Increasingly, our society has been egging us on to focus upon ourselves—our goals, our dreams, our ambitions. While earlier, people were brought up to think of their family first, today’s children grow up on generous doses of ambition and competition.

Increasingly, the ‘We’ is getting replaced with the ‘I’. An unforeseen casualty of this shift of focus on oneself is the institution of family as we knew it. In our search for our identity, we have lost touch with that part of ourselves that needs to connect to others.

We have become so self-centered that we often see only our needs and expectations, and fail to realize that these are intricately tied up with the needs and expectations of others in the family.

Mala and Rakesh — A Case in Point

Within two years of marriage, Mala and Rakesh found themselves sitting in front of a marriage counselor, making a last-ditch attempt to save their marriage. Their relationship had started floundering after just three months of their marriage.

Rakesh found it hard to accept that Mala disliked cooking, wanted to eat out every weekend, and was not really passionate about keeping a good house. Mala, on the other hand, felt ‘suffocated’ by Rakesh’s ‘old-fashioned’ expectations, despite the fact that she herself was a working professional.

They both found it hard to tolerate each other’s shortcomings, and these seemed to become greater and greater with every argument they had.

Importance of Tolerance in Family Relationships

So what’s the big deal about tolerance? To answer that question, it is important to understand what tolerance means in the context of the family.

In simple terms, tolerance means acceptance—of the unique personality of every family member; of the differences between them; of their quirky, whimsical, idiosyncratic likes and dislikes. Most importantly, tolerance means acceptance of every family member as he or she is.

How lack of tolerance affect relationships

Let us look at how lack of tolerance can impact our relationships:

1. Impatience towards another’s flaws

Intolerance makes you impatient toward the flaws of your family members. Rima couldn’t deal with her son Deepak’s poor academic performance, and this made her impatient and irritable towards him. She criticized his study habits and his intellectual capabilities all the time.

2. Inability to understand differences in members

Often, tolerance is created by lack of knowledge. Whatever is known and familiar to us becomes good, and whatever is different creates a sense of disharmony.

Shilpa’s son fell in love with, and got married to, a girl from another community. While her new daughter-in-law Juhi made every attempt to establish a relationship with her, Shilpa found it hard to relate to a jeans-clad, fashionable and modern girl who barely knew what a kitchen looked like.

3. Lack of openness to differing perspectives

Increasingly, individuals today feel that their ideas, opinions and approaches are correct and those of others are not.

Deepa could not tolerate her daughter-in-law’s cooking because, coming from a different community, her cooking style was different—or in Deepa’s eyes, completely ‘wrong’.

4. Build-up of conflict and tension in relationships

With intolerance, people feel misunderstood and not accepted in the relationship, and this creates a feeling of resentment and negativity, which, in turn, results in frequent conflicts.

In the above example, Deepa criticized her daughter-in-law Trupti, who retaliated. To this, Deepa criticized some more and the argument escalated.

5. Breakdown in communication

Gradually, over a period of time, communication channels start breaking down, resulting in the erosion of the very foundation of the family structure.

Nancy’s decision to make modelling her career alienated her from her mother, who was highly conservative. After daily arguments, tears and recriminations, it came to a point where Nancy felt it was too much to take any more, and soon, there was no sharing or discussion between mother and daughter. The only communication was in the form of criticism and counter-criticism. Eventually, Nancy moved out of the house.

Related » Why You Should Never Suppress Your Emotions + 6 Effective Strategies for Emotional Release

Should We Tolerate Bad Behaviors of Family Members?

OK, so we have made a case for tolerance. Does that mean a wife should allow her husband to come home drunk and abuse their kids every night? Or does it mean that you give your children the message that it’s okay to fail in their exams?

Does tolerance mean you agree to do everything your mother-in-law tells you to do? No! Tolerance is not equal to submission. Nor does tolerance mean that you put up with unacceptable behaviors of your family members.

However, what it does mean is that we try to understand these behaviors in the context of their personalities and experience, and then help them see your point of view. Tolerance means being able to discuss irritating habits and behaviors in a calm and patient manner, such that a solution or compromise can eventually be worked out.

Tips to Increase Tolerance Towards Your Family

Following are some tips that will help increase your tolerance:

1. Celebrate differences

Each of us is wired differently, and respond to situations in a different manner. The moment you understand this, you will not only learn to tolerate certain behaviors of your family members, you will be able to appreciate the uniqueness they add to the family.

2. Put yourself in their shoes

When you find yourself losing patience with any of your family members, it will be helpful to put yourself in their shoes and view the situation the way it appears to them. You will be surprised at the difference in perspective. While you may still find the particular behavior irritating, you will at least understand where it is stemming from.

3. Acknowledge your weaknesses

Take some time out to think about your shortcomings and flaws. This will give you a chance to appreciate the tolerance that others in the family demonstrate towards you. After all, it works both ways; if you have to adjust and accept certain things, so do others in the family.

4. Visualize your life without family

When your patience in running thin, try and imagine a scenario where you are completely by yourself, with none of your family members around you. how does that make you feel? For all your irritation and impatience, ask yourself whether you would be happier without your nagging wife or your demanding daughter. Your answer might surprise you.

5. Reduce your stress levels

Poor tolerance often stems from being overworked and stressed. Find ways and means to de-stress yourself from time to time. This can be done by engaging in a hobby, working out, meditating, meeting up with friends…. anything that helps you loosen up mentally and physically.

6. Bond with your family

Besides building tolerance, bonding with family can go a long way in helping you stay together as a unit, especially in difficult situations. So go out on weekends, play board games, watch a movie together, play with your kids… anything that the family as a whole enjoys.

