Beliefs come from others or from logical deduction; they stem from conditioning. Knowing comes from direct experience; it happens when you move beyond belief into the realm of actual knowing.

Consider learning to drive. Initially, you believe the instructor’s guidance about steering and braking. Through practice, this belief transforms into embodied knowledge. Your hands know how much pressure to apply, your eyes know where to look. This transformation from belief to knowledge changes how you relate to driving entirely.

The Spectrum From Belief to Knowing

The journey from belief to knowing isn’t binary. It’s a spectrum where beliefs can serve as stepping stones toward direct experience. Some beliefs guide us toward knowledge, while others trap us in inherited limitations.

Productive beliefs propel you forward. When someone believes they can learn guitar despite having no musical background, that belief creates space for exploration. Through practice, the belief either transforms into knowledge of musical ability or knowledge that music isn’t their path.

Limiting beliefs stop exploration before it begins. When someone accepts that they’re “not creative” based on a teacher’s comment, they never discover what creativity might mean for them personally.

Why Individual Knowing Matters More Than Universal Beliefs

Your body teaches you truths that override collective wisdom. You might discover that the Mediterranean diet, praised universally, leaves you feeling sluggish. Your direct experience with food trumps nutritional orthodoxy.

Career advice follows similar patterns. Everyone believes certain professions offer security or fulfillment, but your knowing emerges from actually working in different environments. What energizes you, what drains you, what feels authentic can only be discovered through direct engagement.

Mass beliefs shift throughout history, but individual knowing provides stability. People once believed the sun revolved around Earth until direct observation proved otherwise. Yet someone studying astronomy through telescopes knew the truth before society accepted it.

Related » Truth Is Not Determined By the Majority

The Hidden Costs of Belief-Based Living

Beliefs often masquerade as knowledge, creating false certainty. Couples believe they’re compatible based on surface attraction or shared interests, then discover fundamental differences after living together. Marriage isn’t the problem; acting on belief without deeper knowing creates the conflict.

Many career disappointments follow similar patterns. Someone believes they want to be a doctor because family members are doctors, then spends years realizing medicine doesn’t align with their authentic interests or natural abilities. Also Read: Why People Pleasing Is Destroying Your Life (And How to Stop)

Most damaging are beliefs about personal limitations. A child told they’re “not good with numbers” carries this belief into adulthood, avoiding anything mathematical. They never discover whether numbers truly challenge them or whether poor early teaching created a false limitation.

When Experience Can Mislead

Direct experience isn’t always reliable. Emotions can disguise themselves as knowing. Someone might feel certain about a relationship during the excitement of new romance, confusing temporary chemical reactions with lasting compatibility.

Cultural conditioning also shapes what feels like personal knowing. Growing up in a specific environment makes certain choices feel natural when they’re actually conditioned responses.

The key lies in distinguishing between immediate reaction and sustained knowing. Authentic knowing emerges through varied experiences over time, not from isolated moments of certainty.

Also read » To Reach Your Potential, Get Out of Your Way!

A Practical Framework for Moving From Belief to Knowing

1. Question Your Beliefs

When you feel absolutely sure about something, pause. Ask where this certainty originated. Did it come from experience or from accepting others’ conclusions?

2. Create Small Experiments

Instead of accepting beliefs about your limitations, design small tests. Think you can’t write? Write for ten minutes daily for two weeks. Believe you’re not athletic? Try different physical activities until something clicks.

3. Notice Your Body’s Responses

Your physical reactions often reveal truth more accurately than your thoughts. Energy increases or decreases provide valuable information about authenticity.

4. Welcome Productive Uncertainty

Sometimes not knowing opens more possibilities than false certainty. Saying ‘I don’t know if I’m good at this’ keeps possibilities open. Saying ‘I’m terrible at this’ shuts them down.

5. Separate Social Pressure from Personal Truth

External expectations create pseudo-beliefs that feel like personal knowing. Practice distinguishing between what you think you should want and what genuinely energizes you.

6. Allow Beliefs to Evolve

Don’t treat any conclusion as permanent. Knowledge deepens with experience, and what you know at thirty differs from what you knew at twenty.

Daily Applications for Transformation

In Relationships: Instead of believing you know someone’s motivations, observe their patterns over time. Notice what they do, not just what they say.

In Career: Rather than accepting beliefs about job security or prestige, experiment with different types of work. Volunteer, take short-term projects, interview people in various fields.

In Personal Growth: Test assumptions about your personality. If you believe you’re introverted, try try small social experiments. You might discover you’re selectively social rather than fundamentally introverted.

In Learning: Don’t accept early struggles as proof of inability. Most skills require persistence through initial awkwardness before competence emerges.

The Intelligence of Productive Questioning

F. Scott Fitzgerald noted that first-rate intelligence involves holding two opposing ideas simultaneously while retaining the ability to function. This applies perfectly to the belief-knowledge spectrum.

You can simultaneously hold “I believe this might be true” and “I don’t yet know if this applies to me” without anxiety. This combination creates space for genuine discovery.

When you question longstanding beliefs through direct experience, your mind becomes more flexible and responsive to reality rather than rigid ideology.

The Comfort Zone of Belief

Many people prefer beliefs because knowing requires responsibility. Beliefs allow you to blame circumstances, other people, or bad luck. Knowing demands action based on what you’ve actually discovered about yourself and your world.

This shift from belief to knowledge fundamentally transforms how you relate to challenges. Instead of avoiding what you believe you can’t do, you investigate what’s actually possible through engagement.

Your knowing becomes your compass; your tested experience becomes your foundation; your authentic discoveries become your path forward.

The journey from believing to knowing never ends. Each layer of authentic understanding reveals new territories for exploration and it is this ongoing process that keeps life dynamic and prevents the stagnation that comes from treating beliefs as permanent truths.

This updated version expands on concepts from an article originally published in Complete Wellbeing magazine, January 2007.

The post From Belief to Knowing: Transform Your Reality Through Direct Experience appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Recently, the issue of self-worth came up in a conversation with a friend. Her daughter — a young adult — was devastated because a friend had taken her own life. I didn’t dig deeper into the reason the friend was driven to take such a drastic step, but I found myself wondering: What makes someone believe their life isn’t worth living? How do we end up questioning our own worth so deeply?

I, too, remember being confused as a teenager, wondering if I was good enough. While “ending it all” never crossed my mind, I did worry about whether I had it in me to be successful. I would relentlessly compare myself with my friends, classmates, and even celebrity achievers that the mainstream media would glorify, and then feel like I was always falling short.

I remember one particular evening when I was seventeen, sitting in my room after getting back my test results. I hadn’t failed, but I wasn’t at the top either. I stared at that paper and felt this sinking feeling — like I was somehow fundamentally lacking. It wasn’t just about the grade. It was as if that score was a verdict on who I was as a person. Looking back, it seems absurd that a teenage me would tie my entire identity to a number on a piece of paper, but at the time, it felt like the most natural thing in the world.

And I wasn’t alone. Most in my peer group had similar doubts about their worth. We’d scrutinize everything — our grades, our looks, whether we made the sports team, whether the popular kids acknowledged us in the hallway. Tying our self-worth to our achievements was the norm and we had all bought into the belief that we had to prove ourselves to be worthy of this life. That was the message that was hammered into us—from well-meaning adults, from the world around us, and from a culture that equated worth with success.

The impact of that conditioning wasn’t small. We learned, wrongly of course, that striving and fitting in was the key to worthiness, that what we do, how much we achieve, and how others see us determine our value. Thus, pleasing the world became a lifelong struggle.

It Has Only Gotten Worse

It’s true that we had it tough growing up, but today’s young adults are arguably worse off than we were. They’re not just trying to meet the expectations of parents or teachers; they’re measuring themselves against impossible social media standards. Platforms like Instagram encourage people to showcase their best selves while hiding their struggles, creating a warped sense of what makes one worthy.

Let me ask you a question: when was the last time you saw someone post about their failure, their messy room, or their lonely Friday night? Instead, we see endless streams of vacation photos, career achievements, perfect relationships, and flawless appearances. It’s like being surrounded by highlight reels 24/7 while living your own behind-the-scenes reality.

I know a young woman who told me she spent hours each morning trying to recreate makeup looks she saw online, feeling frustrated when she couldn’t achieve that perfect, filtered appearance. She’d end up running late for work, feeling defeated before her day even began. “I look at these influencers,” she said, “and wonder what’s wrong with me that I can’t even get my eyeliner right.” The irony is that those “perfect” looks often involve professional lighting, multiple takes, and heavy editing. She was comparing her reality to someone else’s manufactured image and, in the process, her self-worth was suffering a blow.

This is phenomenon has not even spared adults, who have fallen deep into this algorithm-driven rabbit hole of social media, making youngsters of today believe that this is what life is about. When parents are constantly curating their own online presence or making comments about others’ posts, children absorb the message that life is a performance to be judged. Is it any surprise then that these impressionable souls feel so lost?

Here’s what I would like to tell all those who are wrestling with doubts about their life and their self-worth.

Ideas of Worthiness Are Arbitrary

The world tells us that our worth depends on things like our wealth, our social status, our appearance, or whether we’re seen as successful in love or life. But these ideas of worthiness are arbitrary. They are products of cultural narratives and shifting societal norms.

Consider how drastically these standards have changed even within our lifetimes. My grandmother’s generation measured a woman’s worth primarily by her ability to maintain a household and raise children. Then came the era where women had to prove they could “have it all” — career, family, perfect appearance, and social life. Now, there’s pressure to be an entrepreneur, have a side hustle, maintain an aesthetic social media presence, and practice self-care perfectly, all while being environmentally conscious and politically aware.

What was considered successful twenty years ago might seem quaint today. What’s trending now will likely be passé in a decade even as we keep trying to hit standards that shift faster than we can keep up.

