We believe that having a fulfilling and successful love relationship over long distances is achievable. All you need is a little effort, some awareness and communication. With our tips below, you’ll be well on your way to a happy and idyllic relationship in no time.

Tips to Make a Temporary Long Distance Relationship Last

Frequent, but not overbearing, communication

In the age of instantaneous communication, it can be pretty difficult to resist the urge to constantly communicate with our significant others. Between text messaging, social media, and phone calls, there are more than a few ways to get in touch with your boyfriend or girlfriend with the touch of a button; but how much is too much?

There are some who suggest that constant communication actually takes away from the value of interpersonal relationships. With constant communication, we know what’s going on all the time, at almost every hour of the day; leaving nothing to mystery. Before social media, you’d have to get to know someone by spending time with them, taking them out, etc. Now, a few weeks of texting can almost tell you just as much as a few dates can.

Our tip: Keep in regular touch, but also remember to give your significant other space as well.

Send gifts

As with a local relationship, gifts are a nice gesture to express your feelings to your significant other in a long distance relationship. Whether you’re sending flowers, accessories, or books, there are plenty of options for great gifts. If you’re in the US, take advantage of USPS’s flat-rate boxes to ship almost anything for a flat fee (as long as everything fits in the box).

Our tip: Be sure to pay attention to your significant other’s interests and tastes. Nothing says “I get you” like a gift personalized to their tastes or interests. Gifts let your partner  know that you’re thinking of them; even when you’re not around. Long distance can be tricky, but with personalized gifts, you can make romantic gestures that keep your significant other google-eyed for years to come.

Have future goals in mind

Perhaps the most important facet of a long distance relationship is a common goal(s). Without something to aim for, you’re basically just dating for the sake of dating; which usually doesn’t end well. If you’re serious about commitment and about being with your long distance connection in the future, make it known. From there, you can work to craft the perfect plan to bridge the distance and bring the relationship into its greatest potential.

As with any relationship, a common goal unifies the two parties and creates something to work towards. Maybe you’re hoping to move within the next year or so; if you’ve got a goal to be closer to your long distance connection, your moving goals could be much different than they were before.

Our tip: Be sure to discuss your goals in detail and be certain everyone’s on the same page. The last thing you want to do is move away from home to be with someone, only to find out that your goals weren’t the same after all. You’re suddenly left in a strange town with no one you know and a relationship that ended all too early.

Make time for in-person visits

In-person visits are essential to the success of a long-distance relationship. Without them, you won’t be able to truly get to know someone. Remember that body language is incredibly important to communication, and there’s truly no way to get to know someone strictly through online messaging or video communication.

Anyone can act online, but it’s much more difficult for a person to hide their true nature in person. Unfortunately, there are people posing as someone they’re not online, and you wouldn’t want to be “catfished” as it’s called and end up attached to someone who isn’t even real.

Let’s not forget the role that intimacy plays in a committed relationship, and this doesn’t even necessarily mean sex. Physical and emotional intimacy can come from the simplest of touches or shared experiences, something you simply cannot obtain with text/video-only communication. How are you going to share your first kiss over the internet? A first date? Your first romantic night together?

Our tip: Make time to visit in-person, whether your significant other is 400 or 4,000 miles away. This will likely include extra costs like airfare, hotels, etc., but if you’re truly committed to making the relationship work, these costs will feel insignificant once you’ve achieved a real connection with your partner.

Stick to honesty, communication, and trust  

These are arguably the most important tenets in any committed relationship, and a long distance connection is no different. Honesty means being truthful about why you didn’t answer the phone. Communication means explaining why you didn’t answer the phone, and trust is that bond that ensures the both of you will adhere to the first two qualities.

Our tip: All three of the above qualities combined is the key to maintaining a healthy and successful relationship, even over long distances.

Conclusion

Yes, long distance relationships are trickier than traditional ones, but that doesn’t make them impossible to maintain and grow. With a little communication, honesty, trust, and making time for in-person visits, you’ll be able to successfully navigate all of the obstacles that come with this unique dating scenario.

The post How to Make a Temporary Long Distance Relationship Last appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

How is Sexual Electricity Created

“Man represents positive and woman the negative, counterparts of a single phenomenon. Masculine and feminine energies are equal and opposite forces,” says Diana Richardson in her book, The Love Keys. And what happens when a positive node meets the negative? Electricity happens. Current flows.

So when we move with each other, touch each other, we exchange current — or sexual electricity.

“The thrills and pleasures of sex and love were caused by the transmission and reception of currents of “animal magnetism,” or “vital electricity,” which could be conveyed by contact or passes from one human body to another,” says American individualist anarchist J William Lloyd in his book, The Karezza Method.

Sexual Electricity is Experienced as High-voltage Jolt

The concept of sex as energy is not new. Eastern traditions of Taoism and Tantra that date back several thousand years are based on it. They prescribe sexual techniques for harnessing sexual energy for intimacy, health and longevity. In fact, Tantra means ‘transformation of energy’. The tantric teachings are based on the circulation and merging of vital energy [chi or prana] between two people. “In the grand scheme of our energetic anatomy, our electromagnetic energy plays a role as well. During intimate contact, the two are transferred and circulated simultaneously,” writes Dr William Collinge in Subtle Energy: Awakening to the Unseen Forces in Our Lives. “Both kissing and sexual intercourse involve contact of moist mucous membranes, and moisture facilitates particularly strong and efficient electrical conductivity,” he says.

We have all experienced it. We remember our first kiss. Don’t we? That is because when we kiss a person we are attracted to for the first time, we feel a high-voltage jolt. A jolt that passes through our entire body, nerve endings included.

How Do You Build the Charge for Sex to Be Electric

So for sex to be electric, we need to slowly build the current. And love, not lust, is the ingredient that does it. When we touch each other with love, the current resonates not just in the skin, but deep inside the heart.

Experiments conducted by American psychiatrist and psychologist, Rudolf von Urban revealed that there is a bio-energetic potential difference between sexually charged males and females which requires about half an hour to be exchanged and reach an equilibrium.

In one of Urban’s experiment, a medical doctor and his young Arabian bride caressed each other naked for about an hour without sexual contact in a dark room. The doctor later reported that he saw the body of his wife surrounded by a greenish-blue hazy light. Moving his palm close to her breast a visible and audible electric spark jumped from the breast to the palm. Scientist Baron Karl von Reichenbach too had previously described a similar phenomenon. Sadly, scientists didn’t take him seriously.

Igniting Sexual Electricity Between You and Your Partner

Science defines magnet as an object that is surrounded by a magnetic field and has the property, either natural or induced to attract.

We have a magnetic field around us, and the ability to attract. That means we are magnets. And like magnets, we too we have both negative and positive nodes within us.

There is a man in every woman and a woman in every man. Tantra encourages accepting that, for a truly wholesome sexual experience. “You are half your mother and half your father and they both co-exist within you. When they meet within, ecstasy happens,” says Osho.

When you feel sexual electricity with someone, their individual bio-energies create an ecstatic sexual experience through the interplay of opposite polarities. In The Karezza Method, a book about harnessing our sexual energy for health and prolonged pleasure, J William Lloyd, gives interesting pointers. “Cultivate the art of magnetic touch,” he says.

Think of yourself as an electric battery capable of transmitting an electric current. Touch each other in a way that transmits a vivid electric current and thrills the partner.

In Lovemaking, Slow Is Magic

The key is to focus on the way we touch—with love. If we learn to focus our sexual energies on touching, there can be sparks flying out when we make love, literally. It has happened. You can also take it to the next level by finding out what a dildo is? This can help you magnify the collided energy as one being.

