Arrogance vs confidence examples

• Ignoring and denying any areas of weakness, versus accepting and admitting weaknesses
• Pointing out someone’s shortcomings, subtly or overtly, versus championing and supporting others
• Showing off versus possessing humility
• Making everything about competition versus making everything about creating value for others
• Needing to act cool versus being comfortable with who you are
• Being unreasonable versus being flexible and understanding
• Being commanding and dominating versus being assertive yet compassionate
• Often being unapproachable versus always being approachable
• Interrupting others, versus being an effective listener
• Swaggering when walking versus having a commanding presence with open body language
• Cockiness about accomplishments versus being humble around success
• Striving to always be right versus striving to find a solution
• Being constantly opinionated versus constantly being willing to listen to others’ viewpoints
• Obsessive about image versus taking pride in appearance
• Never admitting mistakes versus always being accountable to themselves
• Positioning themselves as superior versus viewing everyone as an equal
• Offering unsolicited advice, versus offering feedback when it’s requested
• Arrogance=Adolf Hitler versus Confidence= Nelson Mandela

T’ien-t’ai, a sixth-century Chinese Buddhist scholar, declared those in a state of anger as “always desiring to be superior to others”, offensively displaying self-importance and superiority. He stated that anger is akin to arrogance and may be described as frustrated arrogance.

The roots of arrogance

Arrogance is a deep fear of vulnerability. Many of us were persecuted as children by being made fun of at school or at home and so we grow up deeply insecure. The stereotypically arrogant person will always put others down, thinking that, if they do, the other person won‘t have the opportunity to put them down. I am a recovered ‘diva’, so take it from me – if you recognise yourself as having arrogant traits, do something about it. Arrogance stems from the ego, and includes a feeling of both self-contempt and contempt for others. Arrogant people feel the need to show you that they can do better than you. That they know more than you. They have an insolent pride and overbearing manner that often upsets a lot of people. That manner stems from deep insecurity, and a lack of confidence. They don’t value themselves and so they need to keep blowing their own trumpet. Arrogance is unmerited confidence. Many arrogant people display a type of shyness, because they feel that if they hide away no one will see their flaws, so they won’t be judged or criticised. However, they will always jump in with unfair and inaccurate criticism of other people.

Arrogance vs Confidence: How to spot the difference

It’s important for me to add that sometimes people who dominate the conversation are only nervous and not necessarily arrogant. Also, people might drop names to impress you because they feel insecure; it isn’t always because they are arrogant. The way to spot the difference is to look at whether they possess empathy or compassion, which only confident people possess. It is always helpful to learn skills to deal with arrogance because we can’t always avoid it. But in a social setting I recommend you stay away, as arrogant people can cause pain, especially if you get involved with them romantically. Be aware: if you question arrogant people they will react badly, don’t take their reaction personally, though, as it’s about their inability to control you.

So many people who lack confidence want to hang out with ‘cool’ arrogant people who are famous, extremely rich or good-looking and who use fake charm [which evaporates if you anger them]. Sadly these people are not achieving anything great in their own lives and are living vicariously through the other person. Arrogant people will get into character assassination behind your back, joke about people they really shouldn’t joke about, and lack empathy if someone is going through a hard time even though they may pretend to care. They themselves have been hurt badly in their past and, instead of resolving or addressing the issue, they hide it behind a mask. If they are rumbled, they deliver those old classic lines: “I was only joking”, or “Stop being so sensitive.”

It amazes me when someone who can’t sing to save their life or has never taken a risk criticises performers on The X Factor. They think it’s clever to be offensive and they generally have little insight because they are so wrapped up in themselves. The truth is that they like to control everyone which is a form of emotional abuse. If you have experienced this controlling behaviour when you were young you won’t spot it easily because it will be familiar, and, in a perverse way, comfortable, because it is what you are used to.

How Stephen moved from arrogance to confidence

“I joined a city law firm as a graduate and believed I knew more than the senior partners ignoring the tips and advice I was offered. I alienated many of my colleagues with my behaviour. I had been told as a child I was better than every one as they thought that was instilling confidence in me. I couldn’t admit to any mistakes which was where the problem lay. Five years on, I now see how being arrogant cost me so much, both personally and professionally. I am now a partner in a law firm; and having spent five years investing in self-development I now cringe when I see others play out my old behaviour.”

Stephen’s top tips

• Stop measuring your own value by externals
• Let go of the need to be right and to always have the last word
• Admit your own shortcomings to yourself
• Let go of the need to be superior

Uncovering the essence of confidence

The Tao Te Ching says:

To understand others is to have knowledge
To understand oneself us to be illuminated
To conquer others needs strength
To conquer oneself is harder still
To be content with what one has is to be rich

Confident people are rich as they have self-belief, open hearts and treat others with respect. Confident people accept themselves so they accept others as they are. Confident employers love having confident people working for them and people love being around confident people socially as they are so comfortable with themselves. Even an enemy or competitor secretly admires a self-confident person. In a relationship, the confident partner is aware of what needs to be discussed and communicates changes in a healthy way.

How to keep a check on yourself

• Develop a checklist to determine any shortcomings you may have. By compiling an inventory you will heighten your awareness and evaluate whether you are acting arrogantly
• Focus on clear intentions so you can contribute daily to your commitment to change
• Make a list of qualities you admire in others
• Focus on fixing yourself rather than fixing others
• Exercise humility and keep checking that you are on the confidence side of the “Confidence vs Arrogance” war

The post How to tell the difference between arrogance and confidence appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Co-dependency causes so much unhappiness. Research shows that co-dependency is learned in families and is passed from one generation to the next. It prevents the development of healthy, independently functioning individuals. When parents are co-dependent, this behaviour gets passed on to their children, unless they consciously make an effort to respond to their children in healthy ways. But since co-dependency is learned, it can be prevented and unlearned.

The problem is, like addiction, co-dependency is characterised by denial. This means you may not even be aware that you’re co-dependent and are unwittingly teaching it to your children. The most preventative steps you can take are to improve your self-esteem and communication. Some of the main symptoms of co-dependency are:

• Being overly focussed on someone or something
• Low self-esteem
• Non-assertive communication
• Denying or devaluing your needs, feelings and wants
• Poor boundaries
• A need for control

Children learn who they are and how to identify, value, and communicate needs and feelings through interactions with their parents. Thus, how you communicate with your children is critical to the formation of their identity and to a large extent determines how secure their sense of self and self-esteem are. As parents, here are seven key things you can do to ensure your children grow into independent adults:

1. Allow freedom of information

One of the main characteristics of healthy families and organisations, even countries, is freedom to express thoughts and observations. Keeping secrets and creating ‘no-talk’ rules are common in dysfunctional families. For instance, children are told not to mention of grandma’s limp or daddy’s drinking. This teaches children to be fearful and to doubt their perceptions and themselves. Children are naturally inquisitive about everything. This is healthy and should be encouraged, not squelched.

2. Show your children respect

Showing respect means that you listen and take them seriously, which communicates that who they are and what they think and feel have worth. You don’t have to agree with what they say, but listening to them shows that you respect them and this in turn teaches them self-respect. Speak to your children with courtesy. Avoid criticism, which is destructive to self-esteem. Instead, praise the behaviour you desire. You can set limits and explain negative consequences of behaviour you dislike without name-calling or criticising, such as, “It makes me and others angry when you tie up the bathroom for half an hour because we’re all kept waiting,” instead of, “You’re selfish and inconsiderate to hog the bathroom.” When you treat your child with respect, they will treat others with respect and expect the same in future relationships.

3. Accept your children’s feelings

Many clients tell me that they weren’t allowed to express anger, complain, feel sad, or even get excited. They learned to repress their feelings. This becomes problematic in their adult relationships and can lead to depression. Parents, often with good intentions, say, “Don’t feel sad, [or jealous, etc.]” or “Don’t raise your voice.” Allowing children to express their feelings provides a healthy outlet. Feelings needn’t be rational, nor do you have to “fix” them. Instead, comfort your children and let them know you love them, rather than try to talk them out of how they feel. However, expressing feelings doesn’t mean that they should be free to act on them. For instance, Tommy can be angry at his sister, but it’s not okay to hit her.

