Why Communication Breaks Down

Most communication difficulties between couples do not begin with a single dramatic event. They develop through small misunderstandings, unspoken expectations, and emotional reactions that accumulate over time. Different communication styles play a significant role: one partner may prefer to address conflict directly, while the other withdraws to avoid confrontation. This creates what therapists call the pursue-withdraw dynamic, where one person pushes for resolution, the other pulls back, and both end up feeling frustrated and unseen.

Communication problems are also frequently symptoms of something deeper. Emotional triggers rooted in past experiences, sometimes from long before the relationship, can prevent partners from using communication skills they already intellectually possess. Knowing you should use “I” statements rather than accusations is one thing. Being able to do so in a moment of emotional intensity is another.

Nonverbal communication adds another layer. Tone, body language, facial expressions, and silence all carry meaning, and misreading them is a common source of conflict, particularly when partners are already on edge.

The Role of Couples Therapy

Couples therapy provides a structured, neutral space where both partners can express themselves without the conversation derailing into conflict. A trained therapist helps slow communication down so that instead of reacting immediately, couples learn to pause, reflect, and respond with more intention. This shift alone can reduce emotional intensity considerably.

Therapists also help couples identify communication patterns they may not recognize on their own. The pursue-withdraw cycle, for instance, rarely feels like a pattern from the inside. Instead, it feels like your partner is refusing to engage, or refusing to leave it alone. Naming the dynamic changes how both people experience it.

Active Listening and Validation

A significant part of rebuilding communication between couples involves learning to listen properly. In conflict, rather than listening most people are preparing their response. Couples therapy addresses this through active listening practice: giving full attention to the speaker, reflecting back what was heard, and resisting the urge to respond before the other person feels understood.

Validation is equally important, and it is often misunderstood. It does not mean agreeing with your partner — it means acknowledging their feelings and letting them know you have heard them. When people feel genuinely heard, they become more open to hearing their partner’s perspective in return.

Understanding Emotional Needs and Triggers

Every individual carries emotional patterns shaped by past experience. Couples therapy helps partners explore what situations trigger strong reactions in them, how those reactions connect to earlier experiences, and why certain arguments keep recurring regardless of the topic.

This awareness creates a shift from blame to understanding. Arguments that appear to be about household chores, punctuality, or finances are often expressions of unmet emotional needs for respect, security, or acknowledgement. Recognizing this changes how couples approach disagreement.

Related reading » 6 Common Fight Starters Among Married Couples

Practical Tools for Daily Communication

Therapy introduces specific techniques couples can apply in their interactions outside sessions:

“I” statements

Replacing “You never listen” with “I feel unheard when…” shifts the conversation from accusation to expression.

Structured breaks

Agreeing to pause a conversation when it becomes too heated, with a set time to return to it, prevents escalation.

Direct expression of needs

Stating what you need rather than expecting it to be inferred reduces resentment.

Reflective listening

Before responding, briefly summarizing what your partner said confirms you have understood them correctly.

Nonverbal awareness

Paying attention to tone, eye contact, and body language, both your own and your partner’s, as part of the exchange.

Scheduled check-ins

Setting aside regular, low-pressure time to talk about the relationship before issues accumulate.

Effective communication is a skill which means it can be learned and, with practice, improved. Small, consistent changes in how partners speak and listen compound over time.

The Benefits of Couples Therapy

For couples who engage with the process consistently, the gains are often broader than they expected when they first sought help.

• Stronger emotional connection. Partners develop a deeper understanding of each other’s inner world, not just their behavior.
• Better conflict resolution. Disagreements become less frequent and less damaging as both partners develop tools to manage them.
• Rebuilt trust. Consistent, respectful communication repairs trust that has eroded over time.
• Greater intimacy. Feeling heard and understood creates emotional safety, which is the foundation of genuine closeness.
• Increased relationship satisfaction. Couples who communicate well report higher overall satisfaction and resilience during difficult periods.
• Improved individual wellbeing. Relationship stress affects mental and physical health; resolving it has benefits beyond the partnership itself.

When to Consider Couples Therapy

Many couples delay seeking help, assuming therapy is only for relationships in crisis. In practice, earlier intervention tends to produce better outcomes. Resentment has less time to harden, and patterns are easier to interrupt before they become deeply ingrained. Therapy is worth considering when arguments repeat without resolution, when emotional distance has become the default, or when one or both partners feel consistently unheard. It is also a legitimate choice for couples who simply want to strengthen a relationship that is functioning but not thriving.

Case Study: How Couples Therapy Helped Maya and Rolf

Maya and Rolf had been together for six years. Maya would raise concerns about feeling disconnected; Rolf, uncomfortable with conflict, would go quiet. Maya would push harder.

Rolf would withdraw further. Neither understood why the same argument kept happening. In therapy, they learned this was a pursue-withdraw pattern — not a character flaw in either of them, but a dynamic shaped by how each had learned to handle conflict growing up. When Maya raised a concern, Rolf heard criticism. When Rolf went quiet, Maya felt abandoned.

Practicing active listening changed things. Rolf began reflecting back what Maya said before responding. Maya felt heard for the first time in years; she became less urgent in how she raised things. The argument about disconnection turned out to be about each of them needing reassurance, expressed in ways the other couldn’t receive.

Conclusion

Communication difficulties between couples are rarely just about words. It reflects how partners understand themselves and each other. It is about the emotional histories they bring to the relationship, the needs they struggle to express, and the patterns that have formed in the absence of better tools. Couples therapy works not by teaching people to talk more, but by helping them understand what they are actually trying to say, and why it so often goes unheard. For couples willing to engage with that process, the gains extend well beyond fewer arguments as they develop greater trust, deeper intimacy, and a more stable foundation for whatever comes next.

The post How Couples Therapy Helps Rebuild Communication appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Research shows that alpha personalities — characterized by leadership traits, high ambition, and strong decision-making abilities — face specific challenges when both partners share these traits. But, with the right approach, two alphas can create exceptionally successful marriages that leverage both partners’ natural leadership abilities.

In this article, we’ll explore the unique dynamics of dual alpha relationships, common pitfalls to avoid, and helpful strategies that successful alpha couples use to thrive together.

• Understanding Alpha Personalities in Relationships
• Common Challenges When Two Alpha Personalities Marry
  • Fighting about who is on top spells trouble in any family
  • For an alpha, giving up leads to feelings of depression
  • Anxiety emerges if decision-making freezes
  • Escape via distractions can offer a fourth alternative
• 5 Proven Strategies for Two Alpha Personalities in Marriage
  1. Zero talking or acting out in anger
  2. Discuss the issue calmly, starting by asking questions to gather information and then sharing your concerns
  3. Establish Clear Roles and Responsibilities Based on Strengths
  4. Schedule Regular Check-ins to Prevent Conflicts
  5. Use Win-Win Problem Solving
• Frequently Asked Questions
• The Takeaway

Understanding Alpha Personalities in Relationships

In the world of wild dogs, every pack has a pecking order, on the top of which reigns the alpha. A strong alpha enables the pack to function in harmony. In return, the alpha gets special perks: first access to food and to mating opportunities. Who wouldn’t want to be the alpha?!

Fighting establishes who is on top. The more physically powerful alpha rules the roost. The loser slinks off. Fighting is risky though; even the winner may suffer wounds.

Common Challenges When Two Alpha Personalities Marry

If the animal is a person and the troop is a family, the husband and wife may both aim to take the dominant alpha role. Both George and Julie, for instance, are alphas by temperament and capability. Both are effective leaders at work, both with upper management corporate positions. When these two male and female alpha personalities interact at home, they have five options. Four are of these are bad options:

• Fight: to win by domineering
• Fold: giving in and giving up like a slinking-off weaker dog
• Freeze: by ceasing to talk about their differences
• Flee: escaping the conflict physically or else via distractions: drugs or alcohol, watching TV sports, overeating, working 24/7, or continuously focusing on their computer.

Fighting about who is on top spells trouble in any family

Anger upsets everyone in earshot. Here’s how that picture would look in George and Julie’s family:

George wants to eat dinner at 6pm; his wife wants to eat at 7pm. George would grumble and growl about how dinner was not ready when he was. He might make nasty comments, complain and criticize his wife, or shout to bully Julie into doing what he wanted. 

Julie would other forms of fighting to get her way. She did not want to bicker with George or shout louder or make nastier comments than he could. Rather, she would fight via passive-aggressive inaction. That is, she would get back at George by winning with a strategy of not doing, ignoring what George wanted. Alternatively, when George would shout, rather than argue each point, she would wait, quietly seething, until she could deftly slide in a snide comment that wounded him to the core. 

For an alpha, giving in and giving up leads to depression

Feeling less powerful creates a loss of serotonin. This serotonin drop is experienced in both animals and people as depression. When the weaker partner caves in on the struggle to get what she or he wants, depression emerges.