7. Communicate

One of the best ways to increase tolerance is to communicate your thoughts with your family members in a non-critical manner, and invite them to share theirs. As discussed above, intolerance often stems from lack of knowledge or understanding.

If you communicate with an open mind, and make a genuine attempt to understand and relate to what your family member is telling you, the foundation for an increased understanding is instantaneously laid down.

Back to Mala and Rakesh

So, in Mala and Rakesh’s case, this was exactly what their therapist worked on. All she did was encourage them to communicate their perspectives with each other in a calm, non-critical manner.

She further encouraged each of them to be open to the other person’s viewpoint, accept the differences between them, and eventually move toward acceptance of each other’s opinions, upbringing and way of thinking. Ultimately, this resulted in better understanding and tolerance, and they were able to save their marriage.

Summing Up

In conclusion, tolerance is a fundamental pillar of family relationships that allows for the acceptance of differences and the fostering of understanding. As seen in the examples of Mala and Rakesh, and others, a lack of tolerance can lead to impatience, conflict, and the breakdown of communication. However, by celebrating differences, improving communication, and practicing empathy, families can strengthen their bonds. Tolerance does not mean accepting harmful behaviors but rather finding a way to navigate through differences in a constructive and compassionate manner. Ultimately, it is this patience and acceptance that can help preserve the integrity of the family unit.

A version of this article first appeared in the November 2010 issue of Complete Wellbeing magazine (Print Edition).

The post Coping With Family Fights: Tolerance Is the Key, Says an Expert appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Unfortunately, this fear often leads us to put important conversations on the back-burner. This head-in-the-sand approach doesn’t stop the future from arriving, but it does pose challenges when certain scenarios arise.

Here are four important conversations to have with your aging parents — for their benefit and yours.

4 Important Conversations to Have With Your Aging Parents

1. Long-term Care Plans

The thought of leaving home or relinquishing independence is incredibly overwhelming for many senior citizens. Unfortunately, aging poses challenges for both the body and the mind. On the lighter side, home maintenance tasks may become dangerous or difficult to perform. Then there are the concerns around falling or forgetting important things.

Ideally, you’ll start having the conversation about long-term care plans well before your aging parents need them. Discuss the various scenarios and what measures can be put in place to help your parents age at home. You can hire local service providers to handle maintenance tasks, or have family members take over. For safety concerns, making the home more accessible or rearranging so the laundry or bedroom is on the main floor can help.

Having these conversations now can help identify steps to take and signs that it’s time for a change before emotions get too high. It also provides more time to plan and enact these changes without extra stress. Take this opportunity to determine whether your parents have insurance coverage for long-term care or if you’ll need to start planning for these financial obligations.

Related » Bed Bumpers for Adults Can Help Prevent Falls

2. End-of-Life Planning

End-of-life planning is another taboo subject that often gets ignored or overlooked. However, it’s one of the most important conversations you can have throughout your life — ideally before you reach the senior years.

Talk to your parents about their end-of-life plans and desires. Having this conversation sooner rather than later will give you time to learn more about the available options and put a plan together. For example, according to the end-of-life specialists, many people are unaware that hospice care can take place at home.

This is also the time to talk about their funeral wishes, put any advance directives in place, and discuss a will. Having legal paperwork is a tremendous stress reliever during a difficult time.

It’s entirely possible that your parents will have a plan in place with a legal will, and clearly outlined instructions and bequests. Even so, this is an opportunity to find out where that information is stored and get a better understanding of their wishes.

3. Budgeting and Financial Planning

Finances are another tough conversation worth having with your aging parents. While it can feel awkward to broach this subject, it’s worth taking the initiative. In many situations, parents facing financial challenges are too proud to ask for help; they might not tell you unless you ask.

This conversation can be rolled into discussions about long-term care and end-of-life planning. Ask them if they have any outstanding debts, where their income is coming from, and if there are any struggles in paying bills. Offer to look over their finances or consult with a financial advisor to see if there’s room for improvement. You can also frame it as checking to see if there are opportunities to save on utilities, and so on.

Related » Why Not Making a Will Is a Big Mistake

4. Fears and Goals to Address

Toward the end of your life, you start thinking about the bigger picture: things you’re afraid of, unrequited dreams you missed out on, choices you would have made differently. Having conversations about these subjects is a powerful way to connect with your parents and help them take control of their golden years.

Ask your aging parents if there are any goals they wish they had accomplished — bucket list items or big trips they wish they had taken. Maybe they dream of having a huge family reunion and seeing everyone together. Then, see what you can do to make these dreams come true.

It’s also worth talking about fear and regrets. It’s never too late to share what you’re afraid of or make amends with estranged loved ones.

Finally, use this conversation to talk about life lessons and memories gathered along the way. What are their best memories? What wild stories from their youth have they never shared? What do they want people to know them for? Consider capturing these missives in an heirloom journal. Remember, not all important conversations have to be difficult.

Summing Up

It’s important to talk about the things no one wants to talk about and have an open, honest dialogue with your parents. Remember to treat them with respect and dignity as you navigate these challenging conversations. You’ll all be better for it.

The post 4 Important Conversations to Have With Your Aging Parents appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

You are not alone

If Ajay and Manasi’s situation touches a chord in you, then you are not alone. There are many working couples facing a similar plight. In such a situation, giving adequate time, love and attention to kids can often be a perennial struggle.

Many couples are today riddled with the question: “How to be our best, both as parents and as professionals?”

