How wrong I was! How petty my outlook! How narrow my vision!

It’s the intent that really matters

Although being a square peg in a square hole is a necessary condition for happiness, by no means is it sufficient. Doing what I love as a profession certainly made effort less painful and more enjoyable, but there was a sense of emptiness and restlessness—a feeling of struggle. It felt as if I was rowing my boat against an invisible tide or walking uphill with a heavy load, all alone. No doubt passion for my work provided me with the energy to keep moving—but still, the whole effort somehow seemed wasteful and avoidable. There must be a better way, I told myself.

Then I discovered that the problem lay in my intent. I noticed that when I was involved in a selfless act, everything came to me easily, as if under grace. On the other hand, when I did what I loved doing only towards the fulfilment of my own needs—financial or otherwise—I was bound to feel incomplete and discontent.

Personal success is not equal to contentment

I am an intrinsic part of the environment I live in—its people, its animals, its resources—everything. When I am focussed on achieving my greatest potential without regard to my world, I may work hard and do whatever it takes, but my end goal is individual, personal. In the past I followed my dreams and goals because I was raised to subscribe to the capitalistic view of the world, which says that individuals need to think for themselves and maximise their own wellbeing.

But when has the part ever been more well than the whole?

No matter how it appears, I can never truly prosper and feel well when all I think about is myself. I may succeed in accumulating wealth and finding fame but authentic happiness will evade me, peace of mind will remain a dream, and life will always seem like struggle. Being self-centred, I may reach great heights of success and take pride in my achievement but it will lack the contentment that comes when I join forces with the greater intelligence that makes the sun rise, the flowers bloom and the earth spin on its axis.

Moving away from personal fulfilment and glory

“I slept and dreamt that life was joy. I awoke and saw that life was service. I acted and behold, service was joy.”
— Rabindranath Tagore

That is why I have this longing to let go of my quest for personal success and instead focus on serving others, be useful to the environment of which I am an inseparable part. Of course I can continue to do what I love doing, but the intent now is not personal fulfilment and glory but the betterment of my world. I believe that doing so lets me flow with the tide because I am now involved in cooperating with the collective intent of greater good.

Success takes on a fresh new flavour when you do what you love doing in service of your fellow beings and the planet. I am born with many gifts and I have realised that I find my bliss in giving them away. What I receive in return is invaluable: the support of the whole Universe.

 
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But once I hit 30, the fun-mist of youth seemed to abruptly lift and reveal that it wasn’t going to be enough for me to just ‘do a day job’ and that either I had to find some new [more constructive] passions or had to add some more zing at work. I then spent five years doing a bit of both and ultimately got to a point when I gave up the corporate shenanigans to turn my passion into something akin to, but so much better than, ‘a day job’.

In this post, I’ll share my thoughts and experiences about how you can:

• Find time in a busy life for your passions
• Enjoy the ‘day job’ even when you’d really rather be somewhere else
• Transition your passion from ‘spare time’ to ‘full time’

Snippets of time for your passion

• In the early days of the journey towards your passion and at times of frustration or boredom, it’s easy to feel like there can never be enough hours in the day to make enough of a shift towards your passion. By using laser like focus and consistency, I believe you can explore, nurture and build your passion with just 30 minutes a day. Little and often is key.
• Pick a passion – perhaps you’re lucky enough to have lots of passions but pick one to focus on at any time.
• Know what you want and need right now. Do you need to research? To educate yourself? To practice? To brainstorm? To plan?
• If all you have is 30 minutes, then make it 30 mins, not 25 or 20 or 10. Turn off the distractions, put the phone in a drawer, create a physical space for your project.
• Now what if you are struggling even with the prospect of 30 minutes a day – life is already way too busy. [A little warning: I might get a bit feisty here!] My questions to you would be….. “How much do you really want to pursue this passion?” and “Are you the thing that is making you busy?” I’ll leave you to mull over the first question in your own time but the second one is a real bug bear of mine. I really dislike the word ‘busy’ – I think it gets used in a misleading way and as a relatively lame excuse. We all have the same number of hours in a day and we all face the same choice about how we use them. Want more time for your passion? Get organized, prioritize and get disciplined.

