As I read through the names and the correspondence, I felt a strange sadness, a dull, familiar ache, the kind you feel when you realize you’ve been taken for a ride, even though you should have known better.

When Role Models Disappoint: The Epstein Files

A Personal Reckoning

In December 2022, I spent a day at a seminar conducted by Deepak Chopra in India and had the chance to interact with him closely before, during, and after the sessions. In those moments, he came across as gentle and polished, though somewhat detached. He was courteous, but not especially warm. I’ll admit I was never an ardent follower of his approach to spirituality and wellness; it often felt a bit too market-driven for my taste. Even so, I respected what he had built and the influence he had, despite the criticism that frequently surrounded him.

Now, three years later, newly released emails suggest a disturbing facet of Dr. Chopra. In his 70s, he was writing about young girls in ways that made my skin crawl. In those emails he is objectifying them, expressing enjoyment of their company in contexts unrelated to spiritual pursuits or wellness, and at times encouraging behavior that seemed at odds with the persona he publicly presented.

It’s distressing enough for me to consider that the spiritual awareness, wellness advocacy, and gentle wisdom he projected might have been just a persona, something carefully sustained over decades while a very different reality may have existed behind closed doors (and on private islands). Even more troubling, though, is that he reportedly maintained a years-long association with a known and convicted pedophile.

Disappointment Galore

There are other names, too, in the latest batch, which left me disheartened.

Dr. Peter Attia, who had cultivated a no-nonsense, science-driven approach to health and longevity, turned out to harbor thoughts that revealed a mind far less disciplined than his public image suggested. I have read his book Outlive, and have heard many of his podcasts and interviews about the latest science around how to increase not just our lifespans but “healthspans”.

Noam Chomsky, who advised Epstein on how to navigate “the horrible way he was being treated in the press and public”. This was in February 2019, 11 years after Epstein had pleaded guilty to pedophilia and illegal solicitation from a minor. I had always looked up to Chomsky for his incredible clarity and intellect, and these latest revelations saddened me.

Bill Gates continues to maintain he showed poor judgment in associating with Epstein for years but insists there was no wrongdoing beyond a few dinner meetings. The emails suggest that the relationship went deeper than business discussions, though Gates denies any illegal or immoral activity. This, despite Melinda, his now ex-wife, publicly declaring that she was never happy with Bill Gates’s association with Epstein.

The files contain many more names and interactions that have shaken public trust. Many, including Chopra and Attia, have put out posts expressing regret for their associations while maintaining they never indulged in wrongdoing, only kept bad company. Perhaps that is true, perhaps not. What matters is this: we believed in the image they projected, and that image has cracked beyond repair.

An Old Pattern, A Recurring Lesson

As I ponder on all this, I am reminded of articles I’ve written on this theme over the years. The first was back in 2007, when I argued that we should admire but not imitate our heroes. Even then, I was intuitively aware of the dangers of hero worship, though I couldn’t have imagined how prescient that warning would become. Years later, when Lance Armstrong confessed to doping, I revisited the theme in another article. Back then, the cancer survivor and seven-time Tour de France winner admitted to Oprah Winfrey that his “mythic, perfect story” was built on deceit. He’d cheated throughout most of his cycling career and bullied those who tried to expose the truth. An Australian library even announced that it would move his books to the fiction section.

I wrote then about how we elevate our role models to positions of infallibility, only to feel devastated when they prove otherwise. I argued that a role model merely plays a role—that of being an igniter of the spark within us. That we give them power because what they stand for resonates in us. And that we ought to remember not to blindly imitate them, because it’s one thing to derive inspiration from someone and quite another to make them accountable for our values.

I still believe that premise. But I also think I was a tad too generous.

Why the Powerful Disappoint

There’s a psychological phenomenon called the Halo Effect, first identified by psychologist Edward Thorndike in 1920. It describes our tendency to let one positive trait color our perception of someone’s entire character. If a person is accomplished in one domain, we automatically assume they possess wisdom, integrity, and moral clarity across all domains.

This is why we trust wellness gurus to guide not just our diets but our values. Or assume tech billionaires who’ve built successful companies must also understand ethics, relationships and the greater good. Or believe that people who speak beautifully about consciousness and enlightenment must embody those qualities in their private lives. Celebrity worship and the psychology of the Halo Effect feed off each other.

The Halo Effect can make you intellectually lazy. You stop asking questions. You grant exceptions easily. When small inconsistencies appear, you explain them away because the overall glow is too bright to let a few shadows matter.

Understanding these psychological mechanisms, from the halo effect to celebrity worship syndrome, can help us recognize when we’re sliding from healthy admiration into dangerous dependency

What makes all this worse is that the powerful know this. They understand that once they’ve established authority in one arena, they can leverage it everywhere else. A doctor who’s respected for his medical expertise can sell you supplements, life advice, and a worldview. And you’ll buy all three because the halo extends that far. A spiritual teacher who’s mastered the language of mindfulness can use that same vocabulary to justify behavior that contradicts every principle he preaches.

Power also does something to people. Research on power and morality shows that as individuals gain influence, many become less empathetic, more likely to break rules, and more convinced that normal standards don’t apply to them. They begin to see themselves as exceptions. The rules they advocate for others become obstacles they’re entitled to bypass.

Related reading » Does Power Really Corrupt?

The High Cost of Trusting Uncritically

When I read Chopra’s emails, my first reaction wasn’t anger but sadness—and perhaps a little embarrassment. I’d met this man; I’d listened to him speak about consciousness and wellbeing; I’d quoted him in my articles; I’d given him a measure of respect, even if I didn’t fully embrace his teachings. And, believe it or not, I once defended him in a war of words with a troll on Twitter (Now X). So, while I didn’t worship him, I’d still operated under the assumption that his public and private selves were broadly aligned. How wrong I was!

The bigger blunder, though, is the one our culture makes collectively: we build industries around individual personalities. We don’t just consume their work, we consume them. We buy their books, attend their seminars, follow them on social media, adopt their routines, quote their wisdom, and gradually, almost imperceptibly, we start to delegate our own moral reasoning to them.

It’s OK to admire someone’s work; the danger lies in outsourcing our values to them. It’s reasonable to learn from someone’s expertise; the trouble is that we often unwittingly allow this to command our uncritical trust.

How to Avoid the Pitfalls of Hero Worship

So how do we move forward? How do we learn from our role models without making ourselves vulnerable to their inevitable failures? As I mentioned earlier, I’ve been dwelling over, and writing about, these questions for over two decades. Here’s what I’ve learned…

Separate the idea from the person. If someone teaches you a useful concept, that concept doesn’t become invalid because the teacher turned out to be flawed. Mathematics doesn’t stop working because a mathematician behaved badly. A meditation technique doesn’t lose its effectiveness because the guru who taught it was a hypocrite. We must take what’s useful and leave the person behind.

Assume everyone is performing. Public figures construct personas. They emphasize certain traits and hide others because that’s how you build a brand. Our job isn’t to see through every performance, but to remember that we’re watching one. Let’s never confuse the performance for the whole person.

Diversify your sources of wisdom and inspiration. If we draw all our inspiration from one guru, one author, one thought leader, we make ourselves fragile. When our role models fall, which they often do, we feel like everything we believed has collapsed. But if we’ve built our understanding from multiple sources, the failure of one doesn’t destroy the whole structure.

Cultivate your own critical thinking and independent judgment. I think this is the most important point. We can learn from everyone, but we must build our own value system. We must test the ideas against our experience. We must ask questions and notice contradictions. If a respected figure says something that doesn’t feel right, we must trust that discomfort. Our inner voice, our intuition, is designed to protect us, and we must take this voice seriously.

Be especially wary of spiritual exploitation. Be especially wary of spiritual exploitation. This deserves special mention. Spiritual predators understand that it is when we’re searching for meaning, purpose, or connection with the divine that we’re at our most vulnerable. Such false gurus and babas promise enlightenment and exclusive access to truth, but what they really seek is control over us. We should be wary of anyone who claims exclusive access to God, demands unquestioning faith, expects unreasonable financial sacrifices, or insists we surrender our critical thinking in the name of faith. Authentic spiritual teachers empower us find our own path; fraudulent ones demand we follow theirs.

Maintain emotional distance. Let’s remember to admire someone’s work from a distance, without worshiping them. Appreciating someone’s insights doesn’t require them to be a good person. Once we become aware of this, we won’t be distraught when the mask of one of our role models slips

A Final Thought

French novelist Marcel Proust was on point, wasn’t he, when he warned that we should never meet the people we admire, or we’ll be disappointed?

I don’t regret meeting Deepak Chopra. I don’t regret the time I spent listening to him speak or reading a few of his books. What I do regret is the assumption I made, that a man who spoke and wrote so elegantly about awareness must possess it himself.