4. Respect your children’s boundaries

Respecting your children’s thoughts and feelings is a way of respecting their boundaries. Verbal abuse and attacks violate their boundaries, as does unwanted touch and sexual exposure or intimacy. Additionally, children’s property, space, and privacy should be respected. Reading their mail or diary or talking to their friends behind their back is definitely off-limits. This also includes tickling a child or hugging them beyond their comfort level.

5. Allow children age-appropriate decisions, responsibility, and independence

Co-dependents have problems making decisions and being interdependent in relationships. Children need support in learning how to problem-solve and make decisions. Parents usually err on one extreme or the other. Many children must take on adult responsibilities too young and never learn to rely on anyone. Some children are controlled or pampered, become dependent and don’t learn to make their own choices, while others are given unlimited freedom without guidance. Opposite types often marry each other. They have an out-of-balance marriage, where one spouse takes care of the other, and both resent it.

Children resist control because they seek self-control. They naturally push for independence. Unfortunately, independence is confused with rebelliousness and so is discouraged. Age-appropriate limits teach them self-control. When they’re ready to test their wings, they need guidance to help them make their own decisions plus the freedom to make and learn from mistakes.

6. Have reasonable, predictable, humane rules and punishments

Co-dependents often grow up in homes where there are no rules or the rules are harsh and rigid, or inconsistent and arbitrary. Children need a safe, predictable, and fair environment. When rules and punishments are arbitrary, harsh, or inconsistent, instead of learning from mistakes, children become angry and anxious, and learn to distrust their parents, authority, and others. Rules should be explicit and consistent, and parents need to be united. Rather than base rules and punishments on emotions in the moment, think through what’s important and what is reasonably enforceable, which varies as children age and are more independent. Explain rules to older children, allow them to question you, and have good reasons to back up your decisions. Research has shown that physical punishment can lead to emotional problems in adulthood. The best punishments are reasonable, humane, and relate to the natural consequences of the wrong-doing.

7. Nurture your children

You can’t give them too much love and understanding. This isn’t spoiling them. Some parent use gifts or not setting limits to show love, but that isn’t a substitute for empathy and affection, which are necessary for children to grow into confident, loving adults.

The post Seven things every parent must do to raise independent children appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

“There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.”
— Friedrich Nietzsche

Watching our children begin their incipient pursuit of love could be a source of tremendous delight, and stir pleasant memories of our own first, fumbling but exhilarating steps in the direction of the courtship that may have ultimately led to our children’s existence. Necessary as it is for teenagers to forge an enduring relationship with a loved one, the process of discovering healthy intimacy is generally a long, and sometimes harrowing, one, often comprised of one or more relationships that do not appear to be quite as healthy as caring parents would like them to be. With this in mind, it is helpful for parents to have a blueprint on hand regarding how to make sense of, and intelligently discuss, their teenagers’ relational matters, particularly if warning signs begin to reveal themselves.

Is the relationship a constructive one?

One place to start is by constructing a working definition of what characterises a loving relationship. As we all know [and may very well remember!], most teenagers who are in a romantic relationship, even one that appears to be nothing more than a superficial infatuation, will steadfastly insist that they are “really in love”. And it is invariably impossible to argue with a young adult out of this position—nor is it generally necessary to do so. Unless, of course, the relationship is a troubled one and seems to be creating more problems than it is solving for one or both of its constituents.

With this in mind, I often advise parents to explain to young lovebirds that a truly mature relationship is one in which both partners value each other, and are showing evidence of thriving as a result of valuing each other. For example, if two young romantic partners are not only treating each other well, but also their friends and family members, that is an indication that their bond is indeed a meaningful one. If they display enthusiasm for important endeavours such as academics and hobbies, and a good-natured, generous spirit when it comes to completing their responsibilities, that too, should be an indication of a constructive partnership. If, on the other hand, one or both partners seem more irritable than engaged, more contentious than cooperative, more distracted than focussed, then we, as parents, have the legitimacy to dispute their insistence that they are “in love” and encourage them to question their affection for each other.

We all yearn to be part of our children’s lives, but that yearning becomes increasingly unrequited and unanswered as they grow into adolescence

Missing the adulation that was once ours

Teenagers’ romantic unfolding is often a challenge for parents not only because we worry about the direction their relationship is moving in and the impact that it will have on their future, but also because it is a reminder of our own mortality. Nothing nudges us more forcefully into the twilight of insignificance than seeing the adulation that used to be directed our way now being directed towards someone else. We all yearn to be part of our children’s lives, but that yearning becomes increasingly unrequited and unanswered as they grow into adolescence.

Similarly, I have seen many parents take an inappropriately harsh stand against their child’s nascent romance because it reminds them of the romance that they no longer feel, either because they are alone [single, separated, divorced or widowed], or because their relationship has been sapped of vigour. The envy that we [sometimes ashamedly] encounter when we watch our children blossom into the springtime of their lives can be painful and if we do not understand the basis for that envy, it can sometimes get the best of us, prompting us to want to squelch a teen relationship that is either likely to be short-lived anyway, or potentially long-standing.

On the other hand, I have witnessed many parents attempt to re-experience the love that they are missing in their own lives through vicariously tapping into their teen’s love relationship. They may inappropriately support a connection that is imbalanced, and neglect to set the limits that prevent teens from “getting in too deep”.

Of course, it is also not uncommon for parents to be concerned for reasons that may in fact be legitimate, and, at these times, it is important to proceed thoughtfully. As noted above, adopting an overly critical viewpoint often artificially solidifies a puerile relationship, creating a “Romeo and Juliet” situation in which the lovers actually savour their parents’ antipathy to fuel their relational growth, despite how dysfunctional the relationship has become. On the other hand, simply backing off and adopting too much of a laissez-faire attitude can yield problematic outcomes as well, such as an unplanned pregnancy, STDs, and infliction of emotional or physical abuse.

It is normal for adolescents to idealise cherished adults, and for that idealisation to at times radiate a romantic glow

Dealing with their self-esteem issues

One challenge in these situations is that the individuals whom an adolescent surrounds him- or herself with are generally an accurate barometer of his or her self-regard, especially when it comes to a romantic relationship. In other words, the higher a child’s self-esteem, the higher will be the quality of the romantic partner and the more appropriate the relationship between them. So when an adolescent has become entangled in a relationship with someone whom we do not approve of or who is, in one way or another, “bad” for him/her, it is unwise to simply besiege him or her with acid commentaries and scornful criticism, since these will only further corrode his or her self-esteem, which may in turn further solidify the maladaptive bond.

With this in mind, rather than just taking a stand against the relationship, a better tactic is to ask questions that attract the teens’ curiosity regarding why s/he is engaged in this relationship, and what the potential pitfalls of continuing it, or concluding it, might be.

Here are some examples:

• I know that you have said that you are in love with your girlfriend, yet I have to say that the two of you don’t seem very happy when you are together—do you have any sense of why this is?
• Sometimes I wonder if you have outgrown your relationship with your boyfriend, yet you seem hesitant to put it to rest—what are you concerned would happen if you broke up with him? Are you more worried about how he would handle it or how you would handle it?
• Have you ever thought about the difference between someone “loving you” and someone “using you”? What do you think the difference is? When you think about your relationship, do you think it’s like being used or more like being loved?

The reality is that human beings are, in essence, creatures of love

Temporary idolisation or infatuation

Another common tendency on the part of parents is to make the mistake of overreacting to a juvenile crush that is unlikely to endure. In fact, parents who become preoccupied with a temporary relationship will often see this preoccupation backfire, as their adolescent may take great delight in having captured their parents’ attention and unnerved them so thoroughly. Sometimes the crush will be directed towards someone much older—an admired teacher, coach or mentor. Assuming that the beneficiary of the teen’s fawning worship doesn’t exploit this relationship to his/her advantage, such heated veneration does not have to become problematic. It is normal for adolescents to idealise cherished adults, and for that idealisation to at times radiate a romantic glow. In essence, falling in love with a glorified adult is a way for the adolescent to fall more deeply in love with his or her embryonic adult self, a process that in turn generally translates into a more appropriate loving relationship with a peer over time. Subsequently, unless there is evidence that a boundary is being crossed by the adult, I don’t believe it’s either required, or wise, to intervene, as these kinds of passionate obsessions usually fade out over time when left to follow their own, usually limited, course.

