That money elicits strong emotions in us is a fact of life. That it shapes our behavior, including our short- and long-term goals, speaks of its overarching power. That it can monopolize our attention and control our thoughts suggests that our relationship with money is deeply psychological.

Just as money has a hold on our thoughts and behavior, a lack of it also exerts a strong influence on us. Thus, poverty can cause people to behave in seemingly irrational ways, especially to those who haven’t experienced severe deprivation. However, from the perspective of the needy, their actions do indeed make sense. So, development researchers, policy makers and planners need to view problems and policies through the lens of those they wish to help.

Scarcity Overpowers the Mind

Behavioural economists Senthil Mullainathan and Eldar Sharif describe an interesting study in their book, Scarcity: The True Cost of Not Having Enough, that they performed with farmers in India along with economist, Anandi Mani. Unlike paid laborers, farmers tend to get most of their income in one shot during harvest season. Small farmers tend to be flush with cash soon after harvest but are often indigent in the months leading up to harvest.

The authors picked sugar cane farmers because the crop is harvested year-round in some regions. Typically, sugar cane is harvested “during a four-to-five month-window.” As a result, different farmers in an area can be on different harvest cycles. The researchers administered tests of “executive control and fluid intelligence” on the same farmers, both when they were affluent and penurious.

Soon after harvest, when their pockets are full, farmers performed better on both the cognitive tests compared to when they were short on cash. Further, these farmers were not the most impoverished. Even before harvest, when they were strapped for funds, they did have enough to eat. In cases of more extreme poverty, this result is likely to be exacerbated.

The authors conclude that “poverty reduced fluid intelligence and executive control,” not because poor people lacked these capacities but because scarcity simply overpowers the mind. And this could be one reason why the needy indulge in what seems like ‘irrational’ behavior.

Related » 9 Ideas to Help You Change Your Relationship With Money

Poverty May Affect Decision-Making and Emotional States

In an article in Science, Johannes Haushofer and Ernst Fehr aver that poverty induces cognitive and affective stress in individuals, which, in turn, leads to myopic and compromised decision-making. This creates a “feedback loop” wherein poverty perpetuates itself. This does not imply that deficient decision-making skills is a trait of the poor; rather, anyone of us, under conditions of extreme stress that poverty imposes, are also likely to make similar, short-sighted choices.

Researchers have, in fact, found a link between poverty and the amount of cortisol, a biochemical marker of stress, in the body, observe Nobel laureates, Abhijit Banerji and Ester Duflo, in their book, Poor Economics: Rethinking Poverty & Ways to End It.

Interestingly, a study in Mexico revealed that when impoverished mothers receive aid, the cortisol levels of their children went down. A similar decrease in cortisol levels was not observed in a control group of children whose mothers weren’t part of the aid program.

In Harvard Magazine, Christy DeSmith reports that anxiety and depression is more common among children from low-income homes. Further, children in poor homes also exhibit smaller hippocampal volumes. The hippocampus is a brain structure involved in memory and learning and a smaller hippocampus usually portends lower academic achievement. However, DeSmith also describes new research by psychologist Katie McLaughlin and colleagues that indicates that children from poor families receiving aid show smaller disparities in both brain structure and mental health.

The Poor Tend to Spend on Hopes and Dreams

Author, Morgan Housel, writes in The Psychology of Money, that the poorest households in the United States spend $412 a year on lotto tickets. Compared to the highest earners, the low-income group spends four times as much on lottery tickets in a year. To many people who are comfortably off, this behavior of the penurious group seems irrational. Given that the poor households would struggle to quaff up $400 for an emergency, yet they fritter away the same amount on lottery tickets, where their chances of winning are so slim.

But before we dismiss their behavior as irresponsible, Housel exhorts us to view their situation from their perspective. Saving isn’t a possibility in their hand-to-mouth existence. Many things we take for granted, like nice vacations, new cars, health insurance, or homes in safe neighborhoods, are beyond their means. The only time they get to dream of these things is when a lottery ticket imbues them with hope. As Housel writes, they are “paying for a dream.”

In a similar vein, Banerji and Duflo also report on a seemingly illogical behavior pattern noticed among poor people. According to the authors, the poor spend as much money as well-to-do people on temporary ailments by visiting doctors. However, when it comes to chronic diseases, the needy seem to prefer consulting traditional healers who drive away evil spirits.

While this seems absurd from the perspective of a rational thinker, it makes perfect sense. Because they can’t afford treatments for chronic ailments, which are long-term and more expensive, poor people turn to the only source who may provide them with some succor. As Banerji and Duflo write, “When there is little else they can do, hope becomes essential.”

Another puzzling behavior exhibited by poor farmers in Kenya is their failure to use fertilizers. Though they understand that their yield will be more fruitful and profitable if they use fertilizers, many of them still don’t end up doing so, note Banerji and Duflo. The reason behind this conundrum is that when planting season arrives, farmers have depleted all the cash they have earned during harvest. And, when farmers are awash with cash, soon after harvest, the fertilizer shops don’t necessarily stock fertilizers till planting season.

