• Introduction: What is codependency
• Top 10 signs of codependency in relationships
• Why we enter codependent relationships — Top 4 causes
• Interdependent Relationships — The secret to attracting healthy love
• Overcoming codependency – 4 methods to build an interdependent relationship with your partner

Introduction: What is codependency

We’re all addicts. Our drug of choice just differs. For some it’s alcohol or work, for others it’s gambling or sex—but in my decade of experience as a hypnotherapist—I’ve found that love is the most powerful of all addictions. It’s no surprise then, that the term codependency was coined by Alcoholics Anonymous in the 1950s to describe the partners of alcoholics as being “addicted to the addict.”

Codependency is an addiction to love. One that puts self-sacrifice above self-worth, and keeps partners trapped in one-sided, abusive and destructive relationships.

Let us unpack the common signs of codependency and explore the root causes so you can start to take the steps towards healthy, interdependent relationships rooted in self love.

Top 10 signs of codependency in relationships

Humans are hardwired for connection. The quality of these connections is a direct reflection of our own self-worth. This is exactly where codependency begins…

In relationships, codependency refers to a person who is dependent on someone else to define their sense of self-worth.

Below are the most common ways codependency shows up in our romantic relationships. However, you will probably find many of these patterns also carry over into our relationships at work, with friends and in everyday life.

1. Betraying yourself or your own needs in order to be accepted by your partner [i.e. neglecting self care, avoiding time with friends, etc.]
2. Engaging in harmful behaviour [emotionally, physically] to please your partner
3. Struggle setting boundaries and holding partners accountable
4. Excessive perfectionism and people pleasing behavior with your partner
5. Separation anxiety and constant fear of abandonment from your partner
6. Obsessive focus on your partner’s behaviour [i.e. snooping through phone, suspecting of cheating, etc.]
7. Overshare or overgive emotionally, financially, physically to your partner
8. Overly controlling or nagging of partner
9. Insecure and in need of reassurance, low self-esteem [i.e. constantly comparing, judgment, self-criticism]
10. Constantly feel the need to be in a relationships [quickly jump from one to the next, struggles being alone]

While codependency can manifest in different ways in adult life, the cause is often traced back to the same place—childhood.

Why we enter codependent relationships — Top 4 causes

The roots of codependency start in childhood, defined by our parents and early experiences. When you do not experience a stable, supportive and nurturing environment, you lack the ability to cultivate healthy self-love and self-esteem.

In turn, you seek another person to define your own sense of self. This creates an insecure attachment style that causes emotional addiction and self-abandonment—further perpetuating codependency.

The root cause

For those trapped in this toxic cycle, the root cause is often one of nature, nurture, or a mix of both:

1. Overprotective parents

These are typically people that say “I had the perfect childhood, I don’t get what’s wrong with me.” When this parenting happens, they remove too much risk or adversity from the child’s life in order to avoid rejection. There is often a lot of guilt and pressure put on the child to please the parents with the partners they choose – putting their desires second.

2. Under-protective parents

These codependents struggle the most with abandonment. They often describe themselves as “latch key kids” who had workaholics as parents. This causes the child to be overly independent and overly giving – carrying that into relationships which often put them in a position to be taken advantage of.

3. Childhood trauma/wounded inner-child

While these codependency wounds most often come from parenting—friends, peers, teachers, mentors also have a major impact. Whether you experienced emotional or physical abuse, bullying, rejection—they impress upon the subconscious mind, which forms until age 12—and these experiences ultimately shape our self-esteem and self-worth. They show up in adulthood as a wounded inner child – seeking approval and validation at the expense of their true desires and needs.

4. Genetics — Addicted or mentally ill parents

If you grew up with a parent suffering from addiction, you got a front row seat into codependency. The term was first created to describe the relationship between an addict and their drug. Research has found children raised by parents suffering from mental illness like anxiety, depression, NPD [narcissistic personality disorder], or BPD [borderline personality disorder] are at a greater risk of codependent relationships.

Interdependent relationships — The secret to attracting healthy love

The cure to codependency is interdependence.

Interdependence forms when partners recognise and value the bond they share while maintaining a positive sense of self within the dynamic. The complete opposite of codependency, partners encourage personal development, autonomy and growth as individuals. In healthy, interdependent relationships, partners do not rely on each other for feelings of self-worth. It’s a perfect balance, where the connection comes without compromise.

Below are some of the common signs of healthy, interdependent relationships:

• You both invest ample time in personal interests — do not feel guilt, shame or sacrifice when doing so
• You engage in healthy, two-sided communication that validates each other’s feelings
• You feel safe being honest and vulnerable with each other
• You find personal fulfillment through your own interests and accomplishments as well as the relationship.

If you seek more trust, freedom and individuality in your relationship, interdependency is the answer.

