What Did the Buddha Say About Infidelity?

The first of the five hindrances that the Buddha warned us about is lustful desires. In the Dhammapada, a concise collection of his teachings, the Buddha said: “Lust and greed ruin the mind as weeds ruin fields.” This is an image that we can all relate to and have probably, at one time or another, experienced for ourselves.

So, if we have been a victim or a perpetrator of sexual infidelity or cheating in a relationship, how can Buddha’s wisdom help us today in the 21^st century to understand, cope, and deal with it? How, according to Buddhism, can we move from ill-will, hatred or anger toward our self or our partner, to healing and forgiveness of everyone involved?

What would be Buddha’s Advice for You if You Are a Victim of Your Partner’s Infidelity?

Whatever we’re feeling about this transgression, chances are we are feeling some level of anger and jealousy. The first step is to find our way out of this murky depth of distraction, so that we can see clearly what there is to do. If we get stuck in blaming, shaming and keeping the focus on someone else’s faults, there is no way out for us.

A 5-step meditation to deal with your emotions towards your cheating partner

1. Begin practising mindfulness by taking the focus off the other person and turning your attention to your self and your feelings.
2. Find a quiet place to sit, with as few external distractions as possible. Then turn your attention to your body, your breath and your inner landscape. Take note of what keeps coming up:
   “I hate him/her for doing this to me.”
   “I’m a fool for believing in him/her.”
   “I can’t believe he/she cheated on me with that person.”
3. How does your body feel? Where is the tension? Can you breathe into those places one by one and, every time you exhale, breathe out some relief?
4. Then start to remove the pronouns, the names and the specifics about this betrayal from your thoughts. How does it feel to admit hate or foolishness or worry?
5. Then sit with just the feelings that are coming up; part the feelings from the individuals attached to them. Most likely there’s some anger in there. How about fear? Are these feelings new to you or have you felt them before? Can you try to accept that you are feeling these things and make an effort to not act on them? Can you accept that these feelings are inside you and the actions of your partner simply triggered them? Can you believe that you have the power to ignite these feelings or not?

Mindfully Meditating on Your Partner’s Adultery

Can you feel anger without being angry? Sit with this idea for a few moments, without feeding your emotions with a story. Notice what happens to the emotion if you just allow it to exist. You can practise this during the course of any day: first take note of your reaction to minor incidents, a pedestrian or co-worker being rude, traffic stalling when you’re in a hurry, a slow moving line or late train. What is the feeling that arises? Impatience, anger, fear, worry, frustration? What do you say? How do you act? Then after some time passes, notice how you feel: helpless, out of sorts, tense, ashamed?

Let’s go back to the initial feeling that got triggered when your needs were not met. If you can acknowledge that you had an expectation followed by disappointment followed by your particular set of feelings, then the real work of healing and self-empowerment can begin. Name the feeling, feel the feeling and don’t give in to your habitual way of coping. Don’t say or do anything, just sit with the feeling; breathe, notice and stay put. If you can begin to master these minor uncomfortable interactions, when it comes to the big ones like infidelity you’ll be ready. It doesn’t mean you won’t be hurt like crazy, but you will be able to deal with whatever life brings you, with equanimity and understanding.

Related » 6 Trust Building Exercises For Couples

What if You Are the One Who Has Committed Adultery?

As humans, we have a deep need to connect with others, to be intimate, to love and be loved. So when we meet the person with whom we want to spend our lives and we make a vow to be true to that person, we often tend to think “This is it! The end, we’re committed, it’s done!” And that is when the relationship can begin to break down. Think of this vow, this commitment to each other as a living, breathing thing that needs continual attention in order to survive.

Too often we become lazy in relationships, both with ourselves and with others, so that one day we wake up and don’t even know the person sleeping next to us or the person we’ve changed into. We think: “It’s his/her fault for making me stray from our marriage. If he/she paid more attention to me, spent more time doing what I want, this wouldn’t have happened. I’m the one who initiates everything and I’m tired of it.”

Other-awareness often comes before self-awareness, which can help us to justify our bad behavior: adultery, cheating or any other misconduct that hurts our relationship.

Dealing with your emotions after committing adultery

So, first and foremost, it is important to pay attention to every moment, day, word, exchange and action we take with our loved one. We must first become aware of our reactions to our partner and then learn to communicate, in a loving and respectful way, what it is we feel and what it is we need.

