I often tell my friends that they must laugh at least thrice a day. Thrice in the morning before breakfast; thrice at noon before you take your lunch and thrice at night before dinner. Nine, hearty laughing sessions can really get you all the benefits of Dr. Laughter – and you can be happy and healthy.

The smile of true bliss does not depend on outer conditions. It is there within us. We do not have to acquire it; we have but to rediscover it.

How laughter healed Normal Cousins

The healing powers of laughter have been well-researched and documented by medical experts in the West. A case in point is that of the well-known American journalist, Norman Cousins. He took to heart quite literally, the saying, “Laughter is the best medicine.” He was afflicted by a painful and degenerative disease of the spine. Doctors put him on strong medication to relieve pain and inflammation – but offered little hope of recovery.

Cousins had been a medical journalist early in his career, and was aware of emerging evidence that pessimism and depression could reduce the body’s capacity to resist and fight disease. By the same token, he told himself, a positive attitude should increase resistance and even help to overcome disease.

Norman Cousins took a bold decision. With his doctor’s cooperation, he decided to stop most of his medication, restricting his intake to large doses of vitamin C.

Then he began a course of positive thinking – and lots of laughter. “Nothing is less funny than being flat on your back, with every bone in your spine and joints hurting,” he wrote later, in his bestselling book, Anatomy of an Illness. He asked for a movie projector and a small screen to be placed in his room, and he began to view every day, funny movies and comedy shows recorded from the TV. Apart from this, he requested his nurses to read to him humorous books. He tells us that tears of laughter actually have a different chemical composition from tears of sadness!

“I made the discovery that ten minutes of genuine belly laughter had an anesthetic effect and would give me at least two hours of pain-free sleep,” Cousins wrote in his book.

Doctors take note

Noting the marked improvement in his condition, the doctors decided to sample his blood sedimentation rate – a crucial measure of inflammation – before and after each laughter session. They found that it fell slightly after each session, and continued to fall as the laughter therapy progressed.

A few months later, Cousins decided to write about his unorthodox cure in the prestigious New England Journal of Medicine. His article raised a few eyebrows, certainly; but it made quite a few medical experts smile.

Try laughter therapy

Now, we know that Cousins was not an isolated case. Laughter therapy has become more and more popular, and laughter clubs have sprung all over the world. Research has proved that laughter not only reduces stress and ceases pain, but actually seems to alter the body’s stress-and-immunity chemistry. It has also proven to ease depression, improve heart health and even burn calories! Go ahead, incorporate laughter in your daily routine…and laugh away your illnesses.

The post Have you met Dr Laughter? appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Laughter is the antidote to the stress response

Research shows that people who laugh heartily on a regular basis have lower standing blood pressures than the average population. When we have a hearty laugh, our blood pressure initially increases and then decreases below normal levels. Our breathing becomes deeper, sending oxygen-enriched blood and nutrients throughout the body. With laughter, endorphins and other natural pain-relieving hormones are released, improving our ability to tolerate pain. Our ability to digest food also improves. So you are not only what you eat, but what you think and feel. Research indicates that the benefits of laughter occur as early as a smile.

How can we bring more smiles and laughter into our lives?

Make a joy list

Joel Goodman, Founder and Director of the Humor Project in Saratoga Springs, N.Y. suggests making a joy list: Put down five things you love to do, but have not done in a long time. This could be resuming former hobbies or contacting/meeting people whom you have not seen in a while. Choose two things on that list that you plan to do and write down a date and time when you will do the activities.

Create a humour library

Collect humorous memos, bumper stickers, books, movies and TV shows. The internet is packed with humorous focused websites and videos. Next time you are feeling a little down, read, listen and view.

Spend more time with folks who are fun to be with

Make a commitment to spending more time with those that are fun to be around. Think about someone whom you consider fun to be around. What makes that person attractive? Along with mental alertness and positive attitude, a large part of your answer will lie in them having a great send of humour and a sense of playfulness. Humour is an excellent tool to use on your path in life. Approaching life’s aggravations with humour has fewer harmful side effects, for humour can release feelings of hostility and at the same time provide an acceptable means of expressing and decompressing these feelings in an appropriate way.

Get to know what amuses you

Who are your favourite comedians? What types of humour do you like? For some it’s political humour… “When two politicians accuse each other of lying… they’re both telling the truth”, others like nonsense … “What does a 300 pound canary say?… CHURP!!!”, still others like philosophical humour … “I don’t believe in an afterlife, but I’m bringing a spare pair of underwear just in case.” Put on your humour filtered glasses and you are more likely to notice humorous occurrences that would have passed you by otherwise.

Become comfortable with appearing goofy

Overcome your “fear of foolishness.” C.W. Metcalf and Roma Felible authors of Lighten Up: Survival Skills for People Under Pressure, suggests that when an embarrassing moment happens to you, choose to see it as a humorous incident. This will prevent the negative physiological effects that will occur if you view the event as a life threat [“I was so embarrassed I wish I were dead”]. Take the risk of sharing the incident with others and nine out of ten times they will see the humour and thank you for sharing it.

Checkout the Association for Applied and Therapeutic Humor. They actually have a Humour Academy. A three year course to become a Certified Humour Professional. Yes, I’m a C.H.P. and proud of it!

Humour is the healthiest coping mechanism you can use to deal with the absurdities of life. I used humour to literally get back on my feet after a diagnosis of severe arthritis. If you lose hope and are taken over by fear, you become helpless. If you use humour and focus on a positive outlook you can get through anything. You can learn to use humour like Judo, fending off attacks from a different angle. When the arthritis attacked, humour was my defense.

