• Stop waiting to pursue your dreams
• Start small, improve along the way
• “Don’t compare your inside to other people’s outsides”
• Do this to challenge your self-limiting beliefs
• Know that embarrassment and rejection are small risks
• View failure as a sign that you’re on your way to succeed

Stop waiting to pursue your dreams

There are times when you put your dreams to one side. You might tell yourself that life is fine just the way it is, that you don’t need to constantly strive for more. But as aspirants of self-growth will know, putting yourself off can only last for so long.

Perhaps for now, you’re in a happy little cocoon, just waiting for the right time when you can pop out and show the world your colours. But if you’re not careful, you’ll stay in there for longer and longer, until you’ve forgotten just why you were so keen to get out in the first place.

It took me years to kick-start my life coaching business. Why? Because I was afraid. I was afraid of getting out of my comfort zone, but I didn’t quite realise it at the time. If you’ve been holding back from trying to achieve your own dreams, then you might find some truth in what I’m going to share with you.

Start small, improve along the way

What keeps us in our cocoons, afraid to burst forth and show the world how amazing we are?

For many of us, it’s the fear of never being quite ready. We tell ourselves that we’ll launch our business, go for that dream job or start that new project some day— when our website is just right, our CV is perfect, and when we have enough time or money to really get going.

Don’t wait to be perfect. The truth is that you might never have enough time or money, and your website/CV will never be perfect. When you wait to be perfect before getting started, you find the wait never ends. Nobody is perfect, and the universe is not going to line up the perfect set of circumstances and say “OK, NOW is the time to start!”

This doesn’t mean that you should release a half-baked idea out into the world, or publish a website with no content. What it does mean is that you stop holding yourself to impossibly high standards before you start to make your mark on the world. Start small, and improve along the way. My website has changed a lot from when I first published it, and I’ll continue to change it along the way —but I published it way back at the beginning, because I knew I never would if I kept waiting for it to be perfect.

“Don’t compare your inside to other people’s outsides”

So what is this fixation with being perfect that seems to have holding us back? It appears that from somewhere we’ve got the idea that all the other successful people out there have ‘cracked it’—that they’re perfect, flawless, and know what they’re doing.

It’s important to question these thoughts. Do you really think that those people you admire don’t have fears and doubts, too? That they didn’t start from a similar place, wracked with nerves, wondering what the world would make of them? Remember that all you know of other people is what they show you. They may appear confident, but you don’t know what happens in their heads.

A friend of mine once told me, “Don’t compare your inside to other people’s outsides.” You might be afraid, you might not feel talented or beautiful enough, but those people who seem to have it all might have the same thoughts. If you act confident and smile, few people will be able to tell how you really feel.

Do this to challenge your self-limiting beliefs

Many of us are kept in our cocoons by our self-limiting beliefs. These are thoughts like “I’ll never be good enough”, “nobody will buy my product” and “how can I be as good as she is?”

You’ve probably heard plenty about how to deal with these thoughts. Ignore them. Recognise where they’re coming from—whether they’re your mother or the entire media taking up home in your head without your permission. I say that you should add a new thought to them, which is—“so what?”

Perhaps you won’t be the best at what you do. Some people might not like you. Maybe it will all go wrong. But so what? What is the worst possible thing that can happen if you get out there and just TRY to get noticed, to publish your book, to get that new job or to move somewhere new? Yes, it might all go wrong. But isn’t that what makes life interesting and exciting?

Know that embarrassment and rejection are small risks

Yes, some risks can be too much. I’m not saying that you should use your kids’ college fund on a business venture that you haven’t even researched. But weigh the risks, and if you find that the worst case scenario is that you feel a bit embarrassed and rejected, then do it anyway— because the alternative is staying in your cocoon, regretting that you never tried to taste the sunlight.

One of my favourite ways to get out there and do something daring is to imagine that it isn’t really me doing it. I become a character in a story, I play somebody who is far braver and more confident than I am, and I go along with her and see what will happen. If she trips up, I laugh with her—realising that it isn’t the end of the world if things don’t go her way.

View failure as a sign that you’re on your way to succeed

Finally, learn to have some compassion for yourself. If you don’t succeed straight away, don’t beat yourself up or feel angry with yourself for getting it wrong. Recognise that you are just a human being, trying to do your best in the world, and treat yourself with the same love and compassion that you would give a friend. And remember that if things don’t work out straight away, you have not failed—‘failure’ just means that you haven’t found the winning combination yet.

So get out there and step into the sunlight. For after chrysalis, from every cocoon emerges a beautiful butterfly.

