Ways to suggest intimacy

There are many ways to indicate to your partner that you want to make love

CoupleLovemaking turns us simultaneously into ourselves and beyond ourselves.

Sex and sexuality are inherent to human nature. Yet, our attitude to sex and how we perceive our sexuality is coloured by the society we live in, our upbringing and education, personal experiences and feelings. The physical expression of a relationship mostly begins with holding hands, kissing, making out, heavy petting and then leading to the bedroom, indicating a readiness in both the partners to make love. This is a slow progression over a period of time. Once the relationship is older, a look in the eyes may be enough to indicate to a partner the desire to make love.

Interpretation of sex is thus contextual and highly personal, meaning different things to different people. It can be purely physical, or it can be the ultimate expression of one's love, but the intimacy of sexual experience cannot be denied. Intimacy in sex requires a certain trust, understanding, finesse and the opening of comfortable channels of communication. If the partner and relationship is new, sex becomes explorative, and one has to move to degrees of comfort - beginning slowly, carefully and never rushing things.

New relationships

In a new relationship, generally, people move from one stage to the next, and sex happens if both are ready for it. A lot of planning and obsessing gets people nowhere and often backfires, making things difficult and awkward and often destroying a good relationship. However, if you and your partner have progressed to a point in a relationship physically and you wish to suggest making love as the next step, make sure that the suggestion is neither direct nor crude.

Ways of suggestion in a new relationship

Verbal: You might want to simply ask your partner if she is ready to get sexually intimate with you. "Shall we make love?" or "Would you like to go to bed with me?" This could be whispered as a question in her ear as you caress or kiss her, so that she is inclined towards answering you in a positive way. You would perhaps get an honest answer, and things could progress from there. This, of course, requires that she trusts you and is comfortable with you, and also that communication between the two of you is straightforward and honest.

Physical: Touching, caressing, unbuttoning a few buttons of her dress, whispering endearments can all help you move towards making it obvious that you want to make love to her. You could say something like "You are so sexy a woman," or "I really want you tonight." If you are a woman, you may do or say similar things .You could bend forward, get closer, whisper sweet nothings and unbutton yours and /or his shirt buttons. You may glide your hands down his body, and if he feels the same desires that you do, he will help you. Otherwise, his physical response will indicate to you that he does not want you at that time. Culmination of a relationship into a complete physical one needs sensitivity and time. The most important point here is to be attuned to your partner's needs and gauge his response to your encouragement. Don't rush it, and don't give up hope, for even if the response is not encouraging that evening, it may change in the future. But rushing your partner into a physical act when he or she is not ready can destroy a promising relationship forever. A careful monitoring of responses is therefore essential when asking your partner to indulge in the intimate act of making love with you, especially for the first time.

Older relationships

Usually in established relationships the partners are well aware of each others' needs and there is an already established pattern of behaviour with respect to the expression of sexual wants and their fulfilment. A meaningful glance is often all that is required to do the trick. Or they may have their own coded behaviour to convey the message to each other.

Ways of suggestion in an established relationship

However, often, some new suggestions may help in alleviating a set routine. For example, if a couple always plays a certain music to set the ambience for their love-making, they may do something different and decide to watch a movie instead, like a soft, romantic one that relaxes them and makes them want each other. A woman may wear an erotic perfume and pass close to her man to encourage him to make love to her. Or she may recline in a seductive pose on the bed, encouraging her partner to make the right moves. A man may look long and lingering at his partner's physical assets and give a slow whistle of appreciation to indicate that he wants to make love to her.

A woman may caress her body and look at her partner in a suggestive way, indicating her willingness to be taken to bed. Similarly, a man may whisper erotic and arousing words into his partner's ear and thus make his intentions clear. If already in bed, a woman may snuggle very close to her lover and say that she wants to feel the warmth of his touch.

At all times, there has to be an established level of comfort between both the partners so that all the suggestions are taken in the spirit of the moment and enjoyed, rather than create discomfort or a feeling of distaste. Therefore, an understanding of the partner is of utmost importance. Whether the relationship is old or new, the partner's response has to be always kept in mind.

Your communication of your willingness for intimacy and sex does not automatically imply your partner's willingness, and it would be wrong to assume that. A physical indication of a "no" which may be shown by pushing your hand away if you want to initiate love-making; or a verbal "no" by your partner, means 'no'. It has to be accepted and respected by you. You have to wait and believe that love-making will happen in the most pleasurable way when both of you want it and express that need to each other together.

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Abha Iyengar
 Abha Iyengar is an internationally published author, poet, editor and British Council certified creative writing facilitator. Her story, The High Stool, was nominated for the Story South Million Writers Award. She won the Lavanya Sankaran fellowship in 2009-2010. She was a finalist in the FlashMob 2013 Flash Fiction contest. Her published works are Yearnings, Shrayan, Flash Bites, Many Fish to Fry and The Gourd Seller and Other Stories.

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