Given their hand-to-mouth existence, some expenditure or the other eats away at their money between harvesting and planting seasons. When researchers understood the dilemma of the Kenyan farmers, they gave them the option of buying vouchers for fertilizers, right after harvest. This small intervention increased the percentage of farmers using fertilizers by around 50%.

Related » Unlearning and Relearning How Money Works

Conclusion

Thus, when development economists study poor and marginalized communities, it’s important to factor in psychological, social and cultural forces as well. When we see a beggar on the road, rather than being indifferent or dismissive, perhaps, we may remind ourselves that had circumstances been different, that person could have been us and we could have been them. After all, as Banerji and Duflo aptly put it, poverty is more than a lack of money — it can also erode the ability to realize one’s full potential as a human being.

The post Poverty Effect: The Psychology of Having Too Little appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

In their insightful book, Thanks for the Feedback, authors, Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen, argue that if we learn to receive feedback more graciously, we stand to benefit immensely. Of course, the feedback we receive may be unfair, biased, judgmental or plain wrong. But instead of reactively shutting out unflattering or disparaging feedback, we may glean nuggets that can aid us in our quest for self-improvement.

The art of receiving feedback

Like most messy things in life, feedback comes in various guises. While grades, performance appraisals, reviews and ratings are more formal, feedback may arrive as compliments, thank you notes, invitations or lack thereof, divorce papers or cold silence.

The reason Stone and Heen focus on feedback receivers as opposed to feedback givers is because the receivers ultimately decide what they do or don’t do with the feedback. No one, however powerful or authoritative, can shove feedback down you unless you are ready or willing to take it. If we want to better ourselves, we should be more open to receiving feedback from everyone, they recommend.

The manner in which we respond to feedback impacts our professional and personal selves. Explicitly asking for negative feedback is linked to better performance ratings at work. Likewise, marriages are more robust when partners are willing to be influenced by inputs from their partners. Fortunately, like most skills, our ability to respond to feedback can be honed.

Stone and Heen point out that feedback typically assumes one of three forms. While appreciation may be a form of thanks or praise, coaching provides tips on how to do something better. Evaluation, on the other hand, signifies where you stand relative to others.

But people—both, those giving and those receiving feedback—aren’t necessarily aware of these sub-types. And, often a mismatch between what the giver provides and what the receiver expects can create tension. Before dismissing feedback, the receiver needs to make a concerted effort to understand what the giver is trying to convey.

The authors posit that three types of triggers set off a cascade of emotions that impede our ability to assess feedback more objectively.

Three types of triggers

1. Truth trigger

A truth trigger concerns the content of the feedback, which you believe is neither true nor helpful. You typically feel irritated or affronted by these comments. To complicate matters, we all have blind spots or areas of weaknesses that we aren’t aware of. So, when we feel that the feedback we receive is outright wrong or inappropriate, it could well be that the giver is incorrect. But it could also be that the feedback maybe throwing a spotlight on our blind spots. Stone and Heen counsel us that even if 90% of the feedback may not be accurate, even 10% can give you pointers to improve yourself.

2. Relationship trigger

A relationship trigger, on the other hand, relates to the relationship between the giver and receiver. Any feedback by certain people can stir up a cauldron of negativity. How dare she even suggest that? Does he think I’m so dumb? But instead of getting enmeshed in these emotions, we should try to disassociate the feedback from both the giver and the concomitant feelings they arouse in us.

3. Identity trigger

An identity trigger occurs when feedback diminishes our sense of self. And, one of the best ways to fight this threat is to cultivate a “growth mindset,” a term coined by Stanford psychologist, Carol Dweck. Instead of believing that our identities are set in stone, if we hold a more fluid concept, wherein our identities morph and grow over time, we are less likely to bristle when someone seems to suggest that we alter a core aspect of ourselves.

Choosing to accept or disregard feedback

If we want to grow into our best possible selves, feedback from others, including those we don’t usually like or get along with, can provide us with useful tips. Before disregarding unpleasant feedback offhandedly, it might be a good idea to try to understand how the other person perceives us and be open to experimenting with suggestions that we may otherwise habitually dismiss.

After parsing the feedback without being entangled by emotions, we can then disregard parts that we feel are incorrect or are not meeting our current needs. Ultimately, it is up to us to draw our boundaries by deciding what aspects of the feedback we wish to use or discard.

The post The art of receiving feedback appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

But does childhood necessarily have to be such a mind-numbing and maddening rat-race? Not if you redefine what success means for your children.

In their book, Scarcity, behavioural economists, Senthil Mullainathan and Eldar Shafir chronicle the effects of scarcity on human behaviour. The authors define scarcity as “having less than you feel you need” and identify different forms of this malaise. From poverty to social isolation to a lack of time, scarcity assumes various guises.

Though we cannot equate feeling crunched for time with living on a paltry daily wage, the authors argue that “Scarcity captures the mind.” Thus, a lonely person craving company rues about all the connections he is missing. A person who is starving or even dieting cannot help but think of food. According to Mullainathan and Shafir, when we experience scarcity of any kind, we become absorbed by it.

