Our mothers did that too, in their own unique way. They did needlework to relax, they tried out new recipes because they loved to. They had fun in their own way. They always knew the art of self-nurture and it came to them naturally, despite their responsibilities.

Our stressful lives leave little scope for us to enjoy. We seem to be constantly chasing targets, and trying to achieve. Whether men or women, we are typically our lowest priority when should give as much importance to ourselves as to others.

Give Yourself Priority

Self-renewal is essential for our well-being. In life, being super-busy and super-organized is as ineffective as being disorganized and idle. Balance is ideal — work with play, giving with receiving. It is balance that blocks the road to a burnout and opens the gates to better performance. If one has to achieve balance in life, there is no alternative to self-nurture. Explains psychologist Alice Domar, author of the best-seller Self-Nurture: Learning to Care for Yourself as Effectively as You Care for Everyone Else, “Self nurture means to care for yourself and put yourself amongst your own list of priorities… Because balancing work and family is so hard, when we juggle them, we leave ourselves last which takes a huge toll on our mental and physical health.”

Getting in touch with ourselves is a key contributor to self-nurture. Psychologists suggest that to reconnect with our own self, we need to peel away the layers of what the world expects us to do, and do what we really would like to do for ourselves – even if just for a little while.

8 Ideas for Self-care

1. Understand your body

Ask yourself these questions. Do you have any aches and pains that you have tried to ignore for long? Are there any changes in your food pattern? Are you drinking more alcohol or coffee lately? Are you eating or sleeping more than usual, or less? Are you watching more TV to numb yourself to sleep? Sometimes, we start on an unhealthy lifestyle without realizing it.

2. Observe your mental or emotional changes

Check if you have started using coping methods like withdrawal, postponing action, emotional outbursts or over-controlling. Being aware of these things can help you choose ways to nurture yourself. By looking closely at how you have started dealing with life, how you respond physiologically and emotionally to the day, you begin to get a clear picture of what works for you and what doesn’t.

3. Check need for supplements

Your physical exhaustion and fatigue could mean that you need to consult your doctor to increase your daily vitamin intake. The right supplements and an altered diet would help you feel energetic.

4. Be physically active

Psychiatrists and stress management consultants often suggest an exercise routine at least four times a week. This helps reduce depression, boredom and lack of energy and enthusiasm. A short walk is an effective and healthy alternative to stress-relief medicines.

5. Listen to soothing music

Music has vibrations which affect our heartbeat, blood flow and brain waves. Any music that helps you breathe slower and deeper, relaxes you. Dr Steven Halpern, music researcher and author of Tuning the Human Instrument and Sound Health, has found that the best relaxation is achieved with the sound of a flute, harp or a piano.

6. Have a tranquil bath

Bath can be a natural sedative or stimulator. Bath additives can enhance the soothing quality of a warm bath. Chamomile and lavender are particularly calming. Apple cider vinegar, Epsom salts can be directly added to bath water. Giving yourself an oil massage — at least on a holiday — before a warm bath can be rejuvenating. We don’t need expensive spas every day.

7. Savor a cup of tea

Sometimes a “me-time” opportunity can come in the form of a hot cup of tea. Sitting back, holding the warm cup in your hand and feeling the steam rise can be very soothing. Indulging in chamomile, basil, jasmine, mint or lemon flavored tea can be very invigorating.

8. Have a stroll in nature

Nature can be the greatest tranquilizer of the world. Half an hour in the local park works very well. Watching the sea, seeing the clouds roll by, looking at the rains, all can help us unhook our minds and let go of the day’s problems.

Self-care is honoring your contribution to everyone else’s life. Give yourself the gift of value, starting today.

The post Why Taking Care of Yourself Is Important + 8 Tips for Self-care appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Right from the times of Cinderella, you know that life gets better when the shoe fits right. Today, bizarre fashions, vanity, ignorance and apathy have made sure that a lot of times what you wear on your feet has nothing to do with its health. Worse, the footwear that you choose often causes injury instead of preventing.

Foot health is crucial

Your feet bear a huge burden through the day; they carry the weight of your body and feel the impact and strain when you move about. If not properly supported, they are at a high risk of injury. Footwear plays a big role in the development as well as the prevention of foot problems like bunions, calluses and corns, and hammer, claw, and mallet toes. Shoes that don’t fit properly make these conditions worse and can affect your mobility. On an average day, the feet of an adult bear a force equal to several hundred tons! Needless to say, you owe your feet good care. The right footwear can help you do this.

Who needs feet care?

Although feet care applies for everyone, it is more crucial for those with conditions like diabetes and arthritis as well as people with jobs that require being on the feet for long hours. As you age, your footwear can play a big role in how steady you can be on your feet, which is a big concern to many seniors. Of course we must look for a perfect fit but do know that there is nothing like a perfect shoe. Just as the shapes of different peoples’ feet are different; shoes are perfect for different people in different ways.

Some pointers you need to keep in mind the next time you go shopping for footwear:

Know your foot type

Analyse your feet well: how broad is it? Is it wider than the usual? Are the toes longer?