If you’re reading this and you have already moved into unfaithful behavior, it is not too late to save your relationship. You owe it to yourself and your partner to explore what happened and what can be done.

But before you approach your partner, you will need to come clean with yourself about your actions, your infidelity. Investigate your history of relationships. Not just the one you’re in, but the ones that came before.

Introspecting your own patterns of infidelity

Can you see a pattern? How open and honest were you? If you can’t be honest with yourself right now, you won’t be able to be honest with anyone. This is a rigorous spiritual work, but it can lead to a satisfying, long-lasting, love partnership. Were you able to ask for what you needed and wanted from your partners? Or did you expect them to know? How did you give and receive love from others? Be careful as you go through this self-exploration, not to shame and blame. And find a trusted friend, advisor or therapist to work with. You do not have to go through it alone.

If your relationship history includes a pattern of jumping from one relationship to the next to find the perfect person, you are not alone. Many of us do it. But that hole in you that you are trying to fill can never be filled by anyone else. That is not the solution to your loneliness and desire to be loved. Deep inside you know this to be true.

Adultery Can Affect Those Outside the Relationship Too

It is no coincidence that the third precept in Buddhism, after “do not kill” and “do not steal”, is do not engage in sexual misconduct—do not misuse sex and give in to lust. It causes so much harm, so much suffering. Even spiritual communities and Zen Masters are not immune from this. My own sangha was blown apart as a result of the sexual transgressions of our teacher. His actions harmed every member in our community—not only the students that he took advantage of, but also the ones who defended him. But just as I can recover from his infidelity, so can he.

Also read » Extramarital Affairs: Why Do We Stray?

Dealing With Adultery According to the Four Noble Truths of Buddhism

The first noble truth of Buddhism tells us that we all suffer. Some suffering, like birth, death and illness cannot be avoided. The second noble truth tells us that our craving to have things different than they actually are creates much of our suffering. The Buddha’s third noble truth tells us that if we see things as they are and let go of craving and clinging, we can reduce our suffering. And the fourth noble truth offers us a path to liberation from craving, toward a compassionate life, free from suffering.

Of course, following these noble truths prescribed by the Buddha does not mean that you or your partner will never commit adultery. What it does mean is that you have the power to care for yourself and to become aware of your reactions to whatever life brings you, and not act out on your own impulses.

If you become honest with yourself and become willing to open up a dialogue with your partner about how to proceed, then—and only then—is there the possibility of healing. If you can be honest with yourself, then you have a better chance of being honest with your partner, even if you are the one misusing sex.

If we want to have a truly intimate connection with our partner, we must first have such a connection with ourselves and understand that sex is not love, nor is it the only path to intimacy. Healing from any sexual transgression or cheating that we experience requires some detachment, a great deal of self-love and moment-by-moment attention to what it is to be truly human. And then compassion and forgiveness of ourselves and others will follow in time.

Key Takeaways: Buddhist Teachings on Adultery

The Buddhist path offers practical tools for healing that honor both the reality of suffering and the possibility of transformation.

Core Buddhist Understanding

Sexual misconduct creates universal suffering. As the Buddha stated: “Lust and greed ruin the mind as weeds ruin fields.” Infidelity is the third fundamental precept in Buddhism because it harms not just partners, but entire communities.

For Those Who Have Been Betrayed

Turn your attention inward, not outward. Practice the 5-step meditation: focus on yourself, find quiet space, breathe into tension, remove names from thoughts, and sit with feelings separate from people.

Learn to feel anger without being angry. Your partner’s actions triggered feelings already inside you – recognizing this gives you power over your responses.

For Those Who Have Been Unfaithful

Honest self-examination comes first. “If you can’t be honest with yourself right now, you won’t be able to be honest with anyone.” Investigate your relationship patterns before approaching your partner.

Relationships require continuous attention. Commitment is “a living, breathing thing that needs continual attention in order to survive.”

The Four Noble Truths Applied

1. Suffering exists – Betrayal causes inevitable pain
2. Craving creates suffering – Wanting things different adds to pain
3. Suffering can end – Letting go of clinging reduces suffering
4. There is a path – Mindful awareness enables healing

Essential Healing Principles

Three key elements: Detachment (space from emotions), self-love (compassion during healing), and moment-by-moment attention (staying present).