The post Stop waiting to pursue your dreams appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

One such excuse arose soon after my first meeting. Our beloved Mumbai city had faced its worst crisis on 26^th November 2008 when a handful of terrorists unleashed unprecedented violence on its unsuspecting citizens. There was shock, pain, anger, fear—not just in Mumbai but across India and the world. I, too, was disturbed and angry and was trying to make sense of the tragedy. A trusted friend was among those who lost their lives in the massacre that had lasted four long days. My mind was confused, my heart was in pain. Yet, I wanted to feel love and practise forgiveness. I kept Dada’s strong emphasis on forgiveness in mind but it seemed extremely difficult to put into practice in that instance. So I decided to reach out and ask him directly and he graciously agreed for a one-to-one meeting.

The 1000w smile

As usual, being in his presence was, in itself, soothing enough that the mind became peaceful and all questions vanished. His smiling face was like a 1000w bulb that banishes all darkness from your heart. His humble demeanour aroused in my being a sense of compassion that cannot be described. All I can say is that feelings such as anger, anxiety, hatred and resentment have no place in presence of the light of compassion.

Suddenly, I knew that everything that was happening was in divine order. The apparent injustice pervading the world isn’t something to be angry about or afraid of. What is needed is to connect with the source of wisdom that in intrinsic in each of us and then follow its guidance. I realised that the world out there is only a reflection of my inner world and so all change must begin with me. The world will change when I do.

I was silent. Dada’s loving presence had worked its magic. Since all my turmoil melted away, I let my mom, who had accompanied me, interact with him. She had been very keen to meet Dada and he, too, was delighted to meet her. He made sure she felt comfortable and heard. That’s the thing about him—his love doesn’t discriminate. Since then, every time I met Dada, he never failed to inquire about my mom.

Message to the world

Later, I requested him to say a few words, a message for the world, in the wake of the terrorist attacks. I had carried an amateur video camera, just in case he agrees, which he did. As I turned on the camera to record, Dada began speaking, compassion and love oozing out of his every word. His message was just like him: simple and practical, yet extraordinarily profound. In his impeccable diction, he underlined the importance of faith and urged people to focus on cultivating character. He said that there is an invisible force that is always with us whether we know it or not. If we have faith in this force, we will have courage. And with courage, we can meet any challenge, no matter how arduous or perilous it seems. (Watch the video clip below)

Dada, the epitome of love and compassion, himself merged with the invisible force exactly a year ago. Of course, he is still available to you whenever you feel the need for his loving guidance. Just tune in with faith.

Watch: Dada’s message on the important of cultivating character

The post All you need is faith appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

In a little story, we read that the Angels asked God if there was anything in the world stronger than rocks.

“Yes,” answered God, “stronger than rocks is iron; for iron can break rock.”

“Is there anything stronger than iron?” asked the Angels.

And the Lord answered, “Fire; for iron may be melted in fire.”

“Anything stronger than Fire?” asked the Angels.

And the Lord said, “Yes, water; for fire is quenched by water.”

“Anything stronger than water?” the Angels asked again.

And the Lord answered, “Yes, wind; for wind may scatter water.”

“Anything stronger than wind?” asked the Angels.

“Yes,” said the Lord, “sympathy is stronger. And nothing there be that is stronger than the compassionate heart.”

I believe that in the coming years, compassion, maitri, will be the key to the new social order. Today, our hearts have become hard as stones. But once our hearts are lit with devotion and love, the hard crust falls off. When the heart is filled with love it becomes soft, it acquires the capacity to sympathise and empathise with those in sorrow and suffering and with those in distress.

I would describe compassion as the crown of all virtues. I believe it is this quality that takes us closest to the Divine within each one of usCrown of virtues

Here is a beautiful but simple definition of compassion that a friend shared with me: “Compassion is the humane quality of understanding the suffering of others and wanting to do something about it.”

I would describe compassion as the crown of all virtues. I believe it is this quality that takes us closest to the Divine within each one of us. When we practise, not just feel, compassion, when we go out of ourselves to reach out to others and alleviate their suffering, we rise to the Highest Self in us. Need I say that at such times, negative feelings of strife and disharmony are totally nullified in our hearts and minds? And when more and more of us practise the divine quality of compassion, will our world not move towards lasting peace?

Compassion is the root of every religion. Because compassion brings with it kindness, it brings love, it brings fellowship, and it brings service. A man whose heart is filled with compassion is a friend of all, he is kind and loving to all. Such a man is kind not only to human beings but even to birds, animals and insects.

Can you read? Then read to a blind student. Can you write? Then write a letter, fill a form for someone who is not as lucky as you are

Everyone has something to give

Albert Schweitzer was always pained to hear people say, “If only I were rich, I would do great things to help and serve others.” He would promptly point out to them that all of us could be rich in love, generosity and compassion; and that we could always extend our loving care and compassion to others. This, he said, was worth more than all the money in the world!

All of us have something to give. Let us give what we can to others—our time, our talent and know-how, our effort, our understanding, our love, our concern, our sympathy, our smiles. Let us give with love and compassion. Even if one man is comforted by your words, even if one woman’s broken heart is healed by your understanding, even if one soul’s misery is wiped out by your kindness—you have made a difference!