Behind the confident exterior is a mind riddled with self-doubt—are we doing the right thing? Many young parents of today have learnt to live with this constant guilt; it has become a way of life for them. Yet, it burns them up from within, eats them up, and is constantly there, at the back of their minds.

Is there any way to break this vicious cycle? Sure there is. With a little rearrangement of schedule and a change in perspective, you will be able to break free of this constant worry about not doing enough for your kids, and for your jobs. Let me give you some tips:

11 tips for coping with challenges of being working parents

1. Plan in advance

Work out your childcare plans well in advance, preferably even before your baby is born. This will help you anticipate problems and work out best possible solutions. Evaluate childcare options available to you: parents or in-laws willing and able to care for your children, daycare or creche, or a live-in maid. Jointly discuss what would work best for you as there are pros and cons attached to each of the options. Together you can choose the best available option.

2. Split chores

Parenting is a joint responsibility, and both the mother and the father have a crucial role to play in it. So, divide responsibilities. But also be flexible. There will be times when papa just won’t able to cancel an important meeting though it is his turn to take the children to their sports class. At such times, mom may need to chip in. Such adjustments are critical, as there will often be times when working parents will experience a clash of priorities.

3. Manage your time well

Maintain a daily planner and a to-do list, which can direct your day, week and month. Not only will it give you a perspective on the tasks before you, but it will also enable you to anticipate the amount of time and effort that will be required of you. Plan your schedule especially around the children’s school calendar; mark out their holidays, exams, open days, PTA meetings. Once you mark these out in advance, you can plan your schedule at work accordingly, to the extent possible to you. It is also helpful to take your partner’s schedule and calendar into account when planning your own schedule.

4. Stop hankering for perfection

Give up the idea of becoming a ‘Super Mom’ or ‘Super Dad’ and a ‘Super Employee’. This does not mean that you submit mediocre work at office, or that it’s okay to ignore your kids—far from it. On the contrary, you have to constantly strive to give your best at both places. However, you also need to be prepared for occasional compromises and adjustments. There are invariably going to be situations when your kid falls sick on the day of a crucial presentation at work. At such times, you will have to take tough decisions. Sit down calmly, assess your priorities, and decide what is more important at that point in time. Once the decision is taken, stop feeling guilty about it. The fact remains that you cannot be at two places at the same time.

5. Rope in support from your family

Not just your partner, but your in-laws, parents, and siblings can become your support systems when you need them. Build relationships with them that are mutually satisfying, so that they are there for you whenever you need them.

6. Build bonds with other parents

Often, you will find that parents of your child’s classmates are in the same boat as you. If you have a good relationship with them, you can split school-related responsibilities—such as having a car pool. This will also enable you to have a better idea of what is happening in school.

7. Teach your children the value of independence

Raise children to be independent. Explain to them the nature of your work, why it is important to you, as well as your value to the organisation you work for. Teach them to do things for themselves, so that the time that you spend with them is indeed quality time. Often, we hide our struggles and efforts from our children. Instead, make them aware of it. This will inculcate sensitivity and awareness in them. They will learn to treat you and your work, as well as work in general, seriously.

8. Find creative ways to spend time with your kids

It is important that you spend time with your kids as often as you can. You can have a casual conversation, discussing your day, in the kitchen, while you are cooking the evening meal. You can call up your child during a break to have a general chat, or just check on how she is doing. You can just bond with her while discussing the latest car models as you wash the car together every Sunday. There are plenty of opportunities of spending time with your children. You just have to be open to finding them.

9. Communicate with your kids smartly

Always keep communication open with your child—no matter how old he or she is. Make a habit of leaving notes for your children, which they can read when the return home from school or tuition classes, discuss things with them, ask them how they feel about things. Most importantly, listen to them when they talk.

10. Don’t let your guilt get the better of you

Many parents feel so guilty about the fact that they don’t spend enough time with their kids that they often end up overcompensating. Overcompensation can be in the form of material things or in giving in to every wish, desire and demand that the child makes. Alternately, some parents in the fear of not spoiling the child become too strict. It’s important to be natural as parents, and follow your instincts, rather than allow guilt to drive your reactions and responses.

11. Enjoy their innocence

Most important of all, enjoy the time you spend with your children without allowing guilt to come into the picture. Remember, you are doing your best for the child, you are the parent, and you love your children. Cherish the bond you share with them, and give your best, and it will be enough. Your child will learn to value you, respect you as a parent as well as a person, and you would have done a great job at parenthood.

Helping children cope with the challenges they face

Despite all your efforts, as children of working parents, your children face certain unique challenges. The better prepared you are in anticipating them, the better you will be able to help your children tide over these challenges. Here are a few common challenges kids of working parents often face:

1. Loneliness

How to meet this challenge: Most children, especially younger ones, will often tell their mothers to leave their jobs, when they see other parents [especially moms] picking up their friends at school. “Why can’t you come to pick me up like so-and-so’s mom does?” is a common enough wail that most working mothers have heard. This feeling is even more intense for the only child.

2. Peer influence

How to meet this challenge: Children of working parents are more susceptible to peer influence, since parents are not physically around to monitor their activities on a regular basis. Thus, parents need to zealously guard against unhealthy peer influence. It is important to know who your child’s friends are and what they do when they are together.

3. Distractions and bad habits

How to meet this challenge: As children grow up, it is important that parents keep an eye on the amount of time they spend watching TV, surfing the internet, or playing computer/mobile/console games. While these activities are mere distractions at best, at worst they can be addictive, and can take your child’s mind and attention away from studies and healthy peer relationships.

