Here’s a simple story to illustrate:

“Sonia and Raj were introduced to each other for the first time by a mutual friend. Raj was a very quiet guy, while Sonia was an extrovert who loved to talk. At first both of them did not talk too openly. This was because they were not ready to trust the other. As their mutual friend orchestrated the conversation, Raj and Sonia found out that they both love to travel. An emotional connection was established due to the common love for travel. They started speaking about the subject and, through the conversation, they built familiarity and trust. By the end of the meeting, they exchanged phone numbers on the pretext of keeping each other updated about their adventures.”

This is a classic example of simple trust being built between two people.

Trust is like a burning candle on a windy night. When guarded, it can produce warmth & illuminate the path. If not treated tenderly, it could leave one in the dark.

Genuine trust is an act of faith. Trusting means we are confident that the one we trust can do no wrong, because we’re sure of their intentions and integrity. Trust is essential for every healthy and happy relationship.

But building trust in a relationship is not easy. It takes effort. It is like tending to a plant—one has to be patient.

Trust is created when both the partners are ready to risk their vulnerability. This is the risk of being hurt by the other, which is taken willingly. There are no shortcuts to building trust. It takes an investment of time and emotion to create a beautiful bond.

Trust creates an expectation that our significant other will act/react in a certain way to situations. When this expectation is not met, it leads to broken trust. Trust once broken is hard, if not impossible to mend. If both the partners are willing and desire to rebuild broken trust, then trust building exercises can help them achieve it.

Let’s look at a few trust building exercises for couples. If you’re short on time and need to skim through, skip to the infographic at the end of the article — it has all the information condensed into one image.

6 Trust Building Exercises For Couples

Emotional transparency

Understanding a partner’s feelings and emotions is essential for building trust. In the same way, making one’s feelings known to one’s partner plays a vital role to strengthen the bond. Being truthful about oneself helps both partners understand each other better. The prospect of being open and vulnerable always may be daunting. But it helps couples become more accepting of each other’s flaws and vulnerabilities, thus strengthening the bond.

Exercise

Sit down with each other. Create an ambience of comfort and openness. Laugh a bit. Start recounting the whole day and events of the day. Communicate all the feelings experienced throughout the day. Encourage your partner to do the same. Most importantly, stay open and non judgemental.

Eye Contact

Try to count the number of people you make constant eye contact with during a day. You could count them on one hand, right? A sign of deep trust and comfort with a person is the ability to make eye contact. If you observe young children, one can clearly see how they make a judgement of a person just by looking at the eyes.

The eyes help one see into the depths of a person. That said, when one can make constant eye contact with a partner, it shows deep trust between the couple.

Exercise

Every time you communicate with your partner, make sure to maintain a soft eye contact. Do not stare, keep it simple. If it feels uncomfortable, do not force yourself. Remember, trust builds over time.

Group Activities

An individual’s behaviour within a group is different as compared to a one-to-one interaction. This also applies to couples. When in groups, couples behave differently than how they act in private. It becomes essential that the couples can predict how their partners will act when in public. The below example will illustrate,

“Pooja and Raj, who have been together for a few months, decide to have a dinner date with their friends Rahul and Reena who have been married for a year. Post dinner, Pooja decides to feed a spoon of ice-cream to Raj from her own bowl. Raj, on the other hand, feels rather uncomfortable being fed by his wife and declines. Pooja’s face turns red as she decides to have the ice cream herself.”

A moment of discomfort was created as Pooja and Raj were unsure of each other’s behaviour. This shows a lack of trust and understanding between the couple.

Exercise

Participate in people events which both you and your partner enjoy. Events like food tasting, wine tasting, dance classes, parties etc. can be a good opportunity to develop trust. Make sure to be accommodating of your partner’s behaviour so that they are accommodating of yours. Learn to adjust and adapt.

Respect Space and Boundaries

The people in our life, whether spouse or parents or friends, are co-passengers on a journey. We consciously choose to travel with each other to make our journey more joyful. But we must remember, it’s “our” journey. As a couple, you may spend a lot of the journey together, but you also spend a part of the journey away from each other. Respecting this space is essential to build trust. Let your partner enjoy their time on their own. Maybe they like to watch a TV show alone, or watch a game of football with their office peers. Have boundaries and respect them. This helps to make the relationship sweeter and strengthen trust.

Exercise

This is perhaps the most important of all trust building exercises for couples. Encourage your partner to take up activities that they love. These needn’t be group activities. Many a times, we stop enjoying our hobbies after marriage or engaging in a relationship. Encourage your partner to take up any such activities which they previously enjoyed. At the same time, reflect to see how you have changed. Make it a point to have some alone time to rejuvenate your mind and body.

Be Truthful

The most important aspect of a successful relationship is a truthfulness. This is perhaps the most commonly spoken about trait but is also the hardest to live by. You and your partner may not always be ready to accept each other’s truths or ideas but the most successful relationships are based solely on truth and acceptance. Embracing truth will no doubt lead to temporary ups and downs but it makes and keeps a relationship strong.

Exercise

Every night, sit down with your partner and practice confessions. These need not always be negative or pertaining to apologies. It could even be a positive confession like ‘how you helped a poor boy today’ or ‘how you felt embarrassed when something happened’. Remember, no lie is innocent.

Practise Patience

Probably the most overlooked aspect of building trust between people is patience. Trust grows with time. It’s like a plant which needs to be tended to regularly, so that one day it blooms. It doesn’t happen overnight in any circumstance. There isn’t a prescribed duration to which one can set a timer. It is different for every person.

Exercise

Patience is not only a virtue for a successful relationship, but also for a successful life. You can practice patience by actually planting a seed in your garden and then nurture and co-grow it with your partner. Plant a seed of each of your favourite flowers and tend to them. You will see that as the plant blooms, so does the relationship.

Make sure to share this article with your loved one, because it takes two to tango! Together, both of you treat these six exercises like games that you will play with each other to help you lay a strong foundation of trust in your relationship.

The post 6 Trust Building Exercises For Couples [The definitive guide] appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Why bother to holiday with the parents-in-law

Having said that, it does not mean that your parents and you, living in separate universes, do not meet. It is a given that you and your spouse will create opportunities to meet the parents. If you are staying in the same city as the parents then celebrations, weekends, dining-out, movies are all occasions to strengthen bonds and show that out-of-sight is not out of mind. However, if you all are staying in different cities then the occasions are a few and the time spent short and precious.

Holidaying with your spouse and the folks is an opportunity to bring the two universes together and revel in the occasion. However, to ensure that the universes do not cataclysmically disintegrate [yes I am being dramatic] during this moment in time you need to keep a few things in mind.

