She narrates her own story of coping with a series of huge tragedies to drive home the point that the secret of being mentally strong is to give up your bad mental habits. Mental strength is a lot like physical health. To become physically fit, if you really want to see results, just exercising regularly is not enough; you even have to give up eating junk food. Likewise, to be mentally strong, you need good habits like practising gratitude; but you also have to give up your bad habits like resenting the success and happiness of your fellow beings.

Amy says that each of us possess the ability to build mental strength, but most don’t know how. She invites us to reflect on our bad mental habits that are holding us back, the unhealthy beliefs that are keeping us from being as mentally strong as we could be.

About Amy Morin

Amy Morin, a licensed clinical social worker and psychotherapist, has been counseling children, teens, and adults since 2002. She also works as an adjunct psychology instructor.

Amy’s expertise in mental strength has attracted international attention. Her bestselling book, 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do, is being translated into more than 20 languages.

Amy’s advice has been featured by a number of media outlets, including: Time, Fast Company, Good Housekeeping, Business Insider, Elle, Cosmopolitan, Success, Glamour, Oprah.com, TheBlaze TV, and Fox News. She has also been a guest on dozens of radio shows.

She is a regular contributor to Forbes, Inc., and Psychology Today. She serves as About.com’s Parenting Teens Expert and Discipline Expert.

As a frequent keynote speaker, Amy loves to share the latest research on resilience and the best strategies for overcoming adversity and building mental muscle.

The post Why you should give up your bad mental habits appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Much has been written about siblings, parsing out the influence of birth order, gender, spacing, temperament and family structure. But no matter the myriad combinations of traits and timing, the essence boils down to how they see one another—as friends or foes? A strong sibling relationship is grounded in the belief that their lives are better because of one another.

Building bonds between siblings

Parenting is often propaganda. So how do we help our kids see that the arrival of a rival for our time, energy and attention brings more to their lives? Here’s a list of six practical ways to do just that.

1. With the arrival of a newborn, add, don’t subtract. Holding your little bundle of joy, sentences for your older child often start with “No” and end with “because of the baby”. Re-framing how you say things in the early months changes what your child hears and how he sees his sibling. Even if the answer is no, start it with yes. “Yes, I’ll read to you in 10 minutes” feels very different from “No, I can’t read right now, I’m feeding the baby”. One step better? “Yes, I’ll read to you in 10 minutes! And why don’t you pick an extra book that you love? Since there are now two of you, let’s read twice as much!”
   

2. Toddlers do well when they play alone, together. For parents with young children, the time between the end of the afternoon and before dinner can be the hardest part of the day. How to reduce the rivalry? Have kids play alone, together. For one family with two littles, we constructed bins for each day of the week filled with their favourite activities. Monday was play dough, Tuesday colouring, Wednesdays cars—all the way through the week, each child had an identical set of supplies. Every afternoon they knew they could play with their own toys near each other, without competing for resources. Happy kids, relaxed parents.
   

3. For preschoolers, stop when the going is good. Sibling cooperation often has a shelf life. Kids will play fairly well together for a predicable amount of time, and then it falls apart. It is tempting to seek out every moment of peace you can get, and allow it to go on as long as possible. Yet in order for them to want to play together again, you need the end to go smoothly. So check your watch. If you know they are great together for 20-25 minutes, interrupt, distract and transition them at 17. For a pair of brothers we used an old-fashioned egg timer. The boys knew once it rang it was time to try something new, something apart. And they knew after a while they could come right back to what they had been doing. Breathing space helps the good last longer.
   

4. I love you because is a favourite game for elementary schoolers. In the car, at the table, tucking them in at night, right after a fight, any time is a great time for I love you because. “Why do you love your brother?” makes a sister think past her frustration to see the good in him. Saying it out loud allows the little guy to know he is loved, especially when there is conflict. More love, less rivalry.

