I have immense respect for Alexander Pope’s contribution to literature and spiritual thought and have no doubt that when he wrote this piece of wisdom his intent was to promote love and forgiveness over hatred and resentment. Unfortunately, we tend to use the idea that forgiveness is divine as an excuse not to forgive. “I am not God! I am only human, so I can’t forgive,” say many bitter men and women. To these people I say, there’s nothing divine about forgiveness—it’s an out and out human act.

Why God never forgives

You see, forgiveness becomes necessary only when there is blame. And blame arises out of judgement, which, in turn comes from a belief in duality—good/bad, right/wrong, love/hate, blessing/curse, noble/wicked and so on.

So, while we humans are always censuring this deed and condemning that behavior, I cannot imagine the ‘creator’ doing the same. The creator, if there is one, would be free of judgements and hence incapable of blame.That is why I believe that God cannot forgive. For, where there is no blame, there is no question of forgiveness.

When we elevate forgiveness to the level of the divine, we push it away. We make it an epic phenomenon that is within the reach of only the most evolved men and women. Ironically, such enlightened beings have no need to forgive because they have, like God, ceased to blame.

Nelson Mandela’s story

Former US President Bill Clinton was intrigued by Nelson Mandela’s dignified exit from prison in 1990 after spending 27 years there. Many years later, when he met him, he asked him, “Come on, you were a great man, you invited your jailers to your inauguration, you put your pressures on the government. But tell me the truth. Weren’t you really angry all over again?” And Mandela replied, “Yes, I was angry. And I was a little afraid. After all I’ve not been free in so long. But,” he continued, “when I felt that anger well up inside of me I realised that if I hated them after I got outside that gate then they would still have me.” And he smiled and said, “I wanted to be free so I let it go.”

“It was an astonishing moment in my life. It changed me,” Clinton later wrote about this dialogue.

Mandela’s greatness stems from being able to acknowledge that he is human—he felt anger and fear too. His forgiveness is about freeing himself from the prison of hatred, anger, and bitterness—which purified his heart and took him close to the divine.

Also read » The Prime Beneficiary of Forgiveness Is the One Who Forgives

To forgive is human

Bestselling author and spiritual teacher Dr Wayne Dyer calls our need to forgive a “monumental misperception”. In his view, to which I subscribe wholeheartedly, forgiveness helps us transcend the negative effects of blame—an emotional prison that we escape.

Forgiveness is perhaps among the highest of human acts but it is still human. We always forgive for the sake of our own freedom. So to err is human and to forgive is also human. But to go beyond blame and forgiveness—that is divine.

A version of this article first appeared in the September 2012 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

Last updated on 2^nd August 2024

The post Here’s Why God Never Forgives appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Over the years, Meera’s husband Gaurav, who claims to love her and worry about her, has slowly, insidiously, chipped away at her self-belief, her confidence, and her faith in herself to a point where she is constantly second-guessing herself. Gaurav’s behaviour, in simple terms, is called gaslighting. When someone close to us subtly and systematically breaks down the walls of our self-esteem, strips us bare of our sense of who we are, we are being gaslighted.

What is gaslighting?

To explain it more comprehensively, gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse, such that someone close to the victim makes them question their intelligence, their judgement, their decisions, and their sanity! It comes to a point where the victim starts believing that they are really going crazy, or are really incapable of making sensible decisions.

The term ‘gaslighting’ has become popular today; however, it is an age-old phenomenon that has been around since relationships began. Usually, the person who gaslights is someone who is close to the victim – a spouse, a parent, a boss, or a leader. Gaslighting is most commonly seen in couples, where one partner—the one who has more power in the relationship dynamic—gradually starts eroding the power of the partner more and more.

Gaslighting can take many forms and can have a variety of effects on the victims. However, there are some commonly seen indicators that can help you evaluate whether you are indeed being victimised. Let us look at some of these:

7 signs you are a victim of gaslighting

1. Loss of confidence

Very slowly, over a period of time, you start losing all the confidence that you have in yourself, until you reach a point where you don’t feel confident at all.

