I have immense respect for Alexander Pope’s contribution to literature and spiritual thought and have no doubt that when he wrote this piece of wisdom his intent was to promote love and forgiveness over hatred and resentment. Unfortunately, we tend to use the idea that forgiveness is divine as an excuse not to forgive. “I am not God! I am only human, so I can’t forgive,” say many bitter men and women. To these people I say, there’s nothing divine about forgiveness—it’s an out and out human act.

Why God never forgives

You see, forgiveness becomes necessary only when there is blame. And blame arises out of judgement, which, in turn comes from a belief in duality—good/bad, right/wrong, love/hate, blessing/curse, noble/wicked and so on.

So, while we humans are always censuring this deed and condemning that behavior, I cannot imagine the ‘creator’ doing the same. The creator, if there is one, would be free of judgements and hence incapable of blame.That is why I believe that God cannot forgive. For, where there is no blame, there is no question of forgiveness.

When we elevate forgiveness to the level of the divine, we push it away. We make it an epic phenomenon that is within the reach of only the most evolved men and women. Ironically, such enlightened beings have no need to forgive because they have, like God, ceased to blame.

Nelson Mandela’s story

Former US President Bill Clinton was intrigued by Nelson Mandela’s dignified exit from prison in 1990 after spending 27 years there. Many years later, when he met him, he asked him, “Come on, you were a great man, you invited your jailers to your inauguration, you put your pressures on the government. But tell me the truth. Weren’t you really angry all over again?” And Mandela replied, “Yes, I was angry. And I was a little afraid. After all I’ve not been free in so long. But,” he continued, “when I felt that anger well up inside of me I realised that if I hated them after I got outside that gate then they would still have me.” And he smiled and said, “I wanted to be free so I let it go.”

“It was an astonishing moment in my life. It changed me,” Clinton later wrote about this dialogue.

Mandela’s greatness stems from being able to acknowledge that he is human—he felt anger and fear too. His forgiveness is about freeing himself from the prison of hatred, anger, and bitterness—which purified his heart and took him close to the divine.

Also read » The Prime Beneficiary of Forgiveness Is the One Who Forgives

To forgive is human

Bestselling author and spiritual teacher Dr Wayne Dyer calls our need to forgive a “monumental misperception”. In his view, to which I subscribe wholeheartedly, forgiveness helps us transcend the negative effects of blame—an emotional prison that we escape.

Forgiveness is perhaps among the highest of human acts but it is still human. We always forgive for the sake of our own freedom. So to err is human and to forgive is also human. But to go beyond blame and forgiveness—that is divine.

A version of this article first appeared in the September 2012 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

Last updated on 2^nd August 2024

The post Here’s Why God Never Forgives appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

In this article I will take you through each of the four stages stage of forgiveness to help you start forgiving because, as you will see, it is so vital to your health, happiness and peace of mind.

The Four Stages of Forgiveness

1. Hurt

The first stage of forgiveness is hurt. Someone has wronged me, done something mean to me; someone has been unfair to me and I cannot forget it; I feel hurt. The hurt keeps on throbbing within me. It is here that we must remember that it is not I who feels hurt, but the ego.

A woman met a holy man and confessed that she had resentment in her heart against a prominent sister of the community. The holy man said to her, “Go to her immediately. Don’t try to justify or excuse yourself. Tell her that you have had an unkind thought about her. Be humble and ask for forgiveness.”

The woman said, “I can’t do that. I can’t forget the hurt she had inflicted on me.”

The woman was at the first stage – the stage of hurt. Those that are at this stage naturally hold grudges, not realizing that those who hold a grudge injure themselves more than the ones against whom the grudge is held.

Hatred and malice, like anger and worry, bring harm to the body, since they poison the blood. And they keep on increasing, for, “a grudge is the only thing that does not get better when it is nursed.”

2. Hate

Hurt leads to hate, which is the second stage. I cannot forget how much I have been hurt and so cannot send out thoughts of goodwill to my enemy. In some cases, I hate the person so much that I want him or her to suffer, as much as I am suffering.

Madam Chiang Kai-Shek hated the Japanese. Her mother was a pious woman who prayed often. Madam Chiang said to her, “Why don’t you pray to God that He may drown Japan in the waters of the ocean?”

