This was such a blatant use of fear and greed that it filled me with disgust. But the advertisement also set me thinking. It became clear that the survival of the relationship between a man and a woman was dangerously resting on the delicate rope of self-esteem. The rope breaks too easily – either by the partners themselves, or by such crass advertisements that reinforce insecurities.

Understanding Self-Esteem in Relationships

Self-esteem is feeling worthy and being able to meet life’s challenges. It is as essential as the air we breathe, and just as intangible. It comes from the depths of our core, yet it is reflected in our every single outward action, big or small. It is the essence from which we measure our worth and the most important building block in the foundation of our psyches.

Throughout our life, we will be tested again and again, until we feel confident about ourselves and believe in our intrinsic value. We will be tested on our willingness to view ourselves as worthy, regardless of what we look like and how our body performs.

The Body Image Crisis in Modern Relationships

We know of so many people who have suffered irreparable damage — emotional and physical — in their intimate relationships because of low self-esteem. Some relationships ended in actual physical separation. Some continued living together but had no sexual relationship. Out of these, a few had extramarital affairs. Some couples went in for therapy and counseling, with varying degrees of success.

Real Stories of Body Image Impact

Newly-married Aishwarya was told by her husband that she has “thunder thighs”. She cringed at the remark, refused to undress in front of him and was stiff and awkward whenever they were intimate. She subsequently became a victim of Anorexia Nervosa, lost a lot of weight, and became obsessed with the weighing scale and the measuring tape. They separated. She enrolled in therapy and is now on the road to recovery. She now says that she hopes to find someone, someday, who values her more than just certain parts of her body and loves her as a complete being.

Aishwarya is not the only victim. There are many more. Rita’s husband keeps insisting that she get cosmetic surgery done on her slightly long nose. He says that he gets put off with her long nose as it comes in the way while kissing. Due to this, their love-making left both of them dissatisfied.

Then there is Aparna who, after childbirth, was told by her husband that her breasts were drooping and no longer attractive. She turned frigid forever.

In yet another case, young Dhara was aware of her husband’s obsession with big breasts. She was not so generously endowed. So she went in for an expensive and painful silicon breast implant. But as fate would have it, she developed breast cancer. She needed to have the implants, and even one of the breasts, surgically removed. She underwent chemotherapy and lost all her hair. Not to mention she also lost her husband, probably to a woman with bigger breasts.

How Body Image Affects Men

Men too go through similar situations. A married man was once told by his wife that he wasn’t man enough because of his slender body frame. His manhood was so deeply hurt that he could not get intimate with his nagging wife. He would have a normal erection at other times but when it came to his wife, he just fell impotent. The wife, through counseling, saw the root cause. Just by acknowledging his endeavors in other spheres, she struck some connection with him again. She was guided to appreciate him. Their sex life resumed normalcy.

Social Media and the Modern Body Image Epidemic

The media has a large role to play in reinforcing the body image to be followed by both man and woman to be sexually attractive to the opposite sex. It seems as if that is – and should be – the only criterion in their relationship, if we go by the media.

Today, with the rise of Instagram, TikTok, and filtered selfies, the pressure has intensified. The images we see online are often digitally altered, creating unrealistic standards that no human can naturally achieve. Dating apps prioritize physical appearance. Social media influencers promote cosmetic procedures as casual lifestyle choices. The cycle feeds itself.

Cosmetic surgeons, beauty parlors, fitness centers and health clubs flourish due to the same reason. There is an increasing focus on outer beauty – standards which are forced down our throats by the media and our obsessed partners – to be attractive to our mates and in order to experience marital bliss. Moreover, this has even often been told to us by none other than our parents.

Self-Esteem vs. Ego: A Critical Distinction

The difference between self-esteem and ego needs to be understood here. Many couples admire each other superficially just to keep the harmony and outer peace in the relationship, or as a strategy to manipulate things for a selfish gain. To be genuine and empathetic in one’s expression is important, particularly when one praises the other or shows flaws in the other.

It is said that sex happens between the two ears and not between the two legs. Whoever said this must be aware of the relationship between self-esteem and sexual relations. So we see that frigidity in women and impotence in men – whether temporary or permanent, with mild to severe consequences – is often related to their lowered self-esteem. Their marital life can face major upheavals because of this.

Building Authentic Self-Worth

Only a person who is in true acceptance of himself can accept and respect the other. Unless we learn to love and respect ourself, it is difficult for us to love and respect the other.

We need to realize that our true inner self will be with us for our entire life, while looks will change and fade – being an unreliable source of self-esteem.

Let us search to discover the pathway to that source, for it is the core of our essential value.

Frequently Asked Questions About Body Image and Self-Esteem

How does poor body image affect intimate relationships?

Poor body image creates a barrier to intimacy. When someone feels uncomfortable in their own skin, they become self-conscious during intimate moments. This can lead to avoidance of physical contact, difficulty achieving arousal, and strained emotional connection. Partners may withdraw or become defensive, creating a cycle of dissatisfaction.

Can negative comments from a partner cause long-term psychological damage?

Yes. Critical comments about physical appearance from a partner can trigger eating disorders, depression, anxiety, and sexual dysfunction. The damage often extends beyond the relationship itself. People may carry these wounds into future relationships or develop chronic issues with self-worth that require professional intervention.

What is the connection between self-esteem and sexual satisfaction?

Sexual satisfaction depends heavily on psychological comfort. People with healthy self-esteem feel more present during intimacy, communicate their needs better, and experience less performance anxiety. Low self-esteem, on the other hand, creates mental barriers that interfere with physical response and emotional connection.

How can couples protect their relationship from unrealistic beauty standards?

Couples need to have honest conversations about the impact of media and social comparison. They should consciously appreciate each other for non-physical qualities. Limiting exposure to heavily filtered content helps. Most importantly, partners must commit to never using appearance-based criticism as a weapon during conflicts.

When should someone seek professional help for body image issues?

Seek help when body image concerns interfere with daily functioning, relationships, or physical health. Warning signs include avoiding social situations, obsessive thoughts about appearance, disordered eating patterns, or inability to be intimate with a partner. Therapy can address the root causes and rebuild self-worth.

How do I rebuild self-esteem after years of criticism?

Rebuilding takes time and often requires professional support. Start by identifying your intrinsic values beyond appearance. Practice self-compassion. Surround yourself with people who appreciate you as a whole person. Challenge negative self-talk. Consider therapy to process past hurt and develop healthier thought patterns.

Are cosmetic procedures the solution to low self-esteem?

No. Cosmetic procedures address external features but do not fix internal self-worth. Many people who undergo procedures find their dissatisfaction shifts to other body parts. True self-esteem comes from accepting yourself as you are. If you choose a procedure, it should be for yourself, not to please others or fix relationship problems.

This updated version expands on concepts from an article originally published in Complete Wellbeing magazine, issue dated August 2008.

The post Body Image and Self-Esteem: The Foundation of Healthy Relationships appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

The conversation has become more complex than ever before. Men who expect women and girls to cover themselves completely often do so because they find it difficult to manage their own sexual urges—instead of taking responsibility for their impulse control, they place the burden entirely on women. Then there are those who argue that revealing clothing reduces women to mere ‘sex objects,’ potentially affecting how all women are perceived in society.

In the post-COVID world, we’re witnessing an unprecedented shift. Young women are simultaneously embracing body positivity movements while navigating the pressure of social media validation. The pandemic changed our relationship with clothing—comfort became king, yet the desire to “dress up” for virtual meetings created new dynamics.

The psychology behind why women choose to expose their bodies is far more nuanced than simple explanations of “attention-seeking” or “empowerment.” As a psychotherapist, I’ve observed how cultural shifts, technological advances, and evolving gender dynamics have created entirely new motivations and pressures around women’s dress choices.

I discuss the issue in detail in the sections below. 

• Dressing: What Is Skimpy and What Is Modest
• 7 Reasons Why Women Dress to Expose Their Bodies
  1. Exposing as a mating instinct
  2. Exposing for self-satisfaction
  3. Showing skin for material gains
  4. Exposing as a way to cope with low self-esteem
  5. Flashing it for pleasure
  6. The Social Media Factor: Dressing for Digital Validation
  7. The Body Positivity Paradox
• Summing up

Editor’s Note: While this article focuses primarily on women’s clothing choices, it’s worth noting that men and non-binary individuals also deal with complex decisions about body exposure. Men who wear tank tops, shorts, or go shirtless face their own set of judgments, though generally with less scrutiny. Similarly, non-binary individuals often use clothing as a powerful tool for gender expression, sometimes facing even harsher criticism for defying traditional expectations.  

What Is Skimpy and What Is Modest

Whether it is okay for a woman to expose certain parts of her body has been a matter of discussion down the ages. Many cultural taboos have arisen from such discussions. The purdah system, the burkha, covering the head with a ghungat or dupatta or saree, are some of the age-old norms that are considered proper or modest for a woman. Just recently while I was on a holiday, my chauffeur commented on how immodest and incorrect it was for the women on the road to ‘only’ cover their head with a dupatta instead of fully covering themselves in a burkha, and how his wife did not ‘expose’ herself in such an immodest way.

The idea of what is modest and what is not, in a woman’s dressing, has rapidly changed with passing time. During the early black-and-white era of cinema, only actresses in negative roles wore sleeveless dresses. It symbolized immodesty in a woman as opposed to the heroine, who was always ‘properly’ clad. Slowly, sleeveless dresses were accepted, but swimsuits were taboo. Then, skirts [that showed legs] were OK, but plunging necklines weren’t. Being clad in a short white saree, wet to the skin, under a waterfall, with the complete body form visible is an accepted ‘art form’ in films and has now become outdated. So, what is considered ‘exposing’ in one era, is completely acceptable in another.

Further, a tribal woman in India or Africa may be totally bare with only trinkets and a loin cloth and be seen as modest, whereas a lady in some other parts of the world might be seen as exposing if her feet are showing from her burkha. Being topless on a beach is acceptable in Nice [France]—no one even gives a second glance. The same would be unacceptable in India. A swimsuit is appropriate in a pool, but not in an office.

Weather, too, dictates appropriateness. Shorts and tank tops are practical in 40°C heat and humidity, while the same outfit in an air-conditioned office might seem out of place. Climate is often the most straightforward reason for revealing clothing, particularly in tropical regions where fabric coverage becomes genuinely uncomfortable.

So, what is termed as ‘exposure’ is time-specific, region-specific, culture-specific, occasion-specific, and in my opinion, attitude-specific.

7 Reasons Why Women Dress to Expose Their Bodies

Women’s dressing has suddenly become a hot topic because of the recent increase in the sex crimes and the discussion on how students should dress for college. Several music videos in which actresses bare it all because they believe in ‘If you have it, flaunt it!’ have fanned the fire.