Remember, if something is thrown at you and you meet it straight on, you will fall backward. This is true for any ‘problem’ that attacks you. If you have a good sense of humour you can slide to the side and look at it from a different perspective. Humour is not a cure-all, but the positive emotions brought on by humour and a good laugh can have a positive effect on your overall wellness.

The post How humour can help you heal your body and stay healthy appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Have you ever tried talking when you are with a group of women? It’s like waiting for a customer care executive to attend to your call. They’ll keep telling you how important your call is but make you wait till you’ve achieved the impossible, like grown a beard.

So I did the obvious—I started scribbling my thoughts, safe in the knowledge that the middle of my sentence will not be interrupting the beginning of someone else’s. I was convinced of my mediocrity and took refuge in self-deprecating humour, the best defence tactic. It’s a lot like predictive input—before someone else can even start making fun of you, you jump in and do it on their behalf.

These days I have graduated to making fun of others and often get made fun of instead. Like when I write about our childlike love for cows or the government’s passion for bans, I get suggestions for alternative employment like soliciting for customers on streets of disrepute or I am asked to relocate to Pakistan.

Why they think I am a moron

I write because it gives me a sense of purpose. But, in India, when you try to tell your friends and relatives that you’d rather pursue your passion than engage yourself in the futile pursuit of earning money in a nine-to-five job, you’re treated like a moron.

What do you do for a living?

Oh, I blog.

Scenario 1—If, by some stroke of luck, they do happen to know what a blog is

They: Hehehe… Isn’t blogging just graffiti with punctuation?

Me: [Trying to smile with clenched teeth]

They: Does it pay? How much?

Me: [Oh god; are they now going to ask how many bedrooms my apartment has!]

They: You must be recently unemployed. If I had so much time I’d be blogging too.

Me: [Still trying to smile with clenched teeth.]

Scenario 2—They have no idea what a blog is, which is almost always the case

They: [deafening silence], [brows furrowed in confusion], [an awkward laugh], [shuffling of feet], [tentative “wow!”]

Me: I think I’ll go and die.

Then there are those who read your blog.

Thankfully, there exists a populace that reads your blog. You readily believe them when they say you are the best thing to have happened since butter chicken. Sadly, they will also insist that you’re wasting your talent on a blog and ask you to waste it on a magazine or a newspaper instead! [Now you know why I am writing for Complete Wellbeing]

Writing a book is considered a natural extension to a blogger’s life. Three popular posts later, you get tired of saying “no” to all your well-wishers eagerly waiting for you to write a best-seller. It’s a lot like what a Mom to a single child faces. She wastes all her fertile life telling the world and its aunt that she has no interest in siring another child!

Fan “males” and fan base

Once your blog gains some readership and a reasonable amount of popularity, you see a sudden spurt of newly formed blogs on your Facebook newsfeed. You realise your writing has managed to inspire your friends and relatives in a “if she can write, I can write too” way. You start getting fan mails, a few of them from love struck males. They usually gather momentum after you’ve written about busts and butts and the Bengali woman’s love for sleeveless blouses. Men are such simple creatures. When a woman writes about the female anatomy, they promptly imagine hers.

Peculiarly, your friends start claiming that they have met your fans who swear by your writing. For some strange reason, you’ve yet to meet any such fan. A few years later, you’ve won a couple of awards. You have thousands of followers on Twitter. You’ve become so famous that your opinions, your style of writing, your feminist leanings get trashed regularly. You start fancying yourself as a celebrity, eagerly waiting to be mobbed by your fans every time you visit a mall or a popular restaurant. You even think of buying a pair of binoculars so you don’t miss the frantic waving of hands that your myopic eyes are missing out. Once I even did the impossible—went up the escalator going down, because I thought I had spotted a flicker of recollection in a lady’s eyes. Alas, you just keep waiting!

I finally did get my fan moment, though, and that too in the distant land of Brisbane. While I was crossing the road, an Indian man stopped me to ask if I was Purba Ray. I looked at him with gratitude-filled eyes and shook his hands furiously in relief, unmindful of honking cars. When I posted about this great achievement on Facebook, my heartless friends insisted he was a stalker.

We want to know that we matter too

The thing is, we all have an overwhelming desire to be relevant. We seek it through our jobs, relationships or interests we pursue. We hope that in some insignificant way we are making a difference in someone’s life—whether it’s a Mom who slaves for hours to fix that perfect meal for her family, a photographer who traverses miles and risks her life to click that perfect shot or a novice completing a cross-country marathon. Just an acknowledgement that my passion for what I do, in some way, may have ignited somebody else’s desire to do something significant, eggs me on to work harder. I guess this is the reason we have Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Valentine’s Day or even Boss’ Day—when we finally get to hear how much we are cherished and appreciated [conspiracy theorists dissing it as commercialisation of love be damned!]

So, the next time you spot an eager looking woman moving her head clockwise and anti-clockwise desperate to be recognised, go up to her and exclaim: Are you Purba? I love reading your articles in Complete Wellbeing! Trust me, she’ll hug you so hard, your tonsils might get ejected to outer space!

The post Things people say when you tell them you are a blogger appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

But then my husband, a marvelously funny man, will peer, wide-eyed and blinking, into my face, cock his head like a parrot, and start singing a little song about me and the silly reason that I’m mad [usually to the tune of a popular song]. He’s so good it usually even rhymes. By the end I can’t help but smile, and my amusement has chased away my frustration. All is forgiven, and our evening rolls on.

