You may also relate to other common struggles of people who feel insecure and overly dependent. They often have an underlying sense that they are inadequate, unworthy of love, and essentially flawed. They have strong fears of rejection and often feel jealous as they scan for evidence of their spouse finding someone better than them. Because they feel emotionally weak or oversensitive, they frequently become overwhelmed by emotion and look to their partner to help comfort them.

As an insecure person, you probably also have a sense that you need to earn your spouse’s acceptance and love. You might place your spouse on a pedestal and work overtime to meet their needs. Unfortunately, this reinforces your sense that you are below them, inherently unworthy of their love or appreciation—except as a reward for the things you do. It increases your self-doubt and motivates you to keep your opinions to yourself. As a result, you might rely very much on your spouse to make most decisions for you—from picking a restaurant to choosing the best career path for you.

It can be helpful to assess how your partner’s personal style affects your marriage. Your spouse may be basically secure and comfortable with looking for support from you. They are likely to be reassuring and encourage you to feel secure in the relationship. If this describes your marriage, choose to take in the positive and allow yourself to grow from the experience.

However, like many insecure people, you might have chosen a partner who tends to be highly self-sufficient and avoids vulnerable emotions in themselves and their spouse. These marriages are fraught with conflict. You might cry out for attention, only to have your spouse withdraw; prompting you to press for attention again, perpetuating a never-ending cycle of pursuit-withdrawal.

Though marital patterns related to insecurity and overdependence can become entrenched, the good news is that they can also be changed. The key is for you and your spouse to be willing to work on improving your relationship.

Nurture your own personal growth

You must be willing to challenge yourself to grow as a person. By nurturing a sense that you have value as you are—that you don’t have to overcome some basic inadequacy—you can begin to engage more fully in your marriage. You can share more of your thoughts, feelings and opinions. And you can feel free to explore your interests independent of your spouse.

You might grow through psychotherapy or through efforts at finding personal validation in work, pursued interests, and other personal relationships. You might also look into books, online resources and workshops to help nurture personal growth.

In the end, by strengthening your sense of self, you will become a different partner. This can lead to a stronger marriage. But be forewarned, if your partner prefers a more dependent partner, they may resist your change and your marriage may become turbulent. It might interest you to know that I’ve never worked with anyone in therapy who has regretted their growth, even when it resulted in this kind of difficulty.

Encourage personal growth in your spouse

If your spouse is secure and emotionally mature, they might simply need to be extra supportive and encouraging, letting you know without question that you are loved and respected. Then it’s up to you to take in that acceptance and love, allowing you to develop a strong, more independent sense of yourself.

However, if your spouse tends to avoid emotions, they may need to grow personally in order to fully value and appreciate you. You will probably need to express your needs strongly, prompting this kind of growth. You might even look to couples therapy for help to express yourself and to open your spouse to responding in a more positive, connected way to you.

Make your marriage a safe haven

It’s essential that you and your spouse feel that you are supportive of each other—that you feel safe in turning to each other for support during difficult times. Even when you disagree, you want to feel safe with, and loved by, each other. This kind of safe haven is created when you can consistently act in a way that communicates that you care about and respect one another. When people feel safe with each other, they also trust one another and feel freer to be fully themselves.

Make your marriage a secure base from which you can explore personal interests

For a marriage to be successful, both people need to pursue their individual interests and live life according to their values. When you live as less than a whole person—as you do when you ignore self-care and self-interest to attend to your spouse—you cannot connect in a fully intimate way because you aren’t fully there.

Asserting your thoughts, feelings and desires might feel very intimidating. You may fear being rejected or abandoned if you divert energy away from attending to your spouse; or if you express any differences of opinion. The reality is that when you have a spouse who truly loves and respects you, they want you to be fully yourself.

Be emotionally available for each other

To enjoy a happy marriage, both people need to truly be there for each other. You cannot have an intimate relationship if you don’t interact very much, or if you are simply clocking time and not really sharing from your heart. So, make sure that you and your spouse are warm and affectionate with each other, spend quality time together, and show each other genuine caring.

By doing all you can to nurture personal growth and feel your spouse’s support, you will find that you develop a stronger sense of self. You will be less fearful of rejection. And you will grow, becoming increasingly true to your genuine self. With time, you will have less of a need to depend on your spouse. And eventually, you will change from being dependent upon your spouse to having a relationship in which you are both interdependent. That is, you will feel that you and your spouse can act independently but also choose to rely or depend upon each other for support, encouragement, and maintaining a shared life. Once you reach this level of interdependent connection, you find happiness and fulfillment in yourself and in your marriage.