Her mother, of course, said to her, “My child, how can I offer such an evil prayer?”

An artist once painted Hatred as an old man shriveled up, pale as death, clutching in his claws lighted torches and serpents, and cruelly tearing out his own heart with black, decayed teeth. Asked to explain the significance of the picture, the artist said, “Hatred is an old man because it is as ancient as mankind; pale because he who hates, torments himself and lives a tragic life; with claws because it is so unmerciful; with torches and serpents because it creates discord; and it tears out its heart because it is self-destructive.”

3. Healing

Hurt leads to hate. Then comes the third stage—healing. God’s grace descents on me and I begin to see the person who has hurt me in a new light. I begin to understand his or her difficulty. My memory is healed and I am free again.

A girl came to a holy man and said, “I know not why, but I am unable to sit in silence and pray or meditate. I feel restless. I used to be so happy.”

The holy man asked, “Why do you think is it so?”

The girl answered, “I think it has something to do with one whom, at one time, I regarded as a friend. But she was very cruel to me, and I said that I would never forgive her, never talk to her. I am sorry I said it, but since then there has been no peace in my heart. What shall I do?”

The holy man said, “It is better to break a bad vow than to keep it. Go to her and seek her forgiveness.”

The next morning, she went to her friend and confessed her uncharitable attitude and asked her forgiveness.

The one whose forgiveness was sought burst into tears. She said, “You have come to ask for forgiveness. It is I who should be asking for forgiveness, for I am ashamed of my wrong attitude.”

The two friends were reconciled.

4. Coming together

After healing comes the fourth stage of coming together. I am anxious to make friends with the person who hurt me; I invite him into my life. I share my love with him and we both move to a new and healed relationship.

Conclusion

Forgiveness isn’t reserved only for the saints and sages. It is not a feat of supernatural power. It is just about letting go of the hurtful past, once and for all. It is a way of moving on. Forgiveness asks you to see things differently, look at life from a new perspective. It is the realization that we cannot stay bitter and angry for the rest of our lives.

Forgiveness and love are really two sides of the same coin. And love, as you know, is the strongest force in the world.

The post Dada Vaswani Shares the Four Stages of Forgiveness appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

A woman suffered from severe rheumatic pains in the knee joint. No medicines were of any avail. The pain went on increasing, until a holy man she met asked her, “Do you hold a grudge against anyone?”

She hesitated, then answered, “My mind is seething with resentment against my own sister who did not behave properly towards me.” The holy man said to her, “Your pains will disappear only when you forgive her and make peace with her.”

At first, she found it difficult to do so. Later, she met her sister and giving her a hug said to her, “Let bygones be bygones! Let us begin anew!” To her amazement, she found that soon thereafter the pains disappeared. No wonder forgiveness is called the noblest virtue.

Can’t reconcile? You can still forgive

Even when reconciliation is not possible, forgiveness is in your hands. George Macdonald writes: “It may be infinitely worse to refuse to forgive than to murder, because the latter may be the impulse of a moment of heat, whereas the former is a cold and deliberate choice of the heart.”

Forgiveness need not be a struggle, if we realise that it is also a great gift and a blessing. It is a choice that we make: either to love or hate, to punish or pardon, to heal or hurt. We choose to tread the path of peace and reconciliation, rather than succumb to bitterness. To quote the words of Martin Luther King, Jr., “Forgiveness is not an occasional act. It is a permanent attitude.”

Forgiveness is above justice. Justice seeks to punish, forgiveness seeks reconciliation. As Shakespeare puts it so beautifully,

Though Justice be thy plea, consider this:
That in the course of justice none of us should see salvation.
We do pray for mercy
And that same prayer doth teach us all to render
The deeds of mercy

Not just for the spiritually evolved

Forgiveness is not for saints and sages. How often have we not come across people, who, when urged to forgive and forget, will retort with passion, “I am not a Mahatma, I am not a saint, I am only human!” So many of us believe that we cannot forgive; that it is too difficult, that it is the prerogative of saints and other evolved souls and not for the likes of us.

Forgiveness need not be a feat of supernatural power. It is just a way of putting the past behind you, once and for all. It is a way of moving on. It is a way of seeing things differently, looking at life from a new perspective. It is the realisation that we cannot stay bitter and angry for the rest of our lives.

