The recipe here combines antioxidant rich purple cabbage, beta carotene rich carrots, and mustard greens. Substitute any common leafy greens available locally like drumstick greens or amaranth leaves.

Millet Chickpea Egg-free Croquettes Recipe

Ingredients

• ½ cup cooked pearl millet
• ½ cup cooked chickpeas
• 3 to 4 slices of whole wheat bread
• ½ cup finely chopped or grated veggies like purple cabbage, carrots, spinach/mustard greens/amaranth leaves, mint leaves
• 1 tsp chilli powder
• Salt to taste
• Vegetable oil for deep frying

Preparation method for millet chickpea egg-free croquettes

1. Mash the cooked chickpeas and millet, and combine it with chopped veggies, chilli powder, salt, and knead to make thick dough
2. Wet the bread slices in water and squeeze out excess water, and knead it into the dough till well incorporated
3. Shape the dough and deep fry in medium hot oil till crisp on the outside and done on the inside
4. Serve warm with homemade cilantro mint chutney and tomato chilli chutney.

This recipe was first published in the June 2016 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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Quinoa can be cooked much like rice either in a rice cooker or on stove-top. Per measure of uncooked quinoa, add two measures of liquid [water or vegetable broth] and cook till tender on stove-top. In rice cooker, equal measures of uncooked quinoa and water yields a fluffy, non-clumpy texture.

Any favourite combination of vegetables can be tossed in, like carrots, cabbage, cauliflower, green beans, to boost the upma.

Ingredients

• 2 cups cooked quinoa
• ¼ cup steamed corn kernels
• ¼ cup cooked black beans
• ¼ cup diced red and green bell peppers
• ¼ cup diced celery
• ¼ cup finely diced onions
• 2 tbsp grated ginger
• ½ tsp turmeric powder
• 2 tbsp vegetable oil
• ½ tsp black mustard seeds
• Salt to taste

Preparation method

1. Heat the oil in a pan and add the mustard seeds and allow them to pop
2. Then add the onions, celery, ginger, and bell peppers, with a sprinkling of salt and turmeric powder, and sauté for a few minutes
3. Add the cooked corn kernels and black beans and sauté two minutes
4. Stir in the cooked quinoa and add salt to taste
5. Garnish with cilantro/coriander/mint leaves and serve warm.

The post Quinoa Upma: Protein+fibre rich breakfast appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

[Note: Ovens and flours vary, and altitude can affect the baking.] Instead of beets and zucchini, grated apples and carrots can be used.

Ingredients

• 1 ½ cups all purpose flour
• ¼ cup flax meal
• 1 tsp baking soda
• 1 cup brown sugar
• ¼ cup grated raw beets
• ¼ cup grated raw zucchini
• 1 ½ cups squishy mashed bananas
• ½ cup canola oil or vegetable oil
• 2 tsp vanilla essence

Preparation method

1. Preheat the oven to 375°F
2. Combine the bottom six ingredients in a bowl and stir into a wet mixture, keep aside
3. Combine the first three dry ingredients in a separate bowl, sifting the flour first, stir well
4. To the wet ingredients mixture, add in the dry ingredients mixture; stir gently to form a smooth batter
5. Grease a loaf pan, pour the batter, and cover with aluminium foil
6. Bake in 375°F oven for about an hour till a toothpick inserted in the centre comes out clean
7. Remove from oven, allow to rest a few minutes and cool on a wire rack before slicing and serving.

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“Stories are a communal currency of humanity.”
—Tahir Shah, In Arabian Nights

From the earliest times, humans have endeavoured to explain what they see around them using innovative and fanciful ideas, delicately blending reality with the mysterious. Creation stories and myths abound in cultural and ethnic groups around the world, many of which are kept alive and passed down via oral storytelling tradition. It is not inconceivable that cavemen and cavewomen gathered around a cave-fire to pass on their interpretation of the colourful rainbow they beheld in the sky.

Why is storytelling important?

“Grandma, tell me a story, please?” is not only a sweet invitation for intergenerational bonding, but also a powerful channel for communicating cultural traditions, values and beliefs. Oral storytelling establishes a strong connection between the teller and the listener. In addition to the physical proximity of the storyteller and the audience, there is an unwritten contract that promises not just to entertain, but to educate and inspire as well.

