A Story to Illustrate the Power of Letting Go

There’s a little story that beautifully illustrates the simple power of letting go. A professor holds up a glass of water and asks his class how much it weighs. Various answers are thrown up and the professor admits that they won’t know for sure unless they weigh it. He then asks them what would happen if he held the glass up like that for an hour. Of course his hands would pain, say his students. The professor then asks them what would happen if he held up the glass like that for an entire day. His students laugh and say that he would definitely get some severe muscle problems—maybe even paralysis. But did the weight of the glass change at all, however much time you hold it up, queries the professor. So what causes this muscle ache and stress? Why not put it down, chorus the students. “Exactly!” says the professor.

Life’s problems are something like this. Hold it for a few minutes in your head and they seem fine. Think of them for a long time and they begin to ache. Hold it even longer and they begin to paralyze you. You will not be able to do anything. It’s important to think of the problems in your life, but even more important to “put them down” at the end of every day before you go to sleep. That way, you are not stressed, you wake up every day fresh and strong and can handle any issue, any challenge that comes your way.

Letting go is our way of embracing life, of living in each moment, engagingly and refreshingly.

Why Letting Go Is the Key to Health and Happiness

The simple act of letting go has profound benefits—physical, mental and spiritual.

Holding on, on the other hand, makes us more vulnerable to health problems. For instance anger and hostility are prime suspects in heart diseases. Gastric problems, including acidity and irritable bowel syndrome [IBS] owe their onset to pent-up emotions. This phenomenon is known as somatization, the tendency to translate repressed emotions into actual physical symptoms.

Emotion, kept in cold storage, and reheated and rehashed, is a sure recipe for looking and feeling old. We become susceptible to allergies, racked by chronic ailments, and the more we remain locked in old patterns, the more we close ourselves to new experiences. Just imagine how much energy we expend each day just holding on to all these things, and the frustration, disappointment, anger, and sadness that we accumulate as a result.

Psychologically, letting go is invaluable in building ourselves up from within. We learn from experiences instead of being carried away by their emotional content. We learn to accept and remain neutral, not allowing anger to fuel an already volatile situation, make choices with clarity and without fear.

Related » The Dangers of Emotional Suppression

How to Practice Letting Go in Daily Life

So, how can we let go? How can we release that which keeps us blocked? How can we let clogged up patterns and emotions flow on, away from us? Here are three suggestions to help you “loosen up” and embrace what life has to offer.

1. Practice forgiveness

Forgiveness is extremely liberating. It frees us; and though we may not excuse the act, we can forgive the person who committed it. Thus, we allow negativity and resentment to loosen its tenacious grip on our psyche, and open ourselves to leading a happier life in the present. It is a decision to let go of resentments, while not condoning the act. Forgiveness is the act of untying yourself from thoughts and feelings that bind you to the offense committed against you. Medically, it has proven effects—lower blood pressure, stress reduction, lower heart rate, better anger management skills and enhanced interpersonal relations.

2. De-clutter your mind

Just as you clean your closets and sanitize your homes, how about taking time out—perhaps once a month— to sit down and evaluate exactly what you have kept in your mind? What is it that you have “hoarded” that is bogging you down, hampering your productivity, decreasing your efficiency and pulling you down? Then, simply let it go. Let go for a few minutes each day to start with and then for a longer duration, till it becomes second nature to not think about it. It will be difficult at first, but with meditation and practice, you will master the skill. You will feel so rejuvenated; you will be tempted not to look back.

3. Try creative visualization to let go

This is a process through which you harness the power of your mind to meet your objectives. Picture yourself releasing, letting go of all that is holding you back from peace, contentment, health and happiness. It could be an old resentment, a co-worker’s bad attitude and your hostile feelings associated with him/her, or a lost love. Next, picture yourself exactly as you want to be. Make sure you see this very clearly.

Once you’ve got the picture in your head, think of it often. Not only when you are relaxing or meditating, but also through the day. This is the process of sending that positive energy out into the universe. The more positive energy you send out, the more you will get back.

Lastly, believe that the person you visualize is really you, free from painful attachments and negative memories, already having “let go”. Any disbelief is negative energy, and will counteract what you’re trying to achieve. And once you see it come true, acknowledge that you made it happen. Give yourself a pat on the back. To reward is to reinforce the feeling, energizing it to make it your.

4. Use a Prop

Another powerful technique through which you can release the need to respond to whatever it is that is stirring up your emotions is to visualize and practice this by holding a small, unbreakable item [like a coin or eraser] in your open hand. Imagine that this item is a physical manifestation of what is bothering you; this problem is literally in the palm of your hand. Now, close your fist around the object as tight as you can. Notice the energy that it takes to hold it in such a manner. You may even be squeezing it so hard that it hurts, and you can feel your muscles fatiguing. Keep squeezing, but turn your hand over so your knuckles are up and your palm is facing down. Now – here’s the secret – take a deep breath and just open your hand, letting whatever it is you were clutching simply fall on the floor. This, in essence, is letting go.

You don’t have to have a physical object to practice letting go, but it can be very useful in the beginning to help you develop this response to life’s stressors. You may even consider carrying a small stone, or other items, in your pocket that you can use throughout the day as necessary while you hone this skill.

Regardless of whether or not you use a prop, the idea is that rather than trying to get a better grip on the situation and trying to control it so fiercely that it’s fatiguing, you let it go instead. It certainly seems counter-intuitive, but that only reflects our fear-based desire to exert control over situations that seem to be threatening.

Letting go offers an opportunity to relax into an uncomfortable situation instead of pushing against it. This approach helps calm the mind and nerves, slows down your breathing and racing heartbeat, and makes space for thinking that is less emotionally charged and more likely to be productive.

Conclusion

Letting go of tension and energy that have you emotionally bound up does not mean that the problem at hand will probably simply disappear. But that’s okay because letting go isn’t about evading problems. Rather, it is about giving you an opportunity to release yourself from your own spiraling negative emotions.

Letting go can be very useful for helping you to come back to your center in everyday situations. As with most things, practicing it often will result in greater flexibility and facility. When used frequently, it can literally transform your life.

This is an updated version of the article that first appeared in the September 2008 issue of Complete Wellbeing magazine.

