10 Steps to Be Happy Now

1. Put yourself first

Are you a busy parent, running around after your children and/or partner, ensuring everyone is happy, while neglecting your needs? Are you working tirelessly to earn more money, yet isolating yourself and giving up on your hobbies? Many place others first, thinking this is unselfish. However, this is the fast track to frustration, anger and resentment, especially on challenging days. Happy and successful parents, partners and workers, ensure they have a balanced life, including fun pursuits, socialising, rest and work. Be kind to yourself by doing what makes you happy every day. It is your life… so do not put yourself last. What do you feel like doing right now?

2. Be grateful

Although it’s hard to look at the wonderful things in life when you are feeling low, it is necessary. List the things you are grateful for and watch how your mood changes; it is all about transforming your mindset. Make it your new habit to list five things you are grateful for, every day, from small to large. By the law of attraction, you will attract more good into your life, improve your circumstances, and opportunities, when you spend the majority of your time focussed on the positive. Have you made your “grateful list” today?

3. Plan fun moments

It is essential to remain focussed on the present moment, but if your life is currently challenging, traumatic or filled with grief, you may need a break from this moment by creating wonderful future moments. You could plan a family holiday, a weekend getaway, a romantic dinner or a night out to a concert. Be kind to your future self and plan exciting adventures, fun days and opportunities to create wonderful memories. What wonderful experiences are you currently looking forward to?

4. Change your thoughts to positive

Are many of your thoughts negative? Automatic thoughts are commonly triggered by belief systems in your subconscious about yourself, circumstances and relationships. These core beliefs may be negative, causing your thoughts to be self-defeating. Be prepared to listen to your thoughts and argue with yourself. Does this thought need challenging? Am I jumping to conclusion? Is this black and white thinking? [i.e. something is either all wrong or all right] Negative thinking is simply a habit. Think of your mind as a television remote control, and then keep switching from the negative thoughts channel to the positive thoughts channel. You may use self-affirming statements such as: I will feel better tomorrow. This situation is temporary. By using thought swapping strategies, and self-affirming statements, you positively influence your thoughts, core beliefs and mood. You cannot stop your thoughts, but you can swap your thoughts. Have you been listening to your thoughts today?

5. Improve brain chemistry

Antidepressants often improve depression by changing the balance of neurotransmitters in the brain, such as serotonin and dopamine. Did you know that you can help your body improve these same neurotransmitters? Avoiding processed foods, and instead, eating whole foods such as quality carbohydrates, proteins, fruits, vegetables and raw nuts is thought to increase serotonin levels, reducing your risk of depression. Exercise releases endorphins, which elevate mood and increase your emotional resilience. Exercise often decreases the stress hormone, cortisol. High cortisol levels are believed to be a contributing factor in ill health, mood swings, weight gain, and depression. Therefore, exercise and healthy eating can assist you in the fight against depression, sickness, and the dreaded sad days. Have you scheduled healthy eating and regular exercise into your routine?

6  Reward yourself

What do you love doing? Do you love sitting in the sun reading magazines? How about a long drive to a hill station? Perhaps you love going on picnics, enjoying long bubble baths, or watching a movie. Is time in the garden your escape from life? Or do you prefer sitting with friends, eating takeaway foods, while watching the sun set? Whatever you love doing, do it; don’t deprive yourself. It is essential to reward yourself, especially on those sad days. What are your three favourite ways to reward yourself?

7. Sit in the sun

Sitting in the sun, even for a few minutes per day, can improve mood, positive brain chemistry, and vitamin D levels. When you feel unhappy, stressed, agitated, or even depressed, spend 15 minutes in the sun, and enjoy all the benefits of nature’s vitamin tablet. Relax, feel rejuvenated, and feel more grounded again, after some time in the sun… ready to face even the most complex of issues. Do you have a special place where you like to sit in the sun and relax?

8. Listen to music

Next time you wish to escape your troubles, grab your headphones, turn your favourite music on, and have a mini party. Music has the magical ability to transport your emotions to another place, making music a natural healer. So, if you want to forget your troubles dance or sing to your favourite songs. If you are grieving, and may need to cry, put the sad songs on, and give yourself permission to grieve. Tears that are “stuck” magnify your emotions, so allow the tears to flow. Bring a little magic to your day, or experience some of your deepest feelings, by allowing music to guide you. How have you incorporated music into your daily routine?

9. Meditate

Calm the mind, re-focus the thoughts, and feel peaceful again, with some guided meditation, using a CD or download. Regular meditation has been shown to improve brain function and health of the body. Scientific research suggests that long-term meditation thickens grey matter, and the number of folds in the cortex of the brain. This area is believed to play a role in thought, attention and memory. Accordingly, we can assume that to feel more in control of our mind, emotions, and health, we need to meditate regularly. Can you image how your life would improve with regular meditation?

10. Take a break

Sad or low energy days give us the chance to stand back from the frantic pace of life, and reflect on our goals. When we become fatigued, saddened or ill, we may find ourselves working less, yet having more time to reflect. Ask yourself: What is working in my life? What is not? Most of us do not stop enough and actively plan the life we want; we can find ourselves re-acting to life, instead of being pro-active. Have a daily break and remain rested and focussed. Give yourself permission to stop your usual activities, and ponder. Have you incorporated daily breaks into your schedule?