Depression serves a purpose. Depression decreases motivation to fight. Staying clear of fights prevents the weaker party from engaging in fights that might produce emotional or physical injuries. They resign to thinking, “Better depression than to get wounded.”

Julie would ultimately triumph by wounding George with cutting contemptuous comments, George would then stomp out of the room, acting angry but experiencing an internal feeling of depressive collapse. 

At other times, it was Julie who gave up on what she wanted. Suffering depression sometimes felt safer than attempting to stand up against George’s angry outbursts.

Anxiety emerges if decision-making freezes

Neither partner may want to risk getting injured, but immobilization in the face of a conflict or dilemma is a recipe for on-going anxiety.

On major issues, for instance, whether to move to an in-town apartment that would enable George to have less commute time to work but feel less comfortable for Julie, neither spouse wanted to fight. To avoid arguments, they avoided the topic altogether. The price was a continual background feeling of tension.

Escape via distractions can offer a fourth alternative

George tried to drown out his anger by drinking alcohol. Drinking actually calmed him but also caused him to withdraw into himself, brooding. Julie then resented her husband’s lack of attention to her. When a man at work began to shower her with sunshine, smiling often at her and finding excuses for them to talk, Julie began to feel tempted to stray. Turning elsewhere to avoid problematic situations invites creation of even worse problems.

Related » How to Live with a Perfectionist Partner: Advice From Experts

5 Proven Strategies for Two Alpha Personalities in Marriage

The good news is that people, unlike animals, can talk. With calm information sharing, win-win solutions can emerge. But first, both the male and the female need to accept each other as alphas. There is no rule that states two alpha personalities cannot be together. So Julie and George can work in the long run; only prerequisite is a will to be together.

Here are the steps that make a difference.

1. Zero talking or acting out in anger

Anger draws attention to a challenging situation. The adrenaline surge prepares you to fight. Having alerted you to a problem though, anger then needs to be given a few moments to dissipate. Pausing and doing something that would be distracting and calming refreshes the emotional system. (Also read A spiritual solution for dealing with anger in marriage)

George experienced a sudden surge of anger when he returned home one day and saw a new car in their garage. He and his wife had always made big purchases together. How could Julie have bought a new car without talking to him?!

Tempted to rage at his wife, George took a few deep breaths, reminding himself that quiet talking was always more helpful than lashing out. When he entered the house, he took a few moments to wash his face and cool down, staying clear of ruminating about Julie and what she had done.

2. Discuss the issue calmly, starting by asking questions to gather information and then sharing your concerns

Information-gathering and solution-building only proceed effectively when the tone is calm, safe, and good-humored.

“Is that your new car in front of our house?” George later asked Julie, trying to stay calm.  “Where did you get it? Usually we make big financial decisions like a car purchase together.”

“Yes, George, I agree we always make big purchases together, and I like that. This car was no exception. I’ll explain. Remember my colleague Sarah, my best friend at work, who died suddenly in her sleep about a month ago? Sarah had no children. She left a very simple will, giving most of her money to a charity. But her new car, which I had admired, she left to me. Her lawyer brought it to me today. I’m so touched!”

“That was very kind of her,” George agreed, sighing with relief. 

3. Establish Clear Roles and Responsibilities Based on Strengths

Two alphas often clash when both try to control the same decisions. The solution is dividing leadership based on each partner’s strengths.

George excelled at financial planning while Julie had a gift for home design. Yet they constantly argued over both areas—George critiquing decorating choices, Julie questioning financial decisions.

Their breakthrough came during another paint color debate. “We’re both trying to control areas where the other person is actually stronger,” Julie realized. “What if we each led in our natural strengths?”

They agreed. George would handle major financial decisions while keeping Julie informed. Julie would manage home-related choices while considering budget impacts. Both retained input and veto power, but respected each other’s primary jurisdiction. This eliminated daily power struggles while letting both exercise their alpha nature productively. 

4. Schedule Regular Check-ins to Prevent Conflicts

Alpha personalities hate being blindsided by decisions. Regular planning prevents the surprise conflicts that trigger power struggles.

Julie learned this after “The Vacation Incident.” She found a great beach house deal and booked it as a surprise for George. When she announced their vacation was “all set,” George felt excluded from a major family decision. Even though he loved her choice, his alpha nature reacted to being left out of the process.

“I wish you had talked to me first,” George said calmly. “I love the place, but I feel like I didn’t get any say in our family vacation.”

Their solution was to have weekly 15-minute “check-ins” every Sunday evening. They would discuss upcoming decisions, plans either is considering, and potential conflicts. Now Julie says, “I’m looking into vacation options—found some great places. Want to look together tomorrow?” George feels included from the start, preventing reactive conflicts.

5. Use Win-Win Problem Solving

When conflict arises, alpha couples need structured approaches to find solutions honoring both partners’ needs. Unlike couples where one might defer, two alphas will fight unless they have collaborative methods.

George got promoted but faced a 90-minute commute. He wanted to move closer to work. Julie loved their neighborhood—her friendships, professional connections, and the kids’ schools. Initially, each argued their case: George emphasized family time gained, Julie stressed losing her support network. They were stuck.

Julie suggested trying collaborative problem-solving from her management training. First, they identified core needs. George needed less stress and more family time; Julie needed to maintain her network and kids’ stability.

Then they brainstormed options – moving, staying put, remote work, compromise locations, or George finding a closer job. The solution surprised them: George negotiated three remote days per week, commuting only twice weekly with overnight hotel stays.

Both felt heard, neither felt defeated. The key was focusing on underlying needs rather than preferred solutions.

Related » How to help a friend who is facing marital problems

Frequently Asked Questions

Can two alpha personalities have a successful relationship?

Yes, absolutely. Two alpha personalities can create exceptionally strong partnerships when they learn to channel their leadership traits collaboratively rather than competitively. The key is accepting each other as equals and developing systems for shared decision-making. Many successful couples are both alphas—they just need different strategies than traditional relationships.

How Can Two Alpha Personalities Work Together in Marriage?

Two alpha personalities can work together by using calm communication, establishing clear roles based on strengths, scheduling regular check-ins, and focusing on win-win solutions. The key is channeling competitive traits into collaboration rather than conflict.

What are the biggest challenges for dual alpha couples?

The main challenges include power struggles over decisions, difficulty compromising when both partners are used to leading, and the tendency to compete rather than collaborate. Alpha couples also face issues with anger management, as both partners may react strongly when they feel their authority is questioned. However, these challenges are manageable with the right communication approaches.

How do alpha females and alpha males work together in relationships?

Alpha females and males can complement each other beautifully by dividing leadership responsibilities based on their individual strengths rather than competing for the same territory. The key is mutual respect—both partners must acknowledge the other’s capabilities and avoid traditional gender role expectations that might limit either person’s natural leadership abilities.

What communication strategies work best for strong personalities?

The most effective approach is calm, information-gathering conversations rather than heated arguments. Start by asking questions to understand your partner’s perspective, then share your own concerns without attacking. Avoid making assumptions and give anger time to cool before discussing important issues. Regular check-ins also prevent surprise conflicts that trigger power struggles. (Also read The art of marital communication)

Do alpha couples fight more than other couples?

Not necessarily. While alpha couples may have more intense disagreements initially, they often resolve conflicts more efficiently once they develop good communication patterns. Their natural problem-solving abilities can actually lead to faster resolution of issues. The difference is that their conflicts tend to be more direct and focused on solutions rather than lingering resentments.

Should one alpha partner become more passive to make the relationship work?

No. Asking an alpha to suppress their natural traits typically leads to resentment and depression. Instead, both partners should remain true to their alpha nature while learning to collaborate effectively. The goal is channeling those leadership qualities toward building a stronger partnership, not diminishing either person’s natural strengths.

Related » Are You the Overdependent One in Your Marriage?

Summing Up

Successful dual alpha couples like George and Julie talk together collaboratively. Living happily ever after is never easy for any couple, but cooperation matters. By calming themselves, asking questions instead of interpreting or assuming, and listening to each other’s concerns when there is a decision to be made, two alphas can share their family’s leadership in a way that enables the entire family to thrive.

This is an updated version of the article; it was first published on 17^th September 2017.

Last updated on 25^th June 2025

The post Two Alphas in Marriage: How to Make It Work appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Love psychics offer insights that can help you better understand your relationship dynamics and make decisions about your love life. It’s important to remember, though, that while psychics can offer guidance, they cannot predict the exact outcome of a relationship. Their role is to help you reflect and gain perspective so that you can make empowered choices.

Questions to Ask a Love Psychic

The key to receiving helpful advice from a psychic lies in asking the right questions. Below are some examples of questions that can help you explore your relationship and love life more deeply.

1. How can I listen to my heart?

   The first question you need to ask your psychic is how you can follow your heart. Often in relationships, we focus too much on our logical mind and ignore what our heart is trying to tell us. If you’re feeling torn or unsure about a decision, ask your psychic how you can tune into your heart’s voice. This question can help you understand the emotional side of your choices, especially when logic and emotions seem to be in conflict.