In contrast, when my husband is upset about something, he tends to rant. Over the 20 years of our marriage I have learned that if I just listen to him and nod appreciatively, he’ll pick up steam, like a train chugging ever faster down a track, and eventually his rant will turn into a full-on stand-up comedy routine about his irritations—complete with embellishments and dramatic re-enactments. It’s hilarious. His recent tirade about his annoyances with my mother had me laughing so hard, I literally could not speak.

Of course, there are things about my husband that I sometimes wish were different, and I’m sure that he could provide you an exhaustive list of all the ways I disappoint him. But the fact that he is funny, and I am easily amused, has saved our marriage from the many things that could have sunk it.

Why Laugh About It?

All relationships have natural friction points. Differences between partner’s opinions, personalities, hopes and expectations all create hurt and frustration. This is true for every couple, even the happiest. Research into relationships conducted by Dr John Gottman of The Gottman Institute, Washington, estimates that up to 80 per cent of the problems that all couples have are due to these intrinsic differences. These are therefore “unsolvable problems” that are never going to change.

You may be surprised to learn that happy couples have just as many differences and circumstantial hardships as unhappy couples, yet they are thriving anyway. Why? One thing that happy couples often have that struggling couples don’t, is humor.

Going for a giggle in a tense moment sounds simplistic, but reaching for humor instead of anger, defensiveness or judgement during a friction point does four extremely important things to strengthen your relationship.

How Humor Promotes a Happy Marriage

1. Humor creates a “repair attempt”

The happiest, most successful couples are able to stop an argument in its tracks by attempting to repair the impending rift before it gets too wide. Reaching out to an angry, upset, or hurt partner in efforts to close the gap and restore peace [and then having that olive branch accepted] is a “repair attempt”. When the thunder and lightning of a bad fight are rumbling on the horizon and one partner is able to crack a joke that makes the other person smile, the sun peeks through the ominous clouds. Moods lift, the problem seems less serious, and it’s easier to reconnect.

2. Laughter breaks a negative mood state

Negative moods like anger, resentment or hurt tend to reinforce themselves and get stronger over time. When you are upset about something, you ruminate about it—turning it over and over in your mind, like a cow chewing her cud. The more you think about all the horrible ways in which your partner has disappointed or offended you, the worse you feel. But when someone throws a cold splash of unexpected humor into the face of self-righteous anger, it breaks the pattern. Getting knocked off keel by something funny shifts the trajectory of a bad mood, allowing positive feelings to flow back into an otherwise unhappy outcome.

3. Humor creates emotional safety

Nobody behaves well when they are feeling attacked, threatened or shut out. I guarantee you that when you aggressively confront your partner about something it will nearly always provoke them to feel offended and defensive. Likewise, if you coldly dismiss your partner’s complaints you are inviting them to get more angry and hostile. But responding with humor will nearly always get a more positive response. Why? It restores emotional safety. When you are funny, unexpected, and lighthearted, you are communicating, “I’m not really that mad. You’re safe with me.” Defensiveness is diffused, and aggressiveness wanes: Connection has been achieved. All of a sudden, whatever you are in conflict about seems more manageable and easier to deal with.

4. Humor emphasizes the positive aspects of your relationship

Some people are wary about being lighthearted with relationship problems that seem serious to them, saying, “But won’t it minimize my feelings?” Or, “But if we just joke about it, things will never change!” So they insist on grinding away at their differences, and becoming increasingly unhappy when things stay the same. Newsflash: You and your partner will always be different people. They will never change into exactly who and what you think they should be. Focusing on the negative aspects of your relationship will make those differences more pronounced and will change the emotional climate of your marriage for the worse.

Find reasons to laugh

In contrast, enjoying your partner’s company, having fun with them and appreciating the good things about them will help you have a better relationship. And the grand paradox is that when people feel safe, accepted and cherished for who they are, it is actually easier for them to change for the better. When you use humor to communicate to your partner that you enjoy them, they will be more eager to please you and less inclined to fight with you.

So the next time things get difficult between you and your partner, do something unexpected and funny. Crack a joke. Sing a silly song. Make a face. Emphasize the funny parts of your disagreement. Find reasons to laugh. Have a good time. And if the neighbors call the cops on you—blame me.

The post Humor: The Key to a Long and Happy Marriage appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Yeah, me neither. I would have never let something like that happen to me last year with my friends promptly posting it on social media. Because that would be embarrassing. Especially if they took another picture of you watching yourself on YouTube and you’re not comprehending the fact that you still have toilet paper hanging off of you as you watch the video of yourself with toilet paper hanging off of you.

However, if it had happened to me, and I’m not saying it did, but if it did, why didn’t anyone tell me before the citizen paparazzi went crazy? If it were my friend walking around with a tissue tail I would have said something right away, and I’m sure you would have, too. Which is why I like you so much, but these other weirdos, have they no compassion? Does their desire for a viral yet ephemeral YouTube video trump saving their friend from a lifetime of digital humiliation?

I strongly believe that this world would be a better place if more people spoke up

Powdered doughnuts? Never again!

And then there was the incident that also may or may not have happened to me when I returned to work after a two-week vacation. I walked into the conference room for our daily staff meeting with my huge cup of coffee and noticed no one was talking. The room was thick with hanging heads in business suits and I blurted out through a mouthful of powdered doughnut, perhaps a little louder [and powderier] than necessary, “Hey, who died?”