In another of Von Urban’s experiment, a couple caressed for an hour and then had orgasmic intercourse for less than 27 minutes, sparks started and still moved between them till the end. For sparks to happen the pair caressed for a full 60 minutes. Remember what Von Urban had said? — “The bio-energetic potential difference requires about half an hour to be exchanged and reach equilibrium”.

The lesson: If you want to generate sexual electricity, touch with love, don’t rush.

Electric Intercourse

Logic dictates that when two fully charged bars collide, they will blast. But we don’t want our circuits to short. We want the current to flow and light us up. So, for the glow, go slow. Besides we are actually harming ourselves when we rush through intercourse.

According to Urban, a short intercourse eliminated the tension in the sexual organs but increased tension in the rest of their bodies.

Also, the electric charge is distributed across the body, not just the genitals, which is good. Because that means we can experience pleasure all over.

We must open our minds to that thought. For instance, our eyes can play a very big role in our energy exchange. “A gaze that stays overtime awakens primal, slightly disturbing feelings. It induces the same ‘fight or flight’ chemicals that race through our veins when we feel infatuation— a tingling sensation,” writes Leil Lowndes, internationally recognized communications expert and in her book, How to make anyone fall in love with you.

Also, use the feet. They are the most erogenous part of the body. Through the feet we can indirectly stimulate: nipples, breasts, ovaries, penis, and vagina. Our whole body is a magnet. Use it.

Ecstasy Through Control

For most of us, electric sex means making love like animals and then collapsing exhausted. That’s not what Eastern traditions believe.

Both Tantra and Taoism believe that sex relates to our vital energy. When we make love, not only are our bio-magnetic energies at play, but also our vital energies—the energy that runs through our entire being. Tantra believes that ejaculation wastes energy and robs the woman of her potential multiple orgasms.

Toaism believes that when a man ejaculates, he depletes his vital energy because his sperms carry jing or the sexual essence and life force. Now you know why men fall asleep afterwards? In fact, some immediately drop and start to snore.

The aim of Tantric and Toaist sexual practices is to energize us and not exhaust us. Sex should bring us alive, charge us in ways where we can enjoy not just the experience, but life as well.

In the modern world, Wilhelm Reich was the first scientist to describe the nature and purpose of orgasm as a discharge of excess bio-energy with the additional liberation of feeling energy [in the mid-1930s]. He also recognized the negative consequences of blocked sexual energies.

The Karezza Method too advocates non-seminal intercourse in which men have to hold back just before ejaculation. It increases pleasure, stamina, vitality and longevity.

It is not surprising for practitioners of Tao, Tantra or Karezza to have intercourse sometimes lasting an hour. Not foreplay, but intercourse. Because they take it slow. Men are encouraged to hold back, women to let go. It’s done with love. Lovemaking is a joint effort, a merging of two energies. When we make love this way, all chakras open up and all barriers break. The result: an energetic union of bodies and inseparable fusion of minds.

Bonus Section: Quick Tips for Electric Sex

Sex is not instant noodles. For sex to be really electric and energizing, it needs to be approached as an art. Such sex will help you feel complete together. Here are some Tantric techniques for electric sex…

Don’t rush

Spend at least half an hour in foreplay, touching each other, enjoying the sensations.

Hold back [This one is especially for men]

Try not to ejaculate every time. It results in a tremendous turn-around in the vital energy.

Make lovemaking an experience, not a chore

Stop focusing on pleasing each other or your performance. Focus on how it feels.

Breathe together

Take longer filling breaths. Try and circulate your energy together, as one energetic whole.

Try kissing the back of the knee

Gently massage or kiss the acupressure point at the back of the knee, just between the ligaments for stimulation when you are making love.

Give your partner a big O

Give your love a big O by placing pressure along the tendons of the shoulder, just beside the neck. As your partner reaches climax, gently massage the shoulders to stimulate a longer and more satisfying orgasm.

An older version of this article appeared in the February 2009 issue of Complete Wellbeing magazine (print edition).

The post What is Sexual Electricity and How is it Generated appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Whenever such a thing happens, there are four persons in the relationship, not two. Two false persons go on meeting, and the two real persons remain worlds apart.

Risk is there. If you become true, nobody knows whether this relationship will be capable of understanding truth, authenticity; whether this relationship will be strong enough to stand in the storm. There is a risk – and because of it, people remain very very guarded. They say things which should be said; they do things which should be done. Love becomes more or less like a duty. But then the reality remains hungry, and the essence is not fed. So the essence becomes more and more sad. The lies of the personality are a very heavy burden on the essence, on the soul.

Risk Everything for Truth

The risk is real, and there is no guarantee for it – but I will tell you that the risk is worth taking. At the most, the relationship can break – at the most. But it is better to be separate and to be real rather than being unreal and together – because then it is never going to be satisfying. Benediction will never come out of it. You will remain hungry and thirsty, and you will go on dragging, just waiting for some miracle to happen.

For the miracle to happen you will have to do something, and that is – start being true, at the risk that maybe the relationship is not strong enough and may not be able to bear it. The truth may be unbearable – but then that relationship is not worthwhile. So that test has to be passed.

Risk everything for truth, otherwise you will remain discontented. You will do many things, but nothing will really happen to you. You will move much, but you will never arrive anywhere, mm? The whole effect will be almost absurd.

It is as if you are hungry and you simply fantasize about food; beautiful, delicious. But fantasy is fantasy – it is not real. You cannot eat unreal food. For moments you can delude yourself – you can live in a dreamlike world – but a dream is not going to give you anything. It will take many things from you – and it will not give you anything in return.

The time that you are using with a false personality is simply wasted; it will never come back to you again. Those same moments could have been real, authentic. Even a single moment of authenticity is better than a whole life of inauthentic living. So don’t be afraid. The mind will say to you to go on safeguarding the other and yourself, to keep safe. That’s how millions of people are living.

Lies Are Sweet, But Unreal

Freud, in his last days, wrote in a letter to a friend that as far as he had observed — And he really observed deeply — nobody has observed so deeply, so penetratingly, so persistently and so scientifically. Freud says in the letter that as far as he has observed through his life, one conclusion seems absolutely certain – that people cannot live without lies.

Truth is dangerous. Lies are very sweet, but unreal. Delicious… you go on saying sweet nothings to your lover, and he goes on whispering in your ear sweet – but – nothings. And meanwhile life goes on slipping out of your hands, and everybody is coming closer and closer to death.

Before death comes, remember one thing – that love has to be lived before death happens. Otherwise you live in vain, and the whole of your life will be futile – a desert. Before death comes, make it a certainty that love has happened. But that is possible only with the truth.

Also read » Celebrate the Differences in Your Marriage, says Osho

Never Sacrifice Truth for Anything

So be true. Risk everything for truth, and never risk truth for anything else. Let this be the fundamental law – even if I have to sacrifice myself, my life, I am going to sacrifice it for truth but truth I will never sacrifice for anything – and tremendous happiness will be yours; undreamed of benedictions will shower on you.

Once you are true, everything else becomes possible. If you are false – just a facade, a painted thing, a face, a mask – nothing is possible. Because with the false, only false happens; with the truth, truth.

Move Into it

I understand your problem. That is the problem of all lovers – that deep down they are afraid. They go on wondering whether this relationship will be strong enough to bear truth. But how can you know beforehand? There is no a priori knowledge. One has to move into it to know it.

How are you to know, sitting inside your house, whether you will be able to withstand the storm and the wind outside? You have never been in the storm. Go and see. Trial and error is the only way – go and see. Maybe you will be defeated, but even in that defeat you will have become stronger than you are right now.

If one experience defeats you – and another, and another – by and by the very going through the storm will make you stronger and stronger and stronger. A day comes when one simply starts delighting in the storm, one simply starts dancing in the storm. Then the storm is not the enemy. That too is an opportunity – a wild opportunity – to be.