The people we admire are human, which means they’re capable of extraordinary things and terrible things, sometimes simultaneously. Our job isn’t to ignore their work when they disappoint us, or to excuse their behavior because we value their contributions. Our job is to take what’s useful, discard what’s harmful, and never, ever hand over our capacity for independent judgment.

When gurus and role models disappoint us, instead of becoming cynical, we should learn from the experience. In the end, we escape disappointment not by avoiding others, but by becoming someone we can trust when we look in the mirror.

The post When Role Models Disappoint: How to Avoid the Pitfalls of Hero Worship appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

The Call to Help

Emergencies, whether they come in the form of floods, fires, earthquakes, or humanitarian crises, bring out the rawest and realest aspects of life. When everything is uncertain, people look for something to ground themselves, and helping others often becomes that anchor.

Volunteers, first responders, and even everyday citizens who choose to take action during crises often describe a compelling sense of responsibility. It’s not always dramatic or heroic; sometimes it’s as simple as distributing food, checking in on neighbors, or donating supplies. But every action matters.

From Chaos to Clarity

Helping in emergencies can offer emotional clarity and a sense of meaning that’s hard to find in day-to-day life. When you’re helping someone in dire need—providing shelter, offering a warm meal, or even just listening—you momentarily escape the noise of your own concerns. The focus shifts outward, and in doing so, many people discover what truly motivates them.

It’s common to hear volunteers say they feel “more alive” or “more connected” after helping in a crisis. This isn’t surprising. Science shows that altruistic behavior triggers the release of feel-good chemicals like oxytocin and dopamine. A study published in the International Journal of Happiness and Development found that helping others through charity brings us happiness. But beyond the biological and emotional responses, helping others builds a sense of identity and belonging, critical components of purpose.

Organizations That Make It Possible

You don’t have to act alone to make a difference. Numerous organizations provide the structure and training needed to effectively help in emergencies. One of the most recognized is the American Red Cross, which coordinates nationwide and global relief efforts in response to natural and human-made disasters.

Whether you’re assisting with hurricane evacuations, supplying emergency kits after wildfires, or supporting families displaced by floods, there are many ways to get involved through their disaster relief service. These programs give you a chance to help others and offer a community of like-minded people dedicated to making a difference.

How to Get Started

If you’re inspired but unsure where to begin, start small. Consider:

• Taking a basic first aid or CPR course.
• Joining a local community emergency response team (CERT).
• Donating time or resources to a reputable organization.
• Volunteering with a shelter or food bank during crisis periods.

You don’t need special skills to start—just a willingness to show up.

Related » Voluntourism: Discover the Joy of Traveling With a Cause

Conclusion: Purpose is Found in Service

Emergencies reveal a lot about human nature, both its fragility and the resilience of life. Amid fear and loss, there’s an incredible opportunity to bring light into someone else’s darkness. Helping others in their most vulnerable moments isn’t just about them, it’s also about finding a deeper sense of who we are.

In choosing to help during an emergency, you may discover how strong your community is and how purposeful your life can become.

The post Finding Purpose Through Helping Others in Emergencies appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

How Our Schooling Failed Us

In my observation and experience, our formal schooling tends to disconnect us from ourselves and from our intrinsic humanness. Instead of developing the faculty of critical thinking in our students, we teach them to become highly competent knowledge gatherers. By and large, we teach children what to think, instead of how to think. We stifle their free minds when we punish mistakes and reward only the right answers. We don’t measure true understanding; we only measure how well the students do against a set benchmark. In the name of standardization, we discourage creativity and promote mediocrity.

Little wonder then that when they grow up, most have no real values of their own. Their values are borrowed, their morals second-hand, their beliefs handed-down. Their conscience is “learned” and selective because it is not something born out of the consciousness of their shared humanity.

Look around at the hatred, the violence, the greed and the craving for success at all costs. Look at the apathy that pervades all around us. Doesn’t it bother you?

It might not, especially if you are comfortable in your conditioning, or if the violent and divisive narratives suit your personal life situation and goals.

I wouldn’t blame you if you do—society benefits from conformists; after all, democracy as a system itself encourages majoritarianism. And our education is designed to produce conformists who are discouraged to ask uncomfortable questions.

But if you are reading this, it is a good bet that you do feel concerned about the state of the world. You don’t want your children to inherit a violent, apathetic, self-centered, hate-filled world, and worse, to perpetuate it. You don’t want your children to become mindlessly consuming automatons who are incapable of thinking freely.

So what can we do about it?

Related » What Is Meant By True Success

Why You Should Never Let Schooling Interfere With Your Education

The schooling system we follow has hardly evolved in over a century. Originally, schools were meant to groom children to become efficient workers for the industry. As business, political and religious agendas started to blend, schooling started becoming an easy instrument to further propaganda that benefited these institutions. No wonder schools end up curbing our children’s natural curiosity as well as their ability to think freely — their critical thinking faculty. The result is that we have “literate” masses who behave like herds — it’s by design.

In most traditional educational systems around the world, there is excessive emphasis on procuring high grades in standardized tests that rarely measure a student’s real understanding of the subject. Instead, it promotes rote memorization and the repetition and regurgitation of facts among students rather than critical thinking and creative problem solving. Compounding the problem are the teachers who due to their own lack of training, are ill-equipped to inspire free thinking in their students. Most parents, too, are sailing in the same boat as teachers and end up perpetuating what schools began.

In my view, whether by design or otherwise, our schooling trains us to seek personal success. We are taught to compete with our own friends and classmates; greed is given the name of ambition and is promoted overtly; we are brainwashed into believing that participating in the rat-race is inevitable and, in fact, good for us.

Slowly, gradually, our humanness starts withering. By the time our schooling (formal education) is over, we are well-trained in chasing wealth but at the cost of our health and happiness. By now we have learnt to worship success so blindly that we begin to twist even spirituality to attain material goals. We consume, consume and consume even more… mindlessly. As a result, we are beneficial to the economy but at the tremendous cost to our humanity.

Recognizing Your Conditioning

If you’re honest then perhaps in your quiet moments you probably reflected: have I been hoodwinked by this society? You wonder whether all this mad rush for “more” is just propaganda by those who profit from it. You see the everyday violence, hatred and divisiveness all around you and want to no longer participate in it—directly or indirectly. You even begin to question the fundamentals of economics, which measures only wealth and not wellbeing.

At such contemplative moments, you have a choice: dismiss these uneasy thoughts when they cross your mind because you are too afraid of standing alone. Or wake up fully and begin reconnecting with your real self, your raw humanness.

I think if you wish to live freely and fully, truly live, you can only do so when you recognize your conditioning as conditioning. And it is impossible to lift the veil of conditioning unless you start questioning.

No one is entirely free from biases and bigotry — we all have our pet peeves and prejudices. There’s no shame in accepting this fact. In fact, it is freeing! On the other hand, by denying it, you remain in bondage.

Awakening From the Stupor

It’s only when you start questioning that you begin to free yourself from the hold of a manipulative, divisive society — a society that, by exploiting your vulnerability as a child, brainwashed you not only into conforming but also succeeded in making you part of their team so that the exploitation and subjugation continues.

Please understand that I am not promoting cynicism. I am suggesting that you wake up and reconnect with your own intrinsic humanness and check for hidden biases… in the self and in others.

When you awaken from the stupor, you stop accepting any information without passing it through your own critical filter of humanity. You become mindful of your thoughts and reactions whenever you feel strongly about anything so that you can notice that more often the real trigger is your own hidden bigotry or chauvinism. Recognizing this is a big leap in consciousness. As you do this, you will feel as if you are coming alive after a very long hiatus.

How to Cultivate Critical Thinking to Free Yourself

If the above perspective resonates with you and you realize that it is absolutely vital to live freely, here’s what you can do to break free: start questioning. And encourage your kids and other youngsters to do the same.

• Question everything you read or see or hear
• Question your elders. Question your teachers
• Question the media, the politicians, the patriots, the philosophers
• Don’t forget to question your spiritual masters and your religious leaders. They are as responsible for the state of affairs as everyone else
• Most importantly, question your own thoughts and motivations. Do consider that most of your thoughts and beliefs are not your own…but they pretend to be, thanks to years of brainwashing through propaganda, misinformation etc. Be open to contrary viewpoints.

And by questioning, I don’t mean seeking answers from others. In fact, I would urge you to question any answers that come forth, too!

I have included a framework for constructive questioning in this article » How Questioning Your Beliefs Sets You Free. I encourage you to read the same.

As for answers, seek them from your own awareness and experience as a human being. Start practicing mindfulness to become really aware of your automatic thoughts and feelings. You might be in for a shock!

In Conclusion

It’s time to grow up and out of the shadows of your schooling — your formal education systems — and start question your basic assumptions about yourself and your world. Deliberately cultivate your critical thinking faculty. Don’t settle for quick, easy answers. Challenge your own darling thoughts and beliefs even more — this is most important and also most difficult to achieve. Strive to come alive by looking at life from a fresh perspective, sans any biases.

