• Stop waiting to pursue your dreams
• Start small, improve along the way
• “Don’t compare your inside to other people’s outsides”
• Do this to challenge your self-limiting beliefs
• Know that embarrassment and rejection are small risks
• View failure as a sign that you’re on your way to succeed

Stop waiting to pursue your dreams

There are times when you put your dreams to one side. You might tell yourself that life is fine just the way it is, that you don’t need to constantly strive for more. But as aspirants of self-growth will know, putting yourself off can only last for so long.

Perhaps for now, you’re in a happy little cocoon, just waiting for the right time when you can pop out and show the world your colours. But if you’re not careful, you’ll stay in there for longer and longer, until you’ve forgotten just why you were so keen to get out in the first place.

It took me years to kick-start my life coaching business. Why? Because I was afraid. I was afraid of getting out of my comfort zone, but I didn’t quite realise it at the time. If you’ve been holding back from trying to achieve your own dreams, then you might find some truth in what I’m going to share with you.

Start small, improve along the way

What keeps us in our cocoons, afraid to burst forth and show the world how amazing we are?

For many of us, it’s the fear of never being quite ready. We tell ourselves that we’ll launch our business, go for that dream job or start that new project some day— when our website is just right, our CV is perfect, and when we have enough time or money to really get going.

Don’t wait to be perfect. The truth is that you might never have enough time or money, and your website/CV will never be perfect. When you wait to be perfect before getting started, you find the wait never ends. Nobody is perfect, and the universe is not going to line up the perfect set of circumstances and say “OK, NOW is the time to start!”

This doesn’t mean that you should release a half-baked idea out into the world, or publish a website with no content. What it does mean is that you stop holding yourself to impossibly high standards before you start to make your mark on the world. Start small, and improve along the way. My website has changed a lot from when I first published it, and I’ll continue to change it along the way —but I published it way back at the beginning, because I knew I never would if I kept waiting for it to be perfect.

“Don’t compare your inside to other people’s outsides”

So what is this fixation with being perfect that seems to have holding us back? It appears that from somewhere we’ve got the idea that all the other successful people out there have ‘cracked it’—that they’re perfect, flawless, and know what they’re doing.

It’s important to question these thoughts. Do you really think that those people you admire don’t have fears and doubts, too? That they didn’t start from a similar place, wracked with nerves, wondering what the world would make of them? Remember that all you know of other people is what they show you. They may appear confident, but you don’t know what happens in their heads.

A friend of mine once told me, “Don’t compare your inside to other people’s outsides.” You might be afraid, you might not feel talented or beautiful enough, but those people who seem to have it all might have the same thoughts. If you act confident and smile, few people will be able to tell how you really feel.

Do this to challenge your self-limiting beliefs

Many of us are kept in our cocoons by our self-limiting beliefs. These are thoughts like “I’ll never be good enough”, “nobody will buy my product” and “how can I be as good as she is?”

You’ve probably heard plenty about how to deal with these thoughts. Ignore them. Recognise where they’re coming from—whether they’re your mother or the entire media taking up home in your head without your permission. I say that you should add a new thought to them, which is—“so what?”

Perhaps you won’t be the best at what you do. Some people might not like you. Maybe it will all go wrong. But so what? What is the worst possible thing that can happen if you get out there and just TRY to get noticed, to publish your book, to get that new job or to move somewhere new? Yes, it might all go wrong. But isn’t that what makes life interesting and exciting?

Know that embarrassment and rejection are small risks

Yes, some risks can be too much. I’m not saying that you should use your kids’ college fund on a business venture that you haven’t even researched. But weigh the risks, and if you find that the worst case scenario is that you feel a bit embarrassed and rejected, then do it anyway— because the alternative is staying in your cocoon, regretting that you never tried to taste the sunlight.

One of my favourite ways to get out there and do something daring is to imagine that it isn’t really me doing it. I become a character in a story, I play somebody who is far braver and more confident than I am, and I go along with her and see what will happen. If she trips up, I laugh with her—realising that it isn’t the end of the world if things don’t go her way.

View failure as a sign that you’re on your way to succeed

Finally, learn to have some compassion for yourself. If you don’t succeed straight away, don’t beat yourself up or feel angry with yourself for getting it wrong. Recognise that you are just a human being, trying to do your best in the world, and treat yourself with the same love and compassion that you would give a friend. And remember that if things don’t work out straight away, you have not failed—‘failure’ just means that you haven’t found the winning combination yet.

So get out there and step into the sunlight. For after chrysalis, from every cocoon emerges a beautiful butterfly.

The post Stop waiting to pursue your dreams appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

What are you afraid of? We all have so many fears, large and small. There are so many things that scare us, worry us, or make us anxious. Apart from the obvious causes, there are also things like the fear of failing. Even in the face of success, we sometimes feel fearful. If we get the job we are going after, we maybe worried we won’t like it, or we won’t live up to other peoples’ expectations. Then, there is the fear of different kinds of loss, and ultimately the fear of death.

In this world, if we think something is desirable and we want it, we may pray to get it, or try to get into the positive thinking groove and focus on our attempt to acquire it. But the whole time we are desiring something—planning for it and doing what we think we need to get it—there is this gnawing feeling, this anxiety, and fearfulness that maybe we won’t get it.

Then, as soon as we get what we want, we are always in anxiety that something is going to happen to it. It’s going to get damaged, or we are going to lose something or someone. When we finally do lose the things and people we have grown attached to, and that we thought we desperately needed, we experience another type of fear and anxiety;connected to the loss itself. As unpleasant as this fear is,it is part of material existence. The truth is that we can never be at peace because of the constant presence of this fear.

We can understand from all yogic scriptures and great saintly teachers that all fear is ultimately rooted in the fear of death. The fear of death is so overwhelming that as soon as we are put in the proximity of a dead body, or in a situation where we might suddenly lose our life, we experience a dramatic change in consciousness.

One of the spiritual masters in our lineage,from a couple of hundred years ago, wrote a beautiful song which has this line, “kamala-dala-jala, jivana-talamala”. It means that this life is tottering just like a drop of water on a lotus leaf. If you have ever seen a large lotus leaf with a drop of water on it, the water collects together in a round drop which rolls about on the leaf. Because it is not fixed or stable, at any second it can simply roll off the leaf and be gone. This represents our life in this body. It is so precarious and at any moment it can be lost.

Why do we fear death?

Why are we so afraid of it? The reality is that death is the great disrupter. At death, everything is thrown into chaos. When someone has a critical illness,where they are slowly wasting away, even when people have had one or two months of preparation, when that spouse or friend finally dies, it is utterly devastating. We have a desire for permanence. We cling vainly to the hope that all the circumstances of our life will be permanent. But death demonstrates that all relationships and all possessions are impermanent. This world is impermanent by nature.

According to the great sages, the pain that we experience from the death of a loved one, or any fearful situation, is meant to be a learning experience for us, so that we will seek a solution to our suffering. One of the biggest freak-outs associated with death is fear of the unknown. What is going to happen to me? What will the experience of death be like?

The foundation of our desire for permanence can be found in our own spiritual nature. We, the living beings, are eternal. If you look at animals, or even the lowest of forms of life like bacteria, they all struggle against death. Death goes against everything fundamental to our eternal spiritual nature.

The material conception of life is that we are our bodies, and fear is inseparable from this material conception of life. As long as we cling to this misconception, fear will exist. The hearts of the great saintly persons, the great yogis,are filled with pain from observing the suffering of,not just humanity, but of all forms of life. They see the suffering, fear, and lack of fulfillment associated with material existence, and they understand it is both unfortunate and unnecessary.

This “I am my body” misconception is born of ignorance, and ignorance causes pain. We cannot separate them. According to the degree that we are covered by and acting in ignorance, we will experience pain—the greater the ignorance, the greater the pain. Knowledge,however, means freedom from pain. Knowledge results in spiritual blissfulness. If we look at a person who is not living in ignorance, we will find that such a person is enlightened and peaceful.