The post Are You the Overdependent One in Your Marriage? appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

What anxiety feels like

Your heart races; you get the sweats; your mind is uncontrollable, racing or forgetful; it’s difficult to concentrate. Your adrenal glands work overtime and you frequently have a “fight and flight” reaction. You feel as if at any moment you could malfunction or explode, so you avoid situations and people. Your emotions are out of control; the panic overcomes you and you may feel disconnected from your surroundings, dizzy, sick in the stomach, or have chest pains. Your sleep and appetite are disrupted, leaving you feeling unwell and exhausted. You get the drift…

How anxiety affects your life

Anxiety may impact your work, your relationships, your belief in yourself, and your trust in life. Many people with anxiety self-medicate or attempt to escape with drugs or alcohol which, in turn, lead to neurotransmitter imbalances in the brain. You feel mental, but you are not! You are a victim of circumstances; you are only suffering because an intolerable situation in your past has become deeply ingrained in your subconscious.

What causes anxiety

At the heart of most anxiety is trauma, sometimes from as long as 10 or 20 years ago. But the impact of the trauma is deeply ingrained in your subconscious, causing a fear-based belief system that has changed your perception of life while affecting your speech, behaviour, and reality.

Some possible reasons for your anxiety could be

1. Childhood abuse [physical, verbal or sexual]
2. Witnessing a traumatic incident
3. Being involved in a car accident
4. Negative thinking [habitual]
5. Abusive relationship [past or current]
6. Diagnosed conditions: Depression, OCD, PTSD, Personality Disorders, Bi-Polar, etc.,
7. Acquired brain injury or large blow to head
8. Past heavy drug or alcohol abuse
9. Past bullying
10. Past trauma when you felt powerless – Event or natural disaster

Impact of trauma

When traumatised, you will often have flashbacks, sleep disruption, nightmares; you will avoid people and places; you will feel anger, guilt, shame, low self-esteem, hopelessness, and maybe even get thoughts of committing suicide.

When you have significant trauma, your body replays the traumas like a record player that is stuck – your trauma plays over and over. As a consequence, your body gets trapped in the world of triggers. You may find yourself becoming hyper-vigilant, fearful, jumpy, on edge, and of course, angry. It doesn’t take much, and you are like a volcano erupting. Standard counselling techniques may not be enough to end this torment. Your anxiety may be the result of years of trauma, or it could be a part of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder [PTSD], where you have been in a life/death situation. Maybe you didn’t view an event as serious, but your mind/body are still having trouble resolving and processing this. You need an expert in trauma; someone who is trained in treating PTSD, or someone who works on three levels: Mind, Subconscious Mind and Body.

Coping with anxiety: 10 things you can do to help yourself right now

Listen to and challenge your thoughts

With over 70,000 thoughts per day, this is going to be a challenge. You have been programmed by friends, family, teachers, and the media, to see yourself and life a certain way—either negative or positive. You are also programming yourself every day. When coping with anxiety, it’s vital to listen to your thoughts, to ensure you are not criticising yourself or making incorrect assumptions about circumstances. You may need help, using CBT [Cognitive Behaviour Therapy] with a counsellor or psychologist, to improve your thoughts, to ensure you don’t get into the habit of ‘black and white’ thinking, etc., which inflames anxiety further.

Walk

Aim for at least three 30-minute brisk walks per week to improve the balance of serotonin and dopamine in your brain—these are essential for improving your sense of wellbeing. Also, when you exercise, you are actively reducing cortisol, which is a stress hormone that makes anxiety worse. In addition, exercise creates endorphins, which is nature’s way of making you feel great and make you emotionally more resilient.

Give your body rest

Anxiety causes an overload on many of your organs, your nervous system, and your adrenal glands. Try listening to music or using meditation to slow down or distract yourself from erratic thoughts. Take time out daily—just for you—to focus on relaxation, your hobbies and rejuvenating. Support your overwhelmed body to stay well and avoid illness, common in anxiety. Rest the body, and the mind will follow.

Eat healthy and regular meals

Quality carbohydrates and proteins improve your serotonin levels, ensuring that you have continued strength and your blood sugar levels are more consistent. Many people with anxiety skip meals, and don’t eat well, adding to the overload on the body. Never do that.

Sit in the sun

Aim for 15 minutes in the sun daily. This is great to help you absorb vitamin D, and make you more relaxed. Being kind to yourself is key to changing your life. Start with small steps, and these will soon become big steps.