I assure you that as you drop your old beliefs and clean up your heart and mind of biases and prejudices, you will feel lighter, think clearer, and live happier and healthier. And, in turn, you will contribute to a happier, more peaceful world.

The post Why You Should Break Out of the Shadows of Schooling appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

What is the Health at Every Size movement?

This movement was started by the Association for Size Diversity and Health in 2003. With Health at Every Size (HAES), healthcare professionals are encouraged to look more toward helping people feel better physically with the bodies they’re currently in rather than urging them to reach a lower weight. Through this change, the quality of care for all sizes should improve — no one size would be looked to as the golden standard, as it is done with the body mass index scale.

Regarding food, HAES promotes eating what you like whenever you want to feel satiated. In an experiment by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, the people who were not given any “forbidden food” to stay away from maintained the same weight as a group that was told to exercise. Having no “forbidden foods” doesn’t mean people only eat processed foods high in sugar — they just have less pressure on themselves to eat healthy all the time and seem to gravitate to more nutritious foods naturally.

HAES is about self-acceptance rather than self-fear. Measuring physical health by how good you feel about yourself is more helpful than measuring it by a number on the scale. People should not have to feel afraid of their bodies to motivate them to change; they would do much better if they simply learn to accept their bodies as-is while also making healthier choices to ensure their physical and mental health improve.

Still, HAES is more about promoting better care for people of all sizes rather than focusing on self-love, as the body positivity movement does. While people should feel good about their bodies, HAES focuses more on the medical aspect of it, ensuring that people don’t feel afraid to go to the doctor because of their weight, knowing that their concerns will be taken seriously. It also encourages people to find an exercise they love — it doesn’t matter how intense or casual it is, as long as you’re getting movement into your routine.

Why it’s important to embrace healthy living

Everyone should have a chance to live a long and healthy life. Healthy living goes beyond what you look like — it can provide benefits like living longer and having fewer health conditions and therefore fewer medical bills. Below, I list a few reasons you should strive to improve your health in general instead of simply trying to lose weight.

1. Prevents chronic illnesses

Becoming healthier helps maintain your physical health and keep illnesses at bay. For instance, when you follow a healthier lifestyle instead of only obsessing about your weight, you may be able to avoid cardiovascular disease. You should strive to understand your body and recognize when something feels off about it. That way, you know just how to incorporate healthy elements into your day without pushing yourself, especially for the wrong reasons.

2. Improved physical and mental health

When you strive to eat healthier meals, you’ll automatically gravitate to less-processed food. Fresh, nutritious foods help you have more energy and feel fuller; they also improve your mental and physical health. The same goes with exercise — it makes you feel more energetic and happier. So a healthier life can leave you with benefits in body and mind.

3. More autonomy over your care

When you search for a healthcare professional who prioritizes HAES, you won’t feel like you have to change physically in order to be taken seriously. You’ll start to feel like you can make healthcare decisions for yourself again, as your doctor won’t write off a concern as being only about your “weight”. You may feel in control of yourself and can take the reins of your own wellbeing.

How to make changes for your physical and mental health

When you commit to healthier living, you should know there will be challenges. It won’t be easy to start eating healthier or moving around more when you’re used to a different lifestyle. While many changes will take time, you can take steps to commit to a healthier life at any size.

1. Get more steps in

When you’re following HAES, any movement is good movement. A simple walk can lessen the pain in your joints and decrease your risk for other dangerous chronic illnesses. If you need help figuring out where to start with adding movement to your day, try going for a short walk.

2. Keep your home clean

If you’ve felt down recently or have felt sick for no reason, your surroundings might be to blame. You have less of a possibility of getting sick when you keep a clean home and your mental health will improve without the additional clutter. Create a chore chart for yourself and try to stick to it as best as you can.

3. Subscribe to a meal kit

In a busy world, you may not have the time or energy to go all out with your cooking. Still, you need the proper nutrients to lead a healthy life. Subscribing to a meal kit can help you get the nutritious meals you need with minimal cooking involved. The kits can motivate you to cook when it doesn’t feel manageable, cutting down on the number of times you eat out each week.

Why Health at Every Size matters

People have spent too long having their concerns diminished because of their size, only to experience detrimental effects due to not receiving proper treatment. You are the only one occupying your body, so you know when something feels off.

Likewise, everyone deserves to feel comfortable in their own body and receive treatment without being told just to lose weight. With HAES, you aim to find a balance that leads to a healthier lifestyle overall.

The post Why Health at Every Size matters appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Growing up with two sets of parents

I am a mother in my late 30s. While my situation may not sound so unique, it is a bit uncommon. I was adopted by my father’s elder brother at the time of my birth. The reason for my adoption was that my parents were unable to conceive. My father had told me about my biological parents from the time I was a baby — even though he was urged not to share the truth with me. His reasoning was that my biological parents ought to receive the recognition they deserved for their selfless act of sacrifice. I was fortunate to grow up in a large, joint family, with both sets of parents residing together. As a result, I was raised to call both sets of parents mumma/papa.

At the age of seven, my parents relocated to another city, and I went to a boarding school, away from both sets of parents. My biological parents went on to have two more sons after me, who grew up knowing about my adoption and treated me like their own sister. Even though I spent only a few days with them during my vacations, me and my biological brothers have always been close.

Brother from another mother

As I turned 18, my parents made the unexpected decision to adopt a baby boy, solely because they desired a son. I believe this was influenced by societal gender expectations, and they might have believed that having a son was necessary to care for them in their old age, once I was married and moved away.

My biological parents, however, opposed my adoptive parents’ decision and expressed their concerns that my parents, particularly my mom, would not love me as much once another child joined the family. Despite this, my parents went ahead with the adoption.

Ideally, it would have been wonderful to have a sibling of a similar age with who I could to relate to, play with, argue with and so on. Unfortunately, I always felt that my brother was my parents’ child, not exactly a sibling to me. As I was already in college when he was adopted, we didn’t get to spend much time together. The decision to adopt him was only for my parents’ benefit, not mine. Having said that, we do share a bond of love and are there for each other when needed.

Getting married

After a few years, I reached the age when most people get married, and my parents arranged a marriage for me, as is common in India.

The whole arranged-marriage affair was one of the worst experiences of my life because both sets of parents had different opinions and wanted to handle things their way. Neither of them realized what I was going through — I was caught in the middle and didn’t know who to listen to. One set of parents wanted me to get married immediately, while the other wanted me to wait. Anyways, I did end up getting married rather young.

Even after marriage, this has been an ongoing issue in my life — balancing the opinions of both sets of parents. All four of them love me deeply, and my biological brothers are also quite close to me. However, what has complicated my life is not the fact that I was adopted, but rather that 1) I was being adopted within the family, and 2) my biological parents had a say in my life.

People often say that I’m lucky to have two sets of parents, but it’s not always easy. During every crisis in my life, both sets of parents have had different opinions, which has added to the stress and confusion.

Becoming a mother

Becoming a mother has been my greatest achievement. As I was growing up, I knew that my mother couldn’t conceive a child and had needed to adopt. This created a subconscious doubt in my mind about my chances of conceiving. So, when I became pregnant, it felt like a monumental accomplishment. Even though there was no real reason to doubt fertility, I always feared that I may not be able conceive. This might be partly because my mother always urged me to have a child soon so that I wouldn’t experience the same difficulties she had. Now, as I raise my child, I often find myself thinking “he’s mine” and “I gave birth to him.” While I know that many mothers share this sentiment, it may not be to the same degree that I do.

How people react

As I was growing up, most people who knew me were aware that I was adopted and that I had two biological brothers who I considered as my own siblings. When I started college and disclosed my adoption status, people often had varying reactions. While some expressed surprise and simply said, “Oh, I didn’t know that,” others had less favorable responses, such as asking if I felt sad about being “given away” or questioning who my “real” parents were. One person even assumed that I had step-parents and step-siblings, which was quite comical.

To anyone who meets someone who has been adopted, I would advise not to express sympathy towards them. Instead, ask questions about their experience and their relationship with their parents without feeling sorry for them. Having a loving family, biological or not, is a wonderful thing.

In conclusion

My brother, who is now 20 years old, is still in the dark about his adoption. My father chose not to disclose the fact to him, fearing that he would feel resentment towards his biological parents for giving him up. In contrast, I have always known about my being adopted since my birth. While I respect my father’s decision to withhold this information from my brother, I believe that he should have the chance to learn about his adoption when he is ready. I understand that many children may struggle with this information later in life, but I hope that my brother will take the news positively.

My life has been both simple and knotty because of my experiences with adoption and motherhood. I believe that sharing my perspective can help others understand these experiences better. I leave you with a quote by actor Hugh Jackman: “I think adoption is a blessing all around when it is done right.”

The author of this blog has chosen to remain anonymous.