Benefits of oral storytelling

Feeding children pre-packaged nuggets about their culture, history and customs, especially in formal settings like classrooms, or via passive media like television, leaves out the intimacy and personal connection that storytelling offers.

Through stories, children identify the commonality and differences in humans around the world

Here are some tangible benefits of storytelling, the good old way:

Hone communication and language skills

Children are born sponges, ready to absorb information and expand their minds. Children recognise the rhythms and tones of a storyteller’s words, even if they don’t have an extensive lexicon yet to understand the nuances of the language. Through the context of the story, they are able to infer the meaning of the words, thereby increasing their vocabulary in a relevant and lasting way. This allows them to get comfortable with oral communication, which is the first step towards telling their own stories in an effective way.

Feed creativity and imagination

Children create mental images of the story’s characters and events and this allows them to respond with a giggle or a gasp, a smile or a frown, as the story evolves. By hearing the words, children manage to enter another world willingly; a world that only their minds can create. Their capacity for visualising a movie in their minds is an essential tool for honing reading skills.

Explore various cultures and instil values

Through stories, children identify the commonality and differences in humans around the world. Stories set in different places can bring in the flavours of food, language and even clothes and customs of that region that allows children to consider and accept new ideas. Even before they know words like benevolence, bravery, beauty, envy, malice or trickery they inherently perceive these qualities and make an assessment of what appeals to them and what is acceptable in their society.

Deal with emotional issues

Death, violence and abuse are unfortunate realities of our world. Through well-chosen stories, we can help children understand and cope with such events and possibly make the endings hopeful and transformative. This kind of storytelling can even be therapeutic.

Take a favourite old story and re-interpret it—add a twist to the ending or narrate it from a different perspective

Here’s how to tell stories

Now that we are charged up to revive storytelling, how can we go about it in everyday life?

When I was little…

Children can’t resist stories about their parents, particularly parents’ childhood, and especially incidents where parents appear naughty or silly. When you share your own childhood fears, failures and adventures through stories, kids can feel safe to explore their own insecurities, worries, and joys.

When you were little…

Thanks to the digital age, there is no dearth of photos and videos of your children. Look at baby videos together and watch it un-reel a series of comic episodes filled with story opportunities. Why am I giggling so much in the video, Ma? Why did I jump on the big pile of leaves, Papa? Your answers to such simple queries will help children see themselves through your eyes and know what you think is special. And, you will also see life as a precious story unfolding each day with new promise.

You are my superhero…

When real-life stories seem tame, why not create a superhero out of your child? Ask them what their super powers are [they know!] and weave a story around them. Bring in their school experiences and hobbies and friends. Put them in a situation where they get to decide which path the story takes and revel in their values and motivations.

The “true” story of…

We all have read the Panchatantra tales and Aesop’s Fables, but do we know the “true” story of The Blue Jackal or The Tortoise and the Hare? Take a favourite old story and re-interpret it—add a twist to the ending or narrate it from a different perspective. Maybe even mash-up two popular stories to liven things up. The values you bundle into these stories will serve as a compass for children to assess their own.

Where we come from…

Tell your kids some anecdotes about your ancestral village or home if any—where their great-grandparents came from and what they did for a living. If you have a family heirloom, share the story of how it came into the family. If there is no such heirloom available, share a story about an object that was special to the family in the past. Even everyday objects from the previous generation have their own stories to tell—some funny, some quirky, and some even heart-warming.

Folk tales, fairy tales and mythology…

In all the novelty, don’t forget the time-tested folk tales and fairy tales and stories from mythology that are at risk of extinction. Keep them alive by kindling an interest in trickster tales, pourquoi tales and the rich mythological stories of your cultural roots.

Savour children’s books…

Last but not the least, there is a wide selection of well-written, well-illustrated children’s books for those of us who feel inhibited by our lack of storytelling abilities. The familiarity of reading the same story and poring over the amazing pictures can be a soothing bedtime ritual on days that we run out of steam and want to just shut down. Plus, there are so many books out there today that children can’t possibly read them all in one childhood. As they say, there is a book for every reader, and a reader for every book. Find out what excites your child and bring those books home to nurture the habit of reading.