2. Extreme self-doubt

What begins as little niggles and tiny questions, blooms into a huge cloud of self-doubt that settles firmly onto you. You start doubting yourself in all things big and small.

3. Self-blame

You end up blaming yourself for everything that goes wrong in the relationship, and in your life. Whenever something goes wrong, you automatically think that it’s your fault.

4. Difficulty making decisions

Because you no longer have confidence in yourself, you find it difficult to make even the most banal of decisions, further perpetuating the downward cycle.

5. Anxiety and/or depression

You experience feelings of sadness, loss of hope, nervousness and extreme panic; these could nudge you into clinical depression or anxiety.

6. Walking on eggshells around the perpetrator

Be it your partner or parent, you start feeling nervous whenever the perpetrator is around and anxious in their absence. You feel the compulsion to be on your guard at all times.

7. Increased feeling of isolation

Eventually, you start withdrawing, not just from the perpetrator, but from other family members and friends as well.

How does gaslighting work?

Siya was a highly successful HR professional doing great on the corporate ladder. Her relationship with her husband Arjun was conflicted and mixed up. Arjun, himself a highly successful IT manager, was soft spoken, gentle and affectionate; Siya had always been the more proactive and outspoken person in the relationship. Over a period of time, Arjun was made to feel responsible for every fight they had, he was made to feel insensitive and uncaring of Siya’s emotions, and over-sensitive of his own feelings. His sensitivity was ridiculed, his softness made out to be weakness of character. In essence, he felt his entire life so far had been a failure, as Siya pointed out to him at every opportunity.

As I mentioned above, gaslighting is a slow and often insidious process, and by the time you realise what is happening, you have been completely sucked into the whirlpool of self-doubt, self-blame, and loss of confidence.

How does this happen? How is it that an otherwise confident, positive, and successful person falls into this trap of being gaslighted? Well, this is how! Since the person gaslighting is someone with whom the victim is in a close, trusted relationship, by default one tends to believe that if a person is saying something, it must be true. You try to look at yourself, introspect, wonder and question your own thoughts and actions. Over time, you find yourself in a vicious cycle of being questioned and blamed, getting into a self-questioning mode, and accepting the feedback the perpetrator is giving!

Common gaslighting techniques employed by perpetrators

Gaslighters have many tools in their tool-kit, the most common among which are:

1. Ridiculing your thoughts

If Meera planned a particular menu for guests at home, Gaurav would pan it and rant about how inappropriate it had been.
They make fun of your valid ideas and opinions and make you think that you know nothing. Everything you say is laughed at, dismissed, or simply ignored.

2. Trivialising your feelings

If Arjun felt upset by Siya’s aggressive behaviour, she would completely invalidate his feelings and tell him he was just being over-sensitive as usual.
Gaslighters trivialise and invalidate your feelings and emotions, often telling you that you are too sensitive, too emotional, too crazy, too stupid. Your genuine reactions are termed as over-reactions.

3. Blame shifting

Every time Siya loses her temper and goes into a fit of rage, she blames Arjun for his stupidity and insensitivity that made her lose her temper.
In the eyes of the gaslighter, everything is your fault. They are adept at making sure that the blame lies on you for whatever goes wrong. You are not careful enough, smart enough, intelligent enough, caring enough… the list is endless.

4. Lying

Whenever Meera asked Gaurav why he called her names, he would outright deny that he did so.
Gaslighters can lie as easily as they can breathe, without batting an eyelid or skipping a heartbeat. They will lie to you blatantly, to ensure that their version and your version of the events don’t match, to a point where you start questioning your version. Even in the face of irrefutable proof, they will continue to lie.

5. Hitting below the belt

The moment Arjun called out her lie, Siya pointed out how he had failed at achieving his financial goals so far, hinting, not-so-subtly, at what a failure he was.
They are masters of emotional blackmail, and saying things at a time and in a way that simply becomes your undoing. Each time, every time.

6. Tireless aggression

Whenever Meera tried to explain her rationale for any decision, Gaurav would keep pointing out why he thought it was a wrong decision and no amount of explanation or reasoning would be enough to convince him.
They are capable of wearing you down with their zealous efforts to prove how wrong you are. They argue and argue till you reach a stage where it is simply easier to give up and agree to what they are saying.

