How is Sexual Electricity Created

“Man represents positive and woman the negative, counterparts of a single phenomenon. Masculine and feminine energies are equal and opposite forces,” says Diana Richardson in her book, The Love Keys. And what happens when a positive node meets the negative? Electricity happens. Current flows.

So when we move with each other, touch each other, we exchange current — or sexual electricity.

“The thrills and pleasures of sex and love were caused by the transmission and reception of currents of “animal magnetism,” or “vital electricity,” which could be conveyed by contact or passes from one human body to another,” says American individualist anarchist J William Lloyd in his book, The Karezza Method.

Sexual Electricity is Experienced as High-voltage Jolt

The concept of sex as energy is not new. Eastern traditions of Taoism and Tantra that date back several thousand years are based on it. They prescribe sexual techniques for harnessing sexual energy for intimacy, health and longevity. In fact, Tantra means ‘transformation of energy’. The tantric teachings are based on the circulation and merging of vital energy [chi or prana] between two people. “In the grand scheme of our energetic anatomy, our electromagnetic energy plays a role as well. During intimate contact, the two are transferred and circulated simultaneously,” writes Dr William Collinge in Subtle Energy: Awakening to the Unseen Forces in Our Lives. “Both kissing and sexual intercourse involve contact of moist mucous membranes, and moisture facilitates particularly strong and efficient electrical conductivity,” he says.

We have all experienced it. We remember our first kiss. Don’t we? That is because when we kiss a person we are attracted to for the first time, we feel a high-voltage jolt. A jolt that passes through our entire body, nerve endings included.

How Do You Build the Charge for Sex to Be Electric

So for sex to be electric, we need to slowly build the current. And love, not lust, is the ingredient that does it. When we touch each other with love, the current resonates not just in the skin, but deep inside the heart.

Experiments conducted by American psychiatrist and psychologist, Rudolf von Urban revealed that there is a bio-energetic potential difference between sexually charged males and females which requires about half an hour to be exchanged and reach an equilibrium.

In one of Urban’s experiment, a medical doctor and his young Arabian bride caressed each other naked for about an hour without sexual contact in a dark room. The doctor later reported that he saw the body of his wife surrounded by a greenish-blue hazy light. Moving his palm close to her breast a visible and audible electric spark jumped from the breast to the palm. Scientist Baron Karl von Reichenbach too had previously described a similar phenomenon. Sadly, scientists didn’t take him seriously.

Igniting Sexual Electricity Between You and Your Partner

Science defines magnet as an object that is surrounded by a magnetic field and has the property, either natural or induced to attract.

We have a magnetic field around us, and the ability to attract. That means we are magnets. And like magnets, we too we have both negative and positive nodes within us.

There is a man in every woman and a woman in every man. Tantra encourages accepting that, for a truly wholesome sexual experience. “You are half your mother and half your father and they both co-exist within you. When they meet within, ecstasy happens,” says Osho.

When you feel sexual electricity with someone, their individual bio-energies create an ecstatic sexual experience through the interplay of opposite polarities. In The Karezza Method, a book about harnessing our sexual energy for health and prolonged pleasure, J William Lloyd, gives interesting pointers. “Cultivate the art of magnetic touch,” he says.

Think of yourself as an electric battery capable of transmitting an electric current. Touch each other in a way that transmits a vivid electric current and thrills the partner.

In Lovemaking, Slow Is Magic

The key is to focus on the way we touch—with love. If we learn to focus our sexual energies on touching, there can be sparks flying out when we make love, literally. It has happened. You can also take it to the next level by finding out what a dildo is? This can help you magnify the collided energy as one being.

In another of Von Urban’s experiment, a couple caressed for an hour and then had orgasmic intercourse for less than 27 minutes, sparks started and still moved between them till the end. For sparks to happen the pair caressed for a full 60 minutes. Remember what Von Urban had said? — “The bio-energetic potential difference requires about half an hour to be exchanged and reach equilibrium”.

The lesson: If you want to generate sexual electricity, touch with love, don’t rush.

Electric Intercourse

Logic dictates that when two fully charged bars collide, they will blast. But we don’t want our circuits to short. We want the current to flow and light us up. So, for the glow, go slow. Besides we are actually harming ourselves when we rush through intercourse.

