This was my first experience of being ghosted and, while I was in shock and disbelief, a part of me just resigned to the way things turned out to be because, to be honest, ghosting is no more a rare occurrence; it has become a widespread cultural phenomenon.

What is ghosting?

Ghosting is the act of ending a relationship without saying goodbye, indeed without saying anything at all. The person just vanishes without a trace. No phone calls; no texts; no explanations. Nothing. No matter how many times you call or text, there is absolutely no response. What hurts the most is the fact that nothing prepares you for ghosting. For until it happens, you actually believe that all is well and the other person really cares for you as you care for them.

As a mental health professional, I see an average of four clients a month who have been victims of ghosting. Even though ghosting is common these days, the emotional effects can be devastating, especially to those with an already fragile self-esteem.

What did I do wrong?

I’ve never needed long and fond farewells—as someone who has been constantly on the move, never really settling down in one place or one group for long. So, I was surprised by the extent to which my friend’s ghosting bothered me. After all, I have always taken pride for being a strong person. I wondered for days and weeks what I had done wrong. Had I become so busy with my life that she felt ignored? Did she not like the way I’d “rescued” her from her abusive relationship? Had I played rescuer to someone who didn’t want to be rescued? These questions were a way for my mind to grapple with the shock—I had to tell myself something, otherwise, I felt that I might go crazy wondering what happened.

I remember profusely apologising to my friend, asking her if I’d done something that had ticked her off. I tried reaching out to her in a million different ways but to no avail. My emails, texts, and messages all went unanswered. I was quite distraught with the way it ended because it made me question the basis of my relationship: had we even been friends in the first place? Who are my real friends? Who can I trust? What if someone else ghosts me in the same manner? I know I was reacting too strongly but this is what ghosting does to you—it makes you imagine crazy things and doubt yourself and your world. For a long time, I thought that I had lost my mind. I wished that we’d had some fight and ended things. That way, at least I would have got closure and moved on. I spent a long time trying to figure out what exactly happened but, to be honest, I still don’t have a clue.

And as much as I hate to admit, despite having a somewhat acceptable explanation for why she did what she did, it still bothers me even after all these months. When a seasoned mental health professional like me can have such a tough time with ghosting, one can only imagine what someone who is already battling issues like anxiety and depression might go through if they fall prey ghosting.

What kind of people ghost?

Many clients ask me: what kind of people ghost? The answer is: everyone. It would be easy to point a finger at those who are selfish and concerned only about their own emotional comfort even at the expense of hurting others. But the truth is that in today’s era, everyone ghosts. We live at a time where instant gratification is the norm, and immediacy over intimacy is valued. Thanks to dating apps like Tinder and TrulyMadly, we live in a world governed by left and right swipes. The moment things don’t seem to be going in a favourable direction, we just swipe left and unmatch, instead of talking things over and trying to make things work—and why should we? Ain’t the sea filled with a variety of fish?

How ghosting affects you

The person who has been ghosted suffers a huge amount of pain because at some level they feel used; the experience can even be traumatic for some people. The reason people feel so terrible when they are ghosted is that the social rejection activates the same pain pathways in the brain as physical pain. It also leaves you in an ambiguous territory: you do not know how to react because you have no idea what happened. On one hand, you are so mad and upset; on the other hand, you are wondering if the other person had some freak accident and is lying in a hospital somewhere. In my case, my friend had been unwell for a long time and was busy frequenting doctors until she completely disappeared.

Being ghosted disrupts a person emotionally, and one of the most sinister aspects of ghosting is that it does not just cause you to question your relationship with that person and its validity, it makes you question yourself. How could I not see this coming? I’ve seen her do this to others; how could I be such a poor judge of character? How did I cause this? What can I do to ensure this never happens to me again? All these questions going on in the head are evidence that ghosting just shakes our self-worth and self-esteem. This form of emotional cruelty is nothing more than a passive-aggressive tactic that leaves psychological bruises and scars.

