These heart-wrenching dilemmas can shape not only the life of the child but also the entire family dynamic. A mother’s response in such moments becomes a defining factor in determining the emotional wellbeing and future of her child. Let’s explore real-life scenarios that reveal the crucial role of maternal intervention in times of paternal rejection.

When a Father Rejects His Child

Case 1: When the Mother is Unable to Act Forcefully

Sudhir’s mother chose her own survival over her son’s emotional safety. As a child, Sudhir was regularly subjected to verbal and physical abuse by his father for even the smallest infractions, such as not responding quickly enough when called. His monthly allowance was accompanied by hurtful insults like “you good-for-nothing, living off my wealth.” This escalated to public humiliation in adulthood, including being caned in front of guests for a minor car accident.

Sudhir’s mother, despite her meek pleas for mercy, remained passive due to her own financial insecurities. She neither asserted herself nor considered leaving the abusive marriage, effectively failing to protect her son. By the age of 24, Sudhir was diagnosed with schizophrenia, and at 32, he still cowers in fear at the sound of his father’s footsteps, scarred by the deep wounds of rejection and neglect.

Case 2: When the Mother Fails to Take a Stand

Ajit’s story mirrors Sudhir’s in many ways, yet his outcome was different. Ajit always dreamed of becoming a fashion designer, a passion that his father dismissed as disgraceful.

Ajit would dress up his sister’s dolls, and sketch pretty women. He would his mother and sisters on their clothes, for which his father labeled him “gay” in a derogatory manner, rejecting both his talent and his identity.

During one particularly humiliating episode, Ajit left home, deeply wounded by his father’s rejection. His mother, who remained a silent bystander throughout his torment, did nothing to support him. Today, Ajit is a successful yet bitter fashion designer. His unresolved pain manifests in volatile relationships with his family and staff, and he continues to seek validation from the father who rejected him. Despite his success, Ajit remains haunted by his mother’s inaction, wishing she had stood by him when he needed her the most.

Case 3: When the Father Rejects His Child But Mother Stands By

Rohini’s experience reveals a different path. Her father, a self-made businessman, provided her with material comforts but imposed strict rules on her behavior, including forbidding her from interacting with boys. When Rohini, at 19, was caught outside an ice-cream parlor with a boy, her father exploded with anger, calling her derogatory names and threatening to cut off her allowance.

In contrast to the previous stories, Rohini’s mother stood firm in her defense, even when her husband threatened to throw both of them out. With her mother’s unwavering support, Rohini moved to a hostel, and her mother continued to encourage her to be independent and true to herself. Today, Rohini is a self-assured woman, forever grateful for her mother’s courage and guidance.

The Mother’s Response is Crucial

These cases highlight a key truth: when a father rejects his child, the mother’s response can shape the trajectory of the child’s life. Whether driven by fear, financial dependence, or emotional insecurity, a mother’s decision to remain passive can have devastating consequences. Conversely, when a mother steps up to defend her child, she can empower her child to face the world with confidence.

Families where one or both parents fail to prioritize the child’s welfare often become dysfunctional, leaving children feeling emotionally orphaned. The resulting emotional damage can manifest in mental health issues, behavioral problems, and a misguided search for love and validation elsewhere. When a mother neglects her role as the child’s protector, the child feels abandoned, leading to anger, anxiety, and depression. But when a mother stands firm in her role, her children grow into empowered, independent adults.

Case 4: When the Mother Takes Charge

Seema, a mother of two, faced regular verbal abuse from her husband but coped by focusing on raising her children and earning a living through private tutoring. The situation escalated when her husband began verbally attacking their children and refused to finance their higher education. Seema, realizing she could tolerate the abuse herself but not her children’s rejection, took decisive action. She filed for divorce, determined to provide for her children even with her limited means.

Seema’s children, inspired by their mother’s courage, worked hard and achieved successful careers. They remain grateful for her strength and resolve in choosing their well-being over her own comfort.

Why a Mother’s Role is Sacred

Existence has entrusted the mother with the sacred work of nurturing life in the form of the children born through her [referred to as life’s longing for itself by Kahlil Gibran], and therefore you need to live up to the trust placed in you as caregivers to these children. Kahlil Gibran says in The Prophet,

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Summing Up

Mothers are the stabilizing force in a child’s life, guiding them toward their potential, even when the father falters. When a father rejects his child, the mother’s decision to either step in or stand aside profoundly impacts the emotional and psychological health of the child. A mother’s strength, support, and unconditional love are the foundation upon which a child builds their future.