Also read » To Be Whole, Learn to Be Detached, says Osho

Beauty and Love Is Found Outside the Comfort Zone

Remember, being never happens comfortably – otherwise it would have happened to all. Remember, being cannot happen conveniently – otherwise everybody would have being without any problem. Being happens only when you take risk, when you move in danger. And love is the greatest danger there is. It demands you totally.

So don’t be afraid – go into it. If the relationship survives truth, it will be beautiful. If it dies, then too it is good because one false relationship has ended, and now you will be more capable of moving into another relationship… truer, more solid, more concerning the essence.

But remember always, falsity never pays. It appears to, but it never pays. Only truth does… and in the beginning, truth never looks like it is going to pay. It seems it will shatter everything. If you look at it from the outside, truth looks very very dangerous, terrible. But this is an outside view. If you go in, truth is the only beautiful thing. And once you start cherishing it, tasting it, you will demand more and more because it will bring contentment.

The post Osho on Relationships: Risk Everything for Truth appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

• Introduction: What is codependency
• Top 10 signs of codependency in relationships
• Why we enter codependent relationships — Top 4 causes
• Interdependent Relationships — The secret to attracting healthy love
• Overcoming codependency – 4 methods to build an interdependent relationship with your partner

Introduction: What is codependency

We’re all addicts. Our drug of choice just differs. For some it’s alcohol or work, for others it’s gambling or sex—but in my decade of experience as a hypnotherapist—I’ve found that love is the most powerful of all addictions. It’s no surprise then, that the term codependency was coined by Alcoholics Anonymous in the 1950s to describe the partners of alcoholics as being “addicted to the addict.”

Codependency is an addiction to love. One that puts self-sacrifice above self-worth, and keeps partners trapped in one-sided, abusive and destructive relationships.

Let us unpack the common signs of codependency and explore the root causes so you can start to take the steps towards healthy, interdependent relationships rooted in self love.

Top 10 signs of codependency in relationships

Humans are hardwired for connection. The quality of these connections is a direct reflection of our own self-worth. This is exactly where codependency begins…

In relationships, codependency refers to a person who is dependent on someone else to define their sense of self-worth.

Below are the most common ways codependency shows up in our romantic relationships. However, you will probably find many of these patterns also carry over into our relationships at work, with friends and in everyday life.

1. Betraying yourself or your own needs in order to be accepted by your partner [i.e. neglecting self care, avoiding time with friends, etc.]
2. Engaging in harmful behaviour [emotionally, physically] to please your partner
3. Struggle setting boundaries and holding partners accountable
4. Excessive perfectionism and people pleasing behavior with your partner
5. Separation anxiety and constant fear of abandonment from your partner
6. Obsessive focus on your partner’s behaviour [i.e. snooping through phone, suspecting of cheating, etc.]
7. Overshare or overgive emotionally, financially, physically to your partner
8. Overly controlling or nagging of partner
9. Insecure and in need of reassurance, low self-esteem [i.e. constantly comparing, judgment, self-criticism]
10. Constantly feel the need to be in a relationships [quickly jump from one to the next, struggles being alone]

While codependency can manifest in different ways in adult life, the cause is often traced back to the same place—childhood.

Why we enter codependent relationships — Top 4 causes

The roots of codependency start in childhood, defined by our parents and early experiences. When you do not experience a stable, supportive and nurturing environment, you lack the ability to cultivate healthy self-love and self-esteem.

In turn, you seek another person to define your own sense of self. This creates an insecure attachment style that causes emotional addiction and self-abandonment—further perpetuating codependency.

The root cause

For those trapped in this toxic cycle, the root cause is often one of nature, nurture, or a mix of both:

1. Overprotective parents

These are typically people that say “I had the perfect childhood, I don’t get what’s wrong with me.” When this parenting happens, they remove too much risk or adversity from the child’s life in order to avoid rejection. There is often a lot of guilt and pressure put on the child to please the parents with the partners they choose – putting their desires second.

2. Under-protective parents

These codependents struggle the most with abandonment. They often describe themselves as “latch key kids” who had workaholics as parents. This causes the child to be overly independent and overly giving – carrying that into relationships which often put them in a position to be taken advantage of.

3. Childhood trauma/wounded inner-child

While these codependency wounds most often come from parenting—friends, peers, teachers, mentors also have a major impact. Whether you experienced emotional or physical abuse, bullying, rejection—they impress upon the subconscious mind, which forms until age 12—and these experiences ultimately shape our self-esteem and self-worth. They show up in adulthood as a wounded inner child – seeking approval and validation at the expense of their true desires and needs.

4. Genetics — Addicted or mentally ill parents

If you grew up with a parent suffering from addiction, you got a front row seat into codependency. The term was first created to describe the relationship between an addict and their drug. Research has found children raised by parents suffering from mental illness like anxiety, depression, NPD [narcissistic personality disorder], or BPD [borderline personality disorder] are at a greater risk of codependent relationships.

Interdependent relationships — The secret to attracting healthy love

The cure to codependency is interdependence.

Interdependence forms when partners recognise and value the bond they share while maintaining a positive sense of self within the dynamic. The complete opposite of codependency, partners encourage personal development, autonomy and growth as individuals. In healthy, interdependent relationships, partners do not rely on each other for feelings of self-worth. It’s a perfect balance, where the connection comes without compromise.

Below are some of the common signs of healthy, interdependent relationships:

• You both invest ample time in personal interests — do not feel guilt, shame or sacrifice when doing so
• You engage in healthy, two-sided communication that validates each other’s feelings
• You feel safe being honest and vulnerable with each other
• You find personal fulfillment through your own interests and accomplishments as well as the relationship.

If you seek more trust, freedom and individuality in your relationship, interdependency is the answer.

Overcoming codependency — 4 methods to build an interdependent relationship with your partner

Codependence says – “I need you. I can’t be without you. You make me better.”

Interdependence says – “I want you. We make a great team. You inspire me to be better.”

The path to independence starts when you commit to self-love.

4 methods to heal your relationship with yourself and attract a healthy partner

Consider any of the following four methods to heal the relationship with yourself and attract healthy, interdependent partners:

1. Explore inner child work to heal past trauma

Revisiting past childhood trauma or beliefs systems will help you understand the root cause of patterns you are recreating in adulthood. This work focuses on reprogramming the subconscious blocks keeping you tied to unhealthy relationship patterns and repairing your self esteem.

2. Clearly define your desires, values and non-negotiables with partners

Before you can commit to a partner, you need to commit to yourself as an individual. All too often, we feel unworthy of our desires or core needs and accept the bare minimum. Explore journaling or vision boarding to connect to your wants. What matters most to you? What are some of your core beliefs? What do you value? Be upfront with your needs and expectations.

3. Engage in healthy self talk and affirmations with yourself

The basis for interdependence is defined by the relationship you have with yourself. This requires daily nurturing and attention. Take as little as 20 minutes a day, just for you. Explore positive affirmations, meditation, mirror work. Write yourself a love letter, show yourself the love, worthiness and respect you want to receive from others.

4. Practice vulnerability with your partner

The key to an interdependent relationship is vulnerability—feeling you can turn to your partner for intimacy, support, and affection without the fear or control. Schedule regular check-in’s with your partner. Share your fears, discuss your hopes, ask for what you need, try something new together.

Conclusion

Our ability to attract healthy love is a direct reflection of our ability to love ourselves. Committing to a path of self-love is a process, and awareness is the first step. If you’re on the path to recovery from codependency my best advice is this: start small, take it slow and stay consistent.