It’s not about your self-worth

If you’ve been a victim of ghosting, remember that it has nothing to do with your worthiness for love. It is only about the person who goes incommunicado. People who ghost their friends and loved ones don’t have the courage to deal with the discomfort of feelings—both their own as well as yours. They also lack the maturity to understand the impact of their behaviour; or worse, it could be that they are narcissistic and just do not care about how you feel. Whatever the reason, the lesson they end up teaching you is that they are not ready to have a real, meaningful, healthy relationship. And, because you deserve better, you should move on. It is important that victims of ghosting not shut down to other relationships. Allow yourself to be vulnerable, do what makes you happy, keep your heart open and focus forward.

And if you are a ghoster reading this post, remember that accountability is the key aspect of every relationship; and if you had the courtesy of saying ‘hello’, it isn’t too difficult to say ‘good-bye’.

What about you? Have you been ghosted? How did it feel? Leave your comments below: I would love for you to be a part of this conversation.

The post Have you been ghosted? appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Ashish prepares himself to walk into the office party. “No matter how successful I am, I never feel like I belong,” he thinks.

When someone asks Miloni what she prefers, she usually stammers uncomfortably, “Whatever you want is fine with me.”

Ketan looks around at other people walking down the street laughing and talking. “What do they have that I don’t have?” he wonders.

Rahul, Ashish, Miloni and Ketan may appear to be quite different. But actually they have more in common than they could ever know. They are all living with the same invisible force inside, a powerful, eroding experience from childhood of which they are unaware: Childhood Emotional Neglect.

Childhood Emotional Neglect [CEN]:

A parent’s failure to respond enough to the child’s emotional needs.

So CEN is not something that a parent does for a child. Instead, it’s the opposite. CEN is what the parent fails to do for the child. For example, the CEN parent fails to ask or say enough:

Are you OK?
Are you hurt?
You look sad.
What do you want?
What do you need?
What do you feel?
What do you prefer?
Why do you say that?

Here’s what to do when you’re angry.

Since CEN is not an act but a failure to act, it goes unseen, unnoticed and unremembered while it does its silent damage to people’s lives.

Of course, no child’s emotions are responded to 100 per cent correctly by his parents. They can’t be. But CEN only happens when the child’s emotions are ignored, unnoticed, or discouraged enough. When this happens, the child receives this subtle, unspoken message: Your feelings don’t matter.

When a child gets this message from her parents, two things happen: a] she pushes her emotions down and away so that they will not bother her parents; b] since her emotions are the most deeply personal, biological part of who she is, she hears her parents’ message as: You don’t matter.

Since CEN is not an act but a failure to act, it goes unseen, unnoticed and unremembered while it does its silent damage to people’s lives

Pushing feelings away is adaptive, and may be quite helpful to get through childhood. But as adults, we need our emotions. Our emotions anchor, motivate, inform, direct and connect us. Without access to this rich, grounding source of connection, we can go through decades of adulthood sensing that we are missing some vital ingredient that others have.

So the world is full of people who march through their lives with smiles on their faces, secretly confused and baffled with no explanation, hoping no one sees what they feel deep down: Something is wrong with me.

How to know if you have CEN

Since CEN is invisible and unmemorable, how can you know if you have it? The truth is it’s not simple or clear-cut. But here are five questions you can ask yourself:

• Do you struggle to feel as intensely what others seem to naturally feel, like love, happiness, warmth or sadness?
• Do you sometimes feel inexplicably alone, no matter how many people surround you or love you?
• Have you tried various efforts to address your lack of happiness, to little avail? Therapy, self-help books or even medication may help, but don’t seem to address what’s really wrong?
• Do you put others’ needs and wishes before your own? Do you struggle to know what you like, want, need and feel?
• Are you feeling something as you read these words? Does it strike a chord somewhere inside of you?

If you answered yes to any of the above, it’s a sign that you have CEN.

Steps to healing

The best thing about CEN is that you can heal from it. Every day, all around the world, people are discovering this concept and starting down a new road toward happiness and health.