Can you read? Then read to a blind student. Can you write? Then write a letter, fill a form for someone who is not as lucky as you are. If you are not very hungry, share your food with someone who is. If you are at peace with yourself, reach out to those who are in pain and disturbed by their suffering.

The distinguished American author and lecturer, Leo Buscaglia, once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four-year-old child whose next-door neighbour was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman’s yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his mother asked him what he had said to the neighbour, the little boy said, “Nothing, I just helped him cry.”

As the Dalai Lama says, “If you want others to be happy, practise compassion. If you want to be happy, practise compassion.”

The post Why compassion is the best expression of spirituality appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

It is your speech. The words you pick and the style you choose to deliver them can make all the difference. They determine whether you love or hate, accept or reject, share or shun.

Your speech can trigger profound emotions not just in humans, but in any living creature. You may occasionally deceive humans with your false speech, speaking words you never meant, but animals sense your sincerity. When you speak sincere words, kindly and sweetly, the inner you starts to glow; you experience ace. Your relationships automatically improve and you increasingly find yourself surrounded by those who care about you, primarily because your speech and words can make them feel good, make them feel important, make them feel human, even divine.

Vedic texts categorise all emotions fundamentally into two types: positive and negative. When you trigger a positive emotion in someone, you get a favourable response. Such responses strengthen both you and them, they build your bond. As a result, love grows naturally.

The baba who lost followers due to his harsh words

The other day, a man in his 50s visited me from a far off place. It took him three days to reach the ashram. A simple villager from a distant state, he heard from someone about the place and said he could not resist the temptation to come and see me. I met him and he was elated. He had tears of joy rolling down his cheeks. This was our first meeting. He narrated a story to me.

About 30 years ago, a renowned saint was visiting a nearby village for a week. Devotees were expected to visit in large numbers so a stage with tents was setup. Community fire offerings to the deities and sermons were scheduled. So this person and his friend got on their tractor to visit the saint. Both were farmers and this was the only vehicle they had besides their bicycles. The place was a little too far for paddling so they chose the tractor instead. It was a very hot day, as if the sun had descended on earth. After navigating through the traffic, driving on paved and unpaved roads, a tiring 90 minutes and several kilometres later, they reached their destination.

It was already midday. Their lips were parched and their bodies singed from excessive heat. They longed for water. In their hearts, however, they were happy that soon they would be seeing the saint. They went to the meeting room, where a young monk, perhaps a disciple of the godman, was present. He seemed to have no connection with anything divine; nothing about him gave the impression that he had anything to do with self-realisation or God. Nevertheless, he was robed in saffron, so the farmers showed due respect and asked him if they could meet the saint.

“Wait here and I will go and inform Baba,” he replied in a cold and indifferent tone.

“Where can we have some water?” the man asked hoping to be pointed to a nearby water source.

“Water? It is on the other side of the ground. But what if Baba comes now and you are not here? Have it later after his darshan,” he rebuked, completely ignoring their sweaty faces and dehydrated looks.

The thirst continued

The farmers sat down and waited. They kept licking their lips, but there was no more saliva forming in their mouths. They really needed water, but they were here to quench their inner thirst, they reflected. After half-an-hour Baba appeared.

They prostrated before him and sought his blessings. The saint asked them all sorts of questions about their domicile, demographics, land ownership, which tractor they drove, and the rest of it.

“Baba, how come there is no one here? It is supposed to be such a big event,” the man uttered out of complete innocence.

“You think everyone is as stupid and dumb as you are to travel in this heat? Are they all idle and redundant like you to come in the middle of the day?” Baba replied in a frustrated and angry tone.

Pin drop silence ensued. All questions about God, all spiritual desires, all madness about self-realisation fled their very beings. They looked at each other, bowed before the holy man and left promptly.

They got on their tractor, did not bother to drink water and left that place as quickly as they could. On their way, the duo didn’t even talk to each other. They felt hurt and ridiculed. They stopped their tractor at a lemonade stall under a tree and got down.

It was 30 years ago and living was not so cruelly expensive.

They gulped down three glasses each of tasty lemonade and rested under the shade for half-an-hour and then had another glass each. They paid their dues and the vendor smiled. Everyone felt complete. The vendor even helped them to restart their tractor which had to be done manually by pulling a cable in one swift, jerky movement, like the old-style lawn mowers.

They did not visit another “saint” for many years after that. Verbal offerings of Baba killed their spiritual curiosity.

Two ways to express love

I chuckled while hearing the simple villager’s story, more at his simplicity and the manner in which the farmer narrated the whole thing; it was situational. He said, “Only if that Baba had uttered some words of love or care, we would have pledged our lives to him.” He stayed in the ashram for a few days and left peacefully.