Recovery is possible for everyone. “Just as I can recover from his infidelity, so can he.”

Core Insights

• Sex is not love – True intimacy requires first connecting with yourself
• Forgiveness follows naturally – Don’t force it; practice detachment and self-love first
• Healing needs mutual commitment – Both partners must do the inner work
• It’s not too late – Even after infidelity, relationships can be saved
• Practice with small challenges first – Build mindfulness skills with minor irritations before tackling major betrayals

Last updated on 7^th July 2025

The post Buddha on Infidelity and How to Recover from It appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Managing significant losses in our life can be a full-time occupation for a period of time, and we need to give it our full attention. The following five stages are not linear but cyclic. The grief of a heartbreak comes in waves but, with good awareness and self-care, we can become more resilient, more caring and loving for the future, knowing that the pain will lessen.

Let’s look at the five stages that one goes through while dealing with a heartbreak:

5 Stages of Overcoming a Heartbreak

Stage one: Grieving

1. A heartbreak is a difficult experience, so allow yourself to cry (yes, even if you’re a man!); tears heal
2. Exercise and move your body. It shifts stuck energy and creates endorphins in the brain that make us feel better. Even gentle exercise brings oxygen to the brain that improves our ability to see things clearly. While it’s normal when sad to want to stay in bed and sleep all day, make an effort to get up and get out
3. Spend time with good friends who will hug you and feed you nourishing food. You might want to avoid being alone for a while
4. Communicate, talk it out, particularly with a therapist. You need someone who will really listen, and not interrupt or just wait to tell you their own experience of a heartbreak experience, or minimise it, offer sympathy that makes you feel worse, or false cheeriness as in “think of all the good things you’ve got!” Don’t expect friends to be your therapists.

Stage two: Reflection

1. Have you experienced many previous losses? Unresolved grief can accumulate and become more painful. If you’ve never experienced this level of pain before, some of these coping skills are needed.
2. Identifying disappointments will help to point to our unrealistic expectations. Were we deceived or did we deceive ourselves? Or both? Did we not see clearly who the other really was?
3. In retrospect, we can see what we may have not seen, or blinded ourselves to, and be wiser for the future.
4. Avoid the trap of beating yourself up. It’s not fair to blame yourself for not knowing then what you now know. Taking responsibility not to be deceived in the future, however, is essential, and it’s very different from blame.

Stage three: Managing loss

1. This involves taking responsibility for our own emotions. No one can make us feel anything without our (unconscious) agreement. We cannot change what has happened, but we can choose how we respond
2. Avoid negative coping styles such as drugs, alcohol, risky behaviour or chronic distractions. Plan activities that are nurturing and enjoyable instead
3. Take time off if you can. Avoid burying yourself in work to distract yourself. If you have to work and/or have commitments to care for others, make sure you also allow time out to let yourself feel, to work through the process
4. Go away, if only for a short time. Scenery that does not trigger painful memories is helpful to the healing process. If you can’t leave, maybe you could change your furniture around or repaint the walls. Create a difference in your living space, to lay down new memories and new feelings.
5. You might consider a change in appearance—a new haircut or a change in wardrobe. It’s remarkable how different we can feel when we have a new look.

Stage four: Healing

1. Work out what you need and find ways to give this to yourself
2. Whenever you feel resentment, it’s likely because there’s something you really don’t want. Give yourself the choice of not agreeing to what you don’t want to do. You’ll be pleased with yourself for looking after your “self”. Resolve to give what you want to give to others only from a full heart and with complete agreement instead of grudgingly. This might mean adjusting from the compliance of “always being nice” to being decisive and assertive, while still being polite
3. Practise being in the present. Save pondering the past for therapy sessions, and leave it there, while you get on with what needs to to be done in your life now. It’s important to realise that until past issues have been resolved, we can be frequently triggered by seemingly trivial situations in the present, and react in a way that’s out of proportion. It’s an indication that we need to look at what is really being triggered. For example, Jana’s fury at the lack of consideration shown by a work colleague preoccupied her for days. In therapy, she realised this incident had evoked her resentment of the lack of consideration and appreciation shown by her ex-partner, and before that, by her father. As a child she’d felt helpless when disregarded, particularly when she herself behaved considerately. Once this was put into perspective, Jana was able to see that as an adult she was able to communicate more assertively and effectively. This realisation changed her childhood conditioned habit of accepting others’ values when they imposed on her own, to valuing herself as an equal. Her next relationship was more reciprocal, and Jana was much happier with both herself and her new partner, as well as being more valued at work.