Should you quit cold turkey?

Many people spend a significant part of their waking lives at work and it’s really, tough to maintain a positive mindset if you’re not enjoying it. That difficulty then goes to a whole new level if you’ve actually got a passion that you’d much rather be doing with your time or as your job.

The bad news is that there is no magic wand. The reality is that most of us aren’t going to go from discovering our purpose to quitting our day job overnight. Some wonderfully crazy spontaneous folk do, and good for them. But, be honest with yourself and get real about your life, if you’re a slightly risk-averse former accountant like me then it ain’t gonna happen like that. And, the brutal truth is that you may never get to the point where you’re either able or want to give up the day job anyway. The day job is still important even if it doesn’t set your heart on fire and you’d be doing yourself a huge favor if you’re able to come to terms with that.

Ways to make peace with the 9–5 job

1. Get curious about what work means to you [the money, sense of purpose, making a contribution, working with great people] and then focus your attention on the aspects of your current job which do meet your needs
2. Identify any linkages to your passion — no matter how tenuous — and find ways getting more work in that space
3. Find satisfaction in the little things — forget the big picture, focus on doing boring/uninteresting things really well
4. Get organized and efficient [yes, again!] — if the reality of your job is currently 8-6 then get efficient so you can turn it into 9–5
5. Creating something great takes time. And, our fragile minds/egos often need that time to get comfortable with the prospect of change and the fact that we may be taking a risk.

Also read » How to live a life of purpose

Things to consider before turning your passion into your job

Passion does not necessarily translate into a good job. Some things are best left as amazing, fulfilling, life affirming interests. Go back to the exercise about ‘what you need from work’, then evaluate and be brutally honest about how your passion might stack up.

Assuming one of the reasons you work is to earn some money. Why are people going to pay money for what you are offering? What is the problem that you are solving for them?

How much money do you really need? This challenge goes in both directions. If you really want your passion to be your job are you willing to change your lifestyle and earn less? If you have a family and a mortgage to cover, will your passion generate enough for you to survive?

Move away from the fantasy and get real. What will your life really be like if you turn your passion into your job? Done all of that and still think it’s a goer?

Here are the real gems from my experience of making it happen

• Realize that, often, this kind of a journey isn’t just made up of one step. It’s likely to be a number of significant steps taken over a prolonged period of time. The first step, for example, might be finding a job which blends your current skills/experience with your passion.

• Planning, but not too much. Of course, you have to have a plan before you quit the day job. But if you feel you have to plan and be clear on every minute detail the
  • a) you’ll never get round to starting and
  • b) your plan will be too restrictive and inflexible to be successful.

• No-one can tell you it’s 100% going to work. If you’re waiting for that affirmation, I’m sorry to say you’re going to be waiting a long time and you’re never going to do it. Get really clear on the risks, mitigate and manage them and, if you’ve got your head around it, then you’re probably good to go.

• Find a way of giving it a trial. Getting out of thinking and into action is a really important stage in the process. Is there any way of testing the waters? May be work the day job part time and use non work time to try your passion.

Remember you’re really lucky to have found something that you’re passionate about — some people are on a permanent quest to find that and don’t always get there.

The post How to transition from a day job to pursuing your passion appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

As things stand

First, schools created lists of hierarchical distribution of students according to their scores. Toppers did science, the second rung commerce and the rest may please go sit in the Humanities section. Society measured brains in tandem with school. Parents often followed suit for they knew no better.

While a large section of society still measures an individual’s success by his pay package, there is a notable change between then and now. It is in so many children’s minds about career and the sense of identity. Children are seeing through the academic brainwashing, caring less about social pressures and following their hearts’ callings. Towed lines are being rejected and the will to be independent is much stronger than yesterday. Better exposure to opportunities through various media and a wider array of career choices to pick from help, as do professional fora for helping them cope with failure and disappointment. Bravo, kids!

Towed lines are being rejected and the will to be independent is much stronger than yesterday

But you wonder, what about the parents?

