In some cases, anxiety, low libido, body image issues, or relationship pressure can also affect desire and comfort with physical closeness. However, intimacy can often be rebuilt with patience, honest communication, emotional safety, and small acts of affection.

This article explains why couples lose physical connection and how to rebuild physical intimacy.

Why Couples Lose Physical Connection

Couples can lose physical connection when daily stress, emotional distance, and unresolved tension slowly reduce comfort with closeness. It also gradually decreases because the relationship starts functioning more around responsibilities than emotional connection.

Some common reasons that affect a couple’s physical connection are:

• Stress and burnout: Work pressure, financial worries, parenting, caregiving, and daily responsibilities can leave both partners physically tired and mentally drained. When energy is low, affection and intimacy often become less frequent.
• The roommate pattern: Over time, conversations can become limited to chores, bills, schedules, children, or household tasks. When emotional check-ins disappear, partners may start feeling more like co-managers than romantic partners.
• Conditional touch: Physical affection can feel uncomfortable when it only happens before sex. If one partner feels that every hug, kiss, or touch is expected to lead to intimacy, they may begin avoiding touch altogether.
• Unresolved conflict: Unspoken resentment, repeated arguments, or emotional hurt can make physical closeness feel unsafe. When trust and emotional comfort are affected, it becomes harder to be physically vulnerable with each other.

How to Rebuild Physical Intimacy Among Couples

Rebuilding physical intimacy takes patience, trust, and emotional safety. The goal is not to rush back into sex, but to make touch feel comfortable, wanted, and pressure-free again. Here are some tips that you should incorporate to restore physical connection with your partner.

Incorporate non-sexual touch

You can start by bringing back simple forms of affection that do not automatically lead to sex. Gentle bonding exercises, such as a longer kiss while saying hello or goodbye, holding hands, cuddling, lying close, or offering a shoulder or foot rub, can help you and your partner feel physically comfortable again. This rebuilds closeness without making touch feel like a demand or expectation.

Communicate with empathy

You should talk about physical intimacy outside the bedroom when both of you feel calm. Share what kind of touch feels comforting, what creates pressure, and what boundaries need to be respected. Listen without blaming, interrupting, or turning the conversation into an argument. When both partners feel heard, it becomes easier to rebuild emotional safety and reconnect physically.

Remove distractions

Intimacy needs time and attention without any distractions. Constant use of the phone, TV, work stress, and rushed routines can make partners feel disconnected. You can create device-free time, planning simple date nights, or having quiet moments together to help refocus the relationship. Even small moments, such as a walk after dinner or a relaxed conversation before bed, can make closeness feel more natural.

Rebuild trust slowly

Emotional trust is essential for physical intimacy to feel comfortable again. If past conflict, rejection, pressure, or hurt has created distance, small trust-building exercises can help restore a sense of safety. This can include keeping promises, respecting boundaries, checking in without blame, apologizing when needed, and responding calmly when your partner shares discomfort. As trust improves, touch feels less pressured and more connected.

Go at your own pace

Rebuilding physical intimacy takes time, so it should not feel rushed or forced. You and your partner can move forward slowly, starting with small moments of affection and increasing closeness only when both of you feel ready. Some days may feel easier than others, and that is normal. What matters is creating a pace that feels safe, respectful, and mutual for both partners.

Related » What is Sexual Electricity and How is it Generated

Conclusion

Couples can lose physical connection when stress, routine, unresolved conflict, or emotional distance makes touch feel less natural. However, you can rebuild physical intimacy with patience, communication, and small steps that restore comfort. It starts with creating emotional safety first.

When you bring back non-sexual touch, communicate needs clearly, respect boundaries, and rebuild trust through small, consistent actions, affection can begin to feel comfortable again. Bonding and trust-building exercises can help couples reconnect without pressure or unrealistic expectations.

The purpose is to make physical closeness feel safe, mutual, and wanted. With patience and steady effort from both partners, intimacy can return in a healthier and more connected way.

The post Why Couples Lose Physical Intimacy and How to Rebuild It appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

This was such a blatant use of fear and greed that it filled me with disgust. But the advertisement also set me thinking. It became clear that the survival of the relationship between a man and a woman was dangerously resting on the delicate rope of self-esteem. The rope breaks too easily – either by the partners themselves, or by such crass advertisements that reinforce insecurities.

Understanding Self-Esteem in Relationships

Self-esteem is feeling worthy and being able to meet life’s challenges. It is as essential as the air we breathe, and just as intangible. It comes from the depths of our core, yet it is reflected in our every single outward action, big or small. It is the essence from which we measure our worth and the most important building block in the foundation of our psyches.

Throughout our life, we will be tested again and again, until we feel confident about ourselves and believe in our intrinsic value. We will be tested on our willingness to view ourselves as worthy, regardless of what we look like and how our body performs.

The Body Image Crisis in Modern Relationships

We know of so many people who have suffered irreparable damage — emotional and physical — in their intimate relationships because of low self-esteem. Some relationships ended in actual physical separation. Some continued living together but had no sexual relationship. Out of these, a few had extramarital affairs. Some couples went in for therapy and counseling, with varying degrees of success.

Real Stories of Body Image Impact

Newly-married Aishwarya was told by her husband that she has “thunder thighs”. She cringed at the remark, refused to undress in front of him and was stiff and awkward whenever they were intimate. She subsequently became a victim of Anorexia Nervosa, lost a lot of weight, and became obsessed with the weighing scale and the measuring tape. They separated. She enrolled in therapy and is now on the road to recovery. She now says that she hopes to find someone, someday, who values her more than just certain parts of her body and loves her as a complete being.

Aishwarya is not the only victim. There are many more. Rita’s husband keeps insisting that she get cosmetic surgery done on her slightly long nose. He says that he gets put off with her long nose as it comes in the way while kissing. Due to this, their love-making left both of them dissatisfied.

Then there is Aparna who, after childbirth, was told by her husband that her breasts were drooping and no longer attractive. She turned frigid forever.

In yet another case, young Dhara was aware of her husband’s obsession with big breasts. She was not so generously endowed. So she went in for an expensive and painful silicon breast implant. But as fate would have it, she developed breast cancer. She needed to have the implants, and even one of the breasts, surgically removed. She underwent chemotherapy and lost all her hair. Not to mention she also lost her husband, probably to a woman with bigger breasts.