And what happens when we falter on any of these measures? When our careers hit a rough patch, when relationships don’t work out, when age or illness changes our bodies? We start to doubt our worth. I’ve seen accomplished professionals crumble when they lose their jobs, as if their paycheck was the only thing that made them valuable. I’ve watched people spiral into depression after breakups, convinced that being single somehow made them defective.

Here’s what I’ve come to realize (actually, what I had to unlearn!). Our worth isn’t tied to any of these factors. It’s not something we achieve, it’s something we are born with. And because it’s intrinsic, nothing and no one can take it away.

Try this simple exercise: whenever you start doubting your worth, pause and ask yourself: Did I create myself? Did I choose to be born? Did I design my initial circumstances, my family, the era I was born into? These questions will instantly make you see the folly of trying to assess your self-worth based on things that were largely beyond your control to begin with.

You Are Here, Therefore You Are Worthy

The moment you were born, you were worthy. You didn’t need to earn love, care, or the right to exist. As a baby, your very being was enough. Nobody looked at you and said, “Let’s see what this little one accomplishes before we decide if they deserve attention and care.” You were simply loved for existing.

That truth doesn’t change as you grow older, it only gets buried under societal expectations that tell you that your worth must be earned. But think of the people you love most in your life. Do you love your best friend because of their job title? Do you cherish your family members only when they’re successful? Of course not. You love them simply because they are who they are. The same principle applies to you.

Here’s something for you to contemplate: since you did not choose to be born, why should you be the one deciding whether you’re worthy enough to exist? It’s a bit like a flower questioning whether it deserves sunlight, or a bird wondering if it has the right to fly.

The fact that you’re here — alive, breathing, and conscious — means that something greater than you thought you were worthy of being. Whether you call it nature, the Universe, God, the cosmos, or even random chance, it chose for you to exist. And that makes you perfect as you are. Your worth is a given, not a question to be answered.

In my view, to doubt your worth is to question the very force that brought you into being. It’s like receiving a gift and then spending your entire life wondering if you deserved it, instead of simply appreciating what you’ve been given. Regardless of what you do, how you look, or what other people think about you, you are worthy.

The Liberation of Not Having to “Earn” Self-Worth

Once you see your worth as inherent, something remarkable happens — you become free. Free from the exhausting pressure to prove yourself. Free from the constant anxiety about whether you’re measuring up. Free from the need to perform for an audience that’s largely too busy worrying about their own performance to judge yours anyway.

I remember the exact moment this shift happened for me. I was in my thirties, having what I thought was a successful career, but I was overworked, exhausted and miserable. I was working late nights, trying hard to make it, terrified that if I slowed down, people would realize I wasn’t actually that valuable. One evening, almost burned out, I asked myself: “When is enough, enough? What exactly am I trying to prove, and to whom?”

It was then that it struck me that I was running on a hamster wheel of my own making, chasing approval from people who were running on their own hamster wheels. None of us were actually watching each other as closely as we thought. We were all too busy worrying about our own “performance”.

Also read » The High Cost of the Rut

Does recognizing your inherent worth mean you stop growing or setting goals? Quite the opposite! You are now free to pursue your goals from a place of genuine interest and passion, not from a fear of being “less than” in any way. When you stop questioning whether you’re enough, life becomes a lot lighter. You don’t chase approval or seek validation anymore. You are no longer paralyzed by the fear of failure, because failure doesn’t threaten your fundamental worth.

You stop measuring your life against someone else’s highlight reel because you realize everyone’s just making it up as they go along, just like you. You start making choices based on what genuinely interests and fulfills you, rather than what looks impressive to others. And paradoxically, this often leads to more authentic success than all that frantic striving ever did.

When you operate from this place of quiet self-assurance, you become more attractive to others — not because you’re trying to impress them, but because authenticity is magnetic. You become a better friend, partner, parent, or colleague because you’re not constantly worried about your own performance. You can actually show up for others because you’re not consumed with proving yourself.

Living From Your Worth

So how do you practically live from this understanding? It starts with catching yourself in those moments when you slip back into old patterns. When you catch yourself comparing, when you feel that familiar pang of “not enough,” when you start performing for others’ approval — pause. Remind yourself: “I exist, therefore I am worthy.”

It means treating yourself with the same kindness you’d show a good friend. It means setting boundaries not because you have to earn respect, but because you already deserve it. It means taking up space in the world without apologizing for it.

Most importantly, it means remembering that everyone around you is also inherently worthy, including that person who seems to have it all together, and that person who’s clearly struggling. We’re all just humans trying to figure it out, and we all deserve compassion, starting with ourselves.

Related » The High Cost of Beating Yourself Up Habitually

Summing Up: Your Birth Has Ensured Your Worth

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment,” said Ralph Waldo Emerson. So just be yourself and forget about trying to be worthy, because you already are! Always have been and always will be.

Your worth isn’t something you need to discover, earn, or prove. It’s something you need to remember. It was never in doubt, only buried under years of conditioning that convinced you otherwise. The work isn’t about becoming worthy. The work is about unlearning the lie that you weren’t worthy to begin with.

The post Why You Should Stop Questioning Your Self-Worth Today appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

In another instance, a prominent doctor told me that he just discharged a 15-year-old girl, who was admitted on the previous day, because she had apparently consumed rat poison. Why? She had failed in her 10th Standard [CBSE] exams. Sounds familiar?

Every year, a bunch of students across India decides to take matters into their own hands because they didn’t hit the grade they were gunning for. It’s such a widespread issue that even a CNN report once referred to India as being “obsessed with numbers.”

Pressure is All-Pervasive

And it’s not just students. Whether you’re a working pro, a sports nut, an artist, or a writer, everyone’s got their own set of pressures. Sometimes the target to “win” is set by someone else, but other times, it’s the good ol’ self-imposed pressure to be numero uno. Girls starving themselves to stay runway-ready, boys popping steroids to build a body like Schwarzenegger – it’s a circus out there. Everyone’s either pushing or being pushed to outdo someone they might not even know!

This relentless drive to be on top at any cost creates a ton of anxiety. Everyone’s hustling, yes. But here’s the kicker – nobody’s arriving. Why? Because nobody’s got the time or inclination to stop and ponder what life’s really about.

We Only Produce Outcomes

Now, let’s talk about outcomes. All performance measures are relative. Absolute measurement of performance is like finding a unicorn. If measures are relative, how can results be absolute? So, instead of obsessing over winning or losing, failing or succeeding, why not think about goals as desired outcomes? When you shift your focus from winning to doing, you often end up with better results.

Take sports, for example. In a tennis match between a big-shot player and an underdog, the underdog steps onto the court with zero expectations. Why? Because winning isn’t even on the underdog’s radar. She plays her natural game, surprises everyone (including herself) by winning the first set. Suddenly, winning becomes a thing. But what happens next? You guessed it – she loses.

From Striving to Arriving

Striving doesn’t guarantee the outcome you’re gunning for, but it sure guarantees stress. If you’re fixated on winning, it’s tough to concentrate on the task at hand. I am not telling you to toss your goals out the window and become a wandering soul. What I am saying is that focusing on doing tasks well, and enjoying the process, beats the heck out of the constant competition and success race. When you embrace this mindset, you’ll notice your anxiety to win morph into a healthy concern for the greater good.

When we strive, no matter how much we achieve, we always want more – so we never arrive. Striving is all about the future, while doing is about soaking up the present. Strivers are always thinking they’ll be happy, successful, fulfilled when they land that job, get that house, and so on. On the flip side, folks who live in the moment succeed every day. Success isn’t about some future outcome for them; it’s about how well they live now, how brilliantly they do what they’re meant to do.

So, it’s vital to understand that success isn’t a prize you get from a job. Success is what you bring to your job or career.

Related » What Is Meant By True Success

No One Ever Loses

And remember, benchmarks are just guidelines. If your actions don’t align with what you or others have marked as success, it doesn’t mean you failed. There’s no pass or fail, win or lose. It’s all about the outcomes. If you’re not thrilled with the result, make a mental note to do better next time. Thinking in terms of failure only breeds stress, immobilizes you, and keeps you from trying again.

In simpler terms, put the horse before the cart, not the cart before the horse. That’s what the joy of doing, not just winning, is all about. Cheers to that!

A version of this article was originally published in December 2006 issue of Complete Wellbeing magazine (Print Edition)

The post The Joy of Doing: Beyond Winning and Losing appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

If Only I Had the Courage…

How many times have you thought to yourself “If I only had the courage!”?

The courage to make that change, take that chance, speak my mind, say No to something that doesn’t inspire me, or say Yes to something that does.

“Arrghh, if only…” we tell ourselves as we weigh up the risks, and focus on all that might go wrong. Desperate to avoid nagging feelings of regret, we do our best to rationalize why sticking with the status quo isn’t so bad. While we clutch onto whatever evidence we can find to ease regret and keep doubts at bay. All the while somewhere, deep inside, we wish we’d been braver.

Talk to anyone in the twilight years of their life and they are likely to tell you that when they look back on key decisions in their life, they wish they’d acted with less timidity and greater boldness. Many people—old and not so old alike—have shared with me how looking back on even just the last 10 years they can see how they underestimated themselves too much, played safe too often and, if given the chance to do it over, would have leaned more toward risk and less toward caution.

Which is why I am passionate about challenging people to rethink risk, to expand the vision that they have for their life and to be more courageous—in work, in love and in life. Having witnessed the possibilities that can open up when people decide to stop playing safe, I know that even the most timid souls and risk-averse worriers can act with courage. That is, to take action in the presence of their fears and doubts, not in their absence.

Living With Courage Means Living Wholeheartedly

The word courage comes from the French cor, meaning heart. So at the core of courage is choosing to live wholeheartedly—to bare your heart wide open to the full spectrum of experiences and emotions; to stop letting fear run your life, and to start owning your power to create, achieve, become and contribute all that inspires you.

