Research shows that alpha personalities — characterized by leadership traits, high ambition, and strong decision-making abilities — face specific challenges when both partners share these traits. But, with the right approach, two alphas can create exceptionally successful marriages that leverage both partners’ natural leadership abilities.

In this article, we’ll explore the unique dynamics of dual alpha relationships, common pitfalls to avoid, and helpful strategies that successful alpha couples use to thrive together.

• Understanding Alpha Personalities in Relationships
• Common Challenges When Two Alpha Personalities Marry
  • Fighting about who is on top spells trouble in any family
  • For an alpha, giving up leads to feelings of depression
  • Anxiety emerges if decision-making freezes
  • Escape via distractions can offer a fourth alternative
• 5 Proven Strategies for Two Alpha Personalities in Marriage
  1. Zero talking or acting out in anger
  2. Discuss the issue calmly, starting by asking questions to gather information and then sharing your concerns
  3. Establish Clear Roles and Responsibilities Based on Strengths
  4. Schedule Regular Check-ins to Prevent Conflicts
  5. Use Win-Win Problem Solving
• Frequently Asked Questions
• The Takeaway

Understanding Alpha Personalities in Relationships

In the world of wild dogs, every pack has a pecking order, on the top of which reigns the alpha. A strong alpha enables the pack to function in harmony. In return, the alpha gets special perks: first access to food and to mating opportunities. Who wouldn’t want to be the alpha?!

Fighting establishes who is on top. The more physically powerful alpha rules the roost. The loser slinks off. Fighting is risky though; even the winner may suffer wounds.

Common Challenges When Two Alpha Personalities Marry

If the animal is a person and the troop is a family, the husband and wife may both aim to take the dominant alpha role. Both George and Julie, for instance, are alphas by temperament and capability. Both are effective leaders at work, both with upper management corporate positions. When these two male and female alpha personalities interact at home, they have five options. Four are of these are bad options:

• Fight: to win by domineering
• Fold: giving in and giving up like a slinking-off weaker dog
• Freeze: by ceasing to talk about their differences
• Flee: escaping the conflict physically or else via distractions: drugs or alcohol, watching TV sports, overeating, working 24/7, or continuously focusing on their computer.

Fighting about who is on top spells trouble in any family

Anger upsets everyone in earshot. Here’s how that picture would look in George and Julie’s family:

George wants to eat dinner at 6pm; his wife wants to eat at 7pm. George would grumble and growl about how dinner was not ready when he was. He might make nasty comments, complain and criticize his wife, or shout to bully Julie into doing what he wanted. 

Julie would other forms of fighting to get her way. She did not want to bicker with George or shout louder or make nastier comments than he could. Rather, she would fight via passive-aggressive inaction. That is, she would get back at George by winning with a strategy of not doing, ignoring what George wanted. Alternatively, when George would shout, rather than argue each point, she would wait, quietly seething, until she could deftly slide in a snide comment that wounded him to the core. 

For an alpha, giving in and giving up leads to depression

Feeling less powerful creates a loss of serotonin. This serotonin drop is experienced in both animals and people as depression. When the weaker partner caves in on the struggle to get what she or he wants, depression emerges.

Depression serves a purpose. Depression decreases motivation to fight. Staying clear of fights prevents the weaker party from engaging in fights that might produce emotional or physical injuries. They resign to thinking, “Better depression than to get wounded.”

Julie would ultimately triumph by wounding George with cutting contemptuous comments, George would then stomp out of the room, acting angry but experiencing an internal feeling of depressive collapse. 

At other times, it was Julie who gave up on what she wanted. Suffering depression sometimes felt safer than attempting to stand up against George’s angry outbursts.

Anxiety emerges if decision-making freezes

Neither partner may want to risk getting injured, but immobilization in the face of a conflict or dilemma is a recipe for on-going anxiety.

On major issues, for instance, whether to move to an in-town apartment that would enable George to have less commute time to work but feel less comfortable for Julie, neither spouse wanted to fight. To avoid arguments, they avoided the topic altogether. The price was a continual background feeling of tension.

Escape via distractions can offer a fourth alternative

George tried to drown out his anger by drinking alcohol. Drinking actually calmed him but also caused him to withdraw into himself, brooding. Julie then resented her husband’s lack of attention to her. When a man at work began to shower her with sunshine, smiling often at her and finding excuses for them to talk, Julie began to feel tempted to stray. Turning elsewhere to avoid problematic situations invites creation of even worse problems.

Related » How to Live with a Perfectionist Partner: Advice From Experts

5 Proven Strategies for Two Alpha Personalities in Marriage

The good news is that people, unlike animals, can talk. With calm information sharing, win-win solutions can emerge. But first, both the male and the female need to accept each other as alphas. There is no rule that states two alpha personalities cannot be together. So Julie and George can work in the long run; only prerequisite is a will to be together.

Here are the steps that make a difference.

1. Zero talking or acting out in anger

Anger draws attention to a challenging situation. The adrenaline surge prepares you to fight. Having alerted you to a problem though, anger then needs to be given a few moments to dissipate. Pausing and doing something that would be distracting and calming refreshes the emotional system. (Also read A spiritual solution for dealing with anger in marriage)

George experienced a sudden surge of anger when he returned home one day and saw a new car in their garage. He and his wife had always made big purchases together. How could Julie have bought a new car without talking to him?!

Tempted to rage at his wife, George took a few deep breaths, reminding himself that quiet talking was always more helpful than lashing out. When he entered the house, he took a few moments to wash his face and cool down, staying clear of ruminating about Julie and what she had done.

2. Discuss the issue calmly, starting by asking questions to gather information and then sharing your concerns

Information-gathering and solution-building only proceed effectively when the tone is calm, safe, and good-humored.

“Is that your new car in front of our house?” George later asked Julie, trying to stay calm.  “Where did you get it? Usually we make big financial decisions like a car purchase together.”

“Yes, George, I agree we always make big purchases together, and I like that. This car was no exception. I’ll explain. Remember my colleague Sarah, my best friend at work, who died suddenly in her sleep about a month ago? Sarah had no children. She left a very simple will, giving most of her money to a charity. But her new car, which I had admired, she left to me. Her lawyer brought it to me today. I’m so touched!”

“That was very kind of her,” George agreed, sighing with relief. 

3. Establish Clear Roles and Responsibilities Based on Strengths

Two alphas often clash when both try to control the same decisions. The solution is dividing leadership based on each partner’s strengths.

George excelled at financial planning while Julie had a gift for home design. Yet they constantly argued over both areas—George critiquing decorating choices, Julie questioning financial decisions.

Their breakthrough came during another paint color debate. “We’re both trying to control areas where the other person is actually stronger,” Julie realized. “What if we each led in our natural strengths?”

They agreed. George would handle major financial decisions while keeping Julie informed. Julie would manage home-related choices while considering budget impacts. Both retained input and veto power, but respected each other’s primary jurisdiction. This eliminated daily power struggles while letting both exercise their alpha nature productively. 

4. Schedule Regular Check-ins to Prevent Conflicts

Alpha personalities hate being blindsided by decisions. Regular planning prevents the surprise conflicts that trigger power struggles.

Julie learned this after “The Vacation Incident.” She found a great beach house deal and booked it as a surprise for George. When she announced their vacation was “all set,” George felt excluded from a major family decision. Even though he loved her choice, his alpha nature reacted to being left out of the process.

“I wish you had talked to me first,” George said calmly. “I love the place, but I feel like I didn’t get any say in our family vacation.”