How Body Image Affects Men

Men too go through similar situations. A married man was once told by his wife that he wasn’t man enough because of his slender body frame. His manhood was so deeply hurt that he could not get intimate with his nagging wife. He would have a normal erection at other times but when it came to his wife, he just fell impotent. The wife, through counseling, saw the root cause. Just by acknowledging his endeavors in other spheres, she struck some connection with him again. She was guided to appreciate him. Their sex life resumed normalcy.

Social Media and the Modern Body Image Epidemic

The media has a large role to play in reinforcing the body image to be followed by both man and woman to be sexually attractive to the opposite sex. It seems as if that is – and should be – the only criterion in their relationship, if we go by the media.

Today, with the rise of Instagram, TikTok, and filtered selfies, the pressure has intensified. The images we see online are often digitally altered, creating unrealistic standards that no human can naturally achieve. Dating apps prioritize physical appearance. Social media influencers promote cosmetic procedures as casual lifestyle choices. The cycle feeds itself.

Cosmetic surgeons, beauty parlors, fitness centers and health clubs flourish due to the same reason. There is an increasing focus on outer beauty – standards which are forced down our throats by the media and our obsessed partners – to be attractive to our mates and in order to experience marital bliss. Moreover, this has even often been told to us by none other than our parents.

Self-Esteem vs. Ego: A Critical Distinction

The difference between self-esteem and ego needs to be understood here. Many couples admire each other superficially just to keep the harmony and outer peace in the relationship, or as a strategy to manipulate things for a selfish gain. To be genuine and empathetic in one’s expression is important, particularly when one praises the other or shows flaws in the other.

It is said that sex happens between the two ears and not between the two legs. Whoever said this must be aware of the relationship between self-esteem and sexual relations. So we see that frigidity in women and impotence in men – whether temporary or permanent, with mild to severe consequences – is often related to their lowered self-esteem. Their marital life can face major upheavals because of this.

Building Authentic Self-Worth

Only a person who is in true acceptance of himself can accept and respect the other. Unless we learn to love and respect ourself, it is difficult for us to love and respect the other.

We need to realize that our true inner self will be with us for our entire life, while looks will change and fade – being an unreliable source of self-esteem.

Let us search to discover the pathway to that source, for it is the core of our essential value.

Frequently Asked Questions About Body Image and Self-Esteem

How does poor body image affect intimate relationships?

Poor body image creates a barrier to intimacy. When someone feels uncomfortable in their own skin, they become self-conscious during intimate moments. This can lead to avoidance of physical contact, difficulty achieving arousal, and strained emotional connection. Partners may withdraw or become defensive, creating a cycle of dissatisfaction.

Can negative comments from a partner cause long-term psychological damage?

Yes. Critical comments about physical appearance from a partner can trigger eating disorders, depression, anxiety, and sexual dysfunction. The damage often extends beyond the relationship itself. People may carry these wounds into future relationships or develop chronic issues with self-worth that require professional intervention.

What is the connection between self-esteem and sexual satisfaction?

Sexual satisfaction depends heavily on psychological comfort. People with healthy self-esteem feel more present during intimacy, communicate their needs better, and experience less performance anxiety. Low self-esteem, on the other hand, creates mental barriers that interfere with physical response and emotional connection.

How can couples protect their relationship from unrealistic beauty standards?

Couples need to have honest conversations about the impact of media and social comparison. They should consciously appreciate each other for non-physical qualities. Limiting exposure to heavily filtered content helps. Most importantly, partners must commit to never using appearance-based criticism as a weapon during conflicts.

When should someone seek professional help for body image issues?

Seek help when body image concerns interfere with daily functioning, relationships, or physical health. Warning signs include avoiding social situations, obsessive thoughts about appearance, disordered eating patterns, or inability to be intimate with a partner. Therapy can address the root causes and rebuild self-worth.

How do I rebuild self-esteem after years of criticism?

Rebuilding takes time and often requires professional support. Start by identifying your intrinsic values beyond appearance. Practice self-compassion. Surround yourself with people who appreciate you as a whole person. Challenge negative self-talk. Consider therapy to process past hurt and develop healthier thought patterns.

Are cosmetic procedures the solution to low self-esteem?

No. Cosmetic procedures address external features but do not fix internal self-worth. Many people who undergo procedures find their dissatisfaction shifts to other body parts. True self-esteem comes from accepting yourself as you are. If you choose a procedure, it should be for yourself, not to please others or fix relationship problems.

This updated version expands on concepts from an article originally published in Complete Wellbeing magazine, issue dated August 2008.

The post Body Image and Self-Esteem: The Foundation of Healthy Relationships appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Also, people are drawn to others with like attitudes and values. These characteristics are quite visible and they play a major role in initial attraction. It is, however, physical attributes that represent the first glance and also facilitate you to decide whether you want to initiate interaction. Let’s go deeper and find out the specifics of physical attractiveness

“So be wise and keep on
Reading the signs of my body.”
— Shakira, Hips Don’t Lie

Dynamics of Attraction: What Makes Us Attractive to Others

Eyes

You may notice a person’s eyes before anything else and get mesmerized. Not for nothing are eyes called the windows of the soul. They can be bright like a thousand light bulbs, sparkling like champagne, mysterious like the night, or sad like a beloved’s “parting” song. They can draw you into their depths, or wish you away.

The universal preference is for eyes that are large, not bulbous. The color depends on individual preference — icy blue eyes may be a turn-on for women, while dark, smouldering eyes may work likewise for men. The longer the eyelashes, the better it is for women who have them. However, women too are known to swoon over men with long eyelashes.

When a person is attracted to you, the pupils dilate, the eyes become watery. This is a sure sign of interest in you, and you know you can go ahead and approach her/him.

Lips

The shape of a woman’s pout can indicate that she is ready for some good sexual experience, a study has found. Science suggests that the size and shape of one’s lips plays a key role in determining whether they are sexually attractive. Generally, the fuller the lips, the better it is. Lips that are too thin are considered unattractive, but lips that are too full are also unappealing. Men look for a combination of fullness, redness, softness, and warmth.

While the sexy pout is definitely inviting, pursed lips are a big turn-off. They indicate that the woman is not interested. The kinds of lips that women look for in men are those that suggest virility, with a hint of generosity, warmth, and ruggedness. Medium-sized lips are also preferred with sensuality written over them.

