In this article I will take you through each of the four stages stage of forgiveness to help you start forgiving because, as you will see, it is so vital to your health, happiness and peace of mind.

The Four Stages of Forgiveness

1. Hurt

The first stage of forgiveness is hurt. Someone has wronged me, done something mean to me; someone has been unfair to me and I cannot forget it; I feel hurt. The hurt keeps on throbbing within me. It is here that we must remember that it is not I who feels hurt, but the ego.

A woman met a holy man and confessed that she had resentment in her heart against a prominent sister of the community. The holy man said to her, “Go to her immediately. Don’t try to justify or excuse yourself. Tell her that you have had an unkind thought about her. Be humble and ask for forgiveness.”

The woman said, “I can’t do that. I can’t forget the hurt she had inflicted on me.”

The woman was at the first stage – the stage of hurt. Those that are at this stage naturally hold grudges, not realizing that those who hold a grudge injure themselves more than the ones against whom the grudge is held.

Hatred and malice, like anger and worry, bring harm to the body, since they poison the blood. And they keep on increasing, for, “a grudge is the only thing that does not get better when it is nursed.”

2. Hate

Hurt leads to hate, which is the second stage. I cannot forget how much I have been hurt and so cannot send out thoughts of goodwill to my enemy. In some cases, I hate the person so much that I want him or her to suffer, as much as I am suffering.

Madam Chiang Kai-Shek hated the Japanese. Her mother was a pious woman who prayed often. Madam Chiang said to her, “Why don’t you pray to God that He may drown Japan in the waters of the ocean?”

Her mother, of course, said to her, “My child, how can I offer such an evil prayer?”

An artist once painted Hatred as an old man shriveled up, pale as death, clutching in his claws lighted torches and serpents, and cruelly tearing out his own heart with black, decayed teeth. Asked to explain the significance of the picture, the artist said, “Hatred is an old man because it is as ancient as mankind; pale because he who hates, torments himself and lives a tragic life; with claws because it is so unmerciful; with torches and serpents because it creates discord; and it tears out its heart because it is self-destructive.”

3. Healing

Hurt leads to hate. Then comes the third stage—healing. God’s grace descents on me and I begin to see the person who has hurt me in a new light. I begin to understand his or her difficulty. My memory is healed and I am free again.

A girl came to a holy man and said, “I know not why, but I am unable to sit in silence and pray or meditate. I feel restless. I used to be so happy.”

The holy man asked, “Why do you think is it so?”

The girl answered, “I think it has something to do with one whom, at one time, I regarded as a friend. But she was very cruel to me, and I said that I would never forgive her, never talk to her. I am sorry I said it, but since then there has been no peace in my heart. What shall I do?”

The holy man said, “It is better to break a bad vow than to keep it. Go to her and seek her forgiveness.”

The next morning, she went to her friend and confessed her uncharitable attitude and asked her forgiveness.

The one whose forgiveness was sought burst into tears. She said, “You have come to ask for forgiveness. It is I who should be asking for forgiveness, for I am ashamed of my wrong attitude.”

The two friends were reconciled.

4. Coming together

After healing comes the fourth stage of coming together. I am anxious to make friends with the person who hurt me; I invite him into my life. I share my love with him and we both move to a new and healed relationship.

Conclusion

Forgiveness isn’t reserved only for the saints and sages. It is not a feat of supernatural power. It is just about letting go of the hurtful past, once and for all. It is a way of moving on. Forgiveness asks you to see things differently, look at life from a new perspective. It is the realization that we cannot stay bitter and angry for the rest of our lives.

Forgiveness and love are really two sides of the same coin. And love, as you know, is the strongest force in the world.

The post Dada Vaswani Shares the Four Stages of Forgiveness appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

How silent prayer works

When we pray or meditate in silence, we will find that we establish a link with positive, healing forces, and feel a wonderful sense of relaxation. You establish a link with the intrinsic intelligence that flows through all life, which we call God and you even secrete hormones that make you live longer.

During silent prayer, the mind is filled with positive, beautiful thoughts which trigger beneficial hormones in the body. In silence, you find the treasures of hope, faith and optimism. Without these, no illness can be cured. If you could visualise your own wellbeing during your moments of silence, you will be well on your way towards becoming healthy and energetic. Experts call this “creative imaging” and it is one of the most underrated techniques in modern healthcare.

Silent prayer in practice

Author and retired surgeon Dr. Bernie Siegel encourages his patients to mull over the question: why do I need this disease? Once the patient recognises the dynamics of his own life situation, he can enter readily into the healing process, making it quicker and more effective.