Their solution was to have weekly 15-minute “check-ins” every Sunday evening. They would discuss upcoming decisions, plans either is considering, and potential conflicts. Now Julie says, “I’m looking into vacation options—found some great places. Want to look together tomorrow?” George feels included from the start, preventing reactive conflicts.

5. Use Win-Win Problem Solving

When conflict arises, alpha couples need structured approaches to find solutions honoring both partners’ needs. Unlike couples where one might defer, two alphas will fight unless they have collaborative methods.

George got promoted but faced a 90-minute commute. He wanted to move closer to work. Julie loved their neighborhood—her friendships, professional connections, and the kids’ schools. Initially, each argued their case: George emphasized family time gained, Julie stressed losing her support network. They were stuck.

Julie suggested trying collaborative problem-solving from her management training. First, they identified core needs. George needed less stress and more family time; Julie needed to maintain her network and kids’ stability.

Then they brainstormed options – moving, staying put, remote work, compromise locations, or George finding a closer job. The solution surprised them: George negotiated three remote days per week, commuting only twice weekly with overnight hotel stays.

Both felt heard, neither felt defeated. The key was focusing on underlying needs rather than preferred solutions.

Related » How to help a friend who is facing marital problems

Frequently Asked Questions

Can two alpha personalities have a successful relationship?

Yes, absolutely. Two alpha personalities can create exceptionally strong partnerships when they learn to channel their leadership traits collaboratively rather than competitively. The key is accepting each other as equals and developing systems for shared decision-making. Many successful couples are both alphas—they just need different strategies than traditional relationships.

How Can Two Alpha Personalities Work Together in Marriage?

Two alpha personalities can work together by using calm communication, establishing clear roles based on strengths, scheduling regular check-ins, and focusing on win-win solutions. The key is channeling competitive traits into collaboration rather than conflict.

What are the biggest challenges for dual alpha couples?

The main challenges include power struggles over decisions, difficulty compromising when both partners are used to leading, and the tendency to compete rather than collaborate. Alpha couples also face issues with anger management, as both partners may react strongly when they feel their authority is questioned. However, these challenges are manageable with the right communication approaches.

How do alpha females and alpha males work together in relationships?

Alpha females and males can complement each other beautifully by dividing leadership responsibilities based on their individual strengths rather than competing for the same territory. The key is mutual respect—both partners must acknowledge the other’s capabilities and avoid traditional gender role expectations that might limit either person’s natural leadership abilities.

What communication strategies work best for strong personalities?

The most effective approach is calm, information-gathering conversations rather than heated arguments. Start by asking questions to understand your partner’s perspective, then share your own concerns without attacking. Avoid making assumptions and give anger time to cool before discussing important issues. Regular check-ins also prevent surprise conflicts that trigger power struggles. (Also read The art of marital communication)

Do alpha couples fight more than other couples?

Not necessarily. While alpha couples may have more intense disagreements initially, they often resolve conflicts more efficiently once they develop good communication patterns. Their natural problem-solving abilities can actually lead to faster resolution of issues. The difference is that their conflicts tend to be more direct and focused on solutions rather than lingering resentments.

Should one alpha partner become more passive to make the relationship work?

No. Asking an alpha to suppress their natural traits typically leads to resentment and depression. Instead, both partners should remain true to their alpha nature while learning to collaborate effectively. The goal is channeling those leadership qualities toward building a stronger partnership, not diminishing either person’s natural strengths.

Related » Are You the Overdependent One in Your Marriage?

Summing Up

Successful dual alpha couples like George and Julie talk together collaboratively. Living happily ever after is never easy for any couple, but cooperation matters. By calming themselves, asking questions instead of interpreting or assuming, and listening to each other’s concerns when there is a decision to be made, two alphas can share their family’s leadership in a way that enables the entire family to thrive.

This is an updated version of the article; it was first published on 17^th September 2017.

Last updated on 25^th June 2025

The post Two Alphas in Marriage: How to Make It Work appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

• Introduction: What is codependency
• Top 10 signs of codependency in relationships
• Why we enter codependent relationships — Top 4 causes
• Interdependent Relationships — The secret to attracting healthy love
• Overcoming codependency – 4 methods to build an interdependent relationship with your partner

Introduction: What is codependency

We’re all addicts. Our drug of choice just differs. For some it’s alcohol or work, for others it’s gambling or sex—but in my decade of experience as a hypnotherapist—I’ve found that love is the most powerful of all addictions. It’s no surprise then, that the term codependency was coined by Alcoholics Anonymous in the 1950s to describe the partners of alcoholics as being “addicted to the addict.”

Codependency is an addiction to love. One that puts self-sacrifice above self-worth, and keeps partners trapped in one-sided, abusive and destructive relationships.

Let us unpack the common signs of codependency and explore the root causes so you can start to take the steps towards healthy, interdependent relationships rooted in self love.

Top 10 signs of codependency in relationships

Humans are hardwired for connection. The quality of these connections is a direct reflection of our own self-worth. This is exactly where codependency begins…

In relationships, codependency refers to a person who is dependent on someone else to define their sense of self-worth.

Below are the most common ways codependency shows up in our romantic relationships. However, you will probably find many of these patterns also carry over into our relationships at work, with friends and in everyday life.

1. Betraying yourself or your own needs in order to be accepted by your partner [i.e. neglecting self care, avoiding time with friends, etc.]
2. Engaging in harmful behaviour [emotionally, physically] to please your partner
3. Struggle setting boundaries and holding partners accountable
4. Excessive perfectionism and people pleasing behavior with your partner
5. Separation anxiety and constant fear of abandonment from your partner
6. Obsessive focus on your partner’s behaviour [i.e. snooping through phone, suspecting of cheating, etc.]
7. Overshare or overgive emotionally, financially, physically to your partner
8. Overly controlling or nagging of partner
9. Insecure and in need of reassurance, low self-esteem [i.e. constantly comparing, judgment, self-criticism]
10. Constantly feel the need to be in a relationships [quickly jump from one to the next, struggles being alone]

While codependency can manifest in different ways in adult life, the cause is often traced back to the same place—childhood.

Why we enter codependent relationships — Top 4 causes

The roots of codependency start in childhood, defined by our parents and early experiences. When you do not experience a stable, supportive and nurturing environment, you lack the ability to cultivate healthy self-love and self-esteem.

In turn, you seek another person to define your own sense of self. This creates an insecure attachment style that causes emotional addiction and self-abandonment—further perpetuating codependency.

The root cause

For those trapped in this toxic cycle, the root cause is often one of nature, nurture, or a mix of both:

1. Overprotective parents

These are typically people that say “I had the perfect childhood, I don’t get what’s wrong with me.” When this parenting happens, they remove too much risk or adversity from the child’s life in order to avoid rejection. There is often a lot of guilt and pressure put on the child to please the parents with the partners they choose – putting their desires second.

2. Under-protective parents

These codependents struggle the most with abandonment. They often describe themselves as “latch key kids” who had workaholics as parents. This causes the child to be overly independent and overly giving – carrying that into relationships which often put them in a position to be taken advantage of.

3. Childhood trauma/wounded inner-child

While these codependency wounds most often come from parenting—friends, peers, teachers, mentors also have a major impact. Whether you experienced emotional or physical abuse, bullying, rejection—they impress upon the subconscious mind, which forms until age 12—and these experiences ultimately shape our self-esteem and self-worth. They show up in adulthood as a wounded inner child – seeking approval and validation at the expense of their true desires and needs.