Last updated on 24^th September 2024

The post When a Father Rejects His Child, the Mother’s Response Is Crucial appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

I have counseled a number of people who have come to me with feelings of guilt because their close friend has died by suicide. They feel as if they have failed their departed friend by not doing enough to save them. They mull over whether they could have done something.

If you have a severely depressed or suicidal friend, you may find yourself in a very precarious position where you want to urgently do something but see yourself as helpless in the face of severe clinical depression.

So is there any kind of intervention that you can offer to a suicidal friend, to stop their downward spiral? And what are the limitations you must accept in such a scenario?

There are several factors that contribute to the tendency of an individual feeling suicidal. Let’s look at each of them.

Factors That Contribute to Suicidal Feelings

Psychological factors

Flexibility

This is the first principle of emotional health. It is a ‘demanding’ philosophy which is at the core of all emotional disturbances. If we did not hold on to rigid demands that things must only be a certain way, life would not be hard. It is perfectly okay to have desires and preferences of how you would like your life to be. It is only when these desires are escalated to ‘absolute must haves’ that they become a problem.

Perspective

If a person thinks that every moment of their life is a catastrophe instead of keeping things in perspective, they come down a lot harder on themselves. For instance, if I view every unpleasant situation as ‘awful’, or every disappointment as a ‘disaster’, I would find it untenable to continue to live. So taking the disappointments, inconveniences and discomforts of life into context is the next requirement for emotional health.

You need to accept your shortcomings and realize that neither you nor anyone else is perfect.

Objectivity

Most youth today have very low frustration tolerance and quickly label any discomfort or something that they don’t like as intolerable or unbearable. But we all survive so many discomforts and disappointments and live to tell the story. It’s when we do not realize our capabilities of handling difficulties and frustrations that we tend to engage in self-defeating self-talk. We begin to feel hopeless and resigned and start to behave in ways that are anti-life.

As a mental health professional I feel it is imperative that everyone understands that human beings can both construct and destroy. We have the ability to resolve problems as well as to self-sabotage, and therefore you must know that it is one’s conscious choice as to the kind of self-talk one chooses to engage in, because that is what determines how you face the many challenges life throws your way.

External factors and internal factors

There is often a debate about whether people become suicidal because of their circumstances, or because of internal factors [their psychological state or their genetic makeup]. The truth is that both factors play a role. Environmental factors like social isolation, poor family support, sudden loss or abusive relationships increase the risk of suicide. However, not everyone exposed to such situations wishes to die. Therefore internal factors clearly play a part. If one is genetically predisposed to depression, is clinically depressed, has high expectations from oneself, or has a tendency to suppress emotions, the risk of suicide definitely increases.

Bio-Psycho-Socio factors

When a person is identified as being at risk of self-harm, an intervention is needed to tackle both the internal and external factors, i.e. at a biological, psychological, and sociological.

Biological

A psychiatric assessment is required to give a person suffering from depression anti-depressant medication. This should be done by a psychiatrist in a hospital along with the support of a parent/partner/friend/volunteer at home. Resources like a suicide helpline, psychiatric emergency team and family doctor should be available on call to prevent a suicide attempt. Never leave the suicidal or depressed person alone and keep weapons and dangerous substances away.

Psychological

Teach the depressed individual the principles of flexibility, keeping things in perspective and objectivity to change their self-defeating self-talk, and help them to consciously choose pro-life beliefs irrespective of their circumstances.

Sociological

Help to negotiate changes in the environment e.g. relationship counseling in the case of poor family relationships or empowering them to get out of abusive relationships, cajoling the individual to create a support system by associating with a group of friends, a religious group, or any forum, and engaging in activities on a regular basis to reduce the social isolation.

In case of some kind of loss [whether the death of a loved one or the ending of a relationship, loss of reputation or finances, or a loss of a dream/life envisioned for oneself], facilitate the grieving process and then discuss the fact that there is life beyond that event, and encourage the individual to act against his/her withdrawal impulses.

