Research shows that alpha personalities — characterized by leadership traits, high ambition, and strong decision-making abilities — face specific challenges when both partners share these traits. But, with the right approach, two alphas can create exceptionally successful marriages that leverage both partners’ natural leadership abilities.

In this article, we’ll explore the unique dynamics of dual alpha relationships, common pitfalls to avoid, and helpful strategies that successful alpha couples use to thrive together.

• Understanding Alpha Personalities in Relationships
• Common Challenges When Two Alpha Personalities Marry
  • Fighting about who is on top spells trouble in any family
  • For an alpha, giving up leads to feelings of depression
  • Anxiety emerges if decision-making freezes
  • Escape via distractions can offer a fourth alternative
• 5 Proven Strategies for Two Alpha Personalities in Marriage
  1. Zero talking or acting out in anger
  2. Discuss the issue calmly, starting by asking questions to gather information and then sharing your concerns
  3. Establish Clear Roles and Responsibilities Based on Strengths
  4. Schedule Regular Check-ins to Prevent Conflicts
  5. Use Win-Win Problem Solving
• Frequently Asked Questions
• The Takeaway

Understanding Alpha Personalities in Relationships

In the world of wild dogs, every pack has a pecking order, on the top of which reigns the alpha. A strong alpha enables the pack to function in harmony. In return, the alpha gets special perks: first access to food and to mating opportunities. Who wouldn’t want to be the alpha?!

Fighting establishes who is on top. The more physically powerful alpha rules the roost. The loser slinks off. Fighting is risky though; even the winner may suffer wounds.

Common Challenges When Two Alpha Personalities Marry

If the animal is a person and the troop is a family, the husband and wife may both aim to take the dominant alpha role. Both George and Julie, for instance, are alphas by temperament and capability. Both are effective leaders at work, both with upper management corporate positions. When these two male and female alpha personalities interact at home, they have five options. Four are of these are bad options:

• Fight: to win by domineering
• Fold: giving in and giving up like a slinking-off weaker dog
• Freeze: by ceasing to talk about their differences
• Flee: escaping the conflict physically or else via distractions: drugs or alcohol, watching TV sports, overeating, working 24/7, or continuously focusing on their computer.

Fighting about who is on top spells trouble in any family

Anger upsets everyone in earshot. Here’s how that picture would look in George and Julie’s family:

George wants to eat dinner at 6pm; his wife wants to eat at 7pm. George would grumble and growl about how dinner was not ready when he was. He might make nasty comments, complain and criticize his wife, or shout to bully Julie into doing what he wanted. 

Julie would other forms of fighting to get her way. She did not want to bicker with George or shout louder or make nastier comments than he could. Rather, she would fight via passive-aggressive inaction. That is, she would get back at George by winning with a strategy of not doing, ignoring what George wanted. Alternatively, when George would shout, rather than argue each point, she would wait, quietly seething, until she could deftly slide in a snide comment that wounded him to the core. 

For an alpha, giving in and giving up leads to depression

Feeling less powerful creates a loss of serotonin. This serotonin drop is experienced in both animals and people as depression. When the weaker partner caves in on the struggle to get what she or he wants, depression emerges.

Depression serves a purpose. Depression decreases motivation to fight. Staying clear of fights prevents the weaker party from engaging in fights that might produce emotional or physical injuries. They resign to thinking, “Better depression than to get wounded.”

Julie would ultimately triumph by wounding George with cutting contemptuous comments, George would then stomp out of the room, acting angry but experiencing an internal feeling of depressive collapse. 

At other times, it was Julie who gave up on what she wanted. Suffering depression sometimes felt safer than attempting to stand up against George’s angry outbursts.

Anxiety emerges if decision-making freezes

Neither partner may want to risk getting injured, but immobilization in the face of a conflict or dilemma is a recipe for on-going anxiety.

On major issues, for instance, whether to move to an in-town apartment that would enable George to have less commute time to work but feel less comfortable for Julie, neither spouse wanted to fight. To avoid arguments, they avoided the topic altogether. The price was a continual background feeling of tension.

Escape via distractions can offer a fourth alternative

George tried to drown out his anger by drinking alcohol. Drinking actually calmed him but also caused him to withdraw into himself, brooding. Julie then resented her husband’s lack of attention to her. When a man at work began to shower her with sunshine, smiling often at her and finding excuses for them to talk, Julie began to feel tempted to stray. Turning elsewhere to avoid problematic situations invites creation of even worse problems.

Related » How to Live with a Perfectionist Partner: Advice From Experts

5 Proven Strategies for Two Alpha Personalities in Marriage

The good news is that people, unlike animals, can talk. With calm information sharing, win-win solutions can emerge. But first, both the male and the female need to accept each other as alphas. There is no rule that states two alpha personalities cannot be together. So Julie and George can work in the long run; only prerequisite is a will to be together.

Here are the steps that make a difference.

1. Zero talking or acting out in anger

Anger draws attention to a challenging situation. The adrenaline surge prepares you to fight. Having alerted you to a problem though, anger then needs to be given a few moments to dissipate. Pausing and doing something that would be distracting and calming refreshes the emotional system. (Also read A spiritual solution for dealing with anger in marriage)

George experienced a sudden surge of anger when he returned home one day and saw a new car in their garage. He and his wife had always made big purchases together. How could Julie have bought a new car without talking to him?!

Tempted to rage at his wife, George took a few deep breaths, reminding himself that quiet talking was always more helpful than lashing out. When he entered the house, he took a few moments to wash his face and cool down, staying clear of ruminating about Julie and what she had done.

2. Discuss the issue calmly, starting by asking questions to gather information and then sharing your concerns

Information-gathering and solution-building only proceed effectively when the tone is calm, safe, and good-humored.

“Is that your new car in front of our house?” George later asked Julie, trying to stay calm.  “Where did you get it? Usually we make big financial decisions like a car purchase together.”

“Yes, George, I agree we always make big purchases together, and I like that. This car was no exception. I’ll explain. Remember my colleague Sarah, my best friend at work, who died suddenly in her sleep about a month ago? Sarah had no children. She left a very simple will, giving most of her money to a charity. But her new car, which I had admired, she left to me. Her lawyer brought it to me today. I’m so touched!”

“That was very kind of her,” George agreed, sighing with relief. 

3. Establish Clear Roles and Responsibilities Based on Strengths

Two alphas often clash when both try to control the same decisions. The solution is dividing leadership based on each partner’s strengths.

George excelled at financial planning while Julie had a gift for home design. Yet they constantly argued over both areas—George critiquing decorating choices, Julie questioning financial decisions.

Their breakthrough came during another paint color debate. “We’re both trying to control areas where the other person is actually stronger,” Julie realized. “What if we each led in our natural strengths?”

They agreed. George would handle major financial decisions while keeping Julie informed. Julie would manage home-related choices while considering budget impacts. Both retained input and veto power, but respected each other’s primary jurisdiction. This eliminated daily power struggles while letting both exercise their alpha nature productively. 

4. Schedule Regular Check-ins to Prevent Conflicts

Alpha personalities hate being blindsided by decisions. Regular planning prevents the surprise conflicts that trigger power struggles.

Julie learned this after “The Vacation Incident.” She found a great beach house deal and booked it as a surprise for George. When she announced their vacation was “all set,” George felt excluded from a major family decision. Even though he loved her choice, his alpha nature reacted to being left out of the process.