The noblest virtue indeed

Forgiveness is the noblest virtue. Let me share a story to illustrate this:

A rich old man divided all his property equally among his sons. However, he withheld an expensive diamond ring, which was a family heirloom. His sons were being sent out to travel and take on the world. When they returned on a certain specified day, the diamond ring would go to him who had done the noblest deed. On the appointed day the sons returned home. They were asked to report on what they considered to be their noblest deed.

The first son said, “A wealthy banker handed over all his money to me for investment. I could have kept it all – but I served him honestly, and restored every pie of his to him, with interest.”

“That was indeed well done – but you only did what you should do,” said the father.

The second son said, “As I was walking along the seashore, I saw a little child who was about to drown.

At the risk of my life, I rushed into the roaring waves and rescued the child.”

“That was a brave deed – but not worthy enough to deserve the priceless ring!” was the father’s response.

It was the youngest son’s turn. “I was tending my sheep on the mountains, when I saw my bitterest enemy stumble on the edge of a precipice and fall. He hung on to the edge of the cliff in terror – I rushed to his aid and saved his life!”

“You are my pride and joy,” said the father.

“Returning good for evil is the noblest deed. The ring shall be yours!”

The post Forgiveness Is the Noblest Virtue, says Dada Vaswani appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Well, yes. But self-care can do much more than that. Taking care of yourself doesn’t just make you feel good but it also can lead to better relationships with others.

A happy and successful relationship begins with self-care, even if you might not have thought about the connection between the two before. But how and why? Let’s look at four big reasons.

1. Self-care creates a space for you

It’s so important in any relationship to have space for yourself. All too often, especially when we’ve been in a relationship for a long time, we can lose our sense of self and forget what makes us individuals.

This doesn’t necessarily mean that your relationship is bad or unhealthy—sometimes, we just slip into these habits. We end up doing everything together; we have couple activities and couple goals and couple accomplishments.

And while it is amazing to be able to share your life with a person you love, it’s important that you still take some time for yourself and don’t lose your identity. If you’re constantly doing everything together, chances are that you’re probably compromising on some of the things you want.

Taking a step back and practising giving yourself some love and care creates a space for you—for your wants and needs. So, if you love reading, carve some time out in your evening to get comfy on the sofa with a good book while your other half watches the TV. If there’s a hobby that you adore like gardening or yoga but you’ve let it slide recently because you’ve both been caught up with social commitments, bring it back into your life. And don’t forget to make time for your friends and family—not just your “couple” friends!

2. Self-care = a happy you = a happy relationship

Learning to love yourself is so important for your own personal happiness.

We’re generally not taught by society to love ourselves. We learn from a very early age to look at ourselves harshly: magnifying our flaws, comparing ourselves to others, and slipping into negative self-talk all too easily. We’re our own worst critics.

Self-care can help you to learn to love yourself: it teaches you to treat yourself well, to nourish your body and mind with kindness and love. Part of this includes tending to your physical needs, like eating well, adding regular exercise into your routine, and getting enough sleep so that you feel rested and rejuvenated.

It also means tending to your emotional and mental health: doing things that bring you joy, spending time with people you love, and learning to be emotionally aware so that you can be kind to yourself when you need it.

When you learn to love yourself through practising self-care, it makes you a happier version of yourself. And when you’re a happy you, you’re going to enjoy a happier relationship.

3. Taking care of yourself makes you a better partner

As I said above, practising self-care helps to boost your general mood and support your mental health, making you feel happier and more balanced.

By looking after yourself and ensuring that you’re in a good headspace, you are giving yourself the emotional capacity and availability to provide support for your other half too.

If we’re feeling low, stressed or tense for whatever reason, it’s unlikely that we’re going to be able to support to a partner who is feeling the same—and that’s if we even notice. Sometimes we’re so wrapped up in our own problems that we miss what’s going on right in front of us.

When we’re struggling emotionally, we’ll probably snap and lash out instead, not having the emotional capacity, empathy or patience to be able to deal with another person’s problems. This can result in feeling distant from each other, arguing, and disconnection.

Self-care helps you to feel happier, rested and less stressed, which means you’re in a better position to provide emotional support to your partner if they need it. This is so important in a relationship: you need to be able to support each other equally. If one of you is doing most of the emotional heavy-lifting, then that’s going to take its toll on your relationship and your wellbeing.