But how do you move beyond the platitudes and T-shirt slogans about being bold and living fearlessly? How do you actually take that brave audacious leap of faith over a chasm of fear?

You start by asking yourself “For the sake of what?” You see, nothing worthwhile is accomplished with a guarantee of success; risk is a toll, which life exacts en route to any meaningful endeavor. So finding the courage to risk demands being super clear about ‘why’ you are doing it in the first place.

We are wired to focus more on what we have to lose than what we might gain. Therefore, before you can find the courage to risk losing something—whether it be material security, social status, professional pride or admiration—you have to be crystal clear about what it is you want to gain in the process. “For the sake of what?” are you going to lay your reputation, your pride, your status and vulnerability on the line? Only when your desire for something transcends your desire for safety [and comfort] can you rise above the fears hard-wired into you to protect you from such dangers.

Your ‘Why’ is what gives your life a sense of purpose and lies at the intersection of your talents, passions, values and skills. It’s what fuels you and what fills you. It’s the ‘why’ that propelled Anthony Crowley to give up the security, status and trimmings of a job in the advertising industry to pursue his passion in the performing arts. A gifted musician, playwright and artist in his mid-twenties, Anthony decided he didn’t want to look back on life wondering ‘What if?’ While Anthony’s name is not up in lights beside Lloyd-Webber’s [yet], his plays and musicals have been presented and awarded around the world. Not only does Anthony draw enormous satisfaction from his work, but he provides a powerful role model for his children and many others on what it means to live your passion.

Confront Your Fears, Rethink Your Risks

Fear often gets a bad rap, but it serves the vital role of alerting us to potential threats to our safety, protecting us from harm and pain. However, in today’s culture of fear, we can unwittingly find ourselves living in its shadow, unable to distinguish those fears that are genuinely serving us from those that are stifling our actions and limiting our experience of life.

Every day, we are bombarded with reasons why we should feel afraid. Fear of economic recession. Fear of job loss. Fear of losing our savings. Fear of radicalism, fundamentalism, government, racialism, terrorism, isolation, mutant viruses, violence, identity theft, global warming… the list is long.

Marketers prey on our fears, the media prey on our fears while politicians play on our fears. Fear sells products. Fear sells papers. Fear wins votes. Fear makes profit. Fear grows power. And fear fuels fear. That’s why, in a world that is so filled with fear, refusing to be a pawn to fear, to play safe and to think small, becomes an ever more courageous act.

As I shared in my latest book Stop Playing Safe, research psychologists have identified four key mechanisms that undermine our ability to accurately assess risk, and take those ‘smart risks’ needed to create the opportunities, influence, prosperity and success that we want.

Why Do We Play It Safe?

While there are many different psychological processes at play, there are four core ways we are ‘wired’ to play it safe:

1. We overestimate the size of risk

We misjudge the likelihood of losing something we value over gaining something we would like even more. In short, potential losses loom larger than potential gains.

2. We ‘catastrophise’

We exaggerate the potential consequences of what might happen if things don’t work out. Our imagination runs riot and we come up with all these dramatic and drastic worst case nightmare scenarios which, in reality, are extremely unlikely to occur. What would actually happen is that we’d quickly intervene if things started derailing to shore up potential losses.

3. We underestimate our ability to handle risk

This is a core factor for many people who second guess and doubt their ability to handle bigger challenges. My experience working with women is that women are particularly susceptible to this and often doubt themselves and their capabilities far more than they should. It drives them to veer away from opportunities and challenges rather than lean toward them because they doubt their ability to handle them well. As Mark Twain once said, “I have known a great many troubles in my life, most of them never happened.” Such is the power of our imagination!

4. We discount, downplay or deny the cost of inaction

How often have you heard someone justifying why they didn’t take a chance or make a change with something like “Things aren’t that bad” when you know that they are actually pretty miserable with the status quo? My guess is, likely a lot. Too often we tell ourselves lies about the cost of not taking action because we are too afraid to take it. The truth is that when things aren’t going well, they usually only get worse if we do nothing. While there is always a risk to taking action, there is also a risk to inaction. Getting real about the cost of inaction is essential to find the courage to it.

The result of these combined psychological mechanisms is that people often end up being overly cautious; unwilling to take the very risks needed to create more meaningful lives. However, when we shine a light on our fears and become truly present to the cost of inaction [and believe me, there is always a cost!], we loosen the grip that fear has on our psyche, improving our ability to accurately assess risk and discern the smartest path forward, even if not the easiest or most comfortable.

What Would You Do if You Were Being Truly Courageous?

It was six weeks before her wedding day when Anne, a doctor, called me to say she was having major second thoughts about whether to proceed with her wedding. While she admired the man she was going to marry, she’d become increasingly uninspired by the idea of spending her life with him. When I asked her how she felt about ending the relationship and calling off the wedding she insisted, “I can’t break it off—it would kill him. It would kill me too!” Anne’s fear of the fallout from breaking off her engagement was understandable, but—as I pointed out to her—just because it was an incredibly hard thing to do didn’t mean it wasn’t the right thing to do.

After much soul searching Anne made the very brave decision to break off her engagement. She didn’t die. Nor did he. While she said it was the hardest thing she ever had to do at the time, what it taught her was that she was more courageous than she thought. That knowledge emboldened her to pursue her dream to join Doctors Without Borders. Nine months after calling off her wedding, she was managing a remote hospital in Darfur that served internally displaced Sudanese refugees. Since then Anne has not only married a man she is inspired to live her life with [and is soon to have their first baby], but has done extraordinary work in supporting the world’s most needy.

So before you read any further, ask yourself this: “What would I do if I were being truly courageous?” Go on, take a minute to close your eyes, breath deeply and sit with the question. As you do, give your imagination permission to soar and then open your heart to wherever it takes you. However large or small, daunting or seemingly insignificant it is, just know that within you lies all the resources you ever need to live your answer. One day, one hour, one act of courage at a time [however small it may seem.]

How to Find Courage in Life

When it comes to fulfilling your potential at work—to making the full contribution you are capable of and being rewarded for it accordingly—there are two core fundamental mindsets that separate those who experience deep career fulfillment and success from those who don’t. The first mindset is based on the premise that the risk is to be avoided; the other that risk is to be embraced as a crucial element of success. I call these mindsets the risk-averse Fear mindset and the risk-ready Courage mindset. One is driven by fear of what could be lost, the other by desire for what can be gained.

While there is no doubt that some people are naturally more comfortable taking risks than others, science has proven that courage is a skill and, like all skills, it can be learned and developed to a level of mastery with consistent effort and commitment. When you choose to develop a courage mindset, your psychological courage muscles are strengthened every time you use them. You sharpen and shape your courage skills every time you intentionally choose to step beyond what is comfortable, put yourself at risk and bravely render yourself vulnerable to something you fear. Courage is ultimately a mindset. So is fear. Read Let’s deal with fear.

The table below lists 10 core attitudes of a courage mindset along with the corresponding attitudes of a fear mindset. Think of a current challenge or opportunity you are facing. As you read through the list of risk-averse mindsets, ask yourself what conversations and actions you could initiate to approach each one with a risk-ready courage mindset. I encourage you to write down your answers as they come into your head… before they leave again!

When you focus on what you don’t want to happen, you psychologically enlarge the holes in your safety net, amplifying timidity into full-blown terror. As I stood on that trapeze platform looking down, the holes in the safety net beneath me seemed to grow larger by the second until my imagination had me falling right through them.

Somehow I convinced myself to focus. I took a few very long, deep and deliberate breaths, then I leaned out from that platform to grasp the trapeze bar. Off I flew letting out one mighty scream along the way.

Having dared to fail countless times in my life, and having succumbed to self-doubt and fear nearly as often, I know all too well that courage is not a one-off decision. You don’t just choose to be courageous and then never have another moment of cowardice or even hesitation. No, becoming more courageous is more about moving in the direction from which courage calls.

Some days you’ll feel like you’ve just hit the ball out of the park—you’ve been bold and assertive, spoken up to your boss about the new role you’d like to take on, volunteered to lead the next sales meeting, signed up for a marathon … you’re on a [courage] roll. Moving in the direction of courage! Then on other days… you’re not. You keep your mouth closed during meetings even though you really don’t agree with what’s being said. You shy away from ruffling anyone’s feathers. You’re operating from fear, moving away from courage. Such is life. It’s about having more courageous days, than fearful ones.

Trust Yourself: You’re Capable of More Than You Think

When I started my second career in coaching [which later evolved into speaking and writing], I had four children under the age of six. I remember being a little overwhelmed at the idea of starting a business with such young children, particularly since I was living in another country at that time with no family support network around me. But I was passionate about pursuing a calling, and I knew that if I did nothing, I would look back with regret. I also believe that we can hardly tell our children to pursue their dreams if we don’t first have the courage to pursue our own.

What I learnt over the ensuing years is that too often we let our fear of “not having what it takes” keep us from taking the actions that would enable us to realize we have everything it takes. That doesn’t mean that we can conquer our own personal Everest in a day, a month or a year. But if we take one step forward toward whatever it is that inspires us, over time, those baby steps lead us to new places, new experiences, new opportunities and a greater realization of just how much we can accomplish if we set our mind to it.

New research has lent credence to the words Lao Tzu wrote 3000 years ago: “People are capable of more than they think.” Whether backpacking around the world on my own at 21 for a year, having a fourth child [a definite leap of faith!], or starting to write my first book Find Your Courage with four children under seven at that time, I’ve learnt that when we doubt ourselves, we limit ourselves. Only when we dare more boldly can we ever harness the potential that resides with us and fully share our unique talents with the world.