7. Repeatedly telling you that you are Insane

When nothing else worked, Siya’s standard phrase for Arjun was, “You’re losing your marbles.”
This is the finest and most effective tool in their kitty. Words like “You have lost your mind”, “You’re going crazy”, “You have lost it”, said repeatedly, over a period of time, eventually makes you question your own sanity. Many professionals call this as the gaslighter’s master technique.

Whatever the techniques or methods a perpetrator uses, the fact remains that you end up being gaslighted. What should you do in such a situation?

9 steps to deal with gaslighting

Extricating yourself out of a gaslighting relationship can be challenging, it is like being stuck in quicksand – the more you try to fight your way out, the more you feel yourself getting deeply stuck. Yet, extricate yourself you must! Because it has a huge impact on your mental health and your sense of self, you will need to take action and move yourself out of this power equation with the gaslighter. Few ways you can do this are:

1. Acknowledge the truth

One reason why victims remain in this manipulative equation is because they truly care for the person, and find it hard to believe that he or she could actually be gaslighting. At times, the gaslighter may not even be aware of the impact their actions have on the victim. However, if you have noticed yourself being stuck in a relationship where you are being gaslighted, chances are that you have been taking the abuse for long. Painful as it surely is, you need to acknowledge that this relationship and this person, is actually playing with your sanity. Once you accept the reality, you will then realise the harm it is doing to you, and will be in a position to figure out how to deal with what is happening.

2. Keep track of facts

Make a habit of keeping a record of conversations, words and actions where you feel you might be questioned by the gaslighter. You could keep lists, memos, an excel sheet, use notes on your mobile, or even simply record voice notes. These are more to remind yourself of the facts than to prove them to anyone else. Whenever you find yourself being pushed in a situation where you start questioning yourself, go back to your notes to remind yourself of the facts.

3. Don’t allow the perpetrator to wear you down

Stop yourself from giving explanations. State the facts as they appear to you, and exit the conversation, no matter how much he or she tries to prove you wrong. Don’t get into a situation where you have to defend yourself.

4. Learn to validate your own feelings

This is a hard one, since usually, gaslighting strips us of our self-belief. However, try your best to validate your feelings; allow yourself to feel all that you feel, without belittling your emotional experience. You are entitled to all your feelings and emotions, and that does not make you oversensitive or weak.

5. Be mindful of your self-talk

Over time, you have probably become excessively self-critical. Tune in to your inner dialogue, and ensure that you start giving yourself a larger rope. Don’t let the gaslighter’s voice get internalised; find your own inner voice, and start affirming to yourself that you are a capable, confident person who knows what you are doing.

6. Stop apologising

You don’t need to apologise all the time for real or imagined errors or mistakes that you have made. Do what needs to be done, and if you are being blamed for anything, keep calm and make sure you don’t automatically adopt an apologetic stance.

7. Talk to someone

Be it a parent, a best friend, or a trusted colleague – it is important that when you first start realising that you are being gaslighted, you talk to someone you trust. It is important to vent all that you have bottled up, and usually, talking about it also helps make what is happening real and makes it easier for you to acknowledge and accept what is happening.

8. Have compassion for yourself

If you are a victim of gaslighting, chances are, you no longer like yourself, you no longer think you are a capable, efficient person. The first thing you need to do is love and accept yourself. Yes, self-love and self-care are oft-talked-about phrases; yet, their importance cannot be undermined. You have gone without care and compassion for a long time, it’s important that you start being a little kind to yourself. [Read 4 wonderfully simple ways to cultivate unconditional self-love]

9. Seek professional help

Gaslighting can hurt your mental health. Not only does it erode your self-esteem and confidence and make you emotionally vulnerable, it can also lead to deeper problems like depression and anxiety. Hence, seeking the help of a mental health professional is very important.

The first step

Knowing that you are being gaslighted can be painful, because you are invested in the relationship, you care for the person, and often want the relationship to work. Very likely, the gaslighter cares for you too, in their own way; however, they clearly are caught up in a manipulative, exploitative dynamic.

