I have immense respect for Alexander Pope’s contribution to literature and spiritual thought and have no doubt that when he wrote this piece of wisdom his intent was to promote love and forgiveness over hatred and resentment. Unfortunately, we tend to use the idea that forgiveness is divine as an excuse not to forgive. “I am not God! I am only human, so I can’t forgive,” say many bitter men and women. To these people I say, there’s nothing divine about forgiveness—it’s an out and out human act.

Why God never forgives

You see, forgiveness becomes necessary only when there is blame. And blame arises out of judgement, which, in turn comes from a belief in duality—good/bad, right/wrong, love/hate, blessing/curse, noble/wicked and so on.

So, while we humans are always censuring this deed and condemning that behavior, I cannot imagine the ‘creator’ doing the same. The creator, if there is one, would be free of judgements and hence incapable of blame.That is why I believe that God cannot forgive. For, where there is no blame, there is no question of forgiveness.

When we elevate forgiveness to the level of the divine, we push it away. We make it an epic phenomenon that is within the reach of only the most evolved men and women. Ironically, such enlightened beings have no need to forgive because they have, like God, ceased to blame.

Nelson Mandela’s story

Former US President Bill Clinton was intrigued by Nelson Mandela’s dignified exit from prison in 1990 after spending 27 years there. Many years later, when he met him, he asked him, “Come on, you were a great man, you invited your jailers to your inauguration, you put your pressures on the government. But tell me the truth. Weren’t you really angry all over again?” And Mandela replied, “Yes, I was angry. And I was a little afraid. After all I’ve not been free in so long. But,” he continued, “when I felt that anger well up inside of me I realised that if I hated them after I got outside that gate then they would still have me.” And he smiled and said, “I wanted to be free so I let it go.”

“It was an astonishing moment in my life. It changed me,” Clinton later wrote about this dialogue.

Mandela’s greatness stems from being able to acknowledge that he is human—he felt anger and fear too. His forgiveness is about freeing himself from the prison of hatred, anger, and bitterness—which purified his heart and took him close to the divine.

Also read » The Prime Beneficiary of Forgiveness Is the One Who Forgives

To forgive is human

Bestselling author and spiritual teacher Dr Wayne Dyer calls our need to forgive a “monumental misperception”. In his view, to which I subscribe wholeheartedly, forgiveness helps us transcend the negative effects of blame—an emotional prison that we escape.

Forgiveness is perhaps among the highest of human acts but it is still human. We always forgive for the sake of our own freedom. So to err is human and to forgive is also human. But to go beyond blame and forgiveness—that is divine.

A version of this article first appeared in the September 2012 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

Last updated on 2^nd August 2024

The post Here’s Why God Never Forgives appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

In this article I will take you through each of the four stages stage of forgiveness to help you start forgiving because, as you will see, it is so vital to your health, happiness and peace of mind.

The Four Stages of Forgiveness

1. Hurt

The first stage of forgiveness is hurt. Someone has wronged me, done something mean to me; someone has been unfair to me and I cannot forget it; I feel hurt. The hurt keeps on throbbing within me. It is here that we must remember that it is not I who feels hurt, but the ego.

A woman met a holy man and confessed that she had resentment in her heart against a prominent sister of the community. The holy man said to her, “Go to her immediately. Don’t try to justify or excuse yourself. Tell her that you have had an unkind thought about her. Be humble and ask for forgiveness.”

The woman said, “I can’t do that. I can’t forget the hurt she had inflicted on me.”

The woman was at the first stage – the stage of hurt. Those that are at this stage naturally hold grudges, not realizing that those who hold a grudge injure themselves more than the ones against whom the grudge is held.

Hatred and malice, like anger and worry, bring harm to the body, since they poison the blood. And they keep on increasing, for, “a grudge is the only thing that does not get better when it is nursed.”

2. Hate

Hurt leads to hate, which is the second stage. I cannot forget how much I have been hurt and so cannot send out thoughts of goodwill to my enemy. In some cases, I hate the person so much that I want him or her to suffer, as much as I am suffering.

Madam Chiang Kai-Shek hated the Japanese. Her mother was a pious woman who prayed often. Madam Chiang said to her, “Why don’t you pray to God that He may drown Japan in the waters of the ocean?”

Her mother, of course, said to her, “My child, how can I offer such an evil prayer?”

An artist once painted Hatred as an old man shriveled up, pale as death, clutching in his claws lighted torches and serpents, and cruelly tearing out his own heart with black, decayed teeth. Asked to explain the significance of the picture, the artist said, “Hatred is an old man because it is as ancient as mankind; pale because he who hates, torments himself and lives a tragic life; with claws because it is so unmerciful; with torches and serpents because it creates discord; and it tears out its heart because it is self-destructive.”