The post Codependency vs. Interdependence: The Art of Healthy Relationships appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Other differences are non-physical. They sometimes fall into the category of what is commonly called personality differences. Though you can’t observe these differences by simply looking at a person, they are just as real. When we use the words introvert and extrovert, we are describing a personality difference. Our differences also show in the way we perform the necessary tasks of daily life, such as loading a dishwasher, squeezing a tube of toothpaste, or hanging a roll of toilet paper. We have different ideas on how to raise children, how to drive a car, how to spend our leisure time, and a thousand other aspects of life. It is because of our differences that we experience conflicts, but I don’t know anyone who would like to eradicate our differences and make us all clones.

The answer to conflict resolution is not in seeking to rid ourselves of our differences but in learning how to make our differences into assets rather than liabilities. The goal of a good marriage is for a couple to learn how to work together as a team, utilizing differences to make life better for both spouses. Resolving conflicts is one method by which we develop this teamwork. Sometimes, we don’t even know what our differences are until a conflict arises.

Conflicts are more than just simple disagreements

When I use the word conflict, I’m not talking about simple disagreements such as her favorite color is blue, his favourite color is yellow. That is not a conflict, it is simply a difference of opinion or preference. Conflicts are disagreements in which both spouses feel strongly and their differing opinions affect their behaviour, causing disharmony in the relationship.

Now, if the wife’s preference for blue and the husband’s preference for yellow is applied to painting the bathroom, their strongly held differences might erupt into a conflict in which they try to convince each other to paint the room a particular color. Conflicts can erupt in any area of life: driving, eating, money, sex, in-laws, spirituality, leisure time, and child rearing, to mention a few.

Conflicts are not necessarily bad—and they’re inevitable in every marriage. For one simple reason, it is impossible to be married and not have conflicts: You are married to a person and every person is unique. In marriage, our objective is not to get rid of conflicts, but rather to resolve conflicts and thereby learn how to work in harmony, as teammates, toward mutual objectives.

When I mentioned the conflict over what color to paint the bathroom, my mind flashed back to a young couple I counseled several years ago.

The case of Jerry and Iris

Jerry and Iris had been married for two years and considered themselves to be in the spring season of their relationship; that is, until they decided to repaint their small apartment. They readily agreed upon the color for each room, until they came to the bathroom. He wanted blue and she wanted green. They were surprised to find themselves arguing passionately over something that they both realized was ultimately quite trivial. Yet, they both felt so strongly about their opinions that, after a few rounds of argument, they agreed to go for counselling.

“We’re actually ashamed to be here,” Iris said. “This seems like such a trivial matter, but it has become very divisive in our marriage. And we don’t want to end up fighting over what color to paint the bathroom.”

With an apologetic shrug, Jerry said, “I bet you’ve never had a couple come to see you about a color to paint the bathroom.”

I smiled and said, “Well, let’s lay it on the table and look at it.” Turning to Iris, I said, “I’m sure you’ve told Jerry all the reasons why you would like the bathroom painted green. So, why don’t you share those reasons with me?” She ran through her list and I took notes. When she was finished, I said, “That makes a lot of sense. I can understand why you would feel that way.” She seemed relieved.

Next, I turned to Jerry and said, “I’m sure you have equally valid reasons why you would like the bathroom painted blue. So, why don’t you share those with me?” When Jerry had shared his reasons, I repeated my response: “What you’re saying makes a lot of sense. I can see why you would like to have the bathroom painted blue.” Jerry seemed relieved that I would agree with him, but Iris looked perplexed. She said, “But you agreed with both of us, and that doesn’t solve our conflict.”

“You are right,” I responded. “But I don’t think either of you is actually looking for a solution. You are still in the arguing mode and have not yet moved to the resolution mode.”

“What do you mean?” Iris said.

“How did you feel when I affirmed your list of reasons for painting the bathroom green?” I asked.

“It felt good,” she said. “It felt like you were respecting my ideas.”

I looked at Jerry and asked, “How did you feel when I affirmed your ideas as making sense and told you I could understand why you would like to have the bathroom blue?”

“I felt like you were hearing me,” he said, “like what I said made sense to you.”

“What I did for each of you is what you have not yet done for each other,” I said. “You have each argued your own position, but you have not affirmed the other person’s ideas.” I turned again to Jerry and asked, “Can you honestly say to Iris what I said to her? ‘What you’re saying makes a lot of sense. I can understand why you would want the bathroom painted green,’ I think her ideas made a lot of sense. Do you agree?”

“Yes,” he said, “but I like my ideas better.”

“That’s understandable, but would you be willing to affirm her ideas by saying something similar to what I just said to her?”

“You mean now?”

“Yes, now would be a good time.”

Jerry looked at Iris and said, “What you’re saying makes sense to me. I can see why you would want the bathroom painted green. And besides that, I love you,” he added with a smile. Both Iris and I smiled as well.

“Okay, that’s a good start,” I said. “And now, Iris, could you honestly make that statement to Jerry?”

She nodded at me and turned to face Jerry. “What you’re saying also makes sense. And I can understand why you would want to have the bathroom painted blue. And I love you, too,” she said.

“Now I think you are ready to look for a resolution,” I said. “You are no longer enemies; you are two friends trying to solve a problem. So, what are the options?”

“We could paint it green,” Jerry offered.

“Or, we could paint it blue,” Iris said. “Or we could mix blue and green together and paint it aqua.”

“I can think of another possibility,” I added. “You could paint some walls blue and some walls green.”

“I hadn’t thought of that,” Iris said.

“Neither had I,” said Jerry.

“I’ve never seen a bathroom with two colors,” said Iris.

“Neither have I,” I interjected, “but it would be unique, wouldn’t it? You would probably get lots of comments about it.”

“I like that idea,” Iris said. “What do you think, Jerry?”

“I think it’s a great idea. We will have the most unique bathroom in the development. And when the neighbors ask us why the two colors, we can tell them about our conflict and how we resolved it.”

“You might even save them a visit to a counsellor,” I said.

When a couple learns to resolve conflicts in this manner, when they work together to understand, encourage, and support each other, marriage becomes beautiful. The ancient Hebrew proverb “Two are better than one” becomes reality. Their deep, emotional need for companionship is met. They are connected with each other emotionally. They approach life with a sense of harmony and together will accomplish far more than either of them could accomplish alone.

How unresolved conflicts corrode a relationship

On the flip side, unresolved conflicts become barriers to harmony. Life becomes a battlefield and husbands and wives become enemies. By means of verbal bombshells, they fight the same battles over and over again, inflicting injuries that push them even further apart emotionally.

After an unrelenting series of unresolved conflicts, a husband might say, “We are just not compatible; we shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place. We are like night and day. I don’t see how we can ever get it together.” His wife might respond, with tears flowing down her face, “How could it come to this when we enjoyed being with each other so much when we were dating? I don’t understand where we went wrong.”

The academic answer to her question is simple: They never learned to resolve conflicts. Perhaps they never anticipated conflict. In the euphoria of the “in love” experience, couples seldom recognize differences and can hardly imagine serious disagreements.

The good news is that any couple can learn to resolve conflicts. I emphasize the word learn. The skill of conflict resolution does not come simply with the passing of time. As surely as you can learn to ride a bicycle, drive a car, or use a computer, you can learn how to resolve conflicts. It will require you to change some of your attitudes, learn to listen, treat your spouse with respect, and negotiate solutions, but it can be done. I’m not saying it will be easy, but the rewards for success are phenomenal.

Why is it so important to resolve conflicts? As one husband put it, “It’s the difference between heaven and hell. For years, we were both miserable. But when we finally began learning how to resolve conflicts, I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. Now I know what it’s like to be married and happy. I can’t believe we waited so long to get help.”

