How to Deal With the Grief of Losing a Loved One

Know that when you’re grieving, it is okay to not be okay

When my father died, my family was told that we’ve got to move on. So we started to live and behave as if it was all okay, and now as I look back, I understand that this need to move on was what caused us the most distress. Over the following years, this denial of our emotions was at the root of various conflicts in our relationships.

No matter how wise or strong you are, there are times when we all feel broken, we all cry and we are just not okay. The greatest fallacy of our society is that it teaches us to deny pain. We want that feeling of sadness to go away; but run all you might, it will come back stronger and faster. It’s alright to cry as much as you want to about it. Do not suppress or deny what you feel, that will only cut your wound deeper.

Motivational speaker Iyanla Vanzant says, “If you argue against reality, you will always lose.” I’d say, we not only lose, we get battered and in the end fall flat on our faces.

Don’t give your grief a deadline

We are vulnerable when we are grieving or mourning. This is not the time to compare yourself to others or be worried about your inability to get back to normal. Just remind yourself that there is a difference between before and after, and that you are going through a phase. No one else can predict how long the healing will take, not even you. Grief can bring along with it five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. You are only healed when you accept it in your heart. Everyone has their own ways and take their own time to deal with grief.

Also read » How I Experienced the 5 Stages of Grief

Spend time in Nature

Nothing heals us better than communing with nature. Have a walk in the park, water the plants or go to any place where nature is abundant. Nature has the innate capacity to heal. It will always end up soothing your heart and clearing your mind.

Seek counseling if needed

Seeking out professional help does not mean that you are incapable of handling yourself. It means you are brave enough to acknowledge your situation. When I  knew that my separation with my partner was too much for me to handle all by myself, I sought the help of a counselor. And you know what! It did wonders for me. During times of grief, our judgment get clouded. A professional helps us see more clearly so that we can deal with our emotions more effectively. Also, there is nothing more comfortable than knowing that you are supported in your grief and you are not alone in this world.

Do something you enjoy

Everyone has something that they enjoy doing so much that they forget everything else. Whatever that activity is for you, indulge in it, even if only for a while. It can be cooking, dancing, driving or anything you loved doing as a child. For me it is writing. I pen down my thoughts, I write a story, a poem or even a letter. It heals me from within. I know someone whose passion was playing basketball and during her lows she not only started playing it more often, but also took to coaching street children. I saw her grow as a human being and heal herself through her favorite sport. Sometimes grief has its own way of showing us new paths.

Watch your behavior

It’s sad but true that often, to escape the pain, we indulge in compulsive behaviour. It can be anything from getting violent to substance abuse to extreme sexual activities or just being mean and spiteful to others. One of my friends, whenever she hit a low, would indulge in sexual activities with random strangers. When her other friends and I tried to talk sense to her about the risks of her actions, she would verbally abuse us. Even though we loved her a lot, her abuses got too much for us to take and we drifted apart. This left her feeling lonely and isolated.

Also, if we have someone who advises us or gives us a patient hearing during our moments of despair, we must consider ourselves fortunate that there’s someone who cares enough and so, they should be treated with respect. Directing our anger towards them will only intensify our misery.

Have faith

This is one thing that has always worked. We breathe without effort. Till that breath is there, we can assure ourselves that there is a higher power that is looking after us. Have faith that if you have come here, you have all the power to make it out of here too. This too shall pass. And it always does.

Related » The thoughtful way of responding to someone’s grief

Conclusion

The grief of losing a loved one is something that strikes everyone unawares, despite our best prayers. I believe that grief always leaves us with gems along the way. Trust the process. You will be fine.

This is an updated version of the article that was first published in the November 2013 issue of Complete Wellbeing magazine.

The post How to Deal With the Grief of Losing a Loved One appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Pages: 400

Price: Rs 390

ISBN-13: 978-9384238216

The synopsis describes this book as “A dialogue every man’s soul wants to have with him.” That itself should tell you that this book is not for everyone because not all of us are ready to take a good hard look at our lives. But if you are one of those who is seeking answers to life’s profound questions, then it’s definitely worth a read.

Why am I suffering so much? How can I be at peace? What is Karma? How does it impact my present circumstances? What happens when we die? These are some common questions that surface when we deliberate about our existence and our purpose on this planet. In this book, author Suzy Singh, who calls herself a Karma Coach, attempts to answer these questions by reconnecting us to the principles of ancient wisdom—stuff that we all innately know but have forgotten or disconnected with, due to our conditioning and modern lives. The seven karma codes form the backbone of the book and Suzy explains how these codes have the power to change our lives. Through her own experiences and those of her clients, she states that the ticket to our freedom is universal: look within yourself. That sounds simple but we all know that to find answers within ourselves requires a compass to help with direction. That’s where this book comes handy.