One who is not disturbed in mind even amidst the threefold miseries or elated when there is happiness, and who is free from attachment, fear and anger, is called a sage of steady mind. Bhagavad-Gita 2.56

The Vedas divide the miseries of this world in three categories

The first is Adhidaivika. The suffering we experience from natural calamities and things that are beyond our control. Then you have Adhibhautika– miseries that are caused by other living beings, whether it’s our partner, children, or parents, or even a so-called ‘enemy.’ These living entities also include, for example,mosquitoes that bite us and infect us with disease, or ingesting something with bacteria that causes us to have diarrhea and fever. Finally, there is Adhyātmika–the miseries that are due to our own body or mind, such as if we fall down and break an arm, or if our mind is disturbed with worries and fears.

But when a person is equal in both happiness and distress, and is free from attachments, fear, and anger, they are called a sage of steady mind. Their mind is in a very calm and stable condition. The only reason that we can exist in that state is due to spiritual knowledge. Spiritual knowledge destroys the darkness of ignorance. When everything is dark and you turn on the light, instantly the darkness is dissipated. In the same way, knowledge instantly evaporates the darkness of ignorance. The process for cultivating spiritual knowledge is to hear from spiritual authorities – the great spiritual teachers. Hearing also means reading the instructions found in the yoga scriptures. By accepting such instruction, we make it part of our personal practice. This spiritual path requires focus and dedication. If we are able to practice under the guidance of a proper spiritual teacher, we begin to taste a form of sweetness and happiness that continuously increases and grows. It is very transformative for our life. This knowledge is an awakening, and we see things from a completely different perspective.

In the final chapter of the Bhagavad-Gita, Krishna is speaking to Arjuna: Oh son of Prtha, that understanding by which one knows what ought to be done and what ought not to be done, what is to be feared and what is not to be feared, what is binding and what is liberating, this is in the mode of goodness. Bhagavad-Gita 18.30

Krishna explains that there are different types of knowledge. Knowledge in the mode of goodness is completely enlightening. However, the so-called knowledge that people generally cultivate in this world, more often just academic knowledge,is considered in the mode of ignorance,if it contributes to their increased material entanglement.

Spiritual knowledge teaches us what is to be done and what is not to be done. In the beginning, refraining from what should not be done may be a little difficult. But, as we begin to tread ever so carefully down the spiritual path, there is an internal transformation. There are spiritual insights, an awakening, and the development of a wonderful and joyful spiritual flavor to life.

The Bible states: “And fear not them which kill the body, but are not able to kill the soul: but rather fear him which is able to destroy both soul and body.” Matthew 10:28

The soul can actually never be killed, but the light of your spiritual life can be extinguished, by becoming completely covered by ignorance. In this case, it is like the death of the soul.

In the Bhagavad-Gita, it says: In this (spiritual) endeavor there is no loss or diminution, and a little advancement on this path can protect one from the most dangerous types of fear. Bhagavad-Gita 2.40

We exist with all kinds of fears that are often buried deep inside us, only surfacing from time to time. Because we live in this continual state of fear, we are not always aware of our actual situation.

The post Fearfulness: Life Lessons From the Bhagavad-Gita appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

These birds hunt for food in the mornings, I know. But why are some of them flying so high in the sky? I can’t help but wonder. Surely they won’t find food on the clouds. It seems they are just enjoying being birds. Have wings, will fly. Some are flying in pairs, enjoying companionship in the midst of clouds. The clouds themselves are continuing on their journey; those that were adorning the sky just a few minutes ago are not to be seen; new ones have appeared. They are drifting continuously, sometimes hiding the mighty sun, and covering up most of the blue sky.

A thought occurs to me: I am so preoccupied with my life that mostly I remain unaware of a great unalterable truth—that I am a part of a much greater whole. I am flowing in the river of an incredible consciousness, unconsciously! My attention turns to the wonderful trees and flowers and another thought arises. As humans, we think of everything in terms of its utility to us. We’ve become economists, all of us. “Does it fulfil any demand?”, we ask. If not, it’s useless. We haven’t spared even flowers, whose beauty cannot be grasped by the human intellect. We have made them into a commercial proposition—growing them for sale. We’re civilized, we say, but does civilization mean being so disconnected from nature? Why has greed overshadowed everything else? Why has it colored every thought and every deed of humans?

Going with the flow

Meanwhile, the white clouds have now disappeared from the scene altogether. But they are there somewhere, moving along to some place they themselves don’t know; they are surrendered to nature. If they are conscious, they are wise; they offer no resistance. I wish I could ride the clouds—it would be so much fun, moving at a gentle pace to I don’t know where. When I have no destination, it doesn’t matter where I reach, it’s still the right place. And that’s how it is with life. If I have no resistance to what is unfolding, I will never be anxious about where I’ll end up.

No wonder animals and birds don’t need psychiatrists, I reckon. They live in absolute uncertainty, accepting whatever comes their way. They don’t think about future and so have no anxiety. Their fears too are instinctive—when there is clear and present danger—unlike ours, which are mostly psychotic, created by our overactive minds.

It’s time to go, get ready for work. As I leave the scene, I realize that we can learn so much from Nature—if only we would pay attention.

The post Float like the clouds, fly like the birds appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

For a while, the cat was happy and relieved but soon he became afraid of a ferocious dog in the neighborhood. So he again sought the miracle man, who turned him into a dog. But the dog began to fear the panther who lived in the nearby cave. So this time the magician turned the dog into a panther thinking that this was the last time he’d see the distraught creature. But it was not to be. The panther, with all its strength and abilities, still lived in fear—of the hunter. When the miracle man learned this, he turned the panther back into a mouse, saying, “Nothing I do for you is going to be of any help because you have the heart of a mouse.”

This allegory has a deep lesson for those of us who, like the mouse, are always afraid. So many of us live in perpetual fear: fear of not having enough, fear of illness and death, fear of rejection, fear of losing their loved ones, fear of failure, and even fear of success!

It’s An Internal Matter

People try to protect themselves from threatening situations and circumstances by building a cocoon around them. What they don’t realize is that no matter what they do to change their circumstances, their terror will not go away. That’s because, it resides inside their heart.

The mouse in our story never learned this lesson. He kept seeking external solutions to an internal problem, changing his form while his essence remained unchanged. Each transformation brought temporary relief, but the underlying fear persisted because he never examined what was happening within.

The real problem is with the irrational fear of uncertainty that keeps us wanting to cling to everything in our lives—money, possessions, relationships, reputation, you name it. The miracle man is reminding us that this fear has little to do with the outer world. We may acquire good health, lots of wealth, and a great social standing—but will continue to live in fear unless we strengthen our hearts. In other words, we may acquire the body of a lion, but it’s of no use if we continue to have the heart of a mouse.

To be sure, I am not referring to the instinctive, physiological fears that all of us feel when we sense physical danger. Such fears are necessary—they helps us identify and stay away from legitimate threats.

How To Deal With Fear

The only way out of the cage of your fears is to face your mental and emotional insecurities—your personal demons—head on. When you do so, they disappear, leaving you free as a bird. This happens because up close, you see the fears for what they are—an illusion created by your thinking.

When left unexamined, fear becomes your master. It dictates your choices, limits your possibilities, and keeps you small. But when you turn toward it with curiosity rather than avoidance, you discover that the monster you’ve been running from is nothing more than a shadow on the wall.

Seen from this perspective, the miracle man’s final act wasn’t cruelty—it was wisdom. By returning the creature to its original form, he was saying that true strength cannot be given; it must be cultivated from within. The heart of a mouse will always find something to fear, no matter how powerful the body that houses it.

You have a choice, then: you can continue to live as mice, scurrying from one fear to another, or you can do the deeper work of transforming your heart into one that is much more courageous.

Try this next time fear grips you

Instead of panicking or running for cover, stay with the feeling—allow it to immerse you in its flavour. Observe the feeling without condemning or judging it. Try to touch it, feel it, smell it. What’s the texture? Does it have any color? Any taste? Like Pema Chödrön would say, get intimate with your fear. Get to know it inside-out. Doing so will strengthen your heart and fortify your spirit, and fear will never again be your nemesis.

Here’s a Step-by-Step Guide to Dealing With Fear

Freedom from fear isn’t complex, but it does requires persistence. Here’s how I suggest you begin:

1. Don’t escape. The moment you feel fear rising, resist your first instinct to escape. This is where most people fail—they immediately look for distractions or ways to avoid the discomfort. Instead, plant your feet and stay put.

