• Introduction: What is codependency
• Top 10 signs of codependency in relationships
• Why we enter codependent relationships — Top 4 causes
• Interdependent Relationships — The secret to attracting healthy love
• Overcoming codependency – 4 methods to build an interdependent relationship with your partner

Introduction: What is codependency

We’re all addicts. Our drug of choice just differs. For some it’s alcohol or work, for others it’s gambling or sex—but in my decade of experience as a hypnotherapist—I’ve found that love is the most powerful of all addictions. It’s no surprise then, that the term codependency was coined by Alcoholics Anonymous in the 1950s to describe the partners of alcoholics as being “addicted to the addict.”

Codependency is an addiction to love. One that puts self-sacrifice above self-worth, and keeps partners trapped in one-sided, abusive and destructive relationships.

Let us unpack the common signs of codependency and explore the root causes so you can start to take the steps towards healthy, interdependent relationships rooted in self love.

Top 10 signs of codependency in relationships

Humans are hardwired for connection. The quality of these connections is a direct reflection of our own self-worth. This is exactly where codependency begins…

In relationships, codependency refers to a person who is dependent on someone else to define their sense of self-worth.

Below are the most common ways codependency shows up in our romantic relationships. However, you will probably find many of these patterns also carry over into our relationships at work, with friends and in everyday life.

1. Betraying yourself or your own needs in order to be accepted by your partner [i.e. neglecting self care, avoiding time with friends, etc.]
2. Engaging in harmful behaviour [emotionally, physically] to please your partner
3. Struggle setting boundaries and holding partners accountable
4. Excessive perfectionism and people pleasing behavior with your partner
5. Separation anxiety and constant fear of abandonment from your partner
6. Obsessive focus on your partner’s behaviour [i.e. snooping through phone, suspecting of cheating, etc.]
7. Overshare or overgive emotionally, financially, physically to your partner
8. Overly controlling or nagging of partner
9. Insecure and in need of reassurance, low self-esteem [i.e. constantly comparing, judgment, self-criticism]
10. Constantly feel the need to be in a relationships [quickly jump from one to the next, struggles being alone]

While codependency can manifest in different ways in adult life, the cause is often traced back to the same place—childhood.

Why we enter codependent relationships — Top 4 causes

The roots of codependency start in childhood, defined by our parents and early experiences. When you do not experience a stable, supportive and nurturing environment, you lack the ability to cultivate healthy self-love and self-esteem.

In turn, you seek another person to define your own sense of self. This creates an insecure attachment style that causes emotional addiction and self-abandonment—further perpetuating codependency.

The root cause

For those trapped in this toxic cycle, the root cause is often one of nature, nurture, or a mix of both:

1. Overprotective parents

These are typically people that say “I had the perfect childhood, I don’t get what’s wrong with me.” When this parenting happens, they remove too much risk or adversity from the child’s life in order to avoid rejection. There is often a lot of guilt and pressure put on the child to please the parents with the partners they choose – putting their desires second.

2. Under-protective parents

These codependents struggle the most with abandonment. They often describe themselves as “latch key kids” who had workaholics as parents. This causes the child to be overly independent and overly giving – carrying that into relationships which often put them in a position to be taken advantage of.

3. Childhood trauma/wounded inner-child

While these codependency wounds most often come from parenting—friends, peers, teachers, mentors also have a major impact. Whether you experienced emotional or physical abuse, bullying, rejection—they impress upon the subconscious mind, which forms until age 12—and these experiences ultimately shape our self-esteem and self-worth. They show up in adulthood as a wounded inner child – seeking approval and validation at the expense of their true desires and needs.

4. Genetics — Addicted or mentally ill parents

If you grew up with a parent suffering from addiction, you got a front row seat into codependency. The term was first created to describe the relationship between an addict and their drug. Research has found children raised by parents suffering from mental illness like anxiety, depression, NPD [narcissistic personality disorder], or BPD [borderline personality disorder] are at a greater risk of codependent relationships.

Interdependent relationships — The secret to attracting healthy love

The cure to codependency is interdependence.

Interdependence forms when partners recognise and value the bond they share while maintaining a positive sense of self within the dynamic. The complete opposite of codependency, partners encourage personal development, autonomy and growth as individuals. In healthy, interdependent relationships, partners do not rely on each other for feelings of self-worth. It’s a perfect balance, where the connection comes without compromise.

Below are some of the common signs of healthy, interdependent relationships:

• You both invest ample time in personal interests — do not feel guilt, shame or sacrifice when doing so
• You engage in healthy, two-sided communication that validates each other’s feelings
• You feel safe being honest and vulnerable with each other
• You find personal fulfillment through your own interests and accomplishments as well as the relationship.

If you seek more trust, freedom and individuality in your relationship, interdependency is the answer.

Overcoming codependency — 4 methods to build an interdependent relationship with your partner

Codependence says – “I need you. I can’t be without you. You make me better.”

Interdependence says – “I want you. We make a great team. You inspire me to be better.”

The path to independence starts when you commit to self-love.

4 methods to heal your relationship with yourself and attract a healthy partner

Consider any of the following four methods to heal the relationship with yourself and attract healthy, interdependent partners:

1. Explore inner child work to heal past trauma

Revisiting past childhood trauma or beliefs systems will help you understand the root cause of patterns you are recreating in adulthood. This work focuses on reprogramming the subconscious blocks keeping you tied to unhealthy relationship patterns and repairing your self esteem.

2. Clearly define your desires, values and non-negotiables with partners

Before you can commit to a partner, you need to commit to yourself as an individual. All too often, we feel unworthy of our desires or core needs and accept the bare minimum. Explore journaling or vision boarding to connect to your wants. What matters most to you? What are some of your core beliefs? What do you value? Be upfront with your needs and expectations.

3. Engage in healthy self talk and affirmations with yourself

The basis for interdependence is defined by the relationship you have with yourself. This requires daily nurturing and attention. Take as little as 20 minutes a day, just for you. Explore positive affirmations, meditation, mirror work. Write yourself a love letter, show yourself the love, worthiness and respect you want to receive from others.

4. Practice vulnerability with your partner

The key to an interdependent relationship is vulnerability—feeling you can turn to your partner for intimacy, support, and affection without the fear or control. Schedule regular check-in’s with your partner. Share your fears, discuss your hopes, ask for what you need, try something new together.

Conclusion

Our ability to attract healthy love is a direct reflection of our ability to love ourselves. Committing to a path of self-love is a process, and awareness is the first step. If you’re on the path to recovery from codependency my best advice is this: start small, take it slow and stay consistent.

The post Codependency vs. Interdependence: The Art of Healthy Relationships appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

When hardship abounds, so does despair. Fortunately, humankind is also capable of experiencing another emotion when faced with adversity that can be cathartic for all concerned—compassion.

Compassion is natural in humans

Compassion, according to Emma Seppala, Science Director of the Centre for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education at Stanford University, entails an “emotional response when perceiving suffering” and “an authentic desire to help”.  Though we may be disheartened by global news coverage of our fractious and fragmented world, researchers posit that compassion is innate in animals and humans.

While our species can be callous, contemptuous and cruel, we also harbour a “natural tendency” towards compassion that has contributed to our survival, argues Seppala in a Psychology Today article.

In an experiment, conducted by Elizabeth Dunn and colleagues, participants were given a fixed amount of money. Half were instructed to spend it on themselves, while the other half were asked to spend it on others. Researchers then measured the happiness levels of all the participants. Contrary to what we might expect, the researchers found that people who spent money on others were more content than those who indulged themselves. Seppala argues that compassion benefits us at multiple levels.

Multiple benefits of compassion

Physiologically, people whose happiness stems from having a sense of purpose in life have low levels of cellular inflammation. In contrast, people who derive happiness from hedonistic pursuits exhibit high inflammation levels. Thus, purpose rather than pleasure seems to be conducive to our physical health. Further, lives imbued with purpose or meaning are more often other-directed as opposed to self-directed. Rather than viewing the world through a self-obsessed lens, a feature linked to many psychological problems like depression and anxiety, focussing our attention on others and their problems can widen our perspective.