The post How to Practice Letting Go in Daily Life appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Breathing consciously is like drinking a glass of cool water. As we breathe in, we really feel the air filling our lungs. We don’t need to control our breath. We feel the breath as it actually is. It may be long or short, deep or shallow. In the light of our awareness it will naturally become slower and deeper. Conscious breathing is the key to uniting body and mind and bringing the energy of mindfulness into each moment of our life.

Regardless of our internal weather—our thoughts, emotions, and perceptions—our breathing is always with us like a faithful friend. Whenever we feel carried away, sunk in a deep emotion, or caught in thoughts about the past or the future, we can return to our breathing to collect and anchor our mind.

How to Practice Conscious Breathing

Light and natural, calm and peaceful

While you breathe in and out, feel the flow of air coming in and going out of your nose. At first your breathing may not be relaxed.

But after practicing conscious breathing for awhile, you will feel how light and natural, how calm and peaceful your breathing has become. Any time you’re walking, gardening, typing, or doing anything at all, you can return to this peaceful source of life.

You can say to yourself:

Breathing in, I know I’m breathing in.
Breathing out, I know I’m breathing out 

When the mind is no longer thinking

After a few breaths, you may want to shorten this to “In, Out”. If you follow your in-breath and out-breath all the way through, your mind is no longer thinking. Now your mind has a chance to rest. In our daily life we think too much. Giving our mind a chance to stop thinking is wonderful.

“Breathing in, I know I’m breathing in…” isn’t a thought. It’s a simple awareness that something is happening, that you are breathing in and out. When you breathe in and bring your attention to your in-breath you bring your mind back to a reunion with your body. Just one in-breath can help the mind come back to the body. When body and mind come together, you can be truly in the present moment.

“Breathing in, I know I’m breathing in…” is another way of saying “Breathing in, I feel alive.” Life is in you and life is around you—life with all its wonders: the sunshine, the blue sky, the autumn leaves. It’s very important to go home to the present moment to get in touch with the healing, refreshing, and nourishing elements of life inside and around you. A light smile can relax all the muscles of your face.

Breathing in, I recognize the blue sky.
Breathing out, I smile to the blue sky, 

Breathing in, I am aware of the beautiful autumn leaves.
Breathing out, I smile to the beautiful autumn leaves. 

You can shorten this to “blue sky” on the in-breath, and “healing” on the out-breath. Then “autumn leaves” on the in-breath, and “smiling” on the out-breath. When you practice breathing like this, it puts you in touch with all these wonders of life.

Just one in-breath can help the mind come back to the body

With conscious breathing, you are in touch with life

The beauty of life is nourishing you. You are free from your worries and fears. You get in touch with your breath and with your body. Your body is a wonder. Your eyes are a wonder, you need only to open your eyes to be able to touch the paradise of forms and colors that are available. Your ears are a wonder. Thanks to your ears you can hear all kinds of sounds: music, birdsong, and the wind blowing through the pine trees. When you pay attention to your in-breath and out-breath, you bring yourself home to the present moment, to the here and the now, and you are in touch with life. If you were to continue to be lost in the past, or to run to the future, you’d miss all of that.

Breathing in, I follow my in-breath all the way through.
Breathing out, I follow my out-breath all the way through. 

In the beginning, you may notice that your breathing may feel labored or awkward. Your breath is a result of your body and feelings. If your body has tension or pain, if your feelings are painful, then your breath is affected. Bring your attention to your breath and breathe mindfully.

Breathing in, I know I’m breathing in.
Breathing out, I know I’m breathing out. 

Breathing in, I smile to my in-breath.
Breathing out, I smile to my out-breath. 

Let the quality of your breathing improve naturally

Never force your breath. If your in-breath is short, let it be short. If it’s not very peaceful, let it be like that. We don’t intervene, force, or “work on” our breath. We just become aware of it, and after some time, the quality of our breathing improves naturally. Mindfulness of breathing identifies and embraces our in-breath and out-breath, like a mother going home to her child and embracing her child tenderly in her arms. You’ll be surprised to see that after one or two minutes, the quality of your breathing begins improving. Your in-breath becomes deeper, your out-breath becomes slower. Your breathing becomes more peaceful and harmonious.

Breathing in, I notice that my in-breath has become deeper.
Breathing out, I notice that my out-breath has become slower.

When you notice that your in-breath and out-breath have become more peaceful, deeper, and slower, you can offer that peace, calm, and harmony to your body. In your daily life, you may be neglecting and ignoring your body. Now is your chance to come home to your body, recognize its existence, get reacquainted, and make friends with it.

Breathing in, I’m aware of my body.
Breathing out, I release all the tension in my body. 

Rising, falling

These breathing exercises come from the Buddha himself*. They’re very easy, like child’s play. If it’s helpful, put your hand on your belly. You’ll notice that when you breathe in, your stomach is rising, and when you breathe out, your stomach is falling. Rising, falling. Especially in the lying position, it’s easy to feel your abdomen rising and falling. You’re aware of your in-breath and out-breath from the beginning to the end. Breathing like this is enjoyable. You aren’t thinking anymore—of the past, of the future, of your projects, of your suffering. Breathing becomes a pleasure, a reminder of life itself.

Breathing in, I enjoy my in-breath.
Breathing out, I enjoy my out breath

*See Thich Nhat Hanh Breathe! You Are Alive (Berkeley, CA Parallax Press, 2008)

Later on, after you’ve been able to offer that peace and to your body, helping it to release the tension, then you can identify your feelings and emotions.

Breathing in, I’m aware of the painful feeling in me.
Breathing out, I smile to the painful feeling in me.

There’s a painful feeling, but there’s also mindfulness. Mindfulness is like a mother, embracing the feeling tenderly. Mindfulness is always mindfulness of something. When you breathe mindfully, that is mindfulness of breathing. When you walk mindfully, that is mindfulness of walking. When you drink mindfully, that is mindfulness of drinking. When you’re mindful of your feelings, that’s mindfulness of feeling. Mindfulness can be brought to intervene in every physical and mental event, bringing recognition and relief.

The present moment is the only moment

I’d like to offer you a practice poem you can recite from time to time, while breathing and smiling:

Breathing in, I know I am breathing in.
Breathing out, I know I am breathing out.

As my in-breath grows deep,
My out-breath grows slow.

Breathing in, I calm my body,
Breathing out, I feel at ease.

Breathing in, I smile,
Breathing out, I release.