2. Turn toward the fear. Face it directly. Look at it the way you would examine an interesting object. What does this fear actually feel like in your body? Where do you sense it most strongly?

3. Get curious, not critical. Don’t judge yourself for being afraid. Don’t try to talk yourself out of it. Simply observe what’s happening. Is your heart racing? Are your palms sweating? Notice these sensations without trying to change them.

4. Get behind your fear. What does it want to protect you from? What story is it telling you? Often, you’ll discover that your fear is based on something that might happen, not something that’s actually happening right now.

5. Breathe with it. Don’t breathe to make the fear go away. Breathe to stay present with it. Each breath is a way of saying, “I can handle this feeling.”

6. Practice regularly. Start with smaller fears before tackling the bigger ones. Each time you face a fear instead of running from it, you strengthen your heart a little more.

The goal isn’t to eliminate fear—it’s to change your relationship with it. When you stop being afraid of fear itself, you develop the heart of a lion.

Last updated on 15^th July 2025

The post The Real Source of Fear (And How to Face It) appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

It’s been said that the most important thing in life is to decide what is important. Using your personal values as a touchstone to navigate through the inevitable challenges of working towards your goals is critical. The term “values” may seem overused—and abused—but don’t let that disillusion you. Your values represent what is most meaningful to you about work, relationships and life in general. Acting from your values will give you a solid foundation that can inspire, strengthen and renew you every step of the way.

Without a strong sense of your values to guide you, it’s easy to get caught up in other people’s agendas. While it’s noble and necessary to support others, it’s critical not to lose your way in service of someone else’s needs.

Working with your values is a continuous process. Think of your values as your “truth and meaning” metre. While there will be fluctuations in things that matter to you most at different points in your life, your core values are not likely to change.

These checkpoints can help guide you to a deeper understanding of what you value most:

1. Know your beliefs

Beliefs drive all behaviour. Beliefs run our lives in ways that we are often unaware of. You have beliefs about everything—success, work, money, relationships and, most importantly, who you are and what you are capable of. The more you connect your actions to your beliefs, the more power you will have to make changes in your experience.

2. Cultivate greater self-awareness

Think of self-awareness as your power tool. Becoming more self-aware requires a commitment to honest self-assessment. It can be challenging to not only tolerate the emotional discomfort of looking at our behaviour truthfully, but to do it without harsh self-judgment. Developing a more mindful approach will support you in doing this important on-going process.

3. Expand your emotional repertoire

The road to success isn’t just paved with ambition and determination. You’ll need a bigger briefcase of feelings to support your efforts and connect you to others. It’s a cliché but find your passion. Activate your curiosity about the unknown. Hone your confidence through honest self-evaluation. Practise patience—it will serve you well in all circumstances. And regardless of your personality, develop your people skills by engaging empathy and demonstrating gratitude.

4. Wherever you are, be all there

It’s easy to get scattered and unfocussed these days. Problem is our focus is more on doing than being. Full attention is a rare quality and most people will sense your interest and caring when they receive it. Staying “present” will also help activate your conscious awareness, regardless of the situation.

5. Don’t get hooked by comparisons

There’s nothing more distracting and emotionally debilitating than getting bogged down in envy and jealousy. It is one thing to admire and adopt the positive qualities of others—but don’t put yourself down in the process. We are all unique.

6. Manage fear

Fear is learned. We’re not born afraid. It is parents, teachers, friends and the culture in general that teach fear—often in subtle ways. While fear can have a protective quality, mostly its insidious grip prevents us from taking actions that can benefit us. Fear wears many disguises and because emotional contagion is real—we must safeguard against “catching” it from others.

7. Don’t attach “results” to every action you take

Sometimes the path to success can feel like a race. We get lost in judging every activity as progress or regression. This kind of thinking often brings on anxiety and doubt. Assume that there will be “failures” and missteps along the way—all are a welcome part of the learning process.

8. Stay humble

There’s no shortage of boasting and self-promotion out there. Humility can seem soft or passive in the face of it. Don’t buy into those ideas. Humility is grounding and promotes appreciation.

9. Don’t succumb to cynicism

Cynicism can become a default feeling and worldview. Energetically it is draining, for you and others. Pursuing your goals will undoubtedly mean you will meet challenges and have setbacks. Don’t join the cynic’s club when that happens. Assess your situation positively and regroup using your highest level of thinking and most resourceful emotions.

10. Prioritise peace

Too many people postpone peace. In the hustle and bustle of life, it’s easy to relegate times of peace to an occasional vacation. Staying on the path to achieving your goals requires time spent in quiet reflection. Rest and relaxation is essential. Make space in your life for peace—and it will find you.

Any path toward professional success will have its twists and turns, but when you’re standing on the foundation you’ve built—you’ll keep your balance.

The post You can succeed without compromising your values appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Thursday night, I held his hand as he watched television; it felt so surreal. How does anyone cope knowing these are possibly final moments? Friday, driving Dad to the hospital, I knew this was possibly my last drive with him. I told him, “You are the most patient person I know. I love you, Dad.” I tried to be positive, calm and strong. I wanted the car warm, and the drive peaceful. I needed dad, my hero, to be in the best possible state for his operation; mentally and physically.

The horror week begins

Friday night. My horror week began! As a crisis and grief counsellor, I know the signs of anxiety, shock, and grief, but this week they overcame me. Dad’s operation caused many complications in his liver, heart, blood pressure, kidneys, and brain function. When he finally regained consciousness, after a few terrifying days, he could hardly mutter a word; then he quickly developed delirium. Even though his eyes seemed to recognise me, he was speaking incoherently. He mumbled about paranoid conspiracies of nurses wanting to kill him. He refused medical treatment and the family were called in to give permission for life-saving procedures and to be prepared in case he “crashes”. This mental decline of Dad was not anticipated. While we were told it is normal to develop “ICU delirium”, I wanted to know where Dad’s mind had gone… Would it return? I’d never heard of this type of psychosis.

I no longer slept well, often waking, worrying about Dad

I was stuck in a horror movie; the family talked about legalities, the living will, power of attorney, and possible death. “I will not discuss his funeral! We need to be positive!” I said. I recognised disassociation, as I kept re-playing the family’s words, over and over. This doesn’t feel real! So, this is how it ends for my Dad, my hero? I’m in my client’s world of crisis, and I recognise the signs. I feel acidity, no appetite, and I’m trying to keep fear thoughts at bay. I suppress my fear, but then develop anxiety as waves of emotions, suppressed deep inside me, that rise up, and “break me” at any moment. I gave up suppressing the tears. I ordered coffee from the hospital cafe with tears streaming down my face. The love songs in the cafe angered me. Why did “Islands in the stream” have to come on the radio? Dad loves country music. My sister and I stormed out in protest! My dad was dying … Stop the music!

Signs of despair

I no longer slept well, often waking, worrying about Dad. Has he just died? Nana even “came to me in a dream” and shook her finger with disapproval. [I’d been telling her, “Go away, Nana. You can’t take Dad!”]. I felt constantly cold, another sign of shock. The adrenaline and coffee kept me strong for hours of visits, but the fatigue kicked in and I had to drive back home for two days to recharge. I hated being away from dad.

A big cloud had overcome my life; I recognised this as “preparatory grief”. I felt disconnected to everything, except Dad. I cried, as I told hubby, “Nothing in the world seems important to me anymore; just Dad!” I retreated from work. I lost all interest and felt like a turtle hiding in a shell. I didn’t want to talk to friends. I needed to conserve my energy. I texted updates, which helped me come to terms with the reality of this situation. I’d cry as I’d read, “Dad’s organs are shutting down. His kidneys are not working well. His liver could be failing. He may not recover from the delirium.”

I’m normally calm, but was finding myself becoming angered easily

My mum said she missed me, even though I was beside her. I missed me. Knowing how grief causes marriage issues, I consciously kept connected to hubby, but had little energy for anyone else. “You cannot control life,” he said. I needed to hear this. I can’t keep dad alive with my love… but I’m going to keep trying.

My mind would sometimes become disobedient; I’d see myself at dad’s funeral going over a speech. Stop! Dad is not dead! I know enough about the mind and energy to know that living in the present, in the now, is essential. I worked hard at keeping funeral thoughts out of my mind; instead, I kept visualising positive improvements.

