My Daughter Ran Away From School Too Often

There are as many reasons to run away from school as there are children who do it. It’s important to pay attention to school avoidance—it can be a serious cry for help—but truancy is not always as big a problem as parents and educators think it is.

One of my daughters—a curious, sociable, and energetic child—hated school from the age of three, when I enrolled her in nursery school. I worked from home, and she loved spending time there with me. She always had projects of her own that she wanted to work on, and she experienced school as a waste of her time. Her academic skills were advanced for her age, and continued to develop through pursuing her various interests. In kindergarten, she developed a bad case of ‘Monday Morning Sickness’—she’d be great all weekend, then fall terribly ill on Monday morning. If I kept her home from school, she’d be well by 10am, and get progressively ‘healthier’ as the week went on.

The details of my daughter’s school avoidance tactics changed as she got older, until she was truant more than she attended during one year of high school. This was terribly worrying for me, but I’m glad to say that this story has a happy ending. After many years of conflict between us, and countless attempts to find a good solution, she became an enthusiastic and successful university student. Finally, she was able to throw herself passionately into topics she found meaningful, at a depth and complexity she found challenging. Finally school was worth attending.

Understanding School Truancy

Is school truancy about a creative and independent spirit, a bad fit, or simply a cry for help?

In my counseling practice, I’ve worked with many parents who are concerned about a child’s attempts to avoid school, and I’ve learned there are many reasons for running away from school.

Running away from school can involve a bad fit between the child’s temperament or learning needs, and what is being provided at school, as was the case with my daughter. It can involve any one or more of a number of emotional issues, sometimes reflecting worries to do with family problems—divorce, neglect, economic uncertainty, illness or conflict at home. School truancy can also be a way to avoid having to do with social pressures, including bullies and problems with social skills. One solution is seeking teenage counseling, which provides teens with the tools and support they need to manage anxiety, stress, or other issues contributing to school avoidance

One of the most frequent reasons for school avoidance that I’ve seen in my private practice occurs when smart kids have serious learning issues, including attention problems, uneven skill development, learning disabilities.

School truancy issues are highly individual, and reflect particular circumstances. They’re different across children, and they also change over time, as kids develop. Some children run away from school when they’re young, but then later love it, as eventually occurred with my daughter. Others enjoy school when they’re young, but reach a point where they have no time or use for it. Sometimes kids in the latter category are going through a stage where they’re more interested in other things—social, creative, athletic or other interests—and sometimes they’re independent learners, and create alternative educational and career paths for themselves.

While sometimes children run away from school for a relatively simple and benign cause, other times it’s a serious cry for help.

9 Action Tips for Parents Whose Child Runs Away From School

1. Listen to your child

Ask questions, patiently and calmly, with the focus on understanding what’s happening. Try to look beyond this as a simple discipline problem, the fact that your child isn’t doing what he’s supposed to be doing. Let him do the talking. Listen actively to his answers. Try to remain open to what he’s saying, without judgement or criticism.

2. Do some soul-searching

Are there problems at home that might lead to your child needing more attention than she’s getting? Does she have worries you can help her with? Does she need help with social, emotional, or academic skills? Does she need more focused time with you when you’re not checking your phone or thinking about your next commitment?

3. Focus on collaborative problem-solving

Avoid anger and blame. Don’t stigmatize or punish, your child. Don’t waste your time feeling guilty. Look at the issue as a shared problem, one to address and solve with your child and others, including the child’s other parent, as well as teachers and administrators. Perhaps there are friends or family members who can offer some insight or help, a grandparent, sibling or someone else who knows your child and the situation.

4. Think about simple fixes

Would it help if the early morning getting-ready-for-school routine was made less rushed? Maybe you could get up 30 minutes earlier and have some easy time together before school starts. Would it help if the after-school arrangements were different? Is there anything you can do to smooth the end of the day for your child? How about if you were more actively involved in the school, perhaps doing some volunteer work on a regular basis?

5. Talk to the teacher

How does the teacher see the problem? What strengths and challenges has he or she identified that might lead to your child not wanting to go to school? Does the teacher like your child? When you’re in the school, does it feel like a positive environment for your child?

6. Think about an assessment

Your child may be experiencing a psychological or cognitive problem you’re not aware of, perhaps an undiagnosed attention deficit or learning disability. It can be easier for a child to run than to deal with a circumstance where people are telling him he’s not living up to his potential, where he’s working hard but not getting very far.

7. Look for signs of serious problems

There are many less serious concerns that lead to kids running away from school, but truancy sometimes results from involvement with drugs, alcohol or sexual activity. It can also reflect experiences of bullying and social rejection or neglect, whether from teachers, peers or both.