Dr. Gerald Epstein, who passed away last year, was another physician who used “mental imaging” in the healing process rather effectively. Dr Epstein would prescribe exercises in imagery for his patients. For example, a patient with immunity disorder was asked to focus on white knights—which could symbolise our white blood cells—guarding a fortress and pushing out intruders and hostile warriors.

Are you throwing away the pebbles?

The practice of silence can enrich your life with a sense of the divine presence. I often narrate the story of the man who stood alone on the sea-shore, gazing absentmindedly at the pebbles strewn all around. In a listless and dull frame of mind, he began to pick up the pebbles one by one and threw them into the water. When all the pebbles had been tossed away and the last one was in his hand, he took a good look at it and realised with horror that it was a priceless pearl!

He had thrown away scores of pearls without even realising their value.

Each hour, each minute of the day is a pearl of priceless value. The time that you spend in silence is especially valuable for it can lead you to physical, emotional and spiritual wellbeing.

Enter the haven of silence

The constant stress and agitation of modern life creates an emotionally polluted environment. People often tell me that they are so stressed and tense that they long to run away from it all, fly to a quiet and beautiful place far away. Just as people who live in the cities turn to parks, woods, and green zones to refresh themselves, you too must make it a habit to enter the haven of silence regularly.

Communing with God—cultivating the presence of the divine intelligence in the still depths of silence—will not only refresh and rejuvenate you but also unleash the intrinsic healing powers of your body. The practice of silence can be like your personal jet which will enable you to reach those sublime spaces of your own soul!

The post Dada Vaswani Reveals the Healing Power of Silent Prayer appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

There are many things that cause stress to the body at a cellular level. Some of these triggers are:

• Eating with guilt
• Exercising too hard and too much
• Lack of sleep
• Improper nutrition
• Smoking and excessive alcohol
• Emotional turmoil
• Hatred
• Envy
• Anger

…the list goes on.

Take resentment, for instance. Did you know, something as small as the inability or unwillingness to forgive can cause immense stress to the body?

Some of this stress we don’t even feel as it slowly but surely eats into us, chewing away pieces of our being. Stress lowers and destroys our immune system, making our body vulnerable to infections and diseases. Weakened immunity is known to cause lethargy and fatigue, which leads to indigestion, bloating, acidity and a number of other ailments. Thus begins the cycle of popping pills, which ultimately triggers other health problems.

If we can identify our stress triggers and manage them with awareness, the whole game changes. Of course, we will always have some stress. Who doesn’t? But how we handle it can lead us to the road to great health.

Use gratitude to heal your life

Whether it’s a client with a life-threatening illness or someone who just wants to lose weight, 90 per cent of my job revolves around working with their minds. If there is any one tool that I swear by in the healing and counselling process, it is gratitude. This simple yet powerful phenomenon changes lives.

All religions preach the virtues of being thankful. Yet, in our hectic lives, we fail to find time for it. Gratitude is magical. Many books have been written on the subject of gratitude and the benefits it brings along. Most of us are relentlessly focussed on how fat we are, or how sick we are, or how much our knee or back hurts.

The cure is never in the pill—it’s in your mind

If you want to heal an illness, focus on everything else in your body that is working well and be thankful. In other words, take your attention off the disease and put it on everything that is working for you—you will begin to recover faster. Try it! Gratitude has no boundaries. It can be practised regardless of your domination, your beliefs, customs and traditions.

Life is full of positives, negatives and everything in between. By acknowledging your sadness, heartache, worries and fears with gratitude, you can flip on your positive switch and appreciate the good that you have.

The physical benefits of gratitude

Studies have shown that acts of thankfulness and appreciation

• Trigger more time exercising
• Lower blood pressure
• Decrease the perception of pain
• Improve sleep quality
• Encourage relaxation
• Lower depression symptoms
• Increase overall energy

In other words, by taking the time to show gratitude you improve your health, both mentally and physically, thus bettering the quality of your life as a whole.

Try this exercise

On a sheet of paper, list all the things that you are grateful for. Really feel what you pen down. If you are struggling to lose weight, be grateful that you have healthy legs to walk, run or work out with. If you have work stress, be grateful that you have a job or a business. If you have relationship stress, be thankful that you have people in your life who care about you. No matter what your situation, you can always find something to be thankful for. And that starts the process of healing. The cure is never in the pill—it’s in your mind.

Continue your efforts to eat clean, sleep well, and stay physically active, and then let your body do the rest. Whenever you find yourself stressed, worried and anxious, stop and count your blessings. Practising gratitude enriches your life and the lives of those around you. It also helps you focus on possibilities which, in turn, helps you achieve your goals in all spheres of life.

