Over the years, Meera’s husband Gaurav, who claims to love her and worry about her, has slowly, insidiously, chipped away at her self-belief, her confidence, and her faith in herself to a point where she is constantly second-guessing herself. Gaurav’s behaviour, in simple terms, is called gaslighting. When someone close to us subtly and systematically breaks down the walls of our self-esteem, strips us bare of our sense of who we are, we are being gaslighted.

What is gaslighting?

To explain it more comprehensively, gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse, such that someone close to the victim makes them question their intelligence, their judgement, their decisions, and their sanity! It comes to a point where the victim starts believing that they are really going crazy, or are really incapable of making sensible decisions.

The term ‘gaslighting’ has become popular today; however, it is an age-old phenomenon that has been around since relationships began. Usually, the person who gaslights is someone who is close to the victim – a spouse, a parent, a boss, or a leader. Gaslighting is most commonly seen in couples, where one partner—the one who has more power in the relationship dynamic—gradually starts eroding the power of the partner more and more.

Gaslighting can take many forms and can have a variety of effects on the victims. However, there are some commonly seen indicators that can help you evaluate whether you are indeed being victimised. Let us look at some of these:

7 signs you are a victim of gaslighting

1. Loss of confidence

Very slowly, over a period of time, you start losing all the confidence that you have in yourself, until you reach a point where you don’t feel confident at all.

2. Extreme self-doubt

What begins as little niggles and tiny questions, blooms into a huge cloud of self-doubt that settles firmly onto you. You start doubting yourself in all things big and small.

3. Self-blame

You end up blaming yourself for everything that goes wrong in the relationship, and in your life. Whenever something goes wrong, you automatically think that it’s your fault.

4. Difficulty making decisions

Because you no longer have confidence in yourself, you find it difficult to make even the most banal of decisions, further perpetuating the downward cycle.

5. Anxiety and/or depression

You experience feelings of sadness, loss of hope, nervousness and extreme panic; these could nudge you into clinical depression or anxiety.

6. Walking on eggshells around the perpetrator

Be it your partner or parent, you start feeling nervous whenever the perpetrator is around and anxious in their absence. You feel the compulsion to be on your guard at all times.

7. Increased feeling of isolation

Eventually, you start withdrawing, not just from the perpetrator, but from other family members and friends as well.

How does gaslighting work?

Siya was a highly successful HR professional doing great on the corporate ladder. Her relationship with her husband Arjun was conflicted and mixed up. Arjun, himself a highly successful IT manager, was soft spoken, gentle and affectionate; Siya had always been the more proactive and outspoken person in the relationship. Over a period of time, Arjun was made to feel responsible for every fight they had, he was made to feel insensitive and uncaring of Siya’s emotions, and over-sensitive of his own feelings. His sensitivity was ridiculed, his softness made out to be weakness of character. In essence, he felt his entire life so far had been a failure, as Siya pointed out to him at every opportunity.

As I mentioned above, gaslighting is a slow and often insidious process, and by the time you realise what is happening, you have been completely sucked into the whirlpool of self-doubt, self-blame, and loss of confidence.

How does this happen? How is it that an otherwise confident, positive, and successful person falls into this trap of being gaslighted? Well, this is how! Since the person gaslighting is someone with whom the victim is in a close, trusted relationship, by default one tends to believe that if a person is saying something, it must be true. You try to look at yourself, introspect, wonder and question your own thoughts and actions. Over time, you find yourself in a vicious cycle of being questioned and blamed, getting into a self-questioning mode, and accepting the feedback the perpetrator is giving!

Common gaslighting techniques employed by perpetrators

Gaslighters have many tools in their tool-kit, the most common among which are:

1. Ridiculing your thoughts

If Meera planned a particular menu for guests at home, Gaurav would pan it and rant about how inappropriate it had been.
They make fun of your valid ideas and opinions and make you think that you know nothing. Everything you say is laughed at, dismissed, or simply ignored.

2. Trivialising your feelings

If Arjun felt upset by Siya’s aggressive behaviour, she would completely invalidate his feelings and tell him he was just being over-sensitive as usual.
Gaslighters trivialise and invalidate your feelings and emotions, often telling you that you are too sensitive, too emotional, too crazy, too stupid. Your genuine reactions are termed as over-reactions.

3. Blame shifting

Every time Siya loses her temper and goes into a fit of rage, she blames Arjun for his stupidity and insensitivity that made her lose her temper.
In the eyes of the gaslighter, everything is your fault. They are adept at making sure that the blame lies on you for whatever goes wrong. You are not careful enough, smart enough, intelligent enough, caring enough… the list is endless.

4. Lying

Whenever Meera asked Gaurav why he called her names, he would outright deny that he did so.
Gaslighters can lie as easily as they can breathe, without batting an eyelid or skipping a heartbeat. They will lie to you blatantly, to ensure that their version and your version of the events don’t match, to a point where you start questioning your version. Even in the face of irrefutable proof, they will continue to lie.

5. Hitting below the belt

The moment Arjun called out her lie, Siya pointed out how he had failed at achieving his financial goals so far, hinting, not-so-subtly, at what a failure he was.
They are masters of emotional blackmail, and saying things at a time and in a way that simply becomes your undoing. Each time, every time.

6. Tireless aggression

Whenever Meera tried to explain her rationale for any decision, Gaurav would keep pointing out why he thought it was a wrong decision and no amount of explanation or reasoning would be enough to convince him.
They are capable of wearing you down with their zealous efforts to prove how wrong you are. They argue and argue till you reach a stage where it is simply easier to give up and agree to what they are saying.

7. Repeatedly telling you that you are Insane

When nothing else worked, Siya’s standard phrase for Arjun was, “You’re losing your marbles.”
This is the finest and most effective tool in their kitty. Words like “You have lost your mind”, “You’re going crazy”, “You have lost it”, said repeatedly, over a period of time, eventually makes you question your own sanity. Many professionals call this as the gaslighter’s master technique.

Whatever the techniques or methods a perpetrator uses, the fact remains that you end up being gaslighted. What should you do in such a situation?

9 steps to deal with gaslighting

Extricating yourself out of a gaslighting relationship can be challenging, it is like being stuck in quicksand – the more you try to fight your way out, the more you feel yourself getting deeply stuck. Yet, extricate yourself you must! Because it has a huge impact on your mental health and your sense of self, you will need to take action and move yourself out of this power equation with the gaslighter. Few ways you can do this are:

1. Acknowledge the truth

One reason why victims remain in this manipulative equation is because they truly care for the person, and find it hard to believe that he or she could actually be gaslighting. At times, the gaslighter may not even be aware of the impact their actions have on the victim. However, if you have noticed yourself being stuck in a relationship where you are being gaslighted, chances are that you have been taking the abuse for long. Painful as it surely is, you need to acknowledge that this relationship and this person, is actually playing with your sanity. Once you accept the reality, you will then realise the harm it is doing to you, and will be in a position to figure out how to deal with what is happening.