4. Alienation and strained parent-child relations

How to meet this challenge: Children of working parents can become detached and alienated from their parents, if care is not taken to communicate with them on a regular basis. They become used to having independence; they can at times be resentful of parents not being around for them and can cut themselves off from them emotionally. The best way to guard against this is to always make it a point to be connected with them on an emotional level, no matter how busy your schedule.

5. Personal safety

How to meet this challenge: As working parents, we are not around all the time to safeguard our child. Our children are at an increased risk if they are by themselves at home, with a maid or in a daycare centre. Make sure you have the right references and identification for the help you hire. Never leave the kids by themselves, if the place you live in has any security or safety hazard. Leave all possible emergency numbers with the children. Do surprise checks by arriving early at the daycare centre or at home just to monitor the goings-on.

The post 11 tips to cope with challenges of being working parents appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Why doesn’t this smooth distribution of household responsibilities happen in real life? Well, sometimes it does. At other times, it needs to be done. Distributed duties lead to lesser friction, though the distribution may not always be fair.

In generations gone by, the idea of sharing household chores was not that popular. The roles were defined rather clearly and everyone was expected to play their part. Women folk stayed home and cooked whatever the men brought in, and cared for babies. They didn’t have to go to the bank, do the shopping, file tax returns, or attend PTA [Parent Teacher Association] meetings. The children, too, were expected to play, and maybe learn till they could fend for themselves and help with the earning. Today, there’s no harm if they can lay the table, clear it, help with folding the bed sheets, pack their bags, take out the garbage, or read the paper to a grandparent.

Sharing household chores has now become an important way to keep the family bonded and happy. The benefits are obvious. There is greater efficiency and happiness in a home where family members share household responsibilities equally. Moreover, every religion, philosophy and civilisation has stressed on the value of being self-dependent.

Let us see how we can begin creating a culture of sharing household chores.

Creating a Culture of Sharing Household Chores

How to list and distribute tasks

It starts at the very beginning. If you’ve been doing the household chores for the rest of the clan, they’ve got used to it already. Change is tough, but possible. Make a beginning: list out every tiny job that has to be done in the house, from the time you wake up, till you fluff out the pillow to rest your head upon. Ensure that all tasks get done.

It is important that the basin gets scrubbed, the furniture gets dusted properly, the curios get arranged in proper sequence, the stationery gets sorted out, shoes are polished, office clothes are ironed, and the like.

Also take into account work like cleaning combs, checking for cockroaches in the crevices so you can call the pest control service. The kitchen-work, naturally, comprises the maximum number of chores: chopping, shredding, grinding, shopping, putting away things, getting them out, figuring out what to cook, making a note of what’s getting over [this could move into the weekly or monthly list rather than on the daily to-do].

It is important to carry out the listing exercise methodically. Every detail should be mentioned like cleaning the windows and cupboards, sweeping under-the-sofa and behind-the-fridge. Actually, you can write an entire chapter on cleaning.

Figure out who is good at what and distribute tasks accordingly. The computer savvy person answers emails, the maths whiz does the income tax returns, the chatty one answers the phone calls, and the picky one does the fresh-food shopping.

How to allocate time for household chores

When all members are adults, and possibly attending office, they wouldn’t necessarily have the same timings. Hence, the tasks could be allocated time-wise. So whoever enters the house first in the evening starts the work—putting the rice on the cooker perhaps, roasting the papads, slicing the cucumber or loading the washing machine. The next person would automatically put the clothes on the line, season the dal and so on.

It’s reverse gear in the mornings; whoever leaves late must ensure the gas is off, the windows are shut and locked, the tap is closed, the watchman has been told to receive that important courier packet.

External tasks may or may not be rotated, depending on convenience. Shopping, paying bills, visiting the tailor, and the like can be planned in advance. For smooth running of tight schedules, the mobile phone can be a boon. Coordination is no big deal in this world of instant communication.

Defining hierarchy

Even in a small family of three or four, it helps to have a hierarchy. There must be a leader or manager who makes the list and allocates the tasks.

It is vital that the leader not lose his/her temper and be prepared to handle occasional slackness, forgetfulness, cheating and sloth. They should be able to overcome irritation, for it doesn’t help to have tension over who didn’t wipe the spoons, who left the towel on the bed, or who didn’t switch off the geyser. The trick is to remind gently, firmly, regularly, and continually. Sharing chores is a matter of habit and discipline; the habit will eventually form, if the discipline is maintained. Giving up in a fit of annoyance might be disastrous to the whole sharing business.

Of course, if you ever feel you’re doing it all and the others are having it easy, speak up, step in and make that difference.

Beyond household responsibilities

Sharing involves more than just housework. What about other responsibilities like looking after ailing relatives? Or paying the fees of a poor cousin to help tide over a bad phase? What about baby sitting an ill neighbour’s child? Who will share these chores? Once you have a fairly organised internal set up, it’s easier to extend that experience to outsiders.

Okay, relatives and childhood mates may not be considered outsiders, but they are beyond our brief nuclear families. So let’s forget outsiders for a moment. During an emergency at home, like an illness or a sudden call from work, there is nothing like a well-trained family with well-oiled machinery in place as a comfort zone. No one’s left stranded. Everybody knows where the extra money is kept. Everybody knows how to boil instant noodles and a cup of soup. There’s no panic, and life doesn’t stall. The load is evenly carried. That’s the beauty of a family that shares chores at home.

Benefits of Sharing Household Chores

There are many benefits of sharing domestic chores. Here are three important ones:

1. There is greater appreciation of family values, which strengthen the bond between members and fosters mutual respect for each other
2. The family as a whole is better equipped to deal with eventualities, should they arise
3. Most importantly, sharing responsibilities fills up the home with a different quality of happiness—one that comes from a deeper place of each family member.