Troubles are known to come in battalions, but troubling thoughts are always present, especially in a parent’s mind, and even more when it has to do with their child’s future. While confidence in the child’s capability may exist, social and contextual factors make us worry. And worry makes us want to take each step with utter caution. What do parents do when children are ready to step out into unconventional careers? What goes on in their minds when their own children decide to plunge headlong into newness, leaving their secure cabins behind, swimming against the current? What arguments stem from misgivings, and how misgivings turn to acceptance [and even confidence] is something we need to explore.

I spoke to a few such parents in order to understand this social and emotional story that gets written in many contemporary households.

Decisions, differently made

Says Ritu Lalit, a Delhi-based best-selling author,“Both my boys, individually and at different times, simply informed me of their decisions. There was no giving or taking of permission. My household doesn’t work that way! The parent-child equation is a democratic one. The authoritarian style of parenting is a thing of the past.” Her elder son Ishaan was a commercial pilot but is now a published author himself. The younger one, Kartik, is a Mechanical Engineer who helps those working in the field of arts and creativity with publicity.

With some others, the change of field seemed expected but still not as easy to accept. Chandrika is mother to Divyaalakshmi, a television actress known for her role of Rani Sajja Bai in Maharana Pratap and Bulbul in Shapath. “Divya was always fond of dancing and singing. Honestly, we tried to push her towards more meaningful art forms but she never took to it. We wanted her to complete her education before she got carried away with the glitter that movies showed her.” After an MA in Economics and an MBA, Divya decided to quit her job in a recruitment agency and join the entertainment industry. “We kept putting off her idea as just infatuation but somewhere we knew that a dream delayed would not mean a dream denied. The decision had been made in her head a long time back.”

For some parents, there is no surprise element at all and decisions are made in consultation with family members. Like for Reyhan Datta, whose son Suniti works as an outdoor/wilderness educator and a consultant wildlife biologist. After a B.Sc. degree Suniti worked as a guide with Col. Wakefield at the Kabini River Lodge at Nagarhole, Karnataka and then studied at the Wildlife Institute of India in Dehradun. “It did not come as a surprise when he wanted to work with wildlife. We had seen his love for the subject ever since he was a little boy,” she says. “I felt Suniti must continue with what he wants to do.”

“Sometimes, new decisions fit old bills”, says Reyhan, whose family always believed that children should follow their noses, “This was an unconventional area where he could contribute a great deal, especially when teaching school children. He is a good teacher, but not a person who would sit and do corrections! Yes, we require money but at the same time, we must do what we enjoy.”

Of universal misgivings and unconditional support

How interesting it is to realise that fears to do with children’s futures are similar across different kinds of families and career choices. The idea of financial security looms as an overarching concern common to most parents. Then, the family’s and individual’s place in society and narratives of gender and givens like the institution of marriage further create a maze around a child’s decision. Overall, the wish for safety and security refuses to leave the parents’ lips.

For some parents, there is no surprise element at all and decisions are made in consultation with family members

When Divya quit her job in Mumbai to audition for roles in Bollywood, her parents wanted to take her back to her protected small-town life immediately. “Sitting far away with a daughter jobless in Mumbai was not our idea of being parents,” says Chandrika. Even though they extended financial support to their daughter, as parents their misgivings to do with the industry and its popular projection continued. “Casting couches, safety, erratic working hours and the moral police. Fodder for a scornful society! Acting as a career option has been stereotyped as a big bad ogre. So much so that neighbours worry more about her getting married than we do!” she laughs.

Ritu had a different idea in mind. “Histrionics, tears, and a drama mama!” greeted her sons’ decisions to quit well-established jobs for unconventional ones. “I was not in agreement because there is a part of me that wants them to be safe. You know, a regular salary, provident fund, pension are not things to be taken lightly. To that end, I had ensured that both of them got proper professional degrees. I am a single mother and I give a lot of importance to steady jobs. However, if what my sons do makes them happy, I am with them. Simple.”

