Squirrels are persistent about their goals

The first time I saw a squirrel climb the pole to the feeder and eat to its heart’s content, I knocked on the window to scare him away only to find him back two minutes later having a feast. Then, I came up with what I thought was an ingenious solution. I greased the bird feeder pole with cooking oil and the next time a squirrel tried to climb the pole, I smiled to myself as he gently slid to the ground. After three or four attempts, he scampered away, but of course, he came back with a vengeance and quickly figured out how to climb the pole!

Squirrels are very persistent little creatures. They do whatever it takes to achieve their goal. When squirrel-proof cages finally became available, I was sure this new device would do the trick. And it did for several weeks. Time and again, I’d watch the squirrel climb up to the feeder, try every which way to get at the food, and when he couldn’t succeed, run off to a new yard.

Then, one morning, as I sat in my office watching the birds, a squirrel ran to the pole, climbed to the top of the protected feeder, hung upside down above it, and gingerly shook the feeder until birdseed fell to the ground. Once he served himself enough food, he ran down the pole and sat below the feeder to enjoy his meal. That’s when I decided that if he was that persistent [and clever], he deserved the darn food!

Try, Try and Again Try… Until You Achieve Your Goal

There are times in life when we set our sights on something that’s deeply important to us; yet, when we hit roadblocks, setbacks, or failure, we make a premature decision to give up. The message is simple—if you know in your heart that your goal is right, be persistent. Hang in there and be willing to do whatever it takes to make it happen. If one approach doesn’t work, circle around the situation, and look for a new way of achieving your goal.

To help you gain a fresh perspective, try this:

1. Imagine that you’ve already achieved the goal

Then, look back from this perspective and notice what you did. Don’t overthink your answers; just write down whatever comes to mind. You’re looking for strategies or ideas that may not have occurred to you yet.

2. Imagine that you’re just one step away from achieving success

From this perspective, ask yourself, “What one word best describes the step I need to take next?” Trust your subconscious to give you an answer and again, write down what comes to mind. When I used this exercise with a friend who was ready to quit nursing school, the word that occurred to her was ‘tutor’. When we explored this word further, she admitted that there was one class, in particular, that made her feel anxious and inadequate. This exercise helped her see that she needed help to get through the class.

3. Imagine someone offered you money to move towards your goal

If someone offered you a 1000 dollars to take three outrageous steps toward your goal, what three steps would you take? Again, don’t overthink or censor your answers. Just notice what comes to mind and write it down. Even though your answers may seem unrealistic, I’ve found that when clients answer this question, they often come up with ways to try a new approach. Of course there are times when quitting is the right thing to do, but before you give up, make sure you discuss your situation with someone who believes in you. Do they see something you don’t? Is there a step they suggest you take before you quit? Finally, make sure that you’re not giving up out of fear or frustration. It’s not uncommon to be faced with the greatest challenges at the point when we’re about to reach the finish line.

Use the steps above to find a new approach before letting go of a goal or dream. Find someone you can talk to about what’s going on so you have a perspective on what’s next. Then try taking a new action and watch for signs that you’re on the right track!

A Secret Skill to Help You Achieve Your Goal

What do we need most to accomplish our goals, to fulfill our intentions, or to realize our dreams? Some might say intelligence, others may say money, patience, or the right connections. While all of these ingredients are important, an often overlooked and critical skill is resourcefulness. Let me give you a simple example of what I mean.

Recently I spent some time with my good friend Nancy checking out a possible new location for future retreats. One morning, as Nancy and I were sitting in our room having coffee, I took out some paper from my suitcase to wrap a birthday gift for a friend I planned to see later in the day. As I began to fold the paper around the gift, I realized I had no tape or ribbon to secure the wrapping. So, rather than walk to the gift store, I decided to challenge myself to find a way to get the gift wrapped without having the right tools. I saw this as an opportunity to stretch my resourcefulness muscles—something I enjoy doing. I took a large, pink piece of tissue paper and carefully wrapped it around the gift. Then, I took a pink and white piece, folded it into a thin strip, and used it to keep the ends of the pink paper closed. But, I still needed something to secure the strip. So, I went out into the garden to look for a long piece of grass, or a thin branch from a nearby bush. No luck. I went back inside to keep searching. By now, Nancy was fully on board and we were both having fun trying to find a solution. Nancy is one of the most resourceful people I know, and I knew it was a matter of time before we came up with an idea. Just then, I walked into my bathroom and immediately found the answer: dental floss. I pulled a long piece from the container, tied it around the gift, and stepped back to admire my creation. The gift looked like it had been professionally wrapped [and it smelled minty-fresh, too!].

Our successful attempt to wrap the gift prompted a discussion about the importance of being resourceful. Nancy is the Events Director for more than 85 Hay House programs every year, and she’s challenged to find solutions to problems every day. As a result she’s a lightening-quick thinker, a bulldog when it comes to follow through, and a master at finding solutions to what appear to be insurmountable problems.

3 Steps to Realize Your Goals

If a goal or dream is meant to be realized, then these are the skills you’ll want to make it happen. So, think about it. How resourceful are you? To find out, choose a goal or intention that’s important to you, one that also presents a challenge. Then, take the following three steps.

Step 1 Decide in your mind that there is a solution to the problem or challenge – period, end of discussion. Don’t take no for an answer.

Step 2 Commit to doing whatever it takes to find that solution [this is why the goal better be important].

Step 3 Start searching for your next step and be open to unexpected ideas. Then take action.

Whether you need to find a new job in a hurry, money to pay this month’s rent, an idea to help take your business to the next level, or a way to turn a mistake into an opportunity, resourcefulness is your ticket to a successful outcome. Just stay open-minded and be sure to keep your feet moving.

When you develop your resourcefulness muscles, you’ll stop being afraid of failure. And you’ll start influencing the lives of others in a powerful way.

This is an updated version of the excerpt that was first published in the June 2014 issue of Complete Wellbeing magazine.

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Breathing consciously is like drinking a glass of cool water. As we breathe in, we really feel the air filling our lungs. We don’t need to control our breath. We feel the breath as it actually is. It may be long or short, deep or shallow. In the light of our awareness it will naturally become slower and deeper. Conscious breathing is the key to uniting body and mind and bringing the energy of mindfulness into each moment of our life.

Regardless of our internal weather—our thoughts, emotions, and perceptions—our breathing is always with us like a faithful friend. Whenever we feel carried away, sunk in a deep emotion, or caught in thoughts about the past or the future, we can return to our breathing to collect and anchor our mind.

How to Practice Conscious Breathing

Light and natural, calm and peaceful

While you breathe in and out, feel the flow of air coming in and going out of your nose. At first your breathing may not be relaxed.

But after practicing conscious breathing for awhile, you will feel how light and natural, how calm and peaceful your breathing has become. Any time you’re walking, gardening, typing, or doing anything at all, you can return to this peaceful source of life.

You can say to yourself:

Breathing in, I know I’m breathing in.
Breathing out, I know I’m breathing out 

When the mind is no longer thinking

After a few breaths, you may want to shorten this to “In, Out”. If you follow your in-breath and out-breath all the way through, your mind is no longer thinking. Now your mind has a chance to rest. In our daily life we think too much. Giving our mind a chance to stop thinking is wonderful.

“Breathing in, I know I’m breathing in…” isn’t a thought. It’s a simple awareness that something is happening, that you are breathing in and out. When you breathe in and bring your attention to your in-breath you bring your mind back to a reunion with your body. Just one in-breath can help the mind come back to the body. When body and mind come together, you can be truly in the present moment.

“Breathing in, I know I’m breathing in…” is another way of saying “Breathing in, I feel alive.” Life is in you and life is around you—life with all its wonders: the sunshine, the blue sky, the autumn leaves. It’s very important to go home to the present moment to get in touch with the healing, refreshing, and nourishing elements of life inside and around you. A light smile can relax all the muscles of your face.

Breathing in, I recognize the blue sky.
Breathing out, I smile to the blue sky, 

Breathing in, I am aware of the beautiful autumn leaves.
Breathing out, I smile to the beautiful autumn leaves. 

You can shorten this to “blue sky” on the in-breath, and “healing” on the out-breath. Then “autumn leaves” on the in-breath, and “smiling” on the out-breath. When you practice breathing like this, it puts you in touch with all these wonders of life.

Just one in-breath can help the mind come back to the body

With conscious breathing, you are in touch with life

The beauty of life is nourishing you. You are free from your worries and fears. You get in touch with your breath and with your body. Your body is a wonder. Your eyes are a wonder, you need only to open your eyes to be able to touch the paradise of forms and colors that are available. Your ears are a wonder. Thanks to your ears you can hear all kinds of sounds: music, birdsong, and the wind blowing through the pine trees. When you pay attention to your in-breath and out-breath, you bring yourself home to the present moment, to the here and the now, and you are in touch with life. If you were to continue to be lost in the past, or to run to the future, you’d miss all of that.

Breathing in, I follow my in-breath all the way through.
Breathing out, I follow my out-breath all the way through. 

In the beginning, you may notice that your breathing may feel labored or awkward. Your breath is a result of your body and feelings. If your body has tension or pain, if your feelings are painful, then your breath is affected. Bring your attention to your breath and breathe mindfully.

Breathing in, I know I’m breathing in.
Breathing out, I know I’m breathing out. 

Breathing in, I smile to my in-breath.
Breathing out, I smile to my out-breath. 

Let the quality of your breathing improve naturally

Never force your breath. If your in-breath is short, let it be short. If it’s not very peaceful, let it be like that. We don’t intervene, force, or “work on” our breath. We just become aware of it, and after some time, the quality of our breathing improves naturally. Mindfulness of breathing identifies and embraces our in-breath and out-breath, like a mother going home to her child and embracing her child tenderly in her arms. You’ll be surprised to see that after one or two minutes, the quality of your breathing begins improving. Your in-breath becomes deeper, your out-breath becomes slower. Your breathing becomes more peaceful and harmonious.

Breathing in, I notice that my in-breath has become deeper.
Breathing out, I notice that my out-breath has become slower.

When you notice that your in-breath and out-breath have become more peaceful, deeper, and slower, you can offer that peace, calm, and harmony to your body. In your daily life, you may be neglecting and ignoring your body. Now is your chance to come home to your body, recognize its existence, get reacquainted, and make friends with it.

Breathing in, I’m aware of my body.
Breathing out, I release all the tension in my body. 

Rising, falling

These breathing exercises come from the Buddha himself*. They’re very easy, like child’s play. If it’s helpful, put your hand on your belly. You’ll notice that when you breathe in, your stomach is rising, and when you breathe out, your stomach is falling. Rising, falling. Especially in the lying position, it’s easy to feel your abdomen rising and falling. You’re aware of your in-breath and out-breath from the beginning to the end. Breathing like this is enjoyable. You aren’t thinking anymore—of the past, of the future, of your projects, of your suffering. Breathing becomes a pleasure, a reminder of life itself.

Breathing in, I enjoy my in-breath.
Breathing out, I enjoy my out breath

*See Thich Nhat Hanh Breathe! You Are Alive (Berkeley, CA Parallax Press, 2008)

Later on, after you’ve been able to offer that peace and to your body, helping it to release the tension, then you can identify your feelings and emotions.

Breathing in, I’m aware of the painful feeling in me.
Breathing out, I smile to the painful feeling in me.

There’s a painful feeling, but there’s also mindfulness. Mindfulness is like a mother, embracing the feeling tenderly. Mindfulness is always mindfulness of something. When you breathe mindfully, that is mindfulness of breathing. When you walk mindfully, that is mindfulness of walking. When you drink mindfully, that is mindfulness of drinking. When you’re mindful of your feelings, that’s mindfulness of feeling. Mindfulness can be brought to intervene in every physical and mental event, bringing recognition and relief.

The present moment is the only moment

I’d like to offer you a practice poem you can recite from time to time, while breathing and smiling:

Breathing in, I know I am breathing in.
Breathing out, I know I am breathing out.

As my in-breath grows deep,
My out-breath grows slow.

Breathing in, I calm my body,
Breathing out, I feel at ease.

Breathing in, I smile,
Breathing out, I release.

Dwelling in the present moment,
I know this is a wonderful moment.

You can shorten this to the words below, one word or phrase per breath:

In, Out.
Deep, Slow.
Calm, Ease.
Smile, Release.
Present Moment, Wonderful Moment.

The present moment is the only moment that is real. Your most important task is to be here and now and enjoy the present moment.

Complementary content

Here’s a meditation that teaches you to breathe consciously — guided by the venerable Thich Nhat Hahn himself. You might find it immensely useful. (Audio only)

The post Thich Nhat Hanh Teaches How to Practice Conscious Breathing appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Long before the coronavirus pandemic and its subsequent lockdown forced us all to rethink the way we look at and deal with food ingredients, food wastage has been on the top of the minds of many conscientious meal makers. Food ‘scraps’, those edible but unused parts of vegetables, fruit, meat, fish and poultry do not have to find their way into the garbage bin. Putting them there is really a waste of some of the nutritive value of the food as well as tonnes of flavour. If used intelligently, these food scraps have the potential to be converted into great dishes, filled with nourishment. Top chefs from around the world, including the late Anthony Bourdain, have created inspiring dishes from food scraps that would have otherwise sadly gone to waste. Wasted! The Story of Food Waste has greatly inspired us and helped us take on the challenge of eliminating food waste and reducing our expenditure on various artificial nutraceuticals.