According to Urban, a short intercourse eliminated the tension in the sexual organs but increased tension in the rest of their bodies.

Also, the electric charge is distributed across the body, not just the genitals, which is good. Because that means we can experience pleasure all over.

We must open our minds to that thought. For instance, our eyes can play a very big role in our energy exchange. “A gaze that stays overtime awakens primal, slightly disturbing feelings. It induces the same ‘fight or flight’ chemicals that race through our veins when we feel infatuation— a tingling sensation,” writes Leil Lowndes, internationally recognized communications expert and in her book, How to make anyone fall in love with you.

Also, use the feet. They are the most erogenous part of the body. Through the feet we can indirectly stimulate: nipples, breasts, ovaries, penis, and vagina. Our whole body is a magnet. Use it.

Ecstasy Through Control

For most of us, electric sex means making love like animals and then collapsing exhausted. That’s not what Eastern traditions believe.

Both Tantra and Taoism believe that sex relates to our vital energy. When we make love, not only are our bio-magnetic energies at play, but also our vital energies—the energy that runs through our entire being. Tantra believes that ejaculation wastes energy and robs the woman of her potential multiple orgasms.

Toaism believes that when a man ejaculates, he depletes his vital energy because his sperms carry jing or the sexual essence and life force. Now you know why men fall asleep afterwards? In fact, some immediately drop and start to snore.

The aim of Tantric and Toaist sexual practices is to energize us and not exhaust us. Sex should bring us alive, charge us in ways where we can enjoy not just the experience, but life as well.

In the modern world, Wilhelm Reich was the first scientist to describe the nature and purpose of orgasm as a discharge of excess bio-energy with the additional liberation of feeling energy [in the mid-1930s]. He also recognized the negative consequences of blocked sexual energies.

The Karezza Method too advocates non-seminal intercourse in which men have to hold back just before ejaculation. It increases pleasure, stamina, vitality and longevity.

It is not surprising for practitioners of Tao, Tantra or Karezza to have intercourse sometimes lasting an hour. Not foreplay, but intercourse. Because they take it slow. Men are encouraged to hold back, women to let go. It’s done with love. Lovemaking is a joint effort, a merging of two energies. When we make love this way, all chakras open up and all barriers break. The result: an energetic union of bodies and inseparable fusion of minds.

Bonus Section: Quick Tips for Electric Sex

Sex is not instant noodles. For sex to be really electric and energizing, it needs to be approached as an art. Such sex will help you feel complete together. Here are some Tantric techniques for electric sex…

Don’t rush

Spend at least half an hour in foreplay, touching each other, enjoying the sensations.

Hold back [This one is especially for men]

Try not to ejaculate every time. It results in a tremendous turn-around in the vital energy.

Make lovemaking an experience, not a chore

Stop focusing on pleasing each other or your performance. Focus on how it feels.

Breathe together

Take longer filling breaths. Try and circulate your energy together, as one energetic whole.

Try kissing the back of the knee

Gently massage or kiss the acupressure point at the back of the knee, just between the ligaments for stimulation when you are making love.

Give your partner a big O

Give your love a big O by placing pressure along the tendons of the shoulder, just beside the neck. As your partner reaches climax, gently massage the shoulders to stimulate a longer and more satisfying orgasm.

An older version of this article appeared in the February 2009 issue of Complete Wellbeing magazine (print edition).

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“The magic of first love is our ignorance that it can ever end.”
—Benjamin Disraeli

You had the good vibes going. You were high from the love potions coursing through your body. You were humming all the crazy-in-love songs you’ve ever heard, and for once they made total sense. You had created the honeymoon effect with the love of your life, and you knew that this time it was going to last forever.

Except, it didn’t!

It all came crashing down, and you were left devastated and obsessed with what might have been. And puzzled: how could something so magical degenerate into endless, bickering recriminations, and if you were married, divorce court?

After all, you wanted it to work. You believed it would work. Maybe The Biology of Belief works for other people, you’re thinking, but it doesn’t for you. Yes it does! But there’s a catch, which explains why positive thinking and believing, by themselves, don’t work.