You have the ability to help yourself through these challenging days, with these ten steps. Put the power back in your hands. Keep asking yourself: What do I feel like doing right now? Change your day; change your life… start by changing this moment and be happy now. And if your sad days persist, you may have depression, unresolved grief, or anxiety; if so, please consult a doctor, psychologist or counsellor.

The post 10 Steps to Be Happy Now! appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

What anxiety feels like

Your heart races; you get the sweats; your mind is uncontrollable, racing or forgetful; it’s difficult to concentrate. Your adrenal glands work overtime and you frequently have a “fight and flight” reaction. You feel as if at any moment you could malfunction or explode, so you avoid situations and people. Your emotions are out of control; the panic overcomes you and you may feel disconnected from your surroundings, dizzy, sick in the stomach, or have chest pains. Your sleep and appetite are disrupted, leaving you feeling unwell and exhausted. You get the drift…

How anxiety affects your life

Anxiety may impact your work, your relationships, your belief in yourself, and your trust in life. Many people with anxiety self-medicate or attempt to escape with drugs or alcohol which, in turn, lead to neurotransmitter imbalances in the brain. You feel mental, but you are not! You are a victim of circumstances; you are only suffering because an intolerable situation in your past has become deeply ingrained in your subconscious.

What causes anxiety

At the heart of most anxiety is trauma, sometimes from as long as 10 or 20 years ago. But the impact of the trauma is deeply ingrained in your subconscious, causing a fear-based belief system that has changed your perception of life while affecting your speech, behaviour, and reality.

Some possible reasons for your anxiety could be

1. Childhood abuse [physical, verbal or sexual]
2. Witnessing a traumatic incident
3. Being involved in a car accident
4. Negative thinking [habitual]
5. Abusive relationship [past or current]
6. Diagnosed conditions: Depression, OCD, PTSD, Personality Disorders, Bi-Polar, etc.,
7. Acquired brain injury or large blow to head
8. Past heavy drug or alcohol abuse
9. Past bullying
10. Past trauma when you felt powerless – Event or natural disaster

Impact of trauma

When traumatised, you will often have flashbacks, sleep disruption, nightmares; you will avoid people and places; you will feel anger, guilt, shame, low self-esteem, hopelessness, and maybe even get thoughts of committing suicide.

When you have significant trauma, your body replays the traumas like a record player that is stuck – your trauma plays over and over. As a consequence, your body gets trapped in the world of triggers. You may find yourself becoming hyper-vigilant, fearful, jumpy, on edge, and of course, angry. It doesn’t take much, and you are like a volcano erupting. Standard counselling techniques may not be enough to end this torment. Your anxiety may be the result of years of trauma, or it could be a part of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder [PTSD], where you have been in a life/death situation. Maybe you didn’t view an event as serious, but your mind/body are still having trouble resolving and processing this. You need an expert in trauma; someone who is trained in treating PTSD, or someone who works on three levels: Mind, Subconscious Mind and Body.

Coping with anxiety: 10 things you can do to help yourself right now

Listen to and challenge your thoughts

With over 70,000 thoughts per day, this is going to be a challenge. You have been programmed by friends, family, teachers, and the media, to see yourself and life a certain way—either negative or positive. You are also programming yourself every day. When coping with anxiety, it’s vital to listen to your thoughts, to ensure you are not criticising yourself or making incorrect assumptions about circumstances. You may need help, using CBT [Cognitive Behaviour Therapy] with a counsellor or psychologist, to improve your thoughts, to ensure you don’t get into the habit of ‘black and white’ thinking, etc., which inflames anxiety further.

Walk

Aim for at least three 30-minute brisk walks per week to improve the balance of serotonin and dopamine in your brain—these are essential for improving your sense of wellbeing. Also, when you exercise, you are actively reducing cortisol, which is a stress hormone that makes anxiety worse. In addition, exercise creates endorphins, which is nature’s way of making you feel great and make you emotionally more resilient.

Give your body rest

Anxiety causes an overload on many of your organs, your nervous system, and your adrenal glands. Try listening to music or using meditation to slow down or distract yourself from erratic thoughts. Take time out daily—just for you—to focus on relaxation, your hobbies and rejuvenating. Support your overwhelmed body to stay well and avoid illness, common in anxiety. Rest the body, and the mind will follow.

Eat healthy and regular meals

Quality carbohydrates and proteins improve your serotonin levels, ensuring that you have continued strength and your blood sugar levels are more consistent. Many people with anxiety skip meals, and don’t eat well, adding to the overload on the body. Never do that.

Sit in the sun

Aim for 15 minutes in the sun daily. This is great to help you absorb vitamin D, and make you more relaxed. Being kind to yourself is key to changing your life. Start with small steps, and these will soon become big steps.

Live for you

Constantly ask yourself, “What do I feel like doing right now?” Too many people live for others, leaving them feeling controlled or overwhelmed. When you feel unheard, disrespected or manipulated, this sense of powerlessness only adds to your fatigue, and contributes to anxiety. Take your power back.