“I wish you had talked to me first,” George said calmly. “I love the place, but I feel like I didn’t get any say in our family vacation.”

Their solution was to have weekly 15-minute “check-ins” every Sunday evening. They would discuss upcoming decisions, plans either is considering, and potential conflicts. Now Julie says, “I’m looking into vacation options—found some great places. Want to look together tomorrow?” George feels included from the start, preventing reactive conflicts.

5. Use Win-Win Problem Solving

When conflict arises, alpha couples need structured approaches to find solutions honoring both partners’ needs. Unlike couples where one might defer, two alphas will fight unless they have collaborative methods.

George got promoted but faced a 90-minute commute. He wanted to move closer to work. Julie loved their neighborhood—her friendships, professional connections, and the kids’ schools. Initially, each argued their case: George emphasized family time gained, Julie stressed losing her support network. They were stuck.

Julie suggested trying collaborative problem-solving from her management training. First, they identified core needs. George needed less stress and more family time; Julie needed to maintain her network and kids’ stability.

Then they brainstormed options – moving, staying put, remote work, compromise locations, or George finding a closer job. The solution surprised them: George negotiated three remote days per week, commuting only twice weekly with overnight hotel stays.

Both felt heard, neither felt defeated. The key was focusing on underlying needs rather than preferred solutions.

Related » How to help a friend who is facing marital problems

Frequently Asked Questions

Can two alpha personalities have a successful relationship?

Yes, absolutely. Two alpha personalities can create exceptionally strong partnerships when they learn to channel their leadership traits collaboratively rather than competitively. The key is accepting each other as equals and developing systems for shared decision-making. Many successful couples are both alphas—they just need different strategies than traditional relationships.

How Can Two Alpha Personalities Work Together in Marriage?

Two alpha personalities can work together by using calm communication, establishing clear roles based on strengths, scheduling regular check-ins, and focusing on win-win solutions. The key is channeling competitive traits into collaboration rather than conflict.

What are the biggest challenges for dual alpha couples?

The main challenges include power struggles over decisions, difficulty compromising when both partners are used to leading, and the tendency to compete rather than collaborate. Alpha couples also face issues with anger management, as both partners may react strongly when they feel their authority is questioned. However, these challenges are manageable with the right communication approaches.

How do alpha females and alpha males work together in relationships?

Alpha females and males can complement each other beautifully by dividing leadership responsibilities based on their individual strengths rather than competing for the same territory. The key is mutual respect—both partners must acknowledge the other’s capabilities and avoid traditional gender role expectations that might limit either person’s natural leadership abilities.

What communication strategies work best for strong personalities?

The most effective approach is calm, information-gathering conversations rather than heated arguments. Start by asking questions to understand your partner’s perspective, then share your own concerns without attacking. Avoid making assumptions and give anger time to cool before discussing important issues. Regular check-ins also prevent surprise conflicts that trigger power struggles. (Also read The art of marital communication)

Do alpha couples fight more than other couples?

Not necessarily. While alpha couples may have more intense disagreements initially, they often resolve conflicts more efficiently once they develop good communication patterns. Their natural problem-solving abilities can actually lead to faster resolution of issues. The difference is that their conflicts tend to be more direct and focused on solutions rather than lingering resentments.

Should one alpha partner become more passive to make the relationship work?

No. Asking an alpha to suppress their natural traits typically leads to resentment and depression. Instead, both partners should remain true to their alpha nature while learning to collaborate effectively. The goal is channeling those leadership qualities toward building a stronger partnership, not diminishing either person’s natural strengths.

Related » Are You the Overdependent One in Your Marriage?

Summing Up

Successful dual alpha couples like George and Julie talk together collaboratively. Living happily ever after is never easy for any couple, but cooperation matters. By calming themselves, asking questions instead of interpreting or assuming, and listening to each other’s concerns when there is a decision to be made, two alphas can share their family’s leadership in a way that enables the entire family to thrive.

This is an updated version of the article; it was first published on 17^th September 2017.

Last updated on 25^th June 2025

The post Two Alphas in Marriage: How to Make It Work appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

My life was filled with broken plates, damaged relationships, and most of all, shame. When I think back on all those moments of anger the first word that comes to my mind is regret. Yet, despite the pain that anger caused, it took me years to realize that I had a problem and even longer to get it under control.

Stop Idealizing Anger

Anger is often idealized in the modern world. It is at the heart of daytime talk shows and reality TV; it’s even glorified in sports like football, boxing, and mixed martial arts.

The idealization of anger made me think that rage was an acceptable—even desirable—way of being. I was often tempted by the passion that rage invoked, but eventually I saw that anger offers a false promise.

Anger doesn’t just harm those it’s directed at; it also harms the person caught in its grasp. It has taken me years to come to terms with the things I’ve said and done when caught in fits of anger. But all of this taught me that I can’t allow anger to rule my life. So, I spent several years learning to tame this fearsome beast.

How to Stop Being So Angry

When I realized the damage that anger was causing in my life, I knew I had to make a change, but I didn’t know where to start. It was a tricky feeling to conquer.

Rage can feel random and unpredictable, and when it does occur, it happens so fast it can be hard to stop. So, instead of trying to stop rage, I decided to watch it. What I discovered not only revealed the secrets of rage, but also taught me to conquer it in a dramatic way. Below I share the steps that helped me be in control of my anger.

1. Notice when you feel angry

Anger and rage doesn’t come on suddenly, so the first step is to notice it during its early stages.

I did my best to notice anything that made me irritated or angry. Then I would pause and say aloud “I feel angry” or “I feel irritated.” This simple practice not only revealed what bothered me, it also gave me space to feel these emotions. Many times I found that simply admitting my anger enabled me to let it go.

2. Look for patterns

Once I was able to recognize anger, I began to see patterns emerge. Things like lack of sleep, hunger, and high levels of stress made me more susceptible to rage.

Of course, these may seem obvious, but watching how these conditions affected my mood taught me to notice and counteract these risk factors. I learned that eating regular meals and getting enough rest were two of the easiest ways for me to keep a cool head.

Related » How mindfulness helps reduce stress

3.  Look underneath your rage

Of course, in many cases my anger wasn’t connected to hunger or fatigue, so in these cases I searched for another cause.

I discovered that often anger arose to cover up an unpleasant feeling. When a driver cut me off in traffic, I felt angry because it hid my fear. When a friend cancelled plans, I felt angry because it hid my sadness. Anger was easier to feel than fear or sadness, because it was more masculine and powerful. When I realized what was beneath my anger and made space for those feelings, the anger would often vanish.

4. Seek out the roots of anger

After noticing my emotions, I began to look into the thoughts that came up around anger. I noticed that the first thoughts were always about other people. But just past those were an array of thoughts and beliefs about myself.

Some examples are:

I’ll never be as successful as my siblings.

I’m such a screw up. I never do anything right.

I’ll never make my parents proud.

All these thoughts revealed a series of deeply held beliefs about the world and my ability to live in it. Once I saw these beliefs, I was able to examine them more closely.

Now, when I discover these beliefs, I state them to myself aloud. For example if a friend cancels plans, I might say: “I feel afraid that this friend does not like me because part of me believes I am not likeable.”