A relationship created by the conscious mind

The catch is that when you bonded so closely with your partner during those first blissful days and months, your behaviours and actions were controlled by the processing of your conscious mind. The conscious mind is the ‘creative’ mind, the one that acts on behalf of your wishes and desires. So when the conscious minds of two lovers entangle, together they create magical harmony. Because honeymoon partners are operating from their deepest wishes and desires, the outcome of their interactions is… voilà, heaven on earth!

However, over time, your conscious mind becomes burdened with thoughts dealing with the busy-ness of everyday life—balancing your budget, scheduling your chores and planning your weekend. The processing of the conscious mind shifts from creating the honeymoon experience, to the management and strategies, needed to deal with perceived necessities. The result is that the conscious mind relinquishes behavioural control to default programmes previously stored in the subconscious mind.

How our subconscious mind wreaks relationships

When it comes to partners, there are suddenly four instead of two minds involved. And these two ‘extra’ subconscious minds can wreak havoc on happily-ever-after relationships. When our conscious minds stop paying attention to the moment, we lose control over our honeymoon creation because we unknowingly engage in preprogrammed behaviours we acquired through our developmental experiences. For many couples, once that subconscious programming comes to the fore, the honeymoon glow fades very quickly.

That’s not surprising because the behaviours programmed in the subconscious mind are primarily derived from observing and downloading other people’s behaviours [many of them negative and disempowering]—especially those of your parents, immediate family, community and culture. You start seeing a side of your partner [and yourself] that never emerged during the honeymoon. When the conscious mind stops paying attention to the current moment, you automatically and most importantly, unconsciously engage in behaviours you downloaded from others.

Programmes we learn from our parents

Here’s a scenario that may be all too familiar to you.

You’re basking in the honeymoon effect, full of love for your supportive partner who lights up your life. Then one day you ask him a simple, loving question. He’s not thinking about how good your relationship is. His conscious mind is preoccupied with fixing the car or paying the rent, so he responds reflexively and nastily with a tone that says, “Leave me alone.” Shocked, you respond: “Who are you?”

You have just experienced the moment when honeymoons generally begin to fall apart. He responded so unconsciously that he didn’t even notice how nasty he was. And in his response to what he perceives as a personal ‘attack’ on his character, he starts digging in his heels to defend himself to the death. He’s thinking, she accused me of not being me. I’m the same me I’ve always been. I don’t know what she’s talking about. What’s her problem?

Meanwhile, you’re thinking, where is the loving man I married? Your conscious mind detaches from the current moment, to assess the unpleasant situation in which you now find yourself. Unbeknownst to you, you also unconsciously default to your own formerly hidden subconscious behaviours that you acquired from your family and culture. Now it’s your partner’s turn to be shocked, as his once loving spouse shifts into criticism and blame, as well as other less than loving programmes you downloaded from your parents.

As the daily issues of life increasingly occupy your and your partner’s conscious minds, more disharmonious unconscious behaviour patterns begin to rise to the surface. Soon you both shift from appreciating your partner, to focussing on his or her periodic nasty outbursts. Both you and your partner turn defensive and begin to critique the other’s faults: he never cleans up, she never puts the cap on the toothpaste and so on. All the things you ignored in the first glow of love now start to bug you.

If you met through an online dating service, both of you want your money back! He/she didn’t fill out the questionnaire honestly! But actually, you both filled it out in good faith. You both filled it out consciously—and that’s the rub. Your thoughtful submissions from your conscious minds truly represent the people you aspire to be. Unfortunately, the character of the ‘you’ who answered the questionnaire normally expresses itself only about five per cent of the time. What both partners failed to include in their surveys were the sabotaging and limiting subconscious programmes they acquired from others, which all of us unconsciously engage in about 95 per cent of the time.

Trying to find love again

With the appearance of uninvited behaviours, 95 per cent of the time you and your partner have most definitively left the honeymoon and are back on the road of conventional life. If any of these heretofore unseen, destructive and disturbing behaviours had surfaced on the first day of your relationship, there probably would not have been a second day. Now you’re wondering if you should lower your expectations and accept what your relationship has become because “This is the way life is and I have to accept the bad with the good.” Or will the many compromises you make as you adjust to abusive behaviour become so intolerable that your once seemingly unbreakable bond shatters? You say, “The hell with this. I can’t do this.” And then you go out [again] and try to find what you once had.

