At MySpecialDates, you’ll discover a stunning platform where you can meet new people and potentially find your perfect match. But before consider the details, let’s focus on any doubts you may have.

Rest assured, our thorough testing has shown that MySpecialDates lives up to its promises.

With its premium-class search and matching tools, MySpecialDates ensures that you’ll always feel welcome and supported.

The benefits of free registration, advanced support, and profile validity verification contribute to the overall positive experience.

So, why choose MySpecialDates over other dating sites? We’ll answer this question and more as we delve deeper into our review.

Let’s see if MySpecialDates is the platform for your dating needs.

Understanding MySpecialDates

MySpecialDates is a captivating online dating site that aims to connect individuals seeking meaningful relationships. With its array of impressive features and offerings, this platform has garnered praise from both users and experts in the field.

The majority of users fall between their twenties and forties, making it an ideal space for those looking for companionship or love after 40. MySpecialDates provides a safe and secure environment for individuals to interact, thanks to its premium search and matching tools.

Free registration, advanced support, and profile verification add to the overall appeal of the site. Now that we know what MySpecialDates is, let’s see how it works.

Core Features of MySpecialDates

• Create lists of chats with potential matches
• 24/7 customer support and assistance
• Strict moderation team for verifying profiles and photos
• Verified and certified features for a secure dating experience
• Ability to block and report chats with unwanted matches

The core features of MySpecialDates are designed to provide users with a secure and enjoyable experience.

From creating lists of chats with potential matches to 24/7 customer support and assistance, and from a strict moderation team to verify profiles and photos to verified and certified features for a secure dating experience, MySpecialDates offers a combination of features to ensure an enjoyable and safe experience. Additionally, users are able to block and report chats with unwanted matches for extra peace of mind.

Now that we have an understanding of what MySpecialDates offers，let’s delve into how this remarkable platform functions.

How MySpecialDates Works

MySpecialDates is an impressive online dating site that offers a range of tools and features to help you meet new people and establish meaningful relationships. With its user-friendly interface and advanced search capabilities, MySpecialDates makes it easy to find potential soulmates who share your interests and values.

To get started，simply create a registered profile by providing your email, name, and date of birth.

How MySpecialDates Works

Create: a registered profile on MySpecialDates by providing your email, name, and date of birth.

Explore: the search and matching tools on the website to find potential soulmates.

Browse: through profiles and read detailed information about each user to determine compatibility.

Initiate: contact by sending messages to the individuals you are interested in.

Use: the advanced support and proof of profile validity features to ensure a safe and reliable dating experience.

Next, let’s see how effective MySpecialDates is for meeting your soulmate.

MySpecialDates Effectiveness in Meeting Your Soulmate

When it comes to effectiveness in helping users meet their soulmates, MySpecialDates truly delivers. Through our thorough testing, we found that this dating site goes above and beyond to provide a stunning platform for successfully dating online.

The premium-class search and matching tools ensure that you can easily find potential candidates for strong relationships，regardless of the distance between you. With free registration, advanced support, and proof of profile validity, MySpecialDates offers a wealth of benefits to its members.

The positive reviews from satisfied users further validate our conclusion that MySpecialDates is one of the best options for both novice and experienced daters. The site’s focus on building bridges between men and women of all backgrounds, residences, and ages shows their commitment to helping individuals find their perfect match.

To get a better understanding of MySpecialDates features，we present you with a table of its main aspects:

So, let’s delve deeper into the pros and cons of using MySpecialDates as we continue this review.

Pros and Cons of MySpecialDates

When it comes to the pros of using MySpecialDates, the platform doesn’t disappoint. With its advanced search and matching tools, you have a higher chance of finding your perfect match.

The best part?

Registration is free, and you get to enjoy the benefits of a premium-class website. Additionally, MySpecialDates ensures profile validity and provides advanced support to help you get the most out of your online dating experience.

However, it does leave something to be desired in terms of accessibility. No mobile app is available, meaning users cannot access the platform when they’re on the go.

Additionally, not all girls may be available for video chat, limiting communication options.

Lastly, meeting someone in person can only happen after obtaining their contact information.

Let’s wrap up with a summary of our review.

User Experiences on MySpecialDates

Users have shared astonishing success stories of finding their soulmates through MySpecialDates. The combination of success stories, user-friendly interface, secure messaging system, responsive customer support, and verified profiles make it a compelling choice for those seeking meaningful relationships online.

User Experiences on MySpecialDates

• Astonishing success stories of finding soulmates through MySpecialDates
• Easy and user-friendly interface for seamless navigation
• Safe and private messaging system to reach out to potential partners
• Prompt and helpful customer support available 24/7
• Verified profiles with genuine bios and photos for a trustworthy experience

The platform’s premium-class search and matching tools, combined with the benefits of free registration and advanced support, have contributed to their positive experiences. The easy and user-friendly interface of MySpecialDates ensures seamless navigation and a hassle-free online dating experience.

Users appreciate the intuitive design that allows them to browse profiles and connect with potential partners effortlessly. The secure and private messaging system on MySpecialDates enables users to communicate with confidence, knowing that their conversations are safe and protected.

This feature has fostered meaningful connections and deeper relationships. One notable aspect of MySpecialDates is its prompt and helpful customer support, available 24/7.

Users have praised the responsiveness and professionalism of the support team，receiving assistance whenever needed. With verified profiles featuring genuine bios and photos, users can trust that they are interacting with real individuals on MySpecialDates.

This verification process adds an extra layer of authenticity and reliability to the dating experience.