3. Healing

Hurt leads to hate. Then comes the third stage—healing. God’s grace descents on me and I begin to see the person who has hurt me in a new light. I begin to understand his or her difficulty. My memory is healed and I am free again.

A girl came to a holy man and said, “I know not why, but I am unable to sit in silence and pray or meditate. I feel restless. I used to be so happy.”

The holy man asked, “Why do you think is it so?”

The girl answered, “I think it has something to do with one whom, at one time, I regarded as a friend. But she was very cruel to me, and I said that I would never forgive her, never talk to her. I am sorry I said it, but since then there has been no peace in my heart. What shall I do?”

The holy man said, “It is better to break a bad vow than to keep it. Go to her and seek her forgiveness.”

The next morning, she went to her friend and confessed her uncharitable attitude and asked her forgiveness.

The one whose forgiveness was sought burst into tears. She said, “You have come to ask for forgiveness. It is I who should be asking for forgiveness, for I am ashamed of my wrong attitude.”

The two friends were reconciled.

4. Coming together

After healing comes the fourth stage of coming together. I am anxious to make friends with the person who hurt me; I invite him into my life. I share my love with him and we both move to a new and healed relationship.

Conclusion

Forgiveness isn’t reserved only for the saints and sages. It is not a feat of supernatural power. It is just about letting go of the hurtful past, once and for all. It is a way of moving on. Forgiveness asks you to see things differently, look at life from a new perspective. It is the realization that we cannot stay bitter and angry for the rest of our lives.

Forgiveness and love are really two sides of the same coin. And love, as you know, is the strongest force in the world.

The post Dada Vaswani Shares the Four Stages of Forgiveness appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

A Story to Illustrate the Power of Letting Go

There’s a little story that beautifully illustrates the simple power of letting go. A professor holds up a glass of water and asks his class how much it weighs. Various answers are thrown up and the professor admits that they won’t know for sure unless they weigh it. He then asks them what would happen if he held the glass up like that for an hour. Of course his hands would pain, say his students. The professor then asks them what would happen if he held up the glass like that for an entire day. His students laugh and say that he would definitely get some severe muscle problems—maybe even paralysis. But did the weight of the glass change at all, however much time you hold it up, queries the professor. So what causes this muscle ache and stress? Why not put it down, chorus the students. “Exactly!” says the professor.

Life’s problems are something like this. Hold it for a few minutes in your head and they seem fine. Think of them for a long time and they begin to ache. Hold it even longer and they begin to paralyze you. You will not be able to do anything. It’s important to think of the problems in your life, but even more important to “put them down” at the end of every day before you go to sleep. That way, you are not stressed, you wake up every day fresh and strong and can handle any issue, any challenge that comes your way.

Letting go is our way of embracing life, of living in each moment, engagingly and refreshingly.

Why Letting Go Is the Key to Health and Happiness

The simple act of letting go has profound benefits—physical, mental and spiritual.

Holding on, on the other hand, makes us more vulnerable to health problems. For instance anger and hostility are prime suspects in heart diseases. Gastric problems, including acidity and irritable bowel syndrome [IBS] owe their onset to pent-up emotions. This phenomenon is known as somatization, the tendency to translate repressed emotions into actual physical symptoms.

Emotion, kept in cold storage, and reheated and rehashed, is a sure recipe for looking and feeling old. We become susceptible to allergies, racked by chronic ailments, and the more we remain locked in old patterns, the more we close ourselves to new experiences. Just imagine how much energy we expend each day just holding on to all these things, and the frustration, disappointment, anger, and sadness that we accumulate as a result.

Psychologically, letting go is invaluable in building ourselves up from within. We learn from experiences instead of being carried away by their emotional content. We learn to accept and remain neutral, not allowing anger to fuel an already volatile situation, make choices with clarity and without fear.

Related » The Dangers of Emotional Suppression

How to Practice Letting Go in Daily Life

So, how can we let go? How can we release that which keeps us blocked? How can we let clogged up patterns and emotions flow on, away from us? Here are three suggestions to help you “loosen up” and embrace what life has to offer.

1. Practice forgiveness

Forgiveness is extremely liberating. It frees us; and though we may not excuse the act, we can forgive the person who committed it. Thus, we allow negativity and resentment to loosen its tenacious grip on our psyche, and open ourselves to leading a happier life in the present. It is a decision to let go of resentments, while not condoning the act. Forgiveness is the act of untying yourself from thoughts and feelings that bind you to the offense committed against you. Medically, it has proven effects—lower blood pressure, stress reduction, lower heart rate, better anger management skills and enhanced interpersonal relations.