His story highlights something profound: before all knowledge, possessions, labels, and attainments comes the emotion of love. There are only two ways to express love: with words, and gestures. Generalisation aside, everyone is tied to the language. You use words and gestures of love with them and they become yours.

Buddhist texts further expand positive and negative emotions into eight types, four in each category. And four out of those eight depend solely on your speech, articulation, and choice of words. If you can speak softly, without raising your volume, you can settle even the most violent disagreements; you can get your point across in practically no time.

Regardless of how serious, important, grave or complicated. The matter, all that is required to speak kindly is mindfulness, a gentle reminder to yourself about how you want to behave. If you decide to practise restraint and kindness in speech, you will experience and spread bliss. You may have nothing material to offer, you surely have words to choose from though. Pick them carefully.

Life’s greatest pleasures are in the smallest things, in priceless simple gestures and in sincere words. Express yourself in the kindest possible manner.

Tell someone today how important they are to you.

The post Om Swami on why the words you speak are paramount appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Published by: Vermilion

ISBN: 9780091955038

Pages: 288

Price: INR 599

The book’s cover states, “The physics of vulnerability is simple: if we are brave enough, often enough, we will fall. Being brave and falling helps us grow and changes us for the better.”

Social scientist and best-selling author Dr Brené Brown has spent several years studying vulnerability, courage, authenticity and shame. While her previous two books are a “call to arms” to wholehearted living, this third book is all about acknowledging the desperation, the shame, and the vulnerability that comes along with failure, and rising up to own our story.

When Dr Brown talks about failure, it is not just in some large-scale professional endeavour, but also the personal heartbreaks and catastrophes in our lives. She addresses the complex nature of failure, reminding us that we tend to “gold-plate” failure and grit, sugar-coating the process and the pain involved in falling and in deciding to rise again. The book is not about the tired cliché of failure being the stepping stone to success.

Rising strong from our failures involves a three-step process:

1.  The Reckoning: Walking into our story and recognising that a button has been pushed and that we are about to explode with negative or undesirable emotion.
2. The Rumble: Owning our story by being honest about what we tell ourselves, by admitting our deeper emotions of shame, guilt, blame, and being willing to revisit and challenge these self-narratives to arrive at the truth of who we are and how we engage with others.
3. The Revolution: Writing a new ending and changing how we engage with the world on a permanent basis.

Of these three steps, the Rumble is the messiest: the place of the greatest struggle, and, a non-negotiable part of the process—to become aware of the story we’re telling ourselves about our hurt, anger, frustration or pain. In an effort to come out smelling of roses, we tend to glorify our recovery and the redemptive ending while casting off the emotional darkness that engulfs us when we are down, face-in-the-dirt, struggling.

The book suggests that we write down our raw emotions and feelings at this stage of rumbling—what is called the SFD [“shitty first draft”, as per the author]—without filtering the experience or worrying about how our story makes us look. Then we examine our self-defeating assumptions by asking:

• What do I know objectively?
• What more do I need to learn and understand about the other people in the story?
• What more do I need to learn and understand about myself?

Now we can look for the delta—or space—between the story we make up and a more objective truth.

“Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage.”

As with the previous two books, Rising Strong is rich with anecdotes from Dr Brown’s own life. Early in the book, she shares a story about a tough moment that surprised her while swimming across a lake with her husband during a family vacation. Her self-doubt, emotional reaction, anger and pain will resonate well with readers who have had a similar experience. Instead of painting herself into perfection, Dr Brown tears apart that experience to seek the truth about her story and learn to own it, and thereby engage from a place of understanding and compassion.

“We can choose courage or we can choose comfort, but we can’t have both. Not at the same time.”

Our thoughts, actions and feelings are like a three-legged stool, each equally important to make a positive change in our lives. Positive thoughts combined with negative feelings will not lead to positive actions. Off-loading, bouncing, or numbing our hurts, or even stockpiling or bottling them up, or simply denying them, is not the way to deal with our deep dark pain.

Borrowing from Newton’s Third Law of Motion, Dr Brown proposes that for every emotion we feel, there is a definite response elicited in us. When angry, we can mindlessly lash out or we can be aware of what we’re really feeling and adjust how we respond. We learn that to be vulnerable and resilient is the best way to engage with the world so as not to be paralysed by fear of failure or hide behind the veil of perfectionism.

This was first published in the February 2016 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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Despite the concerns, there is clear evidence that compassion in the workplace makes business sense. It not only improves workplace culture, but can also help your company’s bottom line. Cultivating a compassionate environment serves as a win-win situation for everyone.

Here are three important benefits of compassion at the workplace:

1. Employee retention

One of the many benefits of compassion in the workplace is improved employee retention. After all, would you rather work for a boss who yells at you and threatens that your job might be at stake when you ask to go home early because you aren’t feeling well? Or would you prefer the boss who cheers you on and shows understanding when you have to call in sick because you’ve got the flu? Creating a compassionate workplace is one of the best ways to retain employees over the long haul.