The three attitudes that make all the difference

Often the difference between resolving conflicts and arguing is attitude. Why do people argue? In one word, rigidity. We adopt a rigid attitude and dig in our heels. In essence we’re saying, “My way is the right way, and if you don’t do it my way, then I will make your life miserable.” This is the attitude of an arguer; a person who insists on getting his or her own way.

Conflict resolvers have a different attitude. They say, in effect, “I’m sure we can work this out in a way that will be positive for both of us. Let’s think about it together.” Spouses who adopt this attitude are looking for a win-win resolution.

The case of Bob and Jill

Let’s take the example of Bob and Jill, who were arguing about Monday Night Football. While Bob thought he worked hard all day and deserved to unwind, watching the sport, Jill thought it was a waste of valuable time they could’ve spent together. Obviously, each of them saw the other’s position as unreasonable. They created a miserable evening by arguing and were left with a huge barrier between them. But with a different attitude, the outcome could have been different.

What if Jill had chosen an attitude of accommodation? She might have said, “Bob, I know you really enjoy Monday Night Football. It’s a way for you to unwind from the stresses of the day. On the other hand, I’m beginning to feel lonely and shut out of your life. That’s not a feeling I want to have. So, at your convenience, I’d like for us to talk about it and look for a solution. I’m sure we can work it out. I love you, and I don’t want this to come between us.”

If Bob had chosen a conflict resolver’s attitude, he might have responded, “Honey, you’re right. I really do enjoy Monday Night Football, but I also value our relationship more than anything in the world. I want to meet your needs, and I’m sure we can find a solution that will be good enough for both of us. Why don’t we talk about it at halftime?”

The evening could have been pleasant for both Bob and Jill, and they likely would have found a solution that met their needs.

An attitude of respect

Finding a winning solution begins by choosing to believe that such a solution is possible and that you and your spouse are smart enough to discover it. It begins when you recognise that you are married to another human being who is created in the image of God and is thus extremely valuable. It begins when you choose to treat your spouse as a person of worth. Starting with an attitude of respect predisposes that a couple will find a resolution to their conflict rather than put each other down with condemning arguments.

We recognise that all human being are unique and that our differences do not diminish our worth. Thus, we choose to treat our spouses with dignity and respect. This means we will not seek to convince our spouses to be like us, to agree with all our opinions. We will give them the freedom to think and feel differently, and we will always respect their thoughts and feelings. When we choose an attitude of respect toward our spouses, we are less likely to allow ourselves to get caught up uttering condemning, harsh, cruel words.

Remember Jerry and Iris, who were having difficulty resolving their conflict about what color to paint the bathroom? What they discovered in the course of our counselling together was the calming effect of respecting each other’s opinions. Both Jerry and Iris articulated their opinions very clearly, and they genuinely felt that their opinions were more valid than their spouse’s. It was not until they expressed respect for each other’s ideas that they moved from attack mode to resolution mode.

As long as couples put down each other’s ideas and judge them as less worthy, they are not likely to find a satisfactory resolution. But when they choose an attitude of respecting each other’s ideas, even though they disagree with them, they create a climate in which they can look for a resolution together.

An attitude of love

Another characteristic of conflict resolvers is that they choose an attitude of love. As one wife expressed it, “I am committed to my husband’s wellbeing. I want to do everything I can to enrich his life and help him accomplish his objectives in life.” If her husband has the same attitude toward her, then together they will find resolutions to their conflicts that will be beneficial to both of them.

Selfishness is the opposite of love. Selfish people seek to impose their will on others. What is important to them is “getting my way.” Lovers, on the other hand, seek to do those things that are most helpful for their spouses.

The case of John and Betsy

I saw an attitude of love graphically demonstrated when I visited John and Betsy. They had recently moved to our city and had visited our church. During our conversation, I discovered that they had lost a three-year-old son in a tragic boating accident a year earlier. They had two other children, who were now five and seven, and they told me that Betsy was now pregnant.

“Being a marriage counsellor, Gary, I think you will find this interesting,” Betsy said. “Our decision to have another child did not come easily. John really did not want another child, but I was strongly in favour of having another one.”

I looked at John and he said, “The pain was so deep when we lost Josh that I couldn’t bear the thought of going through that again. I was happy with the two children we had left and wanted to invest my time with them.”

“I can understand that,” I said.

Betsy continued, “I felt that my loss was so deep that I could never find healing without another baby. It was a real conflict between the two of us.”

“So how did you resolve the issue? I asked.

“We both respected each other’s position,” said John. “I knew that she really wanted to have another baby, and she knew that I didn’t. And we knew that each of us was sincere.”

“We prayed for God’s wisdom,” Betsy said. “One day while I was praying, God brought to my mind the story of Abraham offering his son Isaac on the altar to God. I knew that Abraham did that because of his deep love for God. Then a question came to my mind: ‘Do I love John enough to offer my as-yet-unconceived child on the altar?’ I’ve never loved anyone like I love John. He is a wonderful husband and father. I knew that my answer was yes. So I told John about my prayer and what God had brought to my mind, and I wanted him to know that I was willing to not have another child because I loved him so much.”

“I cried like a baby when she told me that.” John said. “Maybe it was the pent-up grief within me, but I sobbed uncontrollably for 30 minutes. I felt so overwhelmed by Betsy’s love. I didn’t say anything that night. I just cried and hugged Betsy. The next day, I went to work and reflected on what had happened. I was overcome by a deep sense of my love for Betsy, and I knew in my heart that I could never deprive her of having another child. I went home that night and told her that I wanted us to have another child. She was confused at first, because she knew how adamant I had been, but before the evening was over, she realized that my heart had sincerely changed and I wanted us to have another baby. So, as you can imagine,” he said, “we’re excited about the baby that is now inside Betsy’s womb.”

I nodded affirmingly as my eyes filled with tears. Finally, when I was able to speak, I said, “I don’t know when I have ever seen such a deep demonstration of love. I think God has great plans for this child.”

Love does not demand its own way but seeks the well-being of the one loved. It is an attitude of love that moves us toward resolving conflicts. The attitude of demanding our own way leads only to arguments.

An attitude of togetherness

In the world of sports, success depends on teamwork. Whether in football, basketball, or auto racing, every team member has a job. When team members coordinate their efforts, they are more likely to meet their goals. Marriage is a team of two: a man and a woman. Marriage is not about “me and my happiness”. Marriage is about two people discovering and accomplishing God’s plans for their lives.

A husband and wife bring an assortment of abilities to their marriage. When they see themselves as team-mates, they realize that their game plan is not to compete against each other but to cooperate. It is this attitude of togetherness that creates a climate in which conflicts can be resolved. Conflicts are inevitable, but if a couple is committed to working together as a team, they can tackle the problem and not each other. An attitude of togetherness says, “We will not let this defeat us. We will find an answer.”

The case of Chuck and Rhonda

Chuck and Rhonda had a major conflict over the behaviour of their two-year-old son, Caleb. Chuck thought that the best way to discipline Caleb was to spank him. After all, that is what his own parents had done with him, and he turned out all right. Rhonda thought that spanking was barbaric. She never remembered being spanked by her parents. My first question was “Do you want Caleb to have two parents or one?”

“Well, two,” said Chuck as Rhonda nodded affirmingly.

“Of course,” I continued. “Do you want each of those parents to do what is right in his or her own eyes, or do you want them to have the same game plan?”

“We’ve got to get on the same page,” Chuck said. “What we’ve been doing is not working. It is destroying our marriage.”

“It tears me apart when he spanks Caleb,” Rhonda said.

“I don’t want him to grow up to be irresponsible,” Chuck said.

“I don’t either,” Rhonda replied.