Courage Means You Embrace Uncertainty

My dad, a humble farmer with a generous heart, always cautioned me: “Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t know.” He meant well, his words were guided by his desire to protect me from disappointment, but his advice was not for living a wholehearted life. All change, even change for the better, is uncomfortable because it demands giving up what we know for an uncertain future. That’s why so many people choose to stay in jobs they loathe, in relationships that leave them lonely, and to quote Thoreau, “Living lives of quiet desperation.”

Afraid of uncertainty, people choose the inevitability of things never getting better because they are afraid of the possibility that they may end up worse than they were before. However, as you journey through life, unless you are willing to trade the familiarity of the status quo for the possibility of a better one, you run the greater risk of short changing yourself. When you let your fears drive you to settle for less than what you really want, you sell out on what you could be. All the while dreams retreat, passion wanes, doors close, talent sleeps and life passes passively by. It is the ultimate tragedy.

Exit Your Comfort Zone

When I first left my parents’ small farm at 18 to move to the city for university, I was part terrified, part excited, and completely outside my comfort zone. As I found out then, no worthwhile aspiration can be accomplished from within our comfort zone. Only in giving up the security of the known can we create new opportunity, build capability, and grow influence. As we do, we expand the perimeter of our ‘Courage Zone’, our tolerance for risks and confidence to take on bigger challenges in the future.

There is no doubt that there are real dangers we need to be cautious about. But in our overcautious, competitive and accelerated world, there are also countless opportunities. None of them lie in our comfort zone [none of the really great ones!]. Only those who refuse to cower to fear and are willing to take risk will see and seize those opportunities and reap the rewards they bring. When you dare to do the very thing you are afraid of, you’ll find the universe conspiring for you and presenting opportunities that always [and only] lie on the other side of your comfort zone. So live by design, not default, taking one action every day that moves you outside your comfort zone, however small or insignificant it may seem.

Think Big; Start Small

Of course, it usually takes less than a minute after connecting with an inspiring vision to feel overwhelmed by the size of the gap between where you are and where you want to be. Which is why, however audaciously big your dream, you need to start by breaking it down into smaller shorter-term goals, with doable ‘bite sized’ actions, that you can achieve.

“You don’t have to see the whole stair case. Just the first step.”

— Martin Luther King

Identifying the first few steps is a strategy that has worked for many clients of mine, including Julie Webber, an IT professional, who shared with me that she wanted to advance in her company and take on larger leadership roles, but wasn’t confident in how to go about it. “So what’s the first thing you could do?” I asked her. “I could volunteer for a leadership role in my professional association… They’re always asking but I’ve held back because I was afraid of not being good enough,” she offered up. “And I could say more on conference calls,” she added, “since I usually stay quiet.” Today Julie is blazing all sorts of new trails for herself because she thought big, but started small.

Closer to home I can share with you how I’m also managing overwhelm in pursuing my goal of launching my own online TV show Raw Courage TV. I can assure you that the size of the gap between where I am, sitting in my office, and the vision I have for it five years from now [Oprah, watch out!] is vast. So I’ve begun with small steps:

• Chose the name
• Bought the URL
• Engaged a website designer
• Scripted the first 10 episodes
• Sourced videographers
• Reached out to my hit list of people I’d love to interview
• Set up the social media pages.

It’s a huge undertaking, but as I know that unless I start doing something, even if I’m not quite sure of every step ahead, one year from now I will be better off than if I wait to figure out exactly what’s needed before taking the first one. Likewise, if you find yourself moving into overwhelm, focus on what you want to do the next day, or week. Then next week, do the same thing. Repeat as necessary!

Summary

Action is the most potent antidote to fear. The only way to rise above it is right through the heart of it. Accordingly, living courageously is not the absence of knots in your stomach, a lump in your throat, chattering teeth or sweaty palms. It is feeling your fears to the core, and then standing tall, breathing deep, and stepping forward in their very presence. Only then can you come to know that you never needed to feel afraid to begin with. As Anais Nin once wrote, “Life shrinks or expands in proportions to one’s courage.”

Be brave, you can do more than you think!

A version of this article was first published in the May 2014 issue of Complete Wellbeing. Updated on 6^th June 2023

The post How to Find Courage in Life appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

• Title: SPARK — Journey from Success to Significance
• Author: Azim Jamal
• Published in India by: JAICO Books
• Price: INR 399
• ISBN: 978-93-93559-09-8

Reimagining success

Travel can be transformative in ways that we can’t fathom. SPARK is a story of one such transformation. It is also a story of understanding what success really means, beyond the classical definition that involves money, fame, power, and possessions. It’s a smooth story of a typical corporate predator named Steve Harmon—brutally competitive, self-centered and intensely driven.

A senior executive at one of Canada’s top management consulting firms, Steve believes that being ruthless is par for the course in a world where everyone is out to get everyone else. Naturally his worldview, which is shaped by popular culture, makes him think of his coworkers as his rivals who must be trampled at any cost.

As a professional, Steve is capable, tenacious, and focused. He puts in a lot of effort to stay on top his game. He also enjoys a rather luxurious lifestyle. Despite all the trappings of the so-called successful life he still feels discontented because there is always more to accomplish. Right now, he is eyeing a larger home, a fancier vehicle, or a membership to that exclusive club reserved only for the crème de la crème of the society.

A journey of epiphanies

Steve, who is awaiting the announcement of his promotion, that he feels he has earned through his hard work and competence, has no clue that his life is about to turn upside-down in the next couple of days during which he finds himself traveling to Dharamsala, a small hill-station in India.

On the way to his destination, he has extremely rough experiences that leave him penniless, hopeless, and filled with immense frustration. But over the course of the rest of his journey, he meets some incredible people with whom he probably would’ve never come in contact, had he not been in such dire straits. As he interacts with these people, he finds himself questioning his core values, beliefs and priorities.

Helping you connect the dots

SPARK is structured to deliver a lesson at every phase of Steve’s transformative journey. At the end of each chapter, Azim Jamal shares personal experiences and anecdotes as well as relevant quotations from thought leaders which help you connect the dots in your own journey. There is also a list of questions to ask yourself — these help to assess what kind of course correction you need to make in your life. Given that we are surrounded by conventional notions of success, the real-life examples and the questions can help you get in touch with your hidden dimensions.

The author seems to have borrowed aspects of the story from his own life experiences, which prompted a transformation in his worldview a number of years ago, driving him to get off the hamster wheel and pursue a life of purpose. I suppose the idea behind the unique structure of the book is to precipitate the same kind of transformation in the reader that helped Azim Jamal become the renowned author, lecturer, and mentor that he is today.

It could ignite a spark of transformation in you

SPARK by Azim Jamal is a self-improvement book disguised as a novel and therefore you may have to grant some concessions, especially in the way the story is weaved. Obviously, it can’t be considered as a work of literary excellence — and I am sure that is not the author’s intent either. Be that as it may, it doesn’t take away from the powerful and thought-provoking ideas delivered in a unique manner. It’s not preachy like most self-help books. Instead, the author shares the relevant insights using the protagonist’s inner dialogue as the medium.

Without divulging any more, I’d like to conclude by saying: whether you are a rookie or a seasoned businessman, a serial entrepreneur or a CXO, if you’re seeking to go beyond the conventional meaning of success, SPARK provides a lot of food for thought; it could even trigger a process of significant transformation in your life.

Order SPARK by Azim Jamal » Amazon.in | Amazon.com

The post Book review of SPARK by Azim Jamal appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

On his new book SPARK…

Manoj Khatri: Your new book SPARK is in the bookstores now. What is it about and who would benefit from it?
Azim Jamal: The book is for those who are looking for success blended with meaning and significance. And that is possible only when your inner spark is ignited. Someone who embodies the “SPARK” has a spring in their step, a twinkle in their eye, an echo in their voice. Their heart is open and they are glowing with positive energy.

The SPARK has five key ingredients, which are encompassed in the acronym SPARK. S stands for Service, P for Purpose, A for Attraction, R for Resilience, and K for Knowing.

In the book, these principles are illustrated through a fable of a protagonist named Steve Harmon. This story is something that many successful people would relate to, especially those who have realized that their chase for outward and material success has not led to deeper fulfillment. The book will also resonate with those who are still striving for success, by helping them redefine what success really means to them.

Each chapter of the fable is followed by a lesson about the five key principles of SPARK. These principles are modeled by the story and can also be put into the context of the reader’s own life.

There are also reflection questions included after each chapter, which allow you to reflect on your own life. When you ask yourself these questions, you open yourself up to unleash your inner SPARK.

Finally, I end the book with my own story, which parallels the protagonist’s narrative, and illustrates how I personally unleashed my inner SPARK.

Success without significance is empty

Manoj Khatri: Sounds interesting. What inspired you to write such a book?
Azim Jamal: I have been doing this work for 25 years; I have worked with, and coached, successful entrepreneurs and businessmen around the world. In working with them, I have learned that they still struggle to find purpose, fulfillment, inner happiness and balance.

That’s how I realized that it is not success that these people are really after — it is significance. You see, success is an individualistic desire — you could earn wealth, have achievements, fame, and so on. However, significance is a spiritual desire. Success with significance implies that you are making genuine impact on others, you are pursuing your life’s purpose, you are in sync with the universe, you can weather whatever life throws at you, and you have a deep sense of conviction and faith. This is the inner SPARK that we all have the potential to achieve.

Overcoming self-doubt

Manoj Khatri: You mention that, just like the protagonist of SPARK, Steve Harmon, you too went through a big shift that led you to move away from the mindless pursuit of success to pursuing success with significance. Tell us about the doubts you experienced during that phase of your life and how you dealt with them…
Azim Jamal: This is a powerful question. Let me begin by saying that from a reasonably young age I had a passion to do something for my community. But I did it as a hobby; I never thought of it as my full-time occupation. But when I went to Pakistan to work with the Afghan refugees, I was terribly shaken by the poverty I witnessed; their plight made me cry like a baby and I had many sleepless nights. It made me question myself. I asked myself: Should I continue living my normal, comfortable life with an accounting degree doing a little voluntary service here and there? Or should I make a huge shift, give up everything and dedicate myself totally to the service to others? That experience had such an impact on me that I knew that I had to step out of my comfort zone and do something for people beyond my immediate circle—my family, friends and associates.