4. Genetics — Addicted or mentally ill parents

If you grew up with a parent suffering from addiction, you got a front row seat into codependency. The term was first created to describe the relationship between an addict and their drug. Research has found children raised by parents suffering from mental illness like anxiety, depression, NPD [narcissistic personality disorder], or BPD [borderline personality disorder] are at a greater risk of codependent relationships.

Interdependent relationships — The secret to attracting healthy love

The cure to codependency is interdependence.

Interdependence forms when partners recognise and value the bond they share while maintaining a positive sense of self within the dynamic. The complete opposite of codependency, partners encourage personal development, autonomy and growth as individuals. In healthy, interdependent relationships, partners do not rely on each other for feelings of self-worth. It’s a perfect balance, where the connection comes without compromise.

Below are some of the common signs of healthy, interdependent relationships:

• You both invest ample time in personal interests — do not feel guilt, shame or sacrifice when doing so
• You engage in healthy, two-sided communication that validates each other’s feelings
• You feel safe being honest and vulnerable with each other
• You find personal fulfillment through your own interests and accomplishments as well as the relationship.

If you seek more trust, freedom and individuality in your relationship, interdependency is the answer.

Overcoming codependency — 4 methods to build an interdependent relationship with your partner

Codependence says – “I need you. I can’t be without you. You make me better.”

Interdependence says – “I want you. We make a great team. You inspire me to be better.”

The path to independence starts when you commit to self-love.

4 methods to heal your relationship with yourself and attract a healthy partner

Consider any of the following four methods to heal the relationship with yourself and attract healthy, interdependent partners:

1. Explore inner child work to heal past trauma

Revisiting past childhood trauma or beliefs systems will help you understand the root cause of patterns you are recreating in adulthood. This work focuses on reprogramming the subconscious blocks keeping you tied to unhealthy relationship patterns and repairing your self esteem.

2. Clearly define your desires, values and non-negotiables with partners

Before you can commit to a partner, you need to commit to yourself as an individual. All too often, we feel unworthy of our desires or core needs and accept the bare minimum. Explore journaling or vision boarding to connect to your wants. What matters most to you? What are some of your core beliefs? What do you value? Be upfront with your needs and expectations.

3. Engage in healthy self talk and affirmations with yourself

The basis for interdependence is defined by the relationship you have with yourself. This requires daily nurturing and attention. Take as little as 20 minutes a day, just for you. Explore positive affirmations, meditation, mirror work. Write yourself a love letter, show yourself the love, worthiness and respect you want to receive from others.

4. Practice vulnerability with your partner

The key to an interdependent relationship is vulnerability—feeling you can turn to your partner for intimacy, support, and affection without the fear or control. Schedule regular check-in’s with your partner. Share your fears, discuss your hopes, ask for what you need, try something new together.

Conclusion

Our ability to attract healthy love is a direct reflection of our ability to love ourselves. Committing to a path of self-love is a process, and awareness is the first step. If you’re on the path to recovery from codependency my best advice is this: start small, take it slow and stay consistent.

The post Codependency vs. Interdependence: The Art of Healthy Relationships appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Well, yes. But self-care can do much more than that. Taking care of yourself doesn’t just make you feel good but it also can lead to better relationships with others.

A happy and successful relationship begins with self-care, even if you might not have thought about the connection between the two before. But how and why? Let’s look at four big reasons.

1. Self-care creates a space for you

It’s so important in any relationship to have space for yourself. All too often, especially when we’ve been in a relationship for a long time, we can lose our sense of self and forget what makes us individuals.

This doesn’t necessarily mean that your relationship is bad or unhealthy—sometimes, we just slip into these habits. We end up doing everything together; we have couple activities and couple goals and couple accomplishments.

And while it is amazing to be able to share your life with a person you love, it’s important that you still take some time for yourself and don’t lose your identity. If you’re constantly doing everything together, chances are that you’re probably compromising on some of the things you want.

Taking a step back and practising giving yourself some love and care creates a space for you—for your wants and needs. So, if you love reading, carve some time out in your evening to get comfy on the sofa with a good book while your other half watches the TV. If there’s a hobby that you adore like gardening or yoga but you’ve let it slide recently because you’ve both been caught up with social commitments, bring it back into your life. And don’t forget to make time for your friends and family—not just your “couple” friends!

2. Self-care = a happy you = a happy relationship

Learning to love yourself is so important for your own personal happiness.

We’re generally not taught by society to love ourselves. We learn from a very early age to look at ourselves harshly: magnifying our flaws, comparing ourselves to others, and slipping into negative self-talk all too easily. We’re our own worst critics.

Self-care can help you to learn to love yourself: it teaches you to treat yourself well, to nourish your body and mind with kindness and love. Part of this includes tending to your physical needs, like eating well, adding regular exercise into your routine, and getting enough sleep so that you feel rested and rejuvenated.

It also means tending to your emotional and mental health: doing things that bring you joy, spending time with people you love, and learning to be emotionally aware so that you can be kind to yourself when you need it.

When you learn to love yourself through practising self-care, it makes you a happier version of yourself. And when you’re a happy you, you’re going to enjoy a happier relationship.

3. Taking care of yourself makes you a better partner

As I said above, practising self-care helps to boost your general mood and support your mental health, making you feel happier and more balanced.

By looking after yourself and ensuring that you’re in a good headspace, you are giving yourself the emotional capacity and availability to provide support for your other half too.

If we’re feeling low, stressed or tense for whatever reason, it’s unlikely that we’re going to be able to support to a partner who is feeling the same—and that’s if we even notice. Sometimes we’re so wrapped up in our own problems that we miss what’s going on right in front of us.

When we’re struggling emotionally, we’ll probably snap and lash out instead, not having the emotional capacity, empathy or patience to be able to deal with another person’s problems. This can result in feeling distant from each other, arguing, and disconnection.

Self-care helps you to feel happier, rested and less stressed, which means you’re in a better position to provide emotional support to your partner if they need it. This is so important in a relationship: you need to be able to support each other equally. If one of you is doing most of the emotional heavy-lifting, then that’s going to take its toll on your relationship and your wellbeing.

4. Self-care stops resentment—on both sides

Giving up self-care when you’re in a relationship doesn’t make you a martyr or a better partner to your other half. If anything, it makes you more difficult to live with and be in a relationship with.

This may sound counter-intuitive—after all, we can sometimes associate self-care with selfishness—but it actually makes a lot of sense. Your significant other wants you to be happy, fun and fulfilled in your relationship.

Not taking care of your emotional and physical needs properly means that you’re probably not as happy as you could be. In fact, it will probably result in you being distracted, moody, irritable or stressed—which can be frustrating and upsetting to your partner.

Similarly, if you’re constantly doing things for other people (like your significant other) and never doing anything for yourself, there’s probably going to be some resentment building up. You might not realise it to start with, but you could easily end up feeling resentful and underappreciated by your partner.

Practising self-care and giving yourself enough love and attention will make you feel happier and more fulfilled—and these positive emotions will feed into your relationship.

Start with small steps today

A happy relationship begins with self-care, even if you might not have connected the two before. Looking after yourself and your personal needs will help you to be a better partner: giving you the emotional capacity to be there for your other half, and strengthening your relationship.

Don’t let it fall by the wayside; start taking small steps to add more self-care into your life and you’ll see the positive impact this will have on your relationship too.