Your spouse and you are a team

This needs to be stated at the outset to ensure that you do not spend too much time with your folks at the cost of your spouse and your spouse does not ignore your folks to your chagrin and their discomfort. As a unit you not only have each others backs but work together to make this outing for the parents an enjoyable and memorable one. As a team, work not only reduces but there is appreciation for what the other brings to the moment.

Discuss and find common interests

Discussing holiday plans with your spouse and parents provides more things to do as interests, not known till then, may align. Thus the holiday entourage can split into smaller groups ensuring others are not forced to do things they are not interested in. Common interests could become a corner stone to improve interpersonal relationships.

Spousal spats should not be public

Spousal infractions are a given and there is no right time for one. However, when holidaying with your parents it would be best to let go in order to avoid these tiffs. Such fights tend to weaken the holiday mood and unnecessarily give your parents a reason to worry.

Spend time with the folks

You and your spouse should independently spend some time with the parents. This is a chance for them to bring you upto speed on how they are enjoying the holiday.

Include your spouse during reminiscing sessions

Unwinding during holidays can bring back a flood of family memories. These discussions unfortunately may keep out the spouse. These are occasions to bring your spouse upto date on family history and share your memories. It is also an occasion for your spouse to see your parents in a different light – as young people far removed from who they are now.

Do something special with your spouse

Just because your parents are along does not mean that you cannot plan something with your spouse. Remember the holiday is as much about bonding with the parents as it is about the spouse. Plan your holiday to include time just for the two of you. Your spouse will love it, you will enjoy it and your parents may just get the time they wanted but were unwilling to ask for.

When holidaying with both set of parents

Holidaying with both set of parents can be like juggling with knives. However, it need not be so if you are mindful of the above and the following points:

Do not spend time on your parents only

It is not surprising if you wish to show more concern and make more effort for your parents. After all being their child you want to make their holiday special. It may also be that you do not get along with your in-laws. On the other hand you may want to do more for the in-laws because it makes your spouse happy or just because you like them. Whatever may be the case it may lead to some heartburn for the other party. Therefore it is important that your spouse and you communicate as a team to ensure both sets of parents are given equal attention.

Stop any attempts at family competitions

Attempts to stand out are natural. Parents would like to believe that they and their children are special, they would like to crow about success, sacrifices and unique experiences. Sometimes this is done unconsciously. However, any form of one-upmanship must be nipped in the bud. What matters now is that your spouse thinks you are special and that the two of you together live through the successes and sacrifices that knock on your door.

Do not interfere in a spat between your spouse and his/her parent

Adults will always be seen as children by their parents. The conundrum is that parents love to give advice and also seek counsel from their grownup children. So even on such vacations there will be occasions for child-parent tiffs. Though you may want to douse this flareup and or support your spouse, do not. Unless called to intervene, it is best to let the spat die a natural death and then talk to your spouse and parents separately.

Find occasions for the two sets of in-laws to do things together

In other words find time for yourself and your spouse to do things together. Such vacations are also about your fledgling family memories that you two create. In the planning stage you could suggest things that the two sets of parents can do together whilst clearly indicating that you would like to spend some alone time with your spouse.

Parent child interaction differ from family to family. These differences are in your face when you and your spouse together vacation with your parents. The expectations of your parents and those of your in-laws need to be balanced against those of your relationship with your spouse. In conclusion one must remember what Henry Miller said, ‘One’s destination is never a place, but always a new way of seeing things.’ which can extend to holidays with your spouse and parents.

The post When you decide to take your parents-in-law on a vacation appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

What people don’t know about us is that we are amazing actresses too. We put up a brave face for the world but deep inside we are terrified for the safety and wellbeing of the men we love.

We just don’t get enough opportunities to stay together because that’s how life is in fauj [Indian army]. When our friends from the corporate world talk about taking a solo vacation to get some space from their spouses—we don’t understand them. It is because army wives like me desperately look forward to stealing a sojourn with our husbands whenever we can. In fact, we can count the exact duration in a year [down to the last minute] that we stayed as a couple before duty knocked at the door.

Time to kill

After marrying Major Sa’ab [high ranking officer], I settled into a role of a full-time housewife, leaving behind a steady career. I must confess that I enjoyed every moment of the first six months. Having worked as a journalist for many years, covering sporting events around the country, I finally had time to read that book and cook that dish—and do all the other things that I had kept waiting since a long time. I felt like a rich person amongst all my colleagues, having the one thing they did not have—free time!

But alas… I had underestimated the Army’s talent of keeping its officers and ladies [yes, us too] on their toes during peace postings. We had AWWA [Army Wives Welfare Association] functions to attend, family meets to organise, ladies meets to practise for and attend every social engagement.

We just don’t get enough opportunities to stay together because that’s how life is in fauj

How an army wife plans her life

I almost burst out laughing when I was told that the station commander’s wife had called a Banarasi saree seller to her place and had asked all interested ladies to join her in saree-shopping. Who had so much time on their hands?

But that was not to be treated as an invitation. It was a farmaan, an order!

So I accompanied all the ladies of the Unit to the memsahib’s bungalow to check out some sarees. And I had to hand it to the lady; she had indeed done us all a great favour by getting that saree-man to her place. He had some of the most beautiful Banarasi sarees and at irresistible prices.

I am a saree-freak, so I enjoyed feasting my eyes on silks and crepes. I did not buy anything though—defiantly disobeying memsahib’s hints that I should get one—because I was out of job and felt it below my dignity to ask my husband for money [a situation that changed very soon].

The other ladies went home with a bunch of sarees, having already earmarked them for future functions.

“This blue saree is for the monsoon theme party.”

“I will save this black one for a dinner function.”

“There will be a ladies’ meet during the GOC visit right? I’ll wear this crepe saree there.”

I was amazed to see their planning! It put the government’s panch-varshiya yojna [five-year plans] to shame.

Chivalry isn’t extinct

“Don’t call me Ma’am, please.”

“Ok Ma’am.”

I gave up trying to convince officers to call me by my name. I was not used to being called ma’am; it felt unnatural, especially when someone belonging to my father’s generation addressed me so.

But that’s when I realised—if there is one place where a woman can enjoy the company of chivalrous gentlemen, it would be in the Armed Forces.

And I am not talking about pulling-the-chair and holding-the-door-open kind of chivalry. I am talking about a deeper sense of honour and responsibility that makes the men in uniform take care of their women folk.

These bravehearts will help each other to any extent, even if they are not particularly fond of each other—they take the meaning of the word camaraderie very seriously. Women get pampered the most. And we love every moment of it. Occasionally, my husband would make sure that I didn’t get carried away and brought me back to reality. He tried to “groom” me into becoming a good example for others.

Fauji lingo!