“The two of you seem to have the same goal in mind,” I observed. “You both want Caleb to grow up to be a responsible young man.” Chuck and Rhonda both nodded in agreement. “The conflict lies in the method of reaching that goal. Can we agree that you are team-mates and not enemies?”

“Lately we’ve been acting like enemies,” Rhonda said, “but I think both of us want to be team-mates.”

“It’s fundamental that the two of you affirm that attitude,” I said, “because if you continue to be enemies, Caleb will likely grow up to be irresponsible. Now, I’d like you to hold hands and repeat after me…”

They both seemed a little shocked, but Chuck reached over and took Rhonda’s hand.

“We are team-mates,” I said.

Chuck and Rhonda repeated, “We are team-mates.”

“Do you believe that?” I asked.

“Yes,” they said in unison.

“Then let’s get started.”

I gave them a reading assignment for the following week. They were to explore how other couples feel about spanking and to discover what child-development experts have written on the subject.

After Chuck and Rhonda did their research and we discussed their findings at some length, Chuck came to understand that there is more than one way to discipline a child, and Rhonda learned that spanking administered in the context of love is not as barbaric as she had assumed. Ultimately, they decided on three levels of response to Caleb’s disobedient behaviour: Level 1 was verbal reprimand; Level 2 was loss of privileges; Level 3 was spanking. They agreed to observe which type of discipline seemed to work best in changing Caleb’s behaviour. They also agreed that they would continue reading and would attend a parenting class for parents of preschoolers that was offered at their church.

It was the attitude of togetherness that provided the foundation on which Chuck and Rhonda were able to build a positive plan of discipline for their son. Without this attitude, they might still have been arguing when Caleb was 12.

We can choose our attitudes

In summary, it is an attitude of respect, love, and togetherness that leads to resolving conflicts. The good news is that we can—and do—choose our attitudes daily. Unfortunately, our default mode is selfishness, which leads us to proclaim, “My way is the right way.” By nature, we are all self-centered, and that is why arguments are so common in marriage. However, we can choose an attitude of respect, love, and togetherness. Many of the couples I have worked with have found it helpful to put the following statements on an index card and post it in a prominent place in order to help them choose a winning attitude each day:

• I choose to respect my spouse’s ideas, even when I disagree with them.
• I choose to love my spouse and do everything I can to help him or her today.

I choose to believe that my spouse and I are team-mates and that with God’s help we can find solutions to our conflicts.

The post How to resolve everyday conflicts in marriage appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles.” (Matthew 5:38-41) 

Moses was the first to say, eye for eye, and tooth for tooth. This was not a prescription for revenge, but for curbing our natural reactions. Instinctively, we take two eyes for one, two teeth for one. We don’t want equal justice, we want to punish, to extract more from them than they took from us. Here Jesus raises the bar of love to extraordinary heights, commanding not only that we love enemies, but also that we actively seek their good. Lest we miss the point, he mentions the legal right of a Roman soldier to force a person to take his pack one mile. Not only are we to take the pack, we are to offer to take it a second mile. Instead of exacting twice the revenge, we are to give twice the love.

We don’t stop loving difficult people, we just love them differently—without words. Switch to deeds, give the person a little Space, and wait for God to work. He can put together what we can’t. To explain this characteristic of love, Jesus points to God, who gives indiscriminately. He says:

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy. But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.” (Matthew 5:43-45) 

Jesus practiced what he preached here. He even loved the people who killed him. When the soldiers are nailing him to the cross, Jesus actively seeks the welfare of the Roman soldiers by erasing their debt through forgiveness. He says, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34). The Greek indicates that Jesus kept on saying, “Father, forgive them.” 

Bitterness dies, peace ensues

Is Jesus a masochist? That kind of love sounds crazy. Won’t we open ourselves up for more hurt? No. Think about it. There are two problems with enemies. What they did hurts, and as we obsess about what they did, bitterness sets in like a claw in the brain. We become so focused on the hurt that we don’t notice the bitterness slowly eating away at us—like cancer of the soul. Bitterness quietly transforms us so we become just like our enemy.

Jesus’ command to love your enemies takes the energy out of bitterness. Instead of plotting revenge, we plan how to do them good. We reflect on their needs and how to help. The Roman soldier is tired, so we offer to take the pack a second mile. We love him where he’s weak. Love like this takes our own heart by surprise and healing begins. Bitterness dies for lack of fuel.

Love also breaks the cycle of evil, keeping us from becoming like the enemy. Instead we become like Jesus—free—no longer controlled by the other person’s evil. What’s more, love unnerves an enemy, throwing him off guard. But best of all, it makes room for God’s justice and mercy. To love an enemy means to trust that God is far more effective than I am. It takes faith to love.

During World War II Gandhi ceased confronting the British, his enemy, and supported their war effort, actively seeking their good. The result? Only a few years later, British opposition to India’s independence collapsed. Love was too powerful.

Jesus’ teaching to “love your enemies” reflects the ancient Jewish prophecy that the Messiah would be a “Prince of Peace” (Isaiah 9:6-7). It also fleshes out his words, “Blessed are the peacemakers.” By loving our enemies, by taking the beam out of our own eye, we become a peacemaker.

The post How do you love an enemy? appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

One such excuse arose soon after my first meeting. Our beloved Mumbai city had faced its worst crisis on 26^th November 2008 when a handful of terrorists unleashed unprecedented violence on its unsuspecting citizens. There was shock, pain, anger, fear—not just in Mumbai but across India and the world. I, too, was disturbed and angry and was trying to make sense of the tragedy. A trusted friend was among those who lost their lives in the massacre that had lasted four long days. My mind was confused, my heart was in pain. Yet, I wanted to feel love and practise forgiveness. I kept Dada’s strong emphasis on forgiveness in mind but it seemed extremely difficult to put into practice in that instance. So I decided to reach out and ask him directly and he graciously agreed for a one-to-one meeting.

The 1000w smile

As usual, being in his presence was, in itself, soothing enough that the mind became peaceful and all questions vanished. His smiling face was like a 1000w bulb that banishes all darkness from your heart. His humble demeanour aroused in my being a sense of compassion that cannot be described. All I can say is that feelings such as anger, anxiety, hatred and resentment have no place in presence of the light of compassion.

Suddenly, I knew that everything that was happening was in divine order. The apparent injustice pervading the world isn’t something to be angry about or afraid of. What is needed is to connect with the source of wisdom that in intrinsic in each of us and then follow its guidance. I realised that the world out there is only a reflection of my inner world and so all change must begin with me. The world will change when I do.

I was silent. Dada’s loving presence had worked its magic. Since all my turmoil melted away, I let my mom, who had accompanied me, interact with him. She had been very keen to meet Dada and he, too, was delighted to meet her. He made sure she felt comfortable and heard. That’s the thing about him—his love doesn’t discriminate. Since then, every time I met Dada, he never failed to inquire about my mom.

Message to the world

Later, I requested him to say a few words, a message for the world, in the wake of the terrorist attacks. I had carried an amateur video camera, just in case he agrees, which he did. As I turned on the camera to record, Dada began speaking, compassion and love oozing out of his every word. His message was just like him: simple and practical, yet extraordinarily profound. In his impeccable diction, he underlined the importance of faith and urged people to focus on cultivating character. He said that there is an invisible force that is always with us whether we know it or not. If we have faith in this force, we will have courage. And with courage, we can meet any challenge, no matter how arduous or perilous it seems. (Watch the video clip below)

Dada, the epitome of love and compassion, himself merged with the invisible force exactly a year ago. Of course, he is still available to you whenever you feel the need for his loving guidance. Just tune in with faith.

Watch: Dada’s message on the important of cultivating character

The post All you need is faith appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Or the time when you held your little one in the same way?

