Standing out means owning who you are

Can you relate to Rachel’s experience? How do you feel about standing out from the crowd? Does the idea excite you and make you smile, or does the very thought strike terror in your heart and make you cringe? If the latter is truer for you, what has been your alternative to standing out?

Many women describe their style as ‘beige,’ ‘predictable,’ ‘decent’ or ‘downright boring.’ Rarely does a woman purposely choose that look. It is usually a response to her deeply-rooted fear of standing out for the wrong reasons; she would rather fade into the woodwork than risk looking silly or inappropriate. The result? Each time she gets dressed, her self-esteem and confidence take a direct hit.

How do you feel about standing out from the crowd? Does the idea excite you or does it strike terror in your heart and make you cringe?

Some people equate standing out with looking flamboyant, outrageous or ostentatious. But that doesn’t have to be true [although those looks certainly do produce a few stares!]. Standing out means owning who you are and celebrating that. And if flamboyant, outrageous or ostentatious is who you are, then celebrate it! You can stand out whether your look is subtle and elegant or dramatic and bold or something else entirely. As long as you display your personality and inner essence, then no matter how you express it, it just looks and feels right.

Respect yourself

Recently, I met with Fiona, who was about to re-enter the dating scene and felt apprehensive. Her most pressing question was, “When should I show cleavage?” Together, we did some work and determined that her personality was primarily gentle, heartfelt and radiant. I could tell just by looking at her that the idea of showing a lot of cleavage felt foreign and uncomfortable. Fiona had a predetermined belief, however, that she was supposed to expose cleavage at some point in her dating experience, so it came as a great relief to her to learn that she never had to if she didn’t want to, especially if it wasn’t true to her essence.

What she really wanted to explore was how to look and feel sexy in a way that was authentic for her. Now, that’s a different story!

You can stand out whether your look is subtle and elegant or dramatic and bold or something else entirely

What about you? What is your look saying about you? What motivation is driving you to choose the outfits you do? Are you trying to blend in and hide [this never really works] or stand out in a way that gives you confidence and feels good?

Dress positively

As with Rachel, women are hesitant about standing out, but this is usually because they don’t know how to do so in a positive way. If you could use a little support in this area, here’s an exercise to help.

The next time you get dressed, rate the outfit you choose to wear on a scale of one to ten.
A ten would mean that you are totally celebrating yourself and dressing authentically with no apologies, and a one would mean that you are hiding as much as is humanly possible. Obviously, the goal is to get to 10!

Next, analyse your look.
What aspect of your style feels like you are trying really hard not to be noticed? Is it the:

• colour [too beige, black or neutral]?
• cut of the outfit [too big, boxy or shapeless]?
• fabric [sweatshirt, or head-to-toe polar fleece]?
• overall style [it looks like your mother, sister or best friend so you can fit in]?
• accessories [or lack thereof]?
• lack of textures or patterns [all smooth solid colours]?

Once you have analysed your current look, make a concerted effort to tweak just one component at a time. Add texture, a touch of colour or some accessories. Keep trying until it feels good and fun.

Let your inner beauty shine

“You are you. Now, isn’t that pleasant?”
— Dr Seuss

Remember, you aren’t trying to stand out just to stand out. This is about feeling empowered to express your inner beauty and authenticity. As with Fiona above who worried about showing cleavage on her dates, you have to determine what feels right for you in your life right now.

Women are hesitant about standing out because they don’t know how to do so in a positive way

To give you an example, Tim describes himself as gentle and mild. He wears delicate colours and soft styles. When he wears a jacket, it is not made of bulky or heavy fabric. Meanwhile, Jack is quirky and colourful. He can wear deep, bold colours and often wears chunky cuff links without it seeming like too much.

The delicious part of all of this is that both Tim and Jack stand out in their own individual way. If Jack toned everything down and tried to be refreshingly gentle and Tim wore brightly-coloured, quirky clothes, they would each feel uncomfortable and self-conscious. They would stand out in a way that felt disingenuous.