Ask for help

Healthy emotional boundaries are important in improving our emotions. If you need help, reach out for help. Anxiety is exhausting, and you may need help in many areas of your life, while you are transitioning.

Stop being so hard on yourself

You didn’t ask to be traumatised, did you? No one asks for anxiety. This happened to you. It’s not your fault, but you can get help. You are not inadequate; you are suffering. You usually can’t fix this alone. Reach out for help.

See your doctor

See your doctor and ask for the Mental Health Plan [where available], so that you may get FREE [or subsidised] 6-10 sessions with a psychologist who specialises in trauma and anxiety. The doctor may recommend medication to improve an imbalance of neurotransmitters in your brain, such as Serotonin or Dopamine.

Go deep—get professional help for your trauma with a specialist

Following are three techniques that can help reduce trauma, by working not just with thoughts…but working with the mind, the Subconscious mind and the body. These ‘deep’ methods have caused many [including myself] to experience profound healing and change. Feel free to Google or YouTube these techniques, to learn more and find the psychologist/therapist in your area that specialises in one of these three techniques:

1. Somatic Therapy [Founder Peter Levine]: Learn to heal trauma by working with a somatic trained therapist to regulate emotions and body, in the here and now.
2. EMDR Eye Movement De-sensitisation [Founder Dr Shapiro]: Learn to heal trauma by re-processing the memories in the subconscious, by working with a therapist trained in EMDR.
3. Brainspotting [Founder David Grand]: Learn how the eyes and subconscious work together to find the spots of trauma in the subconscious, then release and re-process these emotions and trauma by working with a therapist trained in Brainspotting.

Healing the past

20 years ago, I was in crisis, so I know how it feels. I want you to really enjoy your life and experience more peace, control and happiness without experiencing daily panic and anxiety. My second book Are You Listening? Life is Talking to You has helped many feel re-connected to life again. It all starts with you… I want you to have the best life possible, and for that reason, I spent five years writing this book – for those in crisis. With these tools, and with a little help from a trauma expert, healing is possible. May your love for yourself and your life deepen more daily.

The post Coping with anxiety: 10 things you can do to help yourself right now appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Thursday night, I held his hand as he watched television; it felt so surreal. How does anyone cope knowing these are possibly final moments? Friday, driving Dad to the hospital, I knew this was possibly my last drive with him. I told him, “You are the most patient person I know. I love you, Dad.” I tried to be positive, calm and strong. I wanted the car warm, and the drive peaceful. I needed dad, my hero, to be in the best possible state for his operation; mentally and physically.

The horror week begins

Friday night. My horror week began! As a crisis and grief counsellor, I know the signs of anxiety, shock, and grief, but this week they overcame me. Dad’s operation caused many complications in his liver, heart, blood pressure, kidneys, and brain function. When he finally regained consciousness, after a few terrifying days, he could hardly mutter a word; then he quickly developed delirium. Even though his eyes seemed to recognise me, he was speaking incoherently. He mumbled about paranoid conspiracies of nurses wanting to kill him. He refused medical treatment and the family were called in to give permission for life-saving procedures and to be prepared in case he “crashes”. This mental decline of Dad was not anticipated. While we were told it is normal to develop “ICU delirium”, I wanted to know where Dad’s mind had gone… Would it return? I’d never heard of this type of psychosis.

I no longer slept well, often waking, worrying about Dad

I was stuck in a horror movie; the family talked about legalities, the living will, power of attorney, and possible death. “I will not discuss his funeral! We need to be positive!” I said. I recognised disassociation, as I kept re-playing the family’s words, over and over. This doesn’t feel real! So, this is how it ends for my Dad, my hero? I’m in my client’s world of crisis, and I recognise the signs. I feel acidity, no appetite, and I’m trying to keep fear thoughts at bay. I suppress my fear, but then develop anxiety as waves of emotions, suppressed deep inside me, that rise up, and “break me” at any moment. I gave up suppressing the tears. I ordered coffee from the hospital cafe with tears streaming down my face. The love songs in the cafe angered me. Why did “Islands in the stream” have to come on the radio? Dad loves country music. My sister and I stormed out in protest! My dad was dying … Stop the music!

Signs of despair

I no longer slept well, often waking, worrying about Dad. Has he just died? Nana even “came to me in a dream” and shook her finger with disapproval. [I’d been telling her, “Go away, Nana. You can’t take Dad!”]. I felt constantly cold, another sign of shock. The adrenaline and coffee kept me strong for hours of visits, but the fatigue kicked in and I had to drive back home for two days to recharge. I hated being away from dad.

A big cloud had overcome my life; I recognised this as “preparatory grief”. I felt disconnected to everything, except Dad. I cried, as I told hubby, “Nothing in the world seems important to me anymore; just Dad!” I retreated from work. I lost all interest and felt like a turtle hiding in a shell. I didn’t want to talk to friends. I needed to conserve my energy. I texted updates, which helped me come to terms with the reality of this situation. I’d cry as I’d read, “Dad’s organs are shutting down. His kidneys are not working well. His liver could be failing. He may not recover from the delirium.”