Your love life as an example for your child

An often neglected component of helping our adolescent children establish a solid foundation for meaningful love is to provide them with a model in our own lives, so that they enter the province of relatedness with a useful template to build from. It is obviously easier to provide this template if we are engaged in that kind of intimacy ourselves, such as a respectful and enduring marriage. But even if we are separated or divorced or perhaps never found ourselves in a flourishing relationship—we can still provide our children with an understanding of what may have gone wrong.

“Your father has many strengths, but looking back, I can see that I married him because I was lonely, and scared of staying alone, rather than because I really loved him.”

“I did care about your mom, and there were many interests that we had in common, but I did not see her as a life partner. However, I felt too guilty about ending the relationship so I just kind of went along with it, year after year, until I realised that we were never going to be happy together.”

Why adolescence romance is normal

The reality is that human beings are, in essence, creatures of love. From my perspective as a family psychologist who treats individuals from very small children to very old adults, I have come to the conclusion that healthy development ultimately depends on the capacity to pursue and find adult love, and to gradually allow that love to soften and heal the unavoidable pain that remains from our childhood.

Our adolescents’ pioneering efforts to seek out this sustaining and sustainable adult love, clumsy and consuming as these efforts may sometimes be, still deserve to be honoured and respected by their parents. In so many ways, the more we honour and respect these efforts, the more likely that the attachment that they ultimately choreograph and co-create with their eventual partner of choice will carry both of them forward towards lives of significance, depth, wholeness and dignity, lives that are guided and enriched by the infinite possibilities of love.

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In this incredibly competitive society of ours, how many of us truly feel good about ourselves? It seems such a fleeting thing—feeling good—especially as we need to feel special and above average to feel worthy. Anything less seems like a failure. I remember once as a freshman in college, after spending hours getting ready for a big party, I complained to my boyfriend that my hair, makeup, and outfit were woefully inadequate. He tried to reassure me by saying, “Don’t worry, you look fine.”

“Fine? Oh great, I always wanted to look fine…”

The desire to feel special is understandable. The problem is that, by definition, it’s impossible for everyone to be above average at the same time. Although there are some ways in which we excel, there is always someone smarter, prettier, more successful. How do we cope with this? Not very well. To see ourselves positively, we tend to inflate our own egos and put others down so that we can feel good in comparison. But this strategy comes at a price—it holds us back from reaching our full potential in life.

Distorting Mirrors

If I have to feel better than you to feel good about myself, then how clearly am I really going to see you, or myself for that matter? Let’s say I had a stressful day at work and am grumpy and irritable with my husband when he gets home later that evening [purely hypothetical, of course]. If I’m highly invested in having a positive self-image and don’t want to risk viewing myself in a negative light, I’m going to slant my interpretation of what transpires to make sure that any friction between us is seen as my husband’s fault, not my own.

“Good, you’re home. Did you pick up the groceries?”

“I just walked though the door, how about ‘Nice to see you, dear, how was your day?’ ”

“Well, if you weren’t so forgetful, maybe I wouldn’t have to always hound you.”

“As a matter of fact, I did pick up the groceries.”

“Oh . . . Well, um . . . It’s the exception that proves the rule. I wish you weren’t so unreliable.”

Not exactly a recipe for happiness.

Why is it so hard to admit when we step out of line, are rude, or act impatient? Because our ego feels so much better when we project our flaws and shortcomings on to someone else. It’s your fault, not mine. Just think about all the arguments and fights that grow out of this simple dynamic. Each person blames the other for saying or doing something wrong, justifying their own actions as if their life depended on it, while both know, in their heart of hearts, that it takes two to tango. How much time do we waste like this? Wouldn’t it be so much better if we could just confess and play fair?

But change is easier said than done. It’s almost impossible to notice those aspects of ourselves that cause problems relating to others, or that keep us from reaching our full potential, if we can’t see ourselves clearly. How can we grow if we don’t acknowledge our own weaknesses? We might temporarily feel better about ourselves by ignoring our flaws, or by believing our issues and difficulties are somebody else’s fault, but in the long run we only harm ourselves by getting stuck in endless cycles of stagnation and conflict.

The Costs of Self-Judgement

Continually feeding our need for positive self-evaluation is a bit like stuffing ourselves with candy. We get a brief sugar high, then a crash. And right after the crash comes a pendulum swing to despair as we realize that, however much we’d like to, we can’t always blame our problems on someone else. We can’t always feel special and above average. The result is often devastating. We look in the mirror and don’t like what we see [both literally and figuratively], and the shame starts to set in. Most of us are incredibly hard on ourselves when we finally admit some flaw or shortcoming. I’m not good enough. I’m worthless. It’s not surprising that we hide the truth from ourselves when honesty is met with such harsh condemnation.

In areas where it is hard to fool ourselves—when comparing our weight to those of magazine models, for instance, or our bank accounts to those of the rich and successful—we cause ourselves incredible amounts of emotional pain. We lose faith in ourselves, start doubting our potential, and become hopeless. Of course, this sorry state just yields more self-condemnation for being such a do-nothing loser, and down, down we go. Even if we do manage to get our act together, the goalposts for what counts as “good enough” always seem to remain frustratingly out of reach. We must be smart and fit and fashionable and interesting and successful and sexy. Oh, and spiritual, too. And no matter how well we do, someone else always seems to be doing it better. The result of this line of thinking is sobering: millions of people need to take pharmaceuticals every day just to cope with daily life. Insecurity, anxiety, and depression are incredibly common in our society, and much of this is due to self-judgements and beating ourselves up when we feel we aren’t winning in the game of life.

Self-Criticism Never Works

So what’s the answer? To stop judging and evaluating ourselves altogether. To stop trying to label ourselves as “good” or “bad” and simply accept ourselves with an open heart. To treat ourselves with the same kindness, caring, and compassion we would show to a good friend, or even a stranger for that matter. Sadly, however, there’s almost no one whom we treat as badly as ourselves.

When I first came across the idea of self-compassion, it changed my life almost immediately. It was during my last year in the Human Development doctoral program at the University of California at Berkeley, as I was putting the finishing touches on my dissertation. I was going through a really difficult time following the breakup of my first marriage, and I was full of shame and self-loathing. I thought signing up for meditation classes at a local Buddhist center might help. I had been interested in Eastern spirituality from the time I was a small child, having been raised by an open-minded mother just outside of Los Angeles. But I had never taken meditation seriously. I had also never examined Buddhist philosophy, as my exposure to Eastern thought had been more along California New Age lines. As part of my exploration, I read Sharon Salzberg’s classic book Lovingkindness and was never the same again.

I had known that Buddhists talk a lot about the importance of compassion, but I had never considered that having compassion for yourself might be as important as having compassion for others. From the Buddhist point of view, you have to care about yourself before you can really care about other people. If you are continually judging and criticizing yourself while trying to be kind to others, you are drawing artificial boundaries and distinctions that only lead to feelings of separation and isolation. This is the opposite of oneness, interconnection, and universal love—the ultimate goal of most spiritual paths, no matter which tradition.

I remember talking to my new fiancé, Rupert, who joined me for the weekly Buddhist group meetings, and shaking my head in amazement. “You mean you’re actually allowed to be nice to yourself, to have compassion for yourself when you mess up or are going through a really hard time? I don’t know… If I’m too self-compassionate, won’t I just be lazy and selfish?”

It took me a while to get my head around it. But I slowly came to realize that self-criticism, despite being socially sanctioned, was not at all helpful, and in fact only made things worse.