A lot of research has gone on to show that gasighters usually tend to suffer from narcissistic personality disorder. They need help too. At a certain point, if you, or someone close to you both, can convince the person to seek help too, there is hope for the relationship to get better. However, the first step is to help yourself. The first step is to step out of the whirlpool, ensure your own emotional and psychological safety and build your inner strength and confidence.

The post 7 Signs of Gaslighting + 9 Steps to Deal With It appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

The uniqueness of this game is that winning is not possible. No matter how long you have practiced and how well you play this game, losing is a guarantee. Yet, so rampant is this game among humans that to an alien species it would appear that we must be gaining a lot of health, wealth and other great benefits by playing it. If only they knew the reality!

If you haven’t yet figured out which game I am referring to, it’s called the blame game.

A chain smoker who is diagnosed with lung cancer sues the cigarette company for damages; a salesman blames the economy for his poor performance at work; an unfulfilled man holds his wife accountable for his woes, a politician blames his predecessors for his government’s failure. And, if nothing else works, people blame the invisible man in the sky for our misfortune.

The Art of Ducking

We blame because we are habitual blamers—that’s what we do. I am no exception. I have been playing this game forever and, as expected, have always lost. But old habits die hard, so I continue to play it even now. The only difference is that now I stop myself as soon as I remember that I will lose, no matter how effectively I play it. Problem is, I am often not mindful of playing the game.

Related » Why is Mindfulness So Hard to Practice?

Why would I play a losing game? Psychologists say blaming is a convenient defense mechanism. After all, who wants to admit he or she is in the wrong? Besides, on the surface, blaming comes across as a smart way to protect and preserve my self concept. But then I resort to blaming even when my self-concept is not under threat—like when I point a finger at the government, religious leaders, businessmen and many others for the ills that plague my world.

Blaming, it turns out, is actually an effective avoidance tactic. When I blame others, I duck the responsibility for my feelings of unhappiness, frustration or an undesirable situation. It makes me feel better, self-righteous if you will. And most frequently, it also helps give vent to my feelings in the heat of the moment.

Want to Win? Stop Playing

Alas, no matter how justified the pay-offs of blaming seem, in the end I lose. All it does is keeps me outer directed and stuck in the undesirable situation. What’s more, every time I play this game, I declare that I am helpless and, in effect, give up my power.

Perhaps the worst part about blaming is that it builds a wall between me and those whom I blame. At most times it alienates the others, who become defensive, or worse, retaliate by blaming me. Sometimes I succeed in making the other [often a loved one] feel guilty, resulting in a short-lived feeling of triumph but often at the cost of a long-term crack in the relationship.

And that’s how, every time I play this game, I lose… and then some. Still, on some lucky days, I surrender at half-time and claim all responsibility. Ironically, when I stop playing the game, I win. You see, with no one to blame, there’s no one to lose. And that’s the secret of wining a losing game!

The post Want to Stay Happy? Stop Playing This Game! appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Chances are that your first column is filled with some of your most important relationships—people you spend most of your time with—spouse, children, parents, other family members, relatives, friends, colleagues, subordinates, boss, business partner…perhaps even God!

Whose job is it?

You might notice how we tend to blame others for feeling bad. But it’s not without good reason. All throughout life, we have been conditioned to look outside of ourselves for self-esteem. No wonder, when someone treats us shabbily, we feel awful. No one ever told us that, to feel loved, the first step is to love ourselves. Or, that respect received from others is meaningless—all that really matters is whether we have respect for self. Byron Katie puts it succinctly: “It’s not your job to like me; it’s mine”.

Understanding this simple truth can help you develop a perspective that will strengthen every single relationship in your life. You will be without the need to please others in order to feel loved. Because, no one else can make you feel loved, respected or valued—only you can do that. Others are simply a reflection of your own inner world. If you seek love, respect and approval outside, it means you’re unable to find these inside yourself.

The most important relationship

Each of us is born with an infinite source of love and joy inside us. When we tap into it, we feel loved, valued and respected 24/7. And once you find love inside you, you will find love everywhere and in everyone—even when others don’t behave in loving ways. Moreover, you won’t care if others don’t believe you deserve love or respect.