Dwelling in the present moment,
I know this is a wonderful moment.

You can shorten this to the words below, one word or phrase per breath:

In, Out.
Deep, Slow.
Calm, Ease.
Smile, Release.
Present Moment, Wonderful Moment.

The present moment is the only moment that is real. Your most important task is to be here and now and enjoy the present moment.

Complementary content

Here’s a meditation that teaches you to breathe consciously — guided by the venerable Thich Nhat Hahn himself. You might find it immensely useful. (Audio only)

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Sadhguru: There is no need to control anger. Right now are you angry? No. So why should you control something that does not exist? How can you control something that does not exist?

Anger is a certain level of unpleasantness, both for you and everyone around you. Most of the time, you suffer more than your victim. And when you get angry, you could do the most idiotic things of your life. It is definitely not an intelligent way to exist.

Being angry about something or the other comes from a strong sense of likes and dislikes. This comes from a very deep identification with a certain way of thinking and feeling, which according to you, is the best way to live, think and feel. When someone is not in line with that, you get angry with them. As your likes and dislikes and your identifications become stronger with something or the other, all that you are doing is excluding the existence. If you say, “I like this very much,” you are excluding the rest of the existence in a big way at that moment. The stronger the like or dislike becomes, the deeper the exclusion becomes. Anger overflows because you have not included someone or something as a part of yourself. The very process of liberation is to include, not exclude. In inclusion, you become liberated. The day when everything, the whole existence, is included in you, you are liberated. In exclusion you become trapped, you become separate.

You do not wish to be angry, of course, but it is happening because you are ascribing an outside source for what is happening within you, and that is not true. Just see that anger is something that you are creating. Why are you creating something that you do not want? There is only one basic cause, you are ignorant of yourself. If you knew how your system functions and how to manage this system, why would you create anger? Anger is not only damaging the external situation, it is also damaging the internal situation. People are causing enormous amounts of anger within and creating health problems for themselves. Accordingly, consequences will happen for external situations.

Channel your anger for something better

For every action that you perform, there is a consequence. You cannot avoid the consequence. When you cannot avoid the consequence, action should be controlled. They can be controlled only if a human being is controlled within himself or herself. When one is in perfect balance, only then will one perform harmonious action. Still, there are always consequences. There are enough consequences in the life process as it is, you do not have to go about creating new consequences for yourself. Especially if situations around you are rotten, is it not very important that you keep yourself in the most pleasant possible manner and see how to spread this pleasantness around you?

If your actions were coming from your intelligence, this is how you would act. If situations around you are hopeless, it is all the more important that you keep yourself as beautiful as possible and see how to make the situation happen the way you want. Whatever you are, that is what you will spread around you. If you are angry, you will spread anger. With anger, more unpleasantness will come into the situations around you.

Choose joy over anger

Anger is enormous intensity. Intensity is the only thing that man is seeking. The reason why all the thrillers, action movies, and sports events are so popular is because people want some intensity, somewhere. The only way they know how to be intense is either through physical action, or through anger, or through pain. The very reason why drugs and sex have become such big things in the world is because somehow, people want to experience some intensity at least for a few moments. Intensity releases you from many things. Anger could also release you from many things, but the problem with anger is, it is not pure intensity within you; it gets entangled with the situations around.

You may also like » My love affair with anger

It is not necessary that only your anger should propel you into action. The most intense experience you have had in your life is probably anger. That is the reason why you are sanctifying anger, because it propels you into action. Unfortunately, you have never known the intensity of joy or love. But love and compassion can also propel you into action very gently, but very wonderfully and effectively. At work and at home, would you like to live with angry people, or peaceful and joyful people? Obviously you would want to live with peaceful and joyous people. Please remember, everyone around you is expecting the same thing. Every human being around you is always expecting to live and work with people who are peaceful and joyful.

The post Here’s how to deal with your anger and rage appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Why is there anger in marriage?

Most people, both perpetrators and recipients, seem almost helpless in the face of anger and, having suffered for some time, either want relief from the caustic “feelings within” or from the results of expressed anger afflicting them. But one cannot remove something that is not understood. So, the first question to be asked is “What is anger?”

Anger is not just another emotion. It is a unique kind of emotion, because its first incarnation is as an instinctive reaction [though after its first appearance, it becomes an “invited” emotion]. Anger is not an innate part of one’s higher consciousness, because emotions are not innate—they are part of the cooperative system between the physical body and the ego-based mind. The purpose of anger is to protect the physical form from dangers.

When the mind becomes aware of something that suggests danger, it reacts, such reaction being instinctive. In other words, it is not a well thought out response, but an automatic one that is designed to shut off all thoughts and analysis, lest we are too slow to respond to the danger.

So, the first mental reaction to danger is “anger”. The mind perceives itself to be in danger when it does not get its way. So we can then say that anger is the instinctive reaction of the mind when it does not get its way.

The unregulated mind

The trouble arises when the mind, unregulated, continues to lower the thresholds of danger with each instance of perceived trouble. Because there is nobody controlling the mind, its automatic functions are not guided by human intelligence; the mind mechanically chooses for us what it considers dangerous. Because of their samskaras (values), some individuals have much lower thresholds than others while others have learned to “manage” their anger. Still others, through holy indifference or daya, have risen above their emotions. But know for certain: until we begin the arduous practice of managing our mind, our emotions will rule our lives, affecting not only ourselves but also those closest to us.

Necessity is the mother of invention, and pain is the prod to liberation. The mind, due to the innate drive to survive, is constantly reminding us that we are perfect in our wisdom—what a joke!

None of us are afraid to declare “I am not perfect”. Yet, in our day-to-day existence, we rarely admit to being wrong. Surely you can see this conundrum in your own life. Well, this defines the battle of battles within, between atman [consciousness] and maya [play of the world]. And we generally pay no heed to the signals, until we can no longer stand the “pain”. The pain caused by anger.

Steps to deal with anger in marriage

Whether you are a man or a woman, a loose cannon of anger, or guilt-ridden because of what you might have said or done due to anger, or if you are walking on eggshells because of your spouse’s anger, now you have had enough, and you are willing to do the work, to make the effort, to deal with anger. Good for you!

Now, that you understand that anger is a “force” which is not you, let’s see what you can do to control it, if you are the one who is the perpetrator. Alternately, if you are the “victim” of an angry spouse/partner, you have to know how to deal with them as well as your own anger.