Let’s see how MySpecialDates fares in terms of customer service.

Customer Service on MySpecialDates

MySpecialDates.com takes pride in its exceptional customer service that ensures a seamless and enjoyable dating experience for its users.

The customer support team is responsive, helpful, and dedicated to promptly addressing any queries or concerns that members may have. With efficient identity verification options, the platform provides a safe and secure dating environment, protecting users from fake profiles or cyber threats. Additionally, MySpecialDates ensures prompt payment delivery for its premium services.

The presence of positive reviews from satisfied members further confirms the quality of customer service provided by the platform.

Experience top-notch assistance and support while navigating the world of online dating on MySpecialDates. Customer Service on MySpecialDates — Responsive and helpful customer support team that promptly addresses user queries and concerns; efficient identity verification options to ensure a safe and secure dating environment; prompt payment delivery for premium services; no presence of fake profiles, bots, or cyber threats on the portal; positive reviews from satisfied members confirming the quality of customer service. Let’s wrap up with a summary of our review.

Wrapping Up the MySpecialDates Review

In conclusion, MySpecialDates is a stunning online dating platform that lives up to its promises. With its premium-class search and matching tools, users can easily find potential matches for strong relationships.

The benefits of free registration，advanced support, and proof of profile validity make MySpecialDates an excellent choice for both novice and experienced daters. The abundance of positive reviews further supports our verdict that MySpecialDates is one of the top options in the online dating world.

While there are some limitations, such as the absence of a mobile app and limited communication options with video chat，overall, MySpecialDates provides a secure and enjoyable dating experience.

Don’t miss out on the opportunity to find your perfect match on MySpecialDates.com.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is MySpecialDates free to use?

Yes, MySpecialDates is free to use.

You can create a registered profile with just your email, name, and date of birth. However, keep in mind that certain features and services may require the purchase of credits.

Why prefer MySpecialDates?

When it comes to online dating, MySpecialDates.com is a trusted and certified platform that delivers exceptional results. With its secure chats, identity verification options, and prompt payment delivery, it ensures a safe and reliable dating experience.

Say goodbye to fake profiles and cyber threats, as MySpecialDates.com takes them seriously. Connect with genuine individuals and embark on your journey to find love with MySpecialDates.com.

The post MySpecialDates Review: Find Your Soulmate Online appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

How attachment style affects adult relationships

Basically, attachment impels us to seek psychological and physical support from our partners so that we feel safe. When our emotional needs are fulfilled by our partners, we become confident and more outward-looking.

Our attachment patterns also impact our physical health. A study conducted by psychiatrist Brian Baker, examined the influence of marital partners on people with mild blood pressure. Those who reported being in robust marriages benefited from spending time with their spouses, i.e., their blood pressure actually reduced. On the other hand, those in non-optimal marriages experienced an increase in blood pressure when their partners were present. Our partners also play a role in how we view ourselves, thereby heightening or undermining our sense of self-efficacy.

According to Levine and Heller, two dimensions underlie our attachments styles. The first relates to our “comfort with intimacy” or whether we avoid getting too close to our partner. The second dimension reflects our anxiety about our partner’s “love and attentiveness.”

A secure attachment style involves low anxiety and avoidance. Secure adults are comfortable with closeness and exude warmth and love. An anxious style entails a high degree of doubt and uncertainty regarding the relationship yet the person is comfortable with intimacy. Anxious people tend to require constant reassurance from their partners. An avoidant style, in contrast, implies that the person is uncomfortable with closeness but is not anxious about the relationship. Avoidant individuals prize their independence more than the relationship. The anxious-avoidant style includes high degrees of both anxiety and avoidance.

The vast majority of people fall under the secure group, about a quarter are avoidant and around 20 percent are anxious. A small subset, less than 5 percent, fall into the meld of anxious-avoidant.

What determines our attachment style

Adult attachment research suggests that, when it comes to relationships, we tend to behave in a “predetermined manner.” Our attachment patterns in adulthood stem from our genetic predispositions, childhood attachment patterns with our parents and our experiences in life, including past romantic relationships. Further, attachment patterns seem slightly mutable with one in four people shifting to a different style over a span of four-years, on average. Levine and Heller also assert that we shouldn’t necessarily view the anxious and avoidant styles as “pathological”, only different.

You may assess your own attachment pattern using the Experience in Close Relationship (ECR) questionnaire, that is available online here [takes just few mins to complete].

Researchers have observed that avoidants rarely pair up together, possibly because neither of them can create the emotional bond that holds two people together. People who are secure wish to be close to their partners. At the same time, they are not antsy about getting rejected and give each other sufficient space, both physical and psychological. They are neither clingy nor distant. However, sometimes, a secure person may be too forgiving of a partner’s misdemeanors and may even feel completely responsible for their “partner’s wellbeing.” If you are a generally secure person, but start doubting yourself or find yourself behaving in odd, mistrustful ways, chances are that you are enmeshed in an unhealthy relationship.

Those who are anxious don’t have issues with intimacy. However, they are overly sensitive to the tiniest of “perceived threats to this closeness”. They are highly emotional and tend to feel overwhelmed when this happens. As they are flooded with dread, they are unable to communicate their actual feelings to their partners and may behave in inexplicable ways, creating a lot of tension and drama.

If the partner of an insecure person is “sensitive and nurturing enough,” they may be able to quell their partner’s anxiety by reassuring them of being loved. Once the anxious person feels validated, their oversensitivity can actually be a bonus because they are attuned to their partner’s needs and moods.