The post Why self-care is the key to a happy relationship appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

You may also relate to other common struggles of people who feel insecure and overly dependent. They often have an underlying sense that they are inadequate, unworthy of love, and essentially flawed. They have strong fears of rejection and often feel jealous as they scan for evidence of their spouse finding someone better than them. Because they feel emotionally weak or oversensitive, they frequently become overwhelmed by emotion and look to their partner to help comfort them.

As an insecure person, you probably also have a sense that you need to earn your spouse’s acceptance and love. You might place your spouse on a pedestal and work overtime to meet their needs. Unfortunately, this reinforces your sense that you are below them, inherently unworthy of their love or appreciation—except as a reward for the things you do. It increases your self-doubt and motivates you to keep your opinions to yourself. As a result, you might rely very much on your spouse to make most decisions for you—from picking a restaurant to choosing the best career path for you.

It can be helpful to assess how your partner’s personal style affects your marriage. Your spouse may be basically secure and comfortable with looking for support from you. They are likely to be reassuring and encourage you to feel secure in the relationship. If this describes your marriage, choose to take in the positive and allow yourself to grow from the experience.

However, like many insecure people, you might have chosen a partner who tends to be highly self-sufficient and avoids vulnerable emotions in themselves and their spouse. These marriages are fraught with conflict. You might cry out for attention, only to have your spouse withdraw; prompting you to press for attention again, perpetuating a never-ending cycle of pursuit-withdrawal.

Though marital patterns related to insecurity and overdependence can become entrenched, the good news is that they can also be changed. The key is for you and your spouse to be willing to work on improving your relationship.

Nurture your own personal growth

You must be willing to challenge yourself to grow as a person. By nurturing a sense that you have value as you are—that you don’t have to overcome some basic inadequacy—you can begin to engage more fully in your marriage. You can share more of your thoughts, feelings and opinions. And you can feel free to explore your interests independent of your spouse.

You might grow through psychotherapy or through efforts at finding personal validation in work, pursued interests, and other personal relationships. You might also look into books, online resources and workshops to help nurture personal growth.

In the end, by strengthening your sense of self, you will become a different partner. This can lead to a stronger marriage. But be forewarned, if your partner prefers a more dependent partner, they may resist your change and your marriage may become turbulent. It might interest you to know that I’ve never worked with anyone in therapy who has regretted their growth, even when it resulted in this kind of difficulty.

Encourage personal growth in your spouse

If your spouse is secure and emotionally mature, they might simply need to be extra supportive and encouraging, letting you know without question that you are loved and respected. Then it’s up to you to take in that acceptance and love, allowing you to develop a strong, more independent sense of yourself.

However, if your spouse tends to avoid emotions, they may need to grow personally in order to fully value and appreciate you. You will probably need to express your needs strongly, prompting this kind of growth. You might even look to couples therapy for help to express yourself and to open your spouse to responding in a more positive, connected way to you.

Make your marriage a safe haven

It’s essential that you and your spouse feel that you are supportive of each other—that you feel safe in turning to each other for support during difficult times. Even when you disagree, you want to feel safe with, and loved by, each other. This kind of safe haven is created when you can consistently act in a way that communicates that you care about and respect one another. When people feel safe with each other, they also trust one another and feel freer to be fully themselves.

Make your marriage a secure base from which you can explore personal interests

For a marriage to be successful, both people need to pursue their individual interests and live life according to their values. When you live as less than a whole person—as you do when you ignore self-care and self-interest to attend to your spouse—you cannot connect in a fully intimate way because you aren’t fully there.

Asserting your thoughts, feelings and desires might feel very intimidating. You may fear being rejected or abandoned if you divert energy away from attending to your spouse; or if you express any differences of opinion. The reality is that when you have a spouse who truly loves and respects you, they want you to be fully yourself.

Be emotionally available for each other

To enjoy a happy marriage, both people need to truly be there for each other. You cannot have an intimate relationship if you don’t interact very much, or if you are simply clocking time and not really sharing from your heart. So, make sure that you and your spouse are warm and affectionate with each other, spend quality time together, and show each other genuine caring.

By doing all you can to nurture personal growth and feel your spouse’s support, you will find that you develop a stronger sense of self. You will be less fearful of rejection. And you will grow, becoming increasingly true to your genuine self. With time, you will have less of a need to depend on your spouse. And eventually, you will change from being dependent upon your spouse to having a relationship in which you are both interdependent. That is, you will feel that you and your spouse can act independently but also choose to rely or depend upon each other for support, encouragement, and maintaining a shared life. Once you reach this level of interdependent connection, you find happiness and fulfillment in yourself and in your marriage.

The post Are You the Overdependent One in Your Marriage? appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Here’s a simple story to illustrate:

“Sonia and Raj were introduced to each other for the first time by a mutual friend. Raj was a very quiet guy, while Sonia was an extrovert who loved to talk. At first both of them did not talk too openly. This was because they were not ready to trust the other. As their mutual friend orchestrated the conversation, Raj and Sonia found out that they both love to travel. An emotional connection was established due to the common love for travel. They started speaking about the subject and, through the conversation, they built familiarity and trust. By the end of the meeting, they exchanged phone numbers on the pretext of keeping each other updated about their adventures.”

This is a classic example of simple trust being built between two people.

Trust is like a burning candle on a windy night. When guarded, it can produce warmth & illuminate the path. If not treated tenderly, it could leave one in the dark.

Genuine trust is an act of faith. Trusting means we are confident that the one we trust can do no wrong, because we’re sure of their intentions and integrity. Trust is essential for every healthy and happy relationship.

But building trust in a relationship is not easy. It takes effort. It is like tending to a plant—one has to be patient.

Trust is created when both the partners are ready to risk their vulnerability. This is the risk of being hurt by the other, which is taken willingly. There are no shortcuts to building trust. It takes an investment of time and emotion to create a beautiful bond.

Trust creates an expectation that our significant other will act/react in a certain way to situations. When this expectation is not met, it leads to broken trust. Trust once broken is hard, if not impossible to mend. If both the partners are willing and desire to rebuild broken trust, then trust building exercises can help them achieve it.

Let’s look at a few trust building exercises for couples. If you’re short on time and need to skim through, skip to the infographic at the end of the article — it has all the information condensed into one image.

6 Trust Building Exercises For Couples

Emotional transparency

Understanding a partner’s feelings and emotions is essential for building trust. In the same way, making one’s feelings known to one’s partner plays a vital role to strengthen the bond. Being truthful about oneself helps both partners understand each other better. The prospect of being open and vulnerable always may be daunting. But it helps couples become more accepting of each other’s flaws and vulnerabilities, thus strengthening the bond.

Exercise

Sit down with each other. Create an ambience of comfort and openness. Laugh a bit. Start recounting the whole day and events of the day. Communicate all the feelings experienced throughout the day. Encourage your partner to do the same. Most importantly, stay open and non judgemental.

Eye Contact

Try to count the number of people you make constant eye contact with during a day. You could count them on one hand, right? A sign of deep trust and comfort with a person is the ability to make eye contact. If you observe young children, one can clearly see how they make a judgement of a person just by looking at the eyes.

The eyes help one see into the depths of a person. That said, when one can make constant eye contact with a partner, it shows deep trust between the couple.

Exercise

Every time you communicate with your partner, make sure to maintain a soft eye contact. Do not stare, keep it simple. If it feels uncomfortable, do not force yourself. Remember, trust builds over time.