Let us therefore try and understand the psychology of why girls and women might expose their bodies.

1. Exposing skin as a mating instinct

There is an existential reason behind exposing the body. A woman, like a female of other species, gives out signals of her readiness to engage in the reproductive act for the propagation of the species. Such seduction or alluring the male by exposing, is to arouse a sexual response in him. However, such seduction is usually for a specific partner with whom she is willing to sexually engage, and not for anyone else. This is what makes women buy revealing nightwear and lingerie—to attract that specific sexual mate.

2. Exposing body for self-satisfaction or feeling good

Women also like to dress sensually and expose their bodies to feel pretty and feminine. This is seen in some girls who admire a revealing dress on a model or actress and wear something similar to feel gorgeous. Such girls and women dress for themselves and not for others. They are least interested in attracting attention or being noticed. They wear revealing clothes just because they enjoy looking good.

3. Showing skin for material gains

Some women expose their bodies to get noticed and attract sexual attention. And this happens even outside show business. A girl may use her ‘assets’ to get the desired promotion or an increment in salary by appearing desirable to a male authority figure. She is aware of her superior’s weakness and cashes on it for material favors. Often, besides enticing him a bit with a little bit of skin show, she is not interested in taking matters ahead.

However, the frustrated superior either satisfies himself in fantasy, or asks her to make good on her non-verbal promises of sexual gratification by exchanging material benefits.

Women who consciously attract sexual attention for a purpose need to fully understand the deal they are getting into and take responsibility of their actions.

4. Exposing skin as a way to cope with low self-esteem

The need to expose is also found manifesting in a larger percentage of cases where girls suffer from low self-esteem or poor self-image. The narrow definition of beauty in the form of perfectly sculpted bodies of models is causing an increasing amount of self-esteem problems leading to anxiety, depression, and eating disorders like anorexia nervosa and bulimia.

There is a mad rush for cosmetic surgery miracles, some of which are causing serious health concerns. The belief that beauty is skin deep is being sold to us on TV commercials and in magazines.

A Case in Point

A concerned mother used to repeatedly tell her dark teenage daughter to use a certain fairness cream. This young girl’s self-esteem sank so low that she was caught in a dilemma. She was sexually maturing, her hormones were raging, and there was an urgent need for her to feel attractive to the opposite sex, so that her own primal needs could be fulfilled. Her immature mind found a solution to raise her self-esteem and cope with this dilemma. She was endowed with a full figure, which she started revealing with low necklines and high hemlines. She would dance at parties in a seductive manner. Needless to say, she got a whole lot of male attention, but was soon labelled as ‘easily available’, with the result that her self-worth hit rock bottom.

While we are discussing the reasons why a woman exposes her body, we need to remember that it is not how much you wear, or which parts of your body are covered that define modesty and culture, but the way you carry what you wear. It is the attitude of the person in the dress, the motivation behind wearing that dress, the body language of the person in the dress that makes it either modest or immodest.

A saree-clad woman can be immodest and attention-seeking through her body language, and a girl wearing a blouse with spaghetti straps can be modest and comfortable by the way she carries herself.

Although exposure is attitude-specific, it is sensible to dress in ways that are appropriate for the occasion, the time, the culture and the region in which you live. Take responsibility of your own actions and ensure that your dressing doesn’t give messages that you don’t want to give.

5. Flashing it for pleasure

According to modern psychiatry, exhibitionism is a form of perversion, in which a person derives sexual pleasure when s/he shocks people by exposing his or her body in a sudden, unexpected way. Majority of exhibitionists are impotent in other forms of heterosexual activity and seem to be pushed by an uncontrollable urge that leads to their impulsive behavior. According to Masters & Johnson, in many instances, a particular episode of exhibitionist behavior is triggered by a family conflict or a run-in with an authority figure.

A female exhibitionist may, at times, get away with her perversion remaining unnoticed by being in a profession in which she exhibits her body in unexpected ways, e.g. the show business where she can enjoy her fetish and derive sexual pleasure by watching shocked faces and raised eyebrows, and even get paid for it.

6. The Social Media Factor: Dressing for Digital Validation

One of the most significant developments in women’s clothing choices is the influence of social media platforms. Unlike previous generations who dressed primarily for their immediate social circle, today’s women often consider how their outfit will appear on camera, how it will perform in terms of likes and comments, and whether it aligns with current online trends.

The psychology here is complex. Social media has created what researchers call “continuous performance anxiety”—the feeling that one is always potentially being photographed or recorded. This has led to:

• Outfit Documentation Pressure: Many girls now plan outfits with the specific intention of posting them online
• Algorithm Awareness: Understanding that certain types of clothing and poses generate more engagement
• Influencer Mimicry: Copying styles that have proven successful for social media personalities
• FOMO Fashion: Fear of missing out on trends that could make one appear outdated online.

7. The Body Positivity Paradox

The body positivity movement has created an interesting contradiction in women’s dressing choices. While the movement encourages women to love their bodies regardless of size or shape, it has also, paradoxically, led some women to feel pressured to show more skin to prove they’re “body positive”.

This often manifests as:

• Feeling obligated to wear revealing clothing to demonstrate self-acceptance
• Internal conflict between personal comfort levels and movement expectations
• The pressure to be visibly confident about one’s body
• Confusion between empowerment and exhibition.

Related article » The Rape Crisis in India: High Time We Introspect?

Summing up

In our hyper-connected world of 2025, the reasons why women expose their bodies have evolved beyond traditional psychological explanations. We now see influences from social media algorithms that reward certain types of content, body positivity movements that encourage self-acceptance, and generation gaps that create vastly different perspectives on modesty and empowerment.

The Instagram generation doesn’t just dress for the mirror—they dress for the camera, for their personal brand, for their online persona. Yet, beneath these modern layers, the fundamental human needs remain – the desire for acceptance, validation, self-expression, and sometimes, yes, romantic attention.

Modesty isn’t determined by the amount of fabric covering someone’s body, but by the intention, attitude, and context behind their choices. A woman in a business suit can project inappropriate sexuality through her behavior, while someone in casual summer clothing can maintain complete dignity through her demeanor.

The key lies in fostering conversations that don’t shame women for their choices but encourage self-awareness about the motivations behind them. The key lies in fostering conversations that don’t shame women—or even men and non-binary individuals—for their clothing choices, while encouraging self-awareness about the motivations behind them.

Whether someone chooses to dress conservatively or boldly, the goal should be authenticity. In other words, dressing in alignment with one’s values, circumstances, and genuine self-expression rather than purely for external validation or societal pressure.

The digital age has given us new freedoms, but also new challenges. The question isn’t whether women should or shouldn’t expose their bodies—it’s whether they’re making these choices from a place of genuine self-expression and empowerment, or from external pressures they haven’t fully examined.

In the end, true confidence and attractiveness come from being comfortable in your own skin—quite literally—regardless of how much of that skin you choose to show the world.

Frequently Asked Questions

Editor’s note: The following questions emerged frequently in our reader discussions and social media conversations about this article. Our editorial team has compiled responses that synthesize current research, contemporary perspectives, and insights from our contributing experts.

My teenage daughter started dressing more revealing after her breakup. Should I be worried?

This happens more often than most parents realize. When a relationship ends, particularly a first significant one, teenagers often question their own worth. That shaken foundation can lead them toward quick solutions—seeking external affirmation to fill an internal void.

The clothes themselves aren’t what you should focus on. What’s underneath matters far more. Is she exploring different styles as part of typical teenage identity formation? Or is she frantically searching for evidence that she remains desirable?

Try to look deeper and check

• Has her entire emotional state become tethered to social media metrics?
• Do comments and likes dictate her mood?
• Are there accompanying changes—social withdrawal, academic struggles, concerning friendships?

Without these warning signs, what you’re seeing might simply be her way of rebuilding confidence after feeling unwanted. Sometimes fashion becomes a tool for reclaiming power after loss. And sometimes, that’s just what adolescence looks like.

The trap many parents fall into is attacking the wardrobe directly. This almost always fails, turning outfit choices into power struggles. Instead, explore the emotional terrain underneath. Try questions that open rather than close: “What’s this breakup been like for you?” “What makes you feel strong right now?”

Guide her toward building worth from genuine sources—accomplishments, capabilities, authentic relationships. When confidence grows from real ground, the hunger for constant external proof naturally fades.

True self-assurance doesn’t need perpetual outside confirmation. As we explored in our discussion of genuine self-esteem, it exists independent of others’ opinions.

Is it hypocritical for women to complain about objectification while wearing revealing clothes?

This question rests on a flawed premise: that exposed skin automatically causes objectification. That assumption deserves scrutiny.

Medical professionals examine unclothed bodies without sexualizing them. People notice physical attractiveness in others without mentally dismantling them into parts. What differs isn’t the amount of skin visible—it’s how the observer decides to engage.

University of Kent researchers found that setting trumps coverage. Study participants who saw bikini-clad women in contextually appropriate locations (beaches, swimming pools) didn’t automatically objectify them. What triggered dehumanization was the viewer’s deliberate focus on isolated body parts instead of complete human beings.

For example, when someone celebrates their physical confidence by wearing a crop top to a summer concert, they’ve chosen appropriate attire for that environment, simply wanting to feel unrestricted in their own skin. Does that forfeit their fundamental right to respectful treatment?

This question reveals widespread confusion between authentic empowerment and mere display. Can people honor their bodies while simultaneously demanding dignity? Of course. These aren’t opposing forces—they’re natural partners.

Nobody questions a man in board shorts who objects to harassment. We grasp that he’s just wearing practical summer clothing. Why apply different logic to women?

Objectification originates in the observer’s choices, not as an unavoidable result of fabric quantity. When we lose sight of this, we end up regulating garments instead of examining behavior.

My coworker dresses very revealing to client meetings. How do I address this professionally?

Before you do anything, ask yourself an honest question: Is this genuinely affecting work, or am I personally uncomfortable?

These represent distinct problems requiring separate approaches.

If clients have responded negatively, if deals have faltered, if professional standing has genuinely suffered—then yes, you’ve identified a real business issue. Gather specific evidence. Bring facts rather than judgments to your manager or HR: “During our last three client presentations, I observed clients focusing more on personal appearance than our actual proposal.”

But if this stems primarily from your own discomfort? That might signal an opportunity for introspection. Professional standards vary dramatically across industries. What seems inappropriate in finance might be completely standard in fashion, technology, or creative fields. Your colleague might grasp workplace culture better than you do.

Also consider whether your reaction to her clothing connects to your own insecurities. Are you truly worried about her professional image, or anxious about being overshadowed yourself?

If you remain convinced you should speak up, position it as caring inquiry rather than critique: “I’m invested in you being taken seriously at these meetings. Have you picked up on any concerning reactions?” Then let her evaluate and respond. She may understand dynamics you’re missing—perhaps these particular clients value informality.