If you are the one with an anxious attachment style, then you need to be aware that your emotional system tends to be hypervigilant and easily aroused. Instead of reacting to every slight, remind yourself that you tend to latch onto false and hasty assumptions while catastrophizing minor misdemeanors. Also, learn to assert yourself by stating your needs for connection and reassurance explicitly. Further, if you are anxious, you may avoid partnering with someone who has an avoidant style as those two styles tend to exacerbate the worst traits in the other.

Here’s what to do if you have an avoidant style

According to Levine and Heller, avoidants tend to view their partners as needy, especially if they are anxious. Additionally, they don’t necessarily acknowledge that they too have needs and insecurities. They also overemphasise the importance of self-reliance, not realising how deeply interconnected and dependent we all are as human beings. Unfortunately, avoidants are often not consciously aware of these thought patterns.

If you are an avoidant, building your self-awareness is the first step towards a warmer and more satisfying relationship. Instead of overstating the need for self-reliance, try to value mutual support. Notice and appreciate positives in your partner more often. Levine and Heller also note that avoidants, just like anxious individuals, grow more secure when they are paired with someone with a secure attachment style.

If you are paired with an avoidant partner, don’t hesitate to assert your need for closeness. If they pull back or make you feel extremely needy, when in fact you are not, consider seeking help from a couples counsellor or relationship expert.

Communication is the key

While two people with secure attachment styles are likely to have a harmonious relationship, research shows that “mixed” couples—i.e., wherein one partner is secure and the other insecure (either anxious or avoidant)—also fare just as well in terms of functioning and conflict resolution. Whatever your attachment style, all relationships benefit from effective communication, wherein both partners can express their authentic needs in respectful ways without feeling judged or belittled by the other. In a true partnership, both partners are sensitive and responsive to each other’s needs while allowing the other to “become the best person” he or she can be.

The post How your attachment style affects your relationships appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

In these bleak times, when the future seems grim and uncertain, we may stand to gain by cultivating “learned hopefulness”. Instead of falling prey to negativity and its concomitant emotions, we may nurture hope so that the present pandemic is not followed by an epidemic of psychological issues.

Making hope a habit

According to psychologist, Dan Tomasulo, we can intentionally promote our wellbeing by practising certain habits. In his book, Learned Hopefulness: The Power of Positivity to Overcome Depression, he provides seven strategies for enhancing our hope after surveying the psychological literature. As there is no unifying theory of hope, Tomasulo provides different tools to inject more hope into our lives.

He argues that people with high levels of hope believe they are in the driver’s seat of their lives, and are filled with zest to accomplish goals they have chalked out for themselves.  When they encounter obstacles, they exhibit resilience and resourcefulness by seeking out alternative paths. So, instead of waiting for hope to knock at your door, you can bring hope into your life, however stark and stormy it may seem in the moment. When you make hope a habit and don’t let yourself succumb to the doomsayer in your head, you have acquired learned hopefulness.

The 7 strategies of learned hopefulness

1. Look for possibilities

The first habit of hopefulness entails seeing possibilities even in the face of roadblocks. Instead of being stymied by setbacks, how can you maneuver around them? Develop what psychologist Carol Dweck calls a “growth mindset” wherein you believe that abilities, talents, skills, habits and personalities are not set in stone but amenable to change. Whereas a fixed mindset compels you to dwell on deficiencies and limitations, a growth mindset impels you to focus on possibilities and progress. Failure is not the end of the road but a reminder that you may have to course correct.

2. Focus on your blessings

Next, Tomasulo coaxes you to look out for “beauty, benefits, and blessings.” Cultivating a habit of gratitude can help you notice flecks of light even in the dimmest of days. Though the times are tough right now, list three things you can be thankful for. Most people admit that the pandemic has made them realise how much we used to take for granted before Covid catapulted our lives. Inculcate gratitude into your daily or weekly routine so that you appreciate all that is going right for you.

The post The 7 strategies of learned hopefulness appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Have you ever been ghosted? No I’m not referring to entities from the other world but real human beings who just disappear from your life without a warning. They block you on social media, refuse to answer your calls and totally cut you off from their life without giving any reason. If you have, you know how distressing that feeling is. I’ve been ghosted so many times that I’ve lost count. Initially I didn’t even know there was a name for it, I just lived with this feeling of deep hurt and betrayal that I held on to in secret. I thought I was alone in this experience but as I grew older and the world of social media opened up, I realised there were thousands like me.

I have a few questions for the many men and one woman who have ghosted me

• Why do you do it? Talk to me for days, encourage me to make you a part of my life. And then, just disappear?
• Why do you do it? Tell me that no matter how I look, we will definitely still be friends—because our chats are so much fun, “almost electric”. And then, just disappear?
• Why do you do it? Tell me that I’m beautiful and funny and cute and you can’t wait to spend more time together. And then, just disappear?
• Why did you do it? I consider you my best friend, I share all my innermost thoughts with you and then, all of a sudden, you take my friendship and disappear?
• Is it really that hard to tell me that you’d rather not stay friends with me or continue to be in touch?
• Do you choose to disappear because you are scared of a confrontation? Or is it because you think I’ll make a scene?

Why it hurts so much

Everyone has dreams. Agreed, parts of them may come together in your head with the help of unrealistic TV shows and movies. These dreams are full of grand romances and blissful friendships, full of spontaneous travel and unquestioned loyalty. But then you get torn away from these dreams and brought down to cold realistic earth where your partner-in-crime is long gone. I wish I knew when someone was going to ghost me so I could tell them how much it hurts. It hurts that you think I’d beg you to stay if you didn’t want to. It hurts that you never really cared at all. It hurts that you never really knew me at all.