Additionally, compassion also enhances our longevity, possibly by mitigating our stress levels. Seppala cites a study by Michal Poulin that found that stress is linked to mortality for most people. However, for “those who helped others,” the stress levels did not “predict mortality.”  Apparently, being of service to others nourishes the self.

How to cultivate compassion in times of adversity

In these bleak and uncertain times, are there things you can do to cultivate compassion? Indeed, there are! Let’s discuss a few ways you can cultivate compassion:

Meaningful contributions

In a blog post on PositivePsychology.com, psychologist Heather Lonczak suggests that we engage in acts of altruism. Though most of us may be home-bound, consider ways you can harness your skills and talents to make meaningful contributions, however small.

If you are adept at sewing, you can make masks that can be distributed to needy people.  Or, perhaps you can conduct pro-bono online cooking classes for kids to keep them engaged and occupied while their harried parents catch up on chores or work.

You may reach out to elderly family members to check if you can shop for them. Or consider making a donation to help migrant labourers who have lost their jobs.  In fact, there are opportunities aplenty at this time for you to tap into your altruistic spirit.

Avoiding judgement

Lonczak also exhorts us to avoid judging people through a negative lens. Often, we don’t fully understand the context behind a person’s compunctions. Though we may disapprove of another person’s actions in a particular situation, know that we can’t entirely predict our own reactions to the very same predicament. Instead of harping on the differences between you and the rest, trying to find similarities or areas of common ground can promote compassion.

Being grateful

Being grateful for all that is going well in your life can also make you more compassionate towards those who aren’t as fortunate. Engaging in meditation, specifically the Buddhist practice emphasizing loving-kindness, can increase the ambit of your compassion. And, most importantly, don’t forget to exercise self-compassion.

The key is to practising self-love

Often, we are harshest towards ourselves, especially when it comes to personal failings and inadequacies. But if you wish to cultivate compassion, you need to begin with yourself: stop berating and criticizing yourself. Psychologist Kristen Neff, who has studied self-compassion in depth, identifies three components on the website self-compassion.org:

1. Avoid beating yourself up

First, when we fall short, we may deny our imperfections or judge ourselves harshly. Neff exhorts us to recognise our flaws without disparaging ourselves. Treat yourself with kindness and understanding, just as you would treat a friend.

2. Accept pain as an inevitability

Second, when you suffer, know that pain is part and parcel of the human experience.  Acknowledging your common humanity with others will make you feel less alone during trying periods. Even if those around you seem better off, remind yourself that almost everyone is hit by the vicissitudes of life and your pain too shall pass.

3. Practise mindfulness

Finally, cultivate mindfulness so that you can view your thoughts and feelings from an observer’s point of view without getting unduly mired in them.

Let’s cultivate compassion and make our world richer

If we thus hone our ability to exercise compassion, the world will definitely be richer for it.  While we hope that Covid-19 is curtailed sooner than later, the pandemic has given us a chance to plumb the reservoirs of human compassion.

The post How to cultivate compassion in times of adversity appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

“I am good when I give to others. It’s better to give than to receive.” Myth or magic?

Although many of us have grown up believing that it is our solemn duty to give, give, and keep on giving to others, that is only half-truth—a myth that prevents us from living joyfully and giving fully. Instead, consider what the world’s great sages say: You have a duty to give to others and to give to yourself. When you are in need, you must also receive. This advice sounds obvious, but how many of us are even near the top of our own copious to-do lists?

The principles of giving and receiving that apply to our daily lives are no different than the principles that operate in nature all around us. “A field that has rested gives a bountiful crop,” said the Roman poet Ovid. The earth must receive enough sunshine, water, and nutrients before it can produce a bountiful harvest from the seeds we plant. After the earth has given birth to the harvest, it must then rest and restore its life force so it can give again. The same is true of your life. How can you give to others if you don’t first nourish and fill yourself?

In a way that you might not have considered before, that question is embedded right inside the first principle we are taught as children—the golden rule. The golden rule is found throughout the world’s traditions. The Mahabharata, the ancient epic of India, says, “Do naught unto others, which would cause you pain if done to you.” Islam affirms that a true believer “desires for his brother that which he desires for himself,” and Christianity teaches, “Love thy neighbour as thyself.” Yet, if we are to love and treat others as [that is, in the same way that] we love and treat ourselves, how does that leave them if we treat ourselves with anything less than love and affection? Put another way, we can’t really honor others if we don’t first honor ourselves.

Myth: It is always my duty to give to others.

Magic: It is my duty to give to myself as well as to others. By giving to myself, I am giving to others.

Here, then, we meet the first paradox of the inner art of giving and receiving—we are able to care for and love others best when we care for and love ourselves first. Like all true paradoxes, the two seeming opposites are not mutually exclusive but mutually inclusive.

There is a season for both giving and receiving. Ecclesiastes, known as “the Teacher,” tells us [in the words made popular in the song by Pete Seeger]: “To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;… A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing.” Our job is to recognize which season we are living in at the moment and honor its call.

Learning to give to yourself

Some of us are awesome givers but not very good receivers. We don’t ask for support. We don’t admit to others or to ourselves that we need any. We don’t even like to accept compliments. We reside on one side of the paradox [“I have a duty to give to others”], but we have forgotten about its complement [“I have a duty to give to myself”]. When that happens, the universe will step in to wake us up, to create balance, and to show us that we must honor ourselves too.

No matter who we are, life automatically apprentices us to the art of giving and receiving, and our lessons often begin with what we can see and touch—our bodies. They start with the questions: Do you love yourself enough to honor your body’s needs? Do you give yourself the nourishment, rest, and recreation you deserve?

If you don’t willingly give that to yourself, your body will eventually make sure you get it. I saw this happen to an acquaintance I would spend time with a few times a year at business meetings. At one meeting, I asked how she was feeling, knowing that she had been recovering from a recent surgery. “I’m good, but busy again,” she said with a frown. “If I don’t get some time off soon, I’m going to have to schedule another visit to the hospital!” My heart skipped a beat as I realized that she might very well fulfil her own prophecy. She hadn’t learned the lesson her body had tried to teach her the first time.

I’m no stranger to these lessons myself. When I was recuperating from my own unexpected trip to the hospital, a friend, who was a nurse, insisted on dropping by a few times a day to make sure I had everything I needed. She could see I was having a hard time sitting still and accepting the fact that I should rest, so she appointed herself my guardian angel for the week. I kept telling her that I felt fine and there was no reason I couldn’t get up. Besides, there were so many things I needed to attend to. She didn’t buy it. Looking me straight in the eye, she said, “Your job now is to sit still and relax.”

If we want to get in touch with our inner potential, we must also care for our bodies

She went on to tell me that she was just passing on a lesson she had learned when she had gotten sick. Like me, she had wanted to bolt from her bed and get going. A mentor of hers, catching her out of bed, sent her right back under the covers. “It’s where you belong,” she had told her. “You’ve been a nurse for so long that you think you should always be giving to others. Now you have to learn to receive.” I could identify with that. I suspected that my tendency to work so hard for so long was partly what put me into the hospital in the first place. After my friend left, I sat back, closed my eyes, and promptly fell asleep. She was right. My body wasn’t quite ready to start giving again.

Although we have been taught to think that spirituality encourages us to turn our attention away from the body and the material world to what is “otherworldly,” there’s a misconception wrapped up in that logic—a misconception that the world’s great teachers have warned us to watch out for. They tell us that if we want to get in touch with our inner potential, we must also care for our bodies.

Rabbi Nachman of Bratslav, for example, said, “Strengthen your body before you strengthen your soul.” More than two thousand years earlier, this same realization prompted the founder of Buddhism to develop one of the keystones of his philosophy—the Middle Way. Siddhartha Gautama, an Indian prince, left his wife and young child looking for something more than riches and material pleasure. For six years he was an ascetic, believing that the practice of intense austerities would lead him to his goal of becoming enlightened. Depriving himself of the nourishment he needed, he became so weak that one day he almost died of starvation.