As the words drape the children—words that enchant, instruct, pack wisdom and promise—there is a definite stirring of their imagination and intellect. While grandma weaves stories in the air and into their minds, children gain self-worth and understanding that is ambitious to duplicate in any other setting.

The post How the story-telling ritual helps your child’s development appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

How do children know they are loved? Infants may not know the esoteric underpinnings, but if their survival needs are met, their sense of security is strong, which helps them thrive as they develop. As toddlers, children implicitly trust their parents, relying on them for comfort and safety, testing their newfound independence and yet revelling in the bonds of affection. Preschool through teenage years, children grow so rapidly that love is the one constant factor that can support and sustain their explosion of development. Every child knows love instinctively and can recognise its many manifestations.

Why say “I love you”?

Parents may wonder, Why tell my children that I love them? Don’t they know it already? Isn’t it understood? What is the point of saying it every day? The simple answer is Why not? However, delving deeper into the Why of it, there are at least five good reasons:

Trust

As children grow, they need someone to trust, someone to turn to for guidance, someone who won’t criticise or ridicule them. When you tell your kids you love them, they know that they can trust you implicitly. They realise that no matter what, their parents believe in them and have their best interests at heart, and will not abandon them. This provides a safety net as they navigate the complexities of this world.

Courage

A strong foundation helps children take risks and venture out into the world to be their best. And courage is at the root of it all. When we love our children with no strings attached, we also give them courage to make mistakes, and fail but still find the strength to try again because they become fearless when enveloped in love.

Confidence

As a rite of passage, teenagers struggle with questions of likeability. Is their worth tied to their looks? Their accomplishments? Or their uniqueness? Should they try to please their peers in order to be likeable? Are they valuable human beings simply for who they are and the values they hold high and live by? While love may not cast out self-doubt entirely, it instils confidence and self-reliance that can carry a child through these difficult periods of development.

Reciprocation

In a world driven by an attitude of ‘What can others do for me’, love encourages the ‘What can I do for you’ attitude. A child who has received unconditional love learns to reciprocate in kind.

Communication

Mutual love lets us speak our minds with no fear of judgement or consequences. A child who feels loved also learns to communicate with due respect. And communication is the key to any successful relationship.

More than mere words

On the other hand, just mechanically saying the words, “I love you” does not accomplish much. And potentially, those words may not mean much to a child who hears it too often and therefore ceases to pay attention to it.

Rather than focussing on just saying the words, it is important to communicate in a way that is meaningful to the child. The expression of love that deeply connects a parent with their child is unique to their relationship. One child revels in physical affirmations like hugs, cuddles and kisses; another might prefer quality time playing games or completing a project together. While one child feels overwhelming love via special actions that parents do for them, like taking them to a favourite park or cooking a favourite meal, another might blossom under repeated words of affection—not idle praise, but true words of appreciation and acknowledgement.

The best way to convey the “I love you” message to your child is to know which of these several ways of expressions resonates with them the most. Ask them who loves them, and why they think so. This will give an insight into what form of interchange the child responds to when it comes to love. The language of love translates to the intangible bond of affection that the child recognises and appreciates. Once your child becomes aware of the various things you are doing to show your love, s/he will start to feel it and delight in it.

Some ways you can convey your love

• Pack your child’s favourite lunch as a surprise and add a little note or a poem in the lunch bag
• Put away all electronic devices and other distractions and focus on having a conversation with your child about their school day
• Cuddle on the sofa and read their favourite book
• Go to a cricket match or concert to enjoy an afternoon together while you accumulate memories
• Offer words of acknowledgement and appreciation with no conditions attached.

Learning to speak the language of love that your child understands is a skill that is essential for establishing a positive relationship that flourishes over time.

It is especially difficult to communicate your love when your child is misbehaving or attracting negative attention. By separating the behaviour from the fact that your child has your unconditional love, it is easier to set the expectations for appropriate behaviour.