The post “I grew up with two sets of parents” — A perspective on adoption appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

The conversation has become more complex than ever before. Men who expect women and girls to cover themselves completely often do so because they find it difficult to manage their own sexual urges—instead of taking responsibility for their impulse control, they place the burden entirely on women. Then there are those who argue that revealing clothing reduces women to mere ‘sex objects,’ potentially affecting how all women are perceived in society.

In the post-COVID world, we’re witnessing an unprecedented shift. Young women are simultaneously embracing body positivity movements while navigating the pressure of social media validation. The pandemic changed our relationship with clothing—comfort became king, yet the desire to “dress up” for virtual meetings created new dynamics.

The psychology behind why women choose to expose their bodies is far more nuanced than simple explanations of “attention-seeking” or “empowerment.” As a psychotherapist, I’ve observed how cultural shifts, technological advances, and evolving gender dynamics have created entirely new motivations and pressures around women’s dress choices.

I discuss the issue in detail in the sections below. 

• Dressing: What Is Skimpy and What Is Modest
• 7 Reasons Why Women Dress to Expose Their Bodies
  1. Exposing as a mating instinct
  2. Exposing for self-satisfaction
  3. Showing skin for material gains
  4. Exposing as a way to cope with low self-esteem
  5. Flashing it for pleasure
  6. The Social Media Factor: Dressing for Digital Validation
  7. The Body Positivity Paradox
• Summing up

Editor’s Note: While this article focuses primarily on women’s clothing choices, it’s worth noting that men and non-binary individuals also deal with complex decisions about body exposure. Men who wear tank tops, shorts, or go shirtless face their own set of judgments, though generally with less scrutiny. Similarly, non-binary individuals often use clothing as a powerful tool for gender expression, sometimes facing even harsher criticism for defying traditional expectations.  

What Is Skimpy and What Is Modest

Whether it is okay for a woman to expose certain parts of her body has been a matter of discussion down the ages. Many cultural taboos have arisen from such discussions. The purdah system, the burkha, covering the head with a ghungat or dupatta or saree, are some of the age-old norms that are considered proper or modest for a woman. Just recently while I was on a holiday, my chauffeur commented on how immodest and incorrect it was for the women on the road to ‘only’ cover their head with a dupatta instead of fully covering themselves in a burkha, and how his wife did not ‘expose’ herself in such an immodest way.

The idea of what is modest and what is not, in a woman’s dressing, has rapidly changed with passing time. During the early black-and-white era of cinema, only actresses in negative roles wore sleeveless dresses. It symbolized immodesty in a woman as opposed to the heroine, who was always ‘properly’ clad. Slowly, sleeveless dresses were accepted, but swimsuits were taboo. Then, skirts [that showed legs] were OK, but plunging necklines weren’t. Being clad in a short white saree, wet to the skin, under a waterfall, with the complete body form visible is an accepted ‘art form’ in films and has now become outdated. So, what is considered ‘exposing’ in one era, is completely acceptable in another.

Further, a tribal woman in India or Africa may be totally bare with only trinkets and a loin cloth and be seen as modest, whereas a lady in some other parts of the world might be seen as exposing if her feet are showing from her burkha. Being topless on a beach is acceptable in Nice [France]—no one even gives a second glance. The same would be unacceptable in India. A swimsuit is appropriate in a pool, but not in an office.

Weather, too, dictates appropriateness. Shorts and tank tops are practical in 40°C heat and humidity, while the same outfit in an air-conditioned office might seem out of place. Climate is often the most straightforward reason for revealing clothing, particularly in tropical regions where fabric coverage becomes genuinely uncomfortable.

So, what is termed as ‘exposure’ is time-specific, region-specific, culture-specific, occasion-specific, and in my opinion, attitude-specific.

7 Reasons Why Women Dress to Expose Their Bodies

Women’s dressing has suddenly become a hot topic because of the recent increase in the sex crimes and the discussion on how students should dress for college. Several music videos in which actresses bare it all because they believe in ‘If you have it, flaunt it!’ have fanned the fire.

Let us therefore try and understand the psychology of why girls and women might expose their bodies.

1. Exposing skin as a mating instinct

There is an existential reason behind exposing the body. A woman, like a female of other species, gives out signals of her readiness to engage in the reproductive act for the propagation of the species. Such seduction or alluring the male by exposing, is to arouse a sexual response in him. However, such seduction is usually for a specific partner with whom she is willing to sexually engage, and not for anyone else. This is what makes women buy revealing nightwear and lingerie—to attract that specific sexual mate.

2. Exposing body for self-satisfaction or feeling good

Women also like to dress sensually and expose their bodies to feel pretty and feminine. This is seen in some girls who admire a revealing dress on a model or actress and wear something similar to feel gorgeous. Such girls and women dress for themselves and not for others. They are least interested in attracting attention or being noticed. They wear revealing clothes just because they enjoy looking good.

3. Showing skin for material gains

Some women expose their bodies to get noticed and attract sexual attention. And this happens even outside show business. A girl may use her ‘assets’ to get the desired promotion or an increment in salary by appearing desirable to a male authority figure. She is aware of her superior’s weakness and cashes on it for material favors. Often, besides enticing him a bit with a little bit of skin show, she is not interested in taking matters ahead.

However, the frustrated superior either satisfies himself in fantasy, or asks her to make good on her non-verbal promises of sexual gratification by exchanging material benefits.

Women who consciously attract sexual attention for a purpose need to fully understand the deal they are getting into and take responsibility of their actions.

4. Exposing skin as a way to cope with low self-esteem

The need to expose is also found manifesting in a larger percentage of cases where girls suffer from low self-esteem or poor self-image. The narrow definition of beauty in the form of perfectly sculpted bodies of models is causing an increasing amount of self-esteem problems leading to anxiety, depression, and eating disorders like anorexia nervosa and bulimia.

There is a mad rush for cosmetic surgery miracles, some of which are causing serious health concerns. The belief that beauty is skin deep is being sold to us on TV commercials and in magazines.

A Case in Point

A concerned mother used to repeatedly tell her dark teenage daughter to use a certain fairness cream. This young girl’s self-esteem sank so low that she was caught in a dilemma. She was sexually maturing, her hormones were raging, and there was an urgent need for her to feel attractive to the opposite sex, so that her own primal needs could be fulfilled. Her immature mind found a solution to raise her self-esteem and cope with this dilemma. She was endowed with a full figure, which she started revealing with low necklines and high hemlines. She would dance at parties in a seductive manner. Needless to say, she got a whole lot of male attention, but was soon labelled as ‘easily available’, with the result that her self-worth hit rock bottom.

While we are discussing the reasons why a woman exposes her body, we need to remember that it is not how much you wear, or which parts of your body are covered that define modesty and culture, but the way you carry what you wear. It is the attitude of the person in the dress, the motivation behind wearing that dress, the body language of the person in the dress that makes it either modest or immodest.

A saree-clad woman can be immodest and attention-seeking through her body language, and a girl wearing a blouse with spaghetti straps can be modest and comfortable by the way she carries herself.

Although exposure is attitude-specific, it is sensible to dress in ways that are appropriate for the occasion, the time, the culture and the region in which you live. Take responsibility of your own actions and ensure that your dressing doesn’t give messages that you don’t want to give.

5. Flashing it for pleasure

According to modern psychiatry, exhibitionism is a form of perversion, in which a person derives sexual pleasure when s/he shocks people by exposing his or her body in a sudden, unexpected way. Majority of exhibitionists are impotent in other forms of heterosexual activity and seem to be pushed by an uncontrollable urge that leads to their impulsive behavior. According to Masters & Johnson, in many instances, a particular episode of exhibitionist behavior is triggered by a family conflict or a run-in with an authority figure.

A female exhibitionist may, at times, get away with her perversion remaining unnoticed by being in a profession in which she exhibits her body in unexpected ways, e.g. the show business where she can enjoy her fetish and derive sexual pleasure by watching shocked faces and raised eyebrows, and even get paid for it.

6. The Social Media Factor: Dressing for Digital Validation

One of the most significant developments in women’s clothing choices is the influence of social media platforms. Unlike previous generations who dressed primarily for their immediate social circle, today’s women often consider how their outfit will appear on camera, how it will perform in terms of likes and comments, and whether it aligns with current online trends.

The psychology here is complex. Social media has created what researchers call “continuous performance anxiety”—the feeling that one is always potentially being photographed or recorded. This has led to:

• Outfit Documentation Pressure: Many girls now plan outfits with the specific intention of posting them online
• Algorithm Awareness: Understanding that certain types of clothing and poses generate more engagement
• Influencer Mimicry: Copying styles that have proven successful for social media personalities
• FOMO Fashion: Fear of missing out on trends that could make one appear outdated online.

7. The Body Positivity Paradox

The body positivity movement has created an interesting contradiction in women’s dressing choices. While the movement encourages women to love their bodies regardless of size or shape, it has also, paradoxically, led some women to feel pressured to show more skin to prove they’re “body positive”.