Fortunately, a young girl found Gautama and offered him a bowl of nourishing rice milk. Realizing that his sacrifices and severe practices had not brought him closer to enlightenment, he gratefully ate the meal. Strengthened, he vowed to meditate under a tree until he attained enlightenment. Gautama faced many temptations during the ordeal but, with his strength intact, he succeeded at last in achieving his goal. After his awakening, the first thing he taught was that only when we walk the Middle Way—can we attain enlightenment, indeed any deeply held goal.

That universal principle of the balanced Middle Way applies as much to us today as it did to those who first heard it from the Buddha’s lips. We, too, must examine whether our extreme sacrifices and the habits we think are making us “good” are actually bringing us closer to the fulfilment and meaning we seek in life. Do you sacrifice the needs of your body because you have adopted the myth that “my one and only duty is to give to others”? Do you ignore the warning signs and messengers who are trying to get you back into balance? Do you think of your body as something you must love?

Nora, a biochemistry researcher, found that changing how she looked at her body changed her life. For years, Nora had struggled with all kinds of diets and regimes without any success. When she had a serious health scare, she told herself that this was the last straw. She had to get into shape. It was now or never.

Fast forward three months. That’s when I met a new Nora, with a triumphant smile on her face. She had astounded herself and her friends by losing more weight than she had ever thought possible in so short a time. “I tend to be in my head a lot,” she admitted, “and so I never took much time to pay attention to my body. Once I started doing what was good for me physically, I saw that it wasn’t about losing weight but about loving my body. That made all the difference. Being careful about what I feed myself isn’t hard when I think about it like that.”

The first step to bringing your life back into balance is to be able to recognize when you are out of balance

You don’t have to be overweight to identify with Nora. With the hectic pace of our lives, when something has to give it’s often our bodies that get the short end of the stick, whether that’s reflected in the meals we skip, the fast foods we gobble down on the run, the excessive stimulants we drink, or the exercise we never quite fit in. The problem is that when we don’t keep our body in balance, the rest of us—our mind, our emotions, our spirit, our relationships—suffer as well.

There is a scene in the book Zorba the Greek that sums up the importance of caring for our bodies. The earthy Zorba never does anything without total resilience and passion. Zorba’s boss has yet to learn the joys of his life-affirming lifestyle. When his boss, head buried in a book and in the clouds, claims he’s not hungry and doesn’t want to eat the delicious meal Zorba has just prepared, Zorba exclaims, “But you’ve not had a bite since morning. The body’s got a soul, too, have pity on it. Give it something to eat, boss, give it something; it’s our beast of burden, you know. If you don’t feed it, it’ll leave you stranded in the middle o’ the road.”

The illusion of being full

Another myth that makes it hard to give ourselves the attention we deserve is the myth that busyness is strength—that the more balls we can juggle, the stronger we are. When we seem to have the ability to keep pushing—to go, go, go—we believe that we can do anything. We think that we’re members of that special breed who are built to give and who don’t need to rest and take breaks as much as everyone else. This is, in fact, a trick we play on ourselves. The truth is often that the more driven we are, the less energy we really have.

Brendan Kelly, an acupuncturist and herbalist who specializes in Chinese five-element acupuncture, talked to me about how this works, because, admittedly, I’m one of those who has managed to fool myself. Like all healing traditions, there are many ways of looking at how energy works in the body and in our lives, and what follows is just one interpretation of the classic Chinese view of how the body, mind, and spirit work together. It’s based on the idea that the body naturally needs alternating cycles of activity and rest so that we can replenish our reservoir of strength.

Our modern, fast-paced culture adds to the illusion by encouraging the buzz of busyness

An abundance of activity in our lives creates what Chinese medicine looks at as “heat” in the body. The heat we produce by our constant busyness uses up our body’s “coolant,” which we need in order to maintain our internal resources and reserves. When we use too much of our reserves and have much more heat than coolant, we can start to have a variety of symptoms, anything from anxiety and insomnia to hot flashes, redness, or heat anywhere in the body. “This coolant is what the Chinese call yin energy, and it is one source, though not the exclusive source, for our internal peace as well as deep wisdom,” Brendan explained. “What happens when we burn out this coolant is that we are sacrificing the possibility of deep peace and wisdom for short-term activity and busyness.”

In other words, by keeping our lives full of activity without taking time to reenergize, we create “a lack of internal peace and we don’t have the ability to listen to who we are,” said Brendan. “Without enough ‘coolant,’ we cannot know who we are in our heart or express who we are in a balanced way.”

As you might expect, we can rebuild our yin energy [our coolant] by relaxing and creating a state of stillness, whether by giving ourselves more breaks or more sleep, engaging in prayer or meditation, or using certain healing therapies.

Now, here’s how we trick ourselves. The less strength or resources we have within, the more we may sense an internal inadequacy, as if we just don’t have enough to keep going. None of us likes that feeling, so we tend to push even harder to make up for it. We pump ourselves up with stimulants, fill our days with activity, and create more external busyness. All of that masks the feeling that we’re really running on empty. The busyness, the activity, and the stimulants conceal our internal depletion and create the illusion that we have more energy than we do. Our modern, fast-paced culture adds to the illusion by encouraging the buzz of busyness. We are skilled at creating all sorts of products and elixirs to help us keep on buzzing. But all along, the internal buzz that we label as energy isn’t real energy. Instead, it indicates a lack of real energy.

“The extra heat in the body gives us the impression that we have more energy,” says Brendan, “but we don’t have more energy—just more heat. When you use heat instead of real energy to propel you through the day, what you give up is a sense of internal well-being.” What’s the difference between that and a state where we are truly energized and full? When we have ample inner resources, we don’t rush to and fro. Instead, we are at peace and have inner stability because we feel full and secure. We take care of what needs to be done, but we aren’t consumed by the compulsive need to push beyond what our bodies can handle at the moment because we know that we cannot continue to give to others if we ourselves aren’t full.

Myth: My drive to stay busy and my ability to keep doing more means I am strong.

Magic: Stillness creates strength.

A classic image that is sometimes used as an analogy for this process is that of a fire [heat] burning beneath a bowl [our body] that is holding water [our yin coolant]. The fire heats the water and creates steam, which represents what the Chinese call ch’i, our vital energy or essential life force. The ch’i is the sustaining energy we need to live. When things are in balance, the fire creates a natural warming effect. But if the fire becomes too hot, the water begins to boil. If this goes on too long, the heat literally consumes the water and dissipates the energy we need to bank our inner fire. Once the water is boiled away, we can literally collapse because we are not able to produce any more energy, or ch’i.

“When this happens, the results can be dramatic,” says Brendan. “One month you feel that you have a lot of energy and the next month you fall off the cliff—you’re in bed and you can’t move.”

Are you running on full tank or are you running on the illusion of a full tank? Do you let your tank become empty before you fill it up again and therefore run the risk of stalling out? Do you let your light go out because you don’t have enough oil in your inner lamp? In short, where do you put yourself on the list of priorities in your life? Too often we relegate our needs to the bottom of the list, if we’re on the list at all. We take care of our duties and obligations to others first and use the energy that’s left over for ourselves. But, truthfully, how often is there any energy left over?

During the natural ebb and flow of our week, we all need relief

What if we reversed that order? What if we made sure our lamp had enough oil in it first before lighting the way for others? Wouldn’t that help us keep our lamp burning strong so we could give more light to others? To do that, we must learn to recognize our inner needs and then draw healthy boundaries so we have the time and energy to fill those needs. To renew ourselves so that we can continue to give, and give well, we must embrace the paradox that saying no will enable us to say yes.

If the idea of saying no makes you cringe, know that this principle comes straight out of spiritual tradition. The greatest teachers knew how to say no. Like all of us, they needed time alone to recharge and renew. Even an indefatigable missionary of mercy like Mother Teresa taught that renewal is a prerequisite for strength. She said that renewal is what gives us the energy to continue serving others. She observed that “the contemplatives and ascetics of all ages and religions have sought God in the silence and solitude of the desert, forest, and mountain” and said that we, too, are called to withdraw at certain intervals. It is when we are alone with God in silence, she said, that “we accumulate the inward power which we distribute in action.”