Stage five: A new relationship?

1. Make the list. It’s a sign the grieving process is over when we realise we’re looking to the future and a possible new relationship. However, to avoid old mistakes, make a list of all the qualities you want in your ideal mate in the first of three columns down a page. Examples include: ‘kind’; ‘emotionally available’; ‘monogamous’; ‘in touch with emotions and able to express them’; ‘good communicator’; ‘financially stable’; ‘a considerate lover’ and so on. Then, down the middle column of your page, rate yourself on a scale of 0–10 on each of these qualities. Be honest and fair. If in any of these qualities you rate yourself 7/10 or less, resolve that you need to work on yourself on these. The reason is we need to feel equal to our partner, and if they are, say, 10 on some quality while we rate ourselves as 4/10, we might not feel we deserve them, and might unconsciously sabotage the relationship. Give yourself some time to work on what you’d like to improve. Six months to a year is not an unreasonable amount of time for this. When a prospective new partner arrives, see how well you can tick off the boxes. Don’t accept anything less than a great match
2. Make sure you’re ready. A relationship on the rebound, when we’re still smarting, angry, needy or in pain, is not likely to last. Ask yourself: Can you be comfortably alone with yourself? Can you fill your time with activities that are restful, emotionally nourishing or mentally stimulating? If you answered yes, congratulations, you have overcome your heartbreak. You are now ready to bring far more acceptance and love to a relationship, and appreciate what your partner brings, too.

The post How to Overcome a Heartbreak and Start Living Again appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

When I discovered my husband’s affair I was distraught, devastated and blown apart by his betrayal. He was supposed to have my back, emotionally and physically. Instead, he hid behind his back a double life. Like a magician, he concealed a five-year relationship in plain sight, leaving me to feel worse than a fool. I cared for our two children, one just an infant, while he was falling in love with someone else and telling me he loved me, and that he was blessed to have me in his life.

Under the moon

And then, a pocket call blew the lid off his jar full of lies. I had finally discovered just how much he loved me. I then sat in a deep meditative state under the virtuous light of a full moon, which was pretty fascinating, because at the time I didn’t meditate. I didn’t think I knew how. I guess people turn to meditation for all sorts of reasons, including spontaneously in an effort to survive after witnessing their world vaporise.

At least that’s what I did

There, in the dark, began my metamorphosis from an uptight, nothing is ever right, I’m not worthy, judgmental, over-taxed, overwhelmed woman to a woman filled with gratitude and love for all, even my former spouse. I pulled myself out of the past and back from the future and began the process of retraining myself to live in the present moment. Because I didn’t have a choice, my world had just vanished. I was panic-stricken. My past was a lie. My future was shot. The only place I felt I could breathe was in the present moment. However, I wasn’t enlightened, I was afraid.

The trauma of discovering infidelity broke me apart. Then, the moon blew me open. When I looked at the scattered pieces of me, I had the opportunity to reclaim those that felt useful and set free those that no longer fit. Over the next three years I rebuilt myself. This was not a piece by piece experience. Sometimes the walls would fall again, or the foundation would get shaken. Sometimes I would pull the pieces apart to start anew. But I became accustomed to the process and was adept at reconfiguring the pieces of me so they fit better together.

Figuring out who I am

Each time I reconstructed or reconfigured I did so not out of fear but out of great curiosity. Who is this person I am to become? I took to the mountains, spending time in meditation to answer the question. And what I discovered was that my ego was the part of me that kept me stuck—in fear, filled with angst. I was unsure, always. It was my ego that needed to know who I was. It required me to answer—am I a wife? A mother? A writer? A failure? A success?

I am none of those things.

I am light. I am life. I am gratitude. I am love. I am presence. I am peace. I am a reflection. I am whole.

Mother, woman, wife, writer… those are positions I hold with gratitude, grace and reverence.