How to Help a Friend Who is Feeling Suicidal

Coping with depression and suicidal thoughts is about remaining in the driver’s seat at all times, and not being a slave to your genes, your thoughts, or even your circumstances. Here are suggestions to follow if you have a depressed and/or suicidal friend:

• Communicate your concern about their emotional wellbeing
• Suggest professional help in the form of a psychiatrist [who would medicate if necessary] and a psychotherapist [who would help to reverse depressive thought patterns]
  • Fix an appointment for your friend and accompany them for the first few appointments
  • Talk to the family of the friend, expressing your concern and ask them to be involved in the process by monitoring the medication and therapy sessions
• Keep in touch with your suicidal friend; encourage and invite them to socialize with a few close friends so that isolation is prevented
• Encourage your friend to be involved in a creative pursuit, some fulfilling work or a social/religious group to keep them constructively occupied
• Help create a support system with a combination of family, friends, volunteers, and helpline numbers that the suicidal friend can turn to whenever they are feeling particularly down
• Listen to your suicidal friend patiently whenever they call and motivate them to remain engaged in therapy and to take the prescribed medication sincerely
• Help with accessing a psychiatric team or with hospitalization procedures if ever necessary in an emergency.

If you have dared to care for your depressed or suicidal friend, extended your help and support in all the ways mentioned above, then know that you have done your best.

And if, in spite of your best efforts, your friend decides to end it all, simply pray for them and make peace with the fact that we are ultimately responsible for all our own choices, and that no one can or should assume responsibility for others.

Real Case: How Rohan helped her suicidal friend

Seema was an ad-film director in a production house. She had a breakdown on the sets on more than one occasion. Her producer Rohan expressed his concern about her emotional wellbeing and told Seema to use him as a sounding board if she ever needed someone to talk to. Seema started sharing some of her troubles regularly while he listened with empathy. One night she called to say she thought she was having a heart attack. He rushed over and took her to a nearby hospital, but all medical investigations were normal, it was diagnosed as a panic attack.

These attacks started happening frequently and he would help to calm her over the phone, but kept insisting that she should urgently see a professional counselor to resolve the deeper issues that were troubling her. She refused and said she preferred to talk only to him. One day she called hysterically crying and said that she didn’t want to live any more and planned to end her life. He rushed to her home where she lived alone and found her in a very distraught state. She had overdosed on anti-histamine medication. He called an ambulance and took her to a hospital. Her stomach was pumped and he stayed with her overnight.

The hospital psychiatrist paid her a visit and asked her to take some anti-depressant medication; through all this drama Rohan stuck around. When she was discharged, Rohan insisted that she see a psychotherapist along with continuing to take the medication. So he made an appointment for her to see me and even accompanied her for the session. He came in first to brief me about her reluctance to visit me. We then had several sessions and he would continue to accompany her, sitting in the waiting room during the session. He called her mother in Pune and informed her about the gravity of the situation and suggested that she live with Seema for a while to ensure that she took the medication and also to ensure that she did not make another suicide attempt.

Soon the medication and therapy empowered Seema with better coping skills. Rohan now no longer accompanied her to the sessions with me but kept in touch via email to check whether she was keeping her appointments.

Rohan had correctly recognized the need for professional intervention and had stretched himself to ensure that she got the right kind of help and family support. He also recognized his own limitations, which could not go beyond being an empathic listener. His timely intervention averted a possible successful suicide attempt.

— Names have been changed to protect identities

Last updated on 17^th June 2020

The post How to Help a Friend Who is Feeling Suicidal appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

My friend lost a family member recently and shared with me that harder than dealing with her own grief was managing the well-intentioned, yet unhelpful and often inappropriate responses of others.

Reflecting on our conversation, I felt called to compile a list of helpful and unhelpful responses when confronted with the news that someone we know has experienced a loss.

How NOT to Respond to Someone’s Grief

1. Don’t ask what happened

The grieving person or family has probably already repeated the story of what happened dozens of times. Don’t ask what happened, how it happened, how it could have been avoided and indulge in a hundred other kinds of meaningless deliberations. This only stirs up their painful memories repeatedly and it is neither kind nor sensitive. If they want to share the story with you, they will do so on their own at the right time without your prodding.

2. Don’t say, “If there is anything I can do, don’t hesitate to ask”

This is the most common thing people said to my friend. She said it wasn’t helpful as it put the entire onus of figuring out what to do and who to ask on her, which further added to her sense of anxiety and feeling of being overwhelmed.

3. Don’t ask, “What are you going to do now?”

This question is entirely out of place for someone going through a grieving process. It reminds them of their uncertain future and forces them to confront practical considerations when the real priority is simply to stay present in the heart and allow the train of emotions to move through. Asking questions about what will happen next is actually intrusiveness disguised as care and compassion.