She was following the advice of her own teacher. Jesus did the same after he fed the multitudes the loaves and fishes. He told his disciples to go into the boat ahead of him, and “when he had sent the multitudes away, he went up into a mountain apart to pray: and when the evening was come, he was there alone.” With a somewhat lighter touch on the same topic, John Barrymore once joked that “God said it is not good for man to be alone, but sometimes it is a great relief!”

During the natural ebb and flow of our week, we all need relief. That’s when drawing boundaries [saying no politely, of course] is appropriate. When your energy is ebbing, it’s time to shift gears from an active orientation of giving energy to a receptive one of receiving. It’s time to plug back in to your energy source and do what most reenergizes you—whether it’s walking in nature, listening to a favorite piece of music, playing a game, or simply closing your eyes, doing nothing, and taking a long, deep breath.

Getting to know you

Instead of pushing yourself beyond your limits and pumping yourself up with more stimulants so that you can fulfil more commitments to others, honouring yourself calls for a different habit. It asks you to become conscious of what you need, right now, inside and out. In order for you to do what you must to regain balance, and to remember to do it tomorrow and the next day and the next, you first have to know yourself.

“I know myself”—it’s one of the most profound statements we can ever make. Self-knowledge, after all, is the ultimate goal extolled by mystics and masters the world around. Inscribed in the forecourt of Apollo’s temple at Delphi was the famous command “Know thyself.” The Book of Thomas the Contender says, “He who has not known himself has known nothing,” and the Zohar, from the Jewish mystical tradition of the Kabbalah, encourages, “Go to your self, know your self, fulfill your self.”

One of the reasons you may not take specific actions to fill your own needs is simply that you don’t really know yourself at the most basic level. You don’t know how you really feel and what you really need. While “knowing yourself” is a lifelong goal that has deeper and deeper layers of meaning, you can take tiny steps toward that goal every day. Here’s a simple question that can help you refocus on what you need to do to come back into balance: What do I need right now to be happy?

When I’ve asked myself that question, I often answer that to do my most creative work, I need quiet and I need regular doses of fresh air out in nature. Yet awareness alone is not enough. If I don’t care enough to honor myself, to put those needs on my priority list, I won’t remember to turn to those antidotes when I begin to feel cranky and anxious. When things start spinning out of control, unless I make a point of asking myself that question again and again, I forget to fill my lungs with fresh air. I forget to take control and create the quiet I need by turning off the phones, refusing to look at my e-mail, or physically moving myself to a quiet spot to work.

A friend who works out of her home reminded me of how empowering it can be to know yourself and then act on that knowing. One day I asked her when was the best time for us to meet. She immediately replied in a straightforward way, “It’s better for me to meet in the late afternoon. If I go out in the morning, I am tempted to start doing errands. I stop here and there on my way back to my office, and I just don’t get the work done that I need to do.” She knew that much about herself and therefore she could set up a schedule that was best for her. Like many of the methods for honoring yourself, this doesn’t sound difficult, but it takes practice. The change starts with watching yourself, getting to know yourself, and then translating that knowledge into action that honors your needs.

The post Living in balance: As within so without appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

According to Dr Brown, people who live wholeheartedly love themselves, which means treating themselves with kindness, respect, affection, and trust. A key component of that self-lovingness is accepting themselves as they are, and believing they are worthy of love just because. There isn’t a reason these folks have for deserving love from others and from themselves; there doesn’t need to be. That’s the point, actually. When we really love ourselves, we don’t set preconditions, and we don’t wait. We don’t love ourselves if. We love ourselves anyway. Warts and all, we are worthy. This statement includes you!

I love you more than I even love myself

Loving ourselves is important, because Dr Brown’s research led her to conclude that we cannot love our partner, or our kids, or our friends more than we love ourselves. No wonder so many people are hurting those they love. When we don’t love ourselves, we act in ways that may seem to be hurting just us—but there’s no such thing as a victimless crime once we’re in relationships. When we don’t love ourselves enough to work on our problems or celebrate our strengths, those around us suffer too. And if you feel so bad about yourself that you can’t enjoy your own goodness, your partner can’t enjoy you nearly as much either.

Also, research indicates that you can’t take in another person’s love very well when you believe you don’t deserve it.

When Matthew was little, his dad beat his mom in front of him. And Karen’s mother committed suicide, leaving her at the mercy of a truly wicked stepmother. We now know that childhood trauma like that changes the brain’s structure. It changes emotions and behavior. Matt and Karen are both good people who don’t feel very good about themselves. They do good things in the world, but when others try to love them, they feel undeserving. It’s hard for them to believe they’re worthwhile. So when others treat them as worthy, they usually push them away and retreat to the safety of many friends—but no one person to depend on too much.

How to recognise whether you love yourself or not

Through interviews and subsequent analyses, Dr Brown found that another hallmark of being self-loving is acceptance of others—combined with boundaries. The self-loving understand that most of us, most of the time, are doing the very best we can. This understanding lets them feel compassion for others, rather than anger and hate.

But that doesn’t mean everyone’s behavior is up to their standards for choosing them as a partner. If you want to find and keep love, you have to be choosy, and the other person’s character has to count. Self-loving people don’t hate those who fail to meet basic standards of decency—but they also don’t allow others to treat them any old way. They aren’t doormats. They build fences, and nobody gets through the gate without behaviours amounting to the password. The self-loving are kind but firm, holding would-be partners accountable for their actions. Their motto could be “boundaries without blame.” For example, a natural consequence of someone who stands you up could be that you don’t go out with them again. There’s no need to call them names, or hate them—in fact, those actions are against your chances to find and keep love.

The self-loving understand that most of us, most of the time, are doing the very best we can

What if you don’t love yourself very much right now?

Our lives are a house under constant construction. Building self-lovingness is a lifetime project. Fortunately, you don’t have to wait to find love until you are perfect at this, and your partner doesn’t have to be the paragon of self-love either.

Nobody loves themselves completely, so the first thing is to acknowledge that. You’re on the path, and this path has no end. It’s not a competition; embrace yourself right here where you are, right now in this and every moment.

But how?

In her research, Dr. Brown found that it helped people to love themselves more if they could tell their stories of shame to at least one other trustworthy person. Of course, for a lot of folks, the person they can trust is their lifemate—someone you’re trying to find. Maybe you have a close friend, though, or a therapist, who can listen to your story in a supportive, non-judgmental way. If so, that is a major step towards healing your heart.

I don’t know a trustworthy person to pour my heart out to

If you don’t have a friend or therapist standing in this gap for you, follow these science-backed steps towards change: notice, redirect, and repeat.

Notice

When you catch yourself thinking something shameful or unloving about yourself, notice.  Don’t trash-talk yourself—just notice that you are feeling, thinking, or doing something that isn’t self-loving. Gently noticing is the gateway to change. Sometimes, you might feel bad about yourself even though you’ve followed your moral code. People raised to feel chronic shame might relate to a nagging feeling that there’s just something “off” about them. For instance, say you’re feeling like you’re a bad person, even though you merely decided to stop dating someone who yelled at you. What you did was right for you; but you feel wrong. Other times, you really will do something inappropriate. Everyone makes mistakes. Maybe you said you’d call someone—and then you never did. That’s hurtful, and human.

The difference between shame and guilt is that shame feels like something is wrong with us; guilt feels like something is wrong with what we did. Research shows that guilt can be good.  It motivates us to apologise, or change our behaviour. Shame, though, freezes us; if we think we are bad, how can we change? Shame is the opposite of self-loving. It keeps us stuck.

So a mindset to move towards is acknowledging when we feel bad even though we’ve done nothing wrong: “I’ve got that sick feeling in my stomach, although I haven’t done a thing to deserve it.”  Or, acknowledge our feelings around our failures: “I’m feeling like crap, because I told Becky I would call her and then I chickened out.” Notice whether it’s a guilt feeling or a shame feeling—a feeling that what you did was wrong, or that you are wrong. Just notice.