How much would it have cost someone to send me a text or email about a colleague’s freak circus accident prior to my return? Again, I can neither confirm nor deny that it actually happened to me personally, because again, that would be humiliating, but really, people! Is one lousy heads-up message too much to ask? Do you have any idea how difficult it is to work with a cubicle mate who isn’t speaking to you any more? Do you know I can barely eat my morning ritualistic powdered doughnut without choking on it?

And all because people don’t speak up when they should.

My friendly neighbour

Helga is my next-door neighbour. She wears long robes and keeps a big kettle of boiling stuff on the stove all the time, stirring it occasionally. I can see right into her living room from my kitchen window. She’s a nice lady, has never spoken ill of anyone and has always been kind to me. She also has a pet raven named Edgar Allen Poe.

Periodically, a nosy neighbour will try to report Helga to the authorities as a witch. She never confirms or denies it because she doesn’t think it’s anyone’s business what she does in the privacy of her own home.

Periodically, a nosy neighbour will try to report Helga to the authorities as a witch

I happen to know she’s not a witch, but she asked me not to comment to anyone one way or the other because they don’t deserve to have their accusations dignified with denials. “It’s the principle of the thing,” she says. “It’s none of their business what I do.”

I once tried to persuade her otherwise, but then a weird tingling sensation shot through my brain. When I got off her kitchen floor, and a concerned Helga asked me if I was okay, I felt nothing but a soft compassion for her and couldn’t believe I was trying to talk her into betraying her own principles.

The neighbour kids throw eggs at her house. They ring her doorbell and run away. They taunt her when she is outside tending to the fragrant herbs on her dilapidated front porch. They make fun of her gardening attire and go around town talking about the tall, black and pointy thing on her head. But those kids are wrong. Helga’s gardening hat is more of a dark navy blue.

She says they leave nasty gifts on her doorstep. Last week I saw her unwrap a package while we were in her kitchen and when she saw me looking, she quickly stuffed it away.

“Was that an eye of newt?” I asked.

“Can you believe what they leave on my porch?” She shook her head and laughed, but I could tell those kids had hurt her feelings because she sneaked a look in my direction, to see if I could see her eyes turning red, as if about to cry.

“Where does one get an eye of newt?” I asked.

She just shrugged her shoulders and slipped the box into a cupboard. “You can get anything on the internet these days,” she said. “Would you like some tea?”

Helga won’t speak up to deny all the accusations or prove them wrong, and I’m sure she’s suffering because of it. I see her from my kitchen window pacing back and forth in her living room at 3am, reading a huge ancient book that looks too heavy for her to carry. Probably a bible, and how many witches do you know that read a bible, huh? Exactly.

I can see her mumbling as she paces, no doubt because of persecution anxiety, the poor thing. If Helga would just talk to the neighbours, I’m sure everyone would realise that it’s all a misunderstanding.

Speaking up is good

What I’m trying to say is, I strongly believe that this world would be a better place if more people spoke up.

And now if you’ll excuse me, I promised Helga I’d teach her how to brush her unruly hair. Then she wants me to help her when Mr. Jasmine shows up this evening to appraise her exotic broom collection. I bet it’s worth a lot. Some of those sticks are over 500 years old.

The post Should I speak up or stay silent? appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

I recently went through a really long and painful breakup. It was quite a tough and strenuous process but I can say that I’m much better off now. I broke up with my fat and it’s been a year since we’ve bumped into each other. That’s the problem, whether you have GF [good fat] or BF [bad fat] they are eventually part of the same family and it’s imperative that you break up with them for good health.

Love at first bite

14 years ago, fat and I first met. For us, it was love at first bite and we just couldn’t let go of each other since. A year ago, I was 86 kilos. A feat I had accomplished while living on a diet of cheese, ghee, butter and every other fattening food item that a child needs to develop his chance of succeeding at having a heart attack.

For a long time I was in utopia. I didn’t care about my weight nor did I care about my looks. As long as I did not remove my shirt, my friends were happy to be around me and I never hit on any woman… because I was in a committed relationship—with my obese body. One day I ran up a slope and I ended up panting and sounding like Darth Vader having an asthma attack. That’s when I realised how tremendously unfit I was.

Gym… what’s that?

I knew I needed to break up with my fat and move on. It all changed the day a gym opened up near my house. Proximity triumphed over laziness and I decided to try out a little exercise. So far, the only marathon I had ever run was the dream run, where I would dream of running someday.

Now, I don’t like going to a gym and hanging out with men who are way better looking and fitter than I am. I think, secretly they’re trying to prove to each other how their big muscles are good enough to compensate for their smaller… um… brains. Yet, I put all my prejudices aside and pledged myself to a cycle of furious exercises with the help of a personal trainer.

For all those who don’t know, a personal trainer is just a human alarm clock and counting machine to help you lose weight. All you need to do to become a personal trainer is know how to count till 10 in English and then offer encouraging words such as ‘come on’, ‘you can do it’, ‘my mother has bigger muscles’ [I think my trainer had issues].

Having the ‘talk’

It’s a year down the line; I am 18 kilos lighter and as fit as I could ever be. Losing this much weight was like breaking up with a really stubborn girlfriend, because she’s not going to let you go without leaving a few marks.

To elucidate, breaking up with my fat went something along the lines of:

Me: Hey we need to talk.

Fat: Just a minute, do I look good here or should I move to your shoulder?

Me: You don’t look good anywhere. Listen, I think we need to talk. It’s high time we take a break.

Fat: Not now. I am depositing myself around your chest. Have you considered buying a bra?