Finally, caring really is about sharing everything.

The post The Best Way of Sharing Household Chores appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Parents alone can’t change this mindset, which is now firmly ingrained in our educational and social systems. But what they can do is protect their own child. Simple changes in your attitude and behaviour towards your child can considerably affect the way he or she deals with exam stress. Here are some suggestions that might help.

Begin with understanding your child and his capabilities

The first step is to stop measuring your child’s capabilities in terms of the yardstick of society. If your child doesn’t score well, it doesn’t mean he has failed as an individual. He might, and in all likelihood does, have talents that are beyond academics. Shift your focus from academic excellence to the gifts that your child was born with.

Show that you trust your child and they will prove you are right

Managing expectations

Most students suffer from “expectation stress” rather than exam stress. Their personal strengths and spirit to grow is weighed down by expectations that their parents/teachers have from them. Such expectations usually stem from the society’s excessive emphasis on academic success. Tell your child that it is absolutely okay if she doesn’t top her exams. It is fine if she is average academically, so long as she excels in building their non-academic potential.

Affirmation and unconditional love

Reassure your kids that the family will always love and support them irrespective of how they perform in their exams. Telling them that “I am sure you will do well in exams” rather than “you better do well in exams” makes a huge difference in their level of self-confidence and gives a positive boost to their efforts.

Avoid micro-supervision

Children need their space just like adults do. Show that you trust your child and they will prove you are right. Yes, studying for exams is important but not at the cost of your child’s wellbeing. You can help them chalk out a study schedule but do not remind them every waking minute that they need to study.

Let your child take some time off and rejuvenate by indulging in indoor or outdoor games

Be attentive yet flexible in terms of routine

Pay attention to your child’s diet and make sure they are getting enough rest. But do not force them to follow a set diet or sleeping routine. Some children are able to study better during night than day. Understand their needs and comfort areas while providing support.

Create a methodology

Help them plan their studies in a way that it becomes an interesting exercise and easy to comprehend. If the child has to cover two subjects in a day, try clubbing subjects—interesting with boring, easy with difficult, strong with weak. After every hour of studying, let the child have a 10 minute break. This will break the monotony and help your child channel their efforts better.

Encourage play time

Let your child take some time off and rejuvenate by indulging in indoor or outdoor games. Playing sports—physical or mental—refreshes their mind and body and sharpens memory. You could have a “fun hour” where the family spends quality time by doing an activity together. Try interactive and productive activities and not merely watching TV together. You could play a game of housie or a badminton session. This also helps to enhance bonding and relieve stress.

When children study to avoid punishment, they will focus their energies on how not to get punished instead of studying

Relax and help them relax

Teach your child basic breathing exercises before bedtime, early morning and just before exams. This is very effective in avoiding exam-hall panic and helps to increase their concentration level.

Offer rewards, not punishments

Threatening your child with consequences of not studying is a common mistake most parents commit. When children study to avoid punishment, they will focus their energies on how not to get punished instead of studying. An alternate and much better way of encouraging them is to offer meaningful rewards. Do not lure your kids with rewards like money or gadgets. Instead, offer more productive gratification like trying a new adventure sport or extension of playtime that would motivate them to study.

Avoid post exam stress and over-curiosity

Once exams are over, your child needs a breather. Prevent your child from getting obsessed with results and save them from the “what if” questions that they get to hear everywhere they go. Exams should be forgotten about after a brief review about what can be done better next time. Instead of fretting over results, use the waiting period by taking your child for a relaxing holiday or help them explore new hobbies or recreational activities.

Even after these measures, if your child continues to experience stress before, during or after exams, consider seeking professional help. Sometimes children face chronic stress and need clinical intervention. Opt for counselling method that your child is most comfortable with and where he can share his thoughts safely and anonymously. And finally, don’t let this phase get the better of you. To be able to help your child have stress-free exams, you need to maintain your composure and stay cheerful.

The post Testing times: how to support your child during times of crucial exams appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Sexual abuse of children is rampant but rarely spoken about. Harish Iyer has used his personal experience to show us how we can protect our children.

Growing up in India, we are fed on a heavy dose of films that romanticise the great Indian family. So much so that one would start believing it is an ideal setting to grow up in. I was brought up in a joint family, with mothers more than one. Till the age of four I did not even know who my actual parents were, because I was the apple of everyone’s eye in the family.

My unseen abuse

So, with a family like that, I should have had one of the safest childhoods. But it was not so. I was raped when I was seven, by a relative, who lived outside my home. Ideally, someone should have noticed my unsaid trauma. But no one did. Instead, I was called a sissy who cried in a corner. I was lectured on how I should interact more and be more energetic—from people whom I called family. Not one of them could understand that I had a reason for going from being a rejoicing child to being a reticent one.

The sexual abuse was so severe that I would bleed. Yet, the fear of getting another painful scar made me swallow my words. I lived a dual life, one when I was being abused, and one when I was not. These were two parallel strains of my life, which I thought would never intersect.

When I finally gathered the courage and the voice to explicitly open up about my abuse to my parents and family members, I was already an adult, and had spent 11 years of my childhood suffering traumatic sexual abuse, years that I would never get back. I couldn’t help but ask myself, how and why didn’t my parents or immediate family notice my sudden behavioural change? Why didn’t they notice my face shrink whenever I was asked to stay at my [abusive] relative’s place?  Why was I made to respect someone for his age, when what he was doing to me was anything but respectable?

These questions were raging in my head and I was unable to find answers to them. It took me many years to park my past in the past and move ahead with my present like everyone else [who seemed to be presumably doing so].