Gratitude is a simple route to get your life back on track, to gain back our positive focus and manifest your desires.

Most problems in life exist because we choose to focus on them. And we don’t just focus on the situation, but rather focus on the negative part of it. We get obsessed with our problem and close the door to the “big picture,” or the bright side of the equation. If you are consistently complaining about things, stop it now. This will automatically make you focus on the positives. Apply gratitude to your health and lifestyle and watch in awe as it transforms your whole life.

The post Struggling to lose weight? Try gratitude! appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

I often tell my friends that they must laugh at least thrice a day. Thrice in the morning before breakfast; thrice at noon before you take your lunch and thrice at night before dinner. Nine, hearty laughing sessions can really get you all the benefits of Dr. Laughter – and you can be happy and healthy.

The smile of true bliss does not depend on outer conditions. It is there within us. We do not have to acquire it; we have but to rediscover it.

How laughter healed Normal Cousins

The healing powers of laughter have been well-researched and documented by medical experts in the West. A case in point is that of the well-known American journalist, Norman Cousins. He took to heart quite literally, the saying, “Laughter is the best medicine.” He was afflicted by a painful and degenerative disease of the spine. Doctors put him on strong medication to relieve pain and inflammation – but offered little hope of recovery.

Cousins had been a medical journalist early in his career, and was aware of emerging evidence that pessimism and depression could reduce the body’s capacity to resist and fight disease. By the same token, he told himself, a positive attitude should increase resistance and even help to overcome disease.

Norman Cousins took a bold decision. With his doctor’s cooperation, he decided to stop most of his medication, restricting his intake to large doses of vitamin C.

Then he began a course of positive thinking – and lots of laughter. “Nothing is less funny than being flat on your back, with every bone in your spine and joints hurting,” he wrote later, in his bestselling book, Anatomy of an Illness. He asked for a movie projector and a small screen to be placed in his room, and he began to view every day, funny movies and comedy shows recorded from the TV. Apart from this, he requested his nurses to read to him humorous books. He tells us that tears of laughter actually have a different chemical composition from tears of sadness!

“I made the discovery that ten minutes of genuine belly laughter had an anesthetic effect and would give me at least two hours of pain-free sleep,” Cousins wrote in his book.

Doctors take note

Noting the marked improvement in his condition, the doctors decided to sample his blood sedimentation rate – a crucial measure of inflammation – before and after each laughter session. They found that it fell slightly after each session, and continued to fall as the laughter therapy progressed.

A few months later, Cousins decided to write about his unorthodox cure in the prestigious New England Journal of Medicine. His article raised a few eyebrows, certainly; but it made quite a few medical experts smile.

Try laughter therapy

Now, we know that Cousins was not an isolated case. Laughter therapy has become more and more popular, and laughter clubs have sprung all over the world. Research has proved that laughter not only reduces stress and ceases pain, but actually seems to alter the body’s stress-and-immunity chemistry. It has also proven to ease depression, improve heart health and even burn calories! Go ahead, incorporate laughter in your daily routine…and laugh away your illnesses.

The post Have you met Dr Laughter? appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Health and happiness are twin goals that mankind has always pursued. Many of us know that we must be healthy in order to be happy; but very few of us realise that we must strive to be happy in order to be healthy. Since the beginning of the 20^th century we have accepted what is known as psychosomatic unity of the human being. ‘Psyche’ means mind or soul; ‘soma’ means body. Thus, the psychosomatic concept tells us that we are not just bodies – but an entirety that includes body, mind and spirit, functioning in a symbiotic relationship in which a separation is impossible to make.

Don’t take good health for granted

The World Health Organisation [WHO] defines health as “a state of complete physical, mental and social wellbeing—and not merely the absence of disease and infirmity.” To this we must add, spiritual wellbeing—without which a feeling of ‘wellness’ is incomplete. The sad fact of the matter is that people take good health for granted. They don’t even think about their health until they are in danger of losing it—when illness and disease begin to threaten. Even then, they go to a doctor or a hospital, and think that this is all they have to do about it—in other words, they take no responsibility of their health. This reminds me of the words of the great comedian, Charlie Chaplin. He said: “When I fall sick, I go to the doctor. After all, the doctor has to live! The doctor writes out a prescription for me and I take it to the chemist–for the chemist too must live! The chemist gives me medicines–but I don’t take them, for I too must live!”