4. Self-care stops resentment—on both sides

Giving up self-care when you’re in a relationship doesn’t make you a martyr or a better partner to your other half. If anything, it makes you more difficult to live with and be in a relationship with.

This may sound counter-intuitive—after all, we can sometimes associate self-care with selfishness—but it actually makes a lot of sense. Your significant other wants you to be happy, fun and fulfilled in your relationship.

Not taking care of your emotional and physical needs properly means that you’re probably not as happy as you could be. In fact, it will probably result in you being distracted, moody, irritable or stressed—which can be frustrating and upsetting to your partner.

Similarly, if you’re constantly doing things for other people (like your significant other) and never doing anything for yourself, there’s probably going to be some resentment building up. You might not realise it to start with, but you could easily end up feeling resentful and underappreciated by your partner.

Practising self-care and giving yourself enough love and attention will make you feel happier and more fulfilled—and these positive emotions will feed into your relationship.

Start with small steps today

A happy relationship begins with self-care, even if you might not have connected the two before. Looking after yourself and your personal needs will help you to be a better partner: giving you the emotional capacity to be there for your other half, and strengthening your relationship.

Don’t let it fall by the wayside; start taking small steps to add more self-care into your life and you’ll see the positive impact this will have on your relationship too.

The post Why self-care is the key to a happy relationship appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

She narrates her own story of coping with a series of huge tragedies to drive home the point that the secret of being mentally strong is to give up your bad mental habits. Mental strength is a lot like physical health. To become physically fit, if you really want to see results, just exercising regularly is not enough; you even have to give up eating junk food. Likewise, to be mentally strong, you need good habits like practising gratitude; but you also have to give up your bad habits like resenting the success and happiness of your fellow beings.

Amy says that each of us possess the ability to build mental strength, but most don’t know how. She invites us to reflect on our bad mental habits that are holding us back, the unhealthy beliefs that are keeping us from being as mentally strong as we could be.

About Amy Morin

Amy Morin, a licensed clinical social worker and psychotherapist, has been counseling children, teens, and adults since 2002. She also works as an adjunct psychology instructor.

Amy’s expertise in mental strength has attracted international attention. Her bestselling book, 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do, is being translated into more than 20 languages.

Amy’s advice has been featured by a number of media outlets, including: Time, Fast Company, Good Housekeeping, Business Insider, Elle, Cosmopolitan, Success, Glamour, Oprah.com, TheBlaze TV, and Fox News. She has also been a guest on dozens of radio shows.

She is a regular contributor to Forbes, Inc., and Psychology Today. She serves as About.com’s Parenting Teens Expert and Discipline Expert.

As a frequent keynote speaker, Amy loves to share the latest research on resilience and the best strategies for overcoming adversity and building mental muscle.

The post Why you should give up your bad mental habits appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

This brings us to an important point about the meaning of forgiveness. Most people think that forgiving is about letting the perpetrator, the culprit, the wrongdoer go scot-free. Therefore, whether one can forgive or not depends on the degree of the misdeed. If the crime is grave—such as a terror attack, a murder or a rape—forgiveness is out of question. Of course, ‘degree of misdeed’ is subjective and differs from one victim to another. Still, whatever the act, the focus of forgiveness tends to always be on the offender. And that’s where the idea of forgiveness is misinterpreted.

Related » Here’s Why God Never Forgives

Forgiveness is about you, not the other

It is important to understand that you forgiving someone doesn’t absolve the person of the responsibility for the offense. In fact, forgiveness is NOT about the offender at all. It is about your own deepest feelings. The prime beneficiary of forgiveness is the one who forgives.

According to medical science, forgiving is immensely beneficial to your health—physical and emotional. The relief you feel when you finally let go of years of pent up bitterness cannot be described. When you forgive, it unlocks a tremendous amount of energy that was blocked by the negative feelings. Scores of people have reported significant transformation in all dimensions of their lives after undergoing the process of forgiveness.

Related » A 4-step guide on how to forgive someone (anyone!)