Addressing my ego

After many months of looking at my ego, coming to understand its role in my life, I sat it down and sent it on holiday. Sure, it tries to check in every now and then but I let it know all is well and send it away. Instead of seeing life through the eyes of my ego, I now live from my centre, my heart. I live from my soul.

It is from this place that I am able to express gratitude to my former spouse for being the catalyst that jettisoned me out of unconscious living and into presence. He has played a crucial role in my life. With him I became a wife, a mother, and then, through the experience of infidelity and divorce, I transformed my entire being.

The discovery of his affair was as near to a near-death experience as one can get, and the process of healing after was akin to a rebirth. Without having experienced it, or something like it, I feel safe saying that I would have lived a half-hearted life. And, upon my death, condolences would have been appropriate. Not now.

Moving on

Now I celebrate each day. And when I feel myself wanting to judge or complain or be taken by fear, I come to the present moment, to my heart. I join hands with my soul, feeling secure and knowing that I am right here, right now, exactly where I am supposed to be. I feel the unconditional love that surrounds this gorgeous planet. And I nurture my vibrational energy so I exude that love. I have no idea what the future holds, which is fine. It is in the now that I must reside.

It is in the now that I hear the applause of the universe for living a life of presence.

Before the pocket call, I was eating cheese steaks and complaining about politics and hated my body and struggled under the weight of the world. I was always on the go with not enough time and never enough sleep. There was a constant ball of angst in my centre, as if at any moment tragedy could strike so I best be wary and on guard.

Gratitude for my husband’s affair

Do I hate my former spouse? No way. He played his role perfectly. I am eternally grateful. I know who I am now. I forgive his human actions because I know deep in my soul that his choice to have an affair fulfilled my need to be shaken to my core so that I could come alive.

This appreciation doesn’t mean I want to flip through our wedding album together, which I threw out, or reminisce about our brazen move across the country [the one that put him within an hour’s flight of his mistress]. Although I have laughed about the irony of that one… I do empathise with the burden he now carries. One day he’ll need to look into the wide eyes of our children and face their questions about his choice to break our marriage vows.

I accept that this was the journey he needed to take and I was the one who would walk beside him until the time when his actions would part our union.

I thank him because his affair, which to the world-at-large makes him a bad person, made me a more present and loving person, a more integrated being.

If you told me that I’d one day I’d be grateful for the experience of infidelity and divorce, I would have been shocked by your suggestion. Yet, that’s exactly how it played out.

The post Why I am thankful for my husband’s affair appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

There are many reasons a partner strays. If you are not dealing with a sexual addiction of some sort, the most typical reason for infidelity is that the person straying feels that his or her needs are not being met within the relationship. There are a few indicators of this. In my book What About Me? Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship, I talk about the never-ending fights in which couples are unable to ever find resolution and therefore argue endlessly about a certain matter. The flip side of this is when one partner stops fighting. It might seem like a good thing, but in reality the person has simply given up, knowing that no matter how hard they fight, they will never be heard. They have reached a point of resignation. So, people don’t go looking for an affair. Most often, it happens when there’s already some long-standing unhappiness brewing in the marriage. But, the betrayed person doesn’t realise the extent of discontent their partner might be experiencing.

It’s your call

Infidelity is a wake-up call for your marriage and, once it is discovered, can lead a couple in one of two directions.

The first is when the anger and resentment are so great that the person who was cheated sees no other choice but to walk away and end the marriage.

But it is also possible that both partners commit to rebuilding the broken trust and continuing as a couple. I have worked with many such couples over the years who have decided to give themselves a second chance. Most of them agree that their commitment to each other, their level of intimacy, and their relationship in general is far better now than it was before. But to get to that point, they had to be willing to do the heavy lifting.

Most often, an affair happens when there’s already some long-standing unhappiness brewing in the marriage

If you are the betrayer

Initially the person who has strayed feels terrible and wants to make amends. There is also an element of self-righteousness that can creep in when that person might feel they were pushed into infidelity. They might say things like, “I wouldn’t have done it if you hadn’t done whatever.” But if you intend to rebuild your marriage, such retorts have no place. The betrayer cannot insist on having his or her own needs being met until the foundation is under their feet again—and that takes time.

With this in mind, the following three steps can help you recover and carry on together.

The first step is the apology. You must take ownership and responsibility for what you did. There has to be a real acknowledgment of the enormity of what took place.