The time has come when doctors too realise that they must work on the principle of healing that is within each one of us

I must offer due apologies to doctors and chemists who are reading this. But I am sure they too will see the point of the joke–you are your own healer. The power of healing is within you. And the time has come when doctors too realise that they must work not on the disease and its symptoms–but on this principle of healing that is within each one of us. It was Dr. Johnson who said: “To preserve health is the moral and religious duty of us all—for health is the basis of all social virtues. We can no longer be useful when we are not well.”

Health is not just about adding years to your life

Longevity is not the primary goal of human life. We are told that life expectancy has increased in our times; and this is attributed to better health care and the advances made in medicine and allied sciences. But a longer life is not what all of us seek. A life of pain and disease and affliction can only be a miserable burden when it is prolonged. Thus we have the cases of incurable diseases, and people who are ‘clinically dead’ being put on life-support systems in the ICUs of hospitals. This is hardly the kind of treatment or ‘life’ that we aspire to. Take the case of a man who is not really ill. He may not suffer from any disease–but he may feel dull, lethargic and listless. He may be unhappy, and beset by negative emotions. Such a man is not really healthy.

True health and wellbeing encompasses man’s physical, mental, intellectual, and spiritual state. When there is harmony and integrity between all these states, one is in good health. This is the concept of holistic health that we need now.

The post Dada Vaswani explains the true meaning of wellness appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Managing significant losses in our life can be a full-time occupation for a period of time, and we need to give it our full attention. The following five stages are not linear but cyclic. The grief of a heartbreak comes in waves but, with good awareness and self-care, we can become more resilient, more caring and loving for the future, knowing that the pain will lessen.

Let’s look at the five stages that one goes through while dealing with a heartbreak:

5 Stages of Overcoming a Heartbreak

Stage one: Grieving

1. A heartbreak is a difficult experience, so allow yourself to cry (yes, even if you’re a man!); tears heal
2. Exercise and move your body. It shifts stuck energy and creates endorphins in the brain that make us feel better. Even gentle exercise brings oxygen to the brain that improves our ability to see things clearly. While it’s normal when sad to want to stay in bed and sleep all day, make an effort to get up and get out
3. Spend time with good friends who will hug you and feed you nourishing food. You might want to avoid being alone for a while
4. Communicate, talk it out, particularly with a therapist. You need someone who will really listen, and not interrupt or just wait to tell you their own experience of a heartbreak experience, or minimise it, offer sympathy that makes you feel worse, or false cheeriness as in “think of all the good things you’ve got!” Don’t expect friends to be your therapists.

Stage two: Reflection

1. Have you experienced many previous losses? Unresolved grief can accumulate and become more painful. If you’ve never experienced this level of pain before, some of these coping skills are needed.
2. Identifying disappointments will help to point to our unrealistic expectations. Were we deceived or did we deceive ourselves? Or both? Did we not see clearly who the other really was?
3. In retrospect, we can see what we may have not seen, or blinded ourselves to, and be wiser for the future.
4. Avoid the trap of beating yourself up. It’s not fair to blame yourself for not knowing then what you now know. Taking responsibility not to be deceived in the future, however, is essential, and it’s very different from blame.

Stage three: Managing loss

1. This involves taking responsibility for our own emotions. No one can make us feel anything without our (unconscious) agreement. We cannot change what has happened, but we can choose how we respond
2. Avoid negative coping styles such as drugs, alcohol, risky behaviour or chronic distractions. Plan activities that are nurturing and enjoyable instead
3. Take time off if you can. Avoid burying yourself in work to distract yourself. If you have to work and/or have commitments to care for others, make sure you also allow time out to let yourself feel, to work through the process
4. Go away, if only for a short time. Scenery that does not trigger painful memories is helpful to the healing process. If you can’t leave, maybe you could change your furniture around or repaint the walls. Create a difference in your living space, to lay down new memories and new feelings.
5. You might consider a change in appearance—a new haircut or a change in wardrobe. It’s remarkable how different we can feel when we have a new look.

Stage four: Healing

1. Work out what you need and find ways to give this to yourself
2. Whenever you feel resentment, it’s likely because there’s something you really don’t want. Give yourself the choice of not agreeing to what you don’t want to do. You’ll be pleased with yourself for looking after your “self”. Resolve to give what you want to give to others only from a full heart and with complete agreement instead of grudgingly. This might mean adjusting from the compliance of “always being nice” to being decisive and assertive, while still being polite
3. Practise being in the present. Save pondering the past for therapy sessions, and leave it there, while you get on with what needs to to be done in your life now. It’s important to realise that until past issues have been resolved, we can be frequently triggered by seemingly trivial situations in the present, and react in a way that’s out of proportion. It’s an indication that we need to look at what is really being triggered. For example, Jana’s fury at the lack of consideration shown by a work colleague preoccupied her for days. In therapy, she realised this incident had evoked her resentment of the lack of consideration and appreciation shown by her ex-partner, and before that, by her father. As a child she’d felt helpless when disregarded, particularly when she herself behaved considerately. Once this was put into perspective, Jana was able to see that as an adult she was able to communicate more assertively and effectively. This realisation changed her childhood conditioned habit of accepting others’ values when they imposed on her own, to valuing herself as an equal. Her next relationship was more reciprocal, and Jana was much happier with both herself and her new partner, as well as being more valued at work.