The extent of physical activity during the day, your weight and age

It’s obvious that a person doing field jobs will put more pressure on his feet than someone with a desk job. A chef or a nurse might need shoes that are different compared to, say, a call-centre executive. Likewise, someone at 70 would need footwear that is quite different from one suitable for a 25-year-old.

The nature of your work and the safety aspects

Does your job require you to be exposed to hazardous materials, or things that could pierce the sole? If yes, you need to choose steel-toed shoes. Exposure to electrical currents would necessitate the need to wear electrical hazard footwear with no exposed metal parts, rubber soles and heels, and rubber-insulated steel toes.

People with medical problems require shoes with extra depth or width to prevent circulatory problems. They need to choose shoes that are not pointed in the front. Pointed shoes can make your toes claw which, besides affecting overall body posture and causing back pain, can cause rubbing, leading to corns and calluses as well as more serious problems.

What experts say

• If you choose to wear closed shoes, they should be broad and deep enough. If you can see the outline of your feet pressing against your shoes, then look for another pair
• Your toes should not touch the end of the shoes; there ought to be a gap of at least one centimetre at the end of the longest toe
• While you may choose broad-toed shoes to prevent the feet from cramping, you need to be careful that they are not too broad otherwise the foot will roll while walking, making you susceptible to tripping
• When trying on new shoes, you should feel comfortable immediately – do not buy them in the hope that the feet will slowly get used to them
• Your footwear should have laces, straps, buckles or even velcro to secure them. If the feet have to make an effort to hold them in place, foot muscles might get strained
• Choosing the right material of the footwear is important. Ideally, your shoes need to be made from a material that breathes; shoes that don’t breathe open you up to the risk of fungal infections.
• According to the American Academy of Orthopaedic Surgeons [AAOS], a good walking shoe should have a soft upper, good shock absorption, a smooth tread and a sole that allows your foot to go through its walking motion. A good jogging shoe should have adequate cushioning, flexibility, stability in the heel, lightness and good traction.
• While shopping for shoes, it’s best to shop in the later part of the day. Most feet tend to swell during the day and it is best to try shoes on when your feet are their largest.
• Podiatrists suggest that while buying your footwear, always try both sides and lace/strap up properly.
• While trying on shoes in the shop, check your comfort while hopping or even running a little in them.

Please note that comfortable shoes are not another term for ugly; at the same time, health cannot be sacrificed at the altar of style. A bit of thought put in at what goes on your feet will keep you well-balanced all your life. Time to put your best foot forward!

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A: Here are a few general tips given the world over to vent your anger. One can also find different ways of doing it according to individual preference and comfort:

• Count one to ten…or to a 50 or then a 100 if need be! You will calm down by then and if the matter is fairly insignificant, like an argument with a stranger on the road, the need for an outburst will diminish.
• Do something that is physically exerting: We don’t have punching bags ready in the house, but punching your kids for something that happened in your office is not a good option either. Start doing something that will be physically exerting. A friend of mine chops vegetables vigorously; sometimes she peals fruits. Her family usually gets to eat mixed vegetables, some yummy raita or a generous quantity of fruit salad after she is upset.
• Find something that is either distracting or calming: Do anything that you like doing. I, for instance, surf the Internet for either jokes or songs or poetry when annoyed. The subject depends on what has upset me. You get jokes and poems for all occasions. By the time I’m through, my anger has subsided if not gone.
• Creative expressions: A lot of people prefer to write, paint or, in some way, express their hurt or anger creatively. It can be very cathartic.
• Use ‘I’ statements instead of ‘You’ statements: It helps, especially when it comes to anger in relationships. But if you are angry with God over something or with the world in general for racism, perversities, lack of honesty, environmental pollution, bad political leadership then you simply have to find what suits you better.

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Unreal expectations

If there’s one profession in this world that is put on a pedestal and is also pulled down as quickly, then it is medicine. Doctors are expected to make things all right, come what may. If they do, they are divine; if not, God save them!

We want to trust them but, strangely, won’t. We laugh at the jokes like “Doctors are the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.” “Why do surgeons wear masks during the surgeries? Because if anything goes wrong, no one will know who did it.” We watch horror flicks with morbid fascination where the doctors do the unthinkable on the operating table; we see them in classics like Citadel struggling against the establishment or read them in best-sellers like Coma and are convinced of their heroism.

Extreme reactions

Doctors are powerful, doctors are appealing. There’s a halo around their heads as they decide our fate using medical terminologies that we do not understand. We trust them and surrender to them. We only surrender to those whom we place our faith in; to those whom we put high above us. And when these man-made Gods make human errors, we curse them or even attack them physically. We have heard of doctors being assaulted by the patients’ families, their clinics burnt and their lives threatened. There is a rise in the medical lawsuits with doctors becoming wary of litigations or and the associated compensations they may have to pay.

What could have made us go to the other extreme after centuries of deference?