Viewing my past as an outsider

After a series of challenges, I found a way to deal with my abuse and discover my own strength. Soon, my past became a story, a story of ‘that child’. I learnt the trick of dissociating the emotions of my past and telling the story of my life as just another story. Years of abuse had maimed my memory. It had created blind spots in my memory that would open up when I would speak passionately about my experience. I used to utter things without realising, and when I thought deeper about them, I realised that my subconscious mind had stored away instances of abuse that my conscious mind had forgotten. Slowly, speaking up and sharing my story became my own therapy as my past became clearer and clearer.

Every time I spoke about my abuse, I had more people opening up about similar horrors of their lives. So while speaking was therapy for me, I realised that my speaking up was therapeutic to others. It soon became apparent that familial abuse or incest was a common phenomenon; it had happened to almost everyone I knew. I came across several men who had been abused when they were young boys. What was more shocking was the fact that they had been abused by women. Most of these survivors considered what had happened to them as a ‘fantasy’. They didn’t even know that what they had been put through was actually abuse. These incidents had occurred to boys between the ages of seven to 10 and their innocent minds didn’t know what to make of the events.

What you can do to keep your child safe from sexual abuse

The horrors of familial abuse are many. But one could avert the danger of a lost childhood if parents and guardians followed a few simple steps to safeguard against familial abuse.

1. Respect the child’s actions. If the child refuses to visit, greet or speak to a relative, don’t force the child. Also, try to find out what the underlying cause of your child’s fright towards this individual is.
2. It’s your responsibility to teach your child that it’s not okay if any adult touches them on certain parts of their body.
3. Respect distance. India has the culture of kissing and hugging children. It is good to hug and lovely to kiss. But it is also important to ensure that your child is protected. If your child does not want a certain someone kissing or touching them, don’t force your child. Let your relatives know that your child is not a doll.
4. Teach your child to respect elders but not be fearful of them. Don’t force-feed the value of ‘respect’ to the extent that your child will not be in a position to tell you if adults behave inappropriately with them.
5. Believe your child. If your child tells you that he or she has been touched in a way that they do not like, even if it is by the most respected person in your family, believe your child. Children don’t lie about these things.
6. Don’t get paranoid after reading points one to five. It will not help your child in any way but will only complicate the issue further. Be aware, not paranoid. Let your child enjoy his [her] life. You just have to assure them that you will be beside them to help if needed.

Childhood is the most precious phase of one’s life. As parents, it is up to you to ensure that sexual abuse is not a challenge your child has to face.

This was first published in the September 2014 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

The post Sexual abuse ruins the family appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

It was a recurring thought—as persistent as the rain pounding on the roof of our tiny apartment during the worst winter storm the Russian River in California had experienced in years.

The thought surfaced at every tiny task I tried to accomplish: as I struggled to Velcro the tabs on the vinyl cover of the cloth diaper, when my baby cried and I could not comfort him, when my breasts were too swollen to release the milk my baby tried to suckle, and while I paced the narrow hallway rubbing my baby’s back trying to get him to burp so he could finally fall asleep.

My husband did not struggle with parenting as I did. He knew instinctively how to change a diaper, how to comfort the tiny person who had been thrust so mercilessly into a foreign world, how to massage my breasts to get the milk to flow, and how to ease a gas bubble from the pit of the baby’s stomach to escape from his mouth so the relief of sleep could finally overcome him. The natural joy my husband experienced as a father left me feeling inadequate and alone.

I was a clumsy mother fumbling for a way to fit into my son’s life

Before my son was born, everything had come easily to me. I earned good grades. I was the first to be promoted. With each success, I gained confidence until I felt invincible. But this baby—with its urgent need to be fed, clothed, and loved—derailed my confidence and cast me into a gulley of self-doubt. I constantly waffled between what I should or should not do, unable to remain firm with any course of action. Practice didn’t make me feel any more comfortable. I still compared myself to my husband. Why couldn’t I handle the task of parenting with the same poise?

The more I doubted my ability to parent, the larger my insecurity grew. My son seemed to sense my unease. He responded with more cries, more discomfort, more pleas for the father who knew exactly what to do and when to do it.

The turning point in my life

By the time my son was 15 months old, he was diagnosed with multiple disabilities. My son’s neurologist said, “Don’t blame yourself. There was nothing you could have done differently to prevent any of this. He was born this way. Our job is to find a way to help him develop to his full potential, whatever that potential is.”

For some reason, the compassionate conversation with my son’s neurologist sparked a tiny voice in my mind that whispered, “You can do this. You are the best mother for him. You can help him be whoever he is meant to become. Just trust yourself.”

That positive thought was the first step in overcoming self-doubt and gaining confidence.

Confidence is our greatest personal resource, according to Marci G. Fox, PhD. In her book, Think Confident, Be Confident, Fox writes that we can face any situation knowing we can handle it if we have confidence.

Everyone suffers from self-doubt at one time or another. The key to overcoming it and gaining confidence is as simple as changing your self-talk, believing you are capable, and finding the courage to risk trial and error in your journey to develop the skills you need to become successful.

“When you become aware of a negative thought, stop it,” personal coach Lynda Noppe said. “Then reframe it to a more positive reflection.”

My recurrent thought, I’m not a good mother, became, I’m the best mother to help my son.

But self-talk is not enough to overcome self-doubt. You need to take action. “Inaction leads to frustration. Frustration leads to anger. Anger prevents you from achieving your potential,” according to Noppe. “If you continue your efforts and do not stop, you will notice a change in the way you feel about yourself.”