Redirect

Then, redirect your thoughts to something that’s aligned with reality.”I’m sticking by my boundaries. There is every reason to stop seeing people who yell at me, and it’s my right to date people who make me feel like my best self. I’m feeling shame, but that’s because I was taught to feel wrong for having boundaries. I’m doing the loving thing for me now.” Or, “What I did was rude; it might be too late to apologise to Becky, but at least I can resolve to send a note to her, and call other people when I make promises in the future.”

Repeat

Repeat the notice-redirect chain every time you catch yourself. Over time, you’ll love yourself more!

Ultimately, we are the landlords of our lives. When we love ourselves, we have standards, and we don’t key in squatters who can’t or won’t meet them. It’s not mean. It’s what works. And what works starts with taking that first step towards loving ourselves.

The post A guide to loving yourself (and attracting a great relationship) appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Ashana had recently been diagnosed with a cyst on her left ovary. Her physicians told her that it could degenerate into PCOD (Polycystic Ovarian Disease) if she didn’t manage her overstressed lifestyle. This was a clear wake-up call. She could no longer live a roller-coaster existence, erupting violently when things got rough and popping pills to push her body to perform. It was time to take responsibility for how she was living. If she didn’t, she would inevitably become a prisoner of medication.

But there was another way.

The morning after her pain receded

When she called me the next morning, she sounded much better. I explained to her that since her body had created this condition, it knew how to remedy it too. “Doctors may not be able to reverse it, though they can control the damage you have already caused yourself. Healers cannot make the disease vanish; they can only hold the sacred space in which you choose to heal. But the greatest power to heal your body lies with you. Taking responsibility for your own healing and being motivated enough to mend what isn’t working in your life is the first step towards a medication-free life,” I explained. For the first time since I had known her, I felt she was really listening.

Many startling revelations underlying her condition surfaced during her remote therapy. There were many trapped emotions that she had obstinately denied and brushed under the carpet. These included feelings of abandonment, body shaming, worthlessness, rejection and being unloved. Whenever fear based emotions were suppressed, they invariably made themselves known through pain, afflicting parts of the body that gave insightful clues about the deeper issues involved.

The greatest power to heal your body lies with you

The emotions that caused her PCOD

Ashana had often felt like she was the odd one out in her family. She was clingy and possessive in her intimate relationships and didn’t have enduring friendships. Her negative self-talk was extremely harsh towards herself, and blaming and antagonistic towards others. She viewed the world as a ruthless place where people didn’t blink before hurting you. Hers was a fiercely competitive and unkind world, but she didn’t know that her own mind had created this worldview. Beneath her aggressive and angry exterior lay a vulnerable child who was terrified of being hurt, miserable about not having a close friend to share her intimate feelings with, and unsure if she was good enough to be noticed and loved.

If you examine the anatomy of a cyst, it involves the formation of a closed sac like structure with a distinct membrane that separates it from the nearby tissues. Ashana had unconsciously separated herself from others by believing she was a social misfit and the outsider in her family. Her ovarian cyst was simply reflecting this, urging her to address the issues around body shaming, loneliness and abandonment. In order to do this, she needed to become familiar with her emotional landscape, recognising and acknowledging her emotions when they surfaced, and releasing them whenever they were triggered. This would clear her trapped emotions, preventing them from becoming sticky. Processing her emotions was the second step in healing her body. She would have to choose conscious self-care over consuming chemicals to alter her biochemistry.

Interestingly, several associated limiting beliefs also emerged during her therapy. These included; I mark my own territory [self created rigid boundaries], I will not share what’s mine with others [non-collaborative attitude], I hate my body and how I look [self loathing], no one will ever love me [self judgement]. These beliefs manifested an unhappy life experiences and reinforced her beliefs about ‘a terrible world’. The human mind is primarily an energy programme created and encrypted by our own thoughts, beliefs, emotions and attitudes, which is why we must be ever mindful about what we are creating.

Ashana had unconsciously separated herself from others by believing she was a social misfit and the outsider in her family

This then is the third key to unlocking the body’s natural ability to heal. By bringing to light and examining our unconscious personal, familial, cultural and gender specific beliefs, we can overwrite them, choosing wholesome, collaborative and healthy mental programmes instead. Ashana carried two specific anti-feminine beliefs that were directly connected to the type of disease she was creating. The first was a deep gender denial, wishing she had been born a boy instead. The second was the fear of giving birth to children and hence not wanting them. It wasn’t surprising that her symbolic feminine menstrual flow had started to recede and the doctor’s prognosis pointed to PCOD, which interferes with conception. Her body was simply fulfilling her unconscious wish.

As humans we are all brought up with the belief that we must avoid pain. This is what causes us to deny, avoid and eventually suppress our painful feelings. In situations where we can’t avoid them, we choose instead to soothe them with addictive behaviours and substances. We smoke, drink, shop compulsively and bury our loneliness in technology, hoping to escape our suffering. But these addictions are merely signs that we are running away from our fearful, uncomfortable feelings. Popping pills temporarily blunts the edge of our pain, but it doesn’t cure us. The fourth step in cultivating a medication free life is to build a responsible relationship with pain. Simply feel it, learn from it, pray to dissolve it, and release it.

How to make sure the positive changes last

But none of the above four steps are possible unless you are willing to follow the fifth most important step, which is to live in awareness. Healing your body is primarily about how you respond to life. This involves being mindful of the three key relationships; with yourself, with others and with the world at large. If you can be more loving in your thoughts, feelings and reactions while engaging with these three, choosing to be compassionate and feeling empathic and motivated to help yourself and others, you will, in time, alter your biochemistry, rewire your brain and eventually heal your body.

The post 5 steps to a medication-free life appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Ashish prepares himself to walk into the office party. “No matter how successful I am, I never feel like I belong,” he thinks.

When someone asks Miloni what she prefers, she usually stammers uncomfortably, “Whatever you want is fine with me.”

Ketan looks around at other people walking down the street laughing and talking. “What do they have that I don’t have?” he wonders.

Rahul, Ashish, Miloni and Ketan may appear to be quite different. But actually they have more in common than they could ever know. They are all living with the same invisible force inside, a powerful, eroding experience from childhood of which they are unaware: Childhood Emotional Neglect.

Childhood Emotional Neglect [CEN]:

A parent’s failure to respond enough to the child’s emotional needs.

So CEN is not something that a parent does for a child. Instead, it’s the opposite. CEN is what the parent fails to do for the child. For example, the CEN parent fails to ask or say enough:

Are you OK?
Are you hurt?
You look sad.
What do you want?
What do you need?
What do you feel?
What do you prefer?
Why do you say that?

Here’s what to do when you’re angry.

Since CEN is not an act but a failure to act, it goes unseen, unnoticed and unremembered while it does its silent damage to people’s lives.

Of course, no child’s emotions are responded to 100 per cent correctly by his parents. They can’t be. But CEN only happens when the child’s emotions are ignored, unnoticed, or discouraged enough. When this happens, the child receives this subtle, unspoken message: Your feelings don’t matter.

When a child gets this message from her parents, two things happen: a] she pushes her emotions down and away so that they will not bother her parents; b] since her emotions are the most deeply personal, biological part of who she is, she hears her parents’ message as: You don’t matter.

Since CEN is not an act but a failure to act, it goes unseen, unnoticed and unremembered while it does its silent damage to people’s lives

Pushing feelings away is adaptive, and may be quite helpful to get through childhood. But as adults, we need our emotions. Our emotions anchor, motivate, inform, direct and connect us. Without access to this rich, grounding source of connection, we can go through decades of adulthood sensing that we are missing some vital ingredient that others have.

So the world is full of people who march through their lives with smiles on their faces, secretly confused and baffled with no explanation, hoping no one sees what they feel deep down: Something is wrong with me.

How to know if you have CEN

Since CEN is invisible and unmemorable, how can you know if you have it? The truth is it’s not simple or clear-cut. But here are five questions you can ask yourself:

• Do you struggle to feel as intensely what others seem to naturally feel, like love, happiness, warmth or sadness?
• Do you sometimes feel inexplicably alone, no matter how many people surround you or love you?
• Have you tried various efforts to address your lack of happiness, to little avail? Therapy, self-help books or even medication may help, but don’t seem to address what’s really wrong?
• Do you put others’ needs and wishes before your own? Do you struggle to know what you like, want, need and feel?
• Are you feeling something as you read these words? Does it strike a chord somewhere inside of you?

