The current global inter-connectedness helps such relationships flourish, while also making it easier for couples separated by life circumstances to stay in touch. However, it clearly leaves something lacking. How can people maintain their relationships over the miles as well as resist the temptations that remain all too near?

Until recently, long-distance relationships almost always started out like most physically close relationships. Individuals met in person—at work or social functions, through family or friends—before becoming couples. Only later, due to a life-change, did they have to separate from each other for brief periods of time. The times spent apart were transitory and the couples regularly came back together, even if only to be separated again.

But recently, more people are able to meet online, through chat rooms, social networking or dating websites, and carry on a romantic relationship for some time before ever meeting in person. Before the internet, people would occasionally meet and fall in love through written correspondence [as penpals], but forming a relationship while physically separated is much more common now, and has led to an explosion in long-distance relationships, many of which do not culminate in person for months or even years.

Regardless of the origin or nature, the most crucial factor in keeping a long-distance relationship alive and flourishing is communication. While made easier by email, text-messaging, and social networks, communication between partners in long-distance relationships must nonetheless be frequent, meaningful, and open. It must be frequent because partners must compensate for the physical connection they miss. The lack of physical intimacy also implies that communication must be deep and meaningful. Physical contact is an amazingly efficient way to convey feelings for each another, whether through a meaningful look or a special touch. It is often difficult to say the same things verbally—much less with a keyboard!

For relationships that begin online, this issue may only become apparent once the couple has met in person and then part. Once both enjoy physical intimacy, they may find it harder to live without it, and meaningful communication becomes all the more crucial.

It’s important for communication to be open and candid when partners are not physically together. When verbal or written communication is all you have, every word—and every silence—takes on an entirely new meaning. It’s best if couples can talk on the phone or use video calling services as much as possible. In these means, the copious information contained in a person’s vocal intonations and fluctuations is not lost, and facial expressions can be appreciated over video calls. But when most communication is written [through emails or text messages], the main threat to a relationship is vagueness or unexpected breaks in contact.

These failures in effective communication force partners to interpret them in their own way—and that’s where misunderstandings begin. In a regular relationship, such issues might get resolved with a minute or two of face-to-face interaction. However, in long-distance relationships, with less regular communication, misunderstandings can fester and take on lives on their own [especially if one or both partners are inclined toward self-doubt or harbour anxiety about the state of the relationship].

In a long-distance relationship, communication also has to be both spontaneous and planned. Unexpected texts and emails are the lifeblood of any relationship, but when partners don’t see each other for long, these little surprises take on even greater meaning, giving couples the little jolt of romantic adrenaline that they crave during absences.

A significant amount of communication between partners must be planned as well. They need to be able to expect to hear from each other at certain times to retain a sense of normalcy and routine in the relationship. In couples that stay together, routines provide comfort. And doing things to simulate regularity when apart helps maintain the sense of togetherness over the miles. Even a regular “good morning” or lunchtime chat can reassure partners that they are still together in a meaningful way.

Once a routine is established, it is essential to maintain it, or at least let the other person know when an “appointment” will be missed. Unexpected absences may increase anxiety about the relationship—and possibly arouse suspicions of infidelity. Trust takes on a much greater weight in long-distance relationships. In ordinary relationships, one can get reassurance about a partner’s fidelity fairly quickly—perhaps every night when both come home and spend time together. In distant relationships, though, both have to work hard at the trust factor—an occasional text message or email may not be assurance enough, especially since the person could be anywhere—and doing anything—while sending it.

Couples in such relationships must also work harder to deserve that trust by staying faithful to their partners. Temptations abound, more so when your partner is away for long and other attractive people are near all the time. Physical intimacy is not totally removed from emotional intimacy.

So the more meaningful, open and frequent communication couples enjoy, the less tempted they will be to give in to illicit opportunities. The more often partners keep in touch, the more deterred they may be from doing something they won’t want to talk about. Ultimately, fidelity comes down to remembering your obligations to your partner. Remember, distance and time apart make outside options more tempting, but no less wrong.