Live for you

Constantly ask yourself, “What do I feel like doing right now?” Too many people live for others, leaving them feeling controlled or overwhelmed. When you feel unheard, disrespected or manipulated, this sense of powerlessness only adds to your fatigue, and contributes to anxiety. Take your power back.

Ask for help

Healthy emotional boundaries are important in improving our emotions. If you need help, reach out for help. Anxiety is exhausting, and you may need help in many areas of your life, while you are transitioning.

Stop being so hard on yourself

You didn’t ask to be traumatised, did you? No one asks for anxiety. This happened to you. It’s not your fault, but you can get help. You are not inadequate; you are suffering. You usually can’t fix this alone. Reach out for help.

See your doctor

See your doctor and ask for the Mental Health Plan [where available], so that you may get FREE [or subsidised] 6-10 sessions with a psychologist who specialises in trauma and anxiety. The doctor may recommend medication to improve an imbalance of neurotransmitters in your brain, such as Serotonin or Dopamine.

Go deep—get professional help for your trauma with a specialist

Following are three techniques that can help reduce trauma, by working not just with thoughts…but working with the mind, the Subconscious mind and the body. These ‘deep’ methods have caused many [including myself] to experience profound healing and change. Feel free to Google or YouTube these techniques, to learn more and find the psychologist/therapist in your area that specialises in one of these three techniques:

1. Somatic Therapy [Founder Peter Levine]: Learn to heal trauma by working with a somatic trained therapist to regulate emotions and body, in the here and now.
2. EMDR Eye Movement De-sensitisation [Founder Dr Shapiro]: Learn to heal trauma by re-processing the memories in the subconscious, by working with a therapist trained in EMDR.
3. Brainspotting [Founder David Grand]: Learn how the eyes and subconscious work together to find the spots of trauma in the subconscious, then release and re-process these emotions and trauma by working with a therapist trained in Brainspotting.

Healing the past

20 years ago, I was in crisis, so I know how it feels. I want you to really enjoy your life and experience more peace, control and happiness without experiencing daily panic and anxiety. My second book Are You Listening? Life is Talking to You has helped many feel re-connected to life again. It all starts with you… I want you to have the best life possible, and for that reason, I spent five years writing this book – for those in crisis. With these tools, and with a little help from a trauma expert, healing is possible. May your love for yourself and your life deepen more daily.

The post Coping with anxiety: 10 things you can do to help yourself right now appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

There was something in those beautiful dark eyes which prevented me from sleeping for almost a week. I grew curious about her. This curiosity resulted in a beautiful friendship between both of us.

She was a post-graduation student. I proposed to her within a year. She was taken aback and whispered timidly, “Sorry dear. I know we both share a relationship that is deeper than friendship. I would love to accept your proposal but our society would never accept us. I am older than you. Besides, our faiths are different. I cannot let down my parents.”

There was something in those beautiful dark eyes which prevented me from sleeping for almost a week

She walked away as she said this and I stood there hoping she would turn back. As if something in her heard my hopes, she ran back to me, kissed me hard and said, “But I cannot live without you.”

And there was no turning back from there on. 10 years passed. We became inseparable. She waited for me to complete my Bachelor’s degree and supported me while I got settled. She became my life support.

But our relationship was riddled with insecurity. Most things can be mended but faith once betrayed is hard to mend. We were always suspicious that the other was having a secret affair. We became possessive to the point of ruthlessly invading each other’s space.

Tensions between us mounted. Discussions didn’t help. Instead there were more outbursts, quarrels and anxieties that led to depression. We tried hard but eventually came to an understanding that some relationships must end in friendship instead of a life partnership.

The breakup left me shattered. I took to alcoholism and eventually quit my job. My friends suggested counselling. One morning, whilst still in bed with a heavy hangover, I was making plans to end my life. With my paramedical background, I realised I needed help. I immediately made an appointment with a counsellor. On reaching there, I poured my heart out and breathed a sigh of relief. Fortunately for me, my life started getting back normal after a few sessions.

We tried hard but eventually came to an understanding that some relationships must end in friendship instead of a life partnership

Two years later, I saw her again at our University’s Silver Jubilee Meet. We crossed paths but didn’t dare to make eye contact. Standing apart from the crowd I watched her walking gracefully in a pink saree. Somewhere, the deep pain was relapsing again. I wanted to hug her, kiss her tight but knew deep down that she was with someone else.

Amidst the pain, I felt a warm hand holding my sweaty palm and softly whispering to me, “Go talk to her, it will ease your tension.” I saw a beautiful lady dressed in blue besides me. She was my wife—my friend for life. I kissed her on her forehead and said, “No, that’s a hallucination from the past. I’m lucky to be with you; my present and my future.”