8. Be creative

Consider changing classrooms or teachers. Think about home-schooling possibilities [which can be done collaboratively with other parents, or as part-time supplements to school]. Explore reducing or increasing your child’s academic load. Think about giving her days off—maybe one ‘mental health day’ for each four or nine days she attends. For some kids, the fact their parents are willing to consider alternatives like these is enough to ease the strain they’re feeling and help them move toward a solution.

9. Give your child as much control over the problem as you can

Do some problem-solving together, and be respectful of the solutions he generates. Work with him so she feels ownership over solutions and a partner in your actions moving forward. Ask he what she thinks will help, and give that a try if at all possible.

Summing Up

Ultimately, school avoidance is not a one-size-fits-all problem, and it’s crucial to approach it with understanding, creativity, and collaboration. By listening to your child, addressing any underlying concerns, and seeking appropriate support when needed, you can help them find a path that works for their unique needs. For some, it may be a phase that passes, while for others, it might signal the need for long-term adjustments. Either way, focusing on their wellbeing and being open to alternative approaches can lead to a more positive outcome for both the child and the family.

Before you go…

You might also like to read » Why Children Lie and What You Can Do About It

A version of this article first appeared in the July 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing magazine (print edition).

The post Understanding School Truancy: Navigating the Reasons and Finding Solutions appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

I have observed that I always label something as a ‘mistake’ in hindsight—it’s as if I don’t approve of a decision or behaviour. In other words, it means that I don’t identify with the act, that it is not really me. As I understand them, my mistakes help me to know who I am. Because unless I know who I am not, I cannot know fully who I am. Seen this way, every mistake takes me a step closer to understanding who I am. Sometimes I may temporarily forget who I am. At such times, my mistakes remind me of my truth and bring me back home.

This means that when I become aware of a having committed blunder, instead of reprimanding myself or feeling guilty [which does nothing other than keep me focussed on the past], I should be thankful that my very recognition of it has helped me uncover an aspect of myself. I call this the divine paradox of mistakes. For, when I notice that I have hurt the feelings of another, it makes me aware of my intrinsic compassion. Or when I feel unhappy about a spell of anger or irritation, instead of feeling self-critical, I view it as a sign that, at the core, I value composure. So each time I hurt someone, I become even more compassionate than before; each and every time I lose my calm, I am a step closer to more calmness. This is how I discover who I am and who I am not.

Every mistake takes me a step closer to understanding who I am

This fresh way of looking at mistakes—as a process of self-discovery, rather than something worth condemnation—has many benefits. It propels me into living more fully, taking more risks and being open to experimenting with life. Decisions too come more easily to me as I am no longer afraid of making mistakes. After all, what’s the worst that can happen? Either I’ll succeed or I’ll learn more about myself. What’s more, viewing mistakes as signposts makes me more tolerant and understanding of others’ mistakes too. I now know that, just like me, they too are only on the path of discovering themselves.

Of course, only spontaneous acts, devoid of any prior knowing or intent, can be called mistakes and are useful. If I knowingly commit a mistake, it will not aid my self-discovery. In fact, such a deed cannot be called a mistake at all. It is just a clever way my ego may disguise its selfish goals, and later defend it by calling it a mistake.

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“Anyone who stops learning is old, whether at twenty or eighty. Anyone who keeps learning stays young. The greatest thing in life is to keep your mind young.”
—Henry Ford

Have you given up on learning new skills, even though you know they will bring great value to you, just because of the time and effort involved? Do you use the I-don’t-have-any-time excuse for justifying stagnancy in your learning and knowledge? Chances are that you believe that you can never get good at something unless you put in hundreds, if not thousands, of hours of practice. Perhaps you know about (or have heard of) Malcolm Gladwell’s 10,000 hours rule, which states that one needs at least 10,000 hours of practice to become proficient at something.

Well, that may be true if you want to achieve a level of unparalleled mastery. For example, if you want to be able to compete with Tiger Woods, you will likely need to spend hours on the golf course daily, for years together. But for most of us, the goal is to get good enough to enjoy doing it and to make it work for us, says Josh Kaufman, the author of The First 20 Hours. According to him, we don’t need loads of time and effort to learn anything new: a new sport, a foreign language, computer programming, music instrument or whatever else you wish to learn.

Josh believes that you can get good at anything you set your mind on; all you need is 20 hours of focussed work that includes research, understanding and practice. In this candid interview with Jonathan Fields, founder of Good Life Project, he outlines five steps that can take you to a reasonable level of proficiency. Watch the video now, then embark on an exciting new learning trip.

About Josh Kaufman

Josh Kaufman is an acclaimed business, learning, and skill acquisition expert. He is the author of two international bestsellers: The Personal MBA and The First 20 Hours. Josh’s research and writing have helped millions of people worldwide learn the fundamentals of modern business.

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Every experience helps a child to grow emotionally. As a Child Health Nurse, my knowledge of child development told me that early experiences in life lay the foundation for further learning. Different experiences are critical at different ages for optimal brain development.

