Body Image and Self-Esteem: The Foundation of Healthy Relationships

We were driving through the crowded roads of Pune city, and predictably our car got stuck in a traffic bottleneck. With nothing else to do, my eyes started roving around and rested on a strategically placed signboard. It read somewhat like this: “If you want to keep your husband in your hands and never fear that he will look around elsewhere – come and register today in our beauty and fitness centre. Facilities offered – Beauty treatments, Body sculpting, Weight-loss program, Breast enlargement, Liposuction and Cosmetic surgery.”

This was such a blatant use of fear and greed that it filled me with disgust. But the advertisement also set me thinking. It became clear that the survival of the relationship between a man and a woman was dangerously resting on the delicate rope of self-esteem. The rope breaks too easily – either by the partners themselves, or by such crass advertisements that reinforce insecurities.

Understanding Self-Esteem in Relationships

Self-esteem is feeling worthy and being able to meet life’s challenges. It is as essential as the air we breathe, and just as intangible. It comes from the depths of our core, yet it is reflected in our every single outward action, big or small. It is the essence from which we measure our worth and the most important building block in the foundation of our psyches.

Throughout our life, we will be tested again and again, until we feel confident about ourselves and believe in our intrinsic value. We will be tested on our willingness to view ourselves as worthy, regardless of what we look like and how our body performs.

The Body Image Crisis in Modern Relationships

We know of so many people who have suffered irreparable damage — emotional and physical — in their intimate relationships because of low self-esteem. Some relationships ended in actual physical separation. Some continued living together but had no sexual relationship. Out of these, a few had extramarital affairs. Some couples went in for therapy and counseling, with varying degrees of success.

Real Stories of Body Image Impact

Newly-married Aishwarya was told by her husband that she has “thunder thighs”. She cringed at the remark, refused to undress in front of him and was stiff and awkward whenever they were intimate. She subsequently became a victim of Anorexia Nervosa, lost a lot of weight, and became obsessed with the weighing scale and the measuring tape. They separated. She enrolled in therapy and is now on the road to recovery. She now says that she hopes to find someone, someday, who values her more than just certain parts of her body and loves her as a complete being.

Aishwarya is not the only victim. There are many more. Rita’s husband keeps insisting that she get cosmetic surgery done on her slightly long nose. He says that he gets put off with her long nose as it comes in the way while kissing. Due to this, their love-making left both of them dissatisfied.

Then there is Aparna who, after childbirth, was told by her husband that her breasts were drooping and no longer attractive. She turned frigid forever.

In yet another case, young Dhara was aware of her husband’s obsession with big breasts. She was not so generously endowed. So she went in for an expensive and painful silicon breast implant. But as fate would have it, she developed breast cancer. She needed to have the implants, and even one of the breasts, surgically removed. She underwent chemotherapy and lost all her hair. Not to mention she also lost her husband, probably to a woman with bigger breasts.

How Body Image Affects Men

Men too go through similar situations. A married man was once told by his wife that he wasn’t man enough because of his slender body frame. His manhood was so deeply hurt that he could not get intimate with his nagging wife. He would have a normal erection at other times but when it came to his wife, he just fell impotent. The wife, through counseling, saw the root cause. Just by acknowledging his endeavors in other spheres, she struck some connection with him again. She was guided to appreciate him. Their sex life resumed normalcy.

Social Media and the Modern Body Image Epidemic

The media has a large role to play in reinforcing the body image to be followed by both man and woman to be sexually attractive to the opposite sex. It seems as if that is – and should be – the only criterion in their relationship, if we go by the media.

Today, with the rise of Instagram, TikTok, and filtered selfies, the pressure has intensified. The images we see online are often digitally altered, creating unrealistic standards that no human can naturally achieve. Dating apps prioritize physical appearance. Social media influencers promote cosmetic procedures as casual lifestyle choices. The cycle feeds itself.

Cosmetic surgeons, beauty parlors, fitness centers and health clubs flourish due to the same reason. There is an increasing focus on outer beauty – standards which are forced down our throats by the media and our obsessed partners – to be attractive to our mates and in order to experience marital bliss. Moreover, this has even often been told to us by none other than our parents.

Self-Esteem vs. Ego: A Critical Distinction

The difference between self-esteem and ego needs to be understood here. Many couples admire each other superficially just to keep the harmony and outer peace in the relationship, or as a strategy to manipulate things for a selfish gain. To be genuine and empathetic in one’s expression is important, particularly when one praises the other or shows flaws in the other.

It is said that sex happens between the two ears and not between the two legs. Whoever said this must be aware of the relationship between self-esteem and sexual relations. So we see that frigidity in women and impotence in men – whether temporary or permanent, with mild to severe consequences – is often related to their lowered self-esteem. Their marital life can face major upheavals because of this.

Building Authentic Self-Worth

Only a person who is in true acceptance of himself can accept and respect the other. Unless we learn to love and respect ourself, it is difficult for us to love and respect the other.

We need to realize that our true inner self will be with us for our entire life, while looks will change and fade – being an unreliable source of self-esteem.

Let us search to discover the pathway to that source, for it is the core of our essential value.

Frequently Asked Questions About Body Image and Self-Esteem

How does poor body image affect intimate relationships?

Poor body image creates a barrier to intimacy. When someone feels uncomfortable in their own skin, they become self-conscious during intimate moments. This can lead to avoidance of physical contact, difficulty achieving arousal, and strained emotional connection. Partners may withdraw or become defensive, creating a cycle of dissatisfaction.

Can negative comments from a partner cause long-term psychological damage?

Yes. Critical comments about physical appearance from a partner can trigger eating disorders, depression, anxiety, and sexual dysfunction. The damage often extends beyond the relationship itself. People may carry these wounds into future relationships or develop chronic issues with self-worth that require professional intervention.

What is the connection between self-esteem and sexual satisfaction?

Sexual satisfaction depends heavily on psychological comfort. People with healthy self-esteem feel more present during intimacy, communicate their needs better, and experience less performance anxiety. Low self-esteem, on the other hand, creates mental barriers that interfere with physical response and emotional connection.

How can couples protect their relationship from unrealistic beauty standards?

Couples need to have honest conversations about the impact of media and social comparison. They should consciously appreciate each other for non-physical qualities. Limiting exposure to heavily filtered content helps. Most importantly, partners must commit to never using appearance-based criticism as a weapon during conflicts.

When should someone seek professional help for body image issues?

Seek help when body image concerns interfere with daily functioning, relationships, or physical health. Warning signs include avoiding social situations, obsessive thoughts about appearance, disordered eating patterns, or inability to be intimate with a partner. Therapy can address the root causes and rebuild self-worth.

How do I rebuild self-esteem after years of criticism?

Rebuilding takes time and often requires professional support. Start by identifying your intrinsic values beyond appearance. Practice self-compassion. Surround yourself with people who appreciate you as a whole person. Challenge negative self-talk. Consider therapy to process past hurt and develop healthier thought patterns.

Are cosmetic procedures the solution to low self-esteem?

No. Cosmetic procedures address external features but do not fix internal self-worth. Many people who undergo procedures find their dissatisfaction shifts to other body parts. True self-esteem comes from accepting yourself as you are. If you choose a procedure, it should be for yourself, not to please others or fix relationship problems.

This updated version expands on concepts from an article originally published in Complete Wellbeing magazine, issue dated August 2008.