Remember Rachel? That’s exactly what she was worried about. As soon as we swapped the high-heeled boots for flat ones, she relaxed and smiled. Her legs still looked long, and the blue sweater still showed off her eyes. But she felt more grounded and at ease. Her internal peace shined through, and this is something others cannot help but notice. She now stood out in a way that reflected her inner beauty.

The same can be true for you. As you build your personal style, step by step, and begin to make positive changes, you will find the styles and garments that genuinely reflect who you are. That’s the sweet point where standing out as you has a whole new, delightful meaning!

A version of this was first published in the December 2013 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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Who do you see when you look into your closet? Is your mother’s face smiling back at you from that ruffle shirt you’ve never worn? Or is your best friend’s favourite jacket hanging out in there taunting you?

In response to the question, “Who do you see when you look in your closet,” I most often hear:

• My mother/father
• My best friend
• Myself, before I became a mum/dad
• Myself, before I gained 30 extra pounds
• Myself, before I turned 50
• My favourite celebrity
• Whoever was working at the store the day I went shopping
• The store window mannequin
• All of the above!

Guess what? When you look in your closet you want to see YOU—just you. You want to see items that make you smile and that you associate with fun times and delicious moments. Maybe the memories are of pushing your daughter on a swing, lunch with friends, a successful business presentation, or a precious date with your sweetie. These are the simple pleasures that make up life. And you want these feelings to be reflected in every aspect of your wardrobe—down to your nightgown and slippers!

So evict the strangers and weed out those garments that make you roll your eyes or cringe. They have absolutely no place in your wardrobe. This exercise will help you make your closet all about you!

Remove one item from your closet that feels more like someone else than you.

If you are near your closet, go there right now and do this [if not, write down the first thing that comes into your mind so you will remember to remove it later]. Do it even if you don’t know why it isn’t you or what to put in to replace it. The very first step is to get it out of there.

As long as something that is not you is taking up space in your sacred closet [yes, it is sacred because this is where your essence is expressed every day], you will feel overburdened, frustrated, annoyed or discouraged—or resigned to all of those feelings—every time you get dressed and none of those is good. It is also very likely that you are not wearing this garment anyway. It is like a security blanket, but the security is a sham.

Identify one garment or outfit that makes you smile the second you put it on your body.

It can be a dress, pair of pants, a pair of shoes or a scarf. No item is too small or insignificant.

Lay the stranger and the item you love side by side, and get a piece of paper or a notebook.

For the item that is not you, write down everything you do not like about it.

Be as picky as you can. Maybe it’s the way the fabric feels. Perhaps the buttons seem overwhelming, or there are just too many of them. It could be that you dislike the pattern or the way it clings. Or perhaps it has a belt, and you do not like belts. Write down everything! If there are a few things you like about it, write those in a separate column. Maybe the colour is pretty, but it can’t make up for the fact that the style is so shapeless.

Write down everything you like about the item you love.

Colour, texture, fit, shape, ornamental details, the way it feels or anything else about it that comes to mind. Maybe it makes you feel sophisticated, down-to-earth, spunky or pretty. Whatever it is, write it down.

Keep both these lists handy and use them when you go shopping to help you stay focused.

They are your lifelines! The next time you try on an item, run down both lists and see how the garment compares. It is so easy to get distracted by all the choices, the lighting or the helpful ‘advice’ from sales women or your shopping buddies.

Remember just one rule: only buy or wear something if you love it.

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Does this scenario sound familiar? We are often unaware of the damage these statements or experiences have on our psyche and our self-esteem. It seems that we are trained from a young age to belittle the way we look. Sure, we use humour, which can offset the sadness and mean spiritedness of what we say, but the essence of our words still lingers.

This is not a good thing. As Louise Hay will tell you, language is a powerful thing.  According to her, “Self-approval and self-acceptance in the now are the main keys to positive changes in every area of our lives.”