What would help Rita experience more fully the good things in her life? What would help Ashish feel more like he belongs? How can Miloni find her voice? How could Ketan get what other people have? They [and you] can follow the same steps:

1. Break down your wall

   As a child, you walled off your emotions to survive. Now, you must break that wall down, brick by brick. This will take effort and persistence, but you can do it. Start paying attention to what you are feeling. Focus your attention inward at least once per day, and ask yourself, “What am I feeling?” Write down any emotions that you can identify.

2. Get to know yourself

   Children learn who they are by seeing themselves reflected in their parents’ eyes. If your parents didn’t truly get to know you, you may now, as an adult, not know yourself very well. Start paying attention to who you are: your strengths and weaknesses, preferences, likes and dislikes. What’s funny to you? What do you want? Make a list of words or phrases that describe you, and keep adding to it every day.

3. Prioritise your needs

   When you received the message that your feelings didn’t matter, your child brain understood it as you don’t matter. So now, it is vital that you learn to put yourself first. After all, you cannot do much for others if you are depleted. Work on asking others for help, expressing your wishes and preferences. Make it a goal to have an answer when someone asks you what you want, and to voice it.

4. Improve your self-care

   People with CEN are excellent at taking care of others, but not so good at taking care of themselves. Start making sure that you get enough sleep, eat well and exercise. Hold yourself accountable. This will become easier as you work on steps one to three; you will start to realise that you deserve to be taken care of.

5. Stop blaming yourself

   All these years, you have wondered what was wrong. Perhaps you’ve blamed your emptiness, your disconnection, or your lack of self-care on yourself. Perhaps you have felt flawed somehow. Now you know that you didn’t cause this, that it’s not your fault and that there are answers. So show yourself the compassion that you have for others. And recognise that you can heal.

The world is full of people who question and suffer, who are secretly baffled by what is wrong in their lives. Little do they know that there is an answer. And that it is clear, it is real, and it lies within them. So chip away your wall, and watch it crumble. Discover who you are, what you want and what you need. Ask for help, and put your needs first. Take care, and have compassion for what you did not get.

But most importantly, remind yourself each and every day: My feelings matter. And I matter.

The post Is childhood neglect keeping you from living joyfully as an adult? appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

“Caroline, you have to do your mindset voodoo thing on me,” she pleaded. “There’s a huge deal closing and I’m losing the plot. They’re going to find out that I don’t know what I’m doing. You have to help me!”

Superwoman Sarah was having an attack of imposter syndrome—and it turned out this wasn’t the first time.

How did I help

• First, I told Sarah that what she was going through is extremely common. Research shows that 70 per cent of people experience imposter syndrome at some point. [The real figure maybe much higher because shame stops some people owning up.]
• Then I walked her through a breathing exercise to calm her down.
• Finally, I asked her two questions.

10 minutes later, off she went to continue her preparations for completing the deal—if not back to her normal full-on confidence levels, at least most of the way there.

So what were the two questions that helped change her state? Before I share them with you, let’s take a look at this demon.

Research shows that 70 per cent of people experience imposter syndrome at some point

What is imposter syndrome

Imposter (or impostor) syndrome (also known as impostor phenomenon, impostorism, fraud syndrome or the impostor experience) shows up when a person’s outer evidence of achievement and ability doesn’t match up with their inner psychological and emotional landscape of occasional or permanent self-doubt. This mismatch triggers stress, typically when someone is expected to demonstrate their expertise or ability.

People experiencing imposter syndrome are unable to recognise their own competence and feel undeserving of respect and acclaim. They dismiss evidence of their previous achievements as luck or accident and believe they can’t replicate that high performance. They feel anxious and ashamed that they will be unmasked as a fraud.

The tendency presents on a sliding scale of severity, from occasional fleeting discomfort, to persistent anxiety that can seriously affect a person’s peace of mind, performance and prospects.

Typical thoughts of someone experiencing imposter syndrome:

“They’re going to find out I’m useless and think I deliberately misled them.”