So what comes to mind when you see cauliflower stalks, coriander stems, melon seeds, celery roots, red pumpkin peels, the bones and skin of meat, fish and poultry lying around on your kitchen countertop, chopping board or sink? We hope it’s not the garbage bin. In current times, when produce is difficult to come by, not because of scarcity but because we are making fewer grocery rounds, reduction of food waste is very important. Understanding this and learning how to safely cook with food scraps prolongs the use of the different food groups and stretches to the maximum every rupee we spend on our food.

All the food waste that ends up in the garbage bin and subsequently in a landfill is damaging to our environment because of the greenhouse gases it produces. To prevent this from happening, we have listed some easy hacks for you to use up all those food scraps in your kitchen. This is ‘root-to-stem’ cooking at its simplest and best.

Easy hacks to use your food scraps

Seeds

Seeds of white pumpkin, red pumpkin, cucumber, winter melon, musk melon, watermelon, sunflower, etc., can be washed, dried and roasted until crisp. They make for crunchy snacks and healthy additions to soups, salads, breakfast cereals, granola bars, muffins, seed butters and chikkis. Jackfruit seeds can be boiled and eaten plain or added to gravies, dals, kadhis and smoothies, or made into jackfruit-seed butter. Jackfruit seed flour can also be used in baking and for making rotis.

Roots and tops

Roots and tops of root vegetables such as yams, beets, turmeric, ginger, radishes, carrots, potatoes, sweet potatoes and turnips may not be the main parts of the vegetables but are still delicious, edible and high in nutritive value. Since these root vegetables grow under the soil, they absorb a large amount of nutrients from it. So you are wasting nutrients if you throw away the roots and tops. Collect them in a freezer bag or box, and use them in soups, sauces, juices, green smoothies and gravies. Beet greens are a perfect addition to Russian borscht. You can also blend them together and use them when you are making cutlets, kebabs, falafel and burgers. When cooked well, they also make a great addition to stuffed parathas, pulaos and chilas.

Stalks and stems

Stalks and stems of broccoli, cauliflower, spinach, mint, coriander, parsley and oregano should definitely not be discarded. Some of the stalks are tough and many stems can be bland or bitter. Just cook the tough stalks well and add them to the main dish or to a side dish, along with some crumbled cheese or paneer, lemon juice, vinegar, pepper, sea salt, olive oil, nuts and dried herbs. If you use only the whites of spring onions, please continue chopping the greens too, else you will have lost out on 50 per cent of its nutritive value. Leek tops can be chopped into bits and cooked until tender. We like to add them to omelettes, vegetable pulaos, stews and soups, or simply use them in place of onions. Broccoli and cauliflower stalks can be sliced and added to stir-fried vegetables, or grated and used to make fritters, frittatas and broccoli/cauliflower rice, or even spiralised just like you would courgettes, zucchini and carrots. The chopped-up stems of herbs and leafy vegetables will add so much more flavour to chutneys, raitas, pestos, hummus, sauces and dips. When used as garnish, they will provide that appealing look and satisfying crunch. When muddled, they will even uplift the flavour of your favourite cocktail and mocktail!

Leaves

Leaves of broccoli and cauliflower are another source of good nutrients. Wash them well, tear them into smaller pieces, toss them in a little oil, along with some sea salt and chaat masala or cracked pepper, and place them in a hot oven. Move them around occasionally, and 30 minutes later, you will have a bowlful of crispy chips.

Vegetable peels

Peels of citrus fruits such as oranges and lemons have natural essential oils, and a citrusy flavour and aroma. When you are done with extracting citrus fruit juice, you can zest the peels and use this in a variety of salads and bakery products. After that, you can try to incorporate bits of the peel into cold-pressed oils or vinegars to make amazing salad dressings and vinaigrettes that will provide a flavoursome punch to simple vegetables, steamed quinoa, thuli, lapsi or couscous. Else you can use the citrus peels along with the fruit pulp in marmalade, murabbas, compotes, sherbets, pickles and chutneys. Peels of apples and pears can be placed on a baking tray and allowed to oven-dry. Adding some oil or butter will ensure that they do not burn. They make a crisp, crunchy addition to stodgy oatmeal. Apple and pear peels can also be boiled in water to make delicious caffeine-free fruit teas. Candied citrus orange and lemon peels placed in a cup of hot water right before you place your tea bag will give you an amazing infusion to clean blocked sinusoids. Overripe fruits can be pureed and frozen to save them from ending up in the garbage bin. A scoopful of this puree can then be added to a pancake mix, cake/muffin batter or even to your morning smoothie.

The inner whitish portions of watermelon peels can be grated and made into a yummy side dish when tempered with mustard seeds and curry leaves. Else discard the outer dark-green skin, grate the whitish rind and make a sweet pickle, much like mango chunda. Or cut the rind into small pieces, place in a clean glass jar along with some cloves of garlic, sea salt, green chillies and oregano, top with water and allow the fermentation process to occur over the next few days. The tangy, spicy pickle that results should be kept in the refrigerator to retard further fermentation. Do try it for its probiotic benefits. Your gut will thank you for it.

Vegetable peels are another excellent source of vitamins and minerals. Nearly half the nutritive value of the foods is in the layer just beneath the peel. So if you are sure that your produce is not laden with pesticide residues, please go ahead and use the peels. If not, you can immerse food produce in salt water or a baking soda solution or a vinegar solution. Grated and, in some cases, subsequently steamed peels are a great addition to raitas, kachumbers, halwas, sheeras and phirnis. Beetroots, potatoes and sweet potatoes should ideally be cooked with their peels, provided that they are scrubbed well to ensure that they are free of soil. If, however, you must peel them, save the peels. Spread these in single, even layers over a lightly oiled baking tray. Add a drizzle of vegetable oil, some sea salt, herbs, chilli flakes and/or pepper and bake until crisp in a hot oven. These homemade crisps/chips are a healthy alternative to ready-made preservative- and additive-laden snacks.

Lentil and rice water

Lentil, rice and vegetable waters should also never be discarded. Use them to make the gravies of the main dish, add them to knead the dough for chapatis, rotis and parathas, or incorporate them in soups, broths and shorbas. Aquafaba is the viscous water in which chickpeas have been cooked. Save this water in a clean container and keep it in the refrigerator. Aquafaba can be used as an egg-white replacement in dishes such as meringues, mousses, macaroons, brownies, pavlovas and marshmallows. The viscous aquafaba mimics the functional and stabilising properties of egg whites.

If you love eating pickled gherkins, dill, green peppers and cucumbers preserved in brine, what do you do with the fermented brine? We encourage you to save it to add flavour to soups, liven up a bland hummus or salad, marinate meat or poultry or even drink a shot of it daily to improve the health of your gut. When meat is grilled over very high heat, a number of cancer-causing/carcinogenic compounds called HCAs are produced. Marinating meat in this fermented brine for a few hours before grilling it will reduce the amount of HCAs produced.

The post Root to Stem Cooking: How to Best Utilize Food Scraps appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Other differences are non-physical. They sometimes fall into the category of what is commonly called personality differences. Though you can’t observe these differences by simply looking at a person, they are just as real. When we use the words introvert and extrovert, we are describing a personality difference. Our differences also show in the way we perform the necessary tasks of daily life, such as loading a dishwasher, squeezing a tube of toothpaste, or hanging a roll of toilet paper. We have different ideas on how to raise children, how to drive a car, how to spend our leisure time, and a thousand other aspects of life. It is because of our differences that we experience conflicts, but I don’t know anyone who would like to eradicate our differences and make us all clones.

The answer to conflict resolution is not in seeking to rid ourselves of our differences but in learning how to make our differences into assets rather than liabilities. The goal of a good marriage is for a couple to learn how to work together as a team, utilizing differences to make life better for both spouses. Resolving conflicts is one method by which we develop this teamwork. Sometimes, we don’t even know what our differences are until a conflict arises.

Conflicts are more than just simple disagreements

When I use the word conflict, I’m not talking about simple disagreements such as her favorite color is blue, his favourite color is yellow. That is not a conflict, it is simply a difference of opinion or preference. Conflicts are disagreements in which both spouses feel strongly and their differing opinions affect their behaviour, causing disharmony in the relationship.

Now, if the wife’s preference for blue and the husband’s preference for yellow is applied to painting the bathroom, their strongly held differences might erupt into a conflict in which they try to convince each other to paint the room a particular color. Conflicts can erupt in any area of life: driving, eating, money, sex, in-laws, spirituality, leisure time, and child rearing, to mention a few.

Conflicts are not necessarily bad—and they’re inevitable in every marriage. For one simple reason, it is impossible to be married and not have conflicts: You are married to a person and every person is unique. In marriage, our objective is not to get rid of conflicts, but rather to resolve conflicts and thereby learn how to work in harmony, as teammates, toward mutual objectives.

When I mentioned the conflict over what color to paint the bathroom, my mind flashed back to a young couple I counseled several years ago.

The case of Jerry and Iris

Jerry and Iris had been married for two years and considered themselves to be in the spring season of their relationship; that is, until they decided to repaint their small apartment. They readily agreed upon the color for each room, until they came to the bathroom. He wanted blue and she wanted green. They were surprised to find themselves arguing passionately over something that they both realized was ultimately quite trivial. Yet, they both felt so strongly about their opinions that, after a few rounds of argument, they agreed to go for counselling.

“We’re actually ashamed to be here,” Iris said. “This seems like such a trivial matter, but it has become very divisive in our marriage. And we don’t want to end up fighting over what color to paint the bathroom.”

With an apologetic shrug, Jerry said, “I bet you’ve never had a couple come to see you about a color to paint the bathroom.”

I smiled and said, “Well, let’s lay it on the table and look at it.” Turning to Iris, I said, “I’m sure you’ve told Jerry all the reasons why you would like the bathroom painted green. So, why don’t you share those reasons with me?” She ran through her list and I took notes. When she was finished, I said, “That makes a lot of sense. I can understand why you would feel that way.” She seemed relieved.

Next, I turned to Jerry and said, “I’m sure you have equally valid reasons why you would like the bathroom painted blue. So, why don’t you share those with me?” When Jerry had shared his reasons, I repeated my response: “What you’re saying makes a lot of sense. I can see why you would like to have the bathroom painted blue.” Jerry seemed relieved that I would agree with him, but Iris looked perplexed. She said, “But you agreed with both of us, and that doesn’t solve our conflict.”

“You are right,” I responded. “But I don’t think either of you is actually looking for a solution. You are still in the arguing mode and have not yet moved to the resolution mode.”

“What do you mean?” Iris said.

“How did you feel when I affirmed your list of reasons for painting the bathroom green?” I asked.

“It felt good,” she said. “It felt like you were respecting my ideas.”

I looked at Jerry and asked, “How did you feel when I affirmed your ideas as making sense and told you I could understand why you would like to have the bathroom blue?”

“I felt like you were hearing me,” he said, “like what I said made sense to you.”

“What I did for each of you is what you have not yet done for each other,” I said. “You have each argued your own position, but you have not affirmed the other person’s ideas.” I turned again to Jerry and asked, “Can you honestly say to Iris what I said to her? ‘What you’re saying makes a lot of sense. I can understand why you would want the bathroom painted green,’ I think her ideas made a lot of sense. Do you agree?”

“Yes,” he said, “but I like my ideas better.”

“That’s understandable, but would you be willing to affirm her ideas by saying something similar to what I just said to her?”

“You mean now?”

“Yes, now would be a good time.”

Jerry looked at Iris and said, “What you’re saying makes sense to me. I can see why you would want the bathroom painted green. And besides that, I love you,” he added with a smile. Both Iris and I smiled as well.

“Okay, that’s a good start,” I said. “And now, Iris, could you honestly make that statement to Jerry?”

She nodded at me and turned to face Jerry. “What you’re saying also makes sense. And I can understand why you would want to have the bathroom painted blue. And I love you, too,” she said.

“Now I think you are ready to look for a resolution,” I said. “You are no longer enemies; you are two friends trying to solve a problem. So, what are the options?”

“We could paint it green,” Jerry offered.

“Or, we could paint it blue,” Iris said. “Or we could mix blue and green together and paint it aqua.”

“I can think of another possibility,” I added. “You could paint some walls blue and some walls green.”

“I hadn’t thought of that,” Iris said.

“Neither had I,” said Jerry.

“I’ve never seen a bathroom with two colors,” said Iris.

“Neither have I,” I interjected, “but it would be unique, wouldn’t it? You would probably get lots of comments about it.”

“I like that idea,” Iris said. “What do you think, Jerry?”