I wasn’t making myself a better person by beating myself up all the time. Instead, I was causing myself to feel inadequate and insecure, then taking out my frustration on the people closest to me. More than that, I wasn’t owning up to many things because I was so afraid of the self-hate that would follow if I admitted the truth.

What Rupert and I both came to learn was that instead of relying on our relationship to meet all our needs for love, acceptance, and security, we could actually provide some of these feelings for ourselves. And this would mean that we had even more in our hearts to give to each other. We were both so moved by the concept of self-compassion that in our marriage ceremony later that year, each of us ended our vows by saying “Most of all, I promise to help you have compassion for yourself, so that you can thrive and be happy.”

After getting my PhD, I did two years of postdoctoral training with a leading self-esteem researcher. I wanted to know more about how people determine their sense of self-worth. I quickly learned that the field of psychology was falling out of love with self-esteem as the ultimate marker of positive mental health. Although thousands of articles had been written on the importance of self-esteem, researchers were now starting to point out all the traps that people can fall into when they try to get and keep a sense of high self-esteem: narcissism, self-absorption, self-righteous anger, prejudice, discrimination, and so on. I realized that self-compassion was the perfect alternative to the relentless pursuit of self-esteem. Why? Because it offers the same protection against harsh self-criticism as self-esteem, but without the need to see ourselves as perfect or as better than others. In other words, self-compassion provides the same benefits as high self-esteem without its drawbacks.

When I got a job as an assistant professor at the University of Texas at Austin, I decided that as soon as I got settled I would conduct research on self-compassion. Although no one had yet defined self-compassion from an academic perspective—let alone done any research on it—I knew that this would be my life’s work.

So what is self-compassion? What does it mean exactly? I usually find that the best way to describe self-compassion is to start with a more familiar experience—compassion for others. After all, compassion is the same whether we direct it to ourselves or to other people.

Compassion for Others

Imagine you’re stuck in traffic on the way to work, and a homeless man tries to get you to pay him a buck for washing your car windows. “He’s so pushy!” you think to yourself, “He’ll make me miss the flight and be late. He probably just wants the money for booze or drugs anyway. Maybe if I ignore him, he’ll just leave me alone.” But he doesn’t ignore you, and you sit there hating him while he washes your window, feeling guilty if you don’t toss him some money and resentful if you do. Then one day, you’re struck as if by lightning. There you are in the same commuter traffic, at the same light, at the same time, and there’s the homeless man, with his bucket and squeegee as usual. Yet for some unknown reason, today you see him differently. You see him as a person rather than just a mere annoyance. You notice his suffering. How does he survive? Most people just shoo him away. He’s out here in the traffic and fumes all day and certainly isn’t earning much. At least he’s trying to offer something in return for the cash. It must be really tough to have people be so irritated with you all the time. I wonder what his story is? How did he end up on the streets? The moment you see the man as an actual human being who is suffering, your heart connects with him. Instead of ignoring him, you find—to your amazement—that you’re taking a moment to think about how difficult his life is. You are moved by his pain and feel the urge to help him in some way. Importantly, if what you feel is true compassion rather than mere pity, you say to yourself, “There, but for the grace of God, go I. If I’d been born in different circumstances, or maybe had just been unlucky, I might also be struggling to survive like that. We’re all vulnerable.”

Of course, that might be the moment when you harden your heart completely—your own fear of ending up on the street causing you to dehumanize this horrid heap of rags and beard. Many people do. But it doesn’t make them happy; it doesn’t help them deal with the stresses of their work, their spouse, or their child when they get home. It doesn’t help them face their own fears. If anything, this hardening of the heart, which involves feeling better than the homeless man, just makes the whole thing a little bit worse.

But let’s say you don’t close up. Let’s say you really do experience compassion for the homeless man’s misfortune. How does it feel? Actually, it feels pretty good. It’s wonderful when your heart opens—you immediately feel more connected, alive, present.

Now, let’s say the man wasn’t trying to wash windows in return for some cash. Maybe he was just begging for money to buy alcohol or drugs—should you still feel compassion for him? Yes. You don’t have to invite him home. You don’t even have to give him a buck. You may decide to give him a kind smile or a sandwich rather than money if you feel that’s the more responsible thing to do. But yes, he is still worthy of compassion—all of us are.

Compassion is not only relevant to those who are blameless victims, but also to those whose suffering stems from failures, personal weakness, or bad decisions—you know, the kind you and I make every day. Compassion, then, involves the recognition and clear seeing of suffering. It also involves feelings of kindness for people who are suffering, so that the desire to help—to ameliorate suffering—emerges. Finally, compassion involves recognizing our shared human condition, flawed and fragile as it is.

Compassion for Ourselves

Self-compassion, by definition, involves the same qualities. First, it requires that we stop to recognize our own suffering. We can’t be moved by our own pain if we don’t even acknowledge that it exists in the first place. Of course, sometimes the fact that we’re in pain is blindingly obvious and we can think of nothing else. More often than you might think, however, we don’t recognize when we are suffering. Much of western culture has a strong “stiff-upper-lip” tradition. We are taught that we shouldn’t complain, that we should just carry on [to be read in a clipped British accent while giving a smart salute]. If we’re in a difficult or stressful situation, we rarely take the time to step back and recognise how hard it is for us in the moment.

And when our pain comes from self-judgement—if you’re angry at yourself for mistreating someone, or for making some stupid remark at a party—it’s even harder to see these as moments of suffering. Like the time I asked a friend I hadn’t seen in a while, eyeing the bump of her belly, “Are we expecting?” “Er, no,” she answered, “I’ve just put on some weight lately.” “Oh . . .” I said as my face turned beet red. We typically don’t recognise such moments as a type of pain that is worthy of a compassionate response. After all, I messed up, doesn’t that mean I should be punished? Well, do you punish your friends or your family when they mess up? Okay, maybe sometimes a little, but do you feel good about it?

Everybody makes mistakes at one time or another, it’s a fact of life. And if you think about it, why should you expect anything different? Where is that written contract you signed before birth promising that you’d be perfect, that you’d never fail, and that your life would go absolutely the way you want it to? Uh, excuse me. There must be some error. I signed up for the “everything will go swimmingly until the day I die” plan. Can I speak to the management, please? It’s absurd, and yet most of us act as if something has gone terribly awry when we fall down or life takes an unwanted or unexpected turn.

One of the downsides of living in a culture that stresses the ethic of independence and individual achievement is that if we don’t continually reach our ideal goals, we feel that we only have ourselves to blame. And if we’re at fault, that means we don’t deserve compassion, right? The truth is, everyone is worthy of compassion. The very fact that we are conscious human beings experiencing life on the planet means that we are intrinsically valuable and deserving of care. According to the Dalai Lama, “Human beings by nature want happiness and do not want suffering. With that feeling everyone tries to achieve happiness and tries to get rid of suffering, and everyone has the basic right to do this… Basically, from the viewpoint of real human value we are all the same.”

We don’t have to earn the right to compassion; it is our birthright. We are human, and our ability to think and feel, combined with our desire to be happy rather than to suffer, warrants compassion for its own sake. Many people are resistant to the idea of self-compassion, however. Isn’t it really just a form of self-pity? Or a dressed-up word for self-indulgence? These assumptions are false and run directly counter to the actual meaning of self-compassion. Self-compassion involves wanting health and wellbeing for oneself and leads to proactive behavior to better one’s situation, rather than passivity. And self-compassion doesn’t mean that I think my problems are more important than yours—it just means I think that my problems are also important and worthy of being attended to. Rather than condemning yourself for your mistakes and failures, therefore, you can use the experience of suffering to soften your heart. You can let go of those unrealistic expectations of perfection that make you so dissatisfied, and open the door to real and lasting satisfaction. All by giving yourself the compassion you need in the moment.