Stage five: A new relationship?

1. Make the list. It’s a sign the grieving process is over when we realise we’re looking to the future and a possible new relationship. However, to avoid old mistakes, make a list of all the qualities you want in your ideal mate in the first of three columns down a page. Examples include: ‘kind’; ‘emotionally available’; ‘monogamous’; ‘in touch with emotions and able to express them’; ‘good communicator’; ‘financially stable’; ‘a considerate lover’ and so on. Then, down the middle column of your page, rate yourself on a scale of 0–10 on each of these qualities. Be honest and fair. If in any of these qualities you rate yourself 7/10 or less, resolve that you need to work on yourself on these. The reason is we need to feel equal to our partner, and if they are, say, 10 on some quality while we rate ourselves as 4/10, we might not feel we deserve them, and might unconsciously sabotage the relationship. Give yourself some time to work on what you’d like to improve. Six months to a year is not an unreasonable amount of time for this. When a prospective new partner arrives, see how well you can tick off the boxes. Don’t accept anything less than a great match
2. Make sure you’re ready. A relationship on the rebound, when we’re still smarting, angry, needy or in pain, is not likely to last. Ask yourself: Can you be comfortably alone with yourself? Can you fill your time with activities that are restful, emotionally nourishing or mentally stimulating? If you answered yes, congratulations, you have overcome your heartbreak. You are now ready to bring far more acceptance and love to a relationship, and appreciate what your partner brings, too.

The post How to Overcome a Heartbreak and Start Living Again appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Yes, we all know everything about water. Haven’t we been learning about it since we were little kids in school? However, you’ll be surprised to find the number of people who have come to me with problems that stem from not drinking water.

Dehydration affects our body in many ways, all of them bad.

Are you making the same mistake like this teen?

In a very drastic case, I once had a 17-year-old boy who was chronically constipated, had hyperacidity, and acne. He said he couldn’t drink plain water, barely managed half a glass a day, but was very happy to report that his overall liquid consumption was very high. He proudly informed me that he was consuming three and half litres of liquid a day. When my eyebrows shot up, he clarified that he had two litres of some aerated drinks, four cups of tea and three to four cups of coffee, apart from the odd glass of wine. I tried my best to explain that when the body needs to be hydrated, the best liquid is water. The caffeine in coffee, tea, and the aerated drinks was actually dehydrating instead of hydrating his system. He refused to drink plain water, so I put him on a therapeutic decoction of mint, parsley, ginger, lime, and honey, all added to three litres of water. He loved the taste, saw the difference it made to his bowel movement, skin and general health, and now says he has been converted for life.

What your body goes through without water

Water is one of the most important things that a human body needs to survive. So much so that your body actually has a drought management system, which prevents dehydration and hence ensures your survival. Water makes up more than two-thirds of human body weight, and without it, we would die in three to four days. Dehydration is one of the most common causes of daytime fatigue.

Water makes up more than two-thirds of human body weight, and without it, we would die in three to four days

Water acts as a lubricant in digestion and almost all the other body processes that take place daily. It also lubricates our joints and cartilages resulting in fluid movement. When dehydrated, the body rations water away from the joints, which means greater friction and aches of joint, knee, and back, which leads to injuries and arthritis. Water helps our bodies remove toxins in many different ways like it flushes toxins and waste from the body through urination and perspiration, it also helps in reducing constipation and aids in bowel movements, which ensures that waste removal is done quickly and regularly lest it becomes poisonous. This waste build-up can occur in the body if dehydration becomes a regular occurrence and this can cause headaches, toxicity, and illness.

Water therapy or hydrotherapy is treating an ailment with any form of water. Hot water, cold water, steam or water imbued with the therapeutic goodness of herbs, spices, fruits, and even condiments. While detoxifying or fasting, it is essential to drink more water so that the body can be cleansed of all the toxins that have accumulated.

Therapeutic water: The DIY kit

Making your own therapeutic water at home is very easy. Just remember to use a clean glass bottle and if you are going to be travelling with it, please put the bottle in a jute or cloth bag… your wine bottle bags will come to good use now!