This brings me to the essence: The most important relationship you have is with yourself. Indeed, it’s the only one that really matters. Once you meet yourself truly, beyond the layers of your personality, you will realise that you have met the love of your life. And this is the one love affair is guaranteed to last forever.

No one needs to be different for you to be happy. You can be happy right now. Just stop blaming others and take complete responsibility for how you feel. That’s what true freedom means. And that’s where true love blooms. In your own heart.

The post Where are you seeking love and joy? appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

In couple’s therapy, we talk about change. However, I seldom hear, “I want to learn to do things differently.” Clients are often baffled as to why their partner won’t change — they say, “If you loved me you’d do this for me.” I ask them what they are willing to change, and hear, “I’m not doing that!”

They miss the irony. Each expects the other to change; neither thinks they need to change. The self-responsible person asks, “What can I do to act like the person I want my partner to be?”

I was walking through a mall, and saw a mom shaking her 8-year-old a few inches from her face and screaming, “How many times have I told you not to hit your sister?” Hmm… wonder where he learned to use physical force to make his point?

One of my clients hates it when her husband yells at her. So, she yells at him, “I hate it when you yell at me!” The woman yells at her husband because she thinks she has the right to do so, since he did. The odd part is, in a previous session, she said, “That’s it! I’m never going to yell at him again! It doesn’t work!” So I asked her about that promise.“Well, yes, I did promise, but really, anybody would have yelled over that!” Not much of a promise, eh?

The reason relationships get into trouble is often that one or both of the parties think their job is to ‘sort out’ their partner. One of my clients refers to her husband as her ‘fourth child.’ Nothing he does is right, and she endlessly tells him so.

I think the purpose of a relationship is to relate. And to do that, I have to meet my partner as my equal, not as someone I need to fix. Here’s the truth: Your partner isn’t broken, and your job is to work on yourself.

Here are five ideas to help you make that happen.

1. Honesty

Secrets have a way of circling back and biting us. People get into the “I have the right to my privacy!” stuff, but here’s a suggestion: if you want secrets, keep them. Just don’t be in a relationship. Most of the mess we find ourselves in has to do with not being truthful. We don’t talk about what we are thinking, what we are feeling. We even may assume that our partner ought to be a mind reader—ought to ‘just know.’ Honesty is about describing what you know about yourself. You can’t know a thing about another person [you make guesses, but if you pay attention, you’re mostly wrong] so all you really can talk about is your own behaviour, and internal theatre. Putting off talking about what is going on for you both delays the inevitable, and sets you up for fights, once the truth comes out. Better to tackle things head on.

2. Fair fighting

Fair fighting is an agreement to use self-responsible language, and to separate out angry emotions. For instance “I’m noticing that I am making myself angry about the story I’m telling myself about…[the problem] and I’m wondering what is going on for you?” In this example you’ll see you’re speaking only for yourself. “I am making myself angry” is true. No one “makes me” angry. In order to get angry, I have to tell myself a story. And stories are by definition fictional. Works for all emotions, not just anger.

There’s an exercise called a Vesuvius, designed by Joann Peterson of The Haven. There’s an area of floor, say 8 ft x 8 ft. The angry person stays in this area, perhaps with a pillow to hit. The person can say or do anything within the area, for five minutes, except break things, or touch people. What this accomplishes is upping everyone’s tolerance for angry sounds, while letting the person express the emotion safely. Fair fighting means sticking to the topic, stating your side, and listening to the other person, just like in the above example. It also means taking turns to express, aiming for solutions and not aiming to ‘be right’.

3. Treat your partner as you wish to be treated

Mostly, we’re sitting around, waiting for others to go first. “I’ll stop yelling when you do”, “I’ll speak for myself after you do.” We are excellent at putting the other to the test, and often fail at doing what we say we want to do. “Do unto others…” is a tenet in most religions. There’s nothing in it about waiting for the other person to go first. It’s about integrity: “If I say I will do something, I will do it. My behaviour is not contingent on another’s.” So, what kind of person do you want to be in relationship with? Be that person.