2. Will I meet a partner soon?

   If you’ve recently gone through a breakup or have been single for a while, this is a natural question to ask. A psychic can help you work through any insecurities or doubts you may have and offer insights into the timing or readiness for new love.

3. Does my partner take me seriously?

   It’s common to wonder how invested your partner is in the relationship, especially if you feel you’re giving more than you’re receiving. A psychic can offer insight into your partner’s emotions and help you understand their intentions and potential for change.

4. What can I do to strengthen our bond?

   Relationships, particularly long-distance or strained ones, can sometimes feel distant or disconnected. Instead of dwelling on the problems, ask your psychic for advice on how to deepen your connection. This proactive approach can open doors to self-improvement and positive change within the relationship.

5. Am I in the right relationship?

   Even when things seem to be going well, lingering doubts may arise about whether this person is truly “The One.” If you’re uncertain, a psychic can offer clarity and help you determine if your relationship is aligned with your long-term desires and emotional needs.

6. How does my partner feel about our relationship?

   If you’re feeling unsure about your partner’s feelings but hesitate to ask directly, a psychic can help tap into your partner’s emotions. This insight might give you a better understanding of their perspective without having to confront them.

7. Will our relationship lead to marriage?

   This question moves beyond love and touches on practical compatibility. A psychic can help you explore whether you and your partner are ready to navigate life’s challenges together and if your relationship is prepared for the commitment that marriage requires.

8. Should I stay in this relationship?

   Every relationship faces obstacles, and sometimes the challenges can feel overwhelming. Whether it’s infidelity or recurring conflict, you might find yourself questioning whether to stay or leave. A psychic can offer guidance on whether the relationship can be healed or if it’s time to move on for your wellbeing.

9. What lessons should I learn from my past relationships?

   If you’ve been through difficult relationships before, it’s important to understand the patterns and lessons you can carry forward. A psychic can help you uncover past experiences that may be affecting your current relationship choices and help you break unhealthy cycles.

10. How can I attract the right partner for me?

    If you’re single and looking for love, this question can guide you toward understanding what kind of energy you’re putting out and how you can align yourself to attract a partner who matches your values and desires.

11. What is blocking me from experiencing true love?

    Sometimes, internal fears or past traumas can prevent us from fully experiencing love. A psychic can help you identify emotional blocks or limiting beliefs that are holding you back from embracing a fulfilling relationship.

12. Is my partner being honest with me?

    If you’re feeling uneasy or sense that something is off in the relationship, you might want to ask a psychic for insight into your partner’s honesty and transparency. This question can help you explore deeper truths in your relationship.

13. How can I heal from past heartbreak?

    If you’re carrying emotional wounds from a previous relationship, it’s important to heal before moving forward. A psychic can offer advice on emotional healing, helping you release the past and open your heart to future love.

Related » Osho on relationships: Risk everything for truth

Sarah’s Encounter With a Love Psychic

The case of Sarah and Tom (names changed) illustrates how asking the right questions can help someone gain clarity and take meaningful steps in her relationship.

Sarah had been in a relationship with her boyfriend, Tom, for three years. At first, things were wonderful—they shared similar values, enjoyed each other’s company, and supported each other’s goals. However, over time, Sarah began to feel a growing distance between them. Tom seemed too preoccupied with his work, and the emotional connection they once shared seemed to be fading. Sarah found herself wondering if Tom was still invested in their relationship or if they were growing apart.

Unsure of what to do, Sarah considered seeking help. She first talked to her closest friend, who encouraged her to communicate more openly with Tom. Sarah did that but Tom’s responses remained vague, leaving her with more questions than answers. That’s when she decided to reach out to a love psychic, hoping for a fresh perspective.

Sarah’s Questions to Her Love Psychic

During her session, Sarah asked a series of questions to help her understand her situation better. She asked:

• How does Tom feel about our relationship?
  The psychic explained that Tom’s emotional distance might not be intentional but a result of the stress he was experiencing in his professional life. This insight encouraged Sarah to view the situation from a different angle and open up a conversation about Tom’s work-related stress.
• What can I do to strengthen our bond?
  Sarah also wanted to know how to reconnect with Tom. The psychic suggested small gestures to remind Tom of their emotional connection—such as planning a quiet weekend away together and making time to engage in activities they both loved.
• Is this the right relationship for me?
  Finally, Sarah asked the big question: should she continue in the relationship or move on? The psychic helped her reflect on her own needs and whether Tom, in the long run, could meet those needs. Instead of giving a definitive answer, the psychic guided Sarah to listen to her intuition, allowing her to feel more confident about the choices ahead.

In the following weeks, Sarah and Tom had open conversations about the emotional disconnect. Tom acknowledged the strain work had placed on their relationship, and they both committed to putting more effort into nurturing their connection. While Sarah still had doubts, she felt more at peace knowing she had taken the right steps to either heal the relationship or, if needed, make the difficult decision to move on.

Related » Your Soulmate Is Your Mirror

Conclusion

Whether you’re reaching out to a trusted friend, therapist, or love psychic, asking thoughtful questions is key to receiving meaningful advice. Keep in mind that while guidance can provide clarity, the ultimate decisions about your love life rest in your hands. Trust yourself to make the choices that align with your heart and your future.

Warmth and clarity are essential when navigating relationship uncertainties, and with the right support, you can find the path forward.

The post Relationship Issues? Key Questions to Ask a Love Psychic appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Dating Psychology: What Makes Us Attracted to One Another?

The Role of Physical Attractiveness

Physical attractiveness undeniably plays a crucial role in sparking initial attraction. However, it extends beyond simple aesthetics. Researchers suggest that physical appeal also connotes health and fertility, especially in the context of evolutionary psychology.

The Intriguing Mystery of Similarity

Contrary to the old saying “opposites attract,” in reality, similarity plays an impactful role in attraction. Interests, attitudes, values — these elements form a shared psychological ground that bolsters a sense of connection and understanding between individuals. It’s easier to relate, empathize, and build a lasting relationship with someone who sees the world through a lens akin to our own.

The Social Exchange Theory

This perspective is rooted in economics. The Social Exchange Theory posits that relationships are formed and maintained based on a cost-benefit analysis undertaken by each party. Essentially, we engage in relationships that we perceive to offer the greatest rewards for the least costs. This balance might encompass emotional support, companionship, or financial security.

In fact, this theory can even apply to certain niche aspects of dating culture. They perceive these platforms as providing certain benefits — financial stability or lifestyle enhancements — that outweigh the potential costs.

The Impact of Personality Traits

Attraction isn’t merely skin deep. As much as physical attractiveness or economic benefits might kindle initial interest, personality traits serve as the lasting glue in relationships. Traits such as kindness, intelligence, and a sense of humor are often deemed essential in a long-term partner. This comes as no surprise — shared laughter, intellectual stimulation, and acts of kindness create profound, enduring bonds.

Attachment Styles in Relationships

John Bowlby, a British psychiatrist, proposed the attachment theory, suggesting that early childhood experiences influence our relationships in adulthood. There are three attachment styles: secure, anxious, and avoidant. People with secure attachments tend to have healthier, more satisfying relationships, while those with anxious or avoidant styles may face challenges in their romantic pursuits.

Chemical Factors Influencing Attraction

Believe it or not, our bodies are equipped with their own love potions! Chemicals such as oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin play a major role in influencing attraction. Oxytocin, often referred to as the ‘love hormone,’ fosters feelings of bonding and trust. Dopamine and serotonin, on the other hand, are responsible for feelings of pleasure and wellbeing.

The Effect of Non-verbal Communication

Body language, eye contact, and other non-verbal cues can powerfully impact attraction. These signals serve as silent messengers of our feelings and intentions. Subtle gestures can intensify connections, making them crucial elements in the game of attraction.

The Role of Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence (EI) is an essential ingredient in any successful relationship. This trait involves the ability to identify, understand, and manage emotions with empathy and skill. People with high EI generally communicate more effectively, practice better problem-solving skills, and foster healthier relationships.

The Power of Compliments

Compliments are a great way to show appreciation and express admiration for someone. People naturally gravitate toward those who make them feel good about themselves. Additionally, positive reinforcement can deepen existing bonds and encourage greater involvement in a relationship.

The Significance of Shared Experiences

Shared experiences add depth to relationships and help strengthen the bond between partners. They create a common history and offer an opportunity to create memories together. From a psychological standpoint, these experiences become part of the relationship’s narrative, making them cherished moments that can be relived and reflected upon.

The Power of Vulnerability

Vulnerability is hard to come by. It requires a certain level of trust and openness in order to achieve. However, taking risks and displaying vulnerability can lead to a greater sense of connection between partners. It creates a space for honest communication, understanding, and appreciation — all of which are essential components of successful relationships.