Many people may face a crossroad like this one, and often people decide not to take the risk. I’ve heard from my friends and clients that they will focus on giving back to their communities after they retire, that they don’t have the luxury to follow their purpose now, that they have too many other responsibilities right now.

I, too, had responsibilities — we owned two accounting practices, my daughter was eight years old and my son was only three, and we lived with my ageing parents. However, I felt an inner sense of conviction that this is what I was meant to do and this was the direction towards which the universe was guiding me.

There were certainly ups and downs throughout this journey — I share the full story in the book as well as in my latest TEDx Talk. Here, I must mention that my wife ensured that I didn’t go about this huge shift in a reckless manner. She managed the accounting business with my partner Kend to provide the foundation for my career shift.

» Buy SPARK by Azim Jamal on Amazon (Available in Kindle, Paperback and Hardcover)

Dealing with failure and setbacks

Manoj Khatri: How do you get over failures and disappointments in your life?
Azim Jamal: The only way to tap into your intrinsic power is through obstacles. Unless you face setbacks, your power remains dormant. Failures, hurdles, and challenges are stepping stones to success. My friend, Dr. John Demartini, has a beautiful perspective on obstacles. He says, “Obstacles are not in the way, they are on the way.”

Everyone experiences failures and disappointments, even very successful people like Steve Jobs, for instance, faced major setbacks. Try looking at disappointments and failures as a blessing instead of a burden. Instead of asking “Why me?”, ask yourself “Why not me?”

You are born a genius and the best way to tap into your genius is to be tested. Rumi, the great Sufi poet, used to cite the analogy of a chickpea to describe the human condition — he used to say that just like the chickpea, unless we’re boiled, we remain uncooked. Trials and tribulations cook us up, so that we are ready to serve.

Marry your passion with reason

Manoj Khatri: Indeed, struggles and challenges are necessary to bring forth our intrinsic potential. But many people feel stuck in their circumstances — they may have responsibilities, mortgage, student loans, and so on. They find it difficult to conceive of a life doing what they love in the service of others. What advice do you have for such individuals?
Azim Jamal: It is daunting, no doubt. That is why it is important for you to marry your passion with reason. Kahlil Gibran wrote in The Prophet, “Your reason and your passion are the rudder and the sails of your seafaring soul. If either your sails or your rudder be broken, you can but toss and drift, or else be held at a standstill in mid-seas. For reason, ruling alone, is a force confining and passion, unattended, is a flame that burns to its own destruction.” So, both passion and reason are needed to navigate the sea of life.

Think of your ideal long-term job or profession and then, every day, do something that prepares you for your long-term goal. If you are worried about money and survival, start by sparing just an hour daily to pursue your passion, while continuing your present job. Of course, it is also important that you believe in yourself. If you don’t believe in yourself, no one else will.

Another piece of advice I have for those who are looking to make a difference is to tap into the power of collaboration. In other words, don’t try to do it all by yourself. Find your tribe. Collaborate with like-minded individuals.

Generosity beyond money

Manoj Khatri: That is sound advice, indeed. Moving on, you emphasize on generosity of spirit in your books and programs. Could you share a few non-monetary ways that readers can put generosity of spirit into practice?
Azim Jamal: Give what you can — smile, offer a prayer, perform an act of love. Nobody is deprived of giving—it the most powerful thing you have. Generosity is often misconstrued to be only financial in nature but that’s a myth. There are so many wonderful ways you can give that don’t involve money. Here are a few that come to mind:

• Donate your time, your positive energy, your guidance
• Catch people doing things right
• Listen intently
• Give people the benefit of doubt
• Send prayers and love to one and all

You know, being kind doesn’t cost money but it benefits everybody. Kindness not only blesses the receiver, but also the giver. It improves the functioning of the immune system and stimulates the production of serotonin. And what’s more, even the observers of kindness experience similar benefits!

Remember, you can’t receive with a closed fist… you need to open your fist and give, in order to receive.

How meditation helps unlock your superpower

Manoj Khatri: Thank you so much for that inspiring response. I, too, am a great believer in the power of giving and your perspectives have reinforced my conviction. Before we wind up, could you share what your typical day looks like? And what is it that you never miss doing each day, no matter how demanding your schedule?
Azim Jamal: I start my day with a goal to make each day the happiest and most impactful day of my life. My ideal day looks like this:

• Wake up at 3.30 am
• Meditate from 4 – 5 am
• Pray 5 am – 5.30 am
• Exercise 5.30 – 6 am
• Read something uplifting 6 – 6.30 am
• Finish breakfast
• Attend to the top three personal goals followed by the top three business goals

Usually, the above is done before noon. Afternoons are flexible. My evenings are dedicated to family. I try to go to bed by 9.30pm.

Now, coming to the second part of your question. My success is largely due to my meditation practice, and that is why I try not to skip my daily meditation. Let me share a story with you to help you understand why I say this:

When I was young, I wasn’t particularly bright. I did poorly in academics and I didn’t have much scope for pursuing higher studies. But I was good at sports and I was a strong leader. I was also heavily involved in voluntary work. That helped me find a college seat to pursue Accounting, and I did very well in it and completed my CPA and my accounting career took off. I attribute this success to the moment I started meditating when I was 18 years old. That changed me and, as a result, I became calmer and much more peaceful, disciplined. That was the secret of my success in higher education and accounting career; it was also what subsequently empowered me to change my career to writing, speaking, and coaching 25 years ago. My meditation practice continues to help me reflect and grow even today.

Manoj Khatri: That is a wonderful story. Thank you so much for your wonderful insights. My very best for the success of SPARK. I am sure readers across the world will find it immensely useful as a practical guide to create a life beyond just empty success to success with significance.
Azim Jamal: Thank you for your good wishes and for the opportunity to share my thoughts, it’s been a pleasure.

The post Ignite your inner SPARK — An interview with Azim Jamal appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Introduction: A great life is made up of…

1. Embrace the real you: Cultivate a healthy self-concept
2. Prioritize and nourish fulfilling relationships
3. Choose a satisfying career
4. Fuel your life with whole foods and optimal nutrition
5. Get moving and find exercises you enjoy
6. Explore your world through travel and connecting with others
7. Live your life with purpose
8. Cultivate emotional resilience
9. Spirituality: Make room for the divine

Introduction: A great life is made up of…

Normally, when we think of building blocks of life, we think of DNA and microbiology, of the evolution of life from unicellular microorganisms to complex creatures such as human beings. But for humans, life is a lot more than just physical existence. We are multidimensional beings and our wellbeing doesn’t just depend on getting food, water and air. To live a life of meaning and joy, we need a lot more—we need good health, fulfilling relationships, satisfaction at work and a purpose in life, among other things. Doing well in only one or two areas of life at the cost of others never works.

Here are nine basic building blocks of wellbeing that constitute a great life. Without these in place, your life is likely to wobble and be at a risk of crashing any time. The best part about these building blocks is that they are easy to understand and integrate into your life. What you need is a commitment to live your best life with consistent effort until it becomes your natural way of being. So let’s get going!

The building blocks to create a great life

1. Embrace the real you: Cultivate a healthy self-concept

Regardless of where you’re at, your timing is perfect. No matter how old you are, no matter how many mistakes you’ve made, no matter how much time you’ve wasted in unfruitful thoughts, activities, relationships or jobs, you are meant to be here, right now.

One day, you’ll see how all those “wrong turns” and difficult experiences in your life have worked together to create the perfect you and your perfect life. Right now, you are perfectly designed to live and serve the world in a way that only you can.

This isn’t about creating a self-indulgent “me, me, me” kind of life. Rather, it’s about finally having the courage to recognize the person who you really are, and to make your most important life choices based on that. Your most authentic life and your biggest contribution to society come from the wonderful tapestry made up of all the parts of you—your flaws, your mistakes, your dreams, your talents, your experiences and your natural likes and dislikes. You are completely unique on this planet and in history, and you are here for a reason. Until you start being the real you, in all areas of your life, you can’t possibly experience the fullness of the life that most certainly is waiting for you.

Before depression and desperation forced me to leap and embark on this wonderful adventure that is my life today, my days used to feel like a life sentence. 15 years ago, I was a depressed, anxious, burned out Emergency Medicine resident who panicked under pressure and felt faint at the sight of large amounts of blood.

One night, I reached the point where I no longer wanted to keep living. Thankfully a miraculously timed phone call from a concerned medical colleague saved me from the brink. She told me to take a stress leave, to consider quitting the residency program, and to think about who I really was and what I might want to do with my life. That phone call set me on a whole new path.

Today, I am a wellness and lifestyle expert who speaks internationally and coaches people around the world. I also work with international media and blog for Psychology Today. In the midst of it all, I became a professional flamenco dancer. There’s a lot more to my story [you can read about it in my book, Live a Life You Love: 7 Steps to a Healthier, Happier More Passionate You] but the bottom line is that once I realized who I really was and started making choices from that place, my life bloomed and transformed completely. Your life can, too.

Luckily I don’t always believe what people tell me, otherwise during my season of depression, I might have accepted the “reality” that I was a biologically depressed person who would have to stay on anti-depressants for most of her life. Today, I can’t remember when I popped my last “happy pill”. From the moment that I reconnected with who I really was, and gave myself permission to be my true self, I began making choices that were right for me, instead of listening to what other people thought would be best. And that was when everything began to turn around, and the darkness turned to light. Where once people used to feel sorry for me, today they tell me that they envy my fulfillment and freedom.