It’s a special kind of hurt that betrayal brings with it. And most of us react in one of two ways; we either shut down and handle every future interaction with a double dose of cynicism, or hold on tenuously to hope by living in denial. I have somehow found a Golden Mean between the two extremes—my terrible memory issues helps me block out the names of these people [though the memories of the feelings remain] and my rising cynicism ensures that I no longer trust anyone easily anymore. For example, I still remember how this chat friend drove past me when I was waiting to meet him for the first time and then switched off his phone. I also still remember the gentleman who blocked me on WhatsApp after a few meetings because I was “too much of a prude”.

Is it really so hard to be honest about something not working out and concluding it in a decent manner? Be honest and remove yourself in a dignified manner. If the other person is being problematic and you have to them block him/her, everybody would understand. But at least respect them enough to simply be honest with them.

The post How it feels to be serially ghosted appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

According to Dr Brown, people who live wholeheartedly love themselves, which means treating themselves with kindness, respect, affection, and trust. A key component of that self-lovingness is accepting themselves as they are, and believing they are worthy of love just because. There isn’t a reason these folks have for deserving love from others and from themselves; there doesn’t need to be. That’s the point, actually. When we really love ourselves, we don’t set preconditions, and we don’t wait. We don’t love ourselves if. We love ourselves anyway. Warts and all, we are worthy. This statement includes you!

I love you more than I even love myself

Loving ourselves is important, because Dr Brown’s research led her to conclude that we cannot love our partner, or our kids, or our friends more than we love ourselves. No wonder so many people are hurting those they love. When we don’t love ourselves, we act in ways that may seem to be hurting just us—but there’s no such thing as a victimless crime once we’re in relationships. When we don’t love ourselves enough to work on our problems or celebrate our strengths, those around us suffer too. And if you feel so bad about yourself that you can’t enjoy your own goodness, your partner can’t enjoy you nearly as much either.

Also, research indicates that you can’t take in another person’s love very well when you believe you don’t deserve it.

When Matthew was little, his dad beat his mom in front of him. And Karen’s mother committed suicide, leaving her at the mercy of a truly wicked stepmother. We now know that childhood trauma like that changes the brain’s structure. It changes emotions and behavior. Matt and Karen are both good people who don’t feel very good about themselves. They do good things in the world, but when others try to love them, they feel undeserving. It’s hard for them to believe they’re worthwhile. So when others treat them as worthy, they usually push them away and retreat to the safety of many friends—but no one person to depend on too much.

How to recognise whether you love yourself or not

Through interviews and subsequent analyses, Dr Brown found that another hallmark of being self-loving is acceptance of others—combined with boundaries. The self-loving understand that most of us, most of the time, are doing the very best we can. This understanding lets them feel compassion for others, rather than anger and hate.

But that doesn’t mean everyone’s behavior is up to their standards for choosing them as a partner. If you want to find and keep love, you have to be choosy, and the other person’s character has to count. Self-loving people don’t hate those who fail to meet basic standards of decency—but they also don’t allow others to treat them any old way. They aren’t doormats. They build fences, and nobody gets through the gate without behaviours amounting to the password. The self-loving are kind but firm, holding would-be partners accountable for their actions. Their motto could be “boundaries without blame.” For example, a natural consequence of someone who stands you up could be that you don’t go out with them again. There’s no need to call them names, or hate them—in fact, those actions are against your chances to find and keep love.

The self-loving understand that most of us, most of the time, are doing the very best we can

What if you don’t love yourself very much right now?

Our lives are a house under constant construction. Building self-lovingness is a lifetime project. Fortunately, you don’t have to wait to find love until you are perfect at this, and your partner doesn’t have to be the paragon of self-love either.

Nobody loves themselves completely, so the first thing is to acknowledge that. You’re on the path, and this path has no end. It’s not a competition; embrace yourself right here where you are, right now in this and every moment.

But how?

In her research, Dr. Brown found that it helped people to love themselves more if they could tell their stories of shame to at least one other trustworthy person. Of course, for a lot of folks, the person they can trust is their lifemate—someone you’re trying to find. Maybe you have a close friend, though, or a therapist, who can listen to your story in a supportive, non-judgmental way. If so, that is a major step towards healing your heart.

I don’t know a trustworthy person to pour my heart out to

If you don’t have a friend or therapist standing in this gap for you, follow these science-backed steps towards change: notice, redirect, and repeat.

Notice

When you catch yourself thinking something shameful or unloving about yourself, notice.  Don’t trash-talk yourself—just notice that you are feeling, thinking, or doing something that isn’t self-loving. Gently noticing is the gateway to change. Sometimes, you might feel bad about yourself even though you’ve followed your moral code. People raised to feel chronic shame might relate to a nagging feeling that there’s just something “off” about them. For instance, say you’re feeling like you’re a bad person, even though you merely decided to stop dating someone who yelled at you. What you did was right for you; but you feel wrong. Other times, you really will do something inappropriate. Everyone makes mistakes. Maybe you said you’d call someone—and then you never did. That’s hurtful, and human.

The difference between shame and guilt is that shame feels like something is wrong with us; guilt feels like something is wrong with what we did. Research shows that guilt can be good.  It motivates us to apologise, or change our behaviour. Shame, though, freezes us; if we think we are bad, how can we change? Shame is the opposite of self-loving. It keeps us stuck.