Scarcity shapes our behaviour

Modern parenting has become a 24/7 occupation. Though both parents may be working, they ensure that their children’s time is accounted for, moment to moment. From dawn to dusk, children’s regimen is chalked out. Wake up, swimming coaching, school, music class, Hindi tuition, homework, sleep on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, the schedule includes online Math tuition, school, karate class, coding and homework. While kids may get some downtime on weekends, parents usually check in whether their wards are staying abreast of various school projects and tests.

Mullainathan and Shafir believe that scarcity also directs our attention. It impacts what we observe, the choices we make, the decisions we take and our behaviour. Besides confirming that kids follow their schedules, parents also have their radars tuned to the latest fads, lest their kids fall behind.

A few years ago, there was a rush for phonics classes for pre-schoolers. Kumon math held sway for a while. Now, coding classes attract younger and younger kids. Elitist hobbies like horse riding, surfing and ballet are being pursued by increasing droves of children, often stretching the purse strings of middle-class families.

A mind “preoccupied by scarcity” also has less bandwidth for other aspects of life, argue the authors and we end up neglecting other concerns.

What does “being preoccupied by scarcity” look like in the context of parenting?

As parents zero in on prepping children for the future workplace, they tend to fixate on tangible achievements and successes of their wards. They place a premium on cognitive or academic skills and extracurricular activities that can lead to stellar careers. But this focus on accomplishments that are valued by society doesn’t necessarily address all the needs of a child.

Human development entails growth in physical, social, emotional, linguistic, cognitive and spiritual domains. In today’s hi-tech world, we can possibly also add a digital dimension as children have to learn how to navigate a virtual world responsibly and sensibly.

When the child becomes his achievements

When kids are young, parents pay more attention to the different aspects of human growth and potential. They delight in their baby’s gurgles, applaud his first steps, take pride in her first word, gaze fondly as their little one charms people and are amazed at how adept their toddler is with an iPad.

But once children start school, the prism through which parents view their kids gets narrowed. Their appreciation of the whole child slowly but sadly gets reduced to the grades or marks the child brings home as scarcity imposes a “focus dividend” or tunneling. Further, the authors point out, the scarcity mindset operates at both conscious and subconscious levels. So, parents are not always aware of its grip on their child rearing choices. As they emphasise intellectual growth and extracurricular activities, parents pay less attention to other aspects of children’s development.

While this unidimensional focus may help children drum up achievements and accolades on their resumes, at times, it can lead to compromised growth in other areas. While the emotionally-attuned parent may pick up signs of apathy or burnout in their kids, many don’t spot the signals in their children, until they reach a clinical threshold. As parents have limited bandwidth, their capacities to respond to all the needs of growing children may get blunted.

How to redefine what success means for your children

If your wish to redefine what success means for your children, you must first break out of the scarcity mindset. To do that, you need to stop viewing children as human capital. Further, you need to reset and redefine your parenting goals.

In a blog of the website Psyche, philosopher Erin Cline advocates that we take a few leaves out of ancient Chinese philosophy to guide our parenting. First, she asks us to broaden our construct of success. As ancient Chinese philosophers emphasised, a “life well lived” entails being “happy, fulfilled and finding meaning in what [you] do and who [you] are.” Ancient Chinese traditions of Confucianism and Daoism both highlight human flourishing in moral rather than material terms. Cline exhorts parents to help children flourish by cultivating core human values.

So, once again, if your wish to redefine what success means for your children, start by introspecting. Instead of focusing only on your child’s future, ask yourself if all the myriad needs of your children are being met in the present?

You might ask yourself questions such as :

• Is my child happy with her day-to-day life?
• Is he forging bonds with people both in and out of the house?
• Is my daughter getting adequate physical activity?
• Is my son exhibiting kindness, compassion and patience?
• Is my daughter learning to navigate the pulls and tugs of the Net in a responsible manner?
• Is my child learning to respect and celebrate difference in others?
• Does my child enjoy learning for its own sake?
• Is my daughter developing a passion in any area that needs to be nurtured?

Cline also urges parents to “resist conformity.” Instead of feeling pressured to sign up for a Bharatanatyam class because everyone in your child’s class is doing it, try to observe your child as an individual with unique needs and talents.

As each child is different, we need to cater to their distinctive profiles and help them discover a path that resonates with their constellation of proclivities and affinities. Rather than being dictated by stringent social perceptions of power and prestige, we should encourage our children to find a route that is the best fit for them even if it means being “actively countercultural.”

The crux of the matter

Ultimately, our goal as parents is to raise concerned and considerate human beings. By letting go of our fixation on school marks, admission test scores, college rankings and future salaries of our children, we need to nurture children so that they find “joy, fulfilment and deeper meaning” in whatever career or vocation they choose to follow.

The post Redefine what success means for your children appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

How attachment style affects adult relationships

Basically, attachment impels us to seek psychological and physical support from our partners so that we feel safe. When our emotional needs are fulfilled by our partners, we become confident and more outward-looking.