There is a long list of words that civilians don’t use, but faujis can’t do without. Like, detailment, fall-in [And more like these] . Grooming is another word that faujis like to use a lot.

I was amused on seeing a sign board outside a military mess. Something about the way “Offrs’ Mess” is written triggers the journalist in me, wanting to point out that any normal person would read this as “Offers” instead of “Officers”.

I also had a hearty laugh when my husband first said he needed to “prepare his dress” for the next day.

“Dress? Ha ha ha! Are you a woman that you want to wear a dress?”

Major Sa’ab frowned. He opened his wardrobe and made me memorise the names of all his “dresses”. Games dress, ceremonial dress, Number One dress, Number Two dress, combat dress and so on. I learned it the hard way that in Army, even the men wear dresses. And they do it in style! We, the army wives, sometimes have to catch up with them in this department.

I had a hearty laugh when my husband first said he needed to “prepare his dress” for the next day

I had to undergo a complete wardrobe makeover to cater to the requirements of every occasion [in every season]. This involved spending a bomb on sarees, which is the unofficial dress code for army women at any social function. Army wives are experts at wearing a saree in five minutes flat, five times a day.

Interacting with soldiers’ families

I realised how little I knew about the organisation before I became an army wife. To a girl my age, only the glamour of crew cuts, aviators and powerful bikes was visible. It was only after I started living with my husband in his Unit that I came face-to-face with things that only an army wife will come across.

The most memorable among those things was my interaction with Jawaans [soldiers] and their families. Learning about the kind of background they come from and their hardships was the jolt that brought me back to earth and snapped me out of my fantasy.

It was only after I started living with my husband in his Unit that I came face-to-face with things that only an army wife will come across

Most wives of Jawaans came from villages; some had not even passed class 10 while some were post graduates. I was told that the women looked up to the wives of officers [provided we were nice to them] and I needed to always be by their side.

I was shocked to learn that many of them don’t get to stay with their husbands for 3 – 4 years at a time and have to live alone or with the husband’s extended family, which comes with its own set of problems.

One young wife asked me how much I earned, and responded with a shocked expression when I told her.

“Can women earn that much money? Can I too?”

I didn’t know what to tell her. I asked her what her education was, to which she replied that she was a computer graduate. I gave her advice about how she should not waste her time at home and get a job, citing that many options she had and sincerely hoping that she will pick at least one of those. I don’t know the outcome of that pep talk as my husband got his posting orders the next month. But I hope to meet that young woman again someday and learn that she is doing well for herself.

That’s the beauty of this organisation. We meet, we bond, and we party like there is no tomorrow. And very soon, it is time to pack our trunks, say goodbye and move to a new place to start all over again.

That’s life for us. And we appreciate its value like no one else.

The post Confessions of an army wife appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

What Are the Signs of a Depressed Partner?

Has your partner changed and become negative, often pessimistic, about almost everything? Has he or she become quieter, emotionally withdrawn, simultaneously making themselves unavailable for many family activities? Have they cut down on socializing and seem disinterested in work, family and life? Have they increased emotional eating, alcohol intake or drug usage? Has your partner become moody and is easily angered?

One client said, “My husband seems to be a shell—as if he has no soul,” and another said, “He’s no fun anymore; he’s just not the same person he was five years ago, before the depression.” One woman said, “He’s always angry.” One man said, “My wife is constantly sad, and hardly talks, yet she has so many great things in her life.” These sentiments are common. While the contributing factors in depression vary from person to person, the way depression appears ‘from the outside’ is strikingly similar.

How Does It Feel to be the Depressed Partner?

The daily walk with depression is a crippling one; relationships with self, family members, friends, colleagues and life in general, all become more difficult and painful. The depressed partner usually feels oppressed and caged in, either by self-imposed restrictions or perceived or real external limitations placed on them.

In most cases, unresolved grief and loss is at the core of depression. For men, it is often the loss of a relative, job loss or loss of emotional/physical intimacy in the primary relationship. For women it is often the loss of a child or feeling trapped in the primary relationship. He or she lives in the shadow of self-condemnation, anger and frustration. As they over-focus on their defeats and weaknesses, causing their self-esteem to plummet, they compare themselves with others unfavorably—adding more bricks to the wall of isolation around them. This anger at life eventually points inwards, as prior goals seem unattainable. They feel pressured by most obligations, leaving them feeling ‘stuck’, struggling to make decisions, and fearful of the future.

This lack of fulfillment, and a feeling that life is ‘bland’, sometimes becomes the catalyst for a ‘mid-life crisis’ or an affair; creating a change, then a temporary spark.

However, a devastating backlash of increased alienation from their spouse, self-disgust and confusion make matters worse. All these negative, repetitive thoughts create an avalanche of sad emotions, impacting the body. As depression sets in, restless sleep, reduced sex drive, impaired sexual function, appetite changes, aches and fatigue are common. Feeling numb and disassociated from life, it is common to hear a depressed person say things like, “I don’t know who I am anymore” and ”I don’t know what I want.”

How to Help Your Depressed Partner?

Some partners tell their spouse to ‘harden up’ or ‘get over it’, which only exasperates the situation. Ideally, if your partner has depression, you can assist them by encouraging them to see a psychologist or counselor for therapy or a doctor for medication. Keep talking to your spouse and keep listening: avoid nasty ‘put down’ comments.

Depression is not just ‘in the mind’, but is physical as well; be gentle and assist where you can in practical ways around the household. Being empathetic is important, but knowing strategies is essential. I have a tool that I encourage you to use. It’s called The Crisis Wheel. I talk about it in my book Are you listening: Life is Talking to You!

Ask your spouse how they are doing in the following areas:

• Thought Patterns: Are they predominantly positive or negative?
• Self Esteem: Do they have strong self-esteem?
• Past Grief and loss: Are they frequently emotional over a past loss?
• Emotions: Are they mostly experiencing positive emotions?
• Brain chemistry: Are they eating well and exercising at least three times weekly to improve brain neurotransmitters?
• Support networks: Do they have friends they regularly socialise with?
• Passions: Are they enjoying passions/hobbies?
• Lifestyle/Career: Do they enjoy their day job and are they suffering any financial stress?

When using this Crisis Wheel for assessment, I ask the client to give me a ‘coping ‘or ‘not coping’, response, which I translate to a tick or a cross. In my book I offer strategies for these eight vital areas. Ask your spouse how they are coping in these areas. Tragically, a person who is not coping in five or more of these areas is likely to be experiencing suicidal thinking, so be brave and ask them if they have had any suicidal thoughts. Other signs to watch for that your spouse may be suicidal are: Do they feel hopeless, are they saying goodbyes, giving away possessions, putting legal affairs in order, or frequently talking about dying?