4. Don’t be completely absent / silent

Another inappropriate response is not showing up, not acknowledging when someone has lost a loved one because we feel we don’t know what we can possibly do or say that could be helpful. People do notice that you knew and never called, nor made any effort to connect. The idea that “I wanted to give them space” is no excuse to say or do nothing at all! While it is true that there is possibly nothing you can do to take away their pain entirely, your attentive presence itself can be soothing and quietly reassuring.

How to Respond Thoughtfully to Someone’s Grief

1. Listen and hold the space

Just be around. Be available. Sit with the grieving person and allow them to share whatever they wish to. Often they will have nothing much to say. Still just be there. Let wave after wave of emotion and tears come and go. Sometimes there is nothing but a kind of numbness. Hug or hold their hands as appropriate. Physical touch is incredibly healing. Pure listening without suggestions and advice is incredibly healing. Your undistracted presence is the greatest gift.

2. Share memories of the deceased

It is very meaningful for them to hear how their loved one touched your life in memorable and significant ways. It expands and enriches their narrative of how this life contributed to the larger tapestry of life as a whole. It reduces the sense their loved one died before their time or that everything is meaningless. They begin to realize that more important than the days in our life is the life in our days. Thinking of a person in terms of their qualities also enables us to look beyond the loss of their physical body. Bodies are temporary. Qualities are forever and live on through each of us.

3. Share how you dealt with your grief

If you have ever suffered loss then share your insights on how you dealt with it. Keep it real. Keep it practical. Share with empathy and without expecting that your experience will necessarily be the same as theirs.

Related » How to Deal With the Grief of Losing a Loved One

4. Do what you can

Instead of saying “Let me know if there is anything I can do for you?”, do what you can! Show up. Help out. Arrange food. Take phone calls. Lend your car. Make logistical decisions. Host visiting family or relatives. Allow the grieving person to “just be” as much as possible and take on as many of their responsibilities as you reasonably can. Actions speak louder than words.

I have used the words “lost” and “loss” many times in this article since that is what most people understand. However a more accurate word is “returned”—because they came into our lives from some place and have now returned to their original source. We cannot lose what is ours, we can only return what was borrowed. This subtle yet significant shift in understanding can enable us to do so with more grit and grace.

These are a few reflections from our conversation. Please share your own insights and observations.

The post How to Respond Thoughtfully to Someone’s Grief appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Lisa Cox

1 of 5

I had a modest, suburban upbringing in Australia. My mum, dad, sister, brother and I lived together until I graduated from university and moved away to work. I loved my new corporate job but desperately missed my old life with family and friends.

10 years ago, some really bad luck changed everything. I was 24 when a rare virus attacked my body and caused a brain haemorrhage. I spent the next year in hospital having over a dozen operations including the amputation of my left leg, all of my remaining toes and nine fingertips. In the coming years, I returned for more operations including a total hip replacement and open heart surgery.

Sure, I have lost a lot but I’ve never lost the love and support of my amazing family. Some of my former friends stopped coming by because they couldn’t handle what happened to me then and my subsequent disabilities. But the friendships I have now are stronger and genuine.

An accident that changed everything

For about two months, my family camped in the hospital while I was in a coma, on life support. Every cell in my body died; my family were told that they might have to turn off my life support.

It was traumatic for my family but they supported each other. As each new day dawned, they were grateful for the beeping sounds that came from the machines keeping me alive.

After coming out of the coma, I couldn’t do anything for myself. It was overwhelmingly frustrating, especially considering I had been so independent in the past. However, having my family and friends there made it easier. Their commitment to my wellbeing was unwavering and for that I am forever grateful. Here are just a few examples of the things they did to help me heal.

As each new day dawned, they were grateful for the beeping sounds that came from the machines keeping me alive

Re-training myself

I was fed through a tube for the first six months but eventually I learnt to eat ‘normal’ food again. However, it was many more months before I could use my hands, so my family would take turns feeding me, like an infant, until I could handle cutlery.

Their support didn’t end at meal times. During the day, dad would read books to me and take me outside in my wheelchair to see the sunshine.

After a full day at her demanding job, my sister would come up to the hospital in the evenings and sit with me while we watched one of my favourite shows.

It was approximately one year before I could pull my hair back in a ponytail after my fingertips were amputated, so my sister always did that for me too.