“I’m going to fail in front of everyone and let them down. It’s going to be unbearable.”

“I can’t perform in the way they expect. I’m going to be humiliated.”

“I’ll never pull this off. I’m not a real expert—I don’t know what I’m doing!”

Who “discovered” imposter syndrome

The tendency was originally observed by psychologist Pauline Clance, who, with Suzanne Imes, coined the term “Imposter Phenomenon” in a 1978 research paper. Initially, it was thought of as a problem affecting high-performing women but further research confirmed that it also affected men.

Entrepreneurs, creatives and high achievers are especially affected because they’re required to showcase their expertise. Even Einstein once admitted that he felt like “an involuntary swindler”.

What causes imposter syndrome

It is believed that the tendency is caused by an inability to internalise and accept our own achievements and pay deliberate attention to what we do well. One of the reasons for this is the messages we absorb from childhood and beyond that we’re not good enough.

High-pressure working environments are breeding grounds for Imposter Syndrome. Women, in particular, face an ongoing struggle to prove their competence in the workplace, with their contribution more likely to be downgraded or trivialised. This can lead to self-doubt and self-criticism. It’s also common in male-dominated fields, where competition is fierce.

External evidence of success, such as awards, high earnings and public acclaim, make no difference to someone who experiences Imposter Syndrome. Actually, they worsen feelings of being incompetent and undeserving, and lead to a greater fear of being found out.

High-pressure working environments are breeding grounds for Imposter Syndrome

Start by asking yourself the two questions I asked Sarah:

Q1: “What is the story I’m making up about this situation?”

Sometimes, when you feel challenged or in the spotlight, unhelpful stories can emerge that affect how you think, feel and behave. You accept these “I’m not good enough” stories as gospel—but they’re not the truth! They’re just your thoughts deceiving you into believing you’re inadequate.

Work out what story you’re telling yourself when you feel like a fraud. Then challenge the veracity of that story. What cast-iron evidence do you have that it’s true? Note that thoughts and feelings are not proof.

Q2: “How else could I think, feel and behave in this situation that would lead to a better outcome?” 

When you tune into your self-talk, something significant happens. The act of interrogating your thoughts makes you aware of them. They’re no longer unconscious and automatic.

When you take something off autopilot, you regain control. Being aware of your story makes you conscious of it and now you can edit the tale you’ve been wildly spinning. Effectively, you empower yourself to choose a different ending to the story.

So ask yourself, “What would be the best outcome for me in this situation? And what do I need to think, feel and do in order to achieve that outcome?” Then practise believing it!

Work out what story you’re telling yourself when you feel like a fraud

A psychological toolkit

I emailed Sarah a list of other helpful practices which can, if not banish imposter syndrome completely, at least enable you to regain the upper hand when it pops up. Practise these five steps regularly to increase your self-acceptance and resilience:

1. Tell someone [as she did when she called me]. This gets it out of your head and into the open, where it can be challenged and normalised. It also helps to realise you’re normal and not alone.
2. Monitor your self-talk and work on self-acceptance. Get used to tuning in to your thoughts and challenging your self-criticism. Imperfection is hard-wired into us so accept that you are both fallible and intrinsically worthwhile. I advise my clients to develop the habit of speaking to themselves as though they’re a sensitive, intelligent child who deserves to be nurtured and encouraged.
3. Practise active appreciation for your achievements, skills, and hard work. You didn’t reach this level of ability by accident or luck. Keep a gratitude journal and make a point of recognising your strengths and positive qualities. Be specific. What are you good at? What do you value about yourself? What positive impact do you have on others? What have you coped with well today?
4. Comparison is rarely helpful. Plus, at least seven in 10 people you compare yourself to also feel inadequate at times! Stop comparing yourself to others and focus instead on creating the best outcome.
5. When you do something well, connect vividly with the feeling of satisfaction and fulfilment. Anchor those feelings of pleasure in vibrant memories and recall them when you feel like an imposter.