The Impact of Culture

Cultural norms have a major effect on dating psychology. How we perceive relationships, decide on partners, and conduct ourselves in a social setting can be heavily influenced by the cultures we are raised in. From the idea of arranged marriages in some South Asian countries to the notion of the “three-date rule” in the West, the impact of culture should not be underestimated.

Conclusion

While the science of attraction may seem intricate and vast, it essentially comes down to a mix of physical attributes, psychological compatibility, economic exchanges, personality traits, attachment styles, body chemistry, and non-verbal cues. Understanding these aspects can significantly enhance the comprehension of our own behaviors and preferences in dating, aiding us in building more satisfying relationships.

Yet, attraction, in all its mystique and variety, remains a deeply personal and subjective experience. It is a kaleidoscope of shared laughs, whispered secrets, subtle glances, and heart-to-heart talks. And maybe, just maybe, that’s the most beautiful part of it — the unpredictable, magical whirlwind of human connection that is truly beyond words.

The post Dating Psychology: What Makes Us Attracted to One Another? appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

What Is Meant By a Perfectionist

A perfectionist is someone who has extremely high standards and sees anything that is even ‘almost perfect’ as a failure. According to psychiatrist Samir Parikh, perfectionism is a personality trait like any other that one may possess such as shyness or extroversion. He emphasizes that as a single trait, it cannot be termed as a mental disease. It’s not a mental illness unless several other behavioral disturbances are present.

Those living with perfectionists often feel hurt or offended, but the perfectionist is equally critical of his own actions as well. It starts becoming a matter of concern when all that exists for the person is what he does. At such times, the perspectives of others start taking a back seat.

Also, for a perfectionist it is all about the final destination, not the journey. “A perfectionist’s definition of happiness lies in the end-result, achieving of the target. The process of chasing a goal or the efforts put in value less for him. And hence, he finds it difficult to appreciate the virtues and efforts of his dear ones,” says Jitendra Nagpal, a psychiatrist at VIMHANS, New Delhi.

Related » Confessions of a (Former) Perfectionist Wife

A Perfectionist is Difficult to Please

It’s not easy to please a perfectionist. Psychologist Alan Entin from Richmond, Virginia says, “Perfectionism is very difficult to live with because you are always striving for some kind of magical fantasy ideal that no one can ever live up to.” To be living with such a person could be a challenge. It could be draining not just physically but emotionally too.

There is always a high risk of one’s effort being dismissed as not good enough. This could not only damage self-esteem but also impact the relationship between the couple.

Take the case of Amita, who went into severe depression within just a year of marriage. Detailed discussions with her psychologist revealed that Amita’s husband Rajesh was a thorough perfectionist — at work and home. He set such high standards for himself and her that no matter how well she tried, she failed to measure up. One year into the marriage, Amita’s self-esteem had taken a huge hit. Her psychologist realized that it was her husband that needed counseling, not her.

Second Chances

Here’s another story. Rashi got married to Ashish, her childhood sweetheart. Though in love, they used to fight often. Soon after marriage, the two decided to call it quits but only after giving it a last chance.

So they consulted a marriage counselor. In just two sessions, Rashi realised that it was her perfectionist ways and unrealistic expectations from Ashish that often led to arguments. Ashish understood that he needed to be more patient, firm and loving towards Rashi. All it needed was some change in their attitudes towards each other.

It’s hard to think of living a beautiful life with a perfectionist partner, if you’re not one yourself. “It involves adapting to each other and, in some cases, helping the perfectionist bring about the desired changes. Once an individual learns to channel his perfectionist tendencies, things can be easily handled,” says Parikh.

Expert Tips to Live With a Perfectionist Partner

How difficult it is to live with a perfectionist partner largely depends on your own perception and attitude. Here are some ways to make living with a perfectionist easier:

Don’t react every time

“Reacting every time a perfectionist partner pinpoints at something makes matters worse,” observes Parikh. So, don’t defend every time you are criticized. But later, at the right opportunity, communicate how your spouse’s behavior made you feel — the timing helps validate your point. Also, because you don’t defend yourself every time, they would be obliged to listen to you.

Don’t get beat

“For your partner to accept you as you are, it is important that you accept yourself first. Be proud of who you are,” says Nagpal. Overcome your complexes. If you suffer from a low self-esteem, it won’t be difficult for your partner to overpower you with his demands. Also, if you feel diffident within, no matter how logical your point you will never be able to stand for it. It’s difficult when someone is always trying to point out your faults, but you have to make all efforts you can.

Also read » 7 signs of gaslighting + 9 steps to deal with it

Don’t generalize

Resist the temptation to counter or disagree with everything your spouse says just because he or she is a perfectionist. At times they might be right. In a way, your partner is helping you grow. Thank them when they point out your weak areas. Most perfectionists themselves have low self-esteem and tall egos. Your attitude of being grateful for sharing their opinions will soothe their ego. In time, they will be more open to your remarks.

Explain your viewpoint

Gradually make your partner understand that, for you, your frailties and your faults are just as important as your virtues. If you value genuine efforts more than the end-result, tell them that. “Don’t be too straight or rude while expressing these thoughts. These ideologies would as it is be quite hard for the perfectionist to understand. You have to sound convincing but not crass,” says psychiatrist Sanjay Chugh.

Set mutual standards

Be willing to compromise and put in extra efforts in some areas. Likewise, talk to your partner about easing down on some counts too. For instance, if your perfectionist husband wants you to cook a proper three-course meal for him every day, ask him to help you with cleaning the house every morning. Or, if your perfectionist wife wants you to get up at 6am while you prefer getting up at 8am, it’s ideal to compromise for 7am.

Set limits

Know where to draw the line. Explain to them that you’re a separate entity and would like to be treated as one and that you need a partner, not an instructor. Under no circumstances should you entertain abusive behavior.

Don’t return the favor

Nobody’s perfect, not even your partner. There’s a world of difference between being a perfectionist and being perfect. If he points out your shortcoming, resist the temptation to do likewise and start looking only for his weaknesses. But do express your honest opinion. Help him realize areas that he needs to improve on.

Related » Trying too hard to be loved by your partner? May be it’s codependency

Summary

Living with a perfectionist is no doubt challenging. But in most cases, you can improve your equation with your partner with some effort. With your love, patience, and strength of mind, your perfectionist partner will loosen up even as you protect your own sanity and regain your self-esteem.

The post How to Live with a Perfectionist Partner: Advice From Experts appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

This happens because before marriage, you relate to one another consciously. However once your relationship settles into a monotony, your subconscious mind takes over and your relationship goes into an autopilot. You then begin to take your spouse for granted to a greater or lesser degree. This attitude gives rise to all kinds of issues and the marriage becomes lackluster and dreary. The reasons are often petty but as the distance between the partners grows and the bond they share weakens, unhappiness and discontent becomes the hallmark of the relationship.

Also read » Why do relationships fall apart?

Martin Luther King said, “There is no more lovely, friendly, and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage.” A happy married life is not difficult to achieve. But it does take sincere effort and commitment on the part of both partners. If your marriage is in need of some repair and maintenance,  I am sharing 10 tips that can get the process started. Even if your married life isn’t in any imminent danger, following these tips can strengthen your bond with your spouse and add some zing to your lives. Here you go…

10 solid tips for a happy married life

1. Acknowledge and appreciate

As I mentioned above, we often tend to take our partner for granted and it’s the little things left unsaid that could make them feel unappreciated. But these are the small things that make a huge difference. For instance, telling your wife that the food she’s cooked for you tastes good, or thanking your husband for running an errand for you, or telling your partner that she’s looking beautiful. Small gestures of appreciation are the building blocks of a happy married life.

2. Respect differences

It is not possible that you and your partner be the same in every aspect. There are bound to be differences and it is foolish to be disrespectful or contemptuous towards them. Whatever the differences, accept and respect them instead of trying to impose your way on the other person. Whenever there is a difference of opinion, resist jumping to any conclusion. Instead, try and see things from the other person’s perspective. “Why does he believe what he does?”, “Is her perspective equally valid?” “What is I am wrong about my assumptions?” — such introspective questions help you understand him or her and avoid needless friction. In fact, this will strengthen the bond between the two.

3. Keep your fights private

One of the worst things you can do for your relationship is bring out your fights in public. Whatever the issue might be, it’s important that it is addressed in private. A happy married life requires that you have a pact between the two of you that if delicate issues do come up in public then you have a pre-decided way in which you will conduct yourselves so as to avoid embarrassment or awkwardness to either of you.

4. Listen – Just don’t hear the words

Listening with all your attention is perhaps the most underrated quality of being human and it is especially important for happy relationships. Whenever you are discussing any issue, understand the feelings your partner is trying to convey, notice their body language and the expressions they are using. Give your 100 per cent attention to the words spoken. Often we just hear what the other person has said and interpret it in our own way, which leads to distortion and misunderstandings.