2. De-clutter your mind

Just as you clean your closets and sanitize your homes, how about taking time out—perhaps once a month— to sit down and evaluate exactly what you have kept in your mind? What is it that you have “hoarded” that is bogging you down, hampering your productivity, decreasing your efficiency and pulling you down? Then, simply let it go. Let go for a few minutes each day to start with and then for a longer duration, till it becomes second nature to not think about it. It will be difficult at first, but with meditation and practice, you will master the skill. You will feel so rejuvenated; you will be tempted not to look back.

3. Try creative visualization to let go

This is a process through which you harness the power of your mind to meet your objectives. Picture yourself releasing, letting go of all that is holding you back from peace, contentment, health and happiness. It could be an old resentment, a co-worker’s bad attitude and your hostile feelings associated with him/her, or a lost love. Next, picture yourself exactly as you want to be. Make sure you see this very clearly.

Once you’ve got the picture in your head, think of it often. Not only when you are relaxing or meditating, but also through the day. This is the process of sending that positive energy out into the universe. The more positive energy you send out, the more you will get back.

Lastly, believe that the person you visualize is really you, free from painful attachments and negative memories, already having “let go”. Any disbelief is negative energy, and will counteract what you’re trying to achieve. And once you see it come true, acknowledge that you made it happen. Give yourself a pat on the back. To reward is to reinforce the feeling, energizing it to make it your.

4. Use a Prop

Another powerful technique through which you can release the need to respond to whatever it is that is stirring up your emotions is to visualize and practice this by holding a small, unbreakable item [like a coin or eraser] in your open hand. Imagine that this item is a physical manifestation of what is bothering you; this problem is literally in the palm of your hand. Now, close your fist around the object as tight as you can. Notice the energy that it takes to hold it in such a manner. You may even be squeezing it so hard that it hurts, and you can feel your muscles fatiguing. Keep squeezing, but turn your hand over so your knuckles are up and your palm is facing down. Now – here’s the secret – take a deep breath and just open your hand, letting whatever it is you were clutching simply fall on the floor. This, in essence, is letting go.

You don’t have to have a physical object to practice letting go, but it can be very useful in the beginning to help you develop this response to life’s stressors. You may even consider carrying a small stone, or other items, in your pocket that you can use throughout the day as necessary while you hone this skill.

Regardless of whether or not you use a prop, the idea is that rather than trying to get a better grip on the situation and trying to control it so fiercely that it’s fatiguing, you let it go instead. It certainly seems counter-intuitive, but that only reflects our fear-based desire to exert control over situations that seem to be threatening.

Letting go offers an opportunity to relax into an uncomfortable situation instead of pushing against it. This approach helps calm the mind and nerves, slows down your breathing and racing heartbeat, and makes space for thinking that is less emotionally charged and more likely to be productive.

Conclusion

Letting go of tension and energy that have you emotionally bound up does not mean that the problem at hand will probably simply disappear. But that’s okay because letting go isn’t about evading problems. Rather, it is about giving you an opportunity to release yourself from your own spiraling negative emotions.

Letting go can be very useful for helping you to come back to your center in everyday situations. As with most things, practicing it often will result in greater flexibility and facility. When used frequently, it can literally transform your life.

This is an updated version of the article that first appeared in the September 2008 issue of Complete Wellbeing magazine.

The post How to Practice Letting Go in Daily Life appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

At first glance, it may seem too gentle to make a real difference. But many who’ve tried it find that repeating the phrases brings a surprising sense of calm and clarity. This article explains how Ho’oponopono works and how to use it as a daily practice for inner peace and healing.

Quick Summary: How to Practice Ho’oponopono

At the heart of Ho’oponopono is a simple practice of repeating four phrases — silently or aloud — while holding in mind a situation, memory, or person that needs healing. The  four phrases are:

I’m sorry

Please forgive me

Thank you

I love you

These phrases not directed at anyone in particular. Rather, they are spoken to life itself, as a way of cleaning one’s inner space and allowing peace to return.

Ho’Oponopono Explained

Ho’Oponopono is a traditional Hawaiian prayer to help heal your body and mind.

Ho’Oponopono has been used in the Kahuna Community to not only heal an individual but also to resolve conflicts between its members. In the Hawaiian language, “Ho’O” stands for healing, and “ponopono” means to mend, to reform or to fix something.

Modern Ho’Oponopono was brought to our awareness by a psychologist in Hawaii named Dr. Hew Len, who claimed to have healed an entire insane asylum in Hawaii by practicing this system. I am not going to write about his story, although it is powerful and can look it up online. Instead, I am going to talk to you about how I have internalized this practice and the difference it has made in my life.

