Attracted to another woman

My wife is a caring woman and I love her. But since the last two years, I have been attracted to an unmarried girl.

Q: I am a married man living in India. I have been married since five years—we fell in love and married with our families consent. My wife is a caring woman and I love her. But since the last two years, I have been attracted to an unmarried girl, who was working as assistant at office. She is sincere and good looking. She loves me a lot and knows that I am married. We cannot live without each other. I tried to control myself many times but the attraction just kept increasing. We are finding it difficult to stay apart. We haven’t had any sexual relationship so far; she knows that she can’t get me as I’m married. If I don’t talk to her for more than half an hour in a day, she gets crazy. Many times I told her to get married. She too wants to marry me, but says that it is next to impossible. She isn’t creating any problems in my family, and, in fact, has been talking to my wife as a friend. My wife has a little doubt about my relationship with this girl. But we [the girl and I] have never disclosed this to her or to anybody. We secretly talk and message. We both only know that we love each other. I’m getting disturbed and don’t know what to do. We both don’t know what will happen in future and expect that the time will tell everything. I do not have any friends to share this matter, hence I’m writing to you.

— Anonymous via email

A: You say that your girlfriend ‘wants to marry’ you but it is ‘next to impossible’. You also say that you have not had sex ‘so far’ and that your girl friend gets crazy if you do not talk to her for more than half an hour every day. You also say that your wife has a ‘little doubt’.

As I see it, you are having your cake and eating it too.

As for your girl friend, she really has a bad deal. While she is getting increasingly addicted to your presence in her life, she is losing out on all chances for a happy life, as she will neither have you fully in her life, nor will she have any other companion if the present situation continues. She is also likely to get increasingly emotionally distraught and frustrated with every passing day, as the reality of her lose-lose situation sinks deeper.

Your wife may not have clear knowledge of the contaminant in the marriage as yet, but she is likely to catch on real soon. Her ‘little doubt’ powered by her womanly instincts could turn into ‘knowing for sure’ that there is another woman in your life. The fact that you and your wife were in love before getting married means that the emotional investment from her side is bound to be huge, which means that the knowledge of your emotional infidelity [even though not sexual ‘so far’] could devastate her, and could also be a huge blow to her self-esteem.

You say that your wife is ‘caring’ and that your girlfriend is ‘sincere’. The question then is whether you are ‘caring and sincere’ and committed towards the emotional wellbeing of your wife and your girlfriend, given the fact that both of them are single-mindedly committed to you. I believe that this is definitely food for thought!

Moreover, keeping your feet in two boats will not only not lead you anywhere, but will most likely drown you. You also say you are disturbed. That means there is already some disintegration within. Therefore, if you want to be at peace with yourself, then it is high time you wisely and decisively restore integrity for yourself.

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Minnu Bhonsle
Minnu R Bhonsle, PhD, is a Mumbai-based consulting psychotherapist and counsellor. She conducts training programmes in Personal Counselling [Client-centred Therapy] and Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy, and also workshops in Stress Management, Art of Listening, Couple Therapy, and Communication Skills. Minnu has co-authored the book, The Ultimate Sex Education Guide along with Dr Rajan Bhonsle.

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