If you follow these prescriptions, you will not have to fear anger ever again.

When anger arises within your mind it feels like everything has to give way to it. But that is only because you have not learned to disassociate from it, or see it objectively. Now, don’t get me wrong. This is simple, but it will not be easy, not in the beginning. But over time, your mind will bend to your will, and you will have more and more control. In order to get a good foothold, you should be hyper vigilant in the beginning of your efforts!

As soon as you feel it, stop the mind

Say to it, out loud if the situation allows (the subconscious mind is more impressionable to sound), “mind, stop, we are not in danger!” Be forceful, and do not allow the physical sensations to convince you that you “are” angry; you cannot be angry, you are atman (consciousness). Next, you can now decide whether you wish to go along with the “feelings” called anger, or turn the mind to a more positive view of what triggered you, and a more positive outward response.

Don’t think the feelings will simply disappear. Those feelings are purposeful to the animal body, and your mind has been reduced to an animal mind in this regard.

A human being has free will. You can choose, always. You can choose to ignore the sensations caused by anger. You can choose to observe the feelings as an intruder which is not you.

You do not have to manage the anger [it is stupid to try to redirect it; it will not be redirected into good]. But you have control over the actual energy that created the anger, and this is what you are redirecting by stopping the mind. This is where you have control, and should exercise it.

Some people who have struggled with rage for their whole lives have tried from time to time to control their fury, and have been foiled every time. While dealing with anger, the will is not strong enough. But those same people have had the will to stop themselves from going along with the anger. They have had enough willpower to step back and observe, allowing them the ability actually see how anger manipulates them and their lives.

The next step is to consider the possibilities

If you were a saint, how would you behave? Consider your ideas. If an idea is going to create a lovingly positive outcome, give it voice. Or, if the struggle continues in the mind then you need to back away from there and go someplace where you can concentrate on your mind, watching the inner triggers, hearing all the lame excuses for allowing the anger to manifest.

Your mind belongs to you. Unless you have damaged your willpower with drugs or alcohol, it is your free will that must rule your life.

Marriage is elegantly designed for happiness, and the phrase “marital bliss” is a reality. But you must do your part by feeding your spouse only love, and that is why we address anger in the case where your spouse is not in control of theirs.

Dealing with another’s ill-temper

If you are living with one who expresses their anger towards you, or your children, try the following.

In today’s world there is a lot of talk about standing up for yourself, and sometimes it is necessary to do so. But there is a fine line between standing up for yourself and being in someone’s face.

As an individual you have the ability to walk away from abuse, if only figuratively. That is the first step. If you are being abused, you can shift your mind to the role of the ultimate compassionate friend, who understands your spouse is himself being internally abused by anger.

Don’t show sympathy outwardly, because their mind will freak out, but feel sympathetic, and carefully allow their tantrum to dissipate, internally chanting, “I love you”, “I will remain your best friend” and so on. Very carefully avoid their triggers, and when they cool down again, act as if nothing happened.

This will take a great deal of strength on your part, but it works! You will have to deal with your own anger, your own sense of despair, or feelings of self-pity, and so forth. But so what? Is not life about growth? Is not life about discovering ultimate happiness? Is not life about learning how to love unconditionally?

The soul purpose of marriage is to learn to love unconditionally.

The post A spiritual solution for dealing with anger in marriage appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Often the word “cool” is used to remain in trend with the lingo used by their peer group. Even adults are seen using this word so often.

Have you ever wondered that the word’s actual meaning—of being calm and in control—is being camouflaged by a nonchalant response, when individuals might be actually suffering inside? Often, it is also used as a response to shrug off a conversation that one might not be interested in or even used as a defence to ward off a conversation that one does not want to engage in any further.

Your children are listening to your words

I saw a 10-year-old boy getting extremely angry and shouting at his classmate to stop pelting stones up in the air to a flying bird. The parent tried to calm down his son telling him, “Cool it baby. Don’t get angry.” His child was justifiably angry to watch the bird getting hurt. The parent’s correct response would have been something like, “I can understand why you are so angry. Let’s hope the stone did not hit the bird”, and further take some steps to stop his classmate from injuring anyone else. Such a response validates the child’s reaction [of objecting if he sees anyone being hit], whereas the response of asking him to be cool would make him feel that he is overreacting to the act he just witnessed. Helping his son regain his composure is important, but not at the expense of discounting his initial spontaneous response.

Expanding our emotional vocabulary is essential to improve our physical, emotional and mental levels of functioning

Take another example: When a child is able to stand up to the bully in her class and her parent says: “That was really brave of you”,  instead of “That was really cool.” The first statement is more authentic and will make the child become more aware of her inner strength.

Expressing emotions is therapeutic

Expanding our emotional vocabulary is essential to improve our physical, emotional and mental levels of functioning. Individuals with high emotional intelligence can come up with the most accurate word to describe their feelings and thus have more clarity as to what needs to be done next.

During one of her counselling sessions with me, a 30-year-old woman felt a surge of relief when she was finally able to voice her feelings over the break up of her eight year long relationship. “Today I feel real. I feel myself, as I was able to voice out what I actually feel. I feel very angry with my boyfriend. I am grieving inside. I can see my truth and I no longer feel ashamed. Life is real, it’s not just about being cool. It’s about coming in touch with oneself and rebuilding life, however painful it might be. Previously I would be hiding my feelings and telling my friends and colleagues that I am cool and that what has happened does not matter too much. Now I know I must accept reality and deal with my loss.”

There is no harm in taking shelter of the common “lingo”, provided it serves as a momentary respite to eventually leap out of our surreal cocoons and acknowledge reality. However, the need to identify and label the emotions that we are experiencing correctly is a skill that we must all develop to achieve greater emotional maturity and insight into ourselves.

The habitual vocabulary used for describing our state of mind deprives us from constructively changing how we feel emotionally about an experience

Beware of your habitual vocabulary

We all know that suppressed emotions can lead to the formation of many psychosomatic illnesses such as stomach disorders, migraines, skin problems, lethargy, muscle stiffness and many more. Therefore frequent usage of the phrase “I am cool”, although initially harmless, can reinforce a pattern of suppressing our inner emotions within and prevent us from getting in touch with our real selves and making constructive changes. The ability to acknowledge that one is anything other than “cool” requires great courage and can pave the way for greater self-awareness and emotional freedom. You could be experiencing negative emotions like “feeling used”, “broken”, “useless”, or even feeling positive emotions like, “joyful”, “happy”, “contented”—you should be able to convey them accurately.