My first action was to educate myself about my son’s disabilities. Although I couldn’t fly across the country to attend one-on-one sessions with developmental specialists, I could read about their lesson plans in their books and practise them with my son in our living room. That’s how I taught my son how to take his first step when the orthopedic paediatrician said my son’s leg muscles were too weak to ever learn how to walk.

I celebrated the success by taking pictures of my son’s first steps and phoning my husband at work. If you have uncertainty, you might dismiss your accomplishments. To develop self-assurance, you need to stop and give yourself a pat on the back.

There is always learning in every failure

With each tiny victory, my self-doubt shrunk and my confidence grew. I started to trust myself as the expert instead of looking outside for validation and direction. That doesn’t mean everything I tried worked. It means I learned from everything I tried. When a therapist suggested I thrust my son’s hands into a bucket full of sand to lessen his tactical sensitivity, my son responded by tantruming. I grabbed him tightly and suddenly he calmed down. That one failed attempt unwittingly became another victory, for although my son didn’t respond to the sand box therapy, he did respond to my extra-tight hug. I got rid of the touch-and-see books full of different textures and replaced them with deep tissue massage to deactivate my son’s sensitivity.

That magical space called Intuition

Eventually, I learned to trust in my experience and my feelings. When a specialist made a suggestion, I no longer agreed if it didn’t feel right. By stepping away from doubt, I had learned to trust my intuition, that magical space where we know what is right without having to logically explain it to anyone. When we trust our intuition, we act on hunches that take us farther than we ever believed was possible. Trusting my intuition led to the courage to ask for the therapies and treatments I felt would work best for my son even when the experts disagreed with me.

My son is grown now. He still wears diapers and speaks less than 50 words, but he loves music, going to church, and being tickled. Each day we experience something new on our adventure together.

I am a good mother.

The post Am I a good mother? appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Painting rocks

1 of 6

I never imagined my kids would learn so much by painting rocks, but they really did.

1. While my children were away at school for the day, I began our little project by gathering stones from my backyard. I tried to select stones that had at least one side that was fairly smooth. I washed them, and set them on a towel outside to dry in the sunshine.
2. When my kids came home from school, they were greeted by my bowl full of rocks and a palette full of acrylic paint, and I explained the project idea to them. Here were my instructions.
   Project: Paint a heart onto each stone. When the paint is dry, we will take our stones outside again and place them around our neighbourhood where people might find them.So my children painted the rocks.
3. At first, my son didn’t like the process. A perfectionist to the core, he was quick to declare, “My hearts don’t look good enough!” I told him to try imagining a person walking along the street and randomly finding his rock somewhere. Could the rock make the person smile? Might it brighten someone’s day? After a few moments of studying his rock, he looked up at me, smiled, and said “Yes!” From that point on, he was perfectly content painting away at his rocks, happily chatting about where he should place the rocks and who might find them. In that moment, he learned that his best try didn’t need to be perfect—that what he had to give was good enough to brighten a little piece of the world for a moment, and that it should be good enough for him, too.
4. My six-year-old daughter, who dreams of becoming an artist, was excited about painting the rocks from the start. Unfortunately, her first try at painting a heart created more of a pink blob than a heart shape, and she knew it. But my daughter continued to pick up stone after stone and gave it her best try every time. By the time she got to her last stone, her heart shape was perfect. And in the end, she was proud of all of her stones. It was as though she understood the beauty of each try. I hope she continues to see that beauty in her life every day.
5. Once the paint was dry, my son suggested we outline the hearts with a permanent marker to make the hearts stand out against the rocks more. I hadn’t planned on this step, but I think he was right.Then we gathered their painted stones and headed out into the world.
6. My children giggled as they ran along the sidewalk, planning the placement of their gifts. They scattered them along park benches and garden walls, on manhole covers and flowerbeds—anywhere they thought a person might find them.

The next day we noticed two stones had been taken from their spots. Two more were removed the day after. We don’t know how many stones are gone now, but we did notice one on a fire hydrant today; a spot that is passed by hundreds of people every day. It’s just waiting for the right person, I guess. Someone will find it when she needs it. And when that person finds the stone, the little painted heart will hold on to its secret about two little kids who put their all into these tiny gifts to strangers and, with happy hearts, asked for nothing but a smile in return.

This was first published in the June 2013 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

The post I never imagined my kids would learn so much by painting rocks appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Numerous studies have established that babies nurtured in an unfriendly and hostile environment end up with a stunted mental development, learning disabilities and hyperactive disorders in later life. Also, poor emotional bonds give rise to mistrust in the baby’s mind and makes her irritable and aggressive. So, constant love and affection in a healthy environment are essential for the baby’s future wellbeing.

Parent-infant bonding starts even before the baby is born—from the day the couple discovers that they are expecting their baby. It is further enhanced when the mother has a sensation of her baby moving in the uterus.

Soon after delivery and in the following few weeks, sensory [sight, sound, touch] contact between the parents and the baby triggers various mutually rewarding and pleasurable interactions.

Sight

Immediately after birth, ‘rooming in’ is encouraged. That means that the baby is laid next to the mother on the same bed, and not in a separate nursery.

Face-to-face contact is essential for the initial bonding between the newborn and her parents. You must position your face close to your baby’s while smiling or talking to him. This is because a newborn can only see about a foot away from her body. This distance is known as the breastfeeding distance. Feel and express happiness when holding your baby, smile with eye contact and watch how your baby stares back. At the age of 6 – 8 weeks, your baby will smile when he sees you. This is called the social smile.

Babies never tire of looking at faces, so surround them with photos to strengthen their relationship with family members.