Group Activities

An individual’s behaviour within a group is different as compared to a one-to-one interaction. This also applies to couples. When in groups, couples behave differently than how they act in private. It becomes essential that the couples can predict how their partners will act when in public. The below example will illustrate,

“Pooja and Raj, who have been together for a few months, decide to have a dinner date with their friends Rahul and Reena who have been married for a year. Post dinner, Pooja decides to feed a spoon of ice-cream to Raj from her own bowl. Raj, on the other hand, feels rather uncomfortable being fed by his wife and declines. Pooja’s face turns red as she decides to have the ice cream herself.”

A moment of discomfort was created as Pooja and Raj were unsure of each other’s behaviour. This shows a lack of trust and understanding between the couple.

Exercise

Participate in people events which both you and your partner enjoy. Events like food tasting, wine tasting, dance classes, parties etc. can be a good opportunity to develop trust. Make sure to be accommodating of your partner’s behaviour so that they are accommodating of yours. Learn to adjust and adapt.

Respect Space and Boundaries

The people in our life, whether spouse or parents or friends, are co-passengers on a journey. We consciously choose to travel with each other to make our journey more joyful. But we must remember, it’s “our” journey. As a couple, you may spend a lot of the journey together, but you also spend a part of the journey away from each other. Respecting this space is essential to build trust. Let your partner enjoy their time on their own. Maybe they like to watch a TV show alone, or watch a game of football with their office peers. Have boundaries and respect them. This helps to make the relationship sweeter and strengthen trust.

Exercise

This is perhaps the most important of all trust building exercises for couples. Encourage your partner to take up activities that they love. These needn’t be group activities. Many a times, we stop enjoying our hobbies after marriage or engaging in a relationship. Encourage your partner to take up any such activities which they previously enjoyed. At the same time, reflect to see how you have changed. Make it a point to have some alone time to rejuvenate your mind and body.

Be Truthful

The most important aspect of a successful relationship is a truthfulness. This is perhaps the most commonly spoken about trait but is also the hardest to live by. You and your partner may not always be ready to accept each other’s truths or ideas but the most successful relationships are based solely on truth and acceptance. Embracing truth will no doubt lead to temporary ups and downs but it makes and keeps a relationship strong.

Exercise

Every night, sit down with your partner and practice confessions. These need not always be negative or pertaining to apologies. It could even be a positive confession like ‘how you helped a poor boy today’ or ‘how you felt embarrassed when something happened’. Remember, no lie is innocent.

Practise Patience

Probably the most overlooked aspect of building trust between people is patience. Trust grows with time. It’s like a plant which needs to be tended to regularly, so that one day it blooms. It doesn’t happen overnight in any circumstance. There isn’t a prescribed duration to which one can set a timer. It is different for every person.

Exercise

Patience is not only a virtue for a successful relationship, but also for a successful life. You can practice patience by actually planting a seed in your garden and then nurture and co-grow it with your partner. Plant a seed of each of your favourite flowers and tend to them. You will see that as the plant blooms, so does the relationship.

Make sure to share this article with your loved one, because it takes two to tango! Together, both of you treat these six exercises like games that you will play with each other to help you lay a strong foundation of trust in your relationship.

The post 6 Trust Building Exercises For Couples [The definitive guide] appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Marriages don’t come with a warranty card but one way to increase the probability of a happy and successful one, is to discuss important issues before tying the knot. So gentlemen, before you pop the question to your beloved, and ladies, before you say “Yes”, there are a few pre-marital questions you should ask each other.

Pre-marital questions to ask your partner

How important is your family to you?

In India, it is said that “You don’t marry a man, you marry his family.” While this mindset is slowly changing, it is important to be clear about the extent of involvement family members will have in your marriage. Will you be living nuclear, with parents, or in a big joint family? If you are planning to live with the family, discuss space and boundary issues — what role parents (or in-laws) will play in your everyday life and will they have a say in decisions that you make as a couple. Women today wish to take responsibility of their ageing parents, so ask if your partner is on the same page as you about that.

What about children?

It is no longer okay to assume that when you get married, kids will definitely be on the cards. People have different priorities and want different things in life. So be honest and share your views about starting a family. Do you both want children? How many? Does either of you want to adopt kids? How long do you want to wait before starting a family? And what about childcare? While you may not discuss finer details, you need to share your general views to avoid rude shocks later.

Raising children is a complicated journey, and we can never predict 100 per cent what kind of parents we will be. Yet, talking about parenting values, discipline approaches and your expectations from yourself and your partner as a parent will help you immensely as a couple, and later, as parents.

What are your career goals?

How do you view your work? Is working just a source of income or is it a passion? Is success important to your identity? These are vital questions to ask. Again, career progression evolves over time, and you may want different things out of your career at a later point in time, but talking about these issues helps to know the core values of your partner and those (usually) do not change with time.

What about name change?

Your name is your identity, and today, many women prefer to retain their maiden surname (and name) rather than taking on a new identity post marriage. If your partner wants to keep her maiden name and surname, is that a problem with you? Talk to each other about this. Ask with the intention of listening and understanding your partner’s point of view!

What is your take on god, spirituality and religion?

Ask your partner: do you believe in God? This can become a very important in the later years. This is especially so if one person is a strong believer and the other isn’t. That is why you would do well to air your beliefs about God and divinity, talk about your relationship with God and how much time and effort you invest in your spiritual development. Spirituality and belief in God may not have anything to do with following organised religion. So ask about that too. One of you may be heavily into idol worship and rituals, while the other may be deeply spiritual but may not believe in visiting places of worship or lighting lamps. If this bothers you, it is best to talk about it before you tie the knot, so that you can take an informed decision. If you both belong to different religions, these questions become even more pertinent. There are important things to be discussed, pertaining to conversions, faith to be followed at home and what religion would you want your children to follow.

Who will manage the finances?

Nothing can seem more unromantic than discussions about finances. Yet, financial transparency is a major contributor toward building trust and stability in the marriage. How will you contribute toward household expenses? Will you continue to have independent bank accounts, or will you share joint accounts? What about investments? Whose name will they be on? What about life insurance? Discuss these matters.

What is your approach toward money?

Some of us are keen savers and believing in saving for a rainy day even if it means sacrificing some comforts today. Others believe in living life to the fullest, spending on things that may not be necessities, but give us joy. Some of us operate from an “abundance” framework, and believe in spending freely. Some of us come from a “scarcity” framework and are always afraid of falling short of money at some point in the future. This is not to say that partners cannot come from differing backgrounds, but knowing this at the outset will help you benchmark your expectations from your spouse with respect to spending. Some ways to know about spending habits and preferences is by asking about:

• Holidays and Travel
• Impulse Shopping V/s Planned Shopping
• Thoughts on savings and investments

Friendships after marriage

The young generation today believes in “Work Hard, Party Harder”. This applies to men and women equally. Yet, no matter which century we live in, marriage brings in responsibilities with it — again both for men and women. So friendships may take a backseat. This is something to discuss. You may feel quite resentful if you see your partner still socialising but you being unable to do so due to work and/or household responsibilities. If friendships, going out and socialising is important to you, talk about it, and figure out how you will make it work for both of you.

Whose responsibility is cooking, cleaning, and household chores?

During courtship, this may seem like a frivolous issue to discuss, but ask folks who are married and you will know that it is anything but. Not all women are ready to assume the role of the caretakers and not all men are happy to give them a hand. So keep your preconceived notions aside and ask your partner what are her/his views on this.

What about sexual compatibility?