By noticing these beliefs and admitting them to myself I have found that they hold less power over me.

5. Dig up the roots of anger

Once I knew about these hidden beliefs I began to break them apart.

I’ll ask myself, “Is this belief true?” Often this question will reveal that my belief isn’t based on reality, but on an old fear.

In the example above, I might ask “Is it true that I am not likeable?” Then I reflect: I have many friends and most of them seem to enjoy my company. So my belief that I am not likeable probably isn’t true.

Over time, I have used this technique to see through many of these deeply-held beliefs. And each time I see through them, they lose a bit of their strength. This doesn’t mean I never encounter these beliefs, but it does mean that they no longer control my life.

Also read » How To Stay Calm and Composed In All Situations

Don’t Let Your Emotions Control You

One question I get a lot after I explain these steps is, do you still get angry? And the answer I always give is, “Yes!

My goal has never been to suppress my feelings. I don’t strive to become an emotionless zombie. Instead, my intention is to not let my emotions control me. I want to be able to wield my emotions carefully.

Now instead of anger being an enemy, I have turned it into an ally. I now see anger as a sign that there is something I have been neglecting.

Don’t stay angry

But I no longer let myself stay angry. Still, there have been a few rare instances when I have flown off the handle. Each time I have made the effort to forgive myself, and learn from the experience.

The key in my continued work with anger is to always be patient and curious. I find that when I’m willing to slow down and look at what is going on, a solution presents itself.

Conclusion

No matter where you are on the spectrum of anger, it’s important that you don’t give up. You don’t have to live your life in fear of your own emotions. If you can learn to be more open and kinder to yourself, you can tame even the most fearsome demon within your heart.

The post How to Stop Being So Angry appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

As I was maneuvering my way through the busy and chaos-filled roads, my mind began agitating and protesting against the undesirable circumstances that were thrust upon me by the inconsiderate authorities who ran the city. I was simmering inside, blaming the traffic cops, the civic authorities and everyone else who I was convinced were responsible for the mismanagement of the city’s roads. The cynic in me was rejoicing in self-righteous indignation! All through the drama, a part of me was quietly noticing my reactions—and acknowledging a familiar pattern in them.

Traffic as a metaphor for life

Driving in a densely populated city like Mumbai is an emotionally charged phenomenon. The collective emotional charge of scores of commuters often runs very high. Over the years I have come to liken traffic in this city as a metaphor for life itself. The unpredictability, the chaos, the reactions and counter-reactions, the rat race in which everyone is trying to get ahead, with little consideration for fellow commuters—all seem to mimic life. And, just like in life, while driving, we always have a choice to either respond or react.

When I am behind the wheel, my fragile ego often goes into an overdrive. For example, when someone cuts in front of me, I get highly offended—and immediately want to get even with this unworthy being who needs to be taught some lessons in respecting others’ rights. But isn’t this the way I react to people in my life too? Without knowing the whole context, I often make up my mind about others. When I feel offended by someone, I assume the worst about him or her. And in the process, I create unnecessary stress and anxiety for myself.

Becoming mindful of the “other”

Now, what if the gentleman who cut ahead of me was facing an emergency? What if he wanted to get to an important meeting lest he lose his job? What if he was grieving and preoccupied with thoughts of a friend who had recently passed away? Or worse, what if his wife was in a critical condition, and he had to rush to the hospital? Would I still feel so righteous about myself? Would I still want to get even with him? I think I would respond with compassion and concern and silently send him good wishes.

Granted that people are often deliberately sadistic on the road—but here’s what I have learned. Every time I react to others by trying to get even, I fuel their belligerence even more, adding to the already high negative charge on the road, and end up feeling not so great myself. Yet, each time I respond with kindness to those who drive recklessly, I dilute their aggression, introduce a little peace on the road, and maintain my own connection to peace. This is possible when we practice mindfulness while driving.

Practicing mindfulness while driving

I have now come to regard the daily commute as a fantastic opportunity to practise the values of kindness and compassion, tolerance and patience. Of course, it takes time to make these changes—I still tend to get hooked by my ancient pattern of reacting. But at least I am aware of it… and often this awareness restores my connection quickly and strengthens my commitment to being mindful, while driving — and living.

Deliberately practicing mindfulness while driving keeps us from overreacting and helps us stay in touch with our shared humanity. Think of driving like a daily mindfulness classroom, where you can learn to tame your ego and lessen your cynicism. In time, you will find yourself being more mindful both on and off the road, and you will begin to experience reduced stress and greater peace in all aspects of your life. That is the beauty of mindfulness.

The post Practicing mindfulness while driving appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Death Vows

These are strong beliefs where the person either casually or empathically, made a vow that they did not want to live. A vow is a belief that is a promise. It generally has emotion associated with it and can take on a life of its own. Examples of such vows are, “I would rather die, than live.” or “I want to kill myself.” Death vows can emerge during peak emotional experiences where the person feels trapped or that there is no other way out. What I have also found, that when death vows are made, generally the person does not mean it. In the heat of the moment the words just spontaneously emerge either as inner self talk or directed outwardly.

Un-forgiveness

An inability to forgive is linked to cancer. There is a difference between lip service forgiveness and true heart felt forgiveness. True forgiveness comes from within, and it occurs naturally when the past hurt or disappointment is released. When we find it in our hearts to whole-heartedly forgive ourselves and others, it creates an opening that unlocks a sense of peace, health and wholeness. Holding onto unforgiveness means that emotions such as anger, frustration and resentment fester beneath the surface and keep cortisol and adrenaline elevated, depleting natural killer cells which is one of the body’s defence mechanism against cancer cells replicating. You can read more about the healing power of forgiveness here.

Suppressed anger

Keeping any negative emotion suppressed can be harmful to health. It is toxic to the body, just like swallowing back down one’s own vomit. In a study conducted on 796 men and women, what was found was that those who bottled up their anger died from either heart disease or cancer. With anger, it is not always as simple as just express it. If anger is projected onto others it can be hurtful and sever relationships irrevocably. In addition, in my private practice I notice in the case of suppressed anger there are also beliefs and vows in place that prevent anger from being expressed. There is usually an early memory of parents fighting or anger being projected onto the child that makes the child decide, “Anger is bad, I must not get angry.” In fact the vow is so strong that the person would rather die, than risk getting angry.

The above 3 are the most significant emotional patterns that can cause cancer.

Other factors that could have an influence:

1. Low self esteem; not wanting to put oneself first; serving others first
2. Being overly critical; constantly beating oneself up; being harsh with self

In closing, while I have noticed these themes in my private practice and during the seminars I conduct, I will stay this: Everyone is unique and different and each person has their own story and life challenges. Who gets cancer and why, I really have no idea. I do as guided moment to moment as a channel.

Also read » 4 wonderfully simple ways to cultivate unconditional self-love

My top 3 tips to overcome these patterns are…

1. Uncover any death vows and find the healing method of choice to clear them from the root cause. My preferred method is The Journey which I have also used to clear my own cancer-related death vows

2. Releasing anger – You will have to work on consciously letting go of all the pent up anger accumulated over the years. Tantrum tapping can help you do that. The image below explains how it is done.
3. Forgiveness – First release the past hurt and pain and then forgiveness emerges automatically

The post An NLP expert talks about the possible emotional causes of cancer appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Sadhguru: There is no need to control anger. Right now are you angry? No. So why should you control something that does not exist? How can you control something that does not exist?