Unless you hold a management or HR position, commenting on colleagues’ wardrobes rarely falls within your responsibilities. Channel energy into your own performance and trust her to navigate her professional decisions.

As we examined in our piece on authentic responsibility, real power emerges from managing our reactions, not attempting to control others.

Does research show that revealing clothing actually leads to more sexual assault?

Absolutely not. This ranks among the most destructive and enduring falsehoods about sexual violence.

A 2018 investigation published in the Journal of Interpersonal Violence documented what assault survivors actually had on during their attacks. The findings? Ordinary everyday items—denim jeans, basic t-shirts, athletic sweatpants. One person wore a heavy winter snowsuit. The “What Were You Wearing?” exhibition at the University of Kansas featured these genuine garments, starkly illustrating that attire means nothing to attackers.

Repeated studies support this conclusion. Temple University criminologists discovered that sexual predators choose targets based on apparent vulnerability and accessible opportunity—never hemlines or necklines. They identify body language indicating diminished confidence or distraction, not clothing styles.

What keeps this fiction alive? Possibly because it offers illusory control (“If I cover up, I’ll stay safe”) while dangerously transferring blame from perpetrators onto victims. It disguises victim-blaming as protective guidance.

The reality is simultaneously straightforward and freeing: Your wardrobe doesn’t trigger sexual violence. Offenders trigger sexual violence.

What genuinely reduces sexual assault?

• Education about consent
• Perpetrator accountability
• Addressing toxic masculinity patterns.
• Supporting survivors
• Strengthening reporting systems.

Note that monitoring hemlines is not on the list.

How do I know if I’m dressing for myself vs. seeking external validation?

Perhaps no other question about wardrobe choices cuts closer to truth. The answer demands unflinching self-honesty.

Consider this scenario: If nobody could possibly see you today—zero social media, no public encounters, complete solitude—would you still select this outfit? A genuine yes suggests you’re dressing authentically. If your first thought is “what would be the purpose then?” you’re probably prioritizing outside approval.

Try another angle: When someone praises your appearance, what surfaces emotionally? Simple pleasure at acknowledgment? Or overwhelming relief at receiving validation? Your reaction’s intensity and character reveals more than you might expect.

Watch for behavioral patterns. Do you reach for revealing items only when feeling inadequate, following harsh criticism, or after rejection experiences? This indicates you’re employing clothing as emotional self-medication through others’ responses rather than authentic expression.

Physical comfort also speaks volumes. Are you perpetually adjusting, pulling, feeling self-conscious in this clothing? When you sacrifice comfort for image, ask: Whose sake is this for?

Your inner dialogue regarding your clothing should go something like “This dress feels amazing—it boosts my confidence. And sure, I appreciate when people notice.” That’s what healthy social engagement feels like.

Problematic dependence sounds like: “I’m feeling worthless right now, but if I wear something attention-getting and collect enough reactions, maybe I’ll feel okay. I require others to confirm I’m attractive.”

Most people dress for both themselves and their social environment, which is perfectly human. We’re inherently social beings. Problems emerge when outside validation becomes your sole or dominant driver, making your self-worth hostage to others’ opinions.

If you’re serious about understanding your patterns, maintain a week-long wardrobe journal. Record your daily outfit, selection reasoning, pre- and post-wearing emotions, and whose validation you sought. Patterns become unmistakable.

Related » Does the Idea of Standing Out Excite You or Terrorize You?

Can you be body-positive and also prefer modest clothing?

Completely—and anyone claiming otherwise fundamentally misunderstands body positivity’s true meaning.

Body positivity centers on accepting your physical self without shame or impossible standards. It’s fundamentally about body autonomy—including complete control over how you present yourself.

The widespread confusion suggests body positivity requires displaying your body to demonstrate you value it. This simply introduces fresh pressure that contradicts the movement’s foundational intent. Wearing a bikini makes you no more “body positive” than wearing complete coverage—what actually matters is making that decision without shame.

Consider a a woman who chooses modest coverage for personal, spiritual, or cultural motivations while genuinely loving her body embodies body positivity entirely. Her confidence appears through rejecting shame-based shapeless hiding while maintaining her preferred coverage level. She’s transformed modesty from external obligation into personal choice.

Research from 2022 surveying 1,200 women revealed that 34% who identified as body positive preferred modest styles. They described feeling confident specifically because they faced no pressure to expose themselves for proof.

The expectation to reveal skin for demonstrating body confidence ironically represents yet another form of outside control over women’s physical autonomy. Authentic body positivity means championing all choices—crop tops and floor-length dresses alike.

As we explored discussing the nature of perfection, existence refuses to follow single templates. No solitary path leads to confidence or self-acceptance.

So, the real question you might ask yourself is: Am I making my clothing choices free from shame? That’s your only meaningful measure.

What should I do if revealing clothing is my industry standard but makes me uncomfortable?

This generates authentic internal conflict—financial necessity colliding with personal boundaries. That tension deserves acknowledgment, not dismissal.

Begin by determining whether revealing attire represents actual requirements or merely assumed workplace culture. Examine your formal dress policy. Frequently, revealing clothing reflects what colleagues wear rather than what’s mandated, offering more latitude than you realize.

Where interpretation space exists, locate strategic middle territory.

• Fitness industry: Form-fitting athletic wear avoiding excessive cropping or tightness.
• Entertainment sector: Elegant cuts suggesting shape without extensive exposure.
• Hospitality: Professionally tailored uniforms that flatter appropriately.

Consider developing your personal brand around distinctive styling that reads as polished and attractive while providing more coverage. Numerous successful women in revealing-clothing fields gained recognition precisely through their signature covered approach.

But, if you’re facing explicit pressure toward revealing attire outside written requirements, that may constitute harassment or discrimination—particularly when standards vary by gender or clothing isn’t strictly role-necessary. Record these interactions. Approach HR directly: “I aim to present professionally while honoring my comfort boundaries. Can we explore options together?”

Learn to recognize warning signs:

• Supervisors commenting on your physical form rather than work quality
• Revealing attire connected to tips, commissions, or advancement
• Retaliation for choosing modest coverage.

These indicate toxic environments potentially worth exiting when alternatives exist.

Your discomfort constitutes legitimate information, not something requiring suppression. Healthy workplaces prioritize your competence over your body’s visibility.

Sometimes the honest answer involves seeking employment aligned with your values. Your psychological wellbeing and personal integrity carry worth beyond salary figures.

My Instagram engagement drops when I post “modest” outfit photos. Is that in my head?

No, you’re identifying a genuine pattern confirmed by data.

Later Media’s 2024 analysis examining 100,000 fashion influencer posts discovered that images displaying more skin averaged 37% higher engagement than modest outfit content—after controlling for image quality, posting timing, and audience size.

Multiple factors drive this. Biological: Humans instinctively notice bodies—revealing clothing captures scrolling attention faster. Algorithmic: Instagram’s systems reward engagement without ethical filters, producing feedback loops where revealing content receives broader distribution. Cultural: Social platforms have normalized exposure levels once considered shocking.

This creates authentic psychological tension, particularly for younger women. The decision becomes: genuine self-expression or platform success.

Here’s what you could do:

• Diversify your strategy beyond competing in revealing-clothing territory
• Build alternative value—educational material, personality-driven content, humor, authentic storytelling
• Find your niche

Modest fashion sustains its own robust communities.

Alternatively, deploy the algorithm tactically. Periodically include form-fitting (though not necessarily revealing) material to preserve visibility while predominantly sharing values-aligned content. This negotiates authenticity with platform mechanics.

You might also fundamentally redefine success. If Instagram achievement requires value compromise, perhaps Instagram achievement isn’t your appropriate target. Many fulfilled creators cultivate smaller, deeply engaged audiences on platforms better matching their principles.

Reduced engagement on modest content doesn’t indicate inferior quality—it reflects algorithmic and user biases. You choose whether to accommodate those biases or construct something different.

Attempt a month-long experiment: Share only authentically meaningful content, ignoring engagement forecasts. Monitor actual numbers, but prioritize tracking how you experience your content creation. The data often throws up surprises. And sometimes psychological health improvement outweighs engagement metrics.

As we wrote about mutual respect: extend to yourself the treatment you’d offer others. That includes your online presence.

A Final Thought

These questions reveal something worth considering: Women’s clothing choices exist in a web of personal preference, social pressure, cultural expectations, professional requirements, and digital dynamics. Simple answers are rare—and that’s okay.

The goal is to make choices that align with your values, circumstances, and authentic self-expression. Whether those choices lean revealing, modest, or anywhere between, they’re valid as long as they’re genuinely yours.

If you’re struggling with these issues, consider speaking with a therapist specializing in body image, self-esteem, or women’s issues. Sometimes an objective professional perspective helps untangle what you truly want from what you’ve been conditioned to want.

This is an updated version of the article that was first published in the August 2011 issue of Complete Wellbeing magazine.

This article was last updated on 13^th December 2025.

The post Why Do Women Dress to Expose Their Skin? A Psychotherapist Answers appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

These heart-wrenching dilemmas can shape not only the life of the child but also the entire family dynamic. A mother’s response in such moments becomes a defining factor in determining the emotional wellbeing and future of her child. Let’s explore real-life scenarios that reveal the crucial role of maternal intervention in times of paternal rejection.

When a Father Rejects His Child

Case 1: When the Mother is Unable to Act Forcefully

Sudhir’s mother chose her own survival over her son’s emotional safety. As a child, Sudhir was regularly subjected to verbal and physical abuse by his father for even the smallest infractions, such as not responding quickly enough when called. His monthly allowance was accompanied by hurtful insults like “you good-for-nothing, living off my wealth.” This escalated to public humiliation in adulthood, including being caned in front of guests for a minor car accident.

Sudhir’s mother, despite her meek pleas for mercy, remained passive due to her own financial insecurities. She neither asserted herself nor considered leaving the abusive marriage, effectively failing to protect her son. By the age of 24, Sudhir was diagnosed with schizophrenia, and at 32, he still cowers in fear at the sound of his father’s footsteps, scarred by the deep wounds of rejection and neglect.

Case 2: When the Mother Fails to Take a Stand

Ajit’s story mirrors Sudhir’s in many ways, yet his outcome was different. Ajit always dreamed of becoming a fashion designer, a passion that his father dismissed as disgraceful.

Ajit would dress up his sister’s dolls, and sketch pretty women. He would his mother and sisters on their clothes, for which his father labeled him “gay” in a derogatory manner, rejecting both his talent and his identity.