Me: No. I need some space. You’ve been sticking to me for far too long. I think I need to start seeing healthier food items.

Fat: Don’t you dare abandon me! Cheese and butter for life—that was our motto when we started. What’s her name? It’s salad, na? I thought you had a thing for her. I noticed it the other day when you came home and you had a ranch dressing stain on your shirt.

Me: It’s not that, baby.

Fat: Listen, just because I’m baby fat, it doesn’t give you the right to call me that.

Me: Well, it’s over. We’re done.

Fat: Fine, if this is what you want. Go ahead. Live your life. You will go the gym and see me crying. Maybe I’ll go away. But remember… I will always be there just waiting for you.

Fat people are cannibals

It’s kind of a disgusting thought but that’s what I believe sweat is, just my fat crying every single time I try to remove it from my life.

Being a fat guy was tough. I used to hate other people because everyone feels that it’s their right to make fun of you. This one time I was sitting in a bus and there was a father and his small daughter sitting opposite me. The daughter was making a lot of noise and the father looked at me, then his daughter and said “Beta, be quiet or else! Do you see that uncle over there?”

At this point of time I was preparing myself to look as menacing as possible so I could scare the child… until her father said those shocking words “That uncle will eat you up.”

Eat her up? What do you think I am? A cannibal? I’m not one, and even if I was, I’m Indian so I would be a vegetarian cannibal [not quite sure how that would work out though].

Life post the breakup

Now that I’m thin, it’s the reverse. Every single day is filled with compliments from people telling me how great I look. I hear things like “You’re looking so good” or “You’ve lost so much weight. Wow! That is so awesome” or “You are so handsome” to which I always reply “Thanks mom”. [But apart from my mother I do know at least two women who have called me handsome!]

It’s the compliments that motivate me to stay thin. Every single compliment that I get makes me realise that I made the best decision of my life. Once in a while when I’m eating a cheese sandwich, I think about the old days and smile. Then I put the sandwich down and prepare myself to run on the path of good health. I may not make it till the end, but at least I know I won’t sound like Darth Vader having an asthma attack!

This was first published in the September 2014 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

The post My long and painful breakup…with my fat appeared first on Complete Wellbeing.

Do humorous people have an edge on lasting relationships and happiness? Theorists suggest that humour and laughter is in fact a survival tool for social animals. “Laughter not just influences a person physically, but also psychologically. It is one of the most commonly experienced emotions in our lives,” says Nandita Sarma, a counsellor and psychologist from Mumbai. “We need people who can laugh at our jokes and also people who can make us laugh. Whether it is choosing friends or partners, we prefer to associate with people who bring a lighter touch to our daily activities, as laughter makes a person feel good.”

Builds bonds

You can use humour when you feel nervous or to keep long-term relationships from withering. “I had an arranged marriage and had to establish a rapport with the new person in my life and my in-laws. I realised that being serious will not help, especially in a marriage, where there will often be conflicts. I found that using subtle humour helps to ease the situation and ensures that I get the message across to my new family members,” says Paromita Sarkar.

Humour is an amazing ice breaker, especially when new relationships are being formed. Alison Miranda recounts the first family event that she took her fiancé James to: “My family decided to celebrate Mother’s day with a lunch at my 96-year-old grandmother’s house. James had already met my parents but I thought it would be the perfect opportunity for him to meet the rest of my family. My grandmother has a hearing problem, and she was silent despite all of us being there. The nurse that looks after my grandma is somewhat superstitious and has some outdated ideas. Someone had brought mangoes for dessert, so the nurse refused to give them to her, saying she shouldn’t eat mangoes since she’d just had water. Various members of my family told her it was alright for my grandma to have the mango and that she was mixing it up with the lore of not eating watermelons after drinking water. But she was still apprehensive about giving my grandma the mangoes. My fiancé sat quietly through all the commotion, then he turned to her and said, ‘Elsie, I’m a doctor, so I’m saying that it is fine for her to eat the mangoes, just make sure she waits for one hour before she goes swimming.’ That had everyone in splits, including my grandma who started laughing!” Alison’s family are certainly looking forward to the hilarious new addition to their family.

Useful as a coping mechanism

When life’s challenges leave you cold and bare, a humorous attitude can be a great coping mechanism. “When the going gets tough, the tough get humorous,” believes RamG Vallath. In the prime of his life, a serious autoimmune disorder stripped away his basic motor skills. He rebounded with the support of his family and his never-say-die attitude. He ensured that he remained positive by infusing ample humour in his conversations with his family and friends. “When I had the disorder, my hands used to shake all the time,” he says, “I made fun of it saying, ‘I used to work in sales, so I was used to shaking people’s hands all the time, and now I have developed a handshaking problem.’” Humour helped him cope during this difficult phase. “While I was recovering, I started writing my first book, which was full of humour. The process of writing made me feel positive,” reveals Vallath .

Defuses tension

Conflict in relationships is inevitable. Unrealistic expectations and disagreements that build over time can snowball into a major conflict. Instead of letting a conflict wreck your relationship, we can use humour to lighten tense moments. Raviprasad illustrates how he used humour to handle an edgy situation. “When I told my family that I had proposed to a girl of my choosing, the atmosphere became quite tense. My father called me after a few days and said, ‘Ever since your mom informed me about your engagement, I cannot sleep properly thinking about [you marrying] this girl.’ My  immediate response was, ‘Dad, even I cannot sleep properly, since I too am thinking about the girl…’ My dad started laughing, which lightened the situation and he wanted to know more about the girl. Now, she is my wife and also the mother of my child,” he says with a twinkle in his eye.