How to Use The Four Phrases of Ho’Oponopono

I am sorry, Please Forgive me, Thank You, I love You. Simply repeat these four phrases of Ho’Oponopono like a mantra, over and over again in that space that you discovered where you had that destructive thought or aggressive attitude. Go to that inner place, close your eyes, and inwardly repeat these four phrases. You can say them to yourself, to the divine, or even to another.

This is your conversation with the divine, so honor it, and know that there is no wrong way to practice. Repeat, “I am sorry for my participating in the energy of destruction. Please forgive me and clean this space inside of me. I thank you for bringing this information to my awareness so I can clean and clear it. And I surround you with love. I love you.”

These four phrases: “I am sorry, Please forgive me, I thank you and I love you”, have been known to have the same frequency as that created by monks meditating. The result from this practice is amazing. It is simple, you don’t ask for forgiveness to get, or to change, anything. Your sole purpose with forgiveness is to cleanse yourself. It’s like taking a shower. Showering works and does its job, but we have to do it every day to remain clean. The same is true of forgiveness. We practice Ho’Oponopono to become—and stay—clean.

You may also like » A 4-step guide on how to forgive someone (anyone!)

How Does Ho’Oponopono Work

Ho’Oponopono works primarily at two levels:
1. Clearing your subconscious mind of the negative emotions and thoughts that it has gathered during the course of daily life;
2. By identifying the triggers of your negative emotions so that you can transmute them into positive ones.

Let’s understand these in detail.

1. The Four Phrases of Ho’Oponopono Unclog Your Subconscious

We live from one of two spaces:

• Memory—where past information is constantly replaying in your subconscious, or
• Inspiration—where divine ideas are placed within and rise to the surface.

This comes from the understanding that all ideas are sent to you through the divine, they sink deep into our subconscious and slowly rise to our conscious mind. The more memory or data that is stuck in your subconscious and replaying, the longer it takes for you to realize these ideas.

We can tell if we are living from memory by the amount of triggers that we have in our day. Triggers are usually the replaying of old memory that has clogged us up. This means that if we are clogged with memories, it becomes hard to be free and clear in the moment, staining the perspective of the world we are currently living in. Therefore, most events become a trigger to our old wounds and make us react or participate in the drama.

2. The Prayer Helps in Identifying the Trigger

Forgiveness allows us to shift into a different energy zone. The whole concept begins around the idea that suffering exists because of lack of responsibility. When any party takes responsibility for the suffering, asks for forgiveness, and releases it back to the divine, all is cleansed.

This is a hard pill to swallow for many, but most life-changing techniques are. So yes, the man that cut you off in traffic, that murderer on the news, or the problems going on at work—they all exist inside of you too. Now this is not a tit-for-tat concept. I am not saying you are a murderer, but when you look a little deeper to see how that event triggers you, you will get an answer. Maybe when you think about that murderer, you initially get upset, but with a little introspection and asking yourself what this makes you feel within, you get a sense of the energy of destruction and aggression. These are within you. The murderer on the news may have triggered this energy, but the energy exists within you.

This is great news, because the only thing you can change is yourself. Once you see that you too have participated in thoughts of destruction, or an attitude of aggression, you also see that this space needs the healing work. This is where your work begins. No one can tell you what is being triggered in you. You have to ask yourself that question. Whenever you notice an inner disturbance created by something going on outside of yourself, it becomes an opportunity to practice this new approach.

Related » The prime beneficiary of forgiveness is the one who forgives

The Key Takeaway

Becoming aware of everything that disturbs you and looking for your role in it is a challenging process, but it will grow your spirit and change the way you see your world. Once you find your triggers, and own them, you are empowered to become a part of the healing. If you can own and stand in that space for a moment long enough to repeat these Ho’Oponopono phrases, you will begin to clean and clear your past gunk that is getting in the way of your future. These four phrases put a powerful application process to that age old saying: “Forgive and forget”.

Frequently Asked Questions

• What are the four phrases of Ho’oponopono?

They are: I’m sorry, Please forgive me, Thank you, I love you. These phrases are repeated as part of a self-cleansing process to bring clarity and peace.

• Do I have to say the phrases out loud?

No. You can say them silently in your mind. What matters is the sincerity behind the repetition, not the volume.

• Do I need to believe in anything specific for Ho’oponopono to work?

No. Ho’oponopono is not tied to any religion or belief system. It works as an internal practice of taking responsibility and clearing emotional residue.

• How long should I repeat the phrases?