2. Keep track of facts

Make a habit of keeping a record of conversations, words and actions where you feel you might be questioned by the gaslighter. You could keep lists, memos, an excel sheet, use notes on your mobile, or even simply record voice notes. These are more to remind yourself of the facts than to prove them to anyone else. Whenever you find yourself being pushed in a situation where you start questioning yourself, go back to your notes to remind yourself of the facts.

3. Don’t allow the perpetrator to wear you down

Stop yourself from giving explanations. State the facts as they appear to you, and exit the conversation, no matter how much he or she tries to prove you wrong. Don’t get into a situation where you have to defend yourself.

4. Learn to validate your own feelings

This is a hard one, since usually, gaslighting strips us of our self-belief. However, try your best to validate your feelings; allow yourself to feel all that you feel, without belittling your emotional experience. You are entitled to all your feelings and emotions, and that does not make you oversensitive or weak.

5. Be mindful of your self-talk

Over time, you have probably become excessively self-critical. Tune in to your inner dialogue, and ensure that you start giving yourself a larger rope. Don’t let the gaslighter’s voice get internalised; find your own inner voice, and start affirming to yourself that you are a capable, confident person who knows what you are doing.

6. Stop apologising

You don’t need to apologise all the time for real or imagined errors or mistakes that you have made. Do what needs to be done, and if you are being blamed for anything, keep calm and make sure you don’t automatically adopt an apologetic stance.

7. Talk to someone

Be it a parent, a best friend, or a trusted colleague – it is important that when you first start realising that you are being gaslighted, you talk to someone you trust. It is important to vent all that you have bottled up, and usually, talking about it also helps make what is happening real and makes it easier for you to acknowledge and accept what is happening.

8. Have compassion for yourself

If you are a victim of gaslighting, chances are, you no longer like yourself, you no longer think you are a capable, efficient person. The first thing you need to do is love and accept yourself. Yes, self-love and self-care are oft-talked-about phrases; yet, their importance cannot be undermined. You have gone without care and compassion for a long time, it’s important that you start being a little kind to yourself. [Read 4 wonderfully simple ways to cultivate unconditional self-love]

9. Seek professional help

Gaslighting can hurt your mental health. Not only does it erode your self-esteem and confidence and make you emotionally vulnerable, it can also lead to deeper problems like depression and anxiety. Hence, seeking the help of a mental health professional is very important.

The first step

Knowing that you are being gaslighted can be painful, because you are invested in the relationship, you care for the person, and often want the relationship to work. Very likely, the gaslighter cares for you too, in their own way; however, they clearly are caught up in a manipulative, exploitative dynamic.

A lot of research has gone on to show that gasighters usually tend to suffer from narcissistic personality disorder. They need help too. At a certain point, if you, or someone close to you both, can convince the person to seek help too, there is hope for the relationship to get better. However, the first step is to help yourself. The first step is to step out of the whirlpool, ensure your own emotional and psychological safety and build your inner strength and confidence.

The post 7 Signs of Gaslighting + 9 Steps to Deal With It appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Often, the initial response to working from home is relief, perhaps due to the novelty of the situation and other benefits such as relief from long commute times, minimal contact with toxic co-workers, and not having a boss looking over your shoulder at all times. However, after a few weeks or months, people begin to feel the negative effects of isolation, which only tends to worsen over time. This is what most people around the world are now facing.

Increasing cases of mental health deterioration

As per a study undertaken by the Indian Psychiatry Society, the number of mental illness cases in India increased by 20% within a week of commencement of the first lockdown. A few months later, the number of mental health issues reported began to accelerate. Experts attributed this rise in a parallel mental health pandemic, in large part, to woes of working from home. This fallout of working from home is a global trend.

A report published in April 2020, by Blind, a US-based professional network group, states that 52.9% of survey participants across organisations like Facebook, Apple, Walmart, and LinkedIn among others were suffering from loneliness due to working from home and social distancing.

The challenges of working from home

Stress begins to surge once the uniqueness of working from home wears off and its challenges rear their ugly head, leaving people in disbelief. While working from home has its share of advantages, it can create its own unique set of stressors. Here are a few of the common stress-producing challenges that those working from home face.

1. Muddling up of personal and professional life

Professional interactions, adherence to rules and policies as well as structure and organisation are the norm at workplace. Home, on the other hand, is synonymous with relaxation, unwinding and personal/family time. Home is a cosy environment where you enjoy home-cooked meals, read a book or simply play with your kids. When you enter your home, you are supposed to leave the rigidity of your workplace and the woes of your work outside. But working from home tends to dissolve the clear boundary that exists between workspace and personal space. As a result, you begin to feel like you’re never off the job.

2. Too many distractions

The dynamics of a home are different than those of a workplace. There are often children at home, retired parents and sometimes even a non-working spouse. For no fault of theirs, housemates find it difficult to respect the sanctity of work hours and end up causing distractions, even if unintentionally — after all they are at home, which has suddenly turned into an office for you. Plus, there are doorbells, quick personal phone calls, pets, sounds of TV, snacking or lunch with family — you get the drift. What most people don’t realise is that even minor distractions can disturb the flow of work, from which one takes time to recover. The result is poor efficiency and lower productivity.

3. No sense of timing

When working from home, work tends to stretch beyond the stipulated work hours. Employees are often expected to finish work assignments or get on calls at odd hours, including holidays, late nights, and weekends.

4. Communication woes

Not being in physical presence of your colleagues can make it difficult to communicate regarding work related matters, causing potential mishaps and adding to the stress of working from home.

5. Lack of social connections

Being around people and colleagues you can talk to about work-related issues helps release the pent-up steam of stress — a vent that is unavailable to those working from home. It is worse for those who live alone. Isolation might feel blissful at the start, but it can soon transform into full-blown depression arising out of a feeling of being disconnected from the world.

6. Physical and mental strains

Virtual meetings, long phone calls and sitting continuously put tremendous strain on your physical and mental health. Computer vision syndrome, carpal tunnel syndrome, back pain and other issues are common for those who are constantly working in a virtual environment.

While this is not an exhaustive list of issues that those working from home face, it gives you an idea how and why it can be so stressful. Let’s now see how we can deal with these challenges and keep stress and anxiety to the minimum. Here is a list of 11 ways that will make working form home less stressful and more productive.

11 ways to beat the stress of working from home

1. Plan and schedule

A key trigger of stress at work, or home, is poor productivity, which is usually the result of lack of planning and absence of a proper schedule. So, start your day by writing a to-do list and strike each activity after its completion. The very acts of planning your work and listing your tasks are in themselves empowering. You will feel in control and be able to resist getting distracted and therefore improve your overall focus. You might want to use productivity apps to help your efforts. [Read Sack Your Workload to learn how clearing, focussing, structuring, and action can help you increase productivity at work]

2. Create work protocols at home

Just because you are at home doesn’t mean you are not doing serious work. If your folks at home tend to take you and your work lightly just because you’re at home, sit them down and help them understand the importance of respecting workspace. Set work-related ground rules and protocols that everyone, including you, will respect during work hours. For instance, personal phone calls should be off-limits—unless there is an emergency.

3. Treat your workspace as sacred

Give your workspace the respect it deserves. For instance, keep your desk neat and avoid leaving personal stuff there. If possible, resist the temptation of using your desk for anything other than work. Doing so will create a mental boundary to keep personal and work-related issues from becoming intertwined.