The research that my colleagues and I have conducted over the past decade shows that self-compassion is a powerful way to achieve emotional wellbeing and contentment in our lives. By giving ourselves unconditional kindness and comfort while embracing the human experience, difficult as it is, we avoid destructive patterns of fear, negativity, and isolation. At the same time, self-compassion fosters positive mind-states such as happiness and optimism. The nurturing quality of self-compassion allows us to flourish, to appreciate the beauty and richness of life, even in hard times. When we soothe our agitated minds with self-compassion, we’re better able to notice what’s right as well as what’s wrong, so that we can orient ourselves toward that which gives us joy.

Self-compassion provides an island of calm, a refuge from the stormy seas of endless positive and negative self-judgement, so that we can finally stop asking, “Am I as good as they are? Am I good enough?” Right here at our fingertips we have the means to provide ourselves with the warm, supportive care we deeply yearn for. By tapping into our inner wellsprings of kindness, acknowledging the shared nature of our imperfect human condition, we can start to feel more secure, accepted, and alive.

In many ways self-compassion is like magic, because it has the power to transform suffering into joy. In her book Emotional Alchemy: How the Mind Can Heal the Heart, Tara Bennett-Goleman uses the metaphor of alchemy to symbolize the spiritual and emotional transformation that’s possible when we embrace our pain with caring concern. When we give ourselves compassion, the tight knot of negative self-judgement starts to dissolve, replaced by a feeling of peaceful, connected acceptance—a sparkling diamond that emerges from the coal.

If you feel that you lack sufficient self-compassion, check in with yourself—are you criticizing yourself for this, too? If so, stop right there. Try to feel compassion for how difficult it is to be an imperfect human being in this extremely competitive society of ours. Our culture does not emphasize self-compassion, quite the opposite. We’re told that no matter how hard we try, our best just isn’t good enough. It’s time for something different. We can all benefit by learning to be more self-compassionate, and now is the perfect time to start.

You can determine your precise level of self-compassion using the self-compassion scale I developed for my research. Go to my website—www.self-compassion.org—and click on the “How Self-Compassionate Are You?” link. After filling out a series of questions, your level of self-compassion will be calculated for you. You may want to record your score and take the test again after reading my book, to determine if you’ve increased your level of self-compassion with practice. You can’t always have high self-esteem and your life will continue to be flawed and imperfect—but self-compassion will always be there, waiting for you, a safe haven. In good times and bad, whether you’re on top of the world or at the bottom of the heap, self-compassion will keep you going, helping you move to a better place. It does take work to break the self-criticizing habits of a lifetime, but at the end of the day, you are only being asked to relax, allow life to be as it is, and open your heart to yourself. It’s easier than you might think, and it could change your life.

The post The High Cost of Beating Yourself Up Habitually appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Ashish prepares himself to walk into the office party. “No matter how successful I am, I never feel like I belong,” he thinks.

When someone asks Miloni what she prefers, she usually stammers uncomfortably, “Whatever you want is fine with me.”

Ketan looks around at other people walking down the street laughing and talking. “What do they have that I don’t have?” he wonders.

Rahul, Ashish, Miloni and Ketan may appear to be quite different. But actually they have more in common than they could ever know. They are all living with the same invisible force inside, a powerful, eroding experience from childhood of which they are unaware: Childhood Emotional Neglect.

Childhood Emotional Neglect [CEN]:

A parent’s failure to respond enough to the child’s emotional needs.

So CEN is not something that a parent does for a child. Instead, it’s the opposite. CEN is what the parent fails to do for the child. For example, the CEN parent fails to ask or say enough:

Are you OK?
Are you hurt?
You look sad.
What do you want?
What do you need?
What do you feel?
What do you prefer?
Why do you say that?

Here’s what to do when you’re angry.

Since CEN is not an act but a failure to act, it goes unseen, unnoticed and unremembered while it does its silent damage to people’s lives.

Of course, no child’s emotions are responded to 100 per cent correctly by his parents. They can’t be. But CEN only happens when the child’s emotions are ignored, unnoticed, or discouraged enough. When this happens, the child receives this subtle, unspoken message: Your feelings don’t matter.

When a child gets this message from her parents, two things happen: a] she pushes her emotions down and away so that they will not bother her parents; b] since her emotions are the most deeply personal, biological part of who she is, she hears her parents’ message as: You don’t matter.

Since CEN is not an act but a failure to act, it goes unseen, unnoticed and unremembered while it does its silent damage to people’s lives

Pushing feelings away is adaptive, and may be quite helpful to get through childhood. But as adults, we need our emotions. Our emotions anchor, motivate, inform, direct and connect us. Without access to this rich, grounding source of connection, we can go through decades of adulthood sensing that we are missing some vital ingredient that others have.

So the world is full of people who march through their lives with smiles on their faces, secretly confused and baffled with no explanation, hoping no one sees what they feel deep down: Something is wrong with me.

How to know if you have CEN

Since CEN is invisible and unmemorable, how can you know if you have it? The truth is it’s not simple or clear-cut. But here are five questions you can ask yourself:

• Do you struggle to feel as intensely what others seem to naturally feel, like love, happiness, warmth or sadness?
• Do you sometimes feel inexplicably alone, no matter how many people surround you or love you?
• Have you tried various efforts to address your lack of happiness, to little avail? Therapy, self-help books or even medication may help, but don’t seem to address what’s really wrong?
• Do you put others’ needs and wishes before your own? Do you struggle to know what you like, want, need and feel?
• Are you feeling something as you read these words? Does it strike a chord somewhere inside of you?

If you answered yes to any of the above, it’s a sign that you have CEN.

Steps to healing

The best thing about CEN is that you can heal from it. Every day, all around the world, people are discovering this concept and starting down a new road toward happiness and health.

What would help Rita experience more fully the good things in her life? What would help Ashish feel more like he belongs? How can Miloni find her voice? How could Ketan get what other people have? They [and you] can follow the same steps:

1. Break down your wall

   As a child, you walled off your emotions to survive. Now, you must break that wall down, brick by brick. This will take effort and persistence, but you can do it. Start paying attention to what you are feeling. Focus your attention inward at least once per day, and ask yourself, “What am I feeling?” Write down any emotions that you can identify.

2. Get to know yourself

   Children learn who they are by seeing themselves reflected in their parents’ eyes. If your parents didn’t truly get to know you, you may now, as an adult, not know yourself very well. Start paying attention to who you are: your strengths and weaknesses, preferences, likes and dislikes. What’s funny to you? What do you want? Make a list of words or phrases that describe you, and keep adding to it every day.

3. Prioritise your needs

   When you received the message that your feelings didn’t matter, your child brain understood it as you don’t matter. So now, it is vital that you learn to put yourself first. After all, you cannot do much for others if you are depleted. Work on asking others for help, expressing your wishes and preferences. Make it a goal to have an answer when someone asks you what you want, and to voice it.

4. Improve your self-care

   People with CEN are excellent at taking care of others, but not so good at taking care of themselves. Start making sure that you get enough sleep, eat well and exercise. Hold yourself accountable. This will become easier as you work on steps one to three; you will start to realise that you deserve to be taken care of.

5. Stop blaming yourself

   All these years, you have wondered what was wrong. Perhaps you’ve blamed your emptiness, your disconnection, or your lack of self-care on yourself. Perhaps you have felt flawed somehow. Now you know that you didn’t cause this, that it’s not your fault and that there are answers. So show yourself the compassion that you have for others. And recognise that you can heal.

The world is full of people who question and suffer, who are secretly baffled by what is wrong in their lives. Little do they know that there is an answer. And that it is clear, it is real, and it lies within them. So chip away your wall, and watch it crumble. Discover who you are, what you want and what you need. Ask for help, and put your needs first. Take care, and have compassion for what you did not get.

But most importantly, remind yourself each and every day: My feelings matter. And I matter.

The post Is childhood neglect keeping you from living joyfully as an adult? appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

“Caroline, you have to do your mindset voodoo thing on me,” she pleaded. “There’s a huge deal closing and I’m losing the plot. They’re going to find out that I don’t know what I’m doing. You have to help me!”

Superwoman Sarah was having an attack of imposter syndrome—and it turned out this wasn’t the first time.