2. Decreased stress

One effective way employees can reduce their stress is by gaining support from co-workers. In a compassionate environment the boss doesn’t hover around the water cooler shouting for everyone to get back to work. Instead, employees are given time to engage in healthy amounts of conversation.

When allowed to linger for a few minutes during breaks and hallways, employees are likely to strike up conversations about what goes on in their lives outside the office. Discussions about family, children and hobbies begin to occur. A 2012 study published in BMC Public Health showed that when employees feel like they’re bonding, their stress levels decrease. And decreased stress means employees are less likely to burn out and more likely to be productive.

3. Improved health

Positive social interactions also lead to physical health benefits, according to a 2008 study published in the Academy of Management Review. A few minutes of mingling with co-workers every day can help lower blood pressure and decrease heart rate. These beneficial physiological changes boost employees’ immune systems, reduce absenteeism and help bring down company’s healthcare costs too. What’s more, employees who are in good health tend to be more productive.

Research also shows that fostering better health has a domino effect that helps the employees’ entire family. When employees feel better, they’re more likely to exhibit behaviour that can have a positive impact on their families—such as cooking healthier meals and taking part in physical activities. When entire families are healthy, employees are less likely to use their sick leave.

Compassion and social support has been linked to faster recovery from illness. Sending flowers to a co-worker after she’s had a baby or providing meals to a manager who has had surgery are just a few simple gestures that can help people feel better faster. Managers who want to foster compassion can create opportunities for employees to help one another —such as allowing workers to donate sick leave to people with long-term illnesses.

Contagious and reciprocal

While many business leaders fear that showing compassion will cause employees to take advantage of their graciousness, research shows the opposite is true. When leaders behave in a compassionate and cooperative manner, employees are more likely to reciprocate.

A 2010 study published in PNAS found that cooperative behaviour cascades in human networks. In a series of studies, participants repeatedly showed a desire to pay-it-forward. Each person who was treated kindly, wanted to extend generosity toward others.

People feel good about themselves when they’re treated with compassion. As a result, they tend to want to extend those positive feelings to others. Office productivity is much more likely to soar when co-workers are cooperating, rather than competing with one another’s efforts.

Creating a culture of compassion

Creating a culture of compassion involves reducing hardships and taking steps to build relationships. Here are a few examples of ways leaders can foster compassion:

• Connect new hires with relationally skilled employees. Ensure that newcomers are allied with people who can answer questions and assist them in getting their needs met.
• Encourage socialisation. Rather than chastise employees for chatting in the hallways or at the coffee vending machine, provide opportunities for them to connect with one another. Allowing time for employees to connect with one another on a human level can increase their workplace satisfaction.
• Incorporate support into the workplace. Rather than telling employees to ‘toughen up’ when they express difficulties doing their work, invite suggestions that could improve the environment.

Small steps, big difference

The good news: any organisation can introduce compassion to the workplace. A few small steps at a time can begin to make a big difference—cheerful greetings, conversations about family members, or simply delivering an employee a much needed cup of coffee can set the tone for a compassionate environment. Showing people you care, and creating policies that foster compassion, are simple but effective ways to improve business.

This was first published in the May 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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The Buddha is frequently referred to in the Pali scriptures as ‘the Happy One’, and his friendliness immediately struck those who encountered him. In that spirit he taught a wide range of spiritual practices to a great variety of individuals, instructing them according to temperament and spiritual need.

Two practices he frequently recommended were mindfulness of breathing and Mettā Bhāvanā, literally ‘the meditation that cultivates a quality of goodwill’. This quality focuses strongly on relationships. It is the desire to help, to be a friend and to be open and interested in people. The opposite of the anxiety to get things, it’s a desire to give—the very spirit of generosity. It’s also an ethical, responsible quality: one cannot bear to harm or to exploit others.

Mettā is a positive emotion. Its essence is the wish for someone to be truly happy. This wish is also at the heart of Metta Bhavana meditation, in which you wish happiness—and importantly, its causes—for four kinds of people with a special place in your life: you [and that’s vital], good friends, neutral people and those you find difficult.

Mettā Bhāvanā meditation

This brief description gives an idea of the stages of Mettā Bhāvanā practice.

Prepare for meditation. Sit quietly, settle down, connect with your body and with whatever you are feeling and thinking.

Cultivate mettā for yourself

Consider your life and experience how it feels to be you. Feel the truth of your experience, perhaps joyous, perhaps sad. Acknowledging whatever feelings are present, wish yourself happiness. Maybe say to yourself, ‘May I be well and happy. Then just keep setting your attention back on to that wish [five minutes].