“I think it’s a great idea. We will have the most unique bathroom in the development. And when the neighbors ask us why the two colors, we can tell them about our conflict and how we resolved it.”

“You might even save them a visit to a counsellor,” I said.

When a couple learns to resolve conflicts in this manner, when they work together to understand, encourage, and support each other, marriage becomes beautiful. The ancient Hebrew proverb “Two are better than one” becomes reality. Their deep, emotional need for companionship is met. They are connected with each other emotionally. They approach life with a sense of harmony and together will accomplish far more than either of them could accomplish alone.

How unresolved conflicts corrode a relationship

On the flip side, unresolved conflicts become barriers to harmony. Life becomes a battlefield and husbands and wives become enemies. By means of verbal bombshells, they fight the same battles over and over again, inflicting injuries that push them even further apart emotionally.

After an unrelenting series of unresolved conflicts, a husband might say, “We are just not compatible; we shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place. We are like night and day. I don’t see how we can ever get it together.” His wife might respond, with tears flowing down her face, “How could it come to this when we enjoyed being with each other so much when we were dating? I don’t understand where we went wrong.”

The academic answer to her question is simple: They never learned to resolve conflicts. Perhaps they never anticipated conflict. In the euphoria of the “in love” experience, couples seldom recognize differences and can hardly imagine serious disagreements.

The good news is that any couple can learn to resolve conflicts. I emphasize the word learn. The skill of conflict resolution does not come simply with the passing of time. As surely as you can learn to ride a bicycle, drive a car, or use a computer, you can learn how to resolve conflicts. It will require you to change some of your attitudes, learn to listen, treat your spouse with respect, and negotiate solutions, but it can be done. I’m not saying it will be easy, but the rewards for success are phenomenal.

Why is it so important to resolve conflicts? As one husband put it, “It’s the difference between heaven and hell. For years, we were both miserable. But when we finally began learning how to resolve conflicts, I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. Now I know what it’s like to be married and happy. I can’t believe we waited so long to get help.”

The three attitudes that make all the difference

Often the difference between resolving conflicts and arguing is attitude. Why do people argue? In one word, rigidity. We adopt a rigid attitude and dig in our heels. In essence we’re saying, “My way is the right way, and if you don’t do it my way, then I will make your life miserable.” This is the attitude of an arguer; a person who insists on getting his or her own way.

Conflict resolvers have a different attitude. They say, in effect, “I’m sure we can work this out in a way that will be positive for both of us. Let’s think about it together.” Spouses who adopt this attitude are looking for a win-win resolution.

The case of Bob and Jill

Let’s take the example of Bob and Jill, who were arguing about Monday Night Football. While Bob thought he worked hard all day and deserved to unwind, watching the sport, Jill thought it was a waste of valuable time they could’ve spent together. Obviously, each of them saw the other’s position as unreasonable. They created a miserable evening by arguing and were left with a huge barrier between them. But with a different attitude, the outcome could have been different.

What if Jill had chosen an attitude of accommodation? She might have said, “Bob, I know you really enjoy Monday Night Football. It’s a way for you to unwind from the stresses of the day. On the other hand, I’m beginning to feel lonely and shut out of your life. That’s not a feeling I want to have. So, at your convenience, I’d like for us to talk about it and look for a solution. I’m sure we can work it out. I love you, and I don’t want this to come between us.”

If Bob had chosen a conflict resolver’s attitude, he might have responded, “Honey, you’re right. I really do enjoy Monday Night Football, but I also value our relationship more than anything in the world. I want to meet your needs, and I’m sure we can find a solution that will be good enough for both of us. Why don’t we talk about it at halftime?”

The evening could have been pleasant for both Bob and Jill, and they likely would have found a solution that met their needs.

An attitude of respect

Finding a winning solution begins by choosing to believe that such a solution is possible and that you and your spouse are smart enough to discover it. It begins when you recognise that you are married to another human being who is created in the image of God and is thus extremely valuable. It begins when you choose to treat your spouse as a person of worth. Starting with an attitude of respect predisposes that a couple will find a resolution to their conflict rather than put each other down with condemning arguments.

We recognise that all human being are unique and that our differences do not diminish our worth. Thus, we choose to treat our spouses with dignity and respect. This means we will not seek to convince our spouses to be like us, to agree with all our opinions. We will give them the freedom to think and feel differently, and we will always respect their thoughts and feelings. When we choose an attitude of respect toward our spouses, we are less likely to allow ourselves to get caught up uttering condemning, harsh, cruel words.

Remember Jerry and Iris, who were having difficulty resolving their conflict about what color to paint the bathroom? What they discovered in the course of our counselling together was the calming effect of respecting each other’s opinions. Both Jerry and Iris articulated their opinions very clearly, and they genuinely felt that their opinions were more valid than their spouse’s. It was not until they expressed respect for each other’s ideas that they moved from attack mode to resolution mode.

As long as couples put down each other’s ideas and judge them as less worthy, they are not likely to find a satisfactory resolution. But when they choose an attitude of respecting each other’s ideas, even though they disagree with them, they create a climate in which they can look for a resolution together.

An attitude of love

Another characteristic of conflict resolvers is that they choose an attitude of love. As one wife expressed it, “I am committed to my husband’s wellbeing. I want to do everything I can to enrich his life and help him accomplish his objectives in life.” If her husband has the same attitude toward her, then together they will find resolutions to their conflicts that will be beneficial to both of them.

Selfishness is the opposite of love. Selfish people seek to impose their will on others. What is important to them is “getting my way.” Lovers, on the other hand, seek to do those things that are most helpful for their spouses.

The case of John and Betsy

I saw an attitude of love graphically demonstrated when I visited John and Betsy. They had recently moved to our city and had visited our church. During our conversation, I discovered that they had lost a three-year-old son in a tragic boating accident a year earlier. They had two other children, who were now five and seven, and they told me that Betsy was now pregnant.

“Being a marriage counsellor, Gary, I think you will find this interesting,” Betsy said. “Our decision to have another child did not come easily. John really did not want another child, but I was strongly in favour of having another one.”

I looked at John and he said, “The pain was so deep when we lost Josh that I couldn’t bear the thought of going through that again. I was happy with the two children we had left and wanted to invest my time with them.”

“I can understand that,” I said.

Betsy continued, “I felt that my loss was so deep that I could never find healing without another baby. It was a real conflict between the two of us.”

“So how did you resolve the issue? I asked.

“We both respected each other’s position,” said John. “I knew that she really wanted to have another baby, and she knew that I didn’t. And we knew that each of us was sincere.”

“We prayed for God’s wisdom,” Betsy said. “One day while I was praying, God brought to my mind the story of Abraham offering his son Isaac on the altar to God. I knew that Abraham did that because of his deep love for God. Then a question came to my mind: ‘Do I love John enough to offer my as-yet-unconceived child on the altar?’ I’ve never loved anyone like I love John. He is a wonderful husband and father. I knew that my answer was yes. So I told John about my prayer and what God had brought to my mind, and I wanted him to know that I was willing to not have another child because I loved him so much.”

“I cried like a baby when she told me that.” John said. “Maybe it was the pent-up grief within me, but I sobbed uncontrollably for 30 minutes. I felt so overwhelmed by Betsy’s love. I didn’t say anything that night. I just cried and hugged Betsy. The next day, I went to work and reflected on what had happened. I was overcome by a deep sense of my love for Betsy, and I knew in my heart that I could never deprive her of having another child. I went home that night and told her that I wanted us to have another child. She was confused at first, because she knew how adamant I had been, but before the evening was over, she realized that my heart had sincerely changed and I wanted us to have another baby. So, as you can imagine,” he said, “we’re excited about the baby that is now inside Betsy’s womb.”

I nodded affirmingly as my eyes filled with tears. Finally, when I was able to speak, I said, “I don’t know when I have ever seen such a deep demonstration of love. I think God has great plans for this child.”

Love does not demand its own way but seeks the well-being of the one loved. It is an attitude of love that moves us toward resolving conflicts. The attitude of demanding our own way leads only to arguments.

An attitude of togetherness

In the world of sports, success depends on teamwork. Whether in football, basketball, or auto racing, every team member has a job. When team members coordinate their efforts, they are more likely to meet their goals. Marriage is a team of two: a man and a woman. Marriage is not about “me and my happiness”. Marriage is about two people discovering and accomplishing God’s plans for their lives.

A husband and wife bring an assortment of abilities to their marriage. When they see themselves as team-mates, they realize that their game plan is not to compete against each other but to cooperate. It is this attitude of togetherness that creates a climate in which conflicts can be resolved. Conflicts are inevitable, but if a couple is committed to working together as a team, they can tackle the problem and not each other. An attitude of togetherness says, “We will not let this defeat us. We will find an answer.”

The case of Chuck and Rhonda

Chuck and Rhonda had a major conflict over the behaviour of their two-year-old son, Caleb. Chuck thought that the best way to discipline Caleb was to spank him. After all, that is what his own parents had done with him, and he turned out all right. Rhonda thought that spanking was barbaric. She never remembered being spanked by her parents. My first question was “Do you want Caleb to have two parents or one?”

“Well, two,” said Chuck as Rhonda nodded affirmingly.

“Of course,” I continued. “Do you want each of those parents to do what is right in his or her own eyes, or do you want them to have the same game plan?”

“We’ve got to get on the same page,” Chuck said. “What we’ve been doing is not working. It is destroying our marriage.”

“It tears me apart when he spanks Caleb,” Rhonda said.

“I don’t want him to grow up to be irresponsible,” Chuck said.

“I don’t either,” Rhonda replied.

“The two of you seem to have the same goal in mind,” I observed. “You both want Caleb to grow up to be a responsible young man.” Chuck and Rhonda both nodded in agreement. “The conflict lies in the method of reaching that goal. Can we agree that you are team-mates and not enemies?”

“Lately we’ve been acting like enemies,” Rhonda said, “but I think both of us want to be team-mates.”

“It’s fundamental that the two of you affirm that attitude,” I said, “because if you continue to be enemies, Caleb will likely grow up to be irresponsible. Now, I’d like you to hold hands and repeat after me…”

They both seemed a little shocked, but Chuck reached over and took Rhonda’s hand.

“We are team-mates,” I said.

Chuck and Rhonda repeated, “We are team-mates.”

“Do you believe that?” I asked.

“Yes,” they said in unison.

“Then let’s get started.”

I gave them a reading assignment for the following week. They were to explore how other couples feel about spanking and to discover what child-development experts have written on the subject.

After Chuck and Rhonda did their research and we discussed their findings at some length, Chuck came to understand that there is more than one way to discipline a child, and Rhonda learned that spanking administered in the context of love is not as barbaric as she had assumed. Ultimately, they decided on three levels of response to Caleb’s disobedient behaviour: Level 1 was verbal reprimand; Level 2 was loss of privileges; Level 3 was spanking. They agreed to observe which type of discipline seemed to work best in changing Caleb’s behaviour. They also agreed that they would continue reading and would attend a parenting class for parents of preschoolers that was offered at their church.

It was the attitude of togetherness that provided the foundation on which Chuck and Rhonda were able to build a positive plan of discipline for their son. Without this attitude, they might still have been arguing when Caleb was 12.

We can choose our attitudes

In summary, it is an attitude of respect, love, and togetherness that leads to resolving conflicts. The good news is that we can—and do—choose our attitudes daily. Unfortunately, our default mode is selfishness, which leads us to proclaim, “My way is the right way.” By nature, we are all self-centered, and that is why arguments are so common in marriage. However, we can choose an attitude of respect, love, and togetherness. Many of the couples I have worked with have found it helpful to put the following statements on an index card and post it in a prominent place in order to help them choose a winning attitude each day:

• I choose to respect my spouse’s ideas, even when I disagree with them.
• I choose to love my spouse and do everything I can to help him or her today.

I choose to believe that my spouse and I are team-mates and that with God’s help we can find solutions to our conflicts.

The post How to resolve everyday conflicts in marriage appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

That’s why this article won’t coddle you; it’ll challenge you with some unsettling truth-telling that’s designed to help you transform your attitudes, relationships, habits, and choices. Those changes will help you experience the optimism advantage. But for optimism to work, you have to do the work to think and act differently!

1. Optimists accept that life is difficult

The first truth in the great game of life is worth memorising—life is difficult! So get over it. No sweet-talking politician, fairy godmother, or genie is coming to sprinkle stardust or grant three wishes. Embracing optimism is about embracing self-reliance, personal responsibility, and the work of changing your thought patterns and your actions. It doesn’t mean that you’re denying reality; it’s simply about positively coping with that reality to succeed in the face of life’s challenges.

If you think optimism means adopting a Pollyanna mindset where everything turns out right, then you’ve got the wrong idea. That’s simply self-help hype! Optimism isn’t the same as empty positivity. True optimists have earned their positive attitude from a proven track record of overcoming real obstacles. They did it the old-fashioned way; they earned confidence one obstacle, one challenge, and one victory at a time!