The silk we can draw from these accounts

1. Children are very determined and focussed these days. Their determination needs to be given a chance, and also their talent. You may hang a tiny tag of ‘Terms and Conditions apply’ on them, but let them own their decisions. It will make them feel empowered and responsible. After all, careers and life paths are a personal choice.
2. No wife and husband in the same situation will think alike as a matter of rule [especially if once upon a time opposites attracted]. Parents need to talk it out between themselves and put up a united front for the child. Imagine what havoc a house divided can play on a child’s mind. No matter what the challenges, you are parents together, not apart.
3. At a later stage, you may worry about how you can encourage them in a field you know little about. You can’t! Try arriving at common family ideals and promoting them—be it about working hard or doing quality work. Unlike umbrellas of values, which were once passed down ready-made, family ideals are now being charted by discussion and with equal voice given to all members of the house. List yours, together. That’s how Reyhan did it with her family, didn’t she?
4. The times belong to them, not to us parents. This is what Chandrika had to say when I asked her if she could have been an actress too: “Impossible. I remember I once wore bell-bottoms, puffed up my hair and posed for a picture in the studio. That was the closest I came to feeling like a celebrity!”
5. Don’t just encourage them, support them too. Where society views unconventional careers with suspicion and criticism, children braving it out need support publicly too. Let them know that no well-wishing neighbour can dilute your support for your own child. Let them never feel devoid of your trust. Support [or lack of it] can make all the difference. As Ritu says, “Remember how people laughed at Bisleri when they began bottling water? Well, now they are called pioneers!”

We often say how children are growing up faster these days, tasting forms of freedom which we as parents did not, once upon a black-and-white time. However, if we notice, parents are increasingly donning newer skins too. Accepting and adopting the times they cannot fully call their own. Or is it possible that they are coming into their own and realising their long-lost dreams? By picking the cameras on their own, or letting their children freely go into the wild with theirs? Either way, we’re all growing up as we grow older. What better to ask!

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It is quite possible you have yet to identify your particular ability, but be sure the Universe did not leave you out. It sent you here at this specific time for a good reason, and you cannot leave this earth without fulfilling that purpose. What a waste of a glorious life that would be!

Share your gift

Everyone on earth has a treasure that awaits him, writes Paulo Coelho in his book, The Alchemist. Each of us, including you, has a unique mission [Coelho calls it ‘personal legend’], and it is the one obligation you are required to fulfil in life. Having been assigned a purpose, you are blessed with individual gifts to aid you in accomplishing it. Let those gifts not go to waste. Every step of the way, the Universe sends you indicators that guide you towards your personal legend. Do not overlook them.

Having been assigned a purpose, you are blessed with individual gifts to aid you in accomplishing it

The journey may be far from easy. However, nothing great is achieved without a struggle. There will be times when you will be convinced it is impossible to go on, but ignore anyone who tells you that—including yourself!

Once you discover your precious power, it would be a grievous injustice not to share it with the rest of the world. Leaving behind no meaningful legacy for future generations contradicts the greater scheme of the Universe. Instead, alignment with the design of the Universe will manifest in prosperity, success and victory for you and those you love. Life flows perfectly when you follow your bliss. So find it and fulfil it.

Invest in your bliss

My experience with the desire to become “a writer” taught me valuable lessons. While I appreciated the skill bestowed upon me, I made the constant excuse of not having enough time to write. I had a full-time job, was a busy mother of two. I allowed a host of other grievances to get in my way. For the longest time I was in love with the idea of quitting my full-time job to focus on my writing. I believed that my job was getting in the way of my heart’s deepest desire and what I perceived to be my life’s purpose. But as time went by and no one stepped forward to pay me to stay home and write, I became disheartened. I went through a phase when I could not write anything. I had committed to blogging twice a week, and since I had subscribers on my website and Facebook page, I felt obligated to keep going, regardless of my mental state. My disappointment reflected in my writing and the usual zest and passion I wrote with were noticeably lacking.

While I appreciated the skill bestowed upon me, I made the constant excuse of not having enough time to write

I truly believed that if I followed my heart, money and success would automatically come. But my beliefs did not seem to be reflected in the reality of my life. Eventually, after conversations with a couple of artists, I began to let go of the notion that the only way for me to express myself was to write full time.

Similarly, you may feel you should be able to live your passion day and night and not have to worry about going to work in an office or wherever your livelihood comes from. My intention here is not to discourage you. Instead, I urge you to keep following your bliss, tuning in to your heart and giving full expression to the creativity within you, whether you are paid for it or not. Do not let a single day pass without investing at least an hour in your bliss.