How did I help

• First, I told Sarah that what she was going through is extremely common. Research shows that 70 per cent of people experience imposter syndrome at some point. [The real figure maybe much higher because shame stops some people owning up.]
• Then I walked her through a breathing exercise to calm her down.
• Finally, I asked her two questions.

10 minutes later, off she went to continue her preparations for completing the deal—if not back to her normal full-on confidence levels, at least most of the way there.

So what were the two questions that helped change her state? Before I share them with you, let’s take a look at this demon.

Research shows that 70 per cent of people experience imposter syndrome at some point

What is imposter syndrome

Imposter (or impostor) syndrome (also known as impostor phenomenon, impostorism, fraud syndrome or the impostor experience) shows up when a person’s outer evidence of achievement and ability doesn’t match up with their inner psychological and emotional landscape of occasional or permanent self-doubt. This mismatch triggers stress, typically when someone is expected to demonstrate their expertise or ability.

People experiencing imposter syndrome are unable to recognise their own competence and feel undeserving of respect and acclaim. They dismiss evidence of their previous achievements as luck or accident and believe they can’t replicate that high performance. They feel anxious and ashamed that they will be unmasked as a fraud.

The tendency presents on a sliding scale of severity, from occasional fleeting discomfort, to persistent anxiety that can seriously affect a person’s peace of mind, performance and prospects.

Typical thoughts of someone experiencing imposter syndrome:

“They’re going to find out I’m useless and think I deliberately misled them.”

“I’m going to fail in front of everyone and let them down. It’s going to be unbearable.”

“I can’t perform in the way they expect. I’m going to be humiliated.”

“I’ll never pull this off. I’m not a real expert—I don’t know what I’m doing!”

Who “discovered” imposter syndrome

The tendency was originally observed by psychologist Pauline Clance, who, with Suzanne Imes, coined the term “Imposter Phenomenon” in a 1978 research paper. Initially, it was thought of as a problem affecting high-performing women but further research confirmed that it also affected men.

Entrepreneurs, creatives and high achievers are especially affected because they’re required to showcase their expertise. Even Einstein once admitted that he felt like “an involuntary swindler”.

What causes imposter syndrome

It is believed that the tendency is caused by an inability to internalise and accept our own achievements and pay deliberate attention to what we do well. One of the reasons for this is the messages we absorb from childhood and beyond that we’re not good enough.

High-pressure working environments are breeding grounds for Imposter Syndrome. Women, in particular, face an ongoing struggle to prove their competence in the workplace, with their contribution more likely to be downgraded or trivialised. This can lead to self-doubt and self-criticism. It’s also common in male-dominated fields, where competition is fierce.

External evidence of success, such as awards, high earnings and public acclaim, make no difference to someone who experiences Imposter Syndrome. Actually, they worsen feelings of being incompetent and undeserving, and lead to a greater fear of being found out.

High-pressure working environments are breeding grounds for Imposter Syndrome

Start by asking yourself the two questions I asked Sarah:

Q1: “What is the story I’m making up about this situation?”

Sometimes, when you feel challenged or in the spotlight, unhelpful stories can emerge that affect how you think, feel and behave. You accept these “I’m not good enough” stories as gospel—but they’re not the truth! They’re just your thoughts deceiving you into believing you’re inadequate.

Work out what story you’re telling yourself when you feel like a fraud. Then challenge the veracity of that story. What cast-iron evidence do you have that it’s true? Note that thoughts and feelings are not proof.

Q2: “How else could I think, feel and behave in this situation that would lead to a better outcome?” 

When you tune into your self-talk, something significant happens. The act of interrogating your thoughts makes you aware of them. They’re no longer unconscious and automatic.

When you take something off autopilot, you regain control. Being aware of your story makes you conscious of it and now you can edit the tale you’ve been wildly spinning. Effectively, you empower yourself to choose a different ending to the story.

So ask yourself, “What would be the best outcome for me in this situation? And what do I need to think, feel and do in order to achieve that outcome?” Then practise believing it!

Work out what story you’re telling yourself when you feel like a fraud

A psychological toolkit

I emailed Sarah a list of other helpful practices which can, if not banish imposter syndrome completely, at least enable you to regain the upper hand when it pops up. Practise these five steps regularly to increase your self-acceptance and resilience:

1. Tell someone [as she did when she called me]. This gets it out of your head and into the open, where it can be challenged and normalised. It also helps to realise you’re normal and not alone.
2. Monitor your self-talk and work on self-acceptance. Get used to tuning in to your thoughts and challenging your self-criticism. Imperfection is hard-wired into us so accept that you are both fallible and intrinsically worthwhile. I advise my clients to develop the habit of speaking to themselves as though they’re a sensitive, intelligent child who deserves to be nurtured and encouraged.
3. Practise active appreciation for your achievements, skills, and hard work. You didn’t reach this level of ability by accident or luck. Keep a gratitude journal and make a point of recognising your strengths and positive qualities. Be specific. What are you good at? What do you value about yourself? What positive impact do you have on others? What have you coped with well today?
4. Comparison is rarely helpful. Plus, at least seven in 10 people you compare yourself to also feel inadequate at times! Stop comparing yourself to others and focus instead on creating the best outcome.
5. When you do something well, connect vividly with the feeling of satisfaction and fulfilment. Anchor those feelings of pleasure in vibrant memories and recall them when you feel like an imposter.

If you experience imposter syndrome often, it may be an unconscious way of flagging up that your current role or business conflicts with your values or lacks meaning for you. You may find it helpful to work with a coach to find a more meaningful way to use your skills.

So, the next time you feel as though your competence is just a mirage, tune in to your self-talk and ask yourself my two questions. Then rewrite your “I’m an imposter” story.

Good luck and let me know how you get on.

Watch the video below that explains what is imposter syndrome and how we can deal with it

The post The curious case of the Imposter Syndrome appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

One reason why these decision points become a tricky tightrope walk for so many of us is because we tend to feel guilty when we’re not giving to others or meeting their demands. We’ve been told that “it’s better to give than to receive”. But we forget that to keep on giving our best to others, we must also give to ourselves—and see ourselves as worthy of receiving.

Admittedly, when we ignore our own needs, it’s not a pretty picture. Not only do we become grouchy and unhappy but the people around us become miserable too. Instead of nagging, complaining, and blaming others when you feel off-kilter, try these 10 strategies for honoring yourself so you can free up your energy and focus on what’s really important.

10 Powerful Ways to Honor Yourself and Make Yourself a Priority

1. Be honest

You cannot honor yourself unless you are first honest with yourself. Quite often, we do not take the time to care for ourselves because we don’t even realize we are hurting ourselves.

The busyness of the day can drown out our inner voice. Check in with yourself regularly, even if it’s once a day, and ask yourself: What am I feeling now? What are those feelings trying to tell me? If they could talk, what would they say? If you have a hard time identifying your true feelings and needs, buy a journal, take some quiet time, and start writing down the answers to those questions. Writing can be an effective way to bring hidden feelings to the surface.

2. Plug back in

During the natural ebb and flow of our days, we all need relief. When your energy is dipping, it’s time to shift gears from an active to a receptive mode. If you don’t take time to satisfy your own needs, you’ll find that you actually sabotage yourself because you can’t concentrate on the task at hand. The trick is to recognize when you need to recharge before you become physically or emotionally wiped out. Then make time to plug back into your energy source and do what re-energizes you—whether you take a walk in nature, meditate, listen to a favorite piece of music, get a massage, go away for the weekend, play a game, or simply close your eyes, do nothing, and take a few long, deep breaths.

3. Draw healthy boundaries

Learning to draw boundaries is a skill. If you are not used to doing that, it can feel uncomfortable at first. Start by practising on small issues. Turn off your phone when you need to concentrate, rather than being at everyone’s beck and call, ask a family member to make dinner, or tell friends you’re not available when you want to spend an evening alone. As you learn to set boundaries in situations like these, you will find it easier to deal with larger issues that surface.