Today, my partner knows my past as I know hers. She has given me the space to express myself, values my privacy and understands me better than I do. She gives me the conviction that some partnerships do end in great friendships. My prompt action in seeking counselling helped me step away from the brink of taking my own life, and her presence has strengthened my will to live.

As told to Joyeeta Talukdar

The post How My Wife Helped Me Heal From Past Heartbreak appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Asperger’s Syndrome [AS] is a mild form of autism. Considered to be a neurological condition, AS affects many successful adults in the IT, science, engineering, technology, finance, and even medical professions. Low-functioning children with autism often have a borderline or lower than average IQ and many lack verbal language. Higher-functioning adults are the reverse. Many of them have sophisticated vocabularies and IQs that are in the average to superior range. In fact, those with the more “invisible” brand of autism often thrive in academia and even become leaders in the fields of science, technology, finance, or engineering. But while their IQs are higher, their EQs are low. Their brains are uniquely configured to work with machines, data, facts and figures; however, they struggle to express their emotions or understand the feelings and needs of another person. While often successful at institutions such as IIT and MIT, they lack insight into how their behaviours and words affect those around them.

Take the case of Mitu, a woman married to Aman, a man with AS. Mitu came to see me for counselling because she was desperately lonely and unhappy in her relationship. Aman barely spoke to her other than to discuss their children’s homework and his parents’ ailments. And his interactions with their two children were confined to checking their daily homework. Mitu said that Aman had always been a loner and had no real friends to speak of. He also seemed overwhelmed by his job as a software engineer and wedged-out in front of the TV most nights, completely ignoring his family. Without conversation and physical or verbal affection from her husband, Mitu became deeply depressed. When she tried to speak to him about these issues, he would shut her down by telling her to “stop nagging and go see a psychologist” to find out why she was so unhappy!

Asperger’s Syndrome affects many successful adults in the IT, science, engineering, technology, finance, and even medical professions

Life can become very painful for spouses like Mitu. Prior to learning about AS, Mitu had mistakenly come to believe that it was all her fault. Over time, she became increasingly depressed and when she tried to confide in close friends or family members, they would say, “What are you talking about? Your husband is such a nice guy,” or the popular, “all men are like that!” Only Mitu knew that her experience of marriage was traumatising and unusual. She felt exhausted and was beginning to have health issues brought on by stress and the complete lack of emotional connection with her husband.

Obtaining a diagnosis

The big problem right now is that the majority of doctors or couples counsellors do not know about adults with AS. Most would dismiss a spouse in Mitu’s position if she tried to seek help by saying, “Are you sure it’s not just a personality clash?” Or, “Seems like you might need to work on your anger issues.” Even if they met someone like Aman, they wouldn’t see that something is different or odd about him because they might consider that he has a successful career or a “normal” demeanour. Adults with AS can be very well groomed, physically attractive, and verbally skilled. Even well-meaning professionals might not pick up on the more subtle signs of their social awkwardness and lack of emotionality. When the professionals don’t see how the wife could possibly struggle in a relationship with someone who presents himself so well, they may attribute the problem to the wife and assume that she is lacking in maturity.

Adults with Asperger’s Syndrome can be very well groomed, physically attractive, and verbally skilled

A diagnosis is best done by an Asperger-specialist who is experienced in identifying adult AS. In my work, I take a comprehensive written and verbal history of the individual. I speak with the wife about her experience in the marriage. I also conduct the diagnostic interview over a total of four sessions and observe how the person behaves and interacts with me during this time.

Reading about and understanding Asperger’s Syndrome

If you are in a situation similar to Mitu’s, and there aren’t any avenues of professional help locally, reading books and articles on AS and marriage can be the first step into really considering whether your husband has AS or not. Sometimes the husband is open to learning about the information that his wife gathers. He might even be relieved to learn that his brain is different and that he’s not a jerk. Alternately, some men resist the idea that they are lacking in EQ. No matter if your husband is open to hearing about AS or not, keep speaking to him about it when you feel like there is an opening. Individuals with AS can often come across as rude and intimidating with their sharp logic and biting tone; my advice would be to not give up. Patiently continue to read and even get counselling with an Asperger-specialist.

Taking care of yourself

If your spouse has Asperger’s Syndrome, it’s imperative that you take really good care of yourself and prioritise your health, otherwise you may be at risk of developing numerous mental and physical ailments. This is even more so if you’ve been blaming yourself for the challenges in the marriage and if you have no other emotional support in the form of family or friends. You can also become aware of how your own behaviours may add to the conflict in your relationship, and learn to change some of the ways in which you interact with your spouse.