If no one else was watching and potentially judging or criticizing you, who would you be? What different choices would you make? What is the truth that is in your heart? These questions aren’t frivolous. They are vitally important in shining the light on the true beauty that is the one, the only, you.

2. Prioritize and nourish fulfilling relationships

I frequently talk about relationships as being one of the most important contributors to your health and happiness. And it’s not just your closest relationships—the number of social contacts you have in your daily life [including the bank teller and your neighbor down the street] are directly associated with your wellbeing.

I’m an introvert and could happily spend long stretches of time working and hanging out at home, without interacting with anyone other than my husband and our dog. Though I love people and deeply appreciate my friends, I don’t have a strong drive to regularly reach out to others. I’m terrible when it comes to calling people, and can easily let long intervals of time pass by without connecting. This hasn’t got anything to do with whether or not I like them, I’m just not very socially oriented. That said, I’m increasingly aware that given the health and happiness benefits of time with other people, it’s in my best interest to override my anti-social tendencies and spend more time with others.

Last week at church, the sermon highlighted three elements that are required to create a better relationship with the divine. While listening to it, I realized it was sensible advice about creating a better relationship not only with the divine, but with anyone who is important to you. Here are the three points, with my take on them:

Three elements to create a better relationship

1. Notice and act on your desire to connect with others

Whenever you think of someone, or spend time with someone, and feel a desire to spend more time with them in the future, make note of it. You might meet someone new who you really like, or hear a song on the radio that’s your uncle’s favorite, or run into an old friend on the street. In that moment, you may be struck by how much you enjoy that person’s company and feel a desire to see them again soon. What do you do when that happens? Like me, do you file it away in your mind, forget and then after five years pass them by and ask yourself, “Has it really been five years since I last saw Jenny?”

When you feel that desire to spend more time with someone, act on it. Make a date for lunch, even if the next possible opportunity is a couple of months or a year away. Pick up the phone and call them when you think of them, just to say hello. Send a quick Facebook or WhatsApp message to let them know you were thinking of them.

2. Spend “real” time together

Speaking of Facebook, I heard someone comment the other day that even though it’s so easy to “keep in touch” with people these days through social media comments, emails or text messages, it’s not the same as real time. Don’t let your regular brief contact with someone online replace face-to-face or voice-to-voice time.

3. Make a special effort that demonstrates your commitment and caring nature

Relationships don’t develop automatically and don’t deepen on their own—they take effort. Be conscious of this in your relationships and think about what efforts you can make to deepen your connection with people who matter to you. What kind of effort would be most significant to each individual? Some people don’t care about birthdays [or actually hate being reminded they’re a year older now], while others feel slighted if they don’t get a phone call or an e-card. Pay close attention to what other people value, and make the effort to connect with them on that level.

Make time for people in your life, especially the ones that you love the most and the ones that make you laugh the most. If a hermit like me can do it, you certainly can. In fact, last night after a long day of work and flamenco dance rehearsals, I dragged myself all the way back into town to go to a friend’s birthday party because I knew that her birthday was important to her. A group of us had dinner, ate heaps of rich flour-less chocolate cake, and then went out dancing. I had the time of my life. In retrospect it’s quite funny that I thought I was making the effort just to please my friend. When we’re good to our friends and family, we’re really taking care of ourselves.

To summarize, focus on helping and loving people, while still taking good care of yourself, and you will thrive.

3. Choose a satisfying career

You can only go so far on talent alone. If you’re good at something, it gets noticed and valued by others, and it certainly opens doors. It can generate much-needed income, which can be very important. Yet when it comes to truly fulfilling your potential and knowing the joy of doing what you were meant to do, the only thing that will give you that experience is what you love.

I’m nowhere near being a truly great flamenco dancer, yet I have been paid surprisingly well to perform [more than I earn per hour as a doctor] on multiple occasions. Apparently there’s something unique I bring to performing, the value of which has everything to do with deep passion and much less to do with technique.

My dance performances are among the most cherished moments of life—the “I could die happy now that I’ve done this” moments. I feel the same way about having published a book.

According to my patients, I’m a pretty good doctor, and they often tell me that they wish I would practise full-time so I could be their family physician. I’m grateful for my education, the knowledge base and the ability to earn income practising medicine, but it would break my heart if it was the only vocation I was limited to. I’m quite sure I’d get depressed again.

No, what makes my heart sing is this: writing, public speaking, media work, dancing, and even just posting educational or inspirational Facebook posts and Tweets that help improve the lives of my online community.

I fully appreciate that you can’t always do what you want. Economic realities are what they are, and it would be foolish for many people to abandon the job that pays the bills in order to pursue their passion. Then again, there are plenty of people who have done just that, and have fared very well.

If you know what your passion is, and have gotten “stuck” in a job or career on the basis of merit versus passion, you might want to do what I did and transition gradually. For years I was a full-time doctor by day and a salsa and flamenco dancer by night, I look back on that season of change with so much fondness.

If you’re honest with yourself about what you really love doing, you owe it to yourself to pursue it in some form. When even a tiny part of your life is spent doing something you love, you would be amazed how bearable it makes everything else in your life that you “have to” do, at least for the time being.

How would you earn your income, if anything were possible? You would likely be amazed by what might actually be possible for you. Life can be so full of delicious surprises, if you’d only just step out and give it a chance.

4. Fuel your life with whole foods and optimal nutrition

How do you feel about the foods that you usually eat? Could you be making better choices? Would you like to learn how to choose foods that will help you achieve your ideal weight, have more energy, or slow down the aging progress? I’m pretty sure I can guess your answer!

I’ve been studying nutrition for over 20 years—I have a university degree in Dietetics, and I wrote a monthly nutrition column for Canada’s doctors and health care professionals for eight years. Even though I’ve got these credentials and the related knowledge, I still face many of the same dietary challenges that you do. Some days [many days] I still have a hard time getting in the “recommended daily amounts” of fruits, vegetables and high-quality protein. I have to remind myself regularly to eat something healthy, rather than simply pop a handful of cookies that I prefer [sometimes I do let myself indulge in the cookies]. So I can only imagine how challenging it might be for you to eat well.

I’m pretty sure that if I stopped almost anyone on the street and asked them to list a few examples of healthy foods, they’d be able to. I find it hard to believe that anyone honestly thinks that a giant cheeseburger and fries is a healthy, balanced food choice.

You probably already know that regular consumption of unhealthy foods can increase your risk of heart disease, diabetes, high cholesterol, and even cancer. I’m not going to dwell on that here because you’ve heard all that before, and if you’re like most people, that knowledge alone hasn’t done much to change your eating habits.

What finally “cured” me of those habits was observing the huge effect that certain foods had on how I looked and felt. I promise you, you’ll be amazed at the effect that simple changes in your diet can have on your face, and the rate that you age in the mirror.

I must warn you that there’s a major side effect of this way of eating: The food choices that make you more beautiful and give you more energy also happen to be the foods that protect your body from illness and biological aging. Certain foods such as sugar, processed foods and white flour increase inflammation, disease and aging in our body cells and in our skin, while other foods such as colorful fruits and vegetables reduce inflammation and may even reverse some of the damage.

If you regularly eat balanced quantities of whole foods that provide good quality protein [such as fish, legumes or free range eggs] and healthy fats [for example from olive oil, fish oil or avocado] in combination with healthy high fiber sources of carbohydrates, you’ll naturally feel fuller and it’ll take longer for you to feel hungry again after eating. You’ll also avoid those blood sugar crashes that can leave you feeling tired and hungry after eating a high-carbohydrate meal or snack.

When you choose healthy whole foods your mind and body feel wonderfully alert and full of energy. I don’t notice it so much day-to-day, but I sure notice it whenever I abandon my healthy way of eating and spend a day, or several days, indulging in delicious but unhealthy foods. Believe me, you’ll notice it too.

5. Get moving and find exercises you enjoy

If you are reading this article, you probably know the importance of physical activity. Nevertheless, it bears repeating that exercising is vital to your wellbeing. If you get enough sleep, eat healthy food throughout the day and fit in a walk or a workout whenever you can, you’ll dramatically increase your ability to cope with stress and will improve your capacity to perform under pressure. You’ll be less likely to burn out, you’ll enjoy better moods and be less irritable, and you’ll also be much less likely to fall sick.

You don’t need to join a gym or hire a personal trainer in order to start getting more exercise. Ever since I was a teenager, going for walks has been my primary way of ensuring that I stay in shape and maintain my weight. Walking is easy on your joints and body, and is great for relieving stress. Best of all, it’s free! Dancing is another great way to get exercise without even noticing that you’re working out. Check out the classes offered by your local community center, or search online for classes in your area. Trust me—you’re never too old and it’s never too late to start dancing!

Find something you like to do and it won’t feel like exercise. I couldn’t keep a commitment to the gym if I tried, but I walk my dog twice a day in the hills around my home and I love to flamenco dance, so I take twice-weekly classes and rehearse and perform regularly. Love going on a long chatty walk with your favorite friend? Make a regular date to do so. Love Latin music? Try Zumba. Get so stressed at work that you feel like hitting your boss? Try a kickboxing class.

No matter what you decide to do to get moving, aim for at least 150 minutes of moderate activity per week [for example, brisk walking], as that seems to be the magic number for optimal health and prevention of disease. Remember, exercise boosts levels of serotonin and dopamine in the brain, and has been shown to be as effective as antidepressants.

6. Explore your world through travel and connecting with others

When I was given that stress leave from residency 15 years ago, I didn’t know what I really wanted to do with my life. I wasn’t sure I’d ever find the courage to leave my residency, but I knew this: I was going to buy a ticket to Cuba. Why Cuba? I can’t explain it, other than I simply knew it. I didn’t even know anyone who had gone there. But now, for some reason, I knew that it was time to go. And I had to go alone.