During one particularly humiliating episode, Ajit left home, deeply wounded by his father’s rejection. His mother, who remained a silent bystander throughout his torment, did nothing to support him. Today, Ajit is a successful yet bitter fashion designer. His unresolved pain manifests in volatile relationships with his family and staff, and he continues to seek validation from the father who rejected him. Despite his success, Ajit remains haunted by his mother’s inaction, wishing she had stood by him when he needed her the most.

Case 3: When the Father Rejects His Child But Mother Stands By

Rohini’s experience reveals a different path. Her father, a self-made businessman, provided her with material comforts but imposed strict rules on her behavior, including forbidding her from interacting with boys. When Rohini, at 19, was caught outside an ice-cream parlor with a boy, her father exploded with anger, calling her derogatory names and threatening to cut off her allowance.

In contrast to the previous stories, Rohini’s mother stood firm in her defense, even when her husband threatened to throw both of them out. With her mother’s unwavering support, Rohini moved to a hostel, and her mother continued to encourage her to be independent and true to herself. Today, Rohini is a self-assured woman, forever grateful for her mother’s courage and guidance.

The Mother’s Response is Crucial

These cases highlight a key truth: when a father rejects his child, the mother’s response can shape the trajectory of the child’s life. Whether driven by fear, financial dependence, or emotional insecurity, a mother’s decision to remain passive can have devastating consequences. Conversely, when a mother steps up to defend her child, she can empower her child to face the world with confidence.

Families where one or both parents fail to prioritize the child’s welfare often become dysfunctional, leaving children feeling emotionally orphaned. The resulting emotional damage can manifest in mental health issues, behavioral problems, and a misguided search for love and validation elsewhere. When a mother neglects her role as the child’s protector, the child feels abandoned, leading to anger, anxiety, and depression. But when a mother stands firm in her role, her children grow into empowered, independent adults.

Case 4: When the Mother Takes Charge

Seema, a mother of two, faced regular verbal abuse from her husband but coped by focusing on raising her children and earning a living through private tutoring. The situation escalated when her husband began verbally attacking their children and refused to finance their higher education. Seema, realizing she could tolerate the abuse herself but not her children’s rejection, took decisive action. She filed for divorce, determined to provide for her children even with her limited means.

Seema’s children, inspired by their mother’s courage, worked hard and achieved successful careers. They remain grateful for her strength and resolve in choosing their well-being over her own comfort.

Why a Mother’s Role is Sacred

Existence has entrusted the mother with the sacred work of nurturing life in the form of the children born through her [referred to as life’s longing for itself by Kahlil Gibran], and therefore you need to live up to the trust placed in you as caregivers to these children. Kahlil Gibran says in The Prophet,

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Summing Up

Mothers are the stabilizing force in a child’s life, guiding them toward their potential, even when the father falters. When a father rejects his child, the mother’s decision to either step in or stand aside profoundly impacts the emotional and psychological health of the child. A mother’s strength, support, and unconditional love are the foundation upon which a child builds their future.

Last updated on 24^th September 2024

The post When a Father Rejects His Child, the Mother’s Response Is Crucial appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

I have counseled a number of people who have come to me with feelings of guilt because their close friend has died by suicide. They feel as if they have failed their departed friend by not doing enough to save them. They mull over whether they could have done something.

If you have a severely depressed or suicidal friend, you may find yourself in a very precarious position where you want to urgently do something but see yourself as helpless in the face of severe clinical depression.

So is there any kind of intervention that you can offer to a suicidal friend, to stop their downward spiral? And what are the limitations you must accept in such a scenario?

There are several factors that contribute to the tendency of an individual feeling suicidal. Let’s look at each of them.

Factors That Contribute to Suicidal Feelings

Psychological factors

Flexibility

This is the first principle of emotional health. It is a ‘demanding’ philosophy which is at the core of all emotional disturbances. If we did not hold on to rigid demands that things must only be a certain way, life would not be hard. It is perfectly okay to have desires and preferences of how you would like your life to be. It is only when these desires are escalated to ‘absolute must haves’ that they become a problem.

Perspective

If a person thinks that every moment of their life is a catastrophe instead of keeping things in perspective, they come down a lot harder on themselves. For instance, if I view every unpleasant situation as ‘awful’, or every disappointment as a ‘disaster’, I would find it untenable to continue to live. So taking the disappointments, inconveniences and discomforts of life into context is the next requirement for emotional health.

You need to accept your shortcomings and realize that neither you nor anyone else is perfect.

Objectivity

Most youth today have very low frustration tolerance and quickly label any discomfort or something that they don’t like as intolerable or unbearable. But we all survive so many discomforts and disappointments and live to tell the story. It’s when we do not realize our capabilities of handling difficulties and frustrations that we tend to engage in self-defeating self-talk. We begin to feel hopeless and resigned and start to behave in ways that are anti-life.

As a mental health professional I feel it is imperative that everyone understands that human beings can both construct and destroy. We have the ability to resolve problems as well as to self-sabotage, and therefore you must know that it is one’s conscious choice as to the kind of self-talk one chooses to engage in, because that is what determines how you face the many challenges life throws your way.

External factors and internal factors

There is often a debate about whether people become suicidal because of their circumstances, or because of internal factors [their psychological state or their genetic makeup]. The truth is that both factors play a role. Environmental factors like social isolation, poor family support, sudden loss or abusive relationships increase the risk of suicide. However, not everyone exposed to such situations wishes to die. Therefore internal factors clearly play a part. If one is genetically predisposed to depression, is clinically depressed, has high expectations from oneself, or has a tendency to suppress emotions, the risk of suicide definitely increases.

Bio-Psycho-Socio factors

When a person is identified as being at risk of self-harm, an intervention is needed to tackle both the internal and external factors, i.e. at a biological, psychological, and sociological.

Biological

A psychiatric assessment is required to give a person suffering from depression anti-depressant medication. This should be done by a psychiatrist in a hospital along with the support of a parent/partner/friend/volunteer at home. Resources like a suicide helpline, psychiatric emergency team and family doctor should be available on call to prevent a suicide attempt. Never leave the suicidal or depressed person alone and keep weapons and dangerous substances away.

Psychological

Teach the depressed individual the principles of flexibility, keeping things in perspective and objectivity to change their self-defeating self-talk, and help them to consciously choose pro-life beliefs irrespective of their circumstances.

Sociological

Help to negotiate changes in the environment e.g. relationship counseling in the case of poor family relationships or empowering them to get out of abusive relationships, cajoling the individual to create a support system by associating with a group of friends, a religious group, or any forum, and engaging in activities on a regular basis to reduce the social isolation.

In case of some kind of loss [whether the death of a loved one or the ending of a relationship, loss of reputation or finances, or a loss of a dream/life envisioned for oneself], facilitate the grieving process and then discuss the fact that there is life beyond that event, and encourage the individual to act against his/her withdrawal impulses.

How to Help a Friend Who is Feeling Suicidal

Coping with depression and suicidal thoughts is about remaining in the driver’s seat at all times, and not being a slave to your genes, your thoughts, or even your circumstances. Here are suggestions to follow if you have a depressed and/or suicidal friend:

• Communicate your concern about their emotional wellbeing
• Suggest professional help in the form of a psychiatrist [who would medicate if necessary] and a psychotherapist [who would help to reverse depressive thought patterns]
  • Fix an appointment for your friend and accompany them for the first few appointments
  • Talk to the family of the friend, expressing your concern and ask them to be involved in the process by monitoring the medication and therapy sessions
• Keep in touch with your suicidal friend; encourage and invite them to socialize with a few close friends so that isolation is prevented
• Encourage your friend to be involved in a creative pursuit, some fulfilling work or a social/religious group to keep them constructively occupied
• Help create a support system with a combination of family, friends, volunteers, and helpline numbers that the suicidal friend can turn to whenever they are feeling particularly down
• Listen to your suicidal friend patiently whenever they call and motivate them to remain engaged in therapy and to take the prescribed medication sincerely
• Help with accessing a psychiatric team or with hospitalization procedures if ever necessary in an emergency.

If you have dared to care for your depressed or suicidal friend, extended your help and support in all the ways mentioned above, then know that you have done your best.

And if, in spite of your best efforts, your friend decides to end it all, simply pray for them and make peace with the fact that we are ultimately responsible for all our own choices, and that no one can or should assume responsibility for others.

Real Case: How Rohan helped her suicidal friend

Seema was an ad-film director in a production house. She had a breakdown on the sets on more than one occasion. Her producer Rohan expressed his concern about her emotional wellbeing and told Seema to use him as a sounding board if she ever needed someone to talk to. Seema started sharing some of her troubles regularly while he listened with empathy. One night she called to say she thought she was having a heart attack. He rushed over and took her to a nearby hospital, but all medical investigations were normal, it was diagnosed as a panic attack.

These attacks started happening frequently and he would help to calm her over the phone, but kept insisting that she should urgently see a professional counselor to resolve the deeper issues that were troubling her. She refused and said she preferred to talk only to him. One day she called hysterically crying and said that she didn’t want to live any more and planned to end her life. He rushed to her home where she lived alone and found her in a very distraught state. She had overdosed on anti-histamine medication. He called an ambulance and took her to a hospital. Her stomach was pumped and he stayed with her overnight.

The hospital psychiatrist paid her a visit and asked her to take some anti-depressant medication; through all this drama Rohan stuck around. When she was discharged, Rohan insisted that she see a psychotherapist along with continuing to take the medication. So he made an appointment for her to see me and even accompanied her for the session. He came in first to brief me about her reluctance to visit me. We then had several sessions and he would continue to accompany her, sitting in the waiting room during the session. He called her mother in Pune and informed her about the gravity of the situation and suggested that she live with Seema for a while to ensure that she took the medication and also to ensure that she did not make another suicide attempt.

Soon the medication and therapy empowered Seema with better coping skills. Rohan now no longer accompanied her to the sessions with me but kept in touch via email to check whether she was keeping her appointments.

Rohan had correctly recognized the need for professional intervention and had stretched himself to ensure that she got the right kind of help and family support. He also recognized his own limitations, which could not go beyond being an empathic listener. His timely intervention averted a possible successful suicide attempt.

— Names have been changed to protect identities

Last updated on 17^th June 2020

The post How to Help a Friend Who is Feeling Suicidal appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

A girl is born…

The new father then informs his mother about the baby girl, immediately following it up with, “What matters is that mother and child are both okay.” “Of course,” replies his mother in a consoling manner. She then says to the daughter-in-law’s mother who is squirming uncomfortably, “Goddess Laxmi has arrived in our family”. In saying these words, she emits an air of large-heartedness, and waits for an acknowledgement of the same. The daughter-in-law’s mother immediately obliges by saying, “That’s so kind of you, my daughter is lucky to be married in your family.”

She feels humiliated that she has to receive the grace of the son-in-law’s family. The new father, in a perplexed state, goes to share the news and distribute some sweets among his relatives and friends, putting up a brave front. As he is doing this he is thinking of the dowry of the girl child, and imagining that he is receiving pitiful looks from those who are congratulating him.