• If you want honesty, be honest.
• If you want good communication, take a course and learn how to be a good communicator.
• If you want to be listened to, stop talking and listen.
• If you don’t hear what you ‘want’ to hear, be quiet and listen some more.

Doing this is the only way to shift your relationship, as you are shifting the only thing you really can—your own behaviour.

4. No blame

Here’s a tricky one. Watch yourself, and listen to yourself. When something goes wrong, even little stuff, like getting cut off in traffic, we immediately blame the other person. They go from being wrong, to being bad, to being ‘out to get me, just like everyone else is.’ We learned as kids to point at other people, and to make it their fault. But nothing happens inside of you without you setting it up. It’s why two people have different reactions to the same situation. Situations don’t cause reactions. Things happen and we react. We might begin to feel uncomfortable, and our instinct is to blame someone. Our partners are typically around quite often, and therefore get a lot of blame. We need to learn to stop ourselves by repeating, “Things happen, and I choose my response.” I can use honest communication and then ask for change, such as: “I’m wondering if you would be willing to discuss how we could do this differently.” Blame games lead to going around in circles, and everyone is in pain. Not a good strategy!

5. Acceptance

In the end, here it is: You are who you are, and your partner is who s/he is. And who each of you are is captured ONLY in what you do. In other words, if I say I am a fair and compassionate person and act like Attila the Hun, the truth of me is ‘Attila.’ Words are cheap, actions priceless.

Acceptance is about waking up each morning, looking at your partner and saying ‘Reset to zero.’ The person opposite you, and all you know about that person, is who s/he is right now. If you can’t accept this person 100 per cent, you’re already in trouble. This ‘reset’ means that I put behind everything that has been discussed, and resolved, and now, we start the day afresh. My choice is to accept my partner just as she is today. I then begin again, with honesty, openness, dialogue, and self-responsibility. I treat my partner as I wish to be treated, day after day. In the end, the part we can fix in any relationship is our part. The best way to do so is to treat others with dignity, respect, compassion and heart. Anything else misses the point. I learn about me, as I relate with you.

The post Be the partner you wish to have appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

When we are wronged, we often find ourselves feeling resentful. The target of our resentment could be our loved ones, friends, colleagues, bosses, business associates, or even strangers—anyone who has caused us pain. Whether the wrongdoing is a minor transgression, or a deep injury, when we feel unfairly treated, we carry antipathy in our hearts against those who wronged us.

It is human to feel resentment when we are at the receiving end of unjust conduct of another. It’s healthy too, as long as such feelings fade away with time. Problem begins when we refuse to let go of the past and continue to hold on to the resentment a long time after the “unjust” occurrence, sometimes even for years.

Unresolved resentment becomes dangerous when it takes the form of hatred, anger, bitterness, hostility and an urge to avenge, or get even. Confined for long, such feelings start to take a toll on our lives — our relationships, careers, even our health suffers in the process. The only way to release this pent up negative energy is to practice forgiveness.

The power of forgiveness

Forgiveness is, perhaps, the most potent weapon in resolving conflicts. Individuals and societies can use this powerful missile of love to bring peace into this world. Contrary to what most people believe, forgiveness is not a sign of weakness. It is the ultimate symbol of strength. Only those who are emotionally secure can forgive. No wonder, Mahatma Gandhi believed that forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.

Internationally renowned physician and cardiologist, the late Dr Herbert Benson, who helped pioneer the field of mind/body medicine, said, “There’s something called the physiology of forgiveness. Being unable to forgive other people’s faults is harmful to one’s health.”

Many studies in medicine and clinical psychology are now linking the inability/unwillingness to forgive with health hazards such as increased blood pressure, cardiovascular disease, and immune suppression.

Forgiveness is therapeutic

These same studies are also proving a long-standing truth that all faith traditions have been preaching for centuries: that those who are forgiving not only have improved relationships, but fewer health problems and lower incidence of the most serious illnesses.

For instance, a Duke University Medical Center study showed a decrease of back pain, depression and lower levels of chronic pain in people who learned to forgive.

Dr. Charlotte vanOyen Witvlieta, psychology professor at Hope College in Holland, Michigan, found that when individuals were able to forgive, they experienced greater joy, a more profound sense of control over life and less depression.