Strategies for coping with your partner’s AS

Many individuals struggle with mental health issues in addition to numerous AS traits. If you realise that your spouse is struggling with anxiety, depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder [OCD], or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder [ADHD] in addition to AS, you may need to help her work with an AS-specialist around these issues.

If your spouse is extra sensitive to smells, sounds or touch, learning more about sensory sensitivities can be useful. Sensory sensitivities and a low EQ can often lead to physical intimacy issues, which need to be addressed.

Individuals with Asperger’s Syndrome can often come across as rude and intimidating with their sharp logic and biting tone

If your husband/wife with AS has difficulties picking up facial cues, vocal intonations, and body language, they might monopolise or struggle to initiate and hold conversations. You might feel frustrated, lonely and abandoned by their lack of reciprocity and communication. Therefore, you may have to deliberately schedule time for regular conversations and doing fun activities together. You may need to create calendars and schedules to help your spouse stay focused and organised as many individuals with AS struggle to manage and prioritise time, tasks and space.

Your spouse with AS may also have trouble understanding, predicting and responding to your thought-feeling state. He/she may unintentionally or intentionally make negative comments and do things that can come across as insensitive and hurtful to you. Expressing more compliments and positive observations instead of criticisms is something they can learn to do.

Asperger-Specific couples counselling

Couples often report to me that working with a counsellor who is unfamiliar with AS was unhelpful and, in some cases, even harmful. In general, it is important to invest in a couple’s counsellor who specialises in AS and has experience in working with couples since the dynamics of a conflict-ridden relationship requires not only a wise and compassionate approach, but also solutions to get you unstuck and moving forward. As an AS-specialist and couple’s counsellor, I teach both the spouses in the marriage about AS. I interpret their points of view and help them understand each other better. I also help them to implement practical strategies in their relationship. Without proper understanding and solutions, marriages where one partner might have AS can be painful and challenging, but many couples are able to improve their relationships by learning about AS and by finding the appropriate help.

A version of this article was first published in the February 2016 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

The post What to Do When Your Partner Has Asperger’s syndrome appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Sandhya suffers from hidden depression. Most of us have some idea of the symptoms of depression—those persistent feelings of sadness, loss of interest in people and activities, a negative mindset toward situations, decreased appetite and sudden weight loss. What is less known is that several people suffer from severe depression without showing any of these signs. So, how do we recognize if a loved one is suffering from hidden depression?

How to Recognize If Your Loved One Has Hidden Depression

Here are some characteristic features that could indicate that a person you know and care about needs help:

Enforced Joie-de-Vivre

Like Sandhya, such people always put on a happy face for the world. However, this is a façade. Deep down, they are suffering with feelings of utter desolation, which is so unbearable and unthinkable that they prefer to escape into a world of forced gaiety. If you are perceptive and observant, you will notice fleeting moments when the façade vanishes and you get a glimpse into the dismay that the person may actually be experiencing.

Erratic Sleeping and Eating Patterns

Most people with hidden depression have an odd relationship with food. You will often find them constantly eating, as though trying to fill up the void in their life with food. They will be especially drawn toward cakes, chocolates, or other sugary foods that create a temporary feeling of happiness and wellbeing.

They also suffer from fitful sleep patterns. Most of them are likely to be night owls, staying up till the wee hours and falling asleep with great difficulty. While they function reasonably well in the daytime, they may, on holidays, sleep through the entire day to make up for the lack of sleep.

Super-busy Lifestyle

They are constantly busy doing something. They are often energy powerhouses, flitting from one task to the other with a focus that may seem too intense to others. Keeping busy is a convenient way of keeping your feelings and emotions at bay, and these people have honed this art to perfection. Thus, you may find them taking on excessive responsibilities at work, at home and also having a full social calendar.

Elusive Aches and Pains or Chronic Fatigue

They often complain of vague aches and pains—headaches, backaches and stomach upsets being the most common. Or they may be in a state of perennial exhaustion, ready to crash physically at a moment’s notice.

Reckless Behavior

Play with fire is what people with hidden depression often love to do. They are casual, careless and flippant about their health, their safety and even their life. You may often notice them drinking excessively, clubbing or partying too much, driving too fast, spending too much, and generally treating themselves with a care-damn-attitude.