Our attachment patterns also impact our physical health. A study conducted by psychiatrist Brian Baker, examined the influence of marital partners on people with mild blood pressure. Those who reported being in robust marriages benefited from spending time with their spouses, i.e., their blood pressure actually reduced. On the other hand, those in non-optimal marriages experienced an increase in blood pressure when their partners were present. Our partners also play a role in how we view ourselves, thereby heightening or undermining our sense of self-efficacy.

According to Levine and Heller, two dimensions underlie our attachments styles. The first relates to our “comfort with intimacy” or whether we avoid getting too close to our partner. The second dimension reflects our anxiety about our partner’s “love and attentiveness.”

A secure attachment style involves low anxiety and avoidance. Secure adults are comfortable with closeness and exude warmth and love. An anxious style entails a high degree of doubt and uncertainty regarding the relationship yet the person is comfortable with intimacy. Anxious people tend to require constant reassurance from their partners. An avoidant style, in contrast, implies that the person is uncomfortable with closeness but is not anxious about the relationship. Avoidant individuals prize their independence more than the relationship. The anxious-avoidant style includes high degrees of both anxiety and avoidance.

The vast majority of people fall under the secure group, about a quarter are avoidant and around 20 percent are anxious. A small subset, less than 5 percent, fall into the meld of anxious-avoidant.

What determines our attachment style

Adult attachment research suggests that, when it comes to relationships, we tend to behave in a “predetermined manner.” Our attachment patterns in adulthood stem from our genetic predispositions, childhood attachment patterns with our parents and our experiences in life, including past romantic relationships. Further, attachment patterns seem slightly mutable with one in four people shifting to a different style over a span of four-years, on average. Levine and Heller also assert that we shouldn’t necessarily view the anxious and avoidant styles as “pathological”, only different.

You may assess your own attachment pattern using the Experience in Close Relationship (ECR) questionnaire, that is available online here [takes just few mins to complete].

Researchers have observed that avoidants rarely pair up together, possibly because neither of them can create the emotional bond that holds two people together. People who are secure wish to be close to their partners. At the same time, they are not antsy about getting rejected and give each other sufficient space, both physical and psychological. They are neither clingy nor distant. However, sometimes, a secure person may be too forgiving of a partner’s misdemeanors and may even feel completely responsible for their “partner’s wellbeing.” If you are a generally secure person, but start doubting yourself or find yourself behaving in odd, mistrustful ways, chances are that you are enmeshed in an unhealthy relationship.

Those who are anxious don’t have issues with intimacy. However, they are overly sensitive to the tiniest of “perceived threats to this closeness”. They are highly emotional and tend to feel overwhelmed when this happens. As they are flooded with dread, they are unable to communicate their actual feelings to their partners and may behave in inexplicable ways, creating a lot of tension and drama.

If the partner of an insecure person is “sensitive and nurturing enough,” they may be able to quell their partner’s anxiety by reassuring them of being loved. Once the anxious person feels validated, their oversensitivity can actually be a bonus because they are attuned to their partner’s needs and moods.

If you are the one with an anxious attachment style, then you need to be aware that your emotional system tends to be hypervigilant and easily aroused. Instead of reacting to every slight, remind yourself that you tend to latch onto false and hasty assumptions while catastrophizing minor misdemeanors. Also, learn to assert yourself by stating your needs for connection and reassurance explicitly. Further, if you are anxious, you may avoid partnering with someone who has an avoidant style as those two styles tend to exacerbate the worst traits in the other.

Here’s what to do if you have an avoidant style

According to Levine and Heller, avoidants tend to view their partners as needy, especially if they are anxious. Additionally, they don’t necessarily acknowledge that they too have needs and insecurities. They also overemphasise the importance of self-reliance, not realising how deeply interconnected and dependent we all are as human beings. Unfortunately, avoidants are often not consciously aware of these thought patterns.

If you are an avoidant, building your self-awareness is the first step towards a warmer and more satisfying relationship. Instead of overstating the need for self-reliance, try to value mutual support. Notice and appreciate positives in your partner more often. Levine and Heller also note that avoidants, just like anxious individuals, grow more secure when they are paired with someone with a secure attachment style.

If you are paired with an avoidant partner, don’t hesitate to assert your need for closeness. If they pull back or make you feel extremely needy, when in fact you are not, consider seeking help from a couples counsellor or relationship expert.

Communication is the key

While two people with secure attachment styles are likely to have a harmonious relationship, research shows that “mixed” couples—i.e., wherein one partner is secure and the other insecure (either anxious or avoidant)—also fare just as well in terms of functioning and conflict resolution. Whatever your attachment style, all relationships benefit from effective communication, wherein both partners can express their authentic needs in respectful ways without feeling judged or belittled by the other. In a true partnership, both partners are sensitive and responsive to each other’s needs while allowing the other to “become the best person” he or she can be.

The post How your attachment style affects your relationships appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Though cliched, these statements do convey some hard truths about our visual faculty. However, as most of us take the act of seeing for granted, we don’t necessarily direct our attention to the range of possibilities that this sense can bestow on us. As most of us just look at the world, usually on autopilot, we often fail to realise, let alone maximise, the immense power of our visual capabilities.