Cultivate mettā for a friend

Switch to the impression in your mind, whatever form that takes, of a friend—maybe this will be an actual visual image, but a simple feeling is fine. They should be roughly your age and not someone you particularly have sexual feelings for [keep it simple!]. Experience your true response and wish them happiness as you did earlier for yourself [five minutes].

Cultivate mettā for a ‘neutral’ person

Think of someone for whom you don’t have a particular liking or dislike. What you feel when you bring them to mind may not be very clear but stay with what’s there and encourage a friendly response, wishing them happiness. It’s good training to maintain this in relation to someone you don’t naturally find interesting, so keep it up [five minutes]!

Cultivate mettā for a difficult person

Turn your attention to someone you’re not getting on with. Experience truthfully how you feel now without being misled by how they ‘always’ make you feel. Cultivate a fresh response, wishing them real happiness, even though that might go against the grain. Real happiness makes everyone more likeable and has little connection with superficial pleasure or advantage. So let go of any animosity or resentment you’re harbouring [five minutes].

Cultivate mettā equally for each person

Now concentrate on all four people—you, your friend, the neutral person and the difficult person—and develop mettā as equally as you can towards each.

From there, cultivate mettā for all beings everywhere

Let your mettā expand like the warmth of the sun towards all beings everywhere in the world. Here is one way. Start with those nearest you, in the same room or the same building. Then include everyone in the street, town, city or area you are in. Let your imagination take your good wishes out in ever-widening circles. Include everyone in the country, the continent, the other continents, the entire Earth, the whole universe. Recall how all those beings, human and non-human, are undergoing every kind of experience even as you are meditating. Think of them all with equally strong love and kindness.

Detailed instructions

Start by sitting in a comfortable position. If you sit as still as possible, it will help to keep you focussed on how you are feeling. Mindfulness, especially mindfulness of feeling and emotion, is an important key to Mettā Bhāvanā. But body awareness is also needed in order to experience feeling: emotional energy comes from opening up to what is here physically. Fully experience the pleasantness, the unpleasantness or just the absence of feeling that is present. If there are painful feelings, don’t pretend that they don’t exist. Realise that there’s no need to be angry or despondent because of them.

Simply experience them mindfully. It’s the same with pleasant feelings—recognising and enjoying pleasure without getting over-involved. And if there seems to be no feeling at all, which is common enough, turn and face that space of [apparent] nothingness. Actively experience it. It could be that you need to re-establish contact with your core experience, with the body and the senses, because you’ve lost touch. But it is just as likely that, quite naturally, your experience is somewhat neutral at the moment. Whatever the case, to help with the meditation sit very still and simply ‘listen’ receptively to the experience, even though it may feel as though there is nothing there. Rest attention within the body, on the breathing, the muscular relaxation or tension and the general flow of physical energy.

Don’t worry if feelings are weak or hardly noticeable; if they are subtle or uncertain, this only indicates that they need to be given space for their meaning to become clear. Thus, feeling doesn’t have to be powerful and strong before you can do something with it. If you stay with the experience as it is, you can build mettā effectively, even when the feeling is subtle and barely perceptible.

As often as not, you have to acknowledge pain. Human experience is a bittersweet mixture; it is never 100 per cent pleasure. When feelings are pleasant, it is easy to be kind and friendly. But when they are painful, you need to be patient and avoid reacting with emotions such as denial, ill will, frustration or self-pity, which easily become habitual.

It is helpful, if you can, to continue experiencing them, patiently understanding that all feelings—pleasant, painful or neutral—are temporary, and that your reactions to pain actually end up making it even more painful. So allow space for something new to enter.

At first, the response of loving-kindness may not be very strong; but once it gets started, you can build on it.

As you meditate, try to get a sense of totality, of completeness, of all beings. Let go completely and expand the attitude, emotion and feeling beyond all conceivable limits.

Last updated on 17^th September 2019

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A divorced wife, who was unable to forgive her husband, developed a cancerous growth that led to surgery. She was convinced that her emotional hurt and resentment had contributed to her cancer.

We all know that stress causes insomnia—so can bitterness! Research has even uncovered a relationship between unresolved anger and cardiac arrest. People who hold grudges fall easy prey to illness. When they make the conscious decision to cease hatred and resentment—they set themselves on the road to recovery. This is why hatred has been likened to cancer—it is the cancer of bitterness that destroys both body and soul.

Also read » Forgive for health and happiness

A vast amount of documented research links the working of the body with the thoughts and feelings of the mind. Our emotional turmoil is manifested in our body. We begin to be at war with ourselves. Doctors have a peculiar word—to somaticise. It simply means taking an emotional issue and unconsciously displacing it on to our body. The result can be anything from a perforated ulcer to a cancer.

Mary Chandler narrates a moving story about the healing power of forgiveness from her own life. When Mary was barely 16 years old, disaster struck her family. A terrible accident took place outside their home, when a huge truck rammed into her parents’ car. Her six year old sister and two year old brother were scared stiff, but safe in the back seat. The father was badly shaken, but unharmed. However, her mother was severely injured. Her head lay on the pavement, her feet were still wedged in the car, and blood streamed down her face and hair.