To make your own therapeutic water, go through the chart below to identity your health condition and to decide on the ingredients you will need. Then simply add the ingredients to a litre of water, and let them soak in the water for an hour before starting to drink the water.

My advice would be to make just one litre of the therapeutic water. Drink from mid-morning till 7 pm. Keep adding fresh water to the bottle as it comes to an end. This way you will also be able to keep a tab on how much water you have had throughout the day.

It’s surprisingly simple but it works! Consuming therapeutic water daily is like the rich chocolate icing on a super yummy cake. It will not only remind you of drinking water daily, but also keep you in top shape! Remember, without good health, all your work will go down the drain.

Don’t forget to store your therapeutic water in a clean glass bottle and carry it along everywhere you go.

Excerpted with permission from Kitchen Clinic by Charmaine D’souza published by Random House.

The post Learn how to make therapeutic water to heal yourself appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Of course, it was difficult for me. She didn’t hide her pain or zip it up safely inside for the sake of others, the way I was used to doing. Theresa was living in the centre of that hurt, anger and confusion. I don’t think I had ever let myself go that far. Sure, I’d been hurt, but I didn’t allow myself to be wounded. I may not have known it then, but Theresa was already so far ahead of me. She was going to be authentic no matter what the cost. “I’m not even transparent,” she tells me now. “I’m translucent. I can’t hide stuff.” But at the time, that was all I was good at.

Holding my friend in her time of pain

Sitting across from her, I felt like such an impostor. I hid the fact that I was scared, that I hadn’t yet experienced that typhoon of emotion, the life event that brings you to your knees. How was I supposed to help her if I hadn’t gone through it myself? So I just listened. I let her talk. I let her be silent. I stood witness to where she was at that moment. It was all I knew how to do.

But to Theresa, even my slapdash style of help meant the world to her. “Certain people don’t know how to negotiate pain. You held my pain in your hands like a slippery warm egg. I knew it wouldn’t break, not in your hands.” To hear those words now, I’m in awe of her. The level of trust that she brought to our friendship made me begin to trust myself. I was going to need it. My own storm was already on the horizon.

She didn’t hide her pain or zip it up safely inside for the sake of others, the way I was used to doing

I was his rock

It’s been about eight months since I’ve spoken with my nephew. He’s 16 now and has changed into someone who I don’t really recognise. Maybe all parents feel this way, but I wasn’t supposed to be his parent. I was supposed to be the fun aunt, who got to take him out for ramen and gyoza, and to films where people swear in different languages. But as time went by, I began to really care about that boy. Maybe because someone had to. His home life wasn’t ever stable after the divorce of his parents. He needed a rock, and I was it.

That’s probably why it hurts so much more now that he’s not in my life. Sometimes I wonder what I could have done differently? Other times, I’m angry with myself for opening up my heart, only to get hurt. There are even times when I catch myself reminiscing about his childhood. I see us laughing so hard, we’re rolling on the floor. I know this is the path he’s chosen, that the journey to being a man has some parts where you travel alone. But it’s hard to let go. It’s hard to be hurt.

I understood loss

Some time later, I truly understood what Theresa was feeling. I haven’t gone through a failed adoption, but I experienced someone, whom I had opened my whole heart to, walk right out of my life. I understood loss. I understood those feelings of confusion, anger and hurt. I knew what it was like to be brought to your knees. If Theresa had seen me during this time, she would have recognised the vacant look in my eyes, the taste of heartache in the air. But I didn’t let her in on my suffering. I wasn’t as brave as she was. Still, throughout this whole process, Theresa has been on my mind. I realise now that she’s the strongest person I know. And not just for surviving life’s trials but for allowing me to see that fragile part of herself, for trusting me with her tired heart, for accepting my vain attempts to try to make her feel better. Whether I like it or not, she’s been trying to do that for me now.

If Theresa had seen me during this time, she would have recognised the vacant look in my eyes, the taste of heartache in the air

You may ask, what’s the point of vulnerability?

You may want to save yourself all that hurt. Stay at home and eat cup-o-noodles for one. I guess I could look at things that way too. But I’ve lived enough life to know that the lesson isn’t always visible. The thing about vulnerability is that sometimes you will get hurt, and you’ll get hurt bad. I don’t want to deny that that’s not a possibility, having gone through my own private tour of hell. But the experience of being vulnerable, of holding your precious heart out to someone else, opened my world so much more than it would have been. If I hadn’t let my nephew into my heart, I wouldn’t see the world the way I do now. The colours are richer, the feelings are deeper and the tastes are more immediate. And wouldn’t you want to read something from a writer who has tasted despair and hurt, joy and elation with all of her being rather than someone holed up in the middle of nowhere, not living?