If you answered yes to any of the above, it’s a sign that you have CEN.

Steps to healing

The best thing about CEN is that you can heal from it. Every day, all around the world, people are discovering this concept and starting down a new road toward happiness and health.

What would help Rita experience more fully the good things in her life? What would help Ashish feel more like he belongs? How can Miloni find her voice? How could Ketan get what other people have? They [and you] can follow the same steps:

1. Break down your wall

   As a child, you walled off your emotions to survive. Now, you must break that wall down, brick by brick. This will take effort and persistence, but you can do it. Start paying attention to what you are feeling. Focus your attention inward at least once per day, and ask yourself, “What am I feeling?” Write down any emotions that you can identify.

2. Get to know yourself

   Children learn who they are by seeing themselves reflected in their parents’ eyes. If your parents didn’t truly get to know you, you may now, as an adult, not know yourself very well. Start paying attention to who you are: your strengths and weaknesses, preferences, likes and dislikes. What’s funny to you? What do you want? Make a list of words or phrases that describe you, and keep adding to it every day.

3. Prioritise your needs

   When you received the message that your feelings didn’t matter, your child brain understood it as you don’t matter. So now, it is vital that you learn to put yourself first. After all, you cannot do much for others if you are depleted. Work on asking others for help, expressing your wishes and preferences. Make it a goal to have an answer when someone asks you what you want, and to voice it.

4. Improve your self-care

   People with CEN are excellent at taking care of others, but not so good at taking care of themselves. Start making sure that you get enough sleep, eat well and exercise. Hold yourself accountable. This will become easier as you work on steps one to three; you will start to realise that you deserve to be taken care of.

5. Stop blaming yourself

   All these years, you have wondered what was wrong. Perhaps you’ve blamed your emptiness, your disconnection, or your lack of self-care on yourself. Perhaps you have felt flawed somehow. Now you know that you didn’t cause this, that it’s not your fault and that there are answers. So show yourself the compassion that you have for others. And recognise that you can heal.

The world is full of people who question and suffer, who are secretly baffled by what is wrong in their lives. Little do they know that there is an answer. And that it is clear, it is real, and it lies within them. So chip away your wall, and watch it crumble. Discover who you are, what you want and what you need. Ask for help, and put your needs first. Take care, and have compassion for what you did not get.

But most importantly, remind yourself each and every day: My feelings matter. And I matter.

The post Is childhood neglect keeping you from living joyfully as an adult? appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

One reason why these decision points become a tricky tightrope walk for so many of us is because we tend to feel guilty when we’re not giving to others or meeting their demands. We’ve been told that “it’s better to give than to receive”. But we forget that to keep on giving our best to others, we must also give to ourselves—and see ourselves as worthy of receiving.

Admittedly, when we ignore our own needs, it’s not a pretty picture. Not only do we become grouchy and unhappy but the people around us become miserable too. Instead of nagging, complaining, and blaming others when you feel off-kilter, try these 10 strategies for honoring yourself so you can free up your energy and focus on what’s really important.

10 Powerful Ways to Honor Yourself and Make Yourself a Priority

1. Be honest

You cannot honor yourself unless you are first honest with yourself. Quite often, we do not take the time to care for ourselves because we don’t even realize we are hurting ourselves.

The busyness of the day can drown out our inner voice. Check in with yourself regularly, even if it’s once a day, and ask yourself: What am I feeling now? What are those feelings trying to tell me? If they could talk, what would they say? If you have a hard time identifying your true feelings and needs, buy a journal, take some quiet time, and start writing down the answers to those questions. Writing can be an effective way to bring hidden feelings to the surface.

2. Plug back in

During the natural ebb and flow of our days, we all need relief. When your energy is dipping, it’s time to shift gears from an active to a receptive mode. If you don’t take time to satisfy your own needs, you’ll find that you actually sabotage yourself because you can’t concentrate on the task at hand. The trick is to recognize when you need to recharge before you become physically or emotionally wiped out. Then make time to plug back into your energy source and do what re-energizes you—whether you take a walk in nature, meditate, listen to a favorite piece of music, get a massage, go away for the weekend, play a game, or simply close your eyes, do nothing, and take a few long, deep breaths.

3. Draw healthy boundaries

Learning to draw boundaries is a skill. If you are not used to doing that, it can feel uncomfortable at first. Start by practising on small issues. Turn off your phone when you need to concentrate, rather than being at everyone’s beck and call, ask a family member to make dinner, or tell friends you’re not available when you want to spend an evening alone. As you learn to set boundaries in situations like these, you will find it easier to deal with larger issues that surface.

Related » To prevent burnout, set clear boundaries

4. Ask for support but make your own decisions

When you’re unclear about how to deal with a situation, don’t be shy about asking for support. Seeking help shows that you deeply care about yourself and for those who will be impacted by your choices and that you are willing to do what it takes to make the best decision. Reach out to someone who is not emotionally invested in the issue you are dealing with or who has expertise in that field. Once you get advice and a healthy dose of perspective from someone you respect, turn within and be sure to honor yourself by making your own final decision.

5. Write a love letter to yourself

Have a problem with self-esteem? Don’t worry; many of us do. We hold ourselves to impossible standards and then criticize ourselves when we don’t meet them. Yet the world’s sages, not to mention the top management gurus, tell us that life is a continual learning process. Try this tip to cheer yourself when the going gets rough: Write a loving and encouraging note to yourself as if you were your own coach or cheerleader. Then pop it in an envelope and mail it to yourself [that’s right—by snail mail]. When you’re traveling, send a postcard with an inspiring message to your home address. Right before shutting down your email for the night, send yourself a message of appreciation so that you’ll see it first thing in the morning when you check your inbox. Develop the habit of voting for yourself no matter what is happening around you. These little things you do are powerful ways to honor yourself.

Related » The most difficult love letter I ever wrote

6. Hang out with people who celebrate you

If you are in a relationship with someone who constantly judges and belittles you, you have a duty to remove yourself from that toxic energy by saying goodbye for good. Allowing yourself to be pressured or pummeled by those who don’t appreciate your inner gifts will only eat away at your energy and enthusiasm, stunt your creativity, and make you feel depressed or even sick. It’s not your job to fit into someone else’s mold of who they think you should be. Your job is to be you.

Related » Feeling stuck in life? Check the company you keep

7. Speak up

Most people aren’t mind readers. Clearly communicate your needs by letting others know what you need. When you disagree with a friend about what to do on a holiday, don’t be the one who always gives in and then wastes time stewing about it for days. Make sure both of your needs are met. If the food you order at a restaurant is cold or overcooked, flag down the waiter and respectfully point out the problem rather than complaining about it later. When someone at work spreads dangerous rumors or lies that jeopardize your job, don’t retreat and complain to friends behind closed doors or torture yourself with worry. Take action. Don’t blame or shame others by calling them names or criticizing them, but calmly focus on the words they said. There may be a real misunderstanding that you now have the opportunity to clear up. Address any misconceptions with facts to support your case. Even if others don’t accept the truth, you have stood up for yourself and can feel free to move on.

8. Create spaces in your relationships

Being in a relationship doesn’t mean you need to give up being yourself. No two people have all the same interests, and it’s not healthy to expect that to be the case. In fact, you may get irritated with those you love simply because you need some regular time apart, some breathing space. Do you encourage yourself and your partner to pursue your own individual interests? Take some dedicated time for your own self-development, hobbies, or spiritual growth and allow your partner to do the same. This way you will honor yourself and your partner. What’s great about this that you’ll end up having more to offer each other as a result.

9. Put yourself at the top of your to-do list

Don’t wait until you’ve checked off all the items on your daily to-do list before giving yourself what you need—physically, emotionally and spiritually. Be sure to schedule dedicated time on your calendar for yourself so that you aren’t the item that gets constantly bumped off the list for yet another day. Recharging your batteries is not optional. It’s a bona fide part of your schedule. It’s exactly what you need to stay healthy and in balance so you can give your best to your loved ones and the world.