I’m normally calm, but was finding myself becoming angered easily [another grief stage]. My sister and mum annoyed me, the nurses made me angry with their blunt updates. This anger distorted my thoughts. Why was Dad on so many sedating painkillers? Were they trying to kill him? Do they need the ICU bed? I was frustrated, hyper alert, impatient, and felt trapped in a world of trauma.

Shielding my dad

I resigned myself, even though it was hard, to leave the medicine mostly up to the experts. My role was to ensure Dad was surrounded by love, loving touch, and constant positive words. Knowing about the subconscious mind, I needed to ensure that dad [even though he couldn’t really talk] could hear all the improvements he was making. I would often say, “Your skin is a good colour. Blood pressure is going well. Your surgery is healing well.” I didn’t want dad hearing any negative, as his subconscious mind was too vulnerable.

Over one hundred friends and family prayed, sent good wishes, lit candles, and sent love

I kissed him over 30 times on the forehead, and held his hand, over the many days. Sometimes he’d turn his head when I’d take my hand away; his eyes seemingly said, “Don’t go.” I felt like my love was making a difference.

Nonetheless, I was losing hope, and needed to take action. In a desperate attempt to send more loving energy to Dad, I turned to my friends and family on Facebook and asked for prayers and good wishes. Over one hundred friends and family prayed, sent good wishes, lit candles, and sent love. I even had strangers sending love!

The miracle called love

As I write this, it’s eight weeks since his operation, and Dad is now walking, talking, and enjoying life at my brother’s home. During his last week in the hospital, his mind and body recovered well. He looked forward to his daily wheelchair rides around the hospital where he would meet the canteen staff, and hospital helpers, who had heard so much about him. For many weeks, everywhere I went, people asked, “How is your Dad?” The power of Facebook at the time when I needed support was incredible.

We are all connected… we all feel each other’s pain, and we can all help each other heal. In this challenging time in my life, I felt this love from my friends, family, and even strangers, as tangible, and instrumental in Dad’s healing. I also believe that it was my 30 kisses that helped save him.

The post How a daughter’s love helped this dad recover sooner from surgery appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

In this article »

• Introduction: How My Shyness Held Me Back
• How Social Anxiety Affects Your Life
• Why Do You Feel Shy
• 3 Easy Steps to Conquer Your Social Anxiety or Shyness
  1. Face your fears
  2. Plan ways to track your progress
  3. Action is the key to overcoming shyness
• You Can Conquer Your Social Anxiety!
• Conclusion: How My Life Changed After I Overcame My Shyness

Introduction: How My Shyness Held Me Back

Here’s a real story. Several years ago, I was heading home from work—a 30-mile commute by train. On the same platform, probably waiting for the same train, were a young woman and her sick son. The boy was maybe three years old, about the same age as my own sons then. His bald head and frightfully thin frame suggested that he likely had cancer. Even the effort of raising a bottle of water to his lips caused his hand to tremble. He paused drinking to vomit into a plastic bag. This young child was suffering like I have never suffered in my life. His mother was caring, but firm. She held his head firmly when he vomited to avoid a resulting mess.

My heart sank. I felt bad for them—mother and child both suffering so greatly there on that platform. I wanted so much to talk to the mother, to offer her an encouraging word or a friendly chat to distract her temporarily. I wanted to tell the boy that I had two sons his age and that I thought they could become good friends but… I didn’t. My own shyness prevented me from lifting another’s spirits. I was unable to approach people I didn’t know; I was unable to embrace the vulnerability required to reach out.

I actively talked myself out of trying to offer what I could to them: If you walked up to them, what would you say? That you are sorry for them? Words are cheap. And what have you to offer? Money? You are not rich. Time? You are a nine to five slave. Encouragement? Can you cure the boy?

I didn’t speak to them that day; didn’t express my compassion for them. My social anxiety overcame my desire to reach out to a fellow human being.

How Social Anxiety Affects Your Life

Social anxiety is crippling for a human being, because we are social animals. The ability to interact with others [or the lack of it] affects every area of our lives. Take success for example. It is said that “your network is your net worth.” But if you are shy, it’s difficult for you to build a network of contacts in the first place. You may even be good at cultivating your relationships—I was decent in this respect—but you cannot grow your network. Your road to success is closed before you even take the first step.

Success is not so important, you may think. Our definition of success is skewed toward financial and tangible benefits, one-time achievements and rewards. Attaining one success milestone after another can nonetheless leave you miserable and frustrated. You need to enjoy the process of becoming successful and not just aim for the milestones.

However, happiness doesn’t come from financial status. The truth is, scientists only have a vague idea where it comes from, but they have found a single reliable predictor of happiness: relationships. The quality and, to some degree, the quantity of your relationships are the reasons for your happiness [or lack of it]. Thus, if you are a shy person, you are disadvantaged from the beginning. You cannot start relationships and you have trouble sustaining them.

With this discovery, the correlation between social anxiety and depression is more understandable. If you are unable to create relationships, you are doomed to living an unhappy life.

Social Anxiety is a curse that looms over your whole life. It eats into your happiness, your success and everything in between. You need to defend yourself against it. You need to make overcoming shyness and social anxiety among your top priorities.

Why Do You Feel Shy

The etymology of the word “shyness” is interesting because it suggests that its root is fear. The word “shy” originated from the Proto-Germanic skeukh(w)az, which means “afraid”. Many languages followed suit: the late Old English sceoh—”timid, easily startled,” the German scheuchen—”to scare away,” the Old French eschiver—”to shun,” and the Italian schivare—”to avoid.”

To overcome shyness, you have to face your fears. But shyness and the fears that give rise to it vary from one person to another. For example, I’m not afraid of public speaking. I’ve spoken to groups of various sizes, ranging from a few to a few hundred people, and I was never as intimidated as when speaking to a single stranger. I avoided people I didn’t know. When I was forced to interact, for example, asking a shop clerk about something, it wasn’t so bad. But I wasn’t able to start a conversation with a stranger on my own, especially with attractive women. I was paralysed by fear, I had butterflies in my stomach and I always talked myself out of starting a conversation.

I could give speeches all day long, but I don’t suppose it would have improved my one-on-one social skills significantly. Social anxiety, introversion and shyness can each display with different intensities and in varying forms.

You’ll need to understand and overcome your own combination.

3 Easy Steps to Conquer Your Social Anxiety or Shyness

1. Face your fears

Have you ever tried to start a conversation while having a lump in your throat? I have. It’s harder than any physical work.

Of course, in the beginning, the fear is overwhelming; you are simply unable to act against it. Your own body betrays you—your knees go weak; your hands shake; your voice trembles; your stomach becomes uneasy; a lump forms in your throat; you flush and sweat. You may suffer some of those symptoms or all of them at once.

When I was writing my book From Shy to Hi, I recall reading those clinical definitions of shyness that described physical sensations. Those definitions incited the same sensations in me. If you are anything like me, even the thought of facing your fear might trigger the same reactions in your body. But, you have no other choice than to act in spite of your fear. There is simply no other alternative.

Inaction = failure

One of the pillars of my philosophy is a firm belief that inaction is the only foolproof method to fail. If I don’t do anything, I won’t accomplish anything. If I give up, the results will never come. How could they if there is no power to generate them in the first place?

My other core belief is that even the smallest action always brings results and even the smallest results are better than nothing. Thus, giving up is irrational. Yes, the effects I see may be disappointing, but if I give up and do nothing, there will be no results at all!

With these beliefs and attitudes, giving up is not a viable option. It’s not even an appropriate idea to play with. Such thinking is idle and useless. A better use of my time would be to work out ways to improve my actions or figure out what hinders my progress. If you won’t act against your fear, you will be sentenced to an existence shadowed by shyness.

There is a school of thought that preaches acceptance of yourself and your shyness, but I don’t buy it. It’s OK to feel comfortable in your own skin, but the negative effects of shyness I’ve listed are real. Self-acceptance doesn’t mean you don’t attempt to change what hurts you. And change you must, if you wish to live a full life.

Related » Let’s get your fear out of the way

» Keep your reasons for overcoming social anxiety in mind

I have found that change is less painful than sticking with the status quo. In the short term, the pain of being a bit unhappy or a bit less successful is not very severe and you probably become used to it. But it compounds and the years of shyness become more agonising than several months of facing your fears.