4. Schedule regular breaks

Working at a stretch can, in the long run, cause undue strain on your physical and mental health and the situation worsens in a virtual work environment. In a formal work setup, there are specific times allotted for a long lunch break and short tea time breaks etc. Continue to follow the same schedule and insist that your colleagues follow them too. Breaks are important to avoid problems like eye fatigue and brain fog, which can affect productivity and efficiency, besides adding to stress and anxiety. [Read The hidden and obvious dangers of sitting too long]

5. Ask for help

When working from home, there is a tendency to take on more than you can chew, which often becomes a source of tremendous stress. Whenever you feel overburdened, reach out to a colleague, or even your boss. Seeking help is not a sign of weakness. It is an acknowledgement that you are human and have limits — just like everyone else.

6. Step out of your home

Working from home doesn’t mean you stay glued to your chair or sofa all day. Stepping out of your home is necessary for your mental and physical fitness. Assuming lockdown rules in your region allow it, make it a point to get outdoors at least once a day. If possible, take a quick stroll during one of your break times to get some sunlight and outdoor vibes. Later in the evening, go for a walk or just run some errands.

7. List the tasks you complete

Being home all day might make you feel that you’re not doing enough and may therefore experience a sense of guilt, inadequacy or overwhelm. One way to deal with such feelings is to list down all the small and big tasks you have completed at the end of the day. Making an accomplishment list every night builds your motivation and confidence, besides keeping feelings of overwhelm and guilt at bay.

8. Be mindful of your posture

Your posture makes a huge difference to not just your health but also the quality of your work. Always sit upright with your back arched. Invest in an ergonomic chair; if that is not possible, at least put a firm cushion on the back of the chair to support your lower back. [Read Why good posture matters]

9. Spare time to relax

Spare time for some form of stress busting activity – meditation, family time, workout, dance, or art – the idea is to eliminate the stream of muddled thoughts that fill your mind. Regular practice of meditation and mindfulness can produce a deep state of relaxation as well as a tranquil mind.

10. Take days off for sickness and leisure

There will be times when you feel unwell. On such days, don’t hesitate to avail of sick leave like you would’ve done had you been working from an office. You might think it’s OK to work as long as you are physically rested. But when you are sick, you need to rest and recuperate both mentally and physically. So do take time off for full recovery. Also, don’t forget to go on leisure vacations from time to time, for the sake of preserving your mental and emotional health.

11. Go easy on yourself

Finally, there will be days when you’re not going to be as productive at home as you are at the workplace – at least till you become used to it. So, calibrate your expectations accordingly and don’t be too hard on yourself when you fall behind on occasion. Resolve to learn from the experience so that you become better at juggling the responsibilities. Likewise, don’t forget to pat yourself when you do well.

The post 11 ways to beat the stress of working from home appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

In this incredibly competitive society of ours, how many of us truly feel good about ourselves? It seems such a fleeting thing—feeling good—especially as we need to feel special and above average to feel worthy. Anything less seems like a failure. I remember once as a freshman in college, after spending hours getting ready for a big party, I complained to my boyfriend that my hair, makeup, and outfit were woefully inadequate. He tried to reassure me by saying, “Don’t worry, you look fine.”

“Fine? Oh great, I always wanted to look fine…”

The desire to feel special is understandable. The problem is that, by definition, it’s impossible for everyone to be above average at the same time. Although there are some ways in which we excel, there is always someone smarter, prettier, more successful. How do we cope with this? Not very well. To see ourselves positively, we tend to inflate our own egos and put others down so that we can feel good in comparison. But this strategy comes at a price—it holds us back from reaching our full potential in life.

Distorting Mirrors

If I have to feel better than you to feel good about myself, then how clearly am I really going to see you, or myself for that matter? Let’s say I had a stressful day at work and am grumpy and irritable with my husband when he gets home later that evening [purely hypothetical, of course]. If I’m highly invested in having a positive self-image and don’t want to risk viewing myself in a negative light, I’m going to slant my interpretation of what transpires to make sure that any friction between us is seen as my husband’s fault, not my own.

“Good, you’re home. Did you pick up the groceries?”

“I just walked though the door, how about ‘Nice to see you, dear, how was your day?’ ”

“Well, if you weren’t so forgetful, maybe I wouldn’t have to always hound you.”

“As a matter of fact, I did pick up the groceries.”

“Oh . . . Well, um . . . It’s the exception that proves the rule. I wish you weren’t so unreliable.”

Not exactly a recipe for happiness.

Why is it so hard to admit when we step out of line, are rude, or act impatient? Because our ego feels so much better when we project our flaws and shortcomings on to someone else. It’s your fault, not mine. Just think about all the arguments and fights that grow out of this simple dynamic. Each person blames the other for saying or doing something wrong, justifying their own actions as if their life depended on it, while both know, in their heart of hearts, that it takes two to tango. How much time do we waste like this? Wouldn’t it be so much better if we could just confess and play fair?

But change is easier said than done. It’s almost impossible to notice those aspects of ourselves that cause problems relating to others, or that keep us from reaching our full potential, if we can’t see ourselves clearly. How can we grow if we don’t acknowledge our own weaknesses? We might temporarily feel better about ourselves by ignoring our flaws, or by believing our issues and difficulties are somebody else’s fault, but in the long run we only harm ourselves by getting stuck in endless cycles of stagnation and conflict.

The Costs of Self-Judgement

Continually feeding our need for positive self-evaluation is a bit like stuffing ourselves with candy. We get a brief sugar high, then a crash. And right after the crash comes a pendulum swing to despair as we realize that, however much we’d like to, we can’t always blame our problems on someone else. We can’t always feel special and above average. The result is often devastating. We look in the mirror and don’t like what we see [both literally and figuratively], and the shame starts to set in. Most of us are incredibly hard on ourselves when we finally admit some flaw or shortcoming. I’m not good enough. I’m worthless. It’s not surprising that we hide the truth from ourselves when honesty is met with such harsh condemnation.

In areas where it is hard to fool ourselves—when comparing our weight to those of magazine models, for instance, or our bank accounts to those of the rich and successful—we cause ourselves incredible amounts of emotional pain. We lose faith in ourselves, start doubting our potential, and become hopeless. Of course, this sorry state just yields more self-condemnation for being such a do-nothing loser, and down, down we go. Even if we do manage to get our act together, the goalposts for what counts as “good enough” always seem to remain frustratingly out of reach. We must be smart and fit and fashionable and interesting and successful and sexy. Oh, and spiritual, too. And no matter how well we do, someone else always seems to be doing it better. The result of this line of thinking is sobering: millions of people need to take pharmaceuticals every day just to cope with daily life. Insecurity, anxiety, and depression are incredibly common in our society, and much of this is due to self-judgements and beating ourselves up when we feel we aren’t winning in the game of life.

Self-Criticism Never Works

So what’s the answer? To stop judging and evaluating ourselves altogether. To stop trying to label ourselves as “good” or “bad” and simply accept ourselves with an open heart. To treat ourselves with the same kindness, caring, and compassion we would show to a good friend, or even a stranger for that matter. Sadly, however, there’s almost no one whom we treat as badly as ourselves.