Overcoming codependency — 4 methods to build an interdependent relationship with your partner

Codependence says – “I need you. I can’t be without you. You make me better.”

Interdependence says – “I want you. We make a great team. You inspire me to be better.”

The path to independence starts when you commit to self-love.

4 methods to heal your relationship with yourself and attract a healthy partner

Consider any of the following four methods to heal the relationship with yourself and attract healthy, interdependent partners:

1. Explore inner child work to heal past trauma

Revisiting past childhood trauma or beliefs systems will help you understand the root cause of patterns you are recreating in adulthood. This work focuses on reprogramming the subconscious blocks keeping you tied to unhealthy relationship patterns and repairing your self esteem.

2. Clearly define your desires, values and non-negotiables with partners

Before you can commit to a partner, you need to commit to yourself as an individual. All too often, we feel unworthy of our desires or core needs and accept the bare minimum. Explore journaling or vision boarding to connect to your wants. What matters most to you? What are some of your core beliefs? What do you value? Be upfront with your needs and expectations.

3. Engage in healthy self talk and affirmations with yourself

The basis for interdependence is defined by the relationship you have with yourself. This requires daily nurturing and attention. Take as little as 20 minutes a day, just for you. Explore positive affirmations, meditation, mirror work. Write yourself a love letter, show yourself the love, worthiness and respect you want to receive from others.

4. Practice vulnerability with your partner

The key to an interdependent relationship is vulnerability—feeling you can turn to your partner for intimacy, support, and affection without the fear or control. Schedule regular check-in’s with your partner. Share your fears, discuss your hopes, ask for what you need, try something new together.

Conclusion

Our ability to attract healthy love is a direct reflection of our ability to love ourselves. Committing to a path of self-love is a process, and awareness is the first step. If you’re on the path to recovery from codependency my best advice is this: start small, take it slow and stay consistent.

The post Codependency vs. Interdependence: The Art of Healthy Relationships appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Of course, it was difficult for me. She didn’t hide her pain or zip it up safely inside for the sake of others, the way I was used to doing. Theresa was living in the centre of that hurt, anger and confusion. I don’t think I had ever let myself go that far. Sure, I’d been hurt, but I didn’t allow myself to be wounded. I may not have known it then, but Theresa was already so far ahead of me. She was going to be authentic no matter what the cost. “I’m not even transparent,” she tells me now. “I’m translucent. I can’t hide stuff.” But at the time, that was all I was good at.

Holding my friend in her time of pain

Sitting across from her, I felt like such an impostor. I hid the fact that I was scared, that I hadn’t yet experienced that typhoon of emotion, the life event that brings you to your knees. How was I supposed to help her if I hadn’t gone through it myself? So I just listened. I let her talk. I let her be silent. I stood witness to where she was at that moment. It was all I knew how to do.

But to Theresa, even my slapdash style of help meant the world to her. “Certain people don’t know how to negotiate pain. You held my pain in your hands like a slippery warm egg. I knew it wouldn’t break, not in your hands.” To hear those words now, I’m in awe of her. The level of trust that she brought to our friendship made me begin to trust myself. I was going to need it. My own storm was already on the horizon.

She didn’t hide her pain or zip it up safely inside for the sake of others, the way I was used to doing

I was his rock

It’s been about eight months since I’ve spoken with my nephew. He’s 16 now and has changed into someone who I don’t really recognise. Maybe all parents feel this way, but I wasn’t supposed to be his parent. I was supposed to be the fun aunt, who got to take him out for ramen and gyoza, and to films where people swear in different languages. But as time went by, I began to really care about that boy. Maybe because someone had to. His home life wasn’t ever stable after the divorce of his parents. He needed a rock, and I was it.

That’s probably why it hurts so much more now that he’s not in my life. Sometimes I wonder what I could have done differently? Other times, I’m angry with myself for opening up my heart, only to get hurt. There are even times when I catch myself reminiscing about his childhood. I see us laughing so hard, we’re rolling on the floor. I know this is the path he’s chosen, that the journey to being a man has some parts where you travel alone. But it’s hard to let go. It’s hard to be hurt.

I understood loss

Some time later, I truly understood what Theresa was feeling. I haven’t gone through a failed adoption, but I experienced someone, whom I had opened my whole heart to, walk right out of my life. I understood loss. I understood those feelings of confusion, anger and hurt. I knew what it was like to be brought to your knees. If Theresa had seen me during this time, she would have recognised the vacant look in my eyes, the taste of heartache in the air. But I didn’t let her in on my suffering. I wasn’t as brave as she was. Still, throughout this whole process, Theresa has been on my mind. I realise now that she’s the strongest person I know. And not just for surviving life’s trials but for allowing me to see that fragile part of herself, for trusting me with her tired heart, for accepting my vain attempts to try to make her feel better. Whether I like it or not, she’s been trying to do that for me now.