Anger is a certain level of unpleasantness, both for you and everyone around you. Most of the time, you suffer more than your victim. And when you get angry, you could do the most idiotic things of your life. It is definitely not an intelligent way to exist.

Being angry about something or the other comes from a strong sense of likes and dislikes. This comes from a very deep identification with a certain way of thinking and feeling, which according to you, is the best way to live, think and feel. When someone is not in line with that, you get angry with them. As your likes and dislikes and your identifications become stronger with something or the other, all that you are doing is excluding the existence. If you say, “I like this very much,” you are excluding the rest of the existence in a big way at that moment. The stronger the like or dislike becomes, the deeper the exclusion becomes. Anger overflows because you have not included someone or something as a part of yourself. The very process of liberation is to include, not exclude. In inclusion, you become liberated. The day when everything, the whole existence, is included in you, you are liberated. In exclusion you become trapped, you become separate.

You do not wish to be angry, of course, but it is happening because you are ascribing an outside source for what is happening within you, and that is not true. Just see that anger is something that you are creating. Why are you creating something that you do not want? There is only one basic cause, you are ignorant of yourself. If you knew how your system functions and how to manage this system, why would you create anger? Anger is not only damaging the external situation, it is also damaging the internal situation. People are causing enormous amounts of anger within and creating health problems for themselves. Accordingly, consequences will happen for external situations.

Channel your anger for something better

For every action that you perform, there is a consequence. You cannot avoid the consequence. When you cannot avoid the consequence, action should be controlled. They can be controlled only if a human being is controlled within himself or herself. When one is in perfect balance, only then will one perform harmonious action. Still, there are always consequences. There are enough consequences in the life process as it is, you do not have to go about creating new consequences for yourself. Especially if situations around you are rotten, is it not very important that you keep yourself in the most pleasant possible manner and see how to spread this pleasantness around you?

If your actions were coming from your intelligence, this is how you would act. If situations around you are hopeless, it is all the more important that you keep yourself as beautiful as possible and see how to make the situation happen the way you want. Whatever you are, that is what you will spread around you. If you are angry, you will spread anger. With anger, more unpleasantness will come into the situations around you.

Choose joy over anger

Anger is enormous intensity. Intensity is the only thing that man is seeking. The reason why all the thrillers, action movies, and sports events are so popular is because people want some intensity, somewhere. The only way they know how to be intense is either through physical action, or through anger, or through pain. The very reason why drugs and sex have become such big things in the world is because somehow, people want to experience some intensity at least for a few moments. Intensity releases you from many things. Anger could also release you from many things, but the problem with anger is, it is not pure intensity within you; it gets entangled with the situations around.

You may also like » My love affair with anger

It is not necessary that only your anger should propel you into action. The most intense experience you have had in your life is probably anger. That is the reason why you are sanctifying anger, because it propels you into action. Unfortunately, you have never known the intensity of joy or love. But love and compassion can also propel you into action very gently, but very wonderfully and effectively. At work and at home, would you like to live with angry people, or peaceful and joyful people? Obviously you would want to live with peaceful and joyous people. Please remember, everyone around you is expecting the same thing. Every human being around you is always expecting to live and work with people who are peaceful and joyful.

The post Here’s how to deal with your anger and rage appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Why is there anger in marriage?

Most people, both perpetrators and recipients, seem almost helpless in the face of anger and, having suffered for some time, either want relief from the caustic “feelings within” or from the results of expressed anger afflicting them. But one cannot remove something that is not understood. So, the first question to be asked is “What is anger?”

Anger is not just another emotion. It is a unique kind of emotion, because its first incarnation is as an instinctive reaction [though after its first appearance, it becomes an “invited” emotion]. Anger is not an innate part of one’s higher consciousness, because emotions are not innate—they are part of the cooperative system between the physical body and the ego-based mind. The purpose of anger is to protect the physical form from dangers.

When the mind becomes aware of something that suggests danger, it reacts, such reaction being instinctive. In other words, it is not a well thought out response, but an automatic one that is designed to shut off all thoughts and analysis, lest we are too slow to respond to the danger.

So, the first mental reaction to danger is “anger”. The mind perceives itself to be in danger when it does not get its way. So we can then say that anger is the instinctive reaction of the mind when it does not get its way.

The unregulated mind

The trouble arises when the mind, unregulated, continues to lower the thresholds of danger with each instance of perceived trouble. Because there is nobody controlling the mind, its automatic functions are not guided by human intelligence; the mind mechanically chooses for us what it considers dangerous. Because of their samskaras (values), some individuals have much lower thresholds than others while others have learned to “manage” their anger. Still others, through holy indifference or daya, have risen above their emotions. But know for certain: until we begin the arduous practice of managing our mind, our emotions will rule our lives, affecting not only ourselves but also those closest to us.

Necessity is the mother of invention, and pain is the prod to liberation. The mind, due to the innate drive to survive, is constantly reminding us that we are perfect in our wisdom—what a joke!

None of us are afraid to declare “I am not perfect”. Yet, in our day-to-day existence, we rarely admit to being wrong. Surely you can see this conundrum in your own life. Well, this defines the battle of battles within, between atman [consciousness] and maya [play of the world]. And we generally pay no heed to the signals, until we can no longer stand the “pain”. The pain caused by anger.

Steps to deal with anger in marriage

Whether you are a man or a woman, a loose cannon of anger, or guilt-ridden because of what you might have said or done due to anger, or if you are walking on eggshells because of your spouse’s anger, now you have had enough, and you are willing to do the work, to make the effort, to deal with anger. Good for you!

Now, that you understand that anger is a “force” which is not you, let’s see what you can do to control it, if you are the one who is the perpetrator. Alternately, if you are the “victim” of an angry spouse/partner, you have to know how to deal with them as well as your own anger.

If you follow these prescriptions, you will not have to fear anger ever again.

When anger arises within your mind it feels like everything has to give way to it. But that is only because you have not learned to disassociate from it, or see it objectively. Now, don’t get me wrong. This is simple, but it will not be easy, not in the beginning. But over time, your mind will bend to your will, and you will have more and more control. In order to get a good foothold, you should be hyper vigilant in the beginning of your efforts!

As soon as you feel it, stop the mind

Say to it, out loud if the situation allows (the subconscious mind is more impressionable to sound), “mind, stop, we are not in danger!” Be forceful, and do not allow the physical sensations to convince you that you “are” angry; you cannot be angry, you are atman (consciousness). Next, you can now decide whether you wish to go along with the “feelings” called anger, or turn the mind to a more positive view of what triggered you, and a more positive outward response.

Don’t think the feelings will simply disappear. Those feelings are purposeful to the animal body, and your mind has been reduced to an animal mind in this regard.

A human being has free will. You can choose, always. You can choose to ignore the sensations caused by anger. You can choose to observe the feelings as an intruder which is not you.

You do not have to manage the anger [it is stupid to try to redirect it; it will not be redirected into good]. But you have control over the actual energy that created the anger, and this is what you are redirecting by stopping the mind. This is where you have control, and should exercise it.

Some people who have struggled with rage for their whole lives have tried from time to time to control their fury, and have been foiled every time. While dealing with anger, the will is not strong enough. But those same people have had the will to stop themselves from going along with the anger. They have had enough willpower to step back and observe, allowing them the ability actually see how anger manipulates them and their lives.