If you experience imposter syndrome often, it may be an unconscious way of flagging up that your current role or business conflicts with your values or lacks meaning for you. You may find it helpful to work with a coach to find a more meaningful way to use your skills.

So, the next time you feel as though your competence is just a mirage, tune in to your self-talk and ask yourself my two questions. Then rewrite your “I’m an imposter” story.

Good luck and let me know how you get on.

Watch the video below that explains what is imposter syndrome and how we can deal with it

The post The curious case of the Imposter Syndrome appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

A version of this article was published in the July 2013 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

The post Why People Pleasing Is Destroying Your Life (And How to Stop) appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Why we apologise when it’s not necessary

However, we tend to feel the need to apologise for things that sometimes don’t require an apology. We do this to make peace with our own conscience, to appease our own sense of guilt or to make sure that we don’t upset the other person in the quest to seek their approval. After all, most people just want others to like them.

Being aware of the way we interact with others when we think we have made a “mistake” can shape our own sense of empowerment. People with a low sense of self-esteem and people-pleasing tendencies are often the quickest to jump to an apology, but this is almost as if we are dishonouring ourselves and not feeling as important as the people in the world around us.

But what if you could approach life without feeling like you’re inconveniencing others? Would it unveil a newfound sense of freedom, confidence and self-worth? Perhaps even empowerment?

When not to apologise

Below are a few active examples of circumstances that don’t merit an apology.

If you try these out the next time you feel the need to say sorry or feel like you’re not worthy enough, see what happens and how you feel internally. Over time it will make you feel more entitled to live life on your own terms, instead of apologising for taking care of your own needs.

1. Never apologise for doing things for yourself

One thing you should never apologise for is taking time out to put yourself first. Self-care is the key to living a long and strong life. When you take time to nurture yourself, you are better able to care for others. Apologising for doing things that make you happier, healthier or wealthier is useless. For example, when I became a mother, I was just 21. I used to experience guilt when taking time for myself, whether it was going shopping alone or going to the gym. I felt like every moment of my life, I needed to put my child first. And now that I’m 35 and have just had my third child, I now know that if I don’t put myself first then I can’t be the best mother I can be for my children.

The affirmation: I’m not sorry for taking time for myself. I freely allow the space in my life to nurture my true essence in body, in mind and in spirit.

2. Never say sorry for saying, “No”

The thing to remember is that it’s totally acceptable to say no to people and not to apologise. By saying no to an invitation and not saying sorry for declining, you are setting up healthy boundaries and being honest about what you’re able to assist with and what you can’t. It’s far better to cultivate honest relationships with people than apologising to someone for not wanting to do something that will drain your energy. For example, saying no to family members can be a tough task. I’ve had to set some boundaries with my family in terms of asking them not to feed my children too many sugary treats. The key is to soften your tone when you say no to others so that you don’t come across as defensive or aggressive. Learning to be gentle when you draw boundaries with others is an incredible asset you can learn to master.

The affirmation: I’m never sorry for saying “No” and setting important boundaries. My heart is open and my tone is soft in order to communicate my wishes so that they land in a safe space.

3. Never apologise for what you believe in

You are allowed to have an opinion different from someone else. You never need to say sorry for the beliefs you hold dear to your heart. When you apologise for what you believe in or say sorry for holding a different viewpoint on a particular topic, you are being disrespectful to the core essence of who you are as a human being. For example, I am a big believer in manifesting and the law of attraction. But there are certain people out there that judge me for being too fanciful. I never say sorry for what I believe in; how passionate I feel about what I teach; or how I choose to share what I learn. Because the key factor is that we are constantly learning, growing and evolving as human beings. Our beliefs can change and transform as we grow.

The affirmation: I’m not sorry for what I believe in. My soul knows the truth.

In conclusion, the next time you feel it necessary to apologise, please take a moment to honour yourself first. Make sure you’re saying sorry for the right reasons and not just creating the space for other people to feel comfortable so that you can stay small. You are a magnificent being that deserves to live fully, vibrantly and without excuses.

The post When not to apologise appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.