The habitual vocabulary used for describing our state of mind deprives us from constructively changing how we feel emotionally about an experience. Another commonly used phrase is “I am depressed.” Clinical depression is poles apart from being disappointed and low. However attaching the word “depressed” to our experiences only serves to magnify its intensity and perceive it as disastrous when in reality is isn’t as bad. The more an individual keeps narrating the experience and loosely declaring that he is depressed, the more he reinforces the negative emotional state within. Rational thinking does not prevail and the consequent behaviours can be unproductive.

On the other hand, using words such as “anguished”, “sorrowful”, or “distressed” also describe what an individual is experiencing in very difficult situations, which have very different connotations from using the word “depressed” habitually.

Words convey our subconscious thoughts. It is important to use them with an awareness that would enable us to create a more meaningful relationship with ourselves and with others. Life would thus be more refreshing and cool in the truer sense, when there would be concordance in what we say with what we think and feel.

This was first published in the January 2016 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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Spending our emotions

I’ve come to appreciate that having feelings about money is actually a good thing. What gets us in trouble is when we don’t know what those feelings are. All feelings need attention and recognition, including our feelings about money, or they operate covertly. Unexamined, they can control our money behavior under the radar and lead us into making poorer money choices. We overspend, under-earn, gamble, shop impulsively, give away money and indulge in a host of other self-destructive habits. Our emotions can act out like rebellious teenagers, demanding our attention yet refusing to engage in any constructive dialogue.

The spell of rationality

So why aren’t we more mindful about money? One reason is that we are under the spell of the financial model that sees money only as something concrete and quantifiable—to be dealt with rationally. This model also regards emotional considerations as dangerous when making any kind of financial decision; so if you have feelings about money, it’s deemed best to ignore them.

This may work as a short term coping strategy, but it is disastrous in the long run. Exploring our feelings around money helps us make better decisions. Those emotions that are counterproductive and threaten to derail you need to be understood, analyzed and healed.

What are your feelings when you spend

Here’s a simple example, one that can be applied to almost any money dilemma. I put myself on a budget, limiting my spending so that I can put ‘X’ amount of savings away each month. It seems reasonable and achievable, and in fact I do very well for the first three months—until I impulsively purchase a new cell-phone. [In your case, it could be a new car, piece of jewellery, article of clothing, vacation, gift, charitable donation or any of the endless opportunities to ‘blow’ the budget.]

It feels great at the moment of the impulsive act but the next day I’m surprised and upset by the purchase as I didn’t really require a new phone and had already decided to hold off buying it. I could even become angry with myself for splurging.

Why rationality doesn’t work

In the financial model, we set a budget or financial goal and stick to it and if we go off track, there must be something wrong with us. But that is a naïve and simplistic view of our complex relationship with money.

Whether I keep the new cell-phone or return it, I need to understand what I thought I was buying—beyond the actual phone. What was the purchase saying to me? What was I hungry for? Did some incident trigger the purchase? Was I compensating for something that I lost or a bad feeling about myself? I need to analyze and identify every aspect of the tapestry of emotions that led me to take the plunge.

I have often felt that horrible sinking feeling in my stomach because of—what was in hindsight—a poor purchase decision; or when I discover I have less money in the bank than I expected or when there’s an unforeseen and vital expense. That sinking feeling should be the entry point into working to understand why I feel the way I do. It is an opportunity to better understand myself and my relationship with money. It’s more complex of course when the impulsive action has bigger consequences, but it is just as important to understand my motivation behind the purchase decision.

Mindfully managing your money

One per cent of our behavior comes from our rational mind—99 per cent is influenced by our subconscious. So it is quite unrealistic for us to expect to be rational about money all the time. Below are some suggestions that could help bring about a more balanced relationship with money; ones that take into account and make room for both your feelings and your rational mind. I promise that if you work with money from the ‘inside’, your emotions won’t get the better of you.

9 Ideas to Help You Change Your Relationship With Money

1. Make a list of all the words you associate with money

Let the words flow; don’t give much thought to them, instead just write them down as they occur to you. Keep adding to your list as you go about the day or the week. This will give you some sense of the range of feelings, thoughts, social issues, spiritual concerns and personal relationships that are affected by money. It will also provide a more realistic and balanced perception of money and what it really means to your life and the quality of your life, not in terms of what it can buy you, but in terms of how it affects your inner life.

2. Be curious

Observe your actions and reactions, without judgment. We’re full of judgments about how we spend and manage our money—either we’ve blown it or we scored! Looking at money emotionally is about seeing what is, without critiquing it as good or bad.
A woman came to see me for help with her obsessive shopping at a certain boutique. She was heavily in debt as a result and felt she was a terrible person because she couldn’t stop shopping. We worked to get her off the moral high ground from where she castigated herself, moving her instead to a place of curiosity about what this behavior might be telling her. Through curiosity, we eventually came up with what lay beneath her obsession. Identifying the underlying trigger helped her to stop her overspending.

3. Examine your emotional responses to money matters

Emotional responses to money are natural—we all experience them. This isn’t something that you need to get beyond or get through; rather, they are to be explored and understood. Listening to your feelings will teach you much about who you are, what you value, what you long for, what is out of balance and what needs more attention. Even the simple act of handing money to a sales clerk can illuminate some aspect of your relationship with money.

4. Don’t let feelings of shame stop you

Shame is unavoidable when it comes to money, but feelings of guilt and shame, although hard to deal with, will not kill you. The main source of shame is feeling judged by others as unworthy. A friend asked me how much I made and when I told her, she laughed at how little I made and I felt a deep sense of shame. Generally the trigger is something not spoken of directly, but rather sensed and sometimes imagined. I can feel shame for having more money than a friend and ten minutes later feel shame for having less money than another friend… without any change in how much I actually have.

5. Unpack your feelings about money

Family is a good place to start. Explore how each of your parents or someone else who raised you, influenced you. What did they tell you about money? How did they behave with money? How did they feel about what they had? These kinds of questions help discover what you learned about money from your family.

