How attachment style affects adult relationships

Basically, attachment impels us to seek psychological and physical support from our partners so that we feel safe. When our emotional needs are fulfilled by our partners, we become confident and more outward-looking.

Our attachment patterns also impact our physical health. A study conducted by psychiatrist Brian Baker, examined the influence of marital partners on people with mild blood pressure. Those who reported being in robust marriages benefited from spending time with their spouses, i.e., their blood pressure actually reduced. On the other hand, those in non-optimal marriages experienced an increase in blood pressure when their partners were present. Our partners also play a role in how we view ourselves, thereby heightening or undermining our sense of self-efficacy.

According to Levine and Heller, two dimensions underlie our attachments styles. The first relates to our “comfort with intimacy” or whether we avoid getting too close to our partner. The second dimension reflects our anxiety about our partner’s “love and attentiveness.”

A secure attachment style involves low anxiety and avoidance. Secure adults are comfortable with closeness and exude warmth and love. An anxious style entails a high degree of doubt and uncertainty regarding the relationship yet the person is comfortable with intimacy. Anxious people tend to require constant reassurance from their partners. An avoidant style, in contrast, implies that the person is uncomfortable with closeness but is not anxious about the relationship. Avoidant individuals prize their independence more than the relationship. The anxious-avoidant style includes high degrees of both anxiety and avoidance.

The vast majority of people fall under the secure group, about a quarter are avoidant and around 20 percent are anxious. A small subset, less than 5 percent, fall into the meld of anxious-avoidant.

What determines our attachment style

Adult attachment research suggests that, when it comes to relationships, we tend to behave in a “predetermined manner.” Our attachment patterns in adulthood stem from our genetic predispositions, childhood attachment patterns with our parents and our experiences in life, including past romantic relationships. Further, attachment patterns seem slightly mutable with one in four people shifting to a different style over a span of four-years, on average. Levine and Heller also assert that we shouldn’t necessarily view the anxious and avoidant styles as “pathological”, only different.

You may assess your own attachment pattern using the Experience in Close Relationship (ECR) questionnaire, that is available online here [takes just few mins to complete].

Researchers have observed that avoidants rarely pair up together, possibly because neither of them can create the emotional bond that holds two people together. People who are secure wish to be close to their partners. At the same time, they are not antsy about getting rejected and give each other sufficient space, both physical and psychological. They are neither clingy nor distant. However, sometimes, a secure person may be too forgiving of a partner’s misdemeanors and may even feel completely responsible for their “partner’s wellbeing.” If you are a generally secure person, but start doubting yourself or find yourself behaving in odd, mistrustful ways, chances are that you are enmeshed in an unhealthy relationship.

Those who are anxious don’t have issues with intimacy. However, they are overly sensitive to the tiniest of “perceived threats to this closeness”. They are highly emotional and tend to feel overwhelmed when this happens. As they are flooded with dread, they are unable to communicate their actual feelings to their partners and may behave in inexplicable ways, creating a lot of tension and drama.

If the partner of an insecure person is “sensitive and nurturing enough,” they may be able to quell their partner’s anxiety by reassuring them of being loved. Once the anxious person feels validated, their oversensitivity can actually be a bonus because they are attuned to their partner’s needs and moods.

If you are the one with an anxious attachment style, then you need to be aware that your emotional system tends to be hypervigilant and easily aroused. Instead of reacting to every slight, remind yourself that you tend to latch onto false and hasty assumptions while catastrophizing minor misdemeanors. Also, learn to assert yourself by stating your needs for connection and reassurance explicitly. Further, if you are anxious, you may avoid partnering with someone who has an avoidant style as those two styles tend to exacerbate the worst traits in the other.

Here’s what to do if you have an avoidant style

According to Levine and Heller, avoidants tend to view their partners as needy, especially if they are anxious. Additionally, they don’t necessarily acknowledge that they too have needs and insecurities. They also overemphasise the importance of self-reliance, not realising how deeply interconnected and dependent we all are as human beings. Unfortunately, avoidants are often not consciously aware of these thought patterns.

If you are an avoidant, building your self-awareness is the first step towards a warmer and more satisfying relationship. Instead of overstating the need for self-reliance, try to value mutual support. Notice and appreciate positives in your partner more often. Levine and Heller also note that avoidants, just like anxious individuals, grow more secure when they are paired with someone with a secure attachment style.

If you are paired with an avoidant partner, don’t hesitate to assert your need for closeness. If they pull back or make you feel extremely needy, when in fact you are not, consider seeking help from a couples counsellor or relationship expert.