There’s no fixed duration. You can say them a few times in the moment, or repeat them over several minutes. Some people make it part of their daily routine.

• Can this really help with relationships or emotional pain?

Many people have found relief by using Ho’oponopono regularly. The practice doesn’t solve problems directly; instead, it shifts the energy you bring to them — which often changes what happens next.

This is an updated version of the article that first appeared in the March 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing magazine.

Last updated on 5^th July 2025 with additional context. 

The post Ho’oponopono Explained: How 4 Phrases Can Shift Your Inner State appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

As a devoted student of those dying patients, I learned seven life lessons that I have been able to incorporate into my own life and that have helped me find my way through my struggles:

7 life lessons from the dying

1. Suffering

Embrace your difficulties rather than resist them. This lesson is the key to learning the most effective attitude towards challenging times. Those who resist their suffering tend to experience more pain and more complications, while those who accept that suffering is just a part of life, quickly move on to focus on other issues. Use your time to make the best of each situation rather than complaining about the things you don’t like.

2. Love

It’s all about relationships. In the final analysis, dying people care more about relationships than anything else in life. Those who have failed to love earlier in their lives spend most of their dying hours trying to rectify that situation. Pay attention now to the relationships that are already in your life. If you don’t already know how to give and receive love, start learning now.

3. Forgiveness

Move on quickly after mistakes. Nothing is gained from harbouring resentment towards self or others. Most dying patients work hard to make amends and find forgiveness with their loved ones. Start now by refusing to hold on to grudges and negative feelings. Take the disappointments of life lightly and keep moving on to deal with greater lessons.

4. Paradise

Enjoy what you have and where you are right now. Wishing for things to be different traps you in the future, and regretting what has already happened ties you to the past. The dying focus on the present moment because it is all they have. But they find a great capacity to enjoy even the smallest things and savour each and every experience. Throughout each day, stop frequently and find the pleasure in exactly what you are doing in that moment.

5. Purpose

Purpose is what you are creating in the moment right now. The dying have no future about which to daydream or fantasise. So they find meaning and purpose in whatever they are doing in the present moment. Recognise that your life is unfolding one moment at a time and that each and every moment has its own special purpose. Make every moment matter and stop living for what you might accomplish someday—there is only now.

6. Surrender

Stop trying to change what you cannot change. All attempts to change the way things are have long been abandoned by the time the dying get to their last days. But it is foolish for any of us to waste our precious time and energy trying to make things different than they really are. Once you give up this battle, direct your energy towards being creative instead.

7. Impermanence

Let go of your fear of failure. One of the most difficult tasks for the dying is to overcome the fear of death. But once they cross that obstacle, it becomes clear that nothing in life should be feared. Keep moving forward in your life and lose your fear that you will fail. Truly, no matter what happens, you cannot fail if you are on your path because failure doesn’t exist on the spiritual journey. So stop giving your energy to fear and live your life fully and courageously.

With these seven lessons from the dying as a guide, it is possible to live with joy and celebration even in times of great difficulty. Pay attention now to these things that really matter so that you can spend your life in peace and equanimity. This is really why we are here and why we are facing such enormous challenges. Become a student now, practise your lessons every day and watch as the beauty of life unfolds before you, just as a flower blossoms in the light of day.

The post 7 life lessons from the dying appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles.” (Matthew 5:38-41) 

Moses was the first to say, eye for eye, and tooth for tooth. This was not a prescription for revenge, but for curbing our natural reactions. Instinctively, we take two eyes for one, two teeth for one. We don’t want equal justice, we want to punish, to extract more from them than they took from us. Here Jesus raises the bar of love to extraordinary heights, commanding not only that we love enemies, but also that we actively seek their good. Lest we miss the point, he mentions the legal right of a Roman soldier to force a person to take his pack one mile. Not only are we to take the pack, we are to offer to take it a second mile. Instead of exacting twice the revenge, we are to give twice the love.

We don’t stop loving difficult people, we just love them differently—without words. Switch to deeds, give the person a little Space, and wait for God to work. He can put together what we can’t. To explain this characteristic of love, Jesus points to God, who gives indiscriminately. He says:

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy. But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.” (Matthew 5:43-45) 

Jesus practiced what he preached here. He even loved the people who killed him. When the soldiers are nailing him to the cross, Jesus actively seeks the welfare of the Roman soldiers by erasing their debt through forgiveness. He says, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34). The Greek indicates that Jesus kept on saying, “Father, forgive them.” 