The culprit for this repeating cycle is invisible: it’s the behaviours programmed in you and your partner’s subconscious minds. Your conscious mind sent you on the quest to find a loving partner and rejoiced when you found the one, yet your subconscious mind is destroying what you’ve created. But once you know that you’re dealing with four minds in the relationship, and once you know how to change the negative programming of your subconscious minds, you will have the tools to recreate what you’ve lost.

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• Identify the issues
• Set goals
• Implement strategies

Relationship issues can quickly become complicated, causing frustration through lack of insight. Many couples try but feel as though they can’t ‘fix’ the relationship so they emotionally disconnect or, in some cases, separate. This crisis time, however, is ideal for a thorough assessment. If you need help, here’s how to put your relationship under the spotlight.

1  Identify the issues in your marriage:

Think about your life, work hours, weekly activities, children and your stressors. When did things become challenging? How do you treat each other? How do you argue, and how often? Who avoids arguments, who becomes silent and who yells or intimidates? Do you notice any patterns such as: mother puts children first versus emotionally withdrawn father, spontaneous partner versus predictable partner, cat and dog couple [high conflict] or the highly competitive couple? Have you had an affair, or face excessive control or abuse? What is your sex life like? Delve into your childhood challenges, and also think about the communication styles you witnessed in your parent’s relationship? Is additional therapy needed for addiction, workaholism, parenting problems, grief, anger, post-traumatic stress disorder [PTSD] or mental health issues like depression? By ‘going deep’, you can discover the contributing factors in your relationship issues and equip yourself with specific strategies.

2  Set goals:

In solution-focussed therapy, counsellors use the ‘Miracle Questions’ to establish a client’s goals. Ask yourself: a magic wand was waved over this relationship, and it became exactly as I want it when I wake tomorrow, how would it differ from today? When asked, many say, “I would be happy.” Some want ‘fireworks’, and others say, “I would have romance, dating and be in love with my partner again.” Many clients say, “I would have peace. We would all get along well.” Clear goals are vital to success.

What are your relationship goals?

3  Implement strategies:

Irrespective of how complex your issues might be, there same basic tools that you can use to work on your marriage.

The 30 minute rule

Spend at least 30 minutes together per day—quality time—with no distractions such as computers, phones, children or work; enjoy being focussed entirely on each other. Often couples new to therapy have said, “We don’t have time for each other.” One client, when asked to write his life’s priorities down, put his wife 7^th on his list! It was no wonder his marriage was in turmoil. If your spouse and family are your highest priorities, then spend time every day enjoying them. This will keep you united, fulfilled, improve your sex life, reduce your chances of an affair and contribute to your happiness. It doesn’t have to be a chunk of time spent in one go. Spend 10 minutes here, 15 minutes there—spend time first thing in the morning with the family. You can spend time with your spouse when your children are in bed, and have your family time during meals—without the television. In short, become connected again.

Treat your partner like a lover—not a spouse

This step is magical! If you treat your partner like a prince, he will treat you like a princess—eventually. Every word, voice tone, facial expression and every gesture, impacts your relationship profoundly. This step is the fastest way I know to transform a relationship. Become your own editor. Listen, and actively change the way you interact with your spouse. Are your words loving, kind, attentive, compassionate and respectful?  For inspiration, observe new couples.

Stop finding fault and start praising

Many couples that first sit on my couch are filled with complaints. They have become in the habit of complaining about their partner to friends and family, and are viewing their relationship as a glass that is half empty. If you keep looking at your partner through these ‘negative glasses’, you’ll poison the relationship with negativity. Sure, in struggling relationships it’s only human to over-focus on the negative aspects. But this is not helpful because the negative simply flourishes. Make a list of your partner’s strengths and then focus on these. Based on the law of attraction, when we change our energy to positive, we attract more positive experiences—and our relationship is no different. It is astounding how fast a relationship can improve when couples stop criticising and start praising. I have seen couples who were separated rekindle their love and move back in together using this skill.