Instead of simply looking at the world through banal eyes, what if we train our minds to focus our vision on the umpteen wonders that surround us? By thus changing our visual perspective, we can both broaden our experiences and deepen our sense of well-being.

How you look at things matters

In her deeply insightful and though-provoking book, How to Do Nothing: Resisting the Attention Economy, writer and artist, Jenny Odell claims that her viewing of paintings made her realise that what she sees is a function of how she looks and the duration of her looking. Likewise, she avers that the experience of bird-watching enhanced the “granularity of my perception,” both auditory and visual. As a result of her heightened perceptual powers, the ‘reality’ offered by the world expanded. At first, she began to notice more birds, and then more plants and trees, followed by different types of trees to the innumerable bugs that inhabited them.

Thus, our mental representation of the world is not just a function of what is out there, as most of us mistakenly believe, but by what we bring to the experience of experiencing.

SeeingHappy.org: A smorgasbord of positivity

The newly launched website SeeingHappy.org, the brainchild of Mandy Seligman, who happens to be the wife of acclaimed positive psychologist, Martin Seligman, is a testimony of how viewing the world through a positive lens [in this case, quite literally] can enhance creativity and wellbeing. Combining her twin interests of photography and positive psychology, Mandy Seligman created this platform so that people could share their positive moments while building a community that emphasises our shared humanity.

A firm believer in positive psychology’s uplifting potential and an ardent artist who appreciates the transformative power of art, Seligman marries both these passions in SeeingHappy.org.

Just a brief glance through the website shows that though happiness can come in various guises, a common language of positive emotion can pervade every corner of the globe. A yellow and orange tinged rose, a leathery frog nestled in foliage, two kids with cherubic smiles, a dazzling skyline, an Indian couple in wedding finery, a bowl of luscious berries.

These photographs serve as a smorgasbord of positive emotions be it hope, awe, joy, pride, conviviality, gratitude, serenity or love. In the instructional guide, Activities for Teaching Positive Psychology, psychologists, Jamie Kurtz and Sonja Lyubomirsky suggest that mindful photography, wherein students are encouraged to capture images of positive or meaningful moments, and subsequently discuss them with others can encourage savoring and promote well-being.

Train yourself to seek the brighter side

Given the ubiquity of cell phone cameras nowadays, many people click pictures almost by instinct. But instead of mindlessly snapping photos, if we train ourselves to look and seek out the many forms of positivity that engulf us even in the bleakest of times, we are actually training our minds to focus on and find meaning in both mundane and momentous moments. Further, by sharing these memories, we may help others cultivate the art of looking at the world with “wonder-waiting eyes” as the 18^th century poet Robert Southey eloquently phrases it.

The post SeeingHappy.org — a platform to share and spread happiness appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

What about you? How well do you know yourself? Before you give yourself a congratulatory pat, remember that self-awareness is a multi-faceted construct. According to Tasha Eurich, organisational psychologist and New York Times best-selling author, it involves understanding “who we are, how others see us, and how we fit into the world.” In fact, she argues that self-awareness is the “meta-skill” of our current times as it underlies many skills that are deemed essential for success in today’s world. From emotional intelligence to empathy to cooperation and communication, self-awareness lies at the root of these competencies. Further, self-awareness is linked to greater wellbeing and more robust relationships.

Self-awareness is a scarce attribute

Contradictory to what we might believe about ourselves, self-awareness is not as abundant as it should be. Though we may readily point to others who lack this skill, how often do we examine our own self-awareness?

Eurich holds that self-assessments regarding this quality are both limiting and often downright wrong. To gain a more holistic and robust view, she breaks down self-awareness into internal and external dimensions. Internal self-awareness refers to “an inward understanding” of yourself—your thoughts, feelings, passions, preferences, predilections, purpose, reactions etc. On the other hand, external self-awareness involves “knowing how other people see you.”

Those who are high in both aspects are aware of their inner world while being cognizant of how others perceive them. However, research suggests that people can be low on either or both dimensions, with barely no correlation between the two facets. But the good news is that both aspects of self-awareness can be cultivated. In fact, Eurich has a made a career of studying people who have made significant gains in their self-awareness. She refers to them as unicorns.

According to Eurich’s research, those who score well on both dimensions of self-awareness usually display seven characteristics, which she calls the “seven pillars of insight.” First, self-aware unicorns are clear about the values and principles that steer their lives. Values serve as guideposts for our actions and help us define ourselves in terms of what really matters to us. Self-aware people are also able to identify their passions, the things they would do even if they weren’t paid for it. They are also able to articulate their aspirations, or the vision they have for themselves regarding life experiences and accomplishments without necessarily succumbing to conventional views of “success“.

Spotting patterns in self and others

As contextual factors play a significant role in our experiences, self-aware people gauge whether their environment fits into the larger scheme they have envisioned for themselves. Do you more often feel energised or drained in your current setting? Self-aware people also try to understand patterns, be it in their thoughts, emotions or actions, and assess their reactions in various situations. Especially under duress, we tend to react impetuously instead of responding in more measured and mature ways. Finally, unicorns try to fathom the impact they have on others by attempting to view the world from the perspective of others.