Bitterness dies, peace ensues

Is Jesus a masochist? That kind of love sounds crazy. Won’t we open ourselves up for more hurt? No. Think about it. There are two problems with enemies. What they did hurts, and as we obsess about what they did, bitterness sets in like a claw in the brain. We become so focused on the hurt that we don’t notice the bitterness slowly eating away at us—like cancer of the soul. Bitterness quietly transforms us so we become just like our enemy.

Jesus’ command to love your enemies takes the energy out of bitterness. Instead of plotting revenge, we plan how to do them good. We reflect on their needs and how to help. The Roman soldier is tired, so we offer to take the pack a second mile. We love him where he’s weak. Love like this takes our own heart by surprise and healing begins. Bitterness dies for lack of fuel.

Love also breaks the cycle of evil, keeping us from becoming like the enemy. Instead we become like Jesus—free—no longer controlled by the other person’s evil. What’s more, love unnerves an enemy, throwing him off guard. But best of all, it makes room for God’s justice and mercy. To love an enemy means to trust that God is far more effective than I am. It takes faith to love.

During World War II Gandhi ceased confronting the British, his enemy, and supported their war effort, actively seeking their good. The result? Only a few years later, British opposition to India’s independence collapsed. Love was too powerful.

Jesus’ teaching to “love your enemies” reflects the ancient Jewish prophecy that the Messiah would be a “Prince of Peace” (Isaiah 9:6-7). It also fleshes out his words, “Blessed are the peacemakers.” By loving our enemies, by taking the beam out of our own eye, we become a peacemaker.

The post How do you love an enemy? appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

There are many things that cause stress to the body at a cellular level. Some of these triggers are:

• Eating with guilt
• Exercising too hard and too much
• Lack of sleep
• Improper nutrition
• Smoking and excessive alcohol
• Emotional turmoil
• Hatred
• Envy
• Anger

…the list goes on.

Take resentment, for instance. Did you know, something as small as the inability or unwillingness to forgive can cause immense stress to the body?

Some of this stress we don’t even feel as it slowly but surely eats into us, chewing away pieces of our being. Stress lowers and destroys our immune system, making our body vulnerable to infections and diseases. Weakened immunity is known to cause lethargy and fatigue, which leads to indigestion, bloating, acidity and a number of other ailments. Thus begins the cycle of popping pills, which ultimately triggers other health problems.

If we can identify our stress triggers and manage them with awareness, the whole game changes. Of course, we will always have some stress. Who doesn’t? But how we handle it can lead us to the road to great health.

Use gratitude to heal your life

Whether it’s a client with a life-threatening illness or someone who just wants to lose weight, 90 per cent of my job revolves around working with their minds. If there is any one tool that I swear by in the healing and counselling process, it is gratitude. This simple yet powerful phenomenon changes lives.

All religions preach the virtues of being thankful. Yet, in our hectic lives, we fail to find time for it. Gratitude is magical. Many books have been written on the subject of gratitude and the benefits it brings along. Most of us are relentlessly focussed on how fat we are, or how sick we are, or how much our knee or back hurts.

The cure is never in the pill—it’s in your mind

If you want to heal an illness, focus on everything else in your body that is working well and be thankful. In other words, take your attention off the disease and put it on everything that is working for you—you will begin to recover faster. Try it! Gratitude has no boundaries. It can be practised regardless of your domination, your beliefs, customs and traditions.

Life is full of positives, negatives and everything in between. By acknowledging your sadness, heartache, worries and fears with gratitude, you can flip on your positive switch and appreciate the good that you have.

The physical benefits of gratitude

Studies have shown that acts of thankfulness and appreciation

• Trigger more time exercising
• Lower blood pressure
• Decrease the perception of pain
• Improve sleep quality
• Encourage relaxation
• Lower depression symptoms
• Increase overall energy

In other words, by taking the time to show gratitude you improve your health, both mentally and physically, thus bettering the quality of your life as a whole.

Try this exercise

On a sheet of paper, list all the things that you are grateful for. Really feel what you pen down. If you are struggling to lose weight, be grateful that you have healthy legs to walk, run or work out with. If you have work stress, be grateful that you have a job or a business. If you have relationship stress, be thankful that you have people in your life who care about you. No matter what your situation, you can always find something to be thankful for. And that starts the process of healing. The cure is never in the pill—it’s in your mind.

Continue your efforts to eat clean, sleep well, and stay physically active, and then let your body do the rest. Whenever you find yourself stressed, worried and anxious, stop and count your blessings. Practising gratitude enriches your life and the lives of those around you. It also helps you focus on possibilities which, in turn, helps you achieve your goals in all spheres of life.

Gratitude is a simple route to get your life back on track, to gain back our positive focus and manifest your desires.