Humour can lessen stress, give you a fresh perspective and show you creative ways to deal with relationship issues.

Key to success at work

When you spend 80 per cent of your time at work, why not make it more enjoyable with humour? Business is serious, but playful communication at the workplace contributes to better productivity and professional success. “At work, the most important thing is to build a relationship so that the other feels comfortable with you. As we have already seen, humour is a powerful icebreaker—and it works even at our workplaces. “Whenever I walk into a meeting room, I lighten the situation with a couple of sentences that are funny. Everybody chuckles and we feel at home with the group,” says Vallath.

Ranbir Singh recalls an incident when an unintentional faux pas created a rather funny situation. It was when his company sent him to Spain. He recalls, “I had to present a PowerPoint slideshow about my company to another group and they weren’t too open to the idea of working with us. Unfortunately during the presentation, the sound went off and the slide got stuck. As much as I tried, nothing seemed to be working. I was totally mortified and wanted to convey my feelings, but I had forgotten the Spanish word for ‘embarrass’. Then I remembered that most Spanish words are similar to English words, except that you add an ‘o’ or ‘a’ to end depending on the gender of the word. So I said ‘Me muy embarazado’ to apologise for the goof-up. But my apology was met with stunned silence as everyone just stared at me. My colleague then informed me that I had just told everyone that I was ‘very pregnant’! But luckily this faux pas actually endeared these people to me because they realised that I was making an effort to learn their language. Today, they are my clients.”

Ways to sharpen your funny bone

Not all people find the same things funny. Some researchers claim one can inherit a sense of humour, while other studies suggest that humour is an acquired trait, which is dependent on your personality and your environment.

Acquired or inherited, there are methods by which you can sharpen your sense of humour if you want to make your relationships better. Here are few ways to develop your lighter side:

• Learn to laugh at yourself: Most of us are unable to laugh at ourselves, because we fear what others will think of us. But nobody is perfect, and when you laugh at yourself, people appreciate your positive attitude. Possible areas where you can focus include your mistakes, past incidents or your personality. However, excessive self-deprecating humour can indicate low self-esteem.
• Look for humour: A witty person is aware of his surroundings and happenings. Pay attention to detail and see the funny side in everything you do to make your humour spontaneous.
• Hang around humorous people: Remember the last time when you laughed so hard that you were in pain? Spend more time with people who are fun to be with. Humorous people tend to twist the truth in a funny way. You will learn by watching how they make others laugh, and this will help you improve your own sense of humour.
• Respond with humour: Whenever people make remarks that are meant to offend you, remember that humour works better than an angry retaliation. Once Mahatma Gandhi went to meet King George V at Buckingham Palace, when a journalist asked him, “Don’t you feel embarrassed to see the king in this scanty attire?” To which Gandhi responded, “Why should I feel ashamed? The king has enough on for the both of us.”
• Immerse yourself in funny things: One of the easiest ways to become funnier is to fill up on a lot of humorous material—books, TV shows, movies, sites and video clips. Observe how comedians use the most trivial things for clean humour. Notice their timing, delivery and gestures. It may help you change the way you perceive things. With time and practice, you too will start coming up with your own ‘killer’ jokes.

Once humour becomes part of your life, you will learn how to naturally incorporate it to build and maintain your relationships and diffuse potential conflicts.

This was first published in the October 2014 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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Published by: Aleph Book Company

ISBN: 9789383064175

Pages: 214

Price: INR 299

Radhika Vaz dedicates her memoir Unladylike to “All the unladies out there who refuse to be bound by the rules of femininity.” A new category of women has been announced; one which is unconventional, honest and thus powerful. The book becomes not just an exercise in retrospection for the author but an invitation extended to the female readers to re-examine all expectations laid on women.

Calling this a coming-of-age story would be forcing it to wear such a serious robe as would suit neither the book’s effortless humour nor its author. But, if it wasn’t that wherefrom stem the bouquet of lessons, learnt and unlearnt, which fill the book to the brim? Echoing right after the comedian’s sassy voice is a 40-year-old woman’s voice, mapping her journey of not just growing up but also growing towards freedom of self. From a schoolgirl trying to belong to a woman struggling to “un-belong”, the story follows a neat chronology of “becoming”.

We meet Radhika as a five-year-old who feels like an “unknown polyester brand”, neither belonging to one community nor to the dominant culture of her friends. She also does not fit the conventional idea of beauty. Thus, “all I ever wanted from that point was to be on the inside”, even if it meant wearing a head scarf in Baghdad! In her teens she was “secretly suspicious of her gender”, with her delayed periods, luxuriant body hair and flat chest. Ideas of sexuality and body find prominence in this hosteller’s life, and her “obvious inadequacies” followed her everywhere, enough to make her secretly try on her mother’s bras because it felt “oh so grown-up!” Socials with boys were looked forward to but romance was considered wrong. She wondered why girls couldn’t propose boys, were forced to play “hard to get” and “be mysterious”, while boys had all the fun and freedom? At the cusp of adulthood she saw the unfairness of attaching value to virginity, and labels like “fast-chicks”. By the “roaring twenties” this observing, questioning rebel was ready!

Accused of an inability to apply herself, to conform to academic or gender standards, Radhika started walking a different line. As a working woman she first “negotiated singledom” only to chase a man to the US, live-together “as man and something” and get married her way too! The imperativeness of motherhood as a logical next-step to marriage to prove a woman’s worth is amusingly yet powerfully rejected in the final chapters.