Communication is the key

While two people with secure attachment styles are likely to have a harmonious relationship, research shows that “mixed” couples—i.e., wherein one partner is secure and the other insecure (either anxious or avoidant)—also fare just as well in terms of functioning and conflict resolution. Whatever your attachment style, all relationships benefit from effective communication, wherein both partners can express their authentic needs in respectful ways without feeling judged or belittled by the other. In a true partnership, both partners are sensitive and responsive to each other’s needs while allowing the other to “become the best person” he or she can be.

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If you’re in a relationship with a self-loathing person, what can you do to strengthen your relationship while helping your partner—and yourself? I’ll tell you.

Understanding What Is Self-Loathing Behavior

Self-loathing people believe they are not good enough

At the most basic level, self-loathing people feel they are not good enough for their partners. To some extent, this is natural: love is often accompanied by feelings of awe and admiration, but people who don’t love themselves take these feelings too far.

A self-loather’s thought pattern is something like this: “Why should this person be with me when there are so many better people out there?” If this sounds like your partner, your first impulse is to praise them, to reassure them of their worth. While this is admirable and kind, self-loathing people are likely to dismiss or deflect such praise, feeling that they don’t deserve it. They may even interpret it as patronizing rather than sincere, if you repeat it often. It may also intimidate the self-loathing person, who may look at the praise as something they have to live up to while worrying that they can’t. This only compounds their feelings of inadequacy.

Self-loathers tend to be oversensitive to your choice of words

Self-loathing people are sensitive to wording; they are naturally disposed to take things badly, so they project their own feelings of inadequacy onto what other people say to them. This puts an extra burden on you, the partner, to be especially careful when giving criticism.

Any criticism you give is often blown out of proportion. It also reinforces your partner’s feelings of inadequacy. Furthermore, because of a lack of faith in himself or herself, your partner takes even minor criticism as a sign that you are reconsidering the relationship, and fears that every little mistake may be the last straw.

A self-loather suffers from jealousy and fear of abandonment

To make things worse, this ‘crisis of faith’ suffered by the self-loathing person may also show up in expressions of paranoid jealousy. Every person they see you talking to [especially of the opposite gender] seems better in comparison to themselves.

This makes them worry constantly that you will abandon them for somebody else. [This can be especially maddening for self-loathing people when coupled with their guilt over preventing you from meeting other people!]

It is natural for you to interpret these displays of jealousy as distrust and take it as a reflection of you. But remember, it’s more likely based on how your self-loathing partner perceives his or her low worth and value to you.

Self-loathing individuals are motivated by their own shortcomings

It is natural to think that self-loathing people are needier than most, but the truth is more complicated. Some self-loathing people seek out in their partners what they find lacking in themselves: success, good looks, intelligence, or confidence. [Ironically, this backfires as they later find themselves tortured by feelings of inadequacy when they compare themselves to the ‘superior’ partners!]

At first you may be flattered by this admiration, but over time you come to realize that your partner values you not for yourself, but rather for his or her own perceived shortcomings—and that probably isn’t what you want in the long term.

Self-loathers are reluctant to accept any help

There’s another way in which many self-loathing people do not fit the picture of the needy partner: they often reject help when it is clearly needed and sincerely offered. They are reluctant to seek out or accept help for the same reason they reject praise: they do not feel they deserve it, and they don’t want to impose on anyone else, especially you.

How to Deal With a Self-Loathing Partner

Regularly reassure your partner about what truly matters

Dealing with a self-loathing partner can be a delicate balancing act. You deserve to express your own issues and concerns, but you must also keep in mind how sensitive your partner is.  You have to assure your partner that small problems are not important in the big picture, that you both botch up from time to time—and that none of these issues signal the end of the relationship [though continued friction over them might].

Many of us desire sensitivity in a partner, of course, but dealing with extreme sensitivity can be both frustrating and exhausting, and may be more than you want—or deserve—to handle. If you’re with such a person, his or her reluctance to accept help may be especially hard on you. However, the fact that you are with such a person means that you are caring and patient. You understand who you’re with, and you naturally want to help your partner deal with his or her issues.

But the very nature of these issues causes your partner to push you away, refuse help, and possibly alienate you. Out of all the difficulties that partners of the self-loathing individuals face, this may be the most fatal to the long-term health and success of the relationship, since your essential caring nature is being denied. It’s natural to feel frustrated.

Don’t forget to prioritize self-care

While your self-loathing partner has her issues with which you naturally want to help [even if you can’t], you must not forget to take care of yourself as well. Your partner must keep in mind that, as selfless as you may seem, you also have needs that deserve to be met.

It is each partner’s choice to be in a relationship, but it is also each partner’s prerogative to end it—and you have every right to leave if you’re not getting what you need because you’re always thrust into the position of dealing with your partner’s problems.

Despite your natural kindness and patience, please keep this in mind: Don’t let your partner’s failure to love themselves make you forget to love yourself.

Last updated on 29^th March 2023

The post In a Relationship With a Self-Loathing Person? appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.