It’s the little things in life

The examples I’ve mentioned above may seem ‘small’ but that’s just the point I want to emphasise. If you’re helping someone through a difficult time (regardless of whether or not they are in hospital), you needn’t feel compelled to make overtly grandiose gestures of support. For me, it was all the little things that had the biggest impact (like Mum’s home cooking!). I had countless hours of physical rehabilitation with medical professionals. However, my mental wellbeing was well looked after by my loved ones.

Connection with family and friends is an integral part of wellbeing. You needn’t have a ‘perfect’ family unit [nobody does!] to reap the benefits of love and support that family and friends provide.

During the day, dad would read books to me and take me outside in my wheelchair to see the sunshine

If you’re helping someone through a tough time, here are some other things to consider.

• Be their cheerleader! My family always encouraged me to push myself and challenge the bleak outlook of medical professionals. Together, we celebrated the smallest accomplishments, like brushing my own teeth for the first time.
• Help them see the positives in a bad situation. In the hospital, I frequently received bad news about my health. My family helped me smile and see the lighter side of serious times.
• Walk the talk. If you want your loved one to be positive, you need to set the tone and do that yourself. My family and friends did their best to be positive around me and it helped lift my spirits, keeping me optimistic.

My life today

A couple of years ago, I married my best friend. It was a small ceremony attended by our closest family and friends.

Because I can take a few steps with assistance, I was determined to walk down the aisle. With my mum and dad each holding my arms for support, I shuffled and stumbled down the aisle towards my handsome groom. It was such a special and symbolic moment for me to share with my parents as they had supported me through so much in the past.

Since then my family has grown to include my husband’s relatives, some of who are Indian. Each year we all come together for Diwali and celebrate our blessings with family and friends.

There are many things that I was told I’d never do again; writing was one of them. But the continued support of my loved ones has helped me climb many a metaphorical mountain and pursue my passion for writing, including two books and now this article!

Indeed, the marvels of modern medicine kept my body alive while my family and friends kept my spirit alive—and still do today.

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After a traumatic experience, it’s normal to feel anxious, detached, frightened or depressed. In the immediate aftermath of a traumatic event, a person is either in a state of shock where they feel dazed and cut off from their surroundings, or in denial where they are unable to accept what has happened. I have always maintained that trauma takes time to heal, and it is best to recognise and accept this, as no matter what, the healing process should not be rushed. But if the painful memories constantly resurface, or the feeling of anxiety persists, it might be a symptom of post-traumatic stress disorder [PTSD].

How trauma affects relationships

There is no right or wrong way to feel and the best thing to do is not bottle up feelings. There is no shame, no embarrassment. It’s best to understand that the after-effects of trauma and post-traumatic stress disorder often include distressed relationships and estrangement. While it is true that experiencing trauma does lead to an intense desire for protectiveness and empathetic intimacy, it can also shake the feeling of trust and security which forms the basis of attachment. If you have a partner undergoing trauma, it can be very difficult watching them go through a post-traumatic response.

Suresh and Niharika had a seemingly functional marriage; they were connected despite not being very communicative. However, things took a turn when Niharika experienced a traumatic event: she was robbed. Suresh started noticing marked behavioural differences in her, from volatile outbursts to signs of depression and found it difficult to cope with her general irritability and angry outbursts directed at him. In turn, he started reacting negatively towards her as well, being unable to understand her trauma and being critical in response to her. Over a period of time, instead of being a source of comfort to one another, they found their marriage giving them both a lot of stress and tension, compounding Niharika’s spiral into depression as well.

Coping with a partner experiencing PTSD

It is difficult coping with PTSD because it affects many parts of a person’s life on a daily basis. Your partner may seem distracted and less focussed on work, leading to poor performance at work and a negative impact on their occupational functioning. Many people struggling with PTSD feel alienated and prefer to isolate themselves from other people. Those who previously enjoyed social gatherings prefer staying home, alone. If your partner feels anxious and distressed, it is bound to affect you and your relationship as well. Often activities which usually have a calming effect such as lovemaking or simple confiding in one another can feel like a source of threat, and in the worst case, even resurface trauma. Emotional availability also gets deeply strained because for the person going through distress, withdrawal is a natural tendency.

After suffering a stroke, Mihir had been left deeply traumatised. It was a difficult time for him as well as his spouse, Chitra. But she proved to be a pillar of strength to him by being a strong emotional support along with being there physically for him. She also helped him feel more in control by asking him to help her in different situations and not enabling his dependency.