Shocked and terrified, Mary could only pray, “Please God, don’t let my mom die!”

In a daze, she watched the ambulance arrive and take her mother to hospital. Then she saw the driver of the truck—tall, slim, dressed in working clothes—standing with his head bowed, near the smashed car.

“I’m sorry,” he said to her. “I didn’t see the stop sign and…”

“I hate you!” cried Mary. “Look what you’ve done to my mom! Why couldn’t you drive more carefully? I’ll never, ever forgive you—I hope God doesn’t either!”

Mary was deeply troubled, sorely embittered. ‘What has my mom done to deserve this?’ she thought. ‘What have we done to deserve this? Why had God allowed this to happen?’

“The accident ended my childhood,” Mary was to write later. At 16, she became the surrogate mother to her siblings—all six of them. She attended school during the day and worked part time in a local movie theatre in the evenings. She did her homework between 11pm and 1am.

She missed her mother! Her love and warmth and care were all lost to the children. Money was tight too—for her mother’s income was now lost.

As the weeks dragged on, Mary’s bitterness grew. Reports from the hospital were not good—her mother’s mind and memory were still hazy. Doctors had still not been able to relieve the pressure on her head.

Mary no longer blamed God for what had happened—but she despised the truck driver, who had caused the accident. “He should be the one to suffer—not us,” she thought in anger.

Worries, responsibilities and constant work took their toll on the children.

One night, Mary was sitting at the dining table, working on a huge pile of assignments, when she was overwhelmed by tears. “I can’t go on like this,” she sobbed. “God, please help me.” She felt the old bitterness and anger return, as she thought of the tall, thin truck driver.

“Mary,” she heard her mother’s voice saying, “I have forgiven him. It’s time you did, too.”

Startled, Mary looked up to see if her mother was there—of course, she was not! She was in the hospital, miles away.

“Forgive him,” repeated her mother’s voice. “If you can’t do it on your own, ask for God’s help in forgiving him.”

Mary closed her tear-filled eyes. “Please God,” she prayed. “Don’t let my heart harden to stone. Help me understand. Help me to forgive!” She remembered the slim man’s anguished face and trembling voice saying, “I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!”

She had heard from her father that he had been calling the hospital constantly to enquire after her mother. He too had suffered because of the accident. As Mary prayed that night, she found that her bitterness began to dissolve. The hatred in her heart vanished, and she felt compassion for the first time. She thought of the guilt and the heartache the driver must have suffered, and her heart went out to his family.

Suddenly, the phone rang. It was 12.30am. Mary lifted the receiver with trembling hands. “Honey, it’s Mom,” she heard as if in a dream.

“The switchboard is closed for the night, so I came over to the payphone to talk to you. How are you my darling?”

“But… but Mom, how did you get to the phone at this time of night?” Mary stammered.

She had heard from her Dad that her mother still suffered from severe dizziness, which prevented her from walking upright. Whenever she had tried to get up from her bed and walk on her own, she had fallen down and lay helplessly on the floor, until someone came to her aid. How could she have come up to the pay phone? Perhaps someone had helped her.

“Mary, are you all right?” she repeated.

“I am fine Mom,” Mary blurted out, a smile spreading across her tear stained face. “I’m just fine. Tell me, how are you?”

“At peace,” came the mother’s reply.

“So am I Mom,” Mary whispered. “So am I. Finally, I have forgiven him. I just spoke to God before you called, and I feel a burden has been lifted from my heart. I have forgiven the driver who caused your accident.”

“Mr Abbott will be so relieved,” said her mother. “Your Dad and I have forgiven him long ago. But he still remembers what you said, and he has asked me again and again if you would ever forgive him. He was here to see me today, you know.”

Mary felt a lump in her throat. “Next time he calls, Mom,” she said, “tell him please.”

Six weeks later, Mary’s mother came back home, almost completely recovered. The accident taught Mary valuable lessons—she learnt to forgive and be forgiven. She says she still hears her mother’s voice, “Ask God to help you forgive him.” It made a great difference in her life!

Forgiveness protects you

Forgiveness is not just a favour you confer upon another person. It is a much-needed protection you need for yourself. It protects you from corrosive feelings of bitterness and anger that can corrupt mind and soul. There are four simple principles we have to follow, in order to forgive in the best spirit:

• Stop being judgemental. We do not have all the facts necessary to make a fair judgement—so the best thing is to leave it to God.
• Develop the spirit of tolerance and understanding. Human beings are not perfect and we are all bound to make mistakes.
• Control the animalistic impulse to fight, hit back and hurt.
• Pray constantly for God’s help. Sometimes, forgiveness is so difficult that we cannot do it alone. It requires the grace of God to change our minds and change ourselves. God’s grace can dissolve even the most deep-seated bitterness.