While all this is going on, the new-born baby is oblivious to the happenings around her, but gradually starts catching on with the vibes in the family.

it’s a girl, says the nurse to the nervous father with a weak smile, looking almost apologetic

Class, caste and creed no bar

This attitude towards the girl child is prevalent in the rich and the poor alike, sometimes blatant and at other times, subtle. Of course there are exceptions, but they are very, very few. And the worst part is that this biased attitude and inequality comes from the parents, whose flesh and blood she is and to whom she looks for unconditional love and acceptance. The mother is upset that she cannot have the pride of having provided the family heir to her husband. It is a son that she craves, to feel empowered in the family.

XX and XY

Just one chromosome, and the baby’s entire destiny is changed forever. So, who is this person with a set of ‘X’ and ‘X’ chromosomes? She is as much a person, as the person with a set of ‘X’ and ‘Y’ chromosomes. But, for those around her, that is not so.

Jyotsna, a 44-year-old married woman, was deeply depressed when she was brought to me, and said that she just did not want to live anymore. She said that as far back as she could remember, she had always felt that she was unwanted and not accepted for the person that she was. She said the following words in an anguished voice :

“For the mother, the daughter brings tension while the son brings pride. For the father, the daughter is a burden while the son is a support. For the brother, the sister is someone who undeservedly partakes of the family wealth. For the husband, the wife is someone with whom he can do as he pleases. For the son, the mother is the provider of all his needs. Who am I? I seem to have lost myself, and life just doesn’t feel worth living”.

“Let me be me”

Harsha, called Harsh by her father, was always told, “You are my son”. Her father had set an agenda for Harsha’s life, and held her ransom to it. Unless she conformed to his agenda of being a son, she wouldn’t receive his love.

Harsha’s heart craved to be a Montessori teacher, but her father would not hear of it. She was his son, and would be a chartered accountant, and that was that.

So badly did she want his love and approval that she went against her calling to become a chartered accountant and get a high-powered job, all the time checking back to see whether she was receiving parental love and approval. So desperate was she for this acceptance that she suppressed almost all female instincts in herself, gaining more and more power in her position at work—until one day, she fell in love.

After marriage she faced major problems. In her husband’s family men ate first, and only when they had finished did the womenfolk eat. She wasn’t even allowed to read the newspaper in the mornings, as that was “for the men”. Harsha found this contrasting lifestyle humiliating. The conflict in her increased progressively. She felt trapped between being the “son” her parents could be proud of, and being the “submissive daughter-in-law” her in-laws wanted her to be. She had suffered a nervous breakdown when brought to me, and had to embark on a painful journey to rediscover, accept and love the person inside her.

During family therapy, her parents claimed complete ignorance of their contribution to the problem, saying, “But we are so proud of her, we keep telling her she is our son.” It took a long, frustrating session to help them realise that their daughter had never been acknowledged and unconditionally accepted as the person she was. Instead, she had been given a job description right from the moment of her birth, which was to be who they wanted her to be—their son.

Double standards

Minakshi’s mother brought her to me complaining of sibling rivalry between Minakshi and her brother, “She is so jealous of her brother, I don’t know why she behaves in this way,” said her mother. According to her, Minakshi was not mature enough to understand that “after all, she is a girl, and he is a boy”.

On asking Minakshi what the matter was in private, a huge dam burst with a never-ending flood of tears. She spoke about how special foods were made for her brother, which she wasn’t allowed to touch, even if they rotted. If she spoke of justice and fairness, she was labelled “greedy and jealous”. Her brother could have whatever he laid his fingers on, while Minakshi had to choose from cheap sales, and accept her mother’s hand-me downs. For birthdays, her brother was bought the most expensive product in the market, whereas Minakshi was either given some money to buy herself a gift, or given a much-hyped, much exaggerated cheap gift.

Minakshi had recently been engaged. When selecting jewellery for her wedding from the family jewels, her mother first kept the most valuable pieces aside for her brother saying, “This is for your brother; however, you can select whatever you want from the rest, we do not want to differentiate between both of you”. This obvious contradiction in word and deed was the last straw. Minakshi completely lost control and became hysterical. She broke off the engagement and stopped eating at home. When she tried committing suicide, she was accused of “bringing shame to the family with her actions”.

Rights and wrongs

According to Hindu law, sons and daughters are equal heirs to the parental estate. Most parents, however, assign most of the wealth to their sons in their will. And just to save themselves from guilt, leave something to their daughter, even if the daughter becomes who they want—their obedient, wish-fulfilling “son”.

Of course, this rule does not apply to biological sons. Even if the sons turn out to be demanding, pampered and spoilt brats, their chromosomes are enough for them to “rightfully deserve” all that the parents have to give—affection and wealth. The daughter does not have the rights of a biological child, but must perform the duties, whereas the son has the rights of the biological child, whether he performs the duties or not.

Dr Sonam, a highly qualified paediatric dentist, cringed when after marrying a famous gynaecologist, her mother-in-law said, “You are lucky to have in-laws like us who allow you to practice.” The word “allow” makes her blood boil till today. She claims that since she has worked as hard as her husband to be where she is, she does not need anyone to allow or disallow her to practice.

A girl is different from a boy biologically and psychologically in many aspects, and we need to respectfully acknowledge that

“Bearing” a girl child

Female infanticide and foeticide continue. There are couples like Mohan and Lata even today, who continue to have children till they have a son. Mohan and Lata continued giving birth to daughters in the hope of having a son. They stopped after four daughters, after Lata had to have a hysterectomy due to multiple fibroids in her uterus. Mohan defensively says today, “I’m a proud father of four girls,” but his bitter expression gives everything away.

Often, if the couple has decided on two children, and the second one is a daughter after the first daughter, the second one experiences a deep-seated feeling of rejection. This feeling stems from the parents’ disappointment that she is not a son.

Sagar and Shilpa came to me to talk about Neha, the younger of their two daughters, who would throw temper tantrums, cry uncontrollably, pick fights at school, and speak of wanting to die. It was discovered that both parents were deeply disappointed that she was not a son, but had never ever spoken about it openly. Neha had picked up the vibes, though, and this feeling of being rejected for who she was, became the undercurrent in her life.

Different but equal

I’d like to make it amply clear that while discussing the prejudice against the XX chromosome, I am in no way proclaiming that women are superior to men. Also, this isn’t a typical bra-burning women’s liberation endeavour, which unrealistically claims that women can or should do absolutely everything that a man can do. The opposite is equally untrue; men are not superior to women and neither can men claim to or should do everything a woman can do. Therefore, both need to respectfully and gracefully accept that they are both equal but different.

Love without reservations

A girl is different from a boy biologically and psychologically in many aspects, and we need to respectfully acknowledge that. There are, of course, certain areas like dressing and nights out in which unfortunately, some restrictions have to be placed on girls, given the present social environment in which we live. But these so-called restrictions are not manifestations of inequality in love or acceptance of the child. On the contrary, they are manifestations of care for the safety of the girl-child. However, such matters need to be lovingly explained and will be understood in the same spirit, if the basic inequality in the attitudes of the parents towards sons and daughters cease to exist.

If the boy-child and the girl-child are both equally and unconditionally loved, accepted and respected for who they are, we will have healthier relationships between men and women.

Certain pockets of society are slowly changing, with more and more girl-child adoptions taking place. Excellence is the antidote to all discrimination, and women are proving their worth in society by excelling in varied fields. The sad part, however, is that they have to prove their worth.

Male and female, are equal, opposite, complementary and inseparable, and life cannot exist without both

Together they make a whole

The relationship between the two genders can be compared to a magnet. A magnet has two poles—north and south. Both these poles have three qualities: they are opposite, they are of equal intensity, and they are inseparable.

Opposite doesn’t mean opposition. While the two poles are completely opposite, they are not in opposition to each other i.e. they are not against each other. In fact, they are greatly attracted to each other with neither having a greater or lesser magnetic pull but being of equal magnetic strength and intensity, they are inseparable. A magnet cannot exist only with one pole. In fact, if you cut a magnet, it automatically develops the opposite pole for it to exist. As such, both poles are complementary to each other with neither being superior or inferior.

This example can also be extended to electricity. We know that for electricity to flow, there must be a negative charge and a positive charge with the electrons flowing from one to another. There can be no electricity without these two opposite charges. Similarly, the two genders are equal, opposite, complementary and inseparable, and life cannot exist without both.

Yin and Yang or Shiva and Shakti are inseparable and equally form the Divine life force —Chi in Chinese and Prana in Sanskrit—and the wholeness of existence.

I dream of a day when the chromosomes will cease to matter, one way or the other; when the person inside the body will be all-important; and when human love will unconditionally flow towards another human—that is the day when men and women will both be truly liberated.

The post Men and women: different but equal appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Dear Mr. Arvind Kejriwal,

Who are you?

Gandhi? Bhagat Singh? Robin Hood? Hitler? Charlie Chaplin? The Messiah?

The television images of your small frame moving swiftly in procession with your followers, appears not unlike the ‘Dandi March’ of Gandhi to me.

While you try to play the quintessential political underdog and sympathy-seeking victim of the system, your comical attire of the topi-muffler-jhadoo combo replete with your trademark moustache and cough, makes many view you as a ‘political Charlie Chaplin’.

The remarks and behaviour of your coterie reminds one of the mythical Robin Hood and his band of Merrymen. The way you’ve threatened the administration, demanded your way at gun point, sorry! I meant dharna point, ignored the judiciary and disregarded every norm while fighting ‘for the country’ is akin to Bhagat Singh. And you have your very own Rajguru [Somnath Bharti] in tow.

There are many who view you as another Hitler with your Gestapo in the making, intent on a ‘class cleansing’ with your ‘Aam Aadmi’ vs. ‘Khaas Aadmi’ agenda. He was so sure he was doing the right thing and the rest of course is history…

Your promise of a new political system to replace the old and your message to all of ‘follow me and my Lokpal bill, as I am the way’, has shown suffering Indians the dream of a new dawn. It has given them the hope of a corruption-free India. So then, are you the Messiah and the saviour that this country has been waiting for?

So Arvind, should we admire you, pity you, fear you, or revere you?

From what I have seen in media reports, you have often been described by the media as:

Arvind the agitator: due to your dharna politics at the cost of inconveniencing the public.

Arvind the arrogant: due to your selective disregard for systems and processes, including your recent unwillingness to furnish the bail bond, blatantly ignoring the judicial system and due process.

Arvind the anarchist: due to your own declaration. You are abetting anarchy by asking uniformed officers to give up their jobs of maintaining law and order to join you in your mission.