The rise of health consumerism has been changing the traditional light in which we have been seeing doctors. It has also encouraged a contractual and conflict-generating relationship with them. An increasingly well-educated population has started challenging medical authority, and now treats the doctor-patient relationship as yet another provider-consumer association, rather than a sacred trust filled with awe and reverence. With the many alternative healing methods available, there is a dramatic rise in the number of doctors who could provide you with a second opinion. A few bad apples and a couple of experiences of indifference and greed have also goaded patients to distrust physicians. The lowered quality of health in congested cities, the rising stress and lowered tolerance, has added to people reacting strongly to what sometimes are human errors made by doctors as human beings or issues which are beyond their control.

The Guidance-Cooperation Model

To avoid the two extremes that we reach in our dealings with doctors, we – as patients – need to change. Today, a conscious “Guidance-Cooperation model” of a doctor-patient relationship seems like a better option. The doctor is supportive and non-authoritarian when he/she recommends a treatment, yet is responsible for choosing the appropriate treatment for the patient. It is up to us, patients, to accept or reject it. However, for this to work, we need to get pro-active, ask questions and understand the pros and cons, the benefits and the dangers involved in a treatment. We need to convince the doctor that we like to have them talk to us in an egalitarian way, listen, ask a lot of questions, and explain things in a simple way. When that happens, the privilege of medical knowledge of the doctors will no longer make them seem superhuman. Both of us – patient and the doctor – will be equal participants in our process of healing.

Researchers have found that such a concrete communication can also have an effect on the clinical outcome of the treatment. When we as patients are satisfied with this connection with the doctor, it also tends to alleviate psychosomatic symptoms, if any. It makes us more compliant with our treatment regimes. This obviously results in a better outcome. The doctors, at their end, can understand that encouraging an active rather than a passive role of the patients does not mean de-professionalisation of medical practice. The more comfortable people are with them, the lesser the social distance and better the cooperation between the two parties. In any process of healing, trust and communication matter as much as the medication.

Agreed that medicine is fundamentally a vocation to help man under stress and not to exploit his need but, at the same time, it is also a profession. We need to look at it realistically and at the practitioners of it, sensibly. The doctor is as human as anyone of us and it is only human to err. A doctor does not have a halo or wings. But then he also doesn’t have a tail or a pair of horns. It’s time we stopped looking for either.

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You might make an impression or even be asked out in the evening, but the crucial business contract is coming nowhere near you. While you try to be crisp and business-like, your clients are probably staring at the T-shirt which also says, “They’re real, but the shirt is fake” and weighing the validity of your claims.

Choose the right style

Style faux pas cannot be excused, especially if your company’s image depends on yours. As far as career clothes are concerned, they depend on your office environment, corporate culture and what tasks you perform. Your age and position in the office should also be kept in mind. Industries like hospitality, retail, and airlines, demand a specific uniform and formal dress code at all times. However, if the environment is creative, there is scope for personality. But creative doesn’t mean sexy. It’s important for women to never let clothes come in the way of their professional image.

Strategic planning of business clothes is like a business presentation. Think of yourself as a brand and the clothes like your packaging – especially if you represent your company and have to go out or meet clients often.

The easiest and perhaps cheapest way to manage this is to buy basic pieces to mix and match [without mixing fabrics arbitrarily]. This makes professional dressing much easier and also gives you a lot of choices.

• A basic, tailored suit. Black is the best choice here, but also try brown, grey or navy. These colours give you more options as to what goes under it. The classic collared blouse would be perfect.
• A crisp white shirt or blouse. A white shirt or blouse is always in and can be worn with anything. Combining it with a skirt or a trouser will make you look simple and elegant.
• An A-line or pencil skirt that falls a little above or right below your knees. Choose A-line skirts for a larger lower body and a pencil skirt for slimmer hips. Both these shapes are classy.
• A perfect cut and the fit. Simple, timeless styles are great on their own. As for the fit, the right clothes can flatter your body and boost your confidence. You can look great no matter what size or shape you are. The trick is to wear clothes that suit your body type and camouflage your trouble areas while playing up your best features. Clothes with clean lines, flattering shapes and well-placed hems manage to do just that.
• Checks and pinstripes. Big, bold checks hurt the eyes and take away the sophistication of the cloth. Also, while horizontal stripes make you look wider, vertical make you look leaner. Pin stripes are flattering in black, dark brown or navy blue. But never wear the same pattern of a particular type from top to toe.

Colour and fabric

They play a huge role in giving an illusion of a perfect shape. Darker shades of colours like blue, purple and brown help to hide flaws while lighter colours like white, cream yellow add to your frame.

Latest trends

In India, as far as formal pants are concerned, women prefer charcoal-black, beige and olive-green. The material is usually imported polyster viscose fabric. While cotton linen is upmarket and will be more popular in the coming years, it’s not preferred by those who have to commute by public transport or need to move out often in the day. In linen, popular colours are off-white, black, beige and ash. They can also be teamed with off-white stoles.