Suzy lucidly explains how each one of us is connected to each other, beyond time and space and how everything that we do or say has a butterfly effect within the context of the collective human consciousness. She states that before we can hope to be at peace or do any good in this world, we first need to attend to our own wounds, received in this lifetime and even those inherited from our ancestors. Needless to say, the book also talks about our spirit guides and masters who are forever willing to help. And no, you don’t need any special qualifications to access them. They are always around; all you need to do is call them and ask for help.

The book also touches upon how a soul chooses the family it wants to be born in, in order to accelerate its own growth. The author contends that even when the soul chooses a home that is filled with violence and poverty, there is a higher reason for doing so because that environment offers the most fertile ground for the soul’s learning.

According to the author, each one of us has a purpose in life and that our soul lessons are imprinted in our DNA, yet there are many pathways before us. She explains exactly what these are and how you can activate a higher destiny.

7 Karma Codes nudges us not to waste time on the drama that we often surround ourselves with. It tells us that a better life is within our reach, based on the choices we make each day. What I liked most about the book is that it does not make spirituality appear as something lofty and only for ascetics. Rather, the reader is introduced to the middle path, where one can enjoy a life abundant with material pleasures and also where you accelerate spiritually.

The post 7 Karma Codes: Heal the Storm Within By Suzy Singh appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Long ago I had heard in a life class that the Universe always gives you signs. It’s like a big mirror and it reflects your thoughts and feelings. So, during those three days, I reflected about what signs the Universe was giving me.

I realised that there were many small and big signs that I had refused to see until then—like losing a job, a friendship and a relationship. I had told myself that these are just phases… until debt came over, took me by the collar and had my attention. I realised I was suffering from a disease called “over-giving.”

So how did I land myself in this awful situation

I was brought up by a single mother along with three other siblings. I was the youngest of three daughters. It was a hard life and I only got attention when I was either sick or created a crisis. So somewhere I created this story about myself: “If I stay sick and in a bad state I would be loved and taken care of.” I also felt I was not good enough the way I was, which led to over-giving, in order to earn appreciation. To add to it, I was/am a sensitive girl and an empath; it was in my nature to give.

Childhood passed but sadly the pattern remained. I continued to over-give i order to receive appreciated. I became an agony aunt who was always available and people started dumping their toxicity on me.

Giving is not bad, but the law of nature dictates that there must be a balance—to receive you have to give, and vice versa. I was completely closed to receiving. I was in an underpaid job, was involved in too many voluntary activities and found myself surrounded by a lot of needy people. The Universe could not have held a better image than that one for me to face my reality. I sought therapy.

From then, life started changing for the better

My therapist told me that I had a 100 taps open with not enough in the reservoir. I could not even sustain myself, yet I was constantly giving. So, it showed up as emotional debt in my life. No wonder sickness came and with it came financial debt as well. It baffled me that people who were less hardworking or educated than me were in better positions in life. I slogged, did good to others but continued suffering. Little did I know that I was living my childhood story of lack.

Making the change was not easy

At the age of 30 my friends were settled—financially and personally. And here I was, beginning to relearn the ways of life. It brought in a lot of anger, guilt, fear and the need to blame. The first lesson was to accept total responsibility of myself. In a gist, I had to accept that I was a fully functional adult with freedom of choice.

The next step was self-parenting. It meant that I gave myself the care I expected my parents or my guardians to give me as a child. I started to tell myself good things and I did so every day. I told myself I was beautiful, brilliant and deserved better.

The third thing I did was to let some people go. I believed in always staying in touch, no matter what. But when you hoard on to what is now useless [even though it once served a purpose], it starts stinking. I started choosing people. With deep humility and grace, I asked a few to leave. Of course that caused commotion but I stuck to my guns.

The fourth thing I learned was to ask for what I want. Now I hear the other person out, but I make sure that I speak out about my needs and reach a happy middle ground. This has come from a place of self deserving. I learned that we only ask for what we think we deserve. I left my job and got a better deal. The Universe always helps when you intend to grow.

As, I made these changes, my environment started responding. I started getting work that satiated me. I was paid for every little piece I wrote—there was no more free work. Today, I am surrounded by happy healthy people and it’s been a while since I faced a crisis.

Commitment is the key

It takes commitment and effort to break your patterns. I realised that my patterns had come from my grandmother, through my mother to me. Though it may seem like a family thing, my siblings did not carry it. If I look back at life, I see so many crises that I created, all for the need to be loved and heard. Now that I love myself, I am loved, honored and heard everywhere I go, just as I am.