Attractive lips alone do not an attractive face make; what is important is the totality of appearance as far as attraction is concerned.

Lips become fleshier and darker at the sight of someone attractive. There are touch and pressure receptors in the lips which fire messages to the brain, and so you know whether the kiss is the kiss you are looking for. A woman may unconsciously lick her lips to attract attention. A man may softly place a finger on his lips for the same reason.

If a man shifts his focus from your eyes to your lips and mouth, and looks at them long enough before returning to your eyes, once again, you can be assured that he is interested in you and, in all probability, wants to kiss you.

Nose

Generally, a short nose, in proportion to the rest of the face, is considered a good feature. It has, of course, a major role to play than mere appearance.

Eskimos, to cull one cultural example, rub their noses in greeting each other. It’s actually a form of “sniffing” — to get a sense of the other person’s smell! Result: your olfactory senses are aroused, or repelled by the smell of the other person. In other words, your nose plays a great part in telling you who smells good to you.

It is a known fact that the heady smell of someone can kindle swift passion. Conversely, if a person you find attractive does not smell good, you may find his/her attractiveness diminishing in your eyes and interest extinguished. It is essential that you like the smell of the person you are attracted to, otherwise your desire may be short-lived. Remember, the raw sex appeal of natural smell only lasts as long as it is fresh; beyond that it loses its charm. Perfumes and oils have, therefore, been used since ancient times to create “the smell divine.”

Hair and skin

Shining, thick hair that is soft to touch is a sign of attractive hair. This is universal, although colour, length, style and other preferences may vary from one culture to another, or individual preferences, or in tune with the times. In addition, a smooth skin that gives appearance of youth and vitality is also preferred.

If you find someone attractive, you may unconsciously flick your hair off your face, or twist a strand of hair. These are nervous gestures to displace your interest. You may also, of course, perform these gestures to attract attention.

Neck and chest

If, as a woman, you are attracted to someone, you will find yourself touching parts of your neck. If you are openly flirting, say at a party, you will arch your neck more. This is similar to the way a man trying to appear attractive will stand straight and thrust his chest. This behavior is part of a primitive urge and our inherent sexuality.

Body language

When someone is attracted to you, his/her complete body will speak. S/he will lean forward in your direction, tilt his/her head, sit on the edge of the chair, point his/her toes towards you, groom, touch his/her face and be aware of himself/herself, and of you.

The takeaway

The language of attraction is not complicated. In fact, it is one of the most natural things in the world.

In general, a small nose, big eyes and voluptuous lips are sexually attractive for men and women. And, after this, there are combinations and permutations to suit a whole gamut of individual preferences.

This is an updated version of the article that was originally published in the July 2007 issue of Complete Wellbeing magazine.

The post Dynamics of Attraction: What Makes Us Attractive to Others appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

How is Sexual Electricity Created

“Man represents positive and woman the negative, counterparts of a single phenomenon. Masculine and feminine energies are equal and opposite forces,” says Diana Richardson in her book, The Love Keys. And what happens when a positive node meets the negative? Electricity happens. Current flows.

So when we move with each other, touch each other, we exchange current — or sexual electricity.

“The thrills and pleasures of sex and love were caused by the transmission and reception of currents of “animal magnetism,” or “vital electricity,” which could be conveyed by contact or passes from one human body to another,” says American individualist anarchist J William Lloyd in his book, The Karezza Method.

Sexual Electricity is Experienced as High-voltage Jolt

The concept of sex as energy is not new. Eastern traditions of Taoism and Tantra that date back several thousand years are based on it. They prescribe sexual techniques for harnessing sexual energy for intimacy, health and longevity. In fact, Tantra means ‘transformation of energy’. The tantric teachings are based on the circulation and merging of vital energy [chi or prana] between two people. “In the grand scheme of our energetic anatomy, our electromagnetic energy plays a role as well. During intimate contact, the two are transferred and circulated simultaneously,” writes Dr William Collinge in Subtle Energy: Awakening to the Unseen Forces in Our Lives. “Both kissing and sexual intercourse involve contact of moist mucous membranes, and moisture facilitates particularly strong and efficient electrical conductivity,” he says.

We have all experienced it. We remember our first kiss. Don’t we? That is because when we kiss a person we are attracted to for the first time, we feel a high-voltage jolt. A jolt that passes through our entire body, nerve endings included.

How Do You Build the Charge for Sex to Be Electric

So for sex to be electric, we need to slowly build the current. And love, not lust, is the ingredient that does it. When we touch each other with love, the current resonates not just in the skin, but deep inside the heart.

Experiments conducted by American psychiatrist and psychologist, Rudolf von Urban revealed that there is a bio-energetic potential difference between sexually charged males and females which requires about half an hour to be exchanged and reach an equilibrium.

In one of Urban’s experiment, a medical doctor and his young Arabian bride caressed each other naked for about an hour without sexual contact in a dark room. The doctor later reported that he saw the body of his wife surrounded by a greenish-blue hazy light. Moving his palm close to her breast a visible and audible electric spark jumped from the breast to the palm. Scientist Baron Karl von Reichenbach too had previously described a similar phenomenon. Sadly, scientists didn’t take him seriously.

Igniting Sexual Electricity Between You and Your Partner

Science defines magnet as an object that is surrounded by a magnetic field and has the property, either natural or induced to attract.

We have a magnetic field around us, and the ability to attract. That means we are magnets. And like magnets, we too we have both negative and positive nodes within us.

There is a man in every woman and a woman in every man. Tantra encourages accepting that, for a truly wholesome sexual experience. “You are half your mother and half your father and they both co-exist within you. When they meet within, ecstasy happens,” says Osho.

When you feel sexual electricity with someone, their individual bio-energies create an ecstatic sexual experience through the interplay of opposite polarities. In The Karezza Method, a book about harnessing our sexual energy for health and prolonged pleasure, J William Lloyd, gives interesting pointers. “Cultivate the art of magnetic touch,” he says.

Think of yourself as an electric battery capable of transmitting an electric current. Touch each other in a way that transmits a vivid electric current and thrills the partner.