Forgiveness is liberating

Author Isabelle Holland said, “As long as you don’t forgive, who and whatever, it will occupy rent-free space in your mind.” What this really means is that if we don’t forgive, it is we who suffer, not the person/s at whom our resentment is directed. Therefore, we would do well to keep in mind that forgiveness has less to do with another and more with ourselves. When we forgive, we free our hearts and minds of the needless toxicity and suffering. Forgiveness, then, is a liberating experience. It is the best gift we can give to ourselves.

Forgiveness requires effort

Forgiveness is immensely beneficial but it, by no means, is easy. It requires us to recondition our thinking and unlearn our justice-seeking [revenge] mindset.

Paul Coleman defines forgiveness as the decision to offer love to someone who has betrayed that love. Robert D Enright and Joanna North define forgiveness as giving up resentment and vengeance and fostering compassion on the inflictor of pain.

Few have explained forgiveness as well as psychologist Joan Borysenko, PhD, author of Minding the Body, Mending the Mind: “Forgiveness is not the misguided act of condoning irresponsible, hurtful behaviour. Nor is it a superficial turning of the other cheek that leaves us feeling victimised and martyred. Rather it is the finishing of old business that allows us to experience the present, free of contamination from the past.” There! Genuine forgiveness is all-encompassing. When we forgive it’s not just about letting go of the desire to get even. It’s also about replacing ill-feelings towards the offender with feelings of compassion and love. When you forgive with all your heart, you let go of all negative feelings towards the other. In the words of Dr Paul T P Wong, “Complete forgiveness involves complete transformation toward the offender.”

Seems a tough call? Perhaps, we can learn a thing or two from the great souls who not only preached, but also practised forgiveness.

“Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do,” prayed Jesus Christ as he was being crucified. This ultimate example of forgiveness teaches us a lot. When we change our perspective and develop tolerance towards the wrongdoer, it is easier to forgive. Jesus forgave those who did all manner of evil against Him. He knew that hatred, anger and bitterness are counterproductive and He believed in the awesome power of love, which He effectively used to transform thousands of souls.

Forgiving yourself

To be able to genuinely forgive others, we must first learn to forgive ourselves. Forgiving the self is even more important than forgiving others. Why the need to forgive ourselves? Because, self-condemnation is even more harmful to our mental, emotional and physical health than resentment towards others.

We blame ourselves for all kinds of things and the ensuing guilt stops us from enjoying our life to the fullest. Self-reproach is often a moral issue. When we commit an act that is considered to be morally wrong, we feel guilty and carry that guilt with us. Self-forgiveness means taking a non-judgmental stance of our thoughts and actions. Holding on to what is over only immobilises us. Self-forgiveness is accepting our limitations of being human. It is about knowing that we’re allowed to make mistakes and learn from them.

Forgiveness in practice

Even if we resolve to forgive, we can’t do it overnight. The dissolution of anger, hatred and bitterness accumulated over years takes time. So, genuine forgiveness is a gradual process and requires patience and thoughtful deliberation on our part. The following steps can help you get started:

1. Start with meditating on the specific feelings of bitterness you have been carrying in your mind
2. Resolve that you will not allow resentment to seduce you into acting in self-defeating ways
3. Next, start observing your thoughts and actions. Each time you notice feelings of resentment, remind yourself gently about the dangers of being resentful and the power of forgiveness
4. When you find the bitterness in you neutralising, begin to slowly bring compassion and love into your thoughts.

Let go and change your future

Resentment is a futile emotion as it only harms its proprietor – emotionally and physically. Commit to memory what Buddha said centuries ago: “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else – you are the one who gets burned.” So, instead of condemning and resenting others, we can serve ourselves better by cultivating an attitude of letting go, of condoning.

Remember—the past cannot be changed, but by forgiving you can change the future. So, if at any point, you find that you are not happy with your past behaviour, do yourself a favour — simply resolve never to repeat it and move on.

Readers interested may further exploration on forgiveness may visit Campaign for Forgiveness Research. It’s an excellent resource on scientific research of forgiveness.

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