Dive deep

The deeper you get into a relationship, the better you get to know yourself

two swansA relationship is always a problem because the other becomes the mirror and the presence of the other helps you to see your own face in many ways. And the same happens to the other, you become the mirror.

Nobody wants to know his real face. That's why down the centuries people have been escaping to the monastery. These are the cowards! They are avoiding relationships, because in a relationship they are reflected as they are.

Alone, they can think of themselves whatsoever they want to think; they can create any image about themselves. So the first problem with a relationship is that it reflects you and you reflect the other person. And your totality comes up; you are not just the surface.

The deeper you get involved in your relationship, the deeper feelings it will bring up. If you are really into a relationship it will shatter you. All your images will be shattered. All your faces will be torn.

All your masks will start dropping. And whenever this happens the person starts to take revenge on the other. That's why your girlfriend goes on saying no. Behind her no there is yes. In fact, she wants to say yes, that's why she says no, but she is afraid of her own totality.

People have cleared a little ground of their being and they try to live comfortably there. The whole is like a vast canvas. They don't even want to remember.

And whenever you are in love your deepest feeling is stirred. With that feeling all other feelings are stirred. Love is almost like a backbone to the feeling-body. If your backbone is taken out you will be spineless...just a heap, a blob.

Your spine holds you together. Exactly in the same way the feeling-body is held together by the spine of love. If you are not in love you can control your anger very easily. In fact, if you are not in love at all, there will not be any opportunities to be angry. You can control your sadness very easily if you are not in love.

Your girlfriend can drive you crazy! But that is the beauty of this relationship: if you go with her, either you will go insane or you will attain to real sanity. Both are worth it, because to be just lukewarm and sane is meaningless.

If you fall in love, you also fall in anger, you also fall in hate, you also fall in jealousy, you also fall in possessiveness; you fall in a thousand and one things. Love is simply a door. With love, you open Pandora's box.

You know the story of what happened when Pandora's box was opened? Everything started coming out of it. The box was closed; only one thing remained in and that was hope...a beautiful story.

So when you love somebody everything comes up. Only hope remains deep down. If you can hope, there is no need to be afraid. If hope also disappears there is no point in the relationship. Then get out of it.

But again you will have to get into some relationship. Unless a person has come to know his total being he will again and again go into a relationship. Going into a relationship is just a way to find your soul.

To find who you are. I think your girlfriend is perfect. Don't drop out of it easily, struggle. The sannyasin asks: What about when I'm attracted to other women? It makes for such a fight. It will be, it will be a trouble…it will be a trouble. One woman is enough trouble! If you are attracted to too many women, you invite trouble. Then accept it, and enjoy it. You are inviting it.

My feeling is this, that if you can stay with one woman for a little longer period, it will be more helpful. Otherwise the chaos will be too much and you may not be able to manage it. I'm not saying to be with one woman for your whole life, I'm not saying that if it happens, good.

If it doesn't happen, there is no need to feel any guilt. But to be moving with many women at one time is bound to create much trouble. And it is useless. It will make you very, very anxious, full of anxieties, tensions, because each woman helps to bring out something in you, which no other woman can.

Each single woman arouses in you a different quality, a different facet. She reflects a different face of you. That's why there is so much attraction for other women. One wants to know one's many faces, the many varieties of one's being. But then those faces will be too much and you will not be able to cope with it.

First, get settled with one woman and let one woman reveal whatsoever she can reveal to you. You help her also so that much can be revealed to her in her being. If you are moving with too many women, you will never go deep with one woman.

The relationship will remain superficial and you will start becoming split inside your being. One part will love one woman and another part will love another woman. You never love two women with the same part, no.

It is almost exactly like the mind. If you do mathematics, you do it from one centre. If you do poetry, you do it from another centre. If you become angry, you become angry from another centre. If you play a guitar, you function from another centre.

The mind has many centres—specialised centres—and the same happens in relationships... One woman will play on a particular centre; another woman will play on another centre. And it is so with man. Each is so unique, it has to be so.

So it is as if you allow many women to be around you and they all go on playing on different parts of your being. These different parts will start falling apart because there will be no unity. I will not suggest that you do that.

You move with one woman, with whomsoever you choose. Before choosing, think, meditate, and feel. Once you have chosen, at least for a longer period remain with one woman and forget about other women so that the relationship can go deeper.

Otherwise, it will be spread too thin and you will never become intimate, deeply intimate. And the most beautiful experiences happen only when the relationship becomes tremendously intimate…when two persons are so close that there is no privacy…when two persons are so close that trust is infinite.

If your woman can still doubt you, she will not allow you to penetrate her deepest core of being. If you still doubt your woman, how can you allow her your whole mystery? That's not possible. And if you go on moving with so many women, nobody will trust you.

So at the most you can have some sexual variety, which is really meaningless; it does not make much sense. In the darkness of the night all women are alike and all men are alike. As far as sex is concerned there is not much difference; all bodies are alike.

The difference arises as you go deeper; on the surface there is not much difference. Then you start feeling different nuances of personalities. Love is really different. One person loves in his own way.

And prayer is absolutely different for each person; it is absolutely unique. Nobody can pray the way I pray. Nobody has ever prayed, and nobody will ever pray that way.

So my suggestion is, choose one, your girlfriend or anybody. And problems are going to be there, so face the problems. Love is not cheap, and it is good that it is not cheap.

The modern man is trying to make it very cheap; the modern man wants to make it at no cost. But then it will not give you much; maybe physical release but nothing compared to that which was possible. The possible is always the hard way. Your girlfriend can be a good challenge.

Take it as a challenge that she says no. Sometimes she says yes; sometimes she says no, take it as a challenge.

Love her so deeply that she has to say yes. And for a few months forget that any other woman exists. Let her be the only woman in the world, and then you will see that you are getting into it, deeper, more in tune, and one day suddenly it happens when two hearts meet in absolute trust, with no shadow of doubt, you have tasted for the first time what love is.

Excerpted from God is not for sale/ Courtesy: Osho International Foundation/www.osho.com

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