The second step is a move toward empathy. Remember the Tin Man from The Wizard of Oz and the importance of his constantly being oiled? When you empathise with your partner, you let them know that you understand the way they feel and the pain you’ve caused them. You must be able to say over and over again, as often as is necessary, that you know how much anguish you have brought to your beloved. You cannot afford to slough it off. Indeed, you must address your partner’s feelings of hurt and resentment each time they it bring it up, otherwise they are at risk of getting stuck in their anger and despair. Your ability to empathise with your partner while they talk openly about what they’ve been through will enable them to move beyond the pain.

And the third step is frequent doses of reassurance. You must promise them, time and again, that this will not happen again because you are committed to rebuilding the trust. A major ingredient for making this work is that you don’t harbour any more secrets. Complete accountability and full disclosure is the way to go. You must answer all questions, as hard as that might be, keeping in mind that your spouse’s imagination will likely be worse than the reality of what actually happened. This is no longer the time for ‘doing your own thing’ and keeping things private. If your spouse wants to see your e-mail, your laptop, your phone—that is all fair game now. The time for personal space that created so much distance has passed. It is a time to close the gap between you.

Only when you have established each person’s willingness and ability to trust again can you begin to talk about what was missing in the marriage before the infidelity episode. In my experience, your partner will be more willing to listen and be open to your needs because they don’t want to take a chance on losing you again.

I encourage couples to seek counselling to help them through this. Once you are through the hardest part [which can take up to a year], and have talked it all out, your marriage will hopefully be in a better place than where it was before the affair.

The post Giving your partner a second chance after their infidelity appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

The meaning of marriage

To understand the dynamics of an extramarital affair, we need to first understand the true meaning of marriage.

Marriage is much more than an institution to enhance physical survival and ensure continuity of life. It is not just a bond between the male who is the provider and protector, and the female who bears children and raises them. If that were only the purpose, both roles would have fitted perfectly, but it is much more. Marriage is a spiritual partnership between two equals, instituted for the purpose of spiritual growth; and today, no marriage will last until the partners share such a relationship. This spiritual partnership is the vehicle for personal growth, and is invaluable for this purpose.

The Upanishads [Hindu scriptures] talk of marriage as a beautiful relationship, which—even as the needs of the partners are fulfilled—creates an ideal atmosphere for inter-personal growth, where both partners have a golden opportunity to evolve and grow towards their own higher selves. This happens because the intimate relationship makes us vulnerable and provokes us to bring to the surface our true selves, otherwise kept hidden under a social mask. Our partner, in turn, mirrors this face, and creates a perfect opportunity to honestly see and admit to ourselves what we see, introspect, accept, transform, and finally be in harmony with ourselves.

Marriage as a mirror of self

In a deep and intimate relationship, the mirroring of one’s true self is most accurate. Some individuals are uncomfortable with the truth about themselves. They have kept their true face carefully hidden under a social mask from others as well as from themselves, and have convinced themselves that their mask is their true face. Such individuals feel threatened when there is too much intimacy because, in intimacy, there are unguarded moments when the mask slips, and your partner instantly reflects your real face to you. This whole process frightens them, so they shy away from an intense relationship. They do not want to face their own reality and therefore, justify their actions. Whenever the closeness feels threatening to them they get uncomfortable and escape to another relationship—in other words, they have an extramarital affair.

Escape from problems

The escapist reacts in these two ways instead of seeing their problem of discomfort with reality.

• They blames the partner point-blank for creating a conflict
• If they can’t find something obvious to blame the other, they justify the escape under the guise of wanting so-called “freedom” in marriage.

The escapists can never be committed to anyone unless they see this “escapist” pattern of life, and want to transcend it truly. The truth therefore remains unchanged, that is, the escapist mind wants the comfort of being an irresponsible child at all times, and cannot and will not stand the truth; therefore it is anti-truth, anti-love, anti-commitment and thus anti-life.

What one gets from an extramarital affair

Today it is considered trendy, liberal and even being with the times if you have an extramarital affair. Flirting between married couples is rampant in the elitist society, and if you do not have a taste for it, you are considered square and primitive.