Off-white cotton shirt, along with black trousers, is also an eternal favourite in India. The hem of the trousers is usually upto 18-inch wide with a straight cut. The shirt in crisp white cotton is either full sleeved or a deep incut sleeveless blouse. The length varies between 22-25 inches and the neck is usually V-shaped.

In the West there are more varieties in the form of linings or fabrics and an ample play with differently-shaped buttons, stylised pockets and zippers, in India it is kept simple because of the climate.

As for formal social gatherings, the clothes need to be graceful, yet not overly sexy. The colours here could be varied, but prints need to be sophisticated and styles chic. Here, a simple dress with one interesting detail is ideal. You can wear it without feeling conspicuous. But it’s best to avoid a plunging or backless style.

Be comfortable in what you wear. Also, what you wear should make you look and feel good.No matter what the cost or the label, if the outfit doesn’t flatter your body, forget it. You don’t need it when you are supposed to come across as a confident, beautiful and intelligent woman with a style of her own.

Accessories

While in office, prefer shoes that are the basic pairs of black and brown heels [closed-toed with a 3-inch heel]. With formal evening wear – sling-back shoes [in silver, black or matt gold], evening pointed shoes [in bronze, gold and silver], classic evening pumps [with 1 1/2 inch heel in silver, gold or black], evening platform shoes [with a 2 1/4 inch heel] and the high heel sandal with the instep cut out and a peak-a-boo toe will never let you go wrong. For a better impact, you could always add other accessories like jewellery and purses without overstepping the formal-fashion boundaries.

Just because your colleagues don’t dress professionally doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. You are judged not only on your work performance, but also on your appearance. However, despite these pointers if you are ever unsure about what can work for you, simply turn to the eternally elegant silk saree of the right colour.

No matter what the occasion, that’s one outfit which will never let you down.

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But courage is also Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norgay; it is the first few women who fought against gender bias; it is Mukhtar Mai who talked about her rape; it is the first same-sex couple which asked the world to mind its own business; it is also the first fish which swam against the tide. Courage is Helen Keller and it is Christopher Reeve.

Courage is YOU

Courage is in every mind which finds strength to persevere and endure in spite of overwhelming obstacles against them. Courage doesn’t have to involve larger-than-life people. It is there in each one of us, it just has to be tested. Those lucky get through life without having the opportunity to test it; but those who do, can emerge only better and stronger. Courage is you, when you rise again, phoenix-like, from the ashes of life, to heal and help heal.

An article in The Journal of Positive Psychology, written by Sean Hannah and his colleagues from the US Military Academy, suggests that levels of courage are influenced by individual character traits, particular states of mind and the values, beliefs and social forces acting on a person. They have also listed some more:

• One’s inner convictions: These include independence, selflessness, integrity and honour. These beliefs can have important effects on behaviour in the face of fear.
• Social forces: Some might argue that these are the most important. People look at how others react to a situation, and then think how they should act in relation to other people.
• Inter-relationships: Positive emotions are likely to lead to less experienced fear. This also leads to more courageous behaviours on the part of people, which in turn leads to the subjective experience of courageousness. This will convert into positive emotional states.

Courage is not just fearlessness

Lack of fear might be a product of a deranged, immoral or unethical mind. Courage has a deeper moral dimension. It is the strength of the heart which shows when being faced with difficult choices. Aristotle has talked of moral courage where the danger is not to a person’s physical wellbeing but to his or her social standing. Today it also includes lack of acceptance or ostracism from colleagues in an office, fighting sexual harassment or confronting someone over racist or community-focussed jokes.

Moral courage is tested too often in social or financial concerns. What motivates people who find themselves in these situations is their quest for justice or respect for human dignity.

A lot of things have been said about physical and moral courage. Physical bravery makes ordinary people larger than life, moral spine makes better human beings but it is psychological nerve which urges us to fight and overcome our shortcomings, irrational fears, destructive habits and mental illnesses which hold us in bondage. There are choices: Either you continue being what you are, get used to the social ostracism, mockery and humiliation by people and withdraw into a shell, escape miserably into substance abuse, or else take conscious action in the face of painful circumstances towards improving yourself. Then you realise that courage is no longer tied to better yourself for the sake of your public image. It is all about mending your own mind.

Martin Luther King was said to have fought depression constantly to maintain his campaign for civil rights. If he had succumbed to mood disorders, other forms of his courage would have been impossible. There is evidence that he spent sleepless night fighting his own demons and it was his work that pulled him out. The opportunities to act with both moral and psychological courage are many, and the fears calling for them are as different as people themselves.

Courage is not gender-biased

Courage was once a traditional male virtue, but civilisations, over centuries, have proved that it isn’t so. For courage to be expressed, both men and women are equally well-equipped. Both sexes experience fear and are capable of assessing dangerous situations, correctly or wrongly. Both sexes are involved in roles which regularly need physical, moral as well as psychological nerve.