A good marital relationship is always a key influence in the recovery process. So be accessible and responsive to your partner, because a supportive relationship can help survivors regulate negative feelings. If your partner can turn to you for solace, they will be less likely to indulge in self-harming activities. An environment of safety is therefore crucial for the wellbeing of a survivor, as it helps them be more receptive to healing experiences. Providing a sense of safety also helps build a strong bond between partners, which helps prevent re-traumatisation.

What you can do to help your partner

• Create a safe space. Trauma challenges a person’s sense of safety. Ask your partner what they need from you and the home environment to feel safe again. Be there for your partner when they turn to you in the event of a flashback or during any anxiety related symptoms.
• Be patient. Do not force your partner to talk, get over it or move on. Give them space and time. Even if you feel frustrated or helpless, remember your loving presence is more healing than trying to talk your partner out of their traumatic reaction.
• Give your partner autonomy. As opposed to popular belief, you do not need to baby your partner after a traumatic event. Give them independence if they desire it. If you have fears about your partner’s safety or feel vicarious traumatic stress, talk to a psychotherapist on how you can deal with secondary trauma.
• Focus on the present. Ask your partner, “How are you doing today?” as opposed to a more generic “How are you doing?” as this helps them focus on the present moment rather than do a global assessment of their life which can be difficult.
• Encourage counselling. Talk to your partner about seeking professional help and accompany them to appointments if required. But keep in mind that initially they might not be very open to it. At first, you might meet with resistance and reluctance. Nonetheless, it could prove to be effective not only for your marriage but also for your partner’s own personal growth.
• Inspire a healthy lifestyle. Encourage your partner to sleep, eat, and practise self-care. Meeting friends, pampering themselves, taking up a hobby does a world of good. You could even take up a class together, which will additionally help heal your relationship.
• Acceptance. There is no need to pretend that the trauma faced by your partner did not impact you. It’s okay to process the trauma together.

Remember to take care of yourself

Please do remember that your own welfare and safety is of great importance. More than anything else, you should take care of yourself so that you can help your partner.

• Be well-rested, eat nutritious food and take good care of your health as your physical wellbeing plays a key role in your emotional wellbeing as well. One of my clients, Vikram, helped his wife through cancer by joining her on detoxification retreats and meditation classes to give her support.
• Above all, don’t forget to do things that make you happy. It’s all right if you get involved in a hobby or some sport that will energise you, because you should always know that you don’t need to feel guilty for having fun. Care for your partner and be there for them, but also live your life in a positive way as this will also encourage your partner to live a life of hope and happiness. You can invite your partner along too and create a space where you both can engage in a fun activity together. My advice is usually to plan “dates” around activities your partner enjoys.
• Don’t hesitate in seeking help from a counsellor or support group if you are finding it difficult to remain positive.

This was first published in the September 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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If you find yourself checking and re-checking whether the front door is locked, sweeping and re-sweeping an already clean floor or if you have a strong urge to perform certain rituals repeatedly, then your obsession might be out of control.

Obsession out of hand

Take the case of Raju, a software engineer from Bangalore. He is scrupulous about hygiene. To make sure that his environment is clean, he uses a cleansing swipe each time he touches the elevator button, cleans his keyboard by rubbing alcohol and a micro-fibre cloth every hour, washes his hands every 30 minutes with antiseptic soap and vacuums his seat four times a day. He gets his car washed twice a day with an extra-deep cleaning wash on the weekends at the local car care centre. His parents tried in vain to talk him out of his fixation for hygiene. They thought marriage would change him and so got him married. His wife was shocked on their wedding night when he asked her to bathe thrice in hot water with antiseptic soap. He forced his wife to do the household chores with unrealistic hygiene standards. Predictably, four months into marriage she packed her bags and left.

On the professional front, one unfortunate day he ran out of swipes. In a fit of rage he flung his laptop out of his office window. Regrettably, Raju refuses to get help.

Types of OCD

Do you know someone like Raju? If so, this person might have an anxiety-based disorder called Obsessive Compulsive Disorder [OCD]. People suffering from OCD are preoccupied with a topic, an idea or even a person. ‘Obsessions’ are recurrent and persist in the form of thoughts, impulse, or images at various time intervals. These are triggered by inappropriate stimuli that cause heightened distress. These recurring thoughts, impulses or images are not simply excessive worries about real-life problems, and they will not just go away; besides, they are severe enough to debilitate someone. The person even recognises that these thoughts, impulses or images are a figment of their mind.