How Medicine and Therapy Can Help

Science suggests that depression is related to an imbalance in the levels of the following neurotransmitters in the brain: serotonin, norepinephrine and dopamine, and that depression can be hereditary. So, does depression cause the reduction in these neurotransmitters or does the reduction in the neurotransmitters cause depression? It is much like the chicken and the egg—which came first? Regardless, it is crucial that a person with depression has improved power over thoughts, emotions, and relationships, and to do this, therapy and strategies are required. When a person is coping well in most areas in their life, depression symptoms usually subside.

Your doctor can assist with antidepressant medication, which often works well in improving the balance of neurotransmitters. Overall, you need to work on two levels:

1. Keep these brain chemistry levels correct and
2. Equip the depressed spouse with strategies for coping with their relationship and life.

Many of my hundreds of counseling sessions have involved a client with depression. When you know what to look for, what you can do to help, what to avoid doing and the psychological strategies for improvement, you can make a huge change in your partner’s life, the relationship and your life. Keep talking, keep listening and keep connected to each other. Now that you know more about what your partner is going through, and that depression is an illness, not a choice, this should help you stay empathetic. Use therapeutic strategies, have hope, and support each other, through sickness and in health.

(Editor’s note: The following three sections have been added by the Complete Wellbeing editorial team to expand on the original article with additional guidance that readers frequently ask about.)

How Do You Take Care of Yourself When Your Partner Is Depressed?

One of the most common patterns in couples affected by depression is the slow erosion of the non-depressed partner’s own wellbeing. The giving, the accommodating, the constant making of allowances takes a toll and somewhere along the way, the caregiver stops tending to themselves.

You cannot pour from an empty cup. Neglecting one’s own emotional, physical and social needs while caring for a depressed partner creates a real risk of becoming depleted, resentful, and eventually unwell. Research shows that partners of people with depression experience significantly higher rates of stress, anxiety and burnout. The wellbeing of the supporting partner matters too.

Here are some things the non-depressed partner can do:

• Keep your social life alive. Abandoning friendships or hobbies because a partner cannot participate is a common but costly mistake. Continuing to do things that bring joy is essential for balance.
• Seek individual counseling. Talking to a therapist privately (separate from any couples work) provides a space to process frustration, grief and confusion without fear of making things worse at home.
• Set gentle but firm boundaries. Loving someone with depression does not mean absorbing their anger or putting every personal need on hold indefinitely. Boundaries protect both people in the relationship.
• Release misplaced guilt. A partner’s depression is not something the other person caused or can single-handedly cure. Releasing this burden is one of the most important steps a caregiver can take.

Caring for oneself is what makes sustainable, long-term support possible.

What Should You Not Say to a Depressed Partner?

Words carry enormous weight when someone is living with depression. What feels like encouragement or tough love to one partner can feel like rejection or shame to the other. Knowing what to avoid saying is just as important as knowing what to do.

Phrases like these are best left unsaid:

• “Just think positive.” Depression is not a matter of attitude, and saying this dismisses the very real neurological and emotional reality of what the depressed person is experiencing.
• “You have so much to be grateful for.” This deepens the depressed partner’s sense of failure and isolation. They often already know they ‘should’ feel better — and that awareness makes it worse.
• “Snap out of it” or “Toughen up.” As the article notes, this only exacerbates the situation. Depression is an illness, not a weakness of character.
• “You’re ruining our family” or “You’re impossible to live with.” Even in the most exhausted, frustrated moments, statements like these cause lasting damage to an already fragile self-esteem.
• “Other people have it worse.” This invalidates the depressed partner’s pain entirely and shuts down communication.

Simple phrases like “I’m here with you” or “I want to understand what you’re going through” go a long way. Asking questions rather than giving directives, listening more than speaking, and offering quiet physical reassurance can say more than any carefully chosen words.

Is It Possible to Have a Healthy Relationship With a Depressed Partner?

The short answer is “Yes”. But it requires honesty, effort and a shared commitment from both partners.

Depression does not have to signal the end of a relationship. For some couples, navigating it together, with the right tools and support, deepens their bond in ways they might not have anticipated. The crucial shift is in treating depression as an illness that belongs to neither partner as a personal failing, and as a challenge to be faced as a team.

A healthy relationship in this context is built on open communication, where both partners feel safe expressing their needs. It involves the depressed partner actively seeking treatment: therapy, medication, lifestyle changes, or a combination. And it involves the supporting partner maintaining their own wellbeing, so they can show up with empathy rather than exhaustion.

Couples therapy can be enormously valuable here. It creates a shared space to rebuild communication, better understand each other’s experience, and develop strategies that work for the relationship specifically.

Many couples who feel hopeless in the thick of depression find, with the right support, that what felt insurmountable became manageable, and even transformative. Depression is a chapter, not the whole story.

This was first published in the April 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

Last updated on 21^st February 2026

The post My Partner Has Depression: How to Help Without Burning Out appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Practicing couple yoga with your partner can help build trust and boost intimacy between the two of you. Regular practice of couple yoga will help you find deep love for yourself and your partner. Not only will each of you feel centered, relaxed and confident about yourselves, but you will also begin to relate better with each other — you will find yourself being more loving, tolerant, and accepting towards your beloved.

Before you begin each session, say, “Thank you,” in advance to your partner for the spiritual experience in which you both will participate. Expressing gratitude shows your loved one that you have confidence in their ability to embark on this journey.

7 couple yoga poses to strengthen your relationship

Start by breathe slowly and deeply. Bring your attention to the present moment. Connect with your body and notice that your partner is with you too — in body, mind, and spirit. Now you can begin practising the couple yoga poses. Remember to have fun doing it while giving it your all.

1. Twin Trees

Start by standing a few feet apart from your partner, facing the front.

Next, move your palms toward each other, with the arms in a T-shape, or draw your elbows and palms together in the shape of a cactus.

Start to shift your weight onto your right foot and draw the left leg into tree pose by bending the knee and bringing the left foot to the right ankle, calf or inner thigh.

Your partner will shift the weight onto his or her left foot and bring the right foot to the left ankle, calf or inner thigh.

Help to balance each other for five breaths. Then release each other, turn around to face the back and repeat on the opposite side.

2. Couples Down Dog/ Back Bend

Start this pose with your partner in downward facing dog.

Then take your partner deeper in their stretch, by placing your feet in between his or her hands and lowering yourself onto his or her back.

Stretch your arms overhead and give yourself a backbend in this position.

Stay for several breaths and then swap places.

3. Chair Pose with Partner

Start by facing each other, standing with feet hip-width apart.

Inhale as you extend your arms out to your partner.

Holding each others hands, begin to bend your knees and squat. Make sure that the knees do not cross your feet.