How to forgive

So how does one go about forgiving? The key to forgiveness is to separate the deed from the doer. This distinction is critical because some acts seem unforgivable—so much so that even the most large-hearted people are unable to view them kindly. But forgiveness is given to the person, not the act. And then again, it is given so that you are free from the clutches of ill-feelings you have towards that person. It’s always only about you.

The post The Prime Beneficiary of Forgiveness Is the One Who Forgives appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

A divorced wife, who was unable to forgive her husband, developed a cancerous growth that led to surgery. She was convinced that her emotional hurt and resentment had contributed to her cancer.

We all know that stress causes insomnia—so can bitterness! Research has even uncovered a relationship between unresolved anger and cardiac arrest. People who hold grudges fall easy prey to illness. When they make the conscious decision to cease hatred and resentment—they set themselves on the road to recovery. This is why hatred has been likened to cancer—it is the cancer of bitterness that destroys both body and soul.

Also read » Forgive for health and happiness

A vast amount of documented research links the working of the body with the thoughts and feelings of the mind. Our emotional turmoil is manifested in our body. We begin to be at war with ourselves. Doctors have a peculiar word—to somaticise. It simply means taking an emotional issue and unconsciously displacing it on to our body. The result can be anything from a perforated ulcer to a cancer.

Mary Chandler narrates a moving story about the healing power of forgiveness from her own life. When Mary was barely 16 years old, disaster struck her family. A terrible accident took place outside their home, when a huge truck rammed into her parents’ car. Her six year old sister and two year old brother were scared stiff, but safe in the back seat. The father was badly shaken, but unharmed. However, her mother was severely injured. Her head lay on the pavement, her feet were still wedged in the car, and blood streamed down her face and hair.

Shocked and terrified, Mary could only pray, “Please God, don’t let my mom die!”

In a daze, she watched the ambulance arrive and take her mother to hospital. Then she saw the driver of the truck—tall, slim, dressed in working clothes—standing with his head bowed, near the smashed car.

“I’m sorry,” he said to her. “I didn’t see the stop sign and…”

“I hate you!” cried Mary. “Look what you’ve done to my mom! Why couldn’t you drive more carefully? I’ll never, ever forgive you—I hope God doesn’t either!”

Mary was deeply troubled, sorely embittered. ‘What has my mom done to deserve this?’ she thought. ‘What have we done to deserve this? Why had God allowed this to happen?’

“The accident ended my childhood,” Mary was to write later. At 16, she became the surrogate mother to her siblings—all six of them. She attended school during the day and worked part time in a local movie theatre in the evenings. She did her homework between 11pm and 1am.

She missed her mother! Her love and warmth and care were all lost to the children. Money was tight too—for her mother’s income was now lost.

As the weeks dragged on, Mary’s bitterness grew. Reports from the hospital were not good—her mother’s mind and memory were still hazy. Doctors had still not been able to relieve the pressure on her head.

Mary no longer blamed God for what had happened—but she despised the truck driver, who had caused the accident. “He should be the one to suffer—not us,” she thought in anger.

Worries, responsibilities and constant work took their toll on the children.

One night, Mary was sitting at the dining table, working on a huge pile of assignments, when she was overwhelmed by tears. “I can’t go on like this,” she sobbed. “God, please help me.” She felt the old bitterness and anger return, as she thought of the tall, thin truck driver.

“Mary,” she heard her mother’s voice saying, “I have forgiven him. It’s time you did, too.”

Startled, Mary looked up to see if her mother was there—of course, she was not! She was in the hospital, miles away.

“Forgive him,” repeated her mother’s voice. “If you can’t do it on your own, ask for God’s help in forgiving him.”

Mary closed her tear-filled eyes. “Please God,” she prayed. “Don’t let my heart harden to stone. Help me understand. Help me to forgive!” She remembered the slim man’s anguished face and trembling voice saying, “I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!”

She had heard from her father that he had been calling the hospital constantly to enquire after her mother. He too had suffered because of the accident. As Mary prayed that night, she found that her bitterness began to dissolve. The hatred in her heart vanished, and she felt compassion for the first time. She thought of the guilt and the heartache the driver must have suffered, and her heart went out to his family.

Suddenly, the phone rang. It was 12.30am. Mary lifted the receiver with trembling hands. “Honey, it’s Mom,” she heard as if in a dream.

“The switchboard is closed for the night, so I came over to the payphone to talk to you. How are you my darling?”