You have been called

Possessing a special gift or skill means you have to keep polishing it. Because a special gift has been bestowed upon you, you have the responsibility of using it effectively to bring joy to the lives of people around you.

You have been called. Know that. Understand that. Imprint it deep in your heart and set out on your mission in whatever way you can, here and now! The world is waiting for you.

Excerpted with permission from Passion, Perseverance and Prayer By Pooja Ruprell; Body & Soul Books, Leadstart Publishing

This was first published in the March 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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What is the most important step you can take to achieve the inspired and fulfilling life you’ve dreamed of? You might think the answer was something like, “Start saving money,” “Get a better job,” or “Land that big promotion.” Or maybe your response would be more like, “Find my life partner,” “Have a baby,” or “Improve my marriage.” Any of those actions might help you create a more well-rounded life—perhaps even a more meaningful one. But none of them alone will be the key to fulfilling your destiny—none of them alone may even come close.

Why? Because until you understand specifically what you truly value most, what truly inspires you, who you truly are, and what your true purpose is, a completely inspired, fulfilling life will elude you. You’re likely to attempt to live the life that someone else wants you to live, trying to follow someone else’s values or priorities—those of a parent, teacher, boss, or spouse. That is a recipe for frustration: the job that never quite satisfies you, the relationship that has somehow gone stale, and the vague sense that you’re living a quiet life of desperation.

Values Determine Quality of Life

Determining your highest values is the key to living your inspired destiny. You’ll be able to build a career where every day can feel like a vacation—because you love the work you do. You’ll be able to find the life partner that you seek, or transform your current relationship into the intimate, nourishing partnership that you would love. You’ll be able to activate your own unique genius, grow your financial freedom, expand your influence, and unleash your vitality. Ultimately, you will be able to achieve your immortal vision, fulfilling your purpose for being here on earth.

True Values Are Not Social Idealisms

When I ask you to think about what your values are, what words come to mind? If you’re like most people, you might find yourself listing abstract qualities: honesty, integrity, trust. Or perhaps you would refer to a set of religious beliefs, a patriotic ideal, or a code of morality.

These are probably not really your own personal values. Rather, they are what I call social idealisms: socially acceptable ways of thinking and behaving. Social idealisms sound nice. But they don’t necessarily reflect the true driving force that shapes your perceptions, decisions, actions, and feelings. You might genuinely believe that you are inspired by these ideals. But they are more likely to reflect your ideas of how you should, ought to, or have to behave—not what you truly value most.

You can recognize social idealisms because they are usually presented as general statements and abstract categories:

— People should be honest.
— Treat others the way you want them to treat you.
— A good person goes to church, synagogue, mosque, or temple.
— An “evolved” person is always generous or altruistic.

True Values Are Unique

True values, by contrast, are as specific to you as your fingerprint, your retinal pattern, and your voiceprint. Perhaps what you truly value most is spending time with your family, listening to beautiful music, and the chance to play basketball several times a week. Or perhaps you value stylish clothes, nursing injured animals back to health, or expanding your enterprise’s global reach. Your highest values may change throughout your life—most people’s do—but they are still the very essence of you: what you’re drawn to, what you inevitably seek out, what you live for. They are a kind of internal compass, pointing you toward the activities, people, and places that most fulfil you and away from the situations and people that are likely to feel unfulfilling. If you think of which activities and relationships truly nourish your innermost being, those are your highest values.

Just as no one else can choose your fingerprints or alter the pattern of your retina, no outside authority—no parent, teacher, political leader, or religious figure—can define your values. Only you can look into your own mind, heart, and soul and discover what is truly most important to you. Of course, you may find some similarities between your values and those of others. For example, both you and another person may love learning. But one of you may love to learn facts and figures, while the other revels in mastering profound philosophic concepts. Or perhaps one of you delights in mastering the ins and outs of investments in the stock market, while the other loves to invent complex financial instruments. In the domain of home and family, perhaps two parents equally value nurturing their children. But one expresses that nurturing through providing challenges and discipline, while another expresses that nurturing through long conversations about feelings and offering comfort in times of difficulty.