Long-distance relationships are not for everybody. Those who strongly crave physical contact—holding hands, cuddling on the couch, kissing or making love—will be frustrated by long-distance relationships, despite the partners’ best attempts to maintain emotional intimacy through regular and open communication. Such people will need frequent visits to satisfy their needs [which is perfectly legitimate], and they will be more tempted by opportunities outside the relationship. If such people are going to be separated from their partners for long periods of time, they have to decide if the relationship still satisfies them, especially before they do anything that would hurt their partners. But for people whose needs are oriented more towards emotional closeness with physical intimacy being just the frosting on the cake, long-distance relationships can be very fulfilling—and they open up a whole world of romantic possibilities!

The post Nurturing long-distance relationships appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

And if you read enough articles offering dating advice in newspapers, magazines, or online, you’ll be inundated with tips based on the oldest folk wisdom and the latest psychological research. Guys should try to impress their dates, but ladies should act dumb; neither men nor women should appear too eager, but for different reasons.

More generally, you’ll hear countless experts claiming to tell you “what men want” or “what women want”—along with tips on how to be what they want in order to get what you want.

The underlying message in all of this is “don’t be yourself—be someone else!” But this is sure to backfire, and for three specific reasons:

1. You’re misleading the other person. If you are looking for someone to connect with on a personal and emotional level [as opposed to one-night stands or casual relationships], it’s impossible to connect with a lie. Whether it’s exaggerating your height on an online dating profile, pretending to earn more money than you really do, or simply acting ‘dumb’ so you don’t intimidate your suitor, you’re giving the other person a wrong idea about who you are. And when the person finds out that who s/he met and liked was not the real ‘you’, watch out—feelings may not be the only things that get hurt!
2. You’ll attract the wrong person. Fooling other people into liking you isn’t only unfair to them, it’s also unfair to you. Why attract people who like the person you’re pretending to be, when you could attract people who like you for who you are? If, for instance, you pretend to be athletic and wealthy, you’ll attract someone who likes athletic, wealthy people—but that’s not you. Not only will that person be disappointed when s/he finds out you can’t pick up a barbell—much less the check—that person won’t really like you. And isn’t that what dating is all about: finding someone that likes you for you?
3. You’re selling yourself short. If you act like a different person when trying to attract someone, what you’re really saying is that the real you isn’t good enough. But why should you act like a different person when you’re a great person already? Besides misrepresenting yourself and attracting the wrong people, there is a unique cost to not being yourself. You’re suppressing your own personality, needs, and desires, all to be some person you think others will want, instead of being the person you really are.Does it mean you shouldn’t try to improve yourself to help find somebody? Of course not—improving things about yourself that help make you who you are is one thing, and changing or hiding these things is another. And if there are things about yourself you’d like to improve, finding someone else is not the only reason to do it. Improving yourself is not trying to be a different person, but rather working to be the best ‘you’ that you can be.

People like dating advice because it gives them a feeling of empowerment, thinking that there’s something they can ‘do’ to attract the person of their dreams. Ironically, the more we’re attracted to someone, the harder we have to ‘try’ to appeal to the person. It’s not what you do, but how you are. If you think you’ve found the right person for you, s/he will like you for who you are, not because you’re trying to be someone else.

Be yourself

The best dating advice is simple: be yourself, the best ‘you’ that you can be, and then show it to the world. Put yourself out there, but in a way and in places that you’re comfortable with. If you like bars and clubs, great, but if you don’t, then don’t go there just because there’s lots of people there—if you do meet somebody here, it will likely be someone who likes being in such a place, which is not the kind of person you want to meet. Wherever you like to hang out—whether it’s the bookstore, health club, or coffee shop—keep hanging out in those places.

The people you’ll meet in places you like, are there because they like to be there too, and that already guarantees one thing in common.

If you’re not naturally outgoing or gregarious, don’t worry and don’t try to change. It is often enough just to be seen, sitting with your coffee or working the exercise bike, making eye contact with people you’re attracted to. And you can be sure that the person who latches onto your gaze will be seeing you—the real you.

The post The ultimate dating advice appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

If you’re in a relationship with a self-loathing person, what can you do to strengthen your relationship while helping your partner—and yourself? I’ll tell you.

Understanding What Is Self-Loathing Behavior

Self-loathing people believe they are not good enough

At the most basic level, self-loathing people feel they are not good enough for their partners. To some extent, this is natural: love is often accompanied by feelings of awe and admiration, but people who don’t love themselves take these feelings too far.