Merely thinking of these moments brings a smile! How beautiful love is! True love is the sweetest thing ever, don’t you agree?

Love is the most beautiful experience for not just human beings but all sentient beings. Indeed, even plants respond positively to love, as many studies have established.

Science understands love as “the release of oxytocin” in the brain.

Seems simple when you put it like that? If it’s so easy, why can’t we do it more often? Why is it so hard to love truly?

In the following article we’ll explore:

• What is Love?
• What is Unconditional Love?
• Is Unconditional Love Possible?
• How can one practice Unconditional Love?

What is Love?

For most of us, whether we accept it or not, what we call love is a conditional agreement, a kind of unwritten contract. We find such conditional love in relationships. And relationships are built on mutual expectations and conditions.

For example, you expect your husband/wife to be faithful to you. If they cheat on you, it’s a deal breaker.

So “love” is lost. This type of love requires boundaries to exist.

In this way, almost all relationships have a boundary. If both parties stay within these boundaries, the relationship blossoms.

And when the relationship blossoms, only then this love exists.

Think of all the broken relationships you’ve had in life. Look carefully at the cause of the break.

On the outside, it could seem like a very physical “incident” or “fight”. But when you look at it closely, it was because one of the people stepped outside the boundary. Your love came with strings attached.

Such love exists only within the boundary. There’s nothing wrong with it because boundaries are essential to sustain relationships.

But there is another, higher type of love, which transcends such limitations. It’s called unconditional love.

What is unconditional love?

Unconditional love is love without a boundary.

And tell you the truth, there is no such thing as “love with boundaries”.

Love, by its very nature, is boundless. It is not for certain specific people, it is for all. Love does not expect anything. It is the ultimate nature of life.

If you don’t agree just take a look around you.

The sun spreads out in the sky and touches everyone. It does not differentiate. It just gives. There is no expectation in return. It is boundless.

The Sufi poet Hafiz illustrated such unconditional love beautifully: Even after all this time, the sun never says to the earth, “You owe me.” Look what happens with a love like that. It lights the whole sky.

Whether you appreciate this or not, this is affection without any limitations.

This is love.

We tend to label and box love into different kinds: maternal love, romantic love, parental love and so on. But we’re just fooling ourselves when we do so because love has no “kinds”.

Sure, there are different relationships and the way you express love in each of them is different. But love is always only one “kind”: unconditional.

Is unconditional love possible?

When we open our eyes and become more sensitive, this question shall not exist.

Because the answer is a big YES.

What we mean to say is we are being loved unconditionally. Even as you read this article you are being loved.

Don’t believe us?

Look around and see the energy that sustains your life.

Whether you’re angry, sad, happy or indifferent—the wind still blows on your face, the sunlight still shines on you, the plants still give you fresh air. The food that you eat is a piece of life that has been given up for you to live!

No one tells you “I love you” every second. But love is expressed in ways we don’t always appreciate.

The closest to unconditional love in humans is the love of a mother. The mother always puts the baby first, no matter how the baby acts or reacts. And this behaviour often extends into adulthood: most mothers still put their children before them. That’s because a mother experiences the child as an extension of herself.

Unconditional love between couples

Unconditional love in romantic relationships requires maturity and  understanding.

The reason romantic relationships exist is because people have mutual needs. People want to be loved, to express their love, to belong.

But putting the other before oneself and ignoring one’s own needs can lead to an unhealthy emotional state.

For example, if your significant other is an alcoholic, the relationship may do more harm than good to you.

But then, is unconditional love impossible in romantic relationships?

No, it is possible.

For this, the relationship and the love need to be separated.

The basis of any relationship is boundaries. Boundaries are what make the relationship beautiful and at the same time define them.

Love does not need a relationship, though relationships blossom with love.

So in the ideal scenario, the relationship exists under boundaries defined by the people involved. For example you may mutually decide that meeting your ex-lovers is outside the boundaries of your relationship.

Thus both the partners need to agree to and respect the boundaries. The boundaries are also not a thumb rule. They expand as the couple mature. You can clearly see this in the behaviour of older couples as compared to newlyweds.

Love, on the other hand, is independent of your relationship. When love is unconditional, it exists whether or not the relationship exists. Because it is by nature not ‘conditional’. And not being conditional, it frees the lover from all expectations and their associated disappointments.

Yes, only when love is unconditional is it rewarding to the lover. Otherwise, we set ourselves up for disappointment, sooner or later.

How can one practise Unconditional Love?

Even though it expects nothing, unconditional love is self-rewarding.

A good way to experience the power of unconditional love is to practise with an inanimate creation. Something that will neither reward nor disappoint you. You could use a rock, an image of your guru/master or even a living being like a plant.

Why?

Because it will save you any disappointment of unfulfilled expectations. Since you cannot expect anything to come out of loving a picture or a plant, it becomes easier than loving a human being who may unknowingly hurt you.

Once you start loving unconditionally this way for a while, you could take this to real human relationships.

But how do you actually start loving a rock or a plant?

The answer is easy. The same way you love a person. Or the same way someone loves you.

Here’s an exercise for you. And I guarantee by the end of it you will experience unconditional love.

• Get yourself a plant: You can adopt one at a local garden or buy one from a nursery and place it in your window. Or better still, you could grow a local variety from the seeds of the food you eat.
• Make this plant a priority: Think of this plant before yourself. Put its needs before your needs. Feed the plant before you eat. Greet the plant when you come in and go out of your house. Spend time with the plant like you would with a loved one. If you feel weird at first, it’s natural. But persist and you will discover wonderful things. Just remember “the plant comes before you”.
• We express love differently: Remember that the way you express love is unique to you. You may not be one to speak a lot. So you don’t need to do it with the plant. Maybe you express love by just spending time or by offering food. Be true to your expression.
• Time: Love takes time to blossom. Be patient. Though we’ve said this enough, we’re not here for the fruits. We’re here just for the sake of being here. Make all your effort with the attitude of only giving.

Once you feel unconditional love for your plant overflowing, graduate to loving another human this way. Make him or her your top priority. Do not expect anything from them—and love them even when they don’t act lovable, especially when they act unlovable.

Sooner or later, you will begin to feel unconditional love blossoming in your heart, making you feel lighter, happier and fulfilled.

Ram Dass says, “Unconditional love really exists in each of us. It is part of our deep inner being. It is not so much an active emotion as a state of being. It’s not ‘I love you’ for this or that reason, not ‘I love you if you love me.’ It’s love for no reason, love without an object.”

So don’t think of unconditional love as an unattainable attribute of God. It is an intrinsic characteristic of every living being; it is the very nature of creation, and it exists within you, too.

Let us all give expression to this hidden potential within us.

The post Unconditional love: How to practise it appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Here’s a simple story to illustrate:

“Sonia and Raj were introduced to each other for the first time by a mutual friend. Raj was a very quiet guy, while Sonia was an extrovert who loved to talk. At first both of them did not talk too openly. This was because they were not ready to trust the other. As their mutual friend orchestrated the conversation, Raj and Sonia found out that they both love to travel. An emotional connection was established due to the common love for travel. They started speaking about the subject and, through the conversation, they built familiarity and trust. By the end of the meeting, they exchanged phone numbers on the pretext of keeping each other updated about their adventures.”

This is a classic example of simple trust being built between two people.

Trust is like a burning candle on a windy night. When guarded, it can produce warmth & illuminate the path. If not treated tenderly, it could leave one in the dark.

Genuine trust is an act of faith. Trusting means we are confident that the one we trust can do no wrong, because we’re sure of their intentions and integrity. Trust is essential for every healthy and happy relationship.

But building trust in a relationship is not easy. It takes effort. It is like tending to a plant—one has to be patient.