In Lovemaking, Slow Is Magic

The key is to focus on the way we touch—with love. If we learn to focus our sexual energies on touching, there can be sparks flying out when we make love, literally. It has happened. You can also take it to the next level by finding out what a dildo is? This can help you magnify the collided energy as one being.

In another of Von Urban’s experiment, a couple caressed for an hour and then had orgasmic intercourse for less than 27 minutes, sparks started and still moved between them till the end. For sparks to happen the pair caressed for a full 60 minutes. Remember what Von Urban had said? — “The bio-energetic potential difference requires about half an hour to be exchanged and reach equilibrium”.

The lesson: If you want to generate sexual electricity, touch with love, don’t rush.

Electric Intercourse

Logic dictates that when two fully charged bars collide, they will blast. But we don’t want our circuits to short. We want the current to flow and light us up. So, for the glow, go slow. Besides we are actually harming ourselves when we rush through intercourse.

According to Urban, a short intercourse eliminated the tension in the sexual organs but increased tension in the rest of their bodies.

Also, the electric charge is distributed across the body, not just the genitals, which is good. Because that means we can experience pleasure all over.

We must open our minds to that thought. For instance, our eyes can play a very big role in our energy exchange. “A gaze that stays overtime awakens primal, slightly disturbing feelings. It induces the same ‘fight or flight’ chemicals that race through our veins when we feel infatuation— a tingling sensation,” writes Leil Lowndes, internationally recognized communications expert and in her book, How to make anyone fall in love with you.

Also, use the feet. They are the most erogenous part of the body. Through the feet we can indirectly stimulate: nipples, breasts, ovaries, penis, and vagina. Our whole body is a magnet. Use it.

Ecstasy Through Control

For most of us, electric sex means making love like animals and then collapsing exhausted. That’s not what Eastern traditions believe.

Both Tantra and Taoism believe that sex relates to our vital energy. When we make love, not only are our bio-magnetic energies at play, but also our vital energies—the energy that runs through our entire being. Tantra believes that ejaculation wastes energy and robs the woman of her potential multiple orgasms.

Toaism believes that when a man ejaculates, he depletes his vital energy because his sperms carry jing or the sexual essence and life force. Now you know why men fall asleep afterwards? In fact, some immediately drop and start to snore.

The aim of Tantric and Toaist sexual practices is to energize us and not exhaust us. Sex should bring us alive, charge us in ways where we can enjoy not just the experience, but life as well.

In the modern world, Wilhelm Reich was the first scientist to describe the nature and purpose of orgasm as a discharge of excess bio-energy with the additional liberation of feeling energy [in the mid-1930s]. He also recognized the negative consequences of blocked sexual energies.

The Karezza Method too advocates non-seminal intercourse in which men have to hold back just before ejaculation. It increases pleasure, stamina, vitality and longevity.

It is not surprising for practitioners of Tao, Tantra or Karezza to have intercourse sometimes lasting an hour. Not foreplay, but intercourse. Because they take it slow. Men are encouraged to hold back, women to let go. It’s done with love. Lovemaking is a joint effort, a merging of two energies. When we make love this way, all chakras open up and all barriers break. The result: an energetic union of bodies and inseparable fusion of minds.

Bonus Section: Quick Tips for Electric Sex

Sex is not instant noodles. For sex to be really electric and energizing, it needs to be approached as an art. Such sex will help you feel complete together. Here are some Tantric techniques for electric sex…

Don’t rush

Spend at least half an hour in foreplay, touching each other, enjoying the sensations.

Hold back [This one is especially for men]

Try not to ejaculate every time. It results in a tremendous turn-around in the vital energy.

Make lovemaking an experience, not a chore

Stop focusing on pleasing each other or your performance. Focus on how it feels.

Breathe together

Take longer filling breaths. Try and circulate your energy together, as one energetic whole.

Try kissing the back of the knee

Gently massage or kiss the acupressure point at the back of the knee, just between the ligaments for stimulation when you are making love.

Give your partner a big O

Give your love a big O by placing pressure along the tendons of the shoulder, just beside the neck. As your partner reaches climax, gently massage the shoulders to stimulate a longer and more satisfying orgasm.

An older version of this article appeared in the February 2009 issue of Complete Wellbeing magazine (print edition).

The post What is Sexual Electricity and How is it Generated appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

The study, published in Frontiers in Psychology, is the only one ever to examine what predicts commitment and longevity in their relationships.

“Although asexuals don’t have the desire for sexual relationships, they nevertheless form romantic relationships and those connections look at least somewhat similar to non-asexuals’ romantic relationships,” said William Chopik, associate professor in MSU’s psychology department and coauthor of the study.

Even asexual individuals can forge successful romantic relationships

The study looked at a sample of 485 people who self-identified as on the asexual spectrum and are currently in a romantic relationship. This is one of the only published studies that allowed people to self-identify with any asexual spectrum label, in addition to allowing them to use any other sexual or romantic labels that fit.

“I sincerely hope that this study will more widely show the diversity of the asexual community, shed light on their experiences and show that being on the asexual spectrum does not preclude one from successful romantic relationships or love,” said coauthor and research associate Alexandra Brozowski.

What works in asexual relationships

The long-standing theory about what predicts who breaks up and who stays in relationships, called the Investment Model, says that people stay in relationships if they are happy and satisfied, if they have invested time and energy into the relationship and if they don’t have any other options. Many theories say that sex is a central part of romantic relationships, which doesn’t leave room for asexual relationships.

“We found that the same ingredients predict success in these relationships, so they’re not weird, bizarre, worse than or much different at all from non-asexual people’s relationships.” Chopik said. “The hope is that this de-stigmatizes asexual people’s relationships as just as satisfied and common as non-asexual people’s relationships.”

Detailed article » https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2022.912978/full

The post Even asexual individuals can forge successful romantic relationships: New Study appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

And if you’re looking for such tips, you’ve reached the right place. This article explains five effective ways to re-establish physical intimacy with your partner. Read on for details.

5 ways to re-establish physical intimacy with your partner

1. Strengthen your sex life

It’s during intercourse that couples are most intimate with each other. So, the first way to revive the physical connection with your partner would be to build a healthy sex life.