As you can see, even when two sets of values seem to be similar, one person’s values will never be quite like anybody else’s. Your unique purpose is to understand and fulfil your highest values. It is both a spiritual quest and the key to a fulfilling life.

This is why I suggest that you focus on your own personal journey of self-discovery and not allow social idealisms or possibly stagnant traditions or conventions to cloud the clarity of what really matters to you.

How to Distinguish Your True Values

How do you know when you are expressing your true highest values and when you are reflecting social idealisms? I’ll offer some powerful exercises later in this article that will reveal your true highest values. Meanwhile, here’s an important clue: anytime you find yourself saying, “I should…,” “I need to…,” or “I really must…,” you can be pretty certain that you are talking about social idealisms or the values of some external authority instead of expressing your own true highest values. On the other hand, when you hear yourself saying, “I desire to…,” “I choose to…,” or “I love to…,” then you know that you are talking about a goal that is truly valuable to you. Those are the goals you will inevitably achieve because they align with your highest values. But when you take on goals that are not aligned with your highest values, then you will, in all probability, struggle.

Values Come from Voids

One of the things that’s most powerful about our values is how they reflect what has been perceived as lacking in our lives—the seeming difficulties, challenges, obstacles, sorrows, or voids. Whatever we perceive is missing sets off a powerful hunger for precisely that thing. The perception of lack or void creates a corresponding value that drives us until we feel fulfilled.

For example, when I was a child, I felt restricted by the braces I was forced to wear. I perceived that restriction as a void—a lack of freedom. At age four, I begged my father to release me from that void. I promised to keep my hands and feet straight on my own if only I didn’t have to wear the braces.

My father agreed. I was so thrilled to have filled that void—to have replaced restriction with freedom—that I have placed a very high value on physical movement and travel ever since. As a child, I simply ran everywhere, glorying in my ability to move without braces. Throughout my boyhood and youth, I placed a very high value on physical activity and went on to excel at sports. As an adult, I value travel, and I have vowed to visit every country on earth. To this day, I love being unrestricted, either by my physical location or by any type of limiting belief. Today, the universe is my playground, the world is my home, and every city is another platform where I can share my heart and soul.

Isn’t it remarkable to think that my lifelong value on freedom came at least partly from the early childhood experience of a void—a perception of a severe lack of freedom? Thus at a very early age, I began to experience the way voids create values.

Challenging as my childhood experiences seemed to be at the time, they were the essential voids that shaped my highest values. Because I had been blocked in my learning, I valued knowledge. Because I had been unable to communicate, I valued teaching and writing. Because I had felt trapped, I valued travel. And so I discovered this key principle: perceived voids create values. What you perceive as lacking—and want more of—determines what you value. Significantly, this is a never-ending process. When one void is filled, another opens up, spurring you to new efforts—and new values. Indeed, some voids might never be filled. The artist hungry for self-expression, the mystic eager to know the secrets of the universe, the scientist ravenous for new knowledge, the person of service longing to help humanity—these people are driven by voids so great that their values become equally great. An entire lifetime might not be enough to fulfil their highest values.

Other voids can be filled more easily, so that the values they engender are left behind. A young man might feel a void of self-confidence, so that he values impressing others or proving to himself what he can do. Later in life, he feels more confident, and so his values shift to other areas—serving others, perhaps, or raising a family, or founding a new enterprise. A young woman feels a void of self-love, so she values relationships that feed her need to be admired. Later in life, she appreciates herself more fully, and so her values shift to other areas—deepening her romantic and family relationships, perhaps, or expressing herself, or exploring new ideas in science or business.

Thus, some of our values change throughout our lives. Others remain an essential part of who we are. Either way, however, your perceived voids determine your values—and your values shape your life. That is why understanding your highest values and organising your life to pursue them is the secret to living an inspired and fulfilling life.