5. With tweens? Break them up and bring them back together. When working with the mother of tweenaged girls, we looked first for the stress, then we looked for the best. The mornings before school were always filled with fighting. So we broke them up. One daughter would eat breakfast, make her lunch, pack her bags, then shower while her sister did the routine in reverse order. We removed the scarcity over spaces—the bathroom, the kitchen, the front hall, and the arguments ended. And the best? Both girls are falling in love with cooking, though as burgeoning chefs they weren’t allowed to be alone in the kitchen. But as a team? They could bake to their hearts’ content. So every Saturday morning the family has set aside time for the sisters to spend creating in the kitchen together.

6. Teenagers want to be seen. See the small stuff. Teens are very aware of how the people around them perceive them. The brain. The jock. The clown. And they are especially aware of how they stack up in comparison to their sibling. “It cracks me up how clumsy you are when your sister is such an athlete!” “Your brother clearly got the math brains in the family!” Kids hear comments like these from classmates, teachers and friends. It’s important for them not to hear it from family. Instead, observe their little quirks. Their tiny joys. Their quiet values. Name those out loud. Talk about the small stuff you see–who they are, not what they do—that makes each child unique.

These tips may be organised by age, but in the end, each can be used for any stage in the sibling relationship. Which teen doesn’t want to hear you say “let’s stay late and watch two movies instead of one since there are two of you!”? Which tween wouldn’t want you to give them their own container of art supplies? Which preschooler wouldn’t love hearing all the sweet little things that you see inside of them?

You are the hidden key

As you read that last paragraph, you might have noticed, as much as siblings are mentioned, so, too, are you. Because, the hidden key to a strong sibling relationship is the strength of relationship each child has with you. The closer, more grounded, more connected each child feels to their parent, the less threatened they feel by a brother or sister.

How much one-on-one time do you spend each day with each child? It doesn’t have to be hours, it just needs to be enough. Enough for your daughter or son to know you see them, just as they are. That you love them, without compare.

The post Six practical ways to prevent sibling rivalry among your kids appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

While the phenomenon has its roots in concepts like the peacock tail effect in evolutionary psychology, the word “bigger” here doesn’t merely refer to size. It refers to a higher level of sophistication, forms of superiority and validation of authenticity of the spiritual experience. Apart from the base idea of one religion being better than another, this phenomenon shows itself up in multiple ways, especially in an age of ‘power yoga’ and ‘power spirituality’. These are just some instances in which you might see the spiritual competition manifest itself in the world of spirituality.

Signs of spiritual ego

The inner circle syndrome

In many ashrams or retreats there are likely to be one or two key spiritual leaders who are at the so-called helm of affairs. It is quite common in such situations to see some followers losing focus on their spiritual pursuit, while aiming to get closer to the Guru or spiritual leader. They want to become part of the inner circle — it is the spiritual ego at work. Demonstrating the typical spiritual competition mindset, there are some who even go to the extent of wanting to be the “favorite” follower or disciple. While there is nothing particularly wrong with this, it simply isn’t what a spiritual journey should be about.

The journey/destination conflict

In spirituality, there are several roads that lead to the destination, and many a times the spiritual experience is the road itself. There is an unsaid clash of different mindsets here. While one set of people pursue spirituality to get to a final point of bliss, enlightenment or whatever you choose to call it, there is another set that attributes more importance to the spiritual journey rather than the destination. Of course there is a third group that gives equal importance to the spiritual journey and the destination, or see no difference between the two. While there’s some truth to each of these mindsets, it certainly doesn’t establish the superiority of one mindset over the other. All it establishes is that people need to pursue spirituality based on what works for them.

The time myth

The time frame factor plays a crucial role in people’s perceptions of a spiritual practice. While there is no debate that, with time and preparation, one gets better at anything including spiritual practice, the duration is not certainly an indicator of spiritual progress. It is as if a quick path or easy access to a spiritual experience is not real or authentic. There are some who’ve had profound spiritual experiences in their very first attempt or class while there others who’ve had a life-changing spiritual experience after many years of practice. There are still some for whom a trek in the mountains or just watching children play in a park triggered a spiritual awakening.