Try to take your thighs as parallel to the floor as possible. In this pose, the taller partner will have to provide more support to the shorter one.

Stay in this pose for five breaths.

4. Partner Twist

Begin in a seated position, with your legs crossed and your spines touching each other.

Inhale and raise your arms over your head, holding each other’s hands or wrists, and start to lengthen the spine.

Exhale and twist to the right. As you do so, bring your right hand on your partner’s left knee and your left hand on your right knee or thigh. Your partner should mirror the movement.

Hold this pose for five breaths. Then exhale, untwist and repeat on the opposite side.

Not only does the twist assist in cleansing and detoxifying the body, but it also gives you a chance to initiate playfulness with your partner.

5. Partner Forward Fold

To begin, sit opposite each other, with both your legs extended in a V-shape.

Bring the soles of your feet together. Then extend your arms toward each other and hold your partner’s wrist or forearm. Inhale as you lengthen your spine and exhale as you start to bend forward, with your heart moving towards your partner rather than downward to the floor.

Hold for five breaths.

6. Partner Breathing

Sit crossed legged, with your back resting against your partner’s, and your spines touching each other’s. Your hands should rest on your thighs.

Allow yourself to feel and connect with your partner through inhalations and exhalations.

Start to breathe alternately with your partner, so that as you inhale, he or she exhales; conversely, as she or he inhales, you exhale. Repeat for three minutes.

This exercise helps you to connect with your partner, to be aware of your breathing, and to open your heart.

7. Boat Pose

Begin by sitting on opposite sides of the mat, keeping the legs together. Hold your partner’s hands outside your hips.

Keeping your spine straight, raise your legs and touch your sole to your partner’s. Try to find balance as you straighten your legs up to the sky.

You can start practising this pose by straightening only one leg at a time, till you find the balance.

Stay in this pose for five breaths, consciously gazing into your partner’s eyes.

To get out of the pose, slowly lower your legs and let your hands go.

This was first published in the October 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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“Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” goes a popular saying, though I think it’s applies equally to men as well. Few things get to a person’s soul more than the hurt, betrayal or ending of an intimate relationship. And few things are more damaging than the subsequent spin out and fury done in front of, or to, the children of the men and women scorned.

How bad-mouthing your spouse affects your kids

• Karen is 43 years old and still talks about the pain she went through when her parents divorced. Her father left her mother for another woman. For decades afterwards, Karen’s mother repeatedly told Karen what a cheater her father was. She made visitations a constant fight and she spent many years trying to turn Karen against her father. To say that Karen was put into a loyalty bind would be a gross understatement. She was not allowed to have any positive feelings for her father without her mother taking it as a personal affront to her. The divorce altered Karen’s life; the constant fighting between her parents damaged Karen’s wellbeing.
• Sally and Ken are divorced. During the marriage, Ken was emotionally abusive to Sally and their two children. After the divorce, Ken continues to be emotionally abusive. He tells the children how incompetent their mother is, he makes fun of her, he bullies his way into her home and dismisses Sally’s attempts to set limits. Sally’s children are growing to hate their father and learning to dismiss their mother.
• Mary struggled for years to save her marriage. When she was finally done and filed for divorce, Frank was shocked. He alternated between crying, saying he couldn’t live without her, and getting angry, making threats about how hard he would make this divorce. The entire divorce was rife with conflict. Frank would cry to the kids then angrily tell them that their mother “did this”. “She’s the one responsible for breaking up our family!” Their two kids wanted to love their mom and dad, but found it more and more difficult to be around dad. They cried when they had to see him. They begged to not go to his house, and over time, they just refused to go.

The consequences of trash-talking

Disrespecting your ex-partner hurts not only your children and your family, but also yourself. Listed below are just a few of the many repercussions of bad-mouthing your spouse—regardless of how bad a person you think s/he is.

• Carbon copies: Your children are made up of 50 per cent of your genes and 50 per cent of your ex’s genes. When you tell your children what a loser or cheat their mother/father is, they take that in. If you tell them that their parent is that terrible, then they think they must be too. Don’t put that on them.
• Loyalty bind: When you constantly bad-mouth the other parent, you put your children into a loyalty bind. They will feel as though they can’t love both of you without one of you being hurt. Not being able to love one parent because the other parent would be upset is a huge stressor for them.
• Boomerang effect: It is not your job to ‘show’ your children how awful their mother or father is—that’s unhealthy thinking. And it often has an uncanny way of backfiring. Children can get tired of constantly hearing how terrible their father or mother is and begin to hate the parent who’s doing the bad-mouthing—even if the other parent caused the original hurt to the family. Children are keenly insightful; they will see the true colours of both of you. Be sure you’re showing them the colours you want to be known for.
• Creating a template: Children live what they know, they know what they live. When they see two parents attacking one another verbally, emotionally and physically, they take that in as a template of the way to fight. They will internalise the idea that if they’re hurt, upset or mad at someone, they have the right to annihilate that person just as they see you doing to your ex-spouse. This behaviour will wreak havoc in their lives and relationships for years to come. Don’t set them up to internalise this dysfunctional template.
• From difficult to damaging: Divorce is difficult for children under the best of circumstances. However, when done with integrity they will be okay. When you go through divorce in a toxic and bitter way, you make a difficult situation a damaging one. Your children deserve much more from both parents.

The heartbreak and sadness of losing someone you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with can be intense, to say the least. Many, if not most, people who experience divorce go through moments of feeling these intense emotions and, of course, no one goes through the process of divorce perfectly. However, one of the roles of being a parent is to always keep the best interest of your children at the forefront of your mind and at the heart of your choices. As a parent, you don’t have the luxury of letting your anger get the best of you—even in the most difficult of times—and certainly not over and over again for years.

Rise to the occasion. If your ex will not allow that to happen, then have your home be a safe haven from the strife of a bitter, vengeful parent. It will be the greatest gift you could give yourself and your child. Take the high road. Be the parent you would like to have if you were a child in this situation. The biggest gift you can give your children is the gift of an amicable divorce.

This was first published in the January 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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“The magic of first love is our ignorance that it can ever end.”
—Benjamin Disraeli

You had the good vibes going. You were high from the love potions coursing through your body. You were humming all the crazy-in-love songs you’ve ever heard, and for once they made total sense. You had created the honeymoon effect with the love of your life, and you knew that this time it was going to last forever.

Except, it didn’t!

It all came crashing down, and you were left devastated and obsessed with what might have been. And puzzled: how could something so magical degenerate into endless, bickering recriminations, and if you were married, divorce court?

After all, you wanted it to work. You believed it would work. Maybe The Biology of Belief works for other people, you’re thinking, but it doesn’t for you. Yes it does! But there’s a catch, which explains why positive thinking and believing, by themselves, don’t work.