» Life is a self-help project, but you’re not working on it alone

Developing maturity at any age is all about realising that life is essentially a self-help project. Now, that’s a good thing, because it’s your life. How you define success, nurture your own education and career, respond to your problems, and make your choices allows you to shape your life the way you want it lived. That’s both a life-affirming opportunity and a personal responsibility, but, as you realise, it also comes with your share of frustrating challenges. As an optimist, you’d want it no other way.

But optimists are not alone, and neither are you. Contacts in your local community, family, professional network, and fellow members of your faith community can help you make your way on life’s journey. Although all of these people can support you, it’s up to you to develop and tap those resources. Optimists don’t merely settle for the relationships that find them. To claim your own optimism advantage, you need to realise who matters, who never did, who shouldn’t any more, who still does, and who you want to add to your team. The bottom line is simple: Seek out relationships that encourage and support the person you want to be. Self-reliance doesn’t require you to discount or dismiss the importance of others. It’s simply about building healthy relationships that work for both parties. If you give value, you usually get value.

» Choose learned optimism over learned helplessness

Modern-day living has a way of reinforcing how little you control and making it far too easy to become a victim. Victims feel that they can’t do anything to make a difference in what happens to them. Since they have no confidence in their own ability to cope with adversity and earn their own success, they avoid seemingly useless constructive actions, preferring instead to wait for fate to deal its hand. Both their headaches and their happiness come from what happens to them, instead of as a result of their own actions. Victims look for ways to blame those who contribute to their pain.

Optimists are the opposite of victims. With positive attitudes built on a personal track record of overcoming adversity, they believe in their own ability to achieve their goals and overcome whatever obstacles hinder them. When dealt a poor hand, they look for ways to play it well. They take pride in their achievements and look forward to life’s challenges.

The choice is yours. You can trade your victim thinking and learned helplessness for the optimistic attitudes and actions that will help you develop your own resilience, persistence, resourcefulness, and results.

» Star in your own positive soap opera

Unfortunately, claiming your own optimism advantage takes more than the mere decision to do so. It requires a long history of changing how you think and act. This isn’t a movie that’s all wrapped up in a fancy bow in two hours. This is a soap opera, and you’re the only star who counts. Your challenge is to make your life’s soap opera as positive as possible. You’ll want to fill your cast with people who will encourage and support you, and steer clear of those who belittle and doubt you. [Read 10 ways to honour yourself]

Like any soap opera, there’ll be challenges, setbacks, victories, defeats, laughter, tears, joy, grief, record profits, and sizable losses. Your job is to keep making progress in claiming the life you want to live, one day at a time, one choice at a time.

Stop being your own worst enemy and start becoming your own best advocate. Take the time to learn how to trade your negative thoughts and unproductive worries for the positive attitudes and constructive actions that will help you produce winning results.

Find perspective and get on with life

Faced with a diagnosis of Parkinson’s Disease, award-winning actor and author of Always Looking Up, Michael J. Fox had to find a way to accept this painful reality and continue to make the best of his life. When commenting on his optimistic attitude in an ABC special, Michael said, “The answer had very little to do with protection and everything to do with perspective. The only unavailable choice was whether or not to have Parkinson’s. Everything else was up to me. I could concentrate on the loss or just get on with life and maybe see if the holes started filling in for themselves.” Michael’s optimistic journey from adversity to a renewed appreciation for life can be applied to your life as well. As bad as his disease can be, Fox found a way to make it a gift. Taken with the right perspective, even adversity can be a blessing that opens unseen doors and a new appreciation for life. When we are confronted by death, disease, or an accident, the value of a day takes on an entirely new meaning. [Read Finding joy and meaning in everyday life and work]

2. Optimists control what they can, and accept and use what they can’t

Cultivating optimistic attitudes and actions is our focus here, but one of its guiding truths comes from what has been affectionately called the Serenity Prayer, a simple but powerful statement that was written by theologian Reinhold Niebuhr:

“God, give us grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, courage to change the things that should be changed, and the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other.”
Whether you believe in God or not, you can appreciate the value and depth of this statement and the sentiments it promotes. As an optimist in training, you must learn how to accept and maximise your reaction to both the blessings and the adversity that come your way and take responsibility for managing your own motivation, attitudes, and actions in a way that makes a difference to the quality of your life.

» Deal with the hand you’re dealt

Life deals you both bad and good hands. You—and countless others—struggle with the tough times and can easily take for granted life’s many blessings. As an optimist, you’ll learn to play both well.

After all, the bad hands are the ones that tend to get your attention. Everybody has and will continue to experience bad days—an unwelcome diagnosis, a stock market fall, a terminated job, a lost loved one, a game you should have won, personal rejections, customers who go to a competitor, and natural disasters you couldn’t have planned for. You hope for more, but you aren’t thrown by less because we are all in this together.

» Why do bad things happen to good people?

Years ago, a cancer survivor shared with a friend his struggle with the question ‘‘Why me?’’ After a moment’s silence, his friend asked, ‘‘Did you ever think to ask yourself ‘Why not me?’’’ It had never occurred to him to even ask that question.

That question unleashed a liberating insight. He realised that life is neither fair nor unfair; it’s simply life. Bad things can happen to anyone. ‘‘Why me?’’ assumes I should be exempt from the pain everyone else feels. ‘‘Why not me?’’ is humbling and appropriate. It introduces us to the reality that life’s challenges happen to everyone.

Difficult days are facts of life, but learning to deal well with those difficult times can help you become stronger.

» Your choice: victim or resilient survivor

No matter what life deals you, refuse to label yourself a victim! Depending on what has happened to you, you might find it tempting to label yourself as a victim. But allowing yourself to embrace that label can strip you of the will and the positive attitude you need to overcome the adversities you will continue to encounter. Optimists, by definition, refuse to let what happened to them define or limit their lives.

3. Optimists know the importance of good health

As an optimist, you want a body built to last and a quality of life worth living. By taking care of yourself and being responsible for your health habits, you’re more likely to live longer, feel better, and reduce your medical costs. There is also evidence that some health habits have a strong impact on your attitude. Most reputable health organisations have a consistent list of recommendations: get adequate sleep, limit alcohol consumption, and stop smoking.

» Optimists want a body ready for action

On average, people are living longer these days. If you’re like most, it isn’t just the number of years you live that matters to you; it’s the quality of those years. You want to be active for as long as possible, which means that you need a body ready for action. The less healthy you are, the fewer choices you have.

You don’t have to eat perfectly to make a difference in your health and your attitude; the same is true in terms of exercise. I’ve seen myself run, and I’m not going to win any Olympic medals in track. While some individuals have bodies built for athletic excellence and professional-level competition, most of us have a body that, when healthy, can give us the vitality, strength, and mobility we need to live the life we want.

So whether you like your body or not, there is no replacement. Take care of your body, or it just may not take care of you!

4. Optimists embrace action

Optimists cultivate a bias for action. You can’t change what has happened to you, but you can embrace the action imperative and do what you can to invent a better future—starting immediately. Optimism is all about making a move to turn your worries and concerns into constructive action.

The tragedy of life is not how soon it ends, but how long you wait to begin it. To become more optimistic, spend a lot less time ruminating about what has already happened and a lot more time choosing, moving, trying, tasting, experiencing, serving, enjoying . . . living.

» You miss 100 percent of the shots you never take

Hockey great Wayne Gretzky credited one of his early coaches for making him aware of an important truth. After pulling him aside after a difficult loss, the coach said, “You out-skated everyone out there on the ice, but you didn’t take a shot on net. Miss some tomorrow night! You miss 100 percent of the shots you never take.’’ Gretzky took the advice and, of course, went on to be the most prolific scorer in National Hockey League history.

Mistakes and failures are the price you pay for achieving any success. Most success stories involve failures, perseverance, resourcefulness—and, above all, action. True optimists both lose and win more frequently. Failures don’t keep them down for long; they bounce back quickly to get right back in the game. You’ve doubtlessly had your share of failures and setbacks, but that’s the price you pay to lead a life worth living.

Life is all about one day at a time. So today, invest your worry time in constructive action and feel the pride and optimism that purposeful action generates.

5. Optimists dispute catastrophic thoughts

Okay, so you can shape your own circumstance and make your own luck up to a point, but there’s no denying that bad luck does exist. We’ve all had our share of unpleasant days; we’ve all suffered and experienced major disappointments. We’ve had to deal with the pain of loss as well as the random misery that nature can unleash.

Good employees sometimes lose their jobs through no fault of their own, and even the best sales professionals lose their share of sales from time to time. Hurricanes level some homes while leaving others only feet away completely intact. Illness and accidents can take lives seemingly years too early.

The glass sometimes is more than half empty. In the short run, everything doesn’t always happen for the best. But no matter how bad the hand you’re dealt in life, you can still strive to make the best of what happens. Optimists have learned to master the mental and emotional inner dialogue that allows you to do just that. Jeffrey Lawrence Benjamin, author of How to Get What You Want Now, said it well: “The most important things ever said are the things you’ve said to yourself.” However, what you say to yourself in the face of adversity is not always constructive.

» Win the argument with your negative beliefs to change your attitude and your actions

Business philosopher Jim Rohn put it well when he said, “You have to stand guard at the door of your mind.” Essentially, that means being ready to argue with some of your negative beliefs. If your critical thinking habits aren’t helping you get where you want to go, there’s no time like the present to take them on. Martin Seligman, author of Learned Optimism, suggests four ways to make your self-arguments convincing: evidence, alternatives, implications, and usefulness. I’ll add a fifth—faith.

» Evidence—Only the Facts!

Optimists find a centring strength in playing detective. Though many readers are probably too young to have heard of Dragnet’s Joe Friday, this early television character had one simple statement that defined his approach to solving every crime. When he’d take out his trusty notepad to take down information, he’d caution: “Just the facts, ma’am!”

Play your version of Joe Friday in looking at your own beliefs. A patient receiving test results from a biopsy who hears the word ‘cancer’ may react immediately with a frightening belief—‘‘My God, I’m going to die of cancer!’’ Doctors must not only treat the disease but also fight the inaccurate beliefs that can work against the patient’s chances of recovery.

Taking a diagnosis like this well doesn’t mean silence or blind acceptance of fate. Whether at that moment or at the next follow-up visit, the optimist detective is there with pen and paper in hand, armed with important questions to assess the difficulty of the challenge they face: At what stage did we catch the cancer? How aggressive is it? What is the survival rate? What treatments are best in light of my particular situation?

Optimists are realists. An optimistic approach to something devastating—like a cancer diagnosis—does not mean that every patient will beat the disease. But the mere act of engaging in fact-checking can help you tremendously. You change your focus from ruminating and emotional paralysis to a more productive way of viewing the problem—one that may soon translate into more constructive feelings and actions.

» Alternatives—Seek less self-destructive explanations

Optimists are ready to accept non-personal causes that can explain a disappointing result. It is important to accept responsibility when it is appropriate. But instead of always assuming that something is your fault, be ready to entertain a more favourable explanation. For example, after receiving his first territory, a sales representative was eager to make inroads on some new accounts to impress his boss. After being encouraged to send a proposal to a potentially big customer, he told his boss that he anticipated an order later in the week.

The new rep was disappointed and frustrated when the purchaser called and said that they had decided to go with a different vendor. He thought he had handled the call well and deserved the business; he was quick to talk to his boss about the decision. His boss said with a knowing smile, “He does that with every new rep. His brother-in-law is the other vendor. He just uses your proposal to show his boss that he’s open to a competitive bid. As long as he’s married, he isn’t giving us the business. Don’t take every sale personally. It’s often not your fault.” That’s good advice in facing any adversity.

» Implications—Realistic likely consequences

Don’t make any disaster or misfortune worse than it is. Instead of assuming the worst consequences, take a realistic look at the most likely consequences to your setback. Former football coach Don Shula had years of experience behind him when he told his young players, “Keep your perspective. Success is not forever, and failure isn’t fatal.” That’s not just good advice for football, but in the game of life as well.

» Usefulness—Will worry work?

Worry can exact a price that is sometimes worse than adversity itself. Research has shown that merely worrying about an event can be more detrimental to one’s health than actually enduring the event itself. In fact, two University of Michigan studies followed more than 3,000 employed participants for more than two years.

Those who were chronically insecure about losing their jobs reported worse overall health and were more depressed than those who actually lost their jobs. Persistent worry takes its toll on your health and attitude.

If your negative belief is still stubbornly resisting all efforts to minimize its significance and impact, you might need to ask practical questions: Will wasting any more time mulling over this situation produce any long-term value? Will prolonged problem solving get you closer to where you ultimately want to go? If not, it’s time to be practical. It’s time to let it go. Sometimes your goals have changed, and overcoming the problem isn’t even relevant anymore. In short, some problems and disasters are worth leaving in the rear view mirror and moving on.

» Faith—Search for God’s open door

Any discussion on attitude and beliefs would be incomplete without addressing the role that faith plays in coping with adversity for so many people. Self-reliance is a powerful value and an empowering strategy, but it has its limits. You may find support in a shared faith community and comfort by having faith in God’s providence.