Another dimension of the spiritual competition around the time myth is related to the time spent doing the spiritual practice itself. For example, many meditators see the ability to meditate for extended periods at a stretch to be more advanced than meditating for a few minutes a day. Again, it is one’s spiritual ego that measures and compares. Though it might require a certain amount of practice and ability to even sit in the same position for more than an hour, it is certainly not an indicator of the quality or level of one’s spirituality.

The experience trap

It is not uncommon in any spiritual practice for people to have interesting experiences at different points. These experiences could be anything from getting a feeling of immense peace, to stillness or even feeling the presence of god in one’s own way. What mostly gets missed out is that spirituality is beyond these experiences. Unfortunately, many individuals get sucked into or sometimes even get addicted to these experiences. Worst still, people even equate the nature of the experience to spiritual progress. This is nothing more than reducing spirituality to a mere set of experiences —a sure shot sign of spiritual ego.

A spiritual experience can’t be described

Many believe that a spiritual experience needs to be complex. No it does not. There are talks by some spiritual gurus that specifically state that if someone can describe a spiritual incident to you then it is not real because a true spiritual occurrence cannot be described in words. While an extended spiritual experience could be more difficult to explain than simpler feelings and emotions, it is certainly not a metric to measure the caliber of the experience itself. The fact of the matter is that it is perfectly possible for someone with a good enough vocabulary to explain the range of feelings and emotions that one has experienced during a spiritual trip. That does not take away from the quality or genuineness of that experience. On the other hand, it is also true that some deep spiritual experiences are nothing more than simple feelings like gratitude, humility, peace, love and togetherness, which are well understood by most people.

Worshiping the unknown

This is an extension of the previous point and a cornerstone of sorts when it comes to spiritual comparison and, by extension, spiritual ego. In many parts of the world, the whole idea of spirituality leans heavily on God, mythology and other beliefs. A belief is something that one has conviction in and takes for granted; something that is held as true, despite the odds. So the concept of belief is foundational to spirituality. Even with respect to spiritual experiences, our treatment is no different. When someone has a spiritual experience that is inexplicable, unclear and perhaps incomprehensible, it is given greater importance than an experience that is more direct and clearly understood.

For instance, when a person is involved in a spiritual practice and experiences a series of colors passing through their closed eyelids, feels a burst of energy from their gut and transcends into a space of peace and tranquillity like never before, it is treated as a blessed event—perhaps one that is showered on the person by the almighty and one that the person was ‘lucky’ to experience. On the contrary, if someone sits down for a spiritual practice but gets lost in thought, they think about their school days and school friends and feel great and light at the end of it, but it is treated as a daydream. This is also the same reason why an out-of-body experience is treated as a more spiritual experience than the feeling of bliss you experience while lying on your couch on a Sunday afternoon reading your favorite book.

In conclusion: Beware of the spiritual rat race

The truth is that no spiritual experience is better or worse. Driving a bigger and fancier car is no superior to riding on a bullock cart or vice versa. They are both different and have their own place in the scheme of things; the same concept applies to spirituality. To grow spiritually, you need to be one with the spiritual pursuit and experience. Stepping out of that and focusing on ideas, like the superiority of the experience and the tenure, takes people several steps back or at best keeps them marking time—they are trapped in  spiritual competition, which is just another form of rat race.

Last updated on 20^th October 2022

The post Spiritual competition: My spirituality is better than yours! appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Comparison Begins Early

We are always comparing; from our very childhood we are taught comparison. Somebody else’s child is more cute, more beautiful, more intelligent; somebody else’s child is more obedient, and yours is not. All educational systems depend on comparison: somebody stands first, and somebody is the last in the class; somebody passes, another fails. Teachers appreciate students who are obedient; they hate students, they punish students who are not obedient in every way.

The whole structure of society is continuously comparing, and the very idea of comparison is absolutely false.