A relationship created by the conscious mind

The catch is that when you bonded so closely with your partner during those first blissful days and months, your behaviours and actions were controlled by the processing of your conscious mind. The conscious mind is the ‘creative’ mind, the one that acts on behalf of your wishes and desires. So when the conscious minds of two lovers entangle, together they create magical harmony. Because honeymoon partners are operating from their deepest wishes and desires, the outcome of their interactions is… voilà, heaven on earth!

However, over time, your conscious mind becomes burdened with thoughts dealing with the busy-ness of everyday life—balancing your budget, scheduling your chores and planning your weekend. The processing of the conscious mind shifts from creating the honeymoon experience, to the management and strategies, needed to deal with perceived necessities. The result is that the conscious mind relinquishes behavioural control to default programmes previously stored in the subconscious mind.

How our subconscious mind wreaks relationships

When it comes to partners, there are suddenly four instead of two minds involved. And these two ‘extra’ subconscious minds can wreak havoc on happily-ever-after relationships. When our conscious minds stop paying attention to the moment, we lose control over our honeymoon creation because we unknowingly engage in preprogrammed behaviours we acquired through our developmental experiences. For many couples, once that subconscious programming comes to the fore, the honeymoon glow fades very quickly.

That’s not surprising because the behaviours programmed in the subconscious mind are primarily derived from observing and downloading other people’s behaviours [many of them negative and disempowering]—especially those of your parents, immediate family, community and culture. You start seeing a side of your partner [and yourself] that never emerged during the honeymoon. When the conscious mind stops paying attention to the current moment, you automatically and most importantly, unconsciously engage in behaviours you downloaded from others.

Programmes we learn from our parents

Here’s a scenario that may be all too familiar to you.

You’re basking in the honeymoon effect, full of love for your supportive partner who lights up your life. Then one day you ask him a simple, loving question. He’s not thinking about how good your relationship is. His conscious mind is preoccupied with fixing the car or paying the rent, so he responds reflexively and nastily with a tone that says, “Leave me alone.” Shocked, you respond: “Who are you?”

You have just experienced the moment when honeymoons generally begin to fall apart. He responded so unconsciously that he didn’t even notice how nasty he was. And in his response to what he perceives as a personal ‘attack’ on his character, he starts digging in his heels to defend himself to the death. He’s thinking, she accused me of not being me. I’m the same me I’ve always been. I don’t know what she’s talking about. What’s her problem?

Meanwhile, you’re thinking, where is the loving man I married? Your conscious mind detaches from the current moment, to assess the unpleasant situation in which you now find yourself. Unbeknownst to you, you also unconsciously default to your own formerly hidden subconscious behaviours that you acquired from your family and culture. Now it’s your partner’s turn to be shocked, as his once loving spouse shifts into criticism and blame, as well as other less than loving programmes you downloaded from your parents.

As the daily issues of life increasingly occupy your and your partner’s conscious minds, more disharmonious unconscious behaviour patterns begin to rise to the surface. Soon you both shift from appreciating your partner, to focussing on his or her periodic nasty outbursts. Both you and your partner turn defensive and begin to critique the other’s faults: he never cleans up, she never puts the cap on the toothpaste and so on. All the things you ignored in the first glow of love now start to bug you.

If you met through an online dating service, both of you want your money back! He/she didn’t fill out the questionnaire honestly! But actually, you both filled it out in good faith. You both filled it out consciously—and that’s the rub. Your thoughtful submissions from your conscious minds truly represent the people you aspire to be. Unfortunately, the character of the ‘you’ who answered the questionnaire normally expresses itself only about five per cent of the time. What both partners failed to include in their surveys were the sabotaging and limiting subconscious programmes they acquired from others, which all of us unconsciously engage in about 95 per cent of the time.

Trying to find love again

With the appearance of uninvited behaviours, 95 per cent of the time you and your partner have most definitively left the honeymoon and are back on the road of conventional life. If any of these heretofore unseen, destructive and disturbing behaviours had surfaced on the first day of your relationship, there probably would not have been a second day. Now you’re wondering if you should lower your expectations and accept what your relationship has become because “This is the way life is and I have to accept the bad with the good.” Or will the many compromises you make as you adjust to abusive behaviour become so intolerable that your once seemingly unbreakable bond shatters? You say, “The hell with this. I can’t do this.” And then you go out [again] and try to find what you once had.

The culprit for this repeating cycle is invisible: it’s the behaviours programmed in you and your partner’s subconscious minds. Your conscious mind sent you on the quest to find a loving partner and rejoiced when you found the one, yet your subconscious mind is destroying what you’ve created. But once you know that you’re dealing with four minds in the relationship, and once you know how to change the negative programming of your subconscious minds, you will have the tools to recreate what you’ve lost.

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Vulnerability is good

Emotional and physical independence come easily to men and women these days. I am quite sceptical about ‘open’ and ‘free’ marriages, where husbands and wives give each other the ‘freedom’ to do as they please. Long-distance marriages, which are becoming common nowadays, alarm me.

I always think that it is good to develop a healthy sense of ‘dependence’ on your spouse. I think there is something valuable about a relationship where husband and wife need each other, and are vulnerable without the other’s support.

Are you married strangers?

Consider a couple who are leading “full, active lives” as they put it. The husband is a busy executive; he jet-sets all over the world attending seminars, conferences and business meetings every other day. He entertains customers, foreign collaborators and visiting consultants to lunch or dinner at five-star hotels; and at weekends, he relaxes by playing golf with select friends…

As for the wife, she is ‘into’ yoga and fitness, she visits fashion designers; she is a regular member of the Ladies’ club where she plays cards with her friends every day. She is also learning to design jewellery and hopes to open her own outlet soon.

They are beginning to go in separate revolving circles and are in danger of becoming married strangers. They live under the same roof, eat at the same table and share a bed every night… but they are drifting apart.

They must learn to be flexible. Each should be willing to change, give in just a little for the sake of the marriage. They should spare more time to be in each other’s company. They should spend more time with the children. They should ‘loosen’ their schedules and deadlines so that their marriage does not suffer. They should work for change. They should work to keep their love fresh!

Nobody wants to live an emotionally barren existence. No one likes to live in a separate revolving circle!

The secret is love and patience

A highly respected marriage counsellor tells people: “Take the trouble to study your partner. Make an effort to understand her. Consider him as a rare and fascinating object. Study her constantly. Understand his likes and dislikes. Appreciate her strengths and weaknesses. Be sensitive to his moods and feelings. If you wish to live successfully with your spouse, you must get to know the person better each and every day. You must learn to know what pleases her, you must know what upsets him, you must know when to encourage her and when not to push him too hard. In other words, do not ever take your partner for granted.”