The next step is to consider the possibilities

If you were a saint, how would you behave? Consider your ideas. If an idea is going to create a lovingly positive outcome, give it voice. Or, if the struggle continues in the mind then you need to back away from there and go someplace where you can concentrate on your mind, watching the inner triggers, hearing all the lame excuses for allowing the anger to manifest.

Your mind belongs to you. Unless you have damaged your willpower with drugs or alcohol, it is your free will that must rule your life.

Marriage is elegantly designed for happiness, and the phrase “marital bliss” is a reality. But you must do your part by feeding your spouse only love, and that is why we address anger in the case where your spouse is not in control of theirs.

Dealing with another’s ill-temper

If you are living with one who expresses their anger towards you, or your children, try the following.

In today’s world there is a lot of talk about standing up for yourself, and sometimes it is necessary to do so. But there is a fine line between standing up for yourself and being in someone’s face.

As an individual you have the ability to walk away from abuse, if only figuratively. That is the first step. If you are being abused, you can shift your mind to the role of the ultimate compassionate friend, who understands your spouse is himself being internally abused by anger.

Don’t show sympathy outwardly, because their mind will freak out, but feel sympathetic, and carefully allow their tantrum to dissipate, internally chanting, “I love you”, “I will remain your best friend” and so on. Very carefully avoid their triggers, and when they cool down again, act as if nothing happened.

This will take a great deal of strength on your part, but it works! You will have to deal with your own anger, your own sense of despair, or feelings of self-pity, and so forth. But so what? Is not life about growth? Is not life about discovering ultimate happiness? Is not life about learning how to love unconditionally?

The soul purpose of marriage is to learn to love unconditionally.

The post A spiritual solution for dealing with anger in marriage appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

This brings us to an important point about the meaning of forgiveness. Most people think that forgiving is about letting the perpetrator, the culprit, the wrongdoer go scot-free. Therefore, whether one can forgive or not depends on the degree of the misdeed. If the crime is grave—such as a terror attack, a murder or a rape—forgiveness is out of question. Of course, ‘degree of misdeed’ is subjective and differs from one victim to another. Still, whatever the act, the focus of forgiveness tends to always be on the offender. And that’s where the idea of forgiveness is misinterpreted.

Related » Here’s Why God Never Forgives

Forgiveness is about you, not the other

It is important to understand that you forgiving someone doesn’t absolve the person of the responsibility for the offense. In fact, forgiveness is NOT about the offender at all. It is about your own deepest feelings. The prime beneficiary of forgiveness is the one who forgives.

According to medical science, forgiving is immensely beneficial to your health—physical and emotional. The relief you feel when you finally let go of years of pent up bitterness cannot be described. When you forgive, it unlocks a tremendous amount of energy that was blocked by the negative feelings. Scores of people have reported significant transformation in all dimensions of their lives after undergoing the process of forgiveness.

Related » A 4-step guide on how to forgive someone (anyone!)

How to forgive

So how does one go about forgiving? The key to forgiveness is to separate the deed from the doer. This distinction is critical because some acts seem unforgivable—so much so that even the most large-hearted people are unable to view them kindly. But forgiveness is given to the person, not the act. And then again, it is given so that you are free from the clutches of ill-feelings you have towards that person. It’s always only about you.

The post The Prime Beneficiary of Forgiveness Is the One Who Forgives appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Are you living life through the pixilated gauze of a computer screen? Are your conversations with others conducted mostly by keyboard? Does your travel consist of looking at photographs in a magazine? Are your adventures played out vicariously on a game console? Are you more familiar with TV characters than your own neighbours?

As ingenious as technology may be, it can’t replace flesh and blood, fresh air, natural sights, sounds, smells, and physical activity. And you need that. More than you think. Constantly living one step removed from reality, you can easily lose touch with it. And fall victim to the stress, anxiety and isolation of physical detachment. You’ve got to get out more. Be with real people, see real things, and experience live events. There’s no substitute.

2. Take a tech holiday

Spend a day unplugged. No cell phones, TVs, computers, video games, DVDs, personal stereos, [and this is tough] PDAs, or other digitally fed distractions. Instead, strive to have face-to-face conversations, read books, take walks, play with the kids, visit friends, or just sit quietly and think. Find out how soothing and restorative it is to be UNconnected once in a while. And how refreshing it is to take a break from our growing dependency on these devices, which are meant to be tools, not ends in themselves. Keep technology in its proper perspective. And your humanity first and foremost.

3. Lose an argument

That’s right, lose an argument. When was the last time you looked someone squarely in the face and said, “You know, you’re right. I’m wrong. Thanks for straightening me out.” Hard to do, isn’t it? We’d sooner cling to a worthless position than admit we’re in error. But a humbling concession now and then is a great relief. Because it removes the onerous pressure of trying to defend a flawless facade. An image that fools no one. And displays weakness rather than character. [Don’t we see it every day in our politicians?] Lose an argument. Show humility. You’ll gain a lot more respect and credibility.

As ingenious as technology may be, it can’t replace flesh and blood, fresh air, natural sights, sounds, smells, and physical activity

4. Spend time near the water

Whether it’s a stroll along the river, eating lunch by a pond in the park, weekending at a scenic lake, or vacationing by the sea… the mere sight and presence of water is a wonderful balm to a stressed-out soul. Let its naturally soothing effects ease your concerns and freshen your outlook. Let its shimmering expanse free you of the narrowed perspective of a frenzied routine. If, like most people, you’re drawn to water, follow those instincts. It’s nature’s very own tranquiliser.

5. Have more fun in bed

So advised a popular mattress ad. And they had a point. You don’t need a study [like the one mentioned below] to tell you that a healthy sex life can reduce stress. As much as a lack of sex can aggravate it. But today, with our busy schedules and relentless ambitions, sex for many couples has become little more than an afterthought. Sometimes overlooked entirely. This is obviously unhealthy for the relationship. Which adds to even greater stress. Now, the study. According to the Royal Hospital in Edinburgh, a healthy sex life can make you look up to seven years younger, lead to greater contentment and help you sleep better. Why argue? Light the candle, draw the shades and…

6. Observe other people under stress

Notice how they rush things. How tense and wound up they can get. How they’re always apologising for falling behind or making mistakes. How they never seem to be in control, bouncing from one thing to the next, leaving loose ends and unfinished business in their wake. That may be YOU! Or where you’re headed.

So study people under stress and think about how they could improve their lives. [We’re always better at critiquing others, aren’t we?] Then apply that counsel to your own life. You can learn a lot about yourself simply by observing others.

Today, with our busy schedules and relentless ambitions, sex for many couples has become little more than an afterthought

7. Don’t put off that difficult phone call

You know you have to make that call. To appease an unhappy client. To confront another with a serious accusation. To solicit a donation from a skinflint. To ask someone out. To discuss a sensitive issue. To turn someone down. It’s not easy to do so. But it has to be done. The longer you wait, the harder it gets. And the more the anxiety builds. So take a breath. Bite the bullet. Make the call. You’ll feel a whole lot better when it’s done.