If Theresa had seen me during this time, she would have recognised the vacant look in my eyes, the taste of heartache in the air

You may ask, what’s the point of vulnerability?

You may want to save yourself all that hurt. Stay at home and eat cup-o-noodles for one. I guess I could look at things that way too. But I’ve lived enough life to know that the lesson isn’t always visible. The thing about vulnerability is that sometimes you will get hurt, and you’ll get hurt bad. I don’t want to deny that that’s not a possibility, having gone through my own private tour of hell. But the experience of being vulnerable, of holding your precious heart out to someone else, opened my world so much more than it would have been. If I hadn’t let my nephew into my heart, I wouldn’t see the world the way I do now. The colours are richer, the feelings are deeper and the tastes are more immediate. And wouldn’t you want to read something from a writer who has tasted despair and hurt, joy and elation with all of her being rather than someone holed up in the middle of nowhere, not living?

What being vulnerable taught Theresa

Theresa has said that the experience of that adoption journey has made her more grateful for the two beautiful children she was finally able to adopt. “I definitely appreciate my kids more. I appreciate the kids for their strength. We all fought to get to each other.” And while she’s still healing from losing her first adopted child, she acknowledges all the gifts she’s gained because of it. “My children, when they hear that story someday about the brother they have but don’t have will be able to appreciate vulnerability as a strength. If that story hadn’t happened, they wouldn’t have happened. I want my kids to value vulnerability.”

Vulnerability deepens the connection between two people. it makes your life richer

But she also acknowledges that vulnerability is a never-ending process. “Parenthood, it flays you open on a daily basis. Things you didn’t think would hurt you, do. When my daughter doesn’t want to kiss me good night, it hurts. But it’s birthing. I keep telling myself that we’re not done yet,” she says. And we will never be done. But with each encounter, we will love deeper and hope deeper. We will not be afraid to show our hearts. Isn’t that what it means to be human?

Vulnerability deepens the bond

When you’re vulnerable, it means you’re open. You’re allowing yourself to be yourself, to be authentic. In a relationship, this quality is non-negotiable. If you’re only going to hide behind your veneer, the other person will never truly get to know you with all your quirks and flaws. When we are vulnerable, it allows us to be receptive to love, and it gives the other person an opportunity to give love and practise compassion. Vulnerability deepens the connection between two people. And it makes your life richer.

The post Vulnerable folks live richer lives appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Vulnerability is good

Emotional and physical independence come easily to men and women these days. I am quite sceptical about ‘open’ and ‘free’ marriages, where husbands and wives give each other the ‘freedom’ to do as they please. Long-distance marriages, which are becoming common nowadays, alarm me.

I always think that it is good to develop a healthy sense of ‘dependence’ on your spouse. I think there is something valuable about a relationship where husband and wife need each other, and are vulnerable without the other’s support.

Are you married strangers?

Consider a couple who are leading “full, active lives” as they put it. The husband is a busy executive; he jet-sets all over the world attending seminars, conferences and business meetings every other day. He entertains customers, foreign collaborators and visiting consultants to lunch or dinner at five-star hotels; and at weekends, he relaxes by playing golf with select friends…

As for the wife, she is ‘into’ yoga and fitness, she visits fashion designers; she is a regular member of the Ladies’ club where she plays cards with her friends every day. She is also learning to design jewellery and hopes to open her own outlet soon.

They are beginning to go in separate revolving circles and are in danger of becoming married strangers. They live under the same roof, eat at the same table and share a bed every night… but they are drifting apart.

They must learn to be flexible. Each should be willing to change, give in just a little for the sake of the marriage. They should spare more time to be in each other’s company. They should spend more time with the children. They should ‘loosen’ their schedules and deadlines so that their marriage does not suffer. They should work for change. They should work to keep their love fresh!

Nobody wants to live an emotionally barren existence. No one likes to live in a separate revolving circle!

The secret is love and patience

A highly respected marriage counsellor tells people: “Take the trouble to study your partner. Make an effort to understand her. Consider him as a rare and fascinating object. Study her constantly. Understand his likes and dislikes. Appreciate her strengths and weaknesses. Be sensitive to his moods and feelings. If you wish to live successfully with your spouse, you must get to know the person better each and every day. You must learn to know what pleases her, you must know what upsets him, you must know when to encourage her and when not to push him too hard. In other words, do not ever take your partner for granted.”

Many men take quick decisions—and having once made up their minds, stick to their guns. Women, on the other hand, have a tough time taking decisions. There are so many issues and considerations which sway them. This calls for a significant adjustment—but it can be accomplished with love and patience.

Keep your love fresh

There was a lady who needed to travel to the US to be with her daughter who was about to give birth to her first child. It was decided that she would travel in February, for the confinement was expected in March. The husband would fly out to join them in April, after the baby was born.