Ah, this could be a tricky one. If you have been sexually active as a couple before marriage, you probably know what your sexual preferences are. But if you believe in waiting till you get married, how do you talk about sex? If you know each other well, you might find it easier to have a conversation about any sexual fantasies, any sexual experiences you may have had with other partners, any expectations or beliefs you have around sex. This may be an awkward conversation, especially if you don’t know each other very well. However, it will be worthwhile to bite the bullet and have this conversation. Many marriages crumble because of sexual incompatibility, lack of chemistry, or even having very different attitudes toward sex.

What are your non-negotiables?

Last but the most important question to ask is this — what are you not willing to compromise on and where is there no scope for adjustment? We all have certain things in life that we hold absolutely sacrosanct and would not be willing to negotiate on. Identifying these is crucial. If you clash on the non-negotiables, then you need to figure out how to take the relationship forward, or ask yourself if it’s better to part ways.

Some examples of non-negotiable clashes could be:

• For Rohan, living separately from his parents was is a big no. Being the only son and especially after his parents had struggled hard to give him a good life while growing up, he wanted to give it back to them and live with them. But for Richa, her personal space and privacy were supreme so she could not agree to stay with her in-laws.
• Prachi is an ambitious career woman who believes in being financially independent. She also does not like the idea of merging finances. Abhay, on the other hand, expects that after marriage, they are going to be one entity and there should be no mine or yours, but ours, and that includes money.

These could be potentially choppy waters, and navigating through them at the outset will result in a smooth sailing for life. Asking these pre-marital questions during your courtship could give you a peep into what your married life will be like. So without wasting any more time, get going with these discussions.

The post Before you say “I do”: Pre-marital questions to ask your partner appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Why is there anger in marriage?

Most people, both perpetrators and recipients, seem almost helpless in the face of anger and, having suffered for some time, either want relief from the caustic “feelings within” or from the results of expressed anger afflicting them. But one cannot remove something that is not understood. So, the first question to be asked is “What is anger?”

Anger is not just another emotion. It is a unique kind of emotion, because its first incarnation is as an instinctive reaction [though after its first appearance, it becomes an “invited” emotion]. Anger is not an innate part of one’s higher consciousness, because emotions are not innate—they are part of the cooperative system between the physical body and the ego-based mind. The purpose of anger is to protect the physical form from dangers.

When the mind becomes aware of something that suggests danger, it reacts, such reaction being instinctive. In other words, it is not a well thought out response, but an automatic one that is designed to shut off all thoughts and analysis, lest we are too slow to respond to the danger.

So, the first mental reaction to danger is “anger”. The mind perceives itself to be in danger when it does not get its way. So we can then say that anger is the instinctive reaction of the mind when it does not get its way.

The unregulated mind

The trouble arises when the mind, unregulated, continues to lower the thresholds of danger with each instance of perceived trouble. Because there is nobody controlling the mind, its automatic functions are not guided by human intelligence; the mind mechanically chooses for us what it considers dangerous. Because of their samskaras (values), some individuals have much lower thresholds than others while others have learned to “manage” their anger. Still others, through holy indifference or daya, have risen above their emotions. But know for certain: until we begin the arduous practice of managing our mind, our emotions will rule our lives, affecting not only ourselves but also those closest to us.

Necessity is the mother of invention, and pain is the prod to liberation. The mind, due to the innate drive to survive, is constantly reminding us that we are perfect in our wisdom—what a joke!

None of us are afraid to declare “I am not perfect”. Yet, in our day-to-day existence, we rarely admit to being wrong. Surely you can see this conundrum in your own life. Well, this defines the battle of battles within, between atman [consciousness] and maya [play of the world]. And we generally pay no heed to the signals, until we can no longer stand the “pain”. The pain caused by anger.

Steps to deal with anger in marriage

Whether you are a man or a woman, a loose cannon of anger, or guilt-ridden because of what you might have said or done due to anger, or if you are walking on eggshells because of your spouse’s anger, now you have had enough, and you are willing to do the work, to make the effort, to deal with anger. Good for you!

Now, that you understand that anger is a “force” which is not you, let’s see what you can do to control it, if you are the one who is the perpetrator. Alternately, if you are the “victim” of an angry spouse/partner, you have to know how to deal with them as well as your own anger.

If you follow these prescriptions, you will not have to fear anger ever again.

When anger arises within your mind it feels like everything has to give way to it. But that is only because you have not learned to disassociate from it, or see it objectively. Now, don’t get me wrong. This is simple, but it will not be easy, not in the beginning. But over time, your mind will bend to your will, and you will have more and more control. In order to get a good foothold, you should be hyper vigilant in the beginning of your efforts!

As soon as you feel it, stop the mind

Say to it, out loud if the situation allows (the subconscious mind is more impressionable to sound), “mind, stop, we are not in danger!” Be forceful, and do not allow the physical sensations to convince you that you “are” angry; you cannot be angry, you are atman (consciousness). Next, you can now decide whether you wish to go along with the “feelings” called anger, or turn the mind to a more positive view of what triggered you, and a more positive outward response.

Don’t think the feelings will simply disappear. Those feelings are purposeful to the animal body, and your mind has been reduced to an animal mind in this regard.

A human being has free will. You can choose, always. You can choose to ignore the sensations caused by anger. You can choose to observe the feelings as an intruder which is not you.

You do not have to manage the anger [it is stupid to try to redirect it; it will not be redirected into good]. But you have control over the actual energy that created the anger, and this is what you are redirecting by stopping the mind. This is where you have control, and should exercise it.

Some people who have struggled with rage for their whole lives have tried from time to time to control their fury, and have been foiled every time. While dealing with anger, the will is not strong enough. But those same people have had the will to stop themselves from going along with the anger. They have had enough willpower to step back and observe, allowing them the ability actually see how anger manipulates them and their lives.

The next step is to consider the possibilities

If you were a saint, how would you behave? Consider your ideas. If an idea is going to create a lovingly positive outcome, give it voice. Or, if the struggle continues in the mind then you need to back away from there and go someplace where you can concentrate on your mind, watching the inner triggers, hearing all the lame excuses for allowing the anger to manifest.

Your mind belongs to you. Unless you have damaged your willpower with drugs or alcohol, it is your free will that must rule your life.

Marriage is elegantly designed for happiness, and the phrase “marital bliss” is a reality. But you must do your part by feeding your spouse only love, and that is why we address anger in the case where your spouse is not in control of theirs.

Dealing with another’s ill-temper

If you are living with one who expresses their anger towards you, or your children, try the following.

In today’s world there is a lot of talk about standing up for yourself, and sometimes it is necessary to do so. But there is a fine line between standing up for yourself and being in someone’s face.

As an individual you have the ability to walk away from abuse, if only figuratively. That is the first step. If you are being abused, you can shift your mind to the role of the ultimate compassionate friend, who understands your spouse is himself being internally abused by anger.

Don’t show sympathy outwardly, because their mind will freak out, but feel sympathetic, and carefully allow their tantrum to dissipate, internally chanting, “I love you”, “I will remain your best friend” and so on. Very carefully avoid their triggers, and when they cool down again, act as if nothing happened.

This will take a great deal of strength on your part, but it works! You will have to deal with your own anger, your own sense of despair, or feelings of self-pity, and so forth. But so what? Is not life about growth? Is not life about discovering ultimate happiness? Is not life about learning how to love unconditionally?

The soul purpose of marriage is to learn to love unconditionally.