Even if the no-frills verbal “I love you” does not feel natural or easy for you, it is still worth the effort to identify when such an expression of love is best received, and in what mode and manner. With practice, we can get over our own discomfort and arrive at the most comfortable way to express our love. By declaring each and every day that we love our children, we keep the attachment strong and, at the same time, reassure and nurture our children to flex their wings and fly.

The post How to make your children know that they are loved appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Ingredients

• 1 large eggplant
• Some oil for coating the eggplant
• Feta and cream cheese, as per your preference
• 1 large onion, finely chopped
• 1 bell pepper, finely chopped
• 1 small carrot, grates
• 7- 8 olives, chopped
• Salt as you like

Eggplant slices

• Slice the aubergines uniformly thin, brush with oil, sprinkle some salt and arrange in a roasting pan.
• Bake for about 12 – 15 minutes in a 425°F oven till soft and cooked but not falling apart.

Filling

• I’ve used a mix of feta, cream cheese, finely chopped onions, finely chopped bell pepper, grated carrots and chopped olives.
• Combine all the ingredients and stir well till the consistency is so fine that you can spread it.

Assembly

• Lay a slice of baked aubergine on a plate.
• Place a layer of lettuce leaves over it.
• Spread some of the filling mixture. And roll up the aubergine slice.
• Seal the end with some of the cream cheese filling. You may use a toothpick to ensure that the rolls don’t open up.

Serve with Tahini yoghurt dressing.

The post These feta stuffed eggplant rolls are simply mmm… appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Thinly sliced, spiced and shallow fried eggplant is mostly savoured as a side dish with some rice and curry or lentils.

Ingredients

• 1 small globe eggplant, sliced thin
• Canola oil for shallow pan frying
• ½ cup buttermilk

Crumb coating

• ¼ cup almonds
• 3 tbsp flax meal
• ¼ cup TVP [Textured Vegetable Protein]
• 10 fresh mint leaves
• 1 tbsp smoked paprika
• Salt to taste

Dusting

½ cup brown rice flour [or more as needed] in a large flat plate

Preparation method

1. Salt the eggplant slices, allow them to sweat on a towel, rinse and pat dry.
2. Combine the ingredients for the crumb coating and grind them to a fine powder.
3. Heat a tablespoon of oil in a cast iron skillet.
4. Dust each eggplant slice in flour, dip in buttermilk and then press down on the crumb coating till a layer adheres.
5. Shallow, pan-fry the slices in a bit of oil, one or two at a time, flipping to cook both sides, till the crumb crisps up and eggplant is cooked.
6. Serve warm with mint-fennel pesto or tangy Tuscan dressing or basil-garlic tomato sauce.

This recipe was first published in the September 2014 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

The post This crispy pan-fried brinjal makes the perfect side-dish appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

But for those of us who do go back to working, whether as a full-time career mom, a part-time mom, or a work-from-home mom, we’re all looking for that elusive balance that lets us feel fulfilled in our roles, without leaving us frazzled and spent.

Here are some thoughts to consider as you straddle both worlds.

1. Evaluate objectively

Is the job of a full-time, stay-at-home mom without pay a viable option for you? After considering the alternatives, if working outside home is the only logical path at this time, then weigh the benefits and costs in detail. Is that what you want? Have you checked with your employer about flexibility of work schedules, or perhaps even going part-time? Having your own money, taking your dream vacation, advancing in your career, versus, paying for a crèche, extra responsibility, less time with your baby are just a few of the things you need to consider. If the pros outweigh the cons, you are better equipped to face the challenges that come with this decision.

2. Reliable childcare

Although dads are actively parenting these days, mothers see themselves as the primary caregivers. Be it because of societal pressures or biological instinct, it is a worldwide phenomenon that moms feel the most affected by this initial separation from their new baby. If parents or other trusted family members are able and available to look after the baby, it can prove to be the ideal solution. But, in contemporary society family support is not easily available. This is where certified childcare centres come in; if there is one near your work or home, or on your commute route, vet them thoroughly. Visit the premises and ask if they have CCTV feeds or other forms of all-day access to your child so that they are transparent about their care-giving procedures. If leaving your baby in a strange environment outside home does not appeal to you, consider legitimate au pair, babysitter or nanny services. Word of mouth recommendations go a long way in this field.