Accordingly, the flight reservations were made. The mother was to fly out on February 1st. On 28^th January, she developed mild blood pressure. The doctor assured them that it was nothing serious, and that she could fly as scheduled.

“I think I’ll fly a little later,” she said to her husband. He readily agreed. The flight was changed to 5^th February, and the daughter was informed.

On 3^rd February, the lady was afflicted with a severe allergy. “I’ll leave on the 10th”, she pleaded with her husband. And he agreed.

On 8th February, she began to suffer from acidity. When the father called his daughter in the US, she said to him, “Papa, I suggest you fly in with Mama. I think she doesn’t want to travel alone without you.”

The husband was a kind and loving man. He said to his wife, “Honey, there’s no need for you to feel so tense. We shall fly together to be with our daughter. Does that make you feel better?”

The wife cheered up instantly. Her numerous afflictions disappeared miraculously. In gratitude and appreciation, she held her husband’s hand and said to him, “Thank you! The truth is that I did not want to leave you and go alone!”

Eventually, the daughter sent them fresh reservations to fly together to the US on the February 14^th—St. Valentine’s Day! They knew how to keep their love fresh!

Excerpted with permission from 10 Commandments of A Successful Marriage by J. P. Vaswani published by Sterling Publishers.

14^th February is Valentine’s Day!

The post Dada Vaswani shows how to keep your love fresh appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Published by: Vermilion

ISBN: 9780091955038

Pages: 288

Price: INR 599

The book’s cover states, “The physics of vulnerability is simple: if we are brave enough, often enough, we will fall. Being brave and falling helps us grow and changes us for the better.”

Social scientist and best-selling author Dr Brené Brown has spent several years studying vulnerability, courage, authenticity and shame. While her previous two books are a “call to arms” to wholehearted living, this third book is all about acknowledging the desperation, the shame, and the vulnerability that comes along with failure, and rising up to own our story.

When Dr Brown talks about failure, it is not just in some large-scale professional endeavour, but also the personal heartbreaks and catastrophes in our lives. She addresses the complex nature of failure, reminding us that we tend to “gold-plate” failure and grit, sugar-coating the process and the pain involved in falling and in deciding to rise again. The book is not about the tired cliché of failure being the stepping stone to success.

Rising strong from our failures involves a three-step process:

1.  The Reckoning: Walking into our story and recognising that a button has been pushed and that we are about to explode with negative or undesirable emotion.
2. The Rumble: Owning our story by being honest about what we tell ourselves, by admitting our deeper emotions of shame, guilt, blame, and being willing to revisit and challenge these self-narratives to arrive at the truth of who we are and how we engage with others.
3. The Revolution: Writing a new ending and changing how we engage with the world on a permanent basis.

Of these three steps, the Rumble is the messiest: the place of the greatest struggle, and, a non-negotiable part of the process—to become aware of the story we’re telling ourselves about our hurt, anger, frustration or pain. In an effort to come out smelling of roses, we tend to glorify our recovery and the redemptive ending while casting off the emotional darkness that engulfs us when we are down, face-in-the-dirt, struggling.

The book suggests that we write down our raw emotions and feelings at this stage of rumbling—what is called the SFD [“shitty first draft”, as per the author]—without filtering the experience or worrying about how our story makes us look. Then we examine our self-defeating assumptions by asking:

• What do I know objectively?
• What more do I need to learn and understand about the other people in the story?
• What more do I need to learn and understand about myself?

Now we can look for the delta—or space—between the story we make up and a more objective truth.

“Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage.”

As with the previous two books, Rising Strong is rich with anecdotes from Dr Brown’s own life. Early in the book, she shares a story about a tough moment that surprised her while swimming across a lake with her husband during a family vacation. Her self-doubt, emotional reaction, anger and pain will resonate well with readers who have had a similar experience. Instead of painting herself into perfection, Dr Brown tears apart that experience to seek the truth about her story and learn to own it, and thereby engage from a place of understanding and compassion.

“We can choose courage or we can choose comfort, but we can’t have both. Not at the same time.”

Our thoughts, actions and feelings are like a three-legged stool, each equally important to make a positive change in our lives. Positive thoughts combined with negative feelings will not lead to positive actions. Off-loading, bouncing, or numbing our hurts, or even stockpiling or bottling them up, or simply denying them, is not the way to deal with our deep dark pain.

Borrowing from Newton’s Third Law of Motion, Dr Brown proposes that for every emotion we feel, there is a definite response elicited in us. When angry, we can mindlessly lash out or we can be aware of what we’re really feeling and adjust how we respond. We learn that to be vulnerable and resilient is the best way to engage with the world so as not to be paralysed by fear of failure or hide behind the veil of perfectionism.

This was first published in the February 2016 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

The post The triumph of vulnerability: Rising Strong By Dr Brené Brown appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.