A self-loather’s thought pattern is something like this: “Why should this person be with me when there are so many better people out there?” If this sounds like your partner, your first impulse is to praise them, to reassure them of their worth. While this is admirable and kind, self-loathing people are likely to dismiss or deflect such praise, feeling that they don’t deserve it. They may even interpret it as patronizing rather than sincere, if you repeat it often. It may also intimidate the self-loathing person, who may look at the praise as something they have to live up to while worrying that they can’t. This only compounds their feelings of inadequacy.

Self-loathers tend to be oversensitive to your choice of words

Self-loathing people are sensitive to wording; they are naturally disposed to take things badly, so they project their own feelings of inadequacy onto what other people say to them. This puts an extra burden on you, the partner, to be especially careful when giving criticism.

Any criticism you give is often blown out of proportion. It also reinforces your partner’s feelings of inadequacy. Furthermore, because of a lack of faith in himself or herself, your partner takes even minor criticism as a sign that you are reconsidering the relationship, and fears that every little mistake may be the last straw.

A self-loather suffers from jealousy and fear of abandonment

To make things worse, this ‘crisis of faith’ suffered by the self-loathing person may also show up in expressions of paranoid jealousy. Every person they see you talking to [especially of the opposite gender] seems better in comparison to themselves.

This makes them worry constantly that you will abandon them for somebody else. [This can be especially maddening for self-loathing people when coupled with their guilt over preventing you from meeting other people!]

It is natural for you to interpret these displays of jealousy as distrust and take it as a reflection of you. But remember, it’s more likely based on how your self-loathing partner perceives his or her low worth and value to you.

Self-loathing individuals are motivated by their own shortcomings

It is natural to think that self-loathing people are needier than most, but the truth is more complicated. Some self-loathing people seek out in their partners what they find lacking in themselves: success, good looks, intelligence, or confidence. [Ironically, this backfires as they later find themselves tortured by feelings of inadequacy when they compare themselves to the ‘superior’ partners!]

At first you may be flattered by this admiration, but over time you come to realize that your partner values you not for yourself, but rather for his or her own perceived shortcomings—and that probably isn’t what you want in the long term.

Self-loathers are reluctant to accept any help

There’s another way in which many self-loathing people do not fit the picture of the needy partner: they often reject help when it is clearly needed and sincerely offered. They are reluctant to seek out or accept help for the same reason they reject praise: they do not feel they deserve it, and they don’t want to impose on anyone else, especially you.

How to Deal With a Self-Loathing Partner

Regularly reassure your partner about what truly matters

Dealing with a self-loathing partner can be a delicate balancing act. You deserve to express your own issues and concerns, but you must also keep in mind how sensitive your partner is.  You have to assure your partner that small problems are not important in the big picture, that you both botch up from time to time—and that none of these issues signal the end of the relationship [though continued friction over them might].

Many of us desire sensitivity in a partner, of course, but dealing with extreme sensitivity can be both frustrating and exhausting, and may be more than you want—or deserve—to handle. If you’re with such a person, his or her reluctance to accept help may be especially hard on you. However, the fact that you are with such a person means that you are caring and patient. You understand who you’re with, and you naturally want to help your partner deal with his or her issues.

But the very nature of these issues causes your partner to push you away, refuse help, and possibly alienate you. Out of all the difficulties that partners of the self-loathing individuals face, this may be the most fatal to the long-term health and success of the relationship, since your essential caring nature is being denied. It’s natural to feel frustrated.

Don’t forget to prioritize self-care

While your self-loathing partner has her issues with which you naturally want to help [even if you can’t], you must not forget to take care of yourself as well. Your partner must keep in mind that, as selfless as you may seem, you also have needs that deserve to be met.

It is each partner’s choice to be in a relationship, but it is also each partner’s prerogative to end it—and you have every right to leave if you’re not getting what you need because you’re always thrust into the position of dealing with your partner’s problems.

Despite your natural kindness and patience, please keep this in mind: Don’t let your partner’s failure to love themselves make you forget to love yourself.

Last updated on 29^th March 2023

The post In a Relationship With a Self-Loathing Person? appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.