Many men take quick decisions—and having once made up their minds, stick to their guns. Women, on the other hand, have a tough time taking decisions. There are so many issues and considerations which sway them. This calls for a significant adjustment—but it can be accomplished with love and patience.

Keep your love fresh

There was a lady who needed to travel to the US to be with her daughter who was about to give birth to her first child. It was decided that she would travel in February, for the confinement was expected in March. The husband would fly out to join them in April, after the baby was born.

Accordingly, the flight reservations were made. The mother was to fly out on February 1st. On 28^th January, she developed mild blood pressure. The doctor assured them that it was nothing serious, and that she could fly as scheduled.

“I think I’ll fly a little later,” she said to her husband. He readily agreed. The flight was changed to 5^th February, and the daughter was informed.

On 3^rd February, the lady was afflicted with a severe allergy. “I’ll leave on the 10th”, she pleaded with her husband. And he agreed.

On 8th February, she began to suffer from acidity. When the father called his daughter in the US, she said to him, “Papa, I suggest you fly in with Mama. I think she doesn’t want to travel alone without you.”

The husband was a kind and loving man. He said to his wife, “Honey, there’s no need for you to feel so tense. We shall fly together to be with our daughter. Does that make you feel better?”

The wife cheered up instantly. Her numerous afflictions disappeared miraculously. In gratitude and appreciation, she held her husband’s hand and said to him, “Thank you! The truth is that I did not want to leave you and go alone!”

Eventually, the daughter sent them fresh reservations to fly together to the US on the February 14^th—St. Valentine’s Day! They knew how to keep their love fresh!

Excerpted with permission from 10 Commandments of A Successful Marriage by J. P. Vaswani published by Sterling Publishers.

14^th February is Valentine’s Day!

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• Identify the issues
• Set goals
• Implement strategies

Relationship issues can quickly become complicated, causing frustration through lack of insight. Many couples try but feel as though they can’t ‘fix’ the relationship so they emotionally disconnect or, in some cases, separate. This crisis time, however, is ideal for a thorough assessment. If you need help, here’s how to put your relationship under the spotlight.

1  Identify the issues in your marriage:

Think about your life, work hours, weekly activities, children and your stressors. When did things become challenging? How do you treat each other? How do you argue, and how often? Who avoids arguments, who becomes silent and who yells or intimidates? Do you notice any patterns such as: mother puts children first versus emotionally withdrawn father, spontaneous partner versus predictable partner, cat and dog couple [high conflict] or the highly competitive couple? Have you had an affair, or face excessive control or abuse? What is your sex life like? Delve into your childhood challenges, and also think about the communication styles you witnessed in your parent’s relationship? Is additional therapy needed for addiction, workaholism, parenting problems, grief, anger, post-traumatic stress disorder [PTSD] or mental health issues like depression? By ‘going deep’, you can discover the contributing factors in your relationship issues and equip yourself with specific strategies.

2  Set goals:

In solution-focussed therapy, counsellors use the ‘Miracle Questions’ to establish a client’s goals. Ask yourself: a magic wand was waved over this relationship, and it became exactly as I want it when I wake tomorrow, how would it differ from today? When asked, many say, “I would be happy.” Some want ‘fireworks’, and others say, “I would have romance, dating and be in love with my partner again.” Many clients say, “I would have peace. We would all get along well.” Clear goals are vital to success.

What are your relationship goals?

3  Implement strategies:

Irrespective of how complex your issues might be, there same basic tools that you can use to work on your marriage.

The 30 minute rule

Spend at least 30 minutes together per day—quality time—with no distractions such as computers, phones, children or work; enjoy being focussed entirely on each other. Often couples new to therapy have said, “We don’t have time for each other.” One client, when asked to write his life’s priorities down, put his wife 7^th on his list! It was no wonder his marriage was in turmoil. If your spouse and family are your highest priorities, then spend time every day enjoying them. This will keep you united, fulfilled, improve your sex life, reduce your chances of an affair and contribute to your happiness. It doesn’t have to be a chunk of time spent in one go. Spend 10 minutes here, 15 minutes there—spend time first thing in the morning with the family. You can spend time with your spouse when your children are in bed, and have your family time during meals—without the television. In short, become connected again.

Treat your partner like a lover—not a spouse

This step is magical! If you treat your partner like a prince, he will treat you like a princess—eventually. Every word, voice tone, facial expression and every gesture, impacts your relationship profoundly. This step is the fastest way I know to transform a relationship. Become your own editor. Listen, and actively change the way you interact with your spouse. Are your words loving, kind, attentive, compassionate and respectful?  For inspiration, observe new couples.

Stop finding fault and start praising

Many couples that first sit on my couch are filled with complaints. They have become in the habit of complaining about their partner to friends and family, and are viewing their relationship as a glass that is half empty. If you keep looking at your partner through these ‘negative glasses’, you’ll poison the relationship with negativity. Sure, in struggling relationships it’s only human to over-focus on the negative aspects. But this is not helpful because the negative simply flourishes. Make a list of your partner’s strengths and then focus on these. Based on the law of attraction, when we change our energy to positive, we attract more positive experiences—and our relationship is no different. It is astounding how fast a relationship can improve when couples stop criticising and start praising. I have seen couples who were separated rekindle their love and move back in together using this skill.

Manage conflict better

Some couples feel uncomfortable when I explain that arguing is good for marriage. If you don’t have good conflict management skills, and don’t stand up for yourself, you can easily develop resentment from unspoken words, unmet needs and anger that is not discussed. Couples who are not arguing often state they feel caged in, controlled or oppressed. Do you argue well? If not, follow these steps:

1. Don’t have discussions when you are feeling infuriated and your blood is boiling. Wait until you cool down and schedule a meeting.
2. Have this meeting before you go to sleep [as sleeping with inflamed emotions will only aggravate the situation].
3. Conduct this meeting in a quiet place with no distractions. You may use a writing pad as you both take turns in speaking and listening.
4. Discuss the issues in a direct manner. Use assertiveness techniques, by stating needs, wants and feelings from the “I” stance, such as: “I need…” “I want…” or “I feel…”  Do not blame your spouse. For example, instead of saying: “You make me feel lonely” or “You’re always working,” you could say, “I feel lonely” or “I need quality time with you.” In family therapy, direct communication is the most effective… so become direct.
5. Keep the feeling neutral. Do not yell, swear, storm out or become aggressive. Only argue when calm, to avoid nasty words and aggression that you may later regret.

You may need a little extra help assessing your relationship from either a self-help book or a relationship counsellor, to help you identify areas for improvement, set your goals and learn new relationship strategies. Using simple strategies works best to keep your marriage growing. Transforming a relationship from unhappy to blissful is achieved one day at a time, one positive thought at a time, with one interaction at a time! Don’t give up on love. Relationships are hard work, but when you know what to work on, this ‘work’ will be a lot of fun!