Whenever you get a clear impulse to do or try something different, or to travel to a distant destination, especially when the idea seems to “come out of nowhere”, it’s usually something that will turn out to be important to your life path. That is, if you’re able to find the courage and faith to do it. The more crazy or improbable an idea seems, the greater its potential power to transform your life—in the very best of ways. Of course, the more unusual the idea, the more terrified and doubtful you’ll feel as you consider it.

When I got to Cuba and watched the other happy tourists gathered around the pool, I felt as if I’d suddenly woken up. I’d spent the last six years around medical students, residents and doctors, and had somehow gotten the idea that it was normal to work around the clock, sleep in hospital greens, and focus my life on textbooks, facts and diseases.

In Cuba, I was surrounded by people celebrating with their friends and families, who told me stories of other vacation adventures and the fun things they did at home. These people worked to live, they didn’t live to work. And some of them even liked what they did!

It was on that trip to Cuba, watching a group of salsa dancers perform in an evening show that I remembered that as a little girl I had dreamed of being a dancer. I went home, resigned from my residency, signed up for salsa dance classes and the rest, as they say, is history.

Sometimes you need to step out of your day-to-day routine and experience a different way of life in order to discover what needs to change in your life. If you can’t afford the time or money to take a vacation far away, take a mini-vacation to a nearby area where you haven’t been before. Expose yourself to new environments and people, break your daily routine—that is the key.

7. Live your life with purpose

In those early days of life change, I remember reading books that talked about “finding your purpose”, and feeling so frustrated that I hadn’t found mine yet. I was convinced that I would never discover any kind of joyful, meaningful purpose to my life. I also remember reading books about happiness, and doubting that I would ever find that, either. During those early years when I read so many different inspirational books and longed for a different kind of life, I didn’t realize that my life had already begun to turn around. In my studies and experiences since, I’ve observed that many people hope for a single lucky day when everything permanently changes for the better. It might be the moment that they finally discover their life’s true calling, or meet their ideal mate, or finally get that big break. In reality, it’s rarely that simple. What I’ve discovered in my own journey is that changing your life from miserable—or just plain mundane—to marvelous requires a continually progressive, multi-layered process.

Purpose of life is unique to all; a phenomenon that’s so individualistic that I believe only you can actually know it or figure it out, though others may certainly help provide input and guidance.

I want to encourage you to release and let go of any pressures you might be feeling around the topic. Connecting with and living your purpose is a beautiful journey that typically unfolds in mysterious and surprising ways. It’s not something to be forced, or something to actively worry about “having to” find. I like to think of it as a treasure hunt, a perfectly paced adventure with your eyes and heart wide open.

All you have to do is decide to be open to this area of your life and be willing to take whatever steps or inspiration calls to you. I’m convinced that if you do that, you can’t go wrong, and you won’t “miss it”. Be curious. Enjoy the process. Marvel at life and its richness as you go along.

“Seek, and you shall find,” as the proverb goes.

Your purpose doesn’t have to be something really “big” either. The value of your impact on others and on the world has nothing to do with its scale.

In order for our world to function, we need people living and contributing at all kinds of different levels. If we could each find and inhabit the sphere we’re supposed to be in, and contribute what we were made to contribute, what a beautiful world it would be.

My true career or vocation is directly tied to my purpose, though the way you make your living does not necessarily have to do anything with why you are here. What is so you that you would just have to do it, no matter what?

Be careful of going in a direction just because others think you should. That said, it’s a good idea to pay attention to the way others compliment you. Is there anything that you’re particularly good at? Is there anything people ask you to do professionally, or do more of?

What is the one thing you want to experience, or do, or accomplish, before you die, so that on your last day on earth you feel satisfied and have no regrets in that area?

8. Cultivate emotional resilience

Life is dynamic. Circumstances change, we change, the people around us change, and you constantly have to readjust to keep it all chugging along harmoniously. I’ve learned the hard way, and not just once, that emotional and life balance isn’t something you just create one day, and then forget about.

To live in a balanced, mentally healthy place, we need to consciously commit to it every day. Just like you stick to a healthy eating plan or an exercise program, emotional wellbeing is something that you decide that you’re going to create, every day, in order to reap its many benefits. It becomes part of your daily routine, like brushing your teeth.

Your life may be so out of control and busy that you don’t know where to start. Or perhaps you fear that you’re so far gone, you’ll never get yourself and your life back. As they say in the 12-step programs, life is about “progress, not perfection”. Any time you discover that you’ve fallen off the balance wagon, whether it’s for a day or for the last few years, you can renew your commitment and start afresh, today.

As soon as life gets crowded, most people push sleep, good nutrition and exercise out of the way, to make room for what we think is “more important”. We’ve got it backwards! We should see these good health basics as the foundation of our day, the non-negotiable framework of balance in our lives, rather than considering them as disposable options.

To survive the ups and downs of life and maintain good mental health, you need plenty of rest. You need to spend time regularly with people that you love. Be generous, help other people. Actively practise gratitude every day, and have a regular “gratitude practice” if at all possible. Gratitude is directly correlated to improved wellbeing and improved mental health in humans.

Watch your thoughts carefully. We all have a negative, critical voice inside us that lies to us, telling us we aren’t worthy of love, aren’t worthy of our hopes and dreams or aren’t good enough. Tell yourself the truth. You aren’t perfect—no one is—but there are good things about you. Focus on what is good and true, and express these qualities more and more in your life. And remember that God always loves you, no matter how imperfect you are.

9. Spirituality: Make room for the divine

If I’m going to teach you what I know about creating a happier, healthier life, I’ve got to talk about spirituality and the divine. I myself am a practising Christian, but if the word “God” makes you uncomfortable, substitute whatever word or term feels right for you [e.g. “universe”, “higher power”, “creator” etc.].

In my book, Live a Life You Love, I referred an article called “The Psychological and Physical Benefits of Spiritual/Religious Practices” by sociologist Dr Ellen Idler. Idler describes some of the surprisingly versatile ways that different people undertake spiritual and religious practices. Her list of examples includes: meditating, singing with a choir, going on a weekend retreat, taking the sacraments, listening to inspired speakers like Dr Martin Luther King Jr, dancing at a wedding, lighting Hanukkah candles, saying prayers and contemplating a sunset view.

People who associate with a religious or spiritual group enjoy tightly knit social circles, which naturally provide many different kinds of support and help them deal with stress. When you walk into a spiritual meeting, people will embrace you with smiles and a warm handshake, and will be thrilled to see you return. Given today’s climate of social isolation and obsession with electronic communication, this kind of unconditional human contact and interaction is needed more now than perhaps at any other time in human history. Also, more than ever, we all need to relax.

Most religious or spiritual practices are both relaxing and health-promoting in nature. Sitting quietly in prayer, taking in the magnificence of a spring garden, or listening to a beautiful choir may be the only time you really stop and sit still in your entire busy week. Taking a few minutes to sit in silence in the morning, to pray and meditate on the things that are most important to you, can be an anchor of peace and stillness that grounds your entire day.

What brings you closer to God?

What practices or activities resonate with or inspire you?

What could you start doing today that would bring you more in touch with this element of life?

Parting words

I hope that as a result of reading this you’ve begun to see meaning, hope and opportunity in your most difficult challenges, and that you’ll simultaneously awaken the talents, dreams and life that uniquely belong to you. It’s my dream that you’ll learn to see and live life in a whole new way, a way that will make life feel better than it ever has before, no matter what’s going on around you. Here’s to your very best life, and may you be blessed with long lasting wellbeing.

The post The building blocks for creating a great life appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

• Stop waiting to pursue your dreams
• Start small, improve along the way
• “Don’t compare your inside to other people’s outsides”
• Do this to challenge your self-limiting beliefs
• Know that embarrassment and rejection are small risks
• View failure as a sign that you’re on your way to succeed

Stop waiting to pursue your dreams

There are times when you put your dreams to one side. You might tell yourself that life is fine just the way it is, that you don’t need to constantly strive for more. But as aspirants of self-growth will know, putting yourself off can only last for so long.

Perhaps for now, you’re in a happy little cocoon, just waiting for the right time when you can pop out and show the world your colours. But if you’re not careful, you’ll stay in there for longer and longer, until you’ve forgotten just why you were so keen to get out in the first place.

It took me years to kick-start my life coaching business. Why? Because I was afraid. I was afraid of getting out of my comfort zone, but I didn’t quite realise it at the time. If you’ve been holding back from trying to achieve your own dreams, then you might find some truth in what I’m going to share with you.

Start small, improve along the way

What keeps us in our cocoons, afraid to burst forth and show the world how amazing we are?

For many of us, it’s the fear of never being quite ready. We tell ourselves that we’ll launch our business, go for that dream job or start that new project some day— when our website is just right, our CV is perfect, and when we have enough time or money to really get going.

Don’t wait to be perfect. The truth is that you might never have enough time or money, and your website/CV will never be perfect. When you wait to be perfect before getting started, you find the wait never ends. Nobody is perfect, and the universe is not going to line up the perfect set of circumstances and say “OK, NOW is the time to start!”

This doesn’t mean that you should release a half-baked idea out into the world, or publish a website with no content. What it does mean is that you stop holding yourself to impossibly high standards before you start to make your mark on the world. Start small, and improve along the way. My website has changed a lot from when I first published it, and I’ll continue to change it along the way —but I published it way back at the beginning, because I knew I never would if I kept waiting for it to be perfect.

“Don’t compare your inside to other people’s outsides”

So what is this fixation with being perfect that seems to have holding us back? It appears that from somewhere we’ve got the idea that all the other successful people out there have ‘cracked it’—that they’re perfect, flawless, and know what they’re doing.

It’s important to question these thoughts. Do you really think that those people you admire don’t have fears and doubts, too? That they didn’t start from a similar place, wracked with nerves, wondering what the world would make of them? Remember that all you know of other people is what they show you. They may appear confident, but you don’t know what happens in their heads.