Many couples often break up because of failure to satisfy each other in bed. And this could be brought about by various causes. Perhaps they’re no longer attracted to each other, or they have a physiological condition that numbs them in bed. If they don’t address such issues, they could intensify over time and eventually lead the couple to break up. And if you’re in such a situation, there are numerous ways to spice up your sex life and re-establish physical intimacy with your partner. Some of them include the following:

Improve your performance in bed

When you know the right moves to make while having intercourse with your partner, you’ll be giving them a solid reason to cherish you always. For instance, as a man, you have to be good in bed to make your lady stick around. You may start by looking up techniques from handbooks available online to enhance your bedroom skills.

Be random

If you have a routine for having intercourse, you might lose interest in it after a while. The reason is that, with time, patterns get boring, and you’d be having intercourse as routine dictates. Consequently, the activity might be void of excitement and the desired pleasure. For that reason, you’d be wise to make your intercourse episodes random.

Be creative

Explore new methods of being intimate with your partner. Try new kinky positions, styles, or tools. However, always remember to keep it safe. Luckily, you can find numerous guidebooks published by professional sexologists online or in bookstores—which explains how to safely engage your creative senses to liven up your sex life.

And there are many more ways to improve your intercourse life, such as making sex a priority in your relationship. Once you implement these tips correctly, certainly, you’ll be safeguarding your intimate life with your partner and saving your relationship in the long run.

2. Spend time together

Spending time with your partner at different times other than during intercourse plays a significant role in strengthening your physical intimacy. During such times, couples have their most profound conversations. You get to learn and understand each other on a deeper level. Thus, you grow closer to each other. You can talk about your intimate desires and explain your likes, dislikes, abilities, or inabilities to each other. And through this, you’ll make them understand you better.

Apart from sharing deep conversations, some time alone with your partner would be your perfect chance to spice up your romantic life by cuddling, kissing, or taking a late-night stroll—just the two of you.

However, as much as spending time with your significant other revamps your intimacy, know when to give yourselves breaks. Because if you spend too much time together, it would only be a matter of time before you feel overwhelmed. And this could put a strain on your relationship. Give one another a reasonable amount of space and time, such as a day or two. So that when you’re finally together, you’ll enjoy every moment in each other’s company.

3. Be romantic

Having romance between you and your partner is crucial in sustaining a healthy relationship. With every slight romantic gesture you make, you strengthen your love bond. And romance isn’t only about being intimate with your significant other. There are more subtle ways to express affection to your partner, such as by:

Being understanding

This is one of the most romantic aspects that are ideal to possess. For instance, sometimes, all your partner might need is space or time. And giving them what they need shows that you understand them and care for their feelings. After being apart for a while, they’ll surely miss you and rush back to your arms.

Cherishing the little things

The simplest gestures often matter the most. So, take advantage of this to re-establish that physical connection with your partner. Steal them a peck or two from time to time, give them a massage after a long day, write them love letters, or take them out to their favorite restaurant. And the list of what to do to express your love for them goes on.

The good thing about romance is that it doesn’t have a textbook definition. All couples are different, and you’d know best how to strike the right chord to make your partner feel special resulting in a boost in your physical intimacy.

4. Exercise

You could be excused for saying that working out is a universal remedy for almost every condition. By exercising, not only can you boost your physical and emotional wellbeing, but it can also improve your bedroom capabilities, as science has proven.

For instance, some yoga poses are relaxing and connected to your sensuality. Consequently, if you try them out with your partner, you’d be building a solid bond with them physically and emotionally. And at such times, the statement, ‘we’re connected in mind, body, and spirit,’ would make perfect sense.

You can also take on a pastime, such as cycling, running, tennis, or other sports, and team up with your partner. You’ll build cooperation through this and eventually make positive progress on your physical intimacy.

5. Visit a counselor

Sometimes, it could be challenging to re-establish the physical connection, much as you may try. On such occasions, don’t let your relationship sink. Try rescuing it further by seeking professional counseling services from a therapist.

You could schedule an appointment with a marriage counselor who’ll analyze your situation and give you professional tips to revive physical intimacy with your partner. And after successful sessions with them, you and your significant other can enjoy each other’s company fully.

Conclusion

There are many ways to re-establish physical intimacy with your partner, and this article mentions five of the most fundamental ways. You should aspire to improve your sex life, spend time with your partner, work out, be romantic with each other, or visit a counselor if needed. If you implement these tips, you’re sure to rekindle the flame of a romantic relationship, and you’ll begin noticing significant improvements in your intimate life.

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Romantic baths

A bath ritual features a series of spa pleasures and the opportunity to float around in the tub with the person you like best in the whole world. Spas usually pull out the stops for this amorous rite and you will find your bath strewn with rose petals, floating candles and sensual music. Soaking together in the tub starts with choosing an essential oil before you immerse yourselves in the tub…and in your relationship! The ritual aims at easing the tension in your bodies.

Chamomile, lavender, basil and bergamot are essential oils that promote relaxation, whereas rosemary and pine warm the muscles and ease aching joints. While the tepid water relaxes muscles, the essential oils do wonders by calming your body and eliminating stress.

Where: All spa resorts offer this ritual. Choose a resort for its majestic ambience, like any of the Jiva spas at the Taj hotels and you are sure to increase your sensual pleasure.

Chocolate therapy

Envision you and your better half soaking in a vat full of sinful milk chocolate. A tender exfoliation with a potion of cocoa bean husks and thick butter follows the soak. You will then be cocooned in a Chocolate Fondue Wrap prepared with balmy moor mud and essence of cocoa. Finally, a delectable chocolate massage ends the ritual. This is not some weird chocoholic’s fantasy, but a treatment available at spas around the world.

Besides the aroma of chocolate eliciting a chemical reaction in the brain that induces feelings of first falling in love, it has barfuls of physical benefits as well. In addition to the endorphins creating an emotion of euphoria, dark chocolate is rich in antioxidants which help reduce wrinkles and keep the skin tight and supple. The caffeine in the cocoa boosts circulation and that is why couples coming out of this treatment feel energised and alive.

Where: The Chocolate Escape Package was first introduced at the Hershey Spa in Pennsylvania, USA. India has a few places where this is available. Frank Provost Spa in Mumbai offers a treatment called the French Kiss [chocolate honey scrub] and Love Choco Ballad [chocolate body scrub followed by a sensuous massage]. The Windflower Spa and Resort in Mysore has a Chocolate Indulgence package.