So a mindset to move towards is acknowledging when we feel bad even though we’ve done nothing wrong: “I’ve got that sick feeling in my stomach, although I haven’t done a thing to deserve it.”  Or, acknowledge our feelings around our failures: “I’m feeling like crap, because I told Becky I would call her and then I chickened out.” Notice whether it’s a guilt feeling or a shame feeling—a feeling that what you did was wrong, or that you are wrong. Just notice.

Redirect

Then, redirect your thoughts to something that’s aligned with reality.”I’m sticking by my boundaries. There is every reason to stop seeing people who yell at me, and it’s my right to date people who make me feel like my best self. I’m feeling shame, but that’s because I was taught to feel wrong for having boundaries. I’m doing the loving thing for me now.” Or, “What I did was rude; it might be too late to apologise to Becky, but at least I can resolve to send a note to her, and call other people when I make promises in the future.”

Repeat

Repeat the notice-redirect chain every time you catch yourself. Over time, you’ll love yourself more!

Ultimately, we are the landlords of our lives. When we love ourselves, we have standards, and we don’t key in squatters who can’t or won’t meet them. It’s not mean. It’s what works. And what works starts with taking that first step towards loving ourselves.

The post A guide to loving yourself (and attracting a great relationship) appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Every relationship based upon this rule is guaranteed to glitter, be it between spouses, siblings, friends, businessmen, corporations and even entire nations.

Unfortunately, simple as it is to understand, the Golden Rule is not as widely followed. What is far more rampantly practised instead is another twisted, pernicious, tit-for-tat rule—treat others like others treat you! I call this the Rusty Rule. Rusty, because all it does is corrode the bonds it touches. It fuels such feelings as revenge, retaliation, punishment and justice at any cost. And the result is for all to see. For instance, one country bullies the other [flouts The Golden Rule], and the other responds in like manner [applies The Rusty Rule] and soon we have a full-blown war where everyone loses. But in spite of it being a lose-lose proposition, almost everyone defends the Rusty Rule, forgetting entirely that eye for an eye can only make the whole world blind.

A lose-lose proposition

A case in point is the 2012 tragic incident—a spat between Chadha brothers Hardeep and Gurdeep [Ponty] turned violent with both getting killed at their New Delhi farmhouse, a property that was apparently under dispute. According to news reports, while Hardeep shot his own brother in a fit of rage, he was in turn shot by Gurdeep’s personal security guards.

Clearly, not only the Golden Rule was flouted, the Rusty Rule was applied forcefully. The Chadha brothers became sworn enemies of each other—because each wanted to be treated in a way that he was not willing to treat the other. My guess is that even if one of them would have followed The Golden Rule, they would still be living. What’s more, in all likelihood, the other would have come around too, sooner or later, and the dispute would’ve resolved amicably.

While most of us are, thankfully, not involved in any major feud like the Chadha brothers, we do have ample opportunities in our daily lives to apply the Golden Rule. More often than not though, we end up following the Rusty Rule automatically when we react to others’ thoughts, deeds and actions. So many serious conflicts will be averted and so many relationships will be saved if only more of us adopt the Golden Rule as the default setting when dealing with others.

Put yourself in the other’s position

Do not underestimate the transformational power of the Golden Rule. Besides being the most effective way to forge lasting and meaningful bonds, it’s the best defuser of potentially explosive situations. How about trying out the Golden Rule in your life—with your family, at work, or even in traffic? If someone makes a mistake, even if it’s a terrible one by your standards, stop for a few moments, and try putting yourself in his/her position. Ask yourself: how would I like to be treated if I had committed the same mistake? Then proceed to treat the other accordingly.

Of course, we ought to remember also that we have no control over others. Which means, even if you follow the Golden Rule, the other may not reciprocate in kind. But that should not dissuade you from putting it into practice. For it may not change the other but it will transform you in ways you may not have imagined. And it will bring you peace of mind even as it fills your life with fresh energy.

The post Why we need the Golden Rule appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Managing significant losses in our life can be a full-time occupation for a period of time, and we need to give it our full attention. The following five stages are not linear but cyclic. The grief of a heartbreak comes in waves but, with good awareness and self-care, we can become more resilient, more caring and loving for the future, knowing that the pain will lessen.

Let’s look at the five stages that one goes through while dealing with a heartbreak:

5 Stages of Overcoming a Heartbreak

Stage one: Grieving

1. A heartbreak is a difficult experience, so allow yourself to cry (yes, even if you’re a man!); tears heal
2. Exercise and move your body. It shifts stuck energy and creates endorphins in the brain that make us feel better. Even gentle exercise brings oxygen to the brain that improves our ability to see things clearly. While it’s normal when sad to want to stay in bed and sleep all day, make an effort to get up and get out
3. Spend time with good friends who will hug you and feed you nourishing food. You might want to avoid being alone for a while
4. Communicate, talk it out, particularly with a therapist. You need someone who will really listen, and not interrupt or just wait to tell you their own experience of a heartbreak experience, or minimise it, offer sympathy that makes you feel worse, or false cheeriness as in “think of all the good things you’ve got!” Don’t expect friends to be your therapists.