8. Entertaining is supposed to be fun, remember?

When you throw a dinner party or host a get-together, it’s not an audition, you’re not on trial and your guests aren’t judges and juries. Yet that’s how you might see it—something to fret about, even dread. Which, if you’re worried things won’t go well, will all but assure it. Remember, it’s not about you. It’s about inviting people into your home and making them feel welcome and comfortable. If you’re tense and unsure, that’s what they’ll pick up on. [How many times have you attended a tautly wound event and had a perfectly lousy time?] So make it fun. Be casual, gracious, spontaneous. You’ll be a hit, and so will your party.

9. Don’t be a slave to your image

How much unnecessary stress, excessive work and lost time with loved ones do you incur in the name of how you look to others? Are where you live, what you drive, how you dress, and whom you socialise with, dictated more by what’s best for you and your family… or by the image you want to project? Carefully scrutinise your motives. You may find that a simpler lifestyle within your means might leave you with less of what impresses others… but more of what makes your life easier, happier and more fulfilling.

When you throw a dinner party or host a get-together, it’s not an audition, you’re not on trial and your guests aren’t judges and juries

10. Don’t trust yourself when you’re upset

You’re furious at someone. Flustered by an embarrassing thing you did. Or upset about a serious blunder you made. In that distressed state, you’re unfocussed, distracted, likely to make costly errors and thus compound the misery you’re feeling. In those situations, it’s wise to consciously slow down and proceed with caution, as if navigating a ship through perilous waters. Even better, don’t attempt anything important or complicated until you’ve had a chance to calm and collect yourself. You can’t see clearly when you’re seeing red.

11. Turn off the music once in a while

You don’t always have to have the radio going in the house and car. The constant drone of music, talk and noise can grow monotonous, be distracting, interrupt your thought process, and become a stressful irritant you’re not even aware of. Take a break now and then. Click off the radio and see how naturally relaxing, soothing and refreshing a little quiet can be. And how peaceful it is to hear yourself think.

12. Look beyond appearances to find the good in people

How callously we judge others based solely on superficial qualities! What someone wears, how they talk, where they live, or what they drive has little to do with their underlying goodness and the emotions they feel. But in our rushed and impatient dealings—to our detriment—we hastily slot people into categories and judge them accordingly.

Think of all the people you’re intimate with today you first estimated unfairly, maybe even joked about, based on outward appearances. Imagine what you’d have lost… when you can’t get beyond stereotyping. The easiest way to accept others is to know them, to discover the person inside. You’ll find that inwardly most people share similar beliefs and aspirations. You want others to understand who you are. At least afford them the same courtesy.

Excerpted with permission from 400 Ways To Stop Stress Now by G Gaynor McTigue. Published by Jaico Books

The post A dozen sure-shot ways to dissolve stress appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

The view was breathtaking; the brilliant azure of the Arabian Sea, its vastness making the ships in the distance look like tiny boats. The cool breeze was refreshing, to the say least. I was visiting my friend Ria and her brother for lunch at her new apartment. It was a lovely setting for some amazing conversations. But the only person Ria spoke about was her ex-husband.

As we were about to start eating, as if on cue, the doorbell rang; there was a letter for her—from her ex. She ripped it open and started reading it. Her face turned red and she stormed out of the living room, booted her computer and began drafting a reply, completely unmindful of leaving us behind at the table.

Her brother went to call Ria back. I overheard their exchange. “Your friend is waiting and the food is becoming cold too.” She started screaming at him about how important writing her reply was. Through the muffled argument I heard him say, “You enjoy this, don’t you?” Immediately she shrieked, “What the hell do you mean, I enjoy this? This man has taken the last six years of my life and he continues to harass me.”

After she banged out the introduction of her reply, she returned with her brother in tow. While her brother apologised for the rude behaviour, Ria said nothing at first. She then started her usual diatribe of how her ex was mistreating her and how he said this, did that and always wanted something or the other. While I felt sorry for my friend and her predicament, all she did was talk about her ‘story’. I had seen her life change so that it revolved only around her ex—when she wasn’t writing to him or talking about him, she was thinking of ways to get back at him. And this had been going on for six years!

Feeding the anger

Something about her brother’s observation that Ria was “enjoying this” resonated with me. Because unless you enjoy something, why would you do it? Ask anyone who has had a prolonged issue with someone—property disputes between siblings, bitter divorces, estrangement between parents and children. They’ll blame the actions of their opponent—their emails, letters, phone calls, meetings—for making them feel hurt, undervalued, angry, sad, disappointed. But there’s something they won’t tell you—that they enjoy it.

People put a lot of energy into their situation not realising that by doing so they are feeding it till eventually the situation becomes their life story. Now, from the moment they wake up to the time they fall asleep [and even in their dreams], all they think about is their situation and the person who they hold responsible for it. That’s what happens when you feed anger—it becomes a part of you such that without it you begin to feel empty, incomplete.

I had my ‘story’ too

I connected with Ria’s brother’s statement because I too had my own story. As long as there are relationships, there will be conflicts and I had my share. I was the ‘victim’ in my story and so I felt I had every right to tell my story. After all, we were best friends and after what I did for her, how could she do that to me? I justified. I rationalised. I knew the hatred was eating me from the inside but it took me a while to figure how much I didn’t want to let it go. I didn’t realise just how much I enjoyed being angry at this person till I decided to forgive her.

Most of you would probably think, “Am I supposed to do nothing while someone attacks me?” Of course not! What I have discovered is that there are ways to handle hurtful situations without putting negative energy into them.

So how do you know if you are feeding your ‘situation’ or dealing with it? Here are three ways I have figured out.

You talk about it ALL the time

For a full year, I would tell people the story of how horrendous a person Simone, my former best friend, was and how she had hurt me. Then one day I realised that people were fed up of listening to my rant, so I stopped. But Simone had also had feuds with my other friends, who would whine and criticise her and I would join in. The energy from those conversations seemed to be filling something in me. I began noticing that I felt energised by the nasty, mean, negative power that arose from those exchanges.

I believe that when you talk about someone, it’s like you invite them to hang out with you. So even if they aren’t physically present, they are with you… and then you wonder why it’s hard to get rid of the situation you are in.

My friends still hate Simone, but I’ve chosen to try and not hate her. I say try because forgiveness is a constant tug-of-war that you have consciously practice; while you do learn to let go, there are still some days that you want to hold on.

How to deal with this

These are some of the things that I find work:

• Avoid starting a conversation about the person
• If anyone else starts, and if it’s negative, don’t engage
• In the event that you can say something nice, do
• Try to talk in as positive terms as possible
• If people ask you about the incident, for instance if you’ve divorced, talk about the facts rather than the kind of person they were, because that feeds the emotions.

You spend ALL your time doing work related to this

Thankfully this is not something I’ve experienced directly. But I have observed Ria’s life—her daily itinerary is blocked with lawyer meetings, writing correspondence, reading about other people’s divorce stories and visits to the therapists. There is very little else going on in her life. But the thing is, that when you want to do something, you find the time to do it, because you make the time for it.

I know of people who have their own ‘situations’ and have to spare time to attend to whatever the situation demands. But they manage to find the time to meet their friends, go for a movie or a play. They are dealing with what is happening but it’s not their sole focus.