Uncharacteristic Emotional Outbursts

If your friend is normally a calm and grounded person, and has suddenly started having frequent and intense emotional outbursts, it could be an indicator that he or she is suffering from masked depression. Because these people typically run away from facing their emotions, there is usually an intense build-up of negative emotions, especially sadness and feelings of loneliness and emptiness. They may, at times, burst out at the slightest provocation, usually in the form of tears, or extreme rage and anger.

How to Help Someone Who Is Depressed

What should you do if you suspect someone you know and care about may be suffering from masked depression?

Suggesting to them that they might be suffering from depression may result in an outright denial and a further hardening of the mask. People with masked depression often have a hard time acknowledging their feelings and may be very ambivalent about seeking help or even admitting that they have a problem. In their weak moments, they may break down and admit to feelings of sadness, but in a short while, when the feeling has passed, they revert to the veneer that is so familiar. Let us look at some behaviours, actions and suggestions that you can offer, to help bring these people closer to the truth, and eventually, to getting the help they need:

• Model expression of emotions. Talk about your occasional negative feelings to them, thus silently communicating that it is okay to feel so.
• Whenever you notice the mask slipping, talk about it. If the person talks about something wistfully, encourage him or her to go on talking about what feelings are being experienced.
• Don’t allow them to distract you by their gaiety. If you notice them laughing at themselves, or making fun of themselves, calmly mention that it is not funny, and that there is no reason for them to deride themselves all the time.
• Provide unconditional positive regard and acceptance. This is one of the most fundamental of human needs. Making them feel good about themselves and their lives will go a long way in helping them feel supported.
• If it is a close family member, gently urge them to slow down. Offer to help them with the busy schedules they have created for themselves. Help them create free time in their routine; this will force them to stop and think about where they are headed emotionally.
• Encourage them to take up a hobby. Music, yoga, running, painting… Any of these, if pursued with a passion, are deeply meditative and centring activities, and will help them in a big way to get in touch with their emotions.
• Finally, when they are ready, urge them to seek professional help. Help them to understand that depression is not a sign of weakness; it’s a medical issue that requires intervention. Support them as they take their first steps toward recovery.

As you can see, hidden depression is, in some ways, more challenging than overt depression. Getting the person to acknowledge deep feelings of sadness and emptiness, helping them understand that this is a problem that needs help and getting them the help are issues that can create challenges. Yet, with the right support and encouragement of family, friends and loved ones, this mask can be torn off and the inner demons can be faced, fought and defeated.

The post How to Help a Loved One Suffering From Hidden Depression appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Tia seemed particularly troubled one day. Mamta decided to take the lead, and asked, “How have you been feeling lately? I’m concerned because you look lost these days.”

It was almost as if Tia was waiting to be asked. The veil had been lifted and she broke down. “I’m so relieved that you asked,” she replied. “I’ve been feeling so alone. I didn’t want to burden you with my problems, but I want to talk with you about my marriage, if that’s okay with you. Nothing is going fine.”

The Risks of Asking Friends About Their Marriage Problems

Once intimate information is out of the bag, it’s impossible to return to not knowing. You might hear something you don’t want to be privy to.

After sharing personal information there is a chance the friendship may change. You will be required to play dual roles—as friend and as marriage confidant, making you feel overloaded. You may have to pick one. At the same time, you might in fact be able to help significantly.

You will be required to play dual roles—as friend and as marriage confidant, making you feel overloaded

How to Help Your Friend Facing a Difficult Marriage

Note that the list begins with multiple don’ts.  That is so you can follow the rule of ‘Do No Harm’. The last thing you want to do if you are going to intervene would be to make the situation worse.

List of Don’ts

• Don’t assume that your help is wanted. Launch the discussion by first asking, as Mamta did with Tia, how your friend feels about discussing the home situation with you.
• Don’t take sides. You are likely to feel tempted to validate your friend with “You’re right; your spouse is wrong” reassurance. Remember that you know only half the story.
• Don’t badmouth the spouse. “I never liked him/her and now I see why” can retard the marriage recovery process.
• Don’t assume your friend is faultless. The way your friend interacts with you may differ from the way he or she does in the marriage. In intimate relationships, many people regress to interacting the way their parents did, or like they did as a child with their parents or siblings.
• Don’t offer generalizations about personality traits. Avoid saying, “He’s such a selfish person.” Instead of commenting on the person, comment on specific behavior, e.g., “The frequent criticism does sound like it’s hard on you.  Receiving so much criticism would be demoralizing for anyone.”
• In general, don’t offer solutions, and especially don’t insist that your way is right. “You should…” is unhelpful. Your friend, the person with the problem, knows the most about the many parameters of the problem and therefore is the best judge of what route to take. Exceptions to this last rule are: a] if there is an emergency; for instance, if your friend is endangered by domestic violence [suggest a domestic violence program for information, assessment and specialized help]; b] towards the end of a discussion, if the person with the problem has come up with no options and you have some ideas that might help.