Most problems in life exist because we choose to focus on them. And we don’t just focus on the situation, but rather focus on the negative part of it. We get obsessed with our problem and close the door to the “big picture,” or the bright side of the equation. If you are consistently complaining about things, stop it now. This will automatically make you focus on the positives. Apply gratitude to your health and lifestyle and watch in awe as it transforms your whole life.

The post Struggling to lose weight? Try gratitude! appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

According to Dr Brown, people who live wholeheartedly love themselves, which means treating themselves with kindness, respect, affection, and trust. A key component of that self-lovingness is accepting themselves as they are, and believing they are worthy of love just because. There isn’t a reason these folks have for deserving love from others and from themselves; there doesn’t need to be. That’s the point, actually. When we really love ourselves, we don’t set preconditions, and we don’t wait. We don’t love ourselves if. We love ourselves anyway. Warts and all, we are worthy. This statement includes you!

I love you more than I even love myself

Loving ourselves is important, because Dr Brown’s research led her to conclude that we cannot love our partner, or our kids, or our friends more than we love ourselves. No wonder so many people are hurting those they love. When we don’t love ourselves, we act in ways that may seem to be hurting just us—but there’s no such thing as a victimless crime once we’re in relationships. When we don’t love ourselves enough to work on our problems or celebrate our strengths, those around us suffer too. And if you feel so bad about yourself that you can’t enjoy your own goodness, your partner can’t enjoy you nearly as much either.

Also, research indicates that you can’t take in another person’s love very well when you believe you don’t deserve it.

When Matthew was little, his dad beat his mom in front of him. And Karen’s mother committed suicide, leaving her at the mercy of a truly wicked stepmother. We now know that childhood trauma like that changes the brain’s structure. It changes emotions and behavior. Matt and Karen are both good people who don’t feel very good about themselves. They do good things in the world, but when others try to love them, they feel undeserving. It’s hard for them to believe they’re worthwhile. So when others treat them as worthy, they usually push them away and retreat to the safety of many friends—but no one person to depend on too much.

How to recognise whether you love yourself or not

Through interviews and subsequent analyses, Dr Brown found that another hallmark of being self-loving is acceptance of others—combined with boundaries. The self-loving understand that most of us, most of the time, are doing the very best we can. This understanding lets them feel compassion for others, rather than anger and hate.

But that doesn’t mean everyone’s behavior is up to their standards for choosing them as a partner. If you want to find and keep love, you have to be choosy, and the other person’s character has to count. Self-loving people don’t hate those who fail to meet basic standards of decency—but they also don’t allow others to treat them any old way. They aren’t doormats. They build fences, and nobody gets through the gate without behaviours amounting to the password. The self-loving are kind but firm, holding would-be partners accountable for their actions. Their motto could be “boundaries without blame.” For example, a natural consequence of someone who stands you up could be that you don’t go out with them again. There’s no need to call them names, or hate them—in fact, those actions are against your chances to find and keep love.

The self-loving understand that most of us, most of the time, are doing the very best we can

What if you don’t love yourself very much right now?

Our lives are a house under constant construction. Building self-lovingness is a lifetime project. Fortunately, you don’t have to wait to find love until you are perfect at this, and your partner doesn’t have to be the paragon of self-love either.

Nobody loves themselves completely, so the first thing is to acknowledge that. You’re on the path, and this path has no end. It’s not a competition; embrace yourself right here where you are, right now in this and every moment.

But how?

In her research, Dr. Brown found that it helped people to love themselves more if they could tell their stories of shame to at least one other trustworthy person. Of course, for a lot of folks, the person they can trust is their lifemate—someone you’re trying to find. Maybe you have a close friend, though, or a therapist, who can listen to your story in a supportive, non-judgmental way. If so, that is a major step towards healing your heart.

I don’t know a trustworthy person to pour my heart out to

If you don’t have a friend or therapist standing in this gap for you, follow these science-backed steps towards change: notice, redirect, and repeat.

Notice

When you catch yourself thinking something shameful or unloving about yourself, notice.  Don’t trash-talk yourself—just notice that you are feeling, thinking, or doing something that isn’t self-loving. Gently noticing is the gateway to change. Sometimes, you might feel bad about yourself even though you’ve followed your moral code. People raised to feel chronic shame might relate to a nagging feeling that there’s just something “off” about them. For instance, say you’re feeling like you’re a bad person, even though you merely decided to stop dating someone who yelled at you. What you did was right for you; but you feel wrong. Other times, you really will do something inappropriate. Everyone makes mistakes. Maybe you said you’d call someone—and then you never did. That’s hurtful, and human.