How to deal with this

• Try and get yourself in neutral gear. When you feel anger welling up inside you because of what that person said or did, stop and ask yourself if a random person said or did those things to you, would you still feel the same way? It’s our equation with that person that blinds us.
• If it’s a legal matter like in the case of property disputes, appoint a lawyer to handle it for you.
• We unconsciously tend to channel our negative emotions, especially when the issue is an emotionally charged one. So if you need to reply, get a family member or a wise friend to write it on your behalf. They will be far more objective in their approach.
• Make the time to do other things. Time away always helps bring back peace of mind. How about going off on a short vacation?

You avoid solving the problem conclusively

Our high involvement with the situation is due to the closeness of the relationship that has soured. In all probability, you once loved this person so you struggle for their attention even now. If being in this negative space is the only way you can get it, you will continue to feed the situation instead of allowing a resolution.

How to deal with this

• Once you have decided to let go of your anger, sit down with this person and decide what the next step forward is
• When you have reached a decision, set a deadline for the outcome
• Also agree on the penalties if either of you go back on your word.

In cases of prolonged conflict people will constantly push you even if you don’t engage them. So you need to decide what to do if they go back on their word. Perhaps you may contemplate a complete ‘no-contact’ with this person. If you do make such a decision, make sure it comes from a place for forgiveness rather than fear and anger.

If you have been having a prolonged tussle with someone, may be it’s time to stop and ask yourself: Am I enjoying being angry at them? Am I attached to my story with them? Am I feeding the situation? What would my life look like without this story?

The answers could free you up—like they freed me.

 This was first published in the September 2014 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

The post Are you enjoying your anger? appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Forgiveness is not about overlooking someone else’s mistakes, it is about letting go of your own judgement about them
—Anonymous

There is a lot of talk these days about self-care. One of the best ways I’ve ever taken care of myself wasn’t by receiving a massage, getting a pedicure or buying myself flowers. No, the best way I’ve taken care of myself was by forgiving the man who took my leg from me.

Most of us have a story about how we were wronged, cheated, abused, hurt, deceived, or betrayed. There are as many stories out there as there are relationships. The exact details of how my accident happened don’t matter. What matters is that I was hit by a car when I was 17 years old. My left leg was immediately amputated and my right leg, though severely injured, was saved. And what matters is that I held on to my bitter, angry feelings toward Harvey, the man who hit me, for 15 years and that the accumulation of these harboured feelings ended up limiting my life—emotionally, physically and spiritually. What matters is that once I forgave Harvey, I felt unburdened, empowered, and free.

When I have conversations with people about my forgiveness journey, I encounter both awe and resistance. Many people ask me how I did it and in their question I hear a yearning. Not always to forgive a past wrong doing, but to at least release their own pent-up resentments. I’d like to share some comments I often receive from people who want to forgive, but don’t know how. These comments are all familiar to me—I’ve said them to myself many times over the years. Here is how I turned these comments into questions and how I answered them for myself.

“What he did to me was so horrible, he doesn’t deserve forgiveness.”

During the 15 years after the accident, whenever I thought of Harvey, forgiveness was the furthest thing from my mind. Instead, I thought about hurting him. Or I felt sorry for him because he had to live with himself after what he did to me. He was reckless and stupid and uncaring. In all those years, he never contacted me to apologise.

Whenever I was restricted from participating in activities with my friends because of the limitations imposed by my leg, or whenever my prosthetic leg caused me pain, I silently cursed Harvey. Internally, I felt like the biggest victim on the planet. I felt like I was owed something—what, I didn’t know; by whom, I didn’t know. I knew my limitations were more than just physical and for so many years I felt trapped in a tangled web of resentment, anger, and the desire for revenge. A part of me wanted to free myself from this snare.

After 13 years of trying to stuff the sadness, anger, and bitter feelings I held toward Harvey, they morphed into something else: fear. My life was ruled by fear; I became afraid to drive because I was sure I would get in another accident. Every time I was on the freeway, I imagined that car—or that car—or that car—merging into my lane and hitting me. I imagined my car exploding in flames or flipped upside down or skidding into the guardrail. I saw myself trapped in my car or bleeding from all over my body or trying to escape. I had no control over what the other drivers would do or what would happen to me. It didn’t matter how careful I was, I could still get hurt again. Sometimes I would sob uncontrollably as I drove. I didn’t know what post-traumatic stress disorder was at the time, but it was overtaking my life.

It was shortly after this that I decided to go to therapy.

Sitting in my therapist’s office was like being in a cocoon of comfort. During one of my first visits, I was explaining to her how the accident happened. I had learned to talk about ‘this moment of my life’ with practised authority. I spoke with little emotion, since I became master at hiding my feelings.

As I was explaining why it took so long for the ambulance to arrive on the scene of the accident, a siren started wailing outside my therapist’s window. My voice cracked, but I continued my narrative. My therapist gently asked me to stop talking. “Listen to that siren, Colleen,” she said, as the siren howled louder. “How does that make you feel?”

Ever since the accident, the sound of an ambulance sent my heart racing, which made me feel foolish and weak, not strong like I had convinced myself I needed to be. Sitting there with my therapist in that warm room, I allowed myself to give in to the anguish. I couldn’t respond to her, I could only sob.

This is when I knew I needed help. This is when I knew I wasn’t living into the fullness of my potential. So the real question I had to ask myself was: Who would benefit if I released these feelings and forgave? Harvey may not have deserved my forgiveness, but I certainly deserved a chance at a happier future.

I knew my limitations were more than just physical and for so many years I felt trapped in a tangled web of resentment, anger, and the desire for revenge

“I’m waiting for forgiveness to happen.”

I attended a forgiveness workshop which included a short ritual. The facilitator asked us to write down a transgression that we wanted to forgive. I took a strip of paper and I wrote down, “I want to release my anger toward Harvey.” Then we stood in a circle around a small fire and individually tossed in our paper with the intention of releasing the burden. Once the ritual was complete, the facilitator did not give us any further instructions, just the intimation that we would feel better. Instead of feeling more peaceful after the ritual, I felt empty, hollow, and just as bitter. I hoped the ritual would take away my pain. I assumed that the desire to forgive, the desire to find peace in my heart would just happen if I wanted it.

I learned that forgiveness is more than a simple ritual—it takes work. The first step on my journey of forgiveness was to declare my intention to release the vengeful feelings, to stop being so angry, and to find acceptance and peace. To that end, I had to devote time and money for my therapy and put concentrated effort into letting go of 15 years of ingrained thought patterns. The ritual of burning the strip of paper was a positive, intentional way to declare my desire to change. But watching the paper burn did not, in any way, create a change in my heart. After the paper’s ashes had blown away, it was the daily struggle and conscious decision to release and forgive that gradually forged and revealed the path. Forgiveness for me was not a passive event; I made—and continued to make—the choice to actively forgive.

When I finally asked myself the question, Who do I want to be? I realised my resentment, anger and vengefulness didn’t make me happy. And I wanted to be happy. When I asked myself, What’s the pay-off to withholding forgiveness? I had to admit to myself that I was holding on to my need to be right at the expense of my happiness. It was time for a change.

In the end, I didn’t forgive Harvey for his sake, but for mine. I learned that forgiveness is something I did for myself, not for Harvey. Forgiveness was about the relationship between me and my soul.

Forgiveness for me was not a passive event; I made—and continued to make—the choice to actively forgive

“I’m afraid that if I feel my emotions they’ll overtake me.”