6. Talk with trusted others about your money dilemmas and decisions

The taboo against talking about money keeps us isolated when we deal with our money dilemmas. Through conversation we come to identify and process our dilemmas and successes—to ‘talk through’ our conflicts, struggles and blessings. This taboo is most hurtful to women, because a primary way women learn in the world is through sharing with friends.

7. Heal what needs to be healed

Find the pains and disappointments and feel them, understand them, express what needs to be expressed and heal them. Work with it as you would any other emotional issue in your life. Find other ways to nourish and support yourself that don’t involve money.

8. Recognize that there’s no single ‘right way’ to deal with money matters

We each have our own unique and complex relationship with money, full of multiple layers of experiences and contradictions. You can’t follow a formula for dealing with money emotionally; you have to start with where you are and work with who you are.

9. Bring your whole self to your money life

Include your heart felt feelings, intuition, web of relationships, vulnerabilities and strengths when dealing with money.

 This was first published in the December 2014 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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Why we need to clear negative energies

Your soul or spiritual energy has three aspects—your higher self, your soul and your heart.

Your higher self stays on the higher plane and dimensions of existence and is untouched by the negativity and challenges of life on Earth. When you are born and start a new cycle of life on the earthly planes, your soul energy unites with your physical body and from the very outset of your life it will be challenged by life experiences. These are intended to teach you and give you the opportunity to grow spiritually. As you learn and understand the purpose of your life experiences, your wisdom grows and this accumulates with all the wisdom your soul has acquired through every life time. This depository of understanding sits with your higher self, which becomes your own database of wisdom and knowledge. This higher understanding and knowing can be accessed at any time while you go about your daily life and is generally referred to as intuition—or for the male population who prefer a more grounded description—a gut feeling!

Your soul energy is connected to your higher self through your heart centre with a cord of energy. This cord or channel can be fully open or blocked. The connection is always there but remains blocked for most of us, most of the time. This means we are not fully connected and not fully in touch with our spiritual wisdom; which is why we find it difficult to make decisions or have trust in our higher self or the universe to provide for our needs and wants.

The energies that block us from our higher self are also the energies that bring down the vibrancy of our aura and general energy levels for physical, emotional and mental wellbeing. Let’s take a look at these blocking and harmful energies.

Energies that block

“All energies thoughts and feelings that are not of love will take you further and further from your goal of being fully connected to your higher self”

In the truest sense of the word, there is no negative energy, but there is energy that is heavy, unlike the light and vibrant energy of love. I call it loveless energy. However, to keep things simple and straightforward I shall use the term ‘negative energy’ to describe any atmosphere or energy that you create or attract that pulls you down and keeps you away from your higher self. Each day we pick up energies and attachments and create blocks and heaviness in our energy field. There are a number of sources of negativity and I will address those that most commonly affect us.

Thought forms created from anxious and negative thoughts

You are a moving mass of specks of energy. Although you feel dense and solid, you are in fact far from it because you are made up of energy. Therefore you are susceptible to the changing vibrations of the energies around you.

You are also affected by your own thoughts and feelings. Positive thoughts make your overall energy lighter and raise the frequency, while negative thoughts hold a heavier and denser vibration. Therefore, the more upbeat and positive you feel, the lighter is your energy; the more despondent and unhappy you are, the heavier and darker your overall energy becomes.

Apart from this overall effect, negative thoughts like anger, resentment, self-dislike, pessimism and anxiety will create actual blocks in your energy field. When you have the same negative thoughts about yourself or your life over and over again, the energies of those thoughts bind together and create a mass that obstructs the flow of energy through your system. Thoughts such as:

“I hate my body”

“I don’t know where the rent money will come from”

“I don’t have enough clients—I fear my business will fail”

“I wonder if this lump is cancer”

“I am so scared of dying”

“I am so useless—my mother was right”

All these will stay with you and bring you down, spiritually, emotionally and physically.

Avoiding other people’s negative thoughts

Your own negativity acts as a magnet to attract negative people and situations. As you heal [transform the energy from dark to light] your own scars, hurts, imprints and thoughts, you will find that you are affected less and less by the negativity of others. But while you are going through the healing process—which can take time—it’s advisable to use protection. Here are a few ways that you can keep yourself clear:

• Visualise yourself surrounded by a  violet flame of protection—this will clear both other people’s thought forms and your own.
• See yourself in a bubble of light that has thick walls through which nothing but love can enter; all emotional shafts that come towards you bounce off the walls.

How to get rid of negative energy

Here is a process that works well to clear and lighten your energy field. The principle we are using here is that you are dispersing the balls of negative energy that cling to each other like a magnet. These are your negative thoughts, which are drawn like to like to create blocks. Negativity from other people will be attracted in the same way. Once you release your negativity, you will find you are not a magnet for outside negativity either.

• Find a quiet place and shut the door—even if this is the loo at work!
• Use your hands as combs. Sweep and comb through your energy field and flick away the energies—this will disperse them.
• Hold the intention of lightening your energy field and clearing all that is not supporting and lifting you. If you are completely alone, say “I release all negativity that is in and attached to my aura” [say it in your head if you can be overheard].
• If you are in your own home, it’s useful to flick the unwanted energies into a bowl of water and sea salt, for salt attracts and holds negativity and it will help to keep your room clear.

What you need for successful self-healing

The process of self-healing requires:

• Awareness : You need to acknowledge that you have something that needs healing
• Intention : Set your mind and will to heal and gain understanding
• Open your mind and heart to allow the healing to happen : Set this intention by holding your hands, prayer style, in front of first your heart then your forehead then open them wide
• See the signs and read your body : Keep your awareness high as the energies you need come towards you
• Let it happen in its own time and don’t stress about the process : Go with the flow of it!

Healing happens when energies are allowed to change, when you are prepared to let the emotions flow, when you are honest with yourself, when your desire to be happier, lighter and free is stronger than your fear of the change.

Lastly, remember that healing will never happen whilst you blame yourself, other people, your circumstances or even the government!

Excerpted with permission from The Soul Connection By Anne Jones, published by Piatkus

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For one thing, you probably feel like you don’t have the right to defend yourself, yes? Most people feel that it’s wrong to express anger, especially against people they love or respect, so they swallow their feelings instead.

Yet, this reaction is neither helpful nor needed. Understand that you are not obliged to own the actions or feelings of other people, no matter who they are. Although tempting, stewing over such things only leads to angst and bitterness.