I’m normally calm, but was finding myself becoming angered easily

My mum said she missed me, even though I was beside her. I missed me. Knowing how grief causes marriage issues, I consciously kept connected to hubby, but had little energy for anyone else. “You cannot control life,” he said. I needed to hear this. I can’t keep dad alive with my love… but I’m going to keep trying.

My mind would sometimes become disobedient; I’d see myself at dad’s funeral going over a speech. Stop! Dad is not dead! I know enough about the mind and energy to know that living in the present, in the now, is essential. I worked hard at keeping funeral thoughts out of my mind; instead, I kept visualising positive improvements.

I’m normally calm, but was finding myself becoming angered easily [another grief stage]. My sister and mum annoyed me, the nurses made me angry with their blunt updates. This anger distorted my thoughts. Why was Dad on so many sedating painkillers? Were they trying to kill him? Do they need the ICU bed? I was frustrated, hyper alert, impatient, and felt trapped in a world of trauma.

Shielding my dad

I resigned myself, even though it was hard, to leave the medicine mostly up to the experts. My role was to ensure Dad was surrounded by love, loving touch, and constant positive words. Knowing about the subconscious mind, I needed to ensure that dad [even though he couldn’t really talk] could hear all the improvements he was making. I would often say, “Your skin is a good colour. Blood pressure is going well. Your surgery is healing well.” I didn’t want dad hearing any negative, as his subconscious mind was too vulnerable.

Over one hundred friends and family prayed, sent good wishes, lit candles, and sent love

I kissed him over 30 times on the forehead, and held his hand, over the many days. Sometimes he’d turn his head when I’d take my hand away; his eyes seemingly said, “Don’t go.” I felt like my love was making a difference.

Nonetheless, I was losing hope, and needed to take action. In a desperate attempt to send more loving energy to Dad, I turned to my friends and family on Facebook and asked for prayers and good wishes. Over one hundred friends and family prayed, sent good wishes, lit candles, and sent love. I even had strangers sending love!

The miracle called love

As I write this, it’s eight weeks since his operation, and Dad is now walking, talking, and enjoying life at my brother’s home. During his last week in the hospital, his mind and body recovered well. He looked forward to his daily wheelchair rides around the hospital where he would meet the canteen staff, and hospital helpers, who had heard so much about him. For many weeks, everywhere I went, people asked, “How is your Dad?” The power of Facebook at the time when I needed support was incredible.

We are all connected… we all feel each other’s pain, and we can all help each other heal. In this challenging time in my life, I felt this love from my friends, family, and even strangers, as tangible, and instrumental in Dad’s healing. I also believe that it was my 30 kisses that helped save him.

The post How a daughter’s love helped this dad recover sooner from surgery appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

The business of being married is based on—supporting each other, being best friends, meeting each other’s needs, enjoying each other by being romantic and passionate, managing conflict, running a household, bringing up children, paying a mortgage and much more.

What you need is a strategy

If we look at the model of running a business, different people would have different roles, and more importantly, there would be a strategy. A good business runs smoothly, just like a good marriage does, on one condition: Everyone knows exactly what their roles are and happily fulfils their duties. These duties are based on a strategy.

The strategy doesn’t have to be complicated. Your strategy may include: Let’s talk every day [for at least 30 minutes] without distractions. Let’s reconnect once a week on an intimate date night, where we dress to impress, take the night off from cooking, and devote the night to enjoying each other. And let’s make passion a priority, so let’s go to bed early, more often, and make time to make love!

What is not working?

And of course, like a business, people don’t function well in their roles if there is tension. So we need to work out what causes the tension in a marriage—what is not working? So, let’s make time for serious discussions [meetings], and let’s have simple rules about these discussions. Let’s meet, let’s talk, let’s really listen to each other, treat each other with respect, and most importantly, let’s both get what we want and need from this relationship.

I heard this quote years ago: “Angel at work and devil at home”. When at work, are you being kind and considerate to workmates, giving out compliments and smiling all day? That’s great… as long as you keep up the charm when you get home. Or are you too tired to be nice or listen to your partner when you get home? Do you sit on the couch, grab the remote control, and ignore your partner? So what do you think happens when you want to be intimate? Well, I can imagine how this turns out? After 11 years of talking with married women, I have a theory about what I consider to be the biggest leg crosser in women. It is resentment! Resentful women are not enthusiastic lovers.

Let’s make time for serious discussions, and let’s have simple rules about these discussions

Resentments dissolve intimacy

What causes resentment in marriage? A lot of things: Unresolved anger [usually from ineffective arguing], living together but not connecting, not making time for each other, and couples who attempt to control the other, and not allow them personal freedom. A couple who respect each other, support each other, allow the other to have independence, and argue well [even often], very seldom end up with resentment.

Most couples who are experiencing marriage issues need a better argument strategy. So don’t be scared to argue, as arguing is a perfectly normal part of marriage. Simply ensure that arguments are resolved, issues are not swept under the carpet, and you avoid ‘sleeping on an argument’ or in separate beds. Yelling, name calling and long silent treatments must be avoided. Instead, own your feelings, and argue from an ‘I’ standpoint, without accusations. For example, instead of saying: ‘You lazy, good for nothing, slob! You never help me around the house, or with the kids!’ You may wish to say: ‘I feel really overwhelmed today, and I’d really love just a few minutes help. It takes time to change the way we interact, but it’s only a habit, and a habit can be changed in as little as 21 days.