Today, inter-personal experience adds greater dimensions to how courage is identified and expressed by women. The existing framework for what is an act of courage has changed. It is also different from culture to culture and society to society. Fighting the oppressive Military Junta for decades for the sake of human rights and democracy was an obvious act of courage for Aung San Suu Kyi of Myanmar, but running a beauty saloon at home or reading erotica was an act of courage for women under the stifling Taliban rule in Afghanistan a few years ago.

Courage can make you a Hero

Courage can be selfish and desert you. But lacking in it once doesn’t mean you will always fail when the need arises. A couple of months ago, the Discovery channel had telecast a brilliant documentary on wildlife. A herd of wild buffaloes was disturbed when a lion attacked one of them. Their first instinct was, of course, to flee, leaving behind the victim of the attack. As the poor animal fought for its life, the rest of them watched from a distance. Then slowly, one after the other, all of them moved closer to the scene till about a dozen wild buffaloes seemed to have circled the predator. The next moment there was an enraged attack by the herd on the lion till the king of the jungle was forced to leave his prey and sprint to save his own life.

We cannot always wait for the fictional hero to save the day for us. Sometimes we have to be the hero. And most times we will not be acknowledged for it. We do it more for ourselves because in a situation that calls for fearlessness, we stand up for what we believe in. Without courage we are the Cowardly Lion from The Wizard of Oz who once didn’t count sheep on sleepless nights because he was too scared of them. The Wizard makes the trio of the Tinman, Scarecrow and the Cowardly Lion, finally understand that what they lack are not brains or a heart or daring, but faith in themselves. Each one of us, like The Neurotic’s Notebook says, is made of flesh and blood and a miracle fibre called courage. When we use that, what we can achieve is nothing short of a miracle.

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A loving family starts with a loving marriage that remains strong, where both partners stay together because that is how they want it to be, when they accept each other as they accept themselves. It is this feeling which is passed on to children. In families that also has grandparents, often, it is the love between the grandparents and grandchildren which makes the family bond even stronger. Children rebel against their parents who, in turn, might complain of a generation gap, and often the grandparents are the best friends that the children have.

Healing power

The power of family cannot be underestimated. For millions of years, people have lived in families and the oldest healing form in tribal medicine often made the healer bring the tribe together to ask what was going on in the clan to make one of its branches, a family, sick. Each of the members of the clan, then, had to come forth and confess any negative feelings they had towards the sick person or each other. They also had to forgive each other before the healer started his work.

One could also compare family to the human body. You need to see that every bit of it is healthy for an overall healthy life. Minor upsets are sometimes signs of bigger breakdowns to come and it’s best to tackle any attack on your health right at its roots.

Open and honest communication between all is the key factor. Often, especially in the metros, families don’t have time for each other and communication is mostly through the mother. Members spread themselves too thin and when this happens for long, gradually the concept of being together doesn’t hold its earlier importance. Communication breakdowns then are quick to follow.

Unexpressed emotions, especially anger or resentment, can destroy togetherness. Your fears, doubts, anxieties, need to be brought out in the open and taken care of before they become a wedge between you and your family.

Like unexpressed anger, unexpressed love or appreciation is equally deadly. Members take each other for granted and lack of appreciation for each other leads to resentment. The assigned task becomes a chore instead of one’s share of responsibility in the family. In the words of Dr Alice Honig of Syracuse University’s College of Human Development, “Family members can either tear each other down or build each other up. In a harmonious family every person figures out ways of making the others happy, whether it is through small gestures or simple words of appreciation.”

Psychologists call it “Strength bombardment” where each person takes turns at understanding his or her good qualities and then listens to more praise from the others. That is how the right behavioural pattern solidifies.

Doing things together is one of the ways to contribute to your family’s success and your home’s health. Even simple things like working together on renovating your home, helping out in the kitchen or entertaining family friends with each other’s help is enough to bring you closer. You are a team and whatever is accomplished is that of the entire team. If there are goofups, they can be discussed later to avoid repetition. It becomes your training ground for working together with strangers later at a workplace. You acquire a sense of responsibility, learn to focus on the task designated to you and take pride in doing it well.

A strong unit

For a family to have a sense of inbuilt discipline, there needs to be an organised set-up of relationships as also a clear chain of command. It doesn’t mean autocracy but a figure who becomes a central clearing house of issues. Here rules are spelled out clearly and each member’s role is specified. Children are not lumped together, not only because of their different ages but also because of their different personalities. Adults, while remaining centres of authority, are willing to apologise when they are wrong, but with dignity. That gives a sense of justice to a child who has really been wronged at a given time.

A family that dreams together, stays together. They could be tiny dreams or big ones but all the members push themselves to make it a reality. It gives a sense of fulfilment like nothing else.

Dreams are hopes and it is hopes that keep people going, both in sunny and rainy days. Of course, there needs to be someone to keep an eye on the light at the end of the tunnel, to guide the others when darkness seems overpowering and fatigue begins to set in. It is only then can the journey to the distant light continue, hands held, steps in tandem.

