1. Insisting that he change for her
Trying to mould the man into a ‘custom-made’ partner to suit her taste is a gross mistake women make. He will resent the fact that you don’t accept and appreciate him for who he is.
Last word: This does not mean that relationships should not be negotiated.
But the negotiations must be win-win and not win-lose for a relationship to be mutually respectful.
2. Psycho-analysing him
Often, women subject their partners to psychoanalysis based on self-help books/pop psychology articles they have read, talk show discussions they have heard, or personal growth workshops they have attended.
They should stop it right away. Your psycho-babble might cost you the man-woman relationship as you might be way off base in your amateur analysis and thus offend him. Even if you are right on track, he might not be prepared to receive this insight constructively or to deal with so much vulnerability.
Last word: Leave psychoanalysis to the professionals; be his loving partner instead.
3. Rejecting vulnerability and fallibility
If women view a man who is sometimes unsure, seeks support or is emotional as a ‘wimp’ and ‘not man enough’, they are not allowing him to be human.
If he’s made to feel that he has to be the rock or the pillar for you 24/7 with little margin for error, then this strain of being ‘superhuman’ will start telling on him and on the relationship.
Last word: An adult-adult relationship is one of equals, and if he feels he does not have the right to be human, and is not loved and accepted as a vulnerable human being, the foundation of the relationship gets eroded.
4. Insisting he be a mind-reader
If a woman insists that her partner be constantly tuned into her moods and non-verbal cues, and know what she needs, wants, desires, or what her thoughts and feelings are and why…it will be a long wait for them.
And if he is accused of not ‘knowing’ what to do in the moment based on his ‘mind-reading’ of you, you will succeed in making him feel extremely confused, anxious, guilty and angry.
Last word: Such emotions are a sure shot antidote to love. Learn to express what you need and want without expecting him to know it all without you saying.
5. Being clingy and needy
If a woman insists on being the ‘be all and end all’ of the man’s existence, and demands a 100 per cent of his time beyond work and absolute essentials like his morning bathroom routine, she will make him feel claustrophobic in the relationship.
If he feels enslaved by your neediness and your clinginess, he will seek more space away from you. The more he seeks such space, the more clingy you might feel, setting in motion a vicious cycle that can only distance you from each other.
Last word: Remember, a healthy balance in the space and time allocated for the couple, the individual, family, work and social life is critical for a sustainable relationship.
6. Comparing him to other men
If women constantly put their men down by comparing them to other men they know, they are chipping away at the man’s self-esteem.
In comparing him, you are declaring that as he is not attractive to you, and that he has to be someone other than himself to be loved and accepted by you. This obviously cannot bode well for the relationship.
Last word: Stop comparing and learn to see the good qualities in him—love him for who he is.
7. Running down his family and friends
If a woman makes a hobby out of fault-finding, writing off, and putting down her husband’s parents, his siblings and his close friends, she is definitely not endearing herself to him.
Forcing him to ‘choose’ with ultimatums, and putting him in a precarious position where his loyalties between you and the others are stretched, is not a mature way to handle a relationship.
Last word: Discuss your concerns about the dynamics without crude put-downs to reach a mutually acceptable and comfortable solution.
8. Guilt-tripping him
When a woman uses words such as, ‘If you don’t do xyz, it means you do not love/care for me’, it makes the man feel that he is not good enough and inadequate as a partner and thus not worthy of the woman’s love.
Last word: Holding him ransom to the ‘if you loved me you would do xyz’, and guilt-tripping him to fulfil your demands, will make him hate you in the long-run, though he may do your bidding at that time. Give him space and liberty to be himself.
9. Score-keeping
If a woman keeps a little black mental diary, and lists all she has ‘done’ for her mate and compares it with what he has ‘not done’ for her, and if her need for one-up-man-ship and keeping the ‘I’ and ‘you’ score supersedes creating the space for negotiating what ‘we’ can do to better ‘our’ relationship, she will be left only with a score card in her hand.
Last word: If your need to win is much more than your need to be happy, that is exactly what you will have—you will celebrate your winning score alone.
Tear that diary and look at what you both can do together in your relationship instead of measuring each other’s individual contributions to the relationship.
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