But how do you prevent other people’s insults, criticisms or downright rudeness from causing you pain? Do you really have what it takes to protect yourself from the emotional tyranny of others? Can you even do this without causing more trouble? I believe you can. So let’s talk about how this is done.

There are no bad emotions

When we are at odds with someone, it can be hard to tell who is right or wrong. But I promise you that you can never be wrong for having an emotional reaction. That’s like saying birds should be ashamed of flying. At no time should you feel guilty for simply feeling anger, shock or any other emotion. Put in another way, it’s okay to feel whichever way you like.

As children we are often taught to refrain from being too wild, too loud or too angry. And no matter how old you get, this message stays stuck in your head. This is why we often struggle with intense emotion. We let it riddle us with guilt, fear and a deep-seated urge to remain silently dissatisfied.

However, having strong feelings, especially after someone has emotionally crushed you, isn’t wrong; in fact it’s normal. The question isn’t whether or not your feelings are okay. The real question is how to find a beneficial way to express and protect your feelings without producing guilt or regret in yourself.

To be understood you must first understand yourself

Before you go around blaming people for how you feel, you must first examine yourself. This is uncomfortable. No one likes to see their own flaws or admit that they might have something to do with a negative situation. But self-reflection is crucial. For example, let’s say you believe that your boss hates you with passion. He doesn’t like how you dress, speak or work. And so, whenever he’s around you feel nervous and awkward.

But what’s really happening? Is it that your boss hates you or could it be that you hate your boss but don’t feel that it’s right to feel that way? Is your boss really a bad person, or does she remind you of someone else you don’t like? Is it really this single person that burns you up inside or could it be that she represents something larger that you despise? The sources of our feelings aren’t always clear-cut. Take the time to examine why you feel the way you do, for hurt feelings are nearly always softened by careful thought.

Realise that it may not be about you

Sometimes when people struggle in life they take it out on others. Usually this happens when people unconsciously express personal stress without knowing it. That doesn’t mean that it is okay for someone to be abusive simply because they are stressed; it just means that sometimes it is helpful to imagine yourself standing in their place before you judge their actions. It is important to remember that empathy and compassion toward others, including people we dislike, can change our feelings even in the most difficult situations.

Accept that you cannot read minds

When someone does something to upset you, you’ll often try to read his mind to decrease your own anxiety. It’s a primitive way of preventing a worst-case scenario from happening. This, of course, is preposterous. Not only is your mind reading in vain, but it also increases anxiety and misunderstanding. It even gets in the way of using more effective problem-solving skills. Things like silence, assumption and sloppy guess work will only serve to intensify a situation rather than resolve it.

The key to protecting your feelings

So far we’ve talked about what to do when someone does something to hurt you:

• Acknowledge how you feel
• Understand why you feel that way
• Try not to take it  personally
• Try not to guess why the person did what they did.

But that’s not all. Perhaps the most important thing you can do to protect your feelings is to set clear boundaries with people. While you’re obviously not going to go around providing people with a list of rules, when someone does offend you, it is critical that you speak up.

To be fair, people sometimes have moments of stupidity and unintentionally act badly; forgive those people. However, if you notice a harmful pattern in the way someone treats you, then you must act. Tell the offending party how and why you were offended, but most importantly, clearly state that you will not tolerate their bad behaviour.

If expressing your concern directly is not an option, then introduce some space. Limit the time you spend with people that emotionally drain you and fail to respect your boundaries. You can even be kind about it. Trying to feel compassion and empathy for them will help you to increase your tolerance and patience towards them. Your gentle reserve will send a clear message that will be heard with time.

Whenever you take personal responsibility for someone else’s behaviour, you’re setting yourself up for sorrow, rage and anxiety. When you fail to care about yourself and your needs as much as you care for others, you are also setting the expectation that you are okay with people treating you poorly.

My advice to you: be kind and firm with others and you will better protect your feelings from bad behaviour.

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Speaking from experience, what we in helping professions or volunteer work don’t realize is that people aiding those who suffer need to take care of themselves as well. We are often so focused on others that we forget to pay attention to ourselves or don’t know that we need to. Worse, it might seem selfish to us to try and meet our own needs, and even to enjoy life while others are suffering.

The self-care concept is often taken more seriously with other types of work, especially work that tends to tax the body—jobs that involve heavy lifting, repetitive movement, a high noise level or sun exposure. But, no matter what we believe, it’s crucial that we look after ourselves during the course of caring for others; otherwise we might end up with compassion fatigue and, in the end, lose the very ability we have to help others.

What is Compassion Fatigue?

Compassion fatigue develops when we witness or frequently listen to the traumatic stories of someone who is experiencing pain and fear and inadvertently take on some of that person’s symptoms. Other terms also used to express this are: ‘compassion stress’, ‘vicarious traumatization’, ‘secondary traumatization’ and ‘secondary traumatic stress’.

Amelia Lake [not her real name] a psychotherapist, describes the syndrome in this way: “[It feels like] I am the empathy lady from the old Star Trek episode, and I get maybe a 45 per cent hit of what my patients might be feeling 100 per cent.”

Who Is at Risk?

A survey showed that “86.9 per cent of emergency response personnel reported symptoms after exposure to highly distressing events with traumatized people.”

The term ‘compassion fatigue’ is usually reserved for professionals such as psychotherapists, physicians, emergency teams and others. But you don’t need to have a ‘degree’ to develop compassion fatigue. Family members or anyone who takes care of someone who is [or was] traumatized, is in emotional or physical pain, or suffers from a terminal illness can experience compassion fatigue.

According to one study, the caregiver is more at risk when the patient or the caregiver feels helpless and the patient is reluctant or resists getting well or taking direction.

Warning Signals of Compassion Fatigue

Warning signals can be physical, psychological or spiritual. Therapist Nicola Rogers [not her real name] was surprised to find that she had carried her client’s symptoms for days, and she described experiencing “tightness in the exact same spot” as the client.

Amelia observed that her response to a patient was to feel as if she were walking around in an altered state. “I didn’t realize that I had been in a grey space all year. [It] had sort of crept in,” and “it got to the point where I would feel physically [nauseated] before the appointment.”