For me, I felt strangled in my shy shell. I truly wanted to help more people, but I couldn’t reach out to them. When I couldn’t overcome my fear and help others, I didn’t feel fully human. The idea of improving my prospects was just a bonus. Most of all, I wanted to love people like they deserve.

Overcoming your fear will not be even half as scary as you imagine. Find your own reason and review it in your mind at least once a day. Keep the reward in front of your mind’s eye. This will be the reason you’ll go past your comfort zone. I assure you that soon you will feel at ease outside of it as well.

Make no mistake, the change will be difficult. Facing your fear will be painful. However, the pain will reduce the second and third time you act against it. And your fear will keep shrinking with time. Besides, as the popular acronym says, fear is just False Evidence Appearing Real. When you face it, you will discover how insubstantial your trepidation was.

Once I felt sheer terror at the thought of speaking to a stranger. When I faced my fear, I discovered—surprise, surprise—they didn’t bite my face off! They didn’t scream at me and weren’t hostile to me. It had all been in my imagination. The worst thing I got from a stranger was indifference.

2. Plan ways to track your progress

How will you face your fear? It depends on you. It depends on what your particular challenge is. Are you shy of people of the opposite gender? Are you afraid of public speaking? Are you unable to approach a stranger as I was?

The good news is, you know what your problem is and you have a solution, too. It’s within you. Ask and you shall receive. The moment I asked myself what can I do about my shyness, the answer was clear: I needed to speak to strangers.

You may be clueless as to the exact path to take, but you know your heart’s desire. Once you know what troubles you and what to do about it, you know the destination. The specific path may be a matter of trial and error, but as long as you know where you are going and you take action, reaching the destination is just a matter of time.

At first when I decided to talk to strangers, I gritted my teeth, mobilised my willpower, and sought occasions to talk to new people every day. I fell flat on my face because I started too ambitiously for my timid, reserved personality. I was in no position to talk to strangers. The thought of approaching someone and opening my mouth paralysed me. Each time I tried, my heart pounded, my hands shook and butterflies had a party in my stomach.

Even thinking about those early experiences causes my body to become tense. Talking to a stranger seemed to be the toughest, most impossible act in the universe.

» I confronted my problem by habit-tracking

I used a sheet of paper with the list of my habits-in-construction, ticking them off when I succeeded, or writing a minus sign when I failed. I tasked myself with talking to strangers every day.

Going through my notes after a few weeks, I realised that I had a lot more minuses in the “talk to strangers” category than in all other habits put together. I realised, there might be something wrong with my approach in that discipline. I examined my attempts and results, and decided I was not ready to talk to strangers yet. Trying it was draining my energy and undermining my self-confidence rather than driving growth.

I had to change my approach.

With this mental feedback, I could redesign my discipline. I painstakingly planned it from scratch. I’m a firm believer in consistency and continuity, so talking to strangers remained on my list of daily actions.

But this time, I started small.

Because conversations were too ambitious for me, I committed to just making eye contact with a stranger and smiling at him or her. I was so socially awkward that even this was challenging and I still found myself collecting a few minuses on my tracking sheet. However, I didn’t want to stop at smiling, so I set three levels of difficulty.

• Level 1: The relatively passive activity of making eye contact and smiling.
• Level 2: Chime in on an existing conversation.
• Level 3: The hard level: Start a conversation with a stranger.

I gave a lot of time and attention to details like these to help revive and support my determination.

» Tracking your progress in detail can bring fast results!

My experience is that the more detailed you make your tracking, the faster you will achieve results. When I was satisfied to register smiling at a stranger once a day, I didn’t pay much attention to this discipline for the rest of the day. When I decided to track every single instance of performing a habit that I was currently developing, my results were fast and furious.

Of course, more detailed tracking is also more taxing. You need to channel more of your energy for every single action you take, and you also sacrifice the time it takes for those actions. It may be only a second or two at a time, but if you measure the number of smiles [in this case], it compounds very fast.

Again, you are in control of the process. You get to decide whether or not to track in greater detail. You know how much you need to be accountable and how soon you desire to be free from the shackles of shyness. It’s your call.

3. Action is the key to overcoming social anxiety

I’ve theorised a lot, but what will really liberate you is action. Your action. To obtain different results, you need different action. No affirmations, incantations or visualisations will move you forward one inch without action. They may prepare the groundwork, but they won’t substitute for action.

Take a look at this chart.

Your personal philosophy is—has always been—constantly shaped by your input. The information you give most attention to is your results and they stem from your actions. Which action you decide to take and how much heart you put into it will depend on your beliefs which, in turn, are formed by your personal philosophy.

It’s a cycle. Results are all but impossible without action, because personal philosophy and beliefs are hard to change for most people. We are not used to tampering with our heads and altering our thoughts. It’s not something they teach at school, is it? Taking action, however, is accessible and instantaneous. This you have control over and can execute at a moment’s notice.

For the record: I don’t believe in progress if it’s not translated into daily discipline. If you don’t practise every day that which you want to improve, you set yourself up to fail. Daily practice is the base on which you can build and from which you can grow. Keeping that in mind, your actions should be as big as you can sustain.

When I began my quest to overcoming social anxiety, speaking to a stranger was beyond my capabilities, therefore I couldn’t sustain that discipline. Mustering all my courage, willpower and energy I was able to start a conversation with a stranger about once in two weeks.

» Don’t try too much at once

Deciding to perform an unsustainable discipline is a recipe for disaster. You will fail and you will beat yourself up for your failure. Instead of focusing on what you should be doing, you will focus on chastising yourself.

Once you design your discipline and at least try to do it every day, tracking comes into play. In my case, tracking helped me realise that I wasn’t able to sustain such a “big” habit as talking to strangers every day. Thus, I decided to make eye contact and smile at strangers because that was within the realm of my capabilities.

The more often you show up the better. Your discipline should be done at least once a day. This is the approach I prescribe to everyone for everything, the approach that will build a habit for you.

When you do something every day and you actually take notice of that activity, you feel like you invested a lot into it. You will not want to lose that “investment”. This mind trick will help you to resist the temptation to quit.

Take three minutes right now and answer the questions below off the top of your head:

• What am I afraid in social interactions?
• How does that make me feel?
• How would I like to feel instead?
• What I need to do, who do I need to become, to feel that?
• What daily action can I take to make it true?
• What’s the tiniest action I can do every day to move me closer to that goal?

Quick answers are usually as good as the well-thought-out ones and, in any case, it’s not like they are set in stone. You can change your course later on. But those “here and now” answers have given you some substance to act upon.

You’ve discovered the tiniest action that will start your journey from shyness to confidence. Perform it ASAP, preferably right away.

» Beginning is always the hardest part of the process

But you’ll start, won’t you? You want to have it done.

Initially, your actions may be altogether internal. If you are afraid of public speaking, visualise yourself on stage confidently speaking to a big crowd. If you are afraid of talking to strangers, notice people around you and perform imaginary chats with them in your head.

Your subconscious cannot tell the difference between imagination and reality, so you will gain confidence through those visualisations. You can’t rely solely on them however, because it is action that gives a true boost to your confidence.

Every time I looked someone in the eyes, every time I smiled at a stranger, I found arguments with which to counter my internal critic: “See? I can do that! I’m not hopeless! I can actually do something to improve!”

You Can Conquer Your Social Anxiety!

Overcoming social anxiety doesn’t need polished first liners, wonderfully white teeth or a body language that emanates confidence. It takes minuscule habits practised every day with consistency. Your habits determine who you are. If you always look down to avoid interactions, try raising your head a few times a day when you are in uncomfortable social situation.

It doesn’t take more than that. I assure you, it’s worth it to become more confident. It will affect your whole life, every single aspect of it. The habits you make will grow in strength with time and you will be able to start bolder actions.

Here are a few things I’ve been able to change in my life since I challenged myself to make new habits and track my results:

• I made new friendships, both online and offline,
• I improved my professional skills by passing a few exams and got a new job [with 35% higher salary].
• I learned how to network online and I am in contact with entrepreneurs who have six-, seven- and eight-figure businesses.
• I made at least a dozen strangers happy by praising them spontaneously.
• I lost excess weight and have kept my body trim and fit for the last three years.
• I beat around 100 personal fitness records.
• I became an author; I published 12 books and sold over 17,000 copies of them.
• Hundreds of thousands of people read my stuff online.
• Thanks to my publishing side business and increased salary I bought the first house for my family and I have been able to pay off the mortgage two times faster than the bank’s plan had set up.
• My influence caused a ripple effect—at least a few of my readers published their own first book.