Every experience matters

How do you know which experience will be life altering for your child? Ultimately all children benefit from getting out into the big wide world and experiencing places, people and life challenges beyond their own backyard. The benefits of their experiences may not be seen immediately if you are travelling with young children, but remember, all experiences build to form children’s brains and the people they grow to become. Maybe a trip to the Great Wall of China might trigger a desire to study Mandarin and Chinese History or a trip to the Great Barrier Reef might spark a lifelong career in marine biology and environmental tourism.

My favourite quote is written on the wall of a backpacker’s hostel in Barcelona, Spain: “Travel is the best university.” Travel should have an element of challenge that can be embraced and teach children flexibility and patience. Travelling with children overseas to a five star resort where they spend their time in kids’ club, eating hot dogs and fries at every meal is unlikely to add value to a child’s development compared to a trip to a distant city where you can explore the sights, sounds, tastes on foot and by using public transport.

No such thing as ideal age

Travelling with children is not an easy feat. It doesn’t matter whether you are planning a short local beach holiday or an epic multi-country adventure. Kids are kids wherever you take them. If they are fussy eaters at home then they will be fussy eaters on the other side of the world. That doesn’t mean you should sit at home waiting for their manners to kick in. I asked Patrick, my nine-year old son, when the best time to travel with children is. His reply, “When they can follow instructions and not have hissy fits.” My response, “That means we can’t take your teenage brother anywhere for a while!”

From my experience I believe that there is no best age to travel with children. All ages and stages of children’s development have pros and cons when it comes to travelling. Plan your travel so that you build on your child’s current level of skills and abilities. Babies are portable and generally easy travel companions; toddlers are tricky and certainly dictate heavily on how and where you travel for their own safety; preschoolers are more aware of the world and have some self-help skills and budding independence; primary school kids can carry their own backpack and be quite adaptable; teenagers go back to being tricky. A fine balance between their needs and wants must be considered to keep family travel harmonious.

Why my kids thought travel is good for them

I asked my two sons, experienced world travellers that they are, why they thought travel was good for kids. They put a great deal of thought into their answers and were amazingly similar in their views. I truly couldn’t have put it any better myself. Harris, aged 13, believes that travel helps you realise you are just one of seven billion people in the world. He quoted a Cambodian saying, “Same same but different”; meaning everyone in the world is different but ultimately we are all the same. He said you realise that “…there is more in the world than just the little town that you live in; that money isn’t everything. Your head becomes filled with stories.”

Patrick, wiser than his nine years, said, “Travelling teaches you not to judge a book by its cover; people might sound different, speak a different language, dress and look different but we are all people.” He also said kids get better grades in school if they travel!

Involve them

Whether you explore you own “backyard” or go further afield, travelling with kids should be enjoyable and ultimately educational. Let your kids be as much a part of the planning as their age permits. Kids go at a slower pace than adults, so remember this when scheduling your days. Allow time for kids to take in their new environment. A wonder of travelling with children is that you get to view the world through two sets of eyes, adult eyes and the eyes of your children. Your child will not remember everything they see and do over the years but have confidence that their experiences will make them well rounded, caring, empathetic citizens of the world.

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In the first study, older drivers (over 70) were compared with younger experienced drivers (25 to 55) who were both navigating an actual vehicle through a simulated world projected on displays outside the vehicle.  Drivers approached three different intersections and had to turn. In one, a hill across the main street intersection obscured a possibly approaching car. In the others—turning from a side street onto a main street or vice-versa—trees and curves blocked views of other oncoming cars. The older drivers scanned the danger zone (the region from which a plausible threat could emerge) less often and for significantly shorter times both while approaching and completing the turn —compromising safety.

Another study tested the effects of a training program. Older drivers, randomly divided into three groups, were videotaped while driving their cars from home to a destination of their choice. That’s all one group did.  Another, “passive training” group got a 30 to 40 minute lecture about the hazards of intersections and the proper way to scan while turning.  The third group watched a video replay of their driving and received feedback (most identified their mistakes before they were pointed out). They then practiced proper scanning and turning on a driving simulator and listened to the same lecture. In a post-test, there was no difference between the first two groups. The third, however, drove as well as younger experienced drivers. Twelve months later, the effects of training had not worn off.

The researchers believe that older drivers, fearful of hitting something ahead of them, develop a habit of extreme caution in driving, but looking mostly straight ahead. This strategy fails at intersections, where collisions usually involve a car coming from the side. “We’re not claiming this is a cure-all for every problem,” says Pollatsek. But in this situation, with drivers of normal vision and cognitive abilities, “the training has a huge effect.”

Pollatsek, 71, is officially an older driver. But he hasn’t had an accident since he was 25. “Like most people,” he says, “I think I’m a great driver.”

Source: http://www.psychologicalscience.org/index.php/news/releases/older-drivers-can-be-trained-to-avoid-car-crashes.html

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