Manage conflict better

Some couples feel uncomfortable when I explain that arguing is good for marriage. If you don’t have good conflict management skills, and don’t stand up for yourself, you can easily develop resentment from unspoken words, unmet needs and anger that is not discussed. Couples who are not arguing often state they feel caged in, controlled or oppressed. Do you argue well? If not, follow these steps:

1. Don’t have discussions when you are feeling infuriated and your blood is boiling. Wait until you cool down and schedule a meeting.
2. Have this meeting before you go to sleep [as sleeping with inflamed emotions will only aggravate the situation].
3. Conduct this meeting in a quiet place with no distractions. You may use a writing pad as you both take turns in speaking and listening.
4. Discuss the issues in a direct manner. Use assertiveness techniques, by stating needs, wants and feelings from the “I” stance, such as: “I need…” “I want…” or “I feel…”  Do not blame your spouse. For example, instead of saying: “You make me feel lonely” or “You’re always working,” you could say, “I feel lonely” or “I need quality time with you.” In family therapy, direct communication is the most effective… so become direct.
5. Keep the feeling neutral. Do not yell, swear, storm out or become aggressive. Only argue when calm, to avoid nasty words and aggression that you may later regret.

You may need a little extra help assessing your relationship from either a self-help book or a relationship counsellor, to help you identify areas for improvement, set your goals and learn new relationship strategies. Using simple strategies works best to keep your marriage growing. Transforming a relationship from unhappy to blissful is achieved one day at a time, one positive thought at a time, with one interaction at a time! Don’t give up on love. Relationships are hard work, but when you know what to work on, this ‘work’ will be a lot of fun!

This was first published in the March 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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No doubt, we want a partnership where we get along well, share common interests, and enjoy emotional satisfaction and sexual fulfilment. Perhaps there is a deeper spiritual quality of intimacy that we sense is possible, but are not sure how to nourish.

Spirituality and meditation are usually seen as an individual practice—a path toward inner peace or enlightenment. But how deep is our spiritual attainment if it doesn’t embody how we relate to one another? What needs to happen within ourselves and between us as a couple in order to actualise our longing for a deeper spiritual connection?

A spiritually-oriented partnership offers an opportunity to open our heart, deepen our compassion, and expand our connection with life through the vehicle of intimate partnership.

These are a few ways that can help you develop spiritual intimacy with your beloved

1. Seeing our partner with fresh eyes

We want to be recognised for the precious, radiant beings that we are. To ‘see’ our partner means glimpsing their beautiful essence; it means to appreciate the blessing of engaging with the sacred life force that flows through them. Viewing our partner with fresh and engaging eyes draws our loved one towards us.

Seeing another also means dealing with their humanity—attending to their feelings and needs. When our intention is to understand and accept our partner, he or she can sense our interest and caring. But love is more than good intentions; it thrives in a climate of non-judgmental attention. Love fosters a deeper intimacy as we extend our compassionate attention toward another’s world just as it is.

What you can do

One way to put your good intentions into practice is by making gentle inquiries, such as, “Please help me understand more how you are feeling about that. What do you need or want? Tell me more about what is happening inside you. I really want to understand you better.” Asking sincere questions with a tender tone of voice means putting aside your own judgments or ideas about your loved one. Empty yourself of preconceptions and remain open to surprises. Inquiring with wonder and curiosity creates a sacred space for a deeper intimacy to unfold.

2. Allowing ourselves to be seen

We allow ourselves to be seen; we take intelligent risks to reveal what’s in our heart. This means tenderly sharing our feelings when we are hurt, sad, lonely, or afraid. Building a relationship based on a sacred trust means feeling free to reveal what is vulnerably alive inside us. Trust means that we don’t need to hide.

Most people realise that good communication is the lifeblood of a healthy relationship; but effective communication is possible only if we are self-aware. This implies that we courageously reveal what we’re experiencing inside without blaming, shaming or attacking.

What you can do

Instead of an angry, critical comment such as, “Why do you always come home late? I never see you anymore,” take the time to pause, go inside, and mindfully uncover what you’re really feeling: “I’m missing you; I feel sad that we haven’t had much time together; I need more relaxed time with you.” This self-revealing communication is more likely to draw our partner toward us.

3. Living with an accessible, authentic heart

Seeing another person and letting ourselves to be seen require that we live with an open and accessible heart. This means getting out of our head and staying connected with our body.