“But… but Mom, how did you get to the phone at this time of night?” Mary stammered.

She had heard from her Dad that her mother still suffered from severe dizziness, which prevented her from walking upright. Whenever she had tried to get up from her bed and walk on her own, she had fallen down and lay helplessly on the floor, until someone came to her aid. How could she have come up to the pay phone? Perhaps someone had helped her.

“Mary, are you all right?” she repeated.

“I am fine Mom,” Mary blurted out, a smile spreading across her tear stained face. “I’m just fine. Tell me, how are you?”

“At peace,” came the mother’s reply.

“So am I Mom,” Mary whispered. “So am I. Finally, I have forgiven him. I just spoke to God before you called, and I feel a burden has been lifted from my heart. I have forgiven the driver who caused your accident.”

“Mr Abbott will be so relieved,” said her mother. “Your Dad and I have forgiven him long ago. But he still remembers what you said, and he has asked me again and again if you would ever forgive him. He was here to see me today, you know.”

Mary felt a lump in her throat. “Next time he calls, Mom,” she said, “tell him please.”

Six weeks later, Mary’s mother came back home, almost completely recovered. The accident taught Mary valuable lessons—she learnt to forgive and be forgiven. She says she still hears her mother’s voice, “Ask God to help you forgive him.” It made a great difference in her life!

Forgiveness protects you

Forgiveness is not just a favour you confer upon another person. It is a much-needed protection you need for yourself. It protects you from corrosive feelings of bitterness and anger that can corrupt mind and soul. There are four simple principles we have to follow, in order to forgive in the best spirit:

• Stop being judgemental. We do not have all the facts necessary to make a fair judgement—so the best thing is to leave it to God.
• Develop the spirit of tolerance and understanding. Human beings are not perfect and we are all bound to make mistakes.
• Control the animalistic impulse to fight, hit back and hurt.
• Pray constantly for God’s help. Sometimes, forgiveness is so difficult that we cannot do it alone. It requires the grace of God to change our minds and change ourselves. God’s grace can dissolve even the most deep-seated bitterness.

Forgiveness sets us free. It allows us to be freed from the grievances, penalties, and shackles of past mistakes. It heals the one who forgives—and the one who is forgiven.

The post Pardon, Please: How Forgiveness Sets You Free appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

When we are wronged, we often find ourselves feeling resentful. The target of our resentment could be our loved ones, friends, colleagues, bosses, business associates, or even strangers—anyone who has caused us pain. Whether the wrongdoing is a minor transgression, or a deep injury, when we feel unfairly treated, we carry antipathy in our hearts against those who wronged us.

It is human to feel resentment when we are at the receiving end of unjust conduct of another. It’s healthy too, as long as such feelings fade away with time. Problem begins when we refuse to let go of the past and continue to hold on to the resentment a long time after the “unjust” occurrence, sometimes even for years.

Unresolved resentment becomes dangerous when it takes the form of hatred, anger, bitterness, hostility and an urge to avenge, or get even. Confined for long, such feelings start to take a toll on our lives — our relationships, careers, even our health suffers in the process. The only way to release this pent up negative energy is to practice forgiveness.

The power of forgiveness

Forgiveness is, perhaps, the most potent weapon in resolving conflicts. Individuals and societies can use this powerful missile of love to bring peace into this world. Contrary to what most people believe, forgiveness is not a sign of weakness. It is the ultimate symbol of strength. Only those who are emotionally secure can forgive. No wonder, Mahatma Gandhi believed that forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.

Internationally renowned physician and cardiologist, the late Dr Herbert Benson, who helped pioneer the field of mind/body medicine, said, “There’s something called the physiology of forgiveness. Being unable to forgive other people’s faults is harmful to one’s health.”

Many studies in medicine and clinical psychology are now linking the inability/unwillingness to forgive with health hazards such as increased blood pressure, cardiovascular disease, and immune suppression.

Forgiveness is therapeutic

These same studies are also proving a long-standing truth that all faith traditions have been preaching for centuries: that those who are forgiving not only have improved relationships, but fewer health problems and lower incidence of the most serious illnesses.

For instance, a Duke University Medical Center study showed a decrease of back pain, depression and lower levels of chronic pain in people who learned to forgive.