When I first came across the idea of self-compassion, it changed my life almost immediately. It was during my last year in the Human Development doctoral program at the University of California at Berkeley, as I was putting the finishing touches on my dissertation. I was going through a really difficult time following the breakup of my first marriage, and I was full of shame and self-loathing. I thought signing up for meditation classes at a local Buddhist center might help. I had been interested in Eastern spirituality from the time I was a small child, having been raised by an open-minded mother just outside of Los Angeles. But I had never taken meditation seriously. I had also never examined Buddhist philosophy, as my exposure to Eastern thought had been more along California New Age lines. As part of my exploration, I read Sharon Salzberg’s classic book Lovingkindness and was never the same again.

I had known that Buddhists talk a lot about the importance of compassion, but I had never considered that having compassion for yourself might be as important as having compassion for others. From the Buddhist point of view, you have to care about yourself before you can really care about other people. If you are continually judging and criticizing yourself while trying to be kind to others, you are drawing artificial boundaries and distinctions that only lead to feelings of separation and isolation. This is the opposite of oneness, interconnection, and universal love—the ultimate goal of most spiritual paths, no matter which tradition.

I remember talking to my new fiancé, Rupert, who joined me for the weekly Buddhist group meetings, and shaking my head in amazement. “You mean you’re actually allowed to be nice to yourself, to have compassion for yourself when you mess up or are going through a really hard time? I don’t know… If I’m too self-compassionate, won’t I just be lazy and selfish?”

It took me a while to get my head around it. But I slowly came to realize that self-criticism, despite being socially sanctioned, was not at all helpful, and in fact only made things worse.

I wasn’t making myself a better person by beating myself up all the time. Instead, I was causing myself to feel inadequate and insecure, then taking out my frustration on the people closest to me. More than that, I wasn’t owning up to many things because I was so afraid of the self-hate that would follow if I admitted the truth.

What Rupert and I both came to learn was that instead of relying on our relationship to meet all our needs for love, acceptance, and security, we could actually provide some of these feelings for ourselves. And this would mean that we had even more in our hearts to give to each other. We were both so moved by the concept of self-compassion that in our marriage ceremony later that year, each of us ended our vows by saying “Most of all, I promise to help you have compassion for yourself, so that you can thrive and be happy.”

After getting my PhD, I did two years of postdoctoral training with a leading self-esteem researcher. I wanted to know more about how people determine their sense of self-worth. I quickly learned that the field of psychology was falling out of love with self-esteem as the ultimate marker of positive mental health. Although thousands of articles had been written on the importance of self-esteem, researchers were now starting to point out all the traps that people can fall into when they try to get and keep a sense of high self-esteem: narcissism, self-absorption, self-righteous anger, prejudice, discrimination, and so on. I realized that self-compassion was the perfect alternative to the relentless pursuit of self-esteem. Why? Because it offers the same protection against harsh self-criticism as self-esteem, but without the need to see ourselves as perfect or as better than others. In other words, self-compassion provides the same benefits as high self-esteem without its drawbacks.

When I got a job as an assistant professor at the University of Texas at Austin, I decided that as soon as I got settled I would conduct research on self-compassion. Although no one had yet defined self-compassion from an academic perspective—let alone done any research on it—I knew that this would be my life’s work.

So what is self-compassion? What does it mean exactly? I usually find that the best way to describe self-compassion is to start with a more familiar experience—compassion for others. After all, compassion is the same whether we direct it to ourselves or to other people.

Compassion for Others

Imagine you’re stuck in traffic on the way to work, and a homeless man tries to get you to pay him a buck for washing your car windows. “He’s so pushy!” you think to yourself, “He’ll make me miss the flight and be late. He probably just wants the money for booze or drugs anyway. Maybe if I ignore him, he’ll just leave me alone.” But he doesn’t ignore you, and you sit there hating him while he washes your window, feeling guilty if you don’t toss him some money and resentful if you do. Then one day, you’re struck as if by lightning. There you are in the same commuter traffic, at the same light, at the same time, and there’s the homeless man, with his bucket and squeegee as usual. Yet for some unknown reason, today you see him differently. You see him as a person rather than just a mere annoyance. You notice his suffering. How does he survive? Most people just shoo him away. He’s out here in the traffic and fumes all day and certainly isn’t earning much. At least he’s trying to offer something in return for the cash. It must be really tough to have people be so irritated with you all the time. I wonder what his story is? How did he end up on the streets? The moment you see the man as an actual human being who is suffering, your heart connects with him. Instead of ignoring him, you find—to your amazement—that you’re taking a moment to think about how difficult his life is. You are moved by his pain and feel the urge to help him in some way. Importantly, if what you feel is true compassion rather than mere pity, you say to yourself, “There, but for the grace of God, go I. If I’d been born in different circumstances, or maybe had just been unlucky, I might also be struggling to survive like that. We’re all vulnerable.”

Of course, that might be the moment when you harden your heart completely—your own fear of ending up on the street causing you to dehumanize this horrid heap of rags and beard. Many people do. But it doesn’t make them happy; it doesn’t help them deal with the stresses of their work, their spouse, or their child when they get home. It doesn’t help them face their own fears. If anything, this hardening of the heart, which involves feeling better than the homeless man, just makes the whole thing a little bit worse.

But let’s say you don’t close up. Let’s say you really do experience compassion for the homeless man’s misfortune. How does it feel? Actually, it feels pretty good. It’s wonderful when your heart opens—you immediately feel more connected, alive, present.

Now, let’s say the man wasn’t trying to wash windows in return for some cash. Maybe he was just begging for money to buy alcohol or drugs—should you still feel compassion for him? Yes. You don’t have to invite him home. You don’t even have to give him a buck. You may decide to give him a kind smile or a sandwich rather than money if you feel that’s the more responsible thing to do. But yes, he is still worthy of compassion—all of us are.

Compassion is not only relevant to those who are blameless victims, but also to those whose suffering stems from failures, personal weakness, or bad decisions—you know, the kind you and I make every day. Compassion, then, involves the recognition and clear seeing of suffering. It also involves feelings of kindness for people who are suffering, so that the desire to help—to ameliorate suffering—emerges. Finally, compassion involves recognizing our shared human condition, flawed and fragile as it is.

Compassion for Ourselves

Self-compassion, by definition, involves the same qualities. First, it requires that we stop to recognize our own suffering. We can’t be moved by our own pain if we don’t even acknowledge that it exists in the first place. Of course, sometimes the fact that we’re in pain is blindingly obvious and we can think of nothing else. More often than you might think, however, we don’t recognize when we are suffering. Much of western culture has a strong “stiff-upper-lip” tradition. We are taught that we shouldn’t complain, that we should just carry on [to be read in a clipped British accent while giving a smart salute]. If we’re in a difficult or stressful situation, we rarely take the time to step back and recognise how hard it is for us in the moment.