The post A spiritual solution for dealing with anger in marriage appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

But then my husband, a marvelously funny man, will peer, wide-eyed and blinking, into my face, cock his head like a parrot, and start singing a little song about me and the silly reason that I’m mad [usually to the tune of a popular song]. He’s so good it usually even rhymes. By the end I can’t help but smile, and my amusement has chased away my frustration. All is forgiven, and our evening rolls on.

In contrast, when my husband is upset about something, he tends to rant. Over the 20 years of our marriage I have learned that if I just listen to him and nod appreciatively, he’ll pick up steam, like a train chugging ever faster down a track, and eventually his rant will turn into a full-on stand-up comedy routine about his irritations—complete with embellishments and dramatic re-enactments. It’s hilarious. His recent tirade about his annoyances with my mother had me laughing so hard, I literally could not speak.

Of course, there are things about my husband that I sometimes wish were different, and I’m sure that he could provide you an exhaustive list of all the ways I disappoint him. But the fact that he is funny, and I am easily amused, has saved our marriage from the many things that could have sunk it.

Why Laugh About It?

All relationships have natural friction points. Differences between partner’s opinions, personalities, hopes and expectations all create hurt and frustration. This is true for every couple, even the happiest. Research into relationships conducted by Dr John Gottman of The Gottman Institute, Washington, estimates that up to 80 per cent of the problems that all couples have are due to these intrinsic differences. These are therefore “unsolvable problems” that are never going to change.

You may be surprised to learn that happy couples have just as many differences and circumstantial hardships as unhappy couples, yet they are thriving anyway. Why? One thing that happy couples often have that struggling couples don’t, is humor.

Going for a giggle in a tense moment sounds simplistic, but reaching for humor instead of anger, defensiveness or judgement during a friction point does four extremely important things to strengthen your relationship.

How Humor Promotes a Happy Marriage

1. Humor creates a “repair attempt”

The happiest, most successful couples are able to stop an argument in its tracks by attempting to repair the impending rift before it gets too wide. Reaching out to an angry, upset, or hurt partner in efforts to close the gap and restore peace [and then having that olive branch accepted] is a “repair attempt”. When the thunder and lightning of a bad fight are rumbling on the horizon and one partner is able to crack a joke that makes the other person smile, the sun peeks through the ominous clouds. Moods lift, the problem seems less serious, and it’s easier to reconnect.

2. Laughter breaks a negative mood state

Negative moods like anger, resentment or hurt tend to reinforce themselves and get stronger over time. When you are upset about something, you ruminate about it—turning it over and over in your mind, like a cow chewing her cud. The more you think about all the horrible ways in which your partner has disappointed or offended you, the worse you feel. But when someone throws a cold splash of unexpected humor into the face of self-righteous anger, it breaks the pattern. Getting knocked off keel by something funny shifts the trajectory of a bad mood, allowing positive feelings to flow back into an otherwise unhappy outcome.

3. Humor creates emotional safety

Nobody behaves well when they are feeling attacked, threatened or shut out. I guarantee you that when you aggressively confront your partner about something it will nearly always provoke them to feel offended and defensive. Likewise, if you coldly dismiss your partner’s complaints you are inviting them to get more angry and hostile. But responding with humor will nearly always get a more positive response. Why? It restores emotional safety. When you are funny, unexpected, and lighthearted, you are communicating, “I’m not really that mad. You’re safe with me.” Defensiveness is diffused, and aggressiveness wanes: Connection has been achieved. All of a sudden, whatever you are in conflict about seems more manageable and easier to deal with.

4. Humor emphasizes the positive aspects of your relationship

Some people are wary about being lighthearted with relationship problems that seem serious to them, saying, “But won’t it minimize my feelings?” Or, “But if we just joke about it, things will never change!” So they insist on grinding away at their differences, and becoming increasingly unhappy when things stay the same. Newsflash: You and your partner will always be different people. They will never change into exactly who and what you think they should be. Focusing on the negative aspects of your relationship will make those differences more pronounced and will change the emotional climate of your marriage for the worse.

Find reasons to laugh

In contrast, enjoying your partner’s company, having fun with them and appreciating the good things about them will help you have a better relationship. And the grand paradox is that when people feel safe, accepted and cherished for who they are, it is actually easier for them to change for the better. When you use humor to communicate to your partner that you enjoy them, they will be more eager to please you and less inclined to fight with you.

So the next time things get difficult between you and your partner, do something unexpected and funny. Crack a joke. Sing a silly song. Make a face. Emphasize the funny parts of your disagreement. Find reasons to laugh. Have a good time. And if the neighbors call the cops on you—blame me.

The post Humor: The Key to a Long and Happy Marriage appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

6 signs that tell you it is time to leave your partner

1. You do not feel loved by your partner

Your partner may claim to love you, but what is most important is that you feel loved. Pay attention to your feelings and what your body is telling you. Do you feel loved by your partner? Is he or she demonstrating love and affection for you? Marcy tells me that her partner says the words “I love you” but does not spend time with her, talk to her, or act interested in her life activities. She wants to feel warmth and empathy from him but doesn’t.

2. You feel that you are not valued for who you are as a person

Many people who grow up with narcissistic parents learn the wrong definition of love. They learn that love is about ‘What you can do for me’, or, ‘What I can do for you’. This is a set up for dependent and co-dependent relationships. Authentic love means emotionally tuning into your partner and cherishing who he or she is as a person. And it means having the ability to empathize with a partner’s feelings and provide nurturing. Bob reported to me that he only feels valued by his partner for the paycheck he brings home and the chores he accomplishes. His partner does not acknowledge who he is as an individual and what he brings to their relationship in terms of his personality traits, parenting skills and intellect. If, like Bob, you don’t feel valued in your relationship, maybe it’s time to end it.

3. He or she controls everything

Healthy relationships are reciprocal, requiring give and take from both partners. If your partner is controlling everything and you have no voice in the relationship, your connection is not a healthy one. For a relationship to flourish, both partners must feel seen and heard. Susan tells me she feels controlled and manipulated in her relationship and never gets to have a say in what is going on in the family. Her partner does not take her opinions or ideas seriously, and when she does feel brave enough to speak up, her partner puts her down. Consequently, Susan increasingly finds herself shutting down emotionally and giving up on having a participatory role in the relationship.

4. You see signs of emotional damage in your children

Children are harmed emotionally by high conflict in their parents’ marriage. Parents in a troubled marriage who are determined to stay together until the children grow up may not want to acknowledge the damage being done to their kids. In fact, splitting up may actually be better for children in cases like these. Research shows that the brain is capable of changing in response to experiences, so children witnessing high conflict can be adversely affected, if they are not helped. If help is provided, however, it is definitely possible for children to heal from traumatic family episodes. Breaking off a harmful relationship with your partner, and getting the proper help for your children, can be the best thing you can do for them—and you.

5. You have lost your sense of self in the relationship

Many clients tell me that after they got married they felt they had to give up their true selves to be loved by their partner. They find themselves focused on their partner’s wellbeing, constantly trying to make him or her happy, and eventually becoming mentally exhausted. In that process, their sense of self gets lost. Some clients also experience physical symptoms from the heavy burden of being their partner’s emotional caretaker. Jack shared with me: “I began to realize that if I stayed with her, I was going to die. I would end up with some kind of anxiety disorder, die of some stress disease or heart attack. I realized I was doing unsafe things like not wearing my seat belt and driving faster than I should at times. I think my spirit was dying.” If you have been feeling that you have lost your sense of self in the relationship, it is time for you to consider leaving your partner.