Here is my story

As a teenager, going to the beach was an ordeal for me on many levels. First of all, I’m white as white can be, so while my friends basked in the sun all day and came away with a glowing tan, I’d be burned to a crisp within about 30 minutes. But that wasn’t all.

While sitting on the blanket wrapped in several towels, a sweatshirt and a hat, I would watch the other women sunbathers and—you guessed it—I’d compare myself.

Now I have knock knees. So mostly I would study the legs of the women walking by. But did I see bikini-clad bathers confidently walking the beach who were knock-kneed?  Nope.  Never.  So, I always, always felt self-conscious walking on the beach. I just imagined that everyone who saw me snickered at the shape of my legs.

Of course, the key word there is imagined!  Never, ever in my whole life has anyone pointed to my legs and laughed—at least that I’ve been able to see. I, however, am excruciatingly aware of the fact that my legs are not straight.

What are you saying to yourself about your body that keeps you stuck in a rut? Be careful about shrugging it off as good-natured kidding or insignificant conversation.  These comments are much more damaging to your psyche than you might know.

Thankfully, I have come to terms with the fact that my legs are unique and have learned to appreciate that they are long and healthy. Sure, I would be delighted to wake up one morning with straight [and could they be a little less white, too, please?] legs, but it is more a fun fantasy than a sad longing.

Do you find yourself readily comparing your body with those whose bodies you perceive as more beautiful than yours?

If so, take a few minutes to reflect on these questions:

1. What body part do you scrutinise on other women and compare to your own body?
2. How does that make you feel?
3. Do you blow it out of proportion? Be honest!
4. What would happen if you stopped hyper-focussing on it?
5. Do you know what triggered it originally or what triggers your insecurity around it now?

What do you do next?

Admit that it bugs you, and commit to making peace with it. Visualise yourself smiling compassionately at that body part. I know, it sounds a little out there, but it really does make a difference. Acknowledge the uniqueness of who you are and that this is part of what makes you special [think Barbra Streisand’s nose or Cindy Crawford’s mole]. Commit to learning how to dress to honour that part of your body. This means not trying to eradicate it or hide it under layers of
fabric but acknowledging its preciousness as part of you and not dressing as if you think it’s an eyesore!

Stop whining. OK, maybe you don’t whine, but I did for years. Oh, poor me! I have knock-knees. Of course, since there’s nothing I can do about them, whining does nothing other than make me feel bad about my body. Have I learned how to dress my body in a way that minimises the crookedness of my legs? Yes. Do I sometimes wear things like skinny jeans or leggings even though the bend in my legs is noticeable? Yes. Are there some days when I feel more comfortable doing that than others? Yes, and that’s OK.

Become a master of drawing focus somewhere else. Acknowledge two or three body parts that you love. Do not skip this part! Learn ways to draw focus there by using colour, detail, pattern, accessories, texture. to make a statement. And, by all means, do not sit around looking uncomfortable because you are afraid someone will notice the offending body part, and do not run from having your picture taken. Dress in a way that makes your heart sing, hold your chin up, and smile! I can guarantee that others don’t notice any of it as much as you do.

Years ago I was playing the piano at an event for hundreds of people. It was the first time I had performed for such a large audience, and I was incredibly nervous. At one point in the song, I accidentally repeated a page. I was mortified and was sure everyone was snickering or gasping. Instead of letting it go by pretending that I had done it on purpose, I made a face. I wanted everyone to know that I knew I had made a mistake. My mother told me later that no one would have noticed my error if I had not wrinkled my nose, and I know she’s right.

It’s the same thing with our bodies. If you keep fidgeting with an outfit to try to cover the seemingly offending body part, you will draw more attention to it than if you dress in a way that makes you happy and forget about it.