A meditation or spiritual practice can help us build our relationships by making us feel more centred in our spiritual depths. Once we find inner stillness, we have more attention available for sacred listening—attuning to what our partner is experiencing. Rather than using meditation to withdraw from intimacy, we find a rhythm between attending to ourselves, which allows us to feel more peaceful, and attending to our partner from a calm and balanced place.

Resting in our quiet depths and undefended heart, we’re more able to be present with another person. Deep mutual presence opens the door to a deeply abiding and nourishing intimacy. Being together and breathing together opens us to share the sacred mystery of being alive.

What you can do

One way to connect more deeply with yourself is through a method called Focusing. This is a type of mindfulness practice developed through Dr Eugene Gendlin’s research at the University of Chicago in the 1970s. Similar to Vipassana, the essence of Focusing is being gently present with all your emotions. Make room for the full range of your feelings and longings just as they are—free of self-judgment. Accepting and honouring yourself as you are creates a foundation for accepting your partner ’as they are’. It helps you to honour your differences and cherish each other.

4. Letting in love

Many of us have blocks to receiving deeply. We may think we’re being selfish if we allow ourselves to receive love. Or, we might feel shame to relish intimate contact because we think we don’t deserve it or we’re simply not accustomed to it.

What you can do

It’s a gift to your partner to receive what he or she offers. They feel valued when their attention, love, and eye contact is received graciously. When you relish a sacred moment of giving and receiving, the line between the giver and receiver disappears. A new spiritual depth opens as giving and receiving flows simultaneously through you and your beloved.

It takes courage to uncover and reveal our deepest longings and authentic feelings. As two people practise this path with a patient and sincere heart, a sweet and tender spiritual intimacy unfolds. As an added bonus, as we develop the awareness and skills to connect with each other, we help build a world that is more peaceful and responsive to each other’s tender hearts.

This was first published in the November 2014 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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Blame It on Upbringing

On hearing her story, we asked her whether she could empathize with the fact that it was the rigid upbringing that had caused Mahesh’s sexual repression, which in turn resulted in wild fantasies that were now creating the intimacy problems in their marriage. She understood it, and agreed to give her marriage a second chance if Mahesh too would engage in counseling.

During the course of the session with Mahesh, we gently helped him to see the connections his past and his fantasies had with the current marital problems. Gradually, he was able to disengage from his dysfunctional past and fantasy world and find fulfillment in the ‘real’ relationship. He established normal healthy sexual relationships with his wife, and the marriage was saved.

The Root Cause

From adolescence onward, most people have sexual fantasies that serve a variety of functions and result in a wide range of responses within the individual. Some are pleasant or stimulating; others are confusing, embarrassing or even shocking.

Sexual fantasies occur in an astonishingly wide variety of circumstances and settings. Sometimes these imaginative interludes are intentionally called forth to enliven a boring experience, to pass the time, or to provide a sense of excitement. At other times, sexual fantasies float into awareness in a seemingly random fashion, perhaps triggered by feelings and thoughts of which we have little or no awareness.

Fantasizing allows individuals to escape from the frustrations and limits of everyday living. Often, a person returns to a particular preferred fantasy again and again, and gets comfortable with or even addicted to it. Occasionally, s/he may play out minor variations in the fantasy, but by and large the central theme remains fixed.

The Other Side

Sometimes, these preferential fantasies may become troublesome—because of its repeated and exclusive nature, such a fantasy becomes mandatory for sexual arousal. The person doesn’t respond sexually to the partner, since arousal depends on fantasy alone. Sometimes, preferential fantasies can become obsessions that may interfere with behavior or the thinking-feeling process.

Further, not all sexual fantasies are willfully conjured up or pleasurable. Some fantasies recur over and over again despite being unwanted. Other fantasies flood into the individual’s awareness in a frightening fashion, producing inner turmoil or conflict and feelings of guilt and shame. Fantasies of this sort may either result in sexual arousal, or may be so distressing that sexual feelings may shut off.

Where It All Begins

During adolescence, boys and girls start growing to become sexually mature and start developing ‘secondary sexual characteristics’. A lot of psychological and emotional changes start happening rather rapidly during this time. Strong sexual feelings and thoughts start crossing the psyche rather erratically. Unusual and unexpected sexual dreams, strong physical attraction for the opposite sex, overwhelming urges to associate, relate, connect and impress the opposite sex are experienced.