This was first published in the March 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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There are couples who may have met at work as employees of the same organisation, tied the knot and chosen to continue to work there in their respective positions. Then there are those who decide to do business together, or share the same professional space like doctors  or creative writers/designers. There are others who may just assist the spouse for a particular project in a limited capacity as an assistant.

Whatever is the case, sharing a work space with your spouse comes with its own challenges and rewards.

Challenges

Graphic designers Mira and Shyam started an animation studio together. He would negotiate deals with the clients and she would do the creative work in the studio. He would often ask her to redo the work saying that the clients’ brief was different and also pressure her to meet deadlines. She felt he was insensitive to her time and energy constraints, unappreciative of her creativity, and that he was having a ball at her cost, travelling alone to strike deals abroad and enjoying 5-star luxuries at the clients’ cost while she was at the studio doing all the hard work. Once when their studio received an international award, he went on stage alone to receive it and that’s when she decided to stop working with him, and do freelance work for other studios. She felt used and he felt abandoned.

Surita who joined her husband’s business to assist in administration and accounting while he focussed on expanding the business, took grave offence when he decided to renovate the office and allot her a cubicle at the back while he made his cabin at the front. She was offended that he did not give her the status of an equal and relegated her to staff and she stopped going to office. This took a huge toll on their relationship and their intimacy, and she moved out to another room.

John and Melissa got along very well as colleagues in the same organisation. They got married and continued their work in the same way. The arguments began when he registered himself for an off-site training at a beach resort but didn’t do the same for her, as he expected her to do her own registrations like she had done in the past. She took offence and assumed that he wanted to go alone and not as a couple. She viewed it as an opportunity to combine work and relaxing togetherness, but thought he wanted to maintain his single status amongst colleagues. She was also upset when he got a chance to work in the London office of the company for six months followed by a promotion, while she continued in the same position at Mumbai. This eroded their relationship, not only as a couple but also as colleagues. Their personal issues percolated into their work and both of them were pulled up by their superiors. They were told that one of them would have to quit the company, and that they preferred that Melissa be the one as her work had not been upto mark. Their relationship ended the day she quit the job.

Nina and Robert were both in stock broking and started their own firm with great enthusiasm. However, there was no agreement on administrative styles, staff matters, how to handle the client interface, the timings of work, and practically every area of the business. There were open and loud arguments at work and at home, without any resolution. Staff would receive conflicting orders from both and clients started getting agitated because they would have to repeat their instructions as they stopped conveying messages to each other. The business suffered, the relationship suffered and above all their children suffered.

David, an ad film director and the joint owner of a production house with his wife, unilaterally decided to invest in very expensive equipment instead of hiring it, as was previously agreed by them. This wiped out most of their savings. Subsequently, the equipment started requiring expensive maintenance contracts, while work was not coming their way, and the company was saddled with this ‘white elephant’ which was depleting their finances. This became a huge contaminant in the relationship. They dissolved their partnership and divided the assets, leaving him with the equipment and her with the office property. They were both bitter, with him seeing her as a fair weather friend, and she seeing him as a betrayer of trust in the relationship.

From the above cases you can see how challenging it can be for a relationship when the couple works together. The work-home interface can get extremely stressful if not maturely and sensitively handled.

The Downside

Let’s enumerate the downside of spouses working together:

1. Work issues are carried back home affecting emotional/physical intimacy as well as personal issues affecting work efficiency. Inability to get out of ‘shop talk’ even at home
2. Claustrophobia and no personal space away from each other [me time] especially if there are arguments, therefore no time to calmly process issues alone
3. Ego hassles on who has the final authority in crucial decision making at work.
4. Competitiveness and score keeping about who works more and contributes more to the profits.
5. Conflicting messages to staff, leading to confused and disgruntled workers.

Rewards

However, there is also a great upside to working with your spouse.

Gretta would crib about the limited time she had with her husband who was a television journalist—till she decided to intern in his research team. Once she saw the dynamism at the news channel office with crazy timelines, she was able to understand and empathise with him about his time constraints. She started snatching whatever time they could have at coffee breaks or accompanying him at important events as his assistant. It made them bond more and a mutual respect was established. They valued every moment they spent together, and the quality of their relationship improved.

Ashok was a surgeon and Komal was a gynaecologist. They had their own nursing home. They often assisted each other in complicated surgeries, and checked into each other’s patients during the post-operative period. They held the fort for each other if the other was unwell or busy elsewhere. So, when she was home with the kids, he would manage all her patients. This doubled their efficiency.

The Upside

The upside of working together therefore can be enumerated as:

1. Efficiency doubles as you can stand in for each other when you are from the same profession or when you know all the aspects of the business. It also increases financial security in the business.
2. No financial irregularities with your spouse, as s/he is equally invested in it as ‘our’ business and not there for personal gains.
3. Both being equally interested in the success of the business, both would willingly work hard and also understand the work demands, time constraints etc. and therefore empathise with the other.
4. Work and pleasure can often be combined while travelling for meetings, conferences etc.
5. New skills acquired by one can be taught to the other if from the same profession.
6. Logistical comforts like commuting to and from work together, having coffee breaks and lunch together at work, thus having more time to catch up and connect compared to other couples.

A Project for ‘the Project’

No significant relationship can survive healthily unless it is given a ‘project status’, and unless it is worked on consistently and maturely by both. Therefore, the work doubles for a couple [the project] who now works together professionally or in a business [a project].

Some ground rules for couples working together are:

1. Separate identities with clear role demarcations based on skill-sets of both, with independent decision-making within those roles and no interference from the other. Suggestions can be asked from and made by the other, but the final authority would lie with the one whose role it is.
2. Major financial decisions and any other big decisions in the running of the business to be made through a mutually respectful consultative process.
3. Separate and equal geographical space for both within the office, which gives a sense of personal identity and aids functionality.
4. De-clutter the work-home interface and actively de-link one from the other to give your best at both places. E.g. To and from work, hear some music in the car, plan a weekend break/holiday, discuss children etc. and actively avoid [or if extremely necessary then ‘timetable’] ‘shop talk’ at home, while also actively avoiding discussing home issues at work.
5. See your work as a manifestation of the team spirit of both, and an example of how well both can work together. Make it a collaboration and not a competition.
6. If there are intricate personal issues that require resolution, keep them ‘on hold’  while at work, and schedule them to be discussed only once you are home. Maintain the sanctity of both spaces.
7. While making work decisions, always ask yourself what’s best for ‘our work’ and what’s best for ‘us’.

This was first published in the May 2013 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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