Arvind the adamant: due to your unapologetic and inflexible stances on all matters, remaining unyielding and unwilling to negotiate with anyone over anything.

Arvind the antagonist: due to your rigid, bull-headed and undemocratic way of functioning within your own party. You are unwilling to be open to a view other than your own, thus antagonising the likes of Shazia Ilmi, Anjali Damania, Capt. Gopinath and several others.

Arvind the accuser: due to your sensationalist, defamatory statements and your over-generalising view of all politicians and those who do not toe your line.

Arvind the actor: due to your meticulous brand-building of a clean and righteous political underdog. You are trying to portray the aam aadmi [ordinary man], with the perfect costume of the jhadoo [broom], muffler and topi [cap], while camping on the perfect location of the cold Delhi streets to fight for the ordinary Indian.

Arvind the absurd: due to your flip-flopping over forming the Delhi government with Congress support. This was followed by the referendum game with the public, pouting over the Lokpal bill and walking out of government…only to return once again and wanting to form the government. This can only be called the theatre of the absurd.

Arvind the argumentative: due to your unwillingness to acknowledge and apologise until pushed to do so; but you can justify your stances and argue relentlessly.

Arvind the angry: due to your impulsive and irresponsible threats as C.M. about filling the Rajpath with your followers and not allowing Republic Day if your demands are not met.

Arvind the abusive: due to your view that Khap Panchayats serve a ‘cultural purpose’. Thus you indirectly endorse their harsh treatment of women. Also you justified the unlawful behaviour of Somnath Bharti and his cronies toward the Ugandan women in Delhi.

Arvind the aggressive: due to your words when you were C.M. saying that any irresponsible media should be thrown into jail. And also when you flexed your political muscle demanding police officers be dismissed without due process.

Arvind the abandoner: due to your betrayal of the trust of the people of Delhi. They placed their faith in you by giving you their valuable vote. However you abandoned the administration of the city over a Lokpal pout.

Arvind the addict: due to your addiction of getting your daily fix of featuring on prime time television. You resort to any and every antic to get your 15 minutes of fame in a news slot… preferably every day.

Arvind, tell me something. What’s with flouting every norm and every rule in the rule book? Don’t you know the folly of throwing the baby with the bath water? Aakhir Arvind Kejriwal ko itna gussa kyun aata hai?

I fully accept that sometimes, some structures have to be demolished and out of the box thinking needs to be employed to find solutions and for liberation from mediocrity. But to rebel without any discernment about which structure to break and which to maintain is foolish and might I add, counter-productive. You are not starring in Rang De Basanti; this is not ‘reel life’ but ‘real life’ with ‘real people’ seeking ‘real and sustainable solutions’ from someone who lives in and accepts ‘reality’.

When I look at you on television, I see you as a genuine and sincere activist gone astray.

Many who emulated you, used angry protests through the streets and being satirically abusive as a ‘fashion statement’. But your subsequent antics have made it no longer fashionable to be associated with you. Activism is healthy and even necessary, as it seeks to constructively negotiate solutions. But your arrogance and obstinacy is neither healthy, nor necessary, nor helpful and can only be counter-productive.

It’s time to admit that being a ‘verbal terrorist’ has not always served you well. While you and your eloquent orators started enjoying the sound of your own voices, you didn’t once realise that you were being too smart for your own good. Using verbal ammunition with arrogance on news channels; neither you nor your party once stopped to think that the ‘ends do not justify the means’.

You created a class war by naming your party the Aam Aadmi Party, and pitted yourself against whoever you chose to call the Khaas Aadmi. Don’t you get it, that in a democracy the duly elected representatives of the people are in fact the aam aadmi? And that floating a parallel democracy in a democratic country can only meet the fate your party has recently met in the general elections?

Those who originally admired you but subsequently disagreed with some of your ways were also labelled as ‘elitist ‘ by you.

You justify taking to the streets every now and then and call it a ‘superior way’. Preferring to administer from the streets than from an air-conditioned cabin, you can be accused of creating a dangerous class divide.

But remember Arvind, the streets you are proud of are the same streets where the Delhi gang-rape happened. And it is from air-conditioned cabins, from which rich philanthropists donate for social causes and do a lot of good work. And it is from such cabins that your party too has received much support.

How can you brush aside the intelligentsia of those who have a differing point of view about your ways? Kiran Bedi, Captain Gopinath and Chetan Bhagat have all tried to give you constructive feedback.

How are you different from the arrogant Americans who said, ‘If you are not with us, you are against us’?

Your unholy sense of righteousness and attitude of ‘my way or the highway’ has made many of your early supporters sadly leave you. When you defend that which cannot be defended, no right thinking Indian will continue to support you.

The Khap Panchayat in Bengal sentenced a woman to a gang-rape under certain circumstances, whille Somnath Bharti and his men sanctioned a gang-raid and gang-chase of Ugandan women based on a Mohalla Comittee’s insistence. You can surely be asked, how then is AAP different from KHAP? And does that not also reek of racism against Ugandans?

When Somnath Bharti and you choose to be prosecutor, judge, jury, and hangman, do you really think you are being democratic? To me it seems more like a ‘democratic-sounding  Taliban’.

You have allowed those from your inner circle like Kumar Vishwas to get away with gender and region bias under the garb of humour. His crass comment on dark-skinned nurses from Kerala, have not been punished. Tell me Arvind, how can a sexist, colour-biased party ever protect women’s rights? Which is not only about protecting women’s bodies but also about protecting their self-worth and self-esteem!

So when you are seen as sexist, classist and racist why does it upset you?

As for me, I see you as an impatient and impulsive yet innocent child, who is intolerant of perceived injustice and insistent on instant gratification of your version of justice.

Arvind, I do acknowledge that your original desire for a corruption-free India has merit and validity, but your ways are leading your dream awry.

Your belief is that you must have what you want when you want and how you want it. You clearly have entitlement issues, a very low impulse control, very low frustration tolerance, a ‘holier-than-thou’ attitude. Your unhealthy sense of righteousness is coupled with the need to over-generalise and punish those who differ from your views. You are also closed, rigid and inflexible, which makes it impossible for you to see reason. Therefore it’s impossible for anyone to be able to negotiate solutions with you.

Arvind, you need some therapy and a prolonged Vipassana retreat before you self-destruct and/or behave in ways that defeat your own goals. There is so much potential in you, so much energy, yet so little that is getting actualised because of your unwillingness to think more rationally, emote more moderately, relate more reasonably and behave more functionally.

I am not a politician, nor a social worker, nor from the media, just a well-meaning observer of your socio-political journey. However, I do believe that the wellbeing of sincere and dedicated people like you is imperative for the wellbeing of our great nation.

Therefore I urge you to introspect and deeply reflect on all I have said before it is too late. I can see that the midwife [the media] who helped give birth to you is standing by to crucify and cremate you.

Here’s wishing you an inward journey of soul-searching and reflection and hoping that you actualise your great potential.

— Dr Minnu R Bhonsle, PhD, Consulting Psychotherapist

[The views expressed in this post are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official opinion of Complete Wellbeing magazine or its editors and publishers.]

The post A psychotherapist’s open letter to Arvind Kejriwal appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

The truth is that the sentencing has not closed anything, but in fact opened up the urgent need for deep reflection in society as to where the problem really lies, and therefore what the solution really is.

Realistically speaking, can fear really be a deterrent for a potential rapist or murderer?

Instant Gratification

Fear has never been a sustainable motivation for transformation. This is demonstrated by the fact that in spite of the statutory warning on cigarette packs, and the gory visuals of death from smoking shown in movie theatres and on television, people still continue to smoke, chew tobacco. Drug addicts have remained addicts even after watching their fellow addicts die because of the same.

This proves that when there is temptation and the urge to instantly gratify your impulses, fear is impotent. The epidemic of discomfort intolerance and need for instant gratification makes people allow their rationale to be superseded by their impulses, and therein lies a major problem.

Thrill-seeking

Moreover, the need to assert one’s autonomy is an existential need. Therefore any form of enforcement [by law or otherwise] creates an existential rebellion, whether overt or covert, which will manifest immediately or later on, in some form or the other.

We see youth across every economic and social strata challenging authority at home and outside in different forms. This need to assert one’s autonomy can also take an extreme form by challenging the law, by doing ‘daring’ acts and seeking validation for the same, by engaging in extreme adventure sports. Therefore, if the fear of death does not stop their thrill seeking, why would it stop them from instantly gratifying their sexual exploits? Moreover, if this is taking place under the influence of alcohol, or if the individual has a psychopathic/sociopathic personality, no fear of a death penalty can deter him. In fact, such pathological thrill seekers are more attracted to the ‘forbidden fruit’ and find a thrill in playing with the law.

Unthinking acts

Then there are the ‘acts of passion’ or of ‘temporary insanity’, where heinous crimes are committed in a totally ‘unthinking’ state e.g. honour killings. Here again, the law will be impotent. You have to ‘think’ about the future consequences for the fear to be generated, and therefore, one who acts first and thinks later cannot be deterred by fear.

Which is why whether it is the ‘unthinking’ ragging on campuses or even sexual harassment at the workplace, nothing has really ever stopped in spite of stringent laws in developed countries.

Hate

Rape is often seen as a crime of hate and violence. If a child is raised by a violent mother or subjected to being exploited by a woman, if he witnesses cruelty by the mother towards a submissive father, if he experiences injustice towards him because he is a boy and views girls as being unduly accommodated because of their gender and getting away with mean and unfair acts, if as a young man he views the family court laws as skewed in favour of the woman, if he witnesses women threatening to use the law against men as a means of exercising power and control, he might develop deep hatred for women and seek to tilt the power balance and subdue women. Moreover, if he is raised to view women in general and also certain sections of society as inferior, or amidst community hatred or a racist upbringing, or with the disapproval of liberal women, he is more likely to dispassionately engage in violence against women, including rape. Such a person would justify his act of hate, viewing the recipient of his violence as deserving of the same, much like Hitler justified the killing of Jews. When one justifies one’s act, there is obviously no fear of punishment and once again we prove that fear cannot be a deterrent.

Emotional Buffer

Just as an addict, when gratifying his urges deludes himself that ‘nothing’ will happen to him and that he will somehow ‘escape’ the consequences, so too, the rapist or murderer believes in the moment of doing the act, that he will somehow escape the law. In his world view, it is always ‘the other’ that is caught and he remains safe. This emotional buffer therefore, allows him to blatantly go on with his deeds.

According to US statistics, there are at least 50 serial killers on the loose at any given point of time, and probably hundreds of rapists and one-time murderers. Do they not know the law of the land? Why does the thought of being on death row not deter them from killing and raping?

When lawmakers and politicians, priests and god-men, teachers and doctors, and other moral keepers of society, who know the law of the land and who have made and taught the law of humanity, break the same laws, does it not prove that the fear of law is impotent, and therefore cannot really be a sustainable deterrent?