So here are six tips for running your marriage as you would run a business:

1]  Use a strategy

Ensure that your daily routine includes quality ‘talk time’ with your partner, and your weekly routine includes date nights, time for passion, and family time each day, and on the weekends.

2] Have designated roles

To avoid confusion and frustration, ensure everyone has a role, and adheres to it. For example, you may be the cook in the household, your child may take the rubbish out, and your partner may help with the dishes. If these roles are well defined, tension will be reduced, creating a more peaceful household.

3] Effective communication of needs

If both parties are communicating their needs using ‘I’ statements, thus being assertive instead of aggressive, the home will be a happier place. For example, if one partner does not pursue their hobbies, they may feel restricted and oppressed, which could lead to a depressed state. In an ideal marriage, each partners’ needs are met in the relationship and in life. It’s vital that these needs are communicated!

4] Treat one another with respect

Just as you treat your workmates with respect and kindness, get into the habit of listening, caring and being considerate with your family members. Neither of you should ever swear, belittle, or raise your voice at the other.

5] Have regular meetings

To reduce the chances of resentment, communication must be efficient. If you need to discuss anything, particularly about needs that are not met, hurt feelings, anger and so on, schedule a meeting. Conduct this meeting in a quiet place, with no disruptions such as television or computers. Feel free to have a glass of water, a pen and paper, and take turns in speaking and listening.

6]  Conflict management

If either of you become angry, ensure you calm down first, before speaking. Schedule a meeting for later that day or night, and talk in a professional manner, using ‘I’ statements and avoid the blame game by using ‘you’ statements—stay focussed on your own needs, not your partner’s shortcomings.

Don’t become emotionally bankrupt. Use a strategy to ‘run your marriage’, stay on track and be happy.

The post Want your marriage to be happy and successful? Run it like a business! appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

What Are the Signs of a Depressed Partner?

Has your partner changed and become negative, often pessimistic, about almost everything? Has he or she become quieter, emotionally withdrawn, simultaneously making themselves unavailable for many family activities? Have they cut down on socializing and seem disinterested in work, family and life? Have they increased emotional eating, alcohol intake or drug usage? Has your partner become moody and is easily angered?

One client said, “My husband seems to be a shell—as if he has no soul,” and another said, “He’s no fun anymore; he’s just not the same person he was five years ago, before the depression.” One woman said, “He’s always angry.” One man said, “My wife is constantly sad, and hardly talks, yet she has so many great things in her life.” These sentiments are common. While the contributing factors in depression vary from person to person, the way depression appears ‘from the outside’ is strikingly similar.

How Does It Feel to be the Depressed Partner?

The daily walk with depression is a crippling one; relationships with self, family members, friends, colleagues and life in general, all become more difficult and painful. The depressed partner usually feels oppressed and caged in, either by self-imposed restrictions or perceived or real external limitations placed on them.

In most cases, unresolved grief and loss is at the core of depression. For men, it is often the loss of a relative, job loss or loss of emotional/physical intimacy in the primary relationship. For women it is often the loss of a child or feeling trapped in the primary relationship. He or she lives in the shadow of self-condemnation, anger and frustration. As they over-focus on their defeats and weaknesses, causing their self-esteem to plummet, they compare themselves with others unfavorably—adding more bricks to the wall of isolation around them. This anger at life eventually points inwards, as prior goals seem unattainable. They feel pressured by most obligations, leaving them feeling ‘stuck’, struggling to make decisions, and fearful of the future.

This lack of fulfillment, and a feeling that life is ‘bland’, sometimes becomes the catalyst for a ‘mid-life crisis’ or an affair; creating a change, then a temporary spark.

However, a devastating backlash of increased alienation from their spouse, self-disgust and confusion make matters worse. All these negative, repetitive thoughts create an avalanche of sad emotions, impacting the body. As depression sets in, restless sleep, reduced sex drive, impaired sexual function, appetite changes, aches and fatigue are common. Feeling numb and disassociated from life, it is common to hear a depressed person say things like, “I don’t know who I am anymore” and ”I don’t know what I want.”

How to Help Your Depressed Partner?

Some partners tell their spouse to ‘harden up’ or ‘get over it’, which only exasperates the situation. Ideally, if your partner has depression, you can assist them by encouraging them to see a psychologist or counselor for therapy or a doctor for medication. Keep talking to your spouse and keep listening: avoid nasty ‘put down’ comments.

Depression is not just ‘in the mind’, but is physical as well; be gentle and assist where you can in practical ways around the household. Being empathetic is important, but knowing strategies is essential. I have a tool that I encourage you to use. It’s called The Crisis Wheel. I talk about it in my book Are you listening: Life is Talking to You!