3. Dry run

Get into your new routine a few days before, rather than waiting till the first day of returning to work. Rehearse the babysitting arrangement. Drop your child off at the nursery and stay away all day, just as you would on a regular work day. It is better to deal with the emotional turmoil that comes with this step now, than on the first day at work. If you’d prefer to have a nanny, leave your baby in her care and be away for a few hours. Start the separation process slowly by stepping away during naptimes so you feel less stressed, knowing that your baby doesn’t realise your absence. Get a sense of how much time you will have to spend with your baby before and after work, and try to make it count by earnestly doing what matters most for you and your family. Lay down some foundations for the division of parental responsibilities. Who is in charge if the baby wakes up late at night? Who gets diaper duty? Who takes time off to take the baby to the paediatrician? Whatever you agree on, as long as it works for both parents, it is the right arrangement.

4. Time management

Make your weekly ‘to-do’ lists short and relevant. Prioritise tasks: doctor appointments, bills to pay, grocery shopping, and quality time with your baby may take precedence over attending birthday parties or spending time on social media. Resist over-committing and let other non-essential things slide. If you are the main meal-maker at home, then plan a weekly menu. Find ways to make your everyday tasks efficient and streamlined. After tucking in your baby for the night, spend a few minutes preparing for the next day—whether it is packing leftovers in your lunchbox or laying out your work outfit, or gathering the baby’s things for the next day.

5. Long-term view

So you are not making baby food but getting a jar of baby food this week; so you are with your baby only 15 hours a day, instead of 24×7; do you feel that it might reflect badly on your maternal standing? Consider who you are trying to please. If it is not yourself, and you are worried about what others will think, it is the wrong approach. When your baby is a beaming teenager, will they mind that you did not make mushy foods from scratch when they were infants? Or that the house was not immaculately clean? Or that you sought some assistance in keeping them safe and happy till they could go to school? Not really. What they will know and appreciate is that you were there for them when they needed you, and that you were working hard and doing all you could to give them that one degree of advantage that will make a difference in the long run. Firmly establishing your long term goals will let you gauge the everyday demands.

6. Get past the guilt

Parenting styles have changed over the years to meet the needs of a new generation. The world we are living in is very different from the one our parents and grandparents grew up in. The consciousness now is higher, thereby making the issues more complex. Whether it is not being with your baby but at a desk job, or being exhausted from a tough day at work, or being cranky because you are sleep-deprived—guilt can nag a new mother. Fight the rising guilt! Refuse to feed it. You are committed to giving your attention, care, and love, freely and happily to your baby and your family. And that is what matters in the end.

7. Reject perfection

Do not confuse perfectionism with self-improvement. Perfectionism is about gaining approval from others, whereas self-improvement lets you introspect and audit each situation for its merits and limitations, and allows you to do what seems fit, what makes you feel better. Know that mess is okay. You don’t have to judge yourself on your housekeeping skills or your cooking prowess, and neither should anybody else. Learn to laugh at the ridiculous expectations placed on you by others or by yourself. Adopt the popular attitude that ‘My house is clean enough to be healthy, and messy enough to be happy.’ Laundry can pile up, unwashed dishes can wait. Resist the urge to be an impeccably dressed and charmingly witty super-mom who attends to her baby’s every need with a smile. Tempting as it may be, to project an image of having-it-all-together when you don’t is not only tiresome but also detrimental to your sanity.

8. Schedule ‘Me’ time

Maybe ‘me’ time for you is during your commute to/from work. Alternate the evenings with your spouse to get the baby settled in for the night; and use that extra time to pursue a hobby, take a bubble bath or treat yourself to a movie. You won’t prove anything by taking on the full duty of caring for your baby every moment of day. There is a reason why airplane safety instructions say apply the oxygen mask to yourself first before you help your child. Even setting aside 30 minutes a day to do whatever the mood calls for, gives you the oxygen to restore yourself. Make time for exercise! Remember to eat healthy and get enough rest.