It is noticeable how Radhika Vaz doesn’t come from a typical Indian family. With parents who were much ahead of their times letting her hold her reins most of her life, Radhika’s brand of feminism had few battles of deprivation or denial to fight. Her memoir makes no attempt to colour that, and she makes no attempt to not reject conventions which she believes in, even. Thus, ultimately, she finds a balance in her life by making conscious choices at every phase.

With this honesty and balance, she invites you to view your own life as you view hers; an exchange of perspectives on having to adapt to changing context—emotionally, physically and socially. Lessons on relationships emerge as Radhika wonders why Indian daughters hide things from their parents. Evident is the essentiality to challenge being shamed as a “badly behaved, of inferior intellect, boy crazy” girl and be aware that social expectations from men and women are “inherently antithetical”. The book asks women to never let their pride levels fall to “negative numbers” and to be strong, because being honest needs strength to stomach the consequences. “Spread the idea that the unknown is fun… find something, anything, which has nothing to do with how you look or how old you are” and do it! And with a flourish “The Baby Question’ wonderfully sums up the pressures applied on women’s psychologies to become mothers, to prove you are a woman and a good person. But the truth of it all is that “when you want to do something that isn’t the ‘norm’ you will be made to feel like you have a problem and if you hear it often enough then you start to believe it too”. Unladylike asks you not to believe that and instead believe in yourself!

A must-read for the ladies, gents and ‘unladies’!

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And then there are the people who lie to your face. Right there, in person at the grocery store. You haven’t seen each other in awhile and she’s [let’s call her Dabny] missed every one of your book club meetings for the last two months. She tells you she’s been so busy but she thinks about you every day and oh, have you lost weight? After she rushes off for a ‘work event’ you find out that she left your book club for a much cooler one than yours. So, why is she lying? I’ll tell you why.

An easy way out

Dabny believes you can’t handle the truth. Also, she’s a spineless weasel. Frankly, I don’t understand why you’re friends with her.

Why couldn’t Dabny tell you the truth, instead of letting you waste all kinds of energy and time worrying about your friendship and following her around town and bugging her apartment? And sending her emails and texting her in case she didn’t get those emails, and calling her in case she didn’t get those texts, and messaging her on Facebook in case she didn’t get those voice mails?

Recent surveys show that 95 per cent of people lie at least once a day… and the other five per cent lied on the questionnaires. If one lie was a dollar, we’d all be millionaires. Of course, inflation would skyrocket and you wouldn’t be able to afford housing, food and your cell phone bill but you’d have loads of money.

Lying is all about controlling the behaviour of others. But mostly, people lie because they’re afraid. Like your spineless weasel friend, Dabny, who screens her calls.

Most liars are insecure and starved for attention. The truth is boring, but if you have a ‘filthy-rich’ love interest, or a celebrity who is a ‘good friend’ or worse, a ‘very good friend’, then everyone at the party wants to gather around you and hear about it. Your lies have instantly made you everyone’s ‘best friend’.

Lies that irk me

Like the fictional Dr Gregory House says, “Everybody lies”. I mean cheating Jack isn’t about to tell the doctor how he really hit his head [because he and the babysitter were goofing around], especially with his wife sitting right there in the doctor’s office with him.

Or if you’re standing for elections, tell the people what they want to hear because they will vote for you based on your unrealistic promises. They will scream at you later for not fulfilling your promise. But hey, you got elected and that’s what matters, right?

And don’t get me started on the scam artists who sell pills that will either shrink your whole body or enlarge a specific part of it.

The downside to lying

Here’s the thing—I’m a literal person who expects honesty. If I take Joe blow-things-out-of-proportion literally, I ride his emotional roller coaster with him, reacting to his near-death experiences of wrestling alligators and almost plane crashes as if what he’s telling me happened exactly the way he says it did. After he’s delivered his steaming pile of hyperboles, I’m emotionally exhausted. Later, I will feel like a duped fool for believing any of it. Eventually, I don’t trust him anymore and simply nod along instead of boarding that tiresome train.

If you have a secret, you can tell me or not, I don’t care. I’m not that kind of nosy and I’m not insulted if you keep it from me. I’d rather you say nothing about your closet skeletons than claim you’ve never “had any work done” on your face. Besides, I can tell that you’ve had work done on your face. Nobody’s cheekbones look like that naturally.

As a famous, cherry tree-chopping young lad once said, “I cannot tell a lie”. Though I am fully capable of distorting the truth, it’s too energy consuming for me. I speak from experience when I say that when one lies, one has to store that lie for later reference and I simply can’t be bothered.

I lied to my mother once when I was a teenager. I came home late one day and gave her some lame excuse about breaking my watch and brought in two watch-less witnesses to back me up. But her words indicated that she knew I was lying. In one moment, I’d been caught and punished without being humiliated in front of my friends. I felt horrible. My mother was indeed a clever woman.

When lying makes sense

On the other hand, there are times when lying is a fabulous idea. For example, it’s perfectly acceptable to lie to rude or judgmental people. So what if you have a penchant for squirrel-themed salt and pepper shakers or a late-night doughnut problem? That’s none of their dang business. They don’t deserve the truth for being meddlesome. These so-called friends of yours are emotional terrorists and you can’t let the terrorists win.