All of these things are awesome. I feel more in control of my own life, enjoy it more and contribute more to the lives of others.

But do you know what’s best? I love people more. It’s not just a fuzzy feeling inside my chest any more. Nowadays I can take action: smile at someone, make eye contact and wink, praise spontaneously or offer my help. I’m no longer constricted by my shyness.

This is real. I no longer live in a shell.

Also read » Overcome hesitation in 4 easy steps

Conclusion: How My Life Changed After I Overcame My Social Anxiety

In February 2012, the millionaire Brendon Burchard launched a product called “Expert Academy”. He put some free videos on the web to promote the launch. Bernard threw a challenge in his video: make a video talking about five life lessons. He would give away five tickets to his event and pay for the winners’ plane tickets. I decided to try. It would be the first video I’d ever made. I wrote the script while commuting on the train. One of the points to cover was: “Take action.”

As I worked on the script, I noticed an old lady sitting next to me deep in prayer. I thought: “I pray every day, we have something in common. I will ask her about her prayers.” At this point, my shy nature reacted with panic: “Oh, no! That would be rude! It will be disaster! Don’t do it!”

And I didn’t.

After several minutes, I wrote the words “Take action!” in the script. This time I felt compelled to speak to the old lady. I did, and found out that she had two very ill grandchildren, one had heart problems and the other, autism. I learned that their parents struggle financially. I decided to take action, and I’ve been helping them financially since that time.

The old lady’s son-in-law is an atheist; he more or less makes fun of her Christian beliefs. The fact that some stranger is donating money for his son, solely because the stranger saw his mother-in-law praying, is incomprehensible to him. It’s totally contrary to his worldview, where everybody cares only for themselves. He hasn’t converted to Christianity or anything, but this gesture caused a rupture in his belief system. Maybe, with time, it will transform into something greater.

That year, I got Christmas wishes from the family. The lady I talked to, the grandmother of those ill kids, prays for me every day. And I get tears in my eyes every time I think about it [even now, as I write this].

That was the first time my chat with a stranger affected my life and the lives of others, but it wasn’t the last. That conversation happened when I really did not feel ready to talk to strangers. It was a great struggle. But the rewards that blossomed from it—being able to help others, knowing that I am making a difference—were well worth the struggle.

Now I love more. So will you. Take action, affect your personal philosophy and set of beliefs. Become someone liberated from the curse of shyness and social anxiety. Love more.

The post How to Conquer Social Anxiety and Shyness: A Practical Guide appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

• Introduction: Everyone Hesitates
• 4 Easy Steps to Help You Overcome Hesitation
  • Understand why you hesitate
  • Challenge your fears
  • Learn to relax
  • Set goals
• The takeaway

Introduction: Everyone Hesitates

Everyone has experienced hesitation at some point in their lives. Worrying about the outcome of this and that, being paralyzed over the fear that the decision they are about to make may not be the right one.

We hesitate. We think. We analyze. We freeze. Hesitation can be good at times, as it allows us to take a moment to think about what we are doing and process it; however, often it lingers on for too long and leaves us stuck in our path. When that happens, you need to figure out how to overcome it.

Hesitation can be the consequence of over-analyzing a situation, the product of fear, or the outcome of low self-esteem. Regardless of the reason, there are ways to stop hesitating, and move forward with your life. Let’s look at four easy steps that can help you to overcome hesitation.

How to Overcome Hesitation in 4 Easy Steps

1. Understand why you hesitate

There is no way anyone can stop hesitating without first understanding it. One of the best ways to process your uncertainty and overcome hesitation is to write about it. Ask yourself the following questions:

• What specifically is going through my mind right now?
• Is there something that is disturbing me, or a fear I am experiencing?
• These thoughts, images, or memories that come to mind, what do they mean?
• What do they say about me?
• What is the worst thing that could happen in this situation?

Very often, the underlying element of hesitation is fear of the outcome. Exploring what outcome it is that you fear can help you identify what is holding you back.

2. Challenge your fears

Hesitation often leads to anxiety, which is quite simply a fear of the unknown. By challenging your fears and their associated thoughts, you can begin the process of truly overcoming them. It can be helpful to revisit and analyse those fears about which you wrote. Think about that worst case scenario you imagined, and visualise what would happen if anything and everything went wrong.

Let us say that at work, people are expected to give presentations at your monthly team meetings. It is expected that people take turns; yet despite being in this position for over a year, you have yet to give yours. At the end of each meeting, your boss asks who would like to volunteer to present updates on their project for the next meeting. Your stomach begins churning, your heart races, your palms become sweaty, and all you say to yourself is, “Please let someone else volunteer so that I don’t have to.” To your relief, someone does, and you are held over for another month.

Unfortunately, you are also acutely aware that because you have not given a presentation, you are less likely to be considered when promotions and raises come around. You feel stuck in a catch-22 and don’t know what to do. Do I risk giving a horrible presentation and embarrassing myself, or do I risk not getting a raise when appraisals take place?

At this point, you’ve identified that your feared situation is embarrassing yourself in front of your work colleagues and boss. You have also identified that avoiding your fear is hurting your ability to advance at work. You are hesitating. You are analyzing. You are stuck. You are frozen. Again, your inability to overcome hesitation is keeping you from moving forward.

Ask yourself, “So what?”

This is when the challenge can really begin. As you are picturing this worst case scenario, ask yourself, “So what?” So what if you make a mistake in your presentation. How likely is it that you will make a mistake so bad that it would result in being terminated from your position? Chances are that you have seen many people trip over words in their presentations before, but no one said anything. Do you have any evidence that you will embarrass yourself? What would you say to a friend in the same situation? Is your fear in proportion to the actual event?

As you engage in this exercise, it is important to write everything down. Not only will it help you organize your thoughts, but will help you to see if your facts that support your fear are shorter or longer than the list of facts that do not support your fear.

3. Learn to relax

Often the experience of paralysis by analysis leaves people feeling anxious, tense and wound up. Taking a few moments to do deep breathing can do wonders in helping you to think properly. One of the prominent symptoms of anxiety is an increased heart rate. When one’s heart rate exceeds 100 bpm, adrenaline is released into the body, causing it to enter a stress response. When this happens, it affects the part of brain that is responsible for problem solving, making it harder to think clearly.

The next time you find yourself in this situation, try sitting comfortably and place one hand on your chest, and one on your stomach. Try to breathe in a way that only the hand on your stomach moves. Breathing in this manner, inhale as deep as you can for four seconds, and hold it for another four. Then, exhale very slowly over an eight second period. Repeat this for five minutes and you should feel very relaxed.

4. Set goals

Sometimes people hesitate because what they are avoiding feels too daunting or overwhelming. Just the thought of it may lead them to want to run away and do something else. Setting goals and breaking them down can help make these tasks feel more manageable. For example, when someone says they need to read one chapter from a book, this sounds more manageable than if they say they need to write a book report [which involves reading an entire book, and then writing about it].

So, think about what it is you are hesitating about, and brainstorm if there is a way to set up goals to overcome hesitation. Break each part of the goal down to its absolute smallest possible component. This will allow you to pick up more easily where you left off, and allow you to see your progress. If we are being honest, crossing five things off a list sounds more enjoyable than crossing off just one, doesn’t it?

The Takeaway

As Stanislaw Jerzy Lec said, “You have to decide, even to hesitate.” The next time you find yourself hesitant and frozen from making a decision or taking action, remember that you are already making a decision to hesitate instead of moving forward. Are you going to choose to stay stuck, or choose to move forward?

The post How to Overcome Hesitation in 4 Easy Steps appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Forgiveness is not about overlooking someone else’s mistakes, it is about letting go of your own judgement about them
—Anonymous

There is a lot of talk these days about self-care. One of the best ways I’ve ever taken care of myself wasn’t by receiving a massage, getting a pedicure or buying myself flowers. No, the best way I’ve taken care of myself was by forgiving the man who took my leg from me.