Each individual is unique because there is nobody else like him. Comparison would have been right if all individuals were alike; they are not. Even twins are not absolutely alike; it is impossible to find another man who is exactly like you. So, we are comparing unique people — which creates the whole trouble.

No First, No Second

In my vision, in schools, there should be no examinations, so nobody comes first and nobody comes second, nobody passes and nobody fails. In schools, there should be merits given every day by every teacher in different subjects to each student. And, based on all those merits it should be decided when a child is ready to move into another class. Some child may be ready within two months; there is no need for him to wait one year. Some child may move after eight months, some child may move after twelve months, some child may take fifteen months. But, nobody is higher than the other; everybody is moving according to his pace, according to his interest.

Everybody has some uniqueness. Education should be organised in such a way that that uniqueness comes over, and becomes an actuality.

Everyone is Unique

A plumber should be as respected as a great physicist. The plumber should be as respected and dignified as the professor. These are professions. You should not value the individual by profession; the individual is invaluable. Hierarchy would drop from society if no profession were bigger and greater and higher than other professions; thereafter, comparison would start disappearing.

In schools comparison should start disappearing. There is no need for every child to read geography, or history, unless he loves it. The choice of subjects should be his love. Every school, every university, every college should devote at least two months in the beginning of the year for students to move into all other subjects, to listen to teachers of different subjects, and find out for themselves what is their love, what triggers their heart and their intelligence.

Right now the situation is such that a person who could have been a good butcher has become a surgeon. Now, there is going to be a difficulty. He should be a butcher, but the butcher should not be in any way lower than the surgeon. Society should be made of unique people, bringing out their talents as fully as possible. Education should help it, parents should help it, everybody around should help every child to bring out his talents. But, right now, that is not the situation; everybody is being ordered.

I have never felt at any point in my life that existence disappoints you if you are honest, sincere. It always helps you; it is immensely compassionate.

This whole system of hierarchy can be dissolved, and only then will inferiority complex dissolve. That is only a symptom.

Even Napoleon Felt Inferior

Everybody feels inferior — I say everybody, without exception — in some way or other. Somebody is more beautiful than you, somebody is healthier than you, somebody is more educated than you, somebody is in a higher post than you, and somebody has a more beautiful wife than you. Life is such a complex thing, and there are so many things in life that if you start comparing, nobody would be happy.

Related » Get out of your way!

You would think that a man like Napoleon Bonaparte should not feel inferior: he’s one of the biggest heroes of our mad, so-called history. But, he felt very inferior because he was not very tall; he was only five-feet-five-inches. And, that was such a wound—that his soldiers were taller, his bodyguards were taller.

But, I don’t see any problem: whether you are six-feet, seven-feet, five-feet, anyway your feet reach the earth—that’s the whole purpose. It is not that when you are five-feet you are hanging two feet above and everybody laughs at you. The whole thing is that your feet reach the earth, you can walk.

Politicians and Inferiority Complex

Everybody feels inferior in some way or other, and the reason is that we don’t accept that everyone is unique in their own way. There is no question of inferiority or superiority. Everybody is just one of his kind; so comparison does not arise.

Politicians are the worst sufferers from inferiority complex. They want to prove to the world that they are great, they have power over millions—they are presidents, prime ministers. But, if you look at their lives, that inferiority complex has not left them; it is still there.

For centuries we have been creating the disease; we have not allowed people to accept themselves as they are. The moment you accept yourself as you are, without any comparison, all inferiority, all superiority disappears.

Don’t ask for anything. Whatever you have, existence is wiser than you think. It has given you everything that you need. Just explore your own treasures and bring them to their fulfillment. Bring every potentiality to actuality.

Once this disease of comparison and inferiority complex disappears, politics will disappear automatically. Politics is the outcome of inferiority complex. People want power to prove to themselves and to others that they are not just nobodies.

I teach you just to be yourself, and that’s enough. You are accepted by the sun, you are accepted by the moon, you are accepted by the trees; you are accepted by the ocean, you are accepted by the earth… What more do you want?

You are accepted by this Universe. Rejoice in it!

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