The last thing you want to do if you are going to intervene would be to make the situation worse

Now, the ‘do’ guidelines:

• Ask good questions. Questions can enable your friend to clarify his/her concerns and then eventually to figure out new solutions.
• Launch your questions with how or what.  These starter words invite more detailed answers than Yes/No starter phrases like Are you, Did you, Will he, Has she… “What was your reaction when he said that?” is far more helpful than “Were you mad?”
• Digest the answer aloud, briefly, before moving on to the next question. Otherwise your friend is likely to feel on the witness stand. “Yes, I agree that…” can launch your digesting response. “Yes, Tia, I agree that you are quite alone with all your family living so far away. How much is your distance from family that has caused you to feel so alone?”
• Ask about both his and her concerns.  What’s your concern when you are fighting about the kids? What does he worry about?
• As the concerns become clear, eventually ask about solution possibilities that would work for both spouses. Beware of rushing too soon to the goal line of finding a fix. First be sure your questions have helped your friend to understand all the factors impacting the situation.
• The solution to most problems is a better system. “Sounds like a lot of the fighting is about how to get the kids to do what they need to do. What might be a system for building routines so everything’s not always an issue?”
• Save your suggestions for the end of the discussion, if they’re still needed. Offer them as gentle hypotheses, not sure answers or “shoulds”. E.g., “I wonder if talking over who is in charge of what with the kids might help your evenings run more smoothly? Or if taking a parenting class together might help get you on the same page?”
• Recognize if the problems include the three ‘A’s. These issues most often lead to divorce. Like broken bones as opposed to cuts and bruises, these marital difficulties usually require professional help:
  1. Alcohol or other addictions,
  2. Affairs, and
  3. Anger that is excessive or abusive, either physically or emotionally.
• Suggest resources. For instance, find good articles online and share the links with your friend. Maybe suggest a therapist you trust. Or suggest books or websites that teach collaborative marriage communication and conflict resolution skills. With better communication and shared problem solving skills, couples become more able to work out their differences on their own.

Back to Mamta and Tia

Tia looked up at Mamta. “My thoughts and feelings about my marriage had been swirling like a tornado in my head. I felt totally overwhelmed. Now I’m seeing the situation more clearly. I even have at least the beginnings of a plan for moving forward. What a relief. This has been SO helpful. Thank you!”

This was first published in the August 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

The post How to Help a Friend Who Is Facing Marital Problems appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

At every step in life, you are faced with a choice. The choices you make then, determine the next set of choices that become available to you. Mature individuals know this.

Let us examine some reasons of cheating we have come across in our practice of counselling couples. We realised that far from feeling regret, many people, in fact, feel deserving of a relationship on the side.

6 lame reasons for cheating in marriage

I deserve it

Dev had a mistress in Switzerland. She had been his interpreter cum secretary when he started his business there. He claimed that when he got married, he had an inferiority complex as back then he was a “nobody”. This prevented him from objectively evaluating if he would be compatible with his wife.

He was now a successful business man and felt that he deserved to have true love and the pleasures of life with an attractive and compatible woman. After all, he had worked hard to be where he was. He asked his wife to deal with this reality and accept the status quo for the material comforts he provided, or agree for divorce.

Then, there are also men who abuse the religious sanction they receive for more than one marriage, by getting involved with other women. Some men even claim they have ‘royal blood’ in their veins. They feel this gives them the right to have a mistress like their ancestors. Yet others see it as a sign of wealth and prosperity if they can materially look after many women.

Such people do not feel the need to resist post-marriage attractions, and they permit themselves to think about and engage in cheating by being in more than one relationship at a time.

A word of advice: Those who justify cheating in their marriages need to engage in the light-shedding process of counselling. This will help them evaluate the validity of the cause, and objectively examine the reasons for the same in their marital relationship or their individual pasts. It is only through such a process that the individual can be helped to understand one’s own attitudinal and behavioural patterns, and heal.

Entitlement issues

Kalpana had grown up seeing both her parents engage freely in infidelity. Her father justified his cheating as a need for a mentally stimulating company of an educated woman, which his wife didn’t provide. Her mother reasoned hers as the need for emotional support and companionship, which Kalpana’s father didn’t provide.

As a child, at one level Kalpana was confused and upset with the estrangement of her parents, and their subsequent justification of their respective extra-marital affairs to her. At another level, there was a need to accommodate her parents’ conduct. This was an attempt to overcome her own feelings of inadequacy and low self-worth due to her lineage.

