Two years ago I took a train journey of three days. I was feeling angry, depleted and exhausted. I had been falling sick too much and all my earnings were being spent on treatments and medications. I was becoming the bitter woman I never thought I would become. But that train journey gave me a lot of time to reflect.
Long ago I had heard in a life class that the Universe always gives you signs. It's like a big mirror and it reflects your thoughts and feelings. So, during those three days, I reflected about what signs the Universe was giving me.
I realised that there were many small and big signs that I had refused to see until then—like losing a job, a friendship and a relationship. I had told myself that these are just phases… until debt came over, took me by the collar and had my attention. I realised I was suffering from a disease called “over-giving.”
So how did I land myself in this awful situation
I was brought up by a single mother along with three other siblings. I was the youngest of three daughters. It was a hard life and I only got attention when I was either sick or created a crisis. So somewhere I created this story about myself: “If I stay sick and in a bad state I would be loved and taken care of.” I also felt I was not good enough the way I was, which led to over-giving, in order to earn appreciation. To add to it, I was/am a sensitive girl and an empath; it was in my nature to give.
Childhood passed but sadly the pattern remained. I continued to over-give i order to receive appreciated. I became an agony aunt who was always available and people started dumping their toxicity on me.
Giving is not bad, but the law of nature dictates that there must be a balance—to receive you have to give, and vice versa. I was completely closed to receiving. I was in an underpaid job, was involved in too many voluntary activities and found myself surrounded by a lot of needy people. The Universe could not have held a better image than that one for me to face my reality. I sought therapy.
From then, life started changing for the better
My therapist told me that I had a 100 taps open with not enough in the reservoir. I could not even sustain myself, yet I was constantly giving. So, it showed up as emotional debt in my life. No wonder sickness came and with it came financial debt as well. It baffled me that people who were less hardworking or educated than me were in better positions in life. I slogged, did good to others but continued suffering. Little did I know that I was living my childhood story of lack.
Making the change was not easy
At the age of 30 my friends were settled—financially and personally. And here I was, beginning to relearn the ways of life. It brought in a lot of anger, guilt, fear and the need to blame. The first lesson was to accept total responsibility of myself. In a gist, I had to accept that I was a fully functional adult with freedom of choice.
The next step was self-parenting. It meant that I gave myself the care I expected my parents or my guardians to give me as a child. I started to tell myself good things and I did so every day. I told myself I was beautiful, brilliant and deserved better.
The third thing I did was to let some people go. I believed in always staying in touch, no matter what. But when you hoard on to what is now useless [even though it once served a purpose], it starts stinking. I started choosing people. With deep humility and grace, I asked a few to leave. Of course that caused commotion but I stuck to my guns.
The fourth thing I learned was to ask for what I want. Now I hear the other person out, but I make sure that I speak out about my needs and reach a happy middle ground. This has come from a place of self deserving. I learned that we only ask for what we think we deserve. I left my job and got a better deal. The Universe always helps when you intend to grow.
As, I made these changes, my environment started responding. I started getting work that satiated me. I was paid for every little piece I wrote—there was no more free work. Today, I am surrounded by happy healthy people and it’s been a while since I faced a crisis.
Commitment is the key
It takes commitment and effort to break your patterns. I realised that my patterns had come from my grandmother, through my mother to me. Though it may seem like a family thing, my siblings did not carry it. If I look back at life, I see so many crises that I created, all for the need to be loved and heard. Now that I love myself, I am loved, honored and heard everywhere I go, just as I am.
Have I learnt my lessons? To an extent yes, but I am still a work in progress, till I see the manifestation of a fully abundant life, in every way possible.
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