This often manifests as:

• Feeling obligated to wear revealing clothing to demonstrate self-acceptance
• Internal conflict between personal comfort levels and movement expectations
• The pressure to be visibly confident about one’s body
• Confusion between empowerment and exhibition.

Related article » The Rape Crisis in India: High Time We Introspect?

Summing up

In our hyper-connected world of 2025, the reasons why women expose their bodies have evolved beyond traditional psychological explanations. We now see influences from social media algorithms that reward certain types of content, body positivity movements that encourage self-acceptance, and generation gaps that create vastly different perspectives on modesty and empowerment.

The Instagram generation doesn’t just dress for the mirror—they dress for the camera, for their personal brand, for their online persona. Yet, beneath these modern layers, the fundamental human needs remain – the desire for acceptance, validation, self-expression, and sometimes, yes, romantic attention.

Modesty isn’t determined by the amount of fabric covering someone’s body, but by the intention, attitude, and context behind their choices. A woman in a business suit can project inappropriate sexuality through her behavior, while someone in casual summer clothing can maintain complete dignity through her demeanor.

The key lies in fostering conversations that don’t shame women for their choices but encourage self-awareness about the motivations behind them. The key lies in fostering conversations that don’t shame women—or even men and non-binary individuals—for their clothing choices, while encouraging self-awareness about the motivations behind them.

Whether someone chooses to dress conservatively or boldly, the goal should be authenticity. In other words, dressing in alignment with one’s values, circumstances, and genuine self-expression rather than purely for external validation or societal pressure.

The digital age has given us new freedoms, but also new challenges. The question isn’t whether women should or shouldn’t expose their bodies—it’s whether they’re making these choices from a place of genuine self-expression and empowerment, or from external pressures they haven’t fully examined.

In the end, true confidence and attractiveness come from being comfortable in your own skin—quite literally—regardless of how much of that skin you choose to show the world.

Frequently Asked Questions

Editor’s note: The following questions emerged frequently in our reader discussions and social media conversations about this article. Our editorial team has compiled responses that synthesize current research, contemporary perspectives, and insights from our contributing experts.

My teenage daughter started dressing more revealing after her breakup. Should I be worried?

This happens more often than most parents realize. When a relationship ends, particularly a first significant one, teenagers often question their own worth. That shaken foundation can lead them toward quick solutions—seeking external affirmation to fill an internal void.

The clothes themselves aren’t what you should focus on. What’s underneath matters far more. Is she exploring different styles as part of typical teenage identity formation? Or is she frantically searching for evidence that she remains desirable?

Try to look deeper and check

• Has her entire emotional state become tethered to social media metrics?
• Do comments and likes dictate her mood?
• Are there accompanying changes—social withdrawal, academic struggles, concerning friendships?

Without these warning signs, what you’re seeing might simply be her way of rebuilding confidence after feeling unwanted. Sometimes fashion becomes a tool for reclaiming power after loss. And sometimes, that’s just what adolescence looks like.

The trap many parents fall into is attacking the wardrobe directly. This almost always fails, turning outfit choices into power struggles. Instead, explore the emotional terrain underneath. Try questions that open rather than close: “What’s this breakup been like for you?” “What makes you feel strong right now?”

Guide her toward building worth from genuine sources—accomplishments, capabilities, authentic relationships. When confidence grows from real ground, the hunger for constant external proof naturally fades.

True self-assurance doesn’t need perpetual outside confirmation. As we explored in our discussion of genuine self-esteem, it exists independent of others’ opinions.

Is it hypocritical for women to complain about objectification while wearing revealing clothes?

This question rests on a flawed premise: that exposed skin automatically causes objectification. That assumption deserves scrutiny.

Medical professionals examine unclothed bodies without sexualizing them. People notice physical attractiveness in others without mentally dismantling them into parts. What differs isn’t the amount of skin visible—it’s how the observer decides to engage.

University of Kent researchers found that setting trumps coverage. Study participants who saw bikini-clad women in contextually appropriate locations (beaches, swimming pools) didn’t automatically objectify them. What triggered dehumanization was the viewer’s deliberate focus on isolated body parts instead of complete human beings.

For example, when someone celebrates their physical confidence by wearing a crop top to a summer concert, they’ve chosen appropriate attire for that environment, simply wanting to feel unrestricted in their own skin. Does that forfeit their fundamental right to respectful treatment?

This question reveals widespread confusion between authentic empowerment and mere display. Can people honor their bodies while simultaneously demanding dignity? Of course. These aren’t opposing forces—they’re natural partners.

Nobody questions a man in board shorts who objects to harassment. We grasp that he’s just wearing practical summer clothing. Why apply different logic to women?

Objectification originates in the observer’s choices, not as an unavoidable result of fabric quantity. When we lose sight of this, we end up regulating garments instead of examining behavior.

My coworker dresses very revealing to client meetings. How do I address this professionally?

Before you do anything, ask yourself an honest question: Is this genuinely affecting work, or am I personally uncomfortable?

These represent distinct problems requiring separate approaches.

If clients have responded negatively, if deals have faltered, if professional standing has genuinely suffered—then yes, you’ve identified a real business issue. Gather specific evidence. Bring facts rather than judgments to your manager or HR: “During our last three client presentations, I observed clients focusing more on personal appearance than our actual proposal.”

But if this stems primarily from your own discomfort? That might signal an opportunity for introspection. Professional standards vary dramatically across industries. What seems inappropriate in finance might be completely standard in fashion, technology, or creative fields. Your colleague might grasp workplace culture better than you do.

Also consider whether your reaction to her clothing connects to your own insecurities. Are you truly worried about her professional image, or anxious about being overshadowed yourself?

If you remain convinced you should speak up, position it as caring inquiry rather than critique: “I’m invested in you being taken seriously at these meetings. Have you picked up on any concerning reactions?” Then let her evaluate and respond. She may understand dynamics you’re missing—perhaps these particular clients value informality.

Unless you hold a management or HR position, commenting on colleagues’ wardrobes rarely falls within your responsibilities. Channel energy into your own performance and trust her to navigate her professional decisions.

As we examined in our piece on authentic responsibility, real power emerges from managing our reactions, not attempting to control others.

Does research show that revealing clothing actually leads to more sexual assault?

Absolutely not. This ranks among the most destructive and enduring falsehoods about sexual violence.

A 2018 investigation published in the Journal of Interpersonal Violence documented what assault survivors actually had on during their attacks. The findings? Ordinary everyday items—denim jeans, basic t-shirts, athletic sweatpants. One person wore a heavy winter snowsuit. The “What Were You Wearing?” exhibition at the University of Kansas featured these genuine garments, starkly illustrating that attire means nothing to attackers.

Repeated studies support this conclusion. Temple University criminologists discovered that sexual predators choose targets based on apparent vulnerability and accessible opportunity—never hemlines or necklines. They identify body language indicating diminished confidence or distraction, not clothing styles.

What keeps this fiction alive? Possibly because it offers illusory control (“If I cover up, I’ll stay safe”) while dangerously transferring blame from perpetrators onto victims. It disguises victim-blaming as protective guidance.

The reality is simultaneously straightforward and freeing: Your wardrobe doesn’t trigger sexual violence. Offenders trigger sexual violence.

What genuinely reduces sexual assault?

• Education about consent
• Perpetrator accountability
• Addressing toxic masculinity patterns.
• Supporting survivors
• Strengthening reporting systems.

Note that monitoring hemlines is not on the list.

How do I know if I’m dressing for myself vs. seeking external validation?

Perhaps no other question about wardrobe choices cuts closer to truth. The answer demands unflinching self-honesty.

Consider this scenario: If nobody could possibly see you today—zero social media, no public encounters, complete solitude—would you still select this outfit? A genuine yes suggests you’re dressing authentically. If your first thought is “what would be the purpose then?” you’re probably prioritizing outside approval.

Try another angle: When someone praises your appearance, what surfaces emotionally? Simple pleasure at acknowledgment? Or overwhelming relief at receiving validation? Your reaction’s intensity and character reveals more than you might expect.

Watch for behavioral patterns. Do you reach for revealing items only when feeling inadequate, following harsh criticism, or after rejection experiences? This indicates you’re employing clothing as emotional self-medication through others’ responses rather than authentic expression.

Physical comfort also speaks volumes. Are you perpetually adjusting, pulling, feeling self-conscious in this clothing? When you sacrifice comfort for image, ask: Whose sake is this for?

Your inner dialogue regarding your clothing should go something like “This dress feels amazing—it boosts my confidence. And sure, I appreciate when people notice.” That’s what healthy social engagement feels like.

Problematic dependence sounds like: “I’m feeling worthless right now, but if I wear something attention-getting and collect enough reactions, maybe I’ll feel okay. I require others to confirm I’m attractive.”

Most people dress for both themselves and their social environment, which is perfectly human. We’re inherently social beings. Problems emerge when outside validation becomes your sole or dominant driver, making your self-worth hostage to others’ opinions.