Stage two: Reflection

1. Have you experienced many previous losses? Unresolved grief can accumulate and become more painful. If you’ve never experienced this level of pain before, some of these coping skills are needed.
2. Identifying disappointments will help to point to our unrealistic expectations. Were we deceived or did we deceive ourselves? Or both? Did we not see clearly who the other really was?
3. In retrospect, we can see what we may have not seen, or blinded ourselves to, and be wiser for the future.
4. Avoid the trap of beating yourself up. It’s not fair to blame yourself for not knowing then what you now know. Taking responsibility not to be deceived in the future, however, is essential, and it’s very different from blame.

Stage three: Managing loss

1. This involves taking responsibility for our own emotions. No one can make us feel anything without our (unconscious) agreement. We cannot change what has happened, but we can choose how we respond
2. Avoid negative coping styles such as drugs, alcohol, risky behaviour or chronic distractions. Plan activities that are nurturing and enjoyable instead
3. Take time off if you can. Avoid burying yourself in work to distract yourself. If you have to work and/or have commitments to care for others, make sure you also allow time out to let yourself feel, to work through the process
4. Go away, if only for a short time. Scenery that does not trigger painful memories is helpful to the healing process. If you can’t leave, maybe you could change your furniture around or repaint the walls. Create a difference in your living space, to lay down new memories and new feelings.
5. You might consider a change in appearance—a new haircut or a change in wardrobe. It’s remarkable how different we can feel when we have a new look.

Stage four: Healing

1. Work out what you need and find ways to give this to yourself
2. Whenever you feel resentment, it’s likely because there’s something you really don’t want. Give yourself the choice of not agreeing to what you don’t want to do. You’ll be pleased with yourself for looking after your “self”. Resolve to give what you want to give to others only from a full heart and with complete agreement instead of grudgingly. This might mean adjusting from the compliance of “always being nice” to being decisive and assertive, while still being polite
3. Practise being in the present. Save pondering the past for therapy sessions, and leave it there, while you get on with what needs to to be done in your life now. It’s important to realise that until past issues have been resolved, we can be frequently triggered by seemingly trivial situations in the present, and react in a way that’s out of proportion. It’s an indication that we need to look at what is really being triggered. For example, Jana’s fury at the lack of consideration shown by a work colleague preoccupied her for days. In therapy, she realised this incident had evoked her resentment of the lack of consideration and appreciation shown by her ex-partner, and before that, by her father. As a child she’d felt helpless when disregarded, particularly when she herself behaved considerately. Once this was put into perspective, Jana was able to see that as an adult she was able to communicate more assertively and effectively. This realisation changed her childhood conditioned habit of accepting others’ values when they imposed on her own, to valuing herself as an equal. Her next relationship was more reciprocal, and Jana was much happier with both herself and her new partner, as well as being more valued at work.

Stage five: A new relationship?

1. Make the list. It’s a sign the grieving process is over when we realise we’re looking to the future and a possible new relationship. However, to avoid old mistakes, make a list of all the qualities you want in your ideal mate in the first of three columns down a page. Examples include: ‘kind’; ‘emotionally available’; ‘monogamous’; ‘in touch with emotions and able to express them’; ‘good communicator’; ‘financially stable’; ‘a considerate lover’ and so on. Then, down the middle column of your page, rate yourself on a scale of 0–10 on each of these qualities. Be honest and fair. If in any of these qualities you rate yourself 7/10 or less, resolve that you need to work on yourself on these. The reason is we need to feel equal to our partner, and if they are, say, 10 on some quality while we rate ourselves as 4/10, we might not feel we deserve them, and might unconsciously sabotage the relationship. Give yourself some time to work on what you’d like to improve. Six months to a year is not an unreasonable amount of time for this. When a prospective new partner arrives, see how well you can tick off the boxes. Don’t accept anything less than a great match
2. Make sure you’re ready. A relationship on the rebound, when we’re still smarting, angry, needy or in pain, is not likely to last. Ask yourself: Can you be comfortably alone with yourself? Can you fill your time with activities that are restful, emotionally nourishing or mentally stimulating? If you answered yes, congratulations, you have overcome your heartbreak. You are now ready to bring far more acceptance and love to a relationship, and appreciate what your partner brings, too.

The post How to Overcome a Heartbreak and Start Living Again appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Any habit has the potential to become toxic. Let’s look at some toxic relationship habits that are considered as normal.

1. Teasing, kidding or joking in public

At a dinner party, Ruby tells a “cute” story about something foolish her partner Jose has done. It’s intended to be amusing and, as expected, most people around the table laugh. However, Jose’s face goes red as he looks down, clearly embarrassed, and not without reason. The incident was something most people would have kept private. He smiles with closed lips and darts a look at Ruby, who laughs loudest of all, seemingly oblivious to the discomfort she has caused. Later, when Jose mildly suggests to Ruby that he was embarrassed and would prefer her not to share private things in public, Ruby accuses him of being oversensitive and having no sense of humour.

Sometimes it can be funny, even endearing, when a partner tells an amusing anecdote about us. But the above example indicates in the joke-teller a degree of unawareness and lack of consideration and respect for her partner. If this situation is repeated, the relationship eventually becomes demeaning and demoralising.

2. Constant texting

When they first got together, Jessica would text Ivan throughout the day at work with little messages of varying degrees of intimacy. At first, Ivan found them sweet and he would reply instantly. But soon, he began to find them as needless interruptions. He expected that the frequency of texts would reduce with time. However, even after months, Jessica was unable to go more than an hour without some sort of contact. And if he didn’t respond right away, her anxiety would escalate to the point that she couldn’t continue what she was doing at work and would have to speak to him. Though it was easy for Ivan to respond immediately with one of the pre-set messages, he found her texts tedious and intrusive. Worse, it had encouraged a constant neediness in her; besides, she came to expect his prompt response as normal. It was a pattern that made him feel resentful and guilty, and simultaneously more difficult for Jessica to outgrow.

