Command, don't demand respect

Giving respect without feeling it inside is pretentious. Insisting on such respect is false pride.

By MANOJ Khatri in Life is beautifulDiscuss | 17 Sep 2008

IllustrationRespect is a funny concept. All around us, we see people demanding/giving respect for all the wrong reasons. In your family, respect your elders whether or not they deserve it. At school/college, respect your teachers, doesn't matter if they can't teach anything. At work, respect your seniors, regardless of how competent they are.

I often wonder why people demand respect. Shouldn't respect be earned? If someone respects us only because we are in a position to demand it, then isn't it fake? If you ask me, I would like to be respected only for my abilities and qualities, not because my position demands it.

What perturbs me is that so many people are comfortable with fake respect. For example, I see so many subordinates who show respect to their superiors, whether or not they feel it inside. Usually they do so because they want to be politically correct. After all, they can't afford to upset their boss!

Showing respect is different from feeling respect. The former is a conceited attempt, used, or perhaps misused, for political or selfish gains. The latter is a naturally occurring phenomenon, inspired by legitimate appreciation of the other's talent, quality or attitude.

Genuine respect is felt inside. It is earned by living a life that inspires and motivates. It is objective and unbiased. But, it is not demanded. Yet, we find our elders, seniors, and superiors insisting that we respect them? The truth is that respect has nothing to do with age and seniority. In fact, it is possible that we may respect many people who are lesser than us in age, experience, or status. I respect many of my subordinates, not because they demand - they can't! - but, because they command it through their work, their behaviour, and their attitude. On the other hand, I don't feel respect for many of my seniors - because I find that they assert themselves needlessly, frequently to show their authority and feel in control.

Sometimes, people curb their expression of respect, again for the wrong reasons. Bosses don't "show" their respect to their subordinates, fathers to their sons, teachers to their students, and husbands to their wives, because they feel that doing so would lessen their authority. But respect feeds on respect. When we show genuine respect, the other respects us for our honesty and confidence.

Yes, showing genuine respect to others implies that we are confident of ourselves to feel secure and therefore we can let the others know that we respect them. This brings us to self-respect. Commanding our own respect is most important. Self-respect is a necessary condition to give and receive respect. We can't give away what we don't have. And we can't expect others to respect us if we don't respect ourselves. So command, don't demand respect!

You said it!

  • Rebecca said, on 06 Feb 2010

    I too feel respect is earned. I was married to a man who says he demands respect from the kids. Well my kids did show respect out of fear. But as they got older they still respected but they could point blank tell you they had no respect for him at all.

  • harry said, on 16 Feb 2009

    Jaijairam

    i read the article of happiness and respect too
    i wanna know if you have problems in life and no one is around you to help you are tensed so how you will feel happy,
    My story is i lost my father 14th oct after that no one is in my family to support me not in financial terms but emotional support also m married my inlaws are the same i cant except any help from them i wanna move a head in life m doing my mba part time working in bpo night shift my age is 29 where to move now which job i should do to earn my bread and butter s m not happy with my current job.

    There is no one to help me to guide me in my carreer m not able to find the way.

    i m also intrested in doing seva i do little bit time what i get from my job and college m staying in mumbai i wanna to hear the management lecture which is schedule on 27th feb its kept on friday so i wont be able to come down at pune s there any way to get me the message or talk of dadaji.

    i also want to be volunter in your programmes or seva pls guide me how can i join you.

    Pls do reply for all above

  • Renu Agrawal said, on 10 Oct 2008

    Dear Manoj, A friend forwarded me the article feed link today, hence a late feedback. I loved reading your article. I think that self respect comes from self acceptance. Often times in life when we expect too much from ourselves and feel disappointed in our own imperfection it is not easy to maintain self esteem and in turn self respect. We are our own biggest critics whether we realize it or not. A major turning point comes in our lives when we start to accept ourselves regardless of our shortcomings, our mistakes and imperfection. Of course it takes both courage and kindness to reach that point. That's when we can feel confident and secure and self respect follows.

  • Manoj Khatri said, on 18 Sep 2008

    Thanks Roli, V.N. Appreciate your comments.

  • V N Mittal said, on 18 Sep 2008

    Well written , Manoj!
    To echo Shakespeare,
    'The Quality of Respect is not strained.It dropeth as a gentle rain from Heaven
    it is twice blessed, it blesseth him that gives and him that takes'........
    Yes in the process both the giver and the taker of respect are equally blessed but the giver should not expect return always.

  • Roli Gupta said, on 18 Sep 2008

    I wholeheartedly agree with you, Manoj. I have often wondered why we should have to touch an elder's feet, simply because she happens to be older, even if I don't feel any respect for her. Another aspect is that, initialy we may respect a person simply because of her position of authority or age, but the person's actions and words are the factors which decide whether that respect is sustained or not.

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