For relationships and ultimately for families to survive, you have to make an effort. Sometimes it’s not easy, it takes thinking, problem-solving and ingenuity on the part of all the members, especially in the matters that concern home security. Unless your family is safe there is no peace of mind and without the peace of mind, even the prettiest of houses have no meaning.

Home safe home

Families with children who are still young need to be careful of a lot of things. Since it is not possible for someone to keep an eye on them every minute, it’s best to take some general precautions to avoid tragedies. A lot of mishaps take place when the children are playing away from the eyes of the elders even inside the house. It’s best to:

• lock the entry points of the balcony so that it is not used as a play area
• choose heavy furniture rather than plastic furniture, so that children cannot move it and use it to climb on the railings
• think through the height of the railing considering the age of the children
• ensure that the railing is vertical, not horizontal, so children cannot use it like a ladder
• the balcony surface is non-slippery to avoid possible tripping.

It’s impossible to protect your family members from predators all times of the day, whether inside the house or outside. A close-knit family can always have a security plan for the home. Burglaries are one such serious threat to both home and family, especially in the metros. A majority of burglaries occur during the daytime when most people are away at work or school and the house is either empty or then has only the elderly members. Burglars look for items that are small, expensive, and can easily be converted to cash, like jewellery, watches, laptop computers, CD players, CDs and other small electronic devices, along with cash. And they use ordinary household tools like screwdrivers, lock pliers, pry bars and small hammers. Security expert Chris McGoey, creator of safety Web site crimedoctor.com, suggests that you “harden the target”, meaning make things difficult for the burglars who will then simply skip your home for easier places. This is how:

• Make sure your dead bolt is a heavy-duty model and bolted to the door frame with three-inch screws.
• Fit windows with latches and keep them closed when you are away at work.
• Keep all the entry points to your house well lit.
• Don’t look like an easy target. Attacks are also about power and even the smallest resistance at times can drive away the burglars. I had once met a 76-years-old lady who warded off criminals by keeping her wits about her. All she had for support was a pomeranian puppy. She, of course, credited it all to the James Hadley Chase novels that she read all the time!
• Neighbours are the best source of support and can keep an eye on the house, especially if there are only elderly people at home throughout the day. Cultivate them. Fortunately, in India, this comes to us automatically.
• Finally, appear to be home even when you are not. Requesting the neighbours to pick up your newspapers or the milk bags, in case you have to leave town suddenly, will not let strangers know that the house is empty and so an easy target.

Closeness among family members allows each one of them their own space as well as helps them be safe even outside. McGoey suggests that when developing a family security plan you must give careful thought to the public routines of each family member, discuss and explore some “what if” scenarios of real life situations.

Careful planning leads to less stress and a better family unit. Otherwise, as the cactus asked the orchid, “What’s the point?!”

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Temptation is as old as Eve. While there are many chances of Eves today being tempted more by a piece of chocolate than a full-bodied Adam; at times justifiably, most of us can’t resist a lot. What usually follows after giving in is the “morning after” feeling, guilt and embarrassment. Temptation is fun while it lasts but the world is no paradise later.

We are tempted to do things in anger—right from wanting to dunk the boss in piranha-filled waters on a bad day at the office, to killing your mother-in-law on a bad day at home. There are temptations to shop, to follow fashions, to have sex, to label people, to offer advice, to control, to victimise, to conquer, to prove yourself, to be successful, to help, to run away, to have fun. The world is a very tempting place!

Temptation and guilt

Temptation generally has a tag of guilt to it. Those who resist it are lauded, those who cannot are disapproved of. We give in to temptation in moments of weakness. Cursing yourself later would not be necessary if you check out the recent evidence on the real cause of temptation which affects our behaviour. It might even make you feel better because, apparently, it’s your body which is supposed to make you give in.

Writes Science Daily based on the research conducted by the Association of Psychological Science, “The funny thing about being vulnerable to saying, eating, or doing the wrong thing is that humans are typically unaware that they are in a moment of weakness, unlike the strain and fatigue we feel in our muscles after a workout.”

New research conducted by the University of Kentucky psychologists suggest that there may be a biological indicator to tell us when we are working hard at resisting temptation and consequently when we are vulnerable to doing things contrary to our intentions. A measure of cardiac regulation called “heart rate variability” [HRV] appears to be linked to self-regulation.HRV is much higher when people are working to resist temptation than when they are not.

Psychologists also say that self-control takes fuel, literally. When we exercise it, resisting temptations to misbehave, our fuel tank is depleted, making subsequent efforts at self-control more and more difficult. We worsen over time and our ability to control ourselves wanes when it is exercised. Psychologist Roy F Baumeister, along with fellow researchers, found out that this fuel is sugar, in the form of glucose. The results as reported in Current Directions in Psychological Science, a journal of the Association for Psychological Science, suggest that psychological help can make people achieve greater self-control. Like muscles, self-control can be strengthened through exercise.

Brain activity

Researchers at the University of Toronto tell us what exactly happens in our brain when we give in to temptations. “Normally, when a person deviates from their goals, increased brain activity occurs in a part of the frontal lobe called the anterior cingulate cortex, which alerts the person that they are off-track.”

