Standing out means owning who you are

Can you relate to Rachel’s experience? How do you feel about standing out from the crowd? Does the idea excite you and make you smile, or does the very thought strike terror in your heart and make you cringe? If the latter is truer for you, what has been your alternative to standing out?

Many women describe their style as ‘beige,’ ‘predictable,’ ‘decent’ or ‘downright boring.’ Rarely does a woman purposely choose that look. It is usually a response to her deeply-rooted fear of standing out for the wrong reasons; she would rather fade into the woodwork than risk looking silly or inappropriate. The result? Each time she gets dressed, her self-esteem and confidence take a direct hit.

How do you feel about standing out from the crowd? Does the idea excite you or does it strike terror in your heart and make you cringe?

Some people equate standing out with looking flamboyant, outrageous or ostentatious. But that doesn’t have to be true [although those looks certainly do produce a few stares!]. Standing out means owning who you are and celebrating that. And if flamboyant, outrageous or ostentatious is who you are, then celebrate it! You can stand out whether your look is subtle and elegant or dramatic and bold or something else entirely. As long as you display your personality and inner essence, then no matter how you express it, it just looks and feels right.

Respect yourself

Recently, I met with Fiona, who was about to re-enter the dating scene and felt apprehensive. Her most pressing question was, “When should I show cleavage?” Together, we did some work and determined that her personality was primarily gentle, heartfelt and radiant. I could tell just by looking at her that the idea of showing a lot of cleavage felt foreign and uncomfortable. Fiona had a predetermined belief, however, that she was supposed to expose cleavage at some point in her dating experience, so it came as a great relief to her to learn that she never had to if she didn’t want to, especially if it wasn’t true to her essence.

What she really wanted to explore was how to look and feel sexy in a way that was authentic for her. Now, that’s a different story!

You can stand out whether your look is subtle and elegant or dramatic and bold or something else entirely

What about you? What is your look saying about you? What motivation is driving you to choose the outfits you do? Are you trying to blend in and hide [this never really works] or stand out in a way that gives you confidence and feels good?

Dress positively

As with Rachel, women are hesitant about standing out, but this is usually because they don’t know how to do so in a positive way. If you could use a little support in this area, here’s an exercise to help.

The next time you get dressed, rate the outfit you choose to wear on a scale of one to ten.
A ten would mean that you are totally celebrating yourself and dressing authentically with no apologies, and a one would mean that you are hiding as much as is humanly possible. Obviously, the goal is to get to 10!

Next, analyse your look.
What aspect of your style feels like you are trying really hard not to be noticed? Is it the:

• colour [too beige, black or neutral]?
• cut of the outfit [too big, boxy or shapeless]?
• fabric [sweatshirt, or head-to-toe polar fleece]?
• overall style [it looks like your mother, sister or best friend so you can fit in]?
• accessories [or lack thereof]?
• lack of textures or patterns [all smooth solid colours]?

Once you have analysed your current look, make a concerted effort to tweak just one component at a time. Add texture, a touch of colour or some accessories. Keep trying until it feels good and fun.

Let your inner beauty shine

“You are you. Now, isn’t that pleasant?”
— Dr Seuss

Remember, you aren’t trying to stand out just to stand out. This is about feeling empowered to express your inner beauty and authenticity. As with Fiona above who worried about showing cleavage on her dates, you have to determine what feels right for you in your life right now.

Women are hesitant about standing out because they don’t know how to do so in a positive way

To give you an example, Tim describes himself as gentle and mild. He wears delicate colours and soft styles. When he wears a jacket, it is not made of bulky or heavy fabric. Meanwhile, Jack is quirky and colourful. He can wear deep, bold colours and often wears chunky cuff links without it seeming like too much.

The delicious part of all of this is that both Tim and Jack stand out in their own individual way. If Jack toned everything down and tried to be refreshingly gentle and Tim wore brightly-coloured, quirky clothes, they would each feel uncomfortable and self-conscious. They would stand out in a way that felt disingenuous.