Have I learnt my lessons? To an extent yes, but I am still a work in progress, till I see the manifestation of a fully abundant life, in every way possible.

The post Breaking patterns: My journey from debt to abundance appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Published by: Penguin Random House India
ISBN: 978-0143426660
Pages: 288
Price: INR 299

In a world where words are loud and confusion runs deep, a book comes along and acts as a soothing balm. Conversation with Dada Vaswani not only answers the most common questions seekers tend to have but also immerses you in a divine peace—a kind of tranquillity that feels like a rare blessing.

This book documents the many conversations the writer had with Dada Vaswani over a period of several months. But make no mistake—a book based on conversations does not mean it would be dull and boring. Dada will make you want to read more and keep you hooked with his wisdom and his childlike humour that is always accompanied by his characteristic humility. Though considered as a master by millions, he refuses to call himself a Guru and insists that he is only a friend to the devotees who flock to hear him from across the world. In a world where the so called “Spiritual Gurus” are seen on celebrity and entertainment pages of newspapers, here is a man who prefers to keep a low profile and quietly channels his energies to work for the downtrodden.

While reading this book, you will likely be touched by Dada’s profound simplicity even as his divinity starts having an effect. By the end of the book, you will come away feeling differently towards life.

Throughout this book, as in his discourses, Dada Vaswani talks fondly of his Guru, Sadhu Vaswani. When he talks of his home in Karachi in undivided India—the Saints, godmen and the fakirs that would walk around Sindh then—it feels like home. It’s strange that Karachi, which is now one of the most unsafe cities in the world, was once so safe, prosperous and clean.

Bharucha makes it a point to ask many pertinent questions—questions that we all wants answers for. Dada responds with eloquence. He emphasises why and how spirituality should be a way of life for everyone, not something you turn towards when you are old and frail. Dada used anecdotes to explain some of the most beautiful and mysterious ideas which only a master like him can explain. As you read the book, you encounter teachings of some of the greatest spiritual teachers that India has ever produced—from Meher Baba to Swami Vivekananda.

Dada’s language is lucid and clear as is reflected in the conversations between the master and his disciple—each page is filled with spiritual gems and sometimes you just feel like keep the book aside and letting the wisdom sink in. As it happens with insights from masters, you keep coming back to each question many times and find a new meaning every time. Dada teachings flow like the river—no assertion, just gentle persuasion. And therein lies the beauty of the book.

Though the based on spiritual teachings, it does not negate science. Being educated as a scientist, Dada explains many things from a scientific perspective. What’s really striking is that at no place do we come across religious preaching of any kind. Dada firmly believes that prophets are avatars of the same God and wonders how futile it is for men to fight one over the other.

When you finish the book, you will feel like your conversation with a wise, loving soul has just ended. You are filled with gratitude for Dada’s answers as well as his love. A thirst for more arises but for that you need to go within, says Dada.

This is a must read for spiritual seekers. If nothing else, it will bring you a sense of serenity and peace that we all seek.

The post Conversations with Dada Vaswani: A Perfect Disciple, A Reluctant Master By Ruzbeh Bharucha appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Surviving the worst

Published by: Hay House

ISBN: 9789380480848

Pages: 306 • Price: `350

What do you do when your marriage of 37 years ends in a brutal divorce, one of the reasons being adultery? When you lose your daughter bit by bit to cancer? When your house is in mortgage and you do not have enough money to find a roof? Do you see God’s purpose in the tragedies you’re going through? Many would think that’s impossible. But the author Iyanla Vanzant saw it and through this book she inspires millions who might go through dark days in their life.

She discovered how her problems were because of faulty patterns being repeated and family pathology that is passed down through the generations. And that all turmoil is God’s master plan to put us where our life work is.

She begins her story as a three-year-old girl who lost her mother and was put in the care of her “mean as a cat” paternal grandmother. That was when she first picked up the messages that there was something wrong about her and that she did things that caused everyone to be mad at her. She learnt that men can get away with anything and women need to make excuses for all the wrong done.

She always attracted men who refused to honour and respect her for who she was, men who were emotionally unavailable, and who did not take responsibility for anything. This trait, she says, ran in all the women in her family. She, her mother and finally her beautiful daughter Gemmia dealt with the same kind of men.

One day while riding in a taxi, she could not even bring herself to ask the driver to turn down the air conditioner, even though she was shivering. She endured it because, deep down, a voice told her that she was worthless, undeserving and was never supposed to ask anything. That was the day she realised there was something terribly wrong in her life that needed to be sorted out. Not only did she get herself out of this whirlpool of self-berating feelings but she prevented this family pathology to be passed on to her granddaughter Niamoja by teaching her to say no, and also that it was OK not to give an explanation for saying it.