5. Focus on the positives

After a while of being together we tend to crib about the apparent shortcomings in our partner and this makes us just grow apart. It’s important at such times to jolt yourself out of this state and look at the larger picture—which has to include the positives. In fact, the more you can make a determined effort to focus on the positives of your partner, the smoother your relationship will be. Each night, before sleeping, make it a point to tell each other a few good things about the other. Doing so will shift your attentions from what is missing in your partner to the gifts he or she brings to your life together.

6. Make time to be together

This has to be a conscious effort. Just living under the same roof doesn’t mean that you are spending time with each other. You could take a brief post-dinner walk together or have your morning tea in each other’s presence. Even 15 minutes is good enough but let it be a time that is totally reserved for being together. If you can’t spend time daily due to any compulsion, you could work out a way to spend leisurely time with one another once or twice a week for slightly longer duration.

7. Avoid confrontation when angry

If there’s one thing that you must do when you are angry is—stay silent. Arguing when angry only makes you say things in a way that increases damage. It’s okay to sleep over a fight and discuss it the next morning when you both are calmer. But make sure you tell your partner that you are staying silent because you’re too angry to speak and you believe your words may cause more harm. When you feel anger surging within you, make an exit from the situation.

8. Have shared goals

Having shared goals is one terrific way to keep your bond strong. The shared goal could be anything — raising your children consciously, building your dream home, or a social cause that you both feel strongly about. Sharing goals gives a higher purpose to your relationship and also helps you connect with the larger dimension of your partner.

9. Open your hearts to one another

Communicating your hopes, wishes, dreams and desires with your partner enriches your bond and inspires one another. Likewise, revealing your fears, concerns and anxieties to your spouse brings you closer as you recognize that you are both vulnerable human beings who need understanding, support and encouragement from time to time.

10. Say sorry, and mean it

We all make make mistakes from time to time. However, owning up doesn’t come easily, especially if you are emotionally invested in being “right”. But if you wish to have a healthy and happy marriage you ought to prioritize peace and love over wanting to be right or protecting your pride. When you realize your mistake, apologizing to your partner can often stop the conflict in its tracks and also convey to your partner that you value truth and facts over false pride. For a happy married life, say sorry whenever you are in the wrong — and mean it!

The post 10 solid tips for a happy married life appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

What Did the Buddha Say About Infidelity?

The first of the five hindrances that the Buddha warned us about is lustful desires. In the Dhammapada, a concise collection of his teachings, the Buddha said: “Lust and greed ruin the mind as weeds ruin fields.” This is an image that we can all relate to and have probably, at one time or another, experienced for ourselves.

So, if we have been a victim or a perpetrator of sexual infidelity or cheating in a relationship, how can Buddha’s wisdom help us today in the 21^st century to understand, cope, and deal with it? How, according to Buddhism, can we move from ill-will, hatred or anger toward our self or our partner, to healing and forgiveness of everyone involved?

What would be Buddha’s Advice for You if You Are a Victim of Your Partner’s Infidelity?

Whatever we’re feeling about this transgression, chances are we are feeling some level of anger and jealousy. The first step is to find our way out of this murky depth of distraction, so that we can see clearly what there is to do. If we get stuck in blaming, shaming and keeping the focus on someone else’s faults, there is no way out for us.

A 5-step meditation to deal with your emotions towards your cheating partner

1. Begin practising mindfulness by taking the focus off the other person and turning your attention to your self and your feelings.
2. Find a quiet place to sit, with as few external distractions as possible. Then turn your attention to your body, your breath and your inner landscape. Take note of what keeps coming up:
   “I hate him/her for doing this to me.”
   “I’m a fool for believing in him/her.”
   “I can’t believe he/she cheated on me with that person.”
3. How does your body feel? Where is the tension? Can you breathe into those places one by one and, every time you exhale, breathe out some relief?
4. Then start to remove the pronouns, the names and the specifics about this betrayal from your thoughts. How does it feel to admit hate or foolishness or worry?
5. Then sit with just the feelings that are coming up; part the feelings from the individuals attached to them. Most likely there’s some anger in there. How about fear? Are these feelings new to you or have you felt them before? Can you try to accept that you are feeling these things and make an effort to not act on them? Can you accept that these feelings are inside you and the actions of your partner simply triggered them? Can you believe that you have the power to ignite these feelings or not?

Mindfully Meditating on Your Partner’s Adultery

Can you feel anger without being angry? Sit with this idea for a few moments, without feeding your emotions with a story. Notice what happens to the emotion if you just allow it to exist. You can practise this during the course of any day: first take note of your reaction to minor incidents, a pedestrian or co-worker being rude, traffic stalling when you’re in a hurry, a slow moving line or late train. What is the feeling that arises? Impatience, anger, fear, worry, frustration? What do you say? How do you act? Then after some time passes, notice how you feel: helpless, out of sorts, tense, ashamed?

Let’s go back to the initial feeling that got triggered when your needs were not met. If you can acknowledge that you had an expectation followed by disappointment followed by your particular set of feelings, then the real work of healing and self-empowerment can begin. Name the feeling, feel the feeling and don’t give in to your habitual way of coping. Don’t say or do anything, just sit with the feeling; breathe, notice and stay put. If you can begin to master these minor uncomfortable interactions, when it comes to the big ones like infidelity you’ll be ready. It doesn’t mean you won’t be hurt like crazy, but you will be able to deal with whatever life brings you, with equanimity and understanding.

Related » 6 Trust Building Exercises For Couples

What if You Are the One Who Has Committed Adultery?

As humans, we have a deep need to connect with others, to be intimate, to love and be loved. So when we meet the person with whom we want to spend our lives and we make a vow to be true to that person, we often tend to think “This is it! The end, we’re committed, it’s done!” And that is when the relationship can begin to break down. Think of this vow, this commitment to each other as a living, breathing thing that needs continual attention in order to survive.

Too often we become lazy in relationships, both with ourselves and with others, so that one day we wake up and don’t even know the person sleeping next to us or the person we’ve changed into. We think: “It’s his/her fault for making me stray from our marriage. If he/she paid more attention to me, spent more time doing what I want, this wouldn’t have happened. I’m the one who initiates everything and I’m tired of it.”

Other-awareness often comes before self-awareness, which can help us to justify our bad behavior: adultery, cheating or any other misconduct that hurts our relationship.

Dealing with your emotions after committing adultery

So, first and foremost, it is important to pay attention to every moment, day, word, exchange and action we take with our loved one. We must first become aware of our reactions to our partner and then learn to communicate, in a loving and respectful way, what it is we feel and what it is we need.

If you’re reading this and you have already moved into unfaithful behavior, it is not too late to save your relationship. You owe it to yourself and your partner to explore what happened and what can be done.

But before you approach your partner, you will need to come clean with yourself about your actions, your infidelity. Investigate your history of relationships. Not just the one you’re in, but the ones that came before.

Introspecting your own patterns of infidelity

Can you see a pattern? How open and honest were you? If you can’t be honest with yourself right now, you won’t be able to be honest with anyone. This is a rigorous spiritual work, but it can lead to a satisfying, long-lasting, love partnership. Were you able to ask for what you needed and wanted from your partners? Or did you expect them to know? How did you give and receive love from others? Be careful as you go through this self-exploration, not to shame and blame. And find a trusted friend, advisor or therapist to work with. You do not have to go through it alone.

If your relationship history includes a pattern of jumping from one relationship to the next to find the perfect person, you are not alone. Many of us do it. But that hole in you that you are trying to fill can never be filled by anyone else. That is not the solution to your loneliness and desire to be loved. Deep inside you know this to be true.

Adultery Can Affect Those Outside the Relationship Too

It is no coincidence that the third precept in Buddhism, after “do not kill” and “do not steal”, is do not engage in sexual misconduct—do not misuse sex and give in to lust. It causes so much harm, so much suffering. Even spiritual communities and Zen Masters are not immune from this. My own sangha was blown apart as a result of the sexual transgressions of our teacher. His actions harmed every member in our community—not only the students that he took advantage of, but also the ones who defended him. But just as I can recover from his infidelity, so can he.

Also read » Extramarital Affairs: Why Do We Stray?

Dealing With Adultery According to the Four Noble Truths of Buddhism

The first noble truth of Buddhism tells us that we all suffer. Some suffering, like birth, death and illness cannot be avoided. The second noble truth tells us that our craving to have things different than they actually are creates much of our suffering. The Buddha’s third noble truth tells us that if we see things as they are and let go of craving and clinging, we can reduce our suffering. And the fourth noble truth offers us a path to liberation from craving, toward a compassionate life, free from suffering.

Of course, following these noble truths prescribed by the Buddha does not mean that you or your partner will never commit adultery. What it does mean is that you have the power to care for yourself and to become aware of your reactions to whatever life brings you, and not act out on your own impulses.

If you become honest with yourself and become willing to open up a dialogue with your partner about how to proceed, then—and only then—is there the possibility of healing. If you can be honest with yourself, then you have a better chance of being honest with your partner, even if you are the one misusing sex.