According to Eurich, the seven pillars espouse both internal and external aspects. While our “values, passions, aspirations and fit” may benefit more from self-reflection, other people will probably be able to comment on our “patterns, reactions, and impact.” However, for all seven features of self-awareness, it is best if we “gain both an internal and external perspective.”

Self-awareness is an ongoing phenomenon

At times, when we are in toxic or hostile environments, external feedback may be biased against us. While we may seek information from both internal and external sources, ultimately, we need to evaluate the validity of these judgments, almost as if we are a third party. Sometimes, our understanding of ourselves can be out of sync with reality, while in other situations, other people may not be motivated by our best interests. Many of us have blind spots or weaknesses that we don’t wish to acknowledge even to ourselves.

Thus, self-awareness is a fairly complex dance wherein we need to balance cues from multiple channels. Finally, self-awareness is a continual journey, wherein we have to keep adjusting our internal compass while gauging external situations.

The post Self-awareness: Why is it important for success appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

In these bleak times, when the future seems grim and uncertain, we may stand to gain by cultivating “learned hopefulness”. Instead of falling prey to negativity and its concomitant emotions, we may nurture hope so that the present pandemic is not followed by an epidemic of psychological issues.

Making hope a habit

According to psychologist, Dan Tomasulo, we can intentionally promote our wellbeing by practising certain habits. In his book, Learned Hopefulness: The Power of Positivity to Overcome Depression, he provides seven strategies for enhancing our hope after surveying the psychological literature. As there is no unifying theory of hope, Tomasulo provides different tools to inject more hope into our lives.

He argues that people with high levels of hope believe they are in the driver’s seat of their lives, and are filled with zest to accomplish goals they have chalked out for themselves.  When they encounter obstacles, they exhibit resilience and resourcefulness by seeking out alternative paths. So, instead of waiting for hope to knock at your door, you can bring hope into your life, however stark and stormy it may seem in the moment. When you make hope a habit and don’t let yourself succumb to the doomsayer in your head, you have acquired learned hopefulness.

The 7 strategies of learned hopefulness

1. Look for possibilities

The first habit of hopefulness entails seeing possibilities even in the face of roadblocks. Instead of being stymied by setbacks, how can you maneuver around them? Develop what psychologist Carol Dweck calls a “growth mindset” wherein you believe that abilities, talents, skills, habits and personalities are not set in stone but amenable to change. Whereas a fixed mindset compels you to dwell on deficiencies and limitations, a growth mindset impels you to focus on possibilities and progress. Failure is not the end of the road but a reminder that you may have to course correct.

2. Focus on your blessings

Next, Tomasulo coaxes you to look out for “beauty, benefits, and blessings.” Cultivating a habit of gratitude can help you notice flecks of light even in the dimmest of days. Though the times are tough right now, list three things you can be thankful for. Most people admit that the pandemic has made them realise how much we used to take for granted before Covid catapulted our lives. Inculcate gratitude into your daily or weekly routine so that you appreciate all that is going right for you.

The post The 7 strategies of learned hopefulness appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Jason doesn’t particularly feel enthused at large cocktail parties, yet drags himself to one almost every Friday at his wife’s behest. “I can’t keep doing this,” he bemoans to himself. Every now and then, he voices his disgruntlement to his wife, who either ignores him or gives him an earful for being socially inept. As she doesn’t like going alone, Jason typically acquiesces, but a malaise within him festers.

Like Minal and Jason, many of us suppress facets of ourselves due to externals pressures, be it a job or a spouse. Stephen Joseph, professor and psychologist, spells out the importance of cultivating authenticity in his book, Authentic: How to be yourself and why it matters. Being authentic, he says, involves living your life in accordance with your own values, beliefs, inclinations and aspirations. It’s a continual process rather than a destination, wherein you need to know, own and be yourself “from moment to moment,” says Joseph. If what you “do, think and feel” are in sync more often than not, then you are paving the path for an authentic life. How we choose to spend our everyday moments is what authenticity is all about.

Our Choices Reflect Our Authenticity

If our fundamental psychological needs are fulfilled, then people naturally aspire to be the best or idealised version of themselves. Life is full of choices and decisions, from the mundane to the momentous. It is these choices, both the trivial and the significant, that reflect our authenticity.

Joseph cites the work of Carl Rogers, one of the leading figures of a humanistic approach to psychology, who believed that authenticity entails being in control of one’s life as opposed to being controlled. So, by and large, do you make choices that are in line with the person you think you are or aspire to be? Are you able to express your views and feelings with the people you are closest to without feeling belittled or threatened?

Don’t get this wrong. Authenticity does not imply that you care only about yourself and disregard the opinions and feelings of others. But when you make compromises, you do so without feeling diminished. When you do give in to others, you are in control of your decision as opposed to feeling coerced by them.

Authentic people also take ownership of their mistakes. But instead of ruminating over their missteps, they move forward by learning from them, and may even reframe their goals if required.