And when our pain comes from self-judgement—if you’re angry at yourself for mistreating someone, or for making some stupid remark at a party—it’s even harder to see these as moments of suffering. Like the time I asked a friend I hadn’t seen in a while, eyeing the bump of her belly, “Are we expecting?” “Er, no,” she answered, “I’ve just put on some weight lately.” “Oh . . .” I said as my face turned beet red. We typically don’t recognise such moments as a type of pain that is worthy of a compassionate response. After all, I messed up, doesn’t that mean I should be punished? Well, do you punish your friends or your family when they mess up? Okay, maybe sometimes a little, but do you feel good about it?

Everybody makes mistakes at one time or another, it’s a fact of life. And if you think about it, why should you expect anything different? Where is that written contract you signed before birth promising that you’d be perfect, that you’d never fail, and that your life would go absolutely the way you want it to? Uh, excuse me. There must be some error. I signed up for the “everything will go swimmingly until the day I die” plan. Can I speak to the management, please? It’s absurd, and yet most of us act as if something has gone terribly awry when we fall down or life takes an unwanted or unexpected turn.

One of the downsides of living in a culture that stresses the ethic of independence and individual achievement is that if we don’t continually reach our ideal goals, we feel that we only have ourselves to blame. And if we’re at fault, that means we don’t deserve compassion, right? The truth is, everyone is worthy of compassion. The very fact that we are conscious human beings experiencing life on the planet means that we are intrinsically valuable and deserving of care. According to the Dalai Lama, “Human beings by nature want happiness and do not want suffering. With that feeling everyone tries to achieve happiness and tries to get rid of suffering, and everyone has the basic right to do this… Basically, from the viewpoint of real human value we are all the same.”

We don’t have to earn the right to compassion; it is our birthright. We are human, and our ability to think and feel, combined with our desire to be happy rather than to suffer, warrants compassion for its own sake. Many people are resistant to the idea of self-compassion, however. Isn’t it really just a form of self-pity? Or a dressed-up word for self-indulgence? These assumptions are false and run directly counter to the actual meaning of self-compassion. Self-compassion involves wanting health and wellbeing for oneself and leads to proactive behavior to better one’s situation, rather than passivity. And self-compassion doesn’t mean that I think my problems are more important than yours—it just means I think that my problems are also important and worthy of being attended to. Rather than condemning yourself for your mistakes and failures, therefore, you can use the experience of suffering to soften your heart. You can let go of those unrealistic expectations of perfection that make you so dissatisfied, and open the door to real and lasting satisfaction. All by giving yourself the compassion you need in the moment.

The research that my colleagues and I have conducted over the past decade shows that self-compassion is a powerful way to achieve emotional wellbeing and contentment in our lives. By giving ourselves unconditional kindness and comfort while embracing the human experience, difficult as it is, we avoid destructive patterns of fear, negativity, and isolation. At the same time, self-compassion fosters positive mind-states such as happiness and optimism. The nurturing quality of self-compassion allows us to flourish, to appreciate the beauty and richness of life, even in hard times. When we soothe our agitated minds with self-compassion, we’re better able to notice what’s right as well as what’s wrong, so that we can orient ourselves toward that which gives us joy.

Self-compassion provides an island of calm, a refuge from the stormy seas of endless positive and negative self-judgement, so that we can finally stop asking, “Am I as good as they are? Am I good enough?” Right here at our fingertips we have the means to provide ourselves with the warm, supportive care we deeply yearn for. By tapping into our inner wellsprings of kindness, acknowledging the shared nature of our imperfect human condition, we can start to feel more secure, accepted, and alive.

In many ways self-compassion is like magic, because it has the power to transform suffering into joy. In her book Emotional Alchemy: How the Mind Can Heal the Heart, Tara Bennett-Goleman uses the metaphor of alchemy to symbolize the spiritual and emotional transformation that’s possible when we embrace our pain with caring concern. When we give ourselves compassion, the tight knot of negative self-judgement starts to dissolve, replaced by a feeling of peaceful, connected acceptance—a sparkling diamond that emerges from the coal.

If you feel that you lack sufficient self-compassion, check in with yourself—are you criticizing yourself for this, too? If so, stop right there. Try to feel compassion for how difficult it is to be an imperfect human being in this extremely competitive society of ours. Our culture does not emphasize self-compassion, quite the opposite. We’re told that no matter how hard we try, our best just isn’t good enough. It’s time for something different. We can all benefit by learning to be more self-compassionate, and now is the perfect time to start.

You can determine your precise level of self-compassion using the self-compassion scale I developed for my research. Go to my website—www.self-compassion.org—and click on the “How Self-Compassionate Are You?” link. After filling out a series of questions, your level of self-compassion will be calculated for you. You may want to record your score and take the test again after reading my book, to determine if you’ve increased your level of self-compassion with practice. You can’t always have high self-esteem and your life will continue to be flawed and imperfect—but self-compassion will always be there, waiting for you, a safe haven. In good times and bad, whether you’re on top of the world or at the bottom of the heap, self-compassion will keep you going, helping you move to a better place. It does take work to break the self-criticizing habits of a lifetime, but at the end of the day, you are only being asked to relax, allow life to be as it is, and open your heart to yourself. It’s easier than you might think, and it could change your life.

The post The High Cost of Beating Yourself Up Habitually appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Those who swear by the benefits of being self-critical often don’t realise the long-term negative effects of it. On the other hand, there are many who grow and even thrive on having a critical eye that’s focussed inward—but in a self-compassionate rather than self-critical way. The difference between these two kinds of people is in how they approach themselves and their performance.

How do you assess yourself?

For some people, introspection is a kind of self-autopsy in which they cut open their psyches and look for abnormalities. They inevitably find their flaws or weaknesses because everyone has them. Then they study these human failings under a microscope—and work tirelessly to get rid of them. Of course, this is a process that has no end and can be very demoralising.

Other people approach introspection in a gentler manner. They are curious and accepting as they consider their inner world and how it affects their performance in the outer world. As they endeavour to discern their inner selves more, they are empathetic rather than critical toward their own distress and failings. This compassion naturally motivates them to find their way out of their emotional pain or discomfort while also spurring them on to achieve their goals and to find happiness.

Why self-compassion is better than self-criticism?

Those high in self-compassion ultimately do better than those who are self-critical. Although the search-and-destroy missions of self-critical people are an expedient way to address problems and advance toward goals, they can also be extremely stressful and demoralising. Self-critical people are, in essence, attacking themselves. And when they feel the pain of their self-victimisation, they often respond by further criticising themselves for being weak.

The picture is much more positive for self-compassionate people. They comfort, support and encourage themselves as they acknowledge their imperfections and failures. They are particularly adept at accepting negative feedback and responding in a constructive way by inwardly maintaining a positive sense of themselves while also making corrective changes in their performance.

Which type are you?

Most people fall in the category midway between self-compassion and self-attack. They are sometimes angry and unforgiving about their actions. At other times, they consider their pain with tenderness. But the more they can look perceptively into themselves with a compassionate eye, what I call compassionate self-awareness [I have explained the concept in a 3-minute video embedded below], the stronger they feel about facing their tribulations and the more resilient they are toward self-improvement.