These psychological and emotional changes are more ‘body and sex’ oriented for boys and more ‘heart and romance’ oriented for girls. During the initial 3 to 4 years of adolescence when boys are around 12 to 16 years old, they find themselves getting sexually attracted to actresses, models and every other attractive woman around [usually all these are older to them]. In spite of strong sexual urges, they find themselves helpless as these women, being older, show little or no sexual interest in them.

Even girls who are just two or three years older to them find themselves getting attracted to older men and thus ignore them. This frustrates the boys. It is this stage that provokes fantasies, which come handy in taking care of the sexual upsurges. They appear safe, can be elicited at any time and place, are free, and can be modified at will to suit one’s fancies.

Getting Lost in Fantasies

The yearning to know about something not yet experienced, forbidden or seemingly unattainable is often a key feature of sexual fantasies. Although it is only a make-believe excursion of the mind, fantasies do help young adults find temporary relief, excitement, adventure, self-confidence and pleasure. Through fantasy, the real, unfavorable world can be transformed into whatever s/he likes, no matter how brief or improbable it might be.

In this sense, in the growing years of early adulthood, fantasies are a useful mechanism. However, with every pleasure comes the very real possibility of a person getting obsessed with or addicted to, and losing conscious control over the phenomenon. The same device that was so useful when single, can become an impediment and an obstacle once in a committed relationship.

Generally, imagination, creativity and playfulness are part of the act of fantasizing. However, if a fantasy becomes the controlling force in a person’s life, the play element may get completely lost. This situation is not different from the person who gets so caught up in a competitive sport that the playful side of the sport activity is totally lost.

Sexual Fantasies and Mental Health

For almost half a century, psychoanalysts studied fantasies in depth. They viewed ‘deviant’ sexual fantasies—those portraying anything other than heterosexual acts that led to intercourse—as immature expressions of the sex drive and as blocks to the development of a more mature sexuality. Many psychoanalysts strongly believed that such fantasies were most likely to be forerunners of actual ‘deviant’ sexual behavior.

American psychoanalyst Bernard Apfelbaum describes fantasies as “cut-off parts of us signalling wildly to get back in”. He believes that sexual fantasies arise from ‘dissatisfaction with reality’ and have a high potential for creating relationship conflicts.

For example, if one partner feels that the other’s turn-on comes from a fantasy rather than from personal involvement, an instinctive sense of being disregarded intrudes, blocking sexual responsiveness. Apfelbaum also suggests that having unshared, private, fantasies lessens intimacy and trust in a relationship. “Sexual fantasies always offer us precious clues about what needs to be done to strengthen our relationships,” he says.

Diminishing Reality

American psychoanalyst Robert Stoller believes that sexual fantasies are ‘private pornography’ that allow us to gain revenge over a previously painful situation. He says that there is a ‘flame of hostility’ at the core of all sexual fantasies. Another American psychoanalyst Avodah Offit thinks that if reality and fantasy are closely matching, it indicates a well-integrated personality, a kind of psychological togetherness. If fantasy strays too far away from our personal realities, the inconsistencies point to potential personality problems. Offit also regards sexual fantasies as “a pale substitute for the complexities of joy and pain, which are requisites for loving a real person”.

Psychiatrist Natalie Shainess thinks that fantasies during intercourse are “symptomatic of sexual difficulty” and “signs of sexual alienation.” She also believes that healthy women do not fantasize very much except when they are young and inexperienced, and if fantasy persists, “you can assume there is a greater pathology.”

Alan Rapaport, an American clinical psychologist, takes the viewpoint that any fantasy that occurs during person-to-person sexual encounter is ‘debasing’ because it reduces personal involvement. “If a person is caught up in a private fantasy while making love, it interferes with a more sharing and intimate relationship”.