Related » To prevent burnout, set clear boundaries

4. Ask for support but make your own decisions

When you’re unclear about how to deal with a situation, don’t be shy about asking for support. Seeking help shows that you deeply care about yourself and for those who will be impacted by your choices and that you are willing to do what it takes to make the best decision. Reach out to someone who is not emotionally invested in the issue you are dealing with or who has expertise in that field. Once you get advice and a healthy dose of perspective from someone you respect, turn within and be sure to honor yourself by making your own final decision.

5. Write a love letter to yourself

Have a problem with self-esteem? Don’t worry; many of us do. We hold ourselves to impossible standards and then criticize ourselves when we don’t meet them. Yet the world’s sages, not to mention the top management gurus, tell us that life is a continual learning process. Try this tip to cheer yourself when the going gets rough: Write a loving and encouraging note to yourself as if you were your own coach or cheerleader. Then pop it in an envelope and mail it to yourself [that’s right—by snail mail]. When you’re traveling, send a postcard with an inspiring message to your home address. Right before shutting down your email for the night, send yourself a message of appreciation so that you’ll see it first thing in the morning when you check your inbox. Develop the habit of voting for yourself no matter what is happening around you. These little things you do are powerful ways to honor yourself.

Related » The most difficult love letter I ever wrote

6. Hang out with people who celebrate you

If you are in a relationship with someone who constantly judges and belittles you, you have a duty to remove yourself from that toxic energy by saying goodbye for good. Allowing yourself to be pressured or pummeled by those who don’t appreciate your inner gifts will only eat away at your energy and enthusiasm, stunt your creativity, and make you feel depressed or even sick. It’s not your job to fit into someone else’s mold of who they think you should be. Your job is to be you.

Related » Feeling stuck in life? Check the company you keep

7. Speak up

Most people aren’t mind readers. Clearly communicate your needs by letting others know what you need. When you disagree with a friend about what to do on a holiday, don’t be the one who always gives in and then wastes time stewing about it for days. Make sure both of your needs are met. If the food you order at a restaurant is cold or overcooked, flag down the waiter and respectfully point out the problem rather than complaining about it later. When someone at work spreads dangerous rumors or lies that jeopardize your job, don’t retreat and complain to friends behind closed doors or torture yourself with worry. Take action. Don’t blame or shame others by calling them names or criticizing them, but calmly focus on the words they said. There may be a real misunderstanding that you now have the opportunity to clear up. Address any misconceptions with facts to support your case. Even if others don’t accept the truth, you have stood up for yourself and can feel free to move on.

8. Create spaces in your relationships

Being in a relationship doesn’t mean you need to give up being yourself. No two people have all the same interests, and it’s not healthy to expect that to be the case. In fact, you may get irritated with those you love simply because you need some regular time apart, some breathing space. Do you encourage yourself and your partner to pursue your own individual interests? Take some dedicated time for your own self-development, hobbies, or spiritual growth and allow your partner to do the same. This way you will honor yourself and your partner. What’s great about this that you’ll end up having more to offer each other as a result.

9. Put yourself at the top of your to-do list

Don’t wait until you’ve checked off all the items on your daily to-do list before giving yourself what you need—physically, emotionally and spiritually. Be sure to schedule dedicated time on your calendar for yourself so that you aren’t the item that gets constantly bumped off the list for yet another day. Recharging your batteries is not optional. It’s a bona fide part of your schedule. It’s exactly what you need to stay healthy and in balance so you can give your best to your loved ones and the world.

10. Share your life wisdom

Each one of us has a particular wisdom we have garnered through our life experiences. Be sure to draw from your well of wisdom to help others. Don’t know where to start? Think about a challenging experience that taught you something valuable, or an insight from a book, or a talk that sparked an “aha!” moment for you. At the right time, share that insight with someone you think would benefit from the lessons you’ve learned, whether it’s a colleague, a stranger you’ve struck up a conversation with, or a member of a community group you belong to. You honor yourself when you value the gifts and lessons you have been given and then offer that precious wisdom from your heart to uplift the hearts of others.

Start to Honor Yourself Today

Starting today, you can honor yourself by taking small but meaningful steps. Begin with one or two of these actions:

1. Pause and check in – Take a few minutes to sit quietly and ask yourself how you’re really feeling. Acknowledge your needs without judgment.
2. Set a boundary – Choose one area where you feel overextended and practice saying “no” or delegating a task to someone else.
3. Schedule self-care – Block out 15-30 minutes on your calendar today to do something that recharges you, like taking a walk, meditating, or reading a book.
4. Affirm yourself – Write a quick note of encouragement or appreciation to yourself. Remind yourself that you’re worthy of receiving care and attention too.

By taking these small steps, you’ll start building a habit of honoring yourself, making self-care a natural part of your life.

Summing up

Honoring yourself is not a luxury; it’s a necessity for living a balanced and fulfilling life. When you honor yourself, you make yourself a priority; you give yourself the space to grow, recharge, and thrive. By setting healthy boundaries, being honest about your needs, and surrounding yourself with supportive people, you’re not just nurturing your own well-being—you’re also equipping yourself to show up fully for others. Ultimately, when you begin to honor yourself, you also begin to live with more purpose, energy, and joy. Remember, self-care isn’t selfish—it’s the foundation for everything else.

The post 10 Powerful Ways to Honor Yourself appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

A version of this article was published in the July 2013 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

The post Why People Pleasing Is Destroying Your Life (And How to Stop) appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

After dinner, Radha went to wash her hands when she saw Richa picking up the soap from the washbasin and putting it in her pocket. She watched in disbelief but then thought Richa was playing some sort of game. She wanted to ask Richa to return the items, but hesitated. And she certainly didn’t want to bring up this topic with Sonam because she thought it would spoil their friendship, and that too over silly items like a spoon and soap bar. After they left, Radha had a lot of questions. How could the child steal? Doesn’t she know stealing is bad? And why would she steal something as ordinary as a spoon and soap bar?

The next day, Radha received a call from Sonam who apologised profusely. She had just seen the items. She then told Radha that Richa suffered from kleptomania, and that she was getting help for it.

What is the difference between thieving and kleptomania?

Kleptomania is a psychological disorder wherein the person feels a compulsion to steal something without having any personal or monetary gain in mind. It is an impulse control disorder in which the person steals simply because she cannot resist stealing, not because she needs the item.

Children with kleptomania do not pick up very expensive or trendy items. On the contrary, they usually pick up petty items like pencils, balls and bottle caps, which cost too little and are probably even useless. They feel extremely tense just before the urge kicks in. This anxiety keeps mounting till they succeed in picking up something. After they manage to sneak the item into their bag or pocket, they experience a surge of relief and happiness. In many cases, if they do not succeed in their attempt, they get very aggressive, anxious or withdrawn.

Kleptomania is different from thievery in that in the latter, people steal for reasons like monetary gain, revenge, greed or envy. The reasons behind kleptomania and ordinary stealing are significantly diverse.

Why would a child steal compulsively?

Though it is difficult to understand the exact reasons behind compulsive stealing, here are few common ones:

Obsessive compulsive disorder: A child could have OCD, which forces her to pick up items whether she needs them or not. In this case stealing is a compulsive ritual and it helps to minimise her anxieties.

Very low self-esteem: A child who feels others perform well in academics, sports, social activities while she feels like a consistently poor performer may develop low self-esteem. If a child’s real-life experiences are always depleting her ego, she may try to pump it up. Unconsciously, she may want to boost her ego by secretly doing something, which she thinks she can get away with. Picking up something that doesn’t belong to her may be a way to simply increase her self-confidence.

Feelings of deprivation: A child who feels a big void inside due to a strong sense of deprivation may try to fill the void by taking random things. This sense of deprivation may be totally unjustified to an onlooker. For example, a child may be feeling unloved by her father. Though others can vouch for her father’s love and involvement, she does not feel it. We are not talking about reality here, but the child’s perception that creates the void in her psyche. She may start picking up her things belonging to her friends’ fathers—simple items things like pens—to fill this void. Since the objects can never compensate for what is really missing, the child continues to steal.