Ask your spouse how they are doing in the following areas:

• Thought Patterns: Are they predominantly positive or negative?
• Self Esteem: Do they have strong self-esteem?
• Past Grief and loss: Are they frequently emotional over a past loss?
• Emotions: Are they mostly experiencing positive emotions?
• Brain chemistry: Are they eating well and exercising at least three times weekly to improve brain neurotransmitters?
• Support networks: Do they have friends they regularly socialise with?
• Passions: Are they enjoying passions/hobbies?
• Lifestyle/Career: Do they enjoy their day job and are they suffering any financial stress?

When using this Crisis Wheel for assessment, I ask the client to give me a ‘coping ‘or ‘not coping’, response, which I translate to a tick or a cross. In my book I offer strategies for these eight vital areas. Ask your spouse how they are coping in these areas. Tragically, a person who is not coping in five or more of these areas is likely to be experiencing suicidal thinking, so be brave and ask them if they have had any suicidal thoughts. Other signs to watch for that your spouse may be suicidal are: Do they feel hopeless, are they saying goodbyes, giving away possessions, putting legal affairs in order, or frequently talking about dying?

How Medicine and Therapy Can Help

Science suggests that depression is related to an imbalance in the levels of the following neurotransmitters in the brain: serotonin, norepinephrine and dopamine, and that depression can be hereditary. So, does depression cause the reduction in these neurotransmitters or does the reduction in the neurotransmitters cause depression? It is much like the chicken and the egg—which came first? Regardless, it is crucial that a person with depression has improved power over thoughts, emotions, and relationships, and to do this, therapy and strategies are required. When a person is coping well in most areas in their life, depression symptoms usually subside.

Your doctor can assist with antidepressant medication, which often works well in improving the balance of neurotransmitters. Overall, you need to work on two levels:

1. Keep these brain chemistry levels correct and
2. Equip the depressed spouse with strategies for coping with their relationship and life.

Many of my hundreds of counseling sessions have involved a client with depression. When you know what to look for, what you can do to help, what to avoid doing and the psychological strategies for improvement, you can make a huge change in your partner’s life, the relationship and your life. Keep talking, keep listening and keep connected to each other. Now that you know more about what your partner is going through, and that depression is an illness, not a choice, this should help you stay empathetic. Use therapeutic strategies, have hope, and support each other, through sickness and in health.

(Editor’s note: The following three sections have been added by the Complete Wellbeing editorial team to expand on the original article with additional guidance that readers frequently ask about.)

How Do You Take Care of Yourself When Your Partner Is Depressed?

One of the most common patterns in couples affected by depression is the slow erosion of the non-depressed partner’s own wellbeing. The giving, the accommodating, the constant making of allowances takes a toll and somewhere along the way, the caregiver stops tending to themselves.

You cannot pour from an empty cup. Neglecting one’s own emotional, physical and social needs while caring for a depressed partner creates a real risk of becoming depleted, resentful, and eventually unwell. Research shows that partners of people with depression experience significantly higher rates of stress, anxiety and burnout. The wellbeing of the supporting partner matters too.

Here are some things the non-depressed partner can do:

• Keep your social life alive. Abandoning friendships or hobbies because a partner cannot participate is a common but costly mistake. Continuing to do things that bring joy is essential for balance.
• Seek individual counseling. Talking to a therapist privately (separate from any couples work) provides a space to process frustration, grief and confusion without fear of making things worse at home.
• Set gentle but firm boundaries. Loving someone with depression does not mean absorbing their anger or putting every personal need on hold indefinitely. Boundaries protect both people in the relationship.
• Release misplaced guilt. A partner’s depression is not something the other person caused or can single-handedly cure. Releasing this burden is one of the most important steps a caregiver can take.

Caring for oneself is what makes sustainable, long-term support possible.

What Should You Not Say to a Depressed Partner?

Words carry enormous weight when someone is living with depression. What feels like encouragement or tough love to one partner can feel like rejection or shame to the other. Knowing what to avoid saying is just as important as knowing what to do.

Phrases like these are best left unsaid:

• “Just think positive.” Depression is not a matter of attitude, and saying this dismisses the very real neurological and emotional reality of what the depressed person is experiencing.
• “You have so much to be grateful for.” This deepens the depressed partner’s sense of failure and isolation. They often already know they ‘should’ feel better — and that awareness makes it worse.
• “Snap out of it” or “Toughen up.” As the article notes, this only exacerbates the situation. Depression is an illness, not a weakness of character.
• “You’re ruining our family” or “You’re impossible to live with.” Even in the most exhausted, frustrated moments, statements like these cause lasting damage to an already fragile self-esteem.
• “Other people have it worse.” This invalidates the depressed partner’s pain entirely and shuts down communication.

Simple phrases like “I’m here with you” or “I want to understand what you’re going through” go a long way. Asking questions rather than giving directives, listening more than speaking, and offering quiet physical reassurance can say more than any carefully chosen words.

Is It Possible to Have a Healthy Relationship With a Depressed Partner?

The short answer is “Yes”. But it requires honesty, effort and a shared commitment from both partners.

Depression does not have to signal the end of a relationship. For some couples, navigating it together, with the right tools and support, deepens their bond in ways they might not have anticipated. The crucial shift is in treating depression as an illness that belongs to neither partner as a personal failing, and as a challenge to be faced as a team.