3. Us vs Them

Whenever they came home from a party with friends, Leon and Frank would discuss other couples in a critical way, but made their own partnership out to be so much healthier. In the beginning, they did this to try to understand some behavioural patterns in others they found puzzling or annoying. But as this habit went on, it became a way for Leon and Frank to congratulate themselves on not being like that other couple. They’d created an alliance that made them feel safe, but they didn’t realise that such self-congratulatory behaviour blinded them to their own assumptions, prejudice and judgemental attitudes, which impeded their growth.

4. You know I can’t do that

Lucy said she was too nervous to learn to drive. She was also extremely anxious using public transport, meaning that her partner had to drive her everywhere she went. At first, he’d been concerned and happy to help but over time it became something she took for granted.

Disability aside, when one partner insists that he or she is unable to manage something most people can do, the other partner can feel forced to deal with something they’d not bargained for. It can be anything—from household or financial matters, to parenting, social outings or staying faithful. An unhealthy situation can arise that actively prevents growth, and is a way of manipulating a partner into taking more than their share of responsibility.

5. We’re soul mates

Most people found it charming the way Shobhana introduced her husband and herself as soul-mates. However, along with the image of soul-mates went certain requirements and restrictions that the couple accepted as normal. For instance, they had to go everywhere together, and if one was unable to attend a function, the other wouldn’t go either. It also meant that whatever one of them was feeling, the other was expected to understand without being told, and to feel the same emotion too. They somehow agreed that they never needed to ask the other for anything—generosity and sharing were expected. They told each other they never needed to apologise, because understanding and forgiveness were a given in this relationship. Inevitably, though, it became suffocating, and misunderstandings, wrong assumptions and resentment arose.

When a relationship involves this kind of energetic merging or fusion, any attempt by one of the partners to individuate or differentiate in a healthy way, becomes a matter of deep distress for the other partner. A co-dependent relationship such as this often develops from one partner’s neediness and the other’s need to be needed, protect and “fix” the other.

6. Gender role expectations

These days gender roles are a lot more fluid than they used to be, and shared financial and child-rearing responsibilities are common. But often couples fall into the expectations of fixed gender roles, whether for familial, cultural or traditional reasons, without examining their own personal values. When this happens, the habit of going along with the status quo can become something that hinders growth severely. This becomes further complicated in cases where the influence of an older generation of family members is a factor to be respectfully considered.

7. Parents first

Some partners focus so strongly on their parental duties that they forget to continue to cultivate their marital relationship. Your relationship can become toxic if the needs of children outweigh their parents’, leading to smother-mothering and poor partner role-modelling for the children.

A toxic relationship habit will often fly under our radar. It’s something we do automatically, without consciously choosing or thinking about it. What can alert us to it is the feeling of frequently being diminished or resentful. To create a relationship that is exciting as well as nurturing and fulfilling, we need to be in the present and be open to the challenge of pushing our self-protective boundaries. Being aware of our habits allows us to decide whether they are healthy or toxic and thereby enables us to make conscious choices—choices that will eventually help us to live a healthier, happier and more fulfilled life.

The post Beware of these 7 toxic relationship habits appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

It so happened that one of my friends asked me about my fascination for astrology. Now astrology was a subject of great interest and curiosity to me in my high school and college days. I had studied it in detail and my friends of the time knew about my interest and often made fun of it. This friend, a hard core student of science, and one who never believed in ‘esoteric’ things like astrology, carried in his mind an ancient image of me. What was annoying to me was that I could not do much to shake up that image, even though the present me had little resemblance to it. (Read No Fault in our Stars to know how I see astrology today)

Of course, the time we spent that day was too short to transform our perceptions of each other, which seemed frozen in time. But I realised one thing: just as others may harbour fixed perceptions of me, I too carry old and outdated ideas and perceptions about the others in my life. And, just like I have changed radically over the years, so may have others—for better or for worse.

We change

When we judge other people in our lives—friends, family, co-workers, business associates—we refer to their past actions in order to predict their future behaviour. In other words, we expect people to live up to the image about them in our minds. What’s worse, most of us do the same with ourselves. We carry a self-image based on our past thoughts and actions, and then expect ourselves to repeat the same thoughts and behaviours, ad infinitum.

I have seen that our prejudices often come in the way of sorting out differences and strengthening our relationships. Somehow, we have convinced ourselves that people remain the same throughout their lives. But people can, and often do, change.

Ancient texts across all cultures of the world are full of stories of cruel-hearted, mean-spirited men evolving into compassionate beings, who dedicated their lives to the service of the others. In my opinion, the scriptures employed stories of dacoits becoming saints with the purpose of showing us hope. Upon reflection, you will see that these stories urge us to drop our prejudices—about self and others—and embrace openness to possibilities.

Drop your prejudices

We humans are gifted with an amazing grace of self-awareness, which allows us to grow and evolve. Using this gift, we change several times during the course of our lifetimes. By insisting that people are prisoners of their nature, we impose needless limitations on ourselves and our loved ones, suppressing the beautiful growth and transformation that each of us can experience, naturally.

Here’s a suggestion: how about trying a new, prejudice-free approach? Just for today, consciously drop all old perceptions. When you interact with others, see them with a new pair of eyes, and detect the difference. I have a feeling you might be in for a pleasant surprise.