Learn how to take a compliment. When someone compliments your hair, do you say, “Oh, wow. It’s driving me crazy today. It never seems to do what I want it to, and the humidity just makes it…”  Or when someone admires your sweater, you say, “Thanks. I wish I didn’t have to wear it. I’m hot, but my arms are so flabby that I don’t feel comfortable exposing them.” What if you just smile and say, “Thank you! You made my day!” Then, take a deep breath and, inwardly, maybe take it one step further. You don’t have to say anything else aloud. Instead, think to yourself, “Wow! How fabulous that my hair looks good on such a day. That’s great news since my hair appointment is still a week away.” Find a way to make it feel good. When you respond to compliments this way, you will also be modelling healthy behaviour to others. This is especially important if you are raising young girls. What a gift!

Stop the gripe sessions with your friends. Tell them you are on a new path to self-acceptance, and invite them to come along. Challenge them to say something loving about themselves—get them started by offering each person a genuine compliment. They will love doing the same for you.

Life is too short to spend bemoaning what you don’t have. Celebrate what you do have, and you will always feel and look better! This does not mean you have to go around saying happy things about the parts of your body you aren’t in love with to everyone you meet. It just means don’t say negative things about them. And do not berate yourself if you forget, or you will feel overwhelmed and give up. Just practise regularly so that little by little you are kinder when you talk about your body.

This was first published in the February 2014 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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Before you add another item to your wardrobe, let’s talk about creating a signature style.This is a look that people associate with you because it is consistent and memorable. A signature style expresses your personality, makes you smile every time you get dressed, and gives the world a clue from the outside as to who you are on the inside. And you want to be sure you are giving them the right message! Understanding your style will make you a savvier shopper and a smarter dresser.

Remember that creating your personal style is an ongoing journey, not a final destination. Your body will change, and fashion will change, but if you take one step at a time and celebrate each change that makes you feel good, you will get there.

These 10 steps will allow you to move in the right direction. Take notes as you do these. These insights will be invaluable when you shop.

1. Hold it right there!

The first step is awareness. Fully allow the realisation to surface that you aren’t happy with your wardrobe right now. Do not wallow in it, but fess up and take responsibility. Agree that you will no longer support this habit that is not serving you. Every person, no matter what age, weight, height or colour, can look fabulous. You are no exception. Sure, you might have to come to terms with the fact that you are not going to grow five inches taller or that your weight has stabilised higher than you want it to or that you will always have slightly bowed legs no matter how toned they are. But, you can always dress in a way that minimises the parts you don’t love and maximises what you do love, even if you don’t believe that right now.

2. Go beyond comfort

I am not saying sacrifice comfort. I’m saying allow for other aspects of your ideal wardrobe to be present along with comfort. Yes, you can wear a dress that is comfortable, and it can be beautiful and reflect who you are. Comfort and personal beauty are not mutually exclusive.

3. Be yourself

Many people have a wardrobe that looks more like everyone but them. As a result, what they have does not delight them. They are bored or uncomfortable!

When I say be yourself, I’m talking about who you are at a gut level, not whether you are an entrepreneur, mother, wife, CEO or speed skater. Are you radiant, down-to-earth, quirky, fun, bold, gentle, spunky, elegant, unconventional or something else entirely? If you are over 40, how have you changed, grown and evolved from when you were in your 20s? What positive words would you use to describe yourself now? These traits must be reflected in your wardrobe, or you will never feel fully satisfied.

If your wardrobe doesn’t reflect your personality, do not berate yourself. Exploring different styles helps you determine what you like and what you don’t. What often happens, however, is that if you are at all uncertain, you assume others know better. It is now time to take back control of your own style.

Before you go any further, take a few minutes to think of three or four positive words to describe yourself. Think big! Use a dictionary or thesaurus for inspiration. For example, are you dynamic, impish, enthusiastic, fiery, poised or saucy? Ask a friend to help—just be sure the words resonate with you, not just your friend, because you want them to be reflected in your wardrobe. Note: When you are choosing your words, do so without imagining how they will translate into clothing. That part will take care of itself later. It is easier to see how a wardrobe can be colourful, smart, sweet or down-to-earth than it is to imagine clothing that is humorous, determined or sensitive. Do not get sidetracked right now; focus on words that best describe you.