Remember Rachel? That’s exactly what she was worried about. As soon as we swapped the high-heeled boots for flat ones, she relaxed and smiled. Her legs still looked long, and the blue sweater still showed off her eyes. But she felt more grounded and at ease. Her internal peace shined through, and this is something others cannot help but notice. She now stood out in a way that reflected her inner beauty.

The same can be true for you. As you build your personal style, step by step, and begin to make positive changes, you will find the styles and garments that genuinely reflect who you are. That’s the sweet point where standing out as you has a whole new, delightful meaning!

A version of this was first published in the December 2013 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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I travelled a bit this week and had a few hours in Chicago O’Hare where I did some people watching. A woman with baby blue hair sat slumped in the seating area waiting for her plane. I thought, does she think that hair colour is attractive? She looked like a Smurf. I could understand this choice if she were a teen because teens make tons of bad decisions, but this woman was at least 60 years old. I wanted to tell her, if she waited a few years, her hair would turn blue on its own, but of course I didn’t. I was too busy astounded by a handsome young man walking toward me.

He was a goodlooking fellow, neat, clean—he looked smart in a green pair of shorts and a t-shirt. Then as he passed by. I got a look at his backside. His legs and arms were completely tattooed all the way down.  I don’t even know what the tattoo was supposed to be. It just looked like someone had taken a magic marker and scribbled all up and down the back of his limbs while he slept face down on the couch. Walking toward me his appearance said, I’m a great guy, I love my grandmother, and I play basketball with the guys on Saturday afternoon.  However, walking away it said, hold on to your purse lady, I’m a bad ass and you’re my target.

The hole truth

The look that absolutely makes me question the number of brain cells in some people is the gigantic hole they have in their earlobes. What is that? Is that where they hang a plant? Is it a place where they hook their keys at night? Does their mom run a scarf through there in case it gets cold later in the day? I don’t know, I really don’t!

Even more concerning are the people who put that type of hole in their chins just below the lip line. You can see the bottoms of their teeth and their gums. What would ever possess anyone to do that to their face? I’m just curious. How do you drink water from a bottle with that sort of thing on your chin?

The look that absolutely makes me question the number of brain cells in some people is the gigantic hole they have in their earlobes

Piercing looks

Recently I was at a business meeting and a young woman who worked for a bank stood up to tell us about what the bank offered. Honestly, I couldn’t look at her because she had a safety pin hooked through the tip of her nose. Her co-worker was a thirty-something man who had that business-upfront-and-party-in-the-back hairdo. I mean come on! Am I going to give you people my money?

A relatively nice looking woman was wearing a very revealing sundress the other day. It wouldn’t have been so bad, but she had a horribly hacked up boob job and the sundress hid nothing. It looked bad, but it was like a car wreck you couldn’t look away from. She weighed about 80 pounds and her boobs about 25 each. I kept expecting her to fall over.

So different and yet same

In a world where everyone is working so hard to look different, to have their own identity, to express themselves, they all look the same to me. Stupid.

As I sat disgusted with the way people have defaced their faces and mangled their bodies, a man about 5’9″ walked by. He was dressed in a chocolate brown suit and had a cream coloured shirt ironed to a crisp. His tie was a beautiful brown and blue paisley and was tied in a perfect windsor knot. His shoes were shined and his hair was cut with precision. I’m sure he smelled delicious. This is the man who really stood out. He was the one who was different. He got my full attention. If I were looking to hire anyone, he would have gotten the job. This man was dressed for success; the rest of them, I think, may have been carnival workers… not that there’s anything wrong with that.

To be honest, the people I saw may have very well been wonderful, kind, smart people. We are judged, sadly, by our appearance. First impressions actually do mean the difference between getting a job or not, between connecting with someone or not. We are human beings and we look at people and assume certain things about them based on what they look like and how they dress. I’m not saying that it’s right to do that, I’m just saying that is what happens.

In short, if you want me to shop at your shop, bank at your bank, support your cause or hire you to renovate my house, take the damn safety pin out of your nose.

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