The paradoxical advice most often attributed to St. Ignatius provides a powerful insight: “Pray as if everything depends on God. Act as if it depends upon you.” This statement highlights the importance of accepting God’s will while simultaneously working to live out that will. You do what you can and trust that God will do the rest. Faith like this can lead to inner peace and constructive action.

6. Optimists give thanks and express gratitude

We live much of our lives on autopilot. While adversity often gets our attention, the many daily blessings and gifts we experience go by without notice. We seldom take time to even consider the electricity that powers homes and businesses, but when the power is out, we’re quickly reminded of how important it is to our lives. Whether it is love or lights, it is absence that makes the heart grow fonder.

In short, it’s easy to complain about the difficulties and adversity that we face, but far too few of us learn the importance of giving thanks for the many happy accidents and blessings that we experience daily, on and off the job. Those who do are more optimistic and happy. Roman orator and politician Cicero said centuries ago: ‘‘Gratitude is not only the greatest of all virtues, but the parent of all the others.’’

» Avoid pits people and the complain game

Do you know any Pits People? Those are the people with whom every conversation involves some kind of complaining. They simply cannot see the positive aspect of anything—their personal lives, their professional lives, or society overall. “The economy is the pits; this company is the pits. In fact, you’re the pits!” After 30 minutes with a Pits Person, everyone’s morale is sagging.

So don’t get stuck playing the Complain Game; you simply cannot do that and expect to be more optimistic. Start some new habits. Try responding in a more thankful or upbeat way during daily conversations. People will ask you, “How’s it going?” Simply answer, “I’m just blessed out!” [Read So what are you complaining about today?]

Some negative comments are necessary in business and in life, because hidden problems can become big problems. Let these negative people know that your goal is not to eliminate appropriate criticism; you’d just like them to consider adjusting their doses. After all, constant complaining isn’t welcomed on or off the job. Request that they try interjecting a few more compliments about what’s working well, so that others know they are part of the team. We listen to people who can tell the truth about what’s working and what isn’t.

7. Optimists catch themselves being effective

Constructive self-criticism is an important part of life, but so is self-support. Mistakes help you learn what not to do. Acknowledging your successes allows you to reinforce what’s already working. So instead of repeatedly focusing on what’s going wrong, take the optimistic approach and concentrate more intently on your own positives. Take time every day to examine what you’ve done that has contributed to your achievements— both on and off the job. After all, a big part of maintaining a healthy, optimistic perspective in challenging times is managing your own motivation. This requires that you catch yourself being effective. You’ve learned the importance of nurturing gratitude for the happy accidents that happen—those things that you don’t control but can and should appreciate. It is all the more important to appreciate what you do control—the actions that you initiate.

» When you cannot get a compliment any other way, give yourself one

Mark Twain had some excellent advice: “An occasional compliment is necessary to keep up one’s self-respect. . . . When you cannot get a compliment any other way, pay yourself one.” Twain’s words encourage us once again to treat ourselves as we treat people we care about. You shouldn’t take yourself for granted anymore than you would undervalue an associate, friend, or loved one. And while this is easy to state, very few people actually live it. To build a strong and realistic self-confidence, you must develop a habit of recognising your own commendable actions on a daily basis.

This isn’t about feeding a big ego; it’s about becoming aware of your strengths as well as your mistakes. You may be winning and truly not know it—unless you’re keeping score of your own effectiveness.

Unfortunately, it’s far too easy to take yourself for granted. The reason is simply that you’re around yourself all the time. Your own skills and accomplishments are like the pictures you hang on the wall. You enjoy them for a time, but after two weeks of walking by them, you don’t even see them anymore. They become part of your gray zone of unobserved treasures—those things you possess but no longer experience or appreciate. You see them when you move or when new guests point them out when they visit. That’s actually why you have guests—they show you your home! Don’t hide your achievements in that gray zone of hidden treasures. Cultivate your confidence by scheduling time to appreciate yourself in your daily routine.

8. Optimists use humour as an ever-present stress breaker

Humour provides the counterbalance to life’s more sombre moments. It’s your inner upper, your mental recess, your ever-present safety valve, and one of the most effective stress breaks you will ever find.

After one couple managed to escape a raging California fire with nothing but their lives, the husband confided to a reporter, “We’ll be fine. We’ve lost our home, but we’ve got the clothes on our back. We‘ve had to start over before, and we can do it again.”
The reporter was confused as the man’s wife began to laugh and even more perplexed as the husband joined in. The wife—aware that the reporter was unsure of how to proceed in the live, on-scene broadcast—said to the camera, “My husband is right. We had to leave so fast, all we do have is the clothes on our back. Neither one of us have underwear!”

Even the cameraman had trouble keeping the image steady as the crew burst into laughter. Everyone watching was left with the sense that this couple was going to survive their personal catastrophe just fine. In fact, the woman’s humorous comment turned a typical disaster news report into much-needed humour therapy for all those facing the loss of their own property. The reporter ended the coverage with the line, “Looks like I’m the only one here with underwear. Back to you in the studio!” Who would bet against this optimistic couple’s ability to bounce back quickly from their loss? [Read Humour: The key to a long and happy marriage]

Author and professor Norman Cousins observed the following during his own struggle with cancer: “Laughter interrupts the panic cycle of an illness.” While it may not be a cure for cancer, there is some clinical evidence that laughter mobilizes the human body’s defences and reduces pain.

» Take your life and work seriously, but yourself lightly

The safest target for your humour will always be yourself. If you can learn to laugh at your errors, the world will laugh with you—not at you. Only the self-confident can admit their mistakes. Laughing at your own errors will help you let go of mistakes and rebound quicker to get back into the game, and that’s what optimism is all about. We all like to be with people who are comfortable in their own skin—pimples, warts, receding hairlines, and all.

It’s usually a good rule of thumb to take your work and life seriously but yourself—and your problems—a bit more lightly. Just remember, if you laugh at yourself before others do, you win. [Read The spirit of laughter]

» Keep your optimism laced with laughter

Many of your best memories are laced with laughter, so promise yourself that you’ll have more fun in your life and you will become more optimistic. Keep an air of playfulness in everything you do, and take time to laugh and smile daily. After all, when God created Adam and Eve and they ate that apple, he took back the apartment with a view, gave them a baby, and made them work. Then—to keep the whole thing from falling apart—he granted them a sense of humour as a ready sidekick to help them survive.

Final words of advice

Change rarely comes in the form of instant gratification. However, if you’re like most people, you want success yesterday. Television has exposed most of us to more than a million incredibly unrealistic 30- to 60-second solutions. These ads teach us to expect immediate rewards and results, but life teaches us that real solutions take work, persistence, and time.

Be patient but persistent. You don’t know which day and which step will put your goals within reach. Imagine that you’re making the blows to break through a stone wall to reach your goals. Social reformer Jacob Riis described a century ago what it takes to make change work: ‘‘When nothing seems to help, I go and look at a stonecutter hammering away at his rock, perhaps a hundred times without as much as a crack showing in it. Yet at the hundred and first blow it will split in two, and I know it was not that blow that did it, but all that had gone before.’’

Adapted from The Optimism Advantage: 50 simple truths to transform your attitudes and actions into results by Terry Paulson, PhD, published by John Wiley & Sons, Inc. Used with permission.

The post Optimism vs Positivity: 8 powerful truths about why optimism really works appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

And it occurred to me that if all the countless available stress “remedies”—books, videos, drugs, audio tapes, aroma therapy, vibrating chairs, relaxation techniques, programs, devices—are so effective, how come everyone is still stressed out?

The answer is simple. While these methods may help to ease your stress—that is, treat its symptoms—most of them do little or nothing to eliminate the causes, to reverse the stressful habits, attitudes and mindsets you’ve developed over the course of your life.

The solutions mentioned here will give you the tools, motivation and attitude changes you need to root out stress at its very source… on the multiple battlefronts of your life.

It’s time to stop the insanity and take back control of your life. Starting today. Starting now.

30 tools to help you take back control of your life

1. Do one thing at a time

Do it mindfully. Do it well. Enjoy the satisfaction. Then go on to the next thing. That’s the way to take back control of your life — one thing at a time. Multitasking might work for computers, but humans have yet to get the hang of it. A growing body of evidence affirms that trying to accomplish several things at once takes up more time overall than doing them sequentially. It consumes an excessive amount of mental energy, too, so you fatigue more quickly. The lack of focus also leads to careless mistakes, shoddy work and unreliable performance. Worst of all, having to do things over. This is no way to live. Give what you’re doing your undivided attention. Take the time to get it right. You’ll be more productive, and less stressed, in the long run. Why make yourself crazy?

2. Throw something out every day

You’ve got too much stuff in your house. Office. Garage. Attic. Useless clutter that’s weighing you down, getting in the way, obscuring the things you really need. Just looking at the stuff is stressful, to the point where physical clutter soon becomes mental clutter. The problem is getting rid of it. It’s a huge job, so you keep putting it off. But the more you put it off, the more clutter you accumulate… making it an even more humongous task to face. Here’s how to break the cycle. Every day, find one thing you don’t need and toss it. Or give it away. Or sell it at a consignment shop. Be realistic. If you’re not going to use it, lose it. Over time, the clutter will begin to vanish and space and order will magically appear in your home… and your life. Stick with this. It really works. Why make yourself crazy?

3. Cut down on competitive stress

Today, we compete for everything: the space around us, to be first to own a new product, to get our kids signed up for programs, to get our viewpoints across, to be faster, smarter, richer, sexier. Our days are filled with stressful competitions. And most are absolutely unnecessary. Because they’re driven by insecurity, fear of being left behind, an ingrained need to always have more or better than the next guy. If you wish to take back control of your life, try to get above all that. If you want to compete, vie to be the one who stays calm and in control, who isn’t easily sucked in by material things, who avoids being caught up in the daily grab-bag that robs people of health and peace of mind. Compete for that and see how pointless all those other competitions become. And how misguided those who partake in them begin to appear. Why make yourself crazy?

4. It’s not what happens to you, it’s how you react

In any given day, you’ll have progress and setbacks, triumphs and failures. That you can bet on. But as good a day as some people have, they’ll manage to find something to fret about. [“It’s just luck, it won’t last, I’m destined for misery.”] And as bad a day as others have, they’ll see the good in it. [“So what? I’m still alive, still kicking and nothing’s going to stop me”] will win over your day? And the next day? And the next? You have control over that: to enjoy your accomplishments without diminishing them; to accept your failures as opportunities to learn. You have the power to make every day a positive outcome. Because it’s not what happens to you, it’s how you react to it. Why make yourself crazy?

5. Eliminate meaningless deadlines

Our lives have become one long game of beat the clock. Crammed with arbitrary and unrealistic time constraints imposed by ourselves and others that serve only to make us more pressured, anxious and stressed out. For no worthwhile reason. Avoid the trap of assigning time frames to everything you do, especially if you have little idea how long it will take. But, you say, I need a deadline or I simply won’t get around to doing it. If that’s the case, it’s not a deadline you need, it’s a goal. Make your goal one of completing a project in a careful, professional, satisfying manner. In other words, as long as it takes to do it right. Or maybe your goal is to make the project more fun and interesting, or to develop a new and more expedient way of doing it. In any case, save your nerves and your energy for the few real deadlines we face… Why make yourself crazy?

6. Leave a cushion of time between events

Scheduling appointments, meetings, projects, luncheons, and events too closely together is a guaranteed stress fest. It leaves you vulnerable to even the slightest delays, which will occur. You’ll always have one eye on the clock and thus be distracted, rushed and prone to miss things and make mistakes. Be smart. Don’t stack up your events like planes on a runway. Life never works out that efficiently. Spread your schedule out. Always leave sufficient in-between time to allow for any unexpected bumps and delays. It will not go to waste. You’ll be glad to have those breaks to answer phone calls and email messages, take care of incidental things, and prepare yourself for your next event. That extra cushion of time will leave you less frazzled, and more productive, in the long run. Why make yourself crazy?

7. Have backups of essential items in place

So that you never run out of critical oft-used household staples like laundry detergent, milk, deodorant, toothpaste, batteries, or bathroom tissue… employ the buy-two-replace-one method. For example, buy two bottles of mouthwash. That way you’ll have an immediate replacement when the first one is used up, which will give you ample time to buy another before you run out of the second. In order to take back control of your life, make a list of those items it would be more than a little stressful to have to go without—there really shouldn’t be many—and see to it you’ve got both the item and its backup on hand. Why make yourself crazy?

8. Don’t get hung up on product features

The more bells and whistles a product has, the more there is to learn and remember, the more complicated it is to use and the more expensive it is to buy. Save yourself the waste and aggravation of overbuying your need. Get a unit that serves your main purpose simply and economically, with maybe one or two extras you’ll definitely use. Loading up on the latest gimmickery will cost you in more ways than one. There’s nothing more annoying than having to reread instructions every time you use something. Why make yourself crazy?