Learn how to look inward with care

Another way to practise self-compassion is to bring your attention and critical thinking to how you respond to particular circumstances. It can help to be conscious of your thoughts, feelings, and reactions. Consider the following example of someone working through a situation:

Situation: After beating me in tennis, Lisa kept talking about how she’s better than me, just as she always does.

Self-critical thoughts: She’s right, I’m a loser. I’m no good at tennis or anything else for that matter.

Emotions: Angry with self, angry with Lisa, sad, dejected, frustrated.

Source of thoughts/feelings: I’m really upset about this incident, but I also know that I have a history of feeling like a loser. When I was a kid, I had an undiagnosed learning disability that made attending school really hard. No matter how hard I tried, I never seemed to do well. So I ended up feeling like a failure all the time. The voice I hear in my head now is the same voice I heard as a child.

After identifying all of these parts of your experience, choose to respond to yourself with compassion. This will probably be difficult for you. In this example, you might say, “Okay, I know now why I think I’m a loser, but I should just get over it.”

If this is where you get stuck, I suggest that you consider the following three-step approach to responding gently to your self-criticisms. These steps are:

1. Understanding your thoughts
2. Validating your emotions
3. Providing a sympathetic alternative thought to the emotions you are experiencing.

In the above example of losing the tennis match, this could turn out at follows:

1 Understand your thinking

“Given my childhood experiences, I can understand why I think of myself as a failure. These thoughts and feelings happened so frequently that they become ingrained in me, so it makes sense that I still think this way.”

2 Validate your emotions

“Given my childhood experiences, of course I felt angry with myself, sad and despairing as a child. And, I understand why those same feelings would get triggered when I’m in similar situations now.”

3 Compassionate alternative

“The truth is that I wasn’t a failure as a child—I struggled because of my learning disability. Once I got the help I needed, I did better in school and at a lot of other things, too. Just as I wasn’t a loser back then even though I felt that way, I’m also not a loser now—even when I feel that way.

“As for this situation with Lisa, I need to remember that she was on a team when she was younger and she’s never stopped playing. And I only started playing about a year ago. So, of course she’s better than me at this. But, again, that doesn’t make me a loser. Even if I never get really good at tennis, I have other strengths. I’m really creative, and I know I’m a loyal friend—which is more important to me, anyway.”

After disseminating your thoughts, if you still struggle with finding a considerate response, think about how you would advise a friend. For instance, you could spend some time thinking about people you know who are struggling in some way and allowing yourself to be open to their pain, while wishing them well in your heart. Then you can simply bring your awareness to your own pain or difficulties and practise responding to yourself in the same compassionate manner.

Learning to assess yourself in this compassionate way can be very difficult. So, be patient. Give yourself a chance to work through this process as many times as you need to. It can help to remember the many years that you’ve been self-critical—it’s a well learned way of relating to yourself that will take time and practice to unlearn. But as your self-compassion increases, you will find that you feel better about yourself even as you continue to improve and grow in different areas of your life.

Watch this video on compassionate self-awareness by Dr. Leslie Becker-Phelps

The post Stop attacking yourself with self-criticism appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Maybe you’re gazing out the window, daydreaming about your future. Or you just got briefed on a new project at work. Or maybe it’s 3am and you are just staring at the ceiling, much too wide awake.

Pssst!

Your attention shifts inward, to a spot behind your eyeballs. A little voice starts up back there and it’s murmuring, just to you. It says: “You can’t do this. Don’t even try it. This is a mistake. You’ll lose your job. Your home. Your loved ones… Here are a hundred reasons you will fail…”

The voice makes you second-guess yourself before you even start. You can go from the verge of making a decision to backing away, to asking others’ opinions, to questioning your judgement, to trashing everything you have ever accomplished, doubting yourself to the core.

This voice squirts adrenaline into your blood stream, ties your guts in knots, releases butterflies to flop around your tummy, and gushes cold sweats down your pits and brow.

It knows you well. In fact, it sounds like a friend, concerned and just here to protect you from a horrible decision. It’s a familiar old voice, one that’s been whispering in your ear as far back as you can remember. It’s the voice of the inner critic, the worry wart, the voice of doom.

If you hear this voice, and I know you do, you’re not crazy. You’re not a loser. You’re not alone. You’re just human.

But despite how common this predicament is, it’s also very damaging. The voice has the ability to limit your potential, crush your happiness and derail your dreams.

It’s time to stop it.

The voice and the maker

More than anything, the voice messes with all forms of creativity. New ideas, new directions make it jabber loudest. Why? Because the voice hates change and risk, and whenever we rearrange the mental furniture of our lives, it protests.

This is an important thing to remember: when the voice starts up, it’s because you are trying to change something. And if you are going to be a functioning person on this ever-turning planet, you will have to eventually make change too. So to be happy [or even functional], you are going to have to learn to shut that voice down.

Listen to the voice

So what does it sound like? What’s the quality of its voice? Does it whisper? Does it have an accent? An echo? How old does it sound? Is it high-pitched or low? Does it sit right against your ear or is it deeper in your head?

Now, try to put a body and a face to that voice. Make it a creature. How big is it? What does it smell like? How does it move? Is it an animal? Is it a demon?

I imagine it looks a bit like Gollum, from The Lord of the Rings. It’s whiney and creepy and lives back in the dark cave of my skull. It never rests and has big, glowing eyes that constantly dart around in fear. It has a mouthful of sharp little teeth to nip at the edges of my mind and it smells musty, of cold sweat and old fish. So, like Gollum, but meatier and covered in grey-brown fur, fairly oily like an unwashed mutt.

I call this lovely thing, “the Monkey”. It jabbers and hoots like a monkey and it smells like one too. Only worse.

Maybe my description fits your creature too. If not, just substitute your species in for the rest of the descriptions I’ll give you. I’m pretty sure they’ll still fit whether you imagine you’re carrying around a snake or a gargoyle, a gremlin or a gopher with a chainsaw.

Meet your monkey

The monkey is a formidable foe. It is more devious than you and it has plenty of time on its hands. It can use everything you know against you, push every button, pull every lever, and is unrelenting. Don’t let that get you down. But don’t underestimate it either.

And the monkey has opinions about most things. It can think of a good reason to be afraid of most decisions, of any impending event, big or small. It can give you umpteen reasons to do something tomorrow instead of now, to ask more and more people’s opinions before you make a move, can tell you what that stranger at the cocktail party will reply if you say “Hi”.

That shirt makes you look like a fat dork.

You don’t floss enough.

What do you suppose the client meant by that look?

That pimple could be a tumour.

Do you smell smoke? And so on…

Behave like a monkey

The monkey mind can make you behave a bit like a monkey yourself. If you find you are quarrelling with others and venting emotion inappropriately, chances are that you are not creating, not thinking, not doing. Or alternatively, you may find yourself overworking, nights and weekends [on projects fuelled by drudgery and obligation, not passion] living out of balance, out of harmony, out of fast food containers, far from your true self.

In my career as a creative director, I’ve run into a lot of people who are driven to melodramatics by their monkey puppeteers. They act out.

Client questions your decision? Throw a fit.

Need to cover up a blunder? The best defence is self-righteous indignation.

