Standing out means owning who you are

Can you relate to Rachel’s experience? How do you feel about standing out from the crowd? Does the idea excite you and make you smile, or does the very thought strike terror in your heart and make you cringe? If the latter is truer for you, what has been your alternative to standing out?

Many women describe their style as ‘beige,’ ‘predictable,’ ‘decent’ or ‘downright boring.’ Rarely does a woman purposely choose that look. It is usually a response to her deeply-rooted fear of standing out for the wrong reasons; she would rather fade into the woodwork than risk looking silly or inappropriate. The result? Each time she gets dressed, her self-esteem and confidence take a direct hit.

How do you feel about standing out from the crowd? Does the idea excite you or does it strike terror in your heart and make you cringe?

Some people equate standing out with looking flamboyant, outrageous or ostentatious. But that doesn’t have to be true [although those looks certainly do produce a few stares!]. Standing out means owning who you are and celebrating that. And if flamboyant, outrageous or ostentatious is who you are, then celebrate it! You can stand out whether your look is subtle and elegant or dramatic and bold or something else entirely. As long as you display your personality and inner essence, then no matter how you express it, it just looks and feels right.

Respect yourself

Recently, I met with Fiona, who was about to re-enter the dating scene and felt apprehensive. Her most pressing question was, “When should I show cleavage?” Together, we did some work and determined that her personality was primarily gentle, heartfelt and radiant. I could tell just by looking at her that the idea of showing a lot of cleavage felt foreign and uncomfortable. Fiona had a predetermined belief, however, that she was supposed to expose cleavage at some point in her dating experience, so it came as a great relief to her to learn that she never had to if she didn’t want to, especially if it wasn’t true to her essence.

What she really wanted to explore was how to look and feel sexy in a way that was authentic for her. Now, that’s a different story!

You can stand out whether your look is subtle and elegant or dramatic and bold or something else entirely

What about you? What is your look saying about you? What motivation is driving you to choose the outfits you do? Are you trying to blend in and hide [this never really works] or stand out in a way that gives you confidence and feels good?

Dress positively

As with Rachel, women are hesitant about standing out, but this is usually because they don’t know how to do so in a positive way. If you could use a little support in this area, here’s an exercise to help.

The next time you get dressed, rate the outfit you choose to wear on a scale of one to ten.
A ten would mean that you are totally celebrating yourself and dressing authentically with no apologies, and a one would mean that you are hiding as much as is humanly possible. Obviously, the goal is to get to 10!

Next, analyse your look.
What aspect of your style feels like you are trying really hard not to be noticed? Is it the:

• colour [too beige, black or neutral]?
• cut of the outfit [too big, boxy or shapeless]?
• fabric [sweatshirt, or head-to-toe polar fleece]?
• overall style [it looks like your mother, sister or best friend so you can fit in]?
• accessories [or lack thereof]?
• lack of textures or patterns [all smooth solid colours]?

Once you have analysed your current look, make a concerted effort to tweak just one component at a time. Add texture, a touch of colour or some accessories. Keep trying until it feels good and fun.

Let your inner beauty shine

“You are you. Now, isn’t that pleasant?”
— Dr Seuss

Remember, you aren’t trying to stand out just to stand out. This is about feeling empowered to express your inner beauty and authenticity. As with Fiona above who worried about showing cleavage on her dates, you have to determine what feels right for you in your life right now.

Women are hesitant about standing out because they don’t know how to do so in a positive way

To give you an example, Tim describes himself as gentle and mild. He wears delicate colours and soft styles. When he wears a jacket, it is not made of bulky or heavy fabric. Meanwhile, Jack is quirky and colourful. He can wear deep, bold colours and often wears chunky cuff links without it seeming like too much.

The delicious part of all of this is that both Tim and Jack stand out in their own individual way. If Jack toned everything down and tried to be refreshingly gentle and Tim wore brightly-coloured, quirky clothes, they would each feel uncomfortable and self-conscious. They would stand out in a way that felt disingenuous.

Remember Rachel? That’s exactly what she was worried about. As soon as we swapped the high-heeled boots for flat ones, she relaxed and smiled. Her legs still looked long, and the blue sweater still showed off her eyes. But she felt more grounded and at ease. Her internal peace shined through, and this is something others cannot help but notice. She now stood out in a way that reflected her inner beauty.

The same can be true for you. As you build your personal style, step by step, and begin to make positive changes, you will find the styles and garments that genuinely reflect who you are. That’s the sweet point where standing out as you has a whole new, delightful meaning!