10. Share your life wisdom

Each one of us has a particular wisdom we have garnered through our life experiences. Be sure to draw from your well of wisdom to help others. Don’t know where to start? Think about a challenging experience that taught you something valuable, or an insight from a book, or a talk that sparked an “aha!” moment for you. At the right time, share that insight with someone you think would benefit from the lessons you’ve learned, whether it’s a colleague, a stranger you’ve struck up a conversation with, or a member of a community group you belong to. You honor yourself when you value the gifts and lessons you have been given and then offer that precious wisdom from your heart to uplift the hearts of others.

Start to Honor Yourself Today

Starting today, you can honor yourself by taking small but meaningful steps. Begin with one or two of these actions:

1. Pause and check in – Take a few minutes to sit quietly and ask yourself how you’re really feeling. Acknowledge your needs without judgment.
2. Set a boundary – Choose one area where you feel overextended and practice saying “no” or delegating a task to someone else.
3. Schedule self-care – Block out 15-30 minutes on your calendar today to do something that recharges you, like taking a walk, meditating, or reading a book.
4. Affirm yourself – Write a quick note of encouragement or appreciation to yourself. Remind yourself that you’re worthy of receiving care and attention too.

By taking these small steps, you’ll start building a habit of honoring yourself, making self-care a natural part of your life.

Summing up

Honoring yourself is not a luxury; it’s a necessity for living a balanced and fulfilling life. When you honor yourself, you make yourself a priority; you give yourself the space to grow, recharge, and thrive. By setting healthy boundaries, being honest about your needs, and surrounding yourself with supportive people, you’re not just nurturing your own well-being—you’re also equipping yourself to show up fully for others. Ultimately, when you begin to honor yourself, you also begin to live with more purpose, energy, and joy. Remember, self-care isn’t selfish—it’s the foundation for everything else.

The post 10 Powerful Ways to Honor Yourself appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Unconditional self-love is not just a concept, it is a reality. The truth is, to love unconditionally, you need to dive deep into the ‘self’ and do the inner work of unconditional acceptance. To heal the past, allow and accept it the way it is, free from all judgment and expectation.

Loving unconditionally

In reality, unconditional love makes life effortless. It can release stress in a millisecond. When you give up the story of expectation, blame, fear and control, it can be experienced in every moment, no matter what is transpiring on the outside.

My journey to unconditional love started with the question—how do I love all of me?

It was only when I hit rock-bottom that I was ready to go within. Soon, I learnt over 200 methods of alternate therapy and wellness and now, I teach others how to be free from the past and live in the moment. The secret to health, happiness and peace is unconditional self-love.

4 Ways to Master the Art of Self-love

Below are some of the keys to mastering the art of loving yourself unconditionally:

1. Love and accept even in the face of stress

One of my greatest teachers of unconditional love has been my mother. I recall an incident when I was 13 years old and hormonal. My mother walked into my bedroom to just say hello to me, an innocent hello. Yet my response was in the language of rage and anger, “I hate you mom. Leave me alone. Go away!”

My mother looked at me with so much love, it extinguished all else. She did not utter a word, she left the room leaving me consumed in her love. She is an example of unconditional love. Even at the face of her daughter towering her rage at her, she still exuded love. Mom knew in her heart of hearts that her daughter was going through some pain on the inside and it was being projected outwardly. For many years, I felt guilty and sad of having spoken to my mom in a language that took control of me in the spur of a moment. I did not have the courage to go up to her and say sorry. And yet, when I learnt to love and accept myself fully, I had the humility to be seek her forgiveness and, most importantly, forgive myself.

Love tip 1 »

To love and accept at the face of stress, breathe in and out and say to yourself, “Even though I am stressed out, I still choose to love and accept myself fully. I am love. I am love. I am love.” Breathe in and out again.

2. Love yourself just the way you are

My body has been one of my teachers of unconditional love. After the age of 13, I started to increase in size and began to gather puppy fat, which grew into an excess of 30kg over the years. I became tired, lethargic, angry, sad and alone. I was at war with my body and whenever I looked in the mirror, I used to abuse myself internally and say really nasty things to myself about my body—you are ugly, I hate you, I do not like you, you are so fat, nobody loves you. Meanwhile, I was eating healthy and had a regular exercise routine, and yet not even 0.01kg of my weight shifted. How could it, when I was holding onto all the weight? Only when I truly accepted myself for just being the way I was that my weight finally began to leave my body.

Love tip 2 »

To love yourself, look at yourself in the mirror and say out loud, while tapping slightly below your collar bone, “Even though I have judged you and verbally abused you, I am so sorry, please forgive me. I deeply and profoundly love and accept you, just the way you are.”

3. Stay strong in self-love, even when triggered from the outside

Our greatest teachers of unconditional love are the ones closest to us—our loved ones, significant other, children, parents, family, bosses and work colleagues—those we interact with on a day-to-day basis and those who know exactly which buttons to press and how to trigger us. Unconditional love is about developing inner confidence and staying strong within, no matter what is transpiring on the outside. We ought to realise that the other person is just operating from their frame or model of the world and it is not personal.

Love tip 3 »

When triggered, breathe and stand on the ground and say out loud, “I release you now. I release this trigger. I am safe. I am strong. I choose to be confident in myself. I am love.”

4. First self, then others

Heart-break, separation/divorce, job loss or grief can be great springboards to open to self love. Hurt hurts, loss creates loss and separation is like being ripped from the illusion of ‘safety’ to the truth of who I really am.

A patient of mine came to see me about an issue in her personal life where she had met someone whom she considered to be her soul mate and had the most exhilarating 10 days of her life with. She was sucked into a fairy tale romance and had a single-minded focus on her beloved. Then, suddenly, it broke and she broke inwardly with it. Every single day, she would come home from work and lock herself in her bedroom and cry uncontrollably. She could not get him out of her mind and she became stuck in a vortex of grief, loss, separation, anxiety, anger and despair.

Even when confronted with all that pain and trauma, she still found it in her heart to do the inner work. To go within and to empty out all the pain and to accept it… and him. Eventually, through the process work, she had a spontaneous opening into unconditional love and the veil of physical and romantic love stripped away. The past addiction to being needed and cared for disappeared and all that remained was unconditional self love and acceptance.

Love tip 4 »

For self-love, get present to this moment and just breathe. Just this moment. Breathe in and out and notice who you really are.

Loving yourself unconditionally involves separating yourself from the illusion and coming home to ‘Self’, free from judgment and expectation in total and complete allowance and acceptance of what is.

The post 4 Simple Ways to Cultivate Unconditional Self-love appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Those who swear by the benefits of being self-critical often don’t realise the long-term negative effects of it. On the other hand, there are many who grow and even thrive on having a critical eye that’s focussed inward—but in a self-compassionate rather than self-critical way. The difference between these two kinds of people is in how they approach themselves and their performance.

How do you assess yourself?

For some people, introspection is a kind of self-autopsy in which they cut open their psyches and look for abnormalities. They inevitably find their flaws or weaknesses because everyone has them. Then they study these human failings under a microscope—and work tirelessly to get rid of them. Of course, this is a process that has no end and can be very demoralising.

Other people approach introspection in a gentler manner. They are curious and accepting as they consider their inner world and how it affects their performance in the outer world. As they endeavour to discern their inner selves more, they are empathetic rather than critical toward their own distress and failings. This compassion naturally motivates them to find their way out of their emotional pain or discomfort while also spurring them on to achieve their goals and to find happiness.

Why self-compassion is better than self-criticism?

Those high in self-compassion ultimately do better than those who are self-critical. Although the search-and-destroy missions of self-critical people are an expedient way to address problems and advance toward goals, they can also be extremely stressful and demoralising. Self-critical people are, in essence, attacking themselves. And when they feel the pain of their self-victimisation, they often respond by further criticising themselves for being weak.