9. Advantages of social media

Mothers all over the world are living through similar struggles and many are sharing their insights via blogs and social media, as well as dedicated mothers’ groups. Seek out like-minded moms and connect with their shared experience. With the isolation that comes with present-day lifestyle, we are that much more anxious about tarnishing our kids’ lives and psyches. We tend to over-protect our kids and be extremely harsh on ourselves. One thing that makes it easier is peer support from the global village. Thanks to the technological advances of our century, we can forge a bond with strangers halfway across the world, who are willing to pipe up and say ‘I feel the same way you do!’ and are able to provide the wisdom and collective knowledge of this sorority.

Some days you are a better employee and not so much an ideal mom; some days you are an energetic mum but not so much a fantastic friend; some days you go for a foot-massage and leave the meal-making to your spouse; and some days you are more than happy to just cuddle with your baby all day. Knowing that we cannot live up to being everywhere and doing everything is the first step to recognising that we are in control of defining what balance means to us.

Work-baby balance is a dynamic entity. There is no such thing as perfect balance. There are work-life choices we make, which come with their own consequences. When you realise that you are not required to have super powers and do it all, you will be able to decide where you want to expend your energy most effectively and happily. Ultimately, as long as you are happy, your family is happy. When you are doing the best you can, and you are at peace with your chosen course—that’s balance.

This was first published in the October 2014 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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Published by: Little, Brown and Company [December 22, 2015]

ISBN: 978-1409156024

Pages: 352

Price: INR 415

Haven’t we all been in situations where we were expected to present our strongest and most confident self—like a job interview, or a business presentation, or a competitive athletic event? These very moments that demand your best also cause anxiety and self-doubt, making you feel powerless, often leading you to walk away with regret, wishing you could have done better.

In Presence, Harvard Business School professor Amy Cuddy expands on her popular TED talk about adopting confident body postures, or “power poses”, to bring your best self to social and professional situations.

Instead of just a collection of poses to practise in front of a mirror, the author takes us on a journey to learn to nurture our authentic selves and to overcome the damage that Impostor Syndrome inflicts on us. She also offers some practical approaches to take control of the challenging situations we might find ourselves in. The book collects real-life anecdotes from everyday folks who have surmounted difficult situations by being present and by practising the power postures that worked for them.

What is “Presence”? We’ve all read about mindfulness, being present in the moment, bringing our authentic selves to every situation, but the author gives a simple yet accessible definition: “Presence, as I mean it throughout these pages, is the state of feeling connected with our own thoughts, values, abilities and emotions, so that we can better connect with the thoughts, values, abilities and emotions of others.”

In other words, if we can train our speech and nonverbal behaviour to be in tune with our beliefs, abilities and values, we can achieve a synchronised inner state that can then reflect outwards.

Referring to psychologist William James’ body-mind theory of emotions, the author shares an assertion that struck the deepest nerve with her: “I don’t sing because I’m happy; I’m happy because I sing.” This eye-opening idea, attributed to James back in late 1800s, asserts that bodily experiences cause emotions, not the other way around. This is the basis for proposing that physical power poses can, in fact, alter the emotional state.

A research study shared in the book states that by adopting behaviours that emulate power and strength, the testosterone levels increase while the cortisol levels decrease, priming our mind for potential success. Much like “Fake it till you make it” principle, once you start practising expansive “power poses”, the biochemistry can help transform the fear and anxiety to excitement and intensity that helps us navigate the tough situation with confidence.

A few of the poses shared in the book might seem frivolous at first glance—like, the Wonder Woman pose with arms at the hips and legs planted firmly apart—but, by expanding our body laterally [and/or vertically] we give ourselves power to be there, to occupy that space and own it, much like dominance display in animal kingdom.

Postures such as slouching and hunching, sitting with arms wrapped around the body or placed on lap make us look small and thus feel subordinate—as if we don’t belong in that space, in that moment. However, the author is quick to point out how certain poses might be offensive in other cultures and cautions us to use it for our own self affirmation rather than to project superiority.

While talking about personal power, the author shares the disturbing results from a study done with kids aged four to six that reveals a strong male-power gender bias. She challenges us to change it by changing the stereotypes that our kids are exposed to. Powerful poses are not exclusively masculine, and powerless postures are not necessarily feminine—we are not encouraging women to be men with such power poses. Adopting a triumphant posture is not about competing with others but to accept one’s own strength and personal power in a given situation.