A friend of mine once told me, “Don’t compare your inside to other people’s outsides.” You might be afraid, you might not feel talented or beautiful enough, but those people who seem to have it all might have the same thoughts. If you act confident and smile, few people will be able to tell how you really feel.

Do this to challenge your self-limiting beliefs

Many of us are kept in our cocoons by our self-limiting beliefs. These are thoughts like “I’ll never be good enough”, “nobody will buy my product” and “how can I be as good as she is?”

You’ve probably heard plenty about how to deal with these thoughts. Ignore them. Recognise where they’re coming from—whether they’re your mother or the entire media taking up home in your head without your permission. I say that you should add a new thought to them, which is—“so what?”

Perhaps you won’t be the best at what you do. Some people might not like you. Maybe it will all go wrong. But so what? What is the worst possible thing that can happen if you get out there and just TRY to get noticed, to publish your book, to get that new job or to move somewhere new? Yes, it might all go wrong. But isn’t that what makes life interesting and exciting?

Know that embarrassment and rejection are small risks

Yes, some risks can be too much. I’m not saying that you should use your kids’ college fund on a business venture that you haven’t even researched. But weigh the risks, and if you find that the worst case scenario is that you feel a bit embarrassed and rejected, then do it anyway— because the alternative is staying in your cocoon, regretting that you never tried to taste the sunlight.

One of my favourite ways to get out there and do something daring is to imagine that it isn’t really me doing it. I become a character in a story, I play somebody who is far braver and more confident than I am, and I go along with her and see what will happen. If she trips up, I laugh with her—realising that it isn’t the end of the world if things don’t go her way.

View failure as a sign that you’re on your way to succeed

Finally, learn to have some compassion for yourself. If you don’t succeed straight away, don’t beat yourself up or feel angry with yourself for getting it wrong. Recognise that you are just a human being, trying to do your best in the world, and treat yourself with the same love and compassion that you would give a friend. And remember that if things don’t work out straight away, you have not failed—‘failure’ just means that you haven’t found the winning combination yet.

So get out there and step into the sunlight. For after chrysalis, from every cocoon emerges a beautiful butterfly.

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The problem with goals is that even if they’re something you want with all your heart, your motivation can, and most frequently does, wane. Like a new log that is lit with fire, the flame is burning hot and bright at first. But all too soon, we have burning embers that slowly begin to die. What can you do to keep your fire burning hot? What can you do to stay motivated?

Let’s look at five ways you can keep your fire of motivation burning even when the going gets so tough that all you want to do is quit.

5 steps to stay motivated when you really want to quit

1. Visualize yourself succeeding

Too often, we stop ourselves from reaching our goals because we can’t quite picture ourselves achieving them. We feed ourselves self-defeating phrases like, “you’re never going to be successful, so why even try?” On the flip side, if you can actually see yourself doing whatever it is you want to do, your brain will automatically work toward it. In fact, some of the world’s top sportspersons use visualisation to help them do their absolute best in their individual sports. To do this yourself, find a quiet, comfortable place and sit with your eyes closed as you envision yourself not only achieving, but maybe even surpassing your goal. Engage all of your senses so you can feel, hear, taste, smell, and touch what true victory feels like. Do this every day for 5-10 minutes. The more your mind can “see” your goal as a reality, the higher the chances of it manifesting for you.

2. Walk the walk

There’s no way around it. If you want to reach your goals, you’re going to have to put in some work. The question is: are you doing this or are you just talking about it? For instance, if your goal is to lose weight, are you eating healthier foods or do you just talk about the fact that you should eat more salads and less fast food? If your goal is to get a promotion at work, are you going the extra mile to show that you deserve a higher-paying slot or are you just talking about it? The definition of walking the walk is “to actually do something rather than just talking about it, so that people can see you are really good at it.” Thus, living by this motto can help you stay motivated because you become known as a doer versus a dreamer.

3. Find a mentor who keeps you motivated

There are those who have already walked the path you wish to take. Find such people and ask them for their guidance and mentorship.They can handhold you on your journey and help you navigate challenges and pitfalls so that you don’t get discouraged when things don’t go your way.

4. Associate with the right individuals and groups

Motivation is contagious. When you associate with those who are themselves highly motivated and inspired, their enthusiasm rubs on to you. The opposite is also true: Those are who are mostly cynical or indifferent tend to dampen your enthusiasm and motivation. Never share your ideas and dreams with such people; if possible, stay away from them or at least minimise your association. Mark Twain said, “Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.”

If you spend any time on social media, one way to keep yourself motivated to reach your goals is to follow people who motivate you to want to be your best. Let their words of inspiration continue to push you forward, even when you’d love nothing more that to just give up.

5. Make it enjoyable

It is fair to assume that you will spend considerable time and effort to reach your goals and achieve whatever it is that you have set your heart on. Imagine spending all that time feeling weary and dull. Obviously you can’t stay motivated and inspired if you find routine cumbersome or boring. Therefore it is imperative that whatever you do, you make it enjoyable. Find ways to make your work fun and exciting. Also ensure that you take frequent breaks (it boosts creativity) and avoid multitasking (enemy of productivity). Lastly, keep your work stress under control. Too much stress and anxiety tends to deteriorate your overall health and wellbeing, making all your efforts ultimately worthless and counter-productive.

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Standing out means owning who you are

Can you relate to Rachel’s experience? How do you feel about standing out from the crowd? Does the idea excite you and make you smile, or does the very thought strike terror in your heart and make you cringe? If the latter is truer for you, what has been your alternative to standing out?

Many women describe their style as ‘beige,’ ‘predictable,’ ‘decent’ or ‘downright boring.’ Rarely does a woman purposely choose that look. It is usually a response to her deeply-rooted fear of standing out for the wrong reasons; she would rather fade into the woodwork than risk looking silly or inappropriate. The result? Each time she gets dressed, her self-esteem and confidence take a direct hit.

How do you feel about standing out from the crowd? Does the idea excite you or does it strike terror in your heart and make you cringe?

Some people equate standing out with looking flamboyant, outrageous or ostentatious. But that doesn’t have to be true [although those looks certainly do produce a few stares!]. Standing out means owning who you are and celebrating that. And if flamboyant, outrageous or ostentatious is who you are, then celebrate it! You can stand out whether your look is subtle and elegant or dramatic and bold or something else entirely. As long as you display your personality and inner essence, then no matter how you express it, it just looks and feels right.

Respect yourself

Recently, I met with Fiona, who was about to re-enter the dating scene and felt apprehensive. Her most pressing question was, “When should I show cleavage?” Together, we did some work and determined that her personality was primarily gentle, heartfelt and radiant. I could tell just by looking at her that the idea of showing a lot of cleavage felt foreign and uncomfortable. Fiona had a predetermined belief, however, that she was supposed to expose cleavage at some point in her dating experience, so it came as a great relief to her to learn that she never had to if she didn’t want to, especially if it wasn’t true to her essence.

What she really wanted to explore was how to look and feel sexy in a way that was authentic for her. Now, that’s a different story!

You can stand out whether your look is subtle and elegant or dramatic and bold or something else entirely

What about you? What is your look saying about you? What motivation is driving you to choose the outfits you do? Are you trying to blend in and hide [this never really works] or stand out in a way that gives you confidence and feels good?

Dress positively

As with Rachel, women are hesitant about standing out, but this is usually because they don’t know how to do so in a positive way. If you could use a little support in this area, here’s an exercise to help.

The next time you get dressed, rate the outfit you choose to wear on a scale of one to ten.
A ten would mean that you are totally celebrating yourself and dressing authentically with no apologies, and a one would mean that you are hiding as much as is humanly possible. Obviously, the goal is to get to 10!

Next, analyse your look.
What aspect of your style feels like you are trying really hard not to be noticed? Is it the:

• colour [too beige, black or neutral]?
• cut of the outfit [too big, boxy or shapeless]?
• fabric [sweatshirt, or head-to-toe polar fleece]?
• overall style [it looks like your mother, sister or best friend so you can fit in]?
• accessories [or lack thereof]?
• lack of textures or patterns [all smooth solid colours]?

Once you have analysed your current look, make a concerted effort to tweak just one component at a time. Add texture, a touch of colour or some accessories. Keep trying until it feels good and fun.

Let your inner beauty shine

“You are you. Now, isn’t that pleasant?”
— Dr Seuss

Remember, you aren’t trying to stand out just to stand out. This is about feeling empowered to express your inner beauty and authenticity. As with Fiona above who worried about showing cleavage on her dates, you have to determine what feels right for you in your life right now.

Women are hesitant about standing out because they don’t know how to do so in a positive way

To give you an example, Tim describes himself as gentle and mild. He wears delicate colours and soft styles. When he wears a jacket, it is not made of bulky or heavy fabric. Meanwhile, Jack is quirky and colourful. He can wear deep, bold colours and often wears chunky cuff links without it seeming like too much.

The delicious part of all of this is that both Tim and Jack stand out in their own individual way. If Jack toned everything down and tried to be refreshingly gentle and Tim wore brightly-coloured, quirky clothes, they would each feel uncomfortable and self-conscious. They would stand out in a way that felt disingenuous.

Remember Rachel? That’s exactly what she was worried about. As soon as we swapped the high-heeled boots for flat ones, she relaxed and smiled. Her legs still looked long, and the blue sweater still showed off her eyes. But she felt more grounded and at ease. Her internal peace shined through, and this is something others cannot help but notice. She now stood out in a way that reflected her inner beauty.

The same can be true for you. As you build your personal style, step by step, and begin to make positive changes, you will find the styles and garments that genuinely reflect who you are. That’s the sweet point where standing out as you has a whole new, delightful meaning!

A version of this was first published in the December 2013 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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