The picture is much more positive for self-compassionate people. They comfort, support and encourage themselves as they acknowledge their imperfections and failures. They are particularly adept at accepting negative feedback and responding in a constructive way by inwardly maintaining a positive sense of themselves while also making corrective changes in their performance.

Which type are you?

Most people fall in the category midway between self-compassion and self-attack. They are sometimes angry and unforgiving about their actions. At other times, they consider their pain with tenderness. But the more they can look perceptively into themselves with a compassionate eye, what I call compassionate self-awareness [I have explained the concept in a 3-minute video embedded below], the stronger they feel about facing their tribulations and the more resilient they are toward self-improvement.

Learn how to look inward with care

Another way to practise self-compassion is to bring your attention and critical thinking to how you respond to particular circumstances. It can help to be conscious of your thoughts, feelings, and reactions. Consider the following example of someone working through a situation:

Situation: After beating me in tennis, Lisa kept talking about how she’s better than me, just as she always does.

Self-critical thoughts: She’s right, I’m a loser. I’m no good at tennis or anything else for that matter.

Emotions: Angry with self, angry with Lisa, sad, dejected, frustrated.

Source of thoughts/feelings: I’m really upset about this incident, but I also know that I have a history of feeling like a loser. When I was a kid, I had an undiagnosed learning disability that made attending school really hard. No matter how hard I tried, I never seemed to do well. So I ended up feeling like a failure all the time. The voice I hear in my head now is the same voice I heard as a child.

After identifying all of these parts of your experience, choose to respond to yourself with compassion. This will probably be difficult for you. In this example, you might say, “Okay, I know now why I think I’m a loser, but I should just get over it.”

If this is where you get stuck, I suggest that you consider the following three-step approach to responding gently to your self-criticisms. These steps are:

1. Understanding your thoughts
2. Validating your emotions
3. Providing a sympathetic alternative thought to the emotions you are experiencing.

In the above example of losing the tennis match, this could turn out at follows:

1 Understand your thinking

“Given my childhood experiences, I can understand why I think of myself as a failure. These thoughts and feelings happened so frequently that they become ingrained in me, so it makes sense that I still think this way.”

2 Validate your emotions

“Given my childhood experiences, of course I felt angry with myself, sad and despairing as a child. And, I understand why those same feelings would get triggered when I’m in similar situations now.”

3 Compassionate alternative

“The truth is that I wasn’t a failure as a child—I struggled because of my learning disability. Once I got the help I needed, I did better in school and at a lot of other things, too. Just as I wasn’t a loser back then even though I felt that way, I’m also not a loser now—even when I feel that way.

“As for this situation with Lisa, I need to remember that she was on a team when she was younger and she’s never stopped playing. And I only started playing about a year ago. So, of course she’s better than me at this. But, again, that doesn’t make me a loser. Even if I never get really good at tennis, I have other strengths. I’m really creative, and I know I’m a loyal friend—which is more important to me, anyway.”

After disseminating your thoughts, if you still struggle with finding a considerate response, think about how you would advise a friend. For instance, you could spend some time thinking about people you know who are struggling in some way and allowing yourself to be open to their pain, while wishing them well in your heart. Then you can simply bring your awareness to your own pain or difficulties and practise responding to yourself in the same compassionate manner.

Learning to assess yourself in this compassionate way can be very difficult. So, be patient. Give yourself a chance to work through this process as many times as you need to. It can help to remember the many years that you’ve been self-critical—it’s a well learned way of relating to yourself that will take time and practice to unlearn. But as your self-compassion increases, you will find that you feel better about yourself even as you continue to improve and grow in different areas of your life.

Watch this video on compassionate self-awareness by Dr. Leslie Becker-Phelps

The post Stop attacking yourself with self-criticism appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Here in Ontario, Canada, where I live, summer days are often hot and sunny. Playful, easy-going, joyful, friendly, full of energy and passion are ways to describe summer. It’s the time when the growth of plants are in full swing, inviting the birds and the bees to enjoy the sweet nectar of their fragrant, colourful flowers. The animals are out sunbathing, hunting for food and making sure that their young ones learn the ropes of living a successful life. Summers are productive and humming with activity.

Winter days, on the other hand, are often crisp and cold here. The feelings could be described as more introverted and withdrawn. The trees are bare and the landscape is sleeping, covered with a blanket of brilliant white snow. The plants and animals are in hibernation. It’s important to slow down in this season so that energy reserves don’t run out when food is less abundant. Winter provides a good opportunity for seeds to get the time and rest they need to germinate when winter is over and the spring rains fall.

Emotional expression sustains life

The expression of summer, winter, and all of the seasons in between are an important way in which the environment sustains itself. Without the energy of the summer, there would not be enough food produced to last throughout the winter. And without the rest in the winter, burn-out would occur and we’d soon be too tired to do anything at all.

There is neither beginning nor end, neither good nor bad—just a cycle of necessary emotions realised through the seasons that bring our environment into healthy balance and expression.

In this way, nature teaches us how to bring forth our emotions appropriately. Emotions occur unapologetically because it would be unhealthy to hide or hold back an expression of the season. When there is excess moisture in the air, it calls for rain. There’s no holding back. If it didn’t rain when it needed to, the landscape would suffer. The ground would not receive enough water to nourish the plants and rivers. Because nature knows what she needs to express and then expresses it, we benefit since we rely on her for our needs.

People are less willing to express emotion

And yet people suppress their emotions. Have you ever felt angry but held back its expression because you thought it was wrong? Have you ever felt like crying but stopped yourself because you didn’t want to be seen as weak? We do this all the time. We judge our emotions and then hide them. It’s not our fault though. We were brought up to believe that uncomfortable emotions such as anger and sadness are bad. But these labels don’t serve us well. After all, expressed appropriately, anger is an important way to draw boundaries; and sadness helps us to feel compassion and empathy.

Repressed emotion can build and show up inappropriately later as an over-the-top blow up or a mental or physical illness. The person becomes unbalanced because the necessary energy that is required to feed an authentic part of him or her is not being carried forth. Ultimately, their authentic self is not being expressed and their relationship with themselves and others suffer.

People are afraid that an ‘undesirable’ emotion makes them less loveable, so they force themselves to stop feeling it, to stop acknowledging that it’s there. But perhaps people would act differently if they remember that the essence of any landscape remains its same beautiful self no matter what emotion it’s expressing. Winter, summer, spring or autumn – each has its own unique beauty and purpose of giving the environment what’s necessary. Just like all seasons are useful, so are all emotions. There’s no need to be judgemental about what comes up. The emotion is just signalling what’s happening at the moment, what season it is. It’s all for the sake of re-balancing the system which is in constant flux.

Sometimes people suppress their emotion because it’s too painful. They might need to grieve the loss of a loved one but can’t bear to feel the sadness. Though I am not an expert at expressing this myself, it once helped me to understand that I was not the sadness itself. I could detach myself from it even though I was feeling it. Though I felt overwhelmed by it, I imagined that it was a wind that would keep knocking at my door until I opened it so the feeling could pass through and eventually die down.

Eventually it did.

How to let your emotions flow naturally

Spending time in nature is a safe way to let ourselves acknowledge and feel emotion without judgement. Maybe it’s because Mother Nature is so expressive herself, we can’t help but feel and be moved by her.

Journaling in the midst of nature is a good way to get your emotions flowing. Try writing in your journal non-stop for 10 minutes. Write down whatever comes up for you in that moment with no judgement. After 10 minutes of writing, take a walk in nature for another 10 minutes. Repeat this process three times, taking turns to write and walk for a total of one hour.

Mother Nature is sympathetic and gives us nurturance as we express our emotions. When we are feeling down, our spirits are uplifted when we see a lovely flower. This is nature telling us “It’s okay, you’re still loved”. Our feelings are validated in nature and we feel safe to be honest with ourselves.

Expressing emotion is natural and healthy. Especially if we express it with non-judgement and then let it go when it’s done. There’s no feeling shame or regret when a tree needs to drop its leaves. The falling leaves are an expression of needed release, and the earth beneath it graciously receives it. And from the nourished earth a beautiful flower is able to grow, expressing its authentic self and beauty in the world for all to see with no apologies.

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