They’re always drawing attention to themselves, making excuses, being prima donnas, making outrageous demands. A bigger office, a longer title, no brown M&Ms in the dressing room!

One more thing… the monkey will always find you one more reason to delay. Do more research. Ask others opinions. Find an agent, find a publisher, get a contract, get a new desk chair… It can be never-ending. All this activity makes it seem like you are doing something, but you’re not really. You’re just frittering away time and defeating your creative impulse with thoughts of fine art, chocolate, naps, sex… The illusion of productivity is the bone the monkey throws you.

Perfect is the enemy of done

At first glance, perfectionism doesn’t seem like one of the monkey’s tricks. After all, it’s not unreasonable to want to do things well, to have high standards, to do your best. The problem is that the monkey insists you do everything perfectly. Not just your job, but your laundry, your parallel parking, your push-ups.

But no matter how high your standards, the monkey will still make sure perfection is always just out of reach. As your ideas begin to bubble to the surface, the monkey insists on judging immediately, pointing out how far below perfection you have fallen. Even though you know most ideas don’t hatch without some room for improvement, the monkey can make you sling them on the trash pile before they catch their first breath.

Insisting on perfection is just another form of hubris. It assumes that you can meet standards that are way too high for the average person, that while others might accept something sub-par, you insist on it being done just so. And then you [and the monkey] beat yourself up when it is revealed that you too are human.

Here’s the dirty secret: perfectionists are not more productive than people who aren’t crazed, obsessive, workaholic nitpickers. When your priorities are askew and you get overly obsessed with incidental details, it’s a lot harder to do what needs to be done. Be a bit more realistic about your capabilities and your priorities. Accept that in most cases, good enough is just perfect.

You’ll put your eye out with that

The monkey speaks in a familiar voice—because it’s the voice you grew up with.

Don’t eat that, it’ll make you sick.

Don’t run with that!

That’s going to get infected.

Be careful! Stop it…

All parents tell their children these things for their own good. To protect them from harm. To protect them from eating insects, swallowing safety pins, and playing in traffic. They say things in an exaggerated, emphatic way so these lessons will get through their children’s thick heads. It makes sense. Parents want their children to avoid risk so that they will survive.

Eventually you internalise these voices. Or, you become a juvenile delinquent. Or you don’t listen, you fall off a roof and die [then you’re out of the gene pool].

The monkey moves from being an outside voice to inside your head, a full-time bodyguard hard-wired into your hardening skull.

Whose voice is that?

Whose voices is the monkey playing back for you? Mom? Dad? The first teacher who said something casual and cruel: “Remember, most people don’t have talent. I’m sure you’re good at something”? Was it the dean of the college who rejected your application? The first boss who killed all of your favourite ideas?

But these are all old voices, maybe even the voices of dead people, talking about old, vanished problems. Why must they still echo in your head?

It’s déjà vu all over again. Things that happened long ago were real. The pain was real. But the worst things seem to be the things that could be. The sound of approaching sirens that could be heading to your house; the boss who could be getting ready to fire you; the smell that could be smoke; the phone ringing in the night.

What does happen can be cleaned up or treated or paid for or even buried. But what could happen must only be dealt with one way: by refusing to fear what could be. Put your imagination to better use. And insist on living only in what is.

Whatever voice you’re hearing, it’s just a spectre. Whatever sword carved the scars into your psyche, you have the power to move past it. As grownups, we have the ability to see that the affronts and critiques of the past are just puffs of air that have long since dissipated. Only we carry them forward. You have the power to override, to rewrite, to define these ancient wounds as irrelevancies that do not bear on the wonderful creature you are today—a creative adult with great strength and potential.

Negativo

We are effected by bad news more than good. We believe negative rumours more than positive ones. We hold on to painful memories longer than warm ones. The monkey is only concerned with bracing us for bad situations and figures that good ones will take care of themselves. So when we allow the monkey to define our perspective on an issue, it becomes all problem. The danger spirals, everything seems bleak.

And misery loves company. When you ask most people their opinions about your idea, their feedback will likely be negative. Sure, a sunny few will say, “Great! Love it!” but when you seek input, people [and their monkeys] assume you want reasons not to proceed. No one ever paid a consultant to tell them they were doing everything right.

So wait before labelling something as a “problem” or a “dead end”. Instead, consider it just part of the process. In the positive light of tomorrow, it might look less like a problem and more like an opportunity.

Fighting back

Now that we know what the monkey looks like and how it can monkey with your life, let’s explore some strategies for shutting it down.

We’ll start with the most obvious strategy:

» Put up a fight

Listen to his charges and show him he’s wrong. Fight fire with fire. Unfortunately, when you take the monkey on directly, it will find ways to squirm past your counter arguments and keep raising the ante. You’ll walk away dirty and bruised. By embracing the monkey, you’ll get tarred with cynicism, pessimism, anxiety, and negativity. It’s infectious.

» A sit down

Instead of being self-critical, try being objective. Imagine your best friend asks you to have coffee with her. Then she tells you that she’s been told she’s worthless, inept, untalented and stupid. What would you say? Can you do the same for you?

Think about what the monkey’s voice is warning you against. What are you really afraid of? Write it down. Describe it in detail. What is the change, the risk, the newness that it is fighting? Dig beyond the monkey’s hysteria and see if you can flush out the legitimate problem. Are there professional skills you need to hone? Are your plans currently unrealistic? Do you need more resources? More time to think through your plan?

» Build a scoreboard

You have accomplished a huge amount on your life, accomplishments the monkey may deny, diminish or dismiss. Once and for all, paint a more accurate picture of yourself.

Create a list of everything you have ever accomplished. All the significant things, personal and public. What you overcame in your childhood, the academic successes, the titles, the assets, all of it. Include a copy of a congratulatory email from a boss, a client recommendation, a thank you note, your report card.

You’re pretty great. Keep score. Put your scoreboard in a file on your computer and reference it whenever you need perspective.

» Be the honeybee

Here’s a really powerful strategy, so easy, so simple, it took me ages to figure it out: out-dumb the monkey and get to work. Don’t think—do.

Become the buzzing honeybee, barrelling out of the hive with the dawn, then zooming from buttercup to daisy. Never stopping to think about whether she’s doing it right, whether there’s a purpose to his efforts, whether other bees are doing it better or bringing back more pollen. Just keep buzzing across the meadow, the sun on your back, your eyes on the prize, your wings churning the spring air. If the monkey speaks up, crank your buzzing louder, and keep gathering words, keep finding ideas, keep pushing that pen. Just make some honey, honey.

If you insist on wondering if what you’re doing is any good, just tell yourself—sure, it’s awesome. Suspend judgement until later. Some of your ideas suck? So what?! A lame idea beats no idea every time. Put it down, then move to the next flower.

Failure isn’t the end of the road, it’s just the next leg of the journey. So, back up the backup with a boatload of more ideas. Toss out a hundred lousy ideas and you’ll have at least one good one. Just don’t stop at 99. The answer could be the last one to show up.

And, as you work, buzzing away, the voice will give up and fall silent. The monkey is a bully and gives up when it’s ignored.

Bzzzzz.