‘Silent’ Crimes

There are millions of unreported cases of rape, molestation, inappropriate touching, eve teasing and sexual harassment in the world, which will never be reported because it is either being done by a relative or known and trusted acquaintance like a neighbour, friend, teacher etc. or even one’s own parent/sibling or spouse as in the cases of incest or marital rape. The victims feel a gamut of emotions like confusion, shame and guilt, and they often blame themselves for not resisting it and so believe that they have silently participated in the act. Moreover, it may make victims feel that they are telling on a loved one and also fear getting the abuser into trouble, or damaging or severing the relationship with an abusive loved one. Therefore they remain silent. This ‘silent’ yet ongoing crime within our homes and social circle forms 80 per cent of sex crimes, which cannot and will not, be deterred by fear of the law or the death penalty, as the perpetrators are sure that the victims will remain silent.

Delusion

Many sexual offenders also truly believe, and therefore tell themselves, that ‘she wants it’ and that ‘she is asking for it’. This belief that the act is ‘consensual’ is not only seen in cases of ‘date rape’ and ‘marital rape’, but also if the girl is dressed in a way that he perceives as ‘inviting’, or if she does not take ‘visible’ offence to repeated eve-teasing or stalking, or if she is seen out on roads at night or even in secluded places. So if a sexual offender deludes himself into believing that the victim is accepting of the act, he will experience no fear of the law and will commit rape in a liberated way.

So, if the fear of capital punishment is not a guaranteed deterrent for those contemplating rape and murder, what do we do as a society to prevent such crimes?

Self-control vs. Self-motivation

When I say, ‘I have to’, it is self-control, but when I say, ‘I want to/I choose to’ it is self-motivation.

Living appropriately and sensitively because one ‘has to’ versus living appropriately and sensitively because one ‘wants/chooses to’ is qualitatively very different.

Control denotes an absence of free will and results in an equal and opposite action, much like the tension stemming from pressing a spring for too long and then releasing it. It is not sustainable. There is a tension and unease in control.

On the other hand, self-motivation denotes free will and is therefore easily sustainable as an autonomous and conscious choice of health and harmony. There is relaxation and ease in it.

So why is it that we as a society have a legalistic mindset and keep finding ways to control and instil fear as a deterrent, as opposed to finding ways to create a culture in which sensitivity becomes a conscious choice?

Fear has never resulted in sustainable change of life choices. For example, there are those who live for years in Singapore and follow the cleanliness rules for fear of a hefty fine, but once they are in India they do not think twice about littering. However, I know of a friend born, raised and living in India since birth, who carries a plastic bag with her, and not only does she not litter, but she picks up litter along the way and arranges cleanliness drives in her neighbourhood. She is self-motivated, as opposed to being fearful of the law.

Violation and Vulnerability

As a psychotherapist I have worked closely with victims of sexual offences including rape, as well as self-confessed perpetrators of sexual offences.

I have seen that even in cases where the sexual offender has been exposed and made accountable and punished in some way, the victim has not had emotional closure till she is able to heal her own wounded spirit in therapy. The feeling of violation and the fear of vulnerability does not become any less even if the perpetrator is brought to book. Helping rape victims to embrace life wholeheartedly again requires them to go through a long therapeutic journey that culminates in physical, emotional, spiritual and sociological empowerment. Legal empowerment and the knowledge that the perpetrator will be punished has not been seen to help heal a wounded body, mind and spirit. Once the crime is committed, the victim feels the need to heal herself and free herself from various thoughts and feelings related to herself and the act. Capital punishment for the perpetrator of the crime cannot facilitate this personal healing in her. This therefore once again brings us to the need for finding a more ‘holistic’ way to prevent such acts.

Transformation Testimonials

Fear of punishment has never resulted in the ‘awakening of the conscience’ or a ‘change of heart’. Evolved child psychologists are in agreement that ‘the carrot and the stick’ approach does not work in facilitating sustainable change in the child’s errant behaviour. The ‘thinking chair’ is a better way, where the child is lovingly yet firmly asked to sit alone on a special chair in isolation without any stimuli, and is asked to reflect on the error of his ways. This silent space of reflection is meant to sensitise him to the effect of his actions on others and himself, and to provoke him to make better choices going forward.

Any discipline that is enforced as an ‘external discipline’ does not last. It is only the ‘inner discipline’, emerging from your conscience, that brings about lasting behaviour change; and therefore a loving and accepting yet silent space of isolation, reflection and meditation is what is required. Is it any wonder then that so many people who come back from prayer/meditation retreats talk of a sea change in their thoughts, feelings and ways of relating with the world?

We have heard transformation stories like that of Angulimala, the serial killer who was transformed in the compassionate company of Lord Buddha, or the one of Valya Koli [later known as Valmiki Rishi, the author of the epic Ramayana] the sociopath who turned over a new leaf due to the facilitative interaction with Narada, or then we have seen movies like Dead Man Walking—the story of the transformation of a  man on death row due to the persistence of a nun from church who lovingly engaged him to pray and reflect, or then the movie Do Aankhen Baarah Haath, which is a depiction of a group of prisoners changing their ways because of an unconventional approach adopted to facilitate transformation.

Today there are prison ministries run by the Church and other spiritual programmes organised in prisons by various spiritual groups, which facilitate reflection and contemplation, and these have been a transforming force for many.

Prisoners who have transformed can become catalysts for change and role models for many. They can be asked to speak about their reflections, their transformation process, their inner and outer journey from darkness to light, and their before and after stories. These authentic testimonials and self-disclosures can be recorded and telecast on news channels, which can greatly inspire those who may be contemplating similar crimes and possibly avert and prevent some of these crimes.

Capital Investment vs. Capital Punishment

However, there is a dire need for a more systemic shift in our society towards a more balanced approach that also looks at the root cause of sexual crimes like rape.

If our focus and emphasis as a society, shifted from capital punishment to a capital investment, we might reap rich dividends in the form of creating a generation of young adults who have a healthy attitude towards sexuality, who display high standards of conduct, who are sensitive and respectful to both genders, and who are socially responsible citizens of society.

The appropriate way forward is to introduce value-based sexuality and gender sensitisation programmes for adolescents. These programmes would focus on fostering a respectful and healthy relationship between the genders, and help them develop sensitive and wholesome personalities. Informal education and discussions at home and formal sessions in school and colleges that pursue these goals is the ‘holistic’ approach we must adopt urgently.

The ‘holistic’ upbringing and education of our present and future generations must include certain key human values and concepts that will translate into healthy man-woman relationships.

‘Complementary’ and not ‘Opposite’ sexes —This change of terminology could eliminate hostile, oppositional and hierarchical tendencies, which translates into the need to attack, oppose and subdue the other. Sensitivity between genders and mutual respect and regard will also be fostered if both genders are seen as equally valuable and imperative for the continuity of life. This in turn will ensure that sexual relationships are mutually sensitive and do not lead to physical or psychological harm.

‘Accepting’ and not ‘Prohibitive’—This change in approach towards sex could reverse the sexual repression, which results in distorted and warped personalities obsessed with sex and engaging in reactionary and perverse behaviours. De-stigmatising sex will also allow curious children to freely seek information from reliable sources instead of sneakily accessing incorrect information from irresponsible sources such as ill-informed and exploitative peers and pornography.

‘Parental Modelling’ and not ‘Parental Preaching’—This observational learning of a man-woman relationship begins at home with the child observing how his parents relate with each other. When the male child observes the father verbally and non-verbally communicating disrespect towards the mother, using sexually explicit language while referring to a woman, vulgarity in humour and while describing the female anatomy, proud descriptions of personal sexual exploits, such a child learns to view women as objects of sexual gratification, exploitation and subservience. Just as witnessing such inappropriate adult conduct can adversely impact their sexual attitudes and behaviours, so too, if a child observes his parents expressing warm and caring feelings, with mutual respect, love and humility in both, he learns to emulate emotional intimacy between the genders.

‘Intimacy’ and not ‘Intercourse’—This change in terminology could facilitate sensitive, non-coercive, non-exploitative relating, which ensures mutual and equal pleasure [Sambhog in Sanskrit stands for Sama=equal and Bhog=pleasure] in a consensual sharing of intimacy in a significant relationship with the other. The concept of loving intimacy, instead of lustful intercourse, could also help in understanding the need to delay gratification at times to ensure that both are truly ready to engage in a consensual act.

‘Talking today’ and not ‘Repenting tomorrow’—This entails talking to children very early on about protecting themselves from child sexual abuse. Sexual exploitation of children is a ‘social time bomb’ with the potential for destroying many futures. It is statistically proven that most sexual offenders are victims of sexual abuse themselves. It is not only power that corrupts, but ‘powerlessness also corrupts’. When children are repeatedly sexually exploited and they feel helpless and powerless, it can result in warped personalities with severe psychopathologies and they may grow into morally challenged adults. Victims create more victims and the victim chain continues till it is broken through educating children to protect themselves from sexual exploitation. Therefore, it is imperative to give age-appropriate information to ensure the child’s safety and wellbeing.

‘Assertiveness’ and not ‘Peer Pressure’—This training in assertiveness helps the young adult not get taken in by the age-old peer pressure tactic that ‘Everybody is doing it’ when it comes to experimenting with alcohol, drugs and sex. Assertiveness training will prevent the young adult from getting carried away with group dynamics that provoke criminal acts without consequential thinking. Teaching them that freedom and responsibility go hand in hand is the key. Explain that peer pressure provokes freedom while the same peers are nowhere around to assume responsibility of the consequences of the actions they have provoked, which only you are wholly and solely responsible for.

‘Loving Humaneness’ and not ‘Hateful Violence’—This involves raising children in a way that human kindness is fostered. Rape is not only a sexual crime but is often an act of hate, vengeance and violence. Women from certain disempowered sections of society are often targeted much like Hitler targeting Jews. When children are raised to  respect all communities, races, religions, caste and creed, and every section of society, viewing everyone as having equal worth and dignity, they grow up to be non-violent adults. But above all, when children grow up in a loving, nurturing and respectful environment, where stretching for fellow humans through acts of human kindness is the norm, they learn to value humanity and human dignity. Such individuals do not need the fear of capital punishment to be humane, as the capital investment into their holistic upbringing naturally yields rich dividends in the form of sensitive and socially responsible citizens of society.

This was first published in the November 2013 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

The post Death penalty: Does it serve the purpose? appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

There are couples who may have met at work as employees of the same organisation, tied the knot and chosen to continue to work there in their respective positions. Then there are those who decide to do business together, or share the same professional space like doctors  or creative writers/designers. There are others who may just assist the spouse for a particular project in a limited capacity as an assistant.