If we want to have a truly intimate connection with our partner, we must first have such a connection with ourselves and understand that sex is not love, nor is it the only path to intimacy. Healing from any sexual transgression or cheating that we experience requires some detachment, a great deal of self-love and moment-by-moment attention to what it is to be truly human. And then compassion and forgiveness of ourselves and others will follow in time.

Key Takeaways: Buddhist Teachings on Adultery

The Buddhist path offers practical tools for healing that honor both the reality of suffering and the possibility of transformation.

Core Buddhist Understanding

Sexual misconduct creates universal suffering. As the Buddha stated: “Lust and greed ruin the mind as weeds ruin fields.” Infidelity is the third fundamental precept in Buddhism because it harms not just partners, but entire communities.

For Those Who Have Been Betrayed

Turn your attention inward, not outward. Practice the 5-step meditation: focus on yourself, find quiet space, breathe into tension, remove names from thoughts, and sit with feelings separate from people.

Learn to feel anger without being angry. Your partner’s actions triggered feelings already inside you – recognizing this gives you power over your responses.

For Those Who Have Been Unfaithful

Honest self-examination comes first. “If you can’t be honest with yourself right now, you won’t be able to be honest with anyone.” Investigate your relationship patterns before approaching your partner.

Relationships require continuous attention. Commitment is “a living, breathing thing that needs continual attention in order to survive.”

The Four Noble Truths Applied

1. Suffering exists – Betrayal causes inevitable pain
2. Craving creates suffering – Wanting things different adds to pain
3. Suffering can end – Letting go of clinging reduces suffering
4. There is a path – Mindful awareness enables healing

Essential Healing Principles

Three key elements: Detachment (space from emotions), self-love (compassion during healing), and moment-by-moment attention (staying present).

Recovery is possible for everyone. “Just as I can recover from his infidelity, so can he.”

Core Insights

• Sex is not love – True intimacy requires first connecting with yourself
• Forgiveness follows naturally – Don’t force it; practice detachment and self-love first
• Healing needs mutual commitment – Both partners must do the inner work
• It’s not too late – Even after infidelity, relationships can be saved
• Practice with small challenges first – Build mindfulness skills with minor irritations before tackling major betrayals

Last updated on 7^th July 2025

The post Buddha on Infidelity and How to Recover from It appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Other differences are non-physical. They sometimes fall into the category of what is commonly called personality differences. Though you can’t observe these differences by simply looking at a person, they are just as real. When we use the words introvert and extrovert, we are describing a personality difference. Our differences also show in the way we perform the necessary tasks of daily life, such as loading a dishwasher, squeezing a tube of toothpaste, or hanging a roll of toilet paper. We have different ideas on how to raise children, how to drive a car, how to spend our leisure time, and a thousand other aspects of life. It is because of our differences that we experience conflicts, but I don’t know anyone who would like to eradicate our differences and make us all clones.

The answer to conflict resolution is not in seeking to rid ourselves of our differences but in learning how to make our differences into assets rather than liabilities. The goal of a good marriage is for a couple to learn how to work together as a team, utilizing differences to make life better for both spouses. Resolving conflicts is one method by which we develop this teamwork. Sometimes, we don’t even know what our differences are until a conflict arises.

Conflicts are more than just simple disagreements

When I use the word conflict, I’m not talking about simple disagreements such as her favorite color is blue, his favourite color is yellow. That is not a conflict, it is simply a difference of opinion or preference. Conflicts are disagreements in which both spouses feel strongly and their differing opinions affect their behaviour, causing disharmony in the relationship.

Now, if the wife’s preference for blue and the husband’s preference for yellow is applied to painting the bathroom, their strongly held differences might erupt into a conflict in which they try to convince each other to paint the room a particular color. Conflicts can erupt in any area of life: driving, eating, money, sex, in-laws, spirituality, leisure time, and child rearing, to mention a few.

Conflicts are not necessarily bad—and they’re inevitable in every marriage. For one simple reason, it is impossible to be married and not have conflicts: You are married to a person and every person is unique. In marriage, our objective is not to get rid of conflicts, but rather to resolve conflicts and thereby learn how to work in harmony, as teammates, toward mutual objectives.

When I mentioned the conflict over what color to paint the bathroom, my mind flashed back to a young couple I counseled several years ago.

The case of Jerry and Iris

Jerry and Iris had been married for two years and considered themselves to be in the spring season of their relationship; that is, until they decided to repaint their small apartment. They readily agreed upon the color for each room, until they came to the bathroom. He wanted blue and she wanted green. They were surprised to find themselves arguing passionately over something that they both realized was ultimately quite trivial. Yet, they both felt so strongly about their opinions that, after a few rounds of argument, they agreed to go for counselling.

“We’re actually ashamed to be here,” Iris said. “This seems like such a trivial matter, but it has become very divisive in our marriage. And we don’t want to end up fighting over what color to paint the bathroom.”

With an apologetic shrug, Jerry said, “I bet you’ve never had a couple come to see you about a color to paint the bathroom.”

I smiled and said, “Well, let’s lay it on the table and look at it.” Turning to Iris, I said, “I’m sure you’ve told Jerry all the reasons why you would like the bathroom painted green. So, why don’t you share those reasons with me?” She ran through her list and I took notes. When she was finished, I said, “That makes a lot of sense. I can understand why you would feel that way.” She seemed relieved.

Next, I turned to Jerry and said, “I’m sure you have equally valid reasons why you would like the bathroom painted blue. So, why don’t you share those with me?” When Jerry had shared his reasons, I repeated my response: “What you’re saying makes a lot of sense. I can see why you would like to have the bathroom painted blue.” Jerry seemed relieved that I would agree with him, but Iris looked perplexed. She said, “But you agreed with both of us, and that doesn’t solve our conflict.”

“You are right,” I responded. “But I don’t think either of you is actually looking for a solution. You are still in the arguing mode and have not yet moved to the resolution mode.”

“What do you mean?” Iris said.

“How did you feel when I affirmed your list of reasons for painting the bathroom green?” I asked.

“It felt good,” she said. “It felt like you were respecting my ideas.”

I looked at Jerry and asked, “How did you feel when I affirmed your ideas as making sense and told you I could understand why you would like to have the bathroom blue?”

“I felt like you were hearing me,” he said, “like what I said made sense to you.”

“What I did for each of you is what you have not yet done for each other,” I said. “You have each argued your own position, but you have not affirmed the other person’s ideas.” I turned again to Jerry and asked, “Can you honestly say to Iris what I said to her? ‘What you’re saying makes a lot of sense. I can understand why you would want the bathroom painted green,’ I think her ideas made a lot of sense. Do you agree?”

“Yes,” he said, “but I like my ideas better.”

“That’s understandable, but would you be willing to affirm her ideas by saying something similar to what I just said to her?”

“You mean now?”

“Yes, now would be a good time.”

Jerry looked at Iris and said, “What you’re saying makes sense to me. I can see why you would want the bathroom painted green. And besides that, I love you,” he added with a smile. Both Iris and I smiled as well.

“Okay, that’s a good start,” I said. “And now, Iris, could you honestly make that statement to Jerry?”

She nodded at me and turned to face Jerry. “What you’re saying also makes sense. And I can understand why you would want to have the bathroom painted blue. And I love you, too,” she said.

“Now I think you are ready to look for a resolution,” I said. “You are no longer enemies; you are two friends trying to solve a problem. So, what are the options?”

“We could paint it green,” Jerry offered.

“Or, we could paint it blue,” Iris said. “Or we could mix blue and green together and paint it aqua.”

“I can think of another possibility,” I added. “You could paint some walls blue and some walls green.”

“I hadn’t thought of that,” Iris said.

“Neither had I,” said Jerry.

“I’ve never seen a bathroom with two colors,” said Iris.

“Neither have I,” I interjected, “but it would be unique, wouldn’t it? You would probably get lots of comments about it.”

“I like that idea,” Iris said. “What do you think, Jerry?”

“I think it’s a great idea. We will have the most unique bathroom in the development. And when the neighbors ask us why the two colors, we can tell them about our conflict and how we resolved it.”

“You might even save them a visit to a counsellor,” I said.

When a couple learns to resolve conflicts in this manner, when they work together to understand, encourage, and support each other, marriage becomes beautiful. The ancient Hebrew proverb “Two are better than one” becomes reality. Their deep, emotional need for companionship is met. They are connected with each other emotionally. They approach life with a sense of harmony and together will accomplish far more than either of them could accomplish alone.

How unresolved conflicts corrode a relationship

On the flip side, unresolved conflicts become barriers to harmony. Life becomes a battlefield and husbands and wives become enemies. By means of verbal bombshells, they fight the same battles over and over again, inflicting injuries that push them even further apart emotionally.