Forgiveness sets us free. It allows us to be freed from the grievances, penalties, and shackles of past mistakes. It heals the one who forgives—and the one who is forgiven.

The post Pardon, Please: How Forgiveness Sets You Free appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

“Show me this temper,” said Bankei, “it sounds fascinating.”

“I haven’t got it right now,” said the student, “so I can’t show it to you.”

“Well then,” said Bankei, “bring it to me when you have it.”

“But, I can’t bring it just when I happen to have it,” protested the student. “It arises unexpectedly, and I would surely lose it before I got it to you.”

“In that case,” said Bankei, “it cannot be part of your true nature. If it were, you could show it to me at any time. When you were born you did not have it, and your parents did not give it to you — so it must come into you from the outside. I suggest that whenever it gets into you, you beat yourself with a stick until the temper can’t stand it, and runs away.”

Don’t Suppress Anger, Let It Go

It is very easy to control; it is very difficult to transform. You can control your anger, but what will you do? You will suppress it. And, what happens when you suppress a certain thing? The direction of its movement changes: it was going out, and if you suppress it, it starts going in—just its direction changes.

And, for anger to go out was good, because the poison needs to be thrown out. It is bad for anger to move within, because that means your whole body-mind structure will be poisoned by it. You have suppressed so much anger, now there are no moments when you are not angry; at the most, sometimes you are less angry, sometimes more. Your whole being is poisoned by suppression. You eat with anger – and, it has a different quality when a person eats without anger: it is beautiful to watch him, because he eats non-violently. He may be eating meat, but he eats non-violently; you may be eating just vegetables and fruits, but if anger is suppressed, you eat violently.

Just through eating, your teeth, your mouth release anger. You crush food as if this is the enemy. And, remember: whenever animals are angry, what will they do? Only two things are possible – they don’t have weapons and they don’t have atom bombs, what can they do? Either with their nails or with their teeth they will do violence to you. These are the natural weapons of the body – nails and teeth.

Transmute Your Anger Into Compassion

Sensitivity grows with awareness. Through control you become dull and dead — that is part of the mechanism of control. If you are dull and dead then nothing will affect you; it is as if the body has become a citadel, a defence. Nothing will affect you, neither insult nor love.

Anger transformed becomes compassion—because, the energy is the same.

So remember, if you condemn a natural phenomenon it becomes poisonous, it destroys you, it becomes destructive and suicidal. If you transform it, it becomes divine. Anger is just like electricity in your body: you don’t know what to do with it. Either you kill somebody else or you kill yourself. The society says if you kill yourself it is okay, it is your concern, but don’t kill anybody else—and, as far as society goes that is okay.

So, either you become aggressive, or you become repressive.

Meditate Upon It

The basic thing that is needed is to become aware and to know the secret of this energy, anger, this inner electricity. It is electricity because you become hot; when you are angry your temperature gets hot. Electricity is hot – it becomes the source of air-conditioning. Anger is hot — it becomes the source of compassion.

Compassion is inner air-conditioning. Suddenly, everything is cool and beautiful, and nothing can disturb you, and the whole existence is transformed into a friend.

Awareness is needed, not condemnation—and, through awareness transformation happens spontaneously. If you become aware of your anger, understanding penetrates. Just watching, with no judgment, not saying good, not saying bad, just watching your inner sky. There is lightning, anger, you feel hot, the whole nervous system is shaking and quaking, and you feel a tremor all over the body — a beautiful moment, because when energy functions you can watch it easily. When it is not functioning you cannot watch.

Close your eyes and meditate on it.

It is mysterious, and if mystery is not understood it becomes terrible, you are afraid of it. And, whenever a mystery is understood, it becomes a grace, a gift, because now you have the keys – and, with keys you are the master.

Also read » How To Stay Calm and Composed In All Situations

Anger Is Mental Vomit

First things, first. Do not throw your temper on anybody.

Next time, you feel angry go and run around the house seven times, and after that sit under a tree, and watch where the anger has gone. You have not repressed it, you have not controlled it, you have not thrown it on somebody else—because, if you throw it on somebody else a chain is created, because the other is as foolish as you, as unconscious as you. He will throw more anger on you; he is repressed as much as you are. Then, there comes a chain: you throw on him, he throws on you, and you both become enemies.

Anger is just a mental vomit. Something is wrong that you have taken in and your whole psychic being wants to throw it out.

You can go for a long walk—it means that something is inside that needs fast activity so that it is released. Just do a little jogging, and you will feel it is released.

Take a pillow and beat it, fight with the pillow, and bite the pillow until your hands and teeth are relaxed. Within a five-minute catharsis you will feel unburdened, and once you know this you will never throw it on anybody, because that is absolutely foolish.

Last updated on 3^rd July 2020

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