The post Refresh your perceptions appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

“The magic of first love is our ignorance that it can ever end.”
—Benjamin Disraeli

You had the good vibes going. You were high from the love potions coursing through your body. You were humming all the crazy-in-love songs you’ve ever heard, and for once they made total sense. You had created the honeymoon effect with the love of your life, and you knew that this time it was going to last forever.

Except, it didn’t!

It all came crashing down, and you were left devastated and obsessed with what might have been. And puzzled: how could something so magical degenerate into endless, bickering recriminations, and if you were married, divorce court?

After all, you wanted it to work. You believed it would work. Maybe The Biology of Belief works for other people, you’re thinking, but it doesn’t for you. Yes it does! But there’s a catch, which explains why positive thinking and believing, by themselves, don’t work.

A relationship created by the conscious mind

The catch is that when you bonded so closely with your partner during those first blissful days and months, your behaviours and actions were controlled by the processing of your conscious mind. The conscious mind is the ‘creative’ mind, the one that acts on behalf of your wishes and desires. So when the conscious minds of two lovers entangle, together they create magical harmony. Because honeymoon partners are operating from their deepest wishes and desires, the outcome of their interactions is… voilà, heaven on earth!

However, over time, your conscious mind becomes burdened with thoughts dealing with the busy-ness of everyday life—balancing your budget, scheduling your chores and planning your weekend. The processing of the conscious mind shifts from creating the honeymoon experience, to the management and strategies, needed to deal with perceived necessities. The result is that the conscious mind relinquishes behavioural control to default programmes previously stored in the subconscious mind.

How our subconscious mind wreaks relationships

When it comes to partners, there are suddenly four instead of two minds involved. And these two ‘extra’ subconscious minds can wreak havoc on happily-ever-after relationships. When our conscious minds stop paying attention to the moment, we lose control over our honeymoon creation because we unknowingly engage in preprogrammed behaviours we acquired through our developmental experiences. For many couples, once that subconscious programming comes to the fore, the honeymoon glow fades very quickly.

That’s not surprising because the behaviours programmed in the subconscious mind are primarily derived from observing and downloading other people’s behaviours [many of them negative and disempowering]—especially those of your parents, immediate family, community and culture. You start seeing a side of your partner [and yourself] that never emerged during the honeymoon. When the conscious mind stops paying attention to the current moment, you automatically and most importantly, unconsciously engage in behaviours you downloaded from others.

Programmes we learn from our parents

Here’s a scenario that may be all too familiar to you.

You’re basking in the honeymoon effect, full of love for your supportive partner who lights up your life. Then one day you ask him a simple, loving question. He’s not thinking about how good your relationship is. His conscious mind is preoccupied with fixing the car or paying the rent, so he responds reflexively and nastily with a tone that says, “Leave me alone.” Shocked, you respond: “Who are you?”

You have just experienced the moment when honeymoons generally begin to fall apart. He responded so unconsciously that he didn’t even notice how nasty he was. And in his response to what he perceives as a personal ‘attack’ on his character, he starts digging in his heels to defend himself to the death. He’s thinking, she accused me of not being me. I’m the same me I’ve always been. I don’t know what she’s talking about. What’s her problem?

Meanwhile, you’re thinking, where is the loving man I married? Your conscious mind detaches from the current moment, to assess the unpleasant situation in which you now find yourself. Unbeknownst to you, you also unconsciously default to your own formerly hidden subconscious behaviours that you acquired from your family and culture. Now it’s your partner’s turn to be shocked, as his once loving spouse shifts into criticism and blame, as well as other less than loving programmes you downloaded from your parents.

As the daily issues of life increasingly occupy your and your partner’s conscious minds, more disharmonious unconscious behaviour patterns begin to rise to the surface. Soon you both shift from appreciating your partner, to focussing on his or her periodic nasty outbursts. Both you and your partner turn defensive and begin to critique the other’s faults: he never cleans up, she never puts the cap on the toothpaste and so on. All the things you ignored in the first glow of love now start to bug you.

If you met through an online dating service, both of you want your money back! He/she didn’t fill out the questionnaire honestly! But actually, you both filled it out in good faith. You both filled it out consciously—and that’s the rub. Your thoughtful submissions from your conscious minds truly represent the people you aspire to be. Unfortunately, the character of the ‘you’ who answered the questionnaire normally expresses itself only about five per cent of the time. What both partners failed to include in their surveys were the sabotaging and limiting subconscious programmes they acquired from others, which all of us unconsciously engage in about 95 per cent of the time.

Trying to find love again

With the appearance of uninvited behaviours, 95 per cent of the time you and your partner have most definitively left the honeymoon and are back on the road of conventional life. If any of these heretofore unseen, destructive and disturbing behaviours had surfaced on the first day of your relationship, there probably would not have been a second day. Now you’re wondering if you should lower your expectations and accept what your relationship has become because “This is the way life is and I have to accept the bad with the good.” Or will the many compromises you make as you adjust to abusive behaviour become so intolerable that your once seemingly unbreakable bond shatters? You say, “The hell with this. I can’t do this.” And then you go out [again] and try to find what you once had.

The culprit for this repeating cycle is invisible: it’s the behaviours programmed in you and your partner’s subconscious minds. Your conscious mind sent you on the quest to find a loving partner and rejoiced when you found the one, yet your subconscious mind is destroying what you’ve created. But once you know that you’re dealing with four minds in the relationship, and once you know how to change the negative programming of your subconscious minds, you will have the tools to recreate what you’ve lost.

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