After an unrelenting series of unresolved conflicts, a husband might say, “We are just not compatible; we shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place. We are like night and day. I don’t see how we can ever get it together.” His wife might respond, with tears flowing down her face, “How could it come to this when we enjoyed being with each other so much when we were dating? I don’t understand where we went wrong.”

The academic answer to her question is simple: They never learned to resolve conflicts. Perhaps they never anticipated conflict. In the euphoria of the “in love” experience, couples seldom recognize differences and can hardly imagine serious disagreements.

The good news is that any couple can learn to resolve conflicts. I emphasize the word learn. The skill of conflict resolution does not come simply with the passing of time. As surely as you can learn to ride a bicycle, drive a car, or use a computer, you can learn how to resolve conflicts. It will require you to change some of your attitudes, learn to listen, treat your spouse with respect, and negotiate solutions, but it can be done. I’m not saying it will be easy, but the rewards for success are phenomenal.

Why is it so important to resolve conflicts? As one husband put it, “It’s the difference between heaven and hell. For years, we were both miserable. But when we finally began learning how to resolve conflicts, I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. Now I know what it’s like to be married and happy. I can’t believe we waited so long to get help.”

The three attitudes that make all the difference

Often the difference between resolving conflicts and arguing is attitude. Why do people argue? In one word, rigidity. We adopt a rigid attitude and dig in our heels. In essence we’re saying, “My way is the right way, and if you don’t do it my way, then I will make your life miserable.” This is the attitude of an arguer; a person who insists on getting his or her own way.

Conflict resolvers have a different attitude. They say, in effect, “I’m sure we can work this out in a way that will be positive for both of us. Let’s think about it together.” Spouses who adopt this attitude are looking for a win-win resolution.

The case of Bob and Jill

Let’s take the example of Bob and Jill, who were arguing about Monday Night Football. While Bob thought he worked hard all day and deserved to unwind, watching the sport, Jill thought it was a waste of valuable time they could’ve spent together. Obviously, each of them saw the other’s position as unreasonable. They created a miserable evening by arguing and were left with a huge barrier between them. But with a different attitude, the outcome could have been different.

What if Jill had chosen an attitude of accommodation? She might have said, “Bob, I know you really enjoy Monday Night Football. It’s a way for you to unwind from the stresses of the day. On the other hand, I’m beginning to feel lonely and shut out of your life. That’s not a feeling I want to have. So, at your convenience, I’d like for us to talk about it and look for a solution. I’m sure we can work it out. I love you, and I don’t want this to come between us.”

If Bob had chosen a conflict resolver’s attitude, he might have responded, “Honey, you’re right. I really do enjoy Monday Night Football, but I also value our relationship more than anything in the world. I want to meet your needs, and I’m sure we can find a solution that will be good enough for both of us. Why don’t we talk about it at halftime?”

The evening could have been pleasant for both Bob and Jill, and they likely would have found a solution that met their needs.

An attitude of respect

Finding a winning solution begins by choosing to believe that such a solution is possible and that you and your spouse are smart enough to discover it. It begins when you recognise that you are married to another human being who is created in the image of God and is thus extremely valuable. It begins when you choose to treat your spouse as a person of worth. Starting with an attitude of respect predisposes that a couple will find a resolution to their conflict rather than put each other down with condemning arguments.

We recognise that all human being are unique and that our differences do not diminish our worth. Thus, we choose to treat our spouses with dignity and respect. This means we will not seek to convince our spouses to be like us, to agree with all our opinions. We will give them the freedom to think and feel differently, and we will always respect their thoughts and feelings. When we choose an attitude of respect toward our spouses, we are less likely to allow ourselves to get caught up uttering condemning, harsh, cruel words.

Remember Jerry and Iris, who were having difficulty resolving their conflict about what color to paint the bathroom? What they discovered in the course of our counselling together was the calming effect of respecting each other’s opinions. Both Jerry and Iris articulated their opinions very clearly, and they genuinely felt that their opinions were more valid than their spouse’s. It was not until they expressed respect for each other’s ideas that they moved from attack mode to resolution mode.

As long as couples put down each other’s ideas and judge them as less worthy, they are not likely to find a satisfactory resolution. But when they choose an attitude of respecting each other’s ideas, even though they disagree with them, they create a climate in which they can look for a resolution together.

An attitude of love

Another characteristic of conflict resolvers is that they choose an attitude of love. As one wife expressed it, “I am committed to my husband’s wellbeing. I want to do everything I can to enrich his life and help him accomplish his objectives in life.” If her husband has the same attitude toward her, then together they will find resolutions to their conflicts that will be beneficial to both of them.

Selfishness is the opposite of love. Selfish people seek to impose their will on others. What is important to them is “getting my way.” Lovers, on the other hand, seek to do those things that are most helpful for their spouses.

The case of John and Betsy

I saw an attitude of love graphically demonstrated when I visited John and Betsy. They had recently moved to our city and had visited our church. During our conversation, I discovered that they had lost a three-year-old son in a tragic boating accident a year earlier. They had two other children, who were now five and seven, and they told me that Betsy was now pregnant.

“Being a marriage counsellor, Gary, I think you will find this interesting,” Betsy said. “Our decision to have another child did not come easily. John really did not want another child, but I was strongly in favour of having another one.”

I looked at John and he said, “The pain was so deep when we lost Josh that I couldn’t bear the thought of going through that again. I was happy with the two children we had left and wanted to invest my time with them.”

“I can understand that,” I said.

Betsy continued, “I felt that my loss was so deep that I could never find healing without another baby. It was a real conflict between the two of us.”

“So how did you resolve the issue? I asked.

“We both respected each other’s position,” said John. “I knew that she really wanted to have another baby, and she knew that I didn’t. And we knew that each of us was sincere.”

“We prayed for God’s wisdom,” Betsy said. “One day while I was praying, God brought to my mind the story of Abraham offering his son Isaac on the altar to God. I knew that Abraham did that because of his deep love for God. Then a question came to my mind: ‘Do I love John enough to offer my as-yet-unconceived child on the altar?’ I’ve never loved anyone like I love John. He is a wonderful husband and father. I knew that my answer was yes. So I told John about my prayer and what God had brought to my mind, and I wanted him to know that I was willing to not have another child because I loved him so much.”

“I cried like a baby when she told me that.” John said. “Maybe it was the pent-up grief within me, but I sobbed uncontrollably for 30 minutes. I felt so overwhelmed by Betsy’s love. I didn’t say anything that night. I just cried and hugged Betsy. The next day, I went to work and reflected on what had happened. I was overcome by a deep sense of my love for Betsy, and I knew in my heart that I could never deprive her of having another child. I went home that night and told her that I wanted us to have another child. She was confused at first, because she knew how adamant I had been, but before the evening was over, she realized that my heart had sincerely changed and I wanted us to have another baby. So, as you can imagine,” he said, “we’re excited about the baby that is now inside Betsy’s womb.”

I nodded affirmingly as my eyes filled with tears. Finally, when I was able to speak, I said, “I don’t know when I have ever seen such a deep demonstration of love. I think God has great plans for this child.”

Love does not demand its own way but seeks the well-being of the one loved. It is an attitude of love that moves us toward resolving conflicts. The attitude of demanding our own way leads only to arguments.

An attitude of togetherness

In the world of sports, success depends on teamwork. Whether in football, basketball, or auto racing, every team member has a job. When team members coordinate their efforts, they are more likely to meet their goals. Marriage is a team of two: a man and a woman. Marriage is not about “me and my happiness”. Marriage is about two people discovering and accomplishing God’s plans for their lives.

A husband and wife bring an assortment of abilities to their marriage. When they see themselves as team-mates, they realize that their game plan is not to compete against each other but to cooperate. It is this attitude of togetherness that creates a climate in which conflicts can be resolved. Conflicts are inevitable, but if a couple is committed to working together as a team, they can tackle the problem and not each other. An attitude of togetherness says, “We will not let this defeat us. We will find an answer.”

The case of Chuck and Rhonda

Chuck and Rhonda had a major conflict over the behaviour of their two-year-old son, Caleb. Chuck thought that the best way to discipline Caleb was to spank him. After all, that is what his own parents had done with him, and he turned out all right. Rhonda thought that spanking was barbaric. She never remembered being spanked by her parents. My first question was “Do you want Caleb to have two parents or one?”

“Well, two,” said Chuck as Rhonda nodded affirmingly.

“Of course,” I continued. “Do you want each of those parents to do what is right in his or her own eyes, or do you want them to have the same game plan?”

“We’ve got to get on the same page,” Chuck said. “What we’ve been doing is not working. It is destroying our marriage.”

“It tears me apart when he spanks Caleb,” Rhonda said.

“I don’t want him to grow up to be irresponsible,” Chuck said.

“I don’t either,” Rhonda replied.

“The two of you seem to have the same goal in mind,” I observed. “You both want Caleb to grow up to be a responsible young man.” Chuck and Rhonda both nodded in agreement. “The conflict lies in the method of reaching that goal. Can we agree that you are team-mates and not enemies?”