» Get the work habit

The monkey loves same-old, same-old, a rut filled with frozen fear. You need to develop a similarly powerful pattern of your own. The habit of regular work. Focussed just on productivity. Day after day. Immune to failure, rejection, fear. Be rigid in your own regimen. Live by your own ritual and discipline. Tools always at the ready.

Set your alarm clock, rain or shine. The monkey is lazy. Get up before him. Buzz from morning till night. One dance, one mission, no time to stop and chat.

The monkey’s job is to fight change, so create a new reality, a permanent state of change.

» Doer. Not dour

Self-confidence has two main components: sunshine and sweat.

First, cultivate optimism however you can. Keep your eyes focussed sharply on the bright side. Grin and buzz. Surround yourself with the infectious energy of positive people. There’s nothing as powerful as a group of people who all believe they can. The monkey can tell you that pessimists are the only realists, but that’s defeatist hogwash.

Second, be a doer. Make things. Work. Explore. Stretch. Take risks. Go in new directions. Bees work hard and people call them “drones”. Or maybe they are just confident in their abilities, busy doing what they know needs to be done.

» Sweaty genius

When you start any brand-new undertaking, you are more likely to fail. You don’t know the rules, don’t know the tools, haven’t failed nearly often enough to learn the lessons. That’s why most amateurs give up so early on. They never make it to their second piano lesson, their third drawing lesson, their fourth level of the video game, because they can’t bear the learning curve. The monkey tells them that their first attempt is a sign that they will never be any good, doomed on the launch pad.

Lies, all lies.

One powerful monkey tool is to compare your amateur fumbling to the work of committed, professional creative people. It will tell you that you can’t play the violin like Itzhak Perlman or cook like Mario Batali or write like Stephen King—because they are natural-born geniuses.

It will fail to point out that professionals are as good as they are because they are professional. They have committed themselves to their work. They have practised and trained for years. They have failed and failed and brushed themselves off and kept on buzzing. The monkey makes a big deal about things like “talent” and “inspiration”. But what really counts is slogging miles after mile, head down, wings humming. Sweat and perseverance are what drives “genius” to success. It’s not a lottery ticket.

Don’t keep comparing yourself to the greats. Instead be inspired by their example and work ethic. Compare yourself to the bees, and keep on buzzing.

» Build yourself a better brain

Neuroscientists have established that when you work hard on something, the composition and structure of your brain changes. You lay down neurons and weave a denser cobweb of cerebral connections. You create new brain cells that are programmed to make you better at the new things you are doing. The more brain cells you build, the more paper you dirty, the more pixels you move around, the more you move ahead.

The trick is not to focus on the end game. Not to wish mightily for the Oscar, the applause, the paycheque. Focus instead on building your skills one microscopic brain cell at a time. And you do that by putting your head [and its brain] down and getting to work.

As you work on building your mountain of ideas, you are rewiring your brain. All those challenges and fresh thinking are stimulating and feeding your neurotransmitters, creating more and more connections between your neurons, blazing new pathways, turning on dormant genes. The more you think, the better you get at it.

It doesn’t matter if those ideas are “good” any more than it matters if you are chopping wood or hefting kettle bells. All that counts is that you keep working, keep pumping out more ideas. Even lame creativity creates the creative mind.

» Bees fly in all weather

Work hard now. Don’t waste time praying for inspiration. If you’re standing around, waiting for a thunderbolt to strike, that’s just the monkey doing weather forecasting.

And if you are tearing yourself up because you have something allegedly called “a writer’s block” or a “creative block” or “a unicorn standing on your laptop”, take a deep breath and go to a museum or a bookstore or the movies. “Blocks” are just the lulls between bursts of inspiration. Getting upset because pure genius isn’t constantly pouring out of your fingers is a sign of nothing but impatience and misunderstanding of the process. It will come, just keep working, feeding the well, and remain calm.

These pauses are part of the process. If you make a huge deal out of them, if you label them and use them as an excuse, they will last longer. If you accept that like any athlete or performer or genius, you need downtime and diversion, then they will be briefer and a lot more fun. Stretch your wings and get buzzing.

» Think small

You sit down to work and the monkey mutters, “How are you gonna write a book? Record an album? Start a business? It’s too big. You can’t do it.”

How do you eat a whale? With a knife and fork, one bite at a time. I wrote this article in sentences and paragraphs. Most of these pages started as brief notes on my phone. Ideas. Fragments. The beginnings of a mountain. Over several weeks, the scraps added up to what you are holding in your hand. And that’s how I’ve written my last dozen books. I now have a shelf of them with my name on the spine but I wrote them all in tiny bites.

So don’t write a book. Write a word. Then another. Write it like you read. In between buses, elevators, breakfast meetings. And if you want to develop a new skill, don’t be daunted by the long journey ahead. Just walk to the corner. Then turn and walk the next block. A thousand miles, ten thousand hours, one step at time.

The big picture

So far we have talked about what the monkey is, what it wants, and all the many ways it can limit your life. We have seen the power of focussing on being as productive as the honey bee and building up a big mountain of work before starting to evaluate the ideas. But now let’s talk about a much bigger issue—namely, why you are here and what you can do with your life and your talents. As we discuss that, you’ll see that when you shift your perspective to a much broader one, many of the niggling problems the monkey has caused you will become just faint and distant memories.

What’s your goal? The purpose behind everything you do? What makes you happy? How does your work make the world a better place?

Refocus on that. Write it down. If you have a larger sense of purpose, then you have an objective way to assess risk. To determine the correct path in any given situation. To decide whether something is dangerous — or simply new. We don’t need to live in black-and-white terms, and impulsively slam on the brakes at every crossroads. Instead, we can guide ourselves and we can move ahead, even through unfamiliar terrain. We know that we have to pass through this situation to achieve our goal. Risk becomes acceptable, even welcome. And that leads us forward.

Make a list of how what you want to do matters to the world. Who it helps. What changes it will cause. Use that list as a reason for doing the hard work. Life’s greatest reward isn’t money, mansions, boats and Botox. It’s sharing the resources and experience we’ve gained with others. Who does your work help?

Life’s greatest reward isn’t money, mansions, boats and Botox. It’s sharing the resources and experience we’ve gained with others

Are you finding a cure for cancer or ending world hunger? Maybe not. But everything you do means the world to someone. Think through why it matters, who it helps and why. Treat every project as if it really truly matters and soon you’ll see that it does. The more you value your contribution, the larger the opportunities that will come to you.

We can all have a purpose that’s bigger than we are, bigger than our petty concerns and fears. When we raise that mission like a banner, we connect with others who share that dream. We feel more empowered and fulfilled and happy. And the monkey’s voice fades slowly away.

Your work matters. Figure out why and to whom. And if that seems impossible, then why spend your time doing it?

Life is short and getting shorter. Get to work. Rock the boat. Take a risk. Do something worth carving on your headstone. And once you have identified your purpose, that will be the only answer you ever need to give that voice in your head. Just say, “The world needs me. So shut your monkey!”

Excerpted from Shut Your Monkey: How to control your inner critic and get more done by Danny Gregory, HOW Books, 2016

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