A version of this was first published in the December 2013 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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I remember meeting my father’s accountant many years ago in the 1980’s. He was  charming and oozed charisma. As a keen student of human behaviour, I would admire his traits and wish that perhaps some day I could be liked and respected as he was.

Now, decades later, I have identified five core elements of people with charisma. These are not traits that you are necessarily born with, but are habits you can develop with practice.

They smile a lot

Charismatic people are not stingy with their smiles. They smile easily and naturally, and even to strangers or in challenging situations. It’s a part of who they are. Think of a person that you know is charismatic and I’m sure their smiling face is what you will remember. Even though it takes more facial muscles to frown than to smile, some people seem to prefer the former! The smile of the charismatic person can be seen as a welcoming and comforting beacon of energy.

They have a positive attitude

Setbacks hit us all. Failures, disappointments and down times often lead people to viewing situations with a negative attitude. Charismatic people often have a great attitude, looking at failure as an opportunity to learn, adapt and grow. They know how to take action, viewing failure as a signpost for a new direction. When working in a team or group, charismatic people will often attempt to lift their colleagues up from the floor of disappointment. To charismatic men and women, attitude really is everything.

They know to focus their attention

When you are in conversation with a charismatic person, they are totally engrossed and attentive to what you are saying. You can almost feel that you are the only person in the room when they are speaking to you. It makes you feel special and important, emotions that we all like to feel. They maintain eye contact and are not fidgety or distracted by the environment or their phone. Time can seem to disappear when you talk to a charismatic person, as they can be very charming, interesting and oozing with positive energy. Think of the opposite as being with someone who is blaming, complaining and judging the world constantly, whilst wearing a scowl on their face! This can be energetically draining for you.

Their confidence is high

Charismatic individuals generally don’t pay attention to what people are thinking about them. They exude confidence and have a good level of self-esteem. You can tell this by the way they speak, and also the vocabulary that they use. They don’t like to gossip or put people down. They also take no pleasure in seeing other people feel bad about themselves in general conversations or social situations. Because they are confident, they will not try and have the last word, or even have any need to be ‘correct’ in a discussion. This reveals their high degree of self-awareness. And remember, nobody is born with high confidence. Increasing your confidence is a daily exercise and it’s about choosing to the do the very things you feel nervous or self-conscious about.

They enjoy having fun

Last but not least, charismatic people like to have fun. They don’t mind being the butt of jokes, often having a self-deprecating sense of humour. They like to live in the fully utilised now [F.U.N.], and enjoy every moment and challenge that life can throw at them. Because of this element of fun in their life, they tend to be a magnet for people who are on that similar wavelength of fun. A charismatic person will not publicly complain about any problems in their life, rather always focussing on that fun, and opportunity seeking feeling of abundance. They are sensitive to other peoples feelings of negativity, and try not to introduce any negativity into conversations.

Charismatic people have certain ways of behaving and carrying themselves which makes them insanely likeable. We want to know them, be like them and have friends like them. In many ways, you could describe them as ‘human behaviour at it’s best’.

Pro-tip

Take a journal and ask yourself how you could improve in yourself the five core elements listed above. You could even ask a trusted friend, where you could improve. Self improvement always starts with self awareness.

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We all love the sound of our children’s laughter and their squeals of excitement. Their giggles and chatter are like sweet music to our ears. But what happens when our little bundles of joy turn into little bundles of trouble. “If children won’t be naughty now, then when,” is what some well meaning people may say to you. But if your child’s mischief transgresses the line of innocence into annoyance, you have to step in and opt for some corrective measures. So how does one decide where to draw the line and how to address the issues that come up?

Simple mischief or unruly behaviour

A child can be said to be engaging in unruly behaviour if:

• The intensity of his behaviours repeatedly disrupts the environment [be it home or outside]
• He is unable to control his mischief even in situations where maintaining discipline is mandatory
• Repeated bad consequences have no impact on his behaviour.