A healthy relationship in this context is built on open communication, where both partners feel safe expressing their needs. It involves the depressed partner actively seeking treatment: therapy, medication, lifestyle changes, or a combination. And it involves the supporting partner maintaining their own wellbeing, so they can show up with empathy rather than exhaustion.

Couples therapy can be enormously valuable here. It creates a shared space to rebuild communication, better understand each other’s experience, and develop strategies that work for the relationship specifically.

Many couples who feel hopeless in the thick of depression find, with the right support, that what felt insurmountable became manageable, and even transformative. Depression is a chapter, not the whole story.

This was first published in the April 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

Last updated on 21^st February 2026

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1. Listen to your teenager

The best thing you can give your teenager is your time. Aim for a minimum of 30 minutes of quality time per day. If you cannot give her your attention when she wants it, set aside a time for her later in the day and keep your appointment. When you listen well, you will be more likely to identify illogical thoughts, generalisations and potentially dangerous decisions your teen may be contemplating. Stop your internal chatter and keep your mind completely on her words. By listening to your teenager, you will create opportunities for giving advice and improving your relationship.

2. Praise your teenager often

You have the ability to ‘make or break’ your teenager, simply by how you treat him. When a teenager is praised often, he is more likely to experience high self-esteem, which is a foundation of self-confidence, increased motivation, better decision-making, improved relationships and self-respect. Poor self-esteem often leads to self-criticism, doubt and confusion about one’s abilities and life. By seeking opportunities to praise your teenager, you are actively improving his self-perception. The importance of praising your teenager cannot be overstated.

3. Accept your teenager

Encourage your teenager to be independent by allowing her to make decisions in areas such as sporting interests, hobbies and clothing styles. By allowing her personal freedom, you are increasing her confidence. [Decisions regarding schooling and general safety are best left to parents.] Avoid being the co-dependent parent, who lives ‘through their child’, obsessing about your teen’s obstacles and successes like they were your own. It is not realistic to expect your teenager to always conform to your expectations. She is more likely to succeed in life when she is being herself, following her own path—so encourage her to be autonomous.

By listening to your teenager, you will create opportunities for giving advice and improving your relationship

4. Educate your teenager

Research tells us that the male human’s brain is not fully developed for processing danger until he is approximately 24 years old, so in many ways, you are the voice of reason. Keep talking to your teenager about key areas like drugs, alcohol and sex. Try not to overreact if he comes home from a party where alcohol or drugs were taken. If you ban him from parties forever, he may avoid discussing his concerns with you again. Be calm, and ask him about the drugs or if he consumed alcohol and then educate him on the dangers these substances. One of your primary roles is being the positive influence, so it is vital that your teenager feels comfortable talking with you about anything.

5. Understand your teenager’s world

Teenagers often live with fears and challenges that may be different from your own. They feel great pressure to be accepted by their peers, making them highly susceptible to outside influences, which impacts their decisions and priorities. This focus on friends causes some parents to feel pushed aside. Teenagers are challenged physically and emotionally: their bodies are busy supporting dramatic growth spurts, while their minds are trying to cope with hormone-fuelled moods. To make matters worse, many teenagers are exposed to negativity and trolling on social media and other websites that make them feel helpless and overwhelmed. Add to this the pressure felt by many teenagers to meet their parents’ or teachers’ expectations. To escape, or experiment, some teenagers try drugs or alcohol, further complicating their lives. You can make your teenager’s life easier by getting to know, and understanding, his or her struggles.

One of your primary roles is being the positive influence, so it is vital that your teenager feels comfortable talking with you about anything

6. Don’t alienate your teenager

Your relationship with your teen is the benchmark for all her future relationships, so ensure that this relationship is based on mutual respect. You need to trust her, but this trust must be developed. If your teenager tells you that she is going out, let her know that she needs to call or text you, if plans change. If she does not make contact, consequences need to be enforced. Avoid resorting to unconstructive criticism, name-calling, yelling, swearing, giving the silent treatment, trying to dominate or making irrational threats that you never carry out. Such tactics will only result in drama and unhappiness, and will fuel her rebellious streak. Create an environment for your teenager that includes love, respect, healthy boundaries, and consequences, for their safety, wellbeing and for the benefit of the household.

7. Watch over your teenager

Your teenager may no longer want to socialise with you, and instead may spend hours alone with his cell phone or on the computer in his bedroom. While teenagers need their space, watch out for any abnormal changes. If your teenager avoids any conversation with you, or her sleep patterns or eating habits change, or she seems socially withdrawn, then seek professional help with a counsellor or psychologist. Your child is at a vulnerable age where depression, anxiety, and self-destructive behaviour tend to develop. Educate yourself on the signs of distress and watch over your teenager closely.

If you are feeling left out and frustrated by your teenager, take a step back and consider how fragile teenage years are. Your teenager may feel uncertain about her future, as she tries to discover who she is and what she wants from life. She will benefit greatly from your time, friendship, acceptance, support and love. Your teenager is a soul given to you on loan. Your role is to educate, praise, love, and get to know your teenager’s world. The way you treat her today will impact her future for better or worse.