These words can tell you a lot. If, for example, one of your defining words is luminous, and you dress in all neutral colours, perhaps it’s time to add some pizzazz! Or, if you are wise but your wardrobe consists of pastel T-shirts with silly sayings on them, it might be time to bring in more rich colours, textures and styles.

4. Know what you have

Pull three or four of your favourite outfits out of your closet. What do they have in common? Look for these themes:

Colour—Do you love to wear colour, or are you a black and white or neutral person? If you wear colour, are there particular ones you favour?

Fabric—Do you like fabrics with body and structure, or do you prefer them soft and airy or flowing and drapey?

Fit—Do you like fitted, loose, flowing or softly tailored?

Solids v/s prints—Do you wear one more than the other?

5. Know what you want

What characteristics do you feel are missing in your current wardrobe? Pizzazz? Elegance? Beauty? Drama? Flamboyance? Spunkiness? Or something else?

6. Know your accessory style

Consider how frequently you accessorise and the types of accessories that interest you.

• Do you always or never wear jewellery?
• Do you like ties? Do you know how to wear them?
• Are shoes your passion or just a necessity?
• How do you feel about cardholders, handbags, eyeglasses and even your hair?
• What makes your accessories distinctively you?

7. Know your dislikes

Perhaps you cannot imagine wearing ruffles, anything embroidered, turtlenecks, or polo shirts. It’s up to you! What you do not like can tell you as much about your style as what you do enjoy wearing.

8. Let the universe inspire you

Spend five minutes a day visualising yourself wearing clothes that make your heart sing. Remember, you do not have to see a specific outfit. It’s more the feeling that the outfit elicits that you are going for. Imagine looking in the mirror and saying to yourself, “Wow, I look stunning!” If stunning is too big a word to start, choose something that feels doable to you right now. Try sophisticated, darned good or even so much better. The universe will say, “Hey, he wants more of that,” and that is what you will get. It might be in small doses and in surprising ways, but you will get it.

Spend five minutes a day visualising yourself wearing clothes that make your heart sing

9. Start small

You don’t want to scare yourself by completely overhauling your style overnight. It probably took you years to get in a style rut, so give yourself a break and start small. If you’ve been wearing mostly neutrals, add a new colour in a tie, scarf or pair of shoes. Do not buy an entire outfit in a bright colour if you usually wear all black or neutrals! Get a great new hairstyle or hair colour to reflect the image you want to project. Hint: If you do that, you might find you need to make another change fairly soon to keep up with your new hairdo! Or maybe buy a handbag in a colour you’ve been admiring, and use it every day for a week. See what happens!

10. Buy it and wear it only if you love it

As I have said before, do not settle for functional or something that will just get you by. If you don’t love it, don’t buy it! There are no exceptions to this rule.

A smaller wardrobe may actually be better Despite what you see on the TV makeover shows, creating a wardrobe is not a one-time proposition, and there is certainly no magic bullet. Like most people, you will still probably have to try on many things before you find the pieces you love, but at least you will feel more confident about your final selections. Building a wardrobe is a lifelong project and, ideally, an enjoyable one. The more you see your wardrobe taking shape, the more fun the journey is! As new and wonderful things come into your life, you will feel more comfortable letting go of more of what is cluttering your closet now. And, you will also find that your wardrobe is smaller than you expected. Surprisingly, it will not feel smaller, because you will wear everything. That’s when you know you are right on target!

A final word of advice: Pay attention to detail. Remember that a signature style is all about consistency. You will get discouraged if you do it half-heartedly. For instance, if you have a fabulous, elegant look and throw on your old running shoes with it, you are going to feel frustrated when it doesn’t feel right to you. You want to feel great in everything you wear, and when you follow these guidelines you will.

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