As a result, Kalpana herself engaged in a string of extra-marital affairs, each one lasting briefly. She explained her own behaviour each time, saying that her husband was making a big thing out of nothing. She saw her marriage as an arrangement, which she was willing to continue, provided that she be allowed to find ‘happiness’ wherever she found it. Kalpana was re-enacting the script her parents followed.

A word of advice: Those who are repeating history by living a life of promiscuity like their parents should examine the deep pain they experienced as a child of such parents. They should ask themselves if they felt that the parents should have exercised another option, such as attempting a mutually fulfilling relationship through counselling, or having a respectable and friendly separation, where the interest of the child is kept in mind. This could help them with insight into their own options today.

Cult culture

Mohan belonged to a spiritual cult that encouraged open marriage as a more evolved form of relating between man and woman, under the guise of discouraging dependency. You can well imagine his marital life. He had convinced his wife of living this life, and had dumped several of his post-marital girlfriends saying that he was discouraging dependency in them, thus doing them a favour. He would sell the same spiritual jargon to them and move on to his next affair. Two of his ex-girlfriends, who were almost his daughter’s age, came to us for counselling, nursing their wounds. They were confused about relationships.

A word of advice: Those who condone an open marriage because of a cult, could evaluate the credentials of those who propagate it. They should ask themselves whether they are using this concept as a cop out to avoid being in a committed relationship, in which partners exchange constructive feedback for personal growth.

Rebel trouble

Individuals growing up in authoritarian households with an extremely moralistic upbringing often creates in them a deep desire to rebel. They might rush into marrying out of caste or marry early, to adopt a lifestyle that is completely different from their parents’.

They develop an attitude of rebelling against any form of binding whether of the family or of being in a committed relationship. Sona was one such person. She married a foreigner, had a baby, and was done with the rebellion against her parents.

However, the rebellious streak remained and manifested when her husband asked her to participate in a family tradition. She rebelled against being told to do so and threw a fit. The conflicts soon began. She looked for someone who would humour her and let her do as she pleased, and subsequently left her husband and child to live with a younger man.

A word of advice: The indiscriminate rebels without a cause need to examine their automatic reactions and consciously break free from them. They need to decide with their partners, and with the help of a counsellor, if the marriage can be saved in a fulfilling way. Together, they could start afresh, or separate amicably and maturely.

Cheating for kicks

Some married women claim that getting attention from a male colleague gives them a high. They are curious to see how far this can go and to what extent they can keep the attentive male on a string. They justify their affairs by saying that their husbands are unattractive, uncommunicative or insensitive, and if they can get it elsewhere, they deserve to enjoy it.

A word of advice: Those who take what they have for granted, and experiment with post-marriage attractions for the kick of it obviously have no other creative outlet. An empty mind is an ideal place for the devil to start his workshop; such individuals should engage in some creative pursuit to channel their energies, so that they can feel the joy of what they have i.e. the positives in their partner and their relationship.

Office spouse

There also is an increasing trend of having ‘work-husbands’ and ‘work-wives’. This happens because of the long hours people spend at work.

A man and woman working together can communicate better with each other and empathise, especially if both are having issues at home. In such a case, there is a strong chance of the work relationship becoming more attractive and taking precedence over the marital relationship. Although it is termed as good friendship by the one engaging in such a relationship, it is labelled by the married partner as emotional infidelity or emotional cheating.

Professional environments (a call-centre, for instance) demand long working hours in close proximity with colleagues and are a natural breeding ground for such emotional attractions. There is a possibility of cheating in the form of physical intimacy as the relationship gets more intense with time.

A word of advice: To counter work attractions, it helps to consciously maintain work-life balance. Increase communication time with your spouse and create pleasant memories. Whenever possible take a vacation, and iron out all differences through constructive dialogue to find a win-win situation.

When it’s time to end the marriage

Most people who give in to post-marriage attractions do so because they think that the grass is greener on the other side. However, that illusion is soon broken. The truth is, you are the same person, and you carry yourself into every relationship. Therefore, unless you fully understand your own motivation and behaviour, you will perpetually be looking for greener pastures.

Finally, if you have truly found the love of your life even after marriage, then have the courage to end the previous relationship and live the life of your dreams. But, if you want to have your cake and eat it too by continuing adulterous relationships, remember, this decision has far-reaching consequences. It affects not just your own emotional well-being, but also lives of your children.

The post 6 lame reasons for cheating in marriage appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.