What being vulnerable taught Theresa

Theresa has said that the experience of that adoption journey has made her more grateful for the two beautiful children she was finally able to adopt. “I definitely appreciate my kids more. I appreciate the kids for their strength. We all fought to get to each other.” And while she’s still healing from losing her first adopted child, she acknowledges all the gifts she’s gained because of it. “My children, when they hear that story someday about the brother they have but don’t have will be able to appreciate vulnerability as a strength. If that story hadn’t happened, they wouldn’t have happened. I want my kids to value vulnerability.”

Vulnerability deepens the connection between two people. it makes your life richer

But she also acknowledges that vulnerability is a never-ending process. “Parenthood, it flays you open on a daily basis. Things you didn’t think would hurt you, do. When my daughter doesn’t want to kiss me good night, it hurts. But it’s birthing. I keep telling myself that we’re not done yet,” she says. And we will never be done. But with each encounter, we will love deeper and hope deeper. We will not be afraid to show our hearts. Isn’t that what it means to be human?

Vulnerability deepens the bond

When you’re vulnerable, it means you’re open. You’re allowing yourself to be yourself, to be authentic. In a relationship, this quality is non-negotiable. If you’re only going to hide behind your veneer, the other person will never truly get to know you with all your quirks and flaws. When we are vulnerable, it allows us to be receptive to love, and it gives the other person an opportunity to give love and practise compassion. Vulnerability deepens the connection between two people. And it makes your life richer.

The post Vulnerable folks live richer lives appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Therapy did help me resolve my personal battle but resolving the issues with children seemed to be an impossible task—until I attended my first Family Constellations session. The session shed light on the patterns in the family I was married into, which spanned over two generations. It also helped me understand my children and the family dynamics. My older child, who had chosen to stay with his father in another city, returned home. After struggling with depression for almost a year, he finally felt motivated and started taking positive steps to structure his life.

What is Family Constellation?

Family Constellation is a therapeutic method that originated from the methodology of systemic therapy. It looks at life as a whole rather than focussing on incidents in isolation, thereby giving an overview to family situations. This approach helps to gain insights into the deeper reasons for the issues that are addressed during the sessions such as why certain people are denied a place, or not spoken of; and why behavioural patterns persist, often unconsciously, from one generation to the next.

Bert Hellinger, the German psychotherapist who created both the Family Constellation and the Systemic Constellation methods of healing, calls this larger field the “Family Soul”. It serves as the basis for exploring and understanding our relationships as well as eventually designing solutions for unresolved issues.

Family Constellation looks at life as a whole rather than focussing on incidents in isolation, thereby giving an overview to family situations

The levels of healing in Family Constellation

In Hellinger’s words, Family Constellation is the external movement of a cosmic event, and is neither a craft nor a method. We can assume that everything that happens and has shown itself in a Constellation is always for the good of the seeker, even if the seeker has initially started with seeking resolution for a seemingly different issue. Just as there are no two identical people, there are no two identical Constellations—be it related to enterprises, relations, professional or private life, a disease, career choice or any other issue.

According to a leading practitioner of the methodology in Mumbai, Family Constellation has to be experienced to be understood, as it is a multidimensional therapy that works across generations and people. It pinpoints the core issue among the mesh of things happening in a person’s life. Every Constellation works for all three—the client, the other participants in the group and the facilitator, though the focus of the therapy is the client who brings up the issue. She adds that the sessions are not interpreted in depth, as it is best to leave it to the client to experience how the results of the therapy unfold in real life.

She further discusses a case where one of her clients ate compulsively to avoid getting into a relationship, because she had taken on the role of the ‘man’ in the house after her father’s death. The Constellation also revealed that the client used food to fill the void created by the lack of her mother’s love, which in turn was also the case with the mother herself. The Constellation re-established the order in the family and the client opened herself to love, thereby improving the relationship between the client and her mother drastically.

The biggest advantage of choosing Family Constellation as a modality for healing is that you don’t need the other person or people related to your issue to be present during the session. Most people resolve their issue in just a few sessions. Sometimes even one session is enough and hence it’s quick and very cost-effective. The resolution creates a ripple effect and thus brings about considerable shifts even in the other people related to one’s issue, given the fact that they do not actively participate in the process.