The researchers found that the activity here is weaker in those who suppress their feelings. After engaging in one act of self-control, this brain system seems to fail during the next act. As human beings, we have limited resources to control ourselves, and all acts of control draw from this same source. Therefore, when using this resource in one domain, for example, keeping to a diet, we are more likely to run out of this resource in a different domain, like studying hard. Once these resources are exhausted, our ability to control ourselves is diminished. An article in Medical News Today believes that this conclusion is important because then mental health experts can find ways of helping people change their behaviour. If people, even temporarily, don’t realise that they have lost control, they will not be able to stop themselves on their own.

Temptation to give in also seems to come from the natural human instinct to belong. Peer pressure is huge. We don’t want to be seen as oddballs, or to be left out of a group, and so we often give in to temptations more easily.

We also become more vulnerable to temptations when our minds are unquiet or dissatisfied. There is always the lure of taboo which demands gratification. Calm, content minds are better at dealing with temptations which are against our basic values. But when these basic needs are not met we seem to yield easily.

Different reactions

Men and women react differently to different temptations. Cultural factors too play a very big role here. Certain societies take self-control more seriously than others. Their expectations from the genders vis-a-vis temptations are different. Stereotypically, women are expected to not give in to sexual temptation while men are not expected to give in to temptations of indulging in fear, tears or other obvious vulnerability, however rough the situation.

Spiritual texts have laid a very big emphasis on keeping away from temptations. A temptation or moha is considered one of the shad ripus, the six enemies within one’s own self, and moksha, the ultimate goal of every enlightened mind, means nothing but the kshaya or erosion of moha.

While sex, alcohol and gambling have always been high on the list of “don’ts”, there are also some more. An interesting piece of poetry by the 18th century poet Anant Phandi lists out some.

“Guard yourself against temptations,” he writes. “Don’t give in to the temptation of buying on credit, taking unnecessary loans, of chasing fame and power, of standing guarantee for a friend’s financial dealings, of checking out a path that is not straight. And simply forget about being tempted by another’s loved ones. A temptation for another man’s wife cost Ravana his kingdom and the Kauravas their entire clan.Smart people don’t give in to temptations!”

Sometimes we are smart, sometimes we aren’t. Humans have always liked to portray animals as those who lack self-control. We are quick to condemn “animal impulses” and “animal-like behaviour”; as for us, aggression, greed, wars and the growing xenophobia should tell us that most of the times, we ourselves don’t do much about dealing with our temptations and impulses.

With the new-found research there seems possibility of therapeutic intervention. The best thing about life is that there’s always hope.

The post The science of temptation appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Long after one has put down Nelson Mandela’s autobiography, Long Walk to Freedom, one can’t help but remember how perfectly some words reveal what made the man a legend, an example of imperishable human spirit. He writes, “I am fundamentally an optimist. Whether that comes from nature or nurture, I cannot say. Part of being optimistic is keeping one’s head pointed toward the sun, one’s feet moving forward. There were many dark moments when my faith in humanity was sorely tested, but I would not and could not give myself up to despair. That way lays defeat and death.”

Optimism is a remarkable trait. It is that which allows the owner of it to see the proverbial glass as half full at all times. When dark clouds gather, they can see a silver lining to at least one of them. When travails of life take them through the tunnel of existence, they notice a light at the end of it. For optimists, there is hope and confidence about the future or the success of something ahead. They are sure that their troubles are specific to a situation and can be controlled. These are people who manage to keep their sunny side up when darkness descends on their lives. From Burmese Nobel laureate Aung San Su Kyi who refused to give up her struggle for democracy to Sudha Chandran, who danced with her Jaipur Foot, optimism, along with grit, has made these lives examples to others.

Optimists don’t give up when failure strikes. They look at the situation as a temporary setback and push through. Research shows that optimism in a person starts early. Martin Seligman, a pioneering psychologist and the author of Learned Optimism and co-author of The Optimistic Child writes, “The basis of optimism does not lie in positive phrases or images of victory, but in the way you think about causes.”

He explains that each one of us has an explanation of why things happen to us the way they do in life. This develops in childhood and unless deliberate efforts are made to change it, the attitude will last for lifetime. According to him, pessimists assume that when something goes wrong, it will always go wrong henceforth, while optimists believe that things will become better the next time.

Mind control

Optimism is considered an important characteristic, one of the strengths of your personality. Science has already proved that your mental state affects your immunity. It is more of your perception of a situation than the actual situation that affects you. Unknown to us, we carry on a conversation with ourselves in the mind, interpreting circumstances, judging situations and people. This self-talk can be either positive or negative.

A pessimist burdens his body with unrelenting stress. Psychologists say that every time we expect the worst our flight or flight instincts are called into action. Adrenalin flows, pulse quickens and when one dwells on negative thoughts for long, one exhausts oneself. Seligman’s research has shown that optimistic people surpass pessimists in three areas:

• They are better able to resist depression [clinical and general].
• They are better achievers [demonstrated in work, school and athletic performance].
• They are more physically healthy.