9. Entrust responsibility to responsible people

There are those who always have a convenient excuse for not getting it right, showing up late or botching the job entirely. And there are those who consistently, effectively and unequivocally come through for you. This isn’t luck. It’s responsibility. Not something you’re born with. Something you do. Responsibility takes effort. Concern. Pride. And perseverance. Whom do you want to entrust your children, your home, your finances, and your other important responsibilities to? Lose the whiners and stick with the winners. Why make yourself crazy?

10. Always view yourself as ahead, not behind

This small change in perspective can alter your approach to everything. When you perpetually see yourself behind schedule, never caught up, forever lacking in something… your emphasis is always on need. And that puts unrelenting, unhealthy pressure on you. But view yourself as ahead of the game [and most of us truly are] and the pressure almost immediately eases, and your needs diminish, because you’re grateful for what you already have. You can move forward confidently from a position of strength, rather than struggle from one of weakness. It’s all in the way you look at it. Why make yourself crazy?

11. Don’t over-volunteer

Resist volunteering for more than you can handle, more than your free time allows. Volunteering is great, but heavy involvement can steal important time from your family and relationships. [And it shouldn’t be used as an excuse to avoid more important obligations.] If the work becomes too demanding, simply say no. Nobody else is going to look out for you better than yourself. If we all “volunteered” to spend more time with kids, visit our parents, make loving homes, and carve out special time for ourselves, there wouldn’t be a need for so much volunteering in the first place. Why make yourself crazy?

12. Accept that people think differently than you do

You could spend your entire life trying to win over people to your point of view. The simple truth is, you won’t. At least, not everyone. Even if you present the most logical, rational, airtight arguments, some people will never see it your way. Maybe they’re proud, stubborn, stupid, or in some people will never see it your way. Maybe they’re proud, stubborn, stupid, or in some instances—did you ever stop to think?—right. If you wish to take back control of your life, don’t waste your time trying to convert the diehards. Instead, work with them, live with them, respect their differences, and be thankful the world isn’t full of people exactly like you. Why make yourself crazy?

13. Don’t say it. Do it

Boasting about the wonderful things you’re going to do for yourself and others can actually be your undoing. For one, now you’re expected to do them. Secondly, if you don’t do them you appear weak, unreliable and irresponsible. If you really want to impress people, don’t reveal what you intend to do… but simply do it. They’ll be surprised and pleased with your accomplishment, and even more moved by your modestly. And if for some reason you can’t get it done, no one will be the wiser. Why make yourself crazy?

14.  Always be equipped for an emergency

This is an important step when you wish to take back control of your life. You only need to do this once. In your car, keep a first-aid kit, jumper cables, flares, flashlight, blankets, and a fire extinguisher. Home: a first-aid kit, fire extinguishers, flashlights, candles, and a portable radio. Sports bag: first-aid kit and instant cold packs. Take the time. Make the investment. Do it today. Even if you never use them, the peace of mind alone is worth the effort and expense. Why make yourself crazy?

15. Don’t look at your crazed schedule in its entirety

It’ll freak you out…like looking over the edge of a steep cliff. You’ll swear you’ll never live through it. And stress yourself big time fretting over it. Calm down. Focus only on what you need to accomplish over the next day or so. Deal with each event as it comes. You’ll find that things have a way of sorting themselves out, refreshing breaks do sometimes open up, and other options will present themselves. Your kitchen calendar [or electronic scheduler] can look far more frightening than it really is. One thing at a time. Why make yourself crazy?

16. Be a slug one day a week

Especially if you’re a jackrabbit the other six. Sleep late. Languish in bed with the newspapers. Don’t answer the phone. Go out for brunch. It’s okay. It’s not a crime. In fact, considering how you normally abuse yourself, it’s downright virtuous. Even better, designate a day the whole family can be slugs. No shuttling the kids around frantically. No social calendar to be slave to. One way to take back control of your life is to just let things happen… lazily and naturally. It will leave you more energized and better prepared to tackle the week ahead. Why make yourself crazy?

17. Don’t let routine tasks become urgent ones

Don’t wait until: you’re out of underwear before you do your laundry; the fridge is empty before you go shopping; the cell phone dies before you recharge it. That routine task will quickly become a critical one at a time when you can least afford to deal with it. And saddle you with exasperating stress when none should exist. Keep tabs on what might soon need attention and take care of it before it rears up and bites up. Why make yourself crazy?

18. Be on time

Lateness can signal a lack of respect for those you keep waiting. At least, that’s how they might view it. However acceptable you think lateness has become, you can bet it still grates on those whose time is compromised. Aside from that, constantly running late is a stress factory. It’ll fry your nerves, make you prone to errors and accidents, weaken your immune system, age you prematurely. Get hooked on the relaxed, liberating feeling of being ahead of schedule. All it takes is planning, practice and empathy for others. Everyone wins when you’re on time. Why make yourself crazy?

19. Make the “I’m running late” phone call

When it’s fairly certain you’re not going to arrive on time, make the call. Let others know in advance you’ll be delayed. It accomplishes several things. You’ll experience an immediate unburdening of stress and a sense of relief. You won’t be keeping people hanging, fuming and wondering where you are. Your alert will allow them to alter their plans accordingly. And by the time you arrive, they will have appreciated your courtesy, adjusted to the situation and be more agreeable with you. So don’t just arrive way overdue and try to minimize it with a trite “Sorry I’m late.” Call ahead and let them know you’re delayed. Why make yourself crazy?

20. Don’t expect gratitude

You may get it, but don’t expect it. Accept that a lot of your good efforts will go unacknowledged. [And your kids will never fully appreciate you until they have children of their own!] Today, people mostly take notice when things go wrong… and take the rest for granted. So rather than repeatedly setting yourself up for disappointment, don’t expect accolades. Do it because it’s right, because it pleases you, because your reward should derive from the fruit of your labours, not the arbitrary whim of disinterested recipients. And when that infrequent expression of thanks does come your way, it will be that much sweeter. Why make yourself crazy?

21. Tell people what you expect of them

How else are they going to know what you want? And how to deliver it? When you’re the boss, the customer, the parent, the teacher… you can’t be vague or timid. You have to be clear, firm and decisive. Don’t be shy about giving orders or afraid you’ll ruffle some feathers. And you have every right, indeed obligation, to give it. You can save yourself and others a lot of frustration when you simply take command and let them know what you expect. Why make yourself crazy?

22. Don’t answer your morning emails right away

Read them, but don’t answer them—unless there’s an immediate fire to put out. They’ll sap your time and the mental energy needed for more important tasks. Save them for later when you need a break. Responding will be easier then, too, since your subconscious will be working on them all the while. [Notice how you instantly know what to say when you revisit them.] Personal messages and jokes can be especially insidious and take a big chunk out of your day. They’re like electronic water coolers. And try not to interrupt your workflow every time a new message arrives. Wait till you’ve got a bunch. The objective here: fewer distractions, more focus, less stress. Why make yourself crazy?

23. Leave yourself an extra day at the end of your vacation

Enjoy a day of transition at home to unpack, read your mail, do your laundry, reconnect with others, catch up on things, or simply relax… before heading back to work. Thrusting yourself right into your busy routine without a breather is asking for the same stress you were trying to escape in the first place. That extra day of reentry and re-acclimation can make a huge difference. Take it. Why make yourself crazy?

24. Don’t be so thin-skinned

Why let an off-the-cuff remark or minor criticism rankle you to the degree it leaves you tense, angry and unable to focus on much else? Develop a hide thick enough so that verbal slights bounce right off and get only the minimal attention they deserve. [Sometimes we misconstrue what was said, too.] Overblown reactions create unnecessary stress and negative energy. To what purpose? You can bet the off-putting remark isn’t bothering the person who delivered it! To take back control of your life, don your emotional flak-jacket and accept that you can’t always please everyone. Why make yourself crazy?

25. Lose that jarring morning alarm

If your alarm clock shocks you out of bed each day with a sudden, loud, jangling noise, you could be doing yourself harm—starting the day with a burst of unwanted stress hormones. Try one of those new wake-up clocks that lift you gently out of sleep with natural sounds like ocean surf, birds, rainfall, or babbling brooks. Some even have pleasant chime sequences that gradually increase in volume. Or wake up to an unobtrusive radio station. Set a melodious rather than dissonant note for the day. Why make yourself crazy?

26. Improve your posture

Try not to slouch. Because when you slouch—for example, slunk low in your office chair, hunched over while walking, or ensconced deeply in the cushions of your couch—it impedes the flow of blood, makes breathing more difficult, contributes to a feeling of stressful incapacity that makes it harder to hoist yourself to a task. Snap to it. Sit up straight. Profit from the energy and alertness of a good healthy posture. Why make yourself crazy?

27. Seek professional help for major stress problems

The stress we deal with here is the everyday stress, the retail stress that we more or less bring on ourselves and thus have the power to eliminate ourselves. But sometimes there are major stressful events in our lives we don’t have control over—an illness, death of a loved one, marriage breakup, loss of a job, depression, abusive relationship—that require the help of a professional therapist. In such cases, don’t put off seeking assistance, or believe that casual stress remedies are going to do the trick. There are people out there who can make an extraordinary difference in helping you get through a difficult time. Seek their counsel; they will help you take back control of your life. Why make yourself crazy?

28. Don’t talk so fast

Have you noticed how much faster the pace of normal conversation is becoming? How we rush our words, leaving no openings, anxious to complete a thought before someone else rushes in? Often having to scold our listeners with “let me finish”? It’s a sign of our hurried times. And as much as fast talking is driven by stress, it can cause stress, too. Rapid speech is highly contagious. It’s less effective, hard to follow and easily misconstrued. No matter how fast the other guy is blathering on, slow down, speak deliberately… replace speed with firmness and clarity. You’ll stay more calm and communicate more forcefully. Why make yourself crazy?

29. Set up a stress relief fund

Put aside some money, and stock it away somewhere in your house where it will be available at a moment’s notice. This is not vacation money, not typical fun money and should not be used capriciously. But when things really start cranking up and you’re all but fried…break into your emergency stress fund. Go out and do something totally unplanned and indulgent. Whether it’s a favourite restaurant, store, nightclub, sporting event, whatever… is up to you. But when things are getting too insane, declare yourself a disaster area and send in some aid. Why make yourself crazy?

30. Alternate mental and physical activities

If you work at a desk all day, don’t sit in front of TV all night. Do something active. If your job is physical, or involves being on your feet or running around, relax and exercise your mind [like reading a book] during the off hours. If our work involves both mental and physical aspects, try alternating the two throughout the day. What this does is add balance and vitality to your life. It’s more energizing, stress-reducing and healthier overall. It’s easy to get stuck in a single monotonous mode—like moving from chair to chair all day—and suppress your other self. It’s essential to exercise both your mind and body. Why make yourself crazy?

The post 30 tools to help you take back control of your life appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

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You had a long day at work and came home exhausted. You got into an argument with your spouse and spent the last hour before you slept looking through your social media feed, filling yourself up with the news that did not matter. You wake up in the morning feeling overwhelmed by another busy day that you are sure will drain your energy. You grudgingly get ready, and as you are having your breakfast, you get a text reminder of the electricity bill that you forgot to pay; the amount seemed to be inordinately high to you. The drive to work takes longer, and you have a review with your boss. You know how it will go!

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Reena turned 34 last week. Her family reminded her that it was time to find a good guy and get married.
“But, where are the good guys? I am done with these mean, lecherous men,” she confided in her best friend.
“Don’t give up. I am sure there is someone who is just right for you. You will find him someday,” her friend consoled her. If I was Reena’s friend, I’d tell her that she will never find a good guy because she only wants the bad ones. No good guy would ever come near her, or even if he does, he will turn into a bad guy!

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Have you ever had these situations in your life or have you seen someone go through them? I am sure you have because the world is full of people who refuse to be happy. Napoleon Hill said in his book Think and Grow Rich, “You can be anything you want to be, if only you believe with sufficient conviction and act in accordance with your faith; for whatever the mind can conceive and believe, the mind can achieve.” Powerful lines; but they raise an even more powerful question. “What is it that you believe in? Where are you putting your faith?”

Your Beliefs Guide Your Brain

If you are sub-consciously thinking about having a bad day or a bad relationship, you will get that! Through the series of events that we encounter in our life, our brain learns what to expect next. The expected event may actually happen or not. But, because our brain expects something will happen in a certain way, we often end up getting the outcomes that we anticipate. Our belief system or the subconscious mind pattern is largely an outcome of a lifetime of conditioning.

I have often noticed that people who are unable to hold on to relationships have had troubled childhoods or similar painful experiences in the past. Over the years, they develop a belief which guides them towards relationships which do not last. With each bad experience, the belief gets strengthened, and even before they meet the next person, the subconscious mind starts sending warning signals. These signals are strong because they originate from the instinct to survive and protect yourself. Your body responds immediately to these signals, and even before something good could have begun, things collapse.

The same thing happens with people who have a terrible relationship with money. How often have we come across people who, despite having all the great ideas, resources and support, keep losing money in business? It is simply because their mind is conditioned to believe that they can never earn or save enough money and that being rich or abundant is not meant for them. They get what they expect.