The Power of True Values

If there is something that you believe you would love to have in your life—such as a more fulfilling career, a life partner, or greater financial freedom—I can tell you that the reason you don’t yet have it in that particular form is almost certainly that you don’t truly value it enough. There is something else you value more, and that is where your energy, time, money, and focus have gone, whether you are aware of it or not. When you truly value something, you are constantly on the lookout for opportunities to fulfil that value. You’ll notice people, places, things, ideas, or events to fulfil your value that another person will surely miss. You’ll mobilize your energy to take advantage of those opportunities. And you’ll bring all your mental, physical, and spiritual resources to bear to make sure that you fulfil what you truly seek.

Your highest values determine your attention, retention, and intention: what you notice, what you remember, and what you intend or act upon. We hear a lot these days about Attention Deficit Disorder—the difficulties some people seem to have in being attentive and focusing steadily. But all of us have some degree of Attention Deficit Disorder for the things we don’t value. For the things we do highly value, we have what I call Attention Surplus Order, which does a fabulous job of filtering your perceptions. Out of all the stimuli in your environment, the ones you notice are the ones that will help you fulfil your highest values. Your highest values will lead you to notice things that another person might miss—even if you tried to point it out!

Values Determine Your Attention

I experienced a striking example of the power of attention a few years ago when a close friend was driving us to her favorite sushi bar in Houston. We were on a block crowded with stores of all kinds, but out of that myriad of choices, my friend zeroed in on a new shoe boutique that hadn’t been there the last time she drove by. She not only picked that one tiny store out of the dozens of other boutiques on that busy block, she even noticed two or three particular pairs of especially desirable shoes in the shop window.

I, on the other hand, couldn’t for the life of me see that store, even when she tried to show me where it was. I didn’t share her high value for shoes, and so I couldn’t break through all the “noise” in the environment to see what had immediately attracted her. Her values gave her Attention Surplus Order for those shoes. My values made it virtually impossible for me to see them at all.

Values Determine Your Retention

Your highest values also affect what you remember, creating what I call “selective biased retention”. That is, you are far more likely to retain information that you believe will help you attain your highest values and to forget information that does not relate to those values. My friend, to continue with the previous example, will probably never forget the address of that shoe store. I probably wouldn’t remember it if you paid me. Her memory leads her to fulfil her higher values. My memory leads me to fulfil mine.

Values Determine Your Intention

Finally, your highest values create what I call “selective biased intention”, adding an extra power to those intentions that truly align with those most important values. If you place a high value on health, you’ll make sure you get to the gym, even if you have to give up some other pleasures to do so. If you place a higher value on “dressing for success”, you might skip the gym in order to stop by your favorite fine clothing store. If you want to know what you truly value, look at what you make time for. Your highest values lend power to those intentions, and so they are the ones you fulfil.

Think about the power we mobilize when we bring together attention, retention, and intention to fulfil our highest values! There is really no stopping us. A mother who has as her highest value her newborn child can sleep through a freight train and yet be awakened by the whimpering of her baby. A child who is immersed in a video game may not hear you ask, “How was school today?” but immediately looks up when you say, “Would you like to come with me to see that new movie you were talking about?” All of us have had the experience of forgetting the names of random guests at a party—except for that one attractive man or woman, whose every detail is vividly etched into our memories!

What we value most shapes how we process information, what we remember, and how we act, so that our minds, emotions, and intentions all work together to fulfil those most meaningful values.

This is why your true highest values are infinitely more powerful than any social idealisms and why it is so important not to allow social idealisms to cloud the clarity of your most inspiring values. When you are guided by social idealisms, you might try to do what you “should” or “ought to”—but if your attempts at maintaining attention, retention, and intention are not aligned with your highest values, you are likely to make only a half-hearted effort and you often will not remain focused. By contrast, when you seek to fulfil your highest values, you focus instantly on whatever helps you reach your goal and you mobilize every bit of your mind, body, and spirit to help you get there.

By becoming aware of your highest values, you mobilize your deepest power. It’s an unbeatable combination.

Identifying your values

“Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.”
—Confucius

Now that you understand the importance of values, it’s time to identify your own values—a process that could well be one of the most important actions you ever take. Identifying your highest values is your first step on the road to self-knowledge, self-love, and fulfillment of your life’s purpose; setting goals and intentions according to these highest values comes second. Unless your goals and intentions align with your highest values, they have little probability of being realized. You simply won’t mobilize the full power of physical, mental, and spiritual resources to bring those goals about.

