Ms Needy meets Mr Crook

What happens when two imbalanced individuals come together...

man tying cloth to a womanEveryone talks about how to get cleverer and outsmart people to achieve what you want. Does anyone ever speak about being clean, honest, loving and open? Why is there no mention of integrity, authenticity and genuineness? What has happened to our values?

Have you ever seen a social smile? If you are a keen observer, you will know what we are talking about. A social smile is one, which involves only the muscles around the lips; it leaves out the eyes, which truly mirror your soul.

A genuine smile, on the other hand, involves the entire face, especially the eyes. So, look for smiling eyes instead of smiling lips; look for a loving vibe not a loving word.

Whenever a person is goal-oriented and obsessed with achieving a desired result, he may do or say anything to reach that end result; and here a dangerous phenomenon takes place. Integrity has no value in such a person's mind.

He possesses a manipulative mind; and it is only his cultural upbringing and environment that dictates whether he acts out, does not act out, or partially acts out his tendencies.

Nevertheless, the obsession and the mental insistence of the desired result continue in his mind, with the potential to manifest in a suitable environment. Let us now trace the origin of such a mind and see how it gets created.

Right from the cradle, the suggestible child learns to pretend, to manipulate, and to be clever. It learns early in life that its cute smile and baby talk gets it what it wants. Therefore, the child concludes that if it wants the ice cream, it must re-create the cute smile; and here is the beginning of pretence—a loss of integrity and genuineness.

A person blinded by desire knows no morals, no love, no genuineness, no honesty, and no integrity. He may outwardly appear like a well-adjusted person; but a peep into his psyche reveals all the manipulative and obsessive tendencies. Such a person sets his heart onto something and then hunts for an unsuspecting prey.

The victims are invariably those who feel insecure and powerless. They are suffering from low self-esteem and an inferiority complex.

Let us take an example of a girl who feels a lack of parental love and unconditional acceptance in her life. Such a person is just the target for the devious mind because she is vulnerable. She falls head over heels 'in love' and believes that she has found the perfect love of her life. The two imbalances fit into each other perfectly.

When the devious mind sees that she has what he wants, he has no qualms in saying 'I love you' to her—the words that she so desperately wants to hear. He doesn't mean them, of course, but uses her vulnerability to get what he wants from her.

She, on the other hand, ignores her inner voice, which is saying, 'This is not the true, unconditional and pure love you are looking for; this is a conditional and desirous mind.' She momentarily becomes blind and deaf, proving the adage, 'love is blind'.

The one in lack is like a powerless child; she may have grown physically, but emotionally she is almost like an infant.

The manipulative one is really 'sick' because he has no real inner values. He has learned in his childhood that if you want something in life, present the face that others want to see. The suggestion taken is that honest open communication does not get you what you want. Therefore, first decide what you want, then use means to get it.

Let's say a man goes to a woman and tells her, "I like your body. Let's have sex". There are two possibilities: if the woman too is looking out for just sexual pleasure, she may agree. But, if the woman is a die-hard romantic, she will be totally put-off by him.

If the manipulator is attracted to an emotional 'child', he resorts to courting. He sets about achieving what he wants by giving her what she wants. He sends her cards and gifts and says, "I love you" [which means 'I want to have sex with you'].

She buys into it as she is waiting to hear just this. She deludes herself into believing that it's the real thing, and gives him what he wants.

In a sexual relationship too, when one partner wants sex, and the other is not aroused, sexologists recommend foreplay with a goal-oriented approach. The goal is to excite the partner so that s/he fully participates in the act and the one who wants sex gets what he wants.

So, this courting or seduction is not an act of love. It is not purely to give. It outwardly looks as if it is being done for the pleasure of the other, the giving is to get. There is a goal, not love.

To convince such a manipulative mind about honesty and integrity is a Herculean task. His true face is so completely hidden that even he has started believing that the mask is his real face. He is not open to therapy, and can get away without really exposing his inner truth even to his therapist.

Outwardly, such people are helpers, social workers and upstanding citizens. They get attracted to healing others because that helps them forget that they themselves need healing. They get obsessed with teaching, helping, being there for others so that they can run away from their own disease. They carry the air of being wise and knowledgeable.

Now, if a 'child' and a 'sick' person get together, what kind of relating can really occur? What is the remedy to this imbalanced relating?

The person, who is emotionally a child, has to strive to achieve a state of love and abundance in oneself. This can only be achieved by exploring the spiritual dimensions of life.

The sick person, on the other hand, has to admit his sickness and subject himself to therapy. He must truly want to be freed of the disease of being goal oriented.

For that, he needs to get to the root of his sickness through psychoanalysis followed by psychotherapy, possibly aided by hypnotherapy or primal therapy to see when, why and how the mask was put on. And to see his true face.

This entire process seems simple enough when written about, but it is not accepted so easily; the resistance put up by the sick personality is tremendous. He does not want to explore unfamiliar territory and resists exploration unless life forces him to.

The person in lack finally realises that what she needs is not available in the mere words 'I love you'. She can finally see their emptiness and how they have been used. So she starts on a journey to explore love and abundance in herself. Her spiritual journey begins.

The result-oriented mind sees that it is exposed. Such a person is questioned about honesty and integrity. He is labelled a cheat, a liar and a betrayer. He stands to lose everything that he so carefully and cleverly managed to achieve if he does not admit to the mask and submit to therapy.

In therapy, he has to ultimately shed the mask and start relating honestly. For that, he has to break his life pattern of wanting a secured desired result at the end of his actions. He has to learn to be honest and live a genuine life irrespective of the result.

Such a man, according to the Bhagwad-Gita, who does the appropriate and required action without the motive of achieving a desired result, one who risks any result and lives the life of a Karmayogi, lives an integrated and complete life.

Note: For the sake of clarity, we have used 'he' wherever the manipulative or sick mind is spoken about, and 'she' wherever the emotional child in lack is spoken about. The situation could well be reverse. We believe very much in the equality of the human dignity of both sexes.

Magnifying lens over an exclamation markSpot an error in this article? A typo maybe? Or an incorrect source? Let us know!

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Minnu Bhonsle
Minnu R Bhonsle, PhD, is a Mumbai-based consulting psychotherapist and counsellor. She conducts training programmes in Personal Counselling [Client-centred Therapy] and Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy, and also workshops in Stress Management, Art of Listening, Couple Therapy, and Communication Skills. Minnu has co-authored the book, The Ultimate Sex Education Guide along with Dr Rajan Bhonsle.
Rajan Bhonsle
Rajan Bhonsle, MD, is a consultant in sexual medicine and counsellor. Along with his wife Minnu R Bhonsle, PhD, who is a consulting psychotherapist and counsellor, he runs a unique therapy centre

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