Don’t enable their behaviour by answering invasive questions. If you’re a materialistic Judgy McJudgerstein and you ask me where I got this puffy, lime green prom dress and how much it was, I’m not about to tell you I bought it at an 80 per cent discount from a roadside vendor. I’ll say I paid full price for it and had it custom tailored. However, if you’re my trusted friend, not only will I tell you where I bought it from, I will also show you the other cool stuff I bought from him—like an awesome pink chessboard-topped table.

You know, it’s frustrating for those of us who believe in a meritocracy, which doesn’t exist. We watch liars pass us by on their way to the bank because of all this silly integrity with which we are burdened. If only we could tell ourselves, “Well, at least I can sleep at night because I’m not an emotional terrorist,” but then, we’d be the liars.

Nevertheless, we have to keep fighting the good fight because someday, we will win. Someday, technology will advance to the point of reading our brains and everyone will have an app called Polly Graff installed on their smartphones, which flashes holographic emotional terrorist icons above people’s heads when they lie.

Look, I can understand if you don’t want to tell me that you’ve murdered someone or just paid an outrageous sum of money for an awkwardly located tattoo, or you crashed on the couch and binged-watched Spongebob Squarepants all weekend instead of going out with me. Don’t be Dabny, the spineless weasel. You can tell me what you really did, even if it was without me. Or tell me nothing. I won’t take it personally or judge you. If you tell me the truth, I will love you and respect you no matter what everyone else says about you.

And that’s no lie.

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Yes!

Do you wish you could click on ‘Skip ad’ every time an ad starts?

How did I know?

Congratulations! You are completely normal. Studies suggest that 84 per cent of Indians switch the channel as soon as a commercial break starts on TV while the remaining 16 per cent don’t do it because they were watching Doordarshan and fell asleep.

My experience in an ad agency

I worked as a copywriter at an ad agency once. It’s the closest I’ve been to committing suicide, except that suicides are quick and you don’t have to wait for a client’s approval. What made it even more dreadful was the fact that they asked me to handle a sanitary napkin brand. Though, they learnt shortly that they never should have given a 21-year-old, idiotic, fresh out-of-college guy sanitary pads to work with, especially if he drops coffee on his desk… often.

While working there I realised that every client wants three things—a bigger logo, an ‘out-of-the-box’ idea and a ‘viral’ video. And while it’s practically impossible to nail all three every time, these days we do get to see some creative masterpieces from across the world on the internet. But turn on the idiot box just for a day and you will realise that so many of the Indian advertising brains are still stuck in the 90s.

Hair-raising ads

Take the anti-dandruff shampoo ads for example. All the guy does is slide his palm through his hair, and all of a sudden there’s what looks like a five-kilo talcum powder build up on his silk black shirt. It’s like someone tore a packet of salt right over his head. How can a person have so much dandruff? The only way that could have happened is if you’ve not washed your hair in all your life.

Talking about anti-dandruff shampoos, I saw this ad that asked its viewers, “Do you have the license to wear black?” Firstly, that’s racist. And secondly, what is the procedure to acquire this license? Do you first get a learner’s license where you can only wear grey for the first two months?

Every time I saw that ad, I imagined a long queue outside a pub caused by a nakabandi where traffic cops are checking your license to wear black. If you don’t have one, you’re stripped off your black shirt and are given a tailor’s contact details.

Glowing assurances

Shirts are also a prominent part of another clichéd concept for detergent powder ads. All detergent ads seem to have this constant character—Ziddi Daag. He’s been the permanent cast of every washing soap ad for over a decade now. He’s so stubborn he refuses to move. He’s like the Anna Hazare of daags, he just sits on a hunger strike on your shirt. But then, the powder enters like Kejriwal and wipes out Anna Hazare in a clean sweep. At the same time, your shirt starts glowing as if it is made of 100 per cent radium.

Instant everything

My favourite of the lot are the deodorant commercials. A nerdy dude sprays some on his body and suddenly all the rejected Victoria’s Secret Angels descend upon him. If this process worked in real life, it would save parents a lot of trouble of finding the right match for their son’s arranged marriage.

Since the ads show instant attraction, why can’t spraying deo give me an instant MBA degree? And ladies, it’s really shallow how you love a man for his fragrance and not his personality. We have a heart too. We’re beautiful inside.

Lighten up

Don’t even get me started on those fairness cream ads. The ads show that those creams are so intense, the girl transforms from Balika Vadhu to Bipasha Basu to Britney Spears, all in one week. And to prove it, these ads have a seven-day fairness measurement strip with the seven shades of the girl’s face.

What I’d like to know is that if the fairness cream is so strong, what happens if you apply it for two weeks instead of one? What’s the end result then?

If Day 7 is fair, then

Day 8 – fairer

Day 9 – fairest

Day 10 – Michael Jackson

Day 11 – Neil Nitin Mukesh

Day 12 – Voldemort

Day 13 – Saint-Gobain glass

Day 14 – Mr India winner

Also the girl who wants to become fair is shown to have aspirations of being either an actress or a model. Obviously, it is only by using this product that she is able to join the Forbes 100 Most Influential People list.

But for once, I’d like to see an ad featuring a girl with a normal job, like a nurse. I’d imagine an ad that shows a lonely depressed nurse who works in a government hospital. She makes such little money that she does her shopping from local stores and only during the sale season. One day out of frustration, she wants to kill herself, but just then someone hands her some fairness cream. After a week, she not only becomes fairer, but she also transforms from a government hospital nurse to an orthopaedic surgeon in a prestigious hospital.

In the end, I’d like to say just one thing: the next time you go shopping don’t buy your insecurities.

This was first published in the January 2015 issue of Complete Wellbeing.

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