When we focus less on how others might be judging us and more on fully inhabiting the moment—feeling neither threatened or dominant—we are thoughtfully engaging with the present, and therefore we experience personal power.

The author points out that presence is not a continual state of being but a moment-to-moment experience which we can tweak through body language, behaviour and mind-set. The ideal effect of presence in a challenging situation, as the author puts it, is to execute your role with comfortable confidence and synchrony, and walk away with a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment, regardless of the measurable outcome. That is true personal power.

The post Presence: Bringing your Boldest Self to your Biggest Challenges By Amy Cuddy appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Published by: Vermilion

ISBN: 9780091955038

Pages: 288

Price: INR 599

The book’s cover states, “The physics of vulnerability is simple: if we are brave enough, often enough, we will fall. Being brave and falling helps us grow and changes us for the better.”

Social scientist and best-selling author Dr Brené Brown has spent several years studying vulnerability, courage, authenticity and shame. While her previous two books are a “call to arms” to wholehearted living, this third book is all about acknowledging the desperation, the shame, and the vulnerability that comes along with failure, and rising up to own our story.

When Dr Brown talks about failure, it is not just in some large-scale professional endeavour, but also the personal heartbreaks and catastrophes in our lives. She addresses the complex nature of failure, reminding us that we tend to “gold-plate” failure and grit, sugar-coating the process and the pain involved in falling and in deciding to rise again. The book is not about the tired cliché of failure being the stepping stone to success.

Rising strong from our failures involves a three-step process:

1.  The Reckoning: Walking into our story and recognising that a button has been pushed and that we are about to explode with negative or undesirable emotion.
2. The Rumble: Owning our story by being honest about what we tell ourselves, by admitting our deeper emotions of shame, guilt, blame, and being willing to revisit and challenge these self-narratives to arrive at the truth of who we are and how we engage with others.
3. The Revolution: Writing a new ending and changing how we engage with the world on a permanent basis.

Of these three steps, the Rumble is the messiest: the place of the greatest struggle, and, a non-negotiable part of the process—to become aware of the story we’re telling ourselves about our hurt, anger, frustration or pain. In an effort to come out smelling of roses, we tend to glorify our recovery and the redemptive ending while casting off the emotional darkness that engulfs us when we are down, face-in-the-dirt, struggling.

The book suggests that we write down our raw emotions and feelings at this stage of rumbling—what is called the SFD [“shitty first draft”, as per the author]—without filtering the experience or worrying about how our story makes us look. Then we examine our self-defeating assumptions by asking:

• What do I know objectively?
• What more do I need to learn and understand about the other people in the story?
• What more do I need to learn and understand about myself?

Now we can look for the delta—or space—between the story we make up and a more objective truth.

“Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage.”

As with the previous two books, Rising Strong is rich with anecdotes from Dr Brown’s own life. Early in the book, she shares a story about a tough moment that surprised her while swimming across a lake with her husband during a family vacation. Her self-doubt, emotional reaction, anger and pain will resonate well with readers who have had a similar experience. Instead of painting herself into perfection, Dr Brown tears apart that experience to seek the truth about her story and learn to own it, and thereby engage from a place of understanding and compassion.

“We can choose courage or we can choose comfort, but we can’t have both. Not at the same time.”

Our thoughts, actions and feelings are like a three-legged stool, each equally important to make a positive change in our lives. Positive thoughts combined with negative feelings will not lead to positive actions. Off-loading, bouncing, or numbing our hurts, or even stockpiling or bottling them up, or simply denying them, is not the way to deal with our deep dark pain.

Borrowing from Newton’s Third Law of Motion, Dr Brown proposes that for every emotion we feel, there is a definite response elicited in us. When angry, we can mindlessly lash out or we can be aware of what we’re really feeling and adjust how we respond. We learn that to be vulnerable and resilient is the best way to engage with the world so as not to be paralysed by fear of failure or hide behind the veil of perfectionism.

This was first published in the February 2016 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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