Earth stone massage

Hot Stone Massage is the ultimate, nurturing healing massage. This profoundly relaxing and balancing treatment can be 75 minutes of unadulterated ecstasy for couples.  First, you have to lie down on massage tables covered with linens, steeped in herbs. You are then gently covered. Smooth, heated ‘placement’ stones are positioned tactically on bare body parts, and ‘working’ hot and cold stones are used in a complete rub down that leaves every muscle and tendon soothed. The heat from the stones penetrates, provoking an utterly tranquil state and an almost magical release of muscle tension—giving you a feeling of invigorated elation.

Earth Stone therapy improves posture and circulation. The warmth of the basalt stones will leave you with lingering sensations of comfort and relaxation. In contrast, the cold marble stones help the body to detoxify and heal, lulling you and your partner to the unknown realms of heaven.

Where: Most spas offer this treatment; choose one that is closer to nature to multiply the pleasure.

Ropana body ritual

The Ropana Body Ritual is over two hours of perfect romantic pampering. This ultra-lavish treatment begins with a steam and a soothing flower petal foot soak. An abhyanga massage [a full body massage with long, deep soothing strokes], exfoliation and a deep cleansing herbal mask follow. Your ritual ends with an aromatic flower bath. Two therapists attend to each of you separately, but you can still get intimate with your eyes and mind.

This cleansing and healing ritual that aims at restoring balance between body and mind. Created around the benefits of neem, this ritual blends the therapeutic properties of date seed, green tea and blood orange. More than two hours of this shared private pleasure will bring about a feeling of serenity and maybe much more.

Where: This ritual is tailor-made for couples at the Four Seasons Hotel in Mumbai in your private suite.

Vinotherapy

Vinotherapy or wine therapy is an indulgence that started in a French winery where the skins and seeds of the grape were used for their healing properties rather than being disposed of. This intoxicating three-step treatment starts with a gentle exfoliating scrub prepared from sticky sugar and plump grape skin extracts massaged onto your bodies. Sugar has wonderful skin tightening and antioxidant elements, and while the scrub is allowed to soak in, you and your partner are snugly wrapped in warm blankets, lying side by side. After an invigorating shower, your skin is smoothed and prepped for a full-body application of nourishing grape seed oil.

Besides leaving your skin delightfully tingling, Chardonnay and Shiraz wraps contain high levels of polyphenols that heal skin damage and detoxify. These chemicals are responsible for preventing coronary heart diseases, combating pollution, sun damage and are 20 times more effective than vitamin C.

Where: The trendiest spas in India have promised to start this sumptuous treatment and the ones to watch out for are the major wine houses in the country. Anushka salon and spa in Chennai does offer a heady grape treatment, it’s only a matter of time until the others catch up.

On the whole

Holistic treatments stimulate all five senses, opening you up completely to the person besides you, garnering a renewed sense of togetherness. Physical touch coupled with correct breathing techniques are powerful therapeutic tools to lift your mood and heal your soul. It increases and improves the energy flow throughout your body allowing the release of negative emotions and memories, thereby reducing the harmful impact they have upon your feeling of wellbeing.

Couple spa treatments not only strip you down to your bare selves, but also break down stress barriers, and offer a unique way to experience romance. After experiencing the rituals together, you and your partner may feel relaxed, aroused or emotionally more exposed—bringing you closer in mind, body and spirit.

This was first published in the Feb 2009 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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“It is not unusual for someone to tell me after a few months of tantric involvement that s/he feels like a different person, much less stressed, much more comfortable, more joyful,” says Bodhi Avinasha, founder of Tantrika International.

Although the word tantra sounds very esoteric and mystical, it’s really easy to follow and inculcate it into your sexual practice, once you understand the basic philosophy. Let’s get you initiated into it…

What is Tantra?

“Tantra is where sex is transformed into love, and love is transformed into the higher self,” says the spiritual master Osho. According to Avinasha, tantra is much more than a sexual teaching. In the literal sense, tantra, the Sanskrit word, means weaving. At the core of the tantra way of life, which originated in the Hindu and Buddhist cultures of India and Tibet, is the knowing that everything is a manifestation of the Divine energy and is woven together.

“The union of ordinary man and woman becomes eternal coupling of Shakti [divine mother] and Shiva [immortal spirit]. When connected in sacred, ritualised sex, our human bodies—mirrors of the cosmos—rejoin the wholeness of essential reality. Thus, tantra weaves together sex and spirit,” write authors Pala Copeland and Al Link in Soul Sex: Tantra for Two.

Tantra practices include meditation, sacred sounds, scents and breath control. The form of tantra that is practised today, though does not encompass many of the rituals originally prescribed; it has been modified to fit the current time and age.

A union of souls

All tantric sex practices aim to awaken the energy centres [chakras] of the body to attain higher levels of consciousness. It is at this level that the sexual union between man and woman happens. Together they achieve spiritual and physical ecstasy; become one with one another and the Divine. Hence, tantra is also known as soul-to-soul sex.

Red and white

The White Tantra, write David Ramsdale and Cynthia W Gentry in their book, Red Hot Tantra, is the type of tantra popular today. And according to yoga scholar George Feuerstein, PhD, it originated in medieval India around AD 1000. White Tantra is the masculine version of the tantric tradition; Red Tantra, the feminine version.

Tantric practices are further divided into Hindu Tantric practices and Buddhist Tantric practices. However, a lot of tantra propagated today is an interesting blend of both, like the SkyDancing Tantra.

Sky Dancing

According to Margot Anand, founder of SkyDancing Tantra, this tantra is based on Tantric Buddhism developed by the enlightened couple Buddha Padmasambhava [Guru Rinpoche] and Yeshe Tsogyal in 8th century Tibet.

“It is a path of spiritual partnership between men and women as equal spiritual partners integrating ecstatic states into their daily lives,” she says. SkyDancing Tantra combines modern techniques, such as psychology, neurolinguistic programming [NLP], visualisation, with meditation, sacred ritual, massage.

Like her, many are reinterpreting tantra their own way. However, some principles are common to all.

Core principles of Tantra

Sex is blissful

Tantra considers sex good. It views it as a moral force and encourages individuals to express themselves unrestricted, harness their powerful sexual energy and experience unrestricted orgasms.