A study conducted by a team of researchers led by Elizabeth Phelps, professor at the New York University, has explained how the brain generates human tendency for optimism. The researchers have identified a neural network that may generate optimism. They used functional Magnetic Resonance Imaging [fMRI] to examine brain function while participants thought of possible future life events, both positive and negative. When they imagined positive future events, there was an enhanced activation in the brain areas that seem to malfunction in depression. More optimistic participants showed greater activity in that region when imagining positive events.

The team found that participants were more likely to expect positive events to happen closer in the future than negative events, and to imagine them with greater vividness.

Health benefits

Unlike pessimists, optimists are not easily prone to stress-related physical ailments. One of the reasons why optimists tend to be healthier is that depression weakens certain hormones in the brain, sparking off a chain reaction that suppresses the immune system. Positive thinking is known to reduce tension, enhance emotional wellbeing, and cardiovascular health. Research has shown that optimists cope better with disease and surgery. Psychologist Charles Carver found in a study of women with breast cancer that those who were optimistic displayed far less trauma a couple of months after surgery. They had accepted their illness but had tried to move on with their lives.

Optimists are more resilient in the face of difficulties and cope with stress better. What is remarkable about them is that they are not in denial of the negativity in their lives. Studies show that they are more able to perceive and integrate negative information, modify their behaviour to avoid danger, problems and risks. Their proactive approach to life and ability to see the possible in the impossible makes them bounce back better from setbacks.

Although the levels of optimism are the same for men and women, apparently, there are crucial gender differences when it comes to things they are optimistic or pessimistic about. According to Seligman, “Men are optimistic about work, attributing failure to temporary, local and external causes; they are pessimistic about interpersonal failures, invoking permanent, pervasive and personal causes. Women are just the reverse: They are optimistic about social setbacks but pessimistic about achievement.”

Is there something as being too optimistic? Psychologists answer in the affirmative. Research has revealed that while optimism can be a protective factor against stress, it can actually suppress the immune system in cases where the stressor is serious and complex. Pessimists, at such times, are better prepared.

Optimism or the lack of it, then, seems to be born out of an interaction between psychology, physical science and day-to-day existence. A quote by Nobel laureate Dr Albert Schweitzer sums up what the ideal attitude to life could be. He says, “An optimist is a person who sees a green light everywhere, while a pessimist sees only the red stoplight… the truly wise person is colour blind.”

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The concept of beauty spans philosophy, biology, psychology, and culture. Limitless examples of beauty products, wonder drugs and bodies that willingly go under the knife send us a message: the emphasis on looks is extraordinarily powerful.

The appeal of beauty begins in infancy. One of the parameters of beauty is symmetry and babies are known to respond better to symmetrical faces. A study by behavioural scientists found that women who made love to handsome men reached orgasm in 75 per cent of the instances while others had them only 30 per cent of the time. The attractive man was more likely to have his ejaculation at the same time his female partner was having her orgasm. So, according to this study, symmetry and physical beauty also meant better chances of reproduction.

Good-looking people are considered to be full of vigour, health and positive energy. Psychologists call it a “Halo effect”, which means that when we consider a person good in one category, we are likely to make a similar evaluation in other categories. The “Devil effect” is just the opposite where we automatically blacklist unappealing faces. For us, those attractive are intrinsically good and the unattractive, inherently bad.

Studies show that attractive people get a lower bail for crimes, are helped more in emergencies, are more likely to be celebrities and have higher incomes.

Aristotle believed that “Beauty is a greater recommendation than any letter of introduction.” Says Dr Carolyn Chambers Clark, author of Living Well With Anxiety, to Complete Wellbeing, “It’s true that in a society that values beauty and youth, beautiful young people do have an advantage over the others.”

The “beautiful-is-good” stereotype means that across the cultures, beautiful people are assumed to be more sociable and well-adjusted. Research shows that while an individualistic society like the US further assumes they are independent, assertive and self-reliant, a collectivist society like Korea assumes they have integrity, generosity and concern for others.

Our perceptions of beauty are heavily based on cultural stereotypes. Psychologist Preeti Nagaraj explains, “People don’t share the same beliefs in life. So, considering the law of averages, it is definitely true that people differ in the way they view even beauty and the various aspects of it.”

However, does this mean that beautiful people are more likely to have higher self-esteem and never suffer from looks-related anxiety?

Clark says, “Beautiful people are not always confident and don’t always have high self-esteem. They are often aware that others judge them only on their looks and so may lack confidence. This can lead to performance anxiety in areas they’re not competent in. Such reactions can be fired by the fact that they’ve leaned heavily on their looks to get them through life, and never learned communication skills, or studied hard in school, so they can be at a disadvantage when those traits are important.”

Despite the unfair advantage that the beautiful of the world have enjoyed for centuries, today, studies show there is growing awareness that not all great wrappers contain great goodies – better still, not all good things in life come wrapped in great packages.

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