6. You or the children are being abused

This sign may seem like a no-brainer, but we have all witnessed those who remain in dangerous relationships that put partners and their children in harm’s way. Life is too short to live in an abusive relationship. Don’t let this happen to you or your kids. If you or the children are being abused, find help and guidance to figure out what to do. Reach out to the many organizations or support groups geared toward abused partners and their children.

The difficult decision of leaving your partner

If you are struggling with the difficult decision to leave your partner or stay in the relationship, it is wise to keep a private journal about your relationship. Record the events that are upsetting to you. Write down what happened and how you feel about it. Take a serious look at any psychological harm or abuse that you may be suffering in your relationship. Writing down when these actions occur, along with your feelings, will help you to acknowledge how frequently these things happen and to identify patterns of harmful behaviours. If you are tempted to forgive your partner and try again, keeping a journal will help you remember prior problems so that you can assess whether or not your partner’s treatment of you has changed.

Sometimes the final sign that it’s time to leave your partner and end a failing relationship comes unexpectedly. One of my clients received a Valentine’s Day card from her husband that was a turning point for her. The card with an oversized red heart proclaimed “Happy Valentine’s Day” on the front, and on the inside her spouse had written: “You need to love me more!” This was a clear-cut, six-word signal to my client: she should finally leave her self-involved partner and start a new life.

The post 6 signs that tell you it is time to leave your partner appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Asperger’s Syndrome [AS] is a mild form of autism. Considered to be a neurological condition, AS affects many successful adults in the IT, science, engineering, technology, finance, and even medical professions. Low-functioning children with autism often have a borderline or lower than average IQ and many lack verbal language. Higher-functioning adults are the reverse. Many of them have sophisticated vocabularies and IQs that are in the average to superior range. In fact, those with the more “invisible” brand of autism often thrive in academia and even become leaders in the fields of science, technology, finance, or engineering. But while their IQs are higher, their EQs are low. Their brains are uniquely configured to work with machines, data, facts and figures; however, they struggle to express their emotions or understand the feelings and needs of another person. While often successful at institutions such as IIT and MIT, they lack insight into how their behaviours and words affect those around them.

Take the case of Mitu, a woman married to Aman, a man with AS. Mitu came to see me for counselling because she was desperately lonely and unhappy in her relationship. Aman barely spoke to her other than to discuss their children’s homework and his parents’ ailments. And his interactions with their two children were confined to checking their daily homework. Mitu said that Aman had always been a loner and had no real friends to speak of. He also seemed overwhelmed by his job as a software engineer and wedged-out in front of the TV most nights, completely ignoring his family. Without conversation and physical or verbal affection from her husband, Mitu became deeply depressed. When she tried to speak to him about these issues, he would shut her down by telling her to “stop nagging and go see a psychologist” to find out why she was so unhappy!

Asperger’s Syndrome affects many successful adults in the IT, science, engineering, technology, finance, and even medical professions

Life can become very painful for spouses like Mitu. Prior to learning about AS, Mitu had mistakenly come to believe that it was all her fault. Over time, she became increasingly depressed and when she tried to confide in close friends or family members, they would say, “What are you talking about? Your husband is such a nice guy,” or the popular, “all men are like that!” Only Mitu knew that her experience of marriage was traumatising and unusual. She felt exhausted and was beginning to have health issues brought on by stress and the complete lack of emotional connection with her husband.

Obtaining a diagnosis

The big problem right now is that the majority of doctors or couples counsellors do not know about adults with AS. Most would dismiss a spouse in Mitu’s position if she tried to seek help by saying, “Are you sure it’s not just a personality clash?” Or, “Seems like you might need to work on your anger issues.” Even if they met someone like Aman, they wouldn’t see that something is different or odd about him because they might consider that he has a successful career or a “normal” demeanour. Adults with AS can be very well groomed, physically attractive, and verbally skilled. Even well-meaning professionals might not pick up on the more subtle signs of their social awkwardness and lack of emotionality. When the professionals don’t see how the wife could possibly struggle in a relationship with someone who presents himself so well, they may attribute the problem to the wife and assume that she is lacking in maturity.

Adults with Asperger’s Syndrome can be very well groomed, physically attractive, and verbally skilled

A diagnosis is best done by an Asperger-specialist who is experienced in identifying adult AS. In my work, I take a comprehensive written and verbal history of the individual. I speak with the wife about her experience in the marriage. I also conduct the diagnostic interview over a total of four sessions and observe how the person behaves and interacts with me during this time.

Reading about and understanding Asperger’s Syndrome

If you are in a situation similar to Mitu’s, and there aren’t any avenues of professional help locally, reading books and articles on AS and marriage can be the first step into really considering whether your husband has AS or not. Sometimes the husband is open to learning about the information that his wife gathers. He might even be relieved to learn that his brain is different and that he’s not a jerk. Alternately, some men resist the idea that they are lacking in EQ. No matter if your husband is open to hearing about AS or not, keep speaking to him about it when you feel like there is an opening. Individuals with AS can often come across as rude and intimidating with their sharp logic and biting tone; my advice would be to not give up. Patiently continue to read and even get counselling with an Asperger-specialist.

Taking care of yourself

If your spouse has Asperger’s Syndrome, it’s imperative that you take really good care of yourself and prioritise your health, otherwise you may be at risk of developing numerous mental and physical ailments. This is even more so if you’ve been blaming yourself for the challenges in the marriage and if you have no other emotional support in the form of family or friends. You can also become aware of how your own behaviours may add to the conflict in your relationship, and learn to change some of the ways in which you interact with your spouse.

Strategies for coping with your partner’s AS

Many individuals struggle with mental health issues in addition to numerous AS traits. If you realise that your spouse is struggling with anxiety, depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder [OCD], or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder [ADHD] in addition to AS, you may need to help her work with an AS-specialist around these issues.

If your spouse is extra sensitive to smells, sounds or touch, learning more about sensory sensitivities can be useful. Sensory sensitivities and a low EQ can often lead to physical intimacy issues, which need to be addressed.

Individuals with Asperger’s Syndrome can often come across as rude and intimidating with their sharp logic and biting tone

If your husband/wife with AS has difficulties picking up facial cues, vocal intonations, and body language, they might monopolise or struggle to initiate and hold conversations. You might feel frustrated, lonely and abandoned by their lack of reciprocity and communication. Therefore, you may have to deliberately schedule time for regular conversations and doing fun activities together. You may need to create calendars and schedules to help your spouse stay focused and organised as many individuals with AS struggle to manage and prioritise time, tasks and space.

Your spouse with AS may also have trouble understanding, predicting and responding to your thought-feeling state. He/she may unintentionally or intentionally make negative comments and do things that can come across as insensitive and hurtful to you. Expressing more compliments and positive observations instead of criticisms is something they can learn to do.

Asperger-Specific couples counselling

Couples often report to me that working with a counsellor who is unfamiliar with AS was unhelpful and, in some cases, even harmful. In general, it is important to invest in a couple’s counsellor who specialises in AS and has experience in working with couples since the dynamics of a conflict-ridden relationship requires not only a wise and compassionate approach, but also solutions to get you unstuck and moving forward. As an AS-specialist and couple’s counsellor, I teach both the spouses in the marriage about AS. I interpret their points of view and help them understand each other better. I also help them to implement practical strategies in their relationship. Without proper understanding and solutions, marriages where one partner might have AS can be painful and challenging, but many couples are able to improve their relationships by learning about AS and by finding the appropriate help.

A version of this article was first published in the February 2016 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

The post What to Do When Your Partner Has Asperger’s syndrome appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.