Whatever is the case, sharing a work space with your spouse comes with its own challenges and rewards.

Challenges

Graphic designers Mira and Shyam started an animation studio together. He would negotiate deals with the clients and she would do the creative work in the studio. He would often ask her to redo the work saying that the clients’ brief was different and also pressure her to meet deadlines. She felt he was insensitive to her time and energy constraints, unappreciative of her creativity, and that he was having a ball at her cost, travelling alone to strike deals abroad and enjoying 5-star luxuries at the clients’ cost while she was at the studio doing all the hard work. Once when their studio received an international award, he went on stage alone to receive it and that’s when she decided to stop working with him, and do freelance work for other studios. She felt used and he felt abandoned.

Surita who joined her husband’s business to assist in administration and accounting while he focussed on expanding the business, took grave offence when he decided to renovate the office and allot her a cubicle at the back while he made his cabin at the front. She was offended that he did not give her the status of an equal and relegated her to staff and she stopped going to office. This took a huge toll on their relationship and their intimacy, and she moved out to another room.

John and Melissa got along very well as colleagues in the same organisation. They got married and continued their work in the same way. The arguments began when he registered himself for an off-site training at a beach resort but didn’t do the same for her, as he expected her to do her own registrations like she had done in the past. She took offence and assumed that he wanted to go alone and not as a couple. She viewed it as an opportunity to combine work and relaxing togetherness, but thought he wanted to maintain his single status amongst colleagues. She was also upset when he got a chance to work in the London office of the company for six months followed by a promotion, while she continued in the same position at Mumbai. This eroded their relationship, not only as a couple but also as colleagues. Their personal issues percolated into their work and both of them were pulled up by their superiors. They were told that one of them would have to quit the company, and that they preferred that Melissa be the one as her work had not been upto mark. Their relationship ended the day she quit the job.

Nina and Robert were both in stock broking and started their own firm with great enthusiasm. However, there was no agreement on administrative styles, staff matters, how to handle the client interface, the timings of work, and practically every area of the business. There were open and loud arguments at work and at home, without any resolution. Staff would receive conflicting orders from both and clients started getting agitated because they would have to repeat their instructions as they stopped conveying messages to each other. The business suffered, the relationship suffered and above all their children suffered.

David, an ad film director and the joint owner of a production house with his wife, unilaterally decided to invest in very expensive equipment instead of hiring it, as was previously agreed by them. This wiped out most of their savings. Subsequently, the equipment started requiring expensive maintenance contracts, while work was not coming their way, and the company was saddled with this ‘white elephant’ which was depleting their finances. This became a huge contaminant in the relationship. They dissolved their partnership and divided the assets, leaving him with the equipment and her with the office property. They were both bitter, with him seeing her as a fair weather friend, and she seeing him as a betrayer of trust in the relationship.

From the above cases you can see how challenging it can be for a relationship when the couple works together. The work-home interface can get extremely stressful if not maturely and sensitively handled.

The Downside

Let’s enumerate the downside of spouses working together:

1. Work issues are carried back home affecting emotional/physical intimacy as well as personal issues affecting work efficiency. Inability to get out of ‘shop talk’ even at home
2. Claustrophobia and no personal space away from each other [me time] especially if there are arguments, therefore no time to calmly process issues alone
3. Ego hassles on who has the final authority in crucial decision making at work.
4. Competitiveness and score keeping about who works more and contributes more to the profits.
5. Conflicting messages to staff, leading to confused and disgruntled workers.

Rewards

However, there is also a great upside to working with your spouse.

Gretta would crib about the limited time she had with her husband who was a television journalist—till she decided to intern in his research team. Once she saw the dynamism at the news channel office with crazy timelines, she was able to understand and empathise with him about his time constraints. She started snatching whatever time they could have at coffee breaks or accompanying him at important events as his assistant. It made them bond more and a mutual respect was established. They valued every moment they spent together, and the quality of their relationship improved.

Ashok was a surgeon and Komal was a gynaecologist. They had their own nursing home. They often assisted each other in complicated surgeries, and checked into each other’s patients during the post-operative period. They held the fort for each other if the other was unwell or busy elsewhere. So, when she was home with the kids, he would manage all her patients. This doubled their efficiency.

The Upside

The upside of working together therefore can be enumerated as:

1. Efficiency doubles as you can stand in for each other when you are from the same profession or when you know all the aspects of the business. It also increases financial security in the business.
2. No financial irregularities with your spouse, as s/he is equally invested in it as ‘our’ business and not there for personal gains.
3. Both being equally interested in the success of the business, both would willingly work hard and also understand the work demands, time constraints etc. and therefore empathise with the other.
4. Work and pleasure can often be combined while travelling for meetings, conferences etc.
5. New skills acquired by one can be taught to the other if from the same profession.
6. Logistical comforts like commuting to and from work together, having coffee breaks and lunch together at work, thus having more time to catch up and connect compared to other couples.

A Project for ‘the Project’

No significant relationship can survive healthily unless it is given a ‘project status’, and unless it is worked on consistently and maturely by both. Therefore, the work doubles for a couple [the project] who now works together professionally or in a business [a project].

Some ground rules for couples working together are:

1. Separate identities with clear role demarcations based on skill-sets of both, with independent decision-making within those roles and no interference from the other. Suggestions can be asked from and made by the other, but the final authority would lie with the one whose role it is.
2. Major financial decisions and any other big decisions in the running of the business to be made through a mutually respectful consultative process.
3. Separate and equal geographical space for both within the office, which gives a sense of personal identity and aids functionality.
4. De-clutter the work-home interface and actively de-link one from the other to give your best at both places. E.g. To and from work, hear some music in the car, plan a weekend break/holiday, discuss children etc. and actively avoid [or if extremely necessary then ‘timetable’] ‘shop talk’ at home, while also actively avoiding discussing home issues at work.
5. See your work as a manifestation of the team spirit of both, and an example of how well both can work together. Make it a collaboration and not a competition.
6. If there are intricate personal issues that require resolution, keep them ‘on hold’  while at work, and schedule them to be discussed only once you are home. Maintain the sanctity of both spaces.
7. While making work decisions, always ask yourself what’s best for ‘our work’ and what’s best for ‘us’.

This was first published in the May 2013 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

The post A spouse who is also a work colleague appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

The causes

In working with hundreds of couples, with many of them having approached me because of infidelity on the part of one of them, I have identified the various reasons and forms in which it occurs, and the mindset of the one who strays.

Self-disclosure on their part has revealed the following causes:

Boredom, where they believe they ‘must have’ excitement, variety and stimulation at all times.

• Sunil was a porn addict since his teenage years. His ‘real’ relationship never matched up to the stimulus that porn created in him, and he preferred porn sites and sex chat rooms to his wife.

Entitlement, where they believe they ‘must have’ the right to choose their life partner, and not be forced into a relationship by parents/circumstances against
their will.

• Mahesh, who briefly dated his wife, was forced to marry her at a very young age by their conservative parents before he could get to know her well; Ketan was guilt-tripped into an arranged match decided by his grandmother when she was terminally ill. Both these men resented their present relationship as it reminded them of being deprived of ‘free will’, and engaged in intimacy outside the marriage as an assertion of their ‘choice’.

Discontment, where they believe they ‘must have’ marital happiness free from emotional/verbal/physical abuse.

• Jia’s husband was an alcoholic and a wife-beater; Kamya’s husband was controlling and verbally abusive; Rohan’s wife would threaten and attempt suicide whenever she would not get her way and was on anti-depressants under psychiatric care. All these spouses felt deprived of fulfilling companionship and sought it outside the marriage.

Reassurance, where they believe they ‘must have’ the magnetic charm and the ability to forever impress and attract the opposite sex, in order to feel ‘good enough’.

• Jatin, a successful businessman, had multiple affairs with his numerous secretaries, his clients, his friends’ wives and others, to reassure himself of his charm and attractiveness.

Old Flame, where they believe they ‘must have’ the hormone-driven rush of a teenage romance forever, with secret rendezvous.

• Tasneem, who escaped into romantic novels from her ‘regular’ world as a stay-at-home mom, traced her ex-boyfriend through Facebook and had a torrid affair with him, which wreaked havoc in both their homes and families.

Online flirtations, where they believe they ‘must have’ the right to have a private fantasy life without any outside interference.

• Karan, as a shy child, was used to escaping into his fantasy world, when academic stress or pressure of being the ‘good son’ got the better of him. When he logged on to the online world as a teenager, he found an easy stress-buster in virtual affairs with multiple women. This, of course, was at the cost of intimacy with his wife. When she protested, he saw her as an ‘outsider’ in his life and an intrusion on his ‘insider’ relationships online.

Mood disorders, where they believe they ‘must have’ instant gratification of their emotional [romantic] and physical [sexual] needs and see such gratification as normal, natural and necessary.

• Sohan was diagnosed with a bi-polar mood disorder but refused medication in the form of mood-stabilisers. He would get in and out of sexual relationships and view any reasoning on the part of his spouse as an impediment in his natural living.

A common mindset in all the above is a ‘demandingness’/’must have’ and a belief that they ‘deserve’ what they demand, and that there is ‘nothing wrong’ in pursuing a relationship outside marriage, except that it is not in keeping with social ethics and the law of the land.

The post To deal with infidelity, first understand its causes appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Search for unconditional love and acceptance

I sense so much angst in my counselling cabin in women who carry deep seated feelings of inadequacy; and when these feelings are explored they almost always find their origin in a wounded relationship they have shared with their own mother.

These feelings of inadequacy stem from feeling unloved and unaccepted by their primary source of love and acceptance – their mother; and these get played out throughout their lives in all their significant relationships where they seek to fill this void in the shape of their mother. They constantly and obsessively seek external validation. Though they might become overachievers and perfectionists, they are prone to get hurt, anxious, depressed, angry and even feel guilty if they suspect they are being disapproved of, and therefore find themselves in mediocre and even abusive relationships. Because of this dire need of acceptance, as they are unable to unconditionally love and accept themselves.

The script of their lives is therefore set by this wounded relationship and their lives are pulled by the strings of the mother-child relationship till they consciously cut the umbilical chord symbolically and strike a new equation in their minds where they view their mother as just another ‘person’ who is a fallible human being with strengths and limitations; a person who did what she did based on her inner and outer resources, her culture, background, upbringing, experiences and circumstances; that she could not have done any differently without a higher source of wisdom; but most importantly the daughter has to learn that her worthiness or adequacy is not defined by her mother’s view of her, attitude towards and behaviour with her, and therefore she needs to unconditionally love and accept herself. This process of moving from seeking external love to self-love is done in specialised therapy designed to help clients experience self-acceptance. Here’s how to recognise the primary source of this debacle and curtail conflicts:

[contd.]

The post Mother daughter relationship appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.