Sex energy is life-force

Both sexual and spiritual energies are expressions of the life-force or prana or chi. “As the sexual energy charge builds during lovemaking, we increase our access to this basic life-force,” write Pala Copeland and Al Link. Do not resist this life-force.

Sexuality is spiritual

Tantra is a form of yoga, which means union. Hence, tantric yoga unites sexuality and spirituality. Sex and spirit are one.

Pleasure is our birthright

Tantra places the sole responsibility of pleasuring oneself squarely on the individual. If you are not open to sexual pleasure, you will not experience ecstasy no matter what the other does. Only if you are fulfilled, will you be attractive to the other. And only if you can satisfy yourself, can you satisfy another.

Spontaneity

Being natural and spontaneous is important. Curb no impulses, go with your inner flow and seek pleasure. Pleasure is supreme, nothing is taboo.

There are various schools of tantra, and hence diverse rituals and practices. But to experience true tantric bliss and to follow real tantra is to internalise its principles and apply them. Getting caught up in technicalities beats the purpose. Any sexual act done with these principles in mind will tranform your experience a tantric one. In that sense, tantra is a state of consciousness.

Tips to try tantra in your bedroom

Consider your whole body your sex organ

Not just your genitals, you can experience erotic sensations in every inch of your body; particularly erotic are the hands, hips, thighs, neck and feet. Stroke, caress with your whole body, focus on the feelings. Then, “each part of our body becomes almost as hot, open, and sensitive as the genitals,” writes Suzie Heumann, founder of Tantra.com.

Breathe faster

In his book, A Chakra & Kundalini Workbook, Dr Jonn Mumford prescribes men to puff out air out of their mouth, while pulling in the stomach muscle sharply with each exhalation [as in Kapal bhati asana] as they approach orgasm. This retards ejaculation by easing the blood supply to the male sexual organ, intensifying orgasm.

Be in the moment

Each time you become intimate with each other, be totally rooted in the now. Blindfolding each other is a fantastic way to do that; without the visual stimulation you learn to explore each other, focusing on the current feelings and surrendering to the sensations. You can either blindfold each other simultaneously, or alternate. Do not hurry. Let each sensations penetrate your spirit.

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A detailed probe into her personality and her marital relationship revealed that she was a physically and emotionally healthy sexual being. Her husband was incorrectly labelling her as hypersexual.

He put a lot of physical and emotional energy into his profession and therefore wanted to be the one to choose and decide when to engage in physical intimacy as per his work schedule.

This left no room for spontaneity between them, and also no space for her to initiate intimacy based on her natural urges. When she initiated sex, he would not respond and in fact label her as a nymphomaniac so that she resigned to having sex when he chose to.

Vinita was depressed as she was in an intrapersonal conflict between what she wanted [i.e. to go by her normal and natural urges] and what she was made to believe she ought to do [i.e. to go by the urges of her husband as he labelled her needs as abnormal].

Women like Vinita need to be empowered in counselling to accept their body-mind as sexual beings because often the environment shames them for what is an existential and normal urge.

Men have always been intimidated and overwhelmed by the thought of women playing an active role in sex. They fear not being able to perform or satiate them.

Women have been made to believe that they must be ‘ladylike’ and not initiate sex. Fearing being termed as ‘unladylike’, ‘nymphomaniac’ or worse of ‘loose character’, many women suppress their entity as sexual beings and get depressed due to the inner conflict.

Men have used shame and humiliation of women to alleviate their own performance anxieties, or to humour their own selfish lifestyles.

Sex and self worth

A large number of women carry within them feelings of inadequacy from their past. They feel unloved or unlovable due to childhood experiences and/or dynamics with parents.

Such women seek constant reassurance that they are loved. One of the most common ways in which they seek this validation is by initiating intimacy often, and expecting a response each time.

In such cases, the woman may come across as hypersexual to the man who does not understand that it is her way of seeking validation. Sex for her is the reassurance that she is loved. Such women can feel spurned and rejected and are extremely touchy about the lack of responsiveness from the sexual partner.

Therefore, for their extremely ‘needy’ mind, there is no scope for the partner to decline intimacy on any occasion. The sexual partner in such cases feels overwhelmed and cannot get himself to cater to such a woman’s extreme emotional neediness through sex.

Such women need to be made aware through counselling that their coming across as a ‘bottomless pit’, sexually, has its roots in feelings of inadequacy. They need to be helped to experience self-love to overcome their neediness so that they have a more liberated and normal sexual life.

Ruchi was the youngest of four sisters and had a gnawing feeling that she was unwanted by her parents. She tried to justify her place in the family by overachieving academically. Her hungry eyes and ears looked for that one nod of approval or one word of praise from her parents.

After marriage, the ‘emotional child’ in her craved the same approval from her husband, and she was addicted to this approval through his positive response in sex whenever she initiated it.

If her husband ever refused, all hell would break loose, with Ruchi accusing him of having an extra-marital affair, or not loving her anymore.

This drama would put him off and he would withdraw in annoyance, which only served to reinforce her insecurities and the feelings of inadequacy deeply entrenched in her.

It was a vicious cycle till they came for couple counselling for what her husband termed as hyper-sexuality but which was anything but that. She was helped in her journey of self-love and their marriage was rescued.

Addiction to the act

Some women are molested as kids. It has been done in such a way that the molester has engaged in a gentle sexual seduction, making it pleasurable for the girls’ premature bodies and leaving them feeling like a willing participant.

They feel confused as their bodies like it at the same time they feel that something is wrong at the gut level. Such victims of sexual abuse have often described a life of promiscuity and hyper-sexuality, where they feel as if they have absolutely no control over their body and mind. They live a life of sexual addiction.

Sapna was a sexual abuse victim as she was abused at a very young age. As an adult, she had multiple sexual affairs as she was addicted to the power she could exercise with elder, successful and socially powerful men.

After marriage her sexual addiction posed a problem as it manifested in hyper-sexuality and the threat of promiscuity.

A social worker engaged in rehabilitation of commercial sex workers once shared with us that some sex workers get angry during rehabilitation as they have cravings for sex, and opt to go back to the same profession. There is an element of sex addiction in such cases.

Such cases can be treated through psychotherapy with the active participation of the affected person. Such a person has to be made aware of the addiction with its roots in the abuse.

She herself has to want to systematically self-exorcise the addiction from its roots through a prolonged and painful healing process of the body-mind.