Most of us have a story about how we were wronged, cheated, abused, hurt, deceived, or betrayed. There are as many stories out there as there are relationships. The exact details of how my accident happened don’t matter. What matters is that I was hit by a car when I was 17 years old. My left leg was immediately amputated and my right leg, though severely injured, was saved. And what matters is that I held on to my bitter, angry feelings toward Harvey, the man who hit me, for 15 years and that the accumulation of these harboured feelings ended up limiting my life—emotionally, physically and spiritually. What matters is that once I forgave Harvey, I felt unburdened, empowered, and free.

When I have conversations with people about my forgiveness journey, I encounter both awe and resistance. Many people ask me how I did it and in their question I hear a yearning. Not always to forgive a past wrong doing, but to at least release their own pent-up resentments. I’d like to share some comments I often receive from people who want to forgive, but don’t know how. These comments are all familiar to me—I’ve said them to myself many times over the years. Here is how I turned these comments into questions and how I answered them for myself.

“What he did to me was so horrible, he doesn’t deserve forgiveness.”

During the 15 years after the accident, whenever I thought of Harvey, forgiveness was the furthest thing from my mind. Instead, I thought about hurting him. Or I felt sorry for him because he had to live with himself after what he did to me. He was reckless and stupid and uncaring. In all those years, he never contacted me to apologise.

Whenever I was restricted from participating in activities with my friends because of the limitations imposed by my leg, or whenever my prosthetic leg caused me pain, I silently cursed Harvey. Internally, I felt like the biggest victim on the planet. I felt like I was owed something—what, I didn’t know; by whom, I didn’t know. I knew my limitations were more than just physical and for so many years I felt trapped in a tangled web of resentment, anger, and the desire for revenge. A part of me wanted to free myself from this snare.

After 13 years of trying to stuff the sadness, anger, and bitter feelings I held toward Harvey, they morphed into something else: fear. My life was ruled by fear; I became afraid to drive because I was sure I would get in another accident. Every time I was on the freeway, I imagined that car—or that car—or that car—merging into my lane and hitting me. I imagined my car exploding in flames or flipped upside down or skidding into the guardrail. I saw myself trapped in my car or bleeding from all over my body or trying to escape. I had no control over what the other drivers would do or what would happen to me. It didn’t matter how careful I was, I could still get hurt again. Sometimes I would sob uncontrollably as I drove. I didn’t know what post-traumatic stress disorder was at the time, but it was overtaking my life.

It was shortly after this that I decided to go to therapy.

Sitting in my therapist’s office was like being in a cocoon of comfort. During one of my first visits, I was explaining to her how the accident happened. I had learned to talk about ‘this moment of my life’ with practised authority. I spoke with little emotion, since I became master at hiding my feelings.

As I was explaining why it took so long for the ambulance to arrive on the scene of the accident, a siren started wailing outside my therapist’s window. My voice cracked, but I continued my narrative. My therapist gently asked me to stop talking. “Listen to that siren, Colleen,” she said, as the siren howled louder. “How does that make you feel?”

Ever since the accident, the sound of an ambulance sent my heart racing, which made me feel foolish and weak, not strong like I had convinced myself I needed to be. Sitting there with my therapist in that warm room, I allowed myself to give in to the anguish. I couldn’t respond to her, I could only sob.

This is when I knew I needed help. This is when I knew I wasn’t living into the fullness of my potential. So the real question I had to ask myself was: Who would benefit if I released these feelings and forgave? Harvey may not have deserved my forgiveness, but I certainly deserved a chance at a happier future.

I knew my limitations were more than just physical and for so many years I felt trapped in a tangled web of resentment, anger, and the desire for revenge

“I’m waiting for forgiveness to happen.”

I attended a forgiveness workshop which included a short ritual. The facilitator asked us to write down a transgression that we wanted to forgive. I took a strip of paper and I wrote down, “I want to release my anger toward Harvey.” Then we stood in a circle around a small fire and individually tossed in our paper with the intention of releasing the burden. Once the ritual was complete, the facilitator did not give us any further instructions, just the intimation that we would feel better. Instead of feeling more peaceful after the ritual, I felt empty, hollow, and just as bitter. I hoped the ritual would take away my pain. I assumed that the desire to forgive, the desire to find peace in my heart would just happen if I wanted it.

I learned that forgiveness is more than a simple ritual—it takes work. The first step on my journey of forgiveness was to declare my intention to release the vengeful feelings, to stop being so angry, and to find acceptance and peace. To that end, I had to devote time and money for my therapy and put concentrated effort into letting go of 15 years of ingrained thought patterns. The ritual of burning the strip of paper was a positive, intentional way to declare my desire to change. But watching the paper burn did not, in any way, create a change in my heart. After the paper’s ashes had blown away, it was the daily struggle and conscious decision to release and forgive that gradually forged and revealed the path. Forgiveness for me was not a passive event; I made—and continued to make—the choice to actively forgive.

When I finally asked myself the question, Who do I want to be? I realised my resentment, anger and vengefulness didn’t make me happy. And I wanted to be happy. When I asked myself, What’s the pay-off to withholding forgiveness? I had to admit to myself that I was holding on to my need to be right at the expense of my happiness. It was time for a change.

In the end, I didn’t forgive Harvey for his sake, but for mine. I learned that forgiveness is something I did for myself, not for Harvey. Forgiveness was about the relationship between me and my soul.

Forgiveness for me was not a passive event; I made—and continued to make—the choice to actively forgive

“I’m afraid that if I feel my emotions they’ll overtake me.”

Whenever I stuffed my anger or hid my sadness, I would always imagine that I was sitting on a suitcase bulging with clothes, too many in fact, to close. That’s how big my feelings were. I knew what it felt like to feel happiness, joy and love. What I came to learn was that those emotions have just as much energy as sadness, resentment and hate. And, I would argue that love is even bigger and more powerful than hate. But I was so afraid of being consumed by my negative emotions that I spent lots of energy trying not to feel them. The more control I mustered to stuff my feelings, the more out of control I felt.

My therapist helped me unpack these tangled and rumpled emotions from this suitcase of denial. And when I asked her, “How do I deal with these emotions?”she gave me tools to express them appropriately. At first, I was overwhelmed by my anger and depleted by my sadness, but with her help I connected with them more consciously and deliberately. And yes, they were big, so big that I had to ask myself, “How do I get support through this process?” I reached out to my brother and ended up staying with him for a while to keep me accountable to my responsibilities—like getting up in the morning and going to work.

Feeling the emotions was scary, but it was the beginning of releasing myself from the prison of bitterness that I had put myself in.

So my second step on this journey was unpacking my emotions. I had to take them out and find the source behind them. Until I took control of these emotions, they had control over me.

The first step on my journey of forgiveness was to declare my intention to release the vengeful feelings, to stop being so angry, and to find acceptance and peace

“I’m so angry with him. I don’t want to see it from his side.”

Our visual cortex at the back of our brain is where we process visual information; it is how we perceive the world. I offer that our heart has a visual cortex too—a tool to help us perceive the world on an emotional level. Only, instead of accessing it with our two eyes, we access our heart’s visual cortex through one of two lenses: connection or separation. The quality of our experience is determined based on which lens we use to access our heart’s visual cortex.

In my late 20s I took a class in which we explored the book A Course in Miracles. I don’t recall the exact passage in the book, but one night in class something clicked, something about the concept that we are all part of the same energy, that we all come from the same stuff. As I pondered this notion, I took it a step further and realised that it meant that I was, in essence [a very pure essence] one with the homeless man on the street asking me for money, one with the clerk at the grocery store and though I didn’t want to admit, even one with Harvey.

Harvey had never contacted me to check if I was okay. I realised that, even though I had had my day in court with Harvey two years after the accident, he had never apologised or expressed any remorse. On the night of the 15^th anniversary of the accident, a few months after I had started therapy, I was feeling depressed. With a vindictive heart, I decided I would call him and finally yell at him for ruining my life.

During our phone call that night, we talked briefly and, before I could berate him, we decided to meet each other in about a month’s time.