People who carry the heavy baggage of limiting beliefs from their past often have a very pronounced flight or fight response. Their primary response to any new situation, even though it may hold potentials of vast happiness, is to look for survival first. Their survival belief system has become so strong over the years that they would choose anything but success or happiness as long as they can keep themselves in the state of survival, inertia and stagnancy. Have you ever seen a leader in any walk of life operating with this instinct?

How Should You Break the Habit of Being Yourself

Dr. Joe Dispenza in his book Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself mentions that the only habit that we need to break in order to have the life we truly desire is the habit of being ourselves. What does this mean? Dr. Dispenza explains that our thoughts are very powerful as they make us respond in certain ways. Our thoughts create the feelings and emotions that we feel within our body. For instance, thoughts of fear create an emotion of nervousness, and our body starts to respond—we feel dryness in our throat, and perhaps, we start to palpitate. If fear becomes our dominant thought pattern, we will end up feeling nervous and anxious far more often. Over time, being nervous or anxious would become our temperament, and eventually, it would become our personality.

I am sure you have seen people around you who are almost perpetually nervous and anxious. They have sweaty palms or short breath or a suspicious gaze, and they avoid interacting with you and other people. Such people are so deeply in control of their subconscious mind which makes them behave this way. It has become their personality.

What Thoughts Are Shaping Your Life

Ask yourself. What are your dominant thoughts? If there are certain things in your life that never work out like relationships, health or money, then what is the underlying thought pattern that is making you believe that you can never get those things? Where did it come from? When was the first time you started feeling like that? Perhaps, it was some event from your childhood that left a deep and yet unknown impact on your mind. Finally, have you allowed that thought to shape and change your personality?

As I coach or generally observe people around me, I have come to believe that one thing that stops us from being successful is our limiting subconscious thought pattern. I have worked with people who understand everything that they hear and read. They agree with the concept of building awareness and clarity in life, and the importance of taking action. Yet, when I meet them a few weeks or months later, they tell me that they have not progressed.

It is deeply frustrating for them as it is disappointing for me as their coach. But, the reason is simple. My method of teaching is based on three broad pillars – Awareness, Attraction and Action. Attraction is the concept that we are learning now. It is the bridge between awareness and action. If the bridge has poor foundations, it will eventually break. It can’t handle the positive energy that needs to travel between the points where you become aware and the point where you have to take determined action.

Failure comes swift in such cases, and with every failure, comes a deeper loss of faith in self. Dr. Joe Dispenza says that in order to get past the habit of being yourself, you have to ‘think greater than you feel’. This means that we have to stop thinking in our old, habitual way and initiate a new belief system that is in harmony with our highest purpose and vision.

How Do We Do It?

To bring about this shift in our thought pattern we must change the beliefs that remain stored in our subconscious mind. It means that we must become aware of the limiting or self-defeating thoughts that are hindering our growth. Becoming aware entails far more than just ‘knowing’ what those thoughts are. It actually means that we also become aware of how our body reacts to those thoughts, what actions do we take or do not take as a result of these limiting thoughts and what outcomes do we eventually get. As you do this deep inner inspection of your own thought pattern, you will start to recognize the futility of such self-defeating thoughts. You will also become aware of the fact that the things that you fear or doubt are often unfounded and they actually never manifest.

The next stage of starting to think greater than you feel is to make a conscious effort to replace your limiting thought pattern with more powerful thoughts. It is almost equivalent to replacing infected files in the computer with a fresh set of files. This may take time, but this is the most important work that you can ever do for your own good.

Use Meditation As a Tool to Changing Your Habits

One effective way of breaking the habit of thinking negatively is to meditate each day. In a guided meditation that I help my participants to do, we first build deep awareness of our limiting thoughts. We remind ourselves of what those thoughts do to our body. Then, we start visualizing how we really want to think and feel. When we meditate with the highest vision in our mind, we start becoming aware of the thought pattern we need to imprint in our brain. These are the supportive and empowering thoughts that are needed for the vision to turn into reality. Eventually, in the course of this meditation, we envision living our life to our highest potential. It is at this stage that we begin to reap the benefits. This is where we start to replace the corrupted or redundant files in our brain with a fresh set of files.

When done over a period of time, this meditation can be incredibly powerful. As new thoughts start replacing the old ones, we no longer feel the same way as we used to in the past, and with time, we start to develop a new personality. Dr Joe Dispenza says that our personality defines our personal reality, and that is what we must strive to do.

The post How to Change Your Limiting Subconscious Thought Pattern appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles.” (Matthew 5:38-41) 

Moses was the first to say, eye for eye, and tooth for tooth. This was not a prescription for revenge, but for curbing our natural reactions. Instinctively, we take two eyes for one, two teeth for one. We don’t want equal justice, we want to punish, to extract more from them than they took from us. Here Jesus raises the bar of love to extraordinary heights, commanding not only that we love enemies, but also that we actively seek their good. Lest we miss the point, he mentions the legal right of a Roman soldier to force a person to take his pack one mile. Not only are we to take the pack, we are to offer to take it a second mile. Instead of exacting twice the revenge, we are to give twice the love.

We don’t stop loving difficult people, we just love them differently—without words. Switch to deeds, give the person a little Space, and wait for God to work. He can put together what we can’t. To explain this characteristic of love, Jesus points to God, who gives indiscriminately. He says:

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy. But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.” (Matthew 5:43-45) 

Jesus practiced what he preached here. He even loved the people who killed him. When the soldiers are nailing him to the cross, Jesus actively seeks the welfare of the Roman soldiers by erasing their debt through forgiveness. He says, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34). The Greek indicates that Jesus kept on saying, “Father, forgive them.” 

Bitterness dies, peace ensues

Is Jesus a masochist? That kind of love sounds crazy. Won’t we open ourselves up for more hurt? No. Think about it. There are two problems with enemies. What they did hurts, and as we obsess about what they did, bitterness sets in like a claw in the brain. We become so focused on the hurt that we don’t notice the bitterness slowly eating away at us—like cancer of the soul. Bitterness quietly transforms us so we become just like our enemy.

Jesus’ command to love your enemies takes the energy out of bitterness. Instead of plotting revenge, we plan how to do them good. We reflect on their needs and how to help. The Roman soldier is tired, so we offer to take the pack a second mile. We love him where he’s weak. Love like this takes our own heart by surprise and healing begins. Bitterness dies for lack of fuel.

Love also breaks the cycle of evil, keeping us from becoming like the enemy. Instead we become like Jesus—free—no longer controlled by the other person’s evil. What’s more, love unnerves an enemy, throwing him off guard. But best of all, it makes room for God’s justice and mercy. To love an enemy means to trust that God is far more effective than I am. It takes faith to love.

During World War II Gandhi ceased confronting the British, his enemy, and supported their war effort, actively seeking their good. The result? Only a few years later, British opposition to India’s independence collapsed. Love was too powerful.

Jesus’ teaching to “love your enemies” reflects the ancient Jewish prophecy that the Messiah would be a “Prince of Peace” (Isaiah 9:6-7). It also fleshes out his words, “Blessed are the peacemakers.” By loving our enemies, by taking the beam out of our own eye, we become a peacemaker.

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A real education will not teach you to compete; it will teach you to cooperate. It will not teach you to fight and come first. It will teach you to be creative, to be loving, to be blissful, without comparing yourself to others. It will not teach you that you can be happy only when you are the first—that is sheer nonsense. You can’t be happy just by being first, and in trying to be first you go through such misery that by the time you become the first you are habituated to misery.

By the time you become the president or the prime minister of a country you have gone through such misery that now misery is your second nature. You don’t know now any other way to exist; you remain miserable. Tension has become ingrained; anxiety has become your way of life. You don’t know any other way; this is your very lifestyle. So even though you have become the first, you remain cautious, anxious, afraid. It does not change your inner quality at all.

A real education will not teach you to be the first. It will tell you to enjoy whatever you are doing, not for the result, but for the act itself. Just like a painter or a dancer or a musician…

There’s no virtue in competition

You can paint in two ways. You can paint to compete with other painters; you want to be the greatest painter in the world, you want to be a Picasso or a Van Gogh. Then your painting will be second-rate, because your mind is not interested in painting itself; it is interested in being the first, the greatest painter in the world. You are not going deep into the art of painting. You are not enjoying it, you are only using it as a stepping-stone.

You are on an ego trip, and the problem is that to really be a painter, you have to drop the ego completely. To really be a painter, the ego has to be put aside. Only then can existence flow through you. Only then can your hands and your fingers and your brush be used as vehicles. Only then can something of superb beauty be born.

Real beauty is never created by you but only through you. Existence flows; you become only a passage. You allow it to happen, that’s all; you don’t hinder it.

But if you are too interested in the result, the ultimate result—that you have to become famous, that you have to be the best painter in the world, that you have to defeat all other painters hitherto—then your interest is not in painting; painting is secondary. And of course, with a secondary interest in painting you can’t paint something original; it will be ordinary.

Ego cannot bring anything extraordinary into the world; the extraordinary comes only through egolessness. And so is the case with the musician and the dancer. So is the case with everybody.

Let go and be in the flow

In the Bhagavad Gita, Krishna says: Don’t think of the result at all. It is a message of tremendous beauty and significance and truth. Don’t think of the result at all. Just do what you are doing with your totality. Get lost in it, lose the doer in the doing. Don’t “be”– let your creative energies flow unhindered. That’s why he said to Arjuna: “Don’t escape from the war… because I can see this escape is just an ego trip. The way you are talking simply shows that you are calculating, you are thinking that by escaping from the war you will become a great saint. Rather than surrendering to the whole, you are taking yourself too seriously– as if there will be no war if you are not there.”

Krishna says to Arjuna, “Just be in a state of let-go. Say to existence, ‘Use me in whatever way you want to use me. I am available, unconditionally available.’ Then whatsoever happens through you will have a great authenticity about it. It will have intensity, it will have depth. It will have the impact of the eternal on it.”

Jesus says: Remember, those who are first in this world will be the last in the kingdom of God, and those who are the last will be the first. He has given you the fundamental law– he has given you the inexhaustible, eternal law: Stop trying to be the first. But remember one thing, which is very much possible, because the mind is so cunning it can distort every truth. You can start trying to be the last– but then you miss the whole point. Then another competition starts: “I have to be the last”– and if somebody else says, “I am the last,” then the struggle, the conflict, begins again.

I have heard a Sufi parable:

A great emperor, Nadirshah, was praying. It was early morning; the sun had not yet risen, it was still dark. Nadirshah was about to start the conquest of a new country, and of course he was praying to God for his blessings, to be victorious. He was saying to God, “I am nobody. I am just a servant– a servant of your servants. Bless me. I am going on your behalf, this is your victory. But I am a nobody, remember. I am just a servant of your servants.”

A priest was also by his side, helping him in prayer, functioning as a mediator between him and God. And then suddenly they heard another voice in the darkness. A beggar of the town was also praying, and he was saying to God, “I am nobody, a servant of your servants.”

The king said, “Look at this beggar! He is a beggar and saying to God that he is nobody! Stop this nonsense! Who are you to say your are nobody? I am nobody, and nobody else can claim this. I am the servant of God’s servants– who are you to say that you are the servant of his servants?”

Now you see? The competition is still there, the same competition, the same stupidity. Nothing has changed. The same calculation: “I have to be the last. Nobody else can be allowed to be the last.” The mind can go on playing such games on you if you are not very understanding, if you are not very intelligent.

To be competitive is ugly, violent

Never try to be happy at the expense of another man’s happiness. That is ugly, inhuman. That is violence in the true sense. If you think you become a saint by condemning others as sinners, your saintliness is nothing but a new ego trip. If you think you are holy because you are trying to prove others unholy… That’s what your holy people are doing. They go on bragging about their holiness, saintliness. Go to your so-called saints and look into their eyes. They have such condemnation for you! They are saying that you are all bound for hell; they go on condemning everybody. Listen to their sermons; all their sermons are condemnatory.

And of course you listen silently to their condemnations because you know that you have made many mistakes in your life, errors in your life. And they have condemned everything– so it is impossible to feel that you can be good. You love food, you are a sinner. You don’t get up early in the morning, you are a sinner; you don’t go to bed early in the evening, you are a sinner. They have arranged everything in such a way that it is very difficult not to be a sinner.

Yes, they are not sinners. They go early to bed and they get up early in the morning… in fact, they have nothing else to do! They never commit any mistakes because they never do anything. They are just sitting there almost dead. But if you do something, of course, how can you be holy? Hence for centuries the holy man has been renouncing the world and escaping from the world, because to be in the world and be holy seems to be impossible.

My whole approach is that unless you are in the world, your holiness is of no value at all. Be in the world and be holy! We have to define holiness in a totally different way. Don’t live at the expense of others’ pleasures– that is holiness. Don’t destroy others’ happiness, help others to be happy– that is holiness. Create the climate in which everybody can have a little joy.