Knowing your highest values is not only the key to self-knowledge and self-love; it is the means by which you can accomplish any goal you set—as long as it is a true expression of your highest values.

Passion Versus Highest Values

Because the way we talk about our lives has such tremendous impact on how we think and how we live, I’d like to take a moment to clarify a few terms. Ever since the 1985 publication of A Passion for Excellence by Tom Peters and Nancy Austin, the term “passion” has become increasingly popular. People often say, “I’ve got to find my passion” or “I’m looking for work or a relationship that I can be passionate about.” As a result, many have come to believe that the secret to an inspired life is passion.

“Passion,” however, is not a synonym for our highest values. “Passion” literally means “suffering.” It refers not to our most inspired or higher natures, but to our animal selves, the ungoverned, out-of-control emotions that often drive us toward immediate gratification, addiction, and other states that are by definition not aligned with our highest values. Passion often drives us to seek a kind of perpetual bliss that is unobtainable even as we strive to avoid unhappiness, challenges, discomfort, or suffering, which are ultimately unavoidable. So if you choose to live by your passion, you are not living according to your highest values. You are simply following the impulses and instincts of your animal nature, manifesting lust, greed, gluttony, sloth, and addiction—“passions” that can become significant obstacles to leading a fulfilled and inspired life. Indeed, when people live according to their lower values—when they follow other people’s values or subordinate themselves to social idealisms—they often seek immediate gratification, passion, or some other type of addictive pleasure. Instead of starting on the long, rewarding journey of inner fulfillment of their highest values, they seek instant gains and outer pleasures.

Follow Your Mission

Rather than being driven by passion, truly fulfilled human beings will follow their mission, inspired by their highest values and most integrated being. Just as your values are completely individual and unique to you, so is your mission the expression of your own unique contribution to the world. Discovering this mission—the contribution that only you can make—is the key to a life that can be meaningful beyond your wildest dreams.

How do you know whether you are living according to your true highest values? Just look at your life. That old saying “Actions speak louder than words” is especially true when it comes to values: our lives are constantly demonstrating what matters to us most.

For example, if you say you value health and wellbeing but haven’t managed to give up smoking, then there is almost certainly something you value more than health. Perhaps you value the relaxation that smoking brings, and you haven’t yet found anything that relaxes you as much. The relaxation may mean so much to you that you can’t bring yourself to give up smoking, even though you know it is bad for you. Or perhaps there are unconscious motives involved—perhaps your father smoked, and smoking makes you feel closer to him; or maybe your smoking was an early attempt to defy your mother and you still value the sense of independence and autonomy that you associate with this once forbidden activity.

Or, if you say you value financial independence but find yourself spending rather than saving and investing, then you almost certainly value something more than financial independence. Perhaps you like the idea of saving money but value the pleasure you get from indulging in a movie, a new possession, or a much needed vacation. Or again, you might have unconscious motives: you might associate saving with feeling restricted and tied down, while you associate spending with feeling powerful and fancy-free.

As I say to my clients, your life never lies. What you value most is what your life will reveal.

Unfortunately, most of us spend far too much time not consciously honoring our own highest values. Instead, we subordinate ourselves to other people’s values—or at least, we try. Perhaps we attempt to buy into the values of the family we grew up in, the community we were raised in, or the religious institution we have always belonged to. Often, we try to have it both ways. In private, we hold fast to our true highest values. In public, though, we try our best to act as though we accept the values of those whom we view as authority figures. We make sure our parents understand that we have absorbed their values of choosing security above all else, even if privately we long for a more creative or adventurous life. We make sure that the people who go to our mosque, church or temple understand that we follow all the rules of our religion, even if privately we harbor doubts or disagreements. We may not even expect to bring our outer and inner selves into alignment, but this attempted outer facade and inner repression takes its toll.

Anytime you expect yourself to live outside your own highest values, you will probably perceive your life as frustrating or even daunting as true meaning and fulfillment seem to elude you.

So let’s identify your true highest values! Use the six-step values determination process provided in the next section and take the first step towards fulfilling your destiny.

A version of this was first published in the September 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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