“Lately we’ve been acting like enemies,” Rhonda said, “but I think both of us want to be team-mates.”

“It’s fundamental that the two of you affirm that attitude,” I said, “because if you continue to be enemies, Caleb will likely grow up to be irresponsible. Now, I’d like you to hold hands and repeat after me…”

They both seemed a little shocked, but Chuck reached over and took Rhonda’s hand.

“We are team-mates,” I said.

Chuck and Rhonda repeated, “We are team-mates.”

“Do you believe that?” I asked.

“Yes,” they said in unison.

“Then let’s get started.”

I gave them a reading assignment for the following week. They were to explore how other couples feel about spanking and to discover what child-development experts have written on the subject.

After Chuck and Rhonda did their research and we discussed their findings at some length, Chuck came to understand that there is more than one way to discipline a child, and Rhonda learned that spanking administered in the context of love is not as barbaric as she had assumed. Ultimately, they decided on three levels of response to Caleb’s disobedient behaviour: Level 1 was verbal reprimand; Level 2 was loss of privileges; Level 3 was spanking. They agreed to observe which type of discipline seemed to work best in changing Caleb’s behaviour. They also agreed that they would continue reading and would attend a parenting class for parents of preschoolers that was offered at their church.

It was the attitude of togetherness that provided the foundation on which Chuck and Rhonda were able to build a positive plan of discipline for their son. Without this attitude, they might still have been arguing when Caleb was 12.

We can choose our attitudes

In summary, it is an attitude of respect, love, and togetherness that leads to resolving conflicts. The good news is that we can—and do—choose our attitudes daily. Unfortunately, our default mode is selfishness, which leads us to proclaim, “My way is the right way.” By nature, we are all self-centered, and that is why arguments are so common in marriage. However, we can choose an attitude of respect, love, and togetherness. Many of the couples I have worked with have found it helpful to put the following statements on an index card and post it in a prominent place in order to help them choose a winning attitude each day:

• I choose to respect my spouse’s ideas, even when I disagree with them.
• I choose to love my spouse and do everything I can to help him or her today.

I choose to believe that my spouse and I are team-mates and that with God’s help we can find solutions to our conflicts.

The post How to resolve everyday conflicts in marriage appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Researchers from Michigan State University conducted one of the first studies of its kind to quantify the happiness of married, formerly married and single people at the end of their lives to find out just how much love and marriage played into overall wellbeing.

The study — published in the Journal of Positive Psychology — examined the relationship histories of 7,532 people followed from ages 18 to 60 to determine who reported to be happiest at the end of their lives.

“People often think that they need to be married to be happy,” said William Chopik, MSU assistant professor of psychology and co-author of the paper, “So we asked the questions, ‘Do people need to be in a relationship to be happy? Does living single your whole life translate to unhappiness? What about if you were married at some point but it didn’t work out?,’ Turns out, staking your happiness on being married isn’t a sure bet.”

Details of the study

Chopik, along with MSU psychology master’s student and co-author Mariah Purol, found that participants fell into one of three groups:

• 79% were consistently married, spending the majority of their lives in one marriage;
• 8% were consistently single, or, people who spent most of their lives unmarried;
• 13% had varied histories, or, a history of moving in and out of relationships, divorce, remarrying or becoming widowed.

The researchers then asked participants to rate overall happiness when they were older adults and compared it with the group into which they fell.

“We were surprised to find that lifelong singles and those who had varied relationship histories didn’t differ in how happy they were,” said Purol. “This suggests that those who have ‘loved and lost’ are just as happy towards the end of life than those who ‘never loved at all.'”

While married people showed a slight uptick in happiness, Purol said the margin was not substantial — nor what many may expect. If the consistently married group answered a 4 out of 5 on how happy they were, consistently single people answered a 3.82 and those with varied history answered a 3.7.

Relationships not necessary to be happy

“When it comes to happiness, whether someone is in a relationship or not is rarely the whole story,” Chopik said. “People can certainly be in unhappy relationships, and single people derive enjoyment from all sorts of other parts of their lives, like their friendships, hobbies and work. In retrospect, if the goal is to find happiness, it seems a little silly that people put so much stock in being partnered.”

If someone longs for a lifelong partner to start a family and build a happy life together, Chopik and Purol’s research suggests that if that individual isn’t completely happy to begin with, getting married won’t likely dramatically change it all.

“It seems like it may be less about the marriage and more about the mindset,” Purol said. “If you can find happiness and fulfillment as a single person, you’ll likely hold onto that happiness — whether there’s a ring on your finger or not.”

The post Do relationships increase your chances of being happy? appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Well, yes. But self-care can do much more than that. Taking care of yourself doesn’t just make you feel good but it also can lead to better relationships with others.

A happy and successful relationship begins with self-care, even if you might not have thought about the connection between the two before. But how and why? Let’s look at four big reasons.

1. Self-care creates a space for you

It’s so important in any relationship to have space for yourself. All too often, especially when we’ve been in a relationship for a long time, we can lose our sense of self and forget what makes us individuals.

This doesn’t necessarily mean that your relationship is bad or unhealthy—sometimes, we just slip into these habits. We end up doing everything together; we have couple activities and couple goals and couple accomplishments.

And while it is amazing to be able to share your life with a person you love, it’s important that you still take some time for yourself and don’t lose your identity. If you’re constantly doing everything together, chances are that you’re probably compromising on some of the things you want.

Taking a step back and practising giving yourself some love and care creates a space for you—for your wants and needs. So, if you love reading, carve some time out in your evening to get comfy on the sofa with a good book while your other half watches the TV. If there’s a hobby that you adore like gardening or yoga but you’ve let it slide recently because you’ve both been caught up with social commitments, bring it back into your life. And don’t forget to make time for your friends and family—not just your “couple” friends!

2. Self-care = a happy you = a happy relationship

Learning to love yourself is so important for your own personal happiness.

We’re generally not taught by society to love ourselves. We learn from a very early age to look at ourselves harshly: magnifying our flaws, comparing ourselves to others, and slipping into negative self-talk all too easily. We’re our own worst critics.

Self-care can help you to learn to love yourself: it teaches you to treat yourself well, to nourish your body and mind with kindness and love. Part of this includes tending to your physical needs, like eating well, adding regular exercise into your routine, and getting enough sleep so that you feel rested and rejuvenated.

It also means tending to your emotional and mental health: doing things that bring you joy, spending time with people you love, and learning to be emotionally aware so that you can be kind to yourself when you need it.

When you learn to love yourself through practising self-care, it makes you a happier version of yourself. And when you’re a happy you, you’re going to enjoy a happier relationship.

3. Taking care of yourself makes you a better partner

As I said above, practising self-care helps to boost your general mood and support your mental health, making you feel happier and more balanced.

By looking after yourself and ensuring that you’re in a good headspace, you are giving yourself the emotional capacity and availability to provide support for your other half too.

If we’re feeling low, stressed or tense for whatever reason, it’s unlikely that we’re going to be able to support to a partner who is feeling the same—and that’s if we even notice. Sometimes we’re so wrapped up in our own problems that we miss what’s going on right in front of us.

When we’re struggling emotionally, we’ll probably snap and lash out instead, not having the emotional capacity, empathy or patience to be able to deal with another person’s problems. This can result in feeling distant from each other, arguing, and disconnection.

Self-care helps you to feel happier, rested and less stressed, which means you’re in a better position to provide emotional support to your partner if they need it. This is so important in a relationship: you need to be able to support each other equally. If one of you is doing most of the emotional heavy-lifting, then that’s going to take its toll on your relationship and your wellbeing.

4. Self-care stops resentment—on both sides

Giving up self-care when you’re in a relationship doesn’t make you a martyr or a better partner to your other half. If anything, it makes you more difficult to live with and be in a relationship with.

This may sound counter-intuitive—after all, we can sometimes associate self-care with selfishness—but it actually makes a lot of sense. Your significant other wants you to be happy, fun and fulfilled in your relationship.

Not taking care of your emotional and physical needs properly means that you’re probably not as happy as you could be. In fact, it will probably result in you being distracted, moody, irritable or stressed—which can be frustrating and upsetting to your partner.

Similarly, if you’re constantly doing things for other people (like your significant other) and never doing anything for yourself, there’s probably going to be some resentment building up. You might not realise it to start with, but you could easily end up feeling resentful and underappreciated by your partner.

Practising self-care and giving yourself enough love and attention will make you feel happier and more fulfilled—and these positive emotions will feed into your relationship.

Start with small steps today

A happy relationship begins with self-care, even if you might not have connected the two before. Looking after yourself and your personal needs will help you to be a better partner: giving you the emotional capacity to be there for your other half, and strengthening your relationship.

Don’t let it fall by the wayside; start taking small steps to add more self-care into your life and you’ll see the positive impact this will have on your relationship too.

The post Why self-care is the key to a happy relationship appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.