Take time out for yourself when you notice that you feel:

• Emotionally exhausted, lacking in energy, overwhelmed to the point of apathy, numbness or just an inability to listen
• Irritated by or critical of the person, or preoccupied with thoughts about that person
• Isolation, helplessness, depression, anxiety, hyper-vigilance, withdrawal or have ruminating thoughts or nightmares
• An overwhelming sense of sadness and grief
• Hopelessness  and suffer a loss of faith.

Compassion fatigue can affect you on a physical level as well. If you don’t look after yourself, you could end up with muscle tightness, weight gain, headaches, sleep difficulties and stomach issues.

What You Should Do

Taking care of others can be very stressful. However, the goal is not to forego caring for others altogether and become the cold person we often meet when we’ve stepped into some medical office or sat on the sofa in a psychotherapist’s office. The goal is to practise physical and psychological awareness and self-care in order to reduce or prevent the natural side effects of the helper’s syndrome.

Amelia advises, “If I stop sensing my body, I pause and just take a moment.” Giving ourselves permission to pause, check in with our body, take a deep breath, and make small movements helps our nervous system to stay calm.

You have to be aware of when something within you is shifting. Paying attention to your body’s signals, such as fatigue or psychological signals like anxiety or depression lets you know that you need to take care of yourself now.

Caring for Yourself Is Caring for Others

What would best nurture you? Is it taking time to be alone at home, getting in touch with nature, or socializing and talking to friends? What resources do you have in place? Having a support system, maintaining an appropriate workload with time off, balancing your life with relaxation are ways to reduce the stress of caring for others. Doing these might help to prevent compassion fatigue. [Also read: A dozen sure-shot ways to dissolve stress]

Yes, taking care of others can be taxing, but it can also be very fulfilling, offer a meaningful purpose in life, be transformative, provide deeper connections and contribute to our own personal growth and appreciation for life. Even though not everyone develops compassion fatigue, it’s normal, natural, and, to a certain degree, to be expected. So why not practice self-care from the outset?

My Brush with Compassion Fatigue

While working as a trauma therapist in private practice, I recently had started feeling dazed—to the point of staring into space—and experiencing nightmares. I felt as if I wanted to withdraw from everyone: my friends and my clients. I recognized that this was not ‘me’. I love working with my clients, and although I need time to be alone, I usually want to visit my friends. I recognized my personal warning signals and examined why this was happening.

It struck me that I had been working with a very sweet, young female client who, due to chronic pain, had not been able to work. I felt helpless and worried about her future. One day, she told me she hadn’t eaten, so I gave her my energy bars and almonds but wondered what she would eat for dinner. I provided a few resources from where she could get food, but still, I was struck by the fear that she wouldn’t have enough food. I started thinking about her all day long.

I realized that I hadn’t been debriefing with my colleagues and friends as much as I usually do and, therefore, didn’t have the emotional support or resources that I needed. I had not been reconnecting with others enough, so my client’s world had become mine. I had taken on her fears. I started to worry about what would happen to me if I couldn’t work.

I determined to take positive action towards my own well-being: I planned a long hike in nature, consulted with other colleagues, reached out to my friends and family and lit a candle for my client’s wellbeing. Finally, my world began to look brighter again, and my concentration returned to where it needed to be.

(Editor’s note: The following sections have been added by the Complete Wellbeing editorial team to expand on the original article.)

Compassion Fatigue vs Burnout: What’s the Difference?

The terms are often used interchangeably, but they describe different experiences, and the distinction matters when it comes to recovery.

Burnout develops gradually from prolonged workplace stress: an unmanageable workload, lack of autonomy, a working environment that feels thankless, or even boredom. It tends to build slowly and is generally linked to the job itself. A person experiencing burnout feels chronically exhausted, disengaged and cynical, but their distress is rooted in their own circumstances.

Compassion fatigue (also described as empathy exhaustion, helper burnout or caregiver fatigue) works differently. It stems not from one’s own situation, but from absorbing the pain of others. It can develop quickly, sometimes after a single deeply distressing encounter, and often catches the helper off guard. Where burnout tends to produce detachment and cynicism, compassion fatigue frequently produces something closer to the symptoms of trauma: intrusive thoughts, emotional numbness, hyper-vigilance and a pervasive sense of dread.

Another way to think about it: burnout is what happens when the work depletes you; compassion fatigue is what happens when someone else’s suffering gets inside you.

The two can and do co-exist, but identifying which is at play helps determine the most effective path forward.

How to Recover From Compassion Fatigue

Whether you call it empathy burnout or describe is as simply being emotionally drained from helping others, recovery from compassion fatigue begins with recognizing that what’s happening has a name, and that it is a recognized, natural response to sustained emotional exposure.

From there, recovery tends to work on a few levels:

Create deliberate distance. No, you don’t have to abandon the people in your care. But you can build structured breaks into a caregiving routine, time where the focus is entirely on one’s own needs. Even small, consistent pauses can begin to interrupt the cycle of absorption.

Debrief regularly. As the author notes in her own experience, isolation accelerates compassion fatigue. Talking to a trusted colleague, friend or therapist about what one is carrying, rather than internalizing it, is one of the most effective tools for relief. For professionals, formal supervision or peer support groups serve this purpose well.

Reconnect with the body. Because compassion fatigue often manifests physically (tension, fatigue, sleep difficulties or a general sense of numbness), physical activity, time in nature, and practices like breath work or meditation can help restore a sense of groundedness and presence.

Seek professional support when needed. If symptoms persist or worsen, particularly if intrusive thoughts, nightmares or emotional shutdown are present, speaking with a therapist trained in trauma or caregiver support is strongly advised. Compassion fatigue responds well to treatment; the key is catching it before it becomes chronic.

Recovery is rarely linear, and the timeline varies from person to person. But with the right support, most people find their way back to a place where caring for others feels meaningful again.

Related » My Partner Has Depression: How to Help Without Burning Out

In Closing

Call it compassion fatigue, caregiver exhaustion, helper burnout, caregiver fatigue, it is far more common than most people realize, and far more serious than it is usually treated. It affects professionals and family caregivers alike.

The capacity to feel deeply for others is a gift. But like any resource, it needs to be replenished. Paying attention to the warning signs, building genuine self-care into daily life, and reaching out for support when the weight becomes too much — these are the practices that keep compassion alive for the long term. As the author puts it: caring for yourself is caring for others.

A version of this article first appeared in the December 2014 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

Last updated on 21^st February 2026

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