How do people react to having such an experience? Some people find exactly what they are looking for:

• the reassurance that they are not really getting old
• that they still have sex appeal
• escape from boredom
• a release of pent-up tensions
• a means of getting even with their spouse for something
• a way of satisfying their curiosity
• a change of pace from their ordinary sexual diet
• a temporary form of escape.

Others find the experience to be empty, guilt-provoking, awkward, frightening and psychologically de-stabilising.

Man as a polygamous animal

Those who indulge in extramarital affairs very often justify their actions by saying that man is a polygamous animal, and that it is natural for them to have multiple partners. They compare themselves to animals and say that they too, like animals, function with biological instincts, cleverly restricting the comparison to polygamous animals in the sexual arena only. Here, we would like to ask all those who want to live like animals [in accordance with the Law of the Jungle], why they are not living like them in other areas of life? Animals don’t have the security of banks, secured jobs, a secured meal, a secured partner tucked away at home to indulge if none other is available outside. They do not have ambitions of name, fame, prestige for themselves. They do not go after exotic varieties of foods, nor do they overeat. They do not live to eat like man; instead they follow their biology faithfully and merely eat to live. They do not stimulate themselves with pornographic literature or movies. So, in effect, we see that man does everything that animals don’t do in every other sphere of life. He follows the law of man in other areas, but wants to follow the law of the jungle in the sexual sphere only. Animals never over-indulge—they are true to their biological nature—but man does.

Sexual Evolution

But as therapists we can understand the statement “Human being is a polygamous animal” in a deeper context. It is part of the sexual evolution of human beings. Yes, human species is polygamous to begin with. However, we are born with a capacity to evolve as a higher being—from animal-man to man-man to ultimately God-man.

We are all born autosexuals—it means “in love with ourselves”. If you observe carefully, every child is in love with himself. Every child is utterly self-centre; it is concerned only with its own body, its own needs and its own pleasures.

But by the age of seven, very naturally, the child transcends this stage and goes into the second stage of evolution. The second phase is homosexual. Homosexual means “in love with someone just like you”. Boys make friends with boys and girls make friends with girls. If the child has lived his first autosexual stage properly, and has loved himself completely, very naturally he starts loving those who have similar bodies.

When a man is really out of autosexual and homosexual phases, he is capable and mature to fall in love with a woman—to be in a true heterosexual stage—which is a totally different world, a different chemistry, a different psychology, a different spirituality. He is able to play with this different world, this different organism. They are poles apart, but when they come close, interpersonal growth occurs. To love a woman or to love a man, a new kind of being is needed, which can accept the polar opposite.

It is clear that extramarital relationships occur only in the autosexual stage of sexual evolution. This is, as seen above, an out and out “taking” state. If one evolves to a heterosexual stage of sexual evolution, he/she will be in a “giving” state. Here, the commitment is between two opposites for the purpose of spiritual growth. And thus extramarital affairs do not exist in such a relationship.

What is love?

A meaningful life can result only from the experience of love in our life, and this implies a commitment and dedication to another. Love does not ask the question, “What am I getting out of this?” as the criterion of fulfilment. Love understands by direct experience that it is in giving that we receive. Love takes time, demands a history of giving and dying; it never promises instant gratification, only ultimate fulfilment. Love means believing in someone, in something; it supposes a willingness to struggle, to work, to suffer and to join in the rejoicing. There has not been even one recorded case of deep and lasting fulfilment by a person whose basic mindset and only question was, “What am I getting out of this?” Satisfaction and fulfilment are the by-products of committed and dedicated love. They belong only to those who can reach beyond themselves, and to whom giving is more important than receiving.

Do you want love?

Sometimes, we are tempted to confuse good times with a good life. A successful pursuit of endless good times is something that can never really exist, and can only result in the inevitable sadness and disappointment of unfulfilled expectations.

If you don’t want to:

• Break the fixation with self and give up your self-centeredness
• Learn how to care about and be sincerely dedicated to the satisfaction of another,
• Postpone personal gratification to meet the needs of another
• Get in touch with your deepest feelings and most hidden thoughts
• Share your most vulnerable self as an act of love
• Get honest feedback from someone who really knows you through your own self-disclosure
• Work at the delicate art of communication and shared decision-making.

If you don’t want these things, then obviously you don’t want love.

The choice is yours!

The post Extramarital affair: Why do we stray? appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.