Related » What is Sexual Electricity and How is it Generated

Analysis of a Counselor

Some popular magazines and even books written by sexologists suggest that if you don’t get turned on by your partner, you should fantasize about someone else while having sex. We personally do not agree with this suggestion. These things may work to improve your sex life on a temporary and superficial level. But beware of the great danger in superficial sexual remedies. As you become more and more dependent on outside stimulation, it decreases your natural ability to feel turned on by your partner. You may feel turned on while being with your partner but not by her/him. Two people who are individually turned on, each within himself or herself, but not by their partner are people who are having sex, but not making love.

» Read more articles by Minnu Bhonsle

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Procreation vs Recreation

The procreation vs recreation debate is ancient. Sex for procreation came under social and religious domain and there were rituals built around it by priests. The procreative aspect of sex was accepted so naturally that when the husband died childless, his elder brother or a trusted sage was asked to have intercourse with the woman and produce children. Manusmruti called this process Niyoga. This act was a religious ritual and the couple was not supposed to enjoy it! They used to apply oil on their bodies so that they remain detached during the act.

However, the human being is not only a body; he/she also has emotions and intelligence. So his higher sensibilities motivated him to seek pleasure out of sex. The Indian name for sex is Kama which is expansive and all-inclusive. Kama means desire, the lust for life. Lust is yet again a condemned word; in fact, all that allows people to enjoy the pleasures of the flesh and the senses is condemned by moral custodians because they are afraid that people will get lost in sensuous delights. Kama is the libido, the life energy, not necessarily sexual. All creativity is motivated by Kama, it is the desire to create as well as procreate.

Sex as a Natural Instinct

If we want sex to be accepted as a natural instinct, we have to drop the moral firewall built around it. In this nuclear age, sex can be understood as pure energy because we have developed scientific understanding. Once we acknowledge that sex is the bio energy, we can make efforts to transform it. Just as water when boiled becomes vapour, and the vapour travels upwards and becomes clouds, sexual energy can be transformed into higher states. The higher forms of sex energy are love, compassion and enlightened consciousness.

Tantra’s greatest contribution to humanity is that it has created many devices to sublimate the sexual energy and turn it into an experience of higher consciousness.

The Disaster of Repressed Sexuality

Osho is the first master who saw the disaster of repressed sexuality. And the disaster is that human sex has become cerebral. The distorted and perverted humanity of today is the end result of repression. No animal rapes its females like man does. No animal needs artificial stimulants like viagra. Have you ever seen any clinic of sexologists for animals or birds? The whole porno literature is a sign of a sick attitude towards sex.

Sex used for reproduction is biological, and sex as recreation belongs to the human world alone because it has arisen out of the human need for love, sensuality, aesthetics, relating, pleasure and ecstasy. This has always been the case. The art of sex developed due to this need. Men always had two kinds of mates: the housewife and the mistress. The roles of these women were clearly marked. We can divide them into procreation and recreation. Those women who could procreate were usually not so good at recreating their husbands because their total focus was on rearing children. Their bodies changed after the childbirth.

Sex as recreation is a special art, and women were trained to master it. The word is self-explanatory: re-creation: creating again. Recreation is not entertainment, which is the conventional meaning of the word. The flowering of physical sex becomes love which is re-creative. When love is fulfilled, its fragrance is creativity. It is observed that a sexually fulfilled person becomes extremely creative.

Pleasure and Pain Are a Package Deal

If people only seek pleasure out of sex, they are bound to be frustrated sooner or later. Because every pleasure has its opposite: the pain. Sex can really recreate and rejuvenate people, if experienced with consciousness.

Now, women can participate in sex without fear, as contraceptives have dissociated intercourse with pregnancy. Modern women can enjoy the intricacies of lovemaking and transmit their joy to their partners. But the question is: are there sensitive, sexually-trained men who are expert partners of the evolved women?

Normally, girls and boys are conditioned to be husbands and wives, which involves procreative sex. Sex as recreation needs sharpened sensitivity and refined sensuality; it is a skilled job. Just as a trained musician plays on the musical instrument with love and care, a skilled lover has to play on the body of his beloved sensitively, and vice versa.

Here, Osho will be immensely helpful. If you allow me to say so, he alone can redeem humanity from sexual inhibitions. He has brought a new dimension to sexuality. His basic contention is: sex is neither moral, nor immoral, it is amoral. It is a wild, boundless, existential energy. Drop your inhibitions and go natural. Clean your mind of all the perverted ideas about sexuality.

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