The difference between shame and guilt is that shame feels like something is wrong with us; guilt feels like something is wrong with what we did. Research shows that guilt can be good.  It motivates us to apologise, or change our behaviour. Shame, though, freezes us; if we think we are bad, how can we change? Shame is the opposite of self-loving. It keeps us stuck.

So a mindset to move towards is acknowledging when we feel bad even though we’ve done nothing wrong: “I’ve got that sick feeling in my stomach, although I haven’t done a thing to deserve it.”  Or, acknowledge our feelings around our failures: “I’m feeling like crap, because I told Becky I would call her and then I chickened out.” Notice whether it’s a guilt feeling or a shame feeling—a feeling that what you did was wrong, or that you are wrong. Just notice.

Redirect

Then, redirect your thoughts to something that’s aligned with reality.”I’m sticking by my boundaries. There is every reason to stop seeing people who yell at me, and it’s my right to date people who make me feel like my best self. I’m feeling shame, but that’s because I was taught to feel wrong for having boundaries. I’m doing the loving thing for me now.” Or, “What I did was rude; it might be too late to apologise to Becky, but at least I can resolve to send a note to her, and call other people when I make promises in the future.”

Repeat

Repeat the notice-redirect chain every time you catch yourself. Over time, you’ll love yourself more!

Ultimately, we are the landlords of our lives. When we love ourselves, we have standards, and we don’t key in squatters who can’t or won’t meet them. It’s not mean. It’s what works. And what works starts with taking that first step towards loving ourselves.

The post A guide to loving yourself (and attracting a great relationship) appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Death Vows

These are strong beliefs where the person either casually or empathically, made a vow that they did not want to live. A vow is a belief that is a promise. It generally has emotion associated with it and can take on a life of its own. Examples of such vows are, “I would rather die, than live.” or “I want to kill myself.” Death vows can emerge during peak emotional experiences where the person feels trapped or that there is no other way out. What I have also found, that when death vows are made, generally the person does not mean it. In the heat of the moment the words just spontaneously emerge either as inner self talk or directed outwardly.

Un-forgiveness

An inability to forgive is linked to cancer. There is a difference between lip service forgiveness and true heart felt forgiveness. True forgiveness comes from within, and it occurs naturally when the past hurt or disappointment is released. When we find it in our hearts to whole-heartedly forgive ourselves and others, it creates an opening that unlocks a sense of peace, health and wholeness. Holding onto unforgiveness means that emotions such as anger, frustration and resentment fester beneath the surface and keep cortisol and adrenaline elevated, depleting natural killer cells which is one of the body’s defence mechanism against cancer cells replicating. You can read more about the healing power of forgiveness here.

Suppressed anger

Keeping any negative emotion suppressed can be harmful to health. It is toxic to the body, just like swallowing back down one’s own vomit. In a study conducted on 796 men and women, what was found was that those who bottled up their anger died from either heart disease or cancer. With anger, it is not always as simple as just express it. If anger is projected onto others it can be hurtful and sever relationships irrevocably. In addition, in my private practice I notice in the case of suppressed anger there are also beliefs and vows in place that prevent anger from being expressed. There is usually an early memory of parents fighting or anger being projected onto the child that makes the child decide, “Anger is bad, I must not get angry.” In fact the vow is so strong that the person would rather die, than risk getting angry.

The above 3 are the most significant emotional patterns that can cause cancer.

Other factors that could have an influence:

1. Low self esteem; not wanting to put oneself first; serving others first
2. Being overly critical; constantly beating oneself up; being harsh with self

In closing, while I have noticed these themes in my private practice and during the seminars I conduct, I will stay this: Everyone is unique and different and each person has their own story and life challenges. Who gets cancer and why, I really have no idea. I do as guided moment to moment as a channel.

Also read » 4 wonderfully simple ways to cultivate unconditional self-love

My top 3 tips to overcome these patterns are…

1. Uncover any death vows and find the healing method of choice to clear them from the root cause. My preferred method is The Journey which I have also used to clear my own cancer-related death vows

2. Releasing anger – You will have to work on consciously letting go of all the pent up anger accumulated over the years. Tantrum tapping can help you do that. The image below explains how it is done.
3. Forgiveness – First release the past hurt and pain and then forgiveness emerges automatically

The post An NLP expert talks about the possible emotional causes of cancer appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Soon after that dreadful night, Tom completed his exchange programme and went back to Australia, leaving behind a physically and emotionally bruised girl who spent the next several years trying to cope with the effects of that chilling night, suffering in silence.

Nine years later, Thordis decided to put an end to her ordeal once and for all. Watch this TED video to find out how she did it.

Please share the video if you think more people need to watch it.

The post This inspiring video will change the way you think about rape appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.