Dr. Charlotte vanOyen Witvlieta, psychology professor at Hope College in Holland, Michigan, found that when individuals were able to forgive, they experienced greater joy, a more profound sense of control over life and less depression.

Forgiveness is liberating

Author Isabelle Holland said, “As long as you don’t forgive, who and whatever, it will occupy rent-free space in your mind.” What this really means is that if we don’t forgive, it is we who suffer, not the person/s at whom our resentment is directed. Therefore, we would do well to keep in mind that forgiveness has less to do with another and more with ourselves. When we forgive, we free our hearts and minds of the needless toxicity and suffering. Forgiveness, then, is a liberating experience. It is the best gift we can give to ourselves.

Forgiveness requires effort

Forgiveness is immensely beneficial but it, by no means, is easy. It requires us to recondition our thinking and unlearn our justice-seeking [revenge] mindset.

Paul Coleman defines forgiveness as the decision to offer love to someone who has betrayed that love. Robert D Enright and Joanna North define forgiveness as giving up resentment and vengeance and fostering compassion on the inflictor of pain.

Few have explained forgiveness as well as psychologist Joan Borysenko, PhD, author of Minding the Body, Mending the Mind: “Forgiveness is not the misguided act of condoning irresponsible, hurtful behaviour. Nor is it a superficial turning of the other cheek that leaves us feeling victimised and martyred. Rather it is the finishing of old business that allows us to experience the present, free of contamination from the past.” There! Genuine forgiveness is all-encompassing. When we forgive it’s not just about letting go of the desire to get even. It’s also about replacing ill-feelings towards the offender with feelings of compassion and love. When you forgive with all your heart, you let go of all negative feelings towards the other. In the words of Dr Paul T P Wong, “Complete forgiveness involves complete transformation toward the offender.”

Seems a tough call? Perhaps, we can learn a thing or two from the great souls who not only preached, but also practised forgiveness.

“Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do,” prayed Jesus Christ as he was being crucified. This ultimate example of forgiveness teaches us a lot. When we change our perspective and develop tolerance towards the wrongdoer, it is easier to forgive. Jesus forgave those who did all manner of evil against Him. He knew that hatred, anger and bitterness are counterproductive and He believed in the awesome power of love, which He effectively used to transform thousands of souls.

Forgiving yourself

To be able to genuinely forgive others, we must first learn to forgive ourselves. Forgiving the self is even more important than forgiving others. Why the need to forgive ourselves? Because, self-condemnation is even more harmful to our mental, emotional and physical health than resentment towards others.

We blame ourselves for all kinds of things and the ensuing guilt stops us from enjoying our life to the fullest. Self-reproach is often a moral issue. When we commit an act that is considered to be morally wrong, we feel guilty and carry that guilt with us. Self-forgiveness means taking a non-judgmental stance of our thoughts and actions. Holding on to what is over only immobilises us. Self-forgiveness is accepting our limitations of being human. It is about knowing that we’re allowed to make mistakes and learn from them.

Forgiveness in practice

Even if we resolve to forgive, we can’t do it overnight. The dissolution of anger, hatred and bitterness accumulated over years takes time. So, genuine forgiveness is a gradual process and requires patience and thoughtful deliberation on our part. The following steps can help you get started:

1. Start with meditating on the specific feelings of bitterness you have been carrying in your mind
2. Resolve that you will not allow resentment to seduce you into acting in self-defeating ways
3. Next, start observing your thoughts and actions. Each time you notice feelings of resentment, remind yourself gently about the dangers of being resentful and the power of forgiveness
4. When you find the bitterness in you neutralising, begin to slowly bring compassion and love into your thoughts.

Let go and change your future

Resentment is a futile emotion as it only harms its proprietor – emotionally and physically. Commit to memory what Buddha said centuries ago: “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else – you are the one who gets burned.” So, instead of condemning and resenting others, we can serve ourselves better by cultivating an attitude of letting go, of condoning.

Remember—the past cannot be changed, but by forgiving you can change the future. So, if at any point, you find that you are not happy with your past behaviour, do yourself a favour — simply resolve never to repeat it and move on.

Readers interested may further exploration on forgiveness may visit Campaign for Forgiveness Research. It’s an excellent resource on scientific research of forgiveness.

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