Other psychological issues: Some children have a poor concept of personal boundaries. They cannot understand what belongs to them and what does not. They do not appreciate the social rules. When they learn a rule, they want to test it without others’ knowing, of course. They feel everything belongs to them.

What can you do?

First, you need to check whether your child is pilfering to get your attention or if it is indeed kleptomania. If she has kleptomania, coaching the child on the virtues of honesty is futile because in this case she is not picking up something that doesn’t belong to her for personal gain. She simply cannot control herself. This is a key point in analysing the reasons behind the problem as well the remedial steps to be taken.

Psychotherapy seems to be the best way to intervene in cases of kleptomania. Understanding the root causes behind this compulsive stealing is vital.

• The first step is to thoroughly analyse what need the theft is fulfilling.
• Once the core want has been identified, then helping the child fulfil that basic need is the next step. This often helps the child get over her psychological issues.
• Cognitive behaviour therapy is also effective in treating kleptomania. Children are exposed to temptations to steal in various situations under a therapist’s supervision. The therapist then guides them on how to curb their temptations.
• In severe cases, bio-medical interventions like mood stabilisers and anti-depressants might be required. Researchers have found that the medication numbs certain parts of the brain that generate pleasure by when the child steals.

Treat with care and kindness

Children with kleptomania generally don’t remember how the item came into their possession. Always keep in mind that they are not stealing out of revenge or personal gain. They are suffering from a mental condition. So, confronting them for the theft or punishing them will do more harm than good. Remember, these children are already emotionally fragile. They lose the trust of others in them; they often lose their friends over stealing rows. They may even be branded as thieves.

Parents need to be careful when dealing with such children. If you notice signs of kleptomania in someone else’s child, bring up the subject with the child’s parents. If you think your child might have kleptomania, don’t delay getting help.

A gentle and understanding approach works best.

This was first published in the March 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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What a tragic statement. Why should it hurt to be yourself? Imagine going through life never feeling completely known, never feeling like you are seen or affirmed for who you really are in your divine uniqueness. That does hurt a lot!

So it’s time to focus, not on what is seen on the outside, but on what is true about us on the inside; to embrace and honour the Sacred Imprint in each of us that continues to shape us into courageous, confident and compassionate people.

Why living the truth is so difficult

Scott Peck, psychiatrist and best-selling author, begins his first book The Road Less Traveled with three simple words: “Life is difficult.”

He then goes on to explain, “The hardest thing in life is to base life upon truth, reality.  If our lives are to be healthy and our spirits are to grow, we must be dedicated to the truth. For truth is reality. And the more clearly we see the reality of the world, the better equipped we are to deal with the world.”

The first question you and I have to ask ourselves is “are we living our lives [basing our thoughts, feelings and behaviours] on truth?  Or are we living life based on unreality, fantasy and denials of truth?”

An ego-driven culture

One of the reasons it’s so difficult living in truth and reality is that it is so often counter-cultural and certainly counter-ego. Our ego, reinforced by culture, tells us that what we see in front of us is what’s real, is what defines us, is what matters—the groups we associate with or don’t associate with, the tribe or caste we belong to, the clothes we wear, the amount of money we make, our various life orientations, our positions and status in society and how much power and influence we have.

The goal turns into simply trying to fit in to this societal picture—or else drop out or feel left out. Our value becomes determined by how we measure up to people‘s standards—the more we measure up, the more value and worth we’re given—that’s ego and culture-driven identity.

And since our ego is primarily about personal survival, it will influence us to do whatever we must, to survive in this world. So, we tell ourselves that we must fit in at all costs or drop out. It’s very difficult to swim against the current!

The story of Patch Adams

Have you seen the movie “Patch Adams?”  The film is based upon the true story of Hunter Adams, eminent American physician and humanitarian who changed the way medicine trained doctors. The story opens in a psychiatric ward in 1969.  Hunter Adams has committed himself to the hospital because he’s suicidal and having great difficulty getting a handle on life. When he’s admitted, and the orderly is showing him around the floor, he’s almost accosted by a patient, an old man, who runs up to him, shoves four fingers into his face and asks, “How many fingers?  How many fingers?” When Hunter replies, “Four,” the old man shouts angrily, “Idiot!  Moron!”  And then he goes stomping off.

The orderly tells Hunter the man’s name. “Arthur Mendelsohn.” Hunter replies, “The Arthur Mendelsohn?” “The very one,” the orderly replies. “Brad Beet Industries, the most innovative mind of our times. He’s here self-committed, the genius syndrome, Howard Hughes-type stuff. Look at him now! He can’t even count the windows or even his own fingers. He spends his time digging into the creative potential of the human mind—a deep thinker who’s dug too deep!”

One night Hunter comes to Arthur’s room. Arthur’s working away at his desk, creating complex mathematical formulas on a piece of paper. Hunter asks him, “The fingers, Arthur. Tell me about the fingers. What’s the answer?” Arthur continues his work without paying attention to Hunter. Hunter suddenly notices that the styrofoam cup of coffee on Arthur’s desk has a leak in it. Coffee is dripping out all over the desk.  Hunter takes a piece of tape and puts it over the hole.  It stops the leaking.

See past appearances

Arthur notices and looks up. He takes Hunter’s hand in his, holds up four fingers, and asks, “How many fingers do you see, Hunter?” Hunter says, “Four, Arthur. There are four fingers you’re holding up.” “No, no!  Don’t look at the four fingers. Look beyond the four fingers. How many do you see?” Hunter lets his gaze rise just above the four fingers and looks in the distance, his eyes a bit blurry. Suddenly, it’s as clear as day. “I see eight fingers, Arthur. Eight!” “Yes, eight!  Right answer! You see, Hunter, if you focus on the problem you’ll never see the solution. You have to look beyond the four fingers to see eight!”

Hunter then asks Arthur, “What do you see when you look at me, Arthur?” Arthur glances down at his cup of coffee that isn’t leaking any more. “You fixed my cup. See you around, Patch.”

If you focus on the problem, you can’t see the solution. And what is the problem everyone has been focussing on that Arthur is referring to?

Both men are looking at each other now, not based upon what they see in front of their eyes, on the outside—the grey hair, unshaved faces, loony-bin surroundings, crazy rantings and ravings—but they’re now looking at each other based upon what they see inside the other. Beyond the outside.

Hunter sees Arthur as a brilliant man who still has tons to offer. And Arthur sees Hunter as a caring person who is skilled at helping others and mending “brokenness”. So Arthur paints a new vision for Hunter. He gives Hunter a new name:  Patch. “You fixed my cup.” And that new vision empowers Patch to turn his life around and embark on what turns out in the end to be a successful medical career of bringing wholeness to hundreds of people.

How to be alive with divine vision

Here’s the way Dr Larry Crabb, in his book Connecting, describes it:  “A divine vision lets us ignore lots of problems that a selfish vision requires us to focus on. We need to think vision, not problems. And we need to think divine vision not selfish vision.”

Dr Crabb is reminding us of a very significant human truth:  every person has been stamped with the divine image. We are, at the core, beings of infinite value, worth, goodness and potential. We each have a Spirit-breathed uniqueness imprinted on the essence of our being.

Sacred scriptures refer to human beings as clay pots, which hold the inestimable treasure of God’s glory. These clay pots have cracks in them. Most of us would admit we often act like ‘cracked pots.’ But the purpose of the cracks is to allow this Glory to shine through and bless the world.

So the very reality that we often get judged by—our externals, the ‘cracked containers’ of our lives—is in fact a conduit to expose the divine goodness and let it shine through.

Vessels holding divine glory

We may be ordinary crackpots, but we are vessels holding the glory of God, each having the Spirit-breathed imprint of uniqueness stamped on our souls, containers of God’s life and grace unfolding in us. Now that’s a powerful truth and reality.

For this reason, we have to look beyond the four fingers to what often cannot be seen on the outside in order to see the truth. We must come to embrace and honour this truth about ourselves and others. Imagine how differently we would show up in the world and in other people’s lives if we were seeing through God’s eyes. We would truly be able to bless each other in honour and deep respect and compassion.

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