Knowing the Self Is Key to Being Authentic

To lead an authentic life, we really have to know ourselves at a deep level. Instead of blindly obeying the nonstop mental commentary that plays out in our heads, Joseph exhorts us to connect with “our own inner voice of wisdom.” We are all imbued with our “own unique set of potentials” within us. The late American psychologist Abraham Maslow put forth a theory of human motivation based on a hierarchy of needs. People who attain self-actualisation —the topmost rung of his pyramid—use their talents and abilities for tasks they are “best fitted for.” Healthy development involves getting to know and using our unique constellation of strengths in constructive ways.

Further, as humans have an innate need for affiliation with others, our authenticity, or lack thereof, is also a function of the quality of our relationships, especially our closest connections. If we feel accepted and loved unconditionally for who we are, we are more likely to thrive. In contrast, if we feel hemmed in by family members or bosses or by social strictures, we are unlikely to fulfil our potential.

People who are “alienated from themselves” are often confused about who they are and what their emotions are signalling. As a result, they tend to do what pleases others or try to meet societal standards without necessarily cultivating their own internal compass. We need to be able to listen to and understand our contradictory thoughts, complex feelings and gut instincts.

Being Authentic Brings Greater Happiness

If you are being inauthentic most of the time, wherein your words and actions don’t reflect the person you feel you are or capable of being, then you are likely to experience “inner psychological tension,” which can be insidious in the long-run. Many psychological problems also stem from people living lives that don’t resonate with their true selves.

Research reveals that happier people score higher on authenticity than their more sullen peers. Joseph points out that being authentic doesn’t necessarily protect you from the vagaries of life, but by anchoring you with meaning and purpose, it helps you deal with setbacks and misfortune with greater equilibrium. He cites the research of an Australian nurse Bronnie Ware who found that patients on their deathbeds most often regretted not having lived “a life true to oneself.” Don’t let that be you.

The post Why Being Authentic Is the Key to Happiness appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

In his sensitive book Together, Vivek Murthy, who has been nominated to be the Surgeon General in the United States by President Biden, underscores the importance of kindness in fostering human connection. He describes a programme that was conducted across schools in Anaheim, California. Christened A Million Acts of Kindness, this programme, championed by the Mayor Tom Tait, involved schools actively promoting acts of kindness amongst students. As a result of children extending kindness to one another, both bullying and school suspensions plummeted.

Want to make a meaningful difference? Try kindness

Murthy outlines another programme that was spearheaded by a high school teacher following a horrific school shooting in Charlotte, North Carolina. Knowing that it was just impossible to go on with business as usual after the devastating event, Justin Parameter instituted the Undercover Agents of Kindness programme at his school. Parameter first put the names of all his students in a bowl and had pupils randomly draw a chit. The assignment that he gave students was to carry out a kind act towards the person whose name they had drawn and then write a report describing the experience.

So, students who hadn’t necessarily known one another well, went about making their lives easier. One student bought ice cream and stayed in the classroom with an injured student instead of going out to play. Another student gave his peer a stress ball because he noticed that his friend used to vent his frustrations in inappropriate ways. As a result of this programme, which gradually grew very popular, students started noticing and taking interest in each other’s lives and strove to make a meaningful difference. Murthy reports that this programme has mushroomed in other cities across the United States and the world.

Being kind is hazardous to loneliness

In a school in South Florida, another compassionate programme was initiated by a student, Denis Estimon and his peers. When he joined a new school, he noticed that not only he, but a subset of other children as well, seemed lonely and ate lunch by themselves. Teaming up with three classmates, Denis and his band would go around the school during lunch time and invite children who were sitting alone to join the We Dine Together group.

As kindness is infectious, this programme too spread its wings to fifteen other schools within a year and has taken root in other countries as well. Denis, who has subsequently graduated from high school, was so enthused by the success of his programme that he now runs a movement to champion inclusion in schools all over the world. He shared a poignant anecdote with Murthy that advertises the power of kindness. A mother of a boy with Asperger’s syndrome thanked Denis, her eyes brimming with tears, because her son had friends for the first time in his life, thanks to Denis’ brainchild.

To be happier, try a little more kindness

In her insightful book The How of Happiness psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky describes how acts of kindness can enhance the happiness and wellbeing, not only of the receiver, but of the giver as well. In one experiment, participants were asked to consciously perform everyday acts of kindness like holding the door open for somebody, sending flowers to a friend, visiting a sick relative etc. for a period of six weeks. The first group was asked to do five acts of kindness spread randomly across the week. The second group was asked to perform five acts in a single day per week. At the end of every week, the researchers obtained data from the participants that described their well-intentioned acts.

To the researchers’ surprise, only the second group that performed five kind acts on a single day per week exhibited a considerable increase in their happiness levels. Lyubomirsky speculates that this might be due to the fact that most of us routinely perform small acts of kindness every now and then. However, to experience a significant fillip to our happiness, the acts need to stand out. In other words, we need to do more than what we typically do.

Make acts of kindness salient and poignant, not tedious or routine

In another study, Lyubomirsky and her colleagues measure the happiness levels of participants one month after the intervention was conducted. Participants who performed a variety of kind acts showed greater gains in happiness than those who performed the same good deeds repeatedly. For kindness, as a practice, to make a dent in your wellbeing, the acts need to salient, meaningful and poignant rather than routine or tedious. Further, Lyubomirsky reminds us that the kind acts need to be done voluntarily for you to feel better about yourself.

As being kind positively impacts both the giver and receiver, we may consciously strive to include more kindness into our days. While vaccines may help us fight the pandemic, injecting kindness into our lives may help us heal more holistically.

The post Looking for happiness? Try a little more kindness appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

When hardship abounds, so does despair. Fortunately, humankind is also capable of experiencing another emotion when faced with adversity that can be cathartic for all concerned—compassion.

Compassion is natural in humans

Compassion, according to Emma Seppala, Science Director of the Centre for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education at Stanford University, entails an “emotional response when perceiving suffering” and “an authentic desire to help”.  Though we may be disheartened by global news coverage of our fractious and fragmented world, researchers posit that compassion is innate in animals and humans.

While our species can be callous, contemptuous and cruel, we also harbour a “natural tendency” towards compassion that has contributed to our survival, argues Seppala in a Psychology Today article.

In an experiment, conducted by Elizabeth Dunn and colleagues, participants were given a fixed amount of money. Half were instructed to spend it on themselves, while the other half were asked to spend it on others. Researchers then measured the happiness levels of all the participants. Contrary to what we might expect, the researchers found that people who spent money on others were more content than those who indulged themselves. Seppala argues that compassion benefits us at multiple levels.

Multiple benefits of compassion

Physiologically, people whose happiness stems from having a sense of purpose in life have low levels of cellular inflammation. In contrast, people who derive happiness from hedonistic pursuits exhibit high inflammation levels. Thus, purpose rather than pleasure seems to be conducive to our physical health. Further, lives imbued with purpose or meaning are more often other-directed as opposed to self-directed. Rather than viewing the world through a self-obsessed lens, a feature linked to many psychological problems like depression and anxiety, focussing our attention on others and their problems can widen our perspective.

Additionally, compassion also enhances our longevity, possibly by mitigating our stress levels. Seppala cites a study by Michal Poulin that found that stress is linked to mortality for most people. However, for “those who helped others,” the stress levels did not “predict mortality.”  Apparently, being of service to others nourishes the self.

How to cultivate compassion in times of adversity

In these bleak and uncertain times, are there things you can do to cultivate compassion? Indeed, there are! Let’s discuss a few ways you can cultivate compassion:

Meaningful contributions

In a blog post on PositivePsychology.com, psychologist Heather Lonczak suggests that we engage in acts of altruism. Though most of us may be home-bound, consider ways you can harness your skills and talents to make meaningful contributions, however small.

If you are adept at sewing, you can make masks that can be distributed to needy people.  Or, perhaps you can conduct pro-bono online cooking classes for kids to keep them engaged and occupied while their harried parents catch up on chores or work.

You may reach out to elderly family members to check if you can shop for them. Or consider making a donation to help migrant labourers who have lost their jobs.  In fact, there are opportunities aplenty at this time for you to tap into your altruistic spirit.

Avoiding judgement

Lonczak also exhorts us to avoid judging people through a negative lens. Often, we don’t fully understand the context behind a person’s compunctions. Though we may disapprove of another person’s actions in a particular situation, know that we can’t entirely predict our own reactions to the very same predicament. Instead of harping on the differences between you and the rest, trying to find similarities or areas of common ground can promote compassion.

Being grateful

Being grateful for all that is going well in your life can also make you more compassionate towards those who aren’t as fortunate. Engaging in meditation, specifically the Buddhist practice emphasizing loving-kindness, can increase the ambit of your compassion. And, most importantly, don’t forget to exercise self-compassion.

The key is to practising self-love

Often, we are harshest towards ourselves, especially when it comes to personal failings and inadequacies. But if you wish to cultivate compassion, you need to begin with yourself: stop berating and criticizing yourself. Psychologist Kristen Neff, who has studied self-compassion in depth, identifies three components on the website self-compassion.org:

1. Avoid beating yourself up

First, when we fall short, we may deny our imperfections or judge ourselves harshly. Neff exhorts us to recognise our flaws without disparaging ourselves. Treat yourself with kindness and understanding, just as you would treat a friend.

2. Accept pain as an inevitability

Second, when you suffer, know that pain is part and parcel of the human experience.  Acknowledging your common humanity with others will make you feel less alone during trying periods. Even if those around you seem better off, remind yourself that almost everyone is hit by the vicissitudes of life and your pain too shall pass.

3. Practise mindfulness

Finally, cultivate mindfulness so that you can view your thoughts and feelings from an observer’s point of view without getting unduly mired in them.

Let’s cultivate compassion and make our world richer

If we thus hone our ability to exercise compassion, the world will definitely be richer for it.  While we hope that Covid-19 is curtailed sooner than later, the pandemic has given us a chance to plumb the reservoirs of human compassion.

The post How to cultivate compassion in times of adversity appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.