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We see that these character traits represent our more primitive, primordial side—that side of our nature whose main purpose was to ensure our physical survival in earlier times. At the same time, we need to understand that some of these same character traits serve a useful purpose and can be the basis for good today. Here are the 10 characteristics:

The 10 primordial human traits

We are all ambitious. We want to advance—be more, do more, have more and better, whether wealth, fame, or respect.

We are all opportunistic. We tend to take advantage of situations to further our own self-interest.

We are all stubborn. We are obstinate; we refuse to listen or comply, preferring to stick with the status quo.

We are all ignorant. We don’t know all there is to know about any one thing in particular or about most things in general, and never will. Hence, each of us lives our life in a huge void of uncertainty. We don’t know who we are, why we’re here, where we came from, or where we’re going. It’s no wonder, then, that we live according to something we are not.

We are all greedy. We have an excessive, even compulsive, desire to have or acquire; we want more than we need or deserve.

We are all lazy. We have a tendency to put in the least effort to get the most results.

We are all fearful. We have a preoccupation, a concern, a feeling of anxiety, apprehension, or agitation, sometimes even terror, relating to danger, evil, or pain, whether imaginary or real.

We are all selfish. We put our own interests first, well ahead of others, to an extent that is neither fair nor right nor moral.

We are all vain. We have and project an excessively high regard for ourselves: our ideas, our opinions, our abilities, our appearance, our possessions, and so on.

We are all vengeful. We want to return an injury for an injury by inflicting punishment and pain on others for what they have done to us.

If you are offended by this list, as some might be, just ask yourself: “Have I ever exhibited this particular quality at least once in my life? Have I ever been ambitious, opportunistic, stubborn, ignorant, greedy, lazy, tearful, selfish, vain, or vengeful at least once?” I already know your answer. Now we both know that each of these qualities is in you [indeed, in varying degrees in everyone], whether you want to admit it or not.

Beyond selfish motives

So how could some of these characteristics serve us and be the basis for good? How could they add to the collective wellness and benefit humankind? Well, you could he ambitious, opportunistic. and stubborn, and use these same characteristics to help others live healthier, longer, and more productive lives. Think of all the medical researchers who have spent years—sometimes their entire careers—to come up with clues for debilitating diseases such as diabetes, tuberculosis, and leprosy. Or inventors—where would our society be today without modern telecommunications and transportation equipment and systems? Whether modern agricultural practices, new medical devices, or new materials, all were developed to serve a very real need (although in some cases, simple greed may have been a motivating factor as well). And characteristics such as ambition, opportunism. and stubbornness will continue to drive people to use their ingenuity, creativity, and innate intelligence to better the human condition.

When other, totally selfish motives are at play, however, you need to ask the question “Why?” Why have you exhibited many or all of these traits at one time or another in your life, albeit some more frequently and more passionately than others? Specifically, what is your personal pain story—your justification or rationalization for acting this way?

May I introduce to you—the ego! The ego’s power and influence over the way you think has been at work since the beginning of human history. Simply stated, it owns you, or at least it thinks it does. And most of us would have to readily agree because we haven’t seriously considered the possibility of something else as the driving force in our life.

For example, you think, feel, and do each day without really understanding the force or forces that are directing all of this; in many cases, you do whatever you do instinctively and just hope for the best. The ego represents an elaborate belief system that is in your genetic makeup, your DNA, that first and foremost has said to you and is still saying today, “Survive! Look out for number one! Nothing is more important than your personal safety, comfort, and welfare!” And survive both you and I did. But how much longer our species will survive in the way it is currently going about it is perhaps the more pressing question.

The ego’s rationale

To know you must survive implies you must be at risk. If you think you are at risk, you come to believe you must compete. [Sure, it’s a struggle, but what choice do you have?] In order to compete, you must be prepared to fight or flee. If you fight, you might lose; if you flee, you might be caught. Fear, then, is one of the main driving forces behind a lot of what you think, feel, and do.

After telling you to survive, the ego then directs you to move up the ladder to the next level and instructs you to:

• seek safety, security, and freedom from fear;
• seek acceptance, friendship, and love by associating and fraternizing with others;
• seek recognition, status, and self-respect; and finally
• prove to yourself and others that you are unique, capable, and worthy of high achievement.

Having gotten you this far, the ego tells you with great fanfare that you have finally “made” it; you are now on top of the world! And it takes full credit for getting you there! This scenario loosely describes Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of human wants and needs as first postulated in his book Motivation and Personality (1954).

Beyond self-actualization

The ego in you is always focused on building up the ego for the ego’s sake (i.e., selfish concern for me) and is totally incapable of considering more altruistic pursuits (i.e., unselfish compassion for others). Its primary goals are twofold: self-aggrandizement and survival. This must be kept top of mind when considering how the ego works. In other words, it is enemy number one (in the sense that it wants to control and direct all your thoughts, feelings, and actions) and must be recognized as such.

Maslow’s ideas are usually depicted as part of a large pyramid with live distinct levels: Physiological needs are at the very bottom, rising to safety needs, social needs, self-esteem needs, and ending with self-actualization needs at the top. Maslow’s theory in this regard is central to helping us understand our basic desires and motives for wanting more in our life. In this regard, the key question we must always ask is: “What is my real motivation for wanting more?” Is it simple self-interest (selfishness) or society’s general welfare (selflessness)? Or can the former also lead to the latter? Hmmm. What do you think as it applies to what you are trying to accomplish in your life?

Later in life, Maslow postulated that his pyramid shouldn’t stop at self-actualization needs at the very top, that in fact there is another key factor he had unwittingly left out. This he called transcendence, meaning the spiritual level that transcends the purely physical world. Maslow’s transcendence level recognizes our natural desire to act morally and ethically with compassion, humility, empathy, kindness, tolerance, benevolence, and generosity. Without taking into account this spiritual or trans-egoic side to our nature, he felt we are simply living as instinct-driven animals or pre-programmed machines.

How the belief in separation arose

An important factor that initially gave credibility and power to the ego, and continues to do so today, is that you were born as a single entity. You discovered that you came in a certain “package” or container, so to speak: a body with finite walls that were made of soft, delicate skin. You arrived in this body very much separate from everything and everyone else. Quite quickly—in fact instantly—you also found yourself all alone. This, at a time when you were the youngest, weakest and most vulnerable, is a very scary realization indeed!

But it gets even worse. Your actual physicality—your physical form—allows you to use only physical sensors to perceive what you see as only a physical world. Now, as you look out and observe all that is going on around you, your separateness is confirmed: Yes, you are separate; yes, you are alone; yes, you are at risk; yes, you must compete; yes, you must fight; and yes, there is good reason to be afraid. (Yes, those train tracks do come together somewhere off in the distance!) We are all wired—7 billion-plus people—to think this way; we are all driven instinctively to want more and more out of life, and eventually get to the so-called “top.” Knowing this, should it be any surprise that there are so many problems in the world?

The ego evolved as a necessary survival mechanism for individual human beings during the long and arduous course of human history. And it did its job very well, at least for those of us who are here today. The irony is that now it has become more of a death wish. As such, we must find ways to overcome or transcend it, not just tame it or try to control it, as it now clearly threatens both our individual and collective selves.

As we humans develop more and more efficient and innovative ways of killing each other [i.e., IEDs, cluster bombs, and unmanned, missile carrying aerial drones], and more and more invasive ways of degrading, indeed raping, the planet [i.e., open-pit mining, clear-cutting forests, and bottom-trawling the ocean floor], there is an urgency today that has never been greater in history. Whether we are able to change our ways. to rise above our destructive nature, only time will tell. Many think it is already too late.

Our true nature

We have previously described the 10 character traits that are a product of the ego, or are at least closely connected to it. In contrast, consider other traits that are beyond the ego, in fact unknown to the ego, examples of what we will call supreme virtue. They are prime examples of our true Nature. It may be that we don’t see them on display in the world as often as we would like but when we do, we usually take special notice of them. [Here, the late Nelson Mandela comes to mind.] These traits or qualities go by such names as honor, respect, compassion, empathy, humility, honesty, truthfulness, virtue, courage, industriousness, justice, righteousness, fairness, generosity, service, responsibility, forgiveness, mercy, and unconditional love.

This list is by no means complete but it’s a good beginning. Let’s see what each of them means.

10 traits of supreme virtue

1. Honor: A keen sense of right and wrong; adherence to actions and principles that are considered right.
2. Respect: To feel or show honor or esteem for others; consider or treat others with deference or courtesy.
3. Compassion: To feel sorrow or deep sympathy for the troubles or suffering of others, with an urge to help.
4. Empathy: The projection of one’s own personality into the personality of another in order to understand him better; intellectual identification of oneself with another.
5. Humility: The state or quality of being humble of mind or spirit; absence of pride or self-assertion.
6. Honesty: Refraining from lying, cheating, or stealing; being truthful, trustworthy, and upright.
7. Truthfulness: Sincerity, genuineness, honesty; the quality of being in accordance with experience, facts, or reality.
8. Virtue: General moral excellence; right action, and thinking; goodness of character.
9. Courage: The ability to face anything recognized as dangerous, difficult, or painful; quality of being fearless or brave.
10. Industriousness: The putting forth of earnest, steady effort; hardworking; diligent.

We now see how you can live authentically, meaning in a genuine and real way as opposed to a false and hypocritical way. You need only manifest the divine essence that is within you. To live authentically is to live in agreement with fact or actuality, in a manner that is consistent with who and what you are. When you are authentic, and only when you are authentic, can you be useful to a higher cause; in other words, play this game called life with much more insight, much more skill, and much more passion. This involves love: love of self, love of others, and love for all things, both animate and inanimate.

The only alternative is to stay trapped into trying to prove to the world that you are a “somebody,” indeed a special somebody. The irony is that you don’t even know who this somebody is that you are pretending to be. It’s like every day is Halloween and you don a different costume that you think best suits the occasion: “Hey, do you like me like this? No? Then how about this? Or this? Or this? Please, like some version or variation of me!”

Hypocrite means:

1. an actor, one who plays a part;
2. a pretender; an imposter;
3. a person who pretends to be what he is not;
4. one who pretends to be better than he really is or pious, virtuous, etc., without really being so.

Are you living a lie?

When you live thinking you are a human being having an occasional spiritual experience, (for example, adopting virtuous behavior only when it suits you and the circumstances), you have to ask yourself, “Am I really what I pretend to be?” In other words, is being spiritual only a part-time job?” At a deep, subconscious level, you know you are not; you are living falsely, dishonestly, and inconsistently. In fact, you are living a lie.

Yes, a lie that you have been led to believe by authority figures, caretakers and well-wishers of all kinds who constantly told you to do this but do not do that; believe this but do not believe that; act like this but do not act like that; go to this church but do not go to that church; enjoy doing this but do not enjoy doing that, etc. And you have never seriously questioned all of their dictates. These people, after all, were much older and wiser than you, and supposedly had your best interests in mind; shouldn’t they know?

All professional actors live a lie when they perform on a stage and take on the persona of someone they are not. And it is an extremely difficult and stressful undertaking, to which most would readily attest. Now consider spending all of your waking moment pretending you are someone you know you are not. This results in a serious case of cognitive dissonance: You are aware there is a disconnect. You say to yourself, “I don’t like this game; I’m not very good at playing this game; I don’t want to continue playing this game.” You show your displeasure by resorting to the usual primitive behaviors that result from disappointment, frustration, and anger: you lash out, you criticize, and you complain. Yes, you demonstrate all the usual mean-mindedness, even invectiveness, that is indicative of the fact that you are not happy.

Happiness isn’t a by-product

Everyday happiness is defined as having, showing, or causing a feeling of great pleasure, contentment, joy, or gratification. And for many, to be happy is the primary purpose of life. But real, authentic happiness is not fleeting, nor is it something that can be had indirectly. Rather it is the result of a deep knowing that comes from being and doing what is in accordance with who and what you are. It’s when you are in a state of continuous validation of your very essence, living as your true Self.

In other words, authentic happiness is not a by-product of something else. You cannot buy it, steal it, eat it, drink it, or touch it as an entity in its own right as many thieves, con artists, fast food addicts, alcoholics, drug addicts, and sex addicts would have you believe. It can be had only directly, with no strings attached. Happiness is an energy and a force, and not a result of anything physical in the world. You can never hope to put your hands around it, caress it and say, “Wow! Look: I finally have this thing called happiness.”

Here is a keen observation by popular American singer and comedian Margaret Young (1891–1969): “Often people attempt to live their lives backwards: they try to have more things or more money, in order to do more of what they want, so they will be happier. The way it actually works is the exact reverse: You must first be who you really are, then do what you need to do, in order to have what you want.”

Consider these words by Lama Surya Das in his book Awakening the Buddha Within (1997) about how to move beyond your first impulse, the ego: “As you walk the inner path of awakening, recognize that it is most definitely a heroic journey. You must be prepared to make sacrifices, and yes, you must be prepared to change. Just as a caterpillar must shed its familiar cocoon in order to become a butterfly and fly, you must be willing to change and shed the hard armor of self-centered egotism. As compelling as the inner journey is, it can be difficult because it brings you face to face with reality. It brings you face-to-face with who you really are.”

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