Most people resolve their issue in just a few sessions. Sometimes even one session is enough and hence it’s quick and very cost-effective

This therapy can be used in combination with counselling, though it is also extremely effective even if used as the only method. Family Constellation can help find solutions in conflicts or fateful events in relationships and a family, in cases where parents who separate want to make the right decisions for their children, when historical events and calamities have had an impact on a family, when someone is in a difficult relationship and wants to work at it or end it, and when someone is faced with difficulties in their work environment. In short, anyone who wishes to resolve his internal or external conflicts can greatly benefit from this therapeutic modality.

How and where does one attend a session?

A family constellation usually takes place in a one- or two-day workshop, with a group of people all undergoing the same process, or also as a private session. In a group workshop, the client chooses other participants to represent the people involved in his issue. Participants take turns to represent people involved in each other’s issues. The group is contracted to confidentiality and respect for all members.

Deeper issues may require more constellation, be it in group workshops or private sessions. Though a family constellation seems to be similar to a Psychodrama, it is completely different as it does not look at particular events in the client’s life to replay them; it simply looks at the energy in each of all the participating representatives with no sense of drama and very little information of the issue or the lives of the people concerned. In a session, the person with the issue seldom participates, so that he can observe the process, but more so because his involvement could influence the true flow of the Constellation.

So if there is a family constellation session happening in your city, try it as a participating representative and experience its effect on your life. I assure you that you will look forward to bringing up your own issues when attending the next one.

The post How Family Constellations can help you heal your life appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Though a menace when touched, stinging nettle has been used since ancient times as an alternative medicine for various ailments. It is believed that cooking, boiling or even drying inactivates the toxic venom and renders it safe for consumption. The young plants are also consumed in various parts of Europe and are known to be highly nutritious as they are rich in iron, calcium, magnesium, potassium, phenols and other naturally occurring antioxidants. Traditionally, different types of concoctions were made with the leaves, stem or roots and taken as tea or used as a tincture to treat urinary tract infections, joint problems or even seasonal allergies.

While handling the plant

Those who live in areas where stinging nettle grows and would like to harvest it, make sure to wear long sleeves and gloves or use tongs when handling these plants. Be warned that touching or accidentally brushing against the stinging nettle will cause a tingling sensation with pain and inflammation at the point of contact that can last for some time. This is due to the sting from the tiny hairs present on the plant that inject plant venom, believed by chemists to be a mixture of acetylcholine, histamine and serotonin. If you do get stung, you can wash the area with soap then take an over–the-counter anti-histamine tablet to reduce the severity of the sting. Or try natural methods like using mashed plantain leaves or a paste of baking powder in water.

If using as an ingredient in your kitchen

For culinary use, the young leaves and tender shoot should be harvested before it starts to flower, as naturopaths believe that the older plants are rich in oxalic acid which may cause kidney stones. Once plucked, they should be washed to remove any surface dirt or grime, pressure cooked [or boiled in water] first, then cut and put into dals and sabjis. You could also make a soup from it like any other green leafy vegetable. The iron content of the nettle is not readily absorbed by the body, but can be beneficial when eaten with a source of vitamin C like a dash of lime, an orange or a glass of lemonade. The Nepalese call stinging nettle as sishnu. Sishnu ko tarkari and shishnu soup are popular dishes in Nepal where it is sold in the local market along with other greens and vegetables. And that’s not all, there’s some exciting news for all wine connoisseurs as in Nepal it is even made into and sold as wine! In the West, people use the boiled leaves in a variety of dishes including salads, pizzas, soups, pastas and pestos.

When consuming it as pills or tea

If you aren’t lucky enough to get fresh nettle, you could buy it in the form of capsules, tablets, dried powders or tea bags, which are available online and in some health stores in India. It is mainly used as a medicinal herb in this form to treat various ailments from urinary tract infections, allergies, joint problems, skin problems, gout and kidney stones. Nettle tea can be made by boiling the dried nettle leaves in water, then straining and having as such or with some lemon, a few sprigs of mint and some honey. If you want a stronger concoction, simply boil a little longer. Large quantities can be made and refrigerated which can be used over three to four days.

Like most herbs, there are little or no scientific studies on the medicinal benefits of the plant and hence it is not widely used. Even the manufacturers of the commercial products in India tend to put out a statutory warning that the claims are not approved by the FDA [Food and Drug Administration in the United States]. Do make sure that your physician is aware of what you are taking.

Using it in your kitchen garden

Stinging nettle is also great as a fertiliser and can be used as green manure. A kind of bokashi mix [those familiar with gardening will know that it is a Japanese term for fermented organic matter which is used as a fertiliser] can be made by putting the leaves in a big bin of water and letting it rot for a week. The liquid then can be diluted and used to water the plants while the remaining solid waste can be used as compost matter.

This was first published in the December 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

The post Use stinging nettle for healing appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.