Whenever I stuffed my anger or hid my sadness, I would always imagine that I was sitting on a suitcase bulging with clothes, too many in fact, to close. That’s how big my feelings were. I knew what it felt like to feel happiness, joy and love. What I came to learn was that those emotions have just as much energy as sadness, resentment and hate. And, I would argue that love is even bigger and more powerful than hate. But I was so afraid of being consumed by my negative emotions that I spent lots of energy trying not to feel them. The more control I mustered to stuff my feelings, the more out of control I felt.

My therapist helped me unpack these tangled and rumpled emotions from this suitcase of denial. And when I asked her, “How do I deal with these emotions?”she gave me tools to express them appropriately. At first, I was overwhelmed by my anger and depleted by my sadness, but with her help I connected with them more consciously and deliberately. And yes, they were big, so big that I had to ask myself, “How do I get support through this process?” I reached out to my brother and ended up staying with him for a while to keep me accountable to my responsibilities—like getting up in the morning and going to work.

Feeling the emotions was scary, but it was the beginning of releasing myself from the prison of bitterness that I had put myself in.

So my second step on this journey was unpacking my emotions. I had to take them out and find the source behind them. Until I took control of these emotions, they had control over me.

The first step on my journey of forgiveness was to declare my intention to release the vengeful feelings, to stop being so angry, and to find acceptance and peace

“I’m so angry with him. I don’t want to see it from his side.”

Our visual cortex at the back of our brain is where we process visual information; it is how we perceive the world. I offer that our heart has a visual cortex too—a tool to help us perceive the world on an emotional level. Only, instead of accessing it with our two eyes, we access our heart’s visual cortex through one of two lenses: connection or separation. The quality of our experience is determined based on which lens we use to access our heart’s visual cortex.

In my late 20s I took a class in which we explored the book A Course in Miracles. I don’t recall the exact passage in the book, but one night in class something clicked, something about the concept that we are all part of the same energy, that we all come from the same stuff. As I pondered this notion, I took it a step further and realised that it meant that I was, in essence [a very pure essence] one with the homeless man on the street asking me for money, one with the clerk at the grocery store and though I didn’t want to admit, even one with Harvey.

Harvey had never contacted me to check if I was okay. I realised that, even though I had had my day in court with Harvey two years after the accident, he had never apologised or expressed any remorse. On the night of the 15^th anniversary of the accident, a few months after I had started therapy, I was feeling depressed. With a vindictive heart, I decided I would call him and finally yell at him for ruining my life.

During our phone call that night, we talked briefly and, before I could berate him, we decided to meet each other in about a month’s time.

When we met, I was prepared to yell and scream at Harvey for what he had done to me. What I didn’t expect was that I would end up listening to him. I heard his story. I asked him to explain how the accident happened from his perspective and I heard how it had impacted his life. For years after the accident, he vacillated between nice guy and mean guy depending on whether he was reminded of the accident. His marriage didn’t survive his temperamental outbursts. He suffered from ulcers due to the stress. During those intervening 15 years, I had maintained a static image of Harvey—he was always that stupid, reckless, thoughtless 21 year old. I never thought of him as a growing, evolving being. What I saw 15 years later was a thoughtful, careful, polite man in his mid-30s.

And what I had secretly hoped for, I received: an apology.

I couldn’t have imagined that I would walk away from our four-hour encounter feeling connected to him and compassion for him. But that notion—that we are all connected—snuck back into my heart that day. I met two new people during the visit: Harvey and my compassionate self. After I returned home from our visit, I reflected on our conversation. I saw two possible paths: I could either continue blaming Harvey and being the victim—or I could choose to forgive. In order to hold anger, resentment and sometimes hate in my heart, I had to dehumanise Harvey. When I looked at the situation through the lens of connection, when I opened my heart and heard his story, I open myself to Harvey’s humanity. I chose forgiveness.

So the third step I took on the journey of forgiveness was to shift my perspective. I had to let go of my identity as a victim in order to forgive. I had to allow the story to change. How do I want to live this story? I wrote a new story for myself, the story where I don’t end up a victim because I lost my leg at the hands of an uncaring, insensitive bad guy, but I ended up a hero because I opened my heart to him.

I couldn’t have imagined that I would walk away from our four-hour encounter feeling connected to him and compassion for him

“But forgiveness needs to go both ways. And they aren’t even willing to talk to me.”

I was fortunate to have had the opportunity to meet with Harvey, hear his remorse, and receive his apology. I realise many folks don’t have the chance to have that open, caring dialogue. So what do you do then?

Learning to flex my forgiveness muscle has helped me respond to other wrong doings. There have been times in my life when I don’t have the opportunity to talk to the person who wronged me, but the single most important step I take is to try and see the situation from that person’s perspective. I’ve learned to ask the question, Why might this person have done that? Is it possible that this person didn’t mean to hurt me as much as he or she did? Sometimes I make up a story to help explain how they could have done that to me.

There are multiple studies about the physical and emotional benefits of forgiveness. On a physical level, once we forgive, we stop rehashing the wrong-doing over and over. As a result, we move out of the fight or flight mode of our reptilian brain, and our body relaxes. Our heart rate decreases, our blood pressure reduces and we stop taxing our stress hormones.

Earlier, whenever I drove past the site of the accident, my mouth used to flood with the metallic taste of shock, I broke out in a sweat, especially around the perimeter of my face and my hands became clammy. My breathing became shallow and it felt like there was a rock in my throat. Through therapy I learned what triggered these physical signs of stress.

Even though I have made peace with Harvey, I still get triggered, although now I have an understanding of what’s happening to my body. Now I know how to breathe through the stress. Now I know how to calm myself down.

On an emotional level, resentment and anger separates us, not just from our perpetrator, but from our loved ones as well. Because it’s not possible to be both hateful and loving.

After my accident, when my boyfriend and I took walks, I often spiralled out of control. The pain in my prosthetic leg triggered my anger. My anger triggered my resentment, which in turn triggered my desire for revenge. Without thinking, I would start yelling at my innocent boyfriend with the same intensity that I had fantasised using toward Harvey. Without wanting to, I was creating a divide between my boyfriend and myself.

After I forgave Harvey, my anger dissipated and my resentment dissolved. I stopped flying off the handle and hurting the people I loved.

Forgiveness is good for the spirit. Anger slams the door against the heart. When we open our hearts to love, there is no room for hate. Forgiveness is love‘s way in. The idea is to get our blood simmering with love, not boiling with anger.

My bitter feelings toward Harvey were at first intended to shield my heart from the pain of what happened to me. When I let them remain unresolved for 15 years, I allowed them to grow from a shield into a prison; I was locked in a heart that was hardened by resentment.

When I forgave Harvey, I accessed a compassionate part of myself that I hadn’t known before. I suddenly felt bigger than my anger—and more powerful. I felt freedom. My spirit felt expanded; I felt even more connected to everyone around me.

“I really want to forgive, but I can’t find the path.”

When I understood how holding onto my grudges kept me in the victim mentality, my grudges seemed less important. When I realised that I didn’t have to forgive Harvey, forgiveness became more of an option. Victims don’t have much control. Making the choice to forgive is how I reclaimed control of my emotions and control of my future.

I asked myself the question, How do I want to move forward with my life?

The answer was clear. Forgiveness was my way of taking care of myself—body, mind and spirit.

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