Touch

Bonding by touch is of utmost importance. This includes the mother touching the baby’s face, hands and legs with her fingers and gently caressing or massaging the baby with her hands. Touching the infant’s cheek causes the baby to turn the face toward the breast [rooting reflex] and this is a powerful stimulus for release of a hormone prolactin in the mother that enhances milk production. Another essential hormone called oxytocin is also released by touching, fondling the baby and suckling of the baby at the breast. During the first 24 hours, uninterrupted contact between the baby and the mother [and father] should be maintained. In certain situations, there is a delay in the initial interaction between the newborn and her family. The most common cause for this is when the baby is admitted to a neonatal ICU because of a medical emergency. This is seen commonly with babies who are born preterm, underweight or need oxygen or intravenous medications for breathing trouble or infection. Certain babies who are born with birth defects also need to kept back in the hospital for special care, while the mother is discharged a few days after delivery. However, even in these situations, as soon as the baby’s medical condition permits it, the mother is allowed to hold, caress and feed her little one.

Breastfeeding not only ensures that the baby gets all her nutritional requirements but it also promotes bonding of the mother and her baby. Feeding a newborn baby is required day and night, usually at a 2 – 3 hour interval, from day one of the baby’s life till she is six months old. Naturally this would mean that the mother has to, at times, sacrifice her own sleep, food preferences and leisure in order to feed her baby, whenever and wherever the baby demands it. This fosters a very strong bond between mother and child. The best way to know how much to feed your baby is to ‘feed on demand’. Most new mothers have an apprehension that breast milk will not provide the child enough nutrition but that is a myth. Avoid feeding your baby by the clock. In the first few days after birth, the baby should not be given any other liquids except breast milk. Some families do give water, glucose water, honey, gripe water or formula milk, but this is not safe practice.

If the newborn is so sick that it cannot directly suck at the breast, the mother’s breast milk is expressed and administered through a feeding tube.

Babies cry less when they are carried. Infants who are immediately picked up when they cry show less aggressive behavior in later years. A sling lets you keep your baby close to you, while still allowing you to carry on with your daily life. Laying your baby on your chest is also an enjoyable experience for your baby and it also regulates her temperature and heart rate.

Sound

A baby responds better to a loving human voice than the music in any toy. So start talking to your baby from day one itself. This also helps to develop his communication skills. A parent or guardian may think that their voice is not good enough to sing lullabies, but your baby only hears your love and affection. Also, for the first few weeks, limit interactions with members from outside the family. This is your special time to get to know your baby better. At every stage, the father should be involved, in whatever way he best can. A study has documented that babies who are bathed by their fathers at least three times a week, have better relationships with them in the later years.

This was first published in the April 2013 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

The post Forging a Lifelong Bond With the Newborn appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

These aren’t our typical parents, yet some communities may label them as ‘perfect parents’. However, experts suggest that perfect parenting isn’t after all perfect or even existent for that matter. Because parenting is not a science; it is more of an art. It is an art which cannot be taught at any college or University. It is an art that every parent learns instinctively only after they become a parent. And while some of the results of parenting are visible almost immediately, most effects are seen much later in life, when the child becomes an adult of 40 or 50, when he or she enjoys or suffers the effects of parenting in childhood.

First, the basics

Though there is no one definition for ideal parenting, every parent has three or four basic functions to perform. One is that they have to provide for the child’s material and emotional needs. Two, they have to act as shock absorbers and be there for the child, when he goes through the ups and downs of the growing years. Three, they need to set boundaries which are good enough to prevent the child from getting hurt while not being so narrow that his growth suffers. And lastly, they need to teach the child some basics of life, inculcate good values, good manners and good behaviour, but more by example than by talking or lecturing them. In totality, good parenting is all about being available, whenever and wherever your child needs you and it is about loving your child, unconditionally, at all times, irrespective of how the child behaves or what he does.

Insecurity breeds obsession

With the change in the structure of our society in the last few decades, joint families have given way to nuclear families, and most couples now opt for one or two children, as opposed to three or four which was the norm earlier. As a result, parents are now able to spend their time, energy and money more effectively in bringing up one or two children, rather than spreading their resources over three or four. But this also has a flip side. The focus and attention of the parents has also got concentrated on these children, often leading to parental obsession. The fear that something might happen to their only child, or that he might not do well in life, is at the root of many of the obsessions shown by parents. When there were many children and resources were less, parents were not so bothered about how their children turned out. They were more accepting of the child. Today, however, things have changed considerably.

The many shades of obsession

In many families, it is observed that children are smothered by their parents. They are constantly under the parent’s vision and supervision, are rarely left alone and seldom given a chance to think or act independently. Sometimes, the degree of concern and worry that parents show for their children’s welfare reaches unimaginable heights. Here is a case in point. A couple of years ago, there was an epidemic of swine flu, with media acting as a catalyst to the panic, the scenario was blown out of proportion. While all parents were worried for their children’s health, some went to extremes. I know of a couple who was so scared that they shut their eight-year-old son inside the house and did not let him out for a month. He was forced to miss school, and was prevented from going out to play. All the doors and windows of the house were shut and he was put under house arrest. In another case, parents took their children and went away to the grandparent’s house in another city and returned only after two months, when the swine flu scare was over. They also risked losing their jobs and made the children miss school. While this is one example of extreme parental obsession, there is yet another where parents pick up and drop their children to and from school and also accompany them to their tuitions, dance classes, music classes, karate classes and to all the classes that the child takes. So much so that except for the time the child spends sleeping or in one of these classes, he is never out of the sight of his parents.

[contd.]

The post Are you a helicopter parent? appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.