If you’re serious about understanding your patterns, maintain a week-long wardrobe journal. Record your daily outfit, selection reasoning, pre- and post-wearing emotions, and whose validation you sought. Patterns become unmistakable.

Related » Does the Idea of Standing Out Excite You or Terrorize You?

Can you be body-positive and also prefer modest clothing?

Completely—and anyone claiming otherwise fundamentally misunderstands body positivity’s true meaning.

Body positivity centers on accepting your physical self without shame or impossible standards. It’s fundamentally about body autonomy—including complete control over how you present yourself.

The widespread confusion suggests body positivity requires displaying your body to demonstrate you value it. This simply introduces fresh pressure that contradicts the movement’s foundational intent. Wearing a bikini makes you no more “body positive” than wearing complete coverage—what actually matters is making that decision without shame.

Consider a a woman who chooses modest coverage for personal, spiritual, or cultural motivations while genuinely loving her body embodies body positivity entirely. Her confidence appears through rejecting shame-based shapeless hiding while maintaining her preferred coverage level. She’s transformed modesty from external obligation into personal choice.

Research from 2022 surveying 1,200 women revealed that 34% who identified as body positive preferred modest styles. They described feeling confident specifically because they faced no pressure to expose themselves for proof.

The expectation to reveal skin for demonstrating body confidence ironically represents yet another form of outside control over women’s physical autonomy. Authentic body positivity means championing all choices—crop tops and floor-length dresses alike.

As we explored discussing the nature of perfection, existence refuses to follow single templates. No solitary path leads to confidence or self-acceptance.

So, the real question you might ask yourself is: Am I making my clothing choices free from shame? That’s your only meaningful measure.

What should I do if revealing clothing is my industry standard but makes me uncomfortable?

This generates authentic internal conflict—financial necessity colliding with personal boundaries. That tension deserves acknowledgment, not dismissal.

Begin by determining whether revealing attire represents actual requirements or merely assumed workplace culture. Examine your formal dress policy. Frequently, revealing clothing reflects what colleagues wear rather than what’s mandated, offering more latitude than you realize.

Where interpretation space exists, locate strategic middle territory.

• Fitness industry: Form-fitting athletic wear avoiding excessive cropping or tightness.
• Entertainment sector: Elegant cuts suggesting shape without extensive exposure.
• Hospitality: Professionally tailored uniforms that flatter appropriately.

Consider developing your personal brand around distinctive styling that reads as polished and attractive while providing more coverage. Numerous successful women in revealing-clothing fields gained recognition precisely through their signature covered approach.

But, if you’re facing explicit pressure toward revealing attire outside written requirements, that may constitute harassment or discrimination—particularly when standards vary by gender or clothing isn’t strictly role-necessary. Record these interactions. Approach HR directly: “I aim to present professionally while honoring my comfort boundaries. Can we explore options together?”

Learn to recognize warning signs:

• Supervisors commenting on your physical form rather than work quality
• Revealing attire connected to tips, commissions, or advancement
• Retaliation for choosing modest coverage.

These indicate toxic environments potentially worth exiting when alternatives exist.

Your discomfort constitutes legitimate information, not something requiring suppression. Healthy workplaces prioritize your competence over your body’s visibility.

Sometimes the honest answer involves seeking employment aligned with your values. Your psychological wellbeing and personal integrity carry worth beyond salary figures.

My Instagram engagement drops when I post “modest” outfit photos. Is that in my head?

No, you’re identifying a genuine pattern confirmed by data.

Later Media’s 2024 analysis examining 100,000 fashion influencer posts discovered that images displaying more skin averaged 37% higher engagement than modest outfit content—after controlling for image quality, posting timing, and audience size.

Multiple factors drive this. Biological: Humans instinctively notice bodies—revealing clothing captures scrolling attention faster. Algorithmic: Instagram’s systems reward engagement without ethical filters, producing feedback loops where revealing content receives broader distribution. Cultural: Social platforms have normalized exposure levels once considered shocking.

This creates authentic psychological tension, particularly for younger women. The decision becomes: genuine self-expression or platform success.

Here’s what you could do:

• Diversify your strategy beyond competing in revealing-clothing territory
• Build alternative value—educational material, personality-driven content, humor, authentic storytelling
• Find your niche

Modest fashion sustains its own robust communities.

Alternatively, deploy the algorithm tactically. Periodically include form-fitting (though not necessarily revealing) material to preserve visibility while predominantly sharing values-aligned content. This negotiates authenticity with platform mechanics.

You might also fundamentally redefine success. If Instagram achievement requires value compromise, perhaps Instagram achievement isn’t your appropriate target. Many fulfilled creators cultivate smaller, deeply engaged audiences on platforms better matching their principles.

Reduced engagement on modest content doesn’t indicate inferior quality—it reflects algorithmic and user biases. You choose whether to accommodate those biases or construct something different.

Attempt a month-long experiment: Share only authentically meaningful content, ignoring engagement forecasts. Monitor actual numbers, but prioritize tracking how you experience your content creation. The data often throws up surprises. And sometimes psychological health improvement outweighs engagement metrics.

As we wrote about mutual respect: extend to yourself the treatment you’d offer others. That includes your online presence.

A Final Thought

These questions reveal something worth considering: Women’s clothing choices exist in a web of personal preference, social pressure, cultural expectations, professional requirements, and digital dynamics. Simple answers are rare—and that’s okay.

The goal is to make choices that align with your values, circumstances, and authentic self-expression. Whether those choices lean revealing, modest, or anywhere between, they’re valid as long as they’re genuinely yours.

If you’re struggling with these issues, consider speaking with a therapist specializing in body image, self-esteem, or women’s issues. Sometimes an objective professional perspective helps untangle what you truly want from what you’ve been conditioned to want.

This is an updated version of the article that was first published in the August 2011 issue of Complete Wellbeing magazine.

This article was last updated on 13^th December 2025.

The post Why Do Women Dress to Expose Their Skin? A Psychotherapist Answers appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Article at a glance »

• Introduction: How the Role of a Spiritual Teacher Is Misunderstood
• What Is Meant By the Term “Spiritual Teacher”
• Turning the Student to the Inner Journey
• Why a True Spiritual Teacher Won’t Work With All Seekers
• The Different Types of Spiritual Teachers
• Enlightening the Path of the Seeker

Introduction: How the Role of a Spiritual Teacher Is Misunderstood

It goes without saying that spiritual teachers are incredibly helpful people. In a world where there are so many lies and misconceptions, a spiritual teacher helps light the path back to the inner world within each of us.

However, due to deceptions that lead people towards external answers, the role of the spiritual teacher is vastly misunderstood. The spiritual teacher is often expected to be some kind of ‘Truth Candy’ dispenser, and if the seeker gets enough of this mystical candy, then “Whammo!”, enlightenment comes.

But that is not how it works, and because of these ideas, I am writing here about the true role of the spiritual teacher.

So What Does the Term “Spiritual Teacher” Mean?

A spiritual teacher is like a person holding a torch. From the torch springs forth light to illuminate the surroundings. When a seeker comes in contact with a true teacher, he or she may not really know how to respond. The responses can be varied, including:

• They want to take the teacher’s torch or think that that’s the type of light that they should be shining.
• They are immediately appalled at everything that they see, blame the teacher, and run away.
• They like how the teacher looks holding the torch and choose to sit and adore the light instead of igniting their own torch.

These, of course, are incorrect responses. Sometimes the student will be wise enough to bring his torch in contact with the teacher’s, and from that contact, the student’s awareness is momentarily ignited. But it becomes the student’s job to tend to that light.

If it is not tended to, the light may quickly get extinguished—like fire on wet wood. Then the student moves through a cycle of returning again and again to the teacher to re-ignite that flame… until she has done the work to make an acceptable space that can hold the heat and brilliance of the fire, which is nothing more than their own amazing awareness.

Turning the Student to the Inner Journey

One of the most important responsibilities of the spiritual teacher is to turn the student inward and to teach her how to learn. Because the spiritual path is not one of rote memorization, the student must often be untaught ways of learning. The student must also be taught how to engage with rationality and to know when to let it go.

This isn’t traded for some kind of misguided blind faith. Instead, the growth of the student’s inner knowing is the intended sounding bell for truth and for guidance through the experiential journey of the spiritual path. Without that inner compass, the student becomes dependent on the teacher and his wisdom in seeing clearly.

But the true teacher has no intention of being the permanent eyes for any student, so the teacher will continue to guide the student back to her inner journey again and again until the flame of awareness burns on its own.

Why a True Spiritual Teacher Won’t Work With All Seekers

It is true that spiritual teachers don’t work with all spiritual seekers. This isn’t out of an ego game, but instead, it comes from a profound and loving space of helping those who are ready to go into these deep places, while letting those who are not yet equipped for it continue to grow on their own.

The spiritual teacher truly understands that there’s a divine plan at work, and that if the student is not yet ready, he should in no way interfere with that lack of readiness with some kind of idea of ‘helping’ the student get somewhere quickly. This is very a common misconception in underdeveloped spiritual teachers, who think that everyone needs to be enlightened right now.