OCD can manifest at any age. It usually appears between the ages of eight to 12 or during late teens and early adulthood. The exact cause for OCD is not known.

The most common types of obsessions are:

• Fear of contamination: The worry is that something which is contaminated may cause illness and ultimately death to oneself or a loved one. Such people could brush their teeth excessively due to fear of leaving a minuscule amount of germs and therefore getting mouth disease; or they might clean their kitchen and bathroom repeatedly due to the fear of germs being spread to family.
• Fear of causing harm: The anxiety in this case is of carrying out violent acts against loved ones or others. Obsessive thoughts include violently harming children or loved ones using sharp objects like knives or causing self-harm by jumping in front of a train or a fast-moving bus. While these people might not display ritualistic behaviour, they repeatedly go through the day’s events to check if they have done something to cause harm.
• Excessive concern with symmetry: People with this obsessive fear do anything to ensure everything feels ‘just right’ to prevent discomfort. They have everything neat and in place at all times. For instance, they might have their canned food facing forward or have their clothes hanging in order of colour.
• Unwanted thoughts related to religious beliefs: These people believe that their sins will never be forgiven by God and they will go to hell. To avoid this, they touch or kiss religious objects repeatedly. They also fear becoming a paedophile or a homosexual.
• Excessive accumulation of generic things: Hoarders fear that something bad will happen if they throw anything away. They compulsively hoard things that they don’t need or use. They might, for example, collect woollen clothes and cartons.

How to treat OCD

Despite the perils of a disorder like obsession, help is available. With treatment and a good support system, you can break free of the unwanted thoughts and irrational urges and take back control of life. The following strategies can be used:

• Psychological intervention or psychotherapy
  Behaviour therapy has a lot to offer to individuals with this disorder. Systematic desensitisation techniques involve gradually exposing the patient to ever-increasing anxiety-provoking stimuli.
  Cognitive-behavioural therapy, which may have some effectiveness for people who suffer from OCD include saturation and thought-stopping. Through saturation, the patient is directed to do nothing but think of one obsessive thought, which worries them. After concentrating on this one thought for a number of days, the obsession can lose some of its strength. Through thought-stopping, the individual learns how to halt obsessive thoughts by identifying the thoughts and then averting it by doing an opposite, incompatible response.
• Medications
  Certain medication has proven to be effective in combating this disorder. However precaution must be taken to prevent an overdose.
• Social support
  Active participation by friends or family in the recovery of an OCD patient is essential. Family members and friends can help by ensuring that medication is taken at the appropriate time, attending follow-up sessions with the patient’s therapist to monitor progress and providing constant motivation at each stage.

Overcoming OCD

In another true story, Radha, a 35-year-old entrepreneur, married with seven-year-old twins was diagnosed with OCD. Prior to being diagnosed, she ran a thriving chain of designer boutiques. Unfortunately her personal and professional life was hanging by a thread.

Radha was obsessed with perfection. She wanted all the clothes in her boutique to be crease free and arranged symmetrically at all times. Employees had to be impeccably dressed and cash in the registers had to arranged denomination-wise. The display lights, carpets and windows had to be cleaned till they shone. She would fire employees instantly if they didn’t comply with her norms. At home, her kids were petrified of her. She would beat them up mercilessly if they left their toys strewn on the floor. She expected them to arrange their school books according to colour or height. She would even hit her husband if he didn’t place his shoes, laptop, clothes and other items in their allocated places.

As things started to get worse, her husband, with the help of her parents, arranged for her to visit a clinical psychologist. But with a lot of support from her family, she met a psychiatrist and a psychologist. Her psychiatrist started her on medication. Her family asked her employees to monitor whether she was taking her medications on time and also requested them to act normal and not to treat her as an ill person. Her siblings made sure she went for her psychotherapy sessions. Her friends would speak to her every week to motivate her on her progress. In a couple of months she began to change; the change was gradual but positive.

Today, Radha is back to being the loving wife, doting mother, happy employer and OCD-free person that she used to be.

All of us have a few harmless obsessions. It’s only when these spin beyond our control and get into endless loops of behaviours that it can be labelled as OCD. Anyone can get OCD irrespective of age, gender, education or socio-economic status.

People who have OCD are suffering and need to be encouraged to seek professional help so that their obsession can be brought under control.

This was first published in the March 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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