Peace from Broken Pieces is about the lessons our soul is designed to learn. It is not a book only about Iyanla Vanzant, but a universal story of hurts and wounds, of denials and betrayal, lies and truth… but above all the light of God that makes us rise above it and make us shine.

The post Peace from Broken Pieces: How to get through what you’re going through By Iyanla Vanzant appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Mummy, you are your daughter’s first role model

When a girl is born, the first woman who is close to her and the one she trusts with all her might is her mother. She watches her every move and imbibes whatever she sees, without filtering. How you treat yourself is exactly the way your daughter will learn to treat herself. If you are over critical about yourself or if you always have negative things to say about yourself, know that your daughter is mirroring herself in you.

I have a friend who is obsessed about her hair. No matter where she gets it groomed; it is never the way she wants it. To us, she has perfectly silky hair. I met her mother a few months ago and she too has the same issue. So, that is where the daughter inherited it from. You as a mother are her first scale to confidence, if you are okay with who you are, she will be too.

How you treat yourself is exactly the way your daughter will learn to treat herself

If your life is full of tiny lies that you speak to yourself every day, for sure, this is what your daughter will learn as well. And no woman has ever built self confidence with lies imbued within her system of values. With your lies, you are destroying her self-esteem bit by bit. If you have promised something, then keep it. If you could not, explain why.

Daddy, you are teaching your daughter all she will know about men

Daddy is the first man a daughter is close to. It is her first non-sexual close relationship. You are mapping the way she will deal with other men in the future. Treat her with love and care and she will learn to be with men who treat her same. Appreciate her; tell her she is beautiful, she will grow up with confidence.

If you are criticising her all the time or are cold to her, later in life she will take criticism or coldness from a man as the norm of any man-woman relationship. If you are violent, she will learn that violence is okay and acceptable in a relationship. If you love her and tell her so, she will grow up to be a woman with healthy self-esteem, walking tall in the world. Whatever you say to her when she is a child she will process it deep down within her and one day manifest it somehow in her life. Your approval and love will give her the sense of being worthy, or else she will run after people to give her that sense which often ends in disaster.

Research shows that a girl with a loving father who is involved in her upbringing, finishes school, performs better at work and is less likely to date an abusive man. If you are a dad, just love her and tell her so, that will take her places.

Treat her with love and care and she will learn to be with men who treat her same

Give her positive images

It’s no rocket science that self-esteem grows with positive images. At home, what are the images you portray in front of your child? Do you always have negative stories to discuss with your daughter, like the friend who hurt you, the relative you hate or even worse, do you criticise your spouse? If you do, you are already schooling your daughter with distrust and the belief that relationships hurt and are bad. When she grows up, no matter how far she goes, forming intimate relations would be a task for her. And no woman has been confident with a bagful of broken or hurt relationships.

The greatest blunder parents commit is to tell their daughter who she should not be. Rather, all that energy should be vested on ‘what she could be.’ With what ‘not-to-be’ you end up creating a confused child, but when you give her an image of what she can and should be, that boosts her self esteem because she will have clarity, and clarity always boosts self-esteem.

Let her find her skills

Every child has an area of interest where s/he has an advantage over others. Let your daughter find her skill. It might be a hobby class or a gardening session. Anything a child is good at boosts her self-esteem. Do not choose for her; let her find it for herself. It might be a trial and error method, but she will find it. That way she won’t fear making mistakes in the future and also won’t take a failure as personal defeat.

The greatest blunder parents commit is to tell their daughter who she should not be

When she is very young, keep her away from popular culture

If we see what popular culture has to offer, the women are most certainly objectified sexually. They are thin, fair and sexually alluring. These are the figures that basically do the rounds. A stereotypical kind of beauty is talked off. It seems that if a girl does not fall into a pattern, she is not beautiful. So, the best way to deal with the invasion of popular cultural values is to nurture her inner qualities and appreciate her for it.

Appreciate and cherish her

This is the golden rule of parenting. Appreciate your daughters. They will blossom. Keep away that criticising metre. With each word of criticism or mockery, you break a tiny part of your daughter, who blindly believes in what you say and creates a negative image for herself that might haunt her for a lifetime. The worst thing you can do is to brand her as ‘lazy, weak, sick, mad, stupid etc.’ With each word you affirm, you put that feeling of unworthiness in her. Later in life, that feeling may leave her, but not very easily. It reflects in her relationships and work place.

Children are not soldiers from destiny to fight your unfinished battles. They are gifts to be cherished. Cherish your daughter, have fun. Hug her a lot, tell her she is worth the world and more, and one day she will prove that she is.

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