This was first published in the February 2016 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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• Identify the issues
• Set goals
• Implement strategies

Relationship issues can quickly become complicated, causing frustration through lack of insight. Many couples try but feel as though they can’t ‘fix’ the relationship so they emotionally disconnect or, in some cases, separate. This crisis time, however, is ideal for a thorough assessment. If you need help, here’s how to put your relationship under the spotlight.

1  Identify the issues in your marriage:

Think about your life, work hours, weekly activities, children and your stressors. When did things become challenging? How do you treat each other? How do you argue, and how often? Who avoids arguments, who becomes silent and who yells or intimidates? Do you notice any patterns such as: mother puts children first versus emotionally withdrawn father, spontaneous partner versus predictable partner, cat and dog couple [high conflict] or the highly competitive couple? Have you had an affair, or face excessive control or abuse? What is your sex life like? Delve into your childhood challenges, and also think about the communication styles you witnessed in your parent’s relationship? Is additional therapy needed for addiction, workaholism, parenting problems, grief, anger, post-traumatic stress disorder [PTSD] or mental health issues like depression? By ‘going deep’, you can discover the contributing factors in your relationship issues and equip yourself with specific strategies.

2  Set goals:

In solution-focussed therapy, counsellors use the ‘Miracle Questions’ to establish a client’s goals. Ask yourself: a magic wand was waved over this relationship, and it became exactly as I want it when I wake tomorrow, how would it differ from today? When asked, many say, “I would be happy.” Some want ‘fireworks’, and others say, “I would have romance, dating and be in love with my partner again.” Many clients say, “I would have peace. We would all get along well.” Clear goals are vital to success.

What are your relationship goals?

3  Implement strategies:

Irrespective of how complex your issues might be, there same basic tools that you can use to work on your marriage.

The 30 minute rule

Spend at least 30 minutes together per day—quality time—with no distractions such as computers, phones, children or work; enjoy being focussed entirely on each other. Often couples new to therapy have said, “We don’t have time for each other.” One client, when asked to write his life’s priorities down, put his wife 7^th on his list! It was no wonder his marriage was in turmoil. If your spouse and family are your highest priorities, then spend time every day enjoying them. This will keep you united, fulfilled, improve your sex life, reduce your chances of an affair and contribute to your happiness. It doesn’t have to be a chunk of time spent in one go. Spend 10 minutes here, 15 minutes there—spend time first thing in the morning with the family. You can spend time with your spouse when your children are in bed, and have your family time during meals—without the television. In short, become connected again.

Treat your partner like a lover—not a spouse

This step is magical! If you treat your partner like a prince, he will treat you like a princess—eventually. Every word, voice tone, facial expression and every gesture, impacts your relationship profoundly. This step is the fastest way I know to transform a relationship. Become your own editor. Listen, and actively change the way you interact with your spouse. Are your words loving, kind, attentive, compassionate and respectful?  For inspiration, observe new couples.

Stop finding fault and start praising

Many couples that first sit on my couch are filled with complaints. They have become in the habit of complaining about their partner to friends and family, and are viewing their relationship as a glass that is half empty. If you keep looking at your partner through these ‘negative glasses’, you’ll poison the relationship with negativity. Sure, in struggling relationships it’s only human to over-focus on the negative aspects. But this is not helpful because the negative simply flourishes. Make a list of your partner’s strengths and then focus on these. Based on the law of attraction, when we change our energy to positive, we attract more positive experiences—and our relationship is no different. It is astounding how fast a relationship can improve when couples stop criticising and start praising. I have seen couples who were separated rekindle their love and move back in together using this skill.

Manage conflict better

Some couples feel uncomfortable when I explain that arguing is good for marriage. If you don’t have good conflict management skills, and don’t stand up for yourself, you can easily develop resentment from unspoken words, unmet needs and anger that is not discussed. Couples who are not arguing often state they feel caged in, controlled or oppressed. Do you argue well? If not, follow these steps:

1. Don’t have discussions when you are feeling infuriated and your blood is boiling. Wait until you cool down and schedule a meeting.
2. Have this meeting before you go to sleep [as sleeping with inflamed emotions will only aggravate the situation].
3. Conduct this meeting in a quiet place with no distractions. You may use a writing pad as you both take turns in speaking and listening.
4. Discuss the issues in a direct manner. Use assertiveness techniques, by stating needs, wants and feelings from the “I” stance, such as: “I need…” “I want…” or “I feel…”  Do not blame your spouse. For example, instead of saying: “You make me feel lonely” or “You’re always working,” you could say, “I feel lonely” or “I need quality time with you.” In family therapy, direct communication is the most effective… so become direct.
5. Keep the feeling neutral. Do not yell, swear, storm out or become aggressive. Only argue when calm, to avoid nasty words and aggression that you may later regret.

You may need a little extra help assessing your relationship from either a self-help book or a relationship counsellor, to help you identify areas for improvement, set your goals and learn new relationship strategies. Using simple strategies works best to keep your marriage growing. Transforming a relationship from unhappy to blissful is achieved one day at a time, one positive thought at a time, with one interaction at a time! Don’t give up on love. Relationships are hard work, but when you know what to work on, this ‘work’ will be a lot of fun!

This was first published in the March 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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