Why your child might be a menace

• Personality: All of us are born with innate characteristics. Some of us are reserved, some of us more exuberant. This is part of our genetic makeup. Thus, while some children are inherently quieter, others are more energetic, some may be thoughtful, others impulsive. Needless to say, children who are impulsive, spontaneous and high on energy may tend to get into more scrapes and tussles compared to the quieter ones. As parents, we have to understand the personality of our child, and introduce disciplinary measures accordingly.
• Parental approach to discipline: Just like children, parents have varying personalities as well. Some of us may be strict disciplinarians, others might be fairly lenient, and still others might be completely permissive. Sometimes a child may also express his or her rebelliousness or displeasure over something by being extremely mischievous and disobedient.
• Health and nutrition: A healthy, well-fed, well-rested child is far less likely to engage in unruly behaviour compared to an ill-nourished child. The importance of ensuring that your child eats a healthy and nutritious diet, and gets his required amount of sleep cannot be undermined. Children often do not realise that they are hungry, sleepy, or tired and these conditions manifest in the form of disruptive or irritable behaviour.
• Unhappy home atmosphere: If a child is growing up in a home that is rife with conflict or unhappiness of any kind, he is far more likely to be notorious. This is because children find it difficult to articulate their fears, anxieties and insecurities. The only way they know how to communicate is through behaviours that will ensure the attention of the adults around them.
• Developmental disorders: At times children may display disruptive, destructive, or hyperactive behaviours because they may be suffering from a developmental or psychological condition. Autistic disorder, Asperger’s syndrome, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder and conduct disorder are some childhood psychological conditions that may manifest in the form of defiant or disruptive behaviour. Childhood depression, which is far more common than it is believed to be, is also expressed by children through such behaviours, as is evident from the example that follows.

Six-year-old Dhriti was a happy child, who always got along well with her friends and did well in academics. When she started her third year in school, there was a marked change in her behaviour. At the slightest provocation she would hit other children in class, and when reprimanded by her teacher, would burst into a fit of tears. She no longer focussed on her studies and her grades began dropping. At home she had become very disobedient and untidy. On counselling her, it was discovered that her behaviour was triggered after the birth of her younger sister because all the attention was being showered on the newborn. Her parents had, unknowingly, not been giving her enough attention and hence she sought other ways to get them to look at her.

Dealing with disruptive kids

Unfortunately, there is no one formula that would fit all children and in different situations. We have to look at our child, his personality makeup, his specific triggers and issues, and figure out what works best for him. Here are some tips for you to begin with.

• Make sure your child has a set daily routine. Ensure that the child wakes up at more or less the same time every day, eats, naps, studies, plays in a routine that is comfortable and familiar to her. As parents, you have to be flexible with the schedule, especially with younger and more spontaneous children. However, children need the security of a structured environment to help them make sense of the world around them.
• Ensure proper rest and nutrition. Children will naturally gravitate towards junk food. Balance that with wholesome and healthy food as per your child’s preferences. Make sure your child gets enough sleep. Insist on a time by which your child has to be in bed daily; this is true for younger as well as older children!
• Provide moderate but consistent discipline. One does not need to become a dictator to ensure compliance. At the same time, being completely permissive will not teach the child the necessity to control his desires and impulses. And remember, the earlier you teach your child these lessons, the better he will be able to internalise this.
• Communicate. If your family is going through some crisis or trauma, please talk to your child about it. No matter what his age. We often make the mistake of shielding our child from reality. However, children are perceptive. They know when something is wrong. And when we don’t talk to them about it, they draw their own conclusions. So whatever it is that you as a family are going through—a divorce, an illness, a financial crisis, a house change—talk to your children about it. Share your feelings, and help them share theirs. This will enable them to express their worries through words rather than through inappropriate behaviours.
• Accept your child’s personality and work around it. Don’t push a shy child to perform in front of an audience. Don’t ridicule an imaginative child for his daydreaming. An impulsive child will need to be given advance preparation for a social function, given repeated reminders on expected behaviours, and perhaps even given an opportunity to rehearse those behaviours. You might want to give the child some quiet time or engage him in a quiet activity before getting into a social situation where he is likely to misbehave.
• When in doubt, evaluate: As parents, you will be the first one to sense if there is something wrong with the child. If you get the slightest doubt that your child’s misbehaviour is not due to any of the usual issues, and could be due to some underlying disturbance or disorder, do not hesitate to consult experts. You can talk to your school counsellor, a psychologist, a developmental paediatrician or a psychiatrist. Go for a complete psychological evaluation that will help pinpoint the exact profile of the child, so that corrective measures can be taken.

Lastly, keep perspective. It bears repeating that every child is his own little person, and his or her behaviour is an expression of a combination of things—the personality, the environment, people around them, challenges he or she faces. Our job as parents, at all times, is to ensure that we inculcate the right behavioural responses in the child, and when the child does not comply, rather than reacting, try to understand what are the triggers behind such behaviours and work towards alleviating those triggers.

This was first published in the February 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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