Sex – a stress buster?

Many men and women use sex as a stress-buster. However, the number of men using sex for this purpose is much more. This can manifest as hyper-sexuality if one does it with a sexual partner.

However, at times, it is in the form of masturbation/self-pleasuring. Often, this leads to disastrous results. Manish has grown used to masturbating watching porn sites on his frequent professional trips abroad.

He soon turned to sex chats, first using text and later using a web camera. Soon, he started pressurising his wife to participate in similar activities with him. Normal sex with his wife now seemed non-stimulating, and his addiction for perverse forms of sex, took a toll on their marriage.

What began as a stress-buster for him turned into a nightmare for his wife, and a disaster for their marriage.

Blame it on the chemicals

Sometimes a mood disorder such as bi-polar disorder could manifest as hypersexuality when the patient is in the manic/euphoric phase.

Rohini was diagnosed as bi-polar. She had a history of swinging from manic phases to depressive phases. In every manic phase, she would get hypersexual—she would dance seductively at discos and flirt with strange men.

She even had to undergo two abortions for conception during her one-night stands in this phase. Just the opposite would happen in her depressive phase when sex was farthest from her mind.

Hypersexuality is also a term used loosely sometimes when there is a normal variation of sexual appetites or when the timing of sexual urges between two people doesn’t match.

It is therefore important to know the history of a person, both sexual and psychological, before labelling him/her as hypersexual.

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On the other side of the equation are partners who feel tremendous pressure to perform, feel inadequate, get scared, or experience harassment.

They may feel like they never get a break from the constant requests of their lover. My intent here is to guide both sides of a relationship experiencing desire disparity to find a healthy balance.

For those left wanting…

First and foremost, when we seek fulfilment in others, we are destined to be forever disappointed. With this in mind, I encourage you to find ways of creating sensual and sexual experiences for yourself that don’t involve your partner.

Taking pressure off your partner and putting it on yourself might also invite your partner to join you [eventually, maybe, sometimes] but this should not be your goal.

Your focus should be on pleasuring yourself as much as you want, within your ‘sexual success plan’. Let me walk you through some steps towards having the sex life you always dreamed of.

Discover and be clear about what you want: This is where you create your ‘sexual success plan’. What kind of erotic and sexual experiences are you interested in exploring? How much, how long, when, and where? How often?

How do you want to be touched and pleasured? What are some feelings and emotions attached to these desires and fantasies? Take some quiet, private time to settle into yourself and search for answers to these questions.

Write them down. Similar to most areas of life, the clearer you are about what you are seeking; the more likely you are to achieve your goals.

Distil what you can achieve on your own, within the boundaries of your relationship: My recommendations do not include trespassing on the mutual agreement[s] you may have with your partner.

I invite you to create methods of pleasuring yourself, on your own, in ways that fulfil some of your fantasies and desires, in an ethical way. Purchasing a few things that intrigue you and spending time pleasuring yourself is a great place to start your practice of self love. Practise. Practise. Practise.

The journey to self love and knowledge of what you like, takes time and practice. Some ideas include using a mirror and exploring your entire body, touching all your erogenous zones, seeking connection to yourself and understanding what pleasures you the most. If you don’t know your body, spend some time discovering yourself.

If you are practising self pleasuring on a regular basis, your level of sexual fulfilment should get better over time. Don’t just masturbate but truly tune in to your body and feelings, making love to your whole self.

Revisit your success plan and refine the areas that involve other people: Undoubtedly, some aspects of your sexual fulfilment cannot be achieved without a partner. It is time to involve them and have a discussion about your desires and how they can be satisfied.

Make a list, write a letter, be clear about the what, when, and how, and share this with your partner. Encourage him/her to read your letter/list in your presence, if speaking is too challenging.

Agree on a sexual culture: Come up with an agreement about what your partner is willing to do with you or allow you to do without him/her. If s/he wants to have sex once a month, and you want to have it once a week, arrive at a compromise.

If the frequency is OK, but the kind of sex you are having is unfulfilling, encourage your partner to explore what s/he wants [how to be touched, what positions, where, when] and see if you can create this together.

Exchange nights of passion where you get to receive and have the kind of sex you like, the next time it’s the others turn to have it the way s/he wants. There are many creative and beautiful ways to build your pleasure and satisfaction with each other&the possibilities are endless!

On a final note, if it is touch you are longing for, I recommend going for a full body massage as often as you need. If you are single, this is especially important to do on a regular basis. Ask a friend to hold you, hug you, or massage you. There are also sacred sexuality practitioners who can work with you, if being with others is an important part of your ‘sexual success plan’ but your partner is not willing to meet you where you are.

For those who are sexually less interested…

The reasons a person might have for not wanting to have sex are usually complex and often quite personal. There might be emotional and/or physical pain associated with sex. They might feel intimidated, unattractive, inadequate, or generally have a low sex drive. Whatever the reasons, feeling pressured to perform is a buzz kill.

Let’s start at the top and explore any experience of pain you may be having. If physical pain or limitation is stopping you from enjoying sex, see a health professional. Men often have erectile dysfunction or early ejaculation issues, especially within the performance anxiety realm.

In my practice, there are many women who share that they experience vaginal pain, especially during intercourse, and being afraid of sex is a stark reality. Don’t try to work through these physical issues alone.

If your emotions are preventing your enjoyment of pleasure, finding ways to build your sexual self-esteem is important. Aspects of what I have recommended can help with this —self exploration, self love, and forgiveness. There are many books and resources available to help with this process. But, above all, acceptance of yourself and where you are, is the key to beginning your journey to self love.

Asking for support and understanding from your partner as you explore this process is also essential. Encourage your partner to take the steps suggested to help relieve some of the pressure you might be experiencing from him/her.

Perhaps you feel you have a low sex drive in general, or you aren’t that attracted to your partner overall. Again, the reasons for this can be very complex and personal. Reading books, exploring ideas, seeking professional help or doing healing work with seasoned practitioners may help you find answers.

Sexual expression and pleasure is an important part of health and happiness. So, finding ways to feel sexually-empowered and satisfied is crucial. Whatever side of the desire disparity equation you might be on, your happiness is important. Finding your conditions of satisfaction and fulfilling them as best you can, will help you find the balance you are seeking.

This was first published in the May 2011 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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