When we met, I was prepared to yell and scream at Harvey for what he had done to me. What I didn’t expect was that I would end up listening to him. I heard his story. I asked him to explain how the accident happened from his perspective and I heard how it had impacted his life. For years after the accident, he vacillated between nice guy and mean guy depending on whether he was reminded of the accident. His marriage didn’t survive his temperamental outbursts. He suffered from ulcers due to the stress. During those intervening 15 years, I had maintained a static image of Harvey—he was always that stupid, reckless, thoughtless 21 year old. I never thought of him as a growing, evolving being. What I saw 15 years later was a thoughtful, careful, polite man in his mid-30s.

And what I had secretly hoped for, I received: an apology.

I couldn’t have imagined that I would walk away from our four-hour encounter feeling connected to him and compassion for him. But that notion—that we are all connected—snuck back into my heart that day. I met two new people during the visit: Harvey and my compassionate self. After I returned home from our visit, I reflected on our conversation. I saw two possible paths: I could either continue blaming Harvey and being the victim—or I could choose to forgive. In order to hold anger, resentment and sometimes hate in my heart, I had to dehumanise Harvey. When I looked at the situation through the lens of connection, when I opened my heart and heard his story, I open myself to Harvey’s humanity. I chose forgiveness.

So the third step I took on the journey of forgiveness was to shift my perspective. I had to let go of my identity as a victim in order to forgive. I had to allow the story to change. How do I want to live this story? I wrote a new story for myself, the story where I don’t end up a victim because I lost my leg at the hands of an uncaring, insensitive bad guy, but I ended up a hero because I opened my heart to him.

I couldn’t have imagined that I would walk away from our four-hour encounter feeling connected to him and compassion for him

“But forgiveness needs to go both ways. And they aren’t even willing to talk to me.”

I was fortunate to have had the opportunity to meet with Harvey, hear his remorse, and receive his apology. I realise many folks don’t have the chance to have that open, caring dialogue. So what do you do then?

Learning to flex my forgiveness muscle has helped me respond to other wrong doings. There have been times in my life when I don’t have the opportunity to talk to the person who wronged me, but the single most important step I take is to try and see the situation from that person’s perspective. I’ve learned to ask the question, Why might this person have done that? Is it possible that this person didn’t mean to hurt me as much as he or she did? Sometimes I make up a story to help explain how they could have done that to me.

There are multiple studies about the physical and emotional benefits of forgiveness. On a physical level, once we forgive, we stop rehashing the wrong-doing over and over. As a result, we move out of the fight or flight mode of our reptilian brain, and our body relaxes. Our heart rate decreases, our blood pressure reduces and we stop taxing our stress hormones.

Earlier, whenever I drove past the site of the accident, my mouth used to flood with the metallic taste of shock, I broke out in a sweat, especially around the perimeter of my face and my hands became clammy. My breathing became shallow and it felt like there was a rock in my throat. Through therapy I learned what triggered these physical signs of stress.

Even though I have made peace with Harvey, I still get triggered, although now I have an understanding of what’s happening to my body. Now I know how to breathe through the stress. Now I know how to calm myself down.

On an emotional level, resentment and anger separates us, not just from our perpetrator, but from our loved ones as well. Because it’s not possible to be both hateful and loving.

After my accident, when my boyfriend and I took walks, I often spiralled out of control. The pain in my prosthetic leg triggered my anger. My anger triggered my resentment, which in turn triggered my desire for revenge. Without thinking, I would start yelling at my innocent boyfriend with the same intensity that I had fantasised using toward Harvey. Without wanting to, I was creating a divide between my boyfriend and myself.

After I forgave Harvey, my anger dissipated and my resentment dissolved. I stopped flying off the handle and hurting the people I loved.

Forgiveness is good for the spirit. Anger slams the door against the heart. When we open our hearts to love, there is no room for hate. Forgiveness is love‘s way in. The idea is to get our blood simmering with love, not boiling with anger.

My bitter feelings toward Harvey were at first intended to shield my heart from the pain of what happened to me. When I let them remain unresolved for 15 years, I allowed them to grow from a shield into a prison; I was locked in a heart that was hardened by resentment.

When I forgave Harvey, I accessed a compassionate part of myself that I hadn’t known before. I suddenly felt bigger than my anger—and more powerful. I felt freedom. My spirit felt expanded; I felt even more connected to everyone around me.

“I really want to forgive, but I can’t find the path.”

When I understood how holding onto my grudges kept me in the victim mentality, my grudges seemed less important. When I realised that I didn’t have to forgive Harvey, forgiveness became more of an option. Victims don’t have much control. Making the choice to forgive is how I reclaimed control of my emotions and control of my future.

I asked myself the question, How do I want to move forward with my life?

The answer was clear. Forgiveness was my way of taking care of myself—body, mind and spirit.

The post How I forgave the man who caused my physical handicap appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

For Anju, an elevator was a death trap. Every time she stepped into one, as the doors would slide shut, her mind would close in on her. All she could think about was being trapped inside, the walls closing in, the oxygen slowly depleting and her body being found when the doors were finally pried open hours later. Does not make sense? Well, phobias rarely do.

There are even stranger phobias. From Pogonophobia, a fear of beards to Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia which is, ironically, a fear of long words! Funny until you develop one.

Cause and effect

The cause of a phobia is not always known. Some are triggered by a disturbing incident [like being stuck in an elevator for a prolonged period in your childhood], some could be culturally suggested [a classic example being a rise in shark and water phobias after the movie Jaws], while some phobias have no apparent origin. If hypnotherapists and psychoanalysts like Dr Brian L Weiss [author of Many Lives, Many Masters] are to be believed, a past life trauma can also contribute to a present life phobia.

The effect of a phobia varies from extreme anxiety to a full blown panic attack, where intense fear is accompanied by symptoms such as sweating, trembling, shaking, increased heart rate, breathlessness, a choking feeling, chest pain, dizziness, a tingling sensation and so forth. The dread can be severe enough to incapacitate you. Besides, the obvious physical effect, a phobia can also impact your personal and professional life. For instance, a person with a phobia of flying may avoid all air travel, which may affect his future at his workplace if it calls for travelling. An indirect consequence is passing on your phobia to an impressionable child in your home.

No more fears

Did you know there is an app to help overcome phobias? It requires you to stare at a picture of your most feared object [snakes, airplane interiors, blood, whatever brings beads of cold sweat to your brow] until it gradually ceases to affect you. It’s too soon to say if this method works, but there are other tried-and-tested treatments.

Systematic desensitisation is commonly used by therapists to gradually reduce the level of fear. It requires you to create a list of your feared situations, ranging from the least feared to the most feared. In Anju’s case, her list would start with a basic grilled lift of a two-storied building, going up to a high rise elevator with thick metal doors. The next step would be to visualise yourself in the least feared situation, then give yourself suggestions to relax, both physically [instrumental music] and mentally [listening to the calming voice of a loved one]. You do this until the least fear producing thought produces no fear. And then move on to the next one on the list till you arrive at the most fear producing stimulus and eradicate it.

If your phobia has a debilitating effect on your life, it is best to approach an experienced therapist who can work with you in a professional manner. Otherwise, you could:

• Confront your fear on a rational level. Constantly remind yourself about the irrationality and persist till you get results.
• Maintain a fear diary. Rate the intensity of your phobia on a scale of 1 to 10. Then write down a specified time frame by which you will bring it down to a certain number. Every time you are in the feared situation or you think about the feared situation, make an entry in your diary with the date and the intensity. Having this kind of visual control will enable you to quantify your fear and help you reduce its power and frequency.
• Change your self-talk. Make every attempt to think positive. When you sense anxiety rising as you near the feared stimulus, instead of your typical self-talk [this is horrible, I can’t face this crowd, I’ll forget all my lines and fail miserably], acknowledge your fear in a neutral manner [I am feeling anxious at the thought of going on stage], and then focus on the changes happening in your mind and body [I can feel my feet shivering, my heartbeat is faster, I am feeling very scared] without attaching judgment to it [this is awful, how terrible this situation is]. Now focus on the behaviour you need to produce [I will do my best to be confident when I give my speech, even though I am scared and anxious, I will be fine when I start talking, I have prepared well, there is no reason why I should not deliver well].
• Practice meditation or yoga. It is hard for fear to persist in a relaxed mind-body entity, and so regular practice of yoga, vipassana, or any other form of meditation will help you deal with your phobias.

The post Imprisoned by your phobias? appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.