Trust is created when both the partners are ready to risk their vulnerability. This is the risk of being hurt by the other, which is taken willingly. There are no shortcuts to building trust. It takes an investment of time and emotion to create a beautiful bond.

Trust creates an expectation that our significant other will act/react in a certain way to situations. When this expectation is not met, it leads to broken trust. Trust once broken is hard, if not impossible to mend. If both the partners are willing and desire to rebuild broken trust, then trust building exercises can help them achieve it.

Let’s look at a few trust building exercises for couples. If you’re short on time and need to skim through, skip to the infographic at the end of the article — it has all the information condensed into one image.

6 Trust Building Exercises For Couples

Emotional transparency

Understanding a partner’s feelings and emotions is essential for building trust. In the same way, making one’s feelings known to one’s partner plays a vital role to strengthen the bond. Being truthful about oneself helps both partners understand each other better. The prospect of being open and vulnerable always may be daunting. But it helps couples become more accepting of each other’s flaws and vulnerabilities, thus strengthening the bond.

Exercise

Sit down with each other. Create an ambience of comfort and openness. Laugh a bit. Start recounting the whole day and events of the day. Communicate all the feelings experienced throughout the day. Encourage your partner to do the same. Most importantly, stay open and non judgemental.

Eye Contact

Try to count the number of people you make constant eye contact with during a day. You could count them on one hand, right? A sign of deep trust and comfort with a person is the ability to make eye contact. If you observe young children, one can clearly see how they make a judgement of a person just by looking at the eyes.

The eyes help one see into the depths of a person. That said, when one can make constant eye contact with a partner, it shows deep trust between the couple.

Exercise

Every time you communicate with your partner, make sure to maintain a soft eye contact. Do not stare, keep it simple. If it feels uncomfortable, do not force yourself. Remember, trust builds over time.

Group Activities

An individual’s behaviour within a group is different as compared to a one-to-one interaction. This also applies to couples. When in groups, couples behave differently than how they act in private. It becomes essential that the couples can predict how their partners will act when in public. The below example will illustrate,

“Pooja and Raj, who have been together for a few months, decide to have a dinner date with their friends Rahul and Reena who have been married for a year. Post dinner, Pooja decides to feed a spoon of ice-cream to Raj from her own bowl. Raj, on the other hand, feels rather uncomfortable being fed by his wife and declines. Pooja’s face turns red as she decides to have the ice cream herself.”

A moment of discomfort was created as Pooja and Raj were unsure of each other’s behaviour. This shows a lack of trust and understanding between the couple.

Exercise

Participate in people events which both you and your partner enjoy. Events like food tasting, wine tasting, dance classes, parties etc. can be a good opportunity to develop trust. Make sure to be accommodating of your partner’s behaviour so that they are accommodating of yours. Learn to adjust and adapt.

Respect Space and Boundaries

The people in our life, whether spouse or parents or friends, are co-passengers on a journey. We consciously choose to travel with each other to make our journey more joyful. But we must remember, it’s “our” journey. As a couple, you may spend a lot of the journey together, but you also spend a part of the journey away from each other. Respecting this space is essential to build trust. Let your partner enjoy their time on their own. Maybe they like to watch a TV show alone, or watch a game of football with their office peers. Have boundaries and respect them. This helps to make the relationship sweeter and strengthen trust.

Exercise

This is perhaps the most important of all trust building exercises for couples. Encourage your partner to take up activities that they love. These needn’t be group activities. Many a times, we stop enjoying our hobbies after marriage or engaging in a relationship. Encourage your partner to take up any such activities which they previously enjoyed. At the same time, reflect to see how you have changed. Make it a point to have some alone time to rejuvenate your mind and body.

Be Truthful

The most important aspect of a successful relationship is a truthfulness. This is perhaps the most commonly spoken about trait but is also the hardest to live by. You and your partner may not always be ready to accept each other’s truths or ideas but the most successful relationships are based solely on truth and acceptance. Embracing truth will no doubt lead to temporary ups and downs but it makes and keeps a relationship strong.

Exercise

Every night, sit down with your partner and practice confessions. These need not always be negative or pertaining to apologies. It could even be a positive confession like ‘how you helped a poor boy today’ or ‘how you felt embarrassed when something happened’. Remember, no lie is innocent.

Practise Patience

Probably the most overlooked aspect of building trust between people is patience. Trust grows with time. It’s like a plant which needs to be tended to regularly, so that one day it blooms. It doesn’t happen overnight in any circumstance. There isn’t a prescribed duration to which one can set a timer. It is different for every person.

Exercise

Patience is not only a virtue for a successful relationship, but also for a successful life. You can practice patience by actually planting a seed in your garden and then nurture and co-grow it with your partner. Plant a seed of each of your favourite flowers and tend to them. You will see that as the plant blooms, so does the relationship.

Make sure to share this article with your loved one, because it takes two to tango! Together, both of you treat these six exercises like games that you will play with each other to help you lay a strong foundation of trust in your relationship.

The post 6 Trust Building Exercises For Couples [The definitive guide] appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Every relationship based upon this rule is guaranteed to glitter, be it between spouses, siblings, friends, businessmen, corporations and even entire nations.

Unfortunately, simple as it is to understand, the Golden Rule is not as widely followed. What is far more rampantly practised instead is another twisted, pernicious, tit-for-tat rule—treat others like others treat you! I call this the Rusty Rule. Rusty, because all it does is corrode the bonds it touches. It fuels such feelings as revenge, retaliation, punishment and justice at any cost. And the result is for all to see. For instance, one country bullies the other [flouts The Golden Rule], and the other responds in like manner [applies The Rusty Rule] and soon we have a full-blown war where everyone loses. But in spite of it being a lose-lose proposition, almost everyone defends the Rusty Rule, forgetting entirely that eye for an eye can only make the whole world blind.

A lose-lose proposition

A case in point is the 2012 tragic incident—a spat between Chadha brothers Hardeep and Gurdeep [Ponty] turned violent with both getting killed at their New Delhi farmhouse, a property that was apparently under dispute. According to news reports, while Hardeep shot his own brother in a fit of rage, he was in turn shot by Gurdeep’s personal security guards.

Clearly, not only the Golden Rule was flouted, the Rusty Rule was applied forcefully. The Chadha brothers became sworn enemies of each other—because each wanted to be treated in a way that he was not willing to treat the other. My guess is that even if one of them would have followed The Golden Rule, they would still be living. What’s more, in all likelihood, the other would have come around too, sooner or later, and the dispute would’ve resolved amicably.

While most of us are, thankfully, not involved in any major feud like the Chadha brothers, we do have ample opportunities in our daily lives to apply the Golden Rule. More often than not though, we end up following the Rusty Rule automatically when we react to others’ thoughts, deeds and actions. So many serious conflicts will be averted and so many relationships will be saved if only more of us adopt the Golden Rule as the default setting when dealing with others.

Put yourself in the other’s position

Do not underestimate the transformational power of the Golden Rule. Besides being the most effective way to forge lasting and meaningful bonds, it’s the best defuser of potentially explosive situations. How about trying out the Golden Rule in your life—with your family, at work, or even in traffic? If someone makes a mistake, even if it’s a terrible one by your standards, stop for a few moments, and try putting yourself in his/her position. Ask yourself: how would I like to be treated if I had committed the same mistake? Then proceed to treat the other accordingly.

Of course, we ought to remember also that we have no control over others. Which means, even if you follow the Golden Rule, the other may not reciprocate in kind. But that should not dissuade you from putting it into practice. For it may not change the other but it will transform you in ways you may not have imagined. And it will bring you peace of mind even as it fills your life with fresh energy.

The post Why we need the Golden Rule appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.