In truth, everyone needs to be exactly where they are right now. People are where they are, and that’s perfect. But for those who are ready to take the next step, teachers will often challenge them to see if those inner seeds of readiness are actually ready to sprout.

From this space, the teacher may crack jokes or make off-color comments to see if the student is paying attention. The teacher may be mean or act like a buffoon, depending on what the lesson is [which could be something like illuminating the great cosmic joke of this world and how silly we are in taking ourselves so seriously].

The spiritual teacher may do a lot of things that may seem counter to the popular image of a profound, serious, and quiet individual, who walks, talks and acts in a certain way. The unprepared student will say to him or herself, “This can’t be a spiritual teacher. He acts like such a fool.” The student who is ready will say to herself, “I am just as ridiculous as this person here. Perhaps, I shouldn’t take myself so seriously.” And then the student will laugh, and the teacher upon seeing this little moment of recognition will laugh. And the teaching will already have begun.

The Different Types of Spiritual Teachers

For as much as the term ‘spiritual teacher’ gets thrown around these days, it is not a catch-all phrase. There are quite a few different types of teachers out there. All of them have different ranges of abilities, and it’s equally important that those of you who are teachers understand your role and your limitations. We need teachers of all sorts and kinds because of all the pain and illusion that has enveloped this world, but we also need teachers to understand what they can and can’t do. You would not go to an auto mechanic to get your computer fixed. So why would you go to a kirtan teacher to learn how to meditate? You’d go to a meditation teacher for that.

I like to make up loose categories for lots of things on the spiritual path. I say ‘loose’ because they’re made up, but they can help to create a framework of understanding. I often describe spiritual teachers in three main groups, and then there are the masters. Here’s a simple break-down that you can choose to accept or not:

Level 1 Spiritual Teachers

They know their tradition, and they are guardians of it. They are unlikely to have awakened, and their main purpose is to help people learn their specific practices and belief system. This is like a Christian priest who knows the Bible very well.

Level 2 Spiritual Teachers

They know a specific tradition, and they had a profound spiritual opening through it. This is like a yoga teacher who once had an amazing spiritual experience through yoga. So this person teaches yoga to help others to achieve similar experiences.

Level 3 Spiritual Teachers

They have had an awakening, and they teach across multiple disciplines. They can interweave a lot of different religious and spiritual traditions because they can sense how things interconnect.

The final category is for the masters, who simply are. They don’t need to teach, but they can. They can use whatever tool [meditation, hugging, laughing, screaming, etc.] in the present moment to do the work they feel called to do. Their very presence and being already creates shifts in accordance to the divine plan, so it doesn’t matter what they do in the external world. Because doing and action in the external world is always secondary to being and presence, and the master embodies this awareness.

Enlightening the Path of the Seeker

In so many ways, the purpose of the spiritual teacher is about helping to illuminate the path. The spiritual path itself has become obscured by confusion. People think they have to meditate for a certain number of years, or they think they need to memorize the Bible or Buddhist tenets. They’re caught up in all the wrong ways, and then they are exceedingly disappointed when their efforts don’t get them anything.

Of course, you may already hear another part of the problem—people are trying to ‘get’ things. There’s truly nothing to get from the spiritual path, not even experiences. At each level of the spiritual path, the old parts fall away. Where words and ideas helped to create a structure, that scaffolding must be torn away. Consequently, as spiritual experiences and connections help to cultivate an even deeper awareness, those too must eventually be let go. Because spirituality isn’t in an experience or in an idea—it’s in us.

The true spiritual teacher knows this, and this teacher helps students to tear away all those things that are in the way of this awareness, so that the students simply see that enlightenment and the being of love that they wish to be is simply who they already are.

Conclusion

At its core, the spiritual teacher’s role is to help seekers shed the illusions and misconceptions that cloud their understanding of themselves. By guiding students back to their own inner wisdom, a true teacher reveals that enlightenment is not something to be attained but something that already exists within. The journey, as facilitated by a spiritual teacher, is about clearing away the barriers to self-realization, allowing students to discover that the peace, love, and awareness they seek have always been a part of who they are.

A version of this article first appeared in the March 2013 issue of Complete Wellbeing magazine (print edition).

Last updated on 19^th September 2024

The post The True Role of a Spiritual Teacher appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

According to the Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics, vegetarians tend to have lower LDL (bad cholesterol) levels, lower blood pressure, and lower incidence of type-2 diabetes as compared to meat eaters. Vegetarians also tend to have a lower BMI (body mass index), lower rates of various cancers, lower risk of chronic disease and of death from ischemic heart disease.

So, while abstaining from meat is indeed good not just for your spirit but also for your health—as emerging science has established—to be a true vegetarian one must go beyond mere dietary abstinence.

The characteristics of a true vegetarian

What are the marks of a ‘true vegetarian’? The true vegetarian, as I think of him, is filled through and through with reverence for life. He reveres life as a gift of God which no man can bestow and, therefore, will not destroy. Such a one has the following marks:

1. Love and compassion

His heart is a flowing river of compassion and love. The basis of true compassion is a feeling of unity, of oneness with all creatures that breathe the breath of life. I, and that tiny winged creature that hovers around a lamp, are one. Men and animals and birds, fish and fowl, moths and mosquitoes – all, all are one in the One without whom there is no other. To the true vegetarian, therefore, each life-unit is as dear and precious as his own life. To him every dumb creature of God is his own self wearing another body. And so the true vegetarian will not be a party to any movement for slaughter. On his banner are inscribed the words in letters of fire: Stop all slaughter!

2. Self-discipline

The true vegetarian is a person of self-discipline. There are many there are who do not eat flesh but, alas, yet they easily succumb to its lure. They cannot resist the temptations of the flesh. They are weak-minded: they have not put out the fire of passion. The true vegetarian is unswayed by passion, unruffled by anger, unmoved by greed and gold.

3. Humility

The true vegetarian is a man of humility. Deep in his heart he knows that he is not free from the sin of killing. For to breathe is to kill the germs that are in the air around us. To talk is to kill; to walk is to kill. Indeed, to live is to kill.

4. Prayer and worship

Living in such a world, the true vegetarian becomes a worshipper, a man of prayer. He sees cruelty all around him. How many hearts can he touch? How many lives can he save? And so he turns to Him who is the one saviour of all. The true vegetarian prays alike for the killer and the killed and he prays that he may become an instrument of God’s love in this world of anguish and pain.

5. Faith

The true vegetarian is a man of indomitable faith. He believes profoundly that life is entirely a gift of God. In periods of crisis, in times of famine and flood, his mind wavers not! He prefers starvation to eating impure food. To the Sufi dervish, Abu Ala Maeera, his physician said, “O man of God! Why will you not live longer and bless this earth? Drink this chicken soup I have brought for you and see how quickly health and strength returns to your feeble body.” The dervish laughed heartily and said, “Must you me the soup of a weak, defenseless creature who cannot strike back in return? Is it not worthy of you! Bring me the soup of a lion’s cub!”

★ November 25, the birthday of Sadhu T L Vaswani, is observed as International Vegetarian Day also known as SAK Meatless Day

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Dawn: a daily fiesta

A rooster crows to herald a new day. Gradually, the sky lightens and a chorus of birds, squirrels and cattle sounds waft in the wind. A startled peacock flaps noisily into the tall teak trees. Beyond the church, the river that was a silvery grey now turns to molten gold. In the pale sky, delicate egrets and majestic yellow beaked hornbills fly southwards. Every living creature is celebrating a new day dawning.

My most memorable sunrise was on the Matunga hill among the splendid ruins of the Vijayanagara Empire in Hampi. Climbing up the steep rock face was daunting and exhilarating. A few tourists had camped at the temple on the hillock since sunset the day before. Everyone was silent. Then, quite suddenly, one saw the Book of Genesis come alive. The sky seemed to separate from the water. Trees gradually became visible. Clouds lazed over the horizon. Birds flew high in the sky. And then dramatically, cinematically, the sun rose… like a majestic God arriving on a slow chariot. When it was finally light, a sunbeam pierced the clouds and illuminated the golden top of the sacred Virupaksha temple. This remarkable Divine choreography happens every single day.

Many Indians celebrate the dawn with a Surya Namaskara, a dip in a holy river, hands folded in prayer; sacred chants are whispered and yogic asanas contort the human form. This ritual awakening is celebrated each day in India. Sadly, in many countries, it is routine to tumble out of bed at the sound of an alarm and race through a jog or hurtle to work. It is as if the sun is a cursed intruder, a slave driver, a sad reminder that another day of hard work is at hand. A pity! There is much to celebrate every single day at dawn. If nature does it so instinctively, we should all become a part of the almost miraculous process we call a sunrise.

Watching the sun rise and infuse life into the earth and its wondrous beings is vital to the optimism that energises a person. It illuminates the soul after the dark of night and gives one hope and positivity that there are joyous events to behold for the next 12 hours.

And the revelries continue…

Every morning, after the celebration of the sunrise, a breakfast tray arrives near my favourite balcão. At my feet is my menagerie of pets. A blue eyed Harlequin Great Dane called Zeus, a fiesty boxer Sophia and an adorable daschund christened Tyra. Three out of five cats are also within stroking distance. They live in harmony with their canine friends.

On the tray sparkling in the weak sunshine is freshly squeezed juice, an array of glowing fruits and water drawn from the well attached to our kitchen. And between all this, a bit of style that always makes me smile—a flower from the garden.

The flower does not belong on a breakfast tray, but it sits there glorious and resplendent. Some days it is a white hibiscus. On others an assortment of jasmines, arums, or the flowers from fruit trees… like this morning. The delicate pink petals and multi-stamened flower of the jaam [love apple] tree that will bear fruit a month from now. The flower on every serving tray is not just style. It helps celebrate whatever is on offer. Whether green tea or a glass of champagne.

Triumph in creating something new

In my studio every evening there is a celebration of a different sort. After a day of draping, cutting and creating… each a wonderfully blissful process, we have a cluster of garments that makes us all smile.

I cannot explain the miracle of my work. One day, there is an idea in my head that becomes a sketch. The next day the sketch becomes a garment that we celebrate because it gives everyone a high that we made this object of beauty. A month later, it is applauded on ramp. And a few months later, I see it in a room, worn by someone I do not know. It has come to life in a very real space. It is no more some object on a hanger or on a mannequin. It is a moving, living entity as part of someone’s life. At that moment my heart is singing in celebration.

When one reads my memoir The Green Room, it is obvious that I am the eternal optimist, opportunist, travel addict, foodie and art aficionado. I cannot fathom people who wonder what to do with the time on their hands. I always tell them to go for a walk or a drive. Outside your home is a world of wonders. There is so much to appreciate. A child’s smile. A wild flower growing in between a rock. The aroma wafting off the basket of a fruit seller.

Even in a bustling city, we can encounter sights and emotions that can instill happiness. Many are for free. An art exhibition, a film festival, a book reading by a celebrated author. Celebrations all! There is a choice… always… of how you want to plan your day. I could simply run from a cab to the train at the end of the day. Or I can turn it into a celebration. I love to do the unusual. Instead of hurtling to platform two at CST station, I sneak into the main building, go to the topmost floor and watch the fascinating spectacle of traffic and people below me. It is exhilarating. And all it took was five minutes.

Last month I went to an exhibition in Delhi. Indian calligraphy on stone, wood, cloth and paper. Straight from the airport, I took a half hour break en route and I am so glad I did. It changed forever my vision of our country. Through objects of great beauty, I could see why we are one of the best countries on earth. Before me were the various scripts of India. Each different, each potent and every one of them fantastic. Which nation has so many scripts? Europe and the Americas have Roman and Greek. Japan has Japanese. China has Mandarin. But India…shall we start counting or shall we simply begin to celebrate?

I was watching Sridevi in the movie English Vinglish the other day. Every single sari was a celebration of our clothing legacy that we wear. Since over 4,000 years, we must be one of the few countries that wear our clothing heritage. It is a pity that even enlightened countries like China are now in the limited repertoire of Western casual wear.

Trailing through many countries and a fabulous assortment of cuisines, we have been fortunate to celebrate via travel. For my 50^th birthday, we took a cruise that began in Grenada, went round the Cape Horn and up to Acapulco. On the way, we saw the carnival in Rio, tango in Buenos Aires, penguins in the Falklands, Nazca lines in Chile and the most beautiful sunset in Torres del Paine in Patagonia.

Star studded finale to the day

When the day is done, my partner and I go on our little boat in the backwaters of the Mandovi. A cool breeze whispers against our skin. In that open expanse the sky looks bluer, the clouds more plentiful. We have learnt to identify each bird that flies past. And we know where large crocodiles inhabit the island of Corjuem or the Cambarjua canal. When I took Lisa Ray, Malaika Arora and my godchild Arhan into the small rivers, I could see the wonder in their eyes at this daily spectacle we enjoy.

Talking about Lisa, we have just dispatched her wedding dress to Canada. What a brave heart she is. Battling and winning a dreaded disease and embracing each day like it is a celebration gifted by God. Like her, we should celebrate each day. Not just on festivals and weddings. Those are special in any case and we Indians know how to do those in grand style.

Don’t miss » “I believe with all my heart that I will heal completely”—Lisa Ray

When light falls on the river and the sun seeps into the horizon, we steer our boat to our favourite spot in the river. The sky is pink above and like an ombre dyed fabric, orange at the horizon. The waters reflect this wondrous colour palette. This spot is almost sacred to us because of what transpires next.

From beyond the hills of Chorao Island arrives a fleet in the sky. We are in the daily migratory path of birds returning to roost from the South. Friends like Amitav Ghosh, Rahul Bose, Rahul Khanna and Orhan Pamuk, among many others, have gasped in wonder as tens, then hundreds, then thousands of birds float home in the pink sky. It is the perfect way to celebrate another beautiful day gone by.

It turns dark now. The planet Venus shines brightly. The stars come out and are reflected in the inky waters. Suddenly I see fireflies flitting about and it seems as if the stars are above, below and now flying between us. The fireflies are an indication that the monsoon is nigh—our beautiful Goan monsoon. Soon the hills will turn green and the fluorescent green paddy fields will flourish, turning the landscape from summer brown to verdant green. There is always something to celebrate on this earth!

The post A million reasons to celebrate appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

What about you? How well do you know yourself? Before you give yourself a congratulatory pat, remember that self-awareness is a multi-faceted construct. According to Tasha Eurich, organisational psychologist and New York Times best-selling author, it involves understanding “who we are, how others see us, and how we fit into the world.” In fact, she argues that self-awareness is the “meta-skill” of our current times as it underlies many skills that are deemed essential for success in today’s world. From emotional intelligence to empathy to cooperation and communication, self-awareness lies at the root of these competencies. Further, self-awareness is linked to greater wellbeing and more robust relationships.

Self-awareness is a scarce attribute

Contradictory to what we might believe about ourselves, self-awareness is not as abundant as it should be. Though we may readily point to others who lack this skill, how often do we examine our own self-awareness?

Eurich holds that self-assessments regarding this quality are both limiting and often downright wrong. To gain a more holistic and robust view, she breaks down self-awareness into internal and external dimensions. Internal self-awareness refers to “an inward understanding” of yourself—your thoughts, feelings, passions, preferences, predilections, purpose, reactions etc. On the other hand, external self-awareness involves “knowing how other people see you.”

Those who are high in both aspects are aware of their inner world while being cognizant of how others perceive them. However, research suggests that people can be low on either or both dimensions, with barely no correlation between the two facets. But the good news is that both aspects of self-awareness can be cultivated. In fact, Eurich has a made a career of studying people who have made significant gains in their self-awareness. She refers to them as unicorns.

According to Eurich’s research, those who score well on both dimensions of self-awareness usually display seven characteristics, which she calls the “seven pillars of insight.” First, self-aware unicorns are clear about the values and principles that steer their lives. Values serve as guideposts for our actions and help us define ourselves in terms of what really matters to us. Self-aware people are also able to identify their passions, the things they would do even if they weren’t paid for it. They are also able to articulate their aspirations, or the vision they have for themselves regarding life experiences and accomplishments without necessarily succumbing to conventional views of “success“.

Spotting patterns in self and others

As contextual factors play a significant role in our experiences, self-aware people gauge whether their environment fits into the larger scheme they have envisioned for themselves. Do you more often feel energised or drained in your current setting? Self-aware people also try to understand patterns, be it in their thoughts, emotions or actions, and assess their reactions in various situations. Especially under duress, we tend to react impetuously instead of responding in more measured and mature ways. Finally, unicorns try to fathom the impact they have on others by attempting to view the world from the perspective of others.

According to Eurich, the seven pillars espouse both internal and external aspects. While our “values, passions, aspirations and fit” may benefit more from self-reflection, other people will probably be able to comment on our “patterns, reactions, and impact.” However, for all seven features of self-awareness, it is best if we “gain both an internal and external perspective.”

Self-awareness is an ongoing phenomenon

At times, when we are in toxic or hostile environments, external feedback may be biased against us. While we may seek information from both internal and external sources, ultimately, we need to evaluate the validity of these judgments, almost as if we are a third party. Sometimes, our understanding of ourselves can be out of sync with reality, while in other situations, other people may not be motivated by our best interests. Many of us have blind spots or weaknesses that we don’t wish to acknowledge even to ourselves.

Thus, self-awareness is a fairly complex dance wherein we need to balance cues from multiple